My ex frequently bragged about what a good liar she was as a kid. Once she said, "and I still am." Listen to people when they talk. They will tell you who they are.
TRUTH. It's "funny" once you actually listen, most people will tell you who they are. One of my coworker has told me "Im completely messed up person" and he really was. I think this is a trap they are setting up to discover the empaths, because the old me would be like "Nah, common dude, cut yourself some slack". The new me took notes and stayed the hell away.
I dunno, my son says stuff like this all the time but if you ask him point blank the truth, he will tell you. But he brags he's a good liar! He has autism, for reference. Some people just have diarrhea of the mouth. For instance I'm a lesbian but I am obsessed with the part of the magicians where Elliot is singing and dancing in the desert. When I say that, people will think "AHAH!! So she is not gay! Knew it!" But I don't mean anything by it, I just love his passionate singing and his style. But if people over-judge everything I say to fit their narrative, it'll definitely be easy for them. Careful you're not shutting out good people due to past trauma and paranoia. Blessed be
@@jennytimelord9689 those two stories are not the same thing at all. Your conclusion goes with your sons behaviour, but the autism is more important than just a note at the end. A better conclusion would be to say “with the exception of autistic people who are an exception to the pattern, don’t wrongly misjudge them to be narcissists”. Dr Ramani has a whole video on how to not get that mixed up. Your thing with liking a male singer and people’s response to it is unrelated to the whole topic. Your acquaintances are just simplistic and rude, basically stupid jerks. people who identify and save themselves from narcissists are not stupid jerks.
An old bud (my daughter's God-Mother) told me she'd rather just not go to something than arrive late! She'd basically criticized me for something I was late for (could we all just slow down a tad) so her remark stuck, these narcs dent our brains!
I don't understand this comment. Please help me out. Everyone has their version of reality, it's from their POV, right? And denying someone's reality is gaslighting is it not? EDIT: What I mean to say is that your POV isn't going to be the same as the other person in a situation and if someone denies you; your perceived reality.. idk. Wouldn't you protect your reality? Life has taught me that MY reality is MY truth. Does that make me a narcissist?
Q: How do you stop a narcissist from lying to you?… A: Cut them out of your life. No contact, no lies. If you have any contact with them, guarantee they will lie to you.
"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love." -- Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
My favorite part from this book is the section where an actual PRIEST looks the second coming of Christ in the eye, and explains how he's wrong. I'm not even a religious person, AND I RECOGNIZE A NARCISSIST WHEN THEY'RE DEPICTED!
I am a Physician who stayed with a narcissist Spouse for 30 years for my own reasons. They DEFINITELY believe their lies; they are not lies to them. You cannot convince them their interpretation of anything is incorrect. They are Authorities on everything, and that is necessary for their precarious survival. JUST GET OUT when you have “had enough”.
@@Sarablueunicorn everybody confabulates some time and don't mean any harm it's normal, but when someone does it most of the time its manupilation and I can't believe they are not aware of their lies all the time.
Being with a narcissist is like being in a cult. The way they gaslight and manipulate their partners keeps them in this fog of thinking the way they are being treated is normal, when in reality, they are being abused.
Spot on. At some point it really felt as though I'm one man cult devoted, thanks to his insidious mental abuse and constant cognitive-dissonance. I ran away. Horrendous shit.
Narcissists lie about EVERYTHING even dumb crap. I once told a narcissist, "I don't believe ANYTHING you say." He thought I was kidding because he was convinced that he had everybody fooled.
Exactly. Then they're angry when someone sees through that. Actually they were exposing themselves all this while they just didn't realise until someone called them out or told them off.
As someone who has narcissists in my family and had to go no contact, they most definitely believe in their lies. Which is scary because not only do they justify their evil actions but they actually believe their lies. So in their minds they are innocent.
I recently stated to a narc that masking children is child abuse. The narc misquoted me and told the young parent that I said they should be arrested for child abuse.
I KNEW IT!! I've been saying for years that the reason my ex will never change is because he truly believes his own bullsh*t. Thank you for the confirmation Dr. Ramani!
The stories of lies don’t even matter to them. They are just a means to an end so they don’t need to believe it themselves really. They just need to make sure to be convincing enough because all of their behaviour is a work of ever adapting and altering so called personae. They truly do not have an ego.
Right on! Perhaps they think their lie wasn't good enough/big enough when we don't! Malignant mom would tell whoppers for yrs, I was golden child gone copper, it wasn't so much that I didn't believe, as I was groomed to, it's just that I cared less what she had to say! 😘🙋
@@M_SC yep kinda half an hour later ...but if you are going somewhere is the time when you hear "now? you told me this, that and the other..." this one is their favourite...always in the precise moment you are in a hurry and they know they need NOTHING, just your 24/7 attention. sick sick sick
It's scary when you can no longer tell if they are lying or telling you the truth, they are experts. Just assume everything you hear them say is a lie. I broke away from a friend who is a narcissist and it's crazy, I miss him for a few minutes and quickly remember how miserable I was.
I got to the point where I was starting to feel pathetic for needing someone so much, I would tolerate even their crap. THATS when I woke up. I mean, if I really am that low, I need to be alone to work on myself.
@@user-ii3vn8tn3q they make you feel that way, they are very charming and before you know it, your sucked in. Don't blame yourself. Get help for yourself.
Not always deep in their own brains, they don't believe their own lies. But to our faces they absolutely always do. They deny. They refuse to give is the satisfaction of allowing us to see them, seeing themselves, for who they are and the heinous sht they do.
CW: sexual trauma... I will never forget the day my father told us he was suspended from his job pending a disciplinary hearing. (He was found guilty and fired, thank god.) He wouldn't initially say why he was being disciplined. All he said that day was, very curtly, "I'm sorry I keep disappointing you guys. Please just know it has nothing to do with fraud." Like... he ACTUALLY thought that was a semi-redeeming thing he was saying. When I found out he was in trouble for sexual harassment... First of all, I wish I could say I was surprised. But I knew this fool and I believed his accusers immediately. I remember wishing it had been fraud he was in trouble for instead. He was so oblivious to the damage he was causing these women that he actually thought fraud was a worse crime, that it would be a bigger blot on his reputation. I will say, unfortunately, he was kind of right on the latter point. His reputation suffered far less damage than it might have if he had committed fraud instead. Such is the world we live in. Just goes to show what we really value. And, of course, he went into the classic harasser's defense: "The women in the office are conspiring against me. They're bitter because I never promoted them." It was staggering, the confidence with which he told these lies, and I remember thinking there must be some part of him that is deluded enough to believe what he's saying, to believe that he's the victim here. Unfortunately, my mom believed him at the time. I desperately wanted to reach out to at least one of his accusers and tell them that I believed them; that he has always been a garbage human being; that I thought they were so brave. But my mom yelled at me and said I should be standing by my father's side. I had already long wanted nothing to do with him and everyone in my family thought I was just being rebellious and overly harsh on my poor father, who had worked so hard and done so much for us. Pssssh. I know those women were telling the truth, because behind the scenes he had also been harassing me and assaulting my mom. When the Harvey Weinstein scandals finally broke years later, I remember thinking, "I can well imagine what it must be like to be one of his daughters."
@@M_SC Thank you for taking the time to read it. I always want fellow survivors to know that a perpetrator's family members don't always tow the line in service of toxic silence. Also, to the point of the video, it felt like a good example of how, even when the lies are ridiculous and blatant, the narcissist buys into their own BS, at least to a degree.
I'm pretty sure that quite a few communal narcissists behave like your father. I was wondering why it was that your mother who had been assaulted by your father herself could possibly chide you out for (rightly) pointing your finger at him...you're perfectly right, the justice system and indeed society are often tougher on those who steal than on the ones that harass and show utter disregard for other people's basic rights...so very sad...
@@LOKI77able Thank you so much, Lorenzo. You're right about communal narcissists. I think many of them operate exactly like my father does. I wonder the same thing about my mother. I think she was in denial about her own situation for decades and a part of her desperately wanted to remain in denial. Doesn't make it ok though, and she's done a lot of damage to me over the years herself. I'm just grateful to people like Dr Ramani for educating us about these patterns so we can gradually learn to stop the self-blame.
Growing up my mom would hide her jewelry, then accuse me of stealing it. In reality, she forgot she hid it or where she hid it. So for however long, she would make my life hell, calling me a thief, talking on the phone to everyone calling me a thief, telling my stepdad who 100 percent enabled her dysfunctional ways that I was a thief so he would treat me badly. Then one day she would just be wearing the piece she’d been making my life hell over. I learned to not even mention it because if I dared say anything she would go louder and longer than me and argue with such conviction that either she never accused me of stealing it or I was greatly exaggerating how badly she treated me over it. I used to really wonder if maybe I was crazy because she was so adamant in her argument. That’s just one example, I could name at least 100 and since I’ve learned I didn’t need to question my reality but I’ve wondered soooo many times if she actually believes her lies.
Nurse Jessie Wow! I can not believe that someone else had a mother like mine! Childhood was a nightmare for people like us. I’m sorry for what you went through 😢 I hope you find healing. It’s such a long road
@@godfirst4964 I’m on a bare minimum contact basis with her. My older brother has been completely no contact for over 10 years now. The same one who always treated her “so much better” than I ever did. I feel sorry for my youngest brother, he was the golden child and honestly, that’s the worst position to be in. She lives with him and is codependent with him and he really has no way out :( The weird jewelry thing my mom did has made a lasting impression though, I would never and still won’t accept anything given from her to me. I’m very grateful to channels like this that help people like us see, it wasn’t us our whole lives.
@Nurse Jessie My mother was like that too. Accusing me of scratching the side of the car once. I was terrified to drive that thing and knew I hadn't scraped against anything. But she stomped off showing me and pointing to the "scratch". I started touching it and it was just dirt that came off. Her shame probably got triggered (my partner was there with me) so she started excusing her belief like "well it really looked like a scratch and I myself have a difficult time parking so close to the pillar" and then she went on some rant about traffic, and cars and the colour red and so much weird stuff I can't even come up with the crazy stuff she babbles on about. The really disgusting thing is that I sometimes feared being right more because of the unpredictable behaviour she had. Often going into anger but sometimes what was worse her monologues where she justified her behaviour. It was always this feeling of don't speak up because "we need to stick together", "we only have eachother" "who else could we rely on if not eachother?" "we can't be angry at eachother" and so on. Funny it never worked for my benefit.
When the *lies* are constant, explained reasonably, and mixed with real notions, the victims of *narcissistic abuse* often end up *gaslighting* themselves, which makes lying easier for the *narcissists*
Yes, they do and that's why they are so good at lying and live in their own particular reality. You are right Dr. Ramani. Anything that threatens their reality triggers their fear and rage. They will threaten you if you try to expose them in any way and sadly in many cases they will harm people💔 This is a great video, thank you💕💕💕
Anything that contradicts their insecurity triggers them, that's their "fear" show, that's nothing else than MORE childish behavior of being noticed, believe me, acting adult, yes acting, are hilarious...hahaha so they tend to expose themselves anyways
From my experience with the narcs in my life. Narcs are unpredictable and very dangerous especially if you call them out. Narcs are predictable in that they all run a pattern of behaviors but are unpredictable when they perceive someone has wronged them. They will save that perceived wrong and exact revenge at a later date. Even when the perceived wrong isn't reality. One narc told me that when someone accuses you of something it is because they are doing it themselves. He later accused me of infidelity. Which wasn't true. So that was the no contact and end of the relationship. But the real torture lasted 4 years complete with hordes of flying monkeys. I moved across the country, and it finally stopped.
@@jamespenn5788 Yes, you are right and I'm glad you got out of it. Not eassy, I understand how you feel. You can't even be friends with them, no contact is the best option. Thank you for sharing your experience💜
@@susanmcguire4664 I agree. I have learned this through my experience; I have a few Narcissist that have affected me. I know that they put the blame on someone else. I have been the target person for that mistreatment several times. The most difficult is my husband since live with him it occurs frequently. Also, whenever something goes wrong with him like when he got dismissed from a job, he made excuses. After a few years, I started questioning in my mind that what he says doesn't align with the facts of reality. He makes excuses for everything. I could write a chapter on the examples. And I know why he does it.
I stopped asking the narcissist any questions several years ago because I hated being lied to. It was a lonely way to live. And, yes, he believes his lies.
I think it is actually impossible to know what anyone actually believes. And it doesn't matter whether they believe it or not. Life is easier if you don't care, and don't try to make sense of their puerile claims. So we end up in the same place, don't bother asking "difficult questions." They will still create an alternate reality, but somehow it is less painful. Regardless, it a terrible way to live.
Ha ha that's so funny! We've a snow storm, my son still went to 'stage', he's a student nurse! Yes the one I went to court for proper schooling (like I wouldn't notice he was psychotic) so he's returned, footprints 👣 on the walkway (5:30 a.m.) but I thought it was simply my husband sleepwalking unknowingly to me (I usually catch/stop ✋ him at the door !🚪)
Or pretend to not know people they do. Classic tactic to demean. My ex narcissist boss told this plainly- pretend you don’t know someone- it makes them feel less than and puts you in the power position. Sick.
Isn't that extremely unattractive, did you confront him about it ? I would definitely confront , maybe he was just mistaken ... if it was complete fabrication seems pretty pathetic Edit: maybe it was just a moment of Insecurity , and not something he does all the time
@@intuitivelogic5159 it was very immature. His reason / excuse was he didn't want to hurt their feelings, as if other people's feelings were important to him. In his mind it's the right thing to do and I didn't call him out because what would be the use. Calling him out has never been that productive. He'll never change. I don't attend social events with him and this is one of the reasons why. I socialize on my own
I saw my ex's Tinder profile. She has Honesty as her number one trait. When I would confront her about her lies she said I was just jealous of her talents. God help the next person.
The lies are who they want/wish to be. At the same time since abandonment is the biggest flaw of their childhood, they abandoned themselves long ago and hence have no real chance at being dedicated to improve their self and become/be their true version without lies. They betray themselves and feel no consequence since they have no real sense of true and false, that’s part of the reason why they think they can do whatever without there being consequences and if there are consequences they just lie. Lying is their biggest defense mechanism.
@Alexeus, I really love what you replied. It hit something deep in my core. My confusion is this (And Dr. Remini, please respond also, if you would): Do we then Villify the narcissist, or do we recognize the deep fear of abandonment in them, with the knowledge that it's never going to change? I've been learning so much from Dr. Remini and Mr. Teahan. And gratefully, I can recognize my own narcissistic traits (?) over the years. And I am starting to recall that kind of behavior, especially in my late father. I am exhausted.
@@pGfLexed - They DO know the difference between right & wrong but they abhor getting caught; the ever present DENIAL used as their primary defense mechanism. “What would the neighbors think?” Is a motto they live by; hide all wrongdoings, even to oneself.
Yes and no. He lied all the time. About everything. Sometimes he believed the lies, sometimes he just enjoyed being superior watching me function based on his lie.
Thanks Dr. Ramani. My husband was a narcissist and was lying. When I asked him why he lied, he responded me with another lie. That was the moment I completely lost faith in him. Now we are getting a divorce.
I thought I had allergies, everyday at about four I got a splitting headache. Divorce is difficult but when my ex left my headaches were at different times. Ended up I would probably have seen him at 5:30, the headaches were in anticipation of seeing him. Years later I still get headaches, but only when I am sick, so hardly ever. Hope all goes well for you, I’m glad he left me.
They cannot afford to not believe their own lies in the longterm. They know when they lie, but they don’t care, won’t/can’t accept the responsibility, and must turn everything into their own version of truth in order to not implode and lose their narcissistic façade/identity. That is why they become so enraged when they are caught in a lie, and re-enforce their own lies as truth by blaming others and making their delusions even more concrete in their false narratives in their own mind.
They try to convince with rage and violence and so can be very dangerous. They even lie about things they don't have to lie about ,there is no logic in their behavior. And very vengeful.
The hardest pill for me to swallow was the fact that he simply couldnt just admit anything....even when presented with concrete physical evidence that proves he lied....there were always a trail of excuse. If I ever pressed and pressed determined to get the explanation I was owed, he would turn nasty...even violent. I did everything from getting angry to pleading and even extending the proverbial olive branch to just get the issues between us settled....but nope. It is such a viciously wicked thing to see.....and nobody else understands what you're going through.
My narc would blame shift or simply gaslight me. I had a narc friend who broke a valuable object I have in my house in front of my eyes and she said, I DIDN'T DO THAT! You're mistaken. She sat her fat ass on a valuable antique chair I had told her repeatedly not to sit on and it cracked, but she told me that she didn't know how that happened because she didn't sit on it in a way that would have caused it to crack. I could have tied her to a wrack and torn her arms and legs off, she wouldn't admit to breaking it!
@@barb7124 u r never tò broken bc...there is a God. You r not alone. Ask God to heal you and He will. I was the samme, having low self esteem bc of bad childhood, attracting narcissists in my life, was always depressed and angry and later ptsd. God gave me self love and i then attracted a good man. Pray, forgive but keep your distance, set youd boundaries. Ask God to come to you and He will. We all need Him bc we all r broken..broken wifhout Him
"The lies become part of their identity", thx that explains a lot... It is so hard to fight, explain, defend yourself against these lies they spin to themselves and anyone who will listen. Impossible really. Best to pull yourself out of their world. You will never change them or their lies.
Their ego and sense of self worth would completely crush if they admitted any of their lies to themselves! Horrible hopelessly pathetic yet toxic and harmful people that I’ve personally experienced.
They live in a house of cards that are built on lies/half-truths, etc. you get narcissistic rage when you call them out on it because you are threatening the fragile house they built around their ego
The thing is that narcissists lie even when the truth would serve them as well or even better. So there is more to their compulsive lying than just protecting their image.
Yes I agree completely there are other dynamics. But just logically speaking, Sometimes maintaining an image doesn’t correspond to saying things that serve them best. there are different audiences, some might be audiences for their past in their minds that they value more than whoever is in front of them. Non narcissists might lie like that too on occasion, like when a child says “I can’t do this homework, it’s too hard, I’m just stupid”. Doing their homework would serve them best In not getting them in trouble. It would advance them in the subject, it would make them feel good for accomplishing something difficult, give them self esteem for overcoming something. What they feel serves them best is whining and arguing with dad rather than doing the unpleasant homework. What serves a person best is relative to time, values, etc. The “negative” image of being “stupid” serves them best and doesn’t in different ways
I agree completely. And I wonder if there's some sort of duper's delight going on with the pathological lying. Almost like a "because I can" type of attitude, apart from self-preservation.
@@cygnelle1232 - Totally agree! They pull the wool over the eyes of others, eventually believing their own lies to the point of pulling the wool over their own eyes.
I could never believe that anyone could have such a twisted perception of their own reality! Lying to others with such confidence could only mean that they lie to themselves, and who can lie to themselves with such consistency? It's pathological! So many people end up in therapy because of these people when these people need it the most and probably belong in a jail!
Since it's all about self-preservation, they probably aren't even concerning themselves with what is a lie and what isn't. There are bigger issues at stake in their mind. Great video and explanation, Dr. Ramani!
Exactly this. It's a reflexive action to get them what they want i.e. supply, validation, winning etc. They don't put thought into true vs. false. Simply what the effect will be for them.
Everything is about them, even information itself - true or false. So they dgaf which it is. All they ask is Will/Does This Make Me Look Good/Bad. If it would make them look bad, then in their mind it MUST be a lie, and if it makes them look good then in their brain obviously that has to be true because not only are they good - they are the best.
The amount of times I've said to my sister Stop lying. I live in a house with 2 people...my sister and my mother. Something happens which clearly wasn't my 80 year old mother....but my sister flat out says it wasn't her. It's so frustrating! I'm looking for a place to live and need to get out of there for my sanity.
I always direct people who don't understand narcissism to you Dr. Ramani. Your explanations are easy to understand and to the point. The best advice is to run and go no contact. You can't fix people who don't want to be fixed. They will drag you down and use you for a doormat. When they have used you up off to the garbage can with you. It doesn't matter how beautiful and talented you are. When you are no longer perceived as useful to the dumpster you go.
They absolutely believe their lies. That’s the scary part of it all. I’ve had to ask my narcissist soon to be ex if he actually believed the lie he just told and with a straight face he didn’t flinch. Such a pathetic miserable person
I wish I could give your videos more than a thumbs up. You have explained the crazy that I never understood. You literally saved my life. I have been at the point of suicide more than once because of the gaslighting and the way she has convinced everyone around me that she is wonderful and I am this evil person. Thank you so very very much.
I agree. Even though my ex lacked a certain kind of self-awareness, he knew very well how to sell himself. He chose to present himself as kind and down to earth because he knew those were attractive qualities and that he could use as a front to manipulate people. Narcissistic people are committed to their lies.
I was amazed at the supernatural ability to compartmentalize. One person in public, a demon in private. That takes a lot of skill I guess. I have trouble compartmentalizing (to a fault I suppose- not always a good quality because people can resent that), so was completely taken by surprise.
They never admit, even in front of evidence, their lies… They “ project “ and accuse back of imaginary faults, lies that one has accused them of… Just disgustingly dishonest. Thank you Dr Ramani
I remember a time when a friend of mine caught him active on tinder. I confronted him with screenshots. He blatantly lied that it was a fake profile with stolen pictures, even though the fake profile got his age, job, height, and interests right, and lived in the same town. Eventually he confessed but ofcourse it was my fault that he was on tinder. And the fact I got mad about it was because of my period. And no, he was not going to delete his profile for me, how dare I ask such a thing. You really can not win.
Can vouch. My ex needs her story to be true so badly that she rages at me with "righteous indignation" when my behavior or desires don't match the story she tells herself about me. As if she needs to control my identity. Also, she commits to her story, even in the face of proof and certain discovery, to the point that she put herself in danger.
Always and about everything....especially about remorse or guilt for their lying. "I'm sorry you feel that way" just means they wish they didn't have to talk about it.
I've gotten to the point where I have very little conversation with the narcissist because I know it will be a lie. Why bother? They will just spin another story, and get angry if you confront them. I'm over it, and I will not play the game.
With the narc I've dealt with, you never really know if she believes her own lies. Basically, it doesn't matter. As long as I know she's lying, I approach it from that angle. A lie is a lie is a lie, whether she convinces herself or not.
Had a vulnerable narcissist boyfriend who would call out all the time for work, missed months after moving in with me because of “depression”. He got a job that was 7 days a week, 10 hour days and was telling my brother how he’s hardly had any time to play video games because he’s working so much. He had just called out and played games all day a few days ago. Got defensive with me when I called him out and said it was from his depression (so it doesn’t count against him apparently). Started to get physical with me once I stopped saving him from his stupid choices and I left. Then when he saw me with my new boyfriend he tried to love bomb me by telling me how well he did with seeing his no contact parents. Demented. I don’t know why he thought that would work.
Dr Ramani you literally said Exactly what I experienced! I lived with this for 13years and I got away finally. He was awful too me and I found your channel which really helped me understand what was going on. The main thing is it is not completely my fault! After I left i found your channel.
Look at Adam Magaña of Active Church in San Luis Obispo, CA. Look at his Instagram account. You can just tell he’s a conman. Unbelievable narcissism. So many people being conned out of money.
I believe it's called memory editing. I've actually seen it happen on the fly. It was like watching a computer reboot. When she "came back" the story was completely different and she was delivering it as the absolute truth.
My 'narcissister' is a prime example of this. When my niece was a teenager, my sister drove a Mercedes and lived in a big house near the lakeshore that is full of antique furniture. This was a few years after her ex had left her. While putting on this financial show, she refused to buy some basic food because 'it is too expensive' and kept the heat so low in the winter that my niece had to wear her winter coat inside.
Especially with their dellusions of omnipotence and stardom and superiority. Cocaine, pills and alcholol give them such “high” - more than, better than dellusions.
YES. I stay away from them AND people believing in their lies. It seems like narcissists were never well punished for bad behavior in childhood. Thats why they still act childish.
@Millicient Aspinet Sending hugs (if you would like them) I do hope you were able to find good people as well and aren't always around the toxic folk. It is never easy escaping our traumatic families both past and present. The Dr and all of you help though.
Yes. My sister was the golden child and never any boundaries. Her daughter is the same and now two young grandchildren are in training that they are better than everyone else.
I tend to think it is not emotionally or socially progressing past about 14yo imho. It's an inability to see past yourself and the impact you have on those around you. There is even good intent, at times, but the narcissistic mind will twist it and the good will is tainted and undesirable.
My ex lied about everything. I didn’t realize the extent of his lies until after the full discard and divorce. It took a while to put the pieces together and recognize the lies. I was still in denial for a few of the lies and didn’t want to see the truth.
My narc husband lives in a world of magical thinking and lies. He will do or say anything to protect his delusions , including making up lies about his wife and being cruel to his children. His goal is to be Mr Wonderful to everyone else and to be a victim at all costs. He will take anyone down who might expose him or get in his way. Or who has needs- like his wife and children.
We don't hold conversations. Why? Because I can't believe a word she says. If I had money, I would silently not come home. Ever. 30+ years of devastating falseness.
My impression is that when they have one or more believers of their fake reality, they get huge satisfaction. They put more energy in maintaining those lies, when they want to preserve their connection with the believers.
Brilliant Video. My ex has an extraordinary skill. She lies and then when challenged she reframes the situation. If there's a flaw in the re-frame, she reframes again. This keeps happening until the reframe is undisprovable (still a lie, just can't prove it's a lie). And she does it instantly. I can't think that fast, let alone make up any explanation that fast.
My sister does the same thing. I remember one time she was flirting with my boyfriend(now ex) saying we should visit her at the strip club she worked at. I was so appalled she would even suggest that. Years later I confronted her about it and she did exactly what you're saying. Like somehow it was my misunderstanding when it was clear as day.
My mother does something similar where she takes the subject and continues on a rant with examples and stories. It kind of makes sense when she brings up an example and builds on it into next topics and so on. In the end she can ask "well don't you agree that you shouldn't hit dogs?" while the first subject may have been something political she wanted me to agree to. So she wants me to agree by presenting something obvious I agree to. I always get SO confused because I don't agree to the first subject but I can't say "no" because that would mean I agree to dogs being hit. And if I say "yes" then she takes it like what she thinks is right because I agree. I haven't actually written it out like this although I journal, so I'm so glad I found this channel to help me spell it out. Literally 😄
They do not believe their lies. They just care more about protecting themselves and their own reality than taking accountability for their actions or admitting wrong doing. Like Dr. Ramani stated, they are ruled by fear and they believe they should be able to do what they want and not be judged. They believe because they have to, but they do know they are doing wrong.
They are ready to destroy the relationships with their close ones, as it is currently the case with my narc non-brother. If one reaches that point, it means nothing can change / save them. Hopeless and utterly toxic individuals.
Sometimes about money, jealousy, can be punishment that you were closer to their parents than the narc sib.... God is witness to everything... Some relatives are toxic and have to be avoided and blocked especially after they've declared War on you. 😔😔😔 Good luck 🙏☮️✝️☯️🌼
That was a huge breakthrough for me. When I realized my husband truly believes what he says. It changes the dynamic. With a normal person you can call them out on lies. With a narcissist they believe their version of reality. Even in the face of video ‘proof’. Facts and evidence that don’t support THEIR reality simply get dismissed, discounted, and devalued.
Yes Dr. Ramani.......they do believe them and cursed be you to the netherworld for questioning their honesty and integrity.........at least that's my experience
My ex, when I confronted her lies just started gaslighting to deflect it. She was back to the same lies in a couple of days. It was like the confrontation never took place.
Yes they do! Thank you Dr. Ramani! My narcissist got everyone to believe I’m a drug addict and a alienator and kept our daughter from him. But the therapist involved , the 730 and drug revealed that to not be the case but he still can’t believe the facts even in court documents. It wouldn’t go well for him and his friends to know the truth they all look at him as the victim and have been horrible to me. I’m only concerned about protecting the kids and being there for them. As always thank you Dr. Ramani!
it is really sad with this estrangement. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren, because she lies, that I have once beaten her in her neck while giving a hug once to say godbye
I think at the first they don't, but over time, they start to believe their lies. Even if they face the facts and evidences, they rather believe in their lie.
Exactly. Sometimes we underestimate just how powerful denial can be. The human mind really is capable of such delusional thinking. Narcissists are a prime example of this. They're the leaders of their own little mini cults, on which reality has no bearing, even when they know the truth deep down in there somewhere.
They know their liars they just don't care and they know they can get away with it until you hold them accountable for their actions and confront them on it, I've seen them lie to get out of a lie, you can tell when they are lying, just listen to your intuition.👍 Dr RAMANI and survivors and thrivers 🙏
The mixed with fact is so so true. There’s always a half truth or incomplete information leading to assumptions - so they say they didn’t lie. They just left the door open to assumption.
when i first heard about narcisism i was trying to understand what lack of empathy is ,because my whole life i grew up with my parents presenting themselves as how awesome they are and good and kind. to realize that between hurting me deeply or being admired my father always chose the second with the lies and gaslighting.he would prefer to hurt me than loose admiration.although ironic because at the end what he was trying to avoid is how i perceive him .also that he saw me as his extension and he didn't care that we don't want the same thing nor feel the same. all the narcissists i knew present themselves as good people so it is tricky to see where is the narcissism and really understand what lack of empathy means at first
My narcissistic ex recently spent about a half hour trying to claim he hadn't lied about something I'd caught him lying about, and also claimed he had "never" lied to me in the year we were together (completely untrue of course) and then at the end of his rant said, "But if I lied I would be really, really good at it". Interesting how someone who "never" lies could also be good at it. Another interesting thing is that when I would first accuse him of a lie he wouldn't react with any surprise, as someone who hadn't lied would do. This might be something to watch for when you're not totally sure what's a lie and what isn't. I feel like on some level they know they're lying because they realize they have to make up fake stories to explain what "really" happened.
They just live in a different reality where reality is whoever wins the argument, rather than reality being an objective thing that exists outside of them.
I'm not in anyway trying to say he didn't lie , but I'd like to think I'd be really good at lying if I wanted to and have said that in the past to my girlfriend, but I've never lied to my girlfriend , and she's never accused me of lying . Also I actually take pride in the idea that I pretty much haven't lied in many years , in regards to using the word within the usage of intentionally trying to deceive someone , its part of my self image . So sometimes when I am accused of lying ( which actually happens alot because of my job ) I am sometimes triggered by it (especially when I'm sincerely trying to help someone and they tell me I'm lying ) and when I have been accused of lying in my personal life I can and have lashed out . What I'm trying to say in my second paragraph is that there is no right way to behave under a certain circumstance, and to assume one reaction is more telling than another is stripping people away of how unique they actual are, although they are very similar Its hurtful to be accused of lying when you haven't , makes sense to lash out Also makes sense to not lash out and have no emotional stimulation Depends on who is accusing you , and the details of the accusation and the relationship, current patience level exct...
Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. I have been watching your videos daily for over a year and I am starting to see the benefits of practicing what you preach, Dr. R. I had a really triggering thing happen this weekend, and instead of allowing it to derail me and send me into a 2 week long depression-rage spiral, I was able to talk to my inner child, identify my feelings about what happened, and take ownership for my actions that led to the event taking place, while not allowing myself to feel the blame for what the other person did, and without ruminating about the (admittedly unacceptable) actions of the other person. See? I'm no longer splitting! Yes, I felt ashamed after the event was over. Acknowledging to myself that I was feeling ashamed immediately allowed me to mentally walk myself back to a stable mindset, not even 1 day after the event took place. I am starting to feel the inner peace. Thank you Dr. R. I will follow your work until they day you retire. I hope that is a long ways off!
“The lies are who they are” So true. During an argument, a formerly close narcissistic friend even tried telling me that you are essentially whatever you tell other people about yourself! 🤦🏼♀️
Along with this question, is it possible that narcissistic people rationalize lying with the belief that everyone lies as much as they do. That lying is a cultural convention.
I'm up for that! Moron man thinks I'm out to financially get him (I'm not, I just beat him at his own game) but, for myself, I was very much able to rationalize his way of thinking.... He also accuses me of lying which never x my mind, he's bent I'm a nobody which he lives to regret!
I think that they rationalize that everyone lies but i believe they are alert that some people don't like lie like them. Sometimes they try to mock this personality (or just telling everyone they are the most honest person) if they think it will get them something but the whole time keeping up with the lying.
Yes. I worked for a boss once who instructed me to basically commit fraud to get ahead financially. Her reasoning was "everyone does it". I told her well, I don't! And I didn't. Of course she found a reason to let me go and did me one of the biggest favors of my life. 😊
In my family they not only get away with it they turn it on others. Family who does not know the truth will believe the gaslighting. I went No Contact & now I am the "Drama Queen" & the discarded. So it goes...🤷🏼♀️ Merry Christmas to all & a better healthier New Year!✌️
Had this experience with my PhD advisor. He would lie and misrepresent and gaslight constantly to try and hide his own insecurities as a scientific researcher. Trying to hash things out was impossible as he would refuse to accept what was plainly true. I ultimately realized the only option was to go grey rock. I still have to communicate here and there but so looking forward to the day I never have to interact with him again.
He lied on almost every level imaginable These monsters are so evil they go around useing people to get what they can and suck the life out of you if you let them, that is why you MUST GO NO CONTACT forever 💯
When a narc gets called out for their lies, best line “ …up to 2 weeks I DONT remember anything’ 🤦🏻♀️ . It’s so disturbing, coward. THEN blames his debt 50k on the bank!!! Lies, lies, never take accountability!!! Thank you for this video !!! ❤
Called me a paranoid when I spoke about third party. Gave up on the relationship but did not share the truth which I deserved to know and was promised. Hoovered after 6 months and still lied , told me ‘ you know I don’t lie’ …..when I took off and lost my cool , Blocked me because does not want to answer and I am too much of work so has been discarded. I know I will always be denied, so prefer to be discarded then being lied to. So be it. Thank you for sharing the video.
Thank you for making this video Dr Ramani. I have always been curious about this question myself. One thing that I have learned from watching your videos is, "talking to the narcissis about anything is like talking to a brick wall. You said it perfectly though when you talked about them not having empathy, or insight to connect the dots. I feel that the narcissist is equalviant to a bratty child who throws a fit when you don't , give them candy.
Before watching the video, my answer is yes 💯. They even take the credit for other people's accomplishments. I thought at first they just want to make the victim angry, but no, they really believe they deserve all the credits for other people's work even though they never lifted a finger to help. Go figure. OK, now I'm going to watch the video to see if I was right.
I think they lie out of expediency. I know my dad would say anything to get out of responsibility or if he was caught in an emotionally compromising position - he'd promise to lose weight with my brother, or he'd promise that he would make it to my next school concert, with absolutely NO intention of following through. He'd also lie about his childhood and his past, and he'd pile his narcissistic rage about the lie back on to YOU for questioning his story. Their fragile egos can't handle any pushback.
EXCELLENT...ABSOLUTELY. I listened to his lie about owning his own business for years until finally someone asked him a question that he couldn't answer. I could see the fear on his face on being found out it was memorable he couldn't back pedal fast enough. He was so used to telling that lie that I think he didn't judge this person right, normally he would have superiority and the people that he would brag too would usually never question him. Or they were just polite and didn't want to embarrass him because of me. After almost getting caught he stopped telling that lie. He used that lie on me when we were first dating to make me think he was so accomplished, then when we got married and he started using it in social situations, and I knew more about him, I said why do you say that its not true? His excuse was its just easier to say that the shop was mine instead of that I just worked there. Excuses are only good for the narcissist to use if anyone else does it he gets all over them...he would come unglued if I or his daughters would use even a little tiny excuse for something, he would be so berating ... to the extent we used to have PTST whenever we attempted an excuse or even used the word.
The narcissist doesn’t understand the concept of lying. The “victim” is always lying of course- in their mind. They never lie - in their mind. It’s just their truth.
The 'should be able to do what they want when they want' really made sense to me. Thanks for that, Dr. Ramani. The narc reminds me of a little kid trying to get their way...horrible to watch the narcs tantrums and you definitely can't call them out on any of their lies. Staying clear is the only option.
My ex frequently bragged about what a good liar she was as a kid. Once she said, "and I still am." Listen to people when they talk. They will tell you who they are.
Believe them when they show you who they are the first time!
This is so true.. or when you see them lie effortlessly to other people this is also a major red flag
TRUTH. It's "funny" once you actually listen, most people will tell you who they are. One of my coworker has told me "Im completely messed up person" and he really was.
I think this is a trap they are setting up to discover the empaths, because the old me would be like "Nah, common dude, cut yourself some slack". The new me took notes and stayed the hell away.
I dunno, my son says stuff like this all the time but if you ask him point blank the truth, he will tell you. But he brags he's a good liar! He has autism, for reference. Some people just have diarrhea of the mouth. For instance I'm a lesbian but I am obsessed with the part of the magicians where Elliot is singing and dancing in the desert. When I say that, people will think "AHAH!! So she is not gay! Knew it!" But I don't mean anything by it, I just love his passionate singing and his style. But if people over-judge everything I say to fit their narrative, it'll definitely be easy for them. Careful you're not shutting out good people due to past trauma and paranoia. Blessed be
@@jennytimelord9689 those two stories are not the same thing at all. Your conclusion goes with your sons behaviour, but the autism is more important than just a note at the end. A better conclusion would be to say “with the exception of autistic people who are an exception to the pattern, don’t wrongly misjudge them to be narcissists”. Dr Ramani has a whole video on how to not get that mixed up.
Your thing with liking a male singer and people’s response to it is unrelated to the whole topic. Your acquaintances are just simplistic and rude, basically stupid jerks. people who identify and save themselves from narcissists are not stupid jerks.
Absolutely. They protect their version of reality at all costs.
Yes just crazy
An old bud (my daughter's God-Mother) told me she'd rather just not go to something than arrive late! She'd basically criticized me for something I was late for (could we all just slow down a tad) so her remark stuck, these narcs dent our brains!
Exactly, which is why they will gladly cut out anyone who threatens their narrative and tell other people crazy stories to make it all make sense
I don't understand this comment. Please help me out. Everyone has their version of reality, it's from their POV, right? And denying someone's reality is gaslighting is it not? EDIT: What I mean to say is that your POV isn't going to be the same as the other person in a situation and if someone denies you; your perceived reality.. idk. Wouldn't you protect your reality? Life has taught me that MY reality is MY truth. Does that make me a narcissist?
They look at you, KNOW that they are indeed creating a lie on the spot, and then BELIEVE it, becuase the lie makes them right.
Q: How do you stop a narcissist from lying to you?…
A: Cut them out of your life. No contact, no lies.
If you have any contact with them, guarantee they will lie to you.
I'm sticking around...I don't believe their stories and accept it.
I know a lot of semi-narcissists, they don’t lie all the time. Full narcissists are like cartoons to me now.
@@cymbolichuman433 this way at least you’re steering the rollercoaster instead of blind to the turns
Totally right
👏👏👏 100%!
"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love."
-- Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
This quote says it all. Dostoevsky saw the truth.
I love his books
That is most impt. I do feel sometimes even non narcissistic people need to lie at times
My favorite part from this book is the section where an actual PRIEST looks the second coming of Christ in the eye, and explains how he's wrong. I'm not even a religious person, AND I RECOGNIZE A NARCISSIST WHEN THEY'RE DEPICTED!
And the woman who lies to herself....
It is actually terrifying to watch a person refuse to admit to a lie when they are caught 😳
Makes me wonder can they pass a polygraph with this belief system?
This thing eerrr they are so good in it
@@88freighttrain they most likely would.
Yes!
The lies they tell you are one thing; the lies they tell ABOUT YOU are entirely next level!!!
I am a Physician who stayed with a narcissist Spouse for 30 years for my own reasons. They DEFINITELY believe their lies; they are not lies to them. You cannot convince them their interpretation of anything is incorrect. They are Authorities on everything, and that is necessary for their precarious survival. JUST GET OUT when you have “had enough”.
It must have been difficult to live day to day in that
atmosphere. Staying true is your only hope for sanity.
I have had enough. My N is not malignant and more the mild side I think and I think that makes it all the more confusing to me :(
"Narcissists dont lie they cofabulate" @Sam Vaknin
@@Sarablueunicorn everybody confabulates some time and don't mean any harm it's normal, but when someone does it most of the time its manupilation and I can't believe they are not aware of their lies all the time.
@@claratreeborn8647 For most decisions the hardest ones are not the ones that are black or white, living in the gray zone is the worst.
Being with a narcissist is like being in a cult. The way they gaslight and manipulate their partners keeps them in this fog of thinking the way they are being treated is normal, when in reality, they are being abused.
That's very well put.
Spot on. At some point it really felt as though I'm one man cult devoted, thanks to his insidious mental abuse and constant cognitive-dissonance. I ran away. Horrendous shit.
So true
Narcissists lie about EVERYTHING even dumb crap. I once told a narcissist, "I don't believe ANYTHING you say." He thought I was kidding because he was convinced that he had everybody fooled.
"He was convinced that he had everybody fooled." Indeed. And that's precisely the issue.
Exactly. Then they're angry when someone sees through that. Actually they were exposing themselves all this while they just didn't realise until someone called them out or told them off.
I agree, they lie about things they don't even need to lie about
When I told him that he reversed it on me. He also used to say, “Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?” Smh
As someone who has narcissists in my family and had to go no contact, they most definitely believe in their lies. Which is scary because not only do they justify their evil actions but they actually believe their lies. So in their minds they are innocent.
YUP
So damn true.
A narcissistic psychopath?
Absolutely true
I recently stated to a narc that masking children is child abuse. The narc misquoted me and told the young parent that I said they should be arrested for child abuse.
I KNEW IT!! I've been saying for years that the reason my ex will never change is because he truly believes his own bullsh*t. Thank you for the confirmation Dr. Ramani!
The stories of lies don’t even matter to them. They are just a means to an end so they don’t need to believe it themselves really. They just need to make sure to be convincing enough because all of their behaviour is a work of ever adapting and altering so called personae. They truly do not have an ego.
Yes, they believe themselves. Lies become reality for the narcissist...they will think you are wrong for not believing them...
They asure you are the idiot, and they do it delivery, that's worse than lying...
Right on! Perhaps they think their lie wasn't good enough/big enough when we don't! Malignant mom would tell whoppers for yrs, I was golden child gone copper, it wasn't so much that I didn't believe, as I was groomed to, it's just that I cared less what she had to say! 😘🙋
Which is a huge mindfuck when they believe the opposite the next day. Or 2 opposite things at the same time
@@M_SC yep kinda half an hour later ...but if you are going somewhere is the time when you hear "now? you told me this, that and the other..." this one is their favourite...always in the precise moment you are in a hurry and they know they need NOTHING, just your 24/7 attention. sick sick sick
@@M_SC - YES! Total hypocrites.
It's scary when you can no longer tell if they are lying or telling you the truth, they are experts. Just assume everything you hear them say is a lie. I broke away from a friend who is a narcissist and it's crazy, I miss him for a few minutes and quickly remember how miserable I was.
Yes Carrie! They only lie when their lips are moving.
Good suggestion! Indeed if you assume that by default, you are highly likely to be right a lot of the time - or even the vast majority of the time!
I got to the point where I was starting to feel pathetic for needing someone so much, I would tolerate even their crap. THATS when I woke up. I mean, if I really am that low, I need to be alone to work on myself.
@@user-ii3vn8tn3q they make you feel that way, they are very charming and before you know it, your sucked in. Don't blame yourself. Get help for yourself.
Not always deep in their own brains, they don't believe their own lies.
But to our faces they absolutely always do. They deny.
They refuse to give is the satisfaction of allowing us to see them,
seeing themselves,
for who they are and the heinous sht they do.
CW: sexual trauma...
I will never forget the day my father told us he was suspended from his job pending a disciplinary hearing. (He was found guilty and fired, thank god.) He wouldn't initially say why he was being disciplined. All he said that day was, very curtly, "I'm sorry I keep disappointing you guys. Please just know it has nothing to do with fraud." Like... he ACTUALLY thought that was a semi-redeeming thing he was saying.
When I found out he was in trouble for sexual harassment... First of all, I wish I could say I was surprised. But I knew this fool and I believed his accusers immediately. I remember wishing it had been fraud he was in trouble for instead. He was so oblivious to the damage he was causing these women that he actually thought fraud was a worse crime, that it would be a bigger blot on his reputation. I will say, unfortunately, he was kind of right on the latter point. His reputation suffered far less damage than it might have if he had committed fraud instead. Such is the world we live in. Just goes to show what we really value.
And, of course, he went into the classic harasser's defense: "The women in the office are conspiring against me. They're bitter because I never promoted them." It was staggering, the confidence with which he told these lies, and I remember thinking there must be some part of him that is deluded enough to believe what he's saying, to believe that he's the victim here. Unfortunately, my mom believed him at the time. I desperately wanted to reach out to at least one of his accusers and tell them that I believed them; that he has always been a garbage human being; that I thought they were so brave. But my mom yelled at me and said I should be standing by my father's side. I had already long wanted nothing to do with him and everyone in my family thought I was just being rebellious and overly harsh on my poor father, who had worked so hard and done so much for us. Pssssh. I know those women were telling the truth, because behind the scenes he had also been harassing me and assaulting my mom. When the Harvey Weinstein scandals finally broke years later, I remember thinking, "I can well imagine what it must be like to be one of his daughters."
Thank you so much for sharing that.
@@M_SC Thank you for taking the time to read it. I always want fellow survivors to know that a perpetrator's family members don't always tow the line in service of toxic silence. Also, to the point of the video, it felt like a good example of how, even when the lies are ridiculous and blatant, the narcissist buys into their own BS, at least to a degree.
I’m sorry this was your father
I'm pretty sure that quite a few communal narcissists behave like your father. I was wondering why it was that your mother who had been assaulted by your father herself could possibly chide you out for (rightly) pointing your finger at him...you're perfectly right, the justice system and indeed society are often tougher on those who steal than on the ones that harass and show utter disregard for other people's basic rights...so very sad...
@@LOKI77able Thank you so much, Lorenzo. You're right about communal narcissists. I think many of them operate exactly like my father does. I wonder the same thing about my mother. I think she was in denial about her own situation for decades and a part of her desperately wanted to remain in denial. Doesn't make it ok though, and she's done a lot of damage to me over the years herself. I'm just grateful to people like Dr Ramani for educating us about these patterns so we can gradually learn to stop the self-blame.
Growing up my mom would hide her jewelry, then accuse me of stealing it. In reality, she forgot she hid it or where she hid it. So for however long, she would make my life hell, calling me a thief, talking on the phone to everyone calling me a thief, telling my stepdad who 100 percent enabled her dysfunctional ways that I was a thief so he would treat me badly. Then one day she would just be wearing the piece she’d been making my life hell over. I learned to not even mention it because if I dared say anything she would go louder and longer than me and argue with such conviction that either she never accused me of stealing it or I was greatly exaggerating how badly she treated me over it. I used to really wonder if maybe I was crazy because she was so adamant in her argument. That’s just one example, I could name at least 100 and since I’ve learned I didn’t need to question my reality but I’ve wondered soooo many times if she actually believes her lies.
Oh it had been very hard for you ❤️🤗.
Hugs 🤗 she is nuts
Nurse Jessie Wow! I can not believe that someone else had a mother like mine! Childhood was a nightmare for people like us. I’m sorry for what you went through 😢 I hope you find healing. It’s such a long road
@@godfirst4964 I’m on a bare minimum contact basis with her. My older brother has been completely no contact for over 10 years now. The same one who always treated her “so much better” than I ever did. I feel sorry for my youngest brother, he was the golden child and honestly, that’s the worst position to be in. She lives with him and is codependent with him and he really has no way out :( The weird jewelry thing my mom did has made a lasting impression though, I would never and still won’t accept anything given from her to me. I’m very grateful to channels like this that help people like us see, it wasn’t us our whole lives.
@Nurse Jessie My mother was like that too. Accusing me of scratching the side of the car once. I was terrified to drive that thing and knew I hadn't scraped against anything. But she stomped off showing me and pointing to the "scratch". I started touching it and it was just dirt that came off. Her shame probably got triggered (my partner was there with me) so she started excusing her belief like "well it really looked like a scratch and I myself have a difficult time parking so close to the pillar" and then she went on some rant about traffic, and cars and the colour red and so much weird stuff I can't even come up with the crazy stuff she babbles on about. The really disgusting thing is that I sometimes feared being right more because of the unpredictable behaviour she had. Often going into anger but sometimes what was worse her monologues where she justified her behaviour. It was always this feeling of don't speak up because "we need to stick together", "we only have eachother" "who else could we rely on if not eachother?" "we can't be angry at eachother" and so on. Funny it never worked for my benefit.
When the *lies* are constant, explained reasonably, and mixed with real notions, the victims of *narcissistic abuse* often end up *gaslighting* themselves, which makes lying easier for the *narcissists*
Yes, this. I’ve said it’s what they get you to do to yourself that hurts the most.
@@nursejessie8149 Absolutely! It did a number on my self-esteem in the past, but I'm also grateful of how strong I have become thanks to it
They also often lie in situations where the truth would serve them better.
Yes, they do and that's why they are so good at lying and live in their own particular reality. You are right Dr. Ramani. Anything that threatens their reality triggers their fear and rage. They will threaten you if you try to expose them in any way and sadly in many cases they will harm people💔
This is a great video, thank you💕💕💕
Anything that contradicts their insecurity triggers them, that's their "fear" show, that's nothing else than MORE childish behavior of being noticed, believe me, acting adult, yes acting, are hilarious...hahaha so they tend to expose themselves anyways
@@catsarehere67 Yes, I agree❤
From my experience with the narcs in my life. Narcs are unpredictable and very dangerous especially if you call them out. Narcs are predictable in that they all run a pattern of behaviors but are unpredictable when they perceive someone has wronged them. They will save that perceived wrong and exact revenge at a later date. Even when the perceived wrong isn't reality. One narc told me that when someone accuses you of something it is because they are doing it themselves. He later accused me of infidelity. Which wasn't true. So that was the no contact and end of the relationship. But the real torture lasted 4 years complete with hordes of flying monkeys. I moved across the country, and it finally stopped.
@@jamespenn5788 Yes, you are right and I'm glad you got out of it. Not eassy, I understand how you feel. You can't even be friends with them, no contact is the best option. Thank you for sharing your experience💜
Yes. They conduct “suicide attacks” of sorts.
I did notice that a narcissist will not admit or take responsibility for lying. And Narcissist think they can get away with poor or bad behavior.
They do not like taking responsibility for any of their behaviour.
@@susanmcguire4664 I agree. I have learned this through my experience; I have a few Narcissist that have affected me. I know that they put the blame on someone else. I have been the target person for that mistreatment several times. The most difficult is my husband since live with him it occurs frequently. Also, whenever something goes wrong with him like when he got dismissed from a job, he made excuses. After a few years, I started questioning in my mind that what he says doesn't align with the facts of reality. He makes excuses for everything. I could write a chapter on the examples. And I know why he does it.
I stopped asking the narcissist any questions several years ago because I hated being lied to. It was a lonely way to live.
And, yes, he believes his lies.
I think it is actually impossible to know what anyone actually believes. And it doesn't matter whether they believe it or not. Life is easier if you don't care, and don't try to make sense of their puerile claims.
So we end up in the same place, don't bother asking "difficult questions." They will still create an alternate reality, but somehow it is less painful. Regardless, it a terrible way to live.
It really is amazing the little things they lie about. I watched my husband pretend to know people he didn't know
Ha ha that's so funny! We've a snow storm, my son still went to 'stage', he's a student nurse! Yes the one I went to court for proper schooling (like I wouldn't notice he was psychotic) so he's returned, footprints 👣 on the walkway (5:30 a.m.) but I thought it was simply my husband sleepwalking unknowingly to me (I usually catch/stop ✋ him at the door !🚪)
that is so sick.
Or pretend to not know people they do. Classic tactic to demean. My ex narcissist boss told this plainly- pretend you don’t know someone- it makes them feel less than and puts you in the power position. Sick.
Isn't that extremely unattractive, did you confront him about it ?
I would definitely confront , maybe he was just mistaken ... if it was complete fabrication seems pretty pathetic
Edit: maybe it was just a moment of Insecurity , and not something he does all the time
@@intuitivelogic5159 it was very immature. His reason / excuse was he didn't want to hurt their feelings, as if other people's feelings were important to him. In his mind it's the right thing to do and I didn't call him out because what would be the use. Calling him out has never been that productive. He'll never change. I don't attend social events with him and this is one of the reasons why. I socialize on my own
I saw my ex's Tinder profile. She has Honesty as her number one trait. When I would confront her about her lies she said I was just jealous of her talents. God help the next person.
You are safe
“The lies are who they are...” Integrity Heals, and protects us from narcissistic abuse! 💐
The lies are who they want/wish to be. At the same time since abandonment is the biggest flaw of their childhood, they abandoned themselves long ago and hence have no real chance at being dedicated to improve their self and become/be their true version without lies. They betray themselves and feel no consequence since they have no real sense of true and false, that’s part of the reason why they think they can do whatever without there being consequences and if there are consequences they just lie. Lying is their biggest defense mechanism.
@Alexeus, I really love what you replied. It hit something deep in my core.
My confusion is this (And Dr. Remini, please respond also, if you would):
Do we then Villify the narcissist, or do we recognize the deep fear of abandonment in them, with the knowledge that it's never going to change?
I've been learning so much from Dr. Remini and Mr. Teahan. And gratefully, I can recognize my own narcissistic traits (?) over the years. And I am starting to recall that kind of behavior, especially in my late father.
I am exhausted.
@@pGfLexed - They DO know the difference between right & wrong but they abhor getting caught; the ever present DENIAL used as their primary defense mechanism. “What would the neighbors think?” Is a motto they live by; hide all wrongdoings, even to oneself.
Absolutely ❤
Yes and no. He lied all the time. About everything. Sometimes he believed the lies, sometimes he just enjoyed being superior watching me function based on his lie.
They lie when the truth would be easier.
You're right
Exactly.
Thanks Dr. Ramani. My husband was a narcissist and was lying. When I asked him why he lied, he responded me with another lie. That was the moment I completely lost faith in him. Now we are getting a divorce.
I thought I had allergies, everyday at about four I got a splitting headache. Divorce is difficult but when my ex left my headaches were at different times. Ended up I would probably have seen him at 5:30, the headaches were in anticipation of seeing him. Years later I still get headaches, but only when I am sick, so hardly ever. Hope all goes well for you, I’m glad he left me.
They cannot afford to not believe their own lies in the longterm. They know when they lie, but they don’t care, won’t/can’t accept the responsibility, and must turn everything into their own version of truth in order to not implode and lose their narcissistic façade/identity. That is why they become so enraged when they are caught in a lie, and re-enforce their own lies as truth by blaming others and making their delusions even more concrete in their false narratives in their own mind.
They try to convince with rage and violence and so can be very dangerous. They even lie about things they don't have to lie about ,there is no logic in their behavior. And very vengeful.
The hardest pill for me to swallow was the fact that he simply couldnt just admit anything....even when presented with concrete physical evidence that proves he lied....there were always a trail of excuse. If I ever pressed and pressed determined to get the explanation I was owed, he would turn nasty...even violent. I did everything from getting angry to pleading and even extending the proverbial olive branch to just get the issues between us settled....but nope. It is such a viciously wicked thing to see.....and nobody else understands what you're going through.
My narc would blame shift or simply gaslight me. I had a narc friend who broke a valuable object I have in my house in front of my eyes and she said, I DIDN'T DO THAT! You're mistaken. She sat her fat ass on a valuable antique chair I had told her repeatedly not to sit on and it cracked, but she told me that she didn't know how that happened because she didn't sit on it in a way that would have caused it to crack. I could have tied her to a wrack and torn her arms and legs off, she wouldn't admit to breaking it!
The point is, why do you put up with it
@@stefaniakonstantinidou981 because of the trauma bond. I am 43 and too broken to start over.
@@barb7124 u r never tò broken bc...there is a God. You r not alone. Ask God to heal you and He will. I was the samme, having low self esteem bc of bad childhood, attracting narcissists in my life, was always depressed and angry and later ptsd. God gave me self love and i then attracted a good man. Pray, forgive but keep your distance, set youd boundaries. Ask God to come to you and He will. We all need Him bc we all r broken..broken wifhout Him
"The lies become part of their identity", thx that explains a lot... It is so hard to fight, explain, defend yourself against these lies they spin to themselves and anyone who will listen. Impossible really. Best to pull yourself out of their world. You will never change them or their lies.
Their ego and sense of self worth would completely crush if they admitted any of their lies to themselves! Horrible hopelessly pathetic yet toxic and harmful people that I’ve personally experienced.
They live in a house of cards that are built on lies/half-truths, etc. you get narcissistic rage when you call them out on it because you are threatening the fragile house they built around their ego
In their world, if it isn't a lie, it isn't the truth.
Bang on!
Heads I WIN, tails YOU LOSE syndrome!
The thing is that narcissists lie even when the truth would serve them as well or even better. So there is more to their compulsive lying than just protecting their image.
Yes I agree completely there are other dynamics.
But just logically speaking, Sometimes maintaining an image doesn’t correspond to saying things that serve them best. there are different audiences, some might be audiences for their past in their minds that they value more than whoever is in front of them.
Non narcissists might lie like that too on occasion, like when a child says “I can’t do this homework, it’s too hard, I’m just stupid”. Doing their homework would serve them best In not getting them in trouble. It would advance them in the subject, it would make them feel good for accomplishing something difficult, give them self esteem for overcoming something. What they feel serves them best is whining and arguing with dad rather than doing the unpleasant homework. What serves a person best is relative to time, values, etc. The “negative” image of being “stupid” serves them best and doesn’t in different ways
I agree completely. And I wonder if there's some sort of duper's delight going on with the pathological lying. Almost like a "because I can" type of attitude, apart from self-preservation.
@@cygnelle1232 - Totally agree! They pull the wool over the eyes of others, eventually believing their own lies to the point of pulling the wool over their own eyes.
They're protecting their image by refusing to admit to lying. For them admiting a lie would be to show their true self which they refuse to do
I could never believe that anyone could have such a twisted perception of their own reality! Lying to others with such confidence could only mean that they lie to themselves, and who can lie to themselves with such consistency? It's pathological! So many people end up in therapy because of these people when these people need it the most and probably belong in a jail!
I know. I was the one in therapy and remember when I decided to stop. Why? ‘Because we never talk about me’
Someone with NPD is pathologically disordered.
@@hissyfitz7890 and 99 percent incurable
Since it's all about self-preservation, they probably aren't even concerning themselves with what is a lie and what isn't. There are bigger issues at stake in their mind. Great video and explanation, Dr. Ramani!
Exactly this. It's a reflexive action to get them what they want i.e. supply, validation, winning etc. They don't put thought into true vs. false. Simply what the effect will be for them.
Their only concern about lying is if they get caught.
Exactly. They need the lies to be true so desperately, they scrounge for any possible supporting evidence, even if it's way outside of reasonable.
Everything is about them, even information itself - true or false. So they dgaf which it is. All they ask is Will/Does This Make Me Look Good/Bad. If it would make them look bad, then in their mind it MUST be a lie, and if it makes them look good then in their brain obviously that has to be true because not only are they good - they are the best.
The amount of times I've said to my sister Stop lying. I live in a house with 2 people...my sister and my mother. Something happens which clearly wasn't my 80 year old mother....but my sister flat out says it wasn't her. It's so frustrating! I'm looking for a place to live and need to get out of there for my sanity.
I always direct people who don't understand narcissism to you Dr. Ramani. Your explanations are easy to understand and to the point. The best advice is to run and go no contact. You can't fix people who don't want to be fixed. They will drag you down and use you for a doormat. When they have used you up off to the garbage can with you. It doesn't matter how beautiful and talented you are. When you are no longer perceived as useful to the dumpster you go.
They absolutely believe their lies. That’s the scary part of it all. I’ve had to ask my narcissist soon to be ex if he actually believed the lie he just told and with a straight face he didn’t flinch. Such a pathetic miserable person
I wish I could give your videos more than a thumbs up. You have explained the crazy that I never understood. You literally saved my life. I have been at the point of suicide more than once because of the gaslighting and the way she has convinced everyone around me that she is wonderful and I am this evil person. Thank you so very very much.
A lot of us have been there. Persevere, believe your own eyes and ears. All the best to you.
I completely understand how you feel. Don’t give up there’s a light at the end of the tunnel🙏
Hold on, just a bit longer mister! Truth has a way of finding its way out.
I agree. Even though my ex lacked a certain kind of self-awareness, he knew very well how to sell himself. He chose to present himself as kind and down to earth because he knew those were attractive qualities and that he could use as a front to manipulate people.
Narcissistic people are committed to their lies.
Totally!
I was amazed at the supernatural ability to compartmentalize. One person in public, a demon in private. That takes a lot of skill I guess. I have trouble compartmentalizing (to a fault I suppose- not always a good quality because people can resent that), so was completely taken by surprise.
They never admit, even in front of evidence, their lies…
They “ project “ and accuse back of imaginary faults, lies that one has accused them of…
Just disgustingly dishonest.
Thank you Dr Ramani
I remember a time when a friend of mine caught him active on tinder. I confronted him with screenshots. He blatantly lied that it was a fake profile with stolen pictures, even though the fake profile got his age, job, height, and interests right, and lived in the same town. Eventually he confessed but ofcourse it was my fault that he was on tinder. And the fact I got mad about it was because of my period. And no, he was not going to delete his profile for me, how dare I ask such a thing. You really can not win.
Can vouch. My ex needs her story to be true so badly that she rages at me with "righteous indignation" when my behavior or desires don't match the story she tells herself about me. As if she needs to control my identity. Also, she commits to her story, even in the face of proof and certain discovery, to the point that she put herself in danger.
Always and about everything....especially about remorse or guilt for their lying.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" just means they wish they didn't have to talk about it.
Yes, they do. They have a set of standards for themselves and a set of standards for everyone else.
I've gotten to the point where I have very little conversation with the narcissist because I know it will be a lie. Why bother? They will just spin another story, and get angry if you confront them. I'm over it, and I will not play the game.
They are MASTERS of spin.
With the narc I've dealt with, you never really know if she believes her own lies. Basically, it doesn't matter. As long as I know she's lying, I approach it from that angle. A lie is a lie is a lie, whether she convinces herself or not.
Had a vulnerable narcissist boyfriend who would call out all the time for work, missed months after moving in with me because of “depression”. He got a job that was 7 days a week, 10 hour days and was telling my brother how he’s hardly had any time to play video games because he’s working so much. He had just called out and played games all day a few days ago. Got defensive with me when I called him out and said it was from his depression (so it doesn’t count against him apparently). Started to get physical with me once I stopped saving him from his stupid choices and I left.
Then when he saw me with my new boyfriend he tried to love bomb me by telling me how well he did with seeing his no contact parents. Demented. I don’t know why he thought that would work.
Dr Ramani you literally said Exactly what I experienced! I lived with this for 13years and I got away finally. He was awful too me and I found your channel which really helped me understand what was going on.
The main thing is it is not completely my fault! After I left i found your channel.
"The lies. Are who. They are." Thank you, Dr. Ramani. That is their truth.
Look at Adam Magaña of Active Church in San Luis Obispo, CA. Look at his Instagram account. You can just tell he’s a conman. Unbelievable narcissism. So many people being conned out of money.
I believe it's called memory editing. I've actually seen it happen on the fly. It was like watching a computer reboot. When she "came back" the story was completely different and she was delivering it as the absolute truth.
Narc would repeat lie about 1000 times ... it was so ingrained into their mind, it became truth.
They don't believe their lies....but they are going to make sure you do !!!
My 'narcissister' is a prime example of this. When my niece was a teenager, my sister drove a Mercedes and lived in a big house near the lakeshore that is full of antique furniture. This was a few years after her ex had left her. While putting on this financial show, she refused to buy some basic food because 'it is too expensive' and kept the heat so low in the winter that my niece had to wear her winter coat inside.
That is why narcissists often use alcohol or drugs to help themselves believe their own lies...
Exactly. Denial is a particular sign of addiction.
Especially with their dellusions of omnipotence and stardom and superiority. Cocaine, pills and alcholol give them such “high” - more than, better than dellusions.
Ok I was wondering he been sober 10 years then fell off three times 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
YES. I stay away from them AND people believing in their lies. It seems like narcissists were never well punished for bad behavior in childhood. Thats why they still act childish.
My narc brother's mantra is "I can get away with anything."
@Millicient Aspinet Sending hugs (if you would like them) I do hope you were able to find good people as well and aren't always around the toxic folk. It is never easy escaping our traumatic families both past and present. The Dr and all of you help though.
Sometimes they are punished so severely that they will lie to get out of being punished.
Yes. My sister was the golden child and never any boundaries. Her daughter is the same and now two young grandchildren are in training that they are better than everyone else.
I tend to think it is not emotionally or socially progressing past about 14yo imho. It's an inability to see past yourself and the impact you have on those around you. There is even good intent, at times, but the narcissistic mind will twist it and the good will is tainted and undesirable.
My ex lied about everything. I didn’t realize the extent of his lies until after the full discard and divorce. It took a while to put the pieces together and recognize the lies. I was still in denial for a few of the lies and didn’t want to see the truth.
My narc husband lives in a world of magical thinking and lies. He will do or say anything to protect his delusions , including making up lies about his wife and being cruel to his children. His goal is to be Mr Wonderful to everyone else and to be a victim at all costs. He will take anyone down who might expose him or get in his way. Or who has needs- like his wife and children.
THIS is why their gaslighting is SO effective. They believe their fabrication so completely, it makes you second guess your own point of view.
"The lies are who they are."'👍
Lying is the narcissist's way of life & being; they don't know any other.
We don't hold conversations. Why? Because I can't believe a word she says. If I had money, I would silently not come home. Ever. 30+ years of devastating falseness.
My impression is that when they have one or more believers of their fake reality, they get huge satisfaction. They put more energy in maintaining those lies, when they want to preserve their connection with the believers.
Brilliant Video.
My ex has an extraordinary skill.
She lies and then when challenged she reframes the situation. If there's a flaw in the re-frame, she reframes again. This keeps happening until the reframe is undisprovable (still a lie, just can't prove it's a lie).
And she does it instantly. I can't think that fast, let alone make up any explanation that fast.
My sister does the same thing. I remember one time she was flirting with my boyfriend(now ex) saying we should visit her at the strip club she worked at. I was so appalled she would even suggest that. Years later I confronted her about it and she did exactly what you're saying. Like somehow it was my misunderstanding when it was clear as day.
They are fast liars!!!!
They need few seconds to concoct stupid answers or they don’t bother to answer becoming nasty.
My mother does something similar where she takes the subject and continues on a rant with examples and stories. It kind of makes sense when she brings up an example and builds on it into next topics and so on. In the end she can ask "well don't you agree that you shouldn't hit dogs?" while the first subject may have been something political she wanted me to agree to. So she wants me to agree by presenting something obvious I agree to. I always get SO confused because I don't agree to the first subject but I can't say "no" because that would mean I agree to dogs being hit. And if I say "yes" then she takes it like what she thinks is right because I agree. I haven't actually written it out like this although I journal, so I'm so glad I found this channel to help me spell it out. Literally 😄
MAYA ANGELO....ALWAYS SAID "ONCE A PERSON SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE...BELIEVE THEM!"
They do not believe their lies. They just care more about protecting themselves and their own reality than taking accountability for their actions or admitting wrong doing. Like Dr. Ramani stated, they are ruled by fear and they believe they should be able to do what they want and not be judged. They believe because they have to, but they do know they are doing wrong.
Well said .
N explained
It’s both. They both believe them and know they are wrong.
They are ready to destroy the relationships with their close ones, as it is currently the case with my narc non-brother. If one reaches that point, it means nothing can change / save them. Hopeless and utterly toxic individuals.
Sometimes about money, jealousy, can be punishment that you were closer to their parents than the narc sib.... God is witness to everything... Some relatives are toxic and have to be avoided and blocked especially after they've declared War on you. 😔😔😔
Good luck 🙏☮️✝️☯️🌼
That was a huge breakthrough for me. When I realized my husband truly believes what he says. It changes the dynamic. With a normal person you can call them out on lies. With a narcissist they believe their version of reality. Even in the face of video ‘proof’. Facts and evidence that don’t support THEIR reality simply get dismissed, discounted, and devalued.
'The lies are who they are'
Yes Dr. Ramani.......they do believe them and cursed be you to the netherworld for questioning their honesty and integrity.........at least that's my experience
My ex, when I confronted her lies just started gaslighting to deflect it. She was back to the same lies in a couple of days. It was like the confrontation never took place.
This sounds familiar.
this part
Yes they do! Thank you Dr. Ramani! My narcissist got everyone to believe I’m a drug addict and a alienator and kept our daughter from him.
But the therapist involved , the 730 and drug revealed that to not be the case but he still can’t believe the facts even in court documents.
It wouldn’t go well for him and his friends to know the truth they all look at him as the victim and have been horrible to me.
I’m only concerned about protecting the kids and being there for them.
As always thank you Dr. Ramani!
it is really sad with this estrangement. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren, because she lies, that I have once beaten her in her neck while giving a hug once to say godbye
Yep and Go Figure (some of us already knew but others thought we were "paranoid")
I think at the first they don't, but over time, they start to believe their lies. Even if they face the facts and evidences, they rather believe in their lie.
Exactly. Sometimes we underestimate just how powerful denial can be. The human mind really is capable of such delusional thinking. Narcissists are a prime example of this. They're the leaders of their own little mini cults, on which reality has no bearing, even when they know the truth deep down in there somewhere.
They justify their Lie's at your emotional expense
They justify just about everything...
They know their liars they just don't care and they know they can get away with it until you hold them accountable for their actions and confront them on it, I've seen them lie to get out of a lie, you can tell when they are lying, just listen to your intuition.👍 Dr RAMANI and survivors and thrivers 🙏
I've shown my ex video evidence and she still lied and denied.
Follow up questions really help to identify whether it’s a lie or not.
The mixed with fact is so so true. There’s always a half truth or incomplete information leading to assumptions - so they say they didn’t lie. They just left the door open to assumption.
when i first heard about narcisism i was trying to understand what lack of empathy is ,because my whole life i grew up with my parents presenting themselves as how awesome they are and good and kind. to realize that between hurting me deeply or being admired my father always chose the second with the lies and gaslighting.he would prefer to hurt me than loose admiration.although ironic because at the end what he was trying to avoid is how i perceive him .also that he saw me as his extension and he didn't care that we don't want the same thing nor feel the same.
all the narcissists i knew present themselves as good people so it is tricky to see where is the narcissism and really understand what lack of empathy means at first
My narcissistic ex recently spent about a half hour trying to claim he hadn't lied about something I'd caught him lying about, and also claimed he had "never" lied to me in the year we were together (completely untrue of course) and then at the end of his rant said, "But if I lied I would be really, really good at it". Interesting how someone who "never" lies could also be good at it.
Another interesting thing is that when I would first accuse him of a lie he wouldn't react with any surprise, as someone who hadn't lied would do. This might be something to watch for when you're not totally sure what's a lie and what isn't.
I feel like on some level they know they're lying because they realize they have to make up fake stories to explain what "really" happened.
They just live in a different reality where reality is whoever wins the argument, rather than reality being an objective thing that exists outside of them.
I'm not in anyway trying to say he didn't lie , but I'd like to think I'd be really good at lying if I wanted to and have said that in the past to my girlfriend, but I've never lied to my girlfriend , and she's never accused me of lying .
Also I actually take pride in the idea that I pretty much haven't lied in many years , in regards to using the word within the usage of intentionally trying to deceive someone , its part of my self image . So sometimes when I am accused of lying ( which actually happens alot because of my job ) I am sometimes triggered by it (especially when I'm sincerely trying to help someone and they tell me I'm lying ) and when I have been accused of lying in my personal life I can and have lashed out .
What I'm trying to say in my second paragraph is that there is no right way to behave under a certain circumstance, and to assume one reaction is more telling than another is stripping people away of how unique they actual are, although they are very similar
Its hurtful to be accused of lying when you haven't , makes sense to lash out
Also makes sense to not lash out and have no emotional stimulation
Depends on who is accusing you , and the details of the accusation and the relationship, current patience level exct...
@@M_SC excellent explanation
Thank you so much for all that you have taught me. I have been watching your videos daily for over a year and I am starting to see the benefits of practicing what you preach, Dr. R.
I had a really triggering thing happen this weekend, and instead of allowing it to derail me and send me into a 2 week long depression-rage spiral, I was able to talk to my inner child, identify my feelings about what happened, and take ownership for my actions that led to the event taking place, while not allowing myself to feel the blame for what the other person did, and without ruminating about the (admittedly unacceptable) actions of the other person. See? I'm no longer splitting!
Yes, I felt ashamed after the event was over. Acknowledging to myself that I was feeling ashamed immediately allowed me to mentally walk myself back to a stable mindset, not even 1 day after the event took place. I am starting to feel the inner peace.
Thank you Dr. R. I will follow your work until they day you retire. I hope that is a long ways off!
Can't stand it when he holds firm on a lie that we (him and I) both know are lies
“The lies are who they are” So true. During an argument, a formerly close narcissistic friend even tried telling me that you are essentially whatever you tell other people about yourself! 🤦🏼♀️
Along with this question, is it possible that narcissistic people rationalize lying with the belief that everyone lies as much as they do. That lying is a cultural convention.
I strongly believe this is true.
I'm up for that! Moron man thinks I'm out to financially get him (I'm not, I just beat him at his own game) but, for myself, I was very much able to rationalize his way of thinking.... He also accuses me of lying which never x my mind, he's bent I'm a nobody which he lives to regret!
They say this exactly
I think that they rationalize that everyone lies but i believe they are alert that some people don't like lie like them. Sometimes they try to mock this personality (or just telling everyone they are the most honest person) if they think it will get them something but the whole time keeping up with the lying.
Yes. I worked for a boss once who instructed me to basically commit fraud to get ahead financially. Her reasoning was "everyone does it". I told her well, I don't! And I didn't. Of course she found a reason to let me go and did me one of the biggest favors of my life. 😊
In my family they not only get away with it they turn it on others. Family who does not know the truth will believe the gaslighting. I went No Contact & now I am the "Drama Queen" & the discarded. So it goes...🤷🏼♀️
Merry Christmas to all & a better healthier New Year!✌️
I know what you mean. I've tried telling my sister and she thinks I'm exaggerating. She no longer will talk to me about what's going on in my life.
Thnx Dr Ramani!
Had this experience with my PhD advisor. He would lie and misrepresent and gaslight constantly to try and hide his own insecurities as a scientific researcher. Trying to hash things out was impossible as he would refuse to accept what was plainly true. I ultimately realized the only option was to go grey rock. I still have to communicate here and there but so looking forward to the day I never have to interact with him again.
Åh, Namrate, that is not easy, but go for YOUR VICTORY.
He lied on almost every level imaginable
These monsters are so evil they go around useing people to get what they can and suck the life out of you if you let them, that is why you MUST GO NO CONTACT forever 💯
When a narc gets called out for their lies, best line “ …up to 2 weeks I DONT remember anything’ 🤦🏻♀️ . It’s so disturbing, coward. THEN blames his debt 50k on the bank!!! Lies, lies, never take accountability!!!
Thank you for this video !!! ❤
When my spouse was lying to me about an affair, I said “look at me” and instantly knew I wasn’t taking the crap. End story
Called me a paranoid when I spoke about third party. Gave up on the relationship but did not share the truth which I deserved to know and was promised. Hoovered after 6 months and still lied , told me ‘ you know I don’t lie’ …..when I took off and lost my cool , Blocked me because does not want to answer and I am too much of work so has been discarded. I know I will always be denied, so prefer to be discarded then being lied to.
So be it. Thank you for sharing the video.
Thank you for making this video Dr Ramani.
I have always been curious about this question myself.
One thing that I have learned from watching your videos is, "talking to the narcissis about anything is like talking to a brick wall. You said it perfectly though when you talked about them not having empathy, or insight to connect the dots.
I feel that the narcissist is equalviant to a bratty child who throws a fit when you don't , give them candy.
Exactly. They’re never gonna stop.
Before watching the video, my answer is yes 💯. They even take the credit for other people's accomplishments. I thought at first they just want to make the victim angry, but no, they really believe they deserve all the credits for other people's work even though they never lifted a finger to help.
Go figure.
OK, now I'm going to watch the video to see if I was right.
100% correct. They let you do everything and then tell you how they would do it better. lol...
I think they lie out of expediency. I know my dad would say anything to get out of responsibility or if he was caught in an emotionally compromising position - he'd promise to lose weight with my brother, or he'd promise that he would make it to my next school concert, with absolutely NO intention of following through. He'd also lie about his childhood and his past, and he'd pile his narcissistic rage about the lie back on to YOU for questioning his story. Their fragile egos can't handle any pushback.
EXCELLENT...ABSOLUTELY. I listened to his lie about owning his own business for years until finally someone asked him a question that he couldn't answer. I could see the fear on his face on being found out it was memorable he couldn't back pedal fast enough. He was so used to telling that lie that I think he didn't judge this person right, normally he would have superiority and the people that he would brag too would usually never question him. Or they were just polite and didn't want to embarrass him because of me. After almost getting caught he stopped telling that lie.
He used that lie on me when we were first dating to make me think he was so accomplished, then when we got married and he started using it in social situations, and I knew more about him, I said why do you say that its not true? His excuse was its just easier to say that the shop was mine instead of that I just worked there. Excuses are only good for the narcissist to use if anyone else does it he gets all over them...he would come unglued if I or his daughters would use even a little tiny excuse for something, he would be so berating ... to the extent we used to have PTST whenever we attempted an excuse or even used the word.
He is smearing me all.over social media with a twisted story and I want to tell everyone my version of it
A different “reality” for each person and situation. I call it being a social chameleon.
A personality shape shifter, perhaps.
Yep, they compartmentalize their lives, until they collide.
They live in their heads , its the story
My ex husband is a pathological liar. He is very invested in his version of life! The divorce was a trip through hell!
"The lies are who they are". Powerful.
The narcissist doesn’t understand the concept of lying. The “victim” is always lying of course- in their mind. They never lie - in their mind. It’s just their truth.
The 'should be able to do what they want when they want' really made sense to me. Thanks for that, Dr. Ramani. The narc reminds me of a little kid trying to get their way...horrible to watch the narcs tantrums and you definitely can't call them out on any of their lies. Staying clear is the only option.