I tried for two years to address my wants/needs/boundaries with my mother. Nothing encouraged her bad behavior more. For my peace, I cut off contact. It was difficult but I have had to simply accept the fact that she could not respect my needs as a person.
I feel your pain. My mother always left me hurt and disappointed because she just never seemed to do the loving motherly thing. I finally just came to the place, in my heart, to emotionally let my mother go. And once I was able to do that, I gained such a sense of peace. I still go through the motions of honoring my mother on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas, etc... But, I don't have any expectations of her as a mom. I freely give her love, without expecting anything from her. However, that doesn't mean that I engage in long phone conversations. Not at all. I'm strictly polite and cordial. That's all the narcissist wants anyway. Because they have such poor relational skills. In other words, my mother isn't my friend. She's just the woman that birthed me. However, I will continue to treat her with kindness, dignity and respect.
I did the same. Even engaged a female officer to intervene in a "kind" manner. That finally worked. But.. my mother never understood why and simply could not change. Eventually, she succumbed to crippling osteoporosis and was bed ridden. That changed her behaviour. Became gentler and more humble. Unfortunately, she passed on without comprehending why I had to do what I had to do. The rest of the family members remain lost and self absorbed. The narcissistic behaviour spread to all family members and what small extended family we had. Some male members were so bad, that I had to threaten involvement by police authorities. This all was a cultural defence mechanism that came about when immigrating to North America. It was the family's coping mechanism and it self-destructed everything. I turned out to be different. First, the black sheep, later the white sheep. I was different. Extremely sensitive, emotionally cognizant and self-aware. I now feel sorry for them, but have solidified my resolve to learn all I can about this character deficiency and spread the word. We can't live in an empty unfulfilling nightmare created by such a lack of knowledge of self. "Know thyself.." was written on ancient pre-diluvian megaliths by people that had conquered their minds. We need to do the same, put away our childish need for 👍gratification and become mindful. Self-aware enough to stop loosing our minds and learning to live emotionally regulated happy lives. It's time to tackle this. Time to move on and be responsible for our feelings and reactions. Peace.
Thank you Doctor Carter. Today I realized, after 47 years with my husband and living with him from age 22 and he was 33, I am codependent. I have a pathological defensiveness and only understand it now. He just turned 80 and I am turning 69 in July. I match him in many ways that I'm ashamed of. Listening to you for three months now, I am so grateful that I'm understanding what this cat-and-mouse game is all about. I'm playing the game less and less, but it's still catches me off-guard. Thank you again. I will continue to listen and watch your videos and I'm so grateful for all that you have done for me and other people. Thank you so much. God bless your work.
My ex-narcissist had a bizarre reaction when I told him that if he did not take care of himself, then I certainly would not take care of him. Dr. C just gave me a new perspective on that - the narcissist felt that he was entitled to my care, that I owed it to him, and that I had no right not to provide care. I divorced the narcissist, so I guess I had a choice not to provide care.
You and your teachings have helped me greatly through the last 3-4 years!! I so very much appreciate the time you’ve dedicated to helping all people who’s lives have been affected by narcissistic abuse. Thank you
Dr. Carter your videos revealing the narcissist behaviour and the underlying thought processes that drive their behaviour has helped me realize that my perceptions of the N’s thinking were accurate. So now I really trust my perceptions and I recognize when he is twisting reality. God bless you in your gracious service to those of us who have suffered greatly.
i was just telling Dr. Ramani how grateful I am to you and her for helping me out of this horrible mess. What would have happened to me if I had not found the both of you!!!!!!!
"There are simply some things that you can't ever resolve." Yes, indeed, Dr. C! Beyond true! Acceptance is our wisdom and our salvation. Great question: "Who am a going to be given my exposure to this person?" Briliiant!
Your videos have helped me so much. At 47 years old I found out my dad wasn’t my biological dad (unbeknownst to my dad, who was dying at the time) My mother turned my entire family against me when I revealed the truth. My best friends, who were with me through everything (and still are today) were called flying monkeys. I didn’t know what that term meant… then I started researching and found your channel. I realized my mother is what she accused me of and things made a lot more sense. She never was wrong and I called her out on a huge wrong. In return, she lashed out and has turned many family members (including 2 of my 4 children) against me. I have moved away and separated from her. Some family members have reached out and sympathized, but no one is willing to stand up to my mom. I am struggling with losing my 2 sons. The rest of it I can let go of, but and just cannot let go of that pain.
I was 48 when I had the revelation, that I don’t need my ‘family of origin’. My mother being the main controller and a highly Narcissistic person , I finally figured it all out. I wasn’t wanted in that circle, I’ve always been the black sheep , youngest of 4 siblings, and not at all like any them , which is a blessing . I always wished I wasn’t blood related !!! Family isn’t always blood, just remember that and keep strong , you’re not alone !
@@libbyjean8573 Ah you were the scapegoat weren't you?Narcs & their flying 🐒 s typically end up treating you as the scapegoat when you refuse to join their dysfunctional system.Personally I 💭 all scapegoats should wear that title as a badge of pride when they refuse to play along...We're the BEST kind of "troublemakers"😉👍🏻👍🏻.The cycle-breakers often realize from a fairly young age that they just don't fit in with the narc system.
@@malwads1836 That’s exactly true! They’re afraid of us for having our own independent strength , it infuriates them to see us mice in happily without them! Cheers!!
My mother is a narcissist. My Dad he passed in 2016. He kept the balance in the family. He always had to reel her in. Meaning he would smooth over the choppy waters whenever she'd caused friction in the family. He was the only one that could get her straight. Now he gone and she is all over the place.
Amen. I really thought it was me and I was a "lost cause" no matter what you do ie: trying to be nicer, be better....making them happy, or standing up for yourself, you get clobbered! So grateful to have found you all. ☮️
Dr.C I've been listening to you for over a year along with Dr. R. And therapy has helped tremendously . It's now 15 months after the Narcissist husband died. I have now found myself and who I really am. Moved away from my husband's family . .....selling my Home and property was the best thing for me to do for my emotional and mental health. I have finally found peace and harmony in a new area, a new home and neighbor. Leaving behind the bitter feeling and taking with me the Sweet Memories . His family is predominately narcissist. It was a no win situation for me. Should I stay or should I go???? Go and don't Look Back! Moving forward in N.C. THSNKD DR. C.
I notice some people like to put me down by saying that I am negative. To me, it seems people label you negative when they just don't like what you say or who you are. To me, it seems like it's just a way of putting you down. My partner says I am not negative at all.
Yeah, listen to your partner and people who are on your side. Ask a professional if you have to, but I'm pretty sure the "you're being negative" people are just gaslighting you!
I have watched so many videos on narcissism. They are very informative & helpful. Thank you ! Reading comments by so many people that are affected by this type of treatment is truly mind boggling. I’m 6 months out of a 24 yr marriage and am now believing I was not at all the way I was made to feel ( worthless). I took him back 4 times in our marriage. Finally in the end I saved my life myself. I emerged like the lotus from the mud to recover all that was mine from the start. Trauma based therapy long before I discarded him. I know NOW I had no business trying to help with his childhood trauma. He self medicated, relapsed many times, rather than dive into his pain. Narc/addict is a terrible combination. I had to dive into my damage as the empath. Glad I did,history will not be repeated. Keep sharing, it helps more than one knows.
Am I one of the few that feels sorry for their covert Narcissist? I was with my wife since grade school. (I am 62 now) It was only looking at our lives together and learning (Thanks Dr. Carter) that I realized the full extent of her control. It was only through the rear view mirror that I realized that all of the trust I put in her, was being being used to manipulate almost my every move. My STBX suffers from very high anxiety, she is really not a bad person. It just seems to me, that the defect is stronger than she can ever be. However, I can give 100+ examples of her lack of empathy and her inability to take any responsibility. Sometimes, I want to forgive her and give her another chance, but I know the cycle will just continue. Still, I hope that she can find peace.
Was looking for Angela Nicoletti to respond to her comment at 39:36 about "The Ruminator Song" idea... YES, that's exactly what I'm talking bout' {;o) Metal song title idea: "Rumination of Abuse" (possible lyrics, just freestylin') Thoughts getting stirred all around Remembrance of words you screamed abound When will this heal and go away Long for the warmth of a better day Rumination of Abuse Haunting me Rumination of Abuse Can't you see Rumination of Abuse Forget the past Rumination of Abuse This too shall PASS! You won't make a victim from a survivor Painfully obvious, ur no love provider Once I break free I'll try to forget And live my life with no regret! Rumination of Abuse Memories are dead Rumination of Abuse From inside my head Rumination of Abuse Now I'll see Rumination of Abuse How to break FREE! It's over now that you think you've won I can't believe anyone is that dumb Now that ur dead from inside of me Doubt you'll become a good human being (Shred guitar solo) (Bridge Riff, change key and tempo) (Last chorus) Rumination of Abuse NOT Haunting me Rumination of Abuse I know you can't see Rumination of Abuse You're so insane Rumination of Abuse Now I QUIT ur GAME!! (outro clean riff)
The lying is just insane. Wife goes to church semi-weekly, weekly bible studies, monthly women’s groups. Each sermon has been on narcissism in one way or another since 7/13/22. Has my wife stopped lying? Nope
My mercy dude, if she has indulgence, let her run wild, the trip is not over, and this is from someone, you knows this church business, look at me im good, my Doctor can tell you everything dude, ya feel me, but im crazy but you better hang on to love, beg for mercy
She is similar to my Covert, psychotic, pathological, malignant and non-communicative narc "mother". She lied about just about anything and everything. She could have been a politician.👿👿👿👿👿
Wow, that must be so difficult to see, that she's not applying it to herself. The lying is insane indeed, so much it makes one doubt their own sanity sometimes.
Yes I had that happen. My friend told me repeatedly I was angry. When I protested it made no difference. That was 35 yrs ago. I wish I had known then exactly who and what I was dealing with. I have finally gone NO with her and am glad to be rid of her and her obstinate controlling ways.
Dear Dr Carter, thank you for your priceless service to humanity. Your teachings and insights have allowed me to reclaim my own life back...one video at a time. It's been a long journey that started with awful desperation 😢 progressing through the different healing stages up to a sense of physical and inner strength 💪 😅 I'm not quite healed yet, my body still responds to stress signals in ways I cannot control and it takes me days to recover 😮 but now I know I will recover and my fear response will slowly end and I will feel ok again ❤❤❤
Dr. C. your answer to question 1 was confirmation that I've come to the correct or healthy resolution for the tragic death of my mother who was abused and killed by my highly narcissistic father. It has been so hard to process, partly because I had no idea he would go that far and she was so bonded to him that she protected him and what he was doing to her. However, her death has made me search out answers and as a result, I discovered what Narcissism is and the various flavors of it from you and a few others. Thank you for all of your videos, they have been very therapeutic for me! I have also realized that I am also married to a narcissist and I am determined to do things better than my parents did!
I was raised by a narcissistic father & an empathetic mother & struggled so badly with conflict resolution. When I’m triggered I get so frustrated & start to yell. How can I learn how to control my responses? I don’t want to react this way anymore. It makes me feel like such a bad person.
@@MsGlitterBombz All I’ve ever wanted was a normal life with someone & it hurts to not have it. I watched my mom go though so much with my dad & I vowed not to date anyone like him until my last relationship. I found myself yelling & losing control because he behaved just like my father. I still feel broken & confused by all of it which is how I ended up here.
I can relate. I asked around, and the common answer is always... "Walk away 1st! Tell them you need a minute to think about what they are saying. Design a specific answer for each specific Attack." Write them down if you have to. Once you have a response for each attack, then go back, ask them to let you answer before they speak. If they then get mad about your response, just say, "I don't want to argue about it, can we pick this up later when we both feel better?" Typically it defuses the entire situation.
Dr. Carter, thank you for your hard work you put.into your videos. I have learned so very much from you regarding Narcissm. You have brought my life back to center where it should be. I believe I've mostly overcome the horrible emotional abuse my Narcissistic mother heaps on me (she is a Human Woodchipper!). I've come to understand & recognize the utter toxicity she shovels out. Thank you for educating all of us. I know that my life has improved dramatically; I'm now a member of team healthy ❤
I had over 40 years of struggle with my mother and her narc. control systems. At one point, I had to cut contact which, being adopted, was my worst nightmare and actually left me at the mercy of an even more narcissistic husband to whom I was married for 22 years. My Mum later "apologized" and though she never admitted it to me, did say , " I have decided to stop being mean!" Took me a while to work that out, lol especially as there were a few small changes evident. I was gobsmacked to realise she had known all along how nasty she was! Even more, that it was deliberate behaviour. I had merely thought it a personality misunderstanding on her side, and, apparently, on mine! After i finally left my husband, she tried to insist i go back to him. They actually became friends after years of warfare where I was the bone between two dogs! Sadly, I only left after my husband asked me to go for my own safety and once I left, I realised I would likely not survive a return. (He had made several attempts to harm me- glass in my food, for example. My Mum and i did come to a state of peace before she passed on. She had severe Osteo arthritis (which i also now have ,kinda weird , huh? But I am highly sensitive, energetically speaking, and can pick up symptoms from other people. My Mum died a few years ago , from bowel cancer, and I still miss the mother I wanted to have! But i also released her at the time from returning and teaching me my life lessons .
I believe any father that treats his kids badly, was himself treated that way in his childhood, but they won't admit it. Therefore, when she asks him "How would it make you feel if your dad treated you that way?" His only answer should be, "He did." IMHO
Thanks very much, Dr.C. I have an adult child, both highly educated and working as a successful professional. This child is admired by many people, and in numerous aspects of life, functions extremely well. Unfortunately, if I dare to do something “unacceptable”, I will likely receive the silent treatment for an undetermined amount of time. There is no willingness to talk things over, I’m simply “ canceled.”
A guiding principle I use: If they have an inability to communicate effectively, or otherwise, there may be an underlying serious psychological issue. And it can be .. .. narcissism!
I get that accusation about being angry ALL the time! It has been thirty years of it. Sometimes I am cross and certainly, if pressed I can find dozens of causes, but my focus is usually elsewhere.. I am doing the gray rock bit and it is saving time and energy. This "relationship" is exhausting.
Nuts is right, Dr. C. Spot on! We appreciate you keeping it real. Baiting is such a good topic, something that Dr. Ramani recently spoke about as well. I think a long video about this would help because it’s such a massive topic. Love these live feeds. Thanks, Dr. C 🙏🏽
Dear Doc., You are so right on target! At the beginning of this very helpful video, you describe a narc mother going silent. You were describing my mom exactly! Every word. It's as if you were there, watching how my mom acted. Your great wisdom is such a very needed godsend! So grateful. 🧡
Dr C, I did have that conversation with mom later in life and it was exactly like you said! She could not, COULD NOT, empathize and normalize. At the time I resolved myself to understand it was my failing. After all, she was soooo hurt! So mad!…and she was my mom! But I followed my eventually found the tools I needed to answer my gut feelings, etc., and began to normalize. But I believe it’s different for a child of a narcissist because they are constantly, from birth, writing on our white board with indelible ink. Please comment with your thoughts on this
Thank You from Germany. I just divorced my now Ex-husband and I wish I would have found ur Channel way earlier in my relationship. I appreciate Ur Input and a lot of the questions asked here hit home.
I had already cut my mother off before she died. My problem was coming to terms with the fact that she was never going to say she was sorry. Not that she would anyway, but there was always a hope.
We all have wishfull thinking and the what if's and why not's, etc. The way for me to keep my sanity is to practice radical acceptance. It is what it is, it's not going to change unless there's some supernatural epiphony or event. Chances of that? Mmm not all that good.
@@sthomas4634 Have decided to apply it not only to the narcissist but to the "normal" people I know. Nobody is likely to change so may as well accept it and minimise the disappointments.
Another excellent episode!!! The Q&A sessions are SO HELPFUL!!! I just learned what codependency is with narcissism. I have learned and bucked the system of codependency. I saw how my father treated my mother and us. He would come home in a bad mood, start an argument which ended in him dumping it all on us and then he was in a great mood. So I learned that one early on and avoided the trap. Re: My husband’s passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatment and lack of punctuality. I’ve created workarounds for these three things so my husband’s behavior no longer affects me, but I thought I’d share my favorites -like others have here-“the silent treatment.” I am still amazed every time he gets angry with me, refuses to work it out or discuss a problem, then goes silent for days. It now lasts 2-5 days; but when we first married, he could go 10-12 days if I did something that went against his reality somehow🙄. Back then, it made me nervous, insecure, and afraid; however, now after 35 years of marriage, I have learned that IF WE ARGUE, he WILL go SILENT on me FOR DAYS. Do I know it’s wrong to use this information to my advantage?Absolutely! But sometimes it’s the only way I can get peace and quiet. “I’m sorry, what? You’re giving me the silent treatment…you think that’s punishment?!!” …silent treatment… Don’t threaten me with a good time!!🤭😜👍🏼 Punctuality. If we’re going to a party or a neighbors house or a movie or dinner with a reservation with friends, I simply lie to him by 30 to 45 minutes about the time we’re supposed to be there. This way, we’re out the door on time, we have time to get gas or have a drink at the bar before everyone else arrives. For some reason, he does not learn. He knows I lie to him about the time, he rarely calculate the time I lie to him by into his “get ready time,” my workaround works.
I am in Spain for one month and corresponding in a friendly way with my sister, the only one to remember early childhood holidays here with my parents in the 1950s. Quite friendly but I still don't trust her. So sad because of our long sad history.
Always helpful ! I have been guilty of taking the bait . So grateful to you for this education! Priceless, Thank you again. Always learn something every video.
Dr. Carter, would you be kind as to talk more about training "Emotional Competence"? You mentioned it a couple of times as means to help children not grow into narcissists. Can you also recommend good books or lectures on the subject. I grew up in a narcissistic family and only went no contact a year and a half ago. I'm trying to retrain myself but also want to ensure I'm teaching my little one (a toddler) how to grow into an emotionally healthy, kind, and empathetic young man and not unknowingly pass to him all the emotional baggage I carry.
The true extent of the damage done by my narcissistic mother didn’t reveal itself until she died. Everything I tried to do to be a supportive and loving daughter somehow turned into me always in the middle of drama and running for cover. After every encounter with my family I ended up going silent, withdrawing, having no contact - not attending family gatherings and so I was being labelled passive aggressive and narcissistic! I could not do anything right! Now I know my mother invested years in bringing my character down in peoples eyes. My own mother had spun lies about me to everyone she knew so she would always be supported no matter how bad her behaviour was. She was perceived as the one suffering and that my son and sister and I were the cause. She told lies to my sister and my son as well against me and likewise so we were always in conflict with each other. Years of this multilevel abuse has caused so much inflammation in my body and joints I can’t walk far because of the pain. I am dis-‘abled’ by dis-‘ease’. I’ve realised the only way forward is to cut them all out of my life and at 66 years old start again. How do you get over the grief of losing what you never had and always wanted - a loving supportive family.
Once again, two more terms I wish had early on to help bring clarity to the chaos. Intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing. Wow. After the love bombing assault dating, then marriage, here came the devaluing and the discard program. The last year of the 3 years I had this glimmer of hope but it was only these awesome terms of intermittent reinforcement (manipulation, cheating lies) and breadcrumbing. Hey fool, I'll throw you a bone here and there. Imagine going to a 5 Star restaurant, the waitress serves your plates, and all of a sudden someone M or F comes over and puts their hands in your plate. I liken that analogy to cheating in a marriage. I don't want it. Dr. Carter, thank you so much. I have learned so much.
Missed yesterday by “that much,” DrC! I finally got to take a real lunch from the store haha and thought I might tune into the live chat but then my accountant had some paperwork I needed to fill out and my “almost real lunch” turned into a working lunch again haha. My feet are so sore and my son and I are tired as Gus haha but our hearts are full and happy and we are having a blast! Everyone who’s been in the store say how needed it is in our community- so yay! I am still listening to your videos, mostly on the way to and from work now so I rarely get to comment. Decided to go in early today and catch up before we get busy. You said something in an earlier video this week that I am hoping to go back and listen again… something about our “inner something” pertaining to how we get to be the judge of ourselves. I so appreciate the way you state things! Loved this week’s podcast with DrM! Have a great rest of your week! Tell Jennifer hello 💜
You are one very busy girl...and I'm so encouraged that things are moving in the right direction. I know that even when you can't be with us all, your spirit is in the right place. Keep it up!!!!
sounds like gaslighting to me. If I KNOW my way isn't to think or speak negative of ""everyone'" and that is the line that comes at me when I Thought I could share with a good friend?? I call it gaslighting.
I'm with you Dr.C...It really IS something else when you 👀 a narcissist staring truth in the face & they refuse to recognize it even if it would actually BENEFIT THEMSELVES & their own life ultimately🤯.My own narc father countless times treated me poorly since I was a young child & not ONCE has it ever registered for him that someday he'll be old and frail and need me to help him and that he should show me kindness so I can RECIPROCATE that kindness back to him when he needs me😳.This truly is a legitimate form of madness because they're responsible for blowing themselves up in the end & they don't even 👀 it as everyone 🏃♀️ from them out of the blast zone before that final BIG explosion😬.
I hadn't seen my mom for 8 years. I saw her in the grocery store the other day and it sent me into a panic attack. I wanted to just run away from my full cart and go hide in my car. I found myself puzzled at this desire to run and hide in an effort to not interact with her. This made me feel horrible and I remember feeling relief that she looked like she was doing OK. Why? I want to run and hide from this woman yet I care that she's OK? Why? I still can feel anxious just thinking about bumping into her. I want nothing to do with her yet some small part of me still insists I should care. Why?
To Whom asked the question about having a NM who died and went through eighteen months of depression. Thank you for asking that question. I've been going through the samething.
Your explanation of intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing helped make sense of another piece of the puzzle for me. My narc spouse will often say very encouraging, nice, and glowing things to me when we are in a group setting. They don't say it to the other people about me but to me in front of them. It's beyond awkward and I recently asked them not to do it again because it's so awkard and weird. Seeing it as breadcrumbing is a revelation especially since it's often followed by them being shut down immediately after leaving the social setting. I see it as a performance for the people we are with and now also breadcrumbing for me. They must think that I won't notice or complain about being ignored right away because they said such "sweet" things to me. Their lack of social skills and self-awareness keeps them from seeing how bizarre their behavior is. It just makes me cringe.
He goes silent for 2 months at a time. Would leave every 3 or 4 months and go to his brothers...come back like nothing happened. We had/ have a bond...??? I question if I've become him...
See that keeping on accusing of anger - is to make you angry- we experienced that many many times from the mob. My 16 year old son actually did the accusation to me just to show me how it worked. once I was agitated, he said, “see mom, that’s what they do to me all the time”. That’s definitely a preferred bait on their part
I had a male friend over last night, he wouldn't answer me or engage in any of my conversation mostly, It was very uncomfortable, I thought he might have aspergers because he doesn't seem to be mean, he is depressed he says, it made the even made evening very boring and hard work as I tried everything to engage him, finally I just ignored him and got stoned, he was upset about my hospital story, I've been involved with so many narcissists, I don't really want to go through this again, but he says he is desperate yet doesn't want to do anything to get better!I have seen him lose his temper in past big ti,e!
I tried calling or presenting facts for persual for my partner to have more perspective. All he did was go quiet then throw things back at me months down the line. But for the sake of my children I still tried. Years later he changes the narrative of each situation and refuses to accept he did and said things.. He refuses to see the truth and the facts, it becomes more about his feelings. It can be so exhausting.
@@SurvivingNarcissism you know what now years on I am just so glad its not me going mad :/ on one or a few occasions , even one family therapist here in uk said to me, your husband is "super intelligent" and just knows how to adjust his life.. I felt hopeless after that. :{
The one with the shack on the lake is from Victoria Island in Canada. And the one with the aqueduct and town is Regensburg, Germany, where I lived from ages 1-4 when my dad was in the military.
They can act nice on the outside and "behave themselves" at times, but they can not be honest, humble, kind or generous without strings attached. They cannot tame their envy, forgive sincerely or take full responsibility for their wrongdoing. They cannot set aside their self-pity or selfish ambition long enough to care about anyone else's trouble, even if they caused it (even of the golden child). That's what they can't control. They may seem nice on the outside, but are corrupt on the inside.
Learned from the webinar. Today i went to go into my managers office. Some really tough woman said dont you see not to go in when someone else is there? I have usually peeked in and asked. It was a delivery guy. We had a great interaction. I had snapped and told the controlling woman. And said aren't you mean? and walked into the office. I wish i could have said thank you. I know they will tell me. I just have to say I wanted to smack her and I did what I knew and it was good....how often did I obey and miss a good moment?
I can't tell you how much I'd love to 👀 someone take a baseball bat to my narc father's head🤭.Don't feel bad...These people are truly garbage on legs.I personally have 0 empathy for the adult narcs & couldn't care less if someone does something nasty to them,you reap what you sow...I only feel bad for the innocent little kids they once were but those kids are psychologically dead & not coming back and I've learned to separate the adult narcs from that.Narcs only thrive when people care about them...If you reach the point of 0 empathy & would abandon them in the woods without 👀 back,they don't last too long.They're like ticks that need to suck blood to live...Grey rock & then eat some 🍿 if you happen to be nearby when things backfire on them😁.
Yes my NPS husband does that all the time to me and our daughter and his brother was the same way! Baiting us! His denigrating comments roll around in my mind like a bowling ball all day! How do I eject that bowling ball without throwing it at him?
Hi, I've watched a few of your videos as well as some others. In your first response today about the silent treatment be a sign of a narcissist, I am now wondering if I'm a narcissist! When my wife starts putting me down, or my family, or my friends, I usually give her the silent treatment. I figure if I don't say anything, I'm not giving her more ammo to twist around and use against me. Is this the wrong way to protect myself?
It comes down to intent. That question was in relation to a passive aggressive effort to control and punish. Pulling back to stay out of someone's toxic orbit is not the same.
The term for what you did is "grey rock". Since Dr C came into my life I have mastered it. If I forget and take the bait I have started saying " you win you got me to argue with you congratulations. Peace out . After peace out I do not engage no matter what he says or does or threatens me with. I usually walk the dog until I feel safe around him somewhat again.
If you’ve ever gotten “the silent treatment,” you KNOW it is anything but silent. Slamming doors, rustling papers, banging pots and pans, loud sighs with angry glares, etc. all accompany the “silence.” Grey rock is different. It isn’t passive-aggressive (like the silent treatment), it’s just passive. Distance - physical, emotional, verbal, are all keys to success there.
@@aaronkwolfe EVERYTHING of what my own father would do like some seven days a week. (Except the pots and pans, but he had some other working tools in the house...)🥴🥴 Oh btw I forgot to mention he was a psychologist from profession.
The manager of the storage facility that I just moved my belongings out of, was a narcissist. One customer I'll call Karen complained that after she paid late fees to keep her belongings from getting auctioned off, the manager rushed to her unit to remove the lock the company put on it, without waiting for the Karen to accompany her. While Karen was parking her car, Karen got a weird feeling about the fact the manager went up to her unit alone and didn't wait for her. When Karen finally made it to her unit, she found that all of her shoes had been stolen!!! The theft pointed to the manager, but there were no cameras and getting proof was impossible. This happened 6 years ago and this manager received no consequences and is still employed there. A different customer, I'll call him Bob, complained that after he signed up for auto pay, this same manager put his information in wrong and his bill did not get paid. Management is supposed to notify customers of such things, but Bob was not notified of this and received a late charge for the manager's mistake!! When Bob went to management's office to inform her about his unfair late charge, the manger laughed. For whatever reason, management claimed she could not reverse the late fee. Bob then talked to her supervisor. The supervisor practically enabled the manager's behavior by claiming she couldn't help Bob either!!! Bob had to threaten them with a law suit to get the late charges reversed. As for me, I had storage there for 3 years. It was hell. I just moved out. This manager has worked at this facility for 13 or 14 years!!! I will never understand how a witch like that keeps her job. My question is, I think this manager needs some come uppins. I wonder if she keeps getting away with this crap because she's not getting any consequences?? I wrote the company an anonymous letter. Nothing has happened to her. I can expose her in other ways, but should I?? What do you all say??? Your advice would be appreciated.
Don't fall for their "image management"... It's just part of the lies they live with that 🎭.Narcs may 👀 good on paper with a well paid job & whatnot...But 💩 backfires on them all the time in their private lives😉.Also even if they keep their jobs...They 🏃♀️ off a lot of good workers & cause issues so the joke is on the employers for being foolish enough to keep these screwballs around.Feel free to shine some 🌞 on that person & expose who they really are...It's shame on (them) for casting such a dark shadow.I've got a narc father & he's kept his 80k tech job...& there were numerous times when I overheard management talking to him over his 💻 like a toddler because he was causing problems with his coworkers.A lot of them actually ended up leaving likely because of him... Nothing ran nearly as smoothly as it should've.Also he only does things with a few toxic friends once every 1-1½ years because nobody can stand him.Oh yeah & his now dead narc sister scammed him by telling him he'd get her nice 🏡 & a bunch of 💰...Turned out nothing was paid off,she only had a few thousand,was likely 🔥 from her job,the 🏠 was full of 🐀 s/🪳 s...& He was the 1 stuck with all the headaches as the city condemned her nasty 🏠.She was drowning in debt & had been living WAY beyond her means.She ☠️ alone & put him in charge of all of her "assets".He had NO clue what had been going on because he hadn't visited her in many years & was only talking in the 📱 with her & she filled him full of 💩🤣.I hope my perspective as a child of a narc helps since I've 👀 BEHIND that false image they try so hard to show the outside 🌎.
My notes (not necessarily direct quotes): 3:40 Q: Is the trait of a man quickly shutting down instead of calmly talking through an issue, and going silent for a couple of days, a sign of narcissistic behavior or is that just fairly common in men? A: It is a generalization that women can be more comfortable discussing personal and emotional issues. Having said that, when a man just quickly shuts down when you are wanting to talk things through with him, and then ghosts you for a couple of days, yes, that is a sign of narcissism. Narcissism can come out in passive aggressive ways, such as this. Saying, more or less, through their behavior, "I refuse to discuss this with you." That person is implying they are mad, frustrated, whatever word they want to use. But instead of saying, "Why don't we talk about why I'm feeling this way? Why don't we talk about how you and I can have a better understanding of each other?", they go into the manipulative mode. Whether it's conscious or subconscious, they are thinking, "If I can get you feeling uncomfortable, and make you regret saying whatever ticked me off, perhaps I can get you to the point where you will say, 'OK, I'll quit.'." This person probably has some strong covert tendencies. Let's look at the behaviors here and see how they match pitch with narcissism. Shutting down. Refusing to talk through, especially calmly. In other words, broken communication. Lack of a willingness to understand. Going silent, which is a power move. Staying unavailable. Evasiveness. That individual has pathological defensiveness. Clearly, they are operating with a high-control mode. It's kind of a passive form of control, but make no mistake, passive-aggressiveness is highly controlling. This person is showing zero interest in knowing you. Condescension. Raw selfishness - "It's all about me." Having alternate reality. There are so many ways that narcissism can manifest. 8:00 (re: death of a narcissistic mother) This tends to be a time when you do some self-reflection. What does my family stand for? This was obviously a highly influential person in my life. How am I going to break down some of the messages they gave me in our many, many exchanges? You can be stuck with the thought, "I can't believe she used to treat me this way." You are going to have a lot of unfinished business. Wouldn't it have been nice to have been able to sit down and talk with your mother? Instead of mom being able to sit down with you and welcome that conversation, most narcissistic individuals would respond, "How dare you insinuate that I should be different?" You want to talk with your narcissistic parent because you are wishing to normalize that person even as they are committed to remaining abnormal. You are wishing to bring reason even as they show they want to stick with their lack of reason. One of the problems that you can have when you have finished a relationship, one of the questions you have to answer is, "What am I going to do with the loose-endedness?" First, acknowledge that there are some things that you can't resolve. Some things are not conducive to a satisfactory answer. You need to learn to accept that you can't have full closure. To me, the ultimate question you want to have when someone has died or they are alive but they may as well be dead because you don't have access to them on any meaningful level, is, "Who am I going to be, given my exposure to this person?" If I am in the presence of someone who belittles people, how am I going to be?" "If I'm in the presence of someone who just minimizes and says, 'I don't care' or 'You don't know what you're talking about', knowing that that isn't how I want to go, then who am I going to be that's going to be different than that?" What are my better alternatives? This is a time of grief over unfinished business. I'm hoping that rather than wishing you could change how things were with that deceased person, you bring it down to the one person you can do something about, and that is yourself. "I really did have some troubling experiences with these key individuals and it didn't serve me well. Therefore, knowing that, here are my better alternatives." That's what a thinker does. What an intuitive person does. Instead of just parking on "I don't like this," there is a willingness to say, "I have an influence over other individuals, just as my mother had an influence over me, and I want to make sure that I manage my side of the equation cleanly even though that key person in my life did not." Bring it back to the lesson learned within yourself. 14:10 18:50 23:55 Q: Can you talk about why no one talks about the lack of appreciation by narcissists, which, in my opinion, is one of the best red flags of narcissism? A: Bingo. Narcissists begin with an attitude of entitlement. "If you do something nice for me, I deserved it anyway. And if you didn't do something nice, why didn't you?" There is such a sense of haughtiness they have difficulty saying thank you. "I don't need to show appreciation. Who do you think you are?" They'll ascribe negative intentions on you if you wish for appreciation. "You think I'm supposed to be subordinate to you?" Small behaviors like the inability to express appreciation can be a red flag about what is going on behind that. 26:35 (re: baiting) 28:40 Once you realize how they want to play these games so they can take the focus off of their dysfunction, and put it onto you, it's like, "If you think that I'm angry, think what you will." Don't feel like it's your job to get them to see you correctly, even though you might wish they would. "You can see me in whatever way you want." If they say, "I think you're way off base right now.", it's like, "Interpret away." You need to suspend some of the healthy rules of engagement when with a narcissist because you are dealing with a manipulator, someone who doesn't want to be healthy. Go grey rock. The more you talk, the more they are going to try to take WHATEVER you say and twist it to their advantage. "I'm onto your game. I see what your narcissism is. This is just another way you illustrate your own self-absorption and your twisted need to put others in an inferior position." 31:15 Q: If someone marries a narcissist, is it possible for that person to develop the same kind of tendencies? A: It's not just possible, it's common. You can get caught in a co-dependent undertow. It's not always bad to have a sense of dependency. There is a healthy interdependency. You can go into a relationship, such as a marriage, thinking, "I'm going to help you be a better person. I hope you will help me be a better person." It's just plain and simple. When I walk in the back door and my wife says something really nice to me, I like it and my mood elevates. Call that dependency if you want. But I'll do the same with her. Let's see if we can have a system where we can be kind. That's a healthy interdependence. Narcissists don't have an appreciation for that, because that implies there is a certain kind of equality in the relationship. "Who do I want to be right this minute, in spite of what this narcissist is offering?" 35:00 (re: lack of empathy) 44:30 Narcissists don't want to be sensitive. It would imply that they would have to set aside their own agenda to tune into you and they don't want to let go of their agenda. 38:35 Q: Can you explain how a narcissist is supposedly incapable of self-control, yet can regulate it for long periods of time when it suits them, specifically, when they are putting on a public face? They turn on that saccharine charm. A: There is a certain amount of self-restraint in that, but that kind of control, when they are trying to create this saccharine charm, is part of a manipulation scheme. Eventually, they can't sustain it. It's only for the purpose of manipulating someone. It's phony. What you want to see is someone maintaining self-control for the purpose of pursuing higher priorities. Suppose someone is annoying. The narcissist thinks, "I'll do whatever I need to right now to contain myself so I can be in charge of this person. I can come across as helpful and maybe I'll get somewhere with them." That's not a higher priority. That's just the narcissist trying to keep their inroad. If someone is being annoying to me, I don't want to get caught up in irritability. I want to hold onto respect. I want to be known as someone with patience and someone who has boundaries. That's not a controlling desire. Narcissists may look the part of being a nice person for a while, but behind the scenes there are schemes. Over time, these things will show themselves. They turn on the charm. Your task is to say, "I like charming people until I figure out that it's all part of them trying to exploit me." 41:40 Q: Is intermittent reinforcement the same thing as breadcrumbing? A: There is a great deal of overlap. They aren't exactly the same. Intermittent reinforcement means that you respond to a person in inconsistent ways. Sometimes they compliment something you do. Then they ignore that same thing 6 or 7 times before saying something nice again. It keeps people off base. It keeps people guessing. Breadcrumbing means that you are feeding someone morsels of goodness to keep them on the hook. All the while, it's part of a manipulation. Whether it's intermittent reinforcement or breadcrumbing that is happening, you are being played.
My mother said once that she decided to untie the apron strings awhile back and that I needed to now too. Since I know that both of us are not perfect nor was my father perfect while at the same time compared to most people being perceived as black I am living a privileged life I have less to complain about. However that is not to say I will never need someone who could listen to my troubles while advocating for me if need be too. Like if trying to determine if a goal of mine I have in mind is realistic to pursue too. Because in the past I found out the hard way that telling any major goal I have in mind to any of the men in my family and in my church family too sometimes is not in my best interests at all. The good news is while I was having any kind of ambition which wasn't the head of my family's idea first other people were in my support system who were and who still are not like that.
Yes I guess so. My 25yo son has moved into with my narcissistic widowed mother and has not spoken to us for 4 years now. Before, He wouldn't even greet me in the street. So disrespectful.
Hi Dr Carter, I have a question that follows on from the narcissist’s inability to be grateful, thankful, appreciative or kind. My mother has an unending pattern of denigrating, complaining, belittling, invalidating and shitting on things and people. Is this a typical narcissistic trait.
In attempting to break away from the narcissist's controlling nature how do I overcome my own areas of insecurity? There are certain aspects of life, such as car repairs, home maintenance, and finance, that I regrettably thought would be the realm of my husband. But, although he feigned competence in these areas when we were dating, the truth was finally revealed. Rather than dictating our/my every move (from how dishes are washed and clothes are folded), he has switched to making everything my responsibility. I'm finding the situation difficult. Any pointers on overcoming insecurity?
What if they are nice sometimes & only have narc tendencies occasionally ? How can I be ready / on-guard for those times? I often let my guard down during “nice” times if “normal@ calm. Then, I am side-swiped by anger & brain-salad, ect. I seem to forget they are like that after weeks if being nice. Its very upsetting & feels like a bomb dropping 😭
"They are constantly trying to be in the one up position." Yep! Everything is a competition with them. ✅
I tried for two years to address my wants/needs/boundaries with my mother. Nothing encouraged her bad behavior more. For my peace, I cut off contact. It was difficult but I have had to simply accept the fact that she could not respect my needs as a person.
She likes who she is. It is not a mystery to her.
Good for you, dear. May the rest of your life be narcissist free.
I feel your pain. My mother always left me hurt and disappointed because she just never seemed to do the loving motherly thing. I finally just came to the place, in my heart, to emotionally let my mother go. And once I was able to do that, I gained such a sense of peace. I still go through the motions of honoring my mother on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas, etc... But, I don't have any expectations of her as a mom. I freely give her love, without expecting anything from her. However, that doesn't mean that I engage in long phone conversations. Not at all. I'm strictly polite and cordial. That's all the narcissist wants anyway. Because they have such poor relational skills. In other words, my mother isn't my friend. She's just the woman that birthed me. However, I will continue to treat her with kindness, dignity and respect.
I did the same. Even engaged a female officer to intervene in a "kind" manner. That finally worked. But.. my mother never understood why and simply could not change. Eventually, she succumbed to crippling osteoporosis and was bed ridden. That changed her behaviour. Became gentler and more humble. Unfortunately, she passed on without comprehending why I had to do what I had to do. The rest of the family members remain lost and self absorbed. The narcissistic behaviour spread to all family members and what small extended family we had. Some male members were so bad, that I had to threaten involvement by police authorities. This all was a cultural defence mechanism that came about when immigrating to North America. It was the family's coping mechanism and it self-destructed everything. I turned out to be different. First, the black sheep, later the white sheep. I was different. Extremely sensitive, emotionally cognizant and self-aware. I now feel sorry for them, but have solidified my resolve to learn all I can about this character deficiency and spread the word. We can't live in an empty unfulfilling nightmare created by such a lack of knowledge of self. "Know thyself.." was written on ancient pre-diluvian megaliths by people that had conquered their minds. We need to do the same, put away our childish need for 👍gratification and become mindful. Self-aware enough to stop loosing our minds and learning to live emotionally regulated happy lives. It's time to tackle this. Time to move on and be responsible for our feelings and reactions. Peace.
Same 🤷♀️👍🥳
Thank you Doctor Carter. Today I realized, after 47 years with my husband and living with him from age 22 and he was 33, I am codependent. I have a pathological defensiveness and only understand it now. He just turned 80 and I am turning 69 in July. I match him in many ways that I'm ashamed of. Listening to you for three months now, I am so grateful that I'm understanding what this cat-and-mouse game is all about. I'm playing the game less and less, but it's still catches me off-guard. Thank you again. I will continue to listen and watch your videos and I'm so grateful for all that you have done for me and other people. Thank you so much. God bless your work.
An 80 year old narcissist? Wow. Someone went thru his whole life failing to develop self awareness.....it's depressing
My ex-narcissist had a bizarre reaction when I told him that if he did not take care of himself, then I certainly would not take care of him. Dr. C just gave me a new perspective on that - the narcissist felt that he was entitled to my care, that I owed it to him, and that I had no right not to provide care. I divorced the narcissist, so I guess I had a choice not to provide care.
❤️
Good for you! The narcissist will always try to make you think you owe them what they want. Exhausting. It helps to know I'm not alone.
@@judyfreeman5193 Oh Judy, you are not alone. 🦋
Bravo! I stopped contact with Drama brother Kathy& home- Wrecker, event spoiler " Windy Dee"!
You and your teachings have helped me greatly through the last 3-4 years!! I so very much appreciate the time you’ve dedicated to helping all people who’s lives have been affected by narcissistic abuse. Thank you
Dr. Carter your videos revealing the narcissist behaviour and the underlying thought processes that drive their behaviour has helped me realize that my perceptions of the N’s thinking were accurate. So now I really trust my perceptions and I recognize when he is twisting reality. God bless you in your gracious service to those of us who have suffered greatly.
i was just telling Dr. Ramani how grateful I am to you and her for helping me out of this horrible mess. What would have happened to me if I had not found the both of you!!!!!!!
Thanks, Zed. And I too am a fan of hers.
"There are simply some things that you can't ever resolve." Yes, indeed, Dr. C! Beyond true! Acceptance is our wisdom and our salvation. Great question: "Who am a going to be given my exposure to this person?" Briliiant!
Your videos have helped me so much. At 47 years old I found out my dad wasn’t my biological dad (unbeknownst to my dad, who was dying at the time) My mother turned my entire family against me when I revealed the truth. My best friends, who were with me through everything (and still are today) were called flying monkeys. I didn’t know what that term meant… then I started researching and found your channel. I realized my mother is what she accused me of and things made a lot more sense. She never was wrong and I called her out on a huge wrong. In return, she lashed out and has turned many family members (including 2 of my 4 children) against me. I have moved away and separated from her. Some family members have reached out and sympathized, but no one is willing to stand up to my mom. I am struggling with losing my 2 sons. The rest of it I can let go of, but and just cannot let go of that pain.
I was 48 when I had the revelation, that I don’t need my ‘family of origin’. My mother being the main controller and a highly Narcissistic person , I finally figured it all out.
I wasn’t wanted in that circle, I’ve always been the black sheep , youngest of 4 siblings, and not at all like any them , which is a blessing . I always wished I wasn’t blood related !!!
Family isn’t always blood, just remember that and keep strong , you’re not alone !
@@libbyjean8573 Ah you were the scapegoat weren't you?Narcs & their flying 🐒 s typically end up treating you as the scapegoat when you refuse to join their dysfunctional system.Personally I 💭 all scapegoats should wear that title as a badge of pride when they refuse to play along...We're the BEST kind of "troublemakers"😉👍🏻👍🏻.The cycle-breakers often realize from a fairly young age that they just don't fit in with the narc system.
@@malwads1836 That’s exactly true! They’re afraid of us for having our own independent strength , it infuriates them to see us mice in happily without them! Cheers!!
My mother is a narcissist. My Dad he passed in 2016. He kept the balance in the family. He always had to reel her in. Meaning he would smooth over the choppy waters whenever she'd caused friction in the family. He was the only one that could get her straight. Now he gone and she is all over the place.
Thank you, Dr. Carter - it is so good to know that what I have experienced for decades is not my imagination! What a relief it is to know the truth!
You're not dreaming this up, Annie@
Amen. I really thought it was me and I was a "lost cause" no matter what you do ie: trying to be nicer, be better....making them happy, or standing up for yourself, you get clobbered! So grateful to have found you all. ☮️
Listen to you Dr.C we are all so fully informed and educated!
Dr.C
I've been listening to you for over a year along with Dr. R. And therapy has helped tremendously . It's now 15 months after the Narcissist husband died. I have now found myself and who I really am.
Moved away from my husband's family .
.....selling my Home and property was the best thing for me to do for my emotional and mental health.
I have finally found peace and harmony in a new area, a new home and neighbor.
Leaving behind the bitter feeling and taking with me the Sweet Memories .
His family is predominately narcissist.
It was a no win situation for me.
Should I stay or should I go????
Go and don't Look Back! Moving forward in N.C. THSNKD DR. C.
When it comes to aging we all have it coming, aging and wisdom I hope we all!
Aging is guaranteed, wisdom is not universal.
I notice some people like to put me down by saying that I am negative. To me, it seems people label you negative when they just don't like what you say or who you are. To me, it seems like it's just a way of putting you down. My partner says I am not negative at all.
Yeah, listen to your partner and people who are on your side. Ask a professional if you have to, but I'm pretty sure the "you're being negative" people are just gaslighting you!
They do this to try and cut you down to size coz they feel threatened by your strong will!
A sense of REALITY is already called "negativity". Well, indeed reality IS negative, all over. 😄
I have watched so many videos on narcissism. They are very informative & helpful. Thank you ! Reading comments by so many
people that are affected by this type of treatment is truly mind boggling. I’m 6 months out of a 24 yr marriage and am now
believing I was not at all the way I was made to feel ( worthless). I took him back 4 times in our marriage. Finally in the end I saved
my life myself. I emerged like the lotus from the mud to recover all that was mine from the start.
Trauma based therapy long before I discarded him.
I know NOW I had no business trying to help with his childhood trauma. He self medicated, relapsed many times, rather than
dive into his pain. Narc/addict is a terrible combination. I had to dive into my damage as the empath. Glad I did,history will not
be repeated. Keep sharing, it helps more than one knows.
A woman who cannot voice " good morning', thanks or Youre Welcome!"" So snotty/ Haughty
Am I one of the few that feels sorry for their covert Narcissist? I was with my wife since grade school. (I am 62 now) It was only looking at our lives together and learning (Thanks Dr. Carter) that I realized the full extent of her control. It was only through the rear view mirror that I realized that all of the trust I put in her, was being being used to manipulate almost my every move. My STBX suffers from very high anxiety, she is really not a bad person. It just seems to me, that the defect is stronger than she can ever be. However, I can give 100+ examples of her lack of empathy and her inability to take any responsibility. Sometimes, I want to forgive her and give her another chance, but I know the cycle will just continue. Still, I hope that she can find peace.
Thanks again for your constructive insight & guidance in dealing with these issues. It gives me good choices to make. Have a wonderful week, Dr. C.
Thanks, Toni!
Was looking for Angela Nicoletti to respond to her comment at 39:36 about "The Ruminator Song" idea...
YES, that's exactly what I'm talking bout' {;o) Metal song title idea: "Rumination of Abuse" (possible lyrics, just freestylin')
Thoughts getting stirred all around
Remembrance of words you screamed abound
When will this heal and go away
Long for the warmth of a better day
Rumination of Abuse
Haunting me
Rumination of Abuse
Can't you see
Rumination of Abuse
Forget the past
Rumination of Abuse
This too shall PASS!
You won't make a victim from a survivor
Painfully obvious, ur no love provider
Once I break free I'll try to forget
And live my life with no regret!
Rumination of Abuse
Memories are dead
Rumination of Abuse
From inside my head
Rumination of Abuse
Now I'll see
Rumination of Abuse
How to break FREE!
It's over now that you think you've won
I can't believe anyone is that dumb
Now that ur dead from inside of me
Doubt you'll become a good human being
(Shred guitar solo)
(Bridge Riff, change key and tempo)
(Last chorus)
Rumination of Abuse
NOT Haunting me
Rumination of Abuse
I know you can't see
Rumination of Abuse
You're so insane
Rumination of Abuse
Now I QUIT ur GAME!!
(outro clean riff)
❤
Good morning THRASH :)
These are some powerful/empowering lyrics! 🎶
Have an excellent day, and keep writing, you're good at it :)
I wrote in chat, "You all inspire me" You really do. Thank you for this smile today.
So pleased!!
The lying is just insane. Wife goes to church semi-weekly, weekly bible studies, monthly women’s groups. Each sermon has been on narcissism in one way or another since 7/13/22. Has my wife stopped lying? Nope
My mercy dude, if she has indulgence, let her run wild, the trip is not over, and this is from someone, you knows this church business, look at me im good, my Doctor can tell you everything dude, ya feel me, but im crazy but you better hang on to love, beg for mercy
She is similar to my Covert, psychotic, pathological, malignant and non-communicative narc "mother". She lied about just about anything and everything. She could have been a politician.👿👿👿👿👿
@@lindabell2940 Hang onto love? Wth that mean?
Wow, that must be so difficult to see, that she's not applying it to herself. The lying is insane indeed, so much it makes one doubt their own sanity sometimes.
She’s talking about herself
Thank you for all the info and advise. I finally left last week and have kept no contact. I feel free and relaxed.
❤️
Yes I had that happen. My friend told me repeatedly I was angry. When I protested it made no difference. That was 35 yrs ago. I wish I had known then exactly who and what I was dealing with. I have finally gone NO with her and am glad to be rid of her and her obstinate controlling ways.
The question "why are you mad"? Here's my answer, im not. And if they insist, i just ignore. And continue my day.
Dear Dr Carter, thank you for your priceless service to humanity. Your teachings and insights have allowed me to reclaim my own life back...one video at a time. It's been a long journey that started with awful desperation 😢 progressing through the different healing stages up to a sense of physical and inner strength 💪 😅 I'm not quite healed yet, my body still responds to stress signals in ways I cannot control and it takes me days to recover 😮 but now I know I will recover and my fear response will slowly end and I will feel ok again ❤❤❤
Observe them like a patient a psychology patient.
Dr. C. your answer to question 1 was confirmation that I've come to the correct or healthy resolution for the tragic death of my mother who was abused and killed by my highly narcissistic father. It has been so hard to process, partly because I had no idea he would go that far and she was so bonded to him that she protected him and what he was doing to her.
However, her death has made me search out answers and as a result, I discovered what Narcissism is and the various flavors of it from you and a few others. Thank you for all of your videos, they have been very therapeutic for me! I have also realized that I am also married to a narcissist and I am determined to do things better than my parents did!
You give such wonderful advice, Dr. C. Midweek is such a great blessing. Thank you for all you do. Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕
Thanks, T C
I was raised by a narcissistic father & an empathetic mother & struggled so badly with conflict resolution. When I’m triggered I get so frustrated & start to yell. How can I learn how to control my responses? I don’t want to react this way anymore. It makes me feel like such a bad person.
I do the same thing and feel horrible. I'm with you
@@MsGlitterBombz All I’ve ever wanted was a normal life with someone & it hurts to not have it. I watched my mom go though so much with my dad & I vowed not to date anyone like him until my last relationship. I found myself yelling & losing control because he behaved just like my father. I still feel broken & confused by all of it which is how I ended up here.
Watch your back dude, i turn on my self big time, blame the fool, no way, you got sense go get them, your a laborer of life
@@Ari083
💞
I can relate. I asked around, and the common answer is always... "Walk away 1st! Tell them you need a minute to think about what they are saying. Design a specific answer for each specific Attack." Write them down if you have to. Once you have a response for each attack, then go back, ask them to let you answer before they speak. If they then get mad about your response, just say, "I don't want to argue about it, can we pick this up later when we both feel better?" Typically it defuses the entire situation.
Yes absolutely trust your intuition 💯
Dr. Carter, thank you for your hard work you put.into your videos. I have learned so very much from you regarding Narcissm. You have brought my life back to center where it should be. I believe I've mostly overcome the horrible emotional abuse my Narcissistic mother heaps on me (she is a Human Woodchipper!). I've come to understand & recognize the utter toxicity she shovels out. Thank you for educating all of us. I know that my life has improved dramatically; I'm now a member of team healthy ❤
Narcissists can’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes -no empathy-that’s why the husband had a blank look cos he doesn’t know
Hello and good evening from Basel, Switzerland 🇨🇭
So pleased to be with you there in Basel.
I had over 40 years of struggle with my mother and her narc. control systems. At one point, I had to cut contact which, being adopted, was my worst nightmare and actually left me at the mercy of an even more narcissistic husband to whom I was married for 22 years. My Mum later "apologized" and though she never admitted it to me, did say , " I have decided to stop being mean!"
Took me a while to work that out, lol especially as there were a few small changes evident. I was gobsmacked to realise she had known all along how nasty she was! Even more, that it was deliberate behaviour. I had merely thought it a personality misunderstanding on her side, and, apparently, on mine! After i finally left my husband, she tried to insist i go back to him. They actually became friends after years of warfare where
I was the bone between two dogs! Sadly, I only left after my husband asked me to go for my own safety and once I left, I realised I would likely not survive a return. (He had made several attempts to harm me- glass in my food, for example. My Mum and i did come to a state of peace before she passed on. She had severe
Osteo arthritis (which i also now have ,kinda weird , huh? But I am highly sensitive, energetically speaking, and can pick up symptoms from other people. My Mum died a few years ago , from bowel cancer, and I still miss the mother I wanted to have! But i also released her at the time from returning and teaching me my life lessons .
I believe any father that treats his kids badly, was himself treated that way in his childhood, but they won't admit it. Therefore, when she asks him "How would it make you feel if your dad treated you that way?" His only answer should be, "He did." IMHO
"Do not try to confuse me with truth. Do not bring wisdom to me. I WILL NOT CHANGE!"
"Zero interest in knowing YOU!" ✅
Thanks very much, Dr.C. I have an adult child, both highly educated and working as a successful professional. This child is admired by many people, and in numerous aspects of life, functions extremely well. Unfortunately, if I dare to do something “unacceptable”, I will likely receive the silent treatment for an undetermined amount of time. There is no willingness to talk things over, I’m simply “ canceled.”
I get put I'm time out 😊
A guiding principle I use: If they have an inability to communicate effectively, or otherwise, there may be an underlying serious psychological issue. And it can be .. .. narcissism!
I’m sorry. 😢
I get that accusation about being angry ALL the time! It has been thirty years of it. Sometimes I am cross and certainly, if pressed I can find dozens of causes, but my focus is usually elsewhere.. I am doing the gray rock bit and it is saving time and energy. This "relationship" is exhausting.
Nuts is right, Dr. C. Spot on! We appreciate you keeping it real. Baiting is such a good topic, something that Dr. Ramani recently spoke about as well. I think a long video about this would help because it’s such a massive topic. Love these live feeds. Thanks, Dr. C 🙏🏽
Dear Doc., You are so right on target! At the beginning of this very helpful video, you describe a narc mother going silent. You were describing my mom exactly! Every word. It's as if you were there, watching how my mom acted. Your great wisdom is such a very needed godsend! So grateful. 🧡
So pleased!!
Dr C, I did have that conversation with mom later in life and it was exactly like you said! She could not, COULD NOT, empathize and normalize. At the time I resolved myself to understand it was my failing. After all, she was soooo hurt! So mad!…and she was my mom! But I followed my eventually found the tools I needed to answer my gut feelings, etc., and began to normalize.
But I believe it’s different for a child of a narcissist because they are constantly, from birth, writing on our white board with indelible ink.
Please comment with your thoughts on this
Try ghosting for 10 months! 2 days? Wow that would be nice lol
I still can’t really cope after four years ago when they destroyed me. Yikes. Cope I can’t.
Ill never forget what the hell it is
Thank you so much dr Carter. Your help and support are invaluable for me. God bless you❤
I attract narcissistic behaviour in people. Something about me.
I think they look for extra nice people.
@@sthomas4634 Thanks. I hope it's nothing I am doing. People seem to be very harsh and intolerant towards me and always find a reason to blame me.
@@snowbear1877 I’ve felt the same way but Dr. C. has helped me to understand myself better.
@@sthomas4634 Thanks, you are very kind.
Howdy Doc. From coast of North CAROLINA.
Thank You from Germany. I just divorced my now Ex-husband and I wish I would have found ur Channel way earlier in my relationship. I appreciate Ur Input and a lot of the questions asked here hit home.
Thanks, Susanne.
I had already cut my mother off before she died. My problem was coming to terms with the fact that she was never going to say she was sorry. Not that she would anyway, but there was always a hope.
We all have wishfull thinking and the what if's and why not's, etc. The way for me to keep my sanity is to practice radical acceptance. It is what it is, it's not going to change unless there's some supernatural epiphony or event. Chances of that? Mmm not all that good.
Radical acceptance was the big turning point for me too.
@@sthomas4634 Have decided to apply it not only to the narcissist but to the "normal" people I know. Nobody is likely to change so may as well accept it and minimise the disappointments.
@@delenafranckenberg9639 There will be some "supernatural event" in fact and VERY SOON but not what you think. 😁 Jesus is coming!
Another excellent episode!!!
The Q&A sessions are SO HELPFUL!!! I just learned what codependency is with narcissism. I have learned and bucked the system of codependency. I saw how my father treated my mother and us. He would come home in a bad mood, start an argument which ended in him dumping it all on us and then he was in a great mood. So I learned that one early on and avoided the trap.
Re: My husband’s passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatment and lack of punctuality. I’ve created workarounds for these three things so my husband’s behavior no longer affects me, but I thought I’d share my favorites -like others have here-“the silent treatment.”
I am still amazed every time he gets angry with me, refuses to work it out or discuss a problem, then goes silent for days. It now lasts 2-5 days; but when we first married, he could go 10-12 days if I did something that went against his reality somehow🙄. Back then, it made me nervous, insecure, and afraid; however, now after 35 years of marriage, I have learned that IF WE ARGUE, he WILL go SILENT on me FOR DAYS.
Do I know it’s wrong to use this information to my advantage?Absolutely! But sometimes it’s the only way I can get peace and quiet.
“I’m sorry, what? You’re giving me the silent treatment…you think that’s punishment?!!”
…silent treatment…
Don’t threaten me with a good time!!🤭😜👍🏼
Punctuality. If we’re going to a party or a neighbors house or a movie or dinner with a reservation with friends, I simply lie to him by 30 to 45 minutes about the time we’re supposed to be there. This way, we’re out the door on time, we have time to get gas or have a drink at the bar before everyone else arrives. For some reason, he does not learn. He knows I lie to him about the time, he rarely calculate the time I lie to him by into his “get ready time,” my workaround works.
Hello from Bonn, Germany! ❤
Glad to be there in Bonn with you!
Hiya m8 from Liverpool UK 😁
Hallo Wilma, Grüße aus Hessen! 🙋
I am in Spain for one month and corresponding in a friendly way with my sister, the only one to remember early childhood holidays here with my parents in the 1950s. Quite friendly but I still don't trust her. So sad because of our long sad history.
Always helpful ! I have been guilty of taking the bait . So grateful to you for this education! Priceless, Thank you again. Always learn something every video.
Dr. Carter, would you be kind as to talk more about training "Emotional Competence"? You mentioned it a couple of times as means to help children not grow into narcissists. Can you also recommend good books or lectures on the subject.
I grew up in a narcissistic family and only went no contact a year and a half ago. I'm trying to retrain myself but also want to ensure I'm teaching my little one (a toddler) how to grow into an emotionally healthy, kind, and empathetic young man and not unknowingly pass to him all the emotional baggage I carry.
The true extent of the damage done by my narcissistic mother didn’t reveal itself until she died. Everything I tried to do to be a supportive and loving daughter somehow turned into me always in the middle of drama and running for cover. After every encounter with my family I ended up going silent, withdrawing, having no contact - not attending family gatherings and so I was being labelled passive aggressive and narcissistic! I could not do anything right! Now I know my mother invested years in bringing my character down in peoples eyes. My own mother had spun lies about me to everyone she knew so she would always be supported no matter how bad her behaviour was. She was perceived as the one suffering and that my son and sister and I were the cause. She told lies to my sister and my son as well against me and likewise so we were always in conflict with each other. Years of this multilevel abuse has caused so much inflammation in my body and joints I can’t walk far because of the pain. I am dis-‘abled’ by dis-‘ease’. I’ve realised the only way forward is to cut them all out of my life and at 66 years old start again. How do you get over the grief of losing what you never had and always wanted - a loving supportive family.
This ending is exactly what Vaknin just said.
Perfect description of my boss, he has almost destroyed his busniess.
Once again, two more terms I wish had early on to help bring clarity to the chaos. Intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing. Wow. After the love bombing assault dating, then marriage, here came the devaluing and the discard program. The last year of the 3 years I had this glimmer of hope but it was only these awesome terms of intermittent reinforcement (manipulation, cheating lies) and breadcrumbing. Hey fool, I'll throw you a bone here and there. Imagine going to a 5 Star restaurant, the waitress serves your plates, and all of a sudden someone M or F comes over and puts their hands in your plate. I liken that analogy to cheating in a marriage. I don't want it. Dr. Carter, thank you so much. I have learned so much.
Yes, don’t confuse me with facts, my mind is made up!
Missed yesterday by “that much,” DrC! I finally got to take a real lunch from the store haha and thought I might tune into the live chat but then my accountant had some paperwork I needed to fill out and my “almost real lunch” turned into a working lunch again haha. My feet are so sore and my son and I are tired as Gus haha but our hearts are full and happy and we are having a blast! Everyone who’s been in the store say how needed it is in our community- so yay! I am still listening to your videos, mostly on the way to and from work now so I rarely get to comment. Decided to go in early today and catch up before we get busy. You said something in an earlier video this week that I am hoping to go back and listen again… something about our “inner something” pertaining to how we get to be the judge of ourselves. I so appreciate the way you state things! Loved this week’s podcast with DrM! Have a great rest of your week! Tell Jennifer hello 💜
You are one very busy girl...and I'm so encouraged that things are moving in the right direction. I know that even when you can't be with us all, your spirit is in the right place. Keep it up!!!!
Thanks for mentioning my question Dr C! 😊
sounds like gaslighting to me.
If I KNOW my way isn't to think or speak negative of ""everyone'" and that is the line that comes at me when I Thought I could share with a good friend?? I call it gaslighting.
YES true, once you know what it is you will notice and have it exposed all over! 👍👍
Not job security!🤭🤭🤣. You DO have it Dr. C!!
I'm with you Dr.C...It really IS something else when you 👀 a narcissist staring truth in the face & they refuse to recognize it even if it would actually BENEFIT THEMSELVES & their own life ultimately🤯.My own narc father countless times treated me poorly since I was a young child & not ONCE has it ever registered for him that someday he'll be old and frail and need me to help him and that he should show me kindness so I can RECIPROCATE that kindness back to him when he needs me😳.This truly is a legitimate form of madness because they're responsible for blowing themselves up in the end & they don't even 👀 it as everyone 🏃♀️ from them out of the blast zone before that final BIG explosion😬.
I love live Wednesdays 💕
Me too.
Me 2!
Team healthy is me!
“I may have to modulate my high expectations of you” . . . SO incredibly well put and funny!! 😂
I hadn't seen my mom for 8 years. I saw her in the grocery store the other day and it sent me into a panic attack. I wanted to just run away from my full cart and go hide in my car.
I found myself puzzled at this desire to run and hide in an effort to not interact with her.
This made me feel horrible and I remember feeling relief that she looked like she was doing OK.
Why?
I want to run and hide from this woman yet I care that she's OK? Why?
I still can feel anxious just thinking about bumping into her.
I want nothing to do with her yet some small part of me still insists I should care.
Why?
To Whom asked the question about having a NM who died and went through eighteen months of depression. Thank you for asking that question. I've been going through the samething.
Your explanation of intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing helped make sense of another piece of the puzzle for me. My narc spouse will often say very encouraging, nice, and glowing things to me when we are in a group setting. They don't say it to the other people about me but to me in front of them. It's beyond awkward and I recently asked them not to do it again because it's so awkard and weird. Seeing it as breadcrumbing is a revelation especially since it's often followed by them being shut down immediately after leaving the social setting. I see it as a performance for the people we are with and now also breadcrumbing for me. They must think that I won't notice or complain about being ignored right away because they said such "sweet" things to me. Their lack of social skills and self-awareness keeps them from seeing how bizarre their behavior is. It just makes me cringe.
The narc does the baiting thing to justify what they've done or what [or who] they wanna do.........my experience, anyway.
28:20 I told you once, i told you. Twice my go team healthy, did this video, my Doctor this is great,
He goes silent for 2 months at a time.
Would leave every 3 or 4 months and go to his brothers...come back like nothing happened. We had/ have a bond...??? I question if I've become him...
No but you have become slightly immune 😢
Exactly! Now I know I see!!
I have watched a lot of videos but dr carter yours are the bestthank you so much dr carter
Thanks so much.
See that keeping on accusing of anger - is to make you angry- we experienced that many many times from the mob. My 16 year old son actually did the accusation to me just to show me how it worked. once I was agitated, he said, “see mom, that’s what they do to me all the time”. That’s definitely a preferred bait on their part
Yeah, they bait you and then when you react they act all smug and say "wow, you're crazy! no wonder you have problems!"
Hi Dr Carter Gus and Team Healthy
I had a male friend over last night, he wouldn't answer me or engage in any of my conversation mostly, It was very uncomfortable, I thought he might have aspergers because he doesn't seem to be mean, he is depressed he says, it made the even made evening very boring and hard work as I tried everything to engage him, finally I just ignored him and got stoned, he was upset about my hospital story, I've been involved with so many narcissists, I don't really want to go through this again, but he says he is desperate yet doesn't want to do anything to get better!I have seen him lose his temper in past big ti,e!
Thank you for the content Doc💯
So pleased.
I tried calling or presenting facts for persual for my partner to have more perspective. All he did was go quiet then throw things back at me months down the line. But for the sake of my children I still tried. Years later he changes the narrative of each situation and refuses to accept he did and said things.. He refuses to see the truth and the facts, it becomes more about his feelings. It can be so exhausting.
Unfortunately, that's their playbook.
@@SurvivingNarcissism you know what now years on I am just so glad its not me going mad :/ on one or a few occasions , even one family therapist here in uk said to me, your husband is "super intelligent" and just knows how to adjust his life.. I felt hopeless after that. :{
That painting on the wall to your left is intriguing! A rural setting , is it Europe?
The one with the shack on the lake is from Victoria Island in Canada. And the one with the aqueduct and town is Regensburg, Germany, where I lived from ages 1-4 when my dad was in the military.
They can act nice on the outside and "behave themselves" at times, but they can not be honest, humble, kind or generous without strings attached. They cannot tame their envy, forgive sincerely or take full responsibility for their wrongdoing.
They cannot set aside their self-pity or selfish ambition long enough to care about anyone else's trouble, even if they caused it (even of the golden child).
That's what they can't control.
They may seem nice on the outside, but are corrupt on the inside.
Learned from the webinar. Today i went to go into my managers office. Some really tough woman said dont you see not to go in when someone else is there? I have usually peeked in and asked. It was a delivery guy. We had a great interaction. I had snapped and told the controlling woman. And said aren't you mean? and walked into the office. I wish i could have said thank you. I know they will tell me. I just have to say I wanted to smack her and I did what I knew and it was good....how often did I obey and miss a good moment?
I can't tell you how much I'd love to 👀 someone take a baseball bat to my narc father's head🤭.Don't feel bad...These people are truly garbage on legs.I personally have 0 empathy for the adult narcs & couldn't care less if someone does something nasty to them,you reap what you sow...I only feel bad for the innocent little kids they once were but those kids are psychologically dead & not coming back and I've learned to separate the adult narcs from that.Narcs only thrive when people care about them...If you reach the point of 0 empathy & would abandon them in the woods without 👀 back,they don't last too long.They're like ticks that need to suck blood to live...Grey rock & then eat some 🍿 if you happen to be nearby when things backfire on them😁.
Yes my NPS husband does that all the time to me and our daughter and his brother was the same way! Baiting us! His denigrating comments roll around in my mind like a bowling ball all day! How do I eject that bowling ball without throwing it at him?
You 👀 for it in everyone 🤓
I loved this talk, (but I did miss Gus).
Hi, I've watched a few of your videos as well as some others. In your first response today about the silent treatment be a sign of a narcissist, I am now wondering if I'm a narcissist! When my wife starts putting me down, or my family, or my friends, I usually give her the silent treatment. I figure if I don't say anything, I'm not giving her more ammo to twist around and use against me. Is this the wrong way to protect myself?
It comes down to intent. That question was in relation to a passive aggressive effort to control and punish. Pulling back to stay out of someone's toxic orbit is not the same.
The term for what you did is "grey rock". Since Dr C came into my life I have mastered it. If I forget and take the bait I have started saying " you win you got me to argue with you congratulations. Peace out . After peace out I do not engage no matter what he says or does or threatens me with. I usually walk the dog until I feel safe around him somewhat again.
If you’ve ever gotten “the silent treatment,” you KNOW it is anything but silent. Slamming doors, rustling papers, banging pots and pans, loud sighs with angry glares, etc. all accompany the “silence.” Grey rock is different. It isn’t passive-aggressive (like the silent treatment), it’s just passive. Distance - physical, emotional, verbal, are all keys to success there.
@@aaronkwolfe exactly. well said
@@aaronkwolfe EVERYTHING of what my own father would do like some seven days a week. (Except the pots and pans, but he had some other working tools in the house...)🥴🥴 Oh btw I forgot to mention he was a psychologist from profession.
The manager of the storage facility that I just moved my belongings out of, was a narcissist. One customer I'll call Karen complained that after she paid late fees to keep her belongings from getting auctioned off, the manager rushed to her unit to remove the lock the company put on it, without waiting for the Karen to accompany her. While Karen was parking her car, Karen got a weird feeling about the fact the manager went up to her unit alone and didn't wait for her. When Karen finally made it to her unit, she found that all of her shoes had been stolen!!! The theft pointed to the manager, but there were no cameras and getting proof was impossible. This happened 6 years ago and this manager received no consequences and is still employed there. A different customer, I'll call him Bob, complained that after he signed up for auto pay, this same manager put his information in wrong and his bill did not get paid. Management is supposed to notify customers of such things, but Bob was not notified of this and received a late charge for the manager's mistake!! When Bob went to management's office to inform her about his unfair late charge, the manger laughed. For whatever reason, management claimed she could not reverse the late fee. Bob then talked to her supervisor. The supervisor practically enabled the manager's behavior by claiming she couldn't help Bob either!!! Bob had to threaten them with a law suit to get the late charges reversed. As for me, I had storage there for 3 years. It was hell. I just moved out. This manager has worked at this facility for 13 or 14 years!!! I will never understand how a witch like that keeps her job. My question is, I think this manager needs some come uppins. I wonder if she keeps getting away with this crap because she's not getting any consequences?? I wrote the company an anonymous letter. Nothing has happened to her. I can expose her in other ways, but should I?? What do you all say??? Your advice would be appreciated.
Don't fall for their "image management"... It's just part of the lies they live with that 🎭.Narcs may 👀 good on paper with a well paid job & whatnot...But 💩 backfires on them all the time in their private lives😉.Also even if they keep their jobs...They 🏃♀️ off a lot of good workers & cause issues so the joke is on the employers for being foolish enough to keep these screwballs around.Feel free to shine some 🌞 on that person & expose who they really are...It's shame on (them) for casting such a dark shadow.I've got a narc father & he's kept his 80k tech job...& there were numerous times when I overheard management talking to him over his 💻 like a toddler because he was causing problems with his coworkers.A lot of them actually ended up leaving likely because of him... Nothing ran nearly as smoothly as it should've.Also he only does things with a few toxic friends once every 1-1½ years because nobody can stand him.Oh yeah & his now dead narc sister scammed him by telling him he'd get her nice 🏡 & a bunch of 💰...Turned out nothing was paid off,she only had a few thousand,was likely 🔥 from her job,the 🏠 was full of 🐀 s/🪳 s...& He was the 1 stuck with all the headaches as the city condemned her nasty 🏠.She was drowning in debt & had been living WAY beyond her means.She ☠️ alone & put him in charge of all of her "assets".He had NO clue what had been going on because he hadn't visited her in many years & was only talking in the 📱 with her & she filled him full of 💩🤣.I hope my perspective as a child of a narc helps since I've 👀 BEHIND that false image they try so hard to show the outside 🌎.
My notes (not necessarily direct quotes):
3:40 Q: Is the trait of a man quickly shutting down instead of calmly talking through an issue, and going silent for a couple of days, a sign of narcissistic behavior or is that just fairly common in men? A: It is a generalization that women can be more comfortable discussing personal and emotional issues. Having said that, when a man just quickly shuts down when you are wanting to talk things through with him, and then ghosts you for a couple of days, yes, that is a sign of narcissism. Narcissism can come out in passive aggressive ways, such as this. Saying, more or less, through their behavior, "I refuse to discuss this with you." That person is implying they are mad, frustrated, whatever word they want to use. But instead of saying, "Why don't we talk about why I'm feeling this way? Why don't we talk about how you and I can have a better understanding of each other?", they go into the manipulative mode. Whether it's conscious or subconscious, they are thinking, "If I can get you feeling uncomfortable, and make you regret saying whatever ticked me off, perhaps I can get you to the point where you will say, 'OK, I'll quit.'." This person probably has some strong covert tendencies. Let's look at the behaviors here and see how they match pitch with narcissism. Shutting down. Refusing to talk through, especially calmly. In other words, broken communication. Lack of a willingness to understand. Going silent, which is a power move. Staying unavailable. Evasiveness. That individual has pathological defensiveness. Clearly, they are operating with a high-control mode. It's kind of a passive form of control, but make no mistake, passive-aggressiveness is highly controlling. This person is showing zero interest in knowing you. Condescension. Raw selfishness - "It's all about me." Having alternate reality. There are so many ways that narcissism can manifest.
8:00 (re: death of a narcissistic mother) This tends to be a time when you do some self-reflection. What does my family stand for? This was obviously a highly influential person in my life. How am I going to break down some of the messages they gave me in our many, many exchanges? You can be stuck with the thought, "I can't believe she used to treat me this way." You are going to have a lot of unfinished business. Wouldn't it have been nice to have been able to sit down and talk with your mother? Instead of mom being able to sit down with you and welcome that conversation, most narcissistic individuals would respond, "How dare you insinuate that I should be different?" You want to talk with your narcissistic parent because you are wishing to normalize that person even as they are committed to remaining abnormal. You are wishing to bring reason even as they show they want to stick with their lack of reason. One of the problems that you can have when you have finished a relationship, one of the questions you have to answer is, "What am I going to do with the loose-endedness?" First, acknowledge that there are some things that you can't resolve. Some things are not conducive to a satisfactory answer. You need to learn to accept that you can't have full closure. To me, the ultimate question you want to have when someone has died or they are alive but they may as well be dead because you don't have access to them on any meaningful level, is, "Who am I going to be, given my exposure to this person?" If I am in the presence of someone who belittles people, how am I going to be?" "If I'm in the presence of someone who just minimizes and says, 'I don't care' or 'You don't know what you're talking about', knowing that that isn't how I want to go, then who am I going to be that's going to be different than that?" What are my better alternatives? This is a time of grief over unfinished business. I'm hoping that rather than wishing you could change how things were with that deceased person, you bring it down to the one person you can do something about, and that is yourself. "I really did have some troubling experiences with these key individuals and it didn't serve me well. Therefore, knowing that, here are my better alternatives." That's what a thinker does. What an intuitive person does. Instead of just parking on "I don't like this," there is a willingness to say, "I have an influence over other individuals, just as my mother had an influence over me, and I want to make sure that I manage my side of the equation cleanly even though that key person in my life did not." Bring it back to the lesson learned within yourself.
14:10
18:50
23:55 Q: Can you talk about why no one talks about the lack of appreciation by narcissists, which, in my opinion, is one of the best red flags of narcissism? A: Bingo. Narcissists begin with an attitude of entitlement. "If you do something nice for me, I deserved it anyway. And if you didn't do something nice, why didn't you?" There is such a sense of haughtiness they have difficulty saying thank you. "I don't need to show appreciation. Who do you think you are?" They'll ascribe negative intentions on you if you wish for appreciation. "You think I'm supposed to be subordinate to you?" Small behaviors like the inability to express appreciation can be a red flag about what is going on behind that.
26:35 (re: baiting) 28:40 Once you realize how they want to play these games so they can take the focus off of their dysfunction, and put it onto you, it's like, "If you think that I'm angry, think what you will." Don't feel like it's your job to get them to see you correctly, even though you might wish they would. "You can see me in whatever way you want." If they say, "I think you're way off base right now.", it's like, "Interpret away." You need to suspend some of the healthy rules of engagement when with a narcissist because you are dealing with a manipulator, someone who doesn't want to be healthy. Go grey rock. The more you talk, the more they are going to try to take WHATEVER you say and twist it to their advantage. "I'm onto your game. I see what your narcissism is. This is just another way you illustrate your own self-absorption and your twisted need to put others in an inferior position."
31:15 Q: If someone marries a narcissist, is it possible for that person to develop the same kind of tendencies? A: It's not just possible, it's common. You can get caught in a co-dependent undertow. It's not always bad to have a sense of dependency. There is a healthy interdependency. You can go into a relationship, such as a marriage, thinking, "I'm going to help you be a better person. I hope you will help me be a better person." It's just plain and simple. When I walk in the back door and my wife says something really nice to me, I like it and my mood elevates. Call that dependency if you want. But I'll do the same with her. Let's see if we can have a system where we can be kind. That's a healthy interdependence. Narcissists don't have an appreciation for that, because that implies there is a certain kind of equality in the relationship. "Who do I want to be right this minute, in spite of what this narcissist is offering?"
35:00 (re: lack of empathy) 44:30 Narcissists don't want to be sensitive. It would imply that they would have to set aside their own agenda to tune into you and they don't want to let go of their agenda.
38:35 Q: Can you explain how a narcissist is supposedly incapable of self-control, yet can regulate it for long periods of time when it suits them, specifically, when they are putting on a public face? They turn on that saccharine charm. A: There is a certain amount of self-restraint in that, but that kind of control, when they are trying to create this saccharine charm, is part of a manipulation scheme. Eventually, they can't sustain it. It's only for the purpose of manipulating someone. It's phony. What you want to see is someone maintaining self-control for the purpose of pursuing higher priorities. Suppose someone is annoying. The narcissist thinks, "I'll do whatever I need to right now to contain myself so I can be in charge of this person. I can come across as helpful and maybe I'll get somewhere with them." That's not a higher priority. That's just the narcissist trying to keep their inroad. If someone is being annoying to me, I don't want to get caught up in irritability. I want to hold onto respect. I want to be known as someone with patience and someone who has boundaries. That's not a controlling desire. Narcissists may look the part of being a nice person for a while, but behind the scenes there are schemes. Over time, these things will show themselves. They turn on the charm. Your task is to say, "I like charming people until I figure out that it's all part of them trying to exploit me."
41:40 Q: Is intermittent reinforcement the same thing as breadcrumbing? A: There is a great deal of overlap. They aren't exactly the same. Intermittent reinforcement means that you respond to a person in inconsistent ways. Sometimes they compliment something you do. Then they ignore that same thing 6 or 7 times before saying something nice again. It keeps people off base. It keeps people guessing. Breadcrumbing means that you are feeding someone morsels of goodness to keep them on the hook. All the while, it's part of a manipulation. Whether it's intermittent reinforcement or breadcrumbing that is happening, you are being played.
Fabulous. Thanks for posting this.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Again, thank you for the video! I'm glad you like my notes...
Hello from Poland😀🌷
Witam.
,best in the Country, bam
@@myhalowithin Allo! from French Catalonia.
My mother said once that she decided to untie the apron strings awhile back and that I needed to now too. Since I know that both of us are not perfect nor was my father perfect while at the same time compared to most people being perceived as black I am living a privileged life I have less to complain about. However that is not to say I will never need someone who could listen to my troubles while advocating for me if need be too. Like if trying to determine if a goal of mine I have in mind is realistic to pursue too. Because in the past I found out the hard way that telling any major goal I have in mind to any of the men in my family and in my church family too sometimes is not in my best interests at all. The good news is while I was having any kind of ambition which wasn't the head of my family's idea first other people were in my support system who were and who still are not like that.
My children have no empathy or care they ignore me gaslit me and really hurt my feelings. Is this narcissistic?
Yes I guess so. My 25yo son has moved into with my narcissistic widowed mother and has not spoken to us for 4 years now. Before, He wouldn't even greet me in the street. So disrespectful.
Hi Dr Carter, I have a question that follows on from the narcissist’s inability to be grateful, thankful, appreciative or kind. My mother has an unending pattern of denigrating, complaining, belittling, invalidating and shitting on things and people. Is this a typical narcissistic trait.
27:23 😂 exactly
How do you keep from letting what they say bother you. Relatives
Your emotional reactions are not unreasonable. Just keep them somewhat contained.
In attempting to break away from the narcissist's controlling nature how do I overcome my own areas of insecurity? There are certain aspects of life, such as car repairs, home maintenance, and finance, that I regrettably thought would be the realm of my husband. But, although he feigned competence in these areas when we were dating, the truth was finally revealed. Rather than dictating our/my every move (from how dishes are washed and clothes are folded), he has switched to making everything my responsibility. I'm finding the situation difficult. Any pointers on overcoming insecurity?
What if they are nice sometimes & only have narc tendencies occasionally ? How can I be ready / on-guard for those times? I often let my guard down during “nice” times if “normal@ calm. Then, I am side-swiped by anger & brain-salad, ect. I seem to forget they are like that after weeks if being nice. Its very upsetting & feels like a bomb dropping 😭