5 Ways to Teach People How to Treat Us Properly! Kati Morton
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- Опубликовано: 14 дек 2014
- I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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"Is it more important for others to like me, or for me to like me?"
This video needs to be watched by middle school and highschool students...
so true, Kids would avoid a whole lot of nonsense if they were taught these basic life skills in a way that is relatable and interesting of course.
Yeahhhh- I'm a middle school student, I needed to hear this
This is greattttttt answer 🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
My parents tried to teach me this. Of course I was trying to be cool and rebelled. I didn't listen and got into a mess of things trying to get people to like me. I think no matter how much we try to teach kids or teenagers these things, they will assume they are getting lectured, as I did, and rebel.
@@randanman You are lucky. Growing up, my elders taught me to consider other's needs and an elder's authority as more important than what I want or need. Still struggling to shake that belief off me. Let your parents know how much you appreciate them, cos they always had your best interest in mind. Not all parents are unselfish as yours.
You also have the right to physically distance yourself from toxic parents.
Everything this video is saying, I’ve had zero room to do with my emotionally abusive parents. No such thing as a compromise, no ability to say no - my father used to literally chase me when I walked away from a conversation. Constant putdowns, constant threats to cut me off and end the relationship starting way younger than that would’ve even been legal for them.
I’m so glad I went no-contact. There are things I miss, and they’re not worth the struggle of dealing with people who don’t respect me and have never wanted me to be my own person.
Thank you. My relationship with my parents fizzled out as I was expected to do most of the contacting and then all of it, and I got burned out from all that. I decided not to contact them for almost a year as I was fed up doing all the chasing.
So my mother rang me up worried that I hadn't been in contact for almost a year. I replied that in that time she could have picked up the phone or written me a letter as she had my contact details or was she no longer physically capable of that. Then she said that it was up to children to contact their parents, not the other way round. I then told her that relationships were meant to be mutual.
@emilysmith2965 Yes I had those experiences too with my father. He never really wanted children and when he had them he realised he had someone to control only I refused to let him control me. He was always interfering in what I was doing and never knocked on my bedroom door before entering. He was like the toxic mother in the film Ladybird.
thats exactly my situation
this old bastard has svrewed with my superannuation account on his laptop then went and had the hard drive replaced bevause i confronted him about it i aint child sex offendernnever have been he has no right to try rob me like that then his go to excuse is to scream try stand over me n tell me to pack my bags n piss off lately agter i watched him wipe sperm all over my towel when he got out of the shower who does a disgusting thing like that to his SO CALLED SON dirty old grub i dont play that way
The other day I went to buy a hot chocolate from a food truck that I always used to go to. Well, I hadn’t gone to her in a long time. So I asked for a Small one like I always used to do. She goes oh since you haven’t come in a long time get a Medium. I said no, I want a small. She kept pushing for a Medium and I told her NO! The old me would had said yes! I feel so proud!
I hope you genuinely see this progress for what it is: a big deal! Might seem like a small step from the outside...but that one moment of standing up for yourself is a big step for someone who has been walked on for years.
Jo Star nice! 👏🏽💯
@@lucygoose6237 SOOOO TRUE!!!!!!! GOOD JOB!!!!!!👍👍
What TERRIBLE & RUDE customer service 😮😠
BUT AMAZING JOB TO YOU !!!!! 👍👍👏👏👏
I would use an even bigger boundary line: "It's just chocolate. I want a small one. How would you feel if I'd post on facebook you forced me to buy a Medium while I asked for a Small one? If you don't give me a Small one, you'll never see me here again. I'll find another place where I AM treated respectfully. Do you treat all your clients this way? I hope not! So what's it gonna be? You gonna make that small one now or not?" - It's a boundary that goes along with having the right to show other people the consequences of their own behavior. "How would you feel if" is only a reflection technique to put the other into my shoes. If I'd still be forced to buy a Medium, I wouldn't buy it and post my experience on facebook. That's what. Their choice, their own karma!
I like the frog having a zen moment in the background haha
I love it too. :-) Funny because I have the same frog on my window sill. :-D
🤣
Some of us need to learn how to stand up for ourselves and these are some really helpful reminders on how to do that.
saying no and being able to say no does not of course make you a bad or selfish person and it's super important to be able to say no and part of that is being strong and prepared because emotionally abusive people will CALL you rude and gossip about you when you start to make boundaries. Even your oen parents. That's how they punish you for boundary setting but dont stop! You're not doing anything wrong. You might lose friends and family and there will be some time alone before you make new connections but it is 100% worth it. Delete your facebook and dont let social media mess u up on it!
I'm definitely one of those people who recently realized that I don't notice that people have overstepped their boundaries with me until I've felt like shit for a while. It started with my blind approach to trusting that strangers always had good intentions towards me. I made friends easily in uni and after graduating I thought that all people my age had me in their best interests, lol. So I made a bunch of excuses for people treating me like crap when in reality I would never treat anyone that way myself. I thought "oh they just need some more time to learn" "oh it's ok I can take it for a while, I'm strong" and now I'm like...fuck that. I stick to my guns a lot more now, I listen to my intuition much faster and I'm more attuned to calling people out on their bullshit. I no longer make excuses for people's poor actions and I catch on to people who do not apologize. I am definitely exploring new ways to set boundaries, walk away from excuses and admit to myself that some people simply aren't good enough to be in my life. If they don't match my effort, I no longer care to think about them. So yeah, long rant about boundaries, you realize how many holes you let slip on the past and what they were all about. I can say that I definitely have a clearer perception and better self worth after all of that. I am now working on putting myself first, no guilt and no babying people who need to be accountable for their actions. Enough
Beautiful comment.
Thanks for sharing
wow beautifully said! and so true!
Katya, Well said! Thanks!
I usually don't like trashing millenials, because I don't think generational effects have such wide range of explanation for people's behaviour, HOWEVER: I agree with you 100%, college students are for the most part selfish bastards. Sorry, but it's true. I come from a working-class family, so I was socialized very differently from most other students. I was taught, you have to work hard, don't brag, proove yourself. They were taught: you're glorious, you don't have to improve, everybody else is wrong and you're always right. So now they all behave like dipshits and don't want to help anybody! They only do something for you, when you do something for them. There is no solidarity! I'm really sorry for you, because you sound like a truly nice person. I hope you won't toss all your good characteristics over board, because trust me: in a working environment, you are going to be the most popular most liked colleague and they'Re going to get fired in a week, because they can't cooperate!
Self-care is important for our well-being.
When I was younger I use to be one of those people who anybody could walk over and I would do anything to see other happy until one day when I realized that while I was making sure other people were happy I wasn't, so one day I decided that I also counted, that I mattered. I just started saying no and standing up for ME because if I don't take care of me who will??? I have to admit that there is still some people who I will go out of my way to make happy but that's mostly because I want to and because I love them.
Same. It's like I would take their shit because I didn't want to see them in a bad mood. Now I'm like, damn, I wish I had someone to personally shut on and have them reassure me. Lol. I also used to stay away from people who seemed like they spoke their minds too much and were intimidating to me. Now I don't care. Now I'm one of the people who will say it straight to someone's face no matter how "indimidating" they may appear. I'm done suffering for someone else's benefit.
Sometimes I like to see a bad situation and switch it up to see if I can like say you drop your hubbies off and forget to get right back to him and you can see by his look he is not happy instead of letting him talk crap about it I like to but in and say wow you must be used to that pep in your step cause you are looking tight and manly like my superhero baby
Or when he comes home flat out pissed I say don't make me talk southern to you boy and he'd say boy that's all I need to hear and I'd say well my loverboy knows how to make me my meow meow meow per southern style
That's a beautiful thing.
I like the rule #5 where you say stop looking outward for affirmation. That's what prevents me from speaking up because I'm afraid of what they will do, i.e., fire me, hate me, etc., Thank you!
sblack3001 yes this is helpful and practical.
One of the best things a teenager can do is to have activities outside the home, such as a job or other healthy activities. I worked at an airport fueling airplanes as a teenager and it helped me to escape the toxicity at home. Boy Scouts was also very helpful.
Kris Grauel very true. I was waitressing at age 16 during Summer holidays and sometimes weekends too. It helps, and it felt great to have some money in my pocket, money that was mine and I could spend anyway I wanted without having to justify myself to anyone.
As the youngest in my family I was trampled on by nearly everyone. I thought I was being a "good person" by being so compliant with other people's wishes. The only person that didn't benefit from it was ME!
where were you when I was 16 and getting hammered at home and at school, self-esteem in the double negative, suicidal thoughts? I am now 55 and just beginning to get a grip. Thanks for the video, excellent work!
Amazing video
Jim Kilby, I'm right with you and I'm 52.
I hear you Jim. I'm 40 only in the last few years did I open my eyes and see how I was abused by my own parents. I hope you are more at peace now. x
I hear you Jim. I'm 40 only in the last few years did I open my eyes and see how I was abused by my own parents. I hope you are more at peace now. x
I hope it doesn't take me that long. I'm 29 and I feel like pain will never end. :-/
I felt bad for walking away from a friend who used to treat me as bad possible. But now I can see it was the right choice. 😊
Constantly being asked by my son to watch the kids. After listening to you I got wise. He asked can you bath the baby and I said no, not today. He asked are you busy? I said no, not feeling like it. Boy, you should've seen his face so thank you xxxxx
Tineke Williams I have begun to say NO to my adult kids about babysitting and they shut me out of their lives for months every time! But it is manipulative on their part and now won't play their games any longer.
That's okay DJ Blues...they'll need you before you will need them!
Thats called emotional extortion . They withhold your grandchildren to punish you. And you can spend their inheiritance. I refuse to play games with my spoiled brat adult children. Have fun with your well deserved life. You raised your children. They can raise theirs. Have fun in the face of the punishment. Little snots1 : }
He is your son. Instead of being amused at his face after "sticking it to him" why would you not sit down with him and explain to him that you feel like he's taking advantage of you with watching his kids and that you would enjoy spending time with some more if you didn't feel like he was pushing them on you all the time etc..(obviously in your own words)?
@@cindylituyasloon1292 lmao. If your kids are spoiled brats then whose fault is that? Hmmm
I find it so amusing when people complain about their children's behavior and don't have the self-awareness to see that they were in fact the main source of influence in shaping their children's personalities. Every mother we have the biggest influences on our children's lives out of anyone that they'll ever come in contact with...so maybe some self examination is needed here. Lmao
Oh Kati you will not believe how much touched me when you said "you are worth it" Thank you.
A KL
You ARE worth it...
Amen ❤️ a lot of us feel the same way you do. YOU... ARE... WORTH... IT!
Soul gps somatic vs cerebral
Awww
I used to have a pattern where I would people please which encouraged some people in my life to exploit me. I often suppressed my feelings of hurt when they wouldn't return the same sacrifices. It got to the point where it was difficult asserting myself and for them to see me any other way and I would lash out at them when my boundaries were overstepped. I recognize my own thoughts, beliefs and behaviours for why these things kept happening. I taught people they could treat me this way. This video really hits the mark on becoming your own best friend and teaching people how to treat us with respect.
Start by recognizing when this is happening. Perfect!
Bad behavior deserves boundaries, not love.
I was looking for a video to calm myself down. I just lost my husband 2 years ago. He was a very hot tempered person so I tried my best to keep things the way he liked it. From the Asian perspective, you will be recognized as a good and dutiful wife. You will get a place in heaven eventhough you feel like a a pure shit. After he passed on, I felt lost. You cannot say I was lost for love. It was more of being controlled by someone that I felt that I was not in control. I was lost. I went into anxiety and depression. Now I am on therapy with a counsellor. The counsellor adviced me that I lacked boundaries because I did not want to hurt others so I did not mind it. As a christian, I took the shouting and cursing.
Surprisingly, my son treats me badly now. He is only 14 years old. Sometime when I ask him question, he does not answer. He does not like to hear advice. He has no respect towards me and I feel he is forced to be around me because of needs like food, clothing and shelter. Eventhough he treats me bad but I still treat him good. I will tell myself that oneday when I am not around, he will appreciate me. Does my religion cripple me in forming boundaries?
I have a sister with NPD, massive manipulator & can only be happy seeing others suffer, fuelled by insecurities & chronic jealousy. As soon as i cut her off, blocked her, ignored her, no contact unless absolutely necessary, my anxiety lifted completely after 6 months and never been happier. NEVER let these toxic manipulators back into your life!
I had a friend like that. Would play music in the car hoping that I would hate that particular artist and when I said I didn't she would find something else to play hoping I would hate that instead. In her home she would always have the TV on in the background as she knew I hated that as it was too distracting. The most inane programme the better. So I stopped visiting her.
Then toxic men trying to force their favourite heavy metal music onto me. I preferred indie rock which to them was too mild. Who would come to the conclusion that if I liked Franz Ferdinand I would like System of a Down as well? Totally unrelated. I would be hearing about Cradle of Filth and Mayhem constantly.
@@lemsip207 Hahaha, I like System of a Down, but I think that's the heaviest I could listen to.
@sandrapatriciaoriguarios4589 Van Halen for me. But they are seen as bubblegum metal. Many former male fans of theirs got snotty over them with their new synth sound and fun songs such as Jump, so they stopped going to see them live and then audiences at their concerts became about 60% female on average.
Then there is Whitesnake, REO Speedwagon, Faith No More, Bullet for My Valentine, and Bring Me The Horizon, which are lighter metal bands.
Yes ma'am, I agree with this.......just also wanted to add that when you set boundaries, just make sure you treat people that way. In my personal experience, the very people who set boundaries about how people should treat them were the most rude to other people and did not respect other people's boundaries (in other words, putting up rules about how people should treat them while having other rules for themselves, giving them the liberty to treat other people like crap). Just saying what I have observed. I always go back to the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So when I set boundaries, I make sure that I am following those rules I am setting for other people in addition to respecting their boundaries.
Dorothea Dixon I totally agree. When a person begins to start having limits and boundaries they/ we are awkward at it and sometimes, to overcome the fear I think it comes off as rude, overly harsh. And also, I think there is a risk of hurting some innocent people in the attempt. We can always apologize and say, “ I am working on this skill, I I might have come off too intense. Sorry.”
I have been on both sides of it. I have a family member who doesn’t wish to communicate with me, due to some family issues I had no control over. It hurts, but I truly care about them, and realize they have the right to have whomever they wish in their lives. And I am not one of those people. We both have worked hard on our recovery skills, and at the end of the day, having peace about how we handled our end is all we can do.
I sit here crying from watching a few of your videos. Thank you. You are an inspiration.
Aww. ❤ Here with and for you.
Beverlee Gean Silva 💜💜💯💯❤️❤️❤️
It took me 45 Years to even know the phrase 'personal boundaries' now as a counsellor, it's my 'go to' resource... great video Katy thank you once again from Australia :)
.
I am seventy my best mate for over forty yrs was a girl called ivy we were never apart then about twenty yrs ago when I was working as as a cleaner she came in with some woman said to me I'll come and see u tomorrow at two thirty I said ok at half two she stood there said to this woman she is isn't like me meaning she was posh she wernt she was a tart my blood boiled I phoned her up that night told her never to talk to me again
watch out for manipulators. i think they are even worse or at least as bad as overt controllers.
Especially if they're parents who use being "an adult" as a means of excusing disrespectful behavior
thats so true, but you have to be smart and trust your heart
@@londonwatson7342 SO WELL PUT WATSON !!!
Describes my boss
Ok
Its much easier to set boundaries when you know
1. Who is crossing them
2. How they gained access
3. How much they are/have been privy to?
4. Who gave them access in the first place
5. How long has this breach occurred? Who knew about this breach When were they aware of this breach?
How has this boundary crossing been perpetuated? How has the lack of boundaries escalated issues?
boss. 2nd level bosses know, and ignore it.
love di choreo yes self awareness and awakening.
love di choreo
👍🏻🙏🏻
Amen
An angry client called me one day swearing at me because our office had failed to inform me they promised him I'd go to his office to fix a problem. I was happy to deal with him until he start angrily swearing at me. I calmly told him that I don't accept ANYONE (even a client) swearing at me and that I'd check with my office what was going on. I then hung up. I then phoned the office and verified that it was their fault (not mine or the client's) and that I corrected him for swearing at me. The boss agreed that I don't have to take abuse from clients. I rearranged appointments to go to his place and fix the problem but he did apoligise for losing his temper with me and was very nice after that. This was a guy with a reputation for being angry. He just needed boundaries set. Also, the customer is NOT always right. That motto of "Customer is always right" is used by companies who put profit over respect for their employees...which is disgusting behavior
TOXIC PEOPLE. KNOW WHEN TO COME AND DO A NUMBER ON YOU ITS USUALLY. WHEN YOU ARE SAD DEPRESSED OR NOT YOURSELF!
So true! Am cutting those ba&tards off
True
Or just happy or in a reasonably good mood. Some people can not allow that and have to do their damn best to eradicate that. Really sad.
..or asleep WHAMO!
Shout if you feel like it 😆
I like to hear more examples what to say to people to set a boundries.
Same here!
“This makes me uncomfortable.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know how to put it into words, but no.”
That is a good enough reason for many things, like sex, being extremely vulnerable, even just being hugged. Or having people constantly touch your knee, and you realize 5 years later, after therapy, that it’s likely to do with that being where your attacker started.
It doesn’t have to be physical, either, it could be to do with performance anxiety when people push you to sing that song at karaoke, it could be that you don’t want to have to write notes for two during class, but you’ll take a video of the lecture and let them use your notes as a template.
It’s sad to note that people make such a big deal about “don’t be peer-pressured,” but we don’t talk about “this is how to avoid peer pressuring.”
weralia 7 "Effective Communication Skills with Dan O'Connor" has some youtube videos that may help you, as I think they've helped me. I particularly like his, "That may be, but..."
Just start staying no, no excuses needed
"I'm saying no" worked for me with a sales caller.
I was brought up in a world where I had no rights.
Nicole MeMe same, I feel ya 😔
Nicole MeMe sounds like you had a great family life.
same
mf same. Now those people have no right to be in my life.
I can feel it
This is exactly what I'm seeking personal counseling for after the holidays...better self-care. I made it a goal (not a resolution) to love and take better care of myself this year. I'm looking for a better way to love myself better without comparing myself to other people and then proving to them that I'm as good as them. BTW, LUV the vids and keep on posting...TY :-)
I love to see such wise understanding in a young woman Kati. Yes understand and love ourselves first, protect yourself first, setting boundries you instantly become your own best friend, and as they say "no matter where you go, there you are" you live inside of you, always love and accept yourself, get comfortable, be easy on yourself. Hurt feelings may require processing (dealing with why something made you feel bad, then understanding it, and move on), accept and appreciate yourself, the outside world will manifest in people with those qualities back to you. Practice positive self talk, turn off the negative voices and see how truly unique and beautiful inside and outside you are. When you are healthy emotionally then you are able to love others, the world becomes a better place, one person at a time... then we can bring out the best in those healthy ones we meet. Eventually it goes viral, soon we all heal and life becomes the joy ride it was meant to be.
Thank you for this. Honestly I always think there is something wrong with me when I have people treat me like shit. I wish I found this video before because I am very passive cause I am afraid of hurting people. This provided me with great assurance.
This is a very easy one ilostmypetrock you say nothing and you turn your back and you walk away from what you say people who treat you like shit simple or don't contact them at all, this keeps your mind sane and calm if they ask you why have you not been in touch, you say you don't have to explain your self to you then cut them off or walk away. just do it walk away be the man leave them standing feeling like shite
Ilostmypetrock D: I wish I could find the video on bullies/bullies at work. The good advice someone gave is that they mistreat cause they sense if affects you, it weakens you to their control. or that a person might not appear confident enough and gets mistreated....duhhhh, I would think if a person appears not confident, one should be nicer! not eat the "weak/weak appearing"...as animals do in the wild
They will always make it seem like it's you , that is their way of controlling others, it is a very sad situation and also people don't realize the destruction this causes and how it may lead one to deep depression and even drive to them to think they are crazy , it took me many years to realize some people where never my friend and even family members where toxic to my health.
"Is it more important that other people like me? Or, that I like me?"
Exactly!! Thank you Kati!😘❤❤❤
I wasn't too sure about this video in the beginning, after reading just the title, but now, after listening to the end, this is one of my favorite videos on youtube!!
It really sucks though when that person who's disrespectful to you is your mom because you can't bite the hand that feeds you. :/
TheKatalicious17 Yes you can, and you should. There are ways to force the truth so that no one is able to deny it. Children manipulate their parents as well as the parents manipulate them. Try to understand why she is doing it and then try to react differently or, prevent her to be dispespectful in the first place, if she comes from some other situations where you fucked up and then transfers it to another to punish you. The only situation in which you find you can't defend yourself is when you think or know that you have been wrong.
I do feel this video, while trying to be empowering, can encourage victim-blaming because people (even as adults and teens) may be in situations where they still can't really do all these things. For instance, I'm a therapist. I had a supervisor who was pretty shit at my internship. I was forced to be in a room with her for an hour a week. I couldn't exactly walk out or say no to all of her requests (because many of them were wrong and ridiculous), otherwise I would piss her off and face possibly horrible consequences. There are other abusive tactics besides the physical which exist in the world, especially in the workplace and being a child/teen in a family. So my point is, you are correct. See if there is anything you can do, and if not, then please don't blame yourself for not defending yourself more.
I couldn't relate more.
Or your boss. Or someone you rely on.
TheKatalicious17 you can. you just won't and then you feel shitty. Want to be happy or want to be morally good?
This is such an important video! I am CONSTANTLY talking to my twin daughters about teaching others how to treat them. They just turned 8 years old and personal boundaries are still a new concept for them. I will be showing them this video before school begins because they had several issues with "friends" last year. Thank you so much for this.
The best way to react to toxic person is simly walk away. I found it most efficient.
I have recently acknowledged that I have a problem-many problems, actually. And I want to fix these problems. I want to become a stronger person because recently I’ve just shut down and I have no motivation and I looked at myself and realized I have no self respect and very low self esteem. I’m tired of feeling helpless. Thank you so much for helping me get to stability.
A LOT. OF BOUNDARIES OVERSTEPPERS ARE PARENTS THEY. STILL WANT YOU TO NEED THEM.BUT END UP BEING..MEAN AND DISRESPECTFUL!
Curtistine Miller Same here. My mom can talk shit about me to all our relatives, friends, coworkers, anyone who will listen. But if i try to stand up for myself, then I'm Ungrateful & Disrespectful.
salonika101 same with my dad
Check into info on co-dependency. Very informative.
Yes! I am going through this now. Out of all the things that stresses me, this is the worse! The crazy part is that I don't eve live with them anymore. When I defend myself I'm ungrateful when it's not like that at all!
salonika101 my mother in law is like this but she will blatantly LIE to my husband and my face that she wasn’t taking behind our backs. But we 100% know that she is because my sis in law tells us. And we see how she bad mouths others to us and she lies. She lies abt stupid shit that doesn’t even make since. There is a lot she does but thinks she is always right and her opinion is the only one that matter and because right now we are living with her in her apt and she is paying the bills she can just run all over us. It’s bizarre! I’d love to go more in detail with a professional to see how to deal with this behavior. We tend to try to keep peace and bite our tongues all the time but she doesn’t. She makes us feel like crap. She has anxiety and severe OCD! And she is very narcissistic. VERY!!! It’s rough. She even listens at our door for no reason at all and my son had to see her running down the hall one time and sit in her chair like nothing happened. My stress, depression, anxiety, migraines, and mental health are so out of wack! I am a mess.
I have never been someone who picks on people as a way of joking or insults others and disguise it as a joke. But I have strange way of attracting those kind of people. Right now I'm working on keeping people like that away from me and understanding that there is a huge difference between joking with someone and joking about someone.
Problems are not gonna be solved without sitting down together and have a conversation with respect, open-minded, willing to do the good things.
You published this a long time ago but I'm glad I found it. Thank you for everything you do. There is a lot to learn from you.
Hi Kati,
Do you think you could make a video about oversharing? I've been seriously hurt and have suffered from emotional abuse in the past, and as a result I often feel the need to be protected or even simply listened to by other people. I know it's irrational and has had negative effects on my relationships but I don't know how to stop. Additionally, I tend to struggle with being an "open book" and being easily readable by others, even when I don't want to be and it's beyond frustrating!
Thank you for your videos and for taking the time to read this. You've already helped me so much I cannot express it into words!
I feel you on the "being an open book" part. Though I can tell you from experience, it often just seems like everyone knows you very well. It depends on the group. There are certain groups I've found where they are totally convinced they know you, but actually they only know the surface and can't look beyond due to them not being all that smart. I wish I knew how to change that, but I don't. I just keep trying to stick to my made-up rules on what I find appropriate to share with others and what's not. I do slip up from time to time, however. Anyways, it's important not to overshare, or else you'll probably look like an airhead and it seems to invite especially manipulative people into your space.
DegeOnTap . . . oversharing isnt oversharing if you find a real friend who likes you . . .if they cast you out all the better faster and more convenient????
This is very important. I've been doing this kind research recently and this is a really good video. Self-respect is the key for others to respect ourselves. Yes, we might lose people in our life, but whoever stays will be more respectful to us. Thanks Kati!
Well said. Those who never respect us, they couldn't make us happy. Because their bad words will show how awful they truly r.
The late Ricky Nelson's line in "Garden Party" song goes "You can't Please Everyone, So You Gotta please yourself. " Perfect!
I have a relative who loves to shove around her boundaries. We all get to sit and listen to her concerns, opinion, complaints, sometimes even bashing us, BUT if we want to offer (even kindly! Bc goodness knows we wouldn't want to sound pushy or cruel) any other opinion, the hand flies up and she declares she's "done." It's her "boundary" to not have to listen to an explanation to her accusations. This is the flip side of the boundary concept. It scrambles my mind, and feels confusing that someone can claim "boundary" and be allowed to bash me in a group. That's a bizarre "go" card.
Ask yourself why you allow this from her.
BGAIL - She's being controlling. She likes a captive audience and is holding you hostage. Tell her these words exactly and add that you choose not to participate. Or say you will participate but you will not be dumped on and you demand equal time in the exchange. She must agree to that or you walk. Take back healthy control. She calls it her boundaries but it really control.
Yes, sounds like my narsister who will vomit verbally all over everyone but then ghost you.
@@i.m.7710 They get to be a victim twice; once as they tell you all about their woes, then twice as they take offense and act hurt by you and your feedback/advice. Double supply. If on top of that they can get you to apologize for their hurt feelings, it's the Trifecta of supply, a triple jackpot for them.
My narc explained that they felt hurt by what I said, so that made it real...that I must validate their feelings. I said "No, that makes no sense." They may actually FEEL hurt, but there was no valid cause for it, so I wouldn't acknowledge it or apologize for her taking something as hurtful. (Actually, I had just kept a boundary, which ticked her off.)
Her being close minded and refusing to listen to anyone other than herself isn't her "setting a boundary" it's her being toxic and throwing the word "boundary" around to sound "smart" and justified.
Thank you so much for this.. Your video about emotional abuse was like an awakening to me, and this video confirms to me the things that I already noticed were helping me feel better, but hearing them loud and clear now makes me aware of them while until now I didn't realize yet what exactly helped me so I couldn't do it on purpose to help myself. Thank you so much
i have a really awful mother in law... i would always do what she wanted thinking she would get better when she realized how much i did.... it only made her worse and worse.... i did not realize i was totally reinforcing her terrible treatment of me.... now i get it
I just ended a friendship with someone who was constantly making suggestions to me about improving my life. The reason was that she could dish it out but not take it. I think it was because she was insulting me and thought I was insulting her as well.
Me too! This so called friend criticized me every chance she got. My hair, my eyebrows, my lips, lines on my face, the way I dressed and the crazy thing was that I let her. I recently stopped answering her phone calls. I woke up! I feel so much better about myself. I realize that I never criticized her and always tried to build her up. I realize now she is a narcissist!
The little 'blup' sound with the titles really freaked me out for some reason XD
This video is so important though
Remember the quote I'd rather be hated for who I really am than loved/manipulated to be something I am not. Yes you are treated as an object not a human being"
Thanks!
I love this video! I facilitate a trauma group for women at a community mental health agency and we show this video every 8 weeks because it explains boundaries in a very accessible way. You totally rock.
Kati, I have been reinforcing bad behavior by laughing when a friend is rude to me. I can't help it. I laugh, and then immediately feel incredibly hurt. I don't think it's funny, and I'm not a complete lunatic, but laughter is a coping mechanism I have developed to deflect my hurt feelings and it's getting out of hand. She knows it isn't funny, but I don't think she knows just how much it hurts me. I also have a very difficult time talking out loud about my feelings, but my friend thinks that "notes are stupid and passive aggressive." What should I do?
Oh, I have so been there. This is still hard for me, but at least I recognize the truth of it now. (at age 64).#1. She knows.#2. She is NOT your friend. She is someone you know--and you actually know her too well to keep overlooking her deliberate cruelty.#3. She loves your pain and confusion. Choose exactly what you will do the next time she is rude to you---and then DO IT. Do not look back. Consider the relationship OVER after you face up to and call her on it. There's my opinion. Of course you are free to do as you like...but coddling HER feelings and ignoring yours will NEVER help.
happycowsmmmcheese87 u gotta feel it to heal it...also, let others have their feelings...of hurt anger upset offense, whatever. u gotta let them feel that pain, dont rescue them from that......u feel pain letting them feel pain, i know, but, u gotta just go thru it...the only way out is thru. if u avoid it, the universe will bring it back around to u over and over again. until u feel it to heal it...
I think it is indeed possible to make these types of jokes and not realize you're hurting someone, bc I've wondered about friends I used to do that to and would totally understand if they were hurt now that I look back (even though I definitely didn't mean it to hurt them, I genuinely thought they found it funny bc they were sassy in other ways towards me too). I do agree with parts of what people said above me. I think you should plan what to do next time she does it. She might invalidate your feelings about it, but know that you have *every* right to feel what you do! Because even as someone who may have accidentally hurt her friends, I validate your feelings, and would have validated my friend's if they had spoken up to me. For her to call you sensitive or overreacting is a dick move. If she does, you can defend yourself and say that you have every right to feel what you feel. If she doesn't like it, then I think it's time to distance yourself from this person because that sounds very toxic. Best to you.
God considers Us precious don't allow others to make you feel less, it's obvious that this person is no friend.
but my closest friends insult me to my core, and I take it as love, because it is. Boundaries are good, but you can't be hugged while holding a shield.
Thank you. My recent ex crossed the line way too much. Your video reminded me that I made the right choice :D
Absolutely, I learned to start keeping toxic people at a distance since toxic people are unhealthy for me and as you stated in this video Kati, that it is not mean or wrong to do this since our health and lives matter too. I am so much happier that I started doing this since no one has the right to disrespect or own anyone. I learned to start to set even stricter boundaries since the toxic people started convincing others that I was insane.
You are a lovely and kind young woman.Thanks for putting in so much work to help strangers.
.Kati ,this is the first time I have come across your work.Very inspiring. Good for you
Blip: I love this. Just wanted to add that I've been the toxic person in a relationship - no shame, we are all figuring this life thing out and that was just a part of my journey - and when someone would walk away from me or draw a line or say no to me, I would always end up being glad they did... Eventually.
You know? I'd try to justify my actions but then, upon reflecting, I'd realize that might have just really messed up. I guess I just wanted to add that if you are having trouble staying motivated to be consistent with boundaries it might be encouraging to know that it can help the other person recognize their unhealthy habits, too. It have me the opportunity to grow as a person! You can't make anyone grow but offering them little opportunities to do it themselves seems kind of rewarding. :)
Rach Luebcke I really appreciate your comment! I'm sure it's hard to admit, and that makes it brave, too! But I cringed at it! I could just ignore saying anything, but I've been the person on the other end, and it's hard not to resent you.
I don't begrudge your taking responsibility, I'm grateful for it! But I can't not say anything, because then I feel complicit. I also feel like, though you should be patted on the back for what you've worked to overcome, it's somehow saying, for me, those people you've hurt aren't as important.
I know that's not at all what's being said, but I also feel it's important those people are also not ignored.
But I really thank you for coming forward! I wish you the best with your life and hope you're not feeling good enough about yourself you can see others for the value they have, and appreciate them and yourself! And let them appreciate you!
Rach Luebcke I know I was a jerk when I was 19/20 yrs old..
I had a Narc attitude..
I would love to watch these dudes squirm as I played these games..
But I was playing the field,single and full if Hell!
As I grew older I called down and than when it was done to me in my 40s..it crushed me hard.
I'm healing. But that's all part of Karma and Life.
I love God he is my Father and watches over me and all if us.
Stay strong and stay true to your family and those you really love..
This world is a very scary and undermining..theres also Trust and Compassion.
Seek those that motivate you and Volunteer whenever you can.
Remember.
All these things we drive and use and put on, are just material stuff.
Your Soul and Spirit is the True one.
Be good to yourself and others!
Keep on thriving and be Happy again! Life's too Short!
💗💗💗
J.Stuhl
I learned a lot from this video. The main thing is to be able to say STOP to some people, otherwise they have no merci and won’t stop until they get the best of you.
You are a lifesaver ! No, not a candy with a hole in it. Your wisdom is exceptional. Thank you
I get treated like garbage until I resent the person. Eventually I end up lashing out and saying awful things to them. Or I just distance myself and avoid them altogether.
Thanks so much for these tips. I had No idea how to set boundaries, and am trying to learn how to do this.
RUclips is my free personal home psychologist now.
Thank you!
Since starting therapy, I have been working on assertive communication. I've been trying to feel more comfortable expressing my feelings to others, but I have noticed that people feel "attacked" or refuse to acknowledge their actions when I try to explain how they've upset me. I also noticed when setting boundaries with people (e.g. "hey, I don't like when you say this... etc) that people willingly CHOOSE not to give a fuck and will justify their horrible words and actions.
THIS IS HONESTLY SO EXHAUSTING AND I WOULD RATHER NOT SAY ANYTHING ANYMORE....
I really appreciate these helpful videos, good job!
oh god i needed this. thank you, so helpful. going to be tough with myself to stick to this
My character is that I prefer to be alone rather than spending my time with wrong people around in my life . I never had a parent who protect or defend me from the childhood , for that reason , I become the protector of myself. I am a defender ! So, I have no fear of walk away from the wrong people and
I always defend myself in order to protect myself. ✌️
Thank you Katie for doing these videos for us who need help sooner then later . You are an Angel to many . Bless you .
I LOVE IT!
Perfect Kati! Thank you
Kati, you're so refreshingly real, genuine and helpful. I can see why you have so many subscribers. I've only watched a few of your videos, but I look forward to watching your others. Thank you.
I am so grateful for your kindness, Kati. Thank you for sharing ways for us to respect ourselves more!
People who give this a thumbs down 👎🏽 are more than likely doing it just to be difficult or
have poor boundaries. 👍🏽😳
This is so very important and speaks to me on so many levels. So helpful, thank you Kati
I rewatched this twice just because I needed to hear it so much. Thank you
Step 2 is huge for me. There are many times in a conflict with my partner that she says something "below the belt", nasty, hurtful, spiteful, etc. I try to remain calm and remain engaged, actively listening, etc. However... there are times I've disengaged politely ("I feel hurt at what is being said and need to step out of this conversation to calm down"). She doesn't like me doing this. She hates it. She claims I'm doing it to have power. I've go to the point where I doubt myself. To hear Kati so clearly state that I have the right to walk away from someone who is being rude or berating me is just what I needed to hear right now.
This is really helpful. Thanks for posting this. :)
omg wHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE, I STARTED CRYING WHEN I WATCHED YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME, THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT UNDERSTANDS, OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!
Have always wondered how some people missed the good life lessons... to be humble, kind, care,to be quiet when they don’t have something nice to say, be respectful and a few more.
Can you imagine how beautiful the world would have been if everybody followed the golden rules! The only way, I am happy to be here is to paint that beautiful picture in my head. Too much grief and loss out there.
Thanks! For all the great videos. Especially liked the ones on boundries. And I am implimenting them. Of course the other videos are helpful and very informative as well.
I never learned this. At almost 50 years old, I still can't say "no." When you are raised in an atmosphere that if you say "no" you will be beaten, it is immensely difficult to say no to anyone.
Today, I don't have friends and only see family when in very controlled situations. I can't hold down jobs because I can't say no, which means I've been self employed for most of my adult life.
My ex-husband tried to kill me when I tried to set boundaries. Not figuratively, but literally tried to kill me. He had his hands on my throat and I was losing consciousness when he finally let go. Yes, that is abuse and I was well aware that it was abuse at the time. Not only did I not get any boundaries set, but almost was murdered and still had to comply with my abuser's demands.
Do you have any advice for people who suffer from CPTSD as to how to defend themselves when faced with an abuser who won't respect boundaries?
nice message, well said. you seem like a lovely, pleasant , brave and intelligent young woman. I am going to check out more of your stuff.
How you frame things and outline the steps is so helpful. Thank you!
I've watched this video multiple times. At different points of my life and I never fail to learn something new. Thank you again Kati!
definitely need more in depth tips on healthy boundaries!
Bonnie55317 iii
I agree with everything you said except for one thing-you said that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do especially if it's inconvenient, to some extent I think that it's true but if we never do anything for other people because it doesn't suit our plans(and what favours are convenient?)I think that there is a fine line between always giving in and putting everyone first,(never taking time for yourself) and not helping anyone because you just don't feel like it.
Another angle that helps is: Does the person you are doing a favor for, also do favors for you? You have to be bold enough to ASK that person for a favor, they might not just notice that you need something. Two-way giving can build a relationship; it's the one-way giving that destroys it (and you).
so comfortble and wondetful to hear your advice
2. Is a personal fave of mine. I always walk away if I start to feel like we’re going in circles. It helps calm down the situation and helps give me perspective.
Just walk away. They not worth the trouble.
Great video!
Kati, thank you so much for giving a lot of us social tools that we probably couldnt (or havent) learned anywhere else. Youre the best and your videos have really helped me manage my life to be happier with more rewarding relationships.
Thank you!!! I really needed that information right now.
I had to do this last night with a family member who was being a pest because he thinks he's going to get $ from my dad passing away. I ceased all contact with him.
Hey Kati, I appreciate your video and a lot of similar ones online, but you know what the problem is? There are no videos that show these skills in real life. It's one thing to talk about it, but it would be nice to actually see how it works in some role plays or something or to see it in real life situations. is it possible to make some videos to see the skills in action?
Absolutely agree.
I will have to practice this as I have been a door mat for 56 years and with some people knowing exactly what to say to hurt me. Thank you so much for this great learning video.
Notice I am actually breathing more easily as I listen and feel my way into this. Thanks so much. Your delivery is perfect.
Doing this with my mother in law was a good choice. Unfortunately she is an extreme narciccist so she controls by retaliation and the thjngs she does is brutal and has had a great impact on the demise of my marriage because my husband never fully protected me from her cruelty. Retaliation or not, setting boundaries was the best choice. It took 10 yrs ro realize she was going to hate me no matter how good I was to her son and granddaughter and even her. But i took too much abuse. Never again. They all fear her but i refuse to fear another human
Kati how can I stabilize my emotion? I have mood swings earlier. I don't know if its external or me. I'm always afraid that someones going to do bad to me.
Im trying to hold back tears. Really needed this. Thank you!
Kati this is such an important topic, I read something yesterday and again yesterday similar to yes I'll drop everything to be with you. Also if you don't like what a friend says don't react straight away, wait a day, what a load of bullshine. I feel there's so much out there teaching the wrong message on how to run your life and how you should be treated that's utter rubbish. Thank you because watching your video has just reinforced how much I've grown over the past weekend where I've had so many examples of telling people, "No" I won't put up with their behaviour or the way they speak to me, use me. No more and so thank you for your humanised, common sense way of telling it how it really is. Xxx