2) NTA, as a former delivery driver myself, I once had a delivery order that was literally down the block from the restaurant. I walked it over instead of using my car, that's how close it was. The whole time, I was thinking to myself what a lazy piece of work to not just come get it yourself. Rung the doorbell, man who opened the door looked like he'd been up for eight days while his little girl was screaming and crying in the background. He may have been a block away but he NEEDED someone to come to him. Never judged another delivery again where people "could have got it themselves."
Glad to hear you learnt as a physically disabled person some times i couldn't go get food myself and most times i do want fast food i am capable of getting it but there was one week where my friends and i (all lived together at the time) had to order food in as we were in self isolation and i couldn't walk that week let alone cook
I've gotten delivery from a place that is extremely close before, because I was not in a mental place to leave the house. But the delivery person most likely wasn't able to tell that just from handing me my food. My point is: Even if you can't tell why someone couldn't have gotten their food (i.e. they are not visibly disabled or a single parent) people have circumstances that you can't know about (and honestly shouldn't). Maybe they just lost someone, maybe they have depression in general or maybe they just woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day. I think we could all do with being kinder and less judgemental towards each other, even if it can be hard as an overworked minimum wage worker who just wants to end their shift already :') (and I totally feel that)
As someone who almost died from getting my tonsils out, there’s no such thing as a minor surgery. Also, as a child of divorce, crappy spouse doesn’t mean crappy parent.
Tonsillectomies shouldn't be considered "minor" surgery anyways. There's a ton of vasculature around that area. There's also just the fact that no procedure or medication is without risk
Minor surgery does exist but wouldn't call tonsil surgery minor. I've had a small biopsy of a benignly cancerous mole on my breast. All they did was numb the area, hole punch out the mole, scrape the remaining cells and sew me up in like 15-20 minutes while I was fully conscious. That was still classified as surgery and I would definitely consider it pretty minor.
I feel like as long as it's a surgery where they don't keep you overnight in the hospital afterwards then it's fairly minor to moderate at most. Like I had a double mastectomy/top surgery and it was the easiest one I've ever done lol. But wether it's major or not it's still scary and it sucks.
@@oliverg6864 You had top surgery and left the same day??? They kept me for one night only, because I paid for everything myself (unusual here since I live in Germany) and staying in the hospital is expensive. Usually, they keep people for 5 days at least! I really wouldn't call a mastectomy minor, even though there's no inner organs involved. When I think of minor surgey, I think of things like, removing something from your skin. I'm not a surgeon though, and I'd be interested to know if there's actually a definition on what constitutes a minor surgery.
For the last one: she would be so pissed if kid went to the hospital on one of dad's weekends and dad did not let her visit. So yeah, definitely AH. Also, she better have told the kid that she didn't allow dad to come, rather than telling the kid that "dad doesn't want to come". I was raised by my mom after a divorce and my father is an asshole who was not interested in seeing me. So to see this mother artificially creating a feeling of paternal abandonment makes me so angry.
Yes me too. My Dad wasnt interested in any of mine of my siblings major medical events, he barely managed to sign when it was required nevermind call or visit. To see this mum keeping a parent who wants to be there deliberatly away is so infuriating it's all my Mother wanted for us even after the rather ugly divorce and years long court battles, any chance of him seeing us at all nevermind how uncomfortable that made her was a good one in her books.
As a former divorce lawyer I’m agreeing 100% the last one is the AH. I would often have to tell clients that being a bad husband (eg cheating) doesn’t make them a bad parent. I appreciate there are feelings flying around in these situations but the child comes first without question.
Yea the only time being a bad partner could potentially make them a bad parent is abuse of any kind, because they've shown that no matter how much they're supposed to love you, they're willing to hurt you in some form and could very well do that to your child.
As a child of divorce and someone going through a divorce as we speak, I am on the fence here. If the mom truly fears that her ex could abscond with the kid I wouldn't be comfortable with him being around at all (minus court order visitation). She did mention that, so that's where I feel a little uneasy. Given what we've been told, if her lawyer advised he not be allowed to see the kid except during visitation, then she is well within her right to adhere to that council. I cannot judge whether or not the lawyers advice is legally sound, though.
@@nininoona Well, what OP said was that they didn't want the husband to use the hospital visit to "take [the son] away from me more than he already does" or to "get out of child support"; which has to refer to the existing custody arrangement. That reads, to me, as someone who just wants the kid to themself and wants the ex-husband to vanish so they doesn't have to deal with him again. I get that, especially since it was a very difficult divorce and the husband was disrespectful by cheating, etc.; but nothing gives an indication that the husband is a danger to the child (or a danger to OP beyond annoying them). Without evidence that the husband is a genuine danger, this just sounds like someone who is making visitation decisions based on what they want to get from their ex, not what is best for the child in question.
Maybe you can enlighten me, but I feel like the lawyer shares some blame here, for advising OP not to let her ex see their son outside of the custody arrangement. Is that normal advice? Is there an exception for medical emergencies?
@@alex_blue5802I agree (don’t have an answer, sorry). Why does “I saw him outside of custody time once, that means the custody agreement is bad” make sense? It seems like a rule set up to hurt the child, since in addition to medical emergencies I can imagine “Daddy can’t come to your birthday/ piano recital/ etc because it isn’t on his weekend” being really damaging to the son.
As a divorce child - if your sick kid is demanding to see the other parent, and the parent hasn't been abusive or anything, denying it makes you just plain cruel, and a bad parent. It sounds like the mom is using this to punish the father further, but the son is suffering for it, too, which is a major asshole move. Also, the kid is probably the first time in the hospital / being operated on and scared, how would he kow it's "not major", what difference does that make to a six year old??? Some grown-ass adults are deathly afraid of any type of surgery, and I can't blame them, any type of surgery bears a risk, that's why you sign so many papers beforehand (at least here in Germany). Not to mention that this whole experience must have been scary and painful before the hospital, when they were figuring out what's wrong. Poor little guy. He deserves a better mom.
honestly, just by the way she logics this incident, it tells me a lot about how she parents in other instances and i doubt this little kid will be happy with her in the long run
I couldn't agree with you more. Also child of divorce. My parents would *never* have pulled that nonsense! If the father isn't abusive, the child should be allowed to see him. The mother's hurt doesn't mean the child stops loving his dad. I'm an adult. I had minor invasive surgery early this year and was absolutely terrified. Cried for the whole week preceeding it. I'm in Japan and had about 100 pages of paperwork to sign and fill out. I did not have my parents or support system with me (they don't live in Japan). I would have loved to see them. It would have helped so much. Poor child! How dare this mom pull this bs!!!
I am an adult and hospitals make me uncomfortable, so to minimise the experience of a 6 year old is crazy to me. As you said, it’s probably his first time (and even if it is not, maybe he remembers pain or something else unpleasant from a previous experience) and it is totally normally to want BOTH parents when one is a sick child. The mother is saying her son probably already forgot about it, but he may not. Maybe he will remember that his dad was not there when he was in hospital. Or that mom doesn’t want him to see dad. It’s not even about the father, it’s about the son being little and not feeling great, so he wants his dad around and to know he is there for him.
That hospitalized child should definitely have been able to see his dad. The ex-wife should have facilitated this get together. Children are NOT pawns, and so long as the dad isn’t unfit as a parent, the dad and child should have been allowed to see each other in the hospital.
2nd story: I used to deliver for Dominos. We were always told that we were not to go into apartment complexes as insurance would not cover us and we could be dismissed for risking it (it’s to protect us from getting attacked out of rescue’s reach). So for apartment buildings I would always request they come down to meet me. One customer I had was really nasty about it through the intercom, but I stuck my ground and a neighbour got it for her. That being said, no reason for him to yell up the stairs like that. I used to just explain that I could get fired for it and therefore wouldn’t, no reason why he couldn’t have done the same.
I can absolutely understand that. And I always go down to meet the delivery, but I would WANT them to come up because in the delivery app I use, they ask you HOW THEY CAN GET INTO THE BUILDING, what floor you are on etc. So if the delivery personal doesn't want to/ should come up I think they should take that info away from the app because it's very confusing if I can add info so that the person CAN come up, but they don't wanna do that. Again, I totally understand that it's for safety issues
I wonder how that mom would have felt if the kid had gotten appendicitis on the dads weekend? Would she have been okay not visiting him in the hospital? What if she knew he was scared and asking for her? It seems like she probably would and it’s a unfair double standard.
As a delivery person the WORST thing is not being texted back. Sometimes you get lost, sometimes the customer entered the wrong address. Also, I’m a woman, and I too can feel unsafe in strange neighbourhoods at night and don’t wanna have to hang around for long periods of time. Would I yell at this person? no. But PLEASE answer your phone from delivery drivers… we’re people trying to do our jobs. (I’m mostly reacting to the “I didn’t want to have to deal with that”. I’m not a “that”.)
Would add a small aside here- we do also have the option to call the customer. But it's his job to take it to her door, not to the lobby or the office or whatever.
Oooh that last one... "i Don't want him to take my son away from me, more than he already is.." first of all he's not just your child, the ex is not taking him away from you, the child belongs to both of you, the dad just wants to be there for his son. She says that the kid spends two weekends out of a month with him, thats 4 days out of 30\31, the dad barely has any time with the kid as is. It doesnt matter what happened between you and your partner, once you have children, if he's a good dad its your responsibility as a mother to put your personal feelings aside, put your child's first and be a good parent. What she needs is to talk to a psychologist not a lawyer. 100% assholle
I think that's a bit harsh. If he cheated on her and broke her heart, it's not hard to imagine that she feels like she's had the rug pulled from under her. She might live in fear that he will also then turn around and take her kid from her (if he has the bigger income, or has a new partner so can provide a more "family" environment). That being said, I also think that she was the AH to not include him in the hospital visit.
@@JoRiver11I’m sorry but she needs to put her big girl pants on and think about her son in this situation. She is clearly bitter about the infidelity, but there is nothing indicating the ex is not a good father or that he is trying to get full custody. Maybe he would want more than 2 weekends out of the month, but why is that not fair as long as he can provide stability and a safe home for the son? Maybe it would also be nice for the child to see his father a bit more often. I’m not saying that is what needs to happen or that it is the father’s plan, just saying that parental custody should be in the interest of the child, not the wish of one parent against the other.
My parents went through one of the worst divorces I ever heard of. Almost every time they had to speak to each other it ended up in a screaming match. The only time that this didn't happen was when I was sick. There are two times that I can think of where I was in the hospital. The first time was a school event where they were both there and they sucked it up and got in the same car and drove me to the hospital. I don't speak to my dad any more and my mother refuses to acknowledge his existence, but I give them so much credit for being able to stfu and be there for me when I really needed it.
I feel like my life experience qualifies me to comment on the last recount. My parents divorced a long time ago, but during my childhood would call each other immediately if anything happened to me or my sibling. The only time a lawyer was involved was during the divorce proceedings, and custody arrangements changed over time to reflect circumstances. No-one ever tried to "weasel" extra time. Mind you, my parents' marriage didn't end in cheating, so there wasn't much to be bitter about. The fact that there are still two divorce lawyers involved in these coparents' lives is a red flag. It's hard to tell, from the post, whether the mother is being overly cautious or weaponising the child, or if perhaps her ex has tried to manipulate things to forcibly change the custody or monetary arrangements in the past. We haven't been given enough context to know for sure. Generally, a father should be allowed to visit their child in hospital- but there are exceptions, and without knowing who is the reason lawyers are still involved, I feel that we really can't say if this father might be an exception to that rule.
As a delivery driver, I wouldn't yell at a client for not coming downstairs, but not responding to their texts intentionally is a bad move. But also, when I've worked Instacart, etc. Etc. The timing can really eff you up. It's super rough because you don't necessarily choose to work gig economy jobs, & your time is your only asset. You don't get paid hourly, so if its been a long day and going up stairs will add ten fifteen minutes, it really dips into your ability to afford food yourself. I wouldn't have done what that driver did, but not responding to texts was an asshole mood. ESH.
As a delivery driver myself I see problems with both people. First he was very unprofessional in the way he handled it, and I don't have a problem with her wanting it brought up to her My problem is her ignoring the text. She should have at least let him know what she wanted him to do, we get paid by the delivery and get very annoyed have to wait for costumers who don't properly answer doors or text/phones. Time is money
Didn't she already tell him to ring the doorbell? I get that she could have repeated the message but it seems like he was also being passive-aggressive about it.
@@alex_blue5802 but if u don't specify and just ask someone to ring the dorebell can mean both... Like "ring the main entrance doorbell" or even "ring my door's doorbell", no?
Mans should find another job if a few steps send him into tantrum mode. Womp womp for him but there's a ton more things the driver can do with their life
I agree. From the story it didn't seem like she was very clear about whether she was coming to get the food or not. He responded very unprofessionally with the yelling, but I could see being annoyed about that.
I find that even when I state to ring my doorbell on the order, they don't. I think it is normal to expect any delivery to ring the doorbell. I'm also not glued to my phone, I don't think it's right to ignore the texts but also NTA for it
I'd argue the first person is probably a former people pleaser, cause they were so impressed with the situation and them saying no. For anyone that's a normal discussion, but for someone learning to set boundaries, that's a lot. At least that's my understanding aha
Also a child of divorce. I used to call my dad whenever I was upset with my mom, and it made her so mad she would not allow me to call him. I had to sneak the phone away. Parents are just people, and people are flawed. That last one is the AH, she needs to remember that her child's needs come first. And a 6 year old child can communicate their needs and should be heard.
I would think that refusing to let your hospitalized child see their other parent is a great way to get dragged back into court. What would she have done if it had happened on her ex's time? Unbelievable.
It’s heartbreaking the way a lot of parents try to weaponise their children in the divorce. Be an adult, put your feelings toward them aside and do what’s best for the child
I was that kid. According to my mom, I was a horrible daughter for not hating my dad. She DARVO’d me a lot, saying my continued positive relationship with my dad was far more heinous than the stuff she did to me. Other adults in my life sided with her, telling me to be more “reasonable.”
That last one really hit hard. My parents got divorced when I was about 5 years old and it was anything but an amicable split. My parents would always be badmouthing each other to me and my older sister. However much a parent/parents are hurting, they seriously need to think about how their behaviour only ends up punishing the children. Some 45 years later, and the pain of those situations is always there.
I laughed about the "it's like asking a zoo to smell less". I work at a vet hospital. Specifically in the emergency/hospitalization area, which is literally the noisiest place in the whole building. Dogs are constantly barking, as expected. I have a boss that likes to go there to talk on the phone, despite him having his own private closed office, and then complains about the noise because he can't hear. Like boohoo, dog doing the barky and it annoys you? F****ing deal with it. The child one, YTA. Even if it's a "routine surgery", hospitals are scary for a child, and he is most likely in pain or uncomfortable anyway, how common or easy the surgery is for the professionals has nothing to do with that. The child doesn't know surgery success rates or complications when he is experiencing that situation.
that man spitting on jamies shoe??? doesn’t matter Id be seeing red- like if it was my shoe I’d of let it go but someone I care about, Id be throwing hands. but honestly props to you for bot making a situation more complicated than it needed to be
I've never had to come downstairs for a delivery order - I'm paying for the delivery so that I don't have to leave my flat. The only exception was when I was partying with my friends on New Year's Eve, and the flat was in a closed residential, so we figured it'd be easier for us to come down then for the delivery guy to ring the number at least twice and then try to find the right block in the residential.
The delivery drivers actually enter your buildings to deliver into your actual door? That sounds crazy to me. Sounds so unsafe. In my country we just go down to pick our food from the building door. Unless you live in a fancy place with a doorman, so they pick it for you.
I'm from Belgium and I would always go down as well... unless something is preventing me from going down, like a severe illness. in that case I woud explain it in my request (and probably leave a small tip as well)
From Finland, and at least the food delivery apps I use still have the option for "no-contact delivery" (delivery diver leaves your order next to the apartment door, rings the bell to let you know it's there, and leaves) that came to be during covid. As someone who doesn't enjoy a lot of social contact with strangers, it's been really great for me.
Last story: the only reason why a parent shouldn't be allowed to see their child in hospital is if the child's safety is in question. OP's (probably terrified) child wants their parents at their side to help them go through surgery and OP is worried about child support. Seems pretty cruel to me
Obviously standard procedures vary, but when I had my appendix out as a kid, I was in the hospital for less than 24 hours. So the kid being in the hospital for three makes me wonder exactly how routine the whole thing was.
Might have something to do with how young the kid is, might be his immune system just isn't great to begin with, might be that he's just tiny and fragile normally, might be that they didn't diagnose it until it was about to be deadly. I got appendicitis at about 4 or 5 years old, and I was in the hospital for over a week. But I had ALL of the above additional complications.
Offering perspective: I had my appendix out at 26 a couple years ago and I was kept in hospital for 4 days. I didn't have any complications but I couldn't stand straight or walk comfortable for the first 3 days. I think it may just come down to the specific procedure you had (mine was keyhole and my appendix was very upset at me) and how fast you heal as an individual or your condition? (I was going thru a lot of financial stress at the time)
In regard to the delivery scenario, I've had this with food but the worst was when I had broken my leg. I lived in a six floor walkup. I finally was able to use a cane instead of crutches. I ordered the cane, and the delivery person left it in the "lobby." I put lobby in quotation marks because it was just a hallway with first floor apts and the mail boxes. The building was not secure and packages were stolen all the time. I could not go down the six flights with my crutches and then, with my crutches, bring up the box with the cane in it. I was livid. Luckily, a kind neighbor brought it up for me. The stairs were steep and the building was not well maintained. But just leaving it down there felt like a slap from the universe when it had already slapped me hard with the breaking of my leg.
That last one hits way too close to home. being caught in the middle of a divorce battle, no matter how old the child, will absolutely leave scars. when I was around 6-8 (can't remember how old exactly, my memory around the time of my parent's divorce is super hazy) my mum stopped me from seeing my dad for a year. I was weaponised in a divorce battle and it hurt. being separated from your dad for so long can hurt a child so much. that period of my life has still left lasting effects today... and I still resent my mum for doing that to me. when op said something along the lines of their child has already forgotten about the situation... that touched a nerve. because although it seems like the kid has moved on, you have no idea what kind of effect that will have on them later on. I'm not usually one to leave comments but that last story felt all to real for me 😭 I had to ramble a bit
With the last story, the mother needs to think about how she would of reacted if this happened on the dads custody time, she would have wanted to see her child
The last one with the custody and kid in the hospital, what if the situation was reversed? Kid got appendicitis on Dad's weekend. So that would mean Mom wasn't allowed to see him in the hospital because it was Dad's weekend??? That's ridiculous. I feel like OP is getting bad advice from the lawyer or taking away the most extreme interpretation of what he tells her.
I think the latter - weaponizing the lawyers advice in order to take out her hurt against ex and punish him for cheating on her/leaving her/whatever. I think it's not uncommon advice to be stringent on custody arrangement if you want to maintain them (whether that's because she wants to maintain full custody or because he's been aggressive in the past about increasing time/reducing support). But that stuff should go out the window during an emergency. And it would be shut down in court, most likely, if the dad tried to use a single emergency situation as grounds for rearrangement (barring neglect/abuse/etc). I really think she took standard advice and used it as a weapon. He cheated on her, he hurt her, he ruined their lives, so he doesn't get to see their son, and it's exactly as it should be to her - it's the consequences of his evil actions. That's why she's surprised when people don't take her side - she views it all through the frame of the dissolution of their marriage and he's the asshole there. So obvs, everything after is just desserts.
I will be frank that I am not a child of divorce, but I can only imagine that if one parent was not allowing the other parent to visit me in the hospital when I’ve specifically requested it, I would be upset at them. It could majorly hurt the child’s trust in you to deny them something as simple as someone who could bring them a comfort in a time they’re likely terrified.
I'd forgotten that buildings in the UK start counting floors from the floor above the ground floor, unlike here in the US where we start counting from the ground floor, so I was temporarily very confused by the notion that the delivery driver had to go up the stairs to get to the first floor.
As a child of divorce (geez there are a lot of us in the comments, aren't there?) my dad weaponized me and kept me away from my mother any time he could.. He married a hardcore Xtian fundamentalist so he could show he had a "good family" then left her to raise me. Not because he thought she was better, but to get back at my mom. Even *I* could see that by the time I was 9 or 10. He's always been that way - he doesn't like kids, they're loud, unpredictable, and illogical. I found out later that once, my mom had asked to borrow $10 so she could afford to keep me for her full month of summer custody (always the best time of the year for me). He said no, because of course he did. And he wasn't obligated to say yes. I went back to his/my stepmonster's house crying the whole way. I did this at the end of the "every other weekend" custody for years. My stepmonster blamed my mom, claiming she was saying something to upset me. She yelled at me for this supposed manipulation. My dad believed it, too. All mom said, when I begged her to let me live with her on each and every Sunday I was there was that she "wasn't ready." She didn't say it at the time but she have the money to raise me without child support, and was too scared of him for a court battle. I understand that now. We finally got it sorted out when I was a sophomore in HS and I asked my dad *directly* (without stepmonster) and said it was time that I lived with my mom. By then, the marriage he'd crafted to take me away was falling apart anyway, AND mom had remarried so he didn't have the "single mom" excuse to keep me with him. And of course he still had no desire to raise a child. So my stepmonster abused me especially badly for the last week I was there because it was her last chance, then sent my dad off to get a job hundreds of miles away and send her his whole paycheck. She was such an abusive bitch and he divorced her soon after. I also thought mom had "kicked me out" as soon as I graduated High School because she didn't want me there. I resented her for that for YEARS. What I didn't know then was that I started school late bc I missed the age cutoff, so I was one of those weird HS kids who turned 18 halfway through senior year. And THE SECOND I turned 18, my dad cut off child support, knowing I was still in high school. To hurt my mom. Thanks, dad. Good to know you resent your ex-wife more than you love your child.
re Delivery Driver: The condo building I lived in had a rule where you HAD to go down to pick up deliveries. They did not want random delivery people having access to the whole building. That said, I think I did have them bring it up once or twice when something made it more challenging for me to go down.
The delivery Story: I think it's perfectly reasonable not to want to pick it up downstairs. Also depending on your situation, you might not feel safe to do that. If they come to your door and you get weird vibes, you could slam the door quickly. If you go downstairs, you usually wont be able to see them, before you open the door and if they try something, you cant really escape the situation.
The only thing I would add for the last story is that even if there has been partner abuse only, not child abuse, I would revise my thinking that OP is the AH. Witnessing abuse of one parent also does a lot of harm to children and post separation, many abusers begin to more directly harm their children either physically or psychologically. Having said that, that does not seem to be the case here. Cheating means someone sucks as a partner but they can still be a good parent. OP is the AH.
I was here to say that. A lot of the time an abusive ex can seem like the best dad in the world, the kids love them, everyone says how great they are at being a parent etc., but the whole while they're continually and deliberately telling the kid how the other parent is awful, how the other parent is the reason their family isn't together anymore, how the other parent spends all the money they give them, how the other parent is trying to stop them from seeing the kid, how the other parent is crazy, stupid, mean and a liar, etc, etc, etc. This isn't as apparent as abuse, but can absolutely ruin the child's relationship with the non-abuser and even groom them into being the abuser's proxy in continuing the abuse against the other parent. This idea that how someone is as a partner isn't at all linked to how they are as a parent is absolutely untrue. There are many ways in which you can be a bad partner and still be a good parent (imo cheating has no bearing on parenting), but there are also PLENTY of ways being the former means you can't be the latter.
For the delivery one, I used to work in the leasing office for an apartment complex. During the week, we had enough staff to take an actual lunch break without leaving the office unattended, but we took turns working alone on the weekend. Since we didn't have enough people, we would usually do a working lunch and just munch at the desk. I ordered lunch from a restaurant nearby. I left instructions for how to get to the office (there are two doors to our building, one at the bottom of the hill, which is not a short walk away, and one at the top of the hill that comes right to the office door). This driver parked at the bottom of the hill and would not drive the food the remaining couple hundred yards to actually bring it to me. I explained I was at work and could not leave the office, and he called me a lazy bitch.
For the last one: I have divorced parents and all my mum’s siblings (who I am very close to) all have kids who are under the age of 10 and all are also children of divorce/separation, so I’ve also seen from the outside. I agree the mother is an AH. That child will not remember why he was in the hospital, what it was for, all he will remember is that his father wasn’t there for him. That relationship will most likely have some damage done because that child doesn’t understand custody or any of that. There’s something I’ve heard that I think applies well: “Your child will not remember every play, party and event you attended, but they will remember the ones you didn’t” That child has been taught that his father won’t be there for him when he needs it most, and it’s not even the father’s fault. The mother is an AH.
gym environments can be weird - I know at my gym, only men have ever asked me (nicely, rudely, once or twice with frank intimidation attempts) to get off a piece of equipment. Maybe the person in this post has had a similar experience and has had enough.
Yea honestly I found that story really weird - like inconveniencing 7 other people by making it hard for them to hear is really the hill you want to die on? But I guess it makes sense if she saw it as a power move of allowing herself to take up space when she has spent so much of her life being silenced and people-pleasing. Still think it was an AHoley thing to do though.
@@gymnasticsgirlie0647I don’t think it is a weird hill to die on or that she was inconveniencing people. She was at the gym and doing what people at the gym do, without making additional noise, being loud or taking a lot of space. If anything, the 7 people were inconveniencing her by touring the gym and asking her to stop what she is doing. Maybe she was on a tight schedule or had a specific exercise routine she wants to do, which is fair. It would be different if the tour had been announced prior and she purposefully was in the way.
I’m going ESH for pizzagate. Uber Eats dude was rude af yelling in the hallway, but OP was being unreasonable to leave him standing at the door and ignoring his texts. And I’m not sure that “I’m not wearing shoes” is a great reason to not go down when it would’ve taken two minutes to put some on and go down the one flight of stairs to the front door.
I think the divorcee could have avoided the concerns by getting the ex-husband to write up an email saying he won't use this to weasel anything in court
I feel like the first one is a perfect example of Ask culture vs. Guess culture. Askers act on the assumption that anyone is free to ask anything, but also everyone is free to say no. Guessers act on the assumption that you should try to guess ahead of time what the answer will be, and only ask if there's a good chance the answer will be yes, otherwise you're putting the person on the spot. As a guesser, I'd be horrified to be in that situation, but it sounds like everyone handled it well. NAH.
Interesting! I've read a bit about Ask vs. Guess culture before but never really wrapped my head around it. The way you've explained it has made the most sense. I guess in that particular scenario I relate more to the person (employee of the building?) leading an induction around the gym. I'm a public speaker/former actress and even though I've learned how to power through noisy distractions when I'm speaking to a group of people, it is incredibly draining and more exhausting to talk louder and remember what you were saying when there's competing noises. I don't go to a gym, so I couldn't say which machine would be louder to exercise on, but it sounds like the guy just needed a couple minutes of quiet to say his bit about the gym and move them on to the next room. Surely the gym-user remembers their own induction to the building and could be a little bit accommodating for a few minutes. I feel all they've really done is shown that building employee and their soon-to-be neighbours that they're not willing to compromise over something very small. I mean, if they want to be thought of as being slightly unreasonable by their future neighbours, that's probably all they've achieved.
As a divorced single mom of older 'children' (18 and 20), I can remember the complexities of the early years. Despite my concerns regarding my ex (there was never enough for me to "take" the kids from him, despite some safety concerns), I needed to wait until my kids (then 12 & 14) to finally decide to leave him to live with me full time. But, even when I was most concerned, the fact that my kids wanted to see their dad convinced me that I should allow that. It needed to be their call. (Law here takes kids opinions into account, especially at 12/14 years of age) It is a heartbreaking story, but I feel that parents should never use their child(ren) as pawns. It's not a game.
Fun story, I had covid and had a food shop delivered. The driver said he couldn’t come into the building as he was due to have surgery the following week. I shouldn’t have left my flat as there were narrow communal corridors/ areas I had to walk through to get to the main front door. I ended up having to go out of my flat wearing a mask. That was a tricky situation.
He was due to have surgery, but driving deliveries whilst knowing that he shouldn't be climbing stairs?? That driver is both stupid and TA. If you can't do the job, you shouldn't be logging in.
That last one riled me up. I've been in that woman's shoes. Still am. But going threw the separation, the divorce, and post-divorce, the thing that drives my decision is "Is this best for my children?" Sometimes you have to suck up your pride and hurt and be the better person because your kids deserve the best parent you can be. It sucks. It's painful. But your kids are more important that your pain and your pride. Suck it up, buttercup. (If that doesn't work, put yourself in the other parent's shoes. This woman would have been furious if he had done it to her. And also it's not giving up time if she stayed in the room.)
On the last one, my parents didn't divorce but I was a child who was 'weaponized'. I get to work that out in therapy now. Kids tend to internalize this stuff as their fault and it leads to lasting repercussions. Always protect your child, but be careful to be a good co-parent when possible. It was certainly possible in that case unless a lot of context was omitted.
the only like potential way that the last story is not so clear cut is if the other woman might also be coming to the hospital *and* the child doesn’t want her there. i thought abt that a little bit since my mom has a boyfriend and while he’s cool, i wouldn’t rly want him in a hospital with me (at least at this point)
For the second one, I go downstairs to pick up deliveries because my building is very confusing. But lucky every app I use has options to say “leave at door” which I do if I am too sick to do the stairs, or I can put in the comment area “meet outside” which is what I normally do. I can’t believe the driver in the story was so rude about it.
"So take my advice because I clearly don't use it!" that's so funny! xD My disabled ass wouldn't want to go all the way downstairs to get my order either, especially with no elevator! That driver was so rude! The word "lazy" is my least favorite word in the English language and it pushes my berserk button.
When I worked as a delivery driver, at one point we were told not to go into people's blacks of flats for safety/legality reasons and we should get things collected from the front door to the building. Sometimes I had to explain it to a customer, but they came down once they knew that was the case.
My ex-husband also cheated on me with his "mythological ex" with whom he's in a relationship now. There was more to it, and there was some emotional abuse following the divorce. But as a parent, my ex has always been amazing with our daughter, apart from some minor moments of irresponsibility. She loves him very much and the feeling is mutual. If my daughter was in the hospital and he wanted to see her, there would be no question. We are both her parents, we both love her more than anything, and our disagreements and gripes with each other should never affect her. As long as he's a good father, there is no reason in the world to keep him from seeing his child.
The divorce one is so much an example of why you have to put your relationship with your ex aside for the sake of your children; someone can be an absolutely shitty spouse, but a fantastic parent and your child deserves to have a relationship with both parents (obviously there are differences for cases involving abuse). ALSO, in cases like this, your ex isn't "taking your child away from you" during their parenting time. You BOTH need time to parent and build a relationship with your child.
A she did ask the lawyer and B she's probably in a state similar to mine where the child support is based on the time with each parent and the dad could have used that visit to manipulate the numbers and get a change to the order put in. I imagine she might've been concerned about his using the fact that the child needed hospital care while with mom to argue unfitness to parent. My state only recently fixed their system to allow for things like this because parents were getting caught in exactly this type of situation: allow a visit and lose a massive amount of income or force everyone to stick to the letter of the law. I hope this does end up in front of a judge wherever they are so there's pressure to fix it.
I get the sense that Shaaba is more of a firebrand than Jamie. Jamie seems like a very laid back, never get angry at anything lad. If something offends them, Shaaba is more likely to chew someone out and Jamie will send a strongly worded letter. Am I right?
Thank you for these videos, Shaaba! Even though the topics might be hard, or even triggering, I appreciate the calmness and compassion you bring into anything and everything.
As someone who had a chronic appendicitis I can say that they can be quiet trickery at times. There is still no proper word for what I had to my nolage and it was a very weird case. Please let your children see there parents as hospitalizations can be very scary. I had about 30 a year and I hated them
@@RenaRain so sorry that happene. I would be heading into surgery then an hour later their like “what if it’s not”. It’s a dumb problem cuz just cuz that’s not usually what happened doesn’t mean it is impossible whatsoever
As someone who used to live 3 flights up and ordered delivery regularly I never had a delivery person ask not to come to my door, so, unless the norm is different where they are, the driver shouldn't have tried to manipulate op into doing what she already communicated she wasn't going to do. Although I would definitely be checking those tamper evident stickers a lot of places use to make sure he didn't do anything to the food.
2nd one... question. Was there a waiting lane or parking in front of your building. If he has to circle the block to find a place to park, I could see why he was upset. If he was risking getting his car hit, ticketed or towed, I can see why he would want you to come down. You told him about being able to buzz him in, so, unless he couldn't leave his car for the above reasons, he's the a-hole.
The second one reminded me of my own experience with a Just Eat driver - I had clearly mentioned in the instructions that they can deliver the food at the reception coz that was the norm, repeated the same thing when they called, only to be yelled at for making them wait for the 2-3 minutes it took me to get from my apartment to the reception
For the delivery driver one, I'd say (as someone who works in food service) somewhere between ESH and NTA. We talk a lot about how this forum has a set language; someone doesn't have to be AN asshole to be THE asshole. She should've responded to his messages. Simple as that. She should've responded to his messages, making her one of THE assholes HOWEVER, his response shows that he is AN asshole
The gym one is weird because at my gym (also a small one) they frequently have personal training sessions or classes while other people are using equipment and it's never been a problem. Also I feel weird about the "that person is having a bad day" thing because on the one hand I often tell myself that when someone is mean, but on the other I would never in a million years yell and swear at a customer or spit on their shoe!
The first story: an easy NTA. 5:56 this story 2: it. Depends on where you live. In Germany, where I live is common to bring the food to your door, except there is no elevator, so you meet halfway. In Brazil due to security, You have to go downstairs, even living on the 23rd floor. I don’t know how it works in other countries. 11:29 This is very difficult because of the laws in the country they live in. In Germany it wouldn’t be a problem, and the mother wouldn’t lose her rights. But in Brazil, maybe. So it’s not an easy thing.
for the delivery one, i think the op is the AH. most delivery people leave food at the entrance with the security or ask the person to come down to pick it up. the speed at which they are pressured to deliver is insane so i think its just nicer to get it yourself. but the delivery driver is also so rude for shouting in the hallway. having a bad day doesnt justify shouting at someone like that. so basically ESH for the 2nd one
My parents isn't divorced, so i don't have a much to say about that. But i also had my appendix removed and thought it's gonna be a routine minor surgery. Ended up with liquid in abdomen, two more surgeries, several nights in intensive care and fallopian tube removal. I know this isn't normal, but no surgery is a "safe one". Nobody thought about this, but here i am, with ptsd and chronic pains. I wanted to see both of my parents next to me at the hospital, and I'm twenty two. I can't imagine how scared this boy was before his surgery. Glad he's okay.
For the first one, I live in an apartment in Los Angeles, and one time I went to the apartment pool and some douchy influencer was doing a photo shoot and looked upset that I was there.
To the last one, she is definitely the Ah. I remember that my dad definitely showed up when I was in the hospital. My parents were also divorced(and he died when I was about 10, but thats not really important here) and it was always nice to see him, especially when I was not feeling well. I fond out somewhat recently that he cheated on my mom as well, so that is definitely not an excuse for OP not to let him see his child.
On my delivery orders (lunch at work) I carefully specify where in the building my office is, and how to find it. I expect anyone who accepts the order, accepts responsibility to bring it up to me. Sometimes on the tracker I'll see that they're close, and go downstairs to meet them, but they should assume they're coming up. That is the job they accepted.
About the thing with the delivery driver: I live on the second floor, no lift. I NEVER go downstairs to pick up my deliveries because that would mean I'd have to actually lock my door. It doesn't always shut properly and I have two cats that can open doors, so I very much prefer to just stand in my doorway and hold the door. It would take a good deal longer for me to close and lock it and then start going downstairs - at that time, any delivery person has already reached the second floor. Plus, it's their job. Concerning the divorced parents and the child in hospital - I, as a child of divorce, too, ABSOLUTELY agree with you, Shaaba! After all, they are BOTH the kid's parents.
I am a deliver (is that what you call it!?) And the only thing that I find rude but isn't like that big of deal, is not meeting me half way when you live very high up without a lift. When there is a lift (that works!!!) I don't mind it's a tiny break for me xD
I had appendicitis at 18. It was distressing enough to deal with in my late teens, and I can't imagine how I would have dealt with it at age six and I don't like OP downplaying the surgery. I didn't have any complications but it was a painful and stressful experience. Not to mention that acute appendicitis is only "minor" in the context of modern medicine, it's still gangrenous tissue poisoning your body and that's dangerous. I also have a relative whose mother vindictively kept her from seeing our side of the family as much as she could, so OP being so possessive of her son when the dad doesn't seem to actually be any kind of threat raises major red flags for me.
Could we ever do a community aita video? I adore these videos and your advice and would really enjoy being able to have the community send in anonymous aita scenarios and be able to get your advice
For the last story, I always say that someone can be really bad in one sphere of their life, and still be awesome in another one. The dad was probably a shitty husband, but it doesn’t mean he was a bad dad. I for exemple, had an awesome grandfather. I learned later that he was a REALLY shitty father and husband. Some of is action were really abusive and I’m not excusing what he did in the past. But he was still the best grandpa to me. Someone can be a shity parent and be an extremely good colleague. You can be the best partner ever and the worst friend there is. Your “good” actions can’t excuse your “bad” actions. But if the dad didn’t do anything wrong to the kid, mom is AH a 100% here, just to get a sentiment of revenge and that is not ok to put that on her kid
I ordered food at work and I couldn't leave work and my delivery driver wouldn't come into my work place. I had to leave the door unlocked with a customer inside so he had access to the cash. I was mad
The last one is totally the AH, especially since appendicitis isn't just a minor thing; it can lead to the appendix bursting which can cause a serious infection that can literally kill people. OP is being so petty here
Doesn't matter how messy a break up is, the children come before egos and point scoring. Sometimes you have to be flexible and the father could have seen the child for an hour or two. imho the solicitor is the biggest arsehole here.
My parents were never married, split up when i was 5, my dad cheated on my mum multiple times, was forgetful and not the most involved parent, often didnt pay his child support as he should have, BUT he was not abusive or a bad person and my mum NEVER kept me from seeing him. They spent Christmas together every year for my sake and to this day get on really well. If you are an adult and you care about your child you seperate your own adult grievances from what is best for your child.
eh i disagree, as long as the person asks politely and accepts the no politely. At the end of the day asking someone for a small favor or being asked for a small favor is just a normal part of living in a human society
Maybe if the person was on the machines every day for an extended amount of time and not allowing others to use it…. But in a one off situation the person asking should simply have more patience. She was there first and using the gym equipment as anyone would. Imo the request is out of place.
My divorced parents had a similar arrangement where we lived with Mom but spent every other weekend at Dad's house. My parents weren't friends, but they had no problems having civil conversations and put their focus on our well being rather than their fight. Yes, there was a schedule, but adjusting it for special circumstances was never an issue, and neither was inviting both parents to something like a graduation. If I had been hospitalized, of course my mom would let my dad know and invite him to see me, espacially if I had been asking for him. When my dad was in the hospital (he's fine now), she brought us to see him without being asked. Regardless of the relationship the parents have with each other, the kid should come first.
I know I'm 4 weeks late but for that one with the divorced parents I actually give it a NAH The reason why is because the dad is wanting to check up on his son, but what everyone is completely overlooking is that the mom is following her lawyer's orders. It just happens that they are in a crappy situation and they are both just trying to do their best. The dad is worried about his child and the mom doesn't want to lose her child like the lawyer said could happen. I just feel really bad for the kid, to be honest.
I ended up being in the hospital for a whole month and having 2 surgeries for an appendicitis.. It can always go wrong and the kid deserved to see the father if it was what he wanted. The mom is the AH
Second one is ESH for me. I was YTA until the delivery driver started yelling. That is completely out of line. However, you live in a building, you don't even have to put on shoes to go down and get it. I would always meet delivery drivers outside, even when I lived on the ground floor.
that one time i had 2 chairs delivered to my flat on the first floor. the delivery guy carried one upstairs and i made it very clear how grateful i am (i'm disabled and would have struggled a lot) and he asked if i would like him to get the second one too. i asked politely if he could and he got really angry, saying that everyone is always like that. he brought the second chair up to my door anyway and i thanked him but he was still angry and stormed off. really bizarre that he offered when he really didn't wanna do that. i felt quite upset afterwards, i already feel like a burden a lot and i'm not great with confrontation.
Appendicitis is not 'routine' surgery, that's emergency (sometimes more than others) and like all surgeries can go very wrong, especially if the appendix bursts. The doctors tell you 'oh this is routine' so you don't panic and yeah they do them all the time, but that doesn't mean your child was 'never in any danger'. Your hurt feelings are not your son's fault and if you continue down this path you'll end up with a very resentful child. Would you feel even a little bad if something had gone wrong and you didn't allow your son to see the father he was asking for?
I am a delivery driver and what that guy did was so fucking weird and uncalled for, I get not wanting to walk around an apartment building you don't know the layout of it sucks but demanding the person you're delivering to come to the front and when that doesn't happen calling out their name while walking through the complex is insane.
3) Absolutely the A-hole. He's worried about his child, if the worst had happened and the child had wound up dying. All surgeries are risky, these things can happen. The father would've been devastated and would never have been able to see his child again. Also importantly, the child seeing the father, might perk him up a bit and being happy can absolutely help with recovery. Feeling good can help make you feel better.
I understand the delivery driver being pissed. He’s probably under pressure to do a delivery quickly so it would have helped him for you to go downstairs. Plus as a single woman I’d probably prefer them not to come to my own front door. You could’ve at least responded to their messages asking nicely for them to come up and that you’d tip. You’re tired but I bet he is too!
for the divorce one unknowing YTA i think the father should have been able to see the child when sick but i also understand the mom’s point of view and how she wanted to be careful with keeping custody especially since she probably doesn’t know that much about law. this really should have been sorted out in paperwork beforehand
1) NTA, if he wants the gym to be quiet, come back when no one's using it. It's an apartment complex, there will ALWAYS been hours when no one uses the gym.
2) NTA, as a former delivery driver myself, I once had a delivery order that was literally down the block from the restaurant. I walked it over instead of using my car, that's how close it was. The whole time, I was thinking to myself what a lazy piece of work to not just come get it yourself. Rung the doorbell, man who opened the door looked like he'd been up for eight days while his little girl was screaming and crying in the background. He may have been a block away but he NEEDED someone to come to him. Never judged another delivery again where people "could have got it themselves."
I'm really glad that was a learning/personal growth moment for you. Unfortunately, not everyone is so self-aware.
Glad to hear you learnt as a physically disabled person some times i couldn't go get food myself and most times i do want fast food i am capable of getting it but there was one week where my friends and i (all lived together at the time) had to order food in as we were in self isolation and i couldn't walk that week let alone cook
I've gotten delivery from a place that is extremely close before, because I was not in a mental place to leave the house. But the delivery person most likely wasn't able to tell that just from handing me my food. My point is: Even if you can't tell why someone couldn't have gotten their food (i.e. they are not visibly disabled or a single parent) people have circumstances that you can't know about (and honestly shouldn't). Maybe they just lost someone, maybe they have depression in general or maybe they just woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day. I think we could all do with being kinder and less judgemental towards each other, even if it can be hard as an overworked minimum wage worker who just wants to end their shift already :') (and I totally feel that)
As someone who almost died from getting my tonsils out, there’s no such thing as a minor surgery. Also, as a child of divorce, crappy spouse doesn’t mean crappy parent.
Tonsillectomies shouldn't be considered "minor" surgery anyways. There's a ton of vasculature around that area. There's also just the fact that no procedure or medication is without risk
Minor surgery does exist but wouldn't call tonsil surgery minor. I've had a small biopsy of a benignly cancerous mole on my breast. All they did was numb the area, hole punch out the mole, scrape the remaining cells and sew me up in like 15-20 minutes while I was fully conscious. That was still classified as surgery and I would definitely consider it pretty minor.
when I first read your comment I missed the "almost" lol
I feel like as long as it's a surgery where they don't keep you overnight in the hospital afterwards then it's fairly minor to moderate at most. Like I had a double mastectomy/top surgery and it was the easiest one I've ever done lol. But wether it's major or not it's still scary and it sucks.
@@oliverg6864 You had top surgery and left the same day??? They kept me for one night only, because I paid for everything myself (unusual here since I live in Germany) and staying in the hospital is expensive. Usually, they keep people for 5 days at least! I really wouldn't call a mastectomy minor, even though there's no inner organs involved. When I think of minor surgey, I think of things like, removing something from your skin. I'm not a surgeon though, and I'd be interested to know if there's actually a definition on what constitutes a minor surgery.
For the last one: she would be so pissed if kid went to the hospital on one of dad's weekends and dad did not let her visit. So yeah, definitely AH. Also, she better have told the kid that she didn't allow dad to come, rather than telling the kid that "dad doesn't want to come".
I was raised by my mom after a divorce and my father is an asshole who was not interested in seeing me. So to see this mother artificially creating a feeling of paternal abandonment makes me so angry.
Yes me too. My Dad wasnt interested in any of mine of my siblings major medical events, he barely managed to sign when it was required nevermind call or visit. To see this mum keeping a parent who wants to be there deliberatly away is so infuriating it's all my Mother wanted for us even after the rather ugly divorce and years long court battles, any chance of him seeing us at all nevermind how uncomfortable that made her was a good one in her books.
As a former divorce lawyer I’m agreeing 100% the last one is the AH. I would often have to tell clients that being a bad husband (eg cheating) doesn’t make them a bad parent. I appreciate there are feelings flying around in these situations but the child comes first without question.
Yea the only time being a bad partner could potentially make them a bad parent is abuse of any kind, because they've shown that no matter how much they're supposed to love you, they're willing to hurt you in some form and could very well do that to your child.
As a child of divorce and someone going through a divorce as we speak, I am on the fence here. If the mom truly fears that her ex could abscond with the kid I wouldn't be comfortable with him being around at all (minus court order visitation). She did mention that, so that's where I feel a little uneasy. Given what we've been told, if her lawyer advised he not be allowed to see the kid except during visitation, then she is well within her right to adhere to that council. I cannot judge whether or not the lawyers advice is legally sound, though.
@@nininoona Well, what OP said was that they didn't want the husband to use the hospital visit to "take [the son] away from me more than he already does" or to "get out of child support"; which has to refer to the existing custody arrangement. That reads, to me, as someone who just wants the kid to themself and wants the ex-husband to vanish so they doesn't have to deal with him again. I get that, especially since it was a very difficult divorce and the husband was disrespectful by cheating, etc.; but nothing gives an indication that the husband is a danger to the child (or a danger to OP beyond annoying them). Without evidence that the husband is a genuine danger, this just sounds like someone who is making visitation decisions based on what they want to get from their ex, not what is best for the child in question.
Maybe you can enlighten me, but I feel like the lawyer shares some blame here, for advising OP not to let her ex see their son outside of the custody arrangement. Is that normal advice? Is there an exception for medical emergencies?
@@alex_blue5802I agree (don’t have an answer, sorry). Why does “I saw him outside of custody time once, that means the custody agreement is bad” make sense? It seems like a rule set up to hurt the child, since in addition to medical emergencies I can imagine “Daddy can’t come to your birthday/ piano recital/ etc because it isn’t on his weekend” being really damaging to the son.
As a divorce child - if your sick kid is demanding to see the other parent, and the parent hasn't been abusive or anything, denying it makes you just plain cruel, and a bad parent. It sounds like the mom is using this to punish the father further, but the son is suffering for it, too, which is a major asshole move. Also, the kid is probably the first time in the hospital / being operated on and scared, how would he kow it's "not major", what difference does that make to a six year old??? Some grown-ass adults are deathly afraid of any type of surgery, and I can't blame them, any type of surgery bears a risk, that's why you sign so many papers beforehand (at least here in Germany). Not to mention that this whole experience must have been scary and painful before the hospital, when they were figuring out what's wrong. Poor little guy. He deserves a better mom.
honestly, just by the way she logics this incident, it tells me a lot about how she parents in other instances and i doubt this little kid will be happy with her in the long run
I couldn't agree with you more. Also child of divorce. My parents would *never* have pulled that nonsense! If the father isn't abusive, the child should be allowed to see him. The mother's hurt doesn't mean the child stops loving his dad.
I'm an adult. I had minor invasive surgery early this year and was absolutely terrified. Cried for the whole week preceeding it. I'm in Japan and had about 100 pages of paperwork to sign and fill out. I did not have my parents or support system with me (they don't live in Japan). I would have loved to see them. It would have helped so much. Poor child! How dare this mom pull this bs!!!
I am an adult and hospitals make me uncomfortable, so to minimise the experience of a 6 year old is crazy to me. As you said, it’s probably his first time (and even if it is not, maybe he remembers pain or something else unpleasant from a previous experience) and it is totally normally to want BOTH parents when one is a sick child. The mother is saying her son probably already forgot about it, but he may not. Maybe he will remember that his dad was not there when he was in hospital. Or that mom doesn’t want him to see dad. It’s not even about the father, it’s about the son being little and not feeling great, so he wants his dad around and to know he is there for him.
That hospitalized child should definitely have been able to see his dad. The ex-wife should have facilitated this get together. Children are NOT pawns, and so long as the dad isn’t unfit as a parent, the dad and child should have been allowed to see each other in the hospital.
I would be so upset if my mom acted like that, especially if I was so young. He's scared in the hospital and asking for his dad, and she said no?
2nd story: I used to deliver for Dominos. We were always told that we were not to go into apartment complexes as insurance would not cover us and we could be dismissed for risking it (it’s to protect us from getting attacked out of rescue’s reach). So for apartment buildings I would always request they come down to meet me. One customer I had was really nasty about it through the intercom, but I stuck my ground and a neighbour got it for her.
That being said, no reason for him to yell up the stairs like that. I used to just explain that I could get fired for it and therefore wouldn’t, no reason why he couldn’t have done the same.
I can absolutely understand that. And I always go down to meet the delivery, but I would WANT them to come up because in the delivery app I use, they ask you HOW THEY CAN GET INTO THE BUILDING, what floor you are on etc. So if the delivery personal doesn't want to/ should come up I think they should take that info away from the app because it's very confusing if I can add info so that the person CAN come up, but they don't wanna do that. Again, I totally understand that it's for safety issues
I wonder how that mom would have felt if the kid had gotten appendicitis on the dads weekend? Would she have been okay not visiting him in the hospital? What if she knew he was scared and asking for her? It seems like she probably would and it’s a unfair double standard.
As a delivery person the WORST thing is not being texted back. Sometimes you get lost, sometimes the customer entered the wrong address. Also, I’m a woman, and I too can feel unsafe in strange neighbourhoods at night and don’t wanna have to hang around for long periods of time. Would I yell at this person? no. But PLEASE answer your phone from delivery drivers… we’re people trying to do our jobs.
(I’m mostly reacting to the “I didn’t want to have to deal with that”. I’m not a “that”.)
Would add a small aside here- we do also have the option to call the customer. But it's his job to take it to her door, not to the lobby or the office or whatever.
They were calling his words a that, not him a that
Oooh that last one... "i Don't want him to take my son away from me, more than he already is.." first of all he's not just your child, the ex is not taking him away from you, the child belongs to both of you, the dad just wants to be there for his son. She says that the kid spends two weekends out of a month with him, thats 4 days out of 30\31, the dad barely has any time with the kid as is.
It doesnt matter what happened between you and your partner, once you have children, if he's a good dad its your responsibility as a mother to put your personal feelings aside, put your child's first and be a good parent.
What she needs is to talk to a psychologist not a lawyer. 100% assholle
I think that's a bit harsh. If he cheated on her and broke her heart, it's not hard to imagine that she feels like she's had the rug pulled from under her. She might live in fear that he will also then turn around and take her kid from her (if he has the bigger income, or has a new partner so can provide a more "family" environment).
That being said, I also think that she was the AH to not include him in the hospital visit.
It also sounds like the lawyer put that fear into her a little bit. So I do agree that outside advice might help.
@@JoRiver11I’m sorry but she needs to put her big girl pants on and think about her son in this situation. She is clearly bitter about the infidelity, but there is nothing indicating the ex is not a good father or that he is trying to get full custody. Maybe he would want more than 2 weekends out of the month, but why is that not fair as long as he can provide stability and a safe home for the son? Maybe it would also be nice for the child to see his father a bit more often. I’m not saying that is what needs to happen or that it is the father’s plan, just saying that parental custody should be in the interest of the child, not the wish of one parent against the other.
My parents went through one of the worst divorces I ever heard of. Almost every time they had to speak to each other it ended up in a screaming match. The only time that this didn't happen was when I was sick. There are two times that I can think of where I was in the hospital. The first time was a school event where they were both there and they sucked it up and got in the same car and drove me to the hospital. I don't speak to my dad any more and my mother refuses to acknowledge his existence, but I give them so much credit for being able to stfu and be there for me when I really needed it.
I feel like my life experience qualifies me to comment on the last recount.
My parents divorced a long time ago, but during my childhood would call each other immediately if anything happened to me or my sibling. The only time a lawyer was involved was during the divorce proceedings, and custody arrangements changed over time to reflect circumstances. No-one ever tried to "weasel" extra time. Mind you, my parents' marriage didn't end in cheating, so there wasn't much to be bitter about.
The fact that there are still two divorce lawyers involved in these coparents' lives is a red flag. It's hard to tell, from the post, whether the mother is being overly cautious or weaponising the child, or if perhaps her ex has tried to manipulate things to forcibly change the custody or monetary arrangements in the past. We haven't been given enough context to know for sure.
Generally, a father should be allowed to visit their child in hospital- but there are exceptions, and without knowing who is the reason lawyers are still involved, I feel that we really can't say if this father might be an exception to that rule.
This was my thought too, there just isn't enough information, but my heart breaks for the kid in the middle
As a delivery driver, I wouldn't yell at a client for not coming downstairs, but not responding to their texts intentionally is a bad move.
But also, when I've worked Instacart, etc. Etc. The timing can really eff you up. It's super rough because you don't necessarily choose to work gig economy jobs, & your time is your only asset.
You don't get paid hourly, so if its been a long day and going up stairs will add ten fifteen minutes, it really dips into your ability to afford food yourself.
I wouldn't have done what that driver did, but not responding to texts was an asshole mood.
ESH.
As a delivery driver myself I see problems with both people. First he was very unprofessional in the way he handled it, and I don't have a problem with her wanting it brought up to her
My problem is her ignoring the text. She should have at least let him know what she wanted him to do, we get paid by the delivery and get very annoyed have to wait for costumers who don't properly answer doors or text/phones. Time is money
Didn't she already tell him to ring the doorbell? I get that she could have repeated the message but it seems like he was also being passive-aggressive about it.
@@alex_blue5802 but if u don't specify and just ask someone to ring the dorebell can mean both... Like "ring the main entrance doorbell" or even "ring my door's doorbell", no?
Mans should find another job if a few steps send him into tantrum mode. Womp womp for him but there's a ton more things the driver can do with their life
I agree. From the story it didn't seem like she was very clear about whether she was coming to get the food or not. He responded very unprofessionally with the yelling, but I could see being annoyed about that.
I find that even when I state to ring my doorbell on the order, they don't. I think it is normal to expect any delivery to ring the doorbell. I'm also not glued to my phone, I don't think it's right to ignore the texts but also NTA for it
I'd argue the first person is probably a former people pleaser, cause they were so impressed with the situation and them saying no. For anyone that's a normal discussion, but for someone learning to set boundaries, that's a lot. At least that's my understanding aha
I'm a people pleaser so I felt that as well.
Also a child of divorce. I used to call my dad whenever I was upset with my mom, and it made her so mad she would not allow me to call him. I had to sneak the phone away. Parents are just people, and people are flawed. That last one is the AH, she needs to remember that her child's needs come first. And a 6 year old child can communicate their needs and should be heard.
I would think that refusing to let your hospitalized child see their other parent is a great way to get dragged back into court. What would she have done if it had happened on her ex's time? Unbelievable.
It’s heartbreaking the way a lot of parents try to weaponise their children in the divorce. Be an adult, put your feelings toward them aside and do what’s best for the child
I was that kid. According to my mom, I was a horrible daughter for not hating my dad. She DARVO’d me a lot, saying my continued positive relationship with my dad was far more heinous than the stuff she did to me. Other adults in my life sided with her, telling me to be more “reasonable.”
@@saraquill I’m sorry
That last one really hit hard. My parents got divorced when I was about 5 years old and it was anything but an amicable split. My parents would always be badmouthing each other to me and my older sister. However much a parent/parents are hurting, they seriously need to think about how their behaviour only ends up punishing the children. Some 45 years later, and the pain of those situations is always there.
I laughed about the "it's like asking a zoo to smell less". I work at a vet hospital. Specifically in the emergency/hospitalization area, which is literally the noisiest place in the whole building. Dogs are constantly barking, as expected. I have a boss that likes to go there to talk on the phone, despite him having his own private closed office, and then complains about the noise because he can't hear. Like boohoo, dog doing the barky and it annoys you? F****ing deal with it.
The child one, YTA. Even if it's a "routine surgery", hospitals are scary for a child, and he is most likely in pain or uncomfortable anyway, how common or easy the surgery is for the professionals has nothing to do with that. The child doesn't know surgery success rates or complications when he is experiencing that situation.
that man spitting on jamies shoe??? doesn’t matter Id be seeing red- like if it was my shoe I’d of let it go but someone I care about, Id be throwing hands. but honestly props to you for bot making a situation more complicated than it needed to be
I've never had to come downstairs for a delivery order - I'm paying for the delivery so that I don't have to leave my flat. The only exception was when I was partying with my friends on New Year's Eve, and the flat was in a closed residential, so we figured it'd be easier for us to come down then for the delivery guy to ring the number at least twice and then try to find the right block in the residential.
The delivery drivers actually enter your buildings to deliver into your actual door? That sounds crazy to me. Sounds so unsafe.
In my country we just go down to pick our food from the building door. Unless you live in a fancy place with a doorman, so they pick it for you.
Very, very normal in the UK. Food delivery (either Uber eats or supermarket) is pretty much always to the front door.
Same in Spain @@TheTvnutty @KarolYuuki
same in Italy @@TheTvnutty, super normal to have it delivered to your own front door.. and it was the same when I lived in Ireland too
I'm from Belgium and I would always go down as well... unless something is preventing me from going down, like a severe illness. in that case I woud explain it in my request (and probably leave a small tip as well)
From Finland, and at least the food delivery apps I use still have the option for "no-contact delivery" (delivery diver leaves your order next to the apartment door, rings the bell to let you know it's there, and leaves) that came to be during covid. As someone who doesn't enjoy a lot of social contact with strangers, it's been really great for me.
Last story: the only reason why a parent shouldn't be allowed to see their child in hospital is if the child's safety is in question. OP's (probably terrified) child wants their parents at their side to help them go through surgery and OP is worried about child support. Seems pretty cruel to me
Obviously standard procedures vary, but when I had my appendix out as a kid, I was in the hospital for less than 24 hours. So the kid being in the hospital for three makes me wonder exactly how routine the whole thing was.
Might have something to do with how young the kid is, might be his immune system just isn't great to begin with, might be that he's just tiny and fragile normally, might be that they didn't diagnose it until it was about to be deadly. I got appendicitis at about 4 or 5 years old, and I was in the hospital for over a week. But I had ALL of the above additional complications.
Offering perspective: I had my appendix out at 26 a couple years ago and I was kept in hospital for 4 days. I didn't have any complications but I couldn't stand straight or walk comfortable for the first 3 days. I think it may just come down to the specific procedure you had (mine was keyhole and my appendix was very upset at me) and how fast you heal as an individual or your condition? (I was going thru a lot of financial stress at the time)
In regard to the delivery scenario, I've had this with food but the worst was when I had broken my leg. I lived in a six floor walkup. I finally was able to use a cane instead of crutches. I ordered the cane, and the delivery person left it in the "lobby." I put lobby in quotation marks because it was just a hallway with first floor apts and the mail boxes. The building was not secure and packages were stolen all the time. I could not go down the six flights with my crutches and then, with my crutches, bring up the box with the cane in it. I was livid. Luckily, a kind neighbor brought it up for me. The stairs were steep and the building was not well maintained. But just leaving it down there felt like a slap from the universe when it had already slapped me hard with the breaking of my leg.
That last one hits way too close to home. being caught in the middle of a divorce battle, no matter how old the child, will absolutely leave scars. when I was around 6-8 (can't remember how old exactly, my memory around the time of my parent's divorce is super hazy) my mum stopped me from seeing my dad for a year. I was weaponised in a divorce battle and it hurt. being separated from your dad for so long can hurt a child so much. that period of my life has still left lasting effects today... and I still resent my mum for doing that to me. when op said something along the lines of their child has already forgotten about the situation... that touched a nerve. because although it seems like the kid has moved on, you have no idea what kind of effect that will have on them later on.
I'm not usually one to leave comments but that last story felt all to real for me 😭 I had to ramble a bit
With the last story, the mother needs to think about how she would of reacted if this happened on the dads custody time, she would have wanted to see her child
The last one with the custody and kid in the hospital, what if the situation was reversed? Kid got appendicitis on Dad's weekend. So that would mean Mom wasn't allowed to see him in the hospital because it was Dad's weekend??? That's ridiculous. I feel like OP is getting bad advice from the lawyer or taking away the most extreme interpretation of what he tells her.
I think the latter - weaponizing the lawyers advice in order to take out her hurt against ex and punish him for cheating on her/leaving her/whatever. I think it's not uncommon advice to be stringent on custody arrangement if you want to maintain them (whether that's because she wants to maintain full custody or because he's been aggressive in the past about increasing time/reducing support). But that stuff should go out the window during an emergency. And it would be shut down in court, most likely, if the dad tried to use a single emergency situation as grounds for rearrangement (barring neglect/abuse/etc). I really think she took standard advice and used it as a weapon. He cheated on her, he hurt her, he ruined their lives, so he doesn't get to see their son, and it's exactly as it should be to her - it's the consequences of his evil actions. That's why she's surprised when people don't take her side - she views it all through the frame of the dissolution of their marriage and he's the asshole there. So obvs, everything after is just desserts.
“So take my advice since I clearly don’t use it” haha I felt that deeply
I will be frank that I am not a child of divorce, but I can only imagine that if one parent was not allowing the other parent to visit me in the hospital when I’ve specifically requested it, I would be upset at them. It could majorly hurt the child’s trust in you to deny them something as simple as someone who could bring them a comfort in a time they’re likely terrified.
I'd forgotten that buildings in the UK start counting floors from the floor above the ground floor, unlike here in the US where we start counting from the ground floor, so I was temporarily very confused by the notion that the delivery driver had to go up the stairs to get to the first floor.
As a child of divorce (geez there are a lot of us in the comments, aren't there?) my dad weaponized me and kept me away from my mother any time he could.. He married a hardcore Xtian fundamentalist so he could show he had a "good family" then left her to raise me. Not because he thought she was better, but to get back at my mom. Even *I* could see that by the time I was 9 or 10. He's always been that way - he doesn't like kids, they're loud, unpredictable, and illogical.
I found out later that once, my mom had asked to borrow $10 so she could afford to keep me for her full month of summer custody (always the best time of the year for me). He said no, because of course he did. And he wasn't obligated to say yes. I went back to his/my stepmonster's house crying the whole way. I did this at the end of the "every other weekend" custody for years. My stepmonster blamed my mom, claiming she was saying something to upset me. She yelled at me for this supposed manipulation. My dad believed it, too. All mom said, when I begged her to let me live with her on each and every Sunday I was there was that she "wasn't ready." She didn't say it at the time but she have the money to raise me without child support, and was too scared of him for a court battle. I understand that now. We finally got it sorted out when I was a sophomore in HS and I asked my dad *directly* (without stepmonster) and said it was time that I lived with my mom. By then, the marriage he'd crafted to take me away was falling apart anyway, AND mom had remarried so he didn't have the "single mom" excuse to keep me with him. And of course he still had no desire to raise a child. So my stepmonster abused me especially badly for the last week I was there because it was her last chance, then sent my dad off to get a job hundreds of miles away and send her his whole paycheck. She was such an abusive bitch and he divorced her soon after.
I also thought mom had "kicked me out" as soon as I graduated High School because she didn't want me there. I resented her for that for YEARS. What I didn't know then was that I started school late bc I missed the age cutoff, so I was one of those weird HS kids who turned 18 halfway through senior year. And THE SECOND I turned 18, my dad cut off child support, knowing I was still in high school. To hurt my mom. Thanks, dad. Good to know you resent your ex-wife more than you love your child.
Similar story except mother had custody and was the abusive and manipulative one while dad was the one I never wanted to leave. I feel for you.
re Delivery Driver: The condo building I lived in had a rule where you HAD to go down to pick up deliveries. They did not want random delivery people having access to the whole building. That said, I think I did have them bring it up once or twice when something made it more challenging for me to go down.
The delivery Story: I think it's perfectly reasonable not to want to pick it up downstairs. Also depending on your situation, you might not feel safe to do that. If they come to your door and you get weird vibes, you could slam the door quickly. If you go downstairs, you usually wont be able to see them, before you open the door and if they try something, you cant really escape the situation.
The only thing I would add for the last story is that even if there has been partner abuse only, not child abuse, I would revise my thinking that OP is the AH. Witnessing abuse of one parent also does a lot of harm to children and post separation, many abusers begin to more directly harm their children either physically or psychologically. Having said that, that does not seem to be the case here. Cheating means someone sucks as a partner but they can still be a good parent. OP is the AH.
I was here to say that. A lot of the time an abusive ex can seem like the best dad in the world, the kids love them, everyone says how great they are at being a parent etc., but the whole while they're continually and deliberately telling the kid how the other parent is awful, how the other parent is the reason their family isn't together anymore, how the other parent spends all the money they give them, how the other parent is trying to stop them from seeing the kid, how the other parent is crazy, stupid, mean and a liar, etc, etc, etc.
This isn't as apparent as abuse, but can absolutely ruin the child's relationship with the non-abuser and even groom them into being the abuser's proxy in continuing the abuse against the other parent.
This idea that how someone is as a partner isn't at all linked to how they are as a parent is absolutely untrue. There are many ways in which you can be a bad partner and still be a good parent (imo cheating has no bearing on parenting), but there are also PLENTY of ways being the former means you can't be the latter.
For the delivery one, I used to work in the leasing office for an apartment complex. During the week, we had enough staff to take an actual lunch break without leaving the office unattended, but we took turns working alone on the weekend. Since we didn't have enough people, we would usually do a working lunch and just munch at the desk. I ordered lunch from a restaurant nearby. I left instructions for how to get to the office (there are two doors to our building, one at the bottom of the hill, which is not a short walk away, and one at the top of the hill that comes right to the office door). This driver parked at the bottom of the hill and would not drive the food the remaining couple hundred yards to actually bring it to me. I explained I was at work and could not leave the office, and he called me a lazy bitch.
For the last one:
I have divorced parents and all my mum’s siblings (who I am very close to) all have kids who are under the age of 10 and all are also children of divorce/separation, so I’ve also seen from the outside. I agree the mother is an AH. That child will not remember why he was in the hospital, what it was for, all he will remember is that his father wasn’t there for him. That relationship will most likely have some damage done because that child doesn’t understand custody or any of that. There’s something I’ve heard that I think applies well:
“Your child will not remember every play, party and event you attended, but they will remember the ones you didn’t”
That child has been taught that his father won’t be there for him when he needs it most, and it’s not even the father’s fault.
The mother is an AH.
gym environments can be weird - I know at my gym, only men have ever asked me (nicely, rudely, once or twice with frank intimidation attempts) to get off a piece of equipment. Maybe the person in this post has had a similar experience and has had enough.
Yea honestly I found that story really weird - like inconveniencing 7 other people by making it hard for them to hear is really the hill you want to die on? But I guess it makes sense if she saw it as a power move of allowing herself to take up space when she has spent so much of her life being silenced and people-pleasing. Still think it was an AHoley thing to do though.
@@gymnasticsgirlie0647I don’t think it is a weird hill to die on or that she was inconveniencing people. She was at the gym and doing what people at the gym do, without making additional noise, being loud or taking a lot of space. If anything, the 7 people were inconveniencing her by touring the gym and asking her to stop what she is doing. Maybe she was on a tight schedule or had a specific exercise routine she wants to do, which is fair. It would be different if the tour had been announced prior and she purposefully was in the way.
I’m going ESH for pizzagate. Uber Eats dude was rude af yelling in the hallway, but OP was being unreasonable to leave him standing at the door and ignoring his texts. And I’m not sure that “I’m not wearing shoes” is a great reason to not go down when it would’ve taken two minutes to put some on and go down the one flight of stairs to the front door.
I think the divorcee could have avoided the concerns by getting the ex-husband to write up an email saying he won't use this to weasel anything in court
"lets go dive in deep into some Aholes" I HAVE NOT STIFLED A LAUGH LIKE THIS IN SO LONG MY FACE IS ALL AAAA
I feel like the first one is a perfect example of Ask culture vs. Guess culture. Askers act on the assumption that anyone is free to ask anything, but also everyone is free to say no. Guessers act on the assumption that you should try to guess ahead of time what the answer will be, and only ask if there's a good chance the answer will be yes, otherwise you're putting the person on the spot. As a guesser, I'd be horrified to be in that situation, but it sounds like everyone handled it well. NAH.
Interesting! I've read a bit about Ask vs. Guess culture before but never really wrapped my head around it. The way you've explained it has made the most sense.
I guess in that particular scenario I relate more to the person (employee of the building?) leading an induction around the gym. I'm a public speaker/former actress and even though I've learned how to power through noisy distractions when I'm speaking to a group of people, it is incredibly draining and more exhausting to talk louder and remember what you were saying when there's competing noises. I don't go to a gym, so I couldn't say which machine would be louder to exercise on, but it sounds like the guy just needed a couple minutes of quiet to say his bit about the gym and move them on to the next room. Surely the gym-user remembers their own induction to the building and could be a little bit accommodating for a few minutes. I feel all they've really done is shown that building employee and their soon-to-be neighbours that they're not willing to compromise over something very small. I mean, if they want to be thought of as being slightly unreasonable by their future neighbours, that's probably all they've achieved.
As a divorced single mom of older 'children' (18 and 20), I can remember the complexities of the early years. Despite my concerns regarding my ex (there was never enough for me to "take" the kids from him, despite some safety concerns), I needed to wait until my kids (then 12 & 14) to finally decide to leave him to live with me full time. But, even when I was most concerned, the fact that my kids wanted to see their dad convinced me that I should allow that. It needed to be their call. (Law here takes kids opinions into account, especially at 12/14 years of age) It is a heartbreaking story, but I feel that parents should never use their child(ren) as pawns. It's not a game.
HOORAY!! It didn't feel like Monday without my weekly dose of "Shaaba AITA?"!!😊
Fun story, I had covid and had a food shop delivered. The driver said he couldn’t come into the building as he was due to have surgery the following week. I shouldn’t have left my flat as there were narrow communal corridors/ areas I had to walk through to get to the main front door. I ended up having to go out of my flat wearing a mask. That was a tricky situation.
He was due to have surgery, but driving deliveries whilst knowing that he shouldn't be climbing stairs?? That driver is both stupid and TA. If you can't do the job, you shouldn't be logging in.
@@animeartist888he may not have had a choice. If this takes place in a place with humain labour laws, maybe, but we don't know that
Hi! I’d just like to say: your hair looks great plaited! It reminds me of a mermaid’s tail
It does! I’ve always loved the pink too :D
“Dive deep in to some A-holes,” puts quite the picture in my head.😂
That last one riled me up. I've been in that woman's shoes. Still am. But going threw the separation, the divorce, and post-divorce, the thing that drives my decision is "Is this best for my children?" Sometimes you have to suck up your pride and hurt and be the better person because your kids deserve the best parent you can be. It sucks. It's painful. But your kids are more important that your pain and your pride. Suck it up, buttercup.
(If that doesn't work, put yourself in the other parent's shoes. This woman would have been furious if he had done it to her. And also it's not giving up time if she stayed in the room.)
On the last one, my parents didn't divorce but I was a child who was 'weaponized'. I get to work that out in therapy now. Kids tend to internalize this stuff as their fault and it leads to lasting repercussions. Always protect your child, but be careful to be a good co-parent when possible. It was certainly possible in that case unless a lot of context was omitted.
the only like potential way that the last story is not so clear cut is if the other woman might also be coming to the hospital *and* the child doesn’t want her there. i thought abt that a little bit since my mom has a boyfriend and while he’s cool, i wouldn’t rly want him in a hospital with me (at least at this point)
For the second one, I go downstairs to pick up deliveries because my building is very confusing. But lucky every app I use has options to say “leave at door” which I do if I am too sick to do the stairs, or I can put in the comment area “meet outside” which is what I normally do. I can’t believe the driver in the story was so rude about it.
"So take my advice because I clearly don't use it!" that's so funny! xD
My disabled ass wouldn't want to go all the way downstairs to get my order either, especially with no elevator!
That driver was so rude!
The word "lazy" is my least favorite word in the English language and it pushes my berserk button.
When I worked as a delivery driver, at one point we were told not to go into people's blacks of flats for safety/legality reasons and we should get things collected from the front door to the building. Sometimes I had to explain it to a customer, but they came down once they knew that was the case.
My ex-husband also cheated on me with his "mythological ex" with whom he's in a relationship now. There was more to it, and there was some emotional abuse following the divorce. But as a parent, my ex has always been amazing with our daughter, apart from some minor moments of irresponsibility. She loves him very much and the feeling is mutual. If my daughter was in the hospital and he wanted to see her, there would be no question. We are both her parents, we both love her more than anything, and our disagreements and gripes with each other should never affect her. As long as he's a good father, there is no reason in the world to keep him from seeing his child.
The divorce one is so much an example of why you have to put your relationship with your ex aside for the sake of your children; someone can be an absolutely shitty spouse, but a fantastic parent and your child deserves to have a relationship with both parents (obviously there are differences for cases involving abuse).
ALSO, in cases like this, your ex isn't "taking your child away from you" during their parenting time. You BOTH need time to parent and build a relationship with your child.
A she did ask the lawyer and B she's probably in a state similar to mine where the child support is based on the time with each parent and the dad could have used that visit to manipulate the numbers and get a change to the order put in. I imagine she might've been concerned about his using the fact that the child needed hospital care while with mom to argue unfitness to parent. My state only recently fixed their system to allow for things like this because parents were getting caught in exactly this type of situation: allow a visit and lose a massive amount of income or force everyone to stick to the letter of the law. I hope this does end up in front of a judge wherever they are so there's pressure to fix it.
I get the sense that Shaaba is more of a firebrand than Jamie. Jamie seems like a very laid back, never get angry at anything lad. If something offends them, Shaaba is more likely to chew someone out and Jamie will send a strongly worded letter. Am I right?
Thank you for these videos, Shaaba! Even though the topics might be hard, or even triggering, I appreciate the calmness and compassion you bring into anything and everything.
I started sweating when she said seventh floor, but then she said no lift, and we have one so ... yay?
As someone who had a chronic appendicitis I can say that they can be quiet trickery at times. There is still no proper word for what I had to my nolage and it was a very weird case. Please let your children see there parents as hospitalizations can be very scary. I had about 30 a year and I hated them
I also had chronic appendicitis. Doctors kept ignoring my complaints of abdominal pain until it turned acute.
@@RenaRain so sorry that happene. I would be heading into surgery then an hour later their like “what if it’s not”. It’s a dumb problem cuz just cuz that’s not usually what happened doesn’t mean it is impossible whatsoever
As someone who used to live 3 flights up and ordered delivery regularly I never had a delivery person ask not to come to my door, so, unless the norm is different where they are, the driver shouldn't have tried to manipulate op into doing what she already communicated she wasn't going to do. Although I would definitely be checking those tamper evident stickers a lot of places use to make sure he didn't do anything to the food.
I'd also be rating him a one star and complaining about his behavior to Uber. That is simply unacceptable, whether or not she answered repeated texts.
2nd one... question. Was there a waiting lane or parking in front of your building. If he has to circle the block to find a place to park, I could see why he was upset. If he was risking getting his car hit, ticketed or towed, I can see why he would want you to come down. You told him about being able to buzz him in, so, unless he couldn't leave his car for the above reasons, he's the a-hole.
Hi shaaba,
Been waiting for this. You brighten my morning (in New Zealand). Have a great day
The second one reminded me of my own experience with a Just Eat driver - I had clearly mentioned in the instructions that they can deliver the food at the reception coz that was the norm, repeated the same thing when they called, only to be yelled at for making them wait for the 2-3 minutes it took me to get from my apartment to the reception
My running group nicknamed me "Stomper" because I run so loudly. Putting me on the treadmill would *not* make the gym quieter! 😂
For the delivery driver one, I'd say (as someone who works in food service) somewhere between ESH and NTA. We talk a lot about how this forum has a set language; someone doesn't have to be AN asshole to be THE asshole. She should've responded to his messages. Simple as that. She should've responded to his messages, making her one of THE assholes HOWEVER, his response shows that he is AN asshole
The gym one is weird because at my gym (also a small one) they frequently have personal training sessions or classes while other people are using equipment and it's never been a problem.
Also I feel weird about the "that person is having a bad day" thing because on the one hand I often tell myself that when someone is mean, but on the other I would never in a million years yell and swear at a customer or spit on their shoe!
The first story: an easy NTA. 5:56 this story 2: it. Depends on where you live. In Germany, where I live is common to bring the food to your door, except there is no elevator, so you meet halfway. In Brazil due to security, You have to go downstairs, even living on the 23rd floor. I don’t know how it works in other countries. 11:29 This is very difficult because of the laws in the country they live in. In Germany it wouldn’t be a problem, and the mother wouldn’t lose her rights. But in Brazil, maybe. So it’s not an easy thing.
for the delivery one, i think the op is the AH. most delivery people leave food at the entrance with the security or ask the person to come down to pick it up. the speed at which they are pressured to deliver is insane so i think its just nicer to get it yourself. but the delivery driver is also so rude for shouting in the hallway. having a bad day doesnt justify shouting at someone like that. so basically ESH for the 2nd one
My parents isn't divorced, so i don't have a much to say about that. But i also had my appendix removed and thought it's gonna be a routine minor surgery. Ended up with liquid in abdomen, two more surgeries, several nights in intensive care and fallopian tube removal. I know this isn't normal, but no surgery is a "safe one". Nobody thought about this, but here i am, with ptsd and chronic pains.
I wanted to see both of my parents next to me at the hospital, and I'm twenty two. I can't imagine how scared this boy was before his surgery. Glad he's okay.
For the first one, I live in an apartment in Los Angeles, and one time I went to the apartment pool and some douchy influencer was doing a photo shoot and looked upset that I was there.
#1. Op nta. Literally the drivers job to deliver to my door.
To the last one, she is definitely the Ah. I remember that my dad definitely showed up when I was in the hospital. My parents were also divorced(and he died when I was about 10, but thats not really important here) and it was always nice to see him, especially when I was not feeling well. I fond out somewhat recently that he cheated on my mom as well, so that is definitely not an excuse for OP not to let him see his child.
On my delivery orders (lunch at work) I carefully specify where in the building my office is, and how to find it. I expect anyone who accepts the order, accepts responsibility to bring it up to me. Sometimes on the tracker I'll see that they're close, and go downstairs to meet them, but they should assume they're coming up. That is the job they accepted.
When I lived in a flat I had to go down because the door needed to be opened from the inside
About the thing with the delivery driver: I live on the second floor, no lift. I NEVER go downstairs to pick up my deliveries because that would mean I'd have to actually lock my door. It doesn't always shut properly and I have two cats that can open doors, so I very much prefer to just stand in my doorway and hold the door. It would take a good deal longer for me to close and lock it and then start going downstairs - at that time, any delivery person has already reached the second floor. Plus, it's their job. Concerning the divorced parents and the child in hospital - I, as a child of divorce, too, ABSOLUTELY agree with you, Shaaba! After all, they are BOTH the kid's parents.
I am a deliver (is that what you call it!?) And the only thing that I find rude but isn't like that big of deal, is not meeting me half way when you live very high up without a lift. When there is a lift (that works!!!) I don't mind it's a tiny break for me xD
I had appendicitis at 18. It was distressing enough to deal with in my late teens, and I can't imagine how I would have dealt with it at age six and I don't like OP downplaying the surgery. I didn't have any complications but it was a painful and stressful experience. Not to mention that acute appendicitis is only "minor" in the context of modern medicine, it's still gangrenous tissue poisoning your body and that's dangerous.
I also have a relative whose mother vindictively kept her from seeing our side of the family as much as she could, so OP being so possessive of her son when the dad doesn't seem to actually be any kind of threat raises major red flags for me.
Could we ever do a community aita video? I adore these videos and your advice and would really enjoy being able to have the community send in anonymous aita scenarios and be able to get your advice
For the last story, I always say that someone can be really bad in one sphere of their life, and still be awesome in another one. The dad was probably a shitty husband, but it doesn’t mean he was a bad dad.
I for exemple, had an awesome grandfather. I learned later that he was a REALLY shitty father and husband. Some of is action were really abusive and I’m not excusing what he did in the past. But he was still the best grandpa to me.
Someone can be a shity parent and be an extremely good colleague. You can be the best partner ever and the worst friend there is. Your “good” actions can’t excuse your “bad” actions. But if the dad didn’t do anything wrong to the kid, mom is AH a 100% here, just to get a sentiment of revenge and that is not ok to put that on her kid
I ordered food at work and I couldn't leave work and my delivery driver wouldn't come into my work place. I had to leave the door unlocked with a customer inside so he had access to the cash. I was mad
* grabs air refresher * just in case any a**holes bite...
The last one is totally the AH, especially since appendicitis isn't just a minor thing; it can lead to the appendix bursting which can cause a serious infection that can literally kill people. OP is being so petty here
Doesn't matter how messy a break up is, the children come before egos and point scoring.
Sometimes you have to be flexible and the father could have seen the child for an hour or two.
imho the solicitor is the biggest arsehole here.
My parents were never married, split up when i was 5, my dad cheated on my mum multiple times, was forgetful and not the most involved parent, often didnt pay his child support as he should have, BUT he was not abusive or a bad person and my mum NEVER kept me from seeing him. They spent Christmas together every year for my sake and to this day get on really well. If you are an adult and you care about your child you seperate your own adult grievances from what is best for your child.
It's an asshole move to ask someone to move to another gym machine and to workout quietly.
eh i disagree, as long as the person asks politely and accepts the no politely. At the end of the day asking someone for a small favor or being asked for a small favor is just a normal part of living in a human society
Maybe if the person was on the machines every day for an extended amount of time and not allowing others to use it…. But in a one off situation the person asking should simply have more patience. She was there first and using the gym equipment as anyone would. Imo the request is out of place.
My divorced parents had a similar arrangement where we lived with Mom but spent every other weekend at Dad's house. My parents weren't friends, but they had no problems having civil conversations and put their focus on our well being rather than their fight. Yes, there was a schedule, but adjusting it for special circumstances was never an issue, and neither was inviting both parents to something like a graduation. If I had been hospitalized, of course my mom would let my dad know and invite him to see me, espacially if I had been asking for him. When my dad was in the hospital (he's fine now), she brought us to see him without being asked.
Regardless of the relationship the parents have with each other, the kid should come first.
I know I'm 4 weeks late but for that one with the divorced parents I actually give it a NAH
The reason why is because the dad is wanting to check up on his son, but what everyone is completely overlooking is that the mom is following her lawyer's orders.
It just happens that they are in a crappy situation and they are both just trying to do their best. The dad is worried about his child and the mom doesn't want to lose her child like the lawyer said could happen. I just feel really bad for the kid, to be honest.
I ended up being in the hospital for a whole month and having 2 surgeries for an appendicitis.. It can always go wrong and the kid deserved to see the father if it was what he wanted. The mom is the AH
Second one is ESH for me. I was YTA until the delivery driver started yelling. That is completely out of line. However, you live in a building, you don't even have to put on shoes to go down and get it. I would always meet delivery drivers outside, even when I lived on the ground floor.
that one time i had 2 chairs delivered to my flat on the first floor. the delivery guy carried one upstairs and i made it very clear how grateful i am (i'm disabled and would have struggled a lot) and he asked if i would like him to get the second one too. i asked politely if he could and he got really angry, saying that everyone is always like that. he brought the second chair up to my door anyway and i thanked him but he was still angry and stormed off. really bizarre that he offered when he really didn't wanna do that. i felt quite upset afterwards, i already feel like a burden a lot and i'm not great with confrontation.
Eeeeeeee! New video just as I finished Jamie’s video!!! Lovely timing 🥰🥰🥰
Appendicitis is not 'routine' surgery, that's emergency (sometimes more than others) and like all surgeries can go very wrong, especially if the appendix bursts. The doctors tell you 'oh this is routine' so you don't panic and yeah they do them all the time, but that doesn't mean your child was 'never in any danger'. Your hurt feelings are not your son's fault and if you continue down this path you'll end up with a very resentful child. Would you feel even a little bad if something had gone wrong and you didn't allow your son to see the father he was asking for?
I am a delivery driver and what that guy did was so fucking weird and uncalled for, I get not wanting to walk around an apartment building you don't know the layout of it sucks but demanding the person you're delivering to come to the front and when that doesn't happen calling out their name while walking through the complex is insane.
3) Absolutely the A-hole. He's worried about his child, if the worst had happened and the child had wound up dying. All surgeries are risky, these things can happen. The father would've been devastated and would never have been able to see his child again.
Also importantly, the child seeing the father, might perk him up a bit and being happy can absolutely help with recovery. Feeling good can help make you feel better.
I'd say ESH for the pizza one, not for not going downstairs but for ignoring his messages.
I understand the delivery driver being pissed. He’s probably under pressure to do a delivery quickly so it would have helped him for you to go downstairs. Plus as a single woman I’d probably prefer them not to come to my own front door. You could’ve at least responded to their messages asking nicely for them to come up and that you’d tip. You’re tired but I bet he is too!
for the divorce one unknowing YTA i think the father should have been able to see the child when sick but i also understand the mom’s point of view and how she wanted to be careful with keeping custody especially since she probably doesn’t know that much about law. this really should have been sorted out in paperwork beforehand
1) NTA, if he wants the gym to be quiet, come back when no one's using it. It's an apartment complex, there will ALWAYS been hours when no one uses the gym.