Bride got confronted on her wedding day because she HID IT til her wedding day. Being the bride doesn't mean you get a pass on nasty things you've done.
This is it exactly, she wouldn't have hid it if she didn't know it would hurt Grandma. And if she hadn't hit she wouldn't have received a sudden and expected push back when she revealed it on her wedding day.
Hmm - I'd classify this as a "grey area" case, mostly because we don't know how Amy felt about her ring. It is indeed suspicious that she "hid" it, but as Shaaba always says, 3 sides to the story, maybe Amy isn't as devious as the OP makes her sound and she was just very happy to be able to make this into her dream wedding ring, while thinking she was still respecting the heirloom by incorporating it. Don't get me wrong, I would have NEVER done what Amy did and I totally totally get OP's shock and horror at seeing what became of an object of such sentimental value, BUT I have to agree with Shaaba that it would have been better to wait at least a day, so that the argument they got into is not so loaded and so impactful. Now it will be a lot harder to repair the relationship than if OP had confronted her cousin any other day. But then again I fully understand losing her cool and being unable to postpone her reaction.
(Regarding the first story) I married into a family that had a "heirloom wedding ring". I was shown it after I complained that I just couldn't find a ring I really liked. Someone in the family had previously removed the diamond from its setting and placed it in a trendy-for-that-time band. We paid $100 to put the original diamond back into the original setting and resize it. It was absolutely the ring of my dreams, simple, classy, yet with character. It was better than any ring I could have designed. The bride could have easily used the diamond but not MELT the setting.
that is such a good point, and tbh pretty heartbreaking to think that up until that point it could've still been either reversible or simply a case of "i'll use the diamond, you can use the setting" and then at least they'd share the heirloom
@@fernandaparraguirre5237 Exactly! That would have been so nice for everyone around her, and wouldn't have made it look like she was just in it to use it to save money.
Agreed! My great grandma's first husband died when my dad was a child. When she remarried, she kept the rings from her first marriage to pass on to her family. One of her daughters had the stones removed and placed in other jewelry, since they were the stones from her mother and father's rings. The settings were kept as well though and passed down. My grandma gave my sister and I the opportunity to go through my great grandma's jewelry that was given to her after great grandma passed away, and the settings were there. My little sister and I took them and agreed we each get one, engagement ring for me and wedding band for her, so that we could each have one sentimental ring and one new ring picked by us and our partner. And also to split the cost, because each ring is over $1k to repair to maintain the setting, as the prongs/setting was heavily damaged when the stones were removed, and they need some gold added to re-thicken the shank of the band after 40+ years of wear. My guess is that Amy wanted the diamond but not the setting, and was told that once the stone was removed, the setting would essentially not be worth the cost to repair, as that is what I was told as well, and that it would cost more to fix than its value, and she saw more sentimentality in the stone than the setting. I still think it was wrong for her to just assume no one else in the family would be willing to pay the cost for the sentimental value of keeping the setting rather than using its melt value as a credit towards her bigger ring.
Regarding the first one: A ring like that has emotional significance to many members of the family, and is also several decades old. I'm not exactly sure how old something has to be for it to be considered an antique, but it's at least very much a vintage piece. So much clothing is already lost from older eras, it breaks my heart that people take stuff they own and completely change it to the point where it's unrecognisable. If you don't like grandma's ring, guess what, you don't need to wear it. Just respectfully decline and buy one more suited to your tastes. Why must you destroy a piece of history?
This reads to me like she didn't have the money (or her fiance didn't) for the big diamonds she wanted, so she took the ring and changed it to make it cheaper than buying a new one outright. If I'm right, it's kinda disgusting.
exactly! I was supposed to inherent a clock from my family. But i didn't like it, it smelled weird and I just wasn't' into it. other people in the family were. So I declined having it because I most likely would have just sold it. I understood it meant a lot to the people around me so I didn't want to take that away from them because I didn't care or cherish it compared to them. i dunno why that is so hard to do, just decline if you aren't into it.
Reminds me of that show Karolina Zebrowska was watching this wedding dress reconstruction show where the dresses, regardless of how beautiful or of their time they were, were each and every one turned from a historical object into “prom dress that should be $40 but is $500 for some reason”
last one is ridiculous. The GF is terrible. What difference does it make if his kid shares his DNA? And she does, he's biologically her uncle. So still share DNA
Exactly. Who cares if he's biologically her dad? She was still his _brother's daughter,_ and he took her in after the brother passed. They still share DNA, and he's still her adoptive father. Sure, I suppose he could've told the GF that he effectively adopted her before the GF and daughter met, but I get the feeling she still would've had a similar reaction anyway. "Made me put up with an annoying kid that isn't yours," who the fuck says that to someone??
To be honest, if a new partner told me they had a child, my first response would be "okay, is the other parent still involved, or do you have full custody?" Cause I wouldn't want to be an issue to the other half of that parent and that would be a great opportunity to explain. Then again, he didn't really lie so he dodged a serious bullet with that one
I mean at least ask permission to alter stuff like that first. From when I was a child I wanted to wear my grandmother's wedding dress, just like my aunt did. My aunt already took it out quite a bit (grandma was teeny tiny and didn't have much of a chest) but it still didn't fit me or my sister (grandma's only granddaughters) The price to have it altered would have been tremendous and there was no guarantee they could find a matching fabric, so with my aunt's permission, my sister and I requested we have the fabric used to make a satin robe to wear while getting ready and the sleeves be turned into ring bearer pillows. That way, we could have something of our grandmother's on our wedding days. My fiancé proposed with his grandmother's ring, and while the style isn't something I would have picked for myself, I love it dearly and wouldn't dream of changing a thing about it!
hi! this isn’t about the wonderful Shaaba. this is just a word on Pride Counseling from my experience: a word of caution that Pride Counseling is just BetterHelp (like, it literally is the company BetterHelp) but slightly more expensive with counselors who just self-ID as LGBTQ+ affirming. the counselors aren’t necessarily experienced with queer or trans issues. my therapist through Pride Counseling was affirming of queer and trans identities but not actually trained to discuss my experiences from a queer lens. as a result, they weren’t as equipped to discuss mental health problems related to queer trauma like a fellow queer person OR a trained LGBTQ+ specialist would. they’ve simply checked a box that they are okay with LGBTQ+ people - from what I understand. I will note that accessible queer-affirming therapy is a huge deal in the first place, but I just wanted to give that experience to people considering it.
As a patient with Pride Counseling, I will agree that the therapists are affirming, but might not be a part of the community and might not be as familiar with some aspects as someone specialized more might be. They are also therapists, not psychologists. (At least necessarily, I don't know if there are some that are.) That said, my counselor is a straight ally, and any time something comes up that she is not as well versed in, she talks about that and then goes and researches/looks into it, and then we discuss it more later. For example, not only am I queer (pan/bi, aego/asexual), but I am also polyamourous. While knowing what that was, she was not versed in it. She made the effort to listen to me and then to seek resources to become better able to have those discussions. That is quite useful and appreciated, and is hard to find sometimes in therapists. I would rather that, then someone who has (potential mis-) conceptions about what I'm talking about that isn't open to learning more. Considering that this helps fill the gap of availability that our community suffers from, it's still better than not having that affirmation and/or not having any resources for therapy at all. Ella, I'm not disagreeing with your point at all. I just wanted to add my experience for people to see.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I learned about Pride Counseling from Jaime's channel and looked into it and when I was saw it was from BetterHelp, I decided to stay far away because I've had bad experiences with them. It is good to hear from someone who has tried it though.
Thank you for sharing, that's helpful information. Charging extra for an "affirming" therapist really sucks, especially becuase they could easily incorporate that into the "quiz" in the main service. They're rebranding and marking up their prices for queer people and being misleading about the service they're offering. That's not a company that cares about queer people. wow.
Yay for Nora's dad/uncle for putting the child first. Too many adults putting their own wants first at the expense of the child's welfare and it leaves a lasting impact
exactly. it is still his child. just because she is biologically his niece doesn't change that. i feel that if someone had said those nasty things about my niece, although i am not raising her i would still cut ties with that person. in his case it is his daughter these things are being said about of course he should be furious. that woman seems very toxic
My only question is, why don't they transfer the legal parental rights from the brother to OP? If the child already lives with OP and views OP as her dad, would it not just be easier and take less time overall in certain situations where you may need things like a legal copy of the parent/guardian? If the guardian/parent doesn't live with the child, surely it's going to take more time. Or have I misunderstood the actual situation as to why the daughter is with OP?
With the last one, I don’t even think the issue was if the gf was told or not. She was upset that she “had to put up with that annoying kid that isn’t even yours”. She probably believed that because Nora is not biologically or legally op’s, op was supposed to choose the gf over Nora because they didn’t get along. I do not think he was obligated to tell her the situation, but it is strange they never talked about it.
First story: Part of me thinks OP shouldn’t have mentioned anything to grandma until after the wedding, but then the other part of me wonders if it was better for grandma to learn about it before seeing it. Because, let’s be real, you know Grandma is going to want to look at the ring during the wedding. Everybody looks at the ring. They take pictures of the ring. And this is a family heirloom ring. Grandma was probably better prepared to react once she had been forewarned.
I've worked in jewelry repair and... in one small thing in Amy's defense (even though she is definitely the asshole), it is entirely possible that a ring like that was in serious disrepair. I've seen a lot of heirloom rings that are so worn that the better thing to do for the long term is create a new piece using elements from the old one. That being said, to say it needed to be resized when really it was being remade entirely is sketchy and definitely makes Amy the asshole. If it was in disrepair, she probably would have said something about that and based on what OP said, it seems like she just wanted a huge diamond (don't even get me started). The only reason you wouldn't say anything or ask is because you'd knew you'd get pushback or make people upset and the fact that she hid it until the wedding day and wasn't showing it off all over the place is very telling. Antique, vintage, and heirloom pieces are so rare and so important and if it was in good condition, I find destroying it unconscionable. If there are pictures or a good description, OP can definitely have a new one with the same design remade. This is entirely doable. No, it won't be the same, but it's some small consolation.
Re: the first one--OP is NTA. Grandma was going to see the ring, and if Amy had shared with everyone prior to the wedding, it wouldn't have happened on her wedding day. But something so important and sentimental just got destroyed--I completely understand OP feeling like the floor was taken out from under her and needing to ask if others knew. Was it rash? Yes. But I don't think bringing it up later would have made Amy's decision hurt any less in the long run. And Amy certainly IS TA for what she did.
Wow that ring one really upset me. My sister inherited my grandma's wedding and engagement rings cause she's the oldest (we're twins so I'm a bit salty about it haha) and I'd be so upset if she completely changed it.
I’m a twin mum and so mindful of this. I’m sorry you feel hurt by this. FYI, your twin isn’t “older”; she happened to be born first which IMO doesn’t mean older it means closer to the exit. Just my opinion though.
@Twinning agreed but I respect my grandma's decision. She was very traditional in that sense. My sister is great and really treasures the rings. It was just annoying not being seen as the oldest by a technicality (7 mins after). Edit: haha love "closer to the exit" 😂
For the first one, I think it's kind of important to note that Amy was the one who initially brought up the ring, which is in my opinion what turns OP from maybe being slightly one of TAs here into NTA. Amy specifically showed them the rings, and no matter how much it is your wedding day, other people are still allowed to have their own opinions and reactions towards choices you make, and especially in this case where OP is suddenly confronted with an important family heirloom having been changed in such a drastic way, honestly I think it's pretty reasonable for her to get upset and say what she did. Amy definitely brought that reaction upon herself by not communicating this change and suddenly confronting OP with it, and is absolutely TA, especially for not even asking grandma if she was okay with the changes.
Her waiting to until the wedding day just makes it seem so calculated. Like she was banking on no one getting mad at her on "her special day." That she didn't tell the grandmother either, that just makes her look so conniving.
Related to the first post, I think there’s a way to do it and a way not to do it. I received heirloom jewelry from my mother that belonged to her grandmother, but I received it specifically with the intention to rework it into my fiancée’s and my wedding rings. It had been remade once before already and had no particular sentimental value in its existing form. The original owner is long since passed, my mother loves the new rings, and it’s more about the spirit of family being present in the new rings than the original jewelry itself. (Our rings are gorgeous, btw)
That's really cool. I feel like it adds more since it means that you all have part of you put into the ring before it goes to the next person. That's really epic.
Yeah the difference seems to be it came from the family, and with your communication, it stayed with the family. Like I tell people about my great great aunt’s silver tea set that she carried out of the Chicago Fire a lot. I’m never going to have it in my house, since there are too many other cousins. But my aunt who has it now has promised to never sell it or melt it down. She’ll give any of us who want to keep it as is first dibs and sell it to one of us if she *really* needs the money that bad. Sounds like OP would have paid money to keep that ring the way that mattered to her. She should have at least had that chance
I'm on the fence as it really depends on a lot of additional factors. Although it would have probably been best to discuss with grandma first. If I treat everyone in this story with the most empathetic charitable view. It's just awkward. Some people carry on feeling the sentimental value when it remade in to something personal that holds a part of their family. The whole thing just upsets me tbh. As I think between the lack of communication, and the wedding day conversation, everyone involved probably ended up feeling a bit unhappy about the situation.
@@justsomethoughts6110 oh for sure. I would be very upset, but there’s nothing for it now. Everyone just needs to try talking and listening to each other again ^_^
See this was partially my perspective. Everyone is calling Amy names, but Amy was appreciative of the ring and wanted to keep it and USE it. If she didn’t change it to something she would use and appreciate, it would likely have sat in a box and not been loved at all. It’s her property, she’s not just babysitting it until she has grandkids. To me it’s like when people get mad at home decor because it ruins the resale value. Like yeah maybe it won’t be fashionable in 50 years because it’s got a big diamond that isn’t to everyone’s taste, but if she absolutely loves it and is so proud to show it off to her cousins, then she got the most value possible out of HER ring.
That ring story reminds me SO much of a plot point in the movie 27 Dresses, younger sister gets the mom's wedding dress that older sister always loved and wanted, and then cuts it up to make it into a different dress and older sis is horrified
I feel bad for Nora having to be the crux of a relationship working out/not working out. Kids pick up on that kind of thing. Kudos to the dad for sticking with Nora though! We need more parents like that.
If the dad (doesn't matter not bio) cares for his kid, that relationship wasn't going to work out anyway. As soon as it said that the gf lacked patience and wouldn't get along with the kid, I was like, well, that's doomed. It sounds like he is really stepping up for Nora, and I hope he is able to reassure her that it wasn't her, it was the failings of the gf. Honestly, choosing her over a toxic gf can help to show her that he is actually there for her. That's important, because it doesn't sound like she has that, with her bio dad dead and her legal guardian not even taking care of her.
I get where you're coming from with Amy maybe not realising the importance of the heirloom, but I think if that was the case, then Amy's just thick. Heirlooms ALWAYS hold importance. I wouldn't just turn any old trash into an heirloom, which is why they are heirlooms. Everyone has a random piece of trash that's been in the family for years, but it has to be important to get called an heirloom. I mean, a family heirloom I have is a bracelet with charms dedicated to every important event in my grandmother's life. I don't need to be some mega-empathetic communication god to realise that, hey, maybe I shouldn't melt it down and turn it into a statue of a dinosaur, no matter how much I love dinosaurs. I can always commission or buy a small metal dinosaur from someone for maybe even less.
Exactly!! It literally would not be a family heirloom if it wasn't important to the family. Amy either completely lacks common sense or literally did not care that she might upset the family.
@@KuraiTsuki Yeah! And an heirloom isn't suddenly just Amy's, she's more like the current holder of the ring before it gets passed down to the next generation. It's not a regular gift, it belongs to the whole family, she's just keeping it for now
1st story: NTA OP didn't save up her anger to attack her at the wedding. The bride chose to share it on her wedding day. That is a very controversial thing, especially when multiple people in the family might have wanted it. The lies to the grandma indicated she probably knew it would be upsetting. It isn't guaranteed, but I feel like her reaction to people being upset kind of backs it up. She counted on her wedding day, and th fact it was done already to protect her. I would be beyond devastated. Just because she has the legal right doesn't protect her from being the AH. 2nd: just get your own tubs and solved, you're right. 3rd: i agree. Had the girlfriend been upset that the true nature of the relationship was misrepresented and she felt there were trust issues, completely understandable. The approach she took she was downright terrible. For his next relationship hope he chooses to be more upfront. Not because the future partner deserves to know their "responsibility ", but just for openness between them. For everything but legal standards, she is his child.
Oh god the family heirloom… there are definitely people who don’t place value on *things* in the same way that others do (like I am all about sentimental value and not monetary value) , so that story about the grandmother’s ring tore me up. I’ve had FIGHTS with my father because he casually got rid of things that weren’t important to him but I assumed would be passed down, like his father’s saxophone (which I stupidly assumed would go to me and never said a word until I found out he gave it away and I was distraught), and two of the three steamer trunks he’d had my whole life (he just put two on the curb and they vanished! I said “you had three trunks and three kids, I assumed we would each get a trunk” and he thought that was dumb. So I asked why he kept the one. “Because it belonged to my father.” “Huh. Weird. Those two belonged to MY father.” “What? Oh.”) Amy’s an asshole, 100%. If OP were me she’d have a lifetime of practice not reacting in the moment when her heart was smashed by a family member and she had to just stand there and smile, so it’s hard for me to call her an asshole for having feelings even though decorum suggests that wasn’t the place or the time to say it.
I am sorry this happened to you! Me and my siblings are already 'fighting' over some herelooms while my parents are still very alive. Also my family does not throw things away easily, so I guess I'm fine. A little tip, people can't conform to expectations, they don't know exsist. I know it still hurts freaking much though 😢
Totally agree I deeply value sentimental things but had to deal with the family throwing out my grandparents stuff before I even got a chance to say I wanted to keep any of it. Feels like your heart and history is being ripped from you.
Honestly, I think the bride should have known that her family would be upset with her changing the ring, even if it was never explicitly discussed. Jewellery, especially antique/family jewellery, tends to be intensely meaningful to people, and you just don't alter it without discussing it with the person who gave it to you at the very least. That doesn't mean it's never allowed, of course, but it should be talked about. When I turned 21, my mother gave me her grandparents' wedding rings specifically so I could have them melted down to make something that fit me perfectly, and suited my taste - and I still adore the resulting ring. However, these were plain gold bands without any special decoration on them, and I was explicitly told that I could do whatever I wanted with the material. That, in my view, is a major difference.
About the ring: That she told no one (not even the person that the ring belonged to!) before the wedding makes it quite likely that she _knew_ that the family would not be okay with that ... and it was not even necessary: If she only wanted the material to melt it down, she could have asked for any old piece of jewelry that did not have this meaning.
The ring belonged to her. It was a gift. It’s her ring. She decided to change it so she would appreciate it and wear it every day. The alternative would be keeping it in a box and not appreciating it.
@@animeartist888 that’s AN alternative, doesn’t mean it’s the 100% correct answer. Maybe she enjoyed the ring and felt very sentimental about it and wanted to keep it and wear it. It was her ring at this point, so that was her right.
The final story is the kind of situation where I would say "you could have probably made this choice which would have been better but overall I wouldn't say you did anything wrong." The guy may have not even known that sort of thing WOULD matter to someone else, especially since it sounds from the way he talks like he views her as his daughter and it may have not crossed his mind in a significant way to say "oh btw she's not my biological daughter." Tbh from what the girlfriend said it seems like the only difference if he did things that way would have been her getting pissy or being shitty once she realized she didn't get along with Nora initially, and them having the same "don't make me put up with her if she's not even yours" argument before it being over. I mean, maybe it would have saved both of them time and energy if he realized sooner that she was a rude pos.
I feel like it doesn’t take a whole lot to realize that a family heirloom is important to people. And I think OP is right, Amy knew she was doing something shady or else she would’ve told her grandma straight up. So I don’t think saying she didn’t know it was that important is really a good excuse.
I have a ring from my great grandmother that I love so much and would never change! That being said, my mom also received a ring from the same grandmother that she didn’t like and asked everyone in the family if it was okay to change it, if not she said she would let someone else have it who wanted to keep it the same. No one else did, so My mom kept the diamond from it and turned it into a beautiful ring that she wears everyday. The key is asking and delegating family heirlooms to people who want them.
9:10 As an ice cream lover who used to have an overly cold freezer Yeah they’re TA Melting and re-freezing ruins the texture of the ice cream and makes it icy and hard. All op needs to do is either be patient or poor boiling water over the scoop just before scooping to speed up the process. No excuses for this. Ice cream is a very serious matter.
I do this all the time is you only do it for 10-20 seconds it doesn't really melt it just gets soft like if you left it out on the counter to get soft enough to scoop. Sometimes it's not even soft enough to scoop it out after 10 seconds.
you have a serious misunderstanding of what 10-20 seconds in the microwave does to icecream. saying it's being melted is misleading, it's not even enough to melt the edges, it just softens it enough that you can get the scoop or spoon in easier. if it's a smaller tub or half empty you put it in for less time but if you're familiar enough with your microwaves power it's still possible to soften it without melting in the microwave.
For the last one, Op's said that his daughter and ex would constantly fight. He didn't even introduce them with each other for eight months, probably because he already noticed something off about her. Given that the ex insulted the daughter when she found out, I think OP didn't tell her on purpose because he was either trying to protect the daughter or wasn't sure if she'd react well, which she didn't.
I think for the first one, if she knew she’d want a completely different ring, it may have been wise to sit down with grandma and gone “I love this so dearly, and the gesture was beautiful, but the ring i want is very different. I think it would be best to see if the other grandchildren want it in its current form and if not i’ll rework it for my style.” at least that’s what i’ve done with heirlooms in a similar situation
I wonder if it was cheaper to alter the grandmother's ring rather than buy exactly what she wanted new and give the heirloom to another family member.🤔 Maybe this why it was so hush and slightly deceiving to Grandma.
@@justanotherperson3102 I don’t know much about jewelry, so maybe it’s different, but in general getting something altered or custom made is almost always more expensive than buying something trendy “off the rack.” In this day and age, raw materials are usually a fraction of the cost of the labor of a skilled artisan.
@@violetsnotroses3640 Depends on the materials. In diamond rings, the diamond is usually going to be a pretty significant portion of the cost, especially if it's particularly large and/or high carat. Also depends on the skill level/business of the person doing the altering
For the ring one, it's possible that OP's family all live far away from each other and only meet at big events like a wedding. If that's the case I don't think OP is wrong for telling the Grandma at the wedding. Op did they they burst into tears when they found out, so it's possible they were hoping to find some solace in asking their grandma if she knew. Also, given that the bride's mother told the gradma that it was just a re-sizing, I'm pretty sure the bride knew it was wrong and tried to hide it.
NTA on the first one. The bride basically hid it until the wedding day, she definitively knew how controversial it was, why else would she not mention it AT ALL? She could have said it waaay before and made sure her wedding would be going smoother, but no. She also had the audacity to want an apology for someone being devastated at the alteration of an heirloom? For someone checking up on the grandma to see how she felt about it (OP wasn´t even gossiping about it)? Being the one getting married is not a "Get out of jail" free card for lies, deception, and willful ignorance. They are an adult. Shouldn´t have waited for the wedding day. Imagine if Grandma found out WATCHING the ceremony? There is no way "Amy" didn´t realize that what she did was a big thing. She literally hid a ring she was proud of, until the wedding morning.
Ok, I'm gonna have to disagree with you right off the bat: Amy absolutely brought all the drama on herself by not saying a single thing about what she did BEFORE the morning of. She clearly KNEW it was not going to go over well and instead of preparing everybody for that shock, she just springs it on them without warning or remorse and how is the OP supposed to not burst into tears and speak their feelings when they're in shock with a raw wound. If Amy didn't want that brought up at her wedding, Amy should have thought of that and done it after the fact because either way it was going to be seen and found out and you can't just hide being that upset because people know how to read body language. Amy is lucky everybody still attended and was cordual because if I was the OP I'd have been livid and walked away right there so as not to do something I'd regret for life.
Im pretty sure pride counselling is owned by better-help, who is known to sell user information and be extremely unprofessional - some people have received clearly untrained and rude counsellors
I think that the cousin with the ring should have just asked the grandmother if she thought adjusting it would be okay. I understand that it is not the grandma's wedding. However, the ring was once her's and was also given to her by her partner who she lost. In some ways it was still very important to her even as she passed it on. Checking in with the grandma would definitely help the situation in my opinion.
Oh gosh, the ring thing wrung my stomach into knots just hearing it. Mind you, due to very niche circumstances (I’ve had a lot of death in my life and witnessed a few too many family fights over peoples’ belongings than I really would like to think about) I don’t place too much attachment over tangible things. I have a handful of small things I hold dear from my nana and that’s about it - I even only have those because I finally let my grandma convince me to go through her things. Mostly practical things, but I do have some of her jewelry out of my grandma’s request. Even if I don’t attach sentimental value particularly to things, though, I would never, ever consider changing or warping those things without checking to make sure at least my mom or sister were fine with it. If I was considering changing them, it would be a question of why I want to change it. If I just wanted something different I’d get something different, plain and simple. If you don’t want to use it as a wedding ring, wear it on a chain around your neck or something.
my heart skipped a beat when i read "i lied about having a child" bc i hadnt processed that this was an r/AITA video, anyways great content as always :)
For the last one, I'm wondering of OP didn't tell his GF the true nature of his relationship with Nora because deep down he knew the GF wasn't a long term relationship. I feel like there was a lot more to this relationship (OP and GF). But he is definitely not the AH.
I agree that's its weird it took so long on the 3rd one. I'd think the conversation would've come up, especially because most people want to know the status of the child's other parent. Seems like it'd be a pretty quick conversation then, "is Nora's mom in the picture?" "No, she was gone before my brother died." "?" "Oh, Nora was his daughter, but when he passed away she came to live with me." Boom, the basics are laid out with a simple conversation that can be had within in the first few months of dating. The gf's reaction is over the top! Sure, I'd be confused about the technicalities of the situation and peeved he didn't share the details of such a big situation that affects us both, but at the end of the day, none of that changes that if she wants the guy, he comes with the kid. That fact doesn't change, her and Nora's inability to get along doesn't change, her having to accept and try to build a relationship of some kind with Nora doesn't change. So yeah, toss the gf into the bin.
Yeah I think that story is fake. I used to use Reddit a lot and was part of r/amitheangel which reposted stories like these to talk about how obvious fake it is. Sadly most posts on AITA are fake so I have a hard time believing anything on there, but this one seems obvious.
1) NTA for your feelings, a little bit YTA for dumping the feelings before the wedding BUT your sister decided the wedding day was the best time to spring it on your family and that to me feels like a red flag all on its own, the "You can't make a scene cause it's my wedding day so let me show you this exceedingly selfish thing I did to our family's precious heirloom." There is an expectation in every culture that heirlooms are precious and not to be tampered with so I don't feel like OP and older sister NEEDED to explain that to middle sister. I feel like only a narcissist wouldn't understand the value of an heirloom in its original form. Quote from 27 Dresses, "You're not my sister, you're just some b!tch who cut up my mother's wedding dress."
I think the wedding day is the perfect time to bring it up to an obvious bridezilla. 10 to 20 seconds in the microwave does NOT change the texture at all. It just makes it easier to scoop.
Forks work amazing for ice-cream 💯 Third one is NTA: dad didn't lie, and the identity of who his daughter shares genes with is nobody's business but her doctors. I agree that they should probably get the legal side of things in order, because this seems like a long term thing and (aside from simplifying some things) it might help assuage any anxiety his daughter might have around his permanent place in her life.
15:19 For this third story, as someone who seeks to be an adoption competent social worker, I think that in that he’s leaning into “this is Nora’s story to tell not mine” and into the fact that she shouldn’t be treated differently because of her circumstances. Kinship placements are hard and complicated, and yeah maybe it’s helpful to explain the legal aspects, but at the end of the day this dad’s strategy is the best one to support Nora as an adoptee and I think that counts for a lot here! Also if the gf has been showing signs of not being the best about Nora, he might have been trying to figure out if she was a safe person to share her story with. She ultimately wasn’t and if she had that reaction in front of Nora it could have caused further trauma. Not the asshole at all, the safety of his kid and the consent of his kid come first!
not to mention, have the GF never asked about Noras other parent at all? sounds like GF have shown about 0 interest in Nora except being annoyed by her existence. If i ever where to enter a relationship with someone who had a child would i definitely ask a bit about the other parent situation before meeting said child.
If I found out that one of my cousins or siblings inherited my great-grandmother’s engagement ring and had it melted down without telling ANYONE first, I would be furious. But that’s not a patch on how angry my grandmother would be. Thankfully I’m quite confident the slated inheritor of that ring is very unlikely to do such a thing.
I soften ice cream in the microwave all the time, my microwave actually has a setting for that! I'm not melting it a lot though, so when I put it back in the freezer it doesn't change the texture. We've always done that in my family, so I didn't know it was a big deal for some people lol.
Amy should have known that the family that the FAMILY HEIRLOOM RING was important to the family and that basically destroying it would upset the family. This is literal common sense and there is no excuse. If it wasn't important to the family, it wouldn't be an heirloom.
Regarding the last one: making a human and becoming a parent are two different things. If OP says he's the kid's father, he is! GF is TA for assuming that being a biological parent take priority over the bonds they have created.
The first story- the cousin is 100% the asshole. She lied to grandma to get the ring she wanted, and used it to get the ring she had in mind, rather than hold onto the idea of a heirloom. I’d probably react the same way as OP- clearly the grandma wanted the ring to be the same, or at least very similar. If the grandma found out, she probably would’ve given it to a different grandchild. Yes it’s “her ring,” but the intention of how she’d keep it was something the original owner did NOT want to happen. It’d be a very different situation if the grandma would’ve been okay with the change.
I have to completely disagree on the micro waving the ice cream. I have very severe texture issues when it comes to food and she would have just made that entire tub inedible for me (I will literally gag and/or throw up if I try to force myself). If the husband experiences things like that and the wife continues to ignore it, I find that incredibly disrespectful. Alter your own personal food not shared one’s.
I'm a jewellerysmith, and the first srory reminded me of how an older relative of mine asked me to make pendants to her grandchildren using her mom's engagement and wedding rings. They were simple, thin gold rings, no stones or anything, but for her, they were precious. Her initial thought was that I could melt them, but I saw it in her that she didn't really want that, and the amount of gold in them wasn't enough to make them into anything significant. I ended up making small pendants with a stone set in them, so that the actual rings stayed intact, and were sort of looped into the pendant. Heirloom jewellery can be worth so much more than their material value, and it's sad the bride didn't see that. For the second story... I refuse to believe a tub of B&J's could ever remain in a freezer long enough to grow listeria after being microwaved. A lesser icecream, yes, but B&J's, never. The third story just made me think, maybe the relationship was never meant to be long-term, if a thing like the daughter's history never came up. Either way, he was in the right, and the girlfriend was the AH.
The post about ice cream where they said the husband said "what it's 1 am go to bed" the same thing happened with me when I came out to my husband after questioning for like 2 years
About the last one, is totally understandable for the gf to be upset by him omitting the nature and founding about from someone else. BUTconsidering what she said, it looks like the reason is not the "lie" in itself but more so that she thinks by he not being the "real father" she spent time dealing with the kid when she shouldn't have to, wich is far from truth considering he is her father in the social aspect and makes a point of them being a package deal
Amy deserves to have her wedding ruined if she lied to someone about what she'd do with a very sentimental gift someone gave her. It means that she knew the grandmother wouldn't like it if she told the full story, and tried to hide it. Sucks to be her, but that's what you get for only bringing this upsetting thing up on your wedding day. If you're going to be a AH on your special day and reveal this horrible thing you did, expect everyone to clapback
I've done the same thing as OP with certain ice creams that are too hard to scoop immediately out of the freezer. I have to be a careful with my hands/wrists, because I have a genetic condition that has already required several surgeries on my hands, wrists, and elbows. I think what isn't coming through is that the ice cream doesn't melt. Putting ice cream in the microwave for ten seconds is just enough time to take the ice cream from rock hard to scoopable. The overall texture doesn't change, and bacteria doesn't start growing, since the ice cream is still frozen, and keeps its structural integrity.
I think microwaving ice cream for a short time and then quickly refreezing it, is WAY better than leaving it on the counter for 10-15 minutes and then refreezing it then
Re: the ice cream, yes, it is risky to thaw and refreeze things from a food safety perspective. However, after 10 seconds in the microwave, the ice cream is still frozen. It doesn’t enter the danger zone until it is warmer than 40°F, or about 4.5°C. This is why ice cream shops typically store their scoops in very hot water for easier scooping: same idea, perfectly safe. (Source: I’ve been a certified food safety manager since 2007) All that being said, if OP continues to microwave shared ice cream after their spouse communicates that they are uncomfortable with it, they are TA. Just get separate tubs or use the hot scoop trick.
Ice cream tip: find a way to reduce the power setting on the microwave before microwaving the tub, it will allow the ice cream to soften without turning part of it to liquid! Some microwaves even have a “warm” setting (a button similar to the the “popcorn” preset button or the “defrost” preset button) that does this power-setting adjustment for you. Also helpful for turning refrigerated butter into room-temperature (or at least softened) butter!
The ring one reminds me of the scene from 27 Dresses where the sister cuts up their mother's wedding dress up create a new one, breaking the heart of the older sister who had always wanted to wear her mom's dress. It's so callous and inconsiderate
I mean if you don't want family drama at your wedding, don't show that you destroyed the ring that was given to you by your grandma the day of the wedding ^^'
For the second post, microwaving it 10-20 seconds is safer than leaving it on the counter 10-20 minutes and people are less likely to call you out for that when the goal is to get it soft enough to scoop. If you're just wanting to warm it for you to eat, then scoop what you want and microwave just that.
My cousin (we're the only 2 granddaughters) got our grandma's wedding ring set after she passed. She married her longtime boyfriend a few years after and had my grandma's rings remade. I was surprised by it, but I think the new rings are lovely and still very sentimental since they were made from grandma's rings. It helps that there is no jealousy involved, since I got our great grandma's gorgeous art deco wedding ring. It worked out perfectly.
My cousin did this to a beautiful family heirloom ring, but it was even worse - my grandmother was in a rest home and she took the ring from her without her even knowing and got the diamond reset. We've never confronted her on it but we were pretty pissed (especially as the diamond was worth 10k and none of the rest of the cousins got anything significant from our grandma).
In the first story, the bride is the AH who only had herself to blame. She waited until her wedding day to 'show off' her rings, knowing full well she had destroyed a family heirloom! I'm wondering if she waited til the wedding day to drop that bombshell in the hopes that they wouldn't react so as not to spoil the occasion.
Shaaba….. i love how understanding you are. AND the man w| the kid doesn’t owe anyone disclosure or an explanation about the details of his relationship w| his child. not even his GF. if he said that’s his child, that’s his child. the rest is extra, not relevant, + not owed to anyone. i can’t imagine someone i consider a parent feeling the need to explain that they’re not actually, technically, officially my parent. either they are or they aren’t. that’s it. the man needs to thank the ex-GF for showing him who she is + not wasting more of his time. then move on. find someone who will accept, understand, + have patience for imperfect children who may not be the easiest to get along with.
If you paid for the icecream and you are the only one eating from it, then microwave away. If you did not pay for it or you are sharing the tub with others then it is far, far safer for everyone involved to just use a heated scoop. The poor person's method: dip a spoon into boiling water, flick the excess off and scoop. For everyone of means, there are dozens of gadgets that help you scoop rock hard icecream.
I agree that with the Nora story it's like you said, there are some people who need to know the guardianship status situation. My grandfather had custody of me for my teen years and it made my blood boil whenever he pulled the "I'm your parent" card because both of my parents (as well as their spouses) were very much alive and involved in my life and I loved them. It made me feel like he was minimizing or dismissing their importance and trying to replace them. I may have missed whether or not Nora's feelings about calling him Dad were addressed, but it's one of those gray areas that I feel might benefit from some clarity and communication with more than just the girlfriend.
My dad is the oldest of three boys and was the first to marry... for some reason he and my mother didn't get the heirloom ring, his youngest brother did years later. He (my uncle) then got divorced... and his ex-wife went off with the family ring.
I mean... it was a HEIRLOOM, not a "Ooh, neat! A ring!". It wasn't even "take apart" she DESTROYED it. It mentioned that she *melted* it down. Atop hiding it and going behind everyone's back. So... "it was her wedding!" doesn't excuse it. Like, if she had walked into the wedding wearing ex: their dead mothers wedding dress, after having stolen it, you don't "wait until after the wedding" as to avoid "ruining the wedding. It was 10/10 a richard move, that was premeditated. And pretending to not know what a heirloom is... doesn't fly either.
With the wedding ring one the yta is the bride and only the bride. If I were in the op's shoes I'd likely have done the same. And if the grandma asked for the ring back it's gone now. You don't a pass on being a bad person or an idiot just because it's your wedding day.
the ice cream one made me laugh a bit lol. i always microwave mine for like 10 seconds and it never does anything to the texture, that aside, i think it's funny someone put that in AITA
That you can tell! Some people have really sensitive food issues. Myself included. My mother used to try and fool me with different brands or ways of preparing things. Didn’t work even once. We can tell lol
ye the ice cream one really confuses me as well. -i know a lot of people who do a really quick microwave if the ice cream is super hard? its nothing different that letting the ice cream stand on the table to get a bit softer before you eat it. Its not like you do it long enough for anything to get actually liquid
OP was not the AH in story 1. Amy was for greedily destroying a family heirloom and hiding it until her wedding gay, going so far to lie to grandma about what was done.
"Heritage" rings where they just break down the thing for scrap to save a couple dollars on a ""custom designed"" 3D printed piece of garbage is disgusting imo I would be pissed personally If someone destroyed the family heirloom for 40 bucks worth of gold and a couple diamonds.
My grandmother asked to be buried in her wedding ring and my aunt CUT IT OFF OF HER and i was really upset but yeah nothin ican do. Not like i wore it all the time when i was a kid or anything and wanted my grandmothers wishes respected. I dont even wanna think of what could happen to it later.
For the first story, it sounds like only the white gold band and a single small diamond from the original ring was kept, with the rest being traded in to get a reduced price on the large diamond. That's not even taking the diamonds from an old ring and having them put into a new setting. That's selling the diamonds so that you can get a cheaper price for a big diamond. Completely disrespectful to the grandmother.
So I knew someone who told me she had a baby, we went close friend or anything she was someone I worked with. Then I found out she was lieing about it and not only did she not have a kid but also the photos she had shared of her kid was someone elses and she had essentially stollen the photos of this othet persons daughter and told everyone it was her daughter. I told her I didn't want to be her friend any more because thats a really weird thing to do and lie about for over a year especially when you are sharing photos and claiming a child is your own when you have literally never met this kid or her family.
I agree that in a year-long relationship, the question where your child came from sold probably have come up. Especially as a heads up of context for meeting her.
heirlooms and passed on or inherited jewellery is complicated to navigate. I recently made the choice to pawn 2 rings given to me by my mother. My relationship with my mother has gotten complicated and messy and strained in recent times and she is basically on a last chance probation almost. It's fragile. I didn't feel a strong connection with those rings. To me they were just nice rings that I wore but 1) they were gold and I mainly wear silver jewellery because I am blonde and pale and silver just looks better on me and the other rings I wear are silver so my mothers rings didn't match 2) one of them was my mothers old eternity ring from her now failed marriage to my father. I don't think her or my dad would appreciate seeing that constant reminder of their dissolved relationship everywhere and 3) I am childfree by choice and have 0 intention of having a child so it isn't like I would have someone to pass those rings onto in the future. People would argue that if my brother has kids I could pass them on to his kids but that shouldn't be the only reason two keep 2 rings that I really don't want. I don't regret my decision. I would rather someone who is really going to value those rings buys them and wears them and loves them and makes new and better memories with them. On and the sister was the a for melting down the heirloom ring and not telling anyone and hiding it until the wedding day. the OP is not the a because the wedding day was the first she knew about the new ring so was the first chance she got to confront sister about it. If you are going to do something like that tell people. I told my parents about selling my mothers rings and they understood the reasons. including my mother. I am thankful that people didn't really have strong feelings about the rings I sold but like if sister knew this ring had a lot of meaning to others in the family she could have at least asked before doing what she did.
For the too hard ice cream my family has a really good “trick”, put plastic wrap on top of the ice cream, to were it’s mostly touching the ice cream, it’ll keep it easier to scoop
I don’t think the gf needs to know the full story. Especially since her and Nora didn’t get along. Sure he should’ve said hey she’s not my legal/bio kid. But I feel like the rest of the story is something that should be shared on Nora’s terms. As the kid I would not want that shared with someone I don’t like. And as the gf I wouldn’t feel like I needed to know further than that. It’s none of her business.
the way I see it, if Nora not being biologically his matters so much to the girlfriend, she could have asked in those months about the mother and gotten the story that way. (I'm assuming) she didn't ask questions, and Nora not being his biological child doesn't make a difference for him, so he didn't think that part was important to bring up.
Being in a community of Peaches is one of my favorite things ever. I love being a Peach (and I’m hoping to be a backstage Peach soon) love you Shaaba, you wonderful, gorgeous, sassy woman you 😊 ! (I also love being one of many LGBTQuties!!)
When Listeria is found it's usually in dairy products. You can for sure get it from ice cream, though the microwave temperature would kill them, so here it's not an issue. I just think the texture after letting ice cream melt and refreezing is gross (my brother will take the whole tub out to eat, letting the whole thing melt and then put it back. UGH)
I knew that my grandma was planning on her wedding ring being passed on to me, but i didnt realize she expected it to be my wedding ring, and she was mad enough that my husband got me a different ring that she gave it to one of my other sisters (who was already married so it wasn't her wedding ring either...) my grandmother would have exploded if her ring had been melted down to something else!
I wouldn't have said anything at the wedding but there is a callousness about changing the ring when grandma is still alive that is hard to get past. Also I will admit that I too am an ice cream asshole but will try to do better
You can also just take a bit of ice cream out of the tub into a little bowl and then microwave it. I've never eaten ice cream straight out of the tub. Sure, it's one bowl more to wash, but then everyone can eat from the same tub and everyone is happy with the consistency
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm think ESH just generally means both/all of the people involved in the argument are in the wrong. I don't think anyone outside of the central conflict who has just given their opinion on the conflict, or who is just named in the story needs to be TA for a post to qualify as ESH.
The sentence “just to take the edge off the ice cream” is very funny to me. Neither of them are assholes but it’s just. So funny Like when people are like “the burn of salt”
Bride got confronted on her wedding day because she HID IT til her wedding day. Being the bride doesn't mean you get a pass on nasty things you've done.
I agree, if she didn't want the issue to be a wedding day issue, she probably should've revealed that before the wedding day
she must have known it would have upset people, even grandma was told it was just resized
This is it exactly, she wouldn't have hid it if she didn't know it would hurt Grandma. And if she hadn't hit she wouldn't have received a sudden and expected push back when she revealed it on her wedding day.
Hmm - I'd classify this as a "grey area" case, mostly because we don't know how Amy felt about her ring. It is indeed suspicious that she "hid" it, but as Shaaba always says, 3 sides to the story, maybe Amy isn't as devious as the OP makes her sound and she was just very happy to be able to make this into her dream wedding ring, while thinking she was still respecting the heirloom by incorporating it.
Don't get me wrong, I would have NEVER done what Amy did and I totally totally get OP's shock and horror at seeing what became of an object of such sentimental value, BUT I have to agree with Shaaba that it would have been better to wait at least a day, so that the argument they got into is not so loaded and so impactful. Now it will be a lot harder to repair the relationship than if OP had confronted her cousin any other day. But then again I fully understand losing her cool and being unable to postpone her reaction.
@@elliest55 if one of my cousins did this I would have fully left
(Regarding the first story) I married into a family that had a "heirloom wedding ring". I was shown it after I complained that I just couldn't find a ring I really liked. Someone in the family had previously removed the diamond from its setting and placed it in a trendy-for-that-time band. We paid $100 to put the original diamond back into the original setting and resize it. It was absolutely the ring of my dreams, simple, classy, yet with character. It was better than any ring I could have designed. The bride could have easily used the diamond but not MELT the setting.
that is such a good point, and tbh pretty heartbreaking to think that up until that point it could've still been either reversible or simply a case of "i'll use the diamond, you can use the setting" and then at least they'd share the heirloom
@@fernandaparraguirre5237 Exactly! That would have been so nice for everyone around her, and wouldn't have made it look like she was just in it to use it to save money.
Is better than any ring you could have dreamed of because you couldn't design sentimentality into a ring like that.
Agreed! My great grandma's first husband died when my dad was a child. When she remarried, she kept the rings from her first marriage to pass on to her family. One of her daughters had the stones removed and placed in other jewelry, since they were the stones from her mother and father's rings. The settings were kept as well though and passed down. My grandma gave my sister and I the opportunity to go through my great grandma's jewelry that was given to her after great grandma passed away, and the settings were there. My little sister and I took them and agreed we each get one, engagement ring for me and wedding band for her, so that we could each have one sentimental ring and one new ring picked by us and our partner. And also to split the cost, because each ring is over $1k to repair to maintain the setting, as the prongs/setting was heavily damaged when the stones were removed, and they need some gold added to re-thicken the shank of the band after 40+ years of wear.
My guess is that Amy wanted the diamond but not the setting, and was told that once the stone was removed, the setting would essentially not be worth the cost to repair, as that is what I was told as well, and that it would cost more to fix than its value, and she saw more sentimentality in the stone than the setting. I still think it was wrong for her to just assume no one else in the family would be willing to pay the cost for the sentimental value of keeping the setting rather than using its melt value as a credit towards her bigger ring.
Regarding the first one: A ring like that has emotional significance to many members of the family, and is also several decades old. I'm not exactly sure how old something has to be for it to be considered an antique, but it's at least very much a vintage piece. So much clothing is already lost from older eras, it breaks my heart that people take stuff they own and completely change it to the point where it's unrecognisable. If you don't like grandma's ring, guess what, you don't need to wear it. Just respectfully decline and buy one more suited to your tastes. Why must you destroy a piece of history?
This reads to me like she didn't have the money (or her fiance didn't) for the big diamonds she wanted, so she took the ring and changed it to make it cheaper than buying a new one outright. If I'm right, it's kinda disgusting.
exactly! I was supposed to inherent a clock from my family. But i didn't like it, it smelled weird and I just wasn't' into it. other people in the family were. So I declined having it because I most likely would have just sold it. I understood it meant a lot to the people around me so I didn't want to take that away from them because I didn't care or cherish it compared to them. i dunno why that is so hard to do, just decline if you aren't into it.
Reminds me of that show Karolina Zebrowska was watching this wedding dress reconstruction show where the dresses, regardless of how beautiful or of their time they were, were each and every one turned from a historical object into “prom dress that should be $40 but is $500 for some reason”
@@pasteldoll7274 I’m a sentimental objects person, thank you, that’s very kind. I hope the clock is with someone who connects with it :)
I believe vintage is 20-99 years old and antique is 100 years old or older.
last one is ridiculous. The GF is terrible. What difference does it make if his kid shares his DNA? And she does, he's biologically her uncle. So still share DNA
Exactly. Who cares if he's biologically her dad? She was still his _brother's daughter,_ and he took her in after the brother passed. They still share DNA, and he's still her adoptive father. Sure, I suppose he could've told the GF that he effectively adopted her before the GF and daughter met, but I get the feeling she still would've had a similar reaction anyway. "Made me put up with an annoying kid that isn't yours," who the fuck says that to someone??
To be honest, if a new partner told me they had a child, my first response would be "okay, is the other parent still involved, or do you have full custody?" Cause I wouldn't want to be an issue to the other half of that parent and that would be a great opportunity to explain. Then again, he didn't really lie so he dodged a serious bullet with that one
Amy was a horrible twit to destroy a family heirloom.
Yeah, why accept an heirloom when you want something that is not that particular ring.
Period.
I mean at least ask permission to alter stuff like that first. From when I was a child I wanted to wear my grandmother's wedding dress, just like my aunt did. My aunt already took it out quite a bit (grandma was teeny tiny and didn't have much of a chest) but it still didn't fit me or my sister (grandma's only granddaughters) The price to have it altered would have been tremendous and there was no guarantee they could find a matching fabric, so with my aunt's permission, my sister and I requested we have the fabric used to make a satin robe to wear while getting ready and the sleeves be turned into ring bearer pillows. That way, we could have something of our grandmother's on our wedding days.
My fiancé proposed with his grandmother's ring, and while the style isn't something I would have picked for myself, I love it dearly and wouldn't dream of changing a thing about it!
hi! this isn’t about the wonderful Shaaba. this is just a word on Pride Counseling from my experience:
a word of caution that Pride Counseling is just BetterHelp (like, it literally is the company BetterHelp) but slightly more expensive with counselors who just self-ID as LGBTQ+ affirming. the counselors aren’t necessarily experienced with queer or trans issues. my therapist through Pride Counseling was affirming of queer and trans identities but not actually trained to discuss my experiences from a queer lens. as a result, they weren’t as equipped to discuss mental health problems related to queer trauma like a fellow queer person OR a trained LGBTQ+ specialist would. they’ve simply checked a box that they are okay with LGBTQ+ people - from what I understand.
I will note that accessible queer-affirming therapy is a huge deal in the first place, but I just wanted to give that experience to people considering it.
As a patient with Pride Counseling, I will agree that the therapists are affirming, but might not be a part of the community and might not be as familiar with some aspects as someone specialized more might be. They are also therapists, not psychologists. (At least necessarily, I don't know if there are some that are.) That said, my counselor is a straight ally, and any time something comes up that she is not as well versed in, she talks about that and then goes and researches/looks into it, and then we discuss it more later. For example, not only am I queer (pan/bi, aego/asexual), but I am also polyamourous. While knowing what that was, she was not versed in it. She made the effort to listen to me and then to seek resources to become better able to have those discussions. That is quite useful and appreciated, and is hard to find sometimes in therapists. I would rather that, then someone who has (potential mis-) conceptions about what I'm talking about that isn't open to learning more. Considering that this helps fill the gap of availability that our community suffers from, it's still better than not having that affirmation and/or not having any resources for therapy at all.
Ella, I'm not disagreeing with your point at all. I just wanted to add my experience for people to see.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I learned about Pride Counseling from Jaime's channel and looked into it and when I was saw it was from BetterHelp, I decided to stay far away because I've had bad experiences with them. It is good to hear from someone who has tried it though.
Thank you for sharing, that's helpful information. Charging extra for an "affirming" therapist really sucks, especially becuase they could easily incorporate that into the "quiz" in the main service. They're rebranding and marking up their prices for queer people and being misleading about the service they're offering. That's not a company that cares about queer people. wow.
Yay for Nora's dad/uncle for putting the child first. Too many adults putting their own wants first at the expense of the child's welfare and it leaves a lasting impact
exactly. it is still his child. just because she is biologically his niece doesn't change that. i feel that if someone had said those nasty things about my niece, although i am not raising her i would still cut ties with that person. in his case it is his daughter these things are being said about of course he should be furious. that woman seems very toxic
My only question is, why don't they transfer the legal parental rights from the brother to OP? If the child already lives with OP and views OP as her dad, would it not just be easier and take less time overall in certain situations where you may need things like a legal copy of the parent/guardian? If the guardian/parent doesn't live with the child, surely it's going to take more time.
Or have I misunderstood the actual situation as to why the daughter is with OP?
With the last one, I don’t even think the issue was if the gf was told or not. She was upset that she “had to put up with that annoying kid that isn’t even yours”. She probably believed that because Nora is not biologically or legally op’s, op was supposed to choose the gf over Nora because they didn’t get along. I do not think he was obligated to tell her the situation, but it is strange they never talked about it.
First story: Part of me thinks OP shouldn’t have mentioned anything to grandma until after the wedding, but then the other part of me wonders if it was better for grandma to learn about it before seeing it. Because, let’s be real, you know Grandma is going to want to look at the ring during the wedding. Everybody looks at the ring. They take pictures of the ring. And this is a family heirloom ring. Grandma was probably better prepared to react once she had been forewarned.
I've worked in jewelry repair and... in one small thing in Amy's defense (even though she is definitely the asshole), it is entirely possible that a ring like that was in serious disrepair. I've seen a lot of heirloom rings that are so worn that the better thing to do for the long term is create a new piece using elements from the old one. That being said, to say it needed to be resized when really it was being remade entirely is sketchy and definitely makes Amy the asshole. If it was in disrepair, she probably would have said something about that and based on what OP said, it seems like she just wanted a huge diamond (don't even get me started).
The only reason you wouldn't say anything or ask is because you'd knew you'd get pushback or make people upset and the fact that she hid it until the wedding day and wasn't showing it off all over the place is very telling. Antique, vintage, and heirloom pieces are so rare and so important and if it was in good condition, I find destroying it unconscionable.
If there are pictures or a good description, OP can definitely have a new one with the same design remade. This is entirely doable. No, it won't be the same, but it's some small consolation.
Re: the first one--OP is NTA. Grandma was going to see the ring, and if Amy had shared with everyone prior to the wedding, it wouldn't have happened on her wedding day. But something so important and sentimental just got destroyed--I completely understand OP feeling like the floor was taken out from under her and needing to ask if others knew. Was it rash? Yes. But I don't think bringing it up later would have made Amy's decision hurt any less in the long run. And Amy certainly IS TA for what she did.
Wow that ring one really upset me. My sister inherited my grandma's wedding and engagement rings cause she's the oldest (we're twins so I'm a bit salty about it haha) and I'd be so upset if she completely changed it.
She got both?! Wouldn't it be fair to devide? Two rings, two sisters?
@@SlothDaanthis^
@@SlothDaan especially with twins :D
I’m a twin mum and so mindful of this. I’m sorry you feel hurt by this.
FYI, your twin isn’t “older”; she happened to be born first which IMO doesn’t mean older it means closer to the exit. Just my opinion though.
@Twinning agreed but I respect my grandma's decision. She was very traditional in that sense. My sister is great and really treasures the rings. It was just annoying not being seen as the oldest by a technicality (7 mins after). Edit: haha love "closer to the exit" 😂
For the first one, I think it's kind of important to note that Amy was the one who initially brought up the ring, which is in my opinion what turns OP from maybe being slightly one of TAs here into NTA. Amy specifically showed them the rings, and no matter how much it is your wedding day, other people are still allowed to have their own opinions and reactions towards choices you make, and especially in this case where OP is suddenly confronted with an important family heirloom having been changed in such a drastic way, honestly I think it's pretty reasonable for her to get upset and say what she did. Amy definitely brought that reaction upon herself by not communicating this change and suddenly confronting OP with it, and is absolutely TA, especially for not even asking grandma if she was okay with the changes.
Her waiting to until the wedding day just makes it seem so calculated. Like she was banking on no one getting mad at her on "her special day." That she didn't tell the grandmother either, that just makes her look so conniving.
Related to the first post, I think there’s a way to do it and a way not to do it. I received heirloom jewelry from my mother that belonged to her grandmother, but I received it specifically with the intention to rework it into my fiancée’s and my wedding rings. It had been remade once before already and had no particular sentimental value in its existing form. The original owner is long since passed, my mother loves the new rings, and it’s more about the spirit of family being present in the new rings than the original jewelry itself. (Our rings are gorgeous, btw)
That's really cool. I feel like it adds more since it means that you all have part of you put into the ring before it goes to the next person. That's really epic.
Yeah the difference seems to be it came from the family, and with your communication, it stayed with the family. Like I tell people about my great great aunt’s silver tea set that she carried out of the Chicago Fire a lot. I’m never going to have it in my house, since there are too many other cousins. But my aunt who has it now has promised to never sell it or melt it down. She’ll give any of us who want to keep it as is first dibs and sell it to one of us if she *really* needs the money that bad. Sounds like OP would have paid money to keep that ring the way that mattered to her. She should have at least had that chance
I'm on the fence as it really depends on a lot of additional factors. Although it would have probably been best to discuss with grandma first.
If I treat everyone in this story with the most empathetic charitable view. It's just awkward. Some people carry on feeling the sentimental value when it remade in to something personal that holds a part of their family.
The whole thing just upsets me tbh. As I think between the lack of communication, and the wedding day conversation, everyone involved probably ended up feeling a bit unhappy about the situation.
@@justsomethoughts6110 oh for sure. I would be very upset, but there’s nothing for it now. Everyone just needs to try talking and listening to each other again ^_^
See this was partially my perspective. Everyone is calling Amy names, but Amy was appreciative of the ring and wanted to keep it and USE it. If she didn’t change it to something she would use and appreciate, it would likely have sat in a box and not been loved at all. It’s her property, she’s not just babysitting it until she has grandkids. To me it’s like when people get mad at home decor because it ruins the resale value. Like yeah maybe it won’t be fashionable in 50 years because it’s got a big diamond that isn’t to everyone’s taste, but if she absolutely loves it and is so proud to show it off to her cousins, then she got the most value possible out of HER ring.
That ring story reminds me SO much of a plot point in the movie 27 Dresses, younger sister gets the mom's wedding dress that older sister always loved and wanted, and then cuts it up to make it into a different dress and older sis is horrified
"I'm your sister." "That was yesterday. Today, you're just the b!tch who cut up my mother's wedding dress."
@@jnewcomb such a good line 👌🏻👌🏻
That scene absolutely crushed me.
I feel bad for Nora having to be the crux of a relationship working out/not working out. Kids pick up on that kind of thing. Kudos to the dad for sticking with Nora though! We need more parents like that.
By the sound of it, this time at least he dodged a bullet.
If the dad (doesn't matter not bio) cares for his kid, that relationship wasn't going to work out anyway. As soon as it said that the gf lacked patience and wouldn't get along with the kid, I was like, well, that's doomed.
It sounds like he is really stepping up for Nora, and I hope he is able to reassure her that it wasn't her, it was the failings of the gf. Honestly, choosing her over a toxic gf can help to show her that he is actually there for her. That's important, because it doesn't sound like she has that, with her bio dad dead and her legal guardian not even taking care of her.
I get where you're coming from with Amy maybe not realising the importance of the heirloom, but I think if that was the case, then Amy's just thick. Heirlooms ALWAYS hold importance. I wouldn't just turn any old trash into an heirloom, which is why they are heirlooms. Everyone has a random piece of trash that's been in the family for years, but it has to be important to get called an heirloom. I mean, a family heirloom I have is a bracelet with charms dedicated to every important event in my grandmother's life. I don't need to be some mega-empathetic communication god to realise that, hey, maybe I shouldn't melt it down and turn it into a statue of a dinosaur, no matter how much I love dinosaurs. I can always commission or buy a small metal dinosaur from someone for maybe even less.
That analogy made me snort my tea 😂
@@RagDollCookie hehe :>
Exactly!! It literally would not be a family heirloom if it wasn't important to the family. Amy either completely lacks common sense or literally did not care that she might upset the family.
@@KuraiTsuki Yeah! And an heirloom isn't suddenly just Amy's, she's more like the current holder of the ring before it gets passed down to the next generation. It's not a regular gift, it belongs to the whole family, she's just keeping it for now
1st story: NTA OP didn't save up her anger to attack her at the wedding. The bride chose to share it on her wedding day. That is a very controversial thing, especially when multiple people in the family might have wanted it. The lies to the grandma indicated she probably knew it would be upsetting. It isn't guaranteed, but I feel like her reaction to people being upset kind of backs it up. She counted on her wedding day, and th fact it was done already to protect her. I would be beyond devastated. Just because she has the legal right doesn't protect her from being the AH.
2nd: just get your own tubs and solved, you're right.
3rd: i agree. Had the girlfriend been upset that the true nature of the relationship was misrepresented and she felt there were trust issues, completely understandable. The approach she took she was downright terrible. For his next relationship hope he chooses to be more upfront. Not because the future partner deserves to know their "responsibility ", but just for openness between them. For everything but legal standards, she is his child.
Oh god the family heirloom… there are definitely people who don’t place value on *things* in the same way that others do (like I am all about sentimental value and not monetary value) , so that story about the grandmother’s ring tore me up. I’ve had FIGHTS with my father because he casually got rid of things that weren’t important to him but I assumed would be passed down, like his father’s saxophone (which I stupidly assumed would go to me and never said a word until I found out he gave it away and I was distraught), and two of the three steamer trunks he’d had my whole life (he just put two on the curb and they vanished! I said “you had three trunks and three kids, I assumed we would each get a trunk” and he thought that was dumb. So I asked why he kept the one. “Because it belonged to my father.” “Huh. Weird. Those two belonged to MY father.” “What? Oh.”)
Amy’s an asshole, 100%. If OP were me she’d have a lifetime of practice not reacting in the moment when her heart was smashed by a family member and she had to just stand there and smile, so it’s hard for me to call her an asshole for having feelings even though decorum suggests that wasn’t the place or the time to say it.
I am sorry this happened to you! Me and my siblings are already 'fighting' over some herelooms while my parents are still very alive. Also my family does not throw things away easily, so I guess I'm fine. A little tip, people can't conform to expectations, they don't know exsist. I know it still hurts freaking much though 😢
Totally agree I deeply value sentimental things but had to deal with the family throwing out my grandparents stuff before I even got a chance to say I wanted to keep any of it. Feels like your heart and history is being ripped from you.
Honestly, I think the bride should have known that her family would be upset with her changing the ring, even if it was never explicitly discussed. Jewellery, especially antique/family jewellery, tends to be intensely meaningful to people, and you just don't alter it without discussing it with the person who gave it to you at the very least. That doesn't mean it's never allowed, of course, but it should be talked about. When I turned 21, my mother gave me her grandparents' wedding rings specifically so I could have them melted down to make something that fit me perfectly, and suited my taste - and I still adore the resulting ring. However, these were plain gold bands without any special decoration on them, and I was explicitly told that I could do whatever I wanted with the material. That, in my view, is a major difference.
About the ring: That she told no one (not even the person that the ring belonged to!) before the wedding makes it quite likely that she _knew_ that the family would not be okay with that ... and it was not even necessary: If she only wanted the material to melt it down, she could have asked for any old piece of jewelry that did not have this meaning.
The ring belonged to her. It was a gift. It’s her ring. She decided to change it so she would appreciate it and wear it every day. The alternative would be keeping it in a box and not appreciating it.
@@Jellybeansatdusk The alternative would be to decline it, to let one of the other family members have it instead.
@@animeartist888 that’s AN alternative, doesn’t mean it’s the 100% correct answer. Maybe she enjoyed the ring and felt very sentimental about it and wanted to keep it and wear it. It was her ring at this point, so that was her right.
@@Jellybeansatdusk I'm also allowed to shit on people's cars, but that still makes me a asshole if I do
@@galuxius1861 but that has literally nothing to do with the discussion? So it’s a really bad argument?
Of course Amy knew. That's why she hid it.
The final story is the kind of situation where I would say "you could have probably made this choice which would have been better but overall I wouldn't say you did anything wrong." The guy may have not even known that sort of thing WOULD matter to someone else, especially since it sounds from the way he talks like he views her as his daughter and it may have not crossed his mind in a significant way to say "oh btw she's not my biological daughter." Tbh from what the girlfriend said it seems like the only difference if he did things that way would have been her getting pissy or being shitty once she realized she didn't get along with Nora initially, and them having the same "don't make me put up with her if she's not even yours" argument before it being over. I mean, maybe it would have saved both of them time and energy if he realized sooner that she was a rude pos.
I feel like it doesn’t take a whole lot to realize that a family heirloom is important to people. And I think OP is right, Amy knew she was doing something shady or else she would’ve told her grandma straight up. So I don’t think saying she didn’t know it was that important is really a good excuse.
I have a ring from my great grandmother that I love so much and would never change! That being said, my mom also received a ring from the same grandmother that she didn’t like and asked everyone in the family if it was okay to change it, if not she said she would let someone else have it who wanted to keep it the same. No one else did, so My mom kept the diamond from it and turned it into a beautiful ring that she wears everyday. The key is asking and delegating family heirlooms to people who want them.
9:10
As an ice cream lover who used to have an overly cold freezer
Yeah they’re TA
Melting and re-freezing ruins the texture of the ice cream and makes it icy and hard.
All op needs to do is either be patient or poor boiling water over the scoop just before scooping to speed up the process.
No excuses for this. Ice cream is a very serious matter.
I do this all the time is you only do it for 10-20 seconds it doesn't really melt it just gets soft like if you left it out on the counter to get soft enough to scoop. Sometimes it's not even soft enough to scoop it out after 10 seconds.
Yeah boiling water is enough
I use a fork, works great! I suppose a hot fork would work even better.
you have a serious misunderstanding of what 10-20 seconds in the microwave does to icecream. saying it's being melted is misleading, it's not even enough to melt the edges, it just softens it enough that you can get the scoop or spoon in easier. if it's a smaller tub or half empty you put it in for less time but if you're familiar enough with your microwaves power it's still possible to soften it without melting in the microwave.
@@Ari_C Still softening it repeatedly will change the texture the whole way through
For the last one, Op's said that his daughter and ex would constantly fight. He didn't even introduce them with each other for eight months, probably because he already noticed something off about her. Given that the ex insulted the daughter when she found out, I think OP didn't tell her on purpose because he was either trying to protect the daughter or wasn't sure if she'd react well, which she didn't.
I think for the first one, if she knew she’d want a completely different ring, it may have been wise to sit down with grandma and gone “I love this so dearly, and the gesture was beautiful, but the ring i want is very different. I think it would be best to see if the other grandchildren want it in its current form and if not i’ll rework it for my style.” at least that’s what i’ve done with heirlooms in a similar situation
I wonder if it was cheaper to alter the grandmother's ring rather than buy exactly what she wanted new and give the heirloom to another family member.🤔
Maybe this why it was so hush and slightly deceiving to Grandma.
@@justanotherperson3102 I don’t know much about jewelry, so maybe it’s different, but in general getting something altered or custom made is almost always more expensive than buying something trendy “off the rack.” In this day and age, raw materials are usually a fraction of the cost of the labor of a skilled artisan.
@@violetsnotroses3640 Depends on the materials. In diamond rings, the diamond is usually going to be a pretty significant portion of the cost, especially if it's particularly large and/or high carat. Also depends on the skill level/business of the person doing the altering
For the ring one, it's possible that OP's family all live far away from each other and only meet at big events like a wedding. If that's the case I don't think OP is wrong for telling the Grandma at the wedding. Op did they they burst into tears when they found out, so it's possible they were hoping to find some solace in asking their grandma if she knew. Also, given that the bride's mother told the gradma that it was just a re-sizing, I'm pretty sure the bride knew it was wrong and tried to hide it.
NTA on the first one. The bride basically hid it until the wedding day, she definitively knew how controversial it was, why else would she not mention it AT ALL? She could have said it waaay before and made sure her wedding would be going smoother, but no. She also had the audacity to want an apology for someone being devastated at the alteration of an heirloom? For someone checking up on the grandma to see how she felt about it (OP wasn´t even gossiping about it)?
Being the one getting married is not a "Get out of jail" free card for lies, deception, and willful ignorance. They are an adult. Shouldn´t have waited for the wedding day. Imagine if Grandma found out WATCHING the ceremony? There is no way "Amy" didn´t realize that what she did was a big thing. She literally hid a ring she was proud of, until the wedding morning.
Ok, I'm gonna have to disagree with you right off the bat: Amy absolutely brought all the drama on herself by not saying a single thing about what she did BEFORE the morning of. She clearly KNEW it was not going to go over well and instead of preparing everybody for that shock, she just springs it on them without warning or remorse and how is the OP supposed to not burst into tears and speak their feelings when they're in shock with a raw wound. If Amy didn't want that brought up at her wedding, Amy should have thought of that and done it after the fact because either way it was going to be seen and found out and you can't just hide being that upset because people know how to read body language.
Amy is lucky everybody still attended and was cordual because if I was the OP I'd have been livid and walked away right there so as not to do something I'd regret for life.
Im pretty sure pride counselling is owned by better-help, who is known to sell user information and be extremely unprofessional - some people have received clearly untrained and rude counsellors
I think that the cousin with the ring should have just asked the grandmother if she thought adjusting it would be okay. I understand that it is not the grandma's wedding. However, the ring was once her's and was also given to her by her partner who she lost. In some ways it was still very important to her even as she passed it on. Checking in with the grandma would definitely help the situation in my opinion.
Oh gosh, the ring thing wrung my stomach into knots just hearing it. Mind you, due to very niche circumstances (I’ve had a lot of death in my life and witnessed a few too many family fights over peoples’ belongings than I really would like to think about) I don’t place too much attachment over tangible things. I have a handful of small things I hold dear from my nana and that’s about it - I even only have those because I finally let my grandma convince me to go through her things. Mostly practical things, but I do have some of her jewelry out of my grandma’s request.
Even if I don’t attach sentimental value particularly to things, though, I would never, ever consider changing or warping those things without checking to make sure at least my mom or sister were fine with it. If I was considering changing them, it would be a question of why I want to change it. If I just wanted something different I’d get something different, plain and simple. If you don’t want to use it as a wedding ring, wear it on a chain around your neck or something.
my heart skipped a beat when i read "i lied about having a child" bc i hadnt processed that this was an r/AITA video, anyways great content as always :)
For the last one, I'm wondering of OP didn't tell his GF the true nature of his relationship with Nora because deep down he knew the GF wasn't a long term relationship. I feel like there was a lot more to this relationship (OP and GF). But he is definitely not the AH.
I agree that's its weird it took so long on the 3rd one. I'd think the conversation would've come up, especially because most people want to know the status of the child's other parent. Seems like it'd be a pretty quick conversation then, "is Nora's mom in the picture?" "No, she was gone before my brother died." "?" "Oh, Nora was his daughter, but when he passed away she came to live with me." Boom, the basics are laid out with a simple conversation that can be had within in the first few months of dating.
The gf's reaction is over the top! Sure, I'd be confused about the technicalities of the situation and peeved he didn't share the details of such a big situation that affects us both, but at the end of the day, none of that changes that if she wants the guy, he comes with the kid. That fact doesn't change, her and Nora's inability to get along doesn't change, her having to accept and try to build a relationship of some kind with Nora doesn't change. So yeah, toss the gf into the bin.
Yeah I think that story is fake. I used to use Reddit a lot and was part of r/amitheangel which reposted stories like these to talk about how obvious fake it is. Sadly most posts on AITA are fake so I have a hard time believing anything on there, but this one seems obvious.
1) NTA for your feelings, a little bit YTA for dumping the feelings before the wedding BUT your sister decided the wedding day was the best time to spring it on your family and that to me feels like a red flag all on its own, the "You can't make a scene cause it's my wedding day so let me show you this exceedingly selfish thing I did to our family's precious heirloom." There is an expectation in every culture that heirlooms are precious and not to be tampered with so I don't feel like OP and older sister NEEDED to explain that to middle sister. I feel like only a narcissist wouldn't understand the value of an heirloom in its original form. Quote from 27 Dresses, "You're not my sister, you're just some b!tch who cut up my mother's wedding dress."
You know how people say that people often end up with someone with similar facial features to them? You and Jamie have the SAME smile. 😊
I think the wedding day is the perfect time to bring it up to an obvious bridezilla.
10 to 20 seconds in the microwave does NOT change the texture at all. It just makes it easier to scoop.
Forks work amazing for ice-cream 💯
Third one is NTA: dad didn't lie, and the identity of who his daughter shares genes with is nobody's business but her doctors.
I agree that they should probably get the legal side of things in order, because this seems like a long term thing and (aside from simplifying some things) it might help assuage any anxiety his daughter might have around his permanent place in her life.
15:19 For this third story, as someone who seeks to be an adoption competent social worker, I think that in that he’s leaning into “this is Nora’s story to tell not mine” and into the fact that she shouldn’t be treated differently because of her circumstances.
Kinship placements are hard and complicated, and yeah maybe it’s helpful to explain the legal aspects, but at the end of the day this dad’s strategy is the best one to support Nora as an adoptee and I think that counts for a lot here!
Also if the gf has been showing signs of not being the best about Nora, he might have been trying to figure out if she was a safe person to share her story with. She ultimately wasn’t and if she had that reaction in front of Nora it could have caused further trauma.
Not the asshole at all, the safety of his kid and the consent of his kid come first!
not to mention, have the GF never asked about Noras other parent at all? sounds like GF have shown about 0 interest in Nora except being annoyed by her existence. If i ever where to enter a relationship with someone who had a child would i definitely ask a bit about the other parent situation before meeting said child.
Exactly!!
If I found out that one of my cousins or siblings inherited my great-grandmother’s engagement ring and had it melted down without telling ANYONE first, I would be furious. But that’s not a patch on how angry my grandmother would be. Thankfully I’m quite confident the slated inheritor of that ring is very unlikely to do such a thing.
From bad ice-cream habits to horrible-gf-reacting-to-secretive-bf: THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY
She's nta, for feeling that way and for bringing it up cause amy decided to do that so she deserves it being brought up on her wedding
I soften ice cream in the microwave all the time, my microwave actually has a setting for that! I'm not melting it a lot though, so when I put it back in the freezer it doesn't change the texture. We've always done that in my family, so I didn't know it was a big deal for some people lol.
Amy should have known that the family that the FAMILY HEIRLOOM RING was important to the family and that basically destroying it would upset the family. This is literal common sense and there is no excuse. If it wasn't important to the family, it wouldn't be an heirloom.
Regarding the last one: making a human and becoming a parent are two different things. If OP says he's the kid's father, he is! GF is TA for assuming that being a biological parent take priority over the bonds they have created.
The first story- the cousin is 100% the asshole. She lied to grandma to get the ring she wanted, and used it to get the ring she had in mind, rather than hold onto the idea of a heirloom. I’d probably react the same way as OP- clearly the grandma wanted the ring to be the same, or at least very similar. If the grandma found out, she probably would’ve given it to a different grandchild.
Yes it’s “her ring,” but the intention of how she’d keep it was something the original owner did NOT want to happen. It’d be a very different situation if the grandma would’ve been okay with the change.
I have to completely disagree on the micro waving the ice cream. I have very severe texture issues when it comes to food and she would have just made that entire tub inedible for me (I will literally gag and/or throw up if I try to force myself). If the husband experiences things like that and the wife continues to ignore it, I find that incredibly disrespectful. Alter your own personal food not shared one’s.
I'm a jewellerysmith, and the first srory reminded me of how an older relative of mine asked me to make pendants to her grandchildren using her mom's engagement and wedding rings. They were simple, thin gold rings, no stones or anything, but for her, they were precious. Her initial thought was that I could melt them, but I saw it in her that she didn't really want that, and the amount of gold in them wasn't enough to make them into anything significant. I ended up making small pendants with a stone set in them, so that the actual rings stayed intact, and were sort of looped into the pendant. Heirloom jewellery can be worth so much more than their material value, and it's sad the bride didn't see that.
For the second story... I refuse to believe a tub of B&J's could ever remain in a freezer long enough to grow listeria after being microwaved. A lesser icecream, yes, but B&J's, never.
The third story just made me think, maybe the relationship was never meant to be long-term, if a thing like the daughter's history never came up. Either way, he was in the right, and the girlfriend was the AH.
The post about ice cream where they said the husband said "what it's 1 am go to bed" the same thing happened with me when I came out to my husband after questioning for like 2 years
About the last one, is totally understandable for the gf to be upset by him omitting the nature and founding about from someone else. BUTconsidering what she said, it looks like the reason is not the "lie" in itself but more so that she thinks by he not being the "real father" she spent time dealing with the kid when she shouldn't have to, wich is far from truth considering he is her father in the social aspect and makes a point of them being a package deal
And of course she is totally an AH for what she said
Hey Shaaba, rumour has it that Pride Counselling is run by BetterHelp - is that true..?
More!! More aita please!! Your videos are like a nice talk with a wise and funny friend
Amy deserves to have her wedding ruined if she lied to someone about what she'd do with a very sentimental gift someone gave her. It means that she knew the grandmother wouldn't like it if she told the full story, and tried to hide it. Sucks to be her, but that's what you get for only bringing this upsetting thing up on your wedding day. If you're going to be a AH on your special day and reveal this horrible thing you did, expect everyone to clapback
I've done the same thing as OP with certain ice creams that are too hard to scoop immediately out of the freezer. I have to be a careful with my hands/wrists, because I have a genetic condition that has already required several surgeries on my hands, wrists, and elbows.
I think what isn't coming through is that the ice cream doesn't melt.
Putting ice cream in the microwave for ten seconds is just enough time to take the ice cream from rock hard to scoopable. The overall texture doesn't change, and bacteria doesn't start growing, since the ice cream is still frozen, and keeps its structural integrity.
I think microwaving ice cream for a short time and then quickly refreezing it, is WAY better than leaving it on the counter for 10-15 minutes and then refreezing it then
11:08 "if avoiding a compromise costs less than $5, don't compromise". love it!
Re: the ice cream, yes, it is risky to thaw and refreeze things from a food safety perspective. However, after 10 seconds in the microwave, the ice cream is still frozen. It doesn’t enter the danger zone until it is warmer than 40°F, or about 4.5°C. This is why ice cream shops typically store their scoops in very hot water for easier scooping: same idea, perfectly safe.
(Source: I’ve been a certified food safety manager since 2007)
All that being said, if OP continues to microwave shared ice cream after their spouse communicates that they are uncomfortable with it, they are TA. Just get separate tubs or use the hot scoop trick.
Ice cream tip: find a way to reduce the power setting on the microwave before microwaving the tub, it will allow the ice cream to soften without turning part of it to liquid! Some microwaves even have a “warm” setting (a button similar to the the “popcorn” preset button or the “defrost” preset button) that does this power-setting adjustment for you. Also helpful for turning refrigerated butter into room-temperature (or at least softened) butter!
I've got whiplash from strain of going from an ice cream query to a concealed child!
The ring one reminds me of the scene from 27 Dresses where the sister cuts up their mother's wedding dress up create a new one, breaking the heart of the older sister who had always wanted to wear her mom's dress. It's so callous and inconsiderate
I mean if you don't want family drama at your wedding, don't show that you destroyed the ring that was given to you by your grandma the day of the wedding ^^'
For the second post, microwaving it 10-20 seconds is safer than leaving it on the counter 10-20 minutes and people are less likely to call you out for that when the goal is to get it soft enough to scoop.
If you're just wanting to warm it for you to eat, then scoop what you want and microwave just that.
My cousin (we're the only 2 granddaughters) got our grandma's wedding ring set after she passed. She married her longtime boyfriend a few years after and had my grandma's rings remade. I was surprised by it, but I think the new rings are lovely and still very sentimental since they were made from grandma's rings. It helps that there is no jealousy involved, since I got our great grandma's gorgeous art deco wedding ring. It worked out perfectly.
no joke our neighbours KNIFE out the ice cream, thought it was weird, now I'm doing it too cause it works
My cousin did this to a beautiful family heirloom ring, but it was even worse - my grandmother was in a rest home and she took the ring from her without her even knowing and got the diamond reset. We've never confronted her on it but we were pretty pissed (especially as the diamond was worth 10k and none of the rest of the cousins got anything significant from our grandma).
In the first story, the bride is the AH who only had herself to blame. She waited until her wedding day to 'show off' her rings, knowing full well she had destroyed a family heirloom! I'm wondering if she waited til the wedding day to drop that bombshell in the hopes that they wouldn't react so as not to spoil the occasion.
Shaaba….. i love how understanding you are. AND the man w| the kid doesn’t owe anyone disclosure or an explanation about the details of his relationship w| his child. not even his GF. if he said that’s his child, that’s his child. the rest is extra, not relevant, + not owed to anyone.
i can’t imagine someone i consider a parent feeling the need to explain that they’re not actually, technically, officially my parent. either they are or they aren’t. that’s it.
the man needs to thank the ex-GF for showing him who she is + not wasting more of his time. then move on. find someone who will accept, understand, + have patience for imperfect children who may not be the easiest to get along with.
'thank you next' vibes for sure!
If you paid for the icecream and you are the only one eating from it, then microwave away. If you did not pay for it or you are sharing the tub with others then it is far, far safer for everyone involved to just use a heated scoop. The poor person's method: dip a spoon into boiling water, flick the excess off and scoop. For everyone of means, there are dozens of gadgets that help you scoop rock hard icecream.
Love this series sooooo much ❤❤
I agree that with the Nora story it's like you said, there are some people who need to know the guardianship status situation. My grandfather had custody of me for my teen years and it made my blood boil whenever he pulled the "I'm your parent" card because both of my parents (as well as their spouses) were very much alive and involved in my life and I loved them. It made me feel like he was minimizing or dismissing their importance and trying to replace them. I may have missed whether or not Nora's feelings about calling him Dad were addressed, but it's one of those gray areas that I feel might benefit from some clarity and communication with more than just the girlfriend.
My dad is the oldest of three boys and was the first to marry... for some reason he and my mother didn't get the heirloom ring, his youngest brother did years later. He (my uncle) then got divorced... and his ex-wife went off with the family ring.
I mean... it was a HEIRLOOM, not a "Ooh, neat! A ring!".
It wasn't even "take apart" she DESTROYED it. It mentioned that she *melted* it down.
Atop hiding it and going behind everyone's back. So... "it was her wedding!" doesn't excuse it.
Like, if she had walked into the wedding wearing ex: their dead mothers wedding dress, after having stolen it, you don't "wait until after the wedding" as to avoid "ruining the wedding.
It was 10/10 a richard move, that was premeditated. And pretending to not know what a heirloom is... doesn't fly either.
With the wedding ring one the yta is the bride and only the bride. If I were in the op's shoes I'd likely have done the same. And if the grandma asked for the ring back it's gone now. You don't a pass on being a bad person or an idiot just because it's your wedding day.
the ice cream one made me laugh a bit lol. i always microwave mine for like 10 seconds and it never does anything to the texture, that aside, i think it's funny someone put that in AITA
That you can tell! Some people have really sensitive food issues. Myself included. My mother used to try and fool me with different brands or ways of preparing things. Didn’t work even once. We can tell lol
ye the ice cream one really confuses me as well. -i know a lot of people who do a really quick microwave if the ice cream is super hard? its nothing different that letting the ice cream stand on the table to get a bit softer before you eat it. Its not like you do it long enough for anything to get actually liquid
OP was not the AH in story 1. Amy was for greedily destroying a family heirloom and hiding it until her wedding gay, going so far to lie to grandma about what was done.
Ice cream: HEAT THE DAMN SCOOP. Jeez.
"Heritage" rings where they just break down the thing for scrap to save a couple dollars on a ""custom designed"" 3D printed piece of garbage is disgusting imo
I would be pissed personally If someone destroyed the family heirloom for 40 bucks worth of gold and a couple diamonds.
My grandmother asked to be buried in her wedding ring and my aunt CUT IT OFF OF HER and i was really upset but yeah nothin ican do. Not like i wore it all the time when i was a kid or anything and wanted my grandmothers wishes respected. I dont even wanna think of what could happen to it later.
Shabaa your energy is so refreshing. I adore your way of respecting other people's opinions. Big hugs and loads of love to you ❤
Sometimes I listen to these videos when I go to bed because shaaba has such a buttery smooth voice and it's very relaxing
For the first story, it sounds like only the white gold band and a single small diamond from the original ring was kept, with the rest being traded in to get a reduced price on the large diamond. That's not even taking the diamonds from an old ring and having them put into a new setting. That's selling the diamonds so that you can get a cheaper price for a big diamond. Completely disrespectful to the grandmother.
So I knew someone who told me she had a baby, we went close friend or anything she was someone I worked with. Then I found out she was lieing about it and not only did she not have a kid but also the photos she had shared of her kid was someone elses and she had essentially stollen the photos of this othet persons daughter and told everyone it was her daughter. I told her I didn't want to be her friend any more because thats a really weird thing to do and lie about for over a year especially when you are sharing photos and claiming a child is your own when you have literally never met this kid or her family.
I agree that in a year-long relationship, the question where your child came from sold probably have come up. Especially as a heads up of context for meeting her.
heirlooms and passed on or inherited jewellery is complicated to navigate. I recently made the choice to pawn 2 rings given to me by my mother. My relationship with my mother has gotten complicated and messy and strained in recent times and she is basically on a last chance probation almost. It's fragile. I didn't feel a strong connection with those rings. To me they were just nice rings that I wore but 1) they were gold and I mainly wear silver jewellery because I am blonde and pale and silver just looks better on me and the other rings I wear are silver so my mothers rings didn't match 2) one of them was my mothers old eternity ring from her now failed marriage to my father. I don't think her or my dad would appreciate seeing that constant reminder of their dissolved relationship everywhere and 3) I am childfree by choice and have 0 intention of having a child so it isn't like I would have someone to pass those rings onto in the future. People would argue that if my brother has kids I could pass them on to his kids but that shouldn't be the only reason two keep 2 rings that I really don't want. I don't regret my decision. I would rather someone who is really going to value those rings buys them and wears them and loves them and makes new and better memories with them.
On and the sister was the a for melting down the heirloom ring and not telling anyone and hiding it until the wedding day. the OP is not the a because the wedding day was the first she knew about the new ring so was the first chance she got to confront sister about it. If you are going to do something like that tell people. I told my parents about selling my mothers rings and they understood the reasons. including my mother. I am thankful that people didn't really have strong feelings about the rings I sold but like if sister knew this ring had a lot of meaning to others in the family she could have at least asked before doing what she did.
For the too hard ice cream my family has a really good “trick”, put plastic wrap on top of the ice cream, to were it’s mostly touching the ice cream, it’ll keep it easier to scoop
The ice cream one is so silly because Ben and Jerry’s is just a pint, but two and do whatever you want with yours 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t think the gf needs to know the full story. Especially since her and Nora didn’t get along. Sure he should’ve said hey she’s not my legal/bio kid. But I feel like the rest of the story is something that should be shared on Nora’s terms. As the kid I would not want that shared with someone I don’t like. And as the gf I wouldn’t feel like I needed to know further than that. It’s none of her business.
Honestly, the ice cream one is so cute. Such a tiny thing, yet op sees that it bothers her husband & wants to know why & how to fix that. ❤
the way I see it, if Nora not being biologically his matters so much to the girlfriend, she could have asked in those months about the mother and gotten the story that way. (I'm assuming) she didn't ask questions, and Nora not being his biological child doesn't make a difference for him, so he didn't think that part was important to bring up.
Being in a community of Peaches is one of my favorite things ever. I love being a Peach (and I’m hoping to be a backstage Peach soon) love you Shaaba, you wonderful, gorgeous, sassy woman you 😊 ! (I also love being one of many LGBTQuties!!)
When Listeria is found it's usually in dairy products. You can for sure get it from ice cream, though the microwave temperature would kill them, so here it's not an issue. I just think the texture after letting ice cream melt and refreezing is gross (my brother will take the whole tub out to eat, letting the whole thing melt and then put it back. UGH)
I knew that my grandma was planning on her wedding ring being passed on to me, but i didnt realize she expected it to be my wedding ring, and she was mad enough that my husband got me a different ring that she gave it to one of my other sisters (who was already married so it wasn't her wedding ring either...) my grandmother would have exploded if her ring had been melted down to something else!
I wouldn't have said anything at the wedding but there is a callousness about changing the ring when grandma is still alive that is hard to get past.
Also I will admit that I too am an ice cream asshole but will try to do better
You can also just take a bit of ice cream out of the tub into a little bowl and then microwave it. I've never eaten ice cream straight out of the tub. Sure, it's one bowl more to wash, but then everyone can eat from the same tub and everyone is happy with the consistency
From what I understand she don't like scooping the freezed ice cream ^^
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm think ESH just generally means both/all of the people involved in the argument are in the wrong. I don't think anyone outside of the central conflict who has just given their opinion on the conflict, or who is just named in the story needs to be TA for a post to qualify as ESH.
The sentence “just to take the edge off the ice cream” is very funny to me. Neither of them are assholes but it’s just. So funny
Like when people are like “the burn of salt”
“What? It’s 1am, go to sleep”
Lmao aw
the BURN hahaha