she doesn't believe in mental health... r/AITA
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- Опубликовано: 20 авг 2023
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Friendly reminder that respect is earned and no one is owed respect because of age or family ties
Everyone you meet should be given basic respect, but that can be disregarded if someone proves themself to be an asshat.
@@HiBuddyyyyyykindness does not equal respect.
@@HiBuddyyyyyy100% this. I read in a comment somewhere that when some people say respect, what they mean is obedience. No one is owed unquestioned obedience. Basic respect though, yes. Until they start behaving like an asshat, and then that too is lost.
@@SlothDaan that is kind of the same as being respectful. We need different words for basic respect and the respect you earn.
@@minohki yes, thank you for putting it into better words than what I said.
“Respect your elders” should be used as ‘don’t be horrible to old people because they’re old’, because some people are, and they shouldn’t be. The phrase shouldn’t be used to excuse shitty behaviour of older people.
Yeah it should be made very clear it is the respect like the " I respect you as a human being," type of respect. not the respect like "respect my authority" type of respect.
yeah as someone who grew up with my gran teaching me that respect is earned and can be taken away i use it all the time much to the annoyance of my mom who's all "Respect those who are older"
Respect everyone with basic human respect. Respect the people who earn it with authority respect
It was never addressed why Nancy ended up there in the first place. Liars don't deserve respect.
God that “respect your elders” shit when they’re being rude about mental health pisses me off. Those elders are being disrespectful, why do they deserve respect?
It was "respect those who unlike you weren't lazy butts, but finished uni"
A school psychologist said I don't need help with my adhd, so every failure is my fault, saying otherwise is disrespecting him.
I've been disrespecting doctors all the time since moving out.
it's an easy way to let elders' insecurities go unchecked
@@v3ru586school psychologists are usually simply counselors and poorly trained at that. I encourage you to try again and to remember YOU’RE the customer.
@glitterspray I did, adhd was my first self diagnosis to be ruled out. I didn't know about the school psychologist's diagnosis, or the reason, why my mom would be so upset when I seeked mental health support. Or why she didn't just tell me what I had, so I knew what expert to look for (she didn't see a point, as I don't need any treatment anyway)
However, she used the "respect doctors" with pretty much every doctor in the area, the school psychologist is just the latest I found out about.
Also, I've started treatment for adhd last year, now we're trying to figure out what meds help me in what dose.
For the first one, I would like to point out that, regardless of whether or not peacemaking and forgiveness would be a good thing to have happen (and it probably isn’t given that OP isn’t ready for that), the time to try and swoop in as a peacemaker is NOT at somebody’s birthday dinner (or any other celebration). Happy occasions are not the time to throw in your own agenda.
fr, that's some emotional blackmail bs!
Now I'm just thinking of Tati Westbrook "And you did it at my birthday dinner" 😂
Something that seems important about the jewelry AITA is that the mom's praise towards the jewelry, both in the past and seeing her daughter wear it, probably made the sister feel like she, and her side of the family is less important. If she has a bad relationship with her dad, she probably feels a strong need for a bond with her mom. It's really giving "second son to royalty" since there's most likely no such heirloom being given to her from her dad's or mom's sides.
It is definitely very hard to kick generational habits. My mom pointed it out to me last month with my grandma. It was her birthday and I spent an absurd amount of time planning the dessert I was bringing to her. Originally we were both just going to buy her something small, but I was using some leftover strawberries to make shortcake with, and I realized if I mentioned that she’d have a fit. Then I figured she’d throw catty comments about just bringing ingredients to put together the cakes and decorated them. Then I specifically deliberated and gave her 3 pieces so she wouldn’t assume I was making assumptions of her eating habits, and instead brought three with the intent of each of us having a piece, then be pleasantly surprised when we had to head back and she got to enjoy all three pieces.
My mom heard me give this whole ramble on her way back before finally saying, “and she wonders why you never visit.” And it’s very true - I don’t visit because I don’t want to spend hours of my day preparing for a 30 minute visit, considering every scenario. I don’t want to be guilted; I don’t want to hear her judge other people. I don’t want to be under the scrutiny and expectation of waiting on her hand and foot purely for the sake of her age. And I don’t want to be yelled at or be made to apologize when I don’t follow that expectation.
And sometimes you have to set that precedent.
I'm sorry a visit to your grandma causes this much stress. Does your mother feel the same?
I SO understand what you're saying.
My grandmother is a really toxic person and NO ONE in the family really likes her. She caused, and still is causing, a lot of trauma to every generation and that is not okay.
I have a very "keep up apparences" family so they keep acting like nothing's happening but I sent a text yesterday telling everyone I didn't want her in my life anymore. A BIG weight just went away and not having to stress about her anymore feels incredible.
My sister stopped talking to her years ago and my brother told me "I'm happy I just have to talk to her for 1h over the phone every year".
In a different world the first aita would have ended with op sitting through the dinner and everyone complaining that they ruined the mood or something like that
Yeah. This reminds me of every year when Christmas comes and everyone and their grandmother tries to convince me that I should spend it at my mom's, with my brothers I've cut out of my life for years, because "it would make my mom happy". No it would not. We would fight. It would in fact ruin Christmas for everybody, mom included.
@@jadziajan sorry to hear that. But you're doing the right thing- for you and everybody involved
Make a scene or leave the scene?
The sister that feels left out: I would go out and buy her some of her own that can start a tradition and tell her that you cant go against your dads wish but also that you love her no matter what and you can start the tradition together. Personally i would love a sister that did that for me if it was me :)
Yes!! I would do the same.
Totally agree, I wouldn't wear the heirloom jewellery. I'd buy something new for me and my sister for us to have as something sentimental for us.
"Heirloom jewelry" is often code for very expensive pieces that have been passed down through the family. This isn't always the case, but I can't help wonder if part of the reaon the sister is feeling the message is she isn't "good enough" to wear such precious jewelry.
I hate that “respect your elders” crap. If you’re being rude, you should be called out, age doesn’t matter. In fact, because of her age, she should know better than to act like that.
The other option was to sit down next to Nancy, and be polite.
Then ask her if she enjoyed being an arse and got off for bullying her.
Get her to explain in front of the family why she did it and an apology would be nice.
I tried that, got the answer "you provoked me by stealing my best friend's name"
Or something similar, usually about me being different, without an explanation (undiagnosed asd)
That would require alot of strength though. I don't think OP is on the point of having a civil, mature, perhaps disconnected conversation about it with the bully.
@@SlothDaan
Yes, I agree. Was thinking about that myself tbh.
Humiliate her publicly? I like that type of karma!
It definitely would have been nice. And I would have walked too.
I find the grandma's comments really interesting. I have mental health issues and all I hear from people is that I should go out more. I really hate when people say that as I have autism and I want to stay inside during the weekends because I deal with people all the time at work during the weekdays. I also commute 2 hours each way to work right now, and I am stressed about potentially having no job in 2 weeks, so I am very mentally exhausted all the time right now. I have done my time, gone outside enough that week. Leave me to my weekends of chilling out and cuddling my cats.
Yes! As long as your relax time is your choice then that is a perfectly healthy coping mechanism. For me, isolation tends to be my default and afterwards I feel worse and guilty so I need to push myself to go out more, that way when I truly don’t have the energy I know it’s my choice and I don’t feel as bad. But when I am done then I am done and people pushing from the outside just make me dig in my heels harder. It has to be my choice for it to work.
The grandma probably would've made a snarky comment about you not going out of your house enough to feel better. I feel she's one of those people where you'll never quite do the right thing according to her.
I'm sorry you have to deal with so much stress. Commuting can be exhausting, especially if you don't have your own transport. And then the stress of losing your job! Everyone would have a difficult time in your position.
I love being outside, but I don't really have energy for people all the time. (I also don't have friends, only one). So I love going on walks or bikerides (bycicle or motorcycle), strolling through the thrift shop. But all while I listen to my favorite podcasts. That way I really do feel like I was with people, but I didn't have the burden of having to react accordingly, or maybe not listening or agreeing with what someone is saying. If you need references I can tell you my favorite.
Please stay safe out there and take good care of yourself. The way you believe you should ❤
Sometimes we’re lucky if we can get out of bed for a few minutes to brush our teeth.
And “shoulds” are stupid. Unproductive and counterproductive. I’ve finally omitted most of them from my life.
I find there's a dichotomy with mental health prejudice. Either you have to be so severely ill you can't function at all, in which case you need to be hidden away so you don't inconvenience or upset people, or you have to "just get on with like everyone else does". What she said reads to me like she thinks the sister is borderline in the first category due to a lack of parental discipline and so should be excluded from society until she decides to pull herself together.
I get that a lot from people in my own life who think my mum coddled me too much. They see me on the days when I'm functioning, when I feel up to interacting with people for a little while, and they don't understand that that isn't how I am all the time. So when I do struggle in front of them, especially if my mum offers me support, they think I just need to grow up and learn to stand on my own two feet because I'm "clearly capable" based on what they usually see of me.
On the topic of your own struggles: I get it. I have no social energy left by the end of monday, let alone through the week. I'm incredibly lucky in that I have a team of colleagues who I genuinely like and get along with, and who don't drain me too much generally, and on a good day actually help me recharge. But even then, I've been invited to after work drinks with them (which is by far the easiest option for socialising for me because there's minimal transition to deal with) and I haven't yet been able to. Honestly? I would love to have a social life and/ or get out more, but it just isn't realistic alongside working full time. Not for me. It just isn't enjoyable or beneficial in any way when I'm so mentally drained, and so long as I have to work, I will always be mentally drained.
Yes, I am firmly of the opinion that "respect your elders" is often used to perpetuate abuse.
Shaaba, would you ever consider doing a video on how you managed to go from being the "of course I'd never stand up for myself" person to who you are today in just six years? I've been trying for 30 to unlearn that behavior, multiple friends and therapists have not been able to get me over that mountain yet.
The third OP should say that she will apologize after the grandmother apologized for the flagrant disrespect she showed toward the OP's mother and sister
"...since her father, my uncle, recently passed away..."
"That's not your fault."
Or is it? *raises eyebrow*
Easy out, take your sister shopping at an antique shop and find her some nice reasonable pieces of her own, use it as a bonding moment. And 20 seconds later, you said the exact same thing. Great minds!
Sure give her the haunted jewelry.😂
I had my first bout of depression when I was in my 30's. It wasn't suicidal bad, but it was bad enough to seriously affect my ability to cope. I was on anti-depressants for a couple years and eventually found out my brother was on them at the same time.
Neither one of us ever told our Dad about it - because we had heard him make a comment like "if someone is depressed they should just get over it". He was otherwise a great Dad and pretty supportive and I (now) think he would have been able to accept and understand. However, neither of us every got up the nerve to broach the subject. It makes me kind of sad.
My point in this is that it is SO easy to say things - in a moment of anger or frustration or whatever - that can have lasting repercussions on what others feel they can talk to you about.
Having dealt with people like "mental health doesn't exist" grandma being nice won't do squat. People like that NEED mean responses to get through to them.
You could've answered the "is the grandmother a bad mother" question right away after reading the first part: "My grandmother is a very traditional and conservative person. She doesn't believe in ... mental health." then stopped as it's very likely that the answer would've been "yes."
Sounds like the grandma is the type of person that wouldn't take the opportunity to grow, or even notice it if it slapped her round the face. I was in a relationship with someone who has this sort of mindset and they never change.
Yes and quite possibly she’s been given plenty of opportunities already and this time was a bridge too far.
I grew up watching my mother chastise my grandmother all the time for her out of date and inappropriate views. One thing grandma kept telling me was to be a lady, having no idea I was trans and my mom would always pipe in and say, "Mom, she's not a lady and doesn't need to be a lady." Grandma was never going to understand what I was cause those words weren't a thing in her growing up years. They weren't even a thing in mine, I found out in my 30s who I was. Sometimes explanations are just going to be lost and it's just better to shut down the conversation.
The OP heirloom jewelry, is not the AH. The jewelry is not hers to lend out. But as a sister I would do more to help her figure out the real problem!!! ❤❤❤
Seems like the respect your elders thing isn’t actually about respect but about giving them special treatment to the point that it also seems infantilizing.
Second one. The mom is the a-hole. She's ooing and ahhing over the jewelry in envy. She probably hopes you'll lend it to her. She isn't congratulating you on your achievements. She's fawning over something she cannot have. Not surprising that your sister felt left out. Mum was showering attention on the jewelry.
What??
Betcha that grandmom has been digging at OPs mother the whole time she had been married to their father and father has never said boo about it. He didn't say anything about how his mother insinuated that his wife was a bad mother but had a hissy fit when his daughter remarked his mommy might be a bad mom.
For the sisters, since it seems to be the bonding with mom side, perhaps she can plan a girl's day right before her graduation. The three, mom and sisters, can go get their hair done, or nails, and bond over that. If her mom won't ooh and ahh over that experience with her younger daughter it is an issue between the sister and mom, not OP.
Yes. Age means nothing. Respect is earned, 2 way street grandma
14:20 you can't always have time to speak with kindness when your opinion versus your elders never mattered
Would you ever go through r/amIthedevil? I'm so curious about how you would navigate what is mainly the most unhinged aita stories.
I would love her doing r/chaoticgood as well 😊
The last one reminds me of that simpsons thing I've seen around the internet where an older guy says smth like "my generation didn't talk to our elders like that" and Bart says "well my generation does." It really is a very clear generational divide of age not equaling respect, especially when that elder person is treating others rudely and expects to get some sort of medal for it or something.
* grabs bait * Fishing time!
With the last one it feels like this probably isn’t the first time they’ve dealt with the gran speaking this sort of way so I imagine they’ve tried the kinder approach before. All I’d say is that what was said isnt necessarily very helpful because someone who is in the wrong can then more easily play victim and have their defences up rather than learn they’re in the wrong. But then again if, as suspected, this is a long running issue then the gran isn’t gonna learn so you might as well feel you’ve emphasised how wrong it is what the gran is saying.
That last story -- OMG lived through the same damn thing. My kid (7) was saying something about his ADHD, and my mom (his grandmother) said "I don't see you as someone with ADHD" I immediately responded, "Luckily, your opinion wasn't required for a diagnosis."
Wait... the sister jewellery thing is a little weird... Big sister said that little sister felt left out at big sisters graduation and that's why, she wants to wear the jewellery to hers, but little sister's not supposed to be the focus point at big sisters graduation!!! There's something wrong if she feels left out in a situation where's she's supposed to be left out, since it's not her day - That sounds harsh, I don't mean, she should be ignored or anything like that, but it wasn't her graduation, so why is she expecting to get the same attention??? Imo that's the real problem...
Little sister saw big sister wear the jewelry to big sister's graduation. Now little sister's graduation is approaching and she asked big sister if she could also wear big sister's jewelry (which are heirlooms from people she is in no way related to).
She wasn't feeling left out of the graduation, she was feeling left out of the family bonding. This is something her mother and her sister share that is meaningful to both of them and that she has been barred from. Given that OP seems to have a good relationship with both her mum and her dad while her sister has a strained relationship with her own father, it's likely that the sister feels her family unit is really herself, her sister and her mum, and having that reminder that her sister is from a previous family unit she was never part of and will never be a part of is damaging to that.
Moments like that can change it from "our family" to "mum's old family" and "mum's new family" in the kids' heads, even if logically nothing has actually changed. Sister wanted to borrow the jewellery so she could share that with her sister and her mum, and OP not only refusing but citing her father (who is not related to the sister) as the reason for denying that moment of connection will have made the sister feel like OP prioritises her dad as her "real family".
It isn't OP's fault, and as an adult it's the sister's responsibility to work through those issues or at least communicate them better, but I can totally see how it would sting.
@@katharineeavan9705 Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. That it isn't the graduation itself, but the bonding that she feels left out of... What baffles me is that she wants the same bonding, her sister had at her graduation instead of her own bonding. That, to me, doesn't make sense. Wanting bonding with your mother makes sense, but wanting bonding that belongs to your sister (and her dad), seems odd... especially since she's 20 and not a small child... So either, the mother might be the problem, because she doesn't feel connected to her mother, or she has problems accepting that other people have things she doesn't, which is something she might need to work on...
Pft the way I would have caused a scene at that birthday party lol, I'm gay and petty, Nancy would have been the one that left crying I guarantee that, NTA 😂😂..
While not exactly the same, as I wasn't related to my school bully, something similiar happened with seating arrangements to me while he was still bullying me, two different times, and I am so happy OP was in a place where she could leave, because I wasn't. The first the heating was broken (very small school) so we moved out classes to a smaller building that had heating (and room for all kids to have a spot.) The teacher actively placed him next to me. The second was at dinner for mom's and their kids. (It was right around mothers day, and I do love that the school made it mothers and their kids, not just mothers and daughters like so many events tended to do during the early 00s.) It was a several long tables pushed together, moms on one side, kids on opposite and in front of their mother. Mom and I had sat down, there were plenty of spots left.... but once sat down coudln't change to not get things mised up.... and my bully's mom ACTIVELY chose to sit directly next to my mom so he ended up next to me, she was aware her son was bullying me and by this point had called my mom begging her to get me to not be angry or scared of him... so she knew.... I barely ate and my mom ate quickly with excuse we needed to leave early since we lived farther away than most.
My cousin has that "respect your elders" attitude. She is seriously at the point where she may never see her kids again, because she is refusing to apologize or consider the notion that she did anything wrong.
I don't think "respect your elders" should mean "roll over and treat your elders' words as gospel", but I do think it should mean "a person's older age does not make them any less deserving of the kind of treatment you'd give to a younger adult". Like, you should be able to replace "grandma" with "aunt" or "cousin" in any given situation, and still have the same reaction, inter-personal details aside. Age shouldn't be a factor in how you treat an adult person.
That first one's really hit me. Even as a middle-aged man I've still had nightmares about one of my school bullies; if in my 20s they'd shown up to a family dinner thing like that I couldn't promise I'd not've been due a long jail term, nevermind just walking out.
Respect your elders is an awkward thing, no-one is due respect just for existing if they aren't for their actions. The thing is though that they have got a lot of experiences and lives which have been potentially very different; they will know things we don't. Rationing during the war, very separated genders (women not being accepted in pubs etc-or looked down on for going to them at least) such a different world...mostly a worse one across the board. I remember having a chat with my Gran, when she was reminiscing about this sort of thing in a wistful sounding way, and asking "so do you think that was better" and her being shocked and replying no it was awful. It'd really sounded like she was judging our generation for being wussy and not having had any of the privation etc that they had; but that wasn't really what she meant, more that we should remember it and be thankful for the improvements we have even when other things suck.
the third one annoys me so much their grandma is SO rude, like if that happened to me, if i felt like i could have answer, i am so glad they felt like they should say that and honestly, for some older people being more clear and, well rude makes the most sense, its the easiest way to make them listen
Assuming OP isn't leaving out details about her dynamic with her sister and how she approached the request, I think the dad is the real AH in the second one. Why refuse something that would presumably also be meaningful to his own daughter?
But it’s not his daughter
I would not call the dad an AH but I do wonder what all the fuss is about this heirloom jewellery. Is it still the dad‘s but the mother / ex wife and now the daughter are allowed to wear it with permission only? Is it some super expensive stuff that cannot be passed down to the daughter as a present nor gifted to the (ex) wife? I understand that the parents divorced and some of the jewellery is staying in the family, but I also find it weird that none of it was gifted to the mother during the marriage, especially as she wore it so often. Seems very royal family everything belongs to the queen.
@@s.a.4358 From what I've seen from similar stories on AITA. Some actually have lawyers and legal papers involved as to who owns the heirlooms. Usually if it's something with a bit of value it seems. In those papers there are usually rules for how they are supposed to be passed down along with who can wear them. Though of course some heirlooms are more along the lines of great aunt Muriels wedding ring or something, and it's purely a matter of sentimentality. Though I can't personally relate to the heirloom thing, it's clearly something of importance in some families.
@@VieseDoe Sounds like it could be that kind of situation indeed. And maybe money / possessions is also one of the factors at hand here, if one father / family is more wealthy than the other and the sister is somehow jealous or feels like OP is showing off.
I 100% agree with all the verdicts.
I would cut the "people" that are clearly arseholes out of my life for good tbh.
I've got the feeling that Shaaba will never run out of content with this thread
I agree with all of your verdicts. I will say, though, for the last one; I personally found that the people who make the kinds of comments like the grandmother, they are not in a place themselves to be educated. OP could have gone the education route, but ultimately ended up with dear grandmother in a tizzy about the disrespect and backtalk. In these situations, it is just better to cut it off before it gets going. And sometimes it can later lead to educating. One day, grandmother could approach OP and ask, "I realise now that I might have said something wrong, but I don't know what. Could you help me?" and then the education process could begin. But it'll be more likely that- no matter what OP had said- the grandmother will be adamant that she said nothing wrong and that's sad. The entire situation is sad from start to finish. Though, I am glad OP's sister is getting the help she needs. People getting the help they need is always a positive in my books.
Re: #2, OP should also have a conversation with mom about not making such a huge deal about the jewelry given the effect it has on the sister.
If mom hadn’t gushed over it, sis would never have noticed it in the first place so perhaps going forward, if mom keeps her mouth shut, sis won’t know the difference next time (as presumably she isn’t familiar enough with heirlooms of a family she isn’t part of to recognize them on sight)
Magic Mondays are the ones where Shaaba and Jamie post AITAs.
The last story is so familiar to me.
I JUST cut ties with my maternal grandmother (I started calling her by her name instead of names like "grandma" too and announced it to my family yesterday).
She is a really toxic person incapable of empathy.
She didn't have a great childhood (born at the beginning of the war, her mother and younger brother died not long after which made her dad dive into alcoholism and put her in an christian orphanage). But THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE EVERYTHING!
She did and said really terrible things to all of her children and grandchildren throughout her whole life and created a lot of trauma.
And like in OP's comment, she kept making shitty comments about my twin sister who's going through a lot (sever depression, addiction and eating disorders). My sister is the most important person in my life, everyone knows that, but that didn't stop her.
Your parents and grandparents don't deserve respect just because they are your parents and grandparents. They deserve respect because they treat you with an equal amount of respect. And you have the right to put some distance between you and them if they are toxic.
I love how you reflected on your own personal growth and acknowledged the first OPs right to stand up for themselves against their family. We stan a confident accountable Queen who keeps nourishing her personality 👏🏻 👑
People act like old people can't change or grow and must all adopt and retain the attitudes they were raised with, and so you have to "respect" their opinions because it somehow isn't their fault if they're awful. It's ridiculous.
I have a lot of issues with my own grandparents and there are a lot of topics I'd cringe to talk to them about, but they were very open with me about how they were raised with racist and homophobic societal influences and had always had to (but crucially still did) work hard to dismiss those first socially programmed thoughts and treat people well. They continued to do this work on topics of invisible disability and neurodiversity as their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren collected diagnoses.
My grandma is currently in her mid-90s, as my grandad was when he died last year. That's a good 20-30 years older than a lot of these elders that people insist were "raised in another time" and so can't be expected to do better.
I know those aren't the same things as understanding and validating mental health issues, but it is very clear evidence that people can and do identify and challenge their own prejudices no matter when or how they were raised, or how long ago. Age is not an excuse and should never be respected as one.
I was really badly bullied at uni and if my parents took me to a restaurant with her there I genuinely don't know how I'd react but it'd be incredibly traumatic and I would genuinely just leave, my reaction to staying would be much worse
oh grandma..... there is a reason i was not allowed to be near my grandparents alone. i lack a censor. and have been told to respect my elders more times than i can count when i correct them or bring up stuff that would be done historically. like how backyard lobotomies use to be popular with housewives and they would get sick because dude used the same ice pick on all and was not a doctor. or how sodas use to be marked as meds. just bring up all the stuff that people used to treat mental health in the past that didn't work and you will see them turn colors. and often they will tell me i am wrong but just a simple google search and they are eating crow.
While I understand what you said at 14:09, it sounds like OP has history with the grandmother where they may have already attempted this, but the grandma deflected this. Also, I think a lot of grandparents need to learn the hard way that it is not okay for them to crap talk about their kids that way to their literal children. So I personally think OP putting their foot down so harshly was kind of needed, but that's just me.
OP who said it to their grandma is probably the most "not the asshole" I've seen
These video's are truly the best way to unwind on monday evenings
First story is weird. What has the desth git to do with it? (This may be a neurospicy moment) it was a few years ago its not like it was really recent and the cousin needed support. I feel bad for op :(
One of the easiest AITA decisions I’ve ever made. NOT!
You are quite correct. That was a ridiculous "excuse". In fact, it would still be ridiculous even if the the death was the day before the party - unless Nancy was staying with the grandparents and they didn't want to leave her alone.
Yeah, it felt like, "now that her dad had died she knows what it's like to be sad so wants to be friends"
Didn’t expect Shaaba to call my bum fuzzy today
first one is so sad, sounds like the restaurant needs to be reserved quite a bit in advance, so by inviting OP’s cousin they stripped her of her bday dinner at this special place. makes mad how the one who had to leave on their own birthday dinner was OP, and now they have to wait if they want to organize another one. hope they did end up celebrating properly and shame on the parents for making OP feel guilty about this, when they are the ones who should be for ruining her birthday
Grandma can feel better on her own if she tries lol 😂
Oof, sounds like you were raised the same way I was. I'm glad you were able to find a better way.
The concept of story one happened to me for my 16th birthday. My friends had my back and we left. I hate my birthday to this day. Birthday depression is real.
Anyone who says the phrase "respect your elders" with 0 compromise is disgusting and a complete idiot. I don't care what age you are, you earn respect by your attitude and actions. We all have things to learn from every generation, even little kids can give us new ideas. You don't get respect just for existing for a certain number of years. OP expressed an opinion, that I agree with, and was well within their right to do so whether the grandmother wants to admit it or not.
Id go no contact with parents and if grandparents were responsible them too.
As someone who works in the mental health field, I approve OP's comment to grandma 👵 Also, this doesn't necessarily apply in subreddits but when you mentioned giving advice, it reminded me of the 12 blocks to active listening, 1 of them being advice giving. When someone asks for advice, it's perfectly fine to give. When someone doesn't, don't. This is especially stressed to mental health providers as people will only do things they're motivated to do, as well as if they're able & prompted to do the task. If we tell someone to quit smoking who doesn't want to, even though it would help their anxiety to quit, they likely won't do it. We humans are funny creatures that are often educated enough to know what to do while simply not doing those things😅
Anyone else find it weird how they used the cousin's father's death as a reason to stay? I mean loosing a parent is definitely traumatizing, and one might never get "over" that experience..but it was still 2ish years ago, had nothing to do with the cousins and seemingly had nothing do with the date of op's birthday etc..
Re: the heirloom jewelry- I have (unfortunately) inherited family heirlooms from my mom. While they are legally now my possessions, I do not think of them as my own. I consider that I am their current caretaker and I am responsible for their safekeeping until they pass to my niece. I can wear them, but the belong to my family, past, present and future.
3rd story: there's a difference between "respect" and "pandering." OP is right, and while there might be more measured ways to say it, I would guess that granny wouldn't have listened to them. The response sounds warranted, all things considered, and I wouldn't want to apologize either.
I'm getting pink hair next week and I'll be matching with you!!!
1: NTA. Hope OP never lets their parents organise a birthday dinner again.
2: NTA. I feel like the situation started off in NAH territory, but didn't stay there.
3: NTA.
I absolutely do bot automaticslly respect my elders. I work as a nurse with elderly patients and they often hold some really problematic views. Racist, misogynistic etc. Especially towards black people. I'll definitely call it out whenever I hear it.
1st. Inviting Nancy after OP specifically said they didn't want her there is bad enough but to then try and force them to sit together?! How did they think OP would be okay with that? NTA but I would call a family meeting and make it abundantly clear to everyone (including Nancy!) that OP A. Doesn't forgive her for what she did, and B. That under no circumstances is a stunt like that to be pulled again!
2. NTA but maybe talk to mum and see if Mum has other jewelry to lend to the daughter? Or maybe both go and buy her a necklace or bracelet?
3. NTA. Don't have much else to add on that one that hasn't been said.
I thought the read on the family as wanna-be peacemakers was right on. Everyone should make peace right? Even when that road has been tried and it's not gone well. Nor should it be at the wronged party's birthday dinner.
Ooh, the last one is an interesting one! I absolutely don’t agree with “respect elders” and have on more than one occasion challenged similar outdated views about mental health, however I also know how annoyed my parents would be if I spoke to either of my grandmothers like that and then walked off. I agree with Shaaba that using that as an opportunity to educate the grandmother would have been ideal, however I’m also a protective big sister and have similar feelings towards people who are disrespectful when discussing mental health so I’m not sure how I would react in that situation! Anyway, OP is definitely NTA as if the grandmother wasn’t rude/disrespectful in the first place the situation wouldn’t have happened and therefore it’s the grandmother who needs to apologise imo.
Yeah, I think this one's complicated. Grandma was rude, and honestly so was OP. I have a distant and slightly strained relationship with my grandparents because of the ways my grandma reacted to my mental health struggles while I was a teenager. It would have felt really great to have my sibling defend me like that, but now as an adult I wouldn't want them to be so abrasive about it. Generally, I like to think that conflicts like these are an opportunity for people to learn and understand each other better.
I actually do think that OP should apologize for being so harsh. But not for the sentiment, and not without a longer discussion, with their parents present, about why grandma's comment wasn't appropriate. The one thing I really wish my mom would have done is drawn a firm boundary that my treatment wasn't any of my grandparents' business, and that they weren't in a position to know what would be best for me, especially if they weren't willing to put the effort into building a deeper relationship with me first.
Always love your videos❤❤
Love you Shaaba!! 🩷🩷🍑🍑
Great video as always 😊❤️
Did the parents invite the bully or the grands? Either way, it was badly done and I agree with walking out.
For the last AITAH, a short comment and OP removing themselves might have been the best thing for them - sometimes seniors are very set in their mindset and won't change or listen no matter how you present it to them and what you say and may actually end up telling you that you don't know how the world works and you are wrong. With such people in order to protect your own peace and sanity, it is best to just walk away - even that can trigger them into asking you to apologise for being rude 😅
You know, in the second to last story why not go hit up some pawn shops with the mom, put aside sone money maybe mom could put in too and gift the younger sister some antique pieces of her own?
I love these videos :D
Regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little peaches, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
The third story deserves a youtuber apology™ and see how she handles the mandatory gaslighting
Story 2: I get the feeling the sister felt entitled. I get she would feel left out given she's not close with her own dad but even so, I wouldn't ask my dad's wife to use her heirlooms. I would suggest she ask for a nice keepsake for her graduation, something that she can look back on and even wear again, kinda like asking for something special for landmark bdays.
Story 3:...*sighs* Grandma is talking like she had never had a mental health problem in her life. YOU CAN'T JUST GET OVER IT! (btw I have autism and my nanna didn't believe I had autism because I wasn't diagnosed as a kid or act like her SIL's daughter, after a while and talking through it she accepts I have autism but still struggles to understand the things that affect my day to day life...like everyone else does, even my own mother)
Ahh well unfortunately in my family, my parents dont believe in anything apart from all manner of phobia, aka homophobia, racism, bigotry, and being the assholes. No understanding, no growing or learning. lts just a shitshow, where us kids are always wrong, they are always right and we always have to apologize. Almost 60yrs along and l dont think anything will change.
The first one I can relate to my cousin was my biggest bully and she was also a popular girl at our school and when I came out as trans ftm she got all her friends to make fun of me
How dare you call out my fuzzy butt lol
I would have stayed at the birthday dinner and unloaded on Nancy. Then i would have been the AH.
Jewellry Girls: Little sis has a big inferiority complex going on - her Mother fussed over her big sister, and not her; her Father isn't handing out heirlooms, or earning respect, but her sister's is; big sister possesses (even if she doesn't technically "own") a quantity of fine jewelry that little sister isn't entitled to wear. This sounds to me like a job for Mom. They share a mother. That mother is ultimately responsible for the entire situation. Mom needs to find something for little sis, that is all her own. Something to make her feel extraordinary for her graduation. Something that would make her forget all about the jewels. I'd like it if Mom talked to ex-husband to arrange for her elder daughter to actually own the heirlooms, if he already "gave" them to her. He's using them as a way to divide his ex's family from each other, and that is not cool. Bully at the Birthday: Yeah, screw all you. Nancy sounds like a narcissist who has her family convinced that she is somehow the victim for being excluded. Who brought her? I'll bet that Nancy manipulated them into it, and that they hardly knew what was happening. Then they were too embarrassed to accept responsibility, and it was just easier to dump on Birthday Girl, since she's not the manipulative narc, and won't make their lives hell. I would have caused more of a scene. Grandma is a classic case isn't she? Matriarchs who never had an ounce of insight or tact, being given a pass for their terrible words and behaviours. I think we're all tired of making excuses for people who don't care about anyone else's feelings. In all these cases, the OP is trying to stand for some kind of right, against big odds. 1 rational person can't fix a family full of bad dynamics. Sometimes, families lose their best members because of it.
My fuzzy butt (lol) never misses an AITA 🎉
I don't think age excuses shitty behaviour, that being said, I think you should avoid being that harsh on your elders. It's not like you can't call them out, but I think that the fact they are family matters, and that you really don't want to sew that seed of anger inside your family, because such stuff can stay in there for ages. Also, I don't think that older people deserve more respect, but I think they do deserve more gentleness. They're living in the world that's way ahead of them and they have put in a lot of work in creating the family you're in, and I think because of that you shouldn't give them too hard of a time over stuff they do that bothers you. It doesn't mean you can't be honest with them, it means you shouldn't be purposefully mean to them. You can always speak up for yourself and your loved ones, but you can do it in a more tactful way than coming back at your granny this way.
I agree with your takes on the first and last but the middle doesn't quite sit right with me.
I'm not saying the sister should have lent it anyways but I think there is a clear lack of regard for her sister's feelings and honestly almost comes across as a conceded feeling with her comments on her sister's father? But I mean 1) the jewelry used to be her mother's so the other sister has the right to have that sentimental feeling about it 2) as others have said there is likely some element of if she really is on bad terms with the step father wanting to feel closer and also get that kind of praise from her mom like the OP did. 3) again I'm not saying OP should have to lend it but if it's hers now then it feels like she was making an excuse to not have to lend it by asking her dad? Instead she should have talked out those feelings with her sister. The whole "wouldn't lend it even if she could now" gives of real rancid vibes, something hasn't been said here and I still feel like OP has talked about her sister in a way that sounds like she thinks she is better than her sis. Maybe that wasn't her intention but something in the water aint clean here.
"respect your elders" elders need to give respect first you don't get treated as a saint that can do no wrong but because you managed to not piss off someone enough to to kill you yet
and the parents who went against OPs wished and not only invited their bully to the birthday dinner but set it up to where they sit next to each other I hope OP goes NC with you this dinner was planned weeks in advanced and you clearly tried to make it look like the family was all hunky dory again don't use the uncle that died years ago to excuse Nancy's behavior OP is owed an apology but they do not owe forgiveness back especially to someone who is not even apologetic
Dad gave OP the jewelry. It’s weird AF that he is dictating what she can and cannot do with the jewelry. I think OP should be able to do whatever she wants with the jewelry, her choice to loan it to the sister or not. It’s honestly so silly to put relationships AFTER objects regardless of their sentimental “value”.
I wonder if it is really OP’s though or she is just allowed to wear it but it still belongs to the father or someone else in the family. There seems to be a lot of rules and attention around that jewellery, first with the (ex) wife and now the daughter and the (seeming) rules about it strictly having to stay in the father’s family.
If it's very old and valuable he may still be the official owner as far as insurance goes and it may not be insured if lended out. Also, we don't know the circumstances of the divorce, for all we know little sister is the child of the man that mom cheated with.
The jewellery story, the dad was an asshole
AITA for wearing a dress that my ex bffs mom bought, two weeks after we stopped being friends.
The title doesnt really make sense, but yeah.
So me (14F), M (13F) and N (13 at the time F) had been best friends since earlier last year, and have been really close since oct, but now since feb we've started fighting. It happened bc M tried to join the popular group at school, ( I homeschool but N and M are in the same school, I use to go there) the thing is i the popular group there are these two girls, J and S, who use to bully M and N, I was also bullied by them but bc I wasn't in the school it didn't really bother me. They made Ms live miserable and were raciest towards N (none of them are white so it wasn't a big deal for anyone but they called N brianne head bc she is indian) Anyway when M started becoming fiends with them we started worrying about her and the first fight was us not wanting her to join that group.
Later on in fights it was M who felt like N and I were ganging up against her, which is fine, but she always did everything over text, never confronting things face to face. When M got mad she would say really mean and rude things to us especially to N, she said more than once she would always chose me over her bc we've known each other longer and that I've never done anything against her, But then tell me I'm a bad friend when she was mad at me. More than once M called off the friendship and I always waited a bit for her to calm done and then messeged her saying I didn't want to lose her and apologizing for hurting her feelings.
Now, Ns birthday was coming closer and she was looking for a dress that she could get. We wound this really cute ones and decided to all get it. Ms mom then bought them online, we insisted on paying back but she said it was with coupons so it was free. The dresses came, M wore hers to a party of one of the popular girls. Everything was fine.
Then our last fight, M got mad again and lashed out. This time she said a lot of really mean things to me, while just ignoring N, (on text as always) She said that I should f off, to stay away from her, to go to hell, that I'm a backstabber, that I did worse to her than J did, I then told her to see what she said to me and that it will be really hard this time for mr to let her back, she said she wouldn't ever come back even if I paid her. Anyway she then messaged me like two days later basically saying it was for the best, then said I was the one who threw away our friendship.
Anyway N finished her exams and I was leaving for summer holidays like two days later, so we decided to have a sleepover and photoshoot at the beach (N loves photoshoots) we decided to use the dresses we had that Ms mom got us, they were really pretty and we haven't worn them yet. I don't really tell my mom everything so I didn't tell her i was going to wear it, I didn't think anything of it and just went to the sleepover. When I got home I didn't think of telling or showing my mom anything bc I was really tiered. Later my mom came to me asking why I hid that I was wearing that dress, she saw pics on Ns states. Them my mom said I was being a a-hole for wearing it so soon after. I left it but them my mom said that we were purposely excluding M, when we got the dresses together, and now wearing it without her. She said we could have invited her and that I was being very inconsiderate.
AITA?
I don’t think you are an AH but I also think there was no need to wear a dress that was bought for you by the mother of someone who is no longer your friend, and make a public social media post about it. Wear the dress, it was a present, but don’t flaunt it for everyone and your previous BFF to see. Not everything should be put on social media.
No. M has made it perfectly clear that the friendship is over. Why on earth would you think/want to invite her?
@@s.a.4358 I have all private social media, and M blocked us on them. My mom saw it on Ns whatsapp status, she posts a lot, but M had blocked her.
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I disagree with your verdict on the last one, to my surprise because I am very conscious of mental health being a thing - a hugely important thing that should be cherished and nourished. But I say "Everybody Sucks Here" - you put it well that the mic drop moment didn't create an opportunity for growth and change in the grandmother's unhelpful attitude, but I want to add that it was a response calculated to be hurtful without in any way illuminating or improving the situation. No matter how accurate the comment, that isn't okay. It isn't an age or respect issue, it's an issue of being a decent human being.
But she also said that "no one is owed kindness". If you're an asshole, you waive your rights to have other people be kind to you. No one owes you anything that you are not also giving them, and that includes kindness.
op shouldn’t feel like they need to be the one teaching a lesson. they’re probably sick of this grandmas bs by now as it seems she’s been like this many times before, so i say NTA.
i'd say i agree with you. though the grandma was definitely harsh and has lots of unlearning to do, technically she (the grandma) wasn't being a asshole to OP and OP could have used it as a teaching opportunity. if the grandma spoke to the sister in that way, that language could be warranted because it's very personal and hurtful. on the other hand i could imagine how uncomfortable and perhaps triggering that was for OP to hear about her sister who she cares a lot about. so yeah, i'd say ESH (though OP had her heart in the right place in defense of her sister)
This is hard for me to relate to because I feel like if I'd said the exact same thing to a member of my family, regardless of our opposing opinion, they would have reacted with something along the lines of "lmao right. Good one." or "sure, I wouldn't actually want to be her mom either." It seems to me that this grandma has fairly thin skin for someone who's criticising someone for being coddled too much. There's probably more going on to make OP's comments come off so strongly.
Yes, exactly - what you said about OP's response being deliberately hurtful is a good enough reason for them to apologize in my book. In my family, I was the teen with the mental illness that my grandparents didn't understand. It would have felt good to have my sibling stand up for me like that, but it wouldn't have helped the situation. I do think OP should apologize, with their parents present, and include an explanation as to why what grandma said was hurtful, give her an opportunity to apologize as well. It would be excellent if they could get her to understand that punishing someone for being sick isn't helpful, but not everyone is open to learning, unfortunately.
Having been in a similar family dynamic, what I most wanted at the time was some goddamned privacy. It would have been the most helpful if my mom had established and enforced some firm boundaries that it was inappropriate for my grandparents to comment on or interfere with my treatment or educational decisions, especially if they weren't going to put effort into actually understanding what I was going through.
OP should probably apologize - as an opening to a better conversation. And whether or not that conversation is productive, boundaries should be established to protect OP's sister.