"I'm a 30 Year Old Virgin Going On My First Date"
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- Опубликовано: 27 май 2024
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Harvard-trained psychiatrist and former gaming addict Dr. Alok Kanojia-known as “Dr. K” to his millions of followers-offers a proven, tested plan to help parents define, set, and reinforce healthy boundaries around video games and help kids who have developed an addiction to gaming.
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:37 - Feel comfortable in your own body
02:55 - This is only practice for the future
06:35 - What we look for may not be successful
07:53 - The problem with dating apps
09:42 - Arranged marriages
10:56 - How do I stop being shy around girls?
13:36 - Tricks to be confident
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- people tell people to work on themselves before starting a relationship
- they proceed to do that
- they are now in their late 20s with the experience of a teenager
Haha
"Work on yourself" needs to also include the disclaimer that developing social skills is a part of self improvement. You can even work on dating (of course not as seriously as other people because you're just learning about what you want)
working on yourself includes going on dates xD
Was fed this advice. Now I'm in that situation. I'm under the impression that I won't be ready until my mid 30's. By then the antichrist would already be here and I'm in the tribulation. No time to worry about dating after that.
I've been working on myself for 10yrs am 35
Only thing keeping me content with that late start...is seeing so many others go headfirst and crash into bad dating decisions. I at least have a cleaner state to start out on, even as I'm still queasy on going anywhere with women alone, and engaging anything other than platonic communication.
I have only done hangouts with movies, which are safe but burns up time for physical engagement.
I'm a 33 year old virgin, and I'm going on my second first date tomorrow. Timely video.
Why did you end up like that? im on the same path
im nearly a 32 year old one and i've never gotten past the first date before. best of luck to you!
@@thesaddestdude3575End up like what? Not a degenerate?
@@delicious_seabass No i mean a 33 year old virgin.
It's legit not that odd. Im 28 and also still a virgin. Years just pass by really quick once you get to the age of 25
Apply this mentality during the date:
Don't focus on yourself. Focus on getting to know your date better. You are here to find out if *they* are a good fit for you, not to show that you are worthy of them.
Good one.
thnxx
thank you
Some people are too focused on getting anyone or trying to impress that they forget they also need someone that is a good match. So Id say avoid impressing folk unless its genuine actual things you can bring up or do. Guys especially treat like getting any girl is an accomplishment like bruh at least have standards.
@@gatorssbm true spoken i love y'all wisdom like the dad i wish i had lol
Currently 27, I will bookmark this video in case of a miracle.
Same at 28
Me too, i'm 24.
29
I loved gaming & crypto more than my life 💀
27!!!
I was 26 only a couple months ago. Now that I'm officially in my "late 20s" I'm more annoyed about it
To anyone who's ever been a victim of bullying / violence because of their life choices, decisions, insecurities, appearance: DO NOT ever let a hateful notion 'there's something wrong with me' sink in. Trust me, it's a recipe for self hatred and compulsive anxieties later on. When we suffer and we need a break, it's only natural to think: maybe if I wasn't 'different', if I was 'normal' I would be accepted. No, haters will always find something else to prey upon. I've always had kinda androgynous look, which was a fuel for bullies when I was growing up. I embraced it, used it to my advantage in my acting / modeling career, I was almost the face of Leon in these new Resident Evil games :)
I resonate and feel with you more bro Genuine words spoken Hope you are doing Good I am living a life full of regret and depressed why I was too good to people who did not deserve an ounce of my kindness and my help 😢
That sounds nice but it is almost impossible to not be influenced when a large portion of society deems you a failure for not dating until a high age. There is almost no social group where it is considered normal.
I don't need haters to remind me, I tell all that to myself automatically.
@@ajithadrian7137 Hi, thanks for this feedback. I can relate. I also was very loyal to ppl who turned out to be false friends. We have to stay clear of toxic ppl who can see your potential and value but will drag us down with intent and hideous determination, when they notice a slightest sign of insecurity. There's a good rule I learned when I was wasting time due to my insecurities; if there's something you can't change in you right now, pivot and invest time and hard work into something that can be upgraded quickly.
@@drschwandi3687 Hi, I think the last decade changed everyones perception of what's 'normal'. Ppl make money playing games now and that's great. Before socials like YT, it was hard to describe even. I remember when silly things like clubbing and partying was so trendy, now it's kinda cheesy. Right now, more then ever, being true to yourself, to your passions, being nerdy about it - is cool. I was never into dating, even when I had a stint with modeling. Got burned a few times around high school, and now I really appreciete the time I had for myself, for my passion projects etc.
Going on a date feels like a job interview and I hate it
all of our lives is sales, no way around it
Stop treating it like a job interview and it will probably be more enjoyable.
You have higher chances of getting a job than to get laid.
@@fukumei women are treating it like a job interview, not me.
it is easier said than done, but don't treat it like a job interview and avoid women who treat it like this. Offer netflix and chill or a walk, or just any other casual activity instead of restaurant or even cinema. If a girl doesn't like that, good for you, she's a horrible fit for you anyways.
If you feel stressed about the date, you can do what i'm doing. Just treat the girl like it was a guy you just met and you want to have beer with him. It's perfectly okay and you won't have to worry about the fact it's a girl, since it's actually irrelevant anyways
The problems with being a virgin at a late age is that it usually implies more problems. Maybe you have social anxiety, a religious and strict upbringing, low self esteem etc. For me it was anxiety stemming from gynecomstia so i didn't want have sex until my late 20s and had to go through all the awkward first stages teenagers usually go through. Worse is the self consiounsess about being good in bed for your partner. I've had to tell my dates "Hey, I have performance anxiety" up front because i tried to hide it and it had terrible results.
And when you're trying to figure out what those problems are, all people tend to hear is how depressed you are over body count, something that shouldn't be a big deal. It's really frustrating because when I say, "I'm nearly 39 and have never even kissed a woman" I feel like it's obvious that there is a problem with me that needs to be solved, but at my age, if I haven't figured it out on my own without help, I'm likely never going to.
Well telling that you have performance anxiety usually turns women off as well, the only real way to do well as a guy is to pretend to be uncaring or to actually be so. Women usually dislike men showing feelings ALOT, and women look down on male virgins. In fact talking a woman that you are virgin GREATLY reduces the chance that she views you as on her level and will usually think of you as inferior. The only way to appeal to women is to appear as strong as possible. Women are also alot harsher when it comes to looks so if you look average you have to be prepared for your worth in her eyes only being material and economic. And why even bother getting into a relationship with a woman who would really rather have had anyone else than you.
So if you have other issues that keep you from finding someone it compounds into an even bigger issue. For me the issue is just that im extremely ugly and autistic, it makes it almost impossible for me to talk to women and even at my best efforts ive basically been shunned, most women don't even want to interact with me and view me as sub human. This also means there is no real place to actually meet a partner, dating apps don't work, the kind of women that go to bars are not the kinds that are interested in me and i dislike the nightlife. And school and job is out of the question since its dangerous to approach women as its usually seen as harassment unless you are above a certain threshold of attraction.
Having that said im currently being treated better by women in my new work place than i have ever been before, they mostly ignore me and maybe at times small talk which is really unusual, i haven't been sneered at or humiliated yet. But im pretty sure that the humiliation and ridicule will come, it always does.
@@TheArtOfRevolutionaye man everyone has their own experience in this life stuff but ur not alone out there ❤
Or maybe you focus on some other things (study, carreer, family) and you don't pay too much attention to that aspect of life.
@@TheArtOfRevolution I agree with you man, im hopeless as well.
A 30 day lead up to a first date? I can't imagine the amount of overthinking that is going to occur by waiting that long.
I had my first and only gf when I was 25 and tl;dr, it ended when she ditched me for someone else. 6 years later and I'm still not 100% over it because, to this day, it was still my one and only chance at a loving relationship after more than a decade of wanting one at that point. Dr. K did a stream once where the topic was something like, "why do guys feel more rejected than women?" and one guy called in and suggested that it's because guys typically have way less options/opportunities than women at having a successful romantic relationship and so each failed attempt feels much more like the end of the world, and that totally resonated with me.
"one and only chance" is your own box you put yourself in, in reality. If you attempt to date 100 people you'll have a better chance at finding love than dating 1, you just have to get comfortable with rejection. If it's 6 years later and you still haven't moved on you should really talk to someone about it, or date again. Also getting over something doesn't mean you erase all feelings from it (although indifference is nice) you need to remember and learn from those emotions instead of say "welp that's the end of the world". I wish you good luck in your future relationships, and be kinder to yourself :D
@prettydecentdude just because you don’t understand where the damage from that experience left him, that doesn’t mean it’s as easy as ‘letting it go’. Like telling someone with a crippling injury to just walk straight. Your name is a lie. Say something that’s actually useful, like a strategy he can use to let it go, or STFU
@@Dimitris_Balf no
'why do guys feel more rejected than women? '
you can't judge all people. Like you know all man or all women.
would you prefer if she ditched you when you'd have a family with her? i don't think so
people have different experience. from my optics: i had only one connection when i was 23 (fem) and it didn't work. but it's nobody's fault if any preferable partner choses someone else. they didn't build trust and comfort with you - it was impossible for them for some reason. use this situation to bring in your life new experience. if it needs a therapy - use it. if it needs a new date - use it. there are many possibilities when 'the world' (your world) is upside down
i hope you'll create something precious from the negative experience
You say guys typically have way less opportunities for a successful romantic relationship than women, but how so? Unless there are suddenly a disproportionately higher number of men than women, I can’t see how that is the case. Women are more selective, yes, because they are biologically wired to be very selective about whom they choose to procreate with. This is a physiological and biological driver that ensures healthy progeny.
Advice? Go on a date, go on many dates, get practice, get exposure, don’t set yourself a goal, just take each date as it comes, and try to get to know the other person, ask questions, show an interest in the human being sitting across from you on the date. Dating is simply a Numbers game. Things can get better for you, you just have to stop being so self-obsessed and focussing on your pain and inner struggles. Depression can SOMETIMES be a marker of self-obsession. Not always. Look outward for a while, see how it improves your perception. Then after some time once you stabilise, you can turn inward once again and you’ll be in a much healthier place.
The first 5 or so dates I went on were complete and total failures. I still go on bad dates, but those first 5 were truly horrific. Some fell apart within minutes. However, after every date I went home and had a good laugh with my roommate about the date, and it boosted my confidence and helped better prepare me for the next date.
One of the best strategies for dating is to go in with zero expectations. There is no good outcome to lying on a date, or hiding your true passions and hobbies to keep from embarrassing yourself, or to pretend like someone you're not. You do not actually want to impress a girl you are not compatible with. Just go on the date, be yourself, talk about your actual interests and hobbies, do not lie about your money or status, and if the date doesn't go well, I can promise it's not what you wanted anyway. Unless all you want is s*x but then that's a much worse problem and you should figure your life out.
Complete AND total? lol. Personal difference for learning purposes please?
@@DannyBoy443 it's a common expression, at least with Americans. It's just for emphasis. The act of using multiple synonyms for emphasis is called tautology or sometimes a pleonasm.
I don't like how people have sex to feel better about themselves, be cool, or think losing virginity will impact their life in any way. I had sex with a stranger just to lose mine because of pressure around me (age 21) and it sucked.
I basically forgot about it the next day and I was disappointed nothing in my life or about myself was changed now that I wasn't a virgin anymore.
I've had good sex since then but I still don't get why anyone is looked down on for not having the experience, like it's part of someone's identity if they're virgin or not lol. That's absurd.
@@anacom4238and then theres guys like me, 35 years virgin, reading the comments and scrunching up my nose over the comments of needy people who bully others for not having sex. but I read a lot of good comments too. a date should really be just the attempt to have a good time together and no less...
This line of advice is stuff that nobody needed or wanted.
11:19 "So you can be a shy extrovert which can be very painful"
PAIN AND ABSOLUTE SUFFERING
I feel so much shame being a virgin at 29, and I'm 30 next month. I feel as if I've missed out on love and sex. If sex isn't a big deal, why do people judge others for being virgins? I've given up finding a girlfriend now, I think because of my lack of experiences the ship has sailed now.
Why do people judge you for being a virgin? Because they are idiots looking for anything to make themselves feel superior to others. Im a 32 year old virgin and I can honestly say Ive never felt any real urge to date. I will say you're never too old to change if you want to.
I'm in the same boat at 31. I gave up hope at 25. However at the same time I have to remember when dating/relationships are forced, they're garbage. So I keep a somewhat open mind that if something happens, then great. If not, well i'm going to enjoy the single life instead.
Maybe you can find others with little/no experience too, they are out there! Just read the comments on this video.
@@cookeepuff Honestly that seems like a good plan but I dont know if anyone does that. Ive never heard of it happening. I think a lonely person wants a normal person so it proves to them and the world that they can do it! rather than we are both so lonely Let's get together (a mutual pity relationship)
You haven't missed out on anything, you have alot of life left
I'd be interested in a video how to even GET a first date later in life. I'm 29 and never had a date let alone a relationship.
It's really difficult to even meet new people when you have a steady job, move in the same small social circle and lack those social skills.
That's pretty normal, I mean the aspect of having a small social circle and everyone keeps to themselves in their late 20's and 30's. I'm 31 and i've been on six dates total. None of them ever worked out and the last one I had was four years ago. I sort of gave up hope and figured i'm going to live the single life. If something happens, cool, if not, whatever. I finally had a girl message me first a few days ago and she has everything in common. I'm open minded but i'm not going to be devastated if it doesn't work out
I’m 28 and probably in the same boat, I don’t even have friends because I’ve moved countries and fell out of touch. People keep telling me to go out and meet someone but tbh even the thought of socialising and having to introduce yourself just tires me out.
@@SupramanTRD I hope that new contact would work for you. Good luck
Do things where you meet people without necessarily looking for a date. Pick up a new sport, engage in a community project, see if there are meeting groups for specific tooics you are interested in around your area. You will meet people, depending on what you do people with at least one similar interest and can go from there. You will extend your social circle without forcing anything and extend your opportunity to meet someone.
You need to go and try like 5 social activities in your city every single week. Then after trying a bunch, list out the ones you enjoy. Of the ones you enjoy, narrow it down to the ones that also have a lot of attractive women participating. Then just make a commitment to go to those activities 3+ times every week and each time have at least a brief conversation with someone there. Then if you pay attention you’ll notice that some girls will give you attention and show signs they’re interested in you. Those are the girls you go for.
dont put pressure on yourself to get laid. actually enjoy her company
Yeah, I feel like media and lately, red pill content, has and is pushing guys to rush for sex when an emotional connection is uh... kinda nice
@@TheGreatslyfer it would help a lot of dudes out if we had more lady friends in general. I feel like the issue comes from a strong lack of socialising with women platonically. it turns into this thing of trying to smash the next person that gives you a bit of positive attention that find decent looking. When i was in college for a year, i had a bunch of lady friends and that helped a lot. And lady friends leads to meeting potential girlfriends. Having lady friends also probably "verifies ✅️" you to other women (unless you act feminine then theyll think otherwise). I didnt come to this realisation until several years after the fact 😅.
💯agreed. the idea that men and women cant be friends is very immature thinking. you cant and don't need to sleep with everyone@@edattacks
@@TheGreatslyferred pill content doesn’t push guys to rush for sex. Red pill guys aren’t getting dates
@@minabotieso6944 redpill is missinterpreted
I'm a 43 year-old virgin. Went on my first date at 41. No big deal.
Depends on what your goals are. I find starting dating in the 40s late as fuck and selfish if you want to start a family.
@@theawesomesausage bad take. Nobody gets to define what "late" is for another person. And calling it selfish is just ridiculous.
@@theawesomesausage how is it selfish when it's not even his choice
@@theawesomesausage You’re in no position to gatekeep when it’s “acceptable” for other people to start a family. Stay in your own lane. Besides, my parents had me in their 40’s and I *never* had problems that stemmed from them having me at their age. 🤷🏻♀️ I even consider myself lucky because they were much wiser by then and, as a result, I turned out much better than my older siblings did.
@@Dimitris_Balfthat's nonsense.
I was a 33 year old virgin too. Don't let ANYONE rush you or tell you anything is wrong with yout choices.
30 year old virgin here.
Holding a conversation is so frustrating for me. I feel like most people can hold monologues about the stupidest topics, but when I try to say something, I get cut off, or I start talking but somebody else has something to say, and nobody is paying attention to me anymore. I didn't even have a chance to finish my thought.
This escalated to my friends telling me that when I talk now, especially if I want to tell them something, I sound aggressive and angry. I feel so lonely sometimes, like nobody wants to hear what I want to say, ask for my advice, or hear my opinion, whether I'm in a room full of people or with just one person, friends or family.
Three days ago, I had a meltdown and started crying while driving. I feel like I'm just a random NPC, an inconvenience for people who accidentally interacted with me.
I'm 22 and a virgin. I personally believe relationships are not found but built.
One thing I can say I'm true to myself and will not hide my hobbies or interests or passions. Saying "I'm gonna stay with this person even though we might not be that compatible" is perhaps the worst thing you can do to yourself. Stay true to yourself and don't settle for something you can't feel. I would rather die alone than end up in an unhappy and dissatisfied relationship just so I can have kids. Another thing i want to add is don't date just for sex please, it will ruin you mentally and it will not leave you in a good outcome.
Your other half should be someone you can actually love and feel the connection between you two rather than staying with that person because you got no other choice.
Dr K breaks down problems into atoms and make explainable compounds out it. Works like a charm!
Literally the next video is just going to name me directly, I swear to god
One thing I've noticed with expectations in relationships, is I feel as if either something absolutely has to work out with someone at all costs, or I have zero interest in getting to know them and seeing if there's anything there. And I'm definitely one of those people who's guilty of looking back at the women who were potentially into me, and wondering if I should've said or done something so we could be happily married to this day. The mistake in all that of course, is believing that every relationship prospect either must go off flawlessly and if it fails, it means you did something wrong, OR you have to avoid it altogether so that nothing ever goes wrong, even though this completely seals off the potential for anything to go right.
There's this saying of "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing poorly" - and attempting to implement it made significant improvements to all parts of my life. I have a disabling perfectionism in other areas of life so...I get that. I used to beat myself up over not predicting that someone will behave in a shitty manner all the time until I've realised and truly internalised that hindsight is always 20/20 and yesterday you made the best decision possible with what information was available then. Of course new information would make the situation different, but one couldn't have known.
So many people have just given up on dating/ relationships ENTIRELY. Its a little sad when you've given up so completely. Speaking about some of my old friends
Sometimes it's the rational response. It's better to give up than to emotionally torture yourself hoping that you'll change your status
So what?
to me is sounds like a drug. once you try it, you want to keep coming back and you will never truly feel as you did pre exposure
@@Dimitris_Balf no it's realistic
@@Dimitris_Balf im definitely not asexual lol
I appreciate the work you do Dr.K! Thank you for everything.
I'm a 32 year old virgin and I wonder if it's even worth trying to date and just keep living on my own. But at the same time, the loneliness is pretty crushing and I have no real social network. I have no idea what I want or what I want to do anymore.
Same. I just read books practice guitar and learn new skills that I can apply for a job if my anxiety ever goes away.
*Sees title* hasn't happened to me yet but can be useful in the future
Please, more content for 30 year olds
I really wish more people and therapists were like you
Im very grateful that Dr. K has created one of few spaces particularly for men's mental health. Im not a man but I really appreciate that this is a channel that promotes actual healthy solutions.
Keep doing what you're doing Dr. K!!
The Men's Rights Advocacy channels were great for this, but the smear campaign and mass flagging of feminists essentially shut down the presence of the community and channels of RUclips over a decade ago.
The reason all the manosphere content seems like shallow and worthless repeats these days is because it is. You have pickup artists rebranding themselves to sell expensive courses. It's messed up.
Yes Dr. K talks so much about men’s mental health but Dr. K has said it many times that most men who self delete show no signs of mental health issues. They were just struggling that bad. Really struggling with dating is not a matter of mental health
Imagine unironically believing this
Holy crap the timing of his videos continues to get more and more impeccable.
hahahah
i was surprised , yesterday i just wrote my intention and his video showed up , im so happy that i saw it
This channel satiates my fascination with psychology. Thank you so much for your expertise and the great tips, especially the ones tackling anxiety and depression.
Among other things lol. It's the best when doc goes cultural and intros a video wearing a Yogi beard outfit and talks in an Indian accent.
Thank you for touching on the fact that shyness doesn’t correlate to extro/introversion or anxiety!!!!
I am extremely shy that some may even say I am a loner. But I am a big extrovert and have little anxiety. Just very shame based.
People have a hard time wrapping their head around this!
This is such a painful subject to watch, I can l feel my stomach physically repel from my phone. I’m a female who is a late virgin due to being raised in a cult, lack of opportunities (I’m asocial and likely neurodivergent), and serious self esteem issues. Currently, I’m speaking to a guy I met on a dating app a few months ago and he’s interested in me (hell knows why). However, when he mentioned watching “boring” porn a couple times, I can’t help but feel like he might compare me harshly to the women in it if he sleeps with me. I look *nothing* like them and my skills and experience… well, you know… pretty boring. If he thinks a gorgeous sex worker in her element is uninteresting, what will he think of me? It’s scary, disheartening, and, tbh, makes me want to distance myself a bit even though I like the guy.
Edit: He didn’t mention the porn until a couple months into heavy communication with him. If he brought it up soon after we first met, it would’ve been over between us for sure.
Well done having the courage to share your story and feelings here. 👏
The truth is, almost no-one looks 'the people in porn', they are highly idealised for a reason. Any reasonable person knows this and won't judge their partner for not living up to those ridiculously lofty standards.
Logically, the guy in question must see something worthwhile in you if you're still talking months later. Protect yourself accordingly but give the guy a fair chance to show you that.
Most importantly, give yourself a chance. 🫂
My wife was in your same shoes when she met me off a dating app. She was 27, raised in a religion that kept her "pure" just like you. Meanwhile, I had a body count over 10 before meeting her but also came out of a 13 year monogamous marriage a few months prior. If he's right for you, he will be patient with you and not demean you with porn comparison crap (unless you're okay with it or have a kink with that/find it funny). Give him a chance if you are really interested in him, and Goodluck. Hopefully he treats you right too!
Probably not a good idea to date someone somone who brings up porn in the conversation, especially that early on.
@@Random.Access.Memories.yea. That dude's brain is cooked lol
It’s a good thing to not be ran through, the best thing you can do is hold on to your purity
I’m a 39 woman, virgin and have had no dates. I used to feel anxiety about that, but once I deconstructed the feeling, I realized that it was more about what other people thought about it than how I did. I also tried to put a label on it. Am I ace or autistic? though sometimes I feel more bi. But then I let that go to. I’m happy, healthy and fulfilled. If I get into relationship, that’s fine, but it won’t change my life for the better.
Honestly i think a woman being virgin is not a bad thing especially if you look at least like a 4/10. You still have good chances but men have it harder in this situation.
I dont understand why being virgin is a problem?
In our country virginity is considered as a good thing.
And as a virgin myself, I want a virgin wife too!
Virginity is the best gift you can offer to your partner
I’m a female in my upper 20s. I went on my first second date this year. I cried myself to sleep that night and had a panic attack the next day.
Well that sounds fun...
😢
I am also a female who had her first date at 29, you're not alone!!
@@Jimmy0123459876 Dude, I’m just as confused. I don’t know why it felt so overwhelming after
My question would have to be, do you actually want to date? Because if it makes you feel that bad, maybe you don’t want to. It might be worth deconstructing that feeling and try to figure out if you’re dating because society says you should, or because you really want to.
If it takes me 30 years to get a date. I can’t look at as practice for next date, cause there might not be second for another 30 years
💯
give my man 👏. just getting a callback is half the battle
Aaaaaa I have my first first date as an adult in 11 dayssss. The "Vibe Check" is a great way to put it. Taking care of yourself raises your vibration! Gonna be real good from now on and keep it going !!! For the love of fiyuk love yourselves!!!
Don't forget your essential oils and magic crystals. Those will fix your nebulous "vibes."
I'm 32 now lol and not even close to dating someone. I still haven't been able to gather my shit up, as they say. Still broke, still did't find myself in professional world. And as the time goes on, I think more and more often that I won’t be able to live normal life at all and it's pointless to live on.
And writing comments on RUclips about this is already a symptom in itself.
Sometimes it's better to be broke because people will see you for yourself and not just what you can give them.
@@kennongilson2768 IF people see you.
And to think that the 35 year old single mother you're going to end up dating it was probably having the time of her life when she was younger
Basically in the same situation. 31 and have worked one year in a warehouse. Applied to hundreds of jobs high and low. Learned programming on my spare time. The job market is fundamentally broken and resumés are just mathew effect incarnate.
@@yeetdeets Hmm, no, I was kinda working the whole life. On a railroad.
Just the salary was humiliatingly low. Something around 300$. So I was living in my father's house until 31, because I couldn't afford to pay 200$ for rent. I'm from Ukraine.
Now in Germany, trying to get new education for free. No success so far, because I can't yet speak german lol.
That's confidence talk at the end needs to be a short, that one about comparing yourself to a Frankenstein's Monster of traits instead of actual people. That one was good.
Interesting discussions on arranged marriages and differences in eastern vs western norms in dating. I’m Chinese Canadian and my parents are in several local WeChat groups consisting of other parents who are looking for bf/gf for their daughters/sons. The group organizer has created an entire list of prospects (including infos like name, job, height, degree, hobbies, and others you typically see on dating apps) for the parents to review, and parents would dm each other if they think their children are good matches. And only if parents of both parties agree, then the children will be introduced to each other. From this point on, it’s kinda like a match on the dating app.
I think it definitely shares similarities to what Dr. K said about parents approving before you could date the person (in fact, before you would know the person). I have told this to some of my western friends and this idea just completely blew their mind. At the same time, my eastern parents are also super against the idea of dating apps because of scams.
As someone who has been on 1 date and failed 1 date, I can say that communication is key. If you need to take things slow, say it. I should've.
To anyone watching this, do the actionable steps in this video even if you don’t have a date, prepare now the sooner the better. Imma start
10:56 interesting part on shyness, introversion vs extroversion, confidence, quietness, awkwardness, comparisons and getting better
Your videos are amazing, i really appreaciate what you do. Interesting talk about the shyness!
Don't treat the date like a game level where you have to achieve something, just freaking go and have a good time. The moment you stop caring about the outcome, everything will fall into place. If it works, it will.
Good luck man! My friend had her first date at 32 and is happily married now. Best luck!
A woman who never went on a date with a man until then?
10:54 the village rule is still very actively followed in my village (UP, India) because they consider the whole village a family and you cannot marry your "siblings". So you need to look in the next village which isn't very far (around 10 kms).
You know what, going chill true speed date was actually valuable confidence boost... I don't know where I am going, but it is feeling I have...
Building up self-confidence is such a key aspect. In order to feel confident that others will accept us, we first need to be accepting of ourselves.
You can’t manifest self confidence on your own without help from others
@@minabotieso6944 it's absolutely possible! The strongest confidence comes from within ourselves. If we rely on others for our own confidence, then we might also rely too much on their negative opinions of us. No one needs to hold power over our self-confidence but us.
Self-confidence does not exist in a vacuum or separate from society. Self-Confidence without regular social reinforcement is just delusion.
@@minabotieso6944yeah it's a vicious circle where you need confidence to build confidence
Both of you are wrong. Confidence isn't something you build up to, it's something you realize.
When I was younger I'd get so much anxiety over aging and having no success with women. I met my wife when we were both 28 and we were both virgins. We need to stop acting like sex is everything. If someone judges you for your lack of experience when you meet them, is that really the type of person you want to be with anyway? If you find the right person, you have literally the rest of your life to not only gain experience, but tune yourselves to what is best for each other.
i've been out with others a couple of times and I have learnt to not put any expectation on the table.
and guess what, we can talk. god, we talk deep topics easily.
> how're things going in your life?
< not well... work is tough. don't really have anybody to talk to
> oh? how come? what about your colleagues?
< they formed their own clique and it's not easy for me to join them
> -hey, don't worry. you can talk to me-
> hmm.. how does that make you feel?
i feel like I've taken so much advice on not hitting on people that I am now their mental healthy buddy.
it's tiring. it's boring. such a narration goes down a very stereotypical journey that I can do this in my sleep.
> listen. empathise. acknowledge her feelings. ask if she has any ideas on what she can do. suggest alternatives if all else fails.
30? That's cute. I'm 43 and a virgin. And I'm not even bothered by it. And just like most people, I can lose it whenever I feel like it by paying the... professional. I'm just not interested.
Yeah, that's what I consider as relevant in those conversations. Clearly, the virginity itself isn't the issue, as it can be dealt with easily.
Having the experience of a teenager at 30 is a huge handicap
Not if you in the end remain virgin, then it doesn't matter
Having any experience at any age is perfectly normal
@@opliko normal doesn't mean anything. It's still a huge handicap
It sadly is. But it's not our fault. It's just bad luck.
Yeah, it is so funny how some people will downplay the impact of being a virgin in your late 20s as if it is not a big deal. How Is telling me my problem is not actually a problem helping me?
34 yo female virgin here. Crippling depression and caregiving for my parents who passed away. Life's been rough. Might start dating next year.. dunno.
Woman and virgin is the greatest gift. I wish you the best
A woman being a virgin and a man being a virgin are not the same. Men view a woman's virginity as a very strong positive, since it suggests that she might not be as difficult to be with as the average woman who's intimate history is much more voluminous.
Women are extremely harsh and judgemental against men who are virgins.
Women's virginity is a choice to keep or give away. Men's virginity is a mark of inadequacy and failure, the stench of which can never be erased as far as romantic events go.
Most men view virgin women as virtuous and pure, you have nothing to worry about.
@@sanjayraju988Really? A lot of men want to avoid female virgins esp if they're older. They feel the responsibility of being the "first". There are also "virgin hunters" who sleep with a virgin, then drop her calling her "spoiled". So no, not all men will find her pure and virtuous. She shouldn't mention her sexual status for a while; some guys will just want to use her.
@@rejectionisprotection4448 what are you talking. Never heard of either of those you mentioned
I am an extrovert once I get past my shyness. I know that it's painful to want to make friends, and be open and chatty, but I find it hard to get out of that first gear. I agree, that the lack of confidence has been the major stumbling block in my interactions. It has also affected my career because I don't want to mess up by saying something "stupid" or that wouldn't work.
wow dr k talking about shyness really hit me. i never realized that shyness wasnt a problem because i was always told that i needed to become more outgoing if i wanted to be successful in life. 13:13
Well this is a nightmare. I am no longer a virgin. I even have been with 2 women, not a lot but 2 is something. None of my insecurities have changed, they just shaped form. At first I was insecure of my virginty now I am insecure about girls spend a little time with me and then they got bored or dissapointed. The insecurities come from inside you, even if you get laid, you wont feel different if you dont work your inner part.
Scheduling a date a month in advance sounds wild to me...anyone else? 🤣
Long distance relationship with a foreigner requires some planning even under best circumstances (airports are stones throw away from both peoples homes and flight is up to an hour, every working day)
One (or both) of them might live hours drive away from the nearest airport. One (or both) airports could be really small and have flights like twice a week
One of them (or both) could be a carer for someone (kids, aging family member, farm animals, etc)
If both are adults with lives to maintain, month is *nothing*
My experience is that if the date is scheduled more than a day or two out, 99% chance it's not happening.
@@justb4116 Oh they didn't specify it was a LDR 0:17 in their post but I guess that could be plausible. But if this is the first date, are you even really "in" a relationship yet?
Sounds pretty normal to me
@@Dimitris_Balfhow is that weird?
My main tips for a first date are (1) make it casual, inexpensive, and simple and potentially short if its not going so well and (2) don’t sit across from eachother at a table, sit next to eachother at the bar, or one of those circle tables. Also, another thing is that before asking a girl on a date you can generally figure out whether you would have a good time going on a date with her. Like, do you seem to have any sort of chemistry or do you just think she looks good? That can be a bit hard to figure out in online dating so you maybe can’t be too strict with that, but if shes taking a day to respond and giving one word answers then it’ll be a bad date.
I'd say get your dating reps in and don't take it personally if it doesn't go well, and if possible travel solo (if you're like OP and have lots of time prior) so you learn to not mind how others view you but feel comfortable and capable in your own skin
Dr. K's perspective on focusing on personal growth and enjoying the experience rather than stressing over outcomes makes a lot of sense. 🤔
Hell yeah
Sad people are making fun of this guy in the comments, even sadder to be in that guys position
It’s a girl
It’s a girl.
Good shit
So basically we should start mewing
🤫🧏♂️ BYE BYE
I'm a 32 years old virgin who's never been on a date or even held hands. My problem is I need a deep connection to feel any attraction towards someone. Is it weird that I want my first relationship to be with another guy? I was raised strictly and religiously so thinking about all this makes me feel ill.
Not at all
there’s nothing wrong w being gay bro it’s totally normal
@@kaydkaydkayd Thanks, but Im not gay. I find women attractive, but I relate better to men so I find myself leaning more toward men.
@@YesIHaveManyProblemsThanks you can use whatever name you want to describe your sexuality, you can even don't assign yourself a tag if you don't want
@@danielegalluccio40 This is very true. I actually just got in a fight with a friend because he believes I'm a degenerate, I am but it still stings!
What do you do if it's not the sex that bothers you but the emotional intimacy / companionship?
Seek couples counseling because that stuff is extremely important long term. If you want a more direct approach do some digging on attachment styles, personal development school YT channel is great for learning to navigate relationships or knowing if it can work.
If You screw up a date it was most definitely never meant to be.
When you get to go on a date, regardless of the situation, just act as yourself (you already got the date).
Trying to cover up your flaws will only come back to haunt you.
You should obviously put your best foot forward, but being chill is the best way.
And if you aren't looking to whure but looking for longterm relationships, the "fun stuff" comes very naturally. It's not like one of you yells "its time for the sex!" and your clothes fall off.
Bruna I was just like you, and I started going to dates and practiced going to many dates ( no sex lol ) until I found the right one and with that person things happened naturally.
Confidence comes from success. Become as physically attractive as possible, build up some wins and positive reinforcement then try to make moves
Confidence does not strictly come from success. If your level of "confidence" is tied to the level of success you have in life, that's just compensation. You could be a loser and still be confident about being a loser.
@@sablesasquatchproductions6395 nobody cares if you as a loser are confident. The world will still see you as a loser. So don't be.
I like Darius's advice better. Its far more practical. Get in shape. Looks max. Get some wins in life. That'll build confidence and help you actually find someone. Its like momentum. Wins beget more wins
Yeah, it's important how we approach dates. Now I have a question: Do you all know what do you consider a date? I've been on like 0-5 depending on how I view them. In the past I was worrying about this, but I shifted my perspective and I sometimes forget that I'm a virgin.
Once I had like a weird experience/realization that strengthened this view. There was a girl I thought must be really popular, like a jackpot. I tried to figure out how to get closer to her. Then one day I was watching her carefully (hopefully she didn't notice :D), noticing every details about her face and instead of seeing her as beautiful I just saw things as they are. I think I've been blinded by feelings while looking at women. It's not about looks. It's about loving someone's personality. If you really meet a 10/10 woman then you're unable to mess things up, because 10/10 should mean that you fit perfectly.
So don't try to chase popular women, just get to know everyone without really caring about the result. If you think you messed up a date, then maybe the other person messed it up as much as you did.
Thank you; this is stellar advice. 🏆❤️
Sometimes I forget to notice that observing what is before me is what I do in other fields of life: so why not do the same with dating?
(instead of copying what others think)
So this is my best advice for those who are virgins and going on their first dates:
Don't try to do anything specific. You will feel fear, just feel it. You may feel shame? Just feel it. Just let things happen.
That doesn't mean the other person will know everything what's happening to you, people can read minds.
Yes, you will feel a lot of things, but the perception of the other about you will be different, they can't see inside you, so don't worry about that and be stresless in that aspect.
The first time maybe you don't enjoy it. It's ok, It's an aproach.
It's the stigma what is heavier than anything else. So just live the emotions you have to live, but don't worry about the other, they can't read your mind.
These titles give a lot of insight into who Dr. K's viewers are
😂😂😂
My biggest struggle honestly really isn't talking to girls. I have 0 problems conversing with a girl in a totally normal fashion. My biggest personal issue is that I hold myself back from asking girls out because I believe that by doing so I'm being invasive, nosy or demanding (I'm a 19year old college student btw). I also assume that girls just naturally won't want to date me because of my short height, not being skinny or me being autistic and it showing in how I communicate. This could definitely be a confidence issue, but it's so hard to just "improve my confidence". I've been told by society that I (a man) am not desirable because of these qualities. And I find it so hard to see if girls are interested in me because I automatically assume girls don't like me.
Should have premised with just because the date has been agreed to doesn’t mean it’s actually going to happen when the time comes. Flake rates today are through the roof to the point I’m actually shocked when people don’t ghost at the last minute or come up with a bizarre excuse.
I've had a few dates and kissed before, but I am still a virgin at 32 and that will likely not change anytime soon if ever given my current living circumstances, so it is just something to try to get used to and hope that the FOMO of it all won't overwhelm you.
I'm 30 and a virgin (completely fine with that waiting for marriage) and I've never been on a date. Been trying online dating for a month and no results. Been patient this long, so I'm not rushing into things. Whenever a first date does come, this video will definitely help lol
Your 30s is your prime as a man you've just entered you're prime
@@shanecorr1694only if he's a guy though.
I love how everyone in this comment section is gaslighting themselves.
This is semantics, but I would argue 'shyness' generally refers to social anxiety, not being antisocial. That's how I've always heard the term used. I agree that there's no need to change anything if you don't get a kick out of small talk, but if you're shy, you have social anxiety. You'd never use the word shy to describe some gruff loner dude in a movie who has no desire to be around or talk to anyone. And generally his personality does not exhibit a lack of confidence, just a lack of interest in people.
Life is an affair where we cross many rivers. Although life came before competition, living beings can't help themselves but to partake, even if all we have to do that day is travel the riverbank to reach the narrowest crossing to meet necessity. The people who cross effortlessly over the widest part of the river often shout to remind you of the ease with which they crossed. As you both live, why shouldn't you cross there? There is a tragic liberation in choosing to walk along the riverbank.
Sounds less like arranged marriage and more match making but also yeah i see your point.
33 year old here, still also have my v-card. I just never really connected with anyone, or flirted or asked anyone out so technically I've never been rejected. I also don't believe in something like love at first sight, though I do believe in sexual attraction at first sight. I just don't like the modern system of just jumping into a relationship with someone suddenly. For me, friends-to-lovers is the only possible path. So I don't really worry about dates or anything of the sort. What I need to focus on is just getting out more and making new friends, which at my age is weird, but I don't see why not. Don't care much for sex, or rather, I DO care, but even if some random cute girl at a bar threw herself at me I wouldn't be able to just take her home and do it. For me sex is something more than physical, so I require a deep relationship and deep level of trust to even consider getting into bed with someone. I mean I'd have to know someone relatively well before I would even consider bringing them over to my house for lunch or whatever.
At the end of the day, I'm not actively working towards it nor am I actively avoiding it. If it happens happens, and if it doesn't I'm not gonna cry over it. I'm happy enough by myself.
It boggles my mind how some guys I know just go to the bar at night and take a random girl home (sometimes a foreign one!) and just have sex with her and never see each other again. They're not even scared of getting a random STD from those strangers. My brain can't wrap itself around that.
You're probably demisexual which is quite rare, you really need to have enormous luck to find a compatible partner because vast majority of women especially in that age (late 20s and older) will put you in friendzone quite quickly if you don't show them you're interested... You also think in extremes because things are not black and white - most people don't really seek hookups but also don't need some deep platonic relationship and deep level of trust just to start dating and see if they're compatible in a romantic relationship.
I love your approach to dating. It's comforting. Thanks, Dr. K! Be blessed, in Jesus' name.
It's difficult to talk about it, because just opening that can of worms starts eating at your own self-esteem. And it becomes a vicious cycle that brings your motivation down, your energy down, your confidence down. In my experience the only person I can confidently open myself about it is my therapist. None of my friends are equipped in trying to understand my situation, I once opened about it to my crush at the time, she was taken aback, but seemed somewhat understanding, however, safe to say, that basically shut down any chances I had with her in regards of romantic pursuits, but at that point I was basically between a rock and a hard place because that insecurity of having no experience in sex has been leaking in almost every aspect of my life as well as my relationship with her, so it felt like I had to come clean with my situation or lose a friend due to me pretending that everything was fine when it clearly wasn't. And that's the worst thing about this shit, I've been denying expression of that fundamental part of me for so long, it is taking a toll on me in everything that I do. Sometimes it just feels overwhelming, like something is clawing, ripping me inside. It's f**king bullshit.
Bro you got a problem and it's not your virginity. It's the voice in your head telling you "I'm not good enough" simply because you don't have experience with sex. Instead of resisting and fighting it, when this topic triggers you, you need to embrace it in your mind. Embody it, and let it go. By that I mean instead of hating yourself you should tell yourself it's okay and you love yourself for who you are, because it's not healthy what your doing.
Eh, some things were just not meant to be so I will have to live with that. God knew I would be too powerful if I had ability to interact with people properly.
I am a 35 year old virgin (going to be 36 this year) and I dont feel bad about it. I am Catholic, so I uphold my beliefs and standards of a traditional Catholic person. May not get me laid 😅 but it will get me into Heaven 😏 I feel there is always a huge negative emphasis on getting laid and being an old virgin. But when I tell people about it, they are amazed. In fact, a girl I dated recently loved that I was a virgin since I upheld my values. She said that she loved I hold firm values and beliefs. I believe that God will put the right person into my life, and while sex will be great, there is something much bigger that I am looking forward to with a future wife. Companionship, love, and support. I say, do what you believe is right, even if the world says that you are wrong. In Christain terms, follow the narrow path. Cheers!
Cope
Too late. Extremely embarrassing to explain myself. This is instant grounds for rejection. It's over. It never began.
7:10
The funny part is my parents DID talk to me that way
I was raised to believe the world was going to be cruel and unfair. That I should cherish any time I get what I want because it wouldn't happen often. Harsh words? Maybe. They turned out to be mostly right though
I'm a 30f never even been on a date, I don't think I would even know how to flirt with someone, this was really helpful, being comfortable in my own body sounds like a big one to work on.
Id not worry much about flirting but moreso yeah feel more comfortable with yourself. Some people like genuine actions over words, and I dont mean physical stuff but any gesture that you care about them. Relationships can thrive if you treat em like you would most friendships but with a tiny bit more priority and of course the stuff that comes with having a partner but it should always be consentful for both sides.
@@gatorssbm All of that advice hinges on actually being asked on a first date, so I can't use it.
@@Margatatials Itll happen eventually, not far off from your age and it just suddenly happened to me with a friend. Had 0 experience and yet its gone well by just always being honest, some really value that especially emotionally.
Unleash the Chad.
Becoming a wizard is an achiviement I seek, is a platinum worth like
Just good 👍
Just turned 29, never been on a date😅 this is timely
It's over bro, turn to Christ. That's all we can do
@@EliHankNo thanks
I am 25 and just can't ask girl out. I can't bring myself to do it, too scared and embarrassed perhaps :/
I'm working on it
I‘m also quite your age. May i ask how you rank yourself and how tall you are? Are you a good speaker?
@@sirstyle-qt1ur I am average height for my country. Not that is it extremely important with women.
I am a very good speaker in public, getting better at social skills.
Though i am far more confortable with men and have a better time connecting with them that i do with women.
How about you ?
Sometimes I feel like Dr. K explains something and it just clicks and I'm over here like"wow yea I'm gonna try it" and then he reads a question from the chat that is like a reset from everything you've just heard. Starting at zero again.
I admire his patience 😅
TIL I'm not shy. I just don't think anyone is worth it.
+1
Whatever you do, don't change your gender because you got rejected.
- Take it day by day and...
- Become a better man instead.
13:29
Heres my dilemma, i can talk to basically anyone, anywhere.
But if i so even as remotely find someone attractive its like i factory reset. To the point that i cannot even look at this persons feet let alone their face. Its paralyzing in a sense and ive found myself actively avoiding scenarios where id be near attractive people. For example, ive started walking down an isle at a store. Saw someone at the end who was attractive. And immediately turn and go down a different isle.
This is even after, getting in shape, developing as a person, getting more financial stabiloty, getting over some situations, and other things. Talking to Women in general has become near impossible despite having "girlfriends" in my younger years.
Im confused on how i would progress backwards to such a degree that im esentially infantilised in this area.
You are just in love with the way they look and sound but this is shallow in reality. Don't give anyone overdue worship until you know more about them, or target someone who has a more diverse range of qualities to offer.
@MagnyCoors fair point. It makes sense though.
The issue I have is I feel great I look good but I have no friends and feel like I put all the effort into the short relationships I have had
Watching this with Guts' theme playing in the background.