To a degree, but only because (at least in my case) the reaction to those talks is generally rage and tantrums, and indeed when the conversation did happen, that killed it.
Spot On!!!!!!! The reason women handle divorce better is because they mourned the loss of the marriage while she is in it. By the time she leaves, she’s over it.
@@atlanderwrites At firest I was depressed because our marriage had failed. But then I was happy. Less of my money wasted on crap. Less cleaning (because I didn't have to clean up behind him). No more super stupid arguments. "One less bell to answer; one less egg to fry. One less man to pick up after..." I feel that part of the song but not the part where she says "all I do is cry"
@@Test-vr3kf The moment I put down my bags at my parents' place after my ex asked for divorce, I could only sit and cry over the dream I lost. But in the end, I was finally free, and I felt like a single parent, instead of a married single parent.
Before I left my husband, I saw a therapist. I felt desperately unhappy. I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t blaming my husband for dissatisfaction with myself. The therapist pointed out that I was living in an emotional desert.
@laurelgardner with friends like yours, who needs enemies. All I see here are pathetic women looking for every reason to destroy thier families. Divorce courts is a great way to steal money after all.
“You’re teaching her to live without you” BINGO! And then, when he finally takes some time to be home, finally making time for the family, he wonders why nobody cares. He expected everyone to be thrilled with his very presence in the house! Instead, he finds everyone doing their own things, because they HAD to. Yes, in his absence, they learned how to live without him.
It feel like you were living with my ex. He taught me very well to not depend on him. I even told him that once. Now that I'm divorced, it's not much different other than I don't have the negotiate which projects get done and I don't get told what a horrible person I am every day. I also had a full time job and was supporting the family along with taking care of everything else.
So much of this can apply to other family relationships. My dad, basically alone after Mom died, because he hadn't made good relationships with his kids or grandkids, really. Hard finish for him.
@@angelaofalltrades I am in the same position. I am scared of him. If I give him my attention and care again, he will revert back to his old ways. I believe that he does not actually like me and just uses me to play his cat and mouse games. How do you manage when you are living under one roof?
@lzal9204 😆 hahaha ding-ding-ding! U R so RIGHT!! I used to have a running joke, "That was the best 180 pounds I EVER lost!" 25 years ago, and it's still true...😌
Remember guys, when you ask her what she needs, do not tell her that you don't believe she needs that, don't discount what she needs, don't mock what she needs, do not judge what she asks for, don't question or challenge her need for something, don't say you can do what she needs and not follow through, don't promise anything you don't intend to do.
This one. I've heard other guys saying she won't talk to me if I ask her how she's doing. Well, maybe that's what happens when you brushed her off when she tried to tell you for 5 years what she cares about.
My husband doesn't do anything I ask him to do in a timely manner. It takes him months or even years. It's been two and a half years since he said he will connect the ice maker to the fridge I paid for with the kit I paid for.
And don't tell her she's too sensitive or takes things too personally. Sensitivity in a wife's case is her feminine softness and gentleness - something to appreciate, rather than disparage. And how else is she supposed to take things, if not personally, particularly if you're disregarding her?
@@gingerhancock5446 Mine Is The 8th- 5 Years Younger Than The Last I Was First Born - we Actually Were Laughing About This Difference A Couple Of Weeks Ago I Had To Extricate myself From Being A Mother To A Grown Man Very Freeing 😊
I remember my sister-in-law asking me if I really wanted to be a single mother when I told her I wanted a divorce from my husband. I told her I was already a single mother.
I bet you got alimony and child support or you were on welfare. Virtually all women have a benefactor, it is either a boyfriend, husband or the government.
I told an older lady "I am married, but I am living like a single mother," and she quickly said "Oh don't say that!!" Ok. I don't have to say it, but that doesn't mean it's not true. I would say that I lasted 26 years in that marriage, but in reality, there was nothing left of me. I didn't last through it at all. I am having to rebuild literally everything inside me; not from the ground up but from a pit in the ground up.
Married 43 yrs, and yes, he's taught me how to live life without him. It's been a lonely life. I hope that many men take your message to heart - it would be marriage-changing! You are an inspiration! Thank you.
Like you I've been married 43 years. N I wish I felt comfortable sending this to my husband. I want so much for our relationship to just survive, let alone thrive. Maybe ill work up the courage to do it n have him listen to it while I'm there. Thank you for posting. Helps me know I'm not alone.
One of the smartest things my working husband did when I was a stay-at-home mom was be in charge of putting the kids to bed, including bedtime stories. It gave them his attention and it gave me a break near the end of the day. It wasn't the only thing he did for our marriage, but it was one of the best.
@jadecoolness101 my headcanon was that they actually thought better of what they were typing and tried to delete it and instead hit send 😅 Not what happened but eh..
I already started to gaslight myself into thinking that i don't need deep emotional connection, vulnerability etc., that it's not necessary for a relashionship bc my partner doesent treat it like such. Thank you for making me feeling validated and connected to myself again
Me too and I've let it turn me into someone I don't even recognise anymore - frankly I've started to believe that men who truly want an emotional connection doesn’t even exist
What would you do with it? Most women just weaponize it or demand performative emotions for their entertainment about childish garbage that women worship like drooling animals.
One of THE BEST videos on creating a healthy relationship/marriage I have seen! I was married to a narcissistic man/child for 25 years. I did all the work in the marriage and was the only one trying to save it. I told him many, many times: if you worked as little on your job as you do in this relationship- you'd be fired. One of the worst things in life- Is to be lonely in your marriage. I'm still healing...
Lonely in a relationship is such an awful feeling. I went through it too and still healing. Narcissists are so selfish. Mine took and took and took. But then gave to everyone else. Lonely in a relationship.
Maaaaan! Listen. I need to write all of my ex-girlfriends an apology letter. This healing journey is fantastic. Thanks for teaching me how to create better relationships. I am using these strategies with family and friends while I heal/prepare for my next romance.
So I wrote the apology letters. Sent a video. And boom, I learned to apologize and not feel like I’m sacrificing my whole life but instead recognizing the experience of her life. #Growth
100% prefection! From women everywhere, thank you for being man enough to admit you were wrong... hopefully, Jimmy's messages spread around the world like a love virus ❤️ there would be a lot fewer broken people out there
It's not just that your relationship deserves as much effort as your career. If you're the breadwinner and leaving all the household chores to your partner, whether they work or not, your partner is facilitating your career success. If you were to get divorced and get shared custody, and actually had to care for your kids half the time, you'd have a lot more work on your hands and your career would suffer somewhat. You're not successful in spite of your family, you are successful thanks to the load your partner is taking off your shoulders.
You'd think this would be so obvious... a divorce forces dad to do things he insists is "mom's" responsibility. Feed the kids, look after them, clean up after them (and after himself). Suddenly the wife's efforts become painfully obvious. And typically women can find a new partner more easily than men. It would help if children were raised to understand these things, even if it wasn't being demonstrated to them. We need a cultural shift. Divorce rates are sky high and many people remaining in marriages are unhappy. We need a culture shift BAD.
Excellent comment. It is great that people, some at least, are starting to wake up. Thank you for your comment. Hopefully, it will help someone somewhere, as it is packed with wisdom.
@@consciousobserver629the only thing I disagree with is that women can find a partner more easily. I think it’s the opposite way around. Men can more easily find a new partner and a new wife. It seems like divorced men can get remarried very quickly.
Thank you for mentioning PAST hurts also. When we as women “keep bringing up the past” or keep repeating the same things over and over, it’s because they haven’t been resolved. I have unresolved hurts in my marriage that are years old and they DO still matter because they still contribute to the hurt I’m feeling today. Thank you.
I think we as men have past hurts as well. Example when you are man with no kids and take on a woman with 3 kids and then she tells you more than once that she raises and doesn’t like any of my discipline that her and ex will do that. So i close down don’t care anymore.
I wish everyone who plans to marry would listen to this video. It was only after I left a 16 year marriage which contained numerous open, honest, loving (one-way) conversations about what I wanted for us, I finally left. He was shocked. He suddenly understood everything we had ever discussed. He “changed” overnight. Gentlemen, please understand that when anyone hits that point of apathy, it is usually too late. Unfortunately.
Yes and they can only reflect at that point and take the lessons learned into a new relationship. I’ve had to do that with my own shortcomings. It’s how we grow as humans and romantic partners
@@alexarihani2902 Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t the only one at fault. But, I could see that he didn’t care enough to work on it and young people need to know that you can’t take someone for granted for ever. We are here to learn and I’m sure we both did. This is an excellent video.
I read a depressing study that said men *know* their wives are unhappy but they think that it's a tolerable level of unhappy. That they've acclimated and won't leave. They don't care to fix it as long as she's sticking around.
I tried to tell my first husband this for years, even jumping up and down in front of him saying that things had to change. After 18 years of feeling like I was in the marriage all by myself, I left. He was totally surprised! He actually said, "You have my attention now." Too late. At that point, I couldn't stand the sight of him. I still can't and it's been 32 years since the divorce.
I feel like this been married and together 30 years stay at home mom done trying to get out he's a narcissistic on top of that and controlling loves to verbal abuse done with his ways pray God helps me get out
At one point I told my husband that I thought I was having a heart attack. He suggested that I take his car to emergency. I said you have to drive me. He dropped me off at emergency. I left him somewhat later. I am so happy on my own.
I’m not married, hell I don’t even have a romantic relationship but I still binge his content. I apply it to other relationships with people, my parents to make sure they know how much I appreciate them for all they have done and continue to do. With my friends to let them know that I do care for them in my own way. All in all, this guy is really helpful.
With an enlightened attitude like that, I think you will be a great romantic partner for someone, someday, if you choose to enter into such a relationship. I hope you find a special someone, if that's what you want. 😊
You can't complain that your wife nags you AND that you dont know what she wants. A "nag" is her telling you explicitly what she wants. And when you dismiss it as just her nagging, that means you dont care enough to listen to what she's saying.
In abuse recovery communities, we call these "missing missing reasons". Where an abuser claims that they have no idea what they did wrong, while also noting that they're constantly told what they're doing wrong.
Been married for five years and I realise that I have been doing a terrible job as a husband. It's difficult enough commenting about this in public because it's the first time I am coming out about this. I love my wife and I want to save my marriage. I need help but I need to help myself. God give me the strength. Thank you for your video. Hard truths. Needed truths.
You got this!! It’s not about being perfect or doing the perfect thing. It’s about showing how much you care and showing that you try without expecting to be patted on the head for it. Your wife will notice a change of heart ❤️
@@frederiken6804 Thank you for this. She has been pulling the weight for years and she's really tired and we are in a tight space financially and spatially (had to move in with mom in law because of finances) so that adds an extra strain. I'm proactively investing in our marriage one day at a time and I pray that this works. Thanks for your words of courage 🙏🏾
From someone 17 yrs married ending it due to what this video is saying (and more), you can still turn it around at this point! Knowing is half the battle. Be up front and honest about you realizing this and say it to your wife. Then truly commit to being present and invested in your wife’s daily life. She’s not a side project. Drive by check ins won’t work for long either. 😊 Be attentive to her needs and enjoy her as your best friend. Plan, work, have fun and laugh with her. Live your life with her. Everything else should be secondary. You can do it! ❤❤❤
As a 70 year old woman, you nailed this. I’m so happy that you have that many subscribers because there’s a great deal of men who need to hear this. For too long women have been blamed for being too demanding; when all they want is a healthy relationship that two people contribute to. May your channel continue to grow. Much appreciation, love and blessings to you and your family ❤
Modern women are leaving their husband's in droves. They cannot stay commited.. look at the divorce rates and you will see women are the ones doing most of the filing. Men are being the same as they always have been, but it's women that are changing and not for the better.
@@Annie-uz3ye Tou are correct! Thank You for taking the time to send the message. I have trouble with my eyesight and my Granddaughter typed it for me. I wanted her to type “I am a 70 year old woman and from my perspective you nailed this.” Lesson learned. Much blessings to you and your family.
it seems like these days women want a healthy relationship as their top goal, and for men, that is a top 15 goal, men are valuing their career and well-being over their partners, i hope more women can focus on themselves more and take care of themselves, it's okay to be selfish.
@@KnicksNYanks84 I agree with everything you said, except the last line. Most of the women I know pour themselves out for others, neglecting themselves, which leads to burnout or worse. We NEED to take time to care for ourselves, it's called self-care. if others call it selfish, that's their problem.
Yep, same. 17 years worth of feeling unheard and unwilling to go to counseling. I've finally learned he'll never change because he just doesn't care. It's helped me let go and just live my life without him. Pretty crappy roommates is what we are.
Same with my mom. She became self-sufficient when I was just a teen. Other than the income, she basically did everything on her own - including raising 2 boys. When my dad died she didn't really have any issues with anything - finances, home maintenance, taxes, taking care of herself, etc. Basically just another day. So basically she had a part-time roommate for many decades who taught her how to be independent.
@@kimberlyv5846this is my life now, 18 years together and we were struggling already. Now I find out at 37 I have a rare blood cancer he's gotten even worse (if that was even possible). I've always been sick with health issues but he's just isolating and being mean.
@kimberlyv5846 oh no! It's been 7 years for me and I am not willing to go on like this anymore. From day #1, he's captured me like a spider in a net. He's from Canada. I'm from WA State and I left everything behind and got married. Next morning, I woke up in bed hearing him talk in the kitchen saying, "Your going back to WA (after my house was gone) and we are getting a divorce" There's never been any romance or love. I've been exhausted trying to help him. Well, no more! I'm done. It's time for me. He's overkill in EVERYTHING he does, especially with his emotions. Dear God!! That's daily. So, I helped him by getting him some help, finding out he's on the Autism spectrum. That got him $25,000 from the gov. Did he really thank me for that? No. Trying to figure him out all these years and all the abuse and cycles. One day with him is too long. It's pure insanity and other people don't get it. He's got RAD I believe. Reactive attachment disorder. So, he will NOT attach or connect. Daily, he only talks about his brain, a min of one hour, his job, and cars. He's also had some brain damage. Disrespect, walks all over boundaries and constantly protects himself and lies about me to others and puts on a great show where others actually believe him. Unbelievable!!!!! A Narcissistic to the core. Not just any... he's extreme. He got married just to not be alone. For him. So, we don't have sex but maybe 4 times a year. Something terribly wrong wrong wrong with this picture!! My organs were failing at one point and now I've got high blood pressure. Put on weight. So, I feel captured and violated. I also ended up getting herpes and of course, that wasn't his fault! When he's had prostitute issues. Hmm??? So, he lied about so much before I married him. I feel like it's been the biggest violation I'm so done and desire to be back to good mental health. Why don't you do the same?
"Good people can still make bad spouses." Yup yup! "Saying "I do" doesn't mean "you can" it just means "you intend to" ... and intentions mean jack without follow through." Excellently stated! Thank you for your open honesty. Much appreciated.
Now do a video on what women need to do to make a marriage run, I get so sick of people like you always putting it on men. God made men the head of the household and its the responsibility of the woman to conform to the man. Quit enabling women to be trash.
This is totally doable men. My husband runs three companies, travels for work and often works 18 hour days, seven days a week. He still finds time for me, he still listens and asks the important questions and loves me like I want to be loved. I feel heard, supported and cared for. Being busy is no excuse to not be committed to your marriage. This is great advice. Continue sharing this content Jimmy!!
Wow you’re incredibly lucky and your “man” is an anomaly- Society has drilled it into most Mens heads to not show or have emotions-(except anger) Unfortunately they’ve drank the cool aid without thinking it through. - but who takes the brunt? Usually women and children. 🤷🏼♀️
@@megganhusby600 That might be a direct question to ask a spouse as each person needs different things. Have you two talked about love languages? Does she want gifts, compliments, acts of service, etc to feel or give the love?
I told my husband I need more quality time and I see my husband trying more and I have to tell him how much I appreciate him just trying. He works hard hours, but he still makes time for me. I’m grateful for him
when I did that, I heard nothing - even more nagging - even though I literally wash, clean and cook. So I said fuck that. She gets zero of my time now.
And remember... it's not "helping" with the household chores. It's your house too, so you have equal responsibility. Also, fathers don't "babysit" their kids. They are equal parents.
With such an outlook, I hope you believe in equal financial responsibilities and handiwork around the house as well. Please keep up that same energy with the checkbook and manual labor. 👍
Let me guess only men need the class huh. Can she honestly say she does any of the stuff he saying. 9 x out of 10 she isn’t. Literally everything he brought up, it’s likely the woman isn’t doing either.
@@BigHeartNoBS I'm sure there are good ones. It would be great if they were everywhere and easy to find. That's the business to be in if someone has the insight and skill.
This is exactly what happened to my marriage. And then he acted shocked when I left, like he was blindsided even after all the attempts to get him involved in the relationship. I was never prioritized and I got so tired of it. I’m much happier alone!
See this is the topic no one even talks about to prepare folks for marriage but that is so astounding to hear so many have gone through. Took me so long to sort out that this was happening to me AND it was a legitimate reason to leave the marriage! Smh 🤦🏾♀️
@@AdventurousDana But how many people, in love enough to be getting married, would be open to even thinking that the relationship might go bad enough to be heading for divorce. It's not something that is in your head, never mind planning how to cope with it falling apart. If you have doubts like that before you marry, save your money and keep looking!!😉
@@pegsbarton6353relationships take effort and work. If you neglect your partner long enough she will want to leave...even if she doesnt actually peace mentally shes gone.
How'd you try and get him involved? Did you have meaningful conversations with him or did you not talk, let resentment build, stopped having sex with him, started looking for your replacement for 6 months while he continued on like things were okay?
This kind of hit me in the heart a little bit. I love my husband, but he's kind of absent in the marriage. He works hard at work, but he works 4 days per week. I am a security guard that works third shift 5 nights per week (sometimes more). I have to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, the laundry, and recently all of the yard work too. Meanwhile, he just drinks and plays computer games on his days off. He disturbs my sleep on his days off because he wants attention, when he knows full well that I need to rest for my shift that night. He doesn't want to listen when I talk to him. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem because I haven't been in the mood for sex for months, but maybe my feelings are valid.
Don't give up on yourself and your happiness. Write out how you feel until you feel clear and take some kind of action- like telling him exactly how you feel and what you want from a partner and what you want to achieve together. I understand how you feel. If he doesn't have the same vision, might be time to move on without him. Stay calm and just speak it like it is. Avoid name calling or yelling. Focus on "I" statements. Prayers friend 🙏🌈
You might try counseling, but only with a counselor who listens to your side as well as his. Otherwise you might find one that sides with him and blames you for all the problems.
Had a husband who often worked out of town. One time he came home and I was waiting with his favorite dinner cooked and ready, my hair nice, pretty skirt on, his favorite beer cold...I put both plates on the table, popped open his beer and sat down, asked him how things were going. He took the beer, said his buddies were waiting for him at the bar, and left. I put my plate away, gave his to the dog, and proceeded to drink beer on the back step til way past dark. When I left a year later he was shocked! Stunned! I missed the dog and cats badly, since they'd been my only company. I managed to move one cat into my small apartment. I didn't miss the so-called husband anymore. This video is spot on.
This is why I don't trust flirting in the early stages of getting to know someone. They show fake interest to get what they want, but it isn't about you. He could and likely does talk that way to other women until one bites, and then he'll focus on her. Fast forward, you become a girlfriend, fiancé, and then wife, but you were never friends and he never actually loved YOU; he just loved the first woman who said yes.
@@llIlIlllII Nah. From what she's written here, she was not assertive in telling him she wants him to be more proactively attentive to her. And she may be leaving out other details such as how passive aggressively she treats him on other nights, causing him not to want show affection on the nights she does pleasant things like this because of his distrust of her passive aggressiveness on other nights.
@@EriPages preparing all that stuff is imo a pretty clear sign that you want someone to stay and even though there could've indeed been other factors at play, I think it's a bit far fetched here, if she's really passive aggressive or whatever to him usually why the sudden urge to do something nice for him? And something so effort intense too?
@EriPages 1. Please don't call me honey, that is kinda condescending when you're speaking to a stranger. 2. It certainly is on the higher end of things you can do on a random night where he just returned from a trip. What else should she do that is more effort and fits the situation in your opinion? She was conciderate enough to even think of doing it, went to the store, bought the ingredients, cooked the dish (depending on what it is prob medium to high effort), decorated the table nicely, picked out an outfit she thought he would like to see on her and considering that it was something rather "sexy" she was probably planning on transitioning to physical intimacy later on. When he arrived she brought him his favourite beer and he proceeded to not tough the food specifically cooked for him and completely ignoring the thought and preperation gone into this gesture. Possible tensions aside that is just disrespectful.
Thank you Jimmy! You are a Godsent! My wife just sent me the link to your videos and I subscribed. I am on my third marriage, we have been married for 25 years. I lost the best job I've ever had about 3 months ago, but my relationship at home has been getting so much better because I've been putting more time into things, being I'm home. I agree with you 100% on everything that you have said in this video! People that say your criticizing and putting men down don't get it, and they're headed for disaster! I have hit that in two failed marriages in my life. I am 61 years old and I completely agree with you! I am going to continue to work on my marriage so that it grows better and better. Thank you thank you thank you!
People say he is "putting men down"? That's incredibly immature. He is a man. He's talking to men in this video (although the advice applies to EVERYONE!)!
I’m so happy to hear this for you and your wife and family. So many people won’t take responsibility for their actions and then feel like the victim when their family finally cuts them out. you are one of the ones that’s not breaking your family’s heart over and over and that saves you a broken heart at the same time. 💕💕💕 I hope more partners stop and listen.
As a woman, I just want to say MOST OF US ARE WORKING TOO! So, you may think you're "providing for the family" but so am I, exactly how you are, THEN I come home, do the dishes, take care of kids, pets, household etc ON TOP of "putting a roof over ALL our heads" when do I get time to play on my phone? Call my friends? etc.? And on top top of that I'm suppose to thank you for "going to work"? Okay, well if you play the game of "I'm a bachelor living with known roommates" and I'm playing "Single mom" guess what? You pay alimony and child support and I get to move on with my life.
Yep exactly. If we have to be working moms, that means we have two full time jobs, where one we have to complete within a 4 hour timeframe every weekday
I am a therapist who often works with couples dealing with all of the things you mentioned here. it is SO IMPORTANT for men to hear these things from other men. In sessions, many male clients in heterosexual relationships think I am just “taking her side” when I say the exact same words you say. Usually this is something we can work through. But this step is often avoided when men hear these things from other men. Way to break the toxic masculinity cycle!
"Male clients" "heterosexual" "muh toxic masculinity" yeah, all the buzzwords. you're definitely an activist woke therapist whose mission in life is to use your title to destroy as many families as you can. What color is your hair freak?
There are also men (and women) out there that show up for counseling with their halo on and while the spouse is spilling their guts the wonderful spouse is taking notes to use on you when you get home.
If my husband asked me some of those questions, I would break out crying. Yeah I’m married, but yeah I’m also alone. By him refusing to participate in “our” life together, I’ve had to drop the “our” and start considering everything in terms of just “my” life, which is so sad because I have so much to give, it’s just not accepted because he doesn’t want to reciprocate. Men really stab their their usefulness in the ribs because they refuse to have freaking conversation. 🙄
I'm in the same situation. Completely alone. I sleep alone, eat dinner alone, vacation alone, spend all holidays alone. Im.tired of being the one everyone feels sorry for.
The most important thing to remember I think is that a lot of women work a 40+ hour work week and are still expected to pick up all the emotional and household labor on top of it now. Of course if you're a sahm then you might not even necessarily need your husband to do the dishes or fold laundry but being appreciated goes a looooooong way... honestly though, I feel like the breadmaker argument doesn't even hold up well anymore, cause a lot of men couldn't pay the bills without their wife's help.
There is a growing trend of SAHMs who also homeschool. So, that in it self is an entire job. So, helping around the house really helps when you are juggling so many responsibilities. Most women dont do well overloaded with responsibilities. Type A people are rare. Wish I was one of them, but I am not. I have limits and balls get dropped when I am expected take on all the house responsibilities and maintenance, kids, errands, bills, holidays and events, finances, his schedule, fixing things, cook and clean up. This is only a small bit of what we deal with weekly. Going to work and making the money is important but it is one large part of the puzzle. You shouldnt take all the balls but men can definitely take som interest and pick up some of these to help their family and marriage.
And people wonder why I don't want or have children. I KNOW I'd be the one raising them along with everything else I already do. Guys especially: aww, kids are great! Me: we don't have enough time to go thru all the nuances that would lead me to be giving up my hopes and dreams instead of him to raise them because I make more $ working less hours so out of the two of us, it would fall completely on me if I wanted a kid. The one thing my mother taught me, unintentionally, is that I NEVER want to be a single mom. I'm just not that person and that's okay.
I am so grateful for having had my late husband in my life. He encouraged me to go back to college, we were both working, and had to have opposing schedules to be there for our young children because we couldn't afford to pay for childcare. There was one semester we saw each other a grand total of 4-5 hours each week. We would call each other during our commutes to update each other on things around the house or just to talk. We had 25 years together before a sudden heart attack took him out of my life. I miss him so much.
I’m so sorry to hear that he’s no longer with you, but it pleases my heart to know that when he was here the two of you made the best out of it and never lost sight of what’s so very important; your children and each other. Please take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I'm 20 years into my second marriage and halfway out the door for exactly the same reasons. I've spent years trying to get him to see how only prioritising his work, himself, etc is killing any affection I had for him. Twenty years and he's never even suggested a day out together.
All the divorced friends I have decided WAYYYYY before she actually told him they were done. They also warned them SO many times, for years, about the damage of the behaviors (drinking every night, cheating/borderline cheating, major health neglect, not giving affection/initimacy, financial abuse, and even verbal abuse or worse.) I did the same in the two major relationships before I dated to find a real partner (my husband.) Warned like crazy, then all shock and weeping when I said guess what we are DONE. It gets to the point you just laugh about it and wonder what part of "if this doesn't change, I need to MAKE a change" they didn't understand. Women can do wrong as well, but I can only speak from my POV as a woman.
Wow, this video found me at an eerie time of my life. Been with my fiance for four years, we've been excitedly planning our wedding, but lately things have been rough. I suspect I have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (the symptoms are uncomfortably relatable), and when she brings up a concern it snaps me into a sense of victimhood, paranoia, fear of abandonment, and anger. And lately with that paranoia I've been misreading what she says to me as something else. We talked about breaking it off instead of getting married. Last night I finally broke down sobbing as I realized what I've said and done is what has hurt her and hurt us. I've been too tired after work to always support her. I've been selfish and listening to self-preservation warning signs instead of just communicating with her. I've tried to fix her problems instead of just listening to her. This video is further cementing the ache I feel for all the hurt I've caused her lately and helped reignite my passion to do what's right and be there for her. I genuinely love her and my actions haven't been reflecting that as well as I'd like or as well as I thought they were. I'm thankful to report she's giving me a chance to redeem myself. And I think we've caught it before the eleventh hour. I'm going to search for a therapist to process my emotional wounds so that I stop leaking all over her. She deserves the best husband.
Don’t have to guilt trip yourself too. Just be glad that the unconscious has presented itself and now you are aware of those dysfunctional patterns. It’s great that you are working it out.
30 yrs marriage to someone with bpd and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Get the therapy. COMMUNICATE with your fiance/wife. Don’t give up on her and she won’t give up on you. I hope the best for you sir.
I quit doing all of the emotional labor (asking him about his day, feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, initiating physical connection, etc…) in order to feel connected and after about 6 months I asked him if he noticed. He said that he noticed something was different and was relieved! That told me all that I needed to know. Women leave the relationship emotionally before we leave physically. Men are often emotionally disconnected so they can’t feel her withdrawing which is why they are surprised when she leaves.
Wow.....divorced 20 years ago after 21 years of marriage. I was so lonely the entire time. All I wanted was for my husband to want to spend time with me, to talk to me, to put effort into creating an opportunity for us to have special time together. Instead I learned to do EVERYTHING by myself. I learned that I could only depend on myself. I could only depend on myself to take care of our children...and figure out all growing pains for my daughters. When i asked for his participation....telling him everything is more fun when he is engaged ..or saying I cant do all this alone, and work 40 a week....his response was his contribution was his paycheck which was a third more than mine. He was a good man, but not a good husband.
When my husband and I were engaged, he traveled a lot for work. He wanted to be a good husband so asked me how frequently it was ok for him to travel for work (he had control over this). I replied, “Anything is fine. But if you’re not around, I will just learn to live my life in a way that I don’t depend on you.” It was just matter of fact, not a threat. My dad traveled a lot so I knew how it went. My husband didn’t want that to be our dynamic so he cut his work travel in half.❤
So you wanted him to support you but won't do the same for him? You being happy is actively hurting your partners future and hapiness? It has to be both ways that is what I missing here. You want men to go out of your way and put everything aside for your happiness but when he checks in with you he gets the cold shoulder. Do what I want or you lose me. Do you see the problem? give and take
@@stinkiaapje it wasn’t a matter of my happiness. My communication wasn’t that I would only be happy if he traveled less. I only said that if he were gone I wouldn’t emotionally depend on him. How can you depend on someone who isn’t there. I’m fine being independent. My mom was neglectful and my stepdad was hands off and so I hadn’t depended on anyone for most of my life and I was ok. I just thought it an important factor to consider when discussing travel for work that was within his control. Fast forward 15 years and we are in a happy marriage with four kids. We love and support each other. When the children were smaller, he limited his work travel to what he determined fair and I agreed. He travels more now but we have also agreed that that was a good arrangement for our current family dynamics. One final thing I’d like to share is that support for each other isn’t just a financial choice. We support each other emotionally as well. In fact, my husband is much more in touch with his emotional needs and actually wanted my feedback about traveling for work.
In my marriage these roles were reversed. Due to an auto accident, and twelve years later, an on the job injury, I was disabled. I have always been the cook, but I became the "house-husband ". I can relate totally with your wife's perspective. When I tried to get my wife to understand, I became angrier and angrier because my pleas fell on deaf ears. When I reached my breaking point, in desperation, I told her " your making me not love you anymore. Her response was to move out and blame me and my anger. Sad ending to a twenty-three year marriage.
It's hard to be told your wrong and need to change. We as people need to be ok hearing that or criticism without it breaking down who we have built ourselves up to be. Doesn't mean that person hates us, they just need some changes. I'm the first to admit this fault or that of mine but it can be all hard to hear others say something I did was wrong. And apologizing is hard. But working on solutions together is the key. I also want to blame media, Hollywood, books whatever for us ladies thinking he should just know what I need or want without me asking! That's not fair either, but I'm just as guilty of it. Expecting the guy to always surprise you with the perfect gift, jewelry, trip, present, etc. Another thing I'm learning as a SAHM, to see the value out appreciate the work I do myself, not wait for praise from others, cuz then it's so easy to give up when I don't get acknowledged. But the reverse of that which is reality is in not constantly criticized for when I don't get things done and I've stopped myself feeling guilty when my spouse ends up washing the dishes or vacuuming as of crap I didn't do my job. I'm like not it's all stuff to be done and I do attaching guilt to that.
A man's value is determined by his ability to provide and other utility aspects. That accident hindered that therefore she saw you as lower value then decided to leave for greener pastures.
@@origamikiddo2625 I’m fortunate I didn’t grow up with the “mind reader” mindset. I grew up on the receiving end of the “mind reader” mindset and now I actively push against that mindset, to the point I firmly believe in “my common sense is not your common sense, so don’t expect me to have the same expectations and knowledge as you”.
@@seanb6478LOL no. The woman didn't leave. She abused someone and constantly belittled them. Them gave them the ultimatum of either suck it up or leave. That's not a woman understanding her options. That's just a bully
Guys, listen to his advice. I’ve been married 18 years. I’ve done all the things. And if anything, I needed HER help with the chores. And then it happened. Started my own company and then let my customers dictate my schedule. It wasn’t that I was gone all the time, it was WHO I was when I was home. Frustrated, angry and preoccupied. Almost lost her. That lasted 4 years and I’ve been working to recover for the last 3. God and counseling sessions are starting to work.
It's good to see that you are able to reflect and have some self-awareness. So many men cannot do that, so I give you credit. I hope you guys are able to work things out and that you make your way to a happier future.
This made me cry... Sadly I was married to an abusive narcissist, which left me with complex PTSD. I just wish he could have been the man you talked about... that would have been so healing for me. Even after 23 years on my own I now have hope that one day there will be someone better, who will treat me the way God intended me to be treated and valued. Thank you for showing me there are good men out there who do see and hear and want to be husbands who selflessly love their wives in the way God intended them to, so we can love them with all the love God has given us... ❤
And many wives don't want a husband, they want a father. But that's not what a husband needs - yet another child - that on top never gives her husband physical affection
Wow, I just found your channel now. I am shocked to hear a man giving men the correct advice to have a healthy, happy connected marriage relationship. Women get married, because we want the relationship (and the sex), but most men deprive their wives of the relationship. This is why cheating and divorce takes place. Women hate being ignored and forgotten. Men need to nurture their marriage relationship first. This is what women do. Women are actually not nagging their husband. Husbands ignore their wife. Women want the RELATIONSHIP first. Men please listen to this man. I subscribed!
Sooooo true. I've been married and divorced three times and they all ended because I couldn't take the loneliness anymore sitting in a room with someone who wouldn't talk. Couldn't even ask about my day. Acting bewildered when I'm grumpy for lack of affection. Clueless men who would walk through fire for their woman but can't even show non sexual interest for 30 minutes. Thank you for saying all this and I hope men will listen
@@Andrew-ig5spI would always try to initiate affection with my ex. But he would always turn it sexual. Then I was the mean bitch for rejecting his sexual advances. We’re talking about non-sexual affection here. Many men can’t do it
Sounds like you didn't communicate directly with him or any of the others. Men aren't mind readers. Heaven forbid they found you physically attractive. You can't make this stuff up.
@@Andrew-ig5sphilarious that you think that will fix men like this! Men who neglect their wives do so because something is wrong inside of them. I can give affection all day but I still won’t get asked about my day, help with the kids, help with cooking/cleaning, and time. We are talking about men who don’t understand how to be present. It usually stems from childhood crap that they don’t want to deal with.
I burst into tears... you get it. I tried talking about this...I was slammed with anger and disrespect. I am single now and still picking up the pieces.
The more therapy and therapist content I consume, the more I’m realizing how bad my past relationships really were and how much I let slide and just swallowed my feelings about. I always blamed myself for my relationships failing, but in reality I just attracted zero-effort people. Now I’m happier than I’ve ever been, not just because of therapy but also because my partner is in therapy and he is emotionally intelligent and communicates and puts in EFFORT. I think everyone needs to have this kind of wake-up call at some point in their lives.
The more you're willing to give, the more parasites will attach themselves to you. You want someone who returns the same effort, and get someone who drains you dry instead and thinks they deserve it because they're sooo amazing, all they have to do is exist. They never seem to notice you wilting from lack of care, and then the contempt for them creeps in when they whine about you not wanting sex with them, and act as if its an act of violence against them, rather than just that you don't like them anymore. They think you're sexless. But you're just over being used as a maid and fleshlight. I hope things change. Until then, I recommend that women don't get married or have kids, and certainly never allow a man to support them, given how many men seem to feel doing a basic job entitles them to 24/7 room service.
This resonated so much. He's literally watching me drown with work, kids, cleaning, etc. But still wants me to have time and energy for him...I don't have energy for me, my dude. Saying I love you and how pretty I am doesn't wash the dishes, clean the floors, take care of sick kids, etc.
A lot of men are entitled and think their presence alone is a gift to us, that their words are enough and we should be grateful we get any attention. It's an ego complex they struggle stepping down from.
"She's already lost everything", this line broke my soul😫, 🙏🏾thank you for addressing that.😔 To go from having family, happiness, peace, friends, a job and independence, to neglect, fancial and emotional abuse, is one of the worst experience in life 😢
I remember saying to my significant other. "What role do you play in this relationship? I feel like I'm always apologizing and, statistically speaking, it can't always be my fault."
Thank you so much for sharing this information! I sent a link to it 2 days ago and my husband watched it several times today and told me he finally understands what I’ve been trying to tell him for years. He cried and apologized to me. I had begun plans to divorce him. Now I’ll stick around for a little while longer. Fingers crossed he truly gets it and doesn’t back slide into old habits.
@kathyjulian. I hope he follows through and is not just trying to manipulate you into staying and then just continue as usual. I would sit him down and tell him I was already at the end and have no more time to waste. Does he seriously believe he can commit to growth and change 4 a better relationship? Then we can agree to put some actionable plans in place for 90-180days namely : individual therapy, joint counseling, scheduled dates to address unresolved issues, sharing of chores, etc. Without any structured approach, things tend to return to status quo. You don't want to be the one pushing the change. Let him show that your presence is valuable, otherwise, keep moving and let him come back, if you are still available, after he has done the work. In my experience, he played on my empathy and hope but never put in the work. After 17 yrs, I finally accepted that my continued tolerance did not motivate him to change and I was wasting my life and must move on to redeem what I have left. Yes, he was dedicated to his agenda and wiped my savings in the period. My point is I should have trusted my instincts and left in the 3rd month /year. Don't stay 4 him to change. Let go. It is up to him to prove he is serious and change. Then you can start again. Happier on my own now. ❤
@@nathantupe9018Perhaps, but some men are unconsciously dismissive of women when they speak and can only hear what they're saying if it comes out of a man's mouth. My ex was like that. I can recall instances when it just didn't compute if I, his mum or his sister said something to him. It's only when my brother in law said the same thing that he would take it seriously. It was very frustrating.
“I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what she wants…” Try ASKING, and when she answers, LISTEN WITHOUT BEING DEFENSIVE. Take her answer as an ANSWER, not a “riddle,” and you will likely succeed in getting things figured out. For 32 years I tried to get my husband to understand this. 😢
I promise you, he understood. He didn't CARE. I had to accept this too. The moment I left him, he suddenly 'understood' and was aware and intelligent. It was A HUGE LIGHTBULB moment for me. It was like a thump - OMG, he understood this whole time. Never go back. They only want to fix it for them, not you.
Yup, I had someone say they didn’t know what I wanted from them, all I do is complain about stuff they’re not doing… Well when I was “complaining “ that was me telling you what I wanted,
50 Hour work week! I'll take it! Lol. No everything you said is 1000% correct.. I acted like my wife owed me something for paying the bills. I neglected the core foundation of a relationship.. treating here as a equal as my life partner. Looking back I made many mistakes most of the things you said. Thanks for saying what every husband needs to hear.
As the wife of this type of husband, I felt obligated to prostitute myself in gratitude for his working 20 hours a day to pay the bills. There was no relationship. I barely ever saw him awake. since he'd come home after I was in bed for dinner, sex, and sleep, and then get up before I did to go back to work. I waited for years for him to have time to spend with me. No more. He's retired now, and his new wife gets to go on cruises with him.
Dude, God is pleased with you! Self awareness, emotional inteligence, mutual respect, unintentional neglect..........i never heard a man talk like this❤ may you be blessed forever!!
All of this is spot on. My marriage has failed because of this. I've sent him lots of similar videos, gotten books for us to read together, asked for marriage counseling. As wonderful as this video is, I'm not going to send it to my husband. Because I'm just too tired to care anymore. I told him straight out that our marriage has broken my heart and spirit, but he didn't believe me and just kept saying that HE needed ME.
and i bet he's being 100% honest. he DOES need you. because you're the one doing all the work. but that's not fair, and the question you should be asking yourself is what do YOU need? a break, freedom, to unburden yourself of someone who is all talk, says they care, but does absolutely nothing to show they do? sometimes, the best thing is to walk away from a sinking ship before you end up drowning. don't let yourself get caught in the trap of staying, only to lose yourself entirely to the resentment and frustration. you're worth more than that
Hi! I believe in you. I'ts really hard and painfull. But try one last time. First pray to the Lord seeking His advice and help. And then, share this video to your husband. May the Lord bless you.
He needs you because you do the things he doesn't want to do that he would have to do if you left. Maybe you should ask him why only what he wants matters and takes precedence over your own needs.
My ex-husband liked the title but not the work that needs to be put in for it to survive. You can’t procrastinate a relationship constantly & expect it to survive.
It's not procrastinating. We just have our own sense of time and priorities. If I tell a woman I'll do something, then I'll do it. She doesn't need to keep reminding me every six months.
@@mikey92362 Is this a joke? Did you even watch the video? Better yet - men need to understand women have their own time and priorities. If she ever said she wanted to have s*x with you, she will get to it in her own time. You don't have to keep nagging her every six months.
An easy checklist, for either partner in the relationship: 1) Have you told your spouse today that you love them? 2) Have you asked them at least one question about how their day went or something that happened today? 3) Have you done at least one chore that contributes to the household without being asked today? 4) Have you expressed appreciation to your spouse for a chore they completed or something they did today? It's not the be all, end all, but it's a really good start.
Except saying you love someone because you think you should, rather than you can't help but tell them how much they mean to you. If I got a daily trot out 'I love you' I'd feel he was ticking boxes. If he makes a drink for me, or says, no you sit down, I'll do that..then he's showing me love and caring.means as much as words. And yes chaps, I can see eyes will roll, and you think we'll never be satisfied, but to show you care and think about your partner is as good if not better than words imo.
@@pegsbarton6353you're right. It does sound like you'll never be satisfied😂. Jk On a more serious note, I find that women have trouble with explicit communication (i.e "honey I'd like you to do this for me") and men have trouble understanding the hints women drop. This leaves both parties quite frustrated, and it why you have situations where a woman is completely dissatisfied with her marriage but the man thinks everything's okay
Thank you! I have been doing this. Blamed my wife for my unhappiness. I’ve hurt her so many times. I’ve never known what real emotional closeness looked like. Trying to figure this out. I love her like crazy and I really want to be a better husband. Thanks for sharing.
As a woman I cringe listening to this because I know it will hurt men and I don’t want to hurt them in talking about this with them… but maaann, when I try to relay this exact same message I am met with defensiveness and being accused of blaming. I’m just wanting an active participant that we can tackle stuff with and make our relationship great again. I swallow this same stuff myself and try to implement it but there’s nothing that kills a relationship faster than feeling dismissed and ignored. My life is on hold because we are not working together… kids, home, future is starting to disappear and the stagnation is starting to push me in another direction solo. I’m sad but after putting a lot of time, energy and effort into the relationship I need to get back to investing in myself.
I feel you. Had the same thing... So I left. I'd rather be lonely by myself and not have to deal with him. I've been single for 7 years now. He died last April. Having married several more times since our divorce... My only regret is ever taking up with men in the first place. My life would have been 💯 if I'd stayed single and abstinent. ❤❤❤ Biggest lesson ever, is you don't need anyone other than one great friend to drive you home after a colonoscopy!!😂😂
Finally! A guy NOT blaming women for problems in the marriage. And actually telling men to man-up, take responsibility, and stop playing the victim. Thank you, sir. I pray that men will hear this and have the guts to change.❤❤
This false one sided narrative is plan MISANDRY. Marriage takes two. 2️⃣ Women are just as responsible for the dysfunction they co-create with their spouse. The image of the wife doing everything and being the only one contributing while the man is hopelessly ignorant and not doing anything for the marriage other than work is plain MISANDRY. It might not even be one partner’s fault, life is just brutal and there aren’t enough hours during the day to meet the demand. Blaming the man is sick, evil, twisted, and bigoted. MISANDRY!
Huh? Are you serious? When marriages fail men are always viewed as the reason the marriage fails. Women take zero responsibility and zero accountability for their failed relationships.
Powerful video right here! First time I’ve ever sent a “bonus” on a video because this is incredibly accurate information. EVERY man going into a marriage needs to watch this video. ❤
Yes. I'm sitting here depressed because what this man is saying is so spot on, but I know my husband would never find his way to this video, and if I sent it to him I don't even know if he'd watch it, let alone take it to heart.
"I'm #1 in this marriage " was what my husband told me...loud and clear. Now he wonders why there's so little intimacy in our "golden years". He turned off the spigot of love twist by twist years ago.
This makes me weep inside!! What I wouldn't give for my husband to think this way, to do as you say and just try, to just WANT to try. Thank you sooo much for so expertly articulating what far tooo many of us feel.
I feel for you. My sister spent almost 20 years with her husband feeling that way, hoping he would one day hear her & what she was trying to tell him and that he'd start just TRYING to be less mean and angry when he got home from work, WANT to spend time with her and his children on weekends instead of tooling around in his garage, and just care about her enough to see how hurt and alone she felt with him. She finally lost all hope and left him last year.
Good men are out there. Sometimes they just beed to be treated with love, honor, and respect. Try that with a man even if you think he doesn't deserve it. See how he responds
I’ve been married for 17 years. My husband recently told me that he plans to work less this year, starting 1/1/2024, as he starts to prepare to retire. The consolation: he will “now have time to spend with me.” He doesn’t understand why I’m not jumping up and down with joy… 17 years
Did you twll him early on thay you dont care about money or lifestyle? He probably worked to provide a life he thought you both wanted and now will be penalized for it. The wan who simply wanted her husband now cant even care about him. The man who simply wants to enjoy the life he built now has to deal with rebuilding a life because his wife is resentful. We cant have everything. Either a mediocre job and lots of time, or a good job, amd the sacrifice of time. I dont see any other way
The main thing is that they have to WANT a relationship with the wife and family. A lot of men want the title of father and husband but have no DESIRE to contribute to the health of it but are more than willing to reap the benefits of someone caring for the family they created and then be a victim When the wife is tapped out and checked out emotionally. It sucks and is very painful to not be seen in a relationship with someone you love so Much…… such a bummer
Yep- and it’s why I’ve avoided them most of my life- When I was young I saw my mom and dad( tragic)- Then, I observed other boys and males and could see this “pattern “ and just never wanted to be involved knowing it would probably bring my life a slew of problems. But most women think they need a man lol- Another societal lie we’ve been sold. It’s simply not true and somewhat hilarious.
@@SBecktacular you will live a fulfilling beautiful bountiful life solo for as long as you wish. Remember : having genuine lifelong friends counts even if it’s just a couple of them. My daughters (3 teens) aren’t hell bent on having a relationship or getting married or having ANY human children (only fur children) and are dead set on having their own place with zero roommates. I’m proud of their decision and confidence in living a life for THEM and not what society likes to try to push on people. Seems so many are desperate to be linked with others romantically and I think it’s because a lot of folks can’t stand to be alone or don’t enjoy their own company. Everyone is different tho and should live a life that THEY desire. Solo or linked. Protect your peace at all times and enjoy your life and all the ups and downs that come with it. 💕
I've realized this, too. They NEED to have a wife and children to feel like they are "real men" in the eyes of their peers and society, but they actually want nothing to do with either. Maybe they want sex for awhile, but then porn is easier and they don't have to be nice to porn or think about the porn's feelings. I've got a friend right now who is moaning and groaning about being single at 38. He NEEDS a wife. He NEEDS children. When I ask him what his plans are for those children, he hasn't got much to say. When I ask him how he plans to bridge the gap with his teenaged daughters, or what he might do if his children were autistic "i dunno". It's so often just about their egos.
Another thing is that when kids are involved, kids learn and repeat their environment. So, another cycle of generational trauma and generational insecurities get passed down. This video goes for any couple.
Wow! This was my marriage. I was extremely lonely in my marriage. I will allow myself to feel lonely only because I am actually all alone. Nothing worse than having a person sitting right next to you but feel completely alone. My alcoholism got worse too. He earned the version of me that he had. I have nearly 17 years of sobriety now. I am the happiest I have been and I am single. Life is too short to be in a horrible marriage. I’m grateful I can be alone. God is truly all I need, if that’s my only option. ❤
Thank you for sharing. Your comment, especially the sentence "He earned the version of me that he had" has healed something in me. God bless you!! Sending you love and prayers ❤⭐
You are right on the money!!!! I’m a marriage therapist and I try to tell my couples this!!!! Good for you for researching and doing the work!! I’m forwarding this to all my couples!!!!!
I’ve easily watched thousands of videos, and this is the most profound I’ve yet to see! My daughter and I were talking the other day, and I made the statement, “It’s not that he doesn’t do things for me, but he’s not doing the things I so desperately need.” She said, That’s it right there, Mom!” It seems there are a lot of unhealthy marriages.
@@Alloniya My youngest is 35; my oldest 39. We’ve always had very open and honest conversations but never discussed their father’s and mine relational issues until they were adults and had issues of their own. Even then, I only discussed them if they asked if we had ever dealt with this or that.
I have been married 42 years and when asked how we have stayed together so long the answer is always communication. Yes we have had tough times and yes we get angry at each other but after a short cooling off time we talk about it and work it out. I know I have not always been easy to live with but I can accept this and make changes when needed. Coming from a younger man this is some of the best insight that can be given. You can say that the work in a marriage needs to be 50/50 but the effort to get there needs to be 100/100. Meaning if you only put in 50% effort you're already behind.
I would go into another room and iron. I got more emotional connection with the laundry than I did from him. When I left, he claimed he owned everything that was in "his house." I'm much richer without his "stuff," even the gifts I got from my family, than I was living with him.
That’s what I do. I’m sick of my 60-something yo husband still playing obnoxious war-type video games on his big computer for hours on end. He’s acting like he’s still 25. Will you still be playing these dumb time-wasting video games when you’re 80? Can’t you find a more constructive hobby? Can’t we do things together? Guess not …
You're such a godsend. It makes me tear up listening to you because you just get it. Im in a relationship with a guy with ASD and he has no idea, no matter how much you explain it to him, how he makes me feel so unloved and unwanted. My soul is slowly dying
Lol, you are just bored. I hope men see this video too. Not for the so called reasons women say. But to understand that it is a stupid choice for a man to get married. This dude is smug now, but he won't be when she divorces him. And she WILL divorce him..
I absolutely love this post, so many truths. Had my now ex-husband even put in minimal effort in any of these areas I wouldn’t have felt so alone in our marriage - and you’re correct, the relationship was dying on the vine for years regardless of how I tried to express it to him. I save most of your videos to watch again or to share with my friends. We can all learn how to be better partners and to communicate our needs in a better and more productive way. Thank you for spelling it out with real examples 💕
I felt so incredibly lonely being with my emotionally unavailable ex - much more than I ever did when we weren’t together. He taught me how to be content being on my own. He encouraged my independence so he could have his space. And now I’m so much happier being on my own with my dog and he doesn’t understand. He used to tell me don’t treat me like a child and tell me something over and over. I wouldn’t have tried to say the same thing more than once if I had felt heard and understood the first time. In eighteen years he told me he loved me three times … as I was giving up and walking out the door, as he begged me not to leave because he loved me. Too little too late. Even then I went back and tried again but not the last time.
The same story of so many. Men are inherently self centred and entitled - because they have been allowed to be. But clearly, Enough is now enough and things are changing. Women are choosing not to always be the sacrificial lamb when there’s no reciprocity, and in most cases - depreciation and indifference to our efforts.
That is exactly my story as well (without the dog, though). I went back 2 times as I truly loved him and wanted to give him the opportunity to try again. I had hoped that the separation had allowed him time for self reflection. It was obvious that it was only a ruse. Both he and his daughter treated me with disrespect. He excused her disrespectful behavior anytime she attacked me, and she is grown and living on her own. He would not protect the relationship. She was his priority. Never me.
@@Scoop2341 ugh I will never date a man with kids again, especially a daughter. Plus you don't have to deal with any annoying evil baby mamas. I feel for you.
I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and I am learning not to need him. He is doing everything you said kills a marriage. I have been saying this to him for years.
The women's version of how to fix this would likely be very different. It's hard when you already resent him; but gratitude is a massive motivator for men. It can be super difficult, to the point that when he gets around to a chore or finally interacts with you in a way you wished he would, that can just remind you how mad you were waiting for it. After true forgiveness, it takes vigilance to find something positive and pounce on it to let him see it make you happy. You may have inadvertently punished him for getting around to things or being good to you in the past, so there might be some unexpected baggage to work through on that. On another note, it seems to be in the lore that women need to feel connected and intimate to want sex, and men need sex to feel connected and to unlock their tender side. That can be a great feedback loop that keeps everybody happy. When it breaks down, somebody's got to go first. This guy is getting at the man's side of the equation. The women's side will be different; and part of it might involve being physical and initiating as a true selfless act of love. Again, depending on the amount of rejection he's experienced, there might be some baggage to work through.
Married over fifty years now and all we’ve done is live together….😢have never had a life TOGETHER.. thank you Jimmy for helping others to save their marriage❤
I begged and cried for years for my husband to see me, hear me, telling him I was so lonely being at home raising our children, I was so vulnerable and sat in front of him crying my eyes out, he usually called me ungrateful and needy and he sometimes didn’t look up from his phone. It was so humiliating. I don’t love my husband anymore, I gave up, I don’t want to be near him, I’m only here for the kids. He stopped caring, and finally, so did I.
Been there!!! The kids will be happy if you are. Even in the midst of struggle. There is a peace there. The peace is more calm and ❤ than a forced understanding.
I'm not married, I'm not even interested in marriage, but I still love watching your videos. Maybe it was watching my parent's failed marriage and just seeing a guy talk like this is strange and so different from what I see around me. Very refreshing. I hope this will be much more common in future generations.
Okay, I'm guilty as sin here, though in this case, I'm the wife. I know I work too much lately. My job demands it but the reality is, I'm choosing my job because I love my job. It's the best one I've ever had. But I've come to realize I should remind myself that my husband needs time and attention, too, even when I'm tired. I started making a point to ask him how _his_ work is going, how _his_ hobby is coming along, how _he's_ feeling in general, how _he's_ enjoying our relationship, heck, just inviting him to go on a walk with me on the weekend. It's made a huge difference.
I’m 68 years old and I discovered your channel recently. I’m glad I did! I follow several good relationship coaches but you have swiftly moved to the top of my list. Each of your videos contains so many ‘pearls of wisdom’ that I could listen over and over again and learn something new each time. I’m a divorced woman, and looking, even at this stage in my life, for a close and meaningful relationship. I will continue to follow your videos. Thank you so much! 😊
In the process of getting divorced, never thought I would be divorced, tried for the last 5 years to help him through his childhood stuff. I worked on my mountains of childhood stuff, I am far from perfect but the marriage was one sided and he was/is a narcissist (covert). 30 years and it's over. Mixed feelings. Thank you for your effective communication of the subject, well done you for sorting your own sh*t out, it takes courage and strength to really, honestly look at yourself, I will always have a love for him but we need to move on.
There's a new word for that type of neglect: "husbandonment". There's a lot of married single mothers out there, and single women? We watch, we learn, and we opt out. And the time comes for some of those women to make the single mom status official and drop the baggage of an absentee partner.
You have to ask why, though. No one in a marriage is perfect. We all contribute more than we realize. Unless the husband is just that uncaring, there may be more to it. A lot of men work too much because they finally get respect and feel value and worth at work...but not at home. Treat a good man like he is valued and wanted and he will move heaven and earth for you.
Yes!! I had a friend with a partner who cheats and had a kid out of their relationship WHILE she was pregnant with his kid. She would send pics of entire pots with lids stacked in the refrigerator, and constantly talk about how he lies and how it hurts her. I felt for her. And I don’t want that for myself
So true, my friend went through this for years… until her husband started cheating and when she finally ended things… people wondered how she moved on from him with ease. Because for the last year he was absent, she was with him and the kids but did everything without him. 😢 but he wasn’t good for her or their 6 kids… it’s just sad that now they have to learn to get know her new beau.
It hurt a lot in my marriage because while dating my wife and other women before her, I was much more aware of a lot of the things that you mentioned here. The issues started up after we got married and moved in together. She already had a 2 year old and a life apart from me. I knew that he was her No. 1 so I just tried my best to fit around that. Without any conversations though, I fell into the very easy routine of just asking her what she needed from me. It started with good intentions, but quickly I became another person to take care of instead of a partner. It took years to unlearn and is still taking a lot of communication that neither of us were very good at to get to where we are now (still struggling). We have 3 kids now (including my oldest, the aforementioned 2 year old) and now my wife can say more positive things about me than just “you’re an amazing dad”.
Keep fighting FOR the marriage instead of against it like so many people do. She needs to be asking you what your needs are as well. It takes teamwork. At least you're trying!
Watching this made me realise how lovely my husband is and how he’s got all his priorities right for our marriage. Definitely something we need to continue to work on and actively maintain!
After 27 years of marriage, this man nailed it perfectly, on what happens in a marriag, when a man becomes neglectful to himself and to his family. I would also like to add, the lack of support, the desire to punish, the silent treatment, to use excuses, to fill the conversation with only speaking about themselves, and the lack of desire to be strong with your wife together, not separately, create a road to nowhere but divorce. When a wife desires to save a marriage, does everything she can, tries to communicate in whatever way possible, and it still given a deaf ear and a blind eye, it is impossible for that marriage to be saved. It really does take both people doing their part. For the ladies out there, when your man says he doesn't know if it will be good enough, or if he will ever be good enough, that is a very big red flag, it is an excuse, and if he can't let go of using that excuse, there will be no growth in that marriage.
What makes me sad is I have talked to my husband and told him how I feel. Im not leaving him in the dark with how isolated and unappreciated I feel. But nothing changes. Which shows me where I stand. So im at the point where i have my answer.
Im thankful for this video because it helped me stop gaslighting myself. I've started to think I was being too emotional for having needs for connection... because of how he responds. This at least gave me peace to know I'm not the only woman who struggles, and I'm not crazy for it.
I’m sure you held zero responsibility for your marriage imploding. Women never do negative, hurtful, or vindictive things. All your husbands needs were selflessly met and you played no part in the marriage failing. Both sides stop making efforts. Marriages fail because both stop communicating about their needs in a constructive way. “If he cared he would figure it out” never happens. Are there exceptions where it’s only partner failing yes but it’s rare. I’m sorry you went through that. You need to take some ownership in that painful failure. Or don’t. I hope your second marriage stays happy and healthy. Have a good one
@@mi5jasonbut there are a common thing in marriages where the woman is expected to have a full time job, take care of the kids and do the house work meanwhile the only thing the man does is the full time job. The women gets exhausted by constantly doing this. The man takes what the women do for granted, doesn’t want to get involved in their kids life that much and don’t want to help their wife when they’re exhausted from everything they have to do in the house. Many years go by and then in the end the woman has enough. If you read the comments here a lot of what I divorced women and women who are in unhappy marriages are in that exact same situation
@mi5jason while you have some points as far as everyone needs to reflect on their part in things, your comment feels a bit like projecting. Many people find themselves trying to improve while the other person stagnates, and that's just not sustainable longterm. And that could be men or women, etc.
I've been married for over 30 years and, let me say, you have got it down pat! Well said! These things may sound threatening to many men, but remember your wife chose you and she chose you because she wanted to be with you. These are threats, they are your keys to a long, happy marriage. Always remember, when things are hard, that you and your wife are on the same team. 💜
This is all so confusing because I also agreed with this man since before I got married. I was raised in a household full of women. I can go shopping with my wife and not only be present, but an active participant in what dresses I like and I don't; and I'm not feminine at all yet I feel perfectly fine walking around in Victoria's Secret with her and now our daughter. And despite my listening and executing all over again the things I was already doing for the relationship, she'd express her dissatisfaction because I wasn't doing what I supposed to even as I was doing it. One day I figured I should just stop, not even trying, I didn't have to try it came out naturally from me, but I quit providing her with emotional support and attentive ears, I stopped giving her my all in hopes that once gone she would realize she had it. Nope. She filed for divorce and claims I never tried to save us even as she kept trying and trying but there was only so much she could do. Now she is looking for a new man and for what I hear, she wants one with exactly the same characteristics of the one she just dumped.
Unbelievably perceptive. I lived for 25 years with a man like this. The exhaustion and loneliness were soul crushing. When I left him life was so much easier because I had been doing everything by myself all along, but now I didn’t have to live with the burden of him devaluing me and our children. Yes, he taught me and our two children to live without him. I used to joke with my friends that I was a single mother without dating privileges. Men this is REAL, and if you care about your marriage, listen to this valuable advice.
When I left my ex, the only extra chores on my list (as well as working) was putting out the trash. I got my son to do that and so nothing changed. Objectively less work since I was looking after 3 people - myself and two kids (one with disability) rather than 4. Oh and I left because I found yet another affair was happening. Life got better. 👍🏼
"Marriages die in the conversations that never happen." Yup, that's exactly what happened to mine.
Mine too :(
so true
To a degree, but only because (at least in my case) the reaction to those talks is generally rage and tantrums, and indeed when the conversation did happen, that killed it.
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Mine ended because of conversations that happened every month and nothing ever changed.
Spot On!!!!!!! The reason women handle divorce better is because they mourned the loss of the marriage while she is in it. By the time she leaves, she’s over it.
Super spot on!!!!
This!!
Men don't mourn divorce from you we mourn the loss of our kids and half our sh*t.. we already wrote you off it's to that point.
Yeah I'm sure that's the reason. Definitely has nothing to do with women getting a car, the house and a monthly paycheck.
@@chickenfishhybrid44 and keeping your kids from you for self gratification.
"When she divorces you, you'll be the only one that feels loss, because she's already lost everything." So sad, so true. Gave me chills.
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I expected to feel miserable when I left my ex-bf, but I just felt relieved. I didn’t realize how miserable I had been until I was free.
@@atlanderwrites At firest I was depressed because our marriage had failed.
But then I was happy. Less of my money wasted on crap. Less cleaning (because I didn't have to clean up behind him). No more super stupid arguments.
"One less bell to answer; one less egg to fry. One less man to pick up after..." I feel that part of the song but not the part where she says "all I do is cry"
Exactly
@@Test-vr3kf The moment I put down my bags at my parents' place after my ex asked for divorce, I could only sit and cry over the dream I lost.
But in the end, I was finally free, and I felt like a single parent, instead of a married single parent.
Before I left my husband, I saw a therapist. I felt desperately unhappy.
I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t blaming my husband for dissatisfaction with myself. The therapist pointed out that I was living in an emotional desert.
Lol a therapist. Who I know was another woman. You played yourself
@@madkabaldoubt it
@@rebeccaconlon9743 doubt what? Are American women truly incapable of pattern recongnition?
@@madkabal Damn, man, you don't even have friends, do you?
@laurelgardner with friends like yours, who needs enemies. All I see here are pathetic women looking for every reason to destroy thier families. Divorce courts is a great way to steal money after all.
“You’re teaching her to live without you” BINGO! And then, when he finally takes some time to be home, finally making time for the family, he wonders why nobody cares. He expected everyone to be thrilled with his very presence in the house! Instead, he finds everyone doing their own things, because they HAD to. Yes, in his absence, they learned how to live without him.
So true.
It feel like you were living with my ex. He taught me very well to not depend on him. I even told him that once. Now that I'm divorced, it's not much different other than I don't have the negotiate which projects get done and I don't get told what a horrible person I am every day. I also had a full time job and was supporting the family along with taking care of everything else.
So much of this can apply to other family relationships. My dad, basically alone after Mom died, because he hadn't made good relationships with his kids or grandkids, really. Hard finish for him.
This is my dad. It has been so difficult to watch happen.
@@angelaofalltrades I am in the same position. I am scared of him. If I give him my attention and care again, he will revert back to his old ways. I believe that he does not actually like me and just uses me to play his cat and mouse games. How do you manage when you are living under one roof?
I came to the conclusion that after years of doing EVERYTHING in my marriage -- when you are doing EVERYTHING - that means you are ALONE.
And I asked myself - so what’s keeping me from going solo? Nothing. So I did.
Yep, a single married mother. So what’s the point of keeping the dead weight around?
Being alone in a one sided relationship is 10x harder than being single
@lzal9204 😆 hahaha ding-ding-ding! U R so RIGHT!! I used to have a running joke, "That was the best 180 pounds I EVER lost!" 25 years ago, and it's still true...😌
Same! If I was doing everything anyway and I was getting grief I'd rather be alone
Remember guys, when you ask her what she needs, do not tell her that you don't believe she needs that, don't discount what she needs, don't mock what she needs, do not judge what she asks for, don't question or challenge her need for something, don't say you can do what she needs and not follow through, don't promise anything you don't intend to do.
Bullseye 🎯 💯 ❤
This one. I've heard other guys saying she won't talk to me if I ask her how she's doing. Well, maybe that's what happens when you brushed her off when she tried to tell you for 5 years what she cares about.
My husband doesn't do anything I ask him to do in a timely manner. It takes him months or even years. It's been two and a half years since he said he will connect the ice maker to the fridge I paid for with the kit I paid for.
And don't tell her she's too sensitive or takes things too personally. Sensitivity in a wife's case is her feminine softness and gentleness - something to appreciate, rather than disparage. And how else is she supposed to take things, if not personally, particularly if you're disregarding her?
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For 20 years, I was a married single. When he left, it had absolutely zero impact. In fact, life was easier.
My experience exactly
"Married single" - well expressed!
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I can SO relate. My ex was a fourth child.
@@gingerhancock5446
Mine Is The 8th- 5 Years Younger Than The Last
I Was First Born - we Actually Were Laughing About This Difference A Couple Of Weeks Ago
I Had To Extricate myself From Being A Mother To A Grown Man
Very Freeing 😊
I remember my sister-in-law asking me if I really wanted to be a single mother when I told her I wanted a divorce from my husband.
I told her I was already a single mother.
I bet you got alimony and child support or you were on welfare. Virtually all women have a benefactor, it is either a boyfriend, husband or the government.
Damn- hearing this hurt 😢
I am starting to DREAM of being officially alone in this marriage.
My SIL told me that I should "just put up with him like my mom put up with my dad."
I told an older lady "I am married, but I am living like a single mother," and she quickly said "Oh don't say that!!" Ok. I don't have to say it, but that doesn't mean it's not true. I would say that I lasted 26 years in that marriage, but in reality, there was nothing left of me. I didn't last through it at all. I am having to rebuild literally everything inside me; not from the ground up but from a pit in the ground up.
Married 43 yrs, and yes, he's taught me how to live life without him. It's been a lonely life.
I hope that many men take your message to heart - it would be marriage-changing!
You are an inspiration!
Thank you.
😢❤
@@Weenpuncher Thank you for your sweet empathy, Michelle.
Omg 🫂 I'm so sorry.. You deserve better. I hope you can have a better life & season. It's never too late.
@@EvonneLindiwe Thank you for your thoughtful hug, Evonne, and your sweet sentiments! Kind people like you have been blessings in my life!
Like you I've been married 43 years. N I wish I felt comfortable sending this to my husband. I want so much for our relationship to just survive, let alone thrive. Maybe ill work up the courage to do it n have him listen to it while I'm there. Thank you for posting. Helps me know I'm not alone.
One of the smartest things my working husband did when I was a stay-at-home mom was be in charge of putting the kids to bed, including bedtime stories. It gave them his attention and it gave me a break near the end of the day. It wasn't the only thing he did for our marriage, but it was one of the best.
that's great to hear, I hope you're doing well!
I bet you were an appreciative wife that gave him love, affection and appreciation.
Cause if he did all that and got no
@@Memoiana what??
@jadecoolness101 my headcanon was that they actually thought better of what they were typing and tried to delete it and instead hit send 😅
Not what happened but eh..
@@Elyanley 😂😂
I already started to gaslight myself into thinking that i don't need deep emotional connection, vulnerability etc., that it's not necessary for a relashionship bc my partner doesent treat it like such. Thank you for making me feeling validated and connected to myself again
Me too and I've let it turn me into someone I don't even recognise anymore - frankly I've started to believe that men who truly want an emotional connection doesn’t even exist
@@dreadsndogs4406 God, me too. I've got to a point where I truly wonder if men have feelings at all.
@@annal2740 They do, I've met some, but most of them are young enough to be my sons! So there night be hope for the next generation.
I was there❤
What would you do with it? Most women just weaponize it or demand performative emotions for their entertainment about childish garbage that women worship like drooling animals.
One of THE BEST videos on creating a healthy relationship/marriage I have seen!
I was married to a narcissistic man/child for 25 years. I did all the work in the marriage and was the only one trying to save it. I told him many, many times: if you worked as little on your job as you do in this relationship- you'd be fired.
One of the worst things in life- Is to be lonely in your marriage.
I'm still healing...
🎯
Story of my life! I divorced with two kids at 42. Never wanted this situation EVER, but staying was a long, slow, tortuous death.
I can really, really relate. I know that doesn’t help much, but you know now in reading these comments that NONE of us is alone.
True! I always say, "I'd rather be lonely and single, than lonely and with someone."❤
Lonely in a relationship is such an awful feeling. I went through it too and still healing. Narcissists are so selfish. Mine took and took and took. But then gave to everyone else. Lonely in a relationship.
Maaaaan! Listen. I need to write all of my ex-girlfriends an apology letter. This healing journey is fantastic. Thanks for teaching me how to create better relationships. I am using these strategies with family and friends while I heal/prepare for my next romance.
This is an amazing comment!! You're awesome!
So I wrote the apology letters. Sent a video. And boom, I learned to apologize and not feel like I’m sacrificing my whole life but instead recognizing the experience of her life. #Growth
100% prefection! From women everywhere, thank you for being man enough to admit you were wrong... hopefully, Jimmy's messages spread around the world like a love virus ❤️ there would be a lot fewer broken people out there
@@kimberlyhamberg625 Thank you so much for this Kimberly
@@kimberlyhamberg625 Jimmy is doing that good work. Conflict resolution at its (social media) finest!
It's not just that your relationship deserves as much effort as your career. If you're the breadwinner and leaving all the household chores to your partner, whether they work or not, your partner is facilitating your career success. If you were to get divorced and get shared custody, and actually had to care for your kids half the time, you'd have a lot more work on your hands and your career would suffer somewhat. You're not successful in spite of your family, you are successful thanks to the load your partner is taking off your shoulders.
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You'd think this would be so obvious... a divorce forces dad to do things he insists is "mom's" responsibility. Feed the kids, look after them, clean up after them (and after himself). Suddenly the wife's efforts become painfully obvious. And typically women can find a new partner more easily than men. It would help if children were raised to understand these things, even if it wasn't being demonstrated to them. We need a cultural shift. Divorce rates are sky high and many people remaining in marriages are unhappy. We need a culture shift BAD.
Excellent comment. It is great that people, some at least, are starting to wake up. Thank you for your comment. Hopefully, it will help someone somewhere, as it is packed with wisdom.
Agreed, 100%. Very well said.
@@consciousobserver629the only thing I disagree with is that women can find a partner more easily. I think it’s the opposite way around. Men can more easily find a new partner and a new wife. It seems like divorced men can get remarried very quickly.
Thank you for mentioning PAST hurts also. When we as women “keep bringing up the past” or keep repeating the same things over and over, it’s because they haven’t been resolved. I have unresolved hurts in my marriage that are years old and they DO still matter because they still contribute to the hurt I’m feeling today. Thank you.
Beautifully said and true for me 21 years later 😢. Looking back, I should have left immediately, but I wouldn't have my sweet boys.
I think we as men have past hurts as well. Example when you are man with no kids and take on a woman with 3 kids and then she tells you more than once that she raises and doesn’t like any of my discipline that her and ex will do that. So i close down don’t care anymore.
I wish everyone who plans to marry would listen to this video. It was only after I left a 16 year marriage which contained numerous open, honest, loving (one-way) conversations about what I wanted for us, I finally left. He was shocked. He suddenly understood everything we had ever discussed. He “changed” overnight. Gentlemen, please understand that when anyone hits that point of apathy, it is usually too late. Unfortunately.
Yes and they can only reflect at that point and take the lessons learned into a new relationship. I’ve had to do that with my own shortcomings. It’s how we grow as humans and romantic partners
@@alexarihani2902 Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t the only one at fault. But, I could see that he didn’t care enough to work on it and young people need to know that you can’t take someone for granted for ever. We are here to learn and I’m sure we both did. This is an excellent video.
I read a depressing study that said men *know* their wives are unhappy but they think that it's a tolerable level of unhappy. That they've acclimated and won't leave. They don't care to fix it as long as she's sticking around.
Were you pulling your weight?
@@zukodude487987 ever heard of the ' double shift '?
I tried to tell my first husband this for years, even jumping up and down in front of him saying that things had to change. After 18 years of feeling like I was in the marriage all by myself, I left. He was totally surprised! He actually said, "You have my attention now." Too late. At that point, I couldn't stand the sight of him. I still can't and it's been 32 years since the divorce.
OMG. I left in October after 27 years and got the exact same response: "Now I understand."
22 years. Me too.
Hahahahaha....32 years later.....so funny!!!! That's a comedians punch line right there!!!!!!
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I feel like this been married and together 30 years stay at home mom done trying to get out he's a narcissistic on top of that and controlling loves to verbal abuse done with his ways pray God helps me get out
Man I'm not even married and now I feel like I've been neglecting a wife that doesn't exist
😂😂 that's a deep concept. This video must be challenging your pre-conceived notions about marriage. Now is the time reshape your thinking.
😂😂😂😂😂..... hilarious.
😅😅😅
😂😂
Lmaoooo I’m glad you’re doing the work early!!💯😂🙏🏼
At one point I told my husband that I thought I was having a heart attack. He suggested that I take his car to emergency. I said you have to drive me. He dropped me off at emergency. I left him somewhat later. I am so happy on my own.
Who tf does that and not think it's gonna bite them in the a$$ later?? That's just so thoughtless
I’m sorry you experienced that, men can be real heartless scumbags
I’m not married, hell I don’t even have a romantic relationship but I still binge his content. I apply it to other relationships with people, my parents to make sure they know how much I appreciate them for all they have done and continue to do. With my friends to let them know that I do care for them in my own way.
All in all, this guy is really helpful.
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You are 100% right to apply the same kind of thoughtfulness that he recommends to all the relationships you care about. Wise words!
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I completely agree with you....he gives so many great tips and advice....it's a true blessing.....he speaks truth on so many level!
With an enlightened attitude like that, I think you will be a great romantic partner for someone, someday, if you choose to enter into such a relationship. I hope you find a special someone, if that's what you want. 😊
You can't complain that your wife nags you AND that you dont know what she wants.
A "nag" is her telling you explicitly what she wants. And when you dismiss it as just her nagging, that means you dont care enough to listen to what she's saying.
In abuse recovery communities, we call these "missing missing reasons". Where an abuser claims that they have no idea what they did wrong, while also noting that they're constantly told what they're doing wrong.
That's it exactly! If she's telling you what you're not doing, she's giving you a frickin' list of the things she wants from you.
Right.
Well said
@CyeOutsid...
Exactly!!
Been married for five years and I realise that I have been doing a terrible job as a husband. It's difficult enough commenting about this in public because it's the first time I am coming out about this. I love my wife and I want to save my marriage. I need help but I need to help myself. God give me the strength. Thank you for your video. Hard truths. Needed truths.
Praying for you
You got this!! It’s not about being perfect or doing the perfect thing. It’s about showing how much you care and showing that you try without expecting to be patted on the head for it. Your wife will notice a change of heart ❤️
@@frederiken6804 Thank you for this. She has been pulling the weight for years and she's really tired and we are in a tight space financially and spatially (had to move in with mom in law because of finances) so that adds an extra strain. I'm proactively investing in our marriage one day at a time and I pray that this works. Thanks for your words of courage 🙏🏾
You're on the way. Admitting you aren't cutting it is half way. Good luck.
From someone 17 yrs married ending it due to what this video is saying (and more), you can still turn it around at this point! Knowing is half the battle. Be up front and honest about you realizing this and say it to your wife. Then truly commit to being present and invested in your wife’s daily life. She’s not a side project. Drive by check ins won’t work for long either. 😊 Be attentive to her needs and enjoy her as your best friend. Plan, work, have fun and laugh with her. Live your life with her. Everything else should be secondary. You can do it! ❤❤❤
As a 70 year old woman, you nailed this. I’m so happy that you have that many subscribers because there’s a great deal of men who need to hear this. For too long women have been blamed for being too demanding; when all they want is a healthy relationship that two people contribute to. May your channel continue to grow. Much appreciation, love and blessings to you and your family ❤
Modern women are leaving their husband's in droves. They cannot stay commited.. look at the divorce rates and you will see women are the ones doing most of the filing. Men are being the same as they always have been, but it's women that are changing and not for the better.
@@Annie-uz3ye Tou are correct! Thank You for taking the time to send the message. I have trouble with my eyesight and my Granddaughter typed it for me. I wanted her to type “I am a 70 year old woman and from my perspective you nailed this.” Lesson learned. Much blessings to you and your family.
it seems like these days women want a healthy relationship as their top goal, and for men, that is a top 15 goal, men are valuing their career and well-being over their partners, i hope more women can focus on themselves more and take care of themselves, it's okay to be selfish.
@@KnicksNYanks84 I agree with you 100%. Much blessings to you and your family.
@@KnicksNYanks84 I agree with everything you said, except the last line. Most of the women I know pour themselves out for others, neglecting themselves, which leads to burnout or worse. We NEED to take time to care for ourselves, it's called self-care.
if others call it selfish, that's their problem.
My husband has done an excellent job showing me how to live without him. This is 100% accurate.
Yep, same. 17 years worth of feeling unheard and unwilling to go to counseling. I've finally learned he'll never change because he just doesn't care. It's helped me let go and just live my life without him. Pretty crappy roommates is what we are.
Same with my mom. She became self-sufficient when I was just a teen. Other than the income, she basically did everything on her own - including raising 2 boys. When my dad died she didn't really have any issues with anything - finances, home maintenance, taxes, taking care of herself, etc. Basically just another day. So basically she had a part-time roommate for many decades who taught her how to be independent.
@@kimberlyv5846this is my life now, 18 years together and we were struggling already. Now I find out at 37 I have a rare blood cancer he's gotten even worse (if that was even possible). I've always been sick with health issues but he's just isolating and being mean.
SAME!! I'm so disrespected , it's not funny.
@kimberlyv5846 oh no! It's been 7 years for me and I am not willing to go on like this anymore.
From day #1, he's captured me like a spider in a net. He's from Canada. I'm from WA State and I left everything behind and got married. Next morning, I woke up in bed hearing him talk in the kitchen saying, "Your going back to WA (after my house was gone) and we are getting a divorce"
There's never been any romance or love. I've been exhausted trying to help him. Well, no more! I'm done. It's time for me. He's overkill in EVERYTHING he does, especially with his emotions. Dear God!! That's daily.
So, I helped him by getting him some help, finding out he's on the Autism spectrum. That got him $25,000 from the gov. Did he really thank me for that? No.
Trying to figure him out all these years and all the abuse and cycles.
One day with him is too long. It's pure insanity and other people don't get it.
He's got RAD I believe. Reactive attachment disorder. So, he will NOT attach or connect. Daily, he only talks about his brain, a min of one hour, his job, and cars. He's also had some brain damage. Disrespect, walks all over boundaries and constantly protects himself and lies about me to others and puts on a great show where others actually believe him. Unbelievable!!!!! A Narcissistic to the core. Not just any... he's extreme. He got married just to not be alone. For him. So, we don't have sex but maybe 4 times a year. Something terribly wrong wrong wrong with this picture!! My organs were failing at one point and now I've got high blood pressure.
Put on weight.
So, I feel captured and violated. I also ended up getting herpes and of course, that wasn't his fault! When he's had prostitute issues. Hmm???
So, he lied about so much before I married him. I feel like it's been the biggest violation I'm so done and desire to be back to good mental health.
Why don't you do the same?
"Good people can still make bad spouses." Yup yup!
"Saying "I do" doesn't mean "you can" it just means "you intend to" ... and intentions mean jack without follow through." Excellently stated!
Thank you for your open honesty. Much appreciated.
Woah, well said.
Absolutely!!
Now do a video on what women need to do to make a marriage run, I get so sick of people like you always putting it on men. God made men the head of the household and its the responsibility of the woman to conform to the man. Quit enabling women to be trash.
This is totally doable men. My husband runs three companies, travels for work and often works 18 hour days, seven days a week. He still finds time for me, he still listens and asks the important questions and loves me like I want to be loved. I feel heard, supported and cared for. Being busy is no excuse to not be committed to your marriage. This is great advice. Continue sharing this content Jimmy!!
How? What are the important questions? How do you feel cared for?
Sometimes all we ask for is 15 mins of undevided attention a day and we don't even get that.
Wow you’re incredibly lucky and your “man” is an anomaly-
Society has drilled it into most Mens heads to not show or have emotions-(except anger)
Unfortunately they’ve drank the cool aid without thinking it through.
- but who takes the brunt?
Usually women and children.
🤷🏼♀️
@@megganhusby600 That might be a direct question to ask a spouse as each person needs different things. Have you two talked about love languages? Does she want gifts, compliments, acts of service, etc to feel or give the love?
Wow, so happy for you, this is very precious!
I told my husband I need more quality time and I see my husband trying more and I have to tell him how much I appreciate him just trying. He works hard hours, but he still makes time for me. I’m grateful for him
Maybe you should work more hours and he works less hours so you guys can meet in the middle :)
when I did that, I heard nothing - even more nagging - even though I literally wash, clean and cook. So I said fuck that. She gets zero of my time now.
And remember... it's not "helping" with the household chores. It's your house too, so you have equal responsibility. Also, fathers don't "babysit" their kids. They are equal parents.
With such an outlook, I hope you believe in equal financial responsibilities and handiwork around the house as well. Please keep up that same energy with the checkbook and manual labor. 👍
@@jamesj3395 you know that is not happening come on man.. 😂😂
@@gr8wytbuflo370 💯
@jamesj3395 Yeah, as a single mom, I'm not finding your comment particularly enlightening.
@@msmom1183 Gee, I wonder why. 🤣
This is the pre-marriage class everyone should take.
Let me guess only men need the class huh. Can she honestly say she does any of the stuff he saying. 9 x out of 10 she isn’t.
Literally everything he brought up, it’s likely the woman isn’t doing either.
@@whitkirtley4185 I said "everyone" not only men.
They really should offer classes on marriage and especially parenting
@@BigHeartNoBS I'm sure there are good ones. It would be great if they were everywhere and easy to find. That's the business to be in if someone has the insight and skill.
Homie literally be reaching especially when you literally said everyone 😂@lesleyannmcdaniel9191
This is exactly what happened to my marriage. And then he acted shocked when I left, like he was blindsided even after all the attempts to get him involved in the relationship. I was never prioritized and I got so tired of it. I’m much happier alone!
How well you've put that, and so concisely! I've just waffled earlier about just this...Bravo!😄
See this is the topic no one even talks about to prepare folks for marriage but that is so astounding to hear so many have gone through. Took me so long to sort out that this was happening to me AND it was a legitimate reason to leave the marriage! Smh 🤦🏾♀️
@@AdventurousDana
But how many people, in love enough to be getting married, would be open to even thinking that the relationship might go bad enough to be heading for divorce. It's not something that is in your head, never mind planning how to cope with it falling apart. If you have doubts like that before you marry, save your money and keep looking!!😉
@@pegsbarton6353relationships take effort and work. If you neglect your partner long enough she will want to leave...even if she doesnt actually peace mentally shes gone.
How'd you try and get him involved? Did you have meaningful conversations with him or did you not talk, let resentment build, stopped having sex with him, started looking for your replacement for 6 months while he continued on like things were okay?
This kind of hit me in the heart a little bit. I love my husband, but he's kind of absent in the marriage. He works hard at work, but he works 4 days per week. I am a security guard that works third shift 5 nights per week (sometimes more). I have to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, the laundry, and recently all of the yard work too. Meanwhile, he just drinks and plays computer games on his days off. He disturbs my sleep on his days off because he wants attention, when he knows full well that I need to rest for my shift that night. He doesn't want to listen when I talk to him. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem because I haven't been in the mood for sex for months, but maybe my feelings are valid.
Don't give up on yourself and your happiness. Write out how you feel until you feel clear and take some kind of action- like telling him exactly how you feel and what you want from a partner and what you want to achieve together. I understand how you feel. If he doesn't have the same vision, might be time to move on without him. Stay calm and just speak it like it is. Avoid name calling or yelling. Focus on "I" statements. Prayers friend 🙏🌈
Your feelings are abundantly valid ❤
Your feelings are 100% valid. Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you like a slave?
You might try counseling, but only with a counselor who listens to your side as well as his. Otherwise you might find one that sides with him and blames you for all the problems.
Jim acting like a child is something u cannot control or change. U married a child, and now ur getting the results.
Had a husband who often worked out of town. One time he came home and I was waiting with his favorite dinner cooked and ready, my hair nice, pretty skirt on, his favorite beer cold...I put both plates on the table, popped open his beer and sat down, asked him how things were going. He took the beer, said his buddies were waiting for him at the bar, and left. I put my plate away, gave his to the dog, and proceeded to drink beer on the back step til way past dark. When I left a year later he was shocked! Stunned!
I missed the dog and cats badly, since they'd been my only company. I managed to move one cat into my small apartment. I didn't miss the so-called husband anymore.
This video is spot on.
This is why I don't trust flirting in the early stages of getting to know someone. They show fake interest to get what they want, but it isn't about you. He could and likely does talk that way to other women until one bites, and then he'll focus on her. Fast forward, you become a girlfriend, fiancé, and then wife, but you were never friends and he never actually loved YOU; he just loved the first woman who said yes.
@@llIlIlllII Nah. From what she's written here, she was not assertive in telling him she wants him to be more proactively attentive to her.
And she may be leaving out other details such as how passive aggressively she treats him on other nights, causing him not to want show affection on the nights she does pleasant things like this because of his distrust of her passive aggressiveness on other nights.
@@EriPages preparing all that stuff is imo a pretty clear sign that you want someone to stay and even though there could've indeed been other factors at play, I think it's a bit far fetched here, if she's really passive aggressive or whatever to him usually why the sudden urge to do something nice for him? And something so effort intense too?
@selina_x3 that's effort INTENSE? Bar is real low for you honey.
@EriPages
1. Please don't call me honey, that is kinda condescending when you're speaking to a stranger.
2. It certainly is on the higher end of things you can do on a random night where he just returned from a trip. What else should she do that is more effort and fits the situation in your opinion? She was conciderate enough to even think of doing it, went to the store, bought the ingredients, cooked the dish (depending on what it is prob medium to high effort), decorated the table nicely, picked out an outfit she thought he would like to see on her and considering that it was something rather "sexy" she was probably planning on transitioning to physical intimacy later on. When he arrived she brought him his favourite beer and he proceeded to not tough the food specifically cooked for him and completely ignoring the thought and preperation gone into this gesture. Possible tensions aside that is just disrespectful.
Thank you Jimmy! You are a Godsent! My wife just sent me the link to your videos and I subscribed. I am on my third marriage, we have been married for 25 years. I lost the best job I've ever had about 3 months ago, but my relationship at home has been getting so much better because I've been putting more time into things, being I'm home. I agree with you 100% on everything that you have said in this video! People that say your criticizing and putting men down don't get it, and they're headed for disaster! I have hit that in two failed marriages in my life. I am 61 years old and I completely agree with you! I am going to continue to work on my marriage so that it grows better and better. Thank you thank you thank you!
It took you almost 3 failed marriages to realise the problem was you?
Remember to just ask her what she needs and do it with love not work.
People say he is "putting men down"? That's incredibly immature. He is a man. He's talking to men in this video (although the advice applies to EVERYONE!)!
I’m so happy to hear this for you and your wife and family. So many people won’t take responsibility for their actions and then feel like the victim when their family finally cuts them out. you are one of the ones that’s not breaking your family’s heart over and over and that saves you a broken heart at the same time. 💕💕💕 I hope more partners stop and listen.
As a woman, I just want to say MOST OF US ARE WORKING TOO! So, you may think you're "providing for the family" but so am I, exactly how you are, THEN I come home, do the dishes, take care of kids, pets, household etc ON TOP of "putting a roof over ALL our heads" when do I get time to play on my phone? Call my friends? etc.? And on top top of that I'm suppose to thank you for "going to work"? Okay, well if you play the game of "I'm a bachelor living with known roommates" and I'm playing "Single mom" guess what? You pay alimony and child support and I get to move on with my life.
Bang on. These men want to live like perpetual teenagers and treat thier wives like mothers then wonder why she wont ' put out'
Yep exactly. If we have to be working moms, that means we have two full time jobs, where one we have to complete within a 4 hour timeframe every weekday
Daaamn! You slayed girl 🙌🏼
Amen!!!
I do this. And i dont want a dime. I just want peace😢
I am a therapist who often works with couples dealing with all of the things you mentioned here. it is SO IMPORTANT for men to hear these things from other men. In sessions, many male clients in heterosexual relationships think I am just “taking her side” when I say the exact same words you say. Usually this is something we can work through. But this step is often avoided when men hear these things from other men. Way to break the toxic masculinity cycle!
Of course you take her side. You are a female "therapist" I'm sure you got high marks in your gender studies class.
"Male clients" "heterosexual" "muh toxic masculinity" yeah, all the buzzwords. you're definitely an activist woke therapist whose mission in life is to use your title to destroy as many families as you can. What color is your hair freak?
Therapy doesn't work and if you are a therapist then you know that it's geared towards trying to keep the "woman happy ".
🎯💯
There are also men (and women) out there that show up for counseling with their halo on and while the spouse is spilling their guts the wonderful spouse is taking notes to use on you when you get home.
If my husband asked me some of those questions, I would break out crying. Yeah I’m married, but yeah I’m also alone. By him refusing to participate in “our” life together, I’ve had to drop the “our” and start considering everything in terms of just “my” life, which is so sad because I have so much to give, it’s just not accepted because he doesn’t want to reciprocate. Men really stab their their usefulness in the ribs because they refuse to have freaking conversation. 🙄
send this video to him.
I'm in the same situation. Completely alone. I sleep alone, eat dinner alone, vacation alone, spend all holidays alone. Im.tired of being the one everyone feels sorry for.
The most important thing to remember I think is that a lot of women work a 40+ hour work week and are still expected to pick up all the emotional and household labor on top of it now. Of course if you're a sahm then you might not even necessarily need your husband to do the dishes or fold laundry but being appreciated goes a looooooong way... honestly though, I feel like the breadmaker argument doesn't even hold up well anymore, cause a lot of men couldn't pay the bills without their wife's help.
Indeed… all the women I know work too…
There is a growing trend of SAHMs who also homeschool. So, that in it self is an entire job.
So, helping around the house really helps when you are juggling so many responsibilities.
Most women dont do well overloaded with responsibilities. Type A people are rare. Wish I was one of them, but I am not. I have limits and balls get dropped when I am expected take on all the house responsibilities and maintenance, kids, errands, bills, holidays and events, finances, his schedule, fixing things, cook and clean up.
This is only a small bit of what we deal with weekly.
Going to work and making the money is important but it is one large part of the puzzle. You shouldnt take all the balls but men can definitely take som interest and pick up some of these to help their family and marriage.
THIS.
Breadwinner*
And people wonder why I don't want or have children. I KNOW I'd be the one raising them along with everything else I already do. Guys especially: aww, kids are great! Me: we don't have enough time to go thru all the nuances that would lead me to be giving up my hopes and dreams instead of him to raise them because I make more $ working less hours so out of the two of us, it would fall completely on me if I wanted a kid. The one thing my mother taught me, unintentionally, is that I NEVER want to be a single mom. I'm just not that person and that's okay.
I am so grateful for having had my late husband in my life. He encouraged me to go back to college, we were both working, and had to have opposing schedules to be there for our young children because we couldn't afford to pay for childcare. There was one semester we saw each other a grand total of 4-5 hours each week. We would call each other during our commutes to update each other on things around the house or just to talk. We had 25 years together before a sudden heart attack took him out of my life. I miss him so much.
I’m so sorry to hear that he’s no longer with you, but it pleases my heart to know that when he was here the two of you made the best out of it and never lost sight of what’s so very important; your children and each other. Please take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
❤
im sending you my love
I’m so sorry. That’s tough. I’m glad y’all had an amazing marriage.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Spot on. I'm his second marriage, 7yrs I've felt and been more lonely with him than when I'm alone. I'm on my way out. Can't wait.
I'm 20 years into my second marriage and halfway out the door for exactly the same reasons. I've spent years trying to get him to see how only prioritising his work, himself, etc is killing any affection I had for him. Twenty years and he's never even suggested a day out together.
@@annal2740that was a lot of loneliness's. I wish you a much better live and love for your future. 🙏🏼💖
All the divorced friends I have decided WAYYYYY before she actually told him they were done. They also warned them SO many times, for years, about the damage of the behaviors (drinking every night, cheating/borderline cheating, major health neglect, not giving affection/initimacy, financial abuse, and even verbal abuse or worse.) I did the same in the two major relationships before I dated to find a real partner (my husband.) Warned like crazy, then all shock and weeping when I said guess what we are DONE. It gets to the point you just laugh about it and wonder what part of "if this doesn't change, I need to MAKE a change" they didn't understand. Women can do wrong as well, but I can only speak from my POV as a woman.
Yes,women do that sneaky shit when they check out emotionally from a husband in marriage...
Wow, this video found me at an eerie time of my life. Been with my fiance for four years, we've been excitedly planning our wedding, but lately things have been rough. I suspect I have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (the symptoms are uncomfortably relatable), and when she brings up a concern it snaps me into a sense of victimhood, paranoia, fear of abandonment, and anger. And lately with that paranoia I've been misreading what she says to me as something else. We talked about breaking it off instead of getting married.
Last night I finally broke down sobbing as I realized what I've said and done is what has hurt her and hurt us. I've been too tired after work to always support her. I've been selfish and listening to self-preservation warning signs instead of just communicating with her. I've tried to fix her problems instead of just listening to her.
This video is further cementing the ache I feel for all the hurt I've caused her lately and helped reignite my passion to do what's right and be there for her. I genuinely love her and my actions haven't been reflecting that as well as I'd like or as well as I thought they were.
I'm thankful to report she's giving me a chance to redeem myself. And I think we've caught it before the eleventh hour. I'm going to search for a therapist to process my emotional wounds so that I stop leaking all over her. She deserves the best husband.
And you deserve the best you.
Don’t have to guilt trip yourself too. Just be glad that the unconscious has presented itself and now you are aware of those dysfunctional patterns. It’s great that you are working it out.
Premarital counseling! It can help a lot!
Wow! This personal recognition gives me hope. Best wishes to you and your fiance!
30 yrs marriage to someone with bpd and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Get the therapy. COMMUNICATE with your fiance/wife. Don’t give up on her and she won’t give up on you. I hope the best for you sir.
I quit doing all of the emotional labor (asking him about his day, feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, initiating physical connection, etc…) in order to feel connected and after about 6 months I asked him if he noticed. He said that he noticed something was different and was relieved! That told me all that I needed to know. Women leave the relationship emotionally before we leave physically. Men are often emotionally disconnected so they can’t feel her withdrawing which is why they are surprised when she leaves.
They are surprised even after you tell them thousands of times
@@AvneetKaur-ow7vj that is very true!
The irony of your statement is... ironic. Especially the part where you gas-lit yourself into mistaking 'being interested' for 'emotional labor'.
@@mids5854 she just meant she stopped investing in an emotional connection.
@@mids5854 absolutely amazing the number of women in this comment section who think the content of this video can only possibly go one direction
Wow.....divorced 20 years ago after 21 years of marriage. I was so lonely the entire time. All I wanted was for my husband to want to spend time with me, to talk to me, to put effort into creating an opportunity for us to have special time together. Instead I learned to do EVERYTHING by myself. I learned that I could only depend on myself. I could only depend on myself to take care of our children...and figure out all growing pains for my daughters.
When i asked for his participation....telling him everything is more fun when he is engaged ..or saying I cant do all this alone, and work 40 a week....his response was his contribution was his paycheck which was a third more than mine.
He was a good man, but not a good husband.
When my husband and I were engaged, he traveled a lot for work. He wanted to be a good husband so asked me how frequently it was ok for him to travel for work (he had control over this). I replied, “Anything is fine. But if you’re not around, I will just learn to live my life in a way that I don’t depend on you.” It was just matter of fact, not a threat.
My dad traveled a lot so I knew how it went.
My husband didn’t want that to be our dynamic so he cut his work travel in half.❤
So you wanted him to support you but won't do the same for him? You being happy is actively hurting your partners future and hapiness? It has to be both ways that is what I missing here. You want men to go out of your way and put everything aside for your happiness but when he checks in with you he gets the cold shoulder. Do what I want or you lose me. Do you see the problem?
give and take
"It was just a matter of fact, not a threat". That sounds like healthy communication...
@@stinkiaapjeShe wanted him home more, doofus.
@@stinkiaapje it wasn’t a matter of my happiness. My communication wasn’t that I would only be happy if he traveled less. I only said that if he were gone I wouldn’t emotionally depend on him. How can you depend on someone who isn’t there. I’m fine being independent. My mom was neglectful and my stepdad was hands off and so I hadn’t depended on anyone for most of my life and I was ok. I just thought it an important factor to consider when discussing travel for work that was within his control. Fast forward 15 years and we are in a happy marriage with four kids. We love and support each other. When the children were smaller, he limited his work travel to what he determined fair and I agreed. He travels more now but we have also agreed that that was a good arrangement for our current family dynamics. One final thing I’d like to share is that support for each other isn’t just a financial choice. We support each other emotionally as well. In fact, my husband is much more in touch with his emotional needs and actually wanted my feedback about traveling for work.
With your experience with your father you were smart to acknowledge the wound and to prevent a similar one, makes total sense
In my marriage these roles were reversed. Due to an auto accident, and twelve years later, an on the job injury, I was disabled. I have always been the cook, but I became the "house-husband ". I can relate totally with your wife's perspective. When I tried to get my wife to understand, I became angrier and angrier because my pleas fell on deaf ears. When I reached my breaking point, in desperation, I told her " your making me not love you anymore. Her response was to move out and blame me and my anger. Sad ending to a twenty-three year marriage.
It's hard to be told your wrong and need to change. We as people need to be ok hearing that or criticism without it breaking down who we have built ourselves up to be. Doesn't mean that person hates us, they just need some changes. I'm the first to admit this fault or that of mine but it can be all hard to hear others say something I did was wrong. And apologizing is hard. But working on solutions together is the key. I also want to blame media, Hollywood, books whatever for us ladies thinking he should just know what I need or want without me asking! That's not fair either, but I'm just as guilty of it. Expecting the guy to always surprise you with the perfect gift, jewelry, trip, present, etc. Another thing I'm learning as a SAHM, to see the value out appreciate the work I do myself, not wait for praise from others, cuz then it's so easy to give up when I don't get acknowledged. But the reverse of that which is reality is in not constantly criticized for when I don't get things done and I've stopped myself feeling guilty when my spouse ends up washing the dishes or vacuuming as of crap I didn't do my job. I'm like not it's all stuff to be done and I do attaching guilt to that.
A man's value is determined by his ability to provide and other utility aspects. That accident hindered that therefore she saw you as lower value then decided to leave for greener pastures.
@@seanb6478No. A man's worth is not determined by the almighty dollar. Only shallow men think that.
@@origamikiddo2625 I’m fortunate I didn’t grow up with the “mind reader” mindset. I grew up on the receiving end of the “mind reader” mindset and now I actively push against that mindset, to the point I firmly believe in “my common sense is not your common sense, so don’t expect me to have the same expectations and knowledge as you”.
@@seanb6478LOL no. The woman didn't leave. She abused someone and constantly belittled them. Them gave them the ultimatum of either suck it up or leave. That's not a woman understanding her options. That's just a bully
Guys, listen to his advice. I’ve been married 18 years. I’ve done all the things. And if anything, I needed HER help with the chores. And then it happened. Started my own company and then let my customers dictate my schedule. It wasn’t that I was gone all the time, it was WHO I was when I was home. Frustrated, angry and preoccupied. Almost lost her. That lasted 4 years and I’ve been working to recover for the last 3. God and counseling sessions are starting to work.
Thank God! Thanks for your honesty and for sharing
It's good to see that you are able to reflect and have some self-awareness. So many men cannot do that, so I give you credit. I hope you guys are able to work things out and that you make your way to a happier future.
Thanks for sharing
You sound like a whipped well trained boy.
This made me cry...
Sadly I was married to an abusive narcissist, which left me with complex PTSD. I just wish he could have been the man you talked about... that would have been so healing for me.
Even after 23 years on my own I now have hope that one day there will be someone better, who will treat me the way God intended me to be treated and valued.
Thank you for showing me there are good men out there who do see and hear and want to be husbands who selflessly love their wives in the way God intended them to, so we can love them with all the love God has given us... ❤
So sorry to hear this I was married 25 years to an abusive narcissist.
33 years later I'm still waiting to meet a man I can trust. I wouldn't hold your breath.
Many husbands don't want a wife, they want a mother. But that's not what a wife needs - yet another child - that on top even wants sexual services...
Most women don't want a husband they want another dad.. protect ya and pay your way through life.. soooo what's your point 😂😂
@@gr8wytbuflo370 You have your experience, I have mine. And as I'm a bit "older" I probably had more time to watch....
Truth!!
@@gr8wytbuflo370bullshit
And many wives don't want a husband, they want a father. But that's not what a husband needs - yet another child - that on top never gives her husband physical affection
Wow, I just found your channel now. I am shocked to hear a man giving men the correct advice to have a healthy, happy connected marriage relationship. Women get married, because we want the relationship (and the sex), but most men deprive their wives of the relationship. This is why cheating and divorce takes place. Women hate being ignored and forgotten. Men need to nurture their marriage relationship first. This is what women do. Women are actually not nagging their husband. Husbands ignore their wife. Women want the RELATIONSHIP first. Men please listen to this man. I subscribed!
Sooooo true. I've been married and divorced three times and they all ended because I couldn't take the loneliness anymore sitting in a room with someone who wouldn't talk. Couldn't even ask about my day. Acting bewildered when I'm grumpy for lack of affection. Clueless men who would walk through fire for their woman but can't even show non sexual interest for 30 minutes. Thank you for saying all this and I hope men will listen
Instead of complaining, hug him, hopping his lap, give him affection when you want affection. He is a man.
@@Andrew-ig5spI would always try to initiate affection with my ex. But he would always turn it sexual. Then I was the mean bitch for rejecting his sexual advances. We’re talking about non-sexual affection here. Many men can’t do it
@@Andrew-ig5spyes tell that to the woman whose putting in all the effort , how about HE hug her, how about HE hop on her lap !
Sounds like you didn't communicate directly with him or any of the others. Men aren't mind readers. Heaven forbid they found you physically attractive. You can't make this stuff up.
@@Andrew-ig5sphilarious that you think that will fix men like this! Men who neglect their wives do so because something is wrong inside of them. I can give affection all day but I still won’t get asked about my day, help with the kids, help with cooking/cleaning, and time. We are talking about men who don’t understand how to be present. It usually stems from childhood crap that they don’t want to deal with.
I burst into tears... you get it. I tried talking about this...I was slammed with anger and disrespect. I am single now and still picking up the pieces.
The more therapy and therapist content I consume, the more I’m realizing how bad my past relationships really were and how much I let slide and just swallowed my feelings about. I always blamed myself for my relationships failing, but in reality I just attracted zero-effort people. Now I’m happier than I’ve ever been, not just because of therapy but also because my partner is in therapy and he is emotionally intelligent and communicates and puts in EFFORT. I think everyone needs to have this kind of wake-up call at some point in their lives.
The more you're willing to give, the more parasites will attach themselves to you. You want someone who returns the same effort, and get someone who drains you dry instead and thinks they deserve it because they're sooo amazing, all they have to do is exist. They never seem to notice you wilting from lack of care, and then the contempt for them creeps in when they whine about you not wanting sex with them, and act as if its an act of violence against them, rather than just that you don't like them anymore. They think you're sexless. But you're just over being used as a maid and fleshlight. I hope things change. Until then, I recommend that women don't get married or have kids, and certainly never allow a man to support them, given how many men seem to feel doing a basic job entitles them to 24/7 room service.
This resonated so much. He's literally watching me drown with work, kids, cleaning, etc. But still wants me to have time and energy for him...I don't have energy for me, my dude.
Saying I love you and how pretty I am doesn't wash the dishes, clean the floors, take care of sick kids, etc.
This!
Fake an illness and quit your job. You’ll find you save a lot of money staying home. You can’t do everything
A lot of men are entitled and think their presence alone is a gift to us, that their words are enough and we should be grateful we get any attention. It's an ego complex they struggle stepping down from.
"She's already lost everything", this line broke my soul😫, 🙏🏾thank you for addressing that.😔 To go from having family, happiness, peace, friends, a job and independence, to neglect, fancial and emotional abuse, is one of the worst experience in life 😢
I feel you 💔 God gives us strength to keep going and I pray for divine justice 🙏
I remember saying to my significant other. "What role do you play in this relationship? I feel like I'm always apologizing and, statistically speaking, it can't always be my fault."
Thank you so much for sharing this information! I sent a link to it 2 days ago and my husband watched it several times today and told me he finally understands what I’ve been trying to tell him for years. He cried and apologized to me. I had begun plans to divorce him. Now I’ll stick around for a little while longer. Fingers crossed he truly gets it and doesn’t back slide into old habits.
It's a shame that he had to have a man say it before he could listen.
Agreed, but pretty typical in my experience
@kathyjulian. I hope he follows through and is not just trying to manipulate you into staying and then just continue as usual. I would sit him down and tell him I was already at the end and have no more time to waste. Does he seriously believe he can commit to growth and change 4 a better relationship? Then we can agree to put some actionable plans in place for 90-180days namely : individual therapy, joint counseling, scheduled dates to address unresolved issues, sharing of chores, etc. Without any structured approach, things tend to return to status quo. You don't want to be the one pushing the change. Let him show that your presence is valuable, otherwise, keep moving and let him come back, if you are still available, after he has done the work.
In my experience, he played on my empathy and hope but never put in the work. After 17 yrs, I finally accepted that my continued tolerance did not motivate him to change and I was wasting my life and must move on to redeem what I have left. Yes, he was dedicated to his agenda and wiped my savings in the period. My point is I should have trusted my instincts and left in the 3rd month /year. Don't stay 4 him to change. Let go. It is up to him to prove he is serious and change. Then you can start again. Happier on my own now. ❤
Maybe a man explains it in a way that he understands?
@@nathantupe9018Perhaps, but some men are unconsciously dismissive of women when they speak and can only hear what they're saying if it comes out of a man's mouth.
My ex was like that. I can recall instances when it just didn't compute if I, his mum or his sister said something to him. It's only when my brother in law said the same thing that he would take it seriously.
It was very frustrating.
“I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what she wants…” Try ASKING, and when she answers, LISTEN WITHOUT BEING DEFENSIVE. Take her answer as an ANSWER, not a “riddle,” and you will likely succeed in getting things figured out. For 32 years I tried to get my husband to understand this. 😢
I promise you, he understood. He didn't CARE. I had to accept this too. The moment I left him, he suddenly 'understood' and was aware and intelligent. It was A HUGE LIGHTBULB moment for me. It was like a thump - OMG, he understood this whole time. Never go back. They only want to fix it for them, not you.
They just think 'another bla bla bla, I am so unhappy because of you, bla ,bla, bla'
Yup, I had someone say they didn’t know what I wanted from them, all I do is complain about stuff they’re not doing…
Well when I was “complaining “ that was me telling you what I wanted,
50 Hour work week! I'll take it! Lol. No everything you said is 1000% correct.. I acted like my wife owed me something for paying the bills. I neglected the core foundation of a relationship.. treating here as a equal as my life partner. Looking back I made many mistakes most of the things you said. Thanks for saying what every husband needs to hear.
As the wife of this type of husband, I felt obligated to prostitute myself in gratitude for his working 20 hours a day to pay the bills. There was no relationship. I barely ever saw him awake. since he'd come home after I was in bed for dinner, sex, and sleep, and then get up before I did to go back to work. I waited for years for him to have time to spend with me. No more. He's retired now, and his new wife gets to go on cruises with him.
Dude, God is pleased with you! Self awareness, emotional inteligence, mutual respect, unintentional neglect..........i never heard a man talk like this❤ may you be blessed forever!!
All of this is spot on. My marriage has failed because of this. I've sent him lots of similar videos, gotten books for us to read together, asked for marriage counseling. As wonderful as this video is, I'm not going to send it to my husband. Because I'm just too tired to care anymore. I told him straight out that our marriage has broken my heart and spirit, but he didn't believe me and just kept saying that HE needed ME.
and i bet he's being 100% honest. he DOES need you. because you're the one doing all the work.
but that's not fair, and the question you should be asking yourself is what do YOU need? a break, freedom, to unburden yourself of someone who is all talk, says they care, but does absolutely nothing to show they do?
sometimes, the best thing is to walk away from a sinking ship before you end up drowning. don't let yourself get caught in the trap of staying, only to lose yourself entirely to the resentment and frustration. you're worth more than that
Hi! I believe in you. I'ts really hard and painfull. But try one last time. First pray to the Lord seeking His advice and help. And then, share this video to your husband. May the Lord bless you.
You shouldn’t need someone, you should want them.
Big hugs lady, you can lead a horse to water but they don’t always want to drink. Please take care of you, you are important.
He needs you because you do the things he doesn't want to do that he would have to do if you left. Maybe you should ask him why only what he wants matters and takes precedence over your own needs.
My ex-husband liked the title but not the work that needs to be put in for it to survive. You can’t procrastinate a relationship constantly & expect it to survive.
This is so true Laura.
It's not procrastinating. We just have our own sense of time and priorities.
If I tell a woman I'll do something, then I'll do it. She doesn't need to keep reminding me every six months.
@@mikey92362i know this is meant to be funny but it’s actually pathetic
@@mikey92362
Is this a joke?
Did you even watch the video?
Better yet - men need to understand women have their own time and priorities. If she ever said she wanted to have s*x with you, she will get to it in her own time. You don't have to keep nagging her every six months.
@@Lambeh yes it's a joke. I was just checking to make sure that women still aren't funny. ')
An easy checklist, for either partner in the relationship:
1) Have you told your spouse today that you love them?
2) Have you asked them at least one question about how their day went or something that happened today?
3) Have you done at least one chore that contributes to the household without being asked today?
4) Have you expressed appreciation to your spouse for a chore they completed or something they did today?
It's not the be all, end all, but it's a really good start.
And this is just to start!
It's a start...👍🙂
Except saying you love someone because you think you should, rather than you can't help but tell them how much they mean to you. If I got a daily trot out 'I love you' I'd feel he was ticking boxes. If he makes a drink for me, or says, no you sit down, I'll do that..then he's showing me love and caring.means as much as words. And yes chaps, I can see eyes will roll, and you think we'll never be satisfied, but to show you care and think about your partner is as good if not better than words imo.
Good advice!
@@pegsbarton6353you're right. It does sound like you'll never be satisfied😂. Jk
On a more serious note, I find that women have trouble with explicit communication (i.e "honey I'd like you to do this for me") and men have trouble understanding the hints women drop. This leaves both parties quite frustrated, and it why you have situations where a woman is completely dissatisfied with her marriage but the man thinks everything's okay
Thank you! I have been doing this. Blamed my wife for my unhappiness. I’ve hurt her so many times. I’ve never known what real emotional closeness looked like. Trying to figure this out. I love her like crazy and I really want to be a better husband. Thanks for sharing.
As a woman I cringe listening to this because I know it will hurt men and I don’t want to hurt them in talking about this with them… but maaann, when I try to relay this exact same message I am met with defensiveness and being accused of blaming. I’m just wanting an active participant that we can tackle stuff with and make our relationship great again. I swallow this same stuff myself and try to implement it but there’s nothing that kills a relationship faster than feeling dismissed and ignored. My life is on hold because we are not working together… kids, home, future is starting to disappear and the stagnation is starting to push me in another direction solo. I’m sad but after putting a lot of time, energy and effort into the relationship I need to get back to investing in myself.
Exactly the same here! Word for word...
Stay strong❤
I feel exactly the same from the beginning to the end…
I feel you. Had the same thing... So I left. I'd rather be lonely by myself and not have to deal with him. I've been single for 7 years now. He died last April. Having married several more times since our divorce... My only regret is ever taking up with men in the first place. My life would have been 💯 if I'd stayed single and abstinent. ❤❤❤ Biggest lesson ever, is you don't need anyone other than one great friend to drive you home after a colonoscopy!!😂😂
🙌
Why are you coddling males? Why bother worrying about how they feel?
Finally! A guy NOT blaming women for problems in the marriage. And actually telling men to man-up, take responsibility, and stop playing the victim. Thank you, sir. I pray that men will hear this and have the guts to change.❤❤
Only certain men need to hear this…there are plenty of divorces where the woman is the problem
This false one sided narrative is plan MISANDRY. Marriage takes two. 2️⃣ Women are just as responsible for the dysfunction they co-create with their spouse. The image of the wife doing everything and being the only one contributing while the man is hopelessly ignorant and not doing anything for the marriage other than work is plain MISANDRY. It might not even be one partner’s fault, life is just brutal and there aren’t enough hours during the day to meet the demand. Blaming the man is sick, evil, twisted, and bigoted. MISANDRY!
@@carramrod8232yes. This is very true. This isn’t applicable to every single situation but it does need to be said
That and those blue eyes. lol. Whoever got him, lucky ducky. Yes, even with the cheating, if he really means he turned around and is all into her now.
Huh? Are you serious? When marriages fail men are always viewed as the reason the marriage fails. Women take zero responsibility and zero accountability for their failed relationships.
Powerful video right here! First time I’ve ever sent a “bonus” on a video because this is incredibly accurate information. EVERY man going into a marriage needs to watch this video. ❤
How sad that a wife finds this video, and not the husband😢. Sending it off to him will only turn him away even more.
Yeah I was just thinking the same thing 😕
Yes. I'm sitting here depressed because what this man is saying is so spot on, but I know my husband would never find his way to this video, and if I sent it to him I don't even know if he'd watch it, let alone take it to heart.
Have you sort out the female version of this video? You can only work on yourself.
ruclips.net/video/BJGWgmGIJWs/видео.htmlsi=hZizhvHxf10J3ysd
Found this video and I think it is too late, I would have loved to find this earlier. My wife never deserved that neglect.
"I'm #1 in this marriage " was what my husband told me...loud and clear. Now he wonders why there's so little intimacy in our "golden years". He turned off the spigot of love twist by twist years ago.
This makes me weep inside!! What I wouldn't give for my husband to think this way, to do as you say and just try, to just WANT to try. Thank you sooo much for so expertly articulating what far tooo many of us feel.
Send him this guys content. If he reacts badly to it, Leave him 💯
I feel for you. My sister spent almost 20 years with her husband feeling that way, hoping he would one day hear her & what she was trying to tell him and that he'd start just TRYING to be less mean and angry when he got home from work, WANT to spend time with her and his children on weekends instead of tooling around in his garage, and just care about her enough to see how hurt and alone she felt with him.
She finally lost all hope and left him last year.
@@AliceinJapanaland. I feel for your sister. I hope she has a good support system.
@@Nikkiijeanif he reacts badly, leave him?? Marriages aren't disposable based upon how someone reacts to video content.
Good men are out there. Sometimes they just beed to be treated with love, honor, and respect.
Try that with a man even if you think he doesn't deserve it. See how he responds
I’ve been married for 17 years. My husband recently told me that he plans to work less this year, starting 1/1/2024, as he starts to prepare to retire. The consolation: he will “now have time to spend with me.” He doesn’t understand why I’m not jumping up and down with joy… 17 years
I recently had a similar conversation with my husband--married for 30 years last month. Same reaction for me. Yay.
Damn. Is there nothing about him you like?
@@trianglesandsquares420 After 17 years of waiting, I doubt it.
Did you twll him early on thay you dont care about money or lifestyle? He probably worked to provide a life he thought you both wanted and now will be penalized for it.
The wan who simply wanted her husband now cant even care about him.
The man who simply wants to enjoy the life he built now has to deal with rebuilding a life because his wife is resentful. We cant have everything. Either a mediocre job and lots of time, or a good job, amd the sacrifice of time. I dont see any other way
17 years of waiting. Are you a cicada?
When someone is complaining about something you’re not doing, they’re literally telling you what they want you to do
The main thing is that they have to WANT a relationship with the wife and family. A lot of men want the title of father and husband but have no DESIRE to contribute to the health of it but are more than willing to reap the benefits of someone caring for the family they created and then be a victim
When the wife is tapped out and checked out emotionally.
It sucks and is very painful to not be seen in a relationship with someone you love so
Much…… such a bummer
Society needs to quit promoting the idea that everyone should be married. Some don’t see the value of marriage and that is OK. Just don’t get married.
Yep- and it’s why I’ve avoided them most of my life-
When I was young I saw my mom and dad( tragic)-
Then, I observed other boys and males and could see this “pattern “ and just never wanted to be involved knowing it would probably bring my life a slew of problems.
But most women think they need a man lol-
Another societal lie we’ve been sold.
It’s simply not true and somewhat hilarious.
@@SBecktacular you will live a fulfilling beautiful bountiful life solo for as long as you wish. Remember : having genuine lifelong friends counts even if it’s just a couple of them. My daughters (3 teens) aren’t hell bent on having a relationship or getting married or having ANY human children (only fur children) and are dead set on having their own place with zero roommates. I’m proud of their decision and confidence in living a life for THEM and not what society likes to try to push on people. Seems so many are desperate to be linked with others romantically and I think it’s because a lot of folks can’t stand to be alone or don’t enjoy their own company. Everyone is different tho and should live a life that THEY desire. Solo or linked. Protect your peace at all times and enjoy your life and all the ups and downs that come with it. 💕
I've realized this, too. They NEED to have a wife and children to feel like they are "real men" in the eyes of their peers and society, but they actually want nothing to do with either. Maybe they want sex for awhile, but then porn is easier and they don't have to be nice to porn or think about the porn's feelings.
I've got a friend right now who is moaning and groaning about being single at 38. He NEEDS a wife. He NEEDS children. When I ask him what his plans are for those children, he hasn't got much to say. When I ask him how he plans to bridge the gap with his teenaged daughters, or what he might do if his children were autistic "i dunno".
It's so often just about their egos.
Even worse a lot of men see marriage as the end of their happiness and then resent their spouses. Its a really bizarre frame of mind.
Another thing is that when kids are involved, kids learn and repeat their environment. So, another cycle of generational trauma and generational insecurities get passed down.
This video goes for any couple.
Wow! This was my marriage. I was extremely lonely in my marriage. I will allow myself to feel lonely only because I am actually all alone. Nothing worse than having a person sitting right next to you but feel completely alone. My alcoholism got worse too. He earned the version of me that he had. I have nearly 17 years of sobriety now. I am the happiest I have been and I am single. Life is too short to be in a horrible marriage. I’m grateful I can be alone. God is truly all I need, if that’s my only option. ❤
Thank you for sharing. Your comment, especially the sentence "He earned the version of me that he had" has healed something in me. God bless you!! Sending you love and prayers ❤⭐
You are right on the money!!!! I’m a marriage therapist and I try to tell my couples this!!!! Good for you for researching and doing the work!! I’m forwarding this to all my couples!!!!!
I’ve easily watched thousands of videos, and this is the most profound I’ve yet to see! My daughter and I were talking the other day, and I made the statement, “It’s not that he doesn’t do things for me, but he’s not doing the things I so desperately need.” She said, That’s it right there, Mom!” It seems there are a lot of unhealthy marriages.
I hope your daughter is not a child, because it’s wrong to discuss such stuff with children
@@Alloniya My youngest is 35; my oldest 39. We’ve always had very open and honest conversations but never discussed their father’s and mine relational issues until they were adults and had issues of their own. Even then, I only discussed them if they asked if we had ever dealt with this or that.
I have been married 42 years and when asked how we have stayed together so long the answer is always communication. Yes we have had tough times and yes we get angry at each other but after a short cooling off time we talk about it and work it out. I know I have not always been easy to live with but I can accept this and make changes when needed. Coming from a younger man this is some of the best insight that can be given. You can say that the work in a marriage needs to be 50/50 but the effort to get there needs to be 100/100. Meaning if you only put in 50% effort you're already behind.
Well said sir. I wish you well, as well as another 20 years happily married, or more!
When you said, "she goes and reads in another room alone," that one got me. 😢
He sits on his phone. I sit outside.
Yes, he’s teaching me to live without him.
Ditto we went thru dinner one night out and he was on his phone the whole time. 😢
What other choice do you really get, if you are on the mute button?
I would go into another room and iron. I got more emotional connection with the laundry than I did from him.
When I left, he claimed he owned everything that was in "his house." I'm much richer without his "stuff," even the gifts I got from my family, than I was living with him.
That’s what I do. I’m sick of my 60-something yo husband still playing obnoxious war-type video games on his big computer for hours on end. He’s acting like he’s still 25. Will you still be playing these dumb time-wasting video games when you’re 80?
Can’t you find a more constructive hobby? Can’t we do things together? Guess not …
You're such a godsend. It makes me tear up listening to you because you just get it. Im in a relationship with a guy with ASD and he has no idea, no matter how much you explain it to him, how he makes me feel so unloved and unwanted. My soul is slowly dying
Lol, you are just bored. I hope men see this video too. Not for the so called reasons women say. But to understand that it is a stupid choice for a man to get married. This dude is smug now, but he won't be when she divorces him. And she WILL divorce him..
@@madkabalI'm sorry.
I absolutely love this post, so many truths. Had my now ex-husband even put in minimal effort in any of these areas I wouldn’t have felt so alone in our marriage - and you’re correct, the relationship was dying on the vine for years regardless of how I tried to express it to him.
I save most of your videos to watch again or to share with my friends. We can all learn how to be better partners and to communicate our needs in a better and more productive way. Thank you for spelling it out with real examples 💕
I felt so incredibly lonely being with my emotionally unavailable ex - much more than I ever did when we weren’t together. He taught me how to be content being on my own. He encouraged my independence so he could have his space. And now I’m so much happier being on my own with my dog and he doesn’t understand. He used to tell me don’t treat me like a child and tell me something over and over. I wouldn’t have tried to say the same thing more than once if I had felt heard and understood the first time. In eighteen years he told me he loved me three times … as I was giving up and walking out the door, as he begged me not to leave because he loved me. Too little too late. Even then I went back and tried again but not the last time.
The same story of so many. Men are inherently self centred and entitled - because they have been allowed to be. But clearly, Enough is now enough and things are changing. Women are choosing not to always be the sacrificial lamb when there’s no reciprocity, and in most cases - depreciation and indifference to our efforts.
That is exactly my story as well (without the dog, though). I went back 2 times as I truly loved him and wanted to give him the opportunity to try again. I had hoped that the separation had allowed him time for self reflection. It was obvious that it was only a ruse. Both he and his daughter treated me with disrespect. He excused her disrespectful behavior anytime she attacked me, and she is grown and living on her own. He would not protect the relationship. She was his priority. Never me.
@@Scoop2341 ugh I will never date a man with kids again, especially a daughter. Plus you don't have to deal with any annoying evil baby mamas. I feel for you.
I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and I am learning not to need him. He is doing everything you said kills a marriage. I have been saying this to him for years.
Don't waste any more time...every day counts! Run!!xx
The women's version of how to fix this would likely be very different. It's hard when you already resent him; but gratitude is a massive motivator for men. It can be super difficult, to the point that when he gets around to a chore or finally interacts with you in a way you wished he would, that can just remind you how mad you were waiting for it.
After true forgiveness, it takes vigilance to find something positive and pounce on it to let him see it make you happy. You may have inadvertently punished him for getting around to things or being good to you in the past, so there might be some unexpected baggage to work through on that.
On another note, it seems to be in the lore that women need to feel connected and intimate to want sex, and men need sex to feel connected and to unlock their tender side. That can be a great feedback loop that keeps everybody happy. When it breaks down, somebody's got to go first. This guy is getting at the man's side of the equation. The women's side will be different; and part of it might involve being physical and initiating as a true selfless act of love. Again, depending on the amount of rejection he's experienced, there might be some baggage to work through.
What is stopping you leaving?
Time to face the truth
Married over fifty years now and all we’ve done is live together….😢have never had a life TOGETHER..
thank you Jimmy for helping others to save their marriage❤
I begged and cried for years for my husband to see me, hear me, telling him I was so lonely being at home raising our children, I was so vulnerable and sat in front of him crying my eyes out, he usually called me ungrateful and needy and he sometimes didn’t look up from his phone. It was so humiliating. I don’t love my husband anymore, I gave up, I don’t want to be near him, I’m only here for the kids. He stopped caring, and finally, so did I.
Looks like you got your wish for being a stay at home mom lol! Women are never happy!
I hope that you find a way to get the love you deserve even if it's from yourself.
@@jamimunchkin7041 Thank you 🥰
Please go to counseling, alone if you have to. It will do you good.
Been there!!! The kids will be happy if you are. Even in the midst of struggle. There is a peace there. The peace is more calm and ❤ than a forced understanding.
I'm not married, I'm not even interested in marriage, but I still love watching your videos. Maybe it was watching my parent's failed marriage and just seeing a guy talk like this is strange and so different from what I see around me. Very refreshing. I hope this will be much more common in future generations.
Okay, I'm guilty as sin here, though in this case, I'm the wife. I know I work too much lately. My job demands it but the reality is, I'm choosing my job because I love my job. It's the best one I've ever had. But I've come to realize I should remind myself that my husband needs time and attention, too, even when I'm tired. I started making a point to ask him how _his_ work is going, how _his_ hobby is coming along, how _he's_ feeling in general, how _he's_ enjoying our relationship, heck, just inviting him to go on a walk with me on the weekend. It's made a huge difference.
I too am guilty and am the wife.
I’m 68 years old and I discovered your channel recently. I’m glad I did! I follow several good relationship coaches but you have swiftly moved to the top of my list. Each of your videos contains so many ‘pearls of wisdom’ that I could listen over and over again and learn something new each time. I’m a divorced woman, and looking, even at this stage in my life, for a close and meaningful relationship. I will continue to follow your videos. Thank you so much! 😊
This is 100% spot on. I’ve been married for over 40 years and I’m a cook and maid with a roommate.
I hear you
Maybe it’s time to emancipate yourself and live the rest of your life for YOU❤
Same here
Why would you stick around if you feel so ill treated?? You benefit from the divorce.. it makes zero sense..
I am very sorry that you allowed that to happen. I’ve been married 42 years and it just gets better
In the process of getting divorced, never thought I would be divorced, tried for the last 5 years to help him through his childhood stuff. I worked on my mountains of childhood stuff, I am far from perfect but the marriage was one sided and he was/is a narcissist (covert). 30 years and it's over. Mixed feelings. Thank you for your effective communication of the subject, well done you for sorting your own sh*t out, it takes courage and strength to really, honestly look at yourself, I will always have a love for him but we need to move on.
There's a new word for that type of neglect: "husbandonment". There's a lot of married single mothers out there, and single women? We watch, we learn, and we opt out. And the time comes for some of those women to make the single mom status official and drop the baggage of an absentee partner.
Yes I was a married single mum for 16 years. So much easier without one extra lot of cleaning and washing...
You have to ask why, though. No one in a marriage is perfect. We all contribute more than we realize.
Unless the husband is just that uncaring, there may be more to it.
A lot of men work too much because they finally get respect and feel value and worth at work...but not at home.
Treat a good man like he is valued and wanted and he will move heaven and earth for you.
Great word.
Yes!! I had a friend with a partner who cheats and had a kid out of their relationship WHILE she was pregnant with his kid. She would send pics of entire pots with lids stacked in the refrigerator, and constantly talk about how he lies and how it hurts her. I felt for her. And I don’t want that for myself
@@davidm4566
Did you even watch the video?
So true, my friend went through this for years… until her husband started cheating and when she finally ended things… people wondered how she moved on from him with ease. Because for the last year he was absent, she was with him and the kids but did everything without him. 😢 but he wasn’t good for her or their 6 kids… it’s just sad that now they have to learn to get know her new beau.
It hurt a lot in my marriage because while dating my wife and other women before her, I was much more aware of a lot of the things that you mentioned here. The issues started up after we got married and moved in together. She already had a 2 year old and a life apart from me. I knew that he was her No. 1 so I just tried my best to fit around that. Without any conversations though, I fell into the very easy routine of just asking her what she needed from me. It started with good intentions, but quickly I became another person to take care of instead of a partner. It took years to unlearn and is still taking a lot of communication that neither of us were very good at to get to where we are now (still struggling). We have 3 kids now (including my oldest, the aforementioned 2 year old) and now my wife can say more positive things about me than just “you’re an amazing dad”.
Keep fighting FOR the marriage instead of against it like so many people do. She needs to be asking you what your needs are as well. It takes teamwork. At least you're trying!
Did you even wanted kids at the first place?
This is painful to hear, everyone deserves so much love and devotion, we truly want to be seen 😭😭😭😭
Watching this made me realise how lovely my husband is and how he’s got all his priorities right for our marriage. Definitely something we need to continue to work on and actively maintain!
After 27 years of marriage, this man nailed it perfectly, on what happens in a marriag, when a man becomes neglectful to himself and to his family. I would also like to add, the lack of support, the desire to punish, the silent treatment, to use excuses, to fill the conversation with only speaking about themselves, and the lack of desire to be strong with your wife together, not separately, create a road to nowhere but divorce.
When a wife desires to save a marriage, does everything she can, tries to communicate in whatever way possible, and it still given a deaf ear and a blind eye, it is impossible for that marriage to be saved. It really does take both people doing their part.
For the ladies out there, when your man says he doesn't know if it will be good enough, or if he will ever be good enough, that is a very big red flag, it is an excuse, and if he can't let go of using that excuse, there will be no growth in that marriage.
What makes me sad is I have talked to my husband and told him how I feel. Im not leaving him in the dark with how isolated and unappreciated I feel. But nothing changes. Which shows me where I stand. So im at the point where i have my answer.
Im thankful for this video because it helped me stop gaslighting myself. I've started to think I was being too emotional for having needs for connection... because of how he responds. This at least gave me peace to know I'm not the only woman who struggles, and I'm not crazy for it.
If my first husband would’ve listened to this, we’d still be married. Thankfully my second husband does all this and more!
I hope I am able to move up and trade in the junk yard heap I’ve been driving for 28 years. Trade up is needed! SO happy for YOU to be successful
I’m sure you held zero responsibility for your marriage imploding. Women never do negative, hurtful, or vindictive things. All your husbands needs were selflessly met and you played no part in the marriage failing.
Both sides stop making efforts. Marriages fail because both stop communicating about their needs in a constructive way. “If he cared he would figure it out” never happens.
Are there exceptions where it’s only partner failing yes but it’s rare.
I’m sorry you went through that. You need to take some ownership in that painful failure. Or don’t.
I hope your second marriage stays happy and healthy. Have a good one
@@mi5jasonbut there are a common thing in marriages where the woman is expected to have a full time job, take care of the kids and do the house work meanwhile the only thing the man does is the full time job. The women gets exhausted by constantly doing this. The man takes what the women do for granted, doesn’t want to get involved in their kids life that much and don’t want to help their wife when they’re exhausted from everything they have to do in the house. Many years go by and then in the end the woman has enough. If you read the comments here a lot of what I divorced women and women who are in unhappy marriages are in that exact same situation
@mi5jason while you have some points as far as everyone needs to reflect on their part in things, your comment feels a bit like projecting. Many people find themselves trying to improve while the other person stagnates, and that's just not sustainable longterm. And that could be men or women, etc.
My husband is wonderful as well and I am grateful every day. This is all good advice for every human!
I've been married for over 30 years and, let me say, you have got it down pat! Well said! These things may sound threatening to many men, but remember your wife chose you and she chose you because she wanted to be with you. These are threats, they are your keys to a long, happy marriage. Always remember, when things are hard, that you and your wife are on the same team. 💜
This is all so confusing because I also agreed with this man since before I got married. I was raised in a household full of women. I can go shopping with my wife and not only be present, but an active participant in what dresses I like and I don't; and I'm not feminine at all yet I feel perfectly fine walking around in Victoria's Secret with her and now our daughter. And despite my listening and executing all over again the things I was already doing for the relationship, she'd express her dissatisfaction because I wasn't doing what I supposed to even as I was doing it. One day I figured I should just stop, not even trying, I didn't have to try it came out naturally from me, but I quit providing her with emotional support and attentive ears, I stopped giving her my all in hopes that once gone she would realize she had it. Nope. She filed for divorce and claims I never tried to save us even as she kept trying and trying but there was only so much she could do. Now she is looking for a new man and for what I hear, she wants one with exactly the same characteristics of the one she just dumped.
I think you got a typo, near the bottom "These are threats, they are your keys to a long, happy marriage." I think you meant "these are *not threats".
Unbelievably perceptive. I lived for 25 years with a man like this. The exhaustion and loneliness were soul crushing. When I left him life was so much easier because I had been doing everything by myself all along, but now I didn’t have to live with the burden of him devaluing me and our children. Yes, he taught me and our two children to live without him. I used to joke with my friends that I was a single mother without dating privileges. Men this is REAL, and if you care about your marriage, listen to this valuable advice.
"Single mom but without dating privelages". That's so spot on for so many women who's husbands travel and work overtime.
Good for you for leaving! I hope you're enjoying the freedom and peace that singlehood brings. Sometimes remaining single is way more fulfilling.
@@BigHeartNoBS yes I am. Thank you for your good wishes. Cheers from 🇨🇦❤️
Most guys don’t want a relationship with a single mom, even if your married to him....
When I left my ex, the only extra chores on my list (as well as working) was putting out the trash. I got my son to do that and so nothing changed. Objectively less work since I was looking after 3 people - myself and two kids (one with disability) rather than 4. Oh and I left because I found yet another affair was happening.
Life got better. 👍🏼
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