It’s not just the narcissist who hurts you. It’s the people who take their side. It’s the people who look the other way. It’s the people who tell you to move on, or get over it. It’s therapists untrained in personality disorders. It’s the lack of healing help. It’s the victim blaming. It’s everyone who doesn’t understand narcissistic abuse.
"Nobody put a gun to your head", a social worker told me after crying and telling her I was forced to take drugs like he did (he was a functional drug addict) to keep the relationship going on. And I responded her simply by saying "coercive control." This social worker denied me therapy to build my self esteem in the only place in my town to treat women, even though I told her I needed exactly that and I can't afford therapy privately anymore. I got C-PTSD diagnosed by a private therapist and an inmune disease, both appeared after the last discard.
Because of your wisdom and instruction, I have been learning to recognize the crocodile tears and the fake niceness that just sets me up for the next explosion of venom and disdain. Thank you.
Narcissists will also talk over you and never let you get a word in edgewise. They don't care what you have to say. To them your opinion is not of value UNLESS you are praising them or playing into their story someway.
Yes! They love to ask questions but cut you off many times before you can answer. Each time, they flip what you said on its head so as to blame you for some weird delusion they are making up as you talk. Then when you go no-contact, they double down on their efforts to, in their words, “get” you, while at the same time they call you a conspiracy theorist. Then they tell all and sundry how dysfunctional you are. New people will show up at your doorstep pretending to befriend you-and their maelstrom of the bizarre deepens. Call it “tri-strangulation.” Call it evil.
What I have discovered is that ny responses and participation are superfluous. I can safely not respond more than a word because they make up the narrative anyway - like autocorrect THEY ALWAYS either get the wrong word or fail to change tge most ovious errors
Keeping us off-balance and doubting ourselves/reality (gaslighting, anyone?) is how they get "paid!" There's a quote from the movie: "Guide for the married man" - "Deny, deny, deny!" A narc will certainly use that, but add in their driving agenda - "Supply, supply, supply!" Stay Healthy!!
It's a game and a strategy. Intentionally, deliberately, very often sneaky and subtly, induce confusion. They seem to be having fun, to watch the results. Slightly change the subject during the discussion. Or completely change topic during the discussion, especially when they seem like they are losing. Or misquote one person to another. Or "answer" a question, but it's actually an answer to a different question or point, that they want to say. Induce confusion just for their entertainment. This is crazy-making. So frustrating.
It’s like walking on eggshells and no matter how much you prepare the eggs so they don’t get crushed they’ll come up with a new “problem” out of nowhere and blows you away by the issue.
@43:11 YESSSSSS. They minimize whatever struggle you are sharing by talking about how their struggle is greater. It's like a competition to them. It's still shocking how well you describe my narcissist and what I thought were their unique quirks.😮
I think I’m just going to say it like that from now on, I have been dealing with someone who’s elevator doesn’t go to the top! You definitely don’t want to be dealing with people who’s elevators don’t go to the top! I love it🤣😂🤣we have to laugh because it’s so good to laugh when you have been through trauma like this!
33:23 The hitting someone in the head part, thats how a narcissist can make you feel with their word salad and acrobatic behaviours. They make you feel like you were run over by a car on your head.
Thank you Dr Carter, this is so helpful. I am glad you are seeking additional mecical care for your hoarse voice symptom. We want you healthy and strong. I am praying for an easy resolution. Yes, Gus has good energy. Enjoy your Day.
They love to use word salad to try and throw you off and when you play reverse psychology with them it hits them ugghhh ohh this dude is not one to play with.
I absolutely love you Dr. Carter. You and Dr. Ramani have helped me grow and understand narcissism so much and i can't thank you enough for all that you do.❤
This description is absolutely perfect : it is exactly what I observe on a daily basis. My mom is capable of justifying to herself and others any behavior -- outright lies that are very dangerous and destructive or twisting the truth for example -- anything she feels will bring her shame or anxiety and it's all related to her image : she has created a persona for herself when she was very young and has stuck to it come hell or high water. I have seen her losing her mind with narcissistic rage when I tried to challenge her beliefs or bring forth the hurt she causes me. She would rather have me dead than accept the truth, and I am her best supply, so... The difficulty lies in that she has good periods and is capable of exhibiting exceptionally good behavior. Everything is so enmeshed that it defies any logic and creates huge confusion, especially since she trains you into questioning yourself constantly, feeling guilty and responsible for everything. Narcissists have this "gift" of making you incapable of hating them or abandoning them, through constant, very profound and subtle manipulations of your good heart and creating powerful co-dependance. It is terrifying.
What i like about Dr. Carter is that he points out the dangerous possibilities of slipping into nasty ways like the narcissist's Habitual patterns and says not to.
They lord it over you when you get their help. When you feel like you'd do so much and you do for them happily help them. Then they see you as weak for helping them or they will even over look or cover up how much you do help
Hi Dr. Carter. Ive drawn so much strength and understanding from your videos. Im going through a challenging divorce with my wife of 21 yrs and Ive found your words so helpful in finding the strength and resolve to move forward despite the hurdles and anti-upping that has characterized our separation. I would like to make a request- Id love to hear you talk with Lindsay Gibson, author of “Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People” among other books. Her work is excellent and Id love so much to hear a conversation between the two of you. Please consider reaching out to her. thanks
I'm fairly new to Team Healthy and I have to tell you how much I enjoy watching/listening to your videos. For years I have been working to understand some family dynamics and your explanations and advice have really helped me understand so much of what has been happening in my family for probably most of my life. I'm especially greatful to be learning from you how to work/deal/engage with narcissists. It has helped me immensely when needing to communicate with some family members. I have been feeling more and more empowered to be me without being mean or nasty, which is such a food feeling! Thank you so much! Take care of your throat and I hope your doctor can give you some answers tomorrow!
Dr Carter, Thank you so much for your podcasts. I’m just now learning about Covert narcissism and it explains 43 years of a very dysfunctional marriage. It’s so helpful to finally be able to understand so many things that were going on, the narcissistic rage, silent treatment that sometimes lasted days, dishonesty and making up stories, lack of intimacy, truly I could go on for hours and just glad I’m no longer in this marriage, have been divorced now for about a year. I felt more single when I was married and that is the sad truth. 💛
I also could really relate when you talked about how when someone has a medical problem and the narcissist suddenly has that problem. This used to happen to me all the time and finally I just kept quiet if I had a problem because I didn’t want to hear him mimic my symptoms, it was so weird!
You described my life and marriage. 40 years in, 10 out, still trying to rebuild my self esteem. No contact helps a lot. Mostly happy now. May you thrive.
Yes Dr C, I can relate to the example of the man in the hospital. The taking over of my emotions, situations and pain has been frequent and I can track it all the way back to childhood. It's like that now and what finally woke me up. I'm really struggling and they've been a hinderence with their dysregulation, demands, criticisms, contempt, disdain, should and ought, name calling and personal attacks. Then they turn it round as them trying to get close! I don't consider laughter when im saying some thing emotive as 'close'. It's as if they think you're sick deliberately! They complain about those around them, but love to be the rescuer/hero(this is their strength, to be the 'fixer'). I'd love to move away, I cannot. Love to you and your family and I hope your throat gets better soon, it's gone on a long time. Hugs to gus ✌
Dear Gus! We all love Gus. My Lucky is having a procedure today. I love him so much. One of my slightly toxic friends who has come to stay with me for 40 years has told Lucky twice to 'shut up' when he barks. It cuts through me like a knife, because my mother used to tell me to shut up. She has taken many liberties with me and I have allowed her. Only now, towards the end of my life do I realise what an impact my toxic upbringing has had on me. I've put up with all sorts of maltreatment from people.
@@shirleyhunt8769 I don't think she'll be coming back. After 40 years I started dropping a few hints about guests and fish smelling after 3 days. She lashes out at me in anger when I am trying to do my best as a host. It's just one small example of how my family of origin's scapegoating of me has led me to tolerate poor behaviour from others. And this woman is only a mild case of maltreatment.
Anyone that has endured these relationships needs a Gus. My GSDs Grace and Gwen were my best friends during the last years of my nightmare of a marriage.
Their projections run deep. I remember sitting cross legged like all my class right in front of our teacher who asked a question for us . No one put up their hand for the answer except me. I waved my arm and looked around to see if anyone could see me waving. The teacher just wouldn't look at me and said no one's got the answer and gave it. I had the answer. Painful still.
Dr. C my covert malignant FIL raged on me in the past with my wife and 1 year old daughter right next to me. During this entire altercation I hardly had a chance to say anything on my behalf, so I kept my mouth shut. The whole time my wife was in disbelief sitting there crying. Not once did she stand up for me or say anything to defend me. I kept my mouth shut out of respect for her and her fathers relationship, however I felt overly disrespected by my wife because she didn't say anything to defend me in any way or even try and stop what was happening. I'm unable mentally to let it go, I continue to ruminate on it and it's been months. Is it wrong of me to hold onto that?
Dr Carter, it's so cute you talking about Gus. It teminds me of a time, when as a church group, we all had dinner at someone's house. Prior to the meal, the pastor prays & the pet parrot starts interrupting & saying, "I'm a dirty bird" repeatedly. So funny 🤣🤣🤣
I just thought of a new word for narcissists, emptythetic as opposed to empathetic. They're empty inside so they must act out by assuming they're more important, intelligent and powerful than others. They disguise their weakness by acting kind or caring when in reality they don't care about anything but being in control.
Thank you Dr. C. about your words about „healthy“ narcissism. Those attempts to trivialize and normalize narcissism, that is by definition harmful and destructive, bother me deeply.
Question dr c. Why do they feel it's okay to take out their anger and frustration at others on us. Then expect us to be close to them and want to be around and do things with them after all the disdain and contempt and downright nastyness
Does the bulk of narcissistic behavior a result of shame?..instead of learning healthy coping skills and communication! This can't be overstated! I am just amazed at the lack of thorough follow through on communication! Then it brings on blame but they didn't follow through in the first place. If your own ask you for help and you don't follow through HOW can you blame or be upset when they go to someone else? Sadly, that communication issue gets carried on. I don't know what to do to get to effective communication.
I’m really feeling heavy right now. I’ve decided to break up with my girlfriend. I don’t want to assume she’s a narcissist and I really do not know if I’m the problem. I’ve been trying to put my best foot forward and be positive but this week my muscles are tense and sore and my hands shake from the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been through with her this week. I just feel like I receive the consequences of other aspects of her life that cause her stress or anger, and I try to listen, but she tells me I don’t hear her and I’m selfish. She blew up at me for going out with my friends Sunday afternoon and accused me of having a crush on my friends wife. The next day she told me how grateful she was for me and that I’m a good man, and last night she’s back at telling me I don’t care about her and I’m self centered. I’m mentally exhausted and feel physically week. I’m trying to set up a time to break up in person out of respect, but also just wanna text and get it over with. I don’t hate her, and I’m not mad, I just don’t want that in my life anymore
I feel for u. If you've never knowingly done anything to set off her suspicions, then it sounds like you deserve better & are on a good path for yourself. Maybe a written letter? It's more than a text, she'll have to sit with it & think about what you're feeling, it might be therapeutic for u as u compose it... In the end she'll either try talking or tear up the paper. And it's your prerogative to include a boundary of, "No response needed or wanted," if that's where you're at. Good luck 💙
Let go. Yes it will hard for a bit. It will be MUCH WORSE for the whole time you are with her. The next steps will be working out why we (note I said WE) attract to that kind of person. The only thing I've found harder, is to NOT do that very real work. It will be ok. Hang in there for your well-being.
Some days it feels as if I’ll never fully recover from the abuse and I expect it to continue once I leave for good. As others have said, not enough people truly understand what narcissistic abuse is or the NPD condition. It’s a very serious issue and should be addressed as often as possible.
I commented earlier and you told me to keep learning, thank you! Honestly I just want you to know that this information has been life changing for me. It’s like a lightbulb turned on in my brain and i can’t quit reading and listening. I’ve also been listening to Dr Ramani. Just again, thanks- I’ve been so blessed to have the support of my children, family and friends, all who have worried about my safety because my ex husband was also very addicted to pain medication for years and spent most of his time in the garage or shed doing who knows what-😩
Dr. C, i appreciate your work so much❤ and beside that thankful🙏 as well. After narcissistic abuse, there are lots of bad days and especially when someone like me cannot even efforts a therapists and have no others support(because i belong from a narcissist family)and get into despair that i have nowhere/nobody to turn into, when you and others narcissistic coaches videos and information are the only source of healing and hope in life. Hope, that somedays get better and lead a healthy and happy life. Thank you so much!!
I love you Les!! I love what you say about what makes you feel good. Kindness, service, being with the most special little people in your life. I’m uncomfortable and baffled by how people can watch violence and enjoy it too. I’m grateful that I’m not the only person in the world that thinks all of this is heartbreaking and weird. In New Zealand it is almost a crime around some people to not watch rugby. I said to someone yesterday when they told me about a game on, oh I don’t watch rugby and they said, what! Jokingly I said, yeah I know, I commit a lot of crimes like that in this world.
Thank you! These questions/stories make me feel less alone. To your last question…. On the day that the doctors in the ICU told us that there was nothing else that they could do for our mom, who had a misdiagnosed critical illness, my sister caused a scene … crying for herself and how much weight she been losing due to her arthritis. “Hey! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” She hated that Mom was getting the attention and sympathy that she felt entitled to.
Totally agree about entertainment I stopped years ago watching movies that had violence. That's not entertainment entertainment. So I don't watch TV either. I read only things that put good in my mind. I know what's going on in the world just don't bathe my mind in the junk. So much happier.
So much confusion I went to a psychiatrist to see if I was out of contact with reality. He assured me I as not but it was long ago and narcissism was not mentioned.
I often tried to compromise or gave grace and often times the Narcissist refused to meet me halfway. The second they think you messed up, said the wrong thing, put the salt in the wrong place etc (every day was a new thing I could never prepare or forsee) he was done with me and I couldn’t be forgiven and he couldn’t extend grace. He always went back to growing up my Dad was in the military and I had a friend refuse to be my friend because he said I wasn’t worth it because I wouldn’t be there long enough and he’d say so I’ve learned not to trust anyone or rely on anyone or treat them good because they’ll always not be nice or refuse to be my friend or nice to me. He said and did a lot of things out of self preservation. He always told me he broke up with me and moved out to “protect me” from him even though my solution to how badly he treated me was you can acknowledge and see how bad you treat me then just change and do better. Why can’t we stay together and you correct your behavior? I never understood that.
This video comes at the right time and I am thankful I see and hear this video...I was thinking and asking these questions in my thoughts, yesterday most recent for what I am much aware of. Thank you thank you❤.
Hi Dr C 🥰 and my love to the amazing Gus! Soo ... here's a funny, yet totally true statement of how these toxic individuals think. In a conversation with them they will say, "Enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think about me?!!" 🙄🤦 They just canNOT refuse the temptation to make the conversation all about themselves!! Here's my best advice everyone ... FLEE!! 🙌😁😁
Someone mentioned Gabepentin ( sp?). Diff things work for diff ppl. Plus, if narcissists are suggested they ought to take something, they "claim" they're normal, we're not.
I totally and completely agree Dr C!! I can not stand fighting on any level. It is not entertaining to me. I couldn’t even watch the Hunger Games! Too upsetting.
Doctor Carter 🙂 , I hope that Doctor Carter's voice gets better really soon but still within a realistic time because it's a very important treatment to have the correct one or more. . . Look After You 🙂 Doctor Carter 🙂🥰
Dr C- your comments about your dedication to on-going service projects/volunteerism really struck a chord with me. I have some similar causes that I devote time to on a regular basis (and have for many years) and my narcissistic MIL mocks me in front of others for this. It puts me in a double bind because to defend myself sounds like I'm bragging or asking for affirmation/recognition. I could also ask her why she doesn't do anything for anyone else, but that would embarrass her and I don't want to go there. Any suggestions on how to respond when she begins with a question like "how's your dog rescue going?" then immediately begins belittling me for spending my time and resources on saving a bunch of stupid mutts.
Let her know…those mutts appreciate being loved, so it makes it worth my efforts. I like being loving. If she still complains let her know…we think differently.
Hi Dr Carter, I just wanted to agree about the entertainment industry being so cruel and mean. That doesn’t make me want to sit and use my time for something that only makes me feel bad! I prefer something that makes one feel good and enjoyable! . Thank you for sharing about your checking with your Doctor about your throat. I have been praying about it, and glad you you’re getting it checked. God Bless you and your family.👍
Oh..good,I just now hear you take some time of, maybe that's good also for your health, your voice...sorry again I forget the word about that health issue. Dr. Les, thank you again for this very good video❤.
I am in South Africa , the time difference is the Pitts to get online exactly at same time as Doctor Carter 🙂 is live. . . Still I am thrilled about Gus ♥️ getting attention even though he doesn't know he will when Doctor Carter🙂 and Mrs Carter 💖 tell him 🤣😂😅♥️ , he will enjoy it and I bet it's great for his health although Terriers are generally very happy with life and normally have many fans.
For whatever reason I had to search out this video today.. I had a dog that would get along with pretty much everyone but the people that he did not get along with I did not get along with.. I trusted his instincts over people.. I miss that dog.. I also want to mention that after watching your video about the lady that was married to the Wolf of Wallstreet yesterday I went down the RUclips rabbit hole and I watched a few clips of the movie and I watched some of the interviews of him.. I did my research..
3. Thermostat.. Interesting that you brought this up because I live in a condo complex and the HOA turned off our heat.. I just started using a space heater..
Once I detect someone is a narcissist I start using the Grey Rock Method. If the person I detect is a narcissist responds to the Grey Rock Method by doubling down on their abuse or notices that I'm not giving narcissistic supply anymore then it's evidence I'm dealing with a narcissist. The next step I take is look for the exit(Limited contact or no contact).
It’s not just the narcissist who hurts you.
It’s the people who take their side.
It’s the people who look the other way.
It’s the people who tell you to move on, or get over it.
It’s therapists untrained in personality disorders.
It’s the lack of healing help.
It’s the victim blaming.
It’s everyone who doesn’t understand narcissistic abuse.
Hi Dr. C & Family... for some reason I can't write a cmmt except for a reply to exactly what John speaks of. On point John! ✌️💜🌟 2:14
John, you are so right.
How right you are sir !
Well said!
"Nobody put a gun to your head", a social worker told me after crying and telling her I was forced to take drugs like he did (he was a functional drug addict) to keep the relationship going on. And I responded her simply by saying "coercive control." This social worker denied me therapy to build my self esteem in the only place in my town to treat women, even though I told her I needed exactly that and I can't afford therapy privately anymore. I got C-PTSD diagnosed by a private therapist and an inmune disease, both appeared after the last discard.
Because of your wisdom and instruction, I have been learning to recognize the crocodile tears and the fake niceness that just sets me up for the next explosion of venom and disdain. Thank you.
Keep learning!
3 years ago I started watching you. You saved my emotional well being.❤️❣️
Honored to accompany you on your journey!
17:55 "You can't fix stupid." -- I love this profound quote. 😆😁😅
Narcissists will also talk over you and never let you get a word in edgewise. They don't care what you have to say. To them your opinion is not of value UNLESS you are praising them or playing into their story someway.
Yes! They love to ask questions but cut you off many times before you can answer. Each time, they flip what you said on its head so as to blame you for some weird delusion they are making up as you talk.
Then when you go no-contact, they double down on their efforts to, in their words, “get” you, while at the same time they call you a conspiracy theorist. Then they tell all and sundry how dysfunctional you are. New people will show up at your doorstep pretending to befriend you-and their maelstrom of the bizarre deepens.
Call it “tri-strangulation.” Call it evil.
What I have discovered is that ny responses and participation are superfluous. I can safely not respond more than a word because they make up the narrative anyway - like autocorrect THEY ALWAYS either get the wrong word or fail to change tge most ovious errors
You will know them by their fruits (arrogance):
James 1:19
1 Corinthians 13:3-7
2 Timothy 3 🤏
John 16:33 💯
“People don’t abandon the people they love, they abandon the people they’re using.”
-Anonymous therapist
My ex fiance explained... thank you
yes
Of course, Gus is the Wonder Dog! ❤
Keeping us off-balance and doubting ourselves/reality (gaslighting, anyone?) is how they get "paid!" There's a quote from the movie: "Guide for the married man" - "Deny, deny, deny!" A narc will certainly use that, but add in their driving agenda - "Supply, supply, supply!" Stay Healthy!!
Literally the leadership of every communist country:
Matthew 19:24 🤏
1 Corinthians 13:3-7
2 Timothy 3 💯
John 16:33
It's a game and a strategy. Intentionally, deliberately, very often sneaky and subtly, induce confusion. They seem to be having fun, to watch the results. Slightly change the subject during the discussion. Or completely change topic during the discussion, especially when they seem like they are losing. Or misquote one person to another. Or "answer" a question, but it's actually an answer to a different question or point, that they want to say. Induce confusion just for their entertainment. This is crazy-making. So frustrating.
They are maniacal.
I am hoping that your throat feels better very soon Dr.C...you have become a valued member of our lives...Bless you ❤
So nice of you...thanks.
It’s like walking on eggshells and no matter how much you prepare the eggs so they don’t get crushed they’ll come up with a new “problem” out of nowhere and blows you away by the issue.
@43:11 YESSSSSS. They minimize whatever struggle you are sharing by talking about how their struggle is greater. It's like a competition to them. It's still shocking how well you describe my narcissist and what I thought were their unique quirks.😮
My narc older sister admitted she does utilize the “wear you down tactic”. Charming….
“Desolate wasteland and battlefield”….that’s what a selfish person creates.🎯
Your comments on pain management are timely and a new perspective for me 👍👌💪💪💪
Thankyou Doctor C for being there
You r so amazing, so comforting, so knowledgeable, and sooooo KIND 🙏🕊💗! Thank u and bless u Dr. C 💗💗🤗💗🕊🙏
🧿They love creating confusion/chaos/drama and twisting your words to turn people against you.🙂🧿🧿
Impossible at times? Impossible almost always 😳 😁 to have a reasonable conversation.
I think I’m just going to say it like that from now on, I have been dealing with someone who’s elevator doesn’t go to the top! You definitely don’t want to be dealing with people who’s elevators don’t go to the top! I love it🤣😂🤣we have to laugh because it’s so good to laugh when you have been through trauma like this!
33:23 The hitting someone in the head part, thats how a narcissist can make you feel with their word salad and acrobatic behaviours. They make you feel like you were run over by a car on your head.
Best of luck with the doctor appointment Dr. Carter.
Thank you Dr Carter, this is so helpful.
I am glad you are seeking additional mecical care for your hoarse voice symptom. We want you healthy and strong. I am praying for an easy resolution. Yes, Gus has good energy.
Enjoy your Day.
We need some Gus
merchandise!!!!
We all need to get in touch with our inner Gus!!! ❤❤❤
They love to use word salad to try and throw you off and when you play reverse psychology with them it hits them ugghhh ohh this dude is not one to play with.
You are my favourite wise uncle in the whole wide world❤
I absolutely love you Dr. Carter. You and Dr. Ramani have helped me grow and understand narcissism so much and i can't thank you enough for all that you do.❤
You are so kind. Thanks!
@@SurvivingNarcissism welcome! God bless 💖
Chat was extremely satisfying today. And there I sat in jeans and t-shirt. I didn’t get all Gussied up.
You're one of a kind, Aaron!
This description is absolutely perfect : it is exactly what I observe on a daily basis.
My mom is capable of justifying to herself and others any behavior -- outright lies that are very dangerous and destructive or twisting the truth for example -- anything she feels will bring her shame or anxiety and it's all related to her image : she has created a persona for herself when she was very young and has stuck to it come hell or high water.
I have seen her losing her mind with narcissistic rage when I tried to challenge her beliefs or bring forth the hurt she causes me.
She would rather have me dead than accept the truth, and I am her best supply, so...
The difficulty lies in that she has good periods and is capable of exhibiting exceptionally good behavior.
Everything is so enmeshed that it defies any logic and creates huge confusion, especially since she trains you into questioning yourself constantly, feeling guilty and responsible for everything.
Narcissists have this "gift" of making you incapable of hating them or abandoning them, through constant, very profound and subtle manipulations of your good heart and creating powerful co-dependance.
It is terrifying.
The "gift" that keeps on giving.
What i like about Dr. Carter is that he points out the dangerous possibilities of slipping into nasty ways like the narcissist's Habitual patterns and says not to.
They lord it over you when you get their help. When you feel like you'd do so much and you do for them happily help them. Then they see you as weak for helping them or they will even over look or cover up how much you do help
Hi Dr. Carter. Ive drawn so much strength and understanding from your videos. Im going through a challenging divorce with my wife of 21 yrs and Ive found your words so helpful in finding the strength and resolve to move forward despite the hurdles and anti-upping that has characterized our separation.
I would like to make a request- Id love to hear you talk with Lindsay Gibson, author of “Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People” among other books. Her work is excellent and Id love so much to hear a conversation between the two of you. Please consider reaching out to her.
thanks
I'm fairly new to Team Healthy and I have to tell you how much I enjoy watching/listening to your videos. For years I have been working to understand some family dynamics and your explanations and advice have really helped me understand so much of what has been happening in my family for probably most of my life. I'm especially greatful to be learning from you how to work/deal/engage with narcissists. It has helped me immensely when needing to communicate with some family members. I have been feeling more and more empowered to be me without being mean or nasty, which is such a food feeling! Thank you so much! Take care of your throat and I hope your doctor can give you some answers tomorrow!
Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤😊
Thank you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you 🙏
Dr Carter,
Thank you so much for your podcasts. I’m just now learning about Covert narcissism and it explains 43 years of a very dysfunctional marriage. It’s so helpful to finally be able to understand so many things that were going on, the narcissistic rage, silent treatment that sometimes lasted days, dishonesty and making up stories, lack of intimacy, truly I could go on for hours and just glad I’m no longer in this marriage, have been divorced now for about a year. I felt more single when I was married and that is the sad truth. 💛
Keep learning!
I also could really relate when you talked about how when someone has a medical problem and the narcissist suddenly has that problem. This used to happen to me all the time and finally I just kept quiet if I had a problem because I didn’t want to hear him mimic my symptoms, it was so weird!
You described my life and marriage. 40 years in, 10 out, still trying to rebuild my self esteem. No contact helps a lot. Mostly happy now. May you thrive.
How did you know they'd react to our assertiveness as "you are selfish"? 😅
Of course you'd know😂 Dr Carter
Narcissists are draining.
Thank you! Praying all goes well with your health🙏
Hi Dr Carter thank you so much
Thankyou Dr. C for another very informative chat. You really know your stuff💯💢😊
I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow with your appointment and that you get some answers! Thank you for all you do!
All praise, Gus
Yes Dr C, I can relate to the example of the man in the hospital. The taking over of my emotions, situations and pain has been frequent and I can track it all the way back to childhood. It's like that now and what finally woke me up. I'm really struggling and they've been a hinderence with their dysregulation, demands, criticisms, contempt, disdain, should and ought, name calling and personal attacks. Then they turn it round as them trying to get close! I don't consider laughter when im saying some thing emotive as 'close'. It's as if they think you're sick deliberately! They complain about those around them, but love to be the rescuer/hero(this is their strength, to be the 'fixer'). I'd love to move away, I cannot. Love to you and your family and I hope your throat gets better soon, it's gone on a long time. Hugs to gus ✌
Dear Gus! We all love Gus. My Lucky is having a procedure today. I love him so much.
One of my slightly toxic friends who has come to stay with me for 40 years has told Lucky twice to 'shut up' when he barks. It cuts through me like a knife, because my mother used to tell me to shut up.
She has taken many liberties with me and I have allowed her. Only now, towards the end of my life do I realise what an impact my toxic upbringing has had on me. I've put up with all sorts of maltreatment from people.
God bless hope you can tell her not to tell your dog to shut up or hit the highway😅❤❤❤❤❤
@@shirleyhunt8769 I don't think she'll be coming back. After 40 years I started dropping a few hints about guests and fish smelling after 3 days.
She lashes out at me in anger when I am trying to do my best as a host. It's just one small example of how my family of origin's scapegoating of me has led me to tolerate poor behaviour from others. And this woman is only a mild case of maltreatment.
Completely agree with you about sports that hurt others physically as well as relational “sport” that harms the soul.
The thermostat has a direct corrollation to the MEN-o-pause😂
Hello Dr C, thank you so much for these videos. Very helpful!! And hello to Gus. I had a cat named gus once. Have a great week!
I was born in Augusta, Ga. and that is where I got his name.
Thank you. It's been a long slow process of removing myself from narcissistic relationships. You have been most helpful.
I'm encouraged for you!
I need a Gus
Anyone that has endured these relationships needs a Gus. My GSDs Grace and Gwen were my best friends during the last years of my nightmare of a marriage.
Yes and you need to be a Gus😅.
This is Gus (Jesus):
1 Corinthians 13:3-7
Everyone needs Jesus (Grace & mercy - Ephesians 2:8-10).
I have Jehovah God in my life 🙏 thanks for sharing the scripture
Their projections run deep. I remember sitting cross legged like all my class right in front of our teacher who asked a question for us . No one put up their hand for the answer except me. I waved my arm and looked around to see if anyone could see me waving. The teacher just wouldn't look at me and said no one's got the answer and gave it. I had the answer. Painful still.
🫂
@@t_nels what is the emoji please?
@@rossanderson5243 A Hug, I'm sorry that happened to you.
@@t_nels Thank you. I appreciate you caring as well.
They love to control
Dr. C my covert malignant FIL raged on me in the past with my wife and 1 year old daughter right next to me. During this entire altercation I hardly had a chance to say anything on my behalf, so I kept my mouth shut. The whole time my wife was in disbelief sitting there crying. Not once did she stand up for me or say anything to defend me. I kept my mouth shut out of respect for her and her fathers relationship, however I felt overly disrespected by my wife because she didn't say anything to defend me in any way or even try and stop what was happening. I'm unable mentally to let it go, I continue to ruminate on it and it's been months. Is it wrong of me to hold onto that?
Thank you Dr. Carter, and greetings from 6700 mi. away! We were somewhat neighbors over a decade ago; I used to live in Dallas 😊
Me too!
I lived near Preston Rd and Forest. Been in Waco a little over 3 years.
@@SurvivingNarcissism My God, what a small world! You were in Plano, I lived near Alcott and Fitzhugh; just south of SMU!
Dr Carter, it's so cute you talking about Gus. It teminds me of a time, when as a church group, we all had dinner at someone's house. Prior to the meal, the pastor prays & the pet parrot starts interrupting & saying, "I'm a dirty bird" repeatedly. So funny 🤣🤣🤣
When our rector comes over, Gus says, Bless me for I have slept too much.
I just thought of a new word for narcissists, emptythetic as opposed to empathetic. They're empty inside so they must act out by assuming they're more important, intelligent and powerful than others. They disguise their weakness by acting kind or caring when in reality they don't care about anything but being in control.
That made me chuckle.
That is a lovely color for a shirt Dr C. 💜
Thank you Dr. C. about your words about „healthy“ narcissism. Those attempts to trivialize and normalize narcissism, that is by definition harmful and destructive, bother me deeply.
Question dr c. Why do they feel it's okay to take out their anger and frustration at others on us. Then expect us to be close to them and want to be around and do things with them after all the disdain and contempt and downright nastyness
Does the bulk of narcissistic behavior a result of shame?..instead of learning healthy coping skills and communication!
This can't be overstated!
I am just amazed at the lack of thorough follow through on communication! Then it brings on blame but they didn't follow through in the first place. If your own ask you for help and you don't follow through HOW can you blame or be upset when they go to someone else? Sadly, that communication issue gets carried on. I don't know what to do to get to effective communication.
Thank you!❤
You're welcome
I’m really feeling heavy right now. I’ve decided to break up with my girlfriend. I don’t want to assume she’s a narcissist and I really do not know if I’m the problem. I’ve been trying to put my best foot forward and be positive but this week my muscles are tense and sore and my hands shake from the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been through with her this week. I just feel like I receive the consequences of other aspects of her life that cause her stress or anger, and I try to listen, but she tells me I don’t hear her and I’m selfish. She blew up at me for going out with my friends Sunday afternoon and accused me of having a crush on my friends wife. The next day she told me how grateful she was for me and that I’m a good man, and last night she’s back at telling me I don’t care about her and I’m self centered. I’m mentally exhausted and feel physically week. I’m trying to set up a time to break up in person out of respect, but also just wanna text and get it over with. I don’t hate her, and I’m not mad, I just don’t want that in my life anymore
I feel for u. If you've never knowingly done anything to set off her suspicions, then it sounds like you deserve better & are on a good path for yourself. Maybe a written letter? It's more than a text, she'll have to sit with it & think about what you're feeling, it might be therapeutic for u as u compose it... In the end she'll either try talking or tear up the paper. And it's your prerogative to include a boundary of, "No response needed or wanted," if that's where you're at. Good luck 💙
Let go. Yes it will hard for a bit. It will be MUCH WORSE for the whole time you are with her.
The next steps will be working out why we (note I said WE) attract to that kind of person. The only thing I've found harder, is to NOT do that very real work.
It will be ok. Hang in there for your well-being.
I hope you left this person and God bless
Some days it feels as if I’ll never fully recover from the abuse and I expect it to continue once I leave for good. As others have said, not enough people truly understand what narcissistic abuse is or the NPD condition. It’s a very serious issue and should be addressed as often as possible.
Gus is the chillest dog
I commented earlier and you told me to keep learning, thank you! Honestly I just want you to know that this information has been life changing for me. It’s like a lightbulb turned on in my brain and i can’t quit reading and listening. I’ve also been listening to Dr Ramani. Just again, thanks- I’ve been so blessed to have the support of my children, family and friends, all who have worried about my safety because my ex husband was also very addicted to pain medication for years and spent most of his time in the garage or shed doing who knows what-😩
You are quite welcome.
Dr. C, i appreciate your work so much❤ and beside that thankful🙏 as well. After narcissistic abuse, there are lots of bad days and especially when someone like me cannot even efforts a therapists and have no others support(because i belong from a narcissist family)and get into despair that i have nowhere/nobody to turn into, when you and others narcissistic coaches videos and information are the only source of healing and hope in life. Hope, that somedays get better and lead a healthy and happy life.
Thank you so much!!
I love you Les!! I love what you say about what makes you feel good. Kindness, service, being with the most special little people in your life. I’m uncomfortable and baffled by how people can watch violence and enjoy it too. I’m grateful that I’m not the only person in the world that thinks all of this is heartbreaking and weird. In New Zealand it is almost a crime around some people to not watch rugby. I said to someone yesterday when they told me about a game on, oh I don’t watch rugby and they said, what! Jokingly I said, yeah I know, I commit a lot of crimes like that in this world.
Thank you! These questions/stories make me feel less alone. To your last question…. On the day that the doctors in the ICU told us that there was nothing else that they could do for our mom, who had a misdiagnosed critical illness, my sister caused a scene … crying for herself and how much weight she been losing due to her arthritis. “Hey! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” She hated that Mom was getting the attention and sympathy that she felt entitled to.
Totally agree about entertainment I stopped years ago watching movies that had violence. That's not entertainment entertainment. So I don't watch TV either. I read only things that put good in my mind. I know what's going on in the world just don't bathe my mind in the junk. So much happier.
I just turn your voice on to feel better, Doctor.
I can show respect even when I don't feel respected. I really love that Dr. C! So true. Thank you for reminding us!
Aha...so it's power of rationalization and justification.
Love Gus ❤
You kinda want the narcissist to realize that what you're doing, is what they do. "See? It doesn't feel so good, does it!" Never works.
So much confusion I went to a psychiatrist to see if I was out of contact with reality. He assured me I as not but it was long ago and narcissism was not mentioned.
you have such a beautiful way of placing me in the moment, thank you
So pleased!
Oh my gosh. Ive been through all this. It sucks!!! So hard to deal with.😭😭😭
I often tried to compromise or gave grace and often times the Narcissist refused to meet me halfway. The second they think you messed up, said the wrong thing, put the salt in the wrong place etc (every day was a new thing I could never prepare or forsee) he was done with me and I couldn’t be forgiven and he couldn’t extend grace. He always went back to growing up my Dad was in the military and I had a friend refuse to be my friend because he said I wasn’t worth it because I wouldn’t be there long enough and he’d say so I’ve learned not to trust anyone or rely on anyone or treat them good because they’ll always not be nice or refuse to be my friend or nice to me. He said and did a lot of things out of self preservation. He always told me he broke up with me and moved out to “protect me” from him even though my solution to how badly he treated me was you can acknowledge and see how bad you treat me then just change and do better. Why can’t we stay together and you correct your behavior? I never understood that.
This video comes at the right time and I am thankful I see and hear this video...I was thinking and asking these questions in my thoughts, yesterday most recent for what I am much aware of. Thank you thank you❤.
Hi Dr C 🥰 and my love to the amazing Gus! Soo ... here's a funny, yet totally true statement of how these toxic individuals think. In a conversation with them they will say, "Enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think about me?!!" 🙄🤦 They just canNOT refuse the temptation to make the conversation all about themselves!! Here's my best advice everyone ... FLEE!! 🙌😁😁
Yep!!
Someone mentioned Gabepentin ( sp?). Diff things work for diff ppl. Plus, if narcissists are suggested they ought to take something, they "claim" they're normal, we're not.
I see right through the confusion mine tries to put on me and it does hurt, but it hurts even more being confused.
I totally and completely agree Dr C!! I can not stand fighting on any level. It is not entertaining to me. I couldn’t even watch the Hunger Games! Too upsetting.
Doctor Carter 🙂 , I hope that Doctor Carter's voice gets better really soon but still within a realistic time because it's a very important treatment to have the correct one or more. . . Look After You 🙂 Doctor Carter 🙂🥰
Thank you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Most Welcome 😁
We ❤ Gus!
My narc sister literally said “I didn’t get enough of you, I feel gypped”. This was when I started drawing lines in the sand. 😊
Dr C- your comments about your dedication to on-going service projects/volunteerism really struck a chord with me. I have some similar causes that I devote time to on a regular basis (and have for many years) and my narcissistic MIL mocks me in front of others for this. It puts me in a double bind because to defend myself sounds like I'm bragging or asking for affirmation/recognition. I could also ask her why she doesn't do anything for anyone else, but that would embarrass her and I don't want to go there. Any suggestions on how to respond when she begins with a question like "how's your dog rescue going?" then immediately begins belittling me for spending my time and resources on saving a bunch of stupid mutts.
Let her know…those mutts appreciate being loved, so it makes it worth my efforts. I like being loving. If she still complains let her know…we think differently.
Hi Dr Carter, I just wanted to agree about the entertainment industry being so cruel and mean. That doesn’t make me want to sit and use my time for something that only makes me feel bad! I prefer something that makes one feel good and enjoyable! . Thank you for sharing about your checking with your Doctor about your throat. I have been praying about it, and glad you you’re getting it checked. God Bless you and your family.👍
Thanks, Susan!
Oh..good,I just now hear you take some time of, maybe that's good also for your health, your voice...sorry again I forget the word about that health issue. Dr. Les, thank you again for this very good video❤.
Hi to Gus!, the best guy in town!
I am in South Africa , the time difference is the Pitts to get online exactly at same time as Doctor Carter 🙂 is live. . . Still I am thrilled about Gus ♥️ getting attention even though he doesn't know he will when Doctor Carter🙂 and Mrs Carter 💖 tell him 🤣😂😅♥️ , he will enjoy it and I bet it's great for his health although Terriers are generally very happy with life and normally have many fans.
I am your age Doc and deal with scratchy throat, too, quite frustrating; You sound better to me, health to you!
Ugh.
I don't think there is such a thing as "normal".
"Who hurt you?"
Hi Team Healthy!
Have you or will you do an interview with Natalie Hoffman? You two would be great together. Both much appreciated!
For whatever reason I had to search out this video today.. I had a dog that would get along with pretty much everyone but the people that he did not get along with I did not get along with.. I trusted his instincts over people.. I miss that dog..
I also want to mention that after watching your video about the lady that was married to the Wolf of Wallstreet yesterday I went down the RUclips rabbit hole and I watched a few clips of the movie and I watched some of the interviews of him.. I did my research..
1. Happy.. I would say there is a difference between happy and joy or peace..
2. Pain.. Pain is a good motivator to do something else..
3. Thermostat.. Interesting that you brought this up because I live in a condo complex and the HOA turned off our heat.. I just started using a space heater..
4. Desolate wasteland and battlefield.. I first need to ask myself if I want to be part of that..
5. Shield from shame.. I would ask if shame is a good thing..
I see in My mind the movies Rocky, now in a different way. 😊
Thanks
Thank you.
DRC!🤗
💕💕💕gus
Once I detect someone is a narcissist I start using the Grey Rock Method. If the person I detect is a narcissist responds to the Grey Rock Method by doubling down on their abuse or notices that I'm not giving narcissistic supply anymore then it's evidence I'm dealing with a narcissist. The next step I take is look for the exit(Limited contact or no contact).
You get it.
Hugs and kisses to guss
Gus thanks you!