Yes. If you tell me that you don't want a certain someone in the delivery room, I will make sure they're not there and I will gladly take the blame for you.
@sabihasayeed1670 , exactly. There's a "limit," or whatever. I'll gladly take "that bitch" title. I'll even say, "I'm sorry, but your negativity is not conducive to a healing environment. I can't let you stay." And don't try me. A hospital is private property, and I WILL have you escorted or arrested. I'm not the one.
Staff are so serious about that, they asked me if I wanted to exclude my husband, because they noted my bp went up while he was in the room. That was incredibly funny, my anxiety was peaking and he was calming me down, but they were very clear that part of their job was to protect me, so if I needed them to do so, they would.
The hospital staff kept my mom out of the delivery room. When she arrived and expressed an interest in coming in, they asked me first, and I said no. My mom had boundary issues and I just couldn't deal with that while giving birth. She made a big stink about "missing an opportunity to see a grandchild be born" but I'm sorry, she wasn't going to get free access to my body just because I'm her daughter. She'd always treated me like an extension of herself instead of a separate individual and I felt like she was objectifying me as a live birthing experience for her own gratification. Her hurt feelings were about her missing out on a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity instead of caring one iota about me or what I was going through. Like always. And, of course, once the opportunity came to babysit, she resented me for even asking. She loved the idea of being a grandmother, but it ended there. I'm eternally grateful to the hospital staff for protecting me during a very vulnerable moment. They are an invaluable firewall against toxic family.
like it’s not an asshole move to not say they speak greek, its just BIZARRE??? like if i was dating someone and i spoke their language that’d be like the first thing id tell them, like HEY I SPEAK THAT TOO
Not just speaks OP’s language, but speaks 13 of them. Like, I dunno, isn’t that a cool factoid about oneself to share? As you said, it’s not an asshole thing to keep it secret, but it is bizarre. Why wouldn’t this person want their partner of 6 months to know this about them?
It IS weird, but I don't think OP has the right to be MAD. Also personally for me I don't think that a 6 month relationship is that long. To some people it might be but I'm feeling a little bit like "get over yourself babe, so you don't know everything about this person after 6 months? Big deal" It's not like they've been together for 10 years and suddenly find out that their partner is a secret assassin or something
When I read AITA entries like the last one I just think... Do OP and her husband actually like each other? And I don't mean "have known each other for like 10 years and have never had another relationship" but actually LIKE each other. It's totally possible he's cheating, but they both sound incredibly immature.
When a minor gets into a relationship with another person, there's a high chance that the two people will grow up into completely different people that can't be with each other for a different reason. This is why a reasonable marriage age (IMO) would begin at 25 or 26.
Op kept insisting everything was fine but when you assume that the reason someone turns their location of is because they're cheating *(this can be reasonable if it's happening a LOT and they're not giving any communication or reasoning for it, but if it's something new then it could be as simple as wanting to get a surprise but not wanting your partner to realise or even a lot worse scenarios)* and blow up like that, it looks more like projecting which means something is wrong whether OP wanted to admit to it or not, or just hasn't yet realised it/can't accept it because of the type of relationship it is, also OP uses the fact that it's something new and recent as a reason for him not cheating, that's not a reason for someone to not be cheating, in fact that's how the first signs always happen, they start changing their ways slowly or start doing entirely new things and it can start quite soon into the cheating areas.
I think 6 months is a long time to never mention that you speak Greek to a native Greek speaker. It's just weird. Someone who speaks 13 languages fluently would presumably enjoy speaking in different languages. Why wouldn't she want to speak in Greek to her girlfriend? I think part of the story is missing; otherwise it doesn't make sense. (to me)
The girlfriend could have been shamed in the past for volunteering that information, some people will just don't mention stuff until it's relevant to the situation at hand
@@ShinyTillDawn it could be if it's dialects or similar groups of languages in clumps so basically speaks two or three distinct languages or something.
I would think she enjoys being able to eavesdrop without her knowing and doesn't want to give up on that. Honestly as someone who speaks multiple languages it's sometimes so interesting to be a fly on the wall. But it's not a healthy relationship for sure
As a polyglot (not 13 languages though, more like 4 lol), I understand not mentioning it in the first conversation (it can sound like you're bragging, even if it's not what you're on about). And it has happened to me that I, dunno, casually started reading Japanese (not fluent in it, still studying) and surprised someone. That being said, 6 months is a lot of time not to mention something that is probably a big part of your personality/culture/worldview. AND if I meet someone who speaks any of the foreign languages I speak, my first reaction is "OMG, I speak that too! I've been studying since blablablah". It's a cool thing to bond over. I do not understand why the girlfriend would hide that for so long, just sounds odd to me.
The reaction might be reflected also. OP has communicated that his behaviour is hurtful to OP, I wonder what concerns OP has lifted then which might result in conclusions drawn by huspand when roles are reversed...
Honestly it sounds like both of them are kind of immature and really need to get away from each other and grow up a little. I got married at 25, divorced at 35 because people change, y'all.
I'm with Shaaba on story two, it's either ESH or even a soft NAH, because it feels like a "should" scenario. The girlfriend should have been more vocal about the fact that she understood OP's language, but I don't think she hid that to be malicious. OP should have been less angry when finding out about this, but it's also understandable that she views the omission as a lie. And of course, neither can read the other's mind. Basically, I don't think anyone had any ill will, so this feels like it could be solved with a clear-the-air conversation where both calmly explain personal point of view.
Agreed. Something is sketchy with how OP has been phrasing things. It sounds to me like they're hiding something, or not telling the full story. As someone living in a foreign country and speaking multiple languages, I never have a private conversation where others can hear me, even if I know for a fact that no one else in the room speaks the language. It doesn't sound to me like she actually mentioned the privacy after the fact and wasn't shy of leaving her partner out of conversations by switching to Greek purposefully. It's selfish and rude. Sounds to me like OP is mad she can't shit talk Alexandra to her face anymore...
@@Nariasan If she was shittalking, wouldn't she have confronted her before though? Idk why we have to assume things about the OP there based on how you would act, its kinda gross.
@@Baasudeiyeah I definitely don’t think OP was using Greek as a code language to be rude about her girlfriend. Otherwise I’m sure that when girlfriend revealed she spoke Greek, it would have been in a more antagonistic way.
I have been the partner in this situation and didn't feel comfortable telling my new bf that I knew he was swearing or talking to his family. I felt it wasn't my place, swearing is obvious in most languages and those conversations with others were on the phone so I wouldn't mention I heard anything in any language. That's rude. It's a private conversation and I wasn't a part of them nor trying to listen in. We broke up because he was bad mouthing me infront of me to his friend and then lied when I called them out. I am guessing that is why OP is embarrassed and annoyed.
@@spaghetti1641 That's exactly what I was thinking. I've been in a multi-language relationship, and whereas I could understand the general idea of what my partner said in their native language, he could literally understand zero of mine. We'd usually speak English or their native language in our convos. I'd first: always use English, or translate what my family/friends said in front of my partner if they couldn't speak English (after all, I wouldn't like for a guest to be left out, and that's true in bsically any scenario); and, second: I'd also feel uncomfortable bringing to their attention that I could listen to their sensitive conversation on the phone which I knew they wanted to be private about. I might mention it in SOME way (like: "would you like to talk about that?" or "are you OK?") after one such conversation, which I feel would have shown I could get the gist of it, but nothing more than that. So, imo, both are a bit at fault here, but mostly OP for the weird overreaction. I always felt thrilled to find out someone speaks my language, and I've always avoided trash-talking in it for the sake of 'privacy' -- that's usually when you find out someone around you can understand everything! LOL But I DO think it's a bit strange that the partner didn't share the fact that she speaks Greek for other reasons, right at the beginning of the relationship -- if I met someone an started going out and they told me "oh, I'm originally from X country" and I knew their language, I'd at the very least mention excitedly that I'm interested in the language and have been self-studying for some time, and ask if it's OK for us to practice it together sometimes.
RE #3: I love how people will say the most heinous things about their partner/relationship, but then when people respond proportionally they get super defensive and say like, “you don’t understand we’ve been together forever and love each other!!” Like girlie we are going off of what *you* said about your relationship, so if that’s wrong perhaps you need to stop trash talking your partner and instead focus your energy on healing yourself/the relationship. I think people who talk about their partners in this way are just looking for sympathy/attention and not necessarily advice, though.
It’s guilt + the sunk cost fallacy. You feel you’ve spent so many years trying to make it work, that you can’t let go because those years will feel wasted, when in reality you are just wasting more years. It’s hard to leave, but she’s showing all the signs that it’s time to cut her losses.
Sometimes even when people act like you're crazy when you bring up something wrong with their relationship and it doesn't feel like a healthy one. It still gives them an external perspective on what's going on and maybe later on they will actually act on it. I've watched this play out in Real Life in a very similar type situation with a college friend of mine whose long-term partner was no longer a healthy relationship partner.
Had a friend that did that sort of thing. The only good thing he ever said about her was that they had intimate relations (not even that it was good, just that she would have them at all). And I pointed it out to him one day, honestly concerned that he was in an unhealthy relationship. He got defensive and upset, but when I asked him to tell me some good things she did, he couldn't think of anything. Like, I'm sorry you got offended bro, but maybe you need to take a step back and honestly think about whether this relationship is really what you want or not. Later, after she suddenly left him due to family issues, he admitted to me that he only got so upset with me because I was the fifth friend to say that to him. Dunno why it still didn't get through to him then though ahahaha
For the last story. I feel sorry for how there are people who prefer to cling to a relationship where there is no longer affection or respect for the other, just because they have been together for a long time and feel that separation is the same as failure. Although repeating certain attitudes helps others to realize their behaviors, in this case that is not serving, it only makes the relationship more toxic. Also, I'm 90% sure he's cheating on her. If, after a weekend without knowing where she is, he already accuses her of being unfaithful, and then repeats it when she talks to another man, surely he is projecting himself.
I think the "complaining to women co-workers about the relationship" thing is a problem because it's a common tactic to try and set up an affair. You build a rapport with a woman you know, you let her know how unhappy you are in your marriage, and THEN you start in with "you understand me way better than my wife does...". It compares the new woman favourably to the wife, and makes it clear he's looking for a more fulfilling relationship. There was a news article about sexual harassment in parliament the other day that actually brought this up, actually, where the woman interviewed said that male co-workers kept telling her all their marriage woes in this kind of way. It's different than a man just venting his spleen to a friend, is what I'm trying to say.
first story: Um, wtf hospital staff. It's your job to not let unwanted people into that delivery room. And it's rich of the MIL to accuse OP of being controlling.
@@sleepingroses761almost certainly this. As much as she seems very frustrated in the post, at first she might have treated MIL politely. Or even if not, families can have disagreements without hospital staff needing to chuck people out. It depends on what the patient wants. Hospital staff are not mind-readers.
Mirroring an asshole’s behavior won’t teach them anything. I tried to meet fire with fire with my mom most of my life. It doesn’t work. She doesn’t get that I’m mirroring her. Get counseling and if they won’t do that, disengage. They can deal with being alone.
he would've been 18. which doesn't sound like a huge age gap now but the difference between 16 and 18 is very significant. year 12 and "could reasonably be at uni or in a job". just a small, regular yike.
Also, 50% of marriages between folks who aren't old enough to drink in the US fail, so those two people shouldn't have been married in the first place.
@@Mesanin3 Okay, maybe it's just because of how the culture is where I live (VIC, AUS, 16yr's can work and start getting their driver's licence) or the fact that in year 12 I had one friend who was 18 and another who was 16 at the same time that I was 17, both in my graduating class, because one was pushed up and one held down a grade because of their birthdays.... but I really don't think that 16 and 18 is inherently a "huge" age gap? Key word there being 'inherently'. Situational context would definitely matter in a case like that. So, "small, regular yike" is pretty apt, yeah.
@@ShinyTillDawn I also heard that partners will sometimes 'act out' before and during cheating to sour the relationship so they can use the 'sour relationship' as a way to (try and) justify the cheating (as in 'since I'm not getting love here I can seek it from somewhere else' type thing).
for that first story, I think it's importnat to keep in mind that even though everyone on MIL's side of the family is demanding an apology from OP, we don't know what they were told. Manipulators often take advantage of being the first one to tell their side of the story. Just explaining your side can often have a much bigger impact than you might think. Big money down on MIL lying through her teeth about what happened in that hospital room.
That one about the language is so tricky, but I know I couldn't give a verdict because I'm biased. My whole family is pretty much white as driven snow. However, my grandfather is fluent in Vietnamese, I speak Spanish, and my little sister speaks Japanese and all three of us have had some instance of people deliberately speaking their native language in our presence to conceal relevant information from us at some point or another. A particularly frustrating instance of this was when I worked in animal rescue and we were in the process of explaining to a family that we couldn't adopt a kitten to them because they planned on allowing it to be indoor-outdoor, which rescue policy did not permit due to dangerous, copious local wildlife and intense traffic. The family immediately proceeded to begin discussing amongst themselves (in Spanish) how they would wait a couple weeks, assuming we would not remember them, come in a different version of the group so it would be harder to recognize them, and say that they would keep the cat indoors when they applied again.
Hearing the reaction to Story #3 has made me sick to my stomach, this is exactly how my DV situation started. My ex was great at first, so romantic and affectionate, but once he moved in it all changed. He started making "jokes" that sniped about my appearance, and talking about how he might need to date other women if I didn't work on myself. Then the pandemic hit and I was totally isolated, I didn't see my family for two years b/c he made the decision that his family was "safer" to see since they were local. Once I started to meet his friends they treated me strangely, giving me odd looks, not responding to comments or jokes I made, and one incident where a friend begged me to let him stay later at a party where I was leaving early since I had work the next day. I was confused b/c I had to ask my ex's permission to shower, why did this woman think I controlled where he could go? Because he'd been complaining about me to them, saying I was controlling and crazy all while he was intimidating and controlling me at home behind closed doors. The cheating really broke me, he used it to make me try harder for his love and submit even more to his control. Cheating is a red flag for abuse, look at any reputable resource and they will tell you, not all cheaters are beaters but all beaters are cheaters. This was not me being crazy and jealous, this was him manipulating me into feeling like I wasn't good enough for him so I would stay. If your partner is badmouthing you to other people (and she used the word "complain about our relationship", not "seek advice" or "talk about") and cheating YOU NEED TO RUN! This is why people don't leave abuse situations, b/c the people around them talk about them needing to work on themselves and be a better partner all while the abuser is running circles around everyone. This woman is retaliating b/c she still thinks she can fix him. If someone treats you with this much disrespect, and violates your boundaries (it doesn't matter what you're okay with Shaaba, if she's not okay with the twerking videos and turning off location than that's her boundary and he's repeatedly violating it) get away from them, it only gets worse.
My thoughts exactly. The issue here probably is that those who aren't familiar with abusive relationships don't think about that and comment on the issue as if they were talking about two people managing a normal relationship badly.
2nd story: I was told by multiple people that girls don't break up when I was asking for advice on getting out of a relationship I didn't feel comfortable with. I can understand why op is trying to get out by manipulating her husband into "properly" ending the relationship, because she, as a woman can't do it. (I never agreed to this rule, but breaking up is pretty difficult when practically everyone around you is "helping" you to save your relationship. Especially when it's deemed necessary for your mental health)
3) ESH. You need a counselor. Both of you are extremely concerned about fidelity for a supposedly serious 8-year long relationship. Don't say you weren't worried about him cheating either. Just cause you didn't say the words, there is no other reason for a boys night out, a female friend at work or a twerking video to get you to be so pissed off at the man you married on purpose that you needed "revenge."
Ok, hear me out - my husband and I are together for 5 years. Neither of us is controlling and we trust each other. He goes to music festivals with friends (I hate every part of a music festival experiance), I spend time with my male an friends from academia and work (he would be bored to tears listening to us talking shop). And it's good, it's healthy. But I can't imagine ghosting him for a day. A whole weekend? Bro. I love him, I miss him when we are apart, I want to show him the cute bird I saw or share a joke. And he is the same. If they are ok not talking or texting or anything for the whole weekend then maybe there's not a lot of a relationship left.
Same. My fiancé and I have separate groups of friends and quite different hobbies, and my family also lives in a different country so we spend regular time apart, but I cannot imagine purposefully not talking to him for a whole day. Even if it’s a 3 minute conversation, I want to know how his day was and say goodnight when we are apart, or at least send him a text with some random thought, a photo of the cat or a funny meme I think he will like.
for the 2nd one, I don't think the partner is a asshole because she never told her that she spoke Greek. if I overheard my partner talking to someone about something serious, I would do my best to mind my own business and it also sounds like a terrible time to be like "hey I know Greek too!"
I agree EXCEPT for if the girlfriend knew that the mother didn't want anybody else to know about it, cause then I would pull my partner aside and be like "hey, I just want you to know that I also speak Greek so if you want to discuss things with your mom, I can make sure to leave the room/you should leave the room"
I agree. Even if the partner did not know that the mother didn’t want that specific information shared, it’s not hard to guess when a conversation is private and to not immediately be like “by the way I understand everything”. Also, how often did OP speak Greek to her mom in front of Alex? Maybe once or twice (as they are have only been together 6 months, do not live together and OP says it has mainly been in the car) so Alex could very well have thought it was not the moment to bring it up, yet with the cousin meeting that was a good moment. Also, never assume that people will not understand if you want the conversation to be private. I do not speak Spanish but I can understand a fair amount because I speak French, which is also a Latin language. I also speak two Germanic languages so I can at times understand the general meanings of other Germanic languages even if I do not speak them. If you do not want people to understand, do not have the conversation in front of them.
Except that the OP specifically told her girlfriend it was a confidential conversation, at which point the girlfriend should have fessed up to speaking Greek and understanding said confidential conversation.
@@carr0760 my previous comment was based on the assumption that OP did not mention at the time of the conversation that it was private, but I listened again and now I am not sure. If OP did mentioned from the onset the sensitivity of the conversation, I agree that Alexandra should have mentioned that she understands. Having said that, I wouldn’t assume that Alex lied by omission or had sneaky intention. She could have interpreted the private conversation comment as “don’t share the info with other because this is private but I feel comfortable speaking in front of you because I know I can trust you” and not necessarily that she herself is not supposed to know / understand.
If I was fluent in a language and I heard it from someone I was dating I'd defs try to talk back and forth in that language. I don't know how much is just me liking the extra connection but like we could totes talk about stuff in different ways. I dunno. It'd be fuuuun. Why wait months to mention? It's just an odd choice.
I honestly thought Shaaba's hair was a pink fur collar when I first started watching and now my brain cannot unsee it as such! I was just here thinking, "That is such a cute and unique shirt! Oh wait, it's her hair, duh!" Not related to any of the stories, but I find it funny!
9:54 this one reeks of missing information. OP never said that her conversations with her mom were private, so I don't think the girlfriend was obligated to disclose. I don't normally say this but I think OP is hiding something.
in the edit 7:57 OP added that she told her girlfriend that it was a convo about her mom's health issues and that that was private. Not that I don't think OP is still sketchy.
@@rosieg6989 I read it as she told her partner that to explain why she was speaking Greek to her mom, so Alex wouldn't feel left out or ignored, before she found out that Alex also speaks Greek.
@@rosieg6989no... She had a phone call with her mom in Greek and then told her girlfriend that her mom didn't speak English but that it was also a private conversation that mom didn't want anyone to know about. At that exact moment, the girlfriend had a moral obligation to fess up that she understood the conversation.
@@carr0760she might have misunderstood though, and thought “private” meant she wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, as opposed to wasn’t supposed to hear at all. There is a lot of nuance we can’t tell from the post. It’s simply unfortunate. Also, I feel we should always assume others know our languages when it comes to private matters, just in case, but that’s just me. I’ve had people speak other languages around me to be private, without realizing I know a lot of languages, and it’s hard to interrupt and say “ummm, are you trying to be private? Bc it’s not working” since that is awkward and I’m kind of shy. Especially if it’s infrequent or a one off event.
For the second one, it’s a bit weird that OP’s GF never mentioned her language hobby until now, and should have mentioned she’d learned Greek, but OP’s reaction also seems too much. #3, good gravy Marie!! Those two kids met too young and married too young. I suspect the husband is a cheating hypocrite, but OP also sounds really immature. Finally, my husband and I are sitting here going “people use location services to track their partner?”. We don’t know where the other one is at any given time! (I mean, we basically do, because we trust each other).
I feel like for the Greek speaking couple, it is more complicated than one person being an A-hole. They definitely need to talk with each other and learn what the other's intentions were. I feel like if someone is having a sensitive conversation, and has not invited you to join, it is reasonable to try to respect their privacy and disregard anything you might overhear. That being said, if this is reoccurring, informing them that they are not as discreet as they might hope would be respectful. But being in a relationship with someone you know would probably be thrilled to hear that you speak another language that they also speak, why wouldn't you share that sooner?
First story: some family members thought, my dad was controlling my mom too much ("making" her move out to study). Some family members thought, he didn't control her enough. (by not hiring house staff). The rest would support the couple and enjoy the time with the kids (my 3 siblings and I)
Regarding the 2nd story, OP did mention that she's worked with the girlfriend for several years prior to their starting to date. A part of me wonders if the polyglot GF thought that her partner was already aware of her ability to speak several languages and it just never occurred to her that she needed to say that out loud. I don't think the GF was deliberating keeping the fact that she speaks Greek as a secret, and when she did join into the conversation, that may have been the first time that she felt comfortable enough to let OP know without it being an awkward situation. Unfortunately, it still turned into an awkward situation.
I'm with you on the Greek one. If OP had not told her girlfriend that it was a confidential conversation then I would say YTA, but as soon as she told her girlfriend it was confidential, the girlfriend had a moral obligation to let her know that she was fluent in Greek and had understood everything. However, I think where the difference might be for the commenters is that the OP clarified in an edit that she had made her girlfriend aware of the privacy factor and people may have made their verdicts before that edit came in.
As a deeply awkward person, I can imagine being the fluent partner and not wanting to mention it right away because it can be seen as showing off, and then feeling too awkward to mention it after hearing something I shouldn't. I'd try to avoid hearing more, and if the conversations happened in the car a lot like was mentioned, I'd be internally agonizing the whole time over what I should do and how I can tell them and desperately wishing I could take back hearing anything so they could learn about the languages I know in a way that won't be stressful. Not the best way to handle things for sure, but her motives might not be nefarious
As someone who does speak multiple languages - it is usually the first thing that i share (not the last) when encountering someone who speaks any one of them. Especially because i think its a great way to connect. I just can't imagine never addressing the fact that i understand them (even while just being just acquainted, but especially when getting to know them better) that's just strange to me
My comment is about the last instance. Too many times I have said to my son "how would you feel if I talked to you that way?" or "how would you feel if I treated you that way or did that to you?" and his standard answer is always "I don't know, I've never experienced that." It might be an immature answer, one that lacks empathy and insight, but sometimes it is the only answer someone has to give. I'm not sure I understand why the OP is in the wrong for teaching the husband what his actions feel like. If someone I have treated with respect treats me without respect, I am far less likely to treat them with respect going forward. How is that not exactly the way people learn how it feels?
Yeah I agree with 2 that ESH. I can’t see why the fact she understood her GF speaking Greek didn’t come up for 6 months, let alone the fact she speaks 13 languages! I speak 4 languages and usually drop it into conversation all the time because it’s such a big interest of mine. This seems like the GF was keeping something from her deliberately, but also agree that OP was being a bit suss too
The second one...we need more information. Like, I don't always tell people I understand Spanish - though if they do start speaking it in front of me I will often laugh at a joke or put in a few words to indicate that I understand, so if the girlfriend managed not to do that in 6 months, that's a bit weird. On the other hand, saying sensitive things just ASSUMING other people don't understand, and then getting mad that your girlfriend has this amazing polyglot talent is also a bit weird.
I agree with you that some information or context is missing. Also, how often did the private conversations with mom happen? They have only been together 6 months and do not live together, so there were maybe only one or two conversations with mom. It doesn’t sound like the girlfriend was constantly listening to their conversations on the sly and spying. You cannot just assume someone will not understand, if it is sensitive information. If someone has a conversation in front of me, I assume they are okay with me hearing it. My sister in law is Japanese and sometimes will speak Japanese to her children in front of me, I never think it is to exclude me, but I also can guess from the tone of voice and body language of either party if the kids are being scolded or it’s otherwise not a fully positive conversation. If it is a private conversation, have it in private. I don’t think either person is at fault here. I think it is just one of those things about getting to know each other better and better at the beginning of a relationship and having some oops moments in the process.
I agree, I speak to my family in Maltese and feel like I can tell them anything in front of my friend cos he doesn't understand my language so yea I would also be annoyed if he now tells me he is fluent in my language! And I have never shared that I am talking privately in front of him nor have I ever said anything that is really a secret, I can fully understand how angry she must feel that her partner didn't let her know that she could understand her private conversations... not to mention the fact that she had to speak to her partner in a foreign language when in fact she could use her birth language!
I don't think anyone is an asshole. But I do think the gf should have told her when she was talking to her mom, or at the very least been like "oh, wow, I never though about that, I'm sorry," when OP told her about her mom's health.
Yeah, I don't like when people try to use their languages as a secret code. However, it does put me in a position as a linguist that can be quite entertaining sometimes when people don't realise I speak their language. But yeah. Just as a general rule, don't say things that you wouldn't say to people's face - and if something is a private conversation, have it in private.
13:07 This relationship should be on it's way to the bin for a long while And yeah, all this talk about "oh, we still love each other" doesn't sound like a deep love, it sounds like a sunk cost fallacy.
the third story for me gives heavy ESH vibes - fighting fire with fire is never the way to go! marriage counselling or long sit-down conversations would be more beneficial than simple pettiness
I don't agree. You should always treat others the way you were treated - that's what we've been taught in school at a young age. Fighting fire with fire in this case makes it impossible for the husband to deny that his actions hurt his wife's feelings while long conversations could be easily avoided or filled with lies/denial.
@@ShinyTillDawn , I don’t know. I’m aromantic, so maybe I don’t understand. I just wouldn’t want to live with someone who I needed to behave badly toward to get them to believe me when I say something. That’s just not something I would want to do
9:00 for the second post if you overhear a conversation that is private and they're speaking the country's official language you wouldn't bring it up until the person decides to bring it up on their own accord, so why is it different when it's a different language? I'd feel awkward telling a friend, let alone my partner, something along the lines of btw I speak greek too after I overheard her talking to her mother about health issues or frustrated cursing herself. The interaction with the cousin was the best moment to let that be known, imo
I was married to someone who spoke a different language with their mom. Even when I was in the room with them. I never found it odd or disrespectful, but I guess it kinda was. After a few years of listening to it, I started to understand the language and at one point just responded to something the mom said in my own language and both her and my partner were somehow shocked. You wouldn't interrupt private conversations even if you speak the language. Maybe you'd even feel embarrassed speaking it in front of a native speaker and never even bring it up because you're embarrassed. But in a more casual setting, you may feel more comfortable speaking the language without being judged 🤷♀️
I definitely agree with Shaaba that ESH in story 2. Definitely if I found out my SO spoke my language, I'd be ecstatic and I do agree that, unless OP was clear that what her mother has been going through is private, she acting a bit like she was caught doing something wrong. However, six months is also a long time to go without telling your partner that you speak their language
I kinda understand where the girlfriend who learned greek is coming from. 1. how fluent is fluent. there is a big difference between having basic conversations in an language and being able to decode native slang and technical medical terms. If she was like a A2 B1 she could have a convo about normal things but may not have understood when her GF was talking to the mom on the phone. (I can watch TV shows in spanish but overhearing convos on the subway is too hard) 2. Its really hard to get the nerves up to speak to someone in a language you have been studying! think of trying to have a normal convo with a toddler and people getting annoyed with the toddler doesn't understand or messes things up! Thats what it feels like when you're just starting out in a new language. 3. if the gf has been studying languages it could just be a thing she does sometimes and if she isn't interested in it now it doesn't come up!
Re: the language post, this is one my spouse and I disagreed about, and it led to an interesting discussion. We also both have different takes than you (Shaaba). For background, I grew up only speaking English (surrounded by others who also spoke just Engilsh), but learned Mandarin as an adult. My spouse grew up in Malaysia, where most people speak multiple languages (he speaks six), and it's very common to use more than one language in the same conversation (or even the same sentence). My take on this is that six months is a very long time for the gf to not let OP know she could understand all those conversations in Greek. I don't think OP was trying to hide anything - that's one point where I think you're likely wrong. For someone fluent in multiple languages, cursing in another language often comes naturally and is not an indicator of trying to hide what one is saying. My spouse, for example, frequently curses in languages I don't understand. He's not hiding anything - it's how he learned to curse, and what comes naturally to him. Neither do I think the phone conversations were an attempt to hide things from the gf. OP mentioned her mom doesn't speak English, so it makes sense Greek would be the language spoken during those calls. Heck, my spouse's parents both speak at least some English, but he frequently switches to other languages when speaking with them, because that's how they are accustomed to communicating with each other. I think it's perfectly reasonable for OP to have assumed her gf didn't understand Greek, especially after so long. Personally, I would assume if I spoke another language around someone I was dating and they didn't say "Oh, I speak that too!" that they did not speak that language. Add to this that the topic of discussion between OP and her mom was often about medical and/or private issues, and I get why OP is upset. So, my take is that there's really no reason the gf would have kept this from OP *other* than to spy on conversations OP was having with her family. And that's not cool. That said, my spouse added one more reason. Humility. As I said, he speaks six languages. But he's an incredibly humble guy who would hate to sound like he's bragging. He said he could see himself being in a relationship for six months and not telling the person he's dating that he speaks six languages. He did say that he personally would let his dating partner know if he heard them speaking another language he understood (just out of courtesy, if nothing else), but he emphasized that that's only what *he* would do. He still thinks it's possible the gf didn't mean anything negative by leaving OP in the dark. In the end, this is something my spouse and I agreed to disagree on. I just found it interesting that he - with his vastly different background in terms of exposure to more languages - has such a different response to this than I did. So maybe there's a bit of a cultural divide happening between OP and her gf as well. Who knows?
How on earth is it possible to date somebody for 6 months and not realise you have a language/culture in common?! That is insane.. Like that would be found out on the 2nd date in any normal interaction
For the language one, how do you just not mention that you speak 13 LANGUAGES?? In 6 months nothing about languages has come up?? The second my partner even told me I was greek, I would have been like that's awesome, I speak greek too. That's fishy to me tbh lol.
Wow! Your perspectives are so balanced. For the second one: when I first read it, I intentionally thought the partner was in the wrong, bc it was like she was hiding something. But I talked with my friend about it and they said they translate and don't have private conversations with me in the room even If I don't know what they're saying. I wouldn't mind personally, which is why I couldn't see the problem in talking to their mother in Greek privately in front of the partner. Its interesting hearing a middle ground bc reddit can be extreme in only one side
#1: I was so lucky to be a part of naming my best friend's twins, we gave the two suggestions and they where picked, my lovely friend have an extremely controlling mother in law - she is the reason they got married and got children - she made my friend dress "more adult" and cut off her emo/alternative part of herself completely - she lives in the apartment RIGHT ABOVE THEM - She is demanding daily snaps of the twins and is constantly picking out problems or texting "i would put socks on them they'll get sick!" - She is the one BIG advocate for my friend not returning to work again and to be a stay at home mom - She even said that she wished that my friend would home school the children so they wouldn't have to go to school, and she disguises it as "oh but public schools are so bad these days" and the worst part is that my friend doesn't have any family but me and my partner, her mom is dead her dad is a disgusting piece of a human being that doesn't really care about her, so her family is her in-laws and it is hurting her a lot, as she cant really get healthy boundaries up (her husband is sweet but he cannot stand up to his mom at all, as he was raised to not have any opinions, ever..) NTA: You are the mother of the child and as long as your husband agrees i think you guys are in your right to throw her out and say no. Fuck the family members, they have no idea what happened and how it would feel like. #2: NTA I didn't tell my partner how many languages i could talk unless it has come up? I have learned at LEAST 5 languages as a European with my first language being Danish and having a Norwegian mom, learning German and English in school, if i had more education i would have been forced to learn either French or Spanish, but i didn't and now I'm learning Japanese and wanting to learn more... If she overheard your conversations with her mom she might notice that its intimate and not listen? And if its so important to keep secret, don't talk in front other others and assume they will not understand.. Ask your girlfriend if she did overhear the details and tell her the situation, and agree that she will leave the room next time? #: ESH... Why are people using the location? Never mind that, this is a VERY toxic relationship and also sounds like there is a lot of upset and no trust.. Get out for the both of you because you are clearly not old enough to be in a relationship if that is how you BOTH behave. Ask your partner for permission to go to the strip club! Tell your partner that you need a girls/guys weekend where you won't have your phone on you because you want to just be without the pressure of constant interaction OR make a deal to have a phone call at a fixed time every day to just catch up! BUT TALK ABOUT IT, DON'T FRICKING "pay back"
I also do not understand the urge to constantly share one’s location with one’s partner. In certain situations it makes sense, but I do not think it is necessary to always know where the other person is. In fact I do not think it is helpful, because it is easy to start getting obsessed about what they are doing, where they are, etc. I think a certain amount of privacy and time alone is healthy.
@@s.a.4358 Here's the thing: If it's normal for the lovers to share each other's location 24/7, then hiding one's location would become a red flag unless power-saving mode was turned on. Also, I'm adamant that it was appropriate to apply the golden rule in the 3rd story.
@@ShinyTillDawn yes I agree, because it is unusual behaviour within their couple and will therefore raise suspicion . Maybe there is no cheating going on, but it immediately raises the question of why. I don’t think sharing one’s location (or not) is the biggest issue the couple have though. There are several red flags and very likely a lack of open communication.
#3 The husband gives me bad vibes. He sounds like an old-fashion "men-are-allowed-to-do-whatever-they-want"..... I don't like how when she does something then its wrong when he does so many of the same actions to her. They might be in love but he needs to be called out on his hypocritical actions.
I don't know if the partner is exactly the asshole in the second one, but it seems weird not to mention that you can understand a language your partner speaks (and I'm surprised they hadn't told op about that hobby). I don't think the op is an asshole either, it's not like she's trying to talk behind her partner's back or make fun of her, she's just wanting a reasonable amount of privacy.
Shaaba, I have just found your channel through Jamie through Roly. I have been binge watching your videos. You are such a kind soul and always try to find the best in people. I'm a New Zealander and I love finding British Yters.
I had a friend since childhood, unfortunately when we became teenagers she went from a sweet girl to a manipulative liar, and one of the thing that I hated the most was the people around us that even so they knew she was a liar sometimes they believed her bs!!! So if this family know that MIL is like this why is everyone believing her??? It drives me crazy 😡
I remember reading the comments on the Greek story and it was actually one of the most divided ones. Lots of people said it was weird that the gf didn't reveal she could speak lots of other languages and Greek in particular within six months, lots said it was weird that the OP didn't ask and just spoke it around her. There were lots of ESH and NAH as well!
Aw geez, that last one is rough... So many issues... I married my HS sweetheart, and it was wonderful for many years, but then it was not. It wasn't so much what he was doing (mainly alcohol abuse), but the lying and hiding that eventually doomed our marriage. Saying he was working late, turning off phone locations, (actually) inappropriate lunches with a female coworker, hiding things, etc. That broken trust was what could not be repaired, especially since he had no desire to even try to repair it. Now, OP picked a very immature way to "explain" why she was upset (which is its own issue), but if they have any desire or hope to reconcile and move forward, this needs to be talked about in an open and mature manner. If OP's husband isn't willing to do that or make any effort to change, then he is pulling the narcissist card of making her so miserable that she will leave him, letting him play the victim. Trust me, I know that move.
I kind of see the second OPs point about feeling blind sided, you would think that would be an ice breaker early in the relationship. Like you're on a first date and mention your Geek, you'd think they would say "Oh! I'm actually fluent in Greek! *Proceeds to speak in Greek to look cool*"
Related to #3, I really do not understand sharing one’s location constantly. I am honestly curious why and wondering if this is a) something commonly done and b) what the rational is. In some situations I understand it, but as a situation specific thing and not as a default at all times. I would not want my partner to follow my every physical move, and I also do not want to know this about my partner. We normally know roughly where the other person is and/or with whom, but if my partner tell me he is going for a drink with his buddies, I do not need to know the specific bar.
The moment someone's first thought is "you must be cheating on me" when their partner starts mirroring their behaviour, it brings up serious doubt of their own loyalty. In this story, ESH. While the husband needs to change his ways, OP's behaviour in response will not help anyone. If she expect to be divorced anyway, she might as well file for divorce herself, instead of extending the suffering. I'm really confused why it's so normalised to track your partner's location 24/7. I only share my location when needed, which is hardly ever. And only with people I trust, which is very clearly not OP's husband. That way, I'll be safe, but I won't have someone checking my every move every single day. That's so creepy.
I think for the 2nd story: They guy was thinking / warming up to cheat. However, it's childish of OP to respond the way she did. While I understand she must have thought that was the only way to "teach him a lesson," she could have done couples therapy or asked others for advice who know him better
For 2nd story, I completely agree with you Shaaba. As someone whose multilingual, I think its incredibly rude to speak a language someone presumably doesn't know in front of them. Of course there are exceptions, for example if the mother was there in person then it couldn't be helped, but with a phonecall you have the option to leave the room. Even the thing with the cousin is kinda sucky, it's almost like when you crack an inside joke in front of a friend who doesn't get it, you're actively alienating that person if you're assuming they don't understand. The only reason I think the gf sucks is because OP explicitly told her she was talking about something personal - maybe she'd overheard by accident the first time, but she could have brought it up any other time before the second phone call. That being said I don't think gf was being malicious either, it didn't seem like she was intentionally hiding it and honestly being able to understand someone's convo and actively trying to listen in are two different things, just because she's within earshot doesn't mean she was actively paying attention to what was being said, so she may have also felt like it didn't count. Ultimately both of them suck but neither is necessarily an AH, they just need to communicate better. Also an aside, did gf actually say she was 'fluent' or did OP just interpret it that way, many people dabble in various languages or are even intermediate/advanced but seem 'fluent' to people who don't speak those languages, so I think gf's actual Greek ability also plays a part because maybe she speaks basic Greek but can't understand those intimate convos anyway LOL just a thought! (Mind you I am not trying to discredit her if she is actually fluent in 13 languages!)
It sounds to me like #3 never had a serious conversation about these issues. And "VERY recent" doesn't tend to result in this level of behavior (I'm assuming a few months, at least). This reaks of festered pain that cannot be solved with one person correcting their behavior. I agree with the forum -- either mutually commit to a lot of work or respectfully part ways.
I think it is so weird in the native language/speaking greek story that it never came up. You're telling me it's normal to date someone for 6 months after knowing them and working with them and it never came up that they speak your language? Company I work for hires people from several countries, we all speak English in company-wide communication. "I actually speak your language!" (usually "a bit" or "few words in") is like one of the first thing to be brought up in a conversation. Perhaps OP was a bit odd to use her native language to avoid being overheard, but a) everyone who knows more than one language does that, b) I still find it way creepier to not point out you can understand her. (c) who speaks 13 languages and doesn't mention it? that's valid bragging subject, come on.)
I agree with ESH on the greek story. I think people make AITA about their own experiences instead of considering the specifics. "I'm glad when someone else speaks my language." Well you might be less glad if your partner of six months started speaking it in front of your family without ever mentioning it to you beforehand.
I speak multiple languages, and if my partner started speaking a language, I understood, after they've told me they're going to have a private conversation with their parent or anyone else about something they don't want people to know, I would immediately leave... or at least cover my ears and sing loudly and probably badly.... Everybody has the right to privacy, whether they speak a different language or not.... and not telling them that you understand is weird....
Also in reference to the first one, as the person in labour you have full right to choose who you do and don't want in that room with you. Even if the MIL was perfect and super kind if you kick her out cus you don't want her in there then that's NTA.
Yeah I learned to let staff know who I want in the delivery room the hard way with my last baby. I invited my husband, my mom and my aunt to be in the room with me. My mom wasn't able to be there and my aunt was also my Dula. My MIL about the time I was going to start pushing just kinda showed up. I'm not sure why she thought that was okay but she did. And my aunt helped me kindly kick her out until my baby was actually born. Thankfully she wasn't acting crazy like the MIL in the post but she still came in and invaded my privacy without even asking.
If the MIL in the first story thinks OP is controlling her husband, it doesn't matter who's the messenger. To the rest of the family, maybe. MIL doesn't care.
I am sittning here imagining scenarios where the MIL behaviour would be reasonable… like what if that name she is trying to make them change is Adolf. Or Donald. Or Vladimir Putin.
I'll never understand how people in relationships are able to see conversations their significant other has with other people unless they're all friends online. I've always found it weird that many couples have access to phone passwords. Sharing streaming passwords is one thing, but I'm not about to give someone a password to a place where they can see me venting about someone (this is in regards to the last story, even though it's a small part and he's definitely cheating. But it's such a common element to these stories). I've also never been in a relationship, but liking my privacy and not always saying where I'm going probably wouldn't change if I was in one.
Totally unrelated, but I was just skimming through Jamie's book and dove deeper into the passge where he comes out to you. This story isn't even new to me; I'm following both of you long enough. But damn, it made me tear up once again xD I wish you all the happiness and fulfilment in the world, you beautiful people! On a more related note, I agreed with all your verdicts in this video :P
Sounds like my exMIL. Usually the partner who accuses you of cheating, is deflecting so you won't notice what they're up to. I went through that with my first husband. I was young and was so busy defending myself that I didn't notice his drug use when he was out and I was at work.
With the language one, if I spoke a language my partner didn't know about and they were having a serious conversation in that language, I would leave the room if possible and then let them know I speak the language afterwards. If I couldn't leave the room, I'd let them know I could speak the language. It's super weird not to disclose that. In that context, if they weren't excited, it would be them as the ah. They had an assumption of privacy that was violated due to the omission.
I think the divorce thing with the third story is that the OP doesn’t want to get a divorce, but if her husband wants one, she can’t really do anything about it
I feel like the couple one where they turn off their locations, idk why but I kinda feel like op might be hiding some information that should be added cause she seems to be in a lot of weird denial that the relationship is going down hill
I can't imagine being in a relationship where my partner needed to track my every location if I went out with my friends. I honestly don't know how to track another persons phone, the only reason I can see for learning how to do so is if one of us were to be going into a possibly dangerous situation. Hell when I flew by myself to visit my mom this wasn't even a thing that crossed my mind and that is probably the most dangerous thing I've ever done. I wonder is OP in the last post tried to have conversations about it before just copying. Also I am not surprised the behavior is so childish since they have been together since they were so young.
I think all these relationships would benefit from couples counselling to help them navigate their stuff. Even the first one with the controlling MIL - counselling will give the couple good tools for setting boundaries with the wider family. The other couples all need to learn tools for communicating well with each other.
The Greek speaking couple: sounds like general communication needs to be upped. It's not like it's a drastic secret, but is something they should be aware of. Don't think there are AHs around, just bad communication.
Always make sure the hospital staff know who is welcome in the birthing room. The staff has the power to keep the room clear of toxic people.
Yes. If you tell me that you don't want a certain someone in the delivery room, I will make sure they're not there and I will gladly take the blame for you.
@sabihasayeed1670 , exactly. There's a "limit," or whatever. I'll gladly take "that bitch" title. I'll even say, "I'm sorry, but your negativity is not conducive to a healing environment. I can't let you stay." And don't try me. A hospital is private property, and I WILL have you escorted or arrested. I'm not the one.
Staff are so serious about that, they asked me if I wanted to exclude my husband, because they noted my bp went up while he was in the room. That was incredibly funny, my anxiety was peaking and he was calming me down, but they were very clear that part of their job was to protect me, so if I needed them to do so, they would.
The hospital staff kept my mom out of the delivery room. When she arrived and expressed an interest in coming in, they asked me first, and I said no. My mom had boundary issues and I just couldn't deal with that while giving birth. She made a big stink about "missing an opportunity to see a grandchild be born" but I'm sorry, she wasn't going to get free access to my body just because I'm her daughter. She'd always treated me like an extension of herself instead of a separate individual and I felt like she was objectifying me as a live birthing experience for her own gratification. Her hurt feelings were about her missing out on a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity instead of caring one iota about me or what I was going through. Like always. And, of course, once the opportunity came to babysit, she resented me for even asking. She loved the idea of being a grandmother, but it ended there. I'm eternally grateful to the hospital staff for protecting me during a very vulnerable moment. They are an invaluable firewall against toxic family.
@@sabiha.sayeed Thank you - you are awesome!
like it’s not an asshole move to not say they speak greek, its just BIZARRE??? like if i was dating someone and i spoke their language that’d be like the first thing id tell them, like HEY I SPEAK THAT TOO
Yeah it's weird ^^'
Yeah, I'm the same. I tend to mention it pretty early on that I speak someone's language.
Not just speaks OP’s language, but speaks 13 of them. Like, I dunno, isn’t that a cool factoid about oneself to share? As you said, it’s not an asshole thing to keep it secret, but it is bizarre. Why wouldn’t this person want their partner of 6 months to know this about them?
It IS weird, but I don't think OP has the right to be MAD. Also personally for me I don't think that a 6 month relationship is that long. To some people it might be but I'm feeling a little bit like "get over yourself babe, so you don't know everything about this person after 6 months? Big deal" It's not like they've been together for 10 years and suddenly find out that their partner is a secret assassin or something
When I read AITA entries like the last one I just think... Do OP and her husband actually like each other? And I don't mean "have known each other for like 10 years and have never had another relationship" but actually LIKE each other. It's totally possible he's cheating, but they both sound incredibly immature.
When a minor gets into a relationship with another person, there's a high chance that the two people will grow up into completely different people that can't be with each other for a different reason. This is why a reasonable marriage age (IMO) would begin at 25 or 26.
Op kept insisting everything was fine but when you assume that the reason someone turns their location of is because they're cheating *(this can be reasonable if it's happening a LOT and they're not giving any communication or reasoning for it, but if it's something new then it could be as simple as wanting to get a surprise but not wanting your partner to realise or even a lot worse scenarios)* and blow up like that, it looks more like projecting which means something is wrong whether OP wanted to admit to it or not, or just hasn't yet realised it/can't accept it because of the type of relationship it is, also OP uses the fact that it's something new and recent as a reason for him not cheating, that's not a reason for someone to not be cheating, in fact that's how the first signs always happen, they start changing their ways slowly or start doing entirely new things and it can start quite soon into the cheating areas.
I think 6 months is a long time to never mention that you speak Greek to a native Greek speaker. It's just weird. Someone who speaks 13 languages fluently would presumably enjoy speaking in different languages. Why wouldn't she want to speak in Greek to her girlfriend? I think part of the story is missing; otherwise it doesn't make sense. (to me)
I think the missing part is that speaking 13 languages fluently is a lot of cap.
The girlfriend could have been shamed in the past for volunteering that information, some people will just don't mention stuff until it's relevant to the situation at hand
@@ShinyTillDawn it could be if it's dialects or similar groups of languages in clumps so basically speaks two or three distinct languages or something.
I would think she enjoys being able to eavesdrop without her knowing and doesn't want to give up on that. Honestly as someone who speaks multiple languages it's sometimes so interesting to be a fly on the wall.
But it's not a healthy relationship for sure
@@Brevislux112 But if she enjoyed eavesdropping, why would she "reveal" herself at all?
As a polyglot (not 13 languages though, more like 4 lol), I understand not mentioning it in the first conversation (it can sound like you're bragging, even if it's not what you're on about). And it has happened to me that I, dunno, casually started reading Japanese (not fluent in it, still studying) and surprised someone. That being said, 6 months is a lot of time not to mention something that is probably a big part of your personality/culture/worldview. AND if I meet someone who speaks any of the foreign languages I speak, my first reaction is "OMG, I speak that too! I've been studying since blablablah". It's a cool thing to bond over. I do not understand why the girlfriend would hide that for so long, just sounds odd to me.
Serious KotLC vibes… Lady Gisela hello??
while the pettiness isn’t good, his reaction absolutely shows the sort of person he is. like it’s time to say goodbye to him, he aint worth it
I don't think so. The pettiness may have been the only way to ensure that the man has undeniable proof of his wife's feelings.
The reaction might be reflected also. OP has communicated that his behaviour is hurtful to OP, I wonder what concerns OP has lifted then which might result in conclusions drawn by huspand when roles are reversed...
Honestly it sounds like both of them are kind of immature and really need to get away from each other and grow up a little. I got married at 25, divorced at 35 because people change, y'all.
I'm with Shaaba on story two, it's either ESH or even a soft NAH, because it feels like a "should" scenario. The girlfriend should have been more vocal about the fact that she understood OP's language, but I don't think she hid that to be malicious. OP should have been less angry when finding out about this, but it's also understandable that she views the omission as a lie. And of course, neither can read the other's mind. Basically, I don't think anyone had any ill will, so this feels like it could be solved with a clear-the-air conversation where both calmly explain personal point of view.
Agreed. Something is sketchy with how OP has been phrasing things. It sounds to me like they're hiding something, or not telling the full story. As someone living in a foreign country and speaking multiple languages, I never have a private conversation where others can hear me, even if I know for a fact that no one else in the room speaks the language. It doesn't sound to me like she actually mentioned the privacy after the fact and wasn't shy of leaving her partner out of conversations by switching to Greek purposefully. It's selfish and rude. Sounds to me like OP is mad she can't shit talk Alexandra to her face anymore...
@@Nariasan If she was shittalking, wouldn't she have confronted her before though? Idk why we have to assume things about the OP there based on how you would act, its kinda gross.
@@Baasudeiyeah I definitely don’t think OP was using Greek as a code language to be rude about her girlfriend. Otherwise I’m sure that when girlfriend revealed she spoke Greek, it would have been in a more antagonistic way.
I have been the partner in this situation and didn't feel comfortable telling my new bf that I knew he was swearing or talking to his family. I felt it wasn't my place, swearing is obvious in most languages and those conversations with others were on the phone so I wouldn't mention I heard anything in any language. That's rude. It's a private conversation and I wasn't a part of them nor trying to listen in.
We broke up because he was bad mouthing me infront of me to his friend and then lied when I called them out. I am guessing that is why OP is embarrassed and annoyed.
@@spaghetti1641 That's exactly what I was thinking. I've been in a multi-language relationship, and whereas I could understand the general idea of what my partner said in their native language, he could literally understand zero of mine. We'd usually speak English or their native language in our convos.
I'd first: always use English, or translate what my family/friends said in front of my partner if they couldn't speak English (after all, I wouldn't like for a guest to be left out, and that's true in bsically any scenario); and, second: I'd also feel uncomfortable bringing to their attention that I could listen to their sensitive conversation on the phone which I knew they wanted to be private about. I might mention it in SOME way (like: "would you like to talk about that?" or "are you OK?") after one such conversation, which I feel would have shown I could get the gist of it, but nothing more than that.
So, imo, both are a bit at fault here, but mostly OP for the weird overreaction. I always felt thrilled to find out someone speaks my language, and I've always avoided trash-talking in it for the sake of 'privacy' -- that's usually when you find out someone around you can understand everything! LOL
But I DO think it's a bit strange that the partner didn't share the fact that she speaks Greek for other reasons, right at the beginning of the relationship -- if I met someone an started going out and they told me "oh, I'm originally from X country" and I knew their language, I'd at the very least mention excitedly that I'm interested in the language and have been self-studying for some time, and ask if it's OK for us to practice it together sometimes.
RE #3: I love how people will say the most heinous things about their partner/relationship, but then when people respond proportionally they get super defensive and say like, “you don’t understand we’ve been together forever and love each other!!” Like girlie we are going off of what *you* said about your relationship, so if that’s wrong perhaps you need to stop trash talking your partner and instead focus your energy on healing yourself/the relationship. I think people who talk about their partners in this way are just looking for sympathy/attention and not necessarily advice, though.
It’s guilt + the sunk cost fallacy. You feel you’ve spent so many years trying to make it work, that you can’t let go because those years will feel wasted, when in reality you are just wasting more years. It’s hard to leave, but she’s showing all the signs that it’s time to cut her losses.
Sometimes even when people act like you're crazy when you bring up something wrong with their relationship and it doesn't feel like a healthy one. It still gives them an external perspective on what's going on and maybe later on they will actually act on it. I've watched this play out in Real Life in a very similar type situation with a college friend of mine whose long-term partner was no longer a healthy relationship partner.
Had a friend that did that sort of thing. The only good thing he ever said about her was that they had intimate relations (not even that it was good, just that she would have them at all). And I pointed it out to him one day, honestly concerned that he was in an unhealthy relationship. He got defensive and upset, but when I asked him to tell me some good things she did, he couldn't think of anything. Like, I'm sorry you got offended bro, but maybe you need to take a step back and honestly think about whether this relationship is really what you want or not. Later, after she suddenly left him due to family issues, he admitted to me that he only got so upset with me because I was the fifth friend to say that to him. Dunno why it still didn't get through to him then though ahahaha
For the last story. I feel sorry for how there are people who prefer to cling to a relationship where there is no longer affection or respect for the other, just because they have been together for a long time and feel that separation is the same as failure.
Although repeating certain attitudes helps others to realize their behaviors, in this case that is not serving, it only makes the relationship more toxic.
Also, I'm 90% sure he's cheating on her. If, after a weekend without knowing where she is, he already accuses her of being unfaithful, and then repeats it when she talks to another man, surely he is projecting himself.
Is Shaaba anyone else’s reminder that it’s Monday? 😂
Sadly I know it’s Monday but it’s definitely something I look forward to every Monday 😂
Wait it's Monday?
Absolutely
100%
YES ACTUALLY 😅😆
I think the "complaining to women co-workers about the relationship" thing is a problem because it's a common tactic to try and set up an affair. You build a rapport with a woman you know, you let her know how unhappy you are in your marriage, and THEN you start in with "you understand me way better than my wife does...". It compares the new woman favourably to the wife, and makes it clear he's looking for a more fulfilling relationship.
There was a news article about sexual harassment in parliament the other day that actually brought this up, actually, where the woman interviewed said that male co-workers kept telling her all their marriage woes in this kind of way. It's different than a man just venting his spleen to a friend, is what I'm trying to say.
first story: Um, wtf hospital staff. It's your job to not let unwanted people into that delivery room. And it's rich of the MIL to accuse OP of being controlling.
Many people are hypocrites.
To be fair, OP sound like she was already struggling to set boundaries with MIL. Maybe she forgot to tell hospital staff to keep MIL out?
@@sleepingroses761almost certainly this. As much as she seems very frustrated in the post, at first she might have treated MIL politely. Or even if not, families can have disagreements without hospital staff needing to chuck people out. It depends on what the patient wants. Hospital staff are not mind-readers.
If he treats her like that and they’ve been together since she was 16... how old was he.
HOW OLD WAS HE OP
Mirroring an asshole’s behavior won’t teach them anything.
I tried to meet fire with fire with my mom most of my life. It doesn’t work. She doesn’t get that I’m mirroring her. Get counseling and if they won’t do that, disengage. They can deal with being alone.
In the post, he was 2 years older.
he would've been 18. which doesn't sound like a huge age gap now but the difference between 16 and 18 is very significant. year 12 and "could reasonably be at uni or in a job".
just a small, regular yike.
Also, 50% of marriages between folks who aren't old enough to drink in the US fail, so those two people shouldn't have been married in the first place.
@@Mesanin3 Okay, maybe it's just because of how the culture is where I live (VIC, AUS, 16yr's can work and start getting their driver's licence) or the fact that in year 12 I had one friend who was 18 and another who was 16 at the same time that I was 17, both in my graduating class, because one was pushed up and one held down a grade because of their birthdays.... but I really don't think that 16 and 18 is inherently a "huge" age gap? Key word there being 'inherently'. Situational context would definitely matter in a case like that.
So, "small, regular yike" is pretty apt, yeah.
Smosh read an AITA story about a white-passing biracial baby and I would be so interested to see Jamie/Shaaba's reactions
Which episode was that story from? I follow their series but I forgot about that specific story
@@trinetra2011 hmm I remember that Jackie is on the couch in the ep because of how hard she rolls her eyes lmao
I love theirs too lol
The ignoring boyfriend really sounds like he might be cheating, if he's responding to you that way he may be guilty of doing those things....
Most likely. People cheat & project all the time.
@@ShinyTillDawn
I also heard that partners will sometimes 'act out' before and during cheating to sour the relationship so they can use the 'sour relationship' as a way to (try and) justify the cheating (as in 'since I'm not getting love here I can seek it from somewhere else' type thing).
for that first story, I think it's importnat to keep in mind that even though everyone on MIL's side of the family is demanding an apology from OP, we don't know what they were told. Manipulators often take advantage of being the first one to tell their side of the story. Just explaining your side can often have a much bigger impact than you might think. Big money down on MIL lying through her teeth about what happened in that hospital room.
That one about the language is so tricky, but I know I couldn't give a verdict because I'm biased. My whole family is pretty much white as driven snow. However, my grandfather is fluent in Vietnamese, I speak Spanish, and my little sister speaks Japanese and all three of us have had some instance of people deliberately speaking their native language in our presence to conceal relevant information from us at some point or another. A particularly frustrating instance of this was when I worked in animal rescue and we were in the process of explaining to a family that we couldn't adopt a kitten to them because they planned on allowing it to be indoor-outdoor, which rescue policy did not permit due to dangerous, copious local wildlife and intense traffic. The family immediately proceeded to begin discussing amongst themselves (in Spanish) how they would wait a couple weeks, assuming we would not remember them, come in a different version of the group so it would be harder to recognize them, and say that they would keep the cat indoors when they applied again.
I would have told them in the end, in spanish, that they don't need to come back, cause that plan won't work. 😅
Hearing the reaction to Story #3 has made me sick to my stomach, this is exactly how my DV situation started. My ex was great at first, so romantic and affectionate, but once he moved in it all changed. He started making "jokes" that sniped about my appearance, and talking about how he might need to date other women if I didn't work on myself. Then the pandemic hit and I was totally isolated, I didn't see my family for two years b/c he made the decision that his family was "safer" to see since they were local. Once I started to meet his friends they treated me strangely, giving me odd looks, not responding to comments or jokes I made, and one incident where a friend begged me to let him stay later at a party where I was leaving early since I had work the next day. I was confused b/c I had to ask my ex's permission to shower, why did this woman think I controlled where he could go? Because he'd been complaining about me to them, saying I was controlling and crazy all while he was intimidating and controlling me at home behind closed doors. The cheating really broke me, he used it to make me try harder for his love and submit even more to his control. Cheating is a red flag for abuse, look at any reputable resource and they will tell you, not all cheaters are beaters but all beaters are cheaters. This was not me being crazy and jealous, this was him manipulating me into feeling like I wasn't good enough for him so I would stay. If your partner is badmouthing you to other people (and she used the word "complain about our relationship", not "seek advice" or "talk about") and cheating YOU NEED TO RUN! This is why people don't leave abuse situations, b/c the people around them talk about them needing to work on themselves and be a better partner all while the abuser is running circles around everyone. This woman is retaliating b/c she still thinks she can fix him. If someone treats you with this much disrespect, and violates your boundaries (it doesn't matter what you're okay with Shaaba, if she's not okay with the twerking videos and turning off location than that's her boundary and he's repeatedly violating it) get away from them, it only gets worse.
My thoughts exactly. The issue here probably is that those who aren't familiar with abusive relationships don't think about that and comment on the issue as if they were talking about two people managing a normal relationship badly.
2nd story: I was told by multiple people that girls don't break up when I was asking for advice on getting out of a relationship I didn't feel comfortable with. I can understand why op is trying to get out by manipulating her husband into "properly" ending the relationship, because she, as a woman can't do it. (I never agreed to this rule, but breaking up is pretty difficult when practically everyone around you is "helping" you to save your relationship. Especially when it's deemed necessary for your mental health)
3) ESH. You need a counselor. Both of you are extremely concerned about fidelity for a supposedly serious 8-year long relationship. Don't say you weren't worried about him cheating either. Just cause you didn't say the words, there is no other reason for a boys night out, a female friend at work or a twerking video to get you to be so pissed off at the man you married on purpose that you needed "revenge."
Ok, hear me out - my husband and I are together for 5 years. Neither of us is controlling and we trust each other. He goes to music festivals with friends (I hate every part of a music festival experiance), I spend time with my male an friends from academia and work (he would be bored to tears listening to us talking shop). And it's good, it's healthy. But I can't imagine ghosting him for a day. A whole weekend? Bro. I love him, I miss him when we are apart, I want to show him the cute bird I saw or share a joke. And he is the same. If they are ok not talking or texting or anything for the whole weekend then maybe there's not a lot of a relationship left.
Same. My fiancé and I have separate groups of friends and quite different hobbies, and my family also lives in a different country so we spend regular time apart, but I cannot imagine purposefully not talking to him for a whole day. Even if it’s a 3 minute conversation, I want to know how his day was and say goodnight when we are apart, or at least send him a text with some random thought, a photo of the cat or a funny meme I think he will like.
for the 2nd one, I don't think the partner is a asshole because she never told her that she spoke Greek. if I overheard my partner talking to someone about something serious, I would do my best to mind my own business and it also sounds like a terrible time to be like "hey I know Greek too!"
I agree EXCEPT for if the girlfriend knew that the mother didn't want anybody else to know about it, cause then I would pull my partner aside and be like "hey, I just want you to know that I also speak Greek so if you want to discuss things with your mom, I can make sure to leave the room/you should leave the room"
I agree. Even if the partner did not know that the mother didn’t want that specific information shared, it’s not hard to guess when a conversation is private and to not immediately be like “by the way I understand everything”. Also, how often did OP speak Greek to her mom in front of Alex? Maybe once or twice (as they are have only been together 6 months, do not live together and OP says it has mainly been in the car) so Alex could very well have thought it was not the moment to bring it up, yet with the cousin meeting that was a good moment.
Also, never assume that people will not understand if you want the conversation to be private. I do not speak Spanish but I can understand a fair amount because I speak French, which is also a Latin language. I also speak two Germanic languages so I can at times understand the general meanings of other Germanic languages even if I do not speak them. If you do not want people to understand, do not have the conversation in front of them.
Except that the OP specifically told her girlfriend it was a confidential conversation, at which point the girlfriend should have fessed up to speaking Greek and understanding said confidential conversation.
@@carr0760 my previous comment was based on the assumption that OP did not mention at the time of the conversation that it was private, but I listened again and now I am not sure. If OP did mentioned from the onset the sensitivity of the conversation, I agree that Alexandra should have mentioned that she understands.
Having said that, I wouldn’t assume that Alex lied by omission or had sneaky intention. She could have interpreted the private conversation comment as “don’t share the info with other because this is private but I feel comfortable speaking in front of you because I know I can trust you” and not necessarily that she herself is not supposed to know / understand.
If I was fluent in a language and I heard it from someone I was dating I'd defs try to talk back and forth in that language. I don't know how much is just me liking the extra connection but like we could totes talk about stuff in different ways. I dunno. It'd be fuuuun. Why wait months to mention? It's just an odd choice.
Wow these videos really highlight the importance of good communication
which ceases to exist with the popularization of social media
I honestly thought Shaaba's hair was a pink fur collar when I first started watching and now my brain cannot unsee it as such! I was just here thinking, "That is such a cute and unique shirt! Oh wait, it's her hair, duh!"
Not related to any of the stories, but I find it funny!
After reading this, I now can't unsee it either
A good portion of the relationship related AITA would be solved if people would learn to communicate properly
9:54 this one reeks of missing information. OP never said that her conversations with her mom were private, so I don't think the girlfriend was obligated to disclose. I don't normally say this but I think OP is hiding something.
in the edit 7:57 OP added that she told her girlfriend that it was a convo about her mom's health issues and that that was private. Not that I don't think OP is still sketchy.
@@blazelightshine2311 From my understanding she only told the girlfriend that AFTER she found out she could speak Greek and was already mad.
@@rosieg6989 I read it as she told her partner that to explain why she was speaking Greek to her mom, so Alex wouldn't feel left out or ignored, before she found out that Alex also speaks Greek.
@@rosieg6989no... She had a phone call with her mom in Greek and then told her girlfriend that her mom didn't speak English but that it was also a private conversation that mom didn't want anyone to know about. At that exact moment, the girlfriend had a moral obligation to fess up that she understood the conversation.
@@carr0760she might have misunderstood though, and thought “private” meant she wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, as opposed to wasn’t supposed to hear at all. There is a lot of nuance we can’t tell from the post. It’s simply unfortunate. Also, I feel we should always assume others know our languages when it comes to private matters, just in case, but that’s just me. I’ve had people speak other languages around me to be private, without realizing I know a lot of languages, and it’s hard to interrupt and say “ummm, are you trying to be private? Bc it’s not working” since that is awkward and I’m kind of shy. Especially if it’s infrequent or a one off event.
For the second one, it’s a bit weird that OP’s GF never mentioned her language hobby until now, and should have mentioned she’d learned Greek, but OP’s reaction also seems too much. #3, good gravy Marie!! Those two kids met too young and married too young. I suspect the husband is a cheating hypocrite, but OP also sounds really immature. Finally, my husband and I are sitting here going “people use location services to track their partner?”. We don’t know where the other one is at any given time! (I mean, we basically do, because we trust each other).
Glad I'm not the only one who found the tracking odd :). We turn our gps etc off most of the time, it saves battery more than almost anything else.
I feel like for the Greek speaking couple, it is more complicated than one person being an A-hole. They definitely need to talk with each other and learn what the other's intentions were.
I feel like if someone is having a sensitive conversation, and has not invited you to join, it is reasonable to try to respect their privacy and disregard anything you might overhear. That being said, if this is reoccurring, informing them that they are not as discreet as they might hope would be respectful. But being in a relationship with someone you know would probably be thrilled to hear that you speak another language that they also speak, why wouldn't you share that sooner?
First story: some family members thought, my dad was controlling my mom too much ("making" her move out to study). Some family members thought, he didn't control her enough. (by not hiring house staff). The rest would support the couple and enjoy the time with the kids (my 3 siblings and I)
Regarding the 2nd story, OP did mention that she's worked with the girlfriend for several years prior to their starting to date. A part of me wonders if the polyglot GF thought that her partner was already aware of her ability to speak several languages and it just never occurred to her that she needed to say that out loud. I don't think the GF was deliberating keeping the fact that she speaks Greek as a secret, and when she did join into the conversation, that may have been the first time that she felt comfortable enough to let OP know without it being an awkward situation. Unfortunately, it still turned into an awkward situation.
I'm with you on the Greek one.
If OP had not told her girlfriend that it was a confidential conversation then I would say YTA, but as soon as she told her girlfriend it was confidential, the girlfriend had a moral obligation to let her know that she was fluent in Greek and had understood everything.
However, I think where the difference might be for the commenters is that the OP clarified in an edit that she had made her girlfriend aware of the privacy factor and people may have made their verdicts before that edit came in.
As a deeply awkward person, I can imagine being the fluent partner and not wanting to mention it right away because it can be seen as showing off, and then feeling too awkward to mention it after hearing something I shouldn't. I'd try to avoid hearing more, and if the conversations happened in the car a lot like was mentioned, I'd be internally agonizing the whole time over what I should do and how I can tell them and desperately wishing I could take back hearing anything so they could learn about the languages I know in a way that won't be stressful. Not the best way to handle things for sure, but her motives might not be nefarious
As someone who does speak multiple languages - it is usually the first thing that i share (not the last) when encountering someone who speaks any one of them. Especially because i think its a great way to connect.
I just can't imagine never addressing the fact that i understand them (even while just being just acquainted, but especially when getting to know them better) that's just strange to me
My comment is about the last instance. Too many times I have said to my son "how would you feel if I talked to you that way?" or "how would you feel if I treated you that way or did that to you?" and his standard answer is always "I don't know, I've never experienced that." It might be an immature answer, one that lacks empathy and insight, but sometimes it is the only answer someone has to give. I'm not sure I understand why the OP is in the wrong for teaching the husband what his actions feel like. If someone I have treated with respect treats me without respect, I am far less likely to treat them with respect going forward. How is that not exactly the way people learn how it feels?
Yeah I agree with 2 that ESH. I can’t see why the fact she understood her GF speaking Greek didn’t come up for 6 months, let alone the fact she speaks 13 languages! I speak 4 languages and usually drop it into conversation all the time because it’s such a big interest of mine. This seems like the GF was keeping something from her deliberately, but also agree that OP was being a bit suss too
The second one...we need more information. Like, I don't always tell people I understand Spanish - though if they do start speaking it in front of me I will often laugh at a joke or put in a few words to indicate that I understand, so if the girlfriend managed not to do that in 6 months, that's a bit weird.
On the other hand, saying sensitive things just ASSUMING other people don't understand, and then getting mad that your girlfriend has this amazing polyglot talent is also a bit weird.
I agree with you that some information or context is missing. Also, how often did the private conversations with mom happen? They have only been together 6 months and do not live together, so there were maybe only one or two conversations with mom. It doesn’t sound like the girlfriend was constantly listening to their conversations on the sly and spying. You cannot just assume someone will not understand, if it is sensitive information. If someone has a conversation in front of me, I assume they are okay with me hearing it. My sister in law is Japanese and sometimes will speak Japanese to her children in front of me, I never think it is to exclude me, but I also can guess from the tone of voice and body language of either party if the kids are being scolded or it’s otherwise not a fully positive conversation. If it is a private conversation, have it in private.
I don’t think either person is at fault here. I think it is just one of those things about getting to know each other better and better at the beginning of a relationship and having some oops moments in the process.
I agree, I speak to my family in Maltese and feel like I can tell them anything in front of my friend cos he doesn't understand my language so yea I would also be annoyed if he now tells me he is fluent in my language! And I have never shared that I am talking privately in front of him nor have I ever said anything that is really a secret, I can fully understand how angry she must feel that her partner didn't let her know that she could understand her private conversations... not to mention the fact that she had to speak to her partner in a foreign language when in fact she could use her birth language!
i'm early!! aita with shaaba is one of the few good things about monday
I don't think anyone is an asshole. But I do think the gf should have told her when she was talking to her mom, or at the very least been like "oh, wow, I never though about that, I'm sorry," when OP told her about her mom's health.
Yeah, I don't like when people try to use their languages as a secret code. However, it does put me in a position as a linguist that can be quite entertaining sometimes when people don't realise I speak their language. But yeah. Just as a general rule, don't say things that you wouldn't say to people's face - and if something is a private conversation, have it in private.
Why?
13:07 This relationship should be on it's way to the bin for a long while
And yeah, all this talk about "oh, we still love each other" doesn't sound like a deep love, it sounds like a sunk cost fallacy.
the third story for me gives heavy ESH vibes - fighting fire with fire is never the way to go! marriage counselling or long sit-down conversations would be more beneficial than simple pettiness
I don't agree. You should always treat others the way you were treated - that's what we've been taught in school at a young age. Fighting fire with fire in this case makes it impossible for the husband to deny that his actions hurt his wife's feelings while long conversations could be easily avoided or filled with lies/denial.
@@ShinyTillDawnwhy would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that, though?
@@Nortarachanges Sunk cost fallacy
The woman also said that the cheating problem has been very new & that things were going fine until then.
@@ShinyTillDawn , I don’t know. I’m aromantic, so maybe I don’t understand. I just wouldn’t want to live with someone who I needed to behave badly toward to get them to believe me when I say something. That’s just not something I would want to do
9:00 for the second post if you overhear a conversation that is private and they're speaking the country's official language you wouldn't bring it up until the person decides to bring it up on their own accord, so why is it different when it's a different language? I'd feel awkward telling a friend, let alone my partner, something along the lines of btw I speak greek too after I overheard her talking to her mother about health issues or frustrated cursing herself. The interaction with the cousin was the best moment to let that be known, imo
I was married to someone who spoke a different language with their mom. Even when I was in the room with them. I never found it odd or disrespectful, but I guess it kinda was. After a few years of listening to it, I started to understand the language and at one point just responded to something the mom said in my own language and both her and my partner were somehow shocked. You wouldn't interrupt private conversations even if you speak the language. Maybe you'd even feel embarrassed speaking it in front of a native speaker and never even bring it up because you're embarrassed. But in a more casual setting, you may feel more comfortable speaking the language without being judged 🤷♀️
I definitely agree with Shaaba that ESH in story 2. Definitely if I found out my SO spoke my language, I'd be ecstatic and I do agree that, unless OP was clear that what her mother has been going through is private, she acting a bit like she was caught doing something wrong. However, six months is also a long time to go without telling your partner that you speak their language
I kinda understand where the girlfriend who learned greek is coming from. 1. how fluent is fluent. there is a big difference between having basic conversations in an language and being able to decode native slang and technical medical terms. If she was like a A2 B1 she could have a convo about normal things but may not have understood when her GF was talking to the mom on the phone. (I can watch TV shows in spanish but overhearing convos on the subway is too hard) 2. Its really hard to get the nerves up to speak to someone in a language you have been studying! think of trying to have a normal convo with a toddler and people getting annoyed with the toddler doesn't understand or messes things up! Thats what it feels like when you're just starting out in a new language. 3. if the gf has been studying languages it could just be a thing she does sometimes and if she isn't interested in it now it doesn't come up!
Re: the language post, this is one my spouse and I disagreed about, and it led to an interesting discussion. We also both have different takes than you (Shaaba). For background, I grew up only speaking English (surrounded by others who also spoke just Engilsh), but learned Mandarin as an adult. My spouse grew up in Malaysia, where most people speak multiple languages (he speaks six), and it's very common to use more than one language in the same conversation (or even the same sentence).
My take on this is that six months is a very long time for the gf to not let OP know she could understand all those conversations in Greek. I don't think OP was trying to hide anything - that's one point where I think you're likely wrong. For someone fluent in multiple languages, cursing in another language often comes naturally and is not an indicator of trying to hide what one is saying. My spouse, for example, frequently curses in languages I don't understand. He's not hiding anything - it's how he learned to curse, and what comes naturally to him. Neither do I think the phone conversations were an attempt to hide things from the gf. OP mentioned her mom doesn't speak English, so it makes sense Greek would be the language spoken during those calls. Heck, my spouse's parents both speak at least some English, but he frequently switches to other languages when speaking with them, because that's how they are accustomed to communicating with each other. I think it's perfectly reasonable for OP to have assumed her gf didn't understand Greek, especially after so long. Personally, I would assume if I spoke another language around someone I was dating and they didn't say "Oh, I speak that too!" that they did not speak that language. Add to this that the topic of discussion between OP and her mom was often about medical and/or private issues, and I get why OP is upset.
So, my take is that there's really no reason the gf would have kept this from OP *other* than to spy on conversations OP was having with her family. And that's not cool.
That said, my spouse added one more reason. Humility. As I said, he speaks six languages. But he's an incredibly humble guy who would hate to sound like he's bragging. He said he could see himself being in a relationship for six months and not telling the person he's dating that he speaks six languages. He did say that he personally would let his dating partner know if he heard them speaking another language he understood (just out of courtesy, if nothing else), but he emphasized that that's only what *he* would do. He still thinks it's possible the gf didn't mean anything negative by leaving OP in the dark.
In the end, this is something my spouse and I agreed to disagree on. I just found it interesting that he - with his vastly different background in terms of exposure to more languages - has such a different response to this than I did. So maybe there's a bit of a cultural divide happening between OP and her gf as well. Who knows?
How on earth is it possible to date somebody for 6 months and not realise you have a language/culture in common?! That is insane.. Like that would be found out on the 2nd date in any normal interaction
Shaaba you have a beeeautiful voice. I really look forward to hearing more
I agree!
For the language one, how do you just not mention that you speak 13 LANGUAGES?? In 6 months nothing about languages has come up?? The second my partner even told me I was greek, I would have been like that's awesome, I speak greek too. That's fishy to me tbh lol.
Wow! Your perspectives are so balanced. For the second one: when I first read it, I intentionally thought the partner was in the wrong, bc it was like she was hiding something. But I talked with my friend about it and they said they translate and don't have private conversations with me in the room even If I don't know what they're saying. I wouldn't mind personally, which is why I couldn't see the problem in talking to their mother in Greek privately in front of the partner. Its interesting hearing a middle ground bc reddit can be extreme in only one side
#1: I was so lucky to be a part of naming my best friend's twins, we gave the two suggestions and they where picked, my lovely friend have an extremely controlling mother in law - she is the reason they got married and got children - she made my friend dress "more adult" and cut off her emo/alternative part of herself completely - she lives in the apartment RIGHT ABOVE THEM - She is demanding daily snaps of the twins and is constantly picking out problems or texting "i would put socks on them they'll get sick!" - She is the one BIG advocate for my friend not returning to work again and to be a stay at home mom - She even said that she wished that my friend would home school the children so they wouldn't have to go to school, and she disguises it as "oh but public schools are so bad these days" and the worst part is that my friend doesn't have any family but me and my partner, her mom is dead her dad is a disgusting piece of a human being that doesn't really care about her, so her family is her in-laws and it is hurting her a lot, as she cant really get healthy boundaries up (her husband is sweet but he cannot stand up to his mom at all, as he was raised to not have any opinions, ever..)
NTA: You are the mother of the child and as long as your husband agrees i think you guys are in your right to throw her out and say no. Fuck the family members, they have no idea what happened and how it would feel like.
#2: NTA
I didn't tell my partner how many languages i could talk unless it has come up? I have learned at LEAST 5 languages as a European with my first language being Danish and having a Norwegian mom, learning German and English in school, if i had more education i would have been forced to learn either French or Spanish, but i didn't and now I'm learning Japanese and wanting to learn more...
If she overheard your conversations with her mom she might notice that its intimate and not listen? And if its so important to keep secret, don't talk in front other others and assume they will not understand.. Ask your girlfriend if she did overhear the details and tell her the situation, and agree that she will leave the room next time?
#: ESH... Why are people using the location? Never mind that, this is a VERY toxic relationship and also sounds like there is a lot of upset and no trust.. Get out for the both of you because you are clearly not old enough to be in a relationship if that is how you BOTH behave. Ask your partner for permission to go to the strip club! Tell your partner that you need a girls/guys weekend where you won't have your phone on you because you want to just be without the pressure of constant interaction OR make a deal to have a phone call at a fixed time every day to just catch up! BUT TALK ABOUT IT, DON'T FRICKING "pay back"
I also do not understand the urge to constantly share one’s location with one’s partner. In certain situations it makes sense, but I do not think it is necessary to always know where the other person is. In fact I do not think it is helpful, because it is easy to start getting obsessed about what they are doing, where they are, etc. I think a certain amount of privacy and time alone is healthy.
@@s.a.4358 Here's the thing: If it's normal for the lovers to share each other's location 24/7, then hiding one's location would become a red flag unless power-saving mode was turned on.
Also, I'm adamant that it was appropriate to apply the golden rule in the 3rd story.
@@ShinyTillDawn yes I agree, because it is unusual behaviour within their couple and will therefore raise suspicion . Maybe there is no cheating going on, but it immediately raises the question of why.
I don’t think sharing one’s location (or not) is the biggest issue the couple have though. There are several red flags and very likely a lack of open communication.
#3 The husband gives me bad vibes. He sounds like an old-fashion "men-are-allowed-to-do-whatever-they-want"..... I don't like how when she does something then its wrong when he does so many of the same actions to her. They might be in love but he needs to be called out on his hypocritical actions.
I don't know if the partner is exactly the asshole in the second one, but it seems weird not to mention that you can understand a language your partner speaks (and I'm surprised they hadn't told op about that hobby). I don't think the op is an asshole either, it's not like she's trying to talk behind her partner's back or make fun of her, she's just wanting a reasonable amount of privacy.
I agree. No one is necessarily an asshole, but not mentioning to your partner that you can speak a language they speak is super weird.
Shaaba, I have just found your channel through Jamie through Roly. I have been binge watching your videos. You are such a kind soul and always try to find the best in people. I'm a New Zealander and I love finding British Yters.
I had a friend since childhood, unfortunately when we became teenagers she went from a sweet girl to a manipulative liar, and one of the thing that I hated the most was the people around us that even so they knew she was a liar sometimes they believed her bs!!! So if this family know that MIL is like this why is everyone believing her??? It drives me crazy 😡
I remember reading the comments on the Greek story and it was actually one of the most divided ones. Lots of people said it was weird that the gf didn't reveal she could speak lots of other languages and Greek in particular within six months, lots said it was weird that the OP didn't ask and just spoke it around her. There were lots of ESH and NAH as well!
Aw geez, that last one is rough... So many issues... I married my HS sweetheart, and it was wonderful for many years, but then it was not. It wasn't so much what he was doing (mainly alcohol abuse), but the lying and hiding that eventually doomed our marriage. Saying he was working late, turning off phone locations, (actually) inappropriate lunches with a female coworker, hiding things, etc. That broken trust was what could not be repaired, especially since he had no desire to even try to repair it. Now, OP picked a very immature way to "explain" why she was upset (which is its own issue), but if they have any desire or hope to reconcile and move forward, this needs to be talked about in an open and mature manner. If OP's husband isn't willing to do that or make any effort to change, then he is pulling the narcissist card of making her so miserable that she will leave him, letting him play the victim. Trust me, I know that move.
#3 Man wants out of the marriage. She needs to seriously consider packing out. She sounds like she’s still 16 in her head.
I appreciate your wisdom, Shaaba.
That last story is giving off the same feelings as No Children by the Mountain Goats
11:10 I think it’s because he’s making sure OP knows what he’s doing.
I kind of see the second OPs point about feeling blind sided, you would think that would be an ice breaker early in the relationship. Like you're on a first date and mention your Geek, you'd think they would say "Oh! I'm actually fluent in Greek! *Proceeds to speak in Greek to look cool*"
WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE SONG HELLO?? CONGRATS OMG
RUclips’s closed captions though! “Hi Peaches it’s Shovel” 😂
6:28 polyglot doesn’t even begin to cover this person OMFG!
Related to #3, I really do not understand sharing one’s location constantly. I am honestly curious why and wondering if this is a) something commonly done and b) what the rational is.
In some situations I understand it, but as a situation specific thing and not as a default at all times. I would not want my partner to follow my every physical move, and I also do not want to know this about my partner. We normally know roughly where the other person is and/or with whom, but if my partner tell me he is going for a drink with his buddies, I do not need to know the specific bar.
8:28 yeah, that context makes all the difference. NTA
The moment someone's first thought is "you must be cheating on me" when their partner starts mirroring their behaviour, it brings up serious doubt of their own loyalty.
In this story, ESH.
While the husband needs to change his ways, OP's behaviour in response will not help anyone.
If she expect to be divorced anyway, she might as well file for divorce herself, instead of extending the suffering.
I'm really confused why it's so normalised to track your partner's location 24/7.
I only share my location when needed, which is hardly ever.
And only with people I trust, which is very clearly not OP's husband.
That way, I'll be safe, but I won't have someone checking my every move every single day.
That's so creepy.
It seems to me like the mother in law barged in unwanted during the first story Shaaba.
WHY IS HER SINGING VOICE SO PRETTY???
It kind of messes with my brain that thanks to Shaaba's AmITheA-Videos, I wish it was Monday more often.
I think for the 2nd story: They guy was thinking / warming up to cheat. However, it's childish of OP to respond the way she did. While I understand she must have thought that was the only way to "teach him a lesson," she could have done couples therapy or asked others for advice who know him better
For 2nd story, I completely agree with you Shaaba. As someone whose multilingual, I think its incredibly rude to speak a language someone presumably doesn't know in front of them. Of course there are exceptions, for example if the mother was there in person then it couldn't be helped, but with a phonecall you have the option to leave the room. Even the thing with the cousin is kinda sucky, it's almost like when you crack an inside joke in front of a friend who doesn't get it, you're actively alienating that person if you're assuming they don't understand.
The only reason I think the gf sucks is because OP explicitly told her she was talking about something personal - maybe she'd overheard by accident the first time, but she could have brought it up any other time before the second phone call. That being said I don't think gf was being malicious either, it didn't seem like she was intentionally hiding it and honestly being able to understand someone's convo and actively trying to listen in are two different things, just because she's within earshot doesn't mean she was actively paying attention to what was being said, so she may have also felt like it didn't count.
Ultimately both of them suck but neither is necessarily an AH, they just need to communicate better.
Also an aside, did gf actually say she was 'fluent' or did OP just interpret it that way, many people dabble in various languages or are even intermediate/advanced but seem 'fluent' to people who don't speak those languages, so I think gf's actual Greek ability also plays a part because maybe she speaks basic Greek but can't understand those intimate convos anyway LOL just a thought! (Mind you I am not trying to discredit her if she is actually fluent in 13 languages!)
I think the last one is all about boundaries. And communication.
It sounds to me like #3 never had a serious conversation about these issues. And "VERY recent" doesn't tend to result in this level of behavior (I'm assuming a few months, at least).
This reaks of festered pain that cannot be solved with one person correcting their behavior. I agree with the forum -- either mutually commit to a lot of work or respectfully part ways.
I think it is so weird in the native language/speaking greek story that it never came up. You're telling me it's normal to date someone for 6 months after knowing them and working with them and it never came up that they speak your language? Company I work for hires people from several countries, we all speak English in company-wide communication. "I actually speak your language!" (usually "a bit" or "few words in") is like one of the first thing to be brought up in a conversation. Perhaps OP was a bit odd to use her native language to avoid being overheard, but a) everyone who knows more than one language does that, b) I still find it way creepier to not point out you can understand her. (c) who speaks 13 languages and doesn't mention it? that's valid bragging subject, come on.)
I speak several languages, never mention it...unless someone asks. And I've never met another polyglot that makes it a point to mention it randomly.
For the last one they both need to grow the eff up. Sheesh!
I agree with ESH on the greek story. I think people make AITA about their own experiences instead of considering the specifics. "I'm glad when someone else speaks my language." Well you might be less glad if your partner of six months started speaking it in front of your family without ever mentioning it to you beforehand.
Agreed on all verdicts.
Very excited for your music!!
I speak multiple languages, and if my partner started speaking a language, I understood, after they've told me they're going to have a private conversation with their parent or anyone else about something they don't want people to know, I would immediately leave... or at least cover my ears and sing loudly and probably badly.... Everybody has the right to privacy, whether they speak a different language or not.... and not telling them that you understand is weird....
Also in reference to the first one, as the person in labour you have full right to choose who you do and don't want in that room with you. Even if the MIL was perfect and super kind if you kick her out cus you don't want her in there then that's NTA.
Yeah I learned to let staff know who I want in the delivery room the hard way with my last baby. I invited my husband, my mom and my aunt to be in the room with me. My mom wasn't able to be there and my aunt was also my Dula. My MIL about the time I was going to start pushing just kinda showed up. I'm not sure why she thought that was okay but she did. And my aunt helped me kindly kick her out until my baby was actually born. Thankfully she wasn't acting crazy like the MIL in the post but she still came in and invaded my privacy without even asking.
If the MIL in the first story thinks OP is controlling her husband, it doesn't matter who's the messenger. To the rest of the family, maybe. MIL doesn't care.
I am sittning here imagining scenarios where the MIL behaviour would be reasonable… like what if that name she is trying to make them change is Adolf. Or Donald. Or Vladimir Putin.
It feels more like the MIL is trying to control rather than OP and is just projecting (consciously or otherwise) onto OP.
I just realised you make a 'fishing' gesture at the start of these videos and not a 'drum solo' one 😅
Shaaba’s singing voice is 🔥
I'll never understand how people in relationships are able to see conversations their significant other has with other people unless they're all friends online. I've always found it weird that many couples have access to phone passwords. Sharing streaming passwords is one thing, but I'm not about to give someone a password to a place where they can see me venting about someone (this is in regards to the last story, even though it's a small part and he's definitely cheating. But it's such a common element to these stories).
I've also never been in a relationship, but liking my privacy and not always saying where I'm going probably wouldn't change if I was in one.
Totally unrelated, but I was just skimming through Jamie's book and dove deeper into the passge where he comes out to you.
This story isn't even new to me; I'm following both of you long enough.
But damn, it made me tear up once again xD
I wish you all the happiness and fulfilment in the world, you beautiful people!
On a more related note, I agreed with all your verdicts in this video :P
Sounds like my exMIL. Usually the partner who accuses you of cheating, is deflecting so you won't notice what they're up to. I went through that with my first husband. I was young and was so busy defending myself that I didn't notice his drug use when he was out and I was at work.
Story 3, cheaters always project
OMG your music!!! I was waiting for it!!
Love you Shaaba!!🩷🩷🍑🍑
With the language one, if I spoke a language my partner didn't know about and they were having a serious conversation in that language, I would leave the room if possible and then let them know I speak the language afterwards. If I couldn't leave the room, I'd let them know I could speak the language. It's super weird not to disclose that. In that context, if they weren't excited, it would be them as the ah. They had an assumption of privacy that was violated due to the omission.
I had such a stressful week leading up to today so when I realized you uploaded I clicked SO fast
I think the divorce thing with the third story is that the OP doesn’t want to get a divorce, but if her husband wants one, she can’t really do anything about it
Don't think I've ever been this early. Sending you some love and kindness from the Netherlands!
I feel like the couple one where they turn off their locations, idk why but I kinda feel like op might be hiding some information that should be added cause she seems to be in a lot of weird denial that the relationship is going down hill
I can't imagine being in a relationship where my partner needed to track my every location if I went out with my friends. I honestly don't know how to track another persons phone, the only reason I can see for learning how to do so is if one of us were to be going into a possibly dangerous situation. Hell when I flew by myself to visit my mom this wasn't even a thing that crossed my mind and that is probably the most dangerous thing I've ever done.
I wonder is OP in the last post tried to have conversations about it before just copying. Also I am not surprised the behavior is so childish since they have been together since they were so young.
I think all these relationships would benefit from couples counselling to help them navigate their stuff. Even the first one with the controlling MIL - counselling will give the couple good tools for setting boundaries with the wider family. The other couples all need to learn tools for communicating well with each other.
The Greek speaking couple: sounds like general communication needs to be upped. It's not like it's a drastic secret, but is something they should be aware of. Don't think there are AHs around, just bad communication.