It took me being a doormat and still being stomped on for years for me to learn to set boundaries. I believe in you, you can do it! If they are angry at you setting boundaries to protect yourself, then that means they don't value your wellbeing as equally as they view their own, which means they aren't worthy of being so important to you that you even care that they are upset by setting that boundary. You will find people who not only respect your boundaries but want you to have them because they understand their benefits to your happiness. Good luck!
@@littlepapaya Yes!!! You phrased all of that so well. People/friends who don't respect your boundaries aren't worthy to be your friend or have a relationship with you. You deserve peace and happiness.
Watching this, "You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness" My cat: "MEOWWWW" Me: *sigh* "She's talking about people babe. I'm still going to worship you."
"You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness." I'm so glad Anna included this one!! This is a big one I'm only starting to learn and work on in my early 20s. Growing up as a people pleaser, it feels good to not put pressure on myself that it's my responsibility to make people happy. I've done my own soul-searching to find my happiness and everyone else needs to too.
Notes/Summary: 1. You're not responsible for . . . anyone else's happiness, but you are responsible for your own --> u can't control how others perceive u, don't force yourself to be happy around others, not required to help when ur busy 2. You're not responsible for . . . anyone's reaction to your boundaries, but you are responsible for setting them --> ppl r gunna get mad when they don't benefit from your boundary [as expected] 3. You're not responsible for . . . your trauma, but you are responsible for healing it --> let the trauma go, don't let it hold you back, just keep going :)
You can’t let trauma go, it’s shaped you into a distorted version of who you really are. Processing & healing will repair you back into who you truly are. Like say a stranger walks into a house & punches a hole in the wall. Is it the wall’s fault? No. Is it the house owner’s fault? No. It’s the strangers fault. But… the stranger RAN AWAY! Tf??? Now we have 2 choices: it’s the house owner’s responsibility to locate the hole & supplies to patch the hole up, sand it down, and then paint over it. Now the wall is complete again. What if the house owner ignores the hole? They eventually stop going into the living room so they can avoid seeing the hole. They forget there’s a hole. And they forget how to fully live. They stay angry with the stranger and think about how much they hate them for punching a hole. Trying to reason why a stranger would ever come in to punch the wall-they might even believe there was something wrong with the wall to begin with. They start to hate the wall for existing.. believing this wall was always the problem. They think it’s better if they punch more holes in the wall to show the wall what a problem it is. They start to hate the living room bc it has that awful damaged wall attached to it. They don’t want to live anymore. I wish everyone the ability & the strength to find whatever truly heals their wall ♥️♥️♥️
“It’s my responsibility as a woman to rehabilitate a damaged man.” Boy, did I feel that one. (Not related, but I am OBSESSED with your pink top from the talking head bit. So cute! 🥰🥰🥰)
We all want to help and heal our loved ones, but it becomes codependent when we're hurting ourselves to do it. Keep loving others, but remember to love yourself just as much.
I have been the target of this attitude. Sometimes the "help" is more like condescending control, and is not welcome nor requested. Thank god for divorce.
Lol I did make me laugh watching Anna acting like an abstaining toddler reaching for her smartphone, then touching it not to grab it. I've seen toddlers act like that.
If you want results things to happen success in life what your definition and goals are yes peoples reactions are your responsibility. Just like say a chemical solution or wiring a car . It's something we all learn a little as babies a basic skill how predict reactions. . It doesn't mean your dishonest if at very least you should have those skills if you people to understand want your trying to communicate . Often get the wrong idea
@@didito I mainly try to focus on letting go of control. So it's like noticing in the moment when I might be feeling like I can control someone's emotions or I am responsible for someone's sadness and reminding myself to focus on my own emotions and reminding myself how impossible it is to feel responsible for someone else.
Trying to fix other people’s problems to the extent that is damaging to me is a lesson I’m still learning. A habit that’s hard to break. Setting boundaries and learning to say no without explanation or apology is life altering. Not sure how much I’ve paid for therapy learning that lesson.
saying no without explanation? i wouldn't count on that being a good thing. having explanations helps you see whether things are actually bad for you, and not just acutely displeasing. understanding what the reason for something is and being able to verbalise/articulate it is a superpower, which can easily be honed this way. explanation is not justification, it's merely the logic with which you trace your feeling to a cause, hopefully a reasonable one.
I used to be super afraid of setting boundaries cos I didnt know how friends would react. Tbh I thought they would leave me if I told them my boundary and Id be left with no friends
The 3rd point is the difference between blame and responsibility. People can be blamed for what you're going through but you're responsible for getting it together.
this is so necessary! as a person who’s often putting herself second and trying to help others over herself, I can say that this so true. I’m often having to hold myself back, or I get so exhausted.
I'm the same way, as I've gotten better at practicing establishing better boundaries I have to often have to hold myself back and remind myself that other people's happiness is not up to me, and ultimately it's their responsibility. It's really hard when you just want your friends to be happy and think you see simple solutions to their problems, but they have to be the ones willing to take those steps and make those changes. That's been the hardest lesson for me.
Although it's normal for friends to make each other happy, nobody likes it when people pleasers do it at the expense of themselves. Obviously no one wants to see someone stressed when trying to cheer you up (they are more transparent than they think) but then the other person has to pretend to be cheered up a bit or the people pleaser just won't stop. Results in resentment going both ways.
I tried this to my mom this week, and today she asked me "Is there something wrong with you? You seems change. You're not kind as usual." I'm a people pleaser and for the past days I try to tell people "no" when deep inside I actually wanna say no, but I usually say yes just because. Some of them think I'm rude now, including my mom.
We recently had to set boundaries with an in-law and it is one of the best decisions we have made. I cannot recommend boundary setting enough with parental figures, siblings, etc.
I really thought her hand would finally get to the phone and then end up knocking it off the edge and she would really let the whining fly. I was ready to say, "Saw that coming."
“You are here on this channel” I’ve never felt so attacked as a quiet viewer of RUclips. I’m kidding. Love you Anna. Thanks for spreading awareness and taking the time to make videos. It’s a super helpful reminder to take care of ourselves.
“You’re not responsible for your trauma but you are responsible for your healing.” This includes your triggers! Your triggers are no one’s responsibility except yourself. Stop telling other people it’s their responsibility to avoid your triggers, it’s yours to heal from them.
yikes 🙄 let's refer back to boundaries, cause triggers sure are boundaries. and people are valid for enforcing them. if they can't talk about certain things, they shouldnt be pushed to. if being constantly reminded of certain things is detrimental to one's healing process at the moment, they shouldnt be villainised for setting that boundary; for disengaging from those people. but as anna explained so poignantly, i'm not surprised there are those who push back on ppl's boundaries because they cant be bothered, but just know that by putting out that energy it just might come back around to you as well. while it's not other people's responsibility to respect your own triggers, it is very much your right to disengage or call them out if they keep disrespecting them. it has a lot to do with mutual respect.
@@amoonheart i think that is not what op was referring to. I think it is about how we throw all the charge onto others when it comes to triggers, specially when others talk about some things maybe you find triggering and you blame them for doing it when it was a) not in a forceful or harmful way and b) maybe they didn't even know it was a trigger for you. People are in no way responsible for knowing every single trigger of yours so blaming them for not take it into account it is not okay, it is your responsibility to set your boundaries and protect yourself from triggering situations not others, specially in social media, ppl can't start putting trigger warnings in every daily aspects of their lives for your commodity, it is your take to do it yourself and protect YOURSELF from harmful situations in a virtual space and in real life.
@@monoko1992 totally agree. I broke up with a friend because he is always triggered by something someone did or I did. He is always angry at the world, and all his life problems were always someone else’s fault. He clearly has a lot to figure out but despite my suggestion to seek professional advise, he never did and won’t. Eventually all his “boundaries” on what I was allowed to say or do around him became too much to bear and I had to say my farewell to him. We cannot be responsible for broken people. And if you realize you are setting too many boundaries, because you easily get triggered, perhaps it’s time to seek help? Take responsibility for your own healing and stop blaming others for your triggers. There’s so much your loved ones can do to accommodate all your intolerances.
There goes Anna Akana: narrating my life once again. Thanks for the reminder, stranger on the internet. I value the impact your videos have on my psyche.
I always used to guess and workshop people's moods and reactions to me and it was exhausting. Or trying to keep up a sunny demeanor even when I wasn't happy to keep the peace. Now I make space for myself to be sad and for others to be sad too without trying to improve their emotions. Not my job.
Just came back to your channel after a year or so of being away. I had forgotten how incredible of a person you are. I wish that as my life draws to an end, I was surrounded by people such as yourself. Your joy of life is amazing. Be happy, Anna.
I had a realization recently that my people pleasing was a trauma response to being ignored alot or trying to keep myself safe. I was constantly scanning everyone around me and molding myself to their expectations so I wouldnt be left alone or not see something coming. Hilarious part is people who benefit from that eventually do leave you alone anyway, especially when you most need them. So now I’m contending with turning that attention inward.
It's intoxicatingly impressive how designated driver Anna didn't take her job Coors Light-ly and so easily knocked that over the limit beer from her friend's hand.
Everything Anna said here, I learnt them the hard way, gained another trauma I’m still trying to declutter, and I fully regret everything I did and what I became. It’s better to have upset people with your boundaries now or regret and be traumatised later. Also acknowledging trauma is great but without accountability and the will to work on it, you’ll probably only come off as a jerk that gets served with other’s boundaries. Self improvement work is tough baybee! Also, happy belated birthday, Anna!
Of course we are partly responsible for how other people feel when we contribute to their lives, that's what relationships are about, that's where healthy accountability comes from, recognizing the effects of our influence on our loved ones is essential..
You made me think at,' you've probably experienced trauma since you're watching this channel.' I started watching this to understand how to help my son. I realize now that he is responsible for helping himself at 16yrs, and I need to heal from my traumas that I didn't know I had.
i love how i get to watch your videos and learn new things/give myself new things to think about, write out the key points so i can also talk to my therapist about everything, and all the while have my cat purring on my lap
As a person whose deadname is -"Michelle"- I will now only ever hear that name in your voice. Now it'll just make me smile and laugh. Thank you for this blessing over what always felt like a curse.
the second one is so true. Boundaries are too important to ignore just because someone reacts badly to your setting them. People will understand the next time
Your "Michelle?!...." moments reminded me of childhood when my mother would say "Who died and made you king?" or "What did your last slave die of?" You should have your own TV show.
"not my responsibility to rehabilitate damaged man" - 🤯whhhaaa🤯.. We really do need remind ourselves and eachother of this consistently to break that socialogical mindset
The thing is, everyone is broken at some level, so. What you call a "socialogical mindset" is much more profound than that and is certainly not limited to men. Humans are wired to fix things. Especially when those are important to us. It may be immature and damaging to think that we can fix everything by ourselves but it is not unhealthy to think that we can help someone in need of help to "fix" itself.
I remember how many former friends I either lost or had to cut from my life first because they dislike the particular way I was moving on from trauma And then because I ended a relationship over reasons that had to do with alcoholism and repeated rehab stays (I hope he's doing well but I could not deal with that being part of my life anymore.)
Of all the videos you’ve made, this has the most important message. You’re only responsible for yourself; your action and your reaction. Thank you Anna.
I have to compliment you on putting gems of wisdom amongst a bunch of funny clips. Best channel I have found in recent months. And I almost stopped following you because one of your videos frustrated me. Now I'm glad I stuck around.
So basically when you get people to continuously do remedial task you are trying to make them responsible for your happiness. OR vice versa if someone constantly has you doing remedial task they are trying to make you responsible for their happiness. My mom thought this pandemic. I learn so much on this channel. This is like sesame street for healing adults. Educational, succinct and fun.
Recovering savior complex here🙋♀️I’m still going into a helping profession, but I’m done having bad boundaries in my personal life and done focusing more on other peoples problems over my own. I realized I was trying to save others to distract myself from facing and healing my own trauma and taking care of my own needs. Redirecting the compassion and patience you’ve already had for others towards yourself instead- 10 out of 10 do recommend 🤗
yeah. Sometimes i just feel like i can feel others emotions so much clearer than mine, that i just end up focusing too much on other people and self sabotage lol. definitely working on it and getting my priorities in order xp
after graduating highschool and leaving the country i grew up in to my home country, it was when i started uni where i started reflecting that highschool has so much social pressure and if ur a loner ur a loser and if not EVERYBODY likes/tolerates you its the end of the world on the spot! I literally let go of the people-pleasing pressure/fear that i had throughout school and put myself first now regeardless, bc at the end of the day i have me and am me. Michelle's scenario was deadass a copy of what id go/gone through with people and fearing being disliked in the slightest.
I think the hardest thing to do in life is to have this balance. To understand that there are things you can't control and at the same time take accountability for the perspective you have of your own life. And boy is this hard
I mean i partially disagree with the first point because if someone breaks my heart they are responsible for my unhappiness, i do agree that its also my fault due to my perspective and the value i gave her to be in the position to break me in such way.
I'll never get over how my ex mistreated me, which led to me having a depressive episode and breaking up with him because: "I don't want to be in a relationship that makes me depressed." Then he complaining about how it's because of him therefore it's his responsibility to "fix my depression" and how dare I walk away from him, I clearly need him.
Setting boundaries can be really hard too. Your overly dramatic example was hilarious. I lived with a Narcissist parent who always created chaos in my life and always tried to involve me in her chaos. And when I set those boundaries, what I got was a lot of sincere "you don't love me" bullshit . . . and I had a lot of experience with this dynamic even as a child. It was manipulative. Those boundaries are often essential to heal that kind of trauma and protect you from toxic people. Sadly, many people in society will criticize you for setting such boundaries. "You shouldn't abandon/reject your parents/family" . . . or . . . "They're family."
Great advice, Anna. Unfortunately, many people just don't listen to good advice. I've been telling someone for years to stop stressing over her family's destructive life choices, she can't help them because they do not want to change. Also, don't stress or dwell over something you cannot change or that has happened in the past. Maybe someday she will listen, but I doubt it. I do hope your advice helps some people though.
I recently learned that it's not my job to set other people's boundaries for them. I do my best to respect what I think they are, but if they never say anything or set any boundaries and then get resentful, that's not my problem.
You have no idea how many “women” have ghosted me after I tell them it’s not my job to make them happy or that it’s not my job to tear down their walls.
I need to learn this and my mom really needs to learn this. I understand my mom is my mom and she will always want to care for everything I do, but my mental health is stressing her out a lot and making her very unhappy. I don’t want her to be unhappy, I want her to learn to let go of me a little bit, cause I am her daughter yes, but she doesn’t have to be responsible for everything I do to myself, all the times I’m unhappy, all the times I am happy, I just want her to take care of herself before she does me
I saw this quote somewhere: "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." I love it.
Thanks for sharing. Sums it up perfectly.
Nice. I'm using this.
Of course you're not... unless someone supplies you with gasoline that is :D
Wow...
That's such a gd quote
Excellent quote.
I love how they broke character at the phone bit, and kept it in cause it was so funny
I love how far they took that scene! 😂
Best part
It was truly a great moment.
MICHELLE i CAN'T DO IT 😂
💯 I love seeing that they are really really having fun with these helpful videos. 😅
People getting triggered when I set boundaries is my nightmare as a people pleaser.
Same
It took me being a doormat and still being stomped on for years for me to learn to set boundaries. I believe in you, you can do it! If they are angry at you setting boundaries to protect yourself, then that means they don't value your wellbeing as equally as they view their own, which means they aren't worthy of being so important to you that you even care that they are upset by setting that boundary. You will find people who not only respect your boundaries but want you to have them because they understand their benefits to your happiness. Good luck!
@@littlepapaya
Yes!!! You phrased all of that so well. People/friends who don't respect your boundaries aren't worthy to be your friend or have a relationship with you. You deserve peace and happiness.
It can give you perverse joy to cause unhappiness by protecting your own. Enjoy it!
It certainly happened to me before lol, honestly in that moment just stick to your boundaries firmly.
Watching this, "You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness"
My cat: "MEOWWWW"
Me: *sigh* "She's talking about people babe. I'm still going to worship you."
Accurate 😂
"You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness." I'm so glad Anna included this one!! This is a big one I'm only starting to learn and work on in my early 20s. Growing up as a people pleaser, it feels good to not put pressure on myself that it's my responsibility to make people happy. I've done my own soul-searching to find my happiness and everyone else needs to too.
The concept is spreading through society regardless of age. Society is evolving.
@Sam Blaine
Yes, Sam!! I love it. Steps toward personal growth isn't always easy, but it's honestly so rewarding.
I only started learning this too, so has my mom. I wish I learned this so much earlier than life but better late than never!
Everytime I put my needs in front of others I get called selfish, because people are scared that I don't make it my job to please them
It's great unless they end up dying on you and you had a chance to say or prevent it, but didn't.
Notes/Summary:
1. You're not responsible for . . . anyone else's happiness, but you are responsible for your own
--> u can't control how others perceive u, don't force yourself to be happy around others, not required to help when ur busy
2. You're not responsible for . . . anyone's reaction to your boundaries, but you are responsible for setting them
--> ppl r gunna get mad when they don't benefit from your boundary [as expected]
3. You're not responsible for . . . your trauma, but you are responsible for healing it
--> let the trauma go, don't let it hold you back, just keep going :)
You can’t let trauma go, it’s shaped you into a distorted version of who you really are. Processing & healing will repair you back into who you truly are.
Like say a stranger walks into a house & punches a hole in the wall. Is it the wall’s fault? No. Is it the house owner’s fault? No. It’s the strangers fault. But… the stranger RAN AWAY! Tf???
Now we have 2 choices:
it’s the house owner’s responsibility to locate the hole & supplies to patch the hole up, sand it down, and then paint over it. Now the wall is complete again.
What if the house owner ignores the hole?
They eventually stop going into the living room so they can avoid seeing the hole. They forget there’s a hole. And they forget how to fully live. They stay angry with the stranger and think about how much they hate them for punching a hole.
Trying to reason why a stranger would ever come in to punch the wall-they might even believe there was something wrong with the wall to begin with. They start to hate the wall for existing.. believing this wall was always the problem. They think it’s better if they punch more holes in the wall to show the wall what a problem it is.
They start to hate the living room bc it has that awful damaged wall attached to it. They don’t want to live anymore.
I wish everyone the ability & the strength to find whatever truly heals their wall ♥️♥️♥️
“It’s my responsibility as a woman to rehabilitate a damaged man.” Boy, did I feel that one.
(Not related, but I am OBSESSED with your pink top from the talking head bit. So cute! 🥰🥰🥰)
Over it! I don’t do that kind of charity work no more💁♀️ Life is better in retirement from sadbois🍹😎
I know a couple of women who unfortunately have that as their mission 😞
Me too
We all want to help and heal our loved ones, but it becomes codependent when we're hurting ourselves to do it. Keep loving others, but remember to love yourself just as much.
I have been the target of this attitude. Sometimes the "help" is more like condescending control, and is not welcome nor requested. Thank god for divorce.
I grew up being a people pleaser. This lesson is vital to know now just as much as in my past
That first point is really important. If you can’t or don’t look after yourself then you’ll really struggle to help anyone else.
Lol I did make me laugh watching Anna acting like an abstaining toddler reaching for her smartphone, then touching it not to grab it. I've seen toddlers act like that.
Lol indeed
I’ve experienced adults acting like this while they are getting dialysis and they can’t find their phone among the pile of blankets they have on
Too relatable. My therapist recently told me I feel way too responsible for other people's emotions. It's something I'm trying to really work on :)
Same here. I hope you'll do well :)
If you want results things to happen success in life what your definition and goals are yes peoples reactions are your responsibility. Just like say a chemical solution or wiring a car . It's something we all learn a little as babies a basic skill how predict reactions. . It doesn't mean your dishonest if at very least you should have those skills if you people to understand want your trying to communicate . Often get the wrong idea
How are you working on it? I absolutely need to work on this as well!
Just wait til you become a parent. Oh man is it rough.
@@didito I mainly try to focus on letting go of control. So it's like noticing in the moment when I might be feeling like I can control someone's emotions or I am responsible for someone's sadness and reminding myself to focus on my own emotions and reminding myself how impossible it is to feel responsible for someone else.
I hope Michelle is well and practising self care in every moment
Trying to fix other people’s problems to the extent that is damaging to me is a lesson I’m still learning. A habit that’s hard to break. Setting boundaries and learning to say no without explanation or apology is life altering. Not sure how much I’ve paid for therapy learning that lesson.
saying no without explanation? i wouldn't count on that being a good thing. having explanations helps you see whether things are actually bad for you, and not just acutely displeasing. understanding what the reason for something is and being able to verbalise/articulate it is a superpower, which can easily be honed this way. explanation is not justification, it's merely the logic with which you trace your feeling to a cause, hopefully a reasonable one.
I love the message you have in these videos Anna! I need this constant reminder.
OMG!! Jeanelle
Yea! Good going Annal!
I used to be super afraid of setting boundaries cos I didnt know how friends would react. Tbh I thought they would leave me if I told them my boundary and Id be left with no friends
Same! It turns out I was right, but it turns out they were shitty friends. Healthy boundaries are respected by healthy friends!
The 3rd point is the difference between blame and responsibility. People can be blamed for what you're going through but you're responsible for getting it together.
this is so necessary! as a person who’s often putting herself second and trying to help others over herself, I can say that this so true. I’m often having to hold myself back, or I get so exhausted.
I'm the same way, as I've gotten better at practicing establishing better boundaries I have to often have to hold myself back and remind myself that other people's happiness is not up to me, and ultimately it's their responsibility. It's really hard when you just want your friends to be happy and think you see simple solutions to their problems, but they have to be the ones willing to take those steps and make those changes. That's been the hardest lesson for me.
Although it's normal for friends to make each other happy, nobody likes it when people pleasers do it at the expense of themselves. Obviously no one wants to see someone stressed when trying to cheer you up (they are more transparent than they think) but then the other person has to pretend to be cheered up a bit or the people pleaser just won't stop. Results in resentment going both ways.
As adults we are responsible for our actions and reactions. Setting boundaries is so crucial. Don't let anyone take advantage of the good in you.
I tried this to my mom this week, and today she asked me "Is there something wrong with you? You seems change. You're not kind as usual."
I'm a people pleaser and for the past days I try to tell people "no" when deep inside I actually wanna say no, but I usually say yes just because. Some of them think I'm rude now, including my mom.
You're setting boundaries, they're just suprised they can't push you around like a rag doll with your words and etc
@@ArtemimiOCE thanks... I'm just afraid if they don't like the real me.
We recently had to set boundaries with an in-law and it is one of the best decisions we have made. I cannot recommend boundary setting enough with parental figures, siblings, etc.
This whole channel being my big sister and giving me advice about life is just amazing
I really thought her hand would finally get to the phone and then end up knocking it off the edge and she would really let the whining fly. I was ready to say, "Saw that coming."
“You are here on this channel”
I’ve never felt so attacked as a quiet viewer of RUclips.
I’m kidding. Love you Anna. Thanks for spreading awareness and taking the time to make videos. It’s a super helpful reminder to take care of ourselves.
“You’re not responsible for your trauma but you are responsible for your healing.” This includes your triggers! Your triggers are no one’s responsibility except yourself. Stop telling other people it’s their responsibility to avoid your triggers, it’s yours to heal from them.
yikes 🙄 let's refer back to boundaries, cause triggers sure are boundaries. and people are valid for enforcing them. if they can't talk about certain things, they shouldnt be pushed to. if being constantly reminded of certain things is detrimental to one's healing process at the moment, they shouldnt be villainised for setting that boundary; for disengaging from those people. but as anna explained so poignantly, i'm not surprised there are those who push back on ppl's boundaries because they cant be bothered, but just know that by putting out that energy it just might come back around to you as well.
while it's not other people's responsibility to respect your own triggers, it is very much your right to disengage or call them out if they keep disrespecting them. it has a lot to do with mutual respect.
@@amoonheart Thanks you.
@@amoonheart i think that is not what op was referring to. I think it is about how we throw all the charge onto others when it comes to triggers, specially when others talk about some things maybe you find triggering and you blame them for doing it when it was a) not in a forceful or harmful way and b) maybe they didn't even know it was a trigger for you. People are in no way responsible for knowing every single trigger of yours so blaming them for not take it into account it is not okay, it is your responsibility to set your boundaries and protect yourself from triggering situations not others, specially in social media, ppl can't start putting trigger warnings in every daily aspects of their lives for your commodity, it is your take to do it yourself and protect YOURSELF from harmful situations in a virtual space and in real life.
AMEN!!!!
@@monoko1992 totally agree. I broke up with a friend because he is always triggered by something someone did or I did. He is always angry at the world, and all his life problems were always someone else’s fault. He clearly has a lot to figure out but despite my suggestion to seek professional advise, he never did and won’t. Eventually all his “boundaries” on what I was allowed to say or do around him became too much to bear and I had to say my farewell to him. We cannot be responsible for broken people. And if you realize you are setting too many boundaries, because you easily get triggered, perhaps it’s time to seek help? Take responsibility for your own healing and stop blaming others for your triggers. There’s so much your loved ones can do to accommodate all your intolerances.
There goes Anna Akana: narrating my life once again. Thanks for the reminder, stranger on the internet. I value the impact your videos have on my psyche.
"You are not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for healing it" this one hit hard!
"The human brain is super complex and advanced."
- The Human Brain
obama handing himself a medal
Hahah :)
Omg hiiii I’m your biggest fan :):):)
This is the second time I’ve found you! Lol
Its because its complex that we make complex problems when life is just easier when you make things simpler
I always used to guess and workshop people's moods and reactions to me and it was exhausting. Or trying to keep up a sunny demeanor even when I wasn't happy to keep the peace. Now I make space for myself to be sad and for others to be sad too without trying to improve their emotions. Not my job.
Just came back to your channel after a year or so of being away. I had forgotten how incredible of a person you are. I wish that as my life draws to an end, I was surrounded by people such as yourself. Your joy of life is amazing. Be happy, Anna.
I had a realization recently that my people pleasing was a trauma response to being ignored alot or trying to keep myself safe. I was constantly scanning everyone around me and molding myself to their expectations so I wouldnt be left alone or not see something coming. Hilarious part is people who benefit from that eventually do leave you alone anyway, especially when you most need them. So now I’m contending with turning that attention inward.
It's intoxicatingly impressive how designated driver Anna didn't take her job Coors Light-ly and so easily knocked that over the limit beer from her friend's hand.
HOWWWW are you always posting stuff that directly correlate to my current issues?!??!
How am I just found this channel ??? Beautiful Lady with pearls of wisdom sharing and a great production ??? Hell Yeahhh
I love the "show bloopers with the skit" trend that has started happening. Makes it more funny when u see them break character.
Wish I had known all this when I was younger, I wasted so much time trying to make everyone happy but myself!
I love the phone bit because that's pretty much how people act when you set boundaries. Sheesh.
Everything Anna said here, I learnt them the hard way, gained another trauma I’m still trying to declutter, and I fully regret everything I did and what I became. It’s better to have upset people with your boundaries now or regret and be traumatised later. Also acknowledging trauma is great but without accountability and the will to work on it, you’ll probably only come off as a jerk that gets served with other’s boundaries. Self improvement work is tough baybee!
Also, happy belated birthday, Anna!
"You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness but you are responsible for your own" -- A^2. BARS!!!!
Of course we are partly responsible for how other people feel when we contribute to their lives, that's what relationships are about, that's where healthy accountability comes from, recognizing the effects of our influence on our loved ones is essential..
You made me think at,' you've probably experienced trauma since you're watching this channel.' I started watching this to understand how to help my son. I realize now that he is responsible for helping himself at 16yrs, and I need to heal from my traumas that I didn't know I had.
Granted, I'm still encouraging and supporting him.
i love how i get to watch your videos and learn new things/give myself new things to think about, write out the key points so i can also talk to my therapist about everything, and all the while have my cat purring on my lap
As a person whose deadname is -"Michelle"- I will now only ever hear that name in your voice. Now it'll just make me smile and laugh. Thank you for this blessing over what always felt like a curse.
Thank You Anna you are the voice for the voiceless.
I’m 60 years old and always learn something from Anna’s content. Thank you!
the second one is so true. Boundaries are too important to ignore just because someone reacts badly to your setting them. People will understand the next time
Definitely struggle with this as a highly sensitive "empathic" type and someone who likes to solve problems. And Pluto in the 6th house
Your "Michelle?!...." moments reminded me of childhood when my mother would say "Who died and made you king?" or "What did your last slave die of?" You should have your own TV show.
"not my responsibility to rehabilitate damaged man" - 🤯whhhaaa🤯.. We really do need remind ourselves and eachother of this consistently to break that socialogical mindset
The thing is, everyone is broken at some level, so. What you call a "socialogical mindset" is much more profound than that and is certainly not limited to men. Humans are wired to fix things. Especially when those are important to us. It may be immature and damaging to think that we can fix everything by ourselves but it is not unhealthy to think that we can help someone in need of help to "fix" itself.
Anna on the couch gave me big Jake from Adventure Time being sick energy.
"But Fiiiinn, I'm sIiIIicCk 🥺"
It might be difficult to set boundaries. It is difficult but it so good to set the boundaries. Thanks ana
I remember how many former friends I either lost or had to cut from my life first because they dislike the particular way I was moving on from trauma And then because I ended a relationship over reasons that had to do with alcoholism and repeated rehab stays (I hope he's doing well but I could not deal with that being part of my life anymore.)
"Don't let your trauma hold you back"
It's easier said than done.
The never ending Michelle made me fall from my bed because of laughing too much.
I don’t usually watch the squarespace part at the end, but she picked up a cat this time so I had to.
im not gonna lie, im much less interested in Squarespace when it isn't called daddy squarespace
The TRex arms and 'You're so unkind right now' had me busting up.😆😆
In short, take responsibility for yourself. Remember that guys every single day and thanks Anna for speeding the message
I love this! I've been hearing this from my family my whole life and tried to share this with my ex.
She loves Anna, maybe she'll listen to you.
I thought you did this very well. Using a bit of comedy to break any tension but keeping the message clear was a great idea. Good job. Good message.
Can't lie........... I love the casual, film-it-in-one-take approach. Also, it's a good message!
Of all the videos you’ve made, this has the most important message. You’re only responsible for yourself; your action and your reaction. Thank you Anna.
Thanks so much Anna. I'm currently struggling with boundary setting but it's important to KNOW you will face pushback
I have to compliment you on putting gems of wisdom amongst a bunch of funny clips. Best channel I have found in recent months. And I almost stopped following you because one of your videos frustrated me. Now I'm glad I stuck around.
QUEEEENNNN AGHHH THIS WAS PERFECT TIMING YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES YOUR CONTENT HAS SAVED ME!!!!!
same
So basically when you get people to continuously do remedial task you are trying to make them responsible for your happiness.
OR vice versa if someone constantly has you doing remedial task they are trying to make you responsible for their happiness.
My mom thought this pandemic. I learn so much on this channel. This is like sesame street for healing adults. Educational, succinct and fun.
How many people with savior complexes do we have here? 🙌
definitely me smh
Wohooo 🙋🏻♀️
I’m not sure I’ll just get ready to save them all.
Recovering savior complex here🙋♀️I’m still going into a helping profession, but I’m done having bad boundaries in my personal life and done focusing more on other peoples problems over my own. I realized I was trying to save others to distract myself from facing and healing my own trauma and taking care of my own needs. Redirecting the compassion and patience you’ve already had for others towards yourself instead- 10 out of 10 do recommend 🤗
yeah. Sometimes i just feel like i can feel others emotions so much clearer than mine, that i just end up focusing too much on other people and self sabotage lol. definitely working on it and getting my priorities in order xp
Not even related but she looks so beautiful in that shade of pink.
Sign of progress. She's not calling SquareSpace "daddy" anymore. 😳
I kinda miss it
@@PfEMP It was cute. Kinda like her "Stay awesome, Gotham."
For me, this might is the most important of your videos. Watched it several times already.
after graduating highschool and leaving the country i grew up in to my home country, it was when i started uni where i started reflecting that highschool has so much social pressure and if ur a loner ur a loser and if not EVERYBODY likes/tolerates you its the end of the world on the spot! I literally let go of the people-pleasing pressure/fear that i had throughout school and put myself first now regeardless, bc at the end of the day i have me and am me.
Michelle's scenario was deadass a copy of what id go/gone through with people and fearing being disliked in the slightest.
I think the hardest thing to do in life is to have this balance. To understand that there are things you can't control and at the same time take accountability for the perspective you have of your own life. And boy is this hard
I mean i partially disagree with the first point because if someone breaks my heart they are responsible for my unhappiness, i do agree that its also my fault due to my perspective and the value i gave her to be in the position to break me in such way.
I just realized, after watching this channel for awhile, how beautiful Anna's home is (or the home they film in is).
Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! The end of Daddy Square Space. That was the single best sponsor spot ever. I watched it every time.
Make them let you bring it back.
They are responsible for my happiness from their sponsorspot!
I feel guilty now that I have never once considered that everyone needed to like me nor that I was in any way responsible for their happiness
I'll never get over how my ex mistreated me, which led to me having a depressive episode and breaking up with him because: "I don't want to be in a relationship that makes me depressed."
Then he complaining about how it's because of him therefore it's his responsibility to "fix my depression" and how dare I walk away from him, I clearly need him.
Nobody is responsible of anyone else’s happiness. Except daddy SquareSpace, he’s responsible of Anna’s (financial) happiness.
Setting boundaries can be really hard too. Your overly dramatic example was hilarious. I lived with a Narcissist parent who always created chaos in my life and always tried to involve me in her chaos. And when I set those boundaries, what I got was a lot of sincere "you don't love me" bullshit . . . and I had a lot of experience with this dynamic even as a child. It was manipulative. Those boundaries are often essential to heal that kind of trauma and protect you from toxic people. Sadly, many people in society will criticize you for setting such boundaries. "You shouldn't abandon/reject your parents/family" . . . or . . . "They're family."
We are responsible for our own destiny. Not for others.
I think this is one of the best videos you've done. I'm gonna see it over time again and again when I need it. thank you so much!
I love this!!! Keep rocking the great videos, information and shares Anna! The phone part was hilarious.
Loved this sketch! And the blooper! And Beetle!!
Great advice, Anna. Unfortunately, many people just don't listen to good advice. I've been telling someone for years to stop stressing over her family's destructive life choices, she can't help them because they do not want to change. Also, don't stress or dwell over something you cannot change or that has happened in the past. Maybe someday she will listen, but I doubt it. I do hope your advice helps some people though.
I recently learned that it's not my job to set other people's boundaries for them. I do my best to respect what I think they are, but if they never say anything or set any boundaries and then get resentful, that's not my problem.
i love your phone bit, you both could not keep in character at the end. fantastic
You are my inspiration Anna. Please keep doing what youre doing.
middle part suits you so well!!
You made this sound so right and simple and love how they broke character in the phone bit. Thank you for this great advice and so true
You have no idea how many “women” have ghosted me after I tell them it’s not my job to make them happy or that it’s not my job to tear down their walls.
Michelle’s voice’s so warm and comforting ❤️
The reaching for the phone part was f'n hilarious! Actually made me LOL. 🤣
Setting boundaries is very hard when people act so weird. Dude! It's my life... I can do what I want ...
SO HILARIOUS...MICHELLE!!!
thank you for making my day. this kind of opened my eyes.
You're not responsible for anyone's reaction to your boundaries. But you are responsible for setting them 😘
THIS WOMAN IS A GENIUS
I need to learn this and my mom really needs to learn this. I understand my mom is my mom and she will always want to care for everything I do, but my mental health is stressing her out a lot and making her very unhappy. I don’t want her to be unhappy, I want her to learn to let go of me a little bit, cause I am her daughter yes, but she doesn’t have to be responsible for everything I do to myself, all the times I’m unhappy, all the times I am happy, I just want her to take care of herself before she does me
hahahaha the reaction to setting a boundary was hilarious and spot-on! :')
I love that you use comedy for life advice.