for me, in my mind i have sepparated the coward child and the seductive man. when i am more rational or angry, i see the coward, and when i am more emotional, i feel atrracted again… it’s a loop
He had NPD and I’ve been diagnosed with BPD & Bipolar , very toxic situation because I was extremely dependent on his body as my regulation and soothing, mainly because it was very passionate and sweet despite his abuse. And he told me word for word that I was the best s*x he ever had. I kept telling myself “if he was an actual bad person he wouldn’t be so caring in bed” and that’s what truly kept me in the loop.😅 Till this day I sometimes doubt the abuse he put me trough because of that.. So weird
I was attracted to the narcissist because he appeared to be caring, intelligent, and had similar values and goals to mine. It was easy to talk to him. The reality is that it was just an act. You still have to heal the trauma over time and you will struggle, but once you accept the truth, there won't be any love and you won't be thinking of the what ifs. It was meant to fail from the beginning and it's not your fault even if you fell for it. Personally, I never thought someone could lie so easily about anything and everything. Forget the small little white lies, it's just on another level with someone who is potentially has a Cluster B personality disorder. Listen to your gut feeling, even if you ignored it before. Good news is that it probably works just fine. 😄
thank you for writing its only words its understendable i fell for him and its not my fault it all ended up south i was burning from remorse how could i so much give myself good still is that now im so ashamed i think id rather never have sex again than fall in love with smb before he marries me
Glad you covered this.. my ex was extremely grandiose and his intense projected confidence attracted women like moths to a flame..yet he was in reality extremely insecure, especially about me-even though I gave him no reason to be-so he punished me all the time for anything that made him feel insecure, which was basically every other man on the planet, literally. He exuded alpha male sex appeal, had the lowest voice known to the human voice box and I was intoxicated into his web, but discovered that under it all he was a spiteful, emotionally immature temper tantruming toddler at best and an extremely dangerous psychopath at worst. Still miss the sex though as it was incredibly erotic although it wasn’t emotionally intimate, but ultimately non of it was worth the madness that I luckily escaped from alive and not broken. Looking good Sam ! Happy new year, and thanks for making this kind of info lighter on the heart and mind by your unique, blunt, humorous and charismatic presentation skills.
If the same one then sincere Condolences my dear! 😂 I think it’s an omnipresent spirit that shares itself amongst these mortals and uses hot sex as it’s main entrapment tactic… coming from the fires of hell it’s not surprising really (Sam is exempt from this condemnation- as we like him)
I find the similarities of these people and their personalities are really incredible... Prof. Vaknin just read the script of my past relationship, and I am again impressed. I finally saw and understood my own unhealthy traits, and it feels sad... the way I was all this time, but accepting them was the way out of a vicious narcissistic cycle. Thank you, Prof. Sam Vaknin, for your incredibly educational, eyes-opening lectures!
I had the exact same experience. I feel I will never have good sex again, yet I know that it was not worth the pain it would have caused. I thankfully only wasted 6 months of my life.
My experience is the narcissist kind of gives you permission to be yourself and explore sexuality, there’s no judgement at the beginning. This usually is enough to let go of constrains and therefore it feels amazing. But it isn’t long lived. I was with two narcissists and looking back, no, the sex wasn’t that great. Now I wouldn’t get close to this type.
Someone that actually has a brain and see things for what they are. The NPD partner wasn't really good at sex, they just allowed you do what you wanted during it, so it felt right (you were hypothetically just masturbating with someone around)
This man is absolutely right, you will have the best sex for the first few years. If you are lucky. Then it’s a complete tear down of self-esteem and self-worth, the sex eventually becomes something that you are terrified of. Good sex, or good life…? Choose life.
Thank you! Now I can understand better what happened to me. He treated me like crap outside the bedroom, and I struggled so to understand why I put it with it and went back twice. It was the sex. He made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet after six years of dating a covert narcissist. I went right from a covert to an overt in a matter of weeks. I was starved for attention. After that whole debacle I finally sought therapy for myself. Still a struggle, but I’m getting there. Have purposely not dated anyone for over a year now. Healing, slowly but surely.
It was different for me. I fell into a relationship with a narcissist when I felt bad, when I was drowning, I needed saving. No one promised me anything, that would only push me away. The attraction was automatically there. I transformed myself into a sex object and I wanted exchange. I had something to give and I was expecting him to help me, but that never happened. They just used me and didn't love me - which I expected in return...😯🥺😭
Excellent advice! 👏 ASK YOURSELF ALL THE WHYS! Then and only then, when you understand why you were attracted to them, then you won’t replace them with another narcissist.
@@CarolienArents Of course you do. You have a good heart that sees the best in everyone. And that’s why narcissists count on you not to ever leave them.
The narcs I was attracted to were immensely intelligent. They weren't particularly physically attractive, but I was drawn to their gravity and found them to be intelligent. Their presentation was fascinating, and they could read a room, knowing exactly what part of their internal Brittanica to show people. Now, while still attracted to intelligence (who wants to be bored?), I become the observer, not the participant. Its easier to spot them now, and I easily walk away, grateful for the entertainment.
Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin...my relationship history in 44:53 minutes.... - Unparalleled sexual experiences (check) - Sense of discomfort / people pleasers (check) - Danger associated with narcissists acts as an aphrodisiac (check) - Offers an escape and a sense of uniqueness (check) - Cycle of idealisation and devaluation (check) Despite my intentions to pursue healthy relationships, I find myself repeatedly ONLY drawn towards partners exhibiting narcissistic traits. I recognize this stems from unresolved childhood wounds (mummy issues) and a yearning for the familiar, though dysfunctional, emotional patterns from my upbringing. I am just so exhausted from it and wonder if I'll ever be able to develop a healthy bond with a romantic partner?
This is so true! I realized i was attracted to this person's risk taking, indifference to danger, sometimes overly confident then switching to child-like boyishness was the cocktail i needed...to be caretaker, nurturer, healer, be protected, have adventure, borrow his confidence, etc. You confirmed my self-analysis and im actively taking ownership of these patterns. Im so glad it didnt work out! So glad i woke up, got the guts to grayrock and then when he came back for me, brutally cut this person off forever.
Nearly every word you’ve said applies to my now ex-husband. It’s been 3 years now, and though I am still very much in love the illusion of him, I am well aware to stay far away from this demon in human flesh. It’s an unbelievable push/pull in the mind. I’ve said the same thing, I will never find another man like him, sex like that again and even grieved it. It was 22 years of an insane tornado of mindfu€kery that I didn’t think existed. I ran far away 3 yrs ago, my daughter and I are healing and there is a little bit of light I see ahead. Thank you Dr. Vaknin, you helped me to understand that I wasn’t crazy, that I was right about what was happening, and that I had to carefully leave, and stay away this time. Understanding, and listening to what is exactly happening to YOU, is what I needed. Much gratitude to you for helping us see through the fog, the veil, and make a way out, a way to gain back our sanity.
I get it. When the sex is that good, it's really hard to let go. I know. But I don't want the emotional pain that goes with it. The turmoil, upheaval and lies are not worth it.
Thank you for this topic. Yeah, we were just two pathologies fulfilling each other. People find my ex husband dangerous, for me it was catchy...daddy issues. I felt like his prosperity, he was protective of. A beast with a pigeon's heart - only for me. And I was ok with that untill he stopped to treat me like a part of himself. Started to be very cold, sadistic, detached and cruel. He also became very jealous of me and ready to fight with all my male friends, even the one living abroad, who was texting me twice a year. Finally, I was forbidden to go to jim and even work. I am a professor at a university, and he was paranoid about my male students. I realised I was treated like a thing that anybody could just take. I could participate in conferences exclusively when he joined me.. It was worse and worse with time. He was also addicted to alcohol. The truth is that I never betrayed him, even when I was left for months without any contact, in terrible pain and confusion.... I want to change myself just to end up happy and safe either alone or in a relationship. Greetings from Poland.
There was no intimacy with the narcissist it was mechanical and so cold. Before I met the Ex it was long distance. He sure talked a good game how good he was, love bombing and he hyped it up 1,000 % I visited him in his country and he more or less was ok. It was not until I came back to the USA, California that when he wanted more money and I said No that the devaluation was so devastating. He future faked me as we were supposed to get married and it never happened. He was so handsome, charismatic, alluring. He is a covert somatic narcissist. I've been a year NC. He's blocked everywhere but still stalks me on fb messenger with over 50 fake profiles. I block and report. Thank you for all the information that you share. Blessings ♥️🙏🏾
Hi Sam, well i definitely fall into the 'daddy issues' arena as you mention. He left us repeatedly as children for other women, yes he was a narcissist - and unfortunately my mum took him back time and time again. The last ex narcissist (3rd relationship) on meeting knew my vulnerabilities and co-dependecy and ran with it fully. I admired his confidence and self-assuredness (on the outside at least), this i was certainly lacking at that time and also his risk taking - the way he didnt follow social norms and was a total please-himself-pleaser. I was so used to the way of living he provided -the unpredictability, scaryness and being on edge from my own childhood - i was conditioned and ripe for the picking. Until you see things for what they really are and manage your own issues and see the reasons you allow the behaviour in your life, you will keep living in the state of alert - like a yellow weather warning, where you are editing and enhancing the reality of the situation. Looking back i saw the red flags on day one and wish i had listened to my gut. More body awareness is needed for all.
These people are just describing the illusion they saw in the beginning. When someone turns out to be a snake, trust that a snake is going to be a snake!
It took me some time but I eventually developed an auto-gag reflex when I meet a toxic person. Its like I learned to turn my "Spidy Senses" on for all people at all time. It has saved me years of pain and abuse. You can be as good looking and charming as you please. I will pick up on that empty monster inside. It took me about 20 years give or take. I'm glad I did. Hard boundary and I will automatically grey rock.
This video and others of yours make me literally stop in my tracks and freeze. This one just did it again. The things that are so dead on to my experience- I just can barely believe it. Thank you for posting these. Just wow… 😢
You are 💯💯💯 Correct..you described him, and you described me..thrill seeker..risk taker..I was so drawn to him..I viewed him as a challenge..the sexual attraction was unbelievable..but i also viewed him like he was a God..he was in the beginning, but over time the mask slipped.. and after 2 years i saw the monster..
Agree, I think I sensed the crazy in my ex (a woman) so it freed my mind so there were no limits or few inhibitions. Nothing crazy but really good. Not boring and really the key to getting addicted to her. Like you say however, after the golden period, criticism in bed started!! Or small comments that kill the mood. Etc. then it was awful. It was all we had after a point. I think also it is the intermittent reinforcement! inconsistency and roller coaster makes it more exciting. Those are the people having the fiery relationships always fighting …. You never know if they’re leaving so it’s really exciting when they say hey let’s hit the sack ! And then just forget about your argument. And the cycle starts all over. The psychological hook. And then eventually it just grinds you down and it becomes soul crushing and awful. And it finally is not worth it.
This is a Masterpiece!! Best lecture on RUclips about this subject. What i felt in my observations in that kind of relationships are translated into the sentences by Sam. Many thanks to Professor!
Yes you are so right. Its the first time ive seen myself as sexy or attractive. Its because he has idealized me and now ive idealized myself in my mind through him. I was so confused to as why its the most sexual i have ever felt in my life and why is the sex so good with him.
I've been listening to the practice nothingness videos and I find them to make a lot of sense and very helpful. I like the way you use language to explain such complex contents, so sophisticatedly and accurately delivered.
I'm a care giver to my toxic narcissistic mom. She was an awful mother. She's 95 I find myself torn. My insides are coming apart. How did this happen? She's sweet now which is so confusing to me. I'm trying to make her last years as good as possible. I've married only covert narcissists incapable of having sex after marriage. I try to help everyone. I'm so tired. I've been watching Prof Vaknin years. Counselors are not helping.
Read co dependency no more and learn more about attachment styles and find coping mechanisms for those 🤍 it takes time be patient with yourself you deserve love
That bad-boy image is how I came to be conceived. Tall, dark & handsome was drilled into my mom’s head. Dad left by my 6 month of life & mom proceeded to marry 4 more with similar personalities to him. Me? I learned 5 things to watch out for & avoid, drunks, hitters, fighters but somehow I didn’t catch on to the commonality of their narcissism. So I got me one of my own & have accepted it’s just life. Being a Jehovah’s Witness at the time I believed all men shared the trait. Videos like this have been lifelines to climbing out of this mental black hole. If you’ve read this far, you know where I’m coming from. To you I congratulate you on seeking help thru understanding. Mostly tho, WTG! You got this! ❤ We’re stronger than we think 🙃🫶
27:08 you Sir, just described basically the majority of the blackpill/incel dudes on the internet. What I also have seen is alot of narcissism combined with virginity and alot of delusions when it comes to human relationships. When you give these people solid advice like going to the gym and changing their diet to become more physically attractive, they will usually hate you for that and call you names lol
My father was a narcissist. He got a lot of attention and was well liked by people he met… until the mask fell off. He never stayed around long enough for it to fall off though. But gosh it was so icky because we all knew how much of a toddler he actually was behind the charm. And as a teenager, I couldn’t have just told these people - don’t be fooled, he’s an asshole even if every cell of my body was screaming that.
You just perfectly described my experience with someone after a 20 year marriage to my ex narc. I felt as if I was being sucked in to a trance. Attraction like I’ve never felt before. I’ve come to suspect this person is another narc and this pretty much confirms it. Trying to get out of the feeling. Unfortunately I have to interact with this person occasionally. When I can think logically about this person I do for moments get creeped out and afraid because I can see the red flags but then my attraction returns.
Somatic narcissist being a disappointment in bed is very true 😂 and I find it hilarious. I have BPD and my ex was clearly a somatic narcissist and it was all talk and no action 😂😂😂
@@dharma6525 na, she's just a BDP. Trust me they love their world being blown away. Boderline will break her back if she makes promises. Narcissists doesn't shows up and wants to you to do all the work after all that long dirty talk 😂.
Thank You Professor for this "for Real" video-talk/lecture. Very informative, Very validating.....Very sad..... Happy New Year and Very Best Wishes To Everyone !!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉
I can barely see you thru your Kari Lake film. Lol. Is it me? This fits perfectly. Knew he was driven by something! Awesome card too! You did so much to enlighten us this year and so rare! Wish it was mainstream! Thank you, Melissa!! Happy New Year!
I think meeting the main narc I got involved with was a jungian esque symbol for meeting my own unique brand of sex appeal actually. I felt sexually desired and felt the full weight of my attractiveness as a woman around him and his dark appeal resonated deeply within me as well so I unlocked it due to the experience with him and was able to come up with my own unique style that broadcast my essence and sensuality without shame because of him- I embraced what he saw in me and the dark type of sex appeal in him that resonated with me as well and made it my own. So I guess it was initiatory and that is how I can give it closure. Thanks Sam
A borderline with a narcissistic ex the sex was out of this world , but we both have effected each other both positively and negatively , but its a deep very destructive cycle it's heavy I always run I feel suffocated
My covert narcissist ex husband ignored the fact I was grabbed in the street by a stranger. I dealt with it myself and looked round expecting help and the ex had run into a pub. When I went in he didn't mention what had happened outside. He avoided sex and affection from the honeymoon week onwards. Part of that was not showering. 'NILF' and 'He's gorgeous and you're dead' hahahaha.'
Loving the look sam very sexy lol Now the narcasist I was with had a face like he'd been run over by a bus but I was very attracted to him thought he was the best thing since sliced bread 😅😅 but now im out of the spell and back to reality I went off bread 🥪 😊❤
So even if the narc is bad at bed, people would stay attracted due to unexplored fantasies + the attachment around. Does the borderline trigger even more attachement due to sex ?
I (male) liked having sex with the covert narc ex also a man. He has a big phallus that kept me hooked for satisfaction. I then fell in love with him, then saw his true nature post which all his abuse were heaped on to me. I came to know he was married and had multiple sex affairs. Slowly, i distanced myself from him which is still not easy due to the trauma bond. I have asked myself many times, what is it that i find in him that is so irresistible? I still do not get a clear awakening because I still remember his sex and have received nothing else from him apart from more abuse and torture. Apologies for being prude but I have found another person, who is entirely opposite to him (gentle and caring) but has similar phallus size enough to satiate me. Despite the size match, I still do not know why am I still attracted to my covert ex man thinking about him all the time......
How to trick a narcissit into having sex please ?😂 i think no one is better placed than you. Of course you already have videos about how to cope in a long term relationship with narcissist. You also mentionned in some of your video what kind of person the narcissist (or some specific attribute in them) is attracted to. But how to obtain short term relationship 😂😂😂. (i'm sorry about asking that )
@@samvaknin i tried but that's not enough. Should i be explicit ? (initiate or it would be percieved as an attack ?) Should i be crazy about the intensity/frequency of supply ( Could he percieve it as a secret agenda ? )
once you see you're dealing with a coward and a child in an overgrown body the attraction disappears and is replaced by pity
for me, in my mind i have sepparated the coward child and the seductive man. when i am more rational or angry, i see the coward, and when i am more emotional, i feel atrracted again… it’s a loop
True
True
It's replaced by indifference to me. I don't care at all!
@@dulavati Great! yes ultimately any emotions about them disappear. Same here. That's when I knew I was free.
Narcissists are very short term thinkers and will never suirvive without some very damaged people
He had NPD and I’ve been diagnosed with BPD & Bipolar , very toxic situation because I was extremely dependent on his body as my regulation and soothing, mainly because it was very passionate and sweet despite his abuse. And he told me word for word that I was the best s*x he ever had. I kept telling myself “if he was an actual bad person he wouldn’t be so caring in bed” and that’s what truly kept me in the loop.😅 Till this day I sometimes doubt the abuse he put me trough because of that.. So weird
I was attracted to the narcissist because he appeared to be caring, intelligent, and had similar values and goals to mine. It was easy to talk to him. The reality is that it was just an act. You still have to heal the trauma over time and you will struggle, but once you accept the truth, there won't be any love and you won't be thinking of the what ifs. It was meant to fail from the beginning and it's not your fault even if you fell for it. Personally, I never thought someone could lie so easily about anything and everything. Forget the small little white lies, it's just on another level with someone who is potentially has a Cluster B personality disorder. Listen to your gut feeling, even if you ignored it before. Good news is that it probably works just fine. 😄
sorry --- WHATS IS cluster B PERSONALITY disorder/
thank you for writing its only words its understendable i fell for him and its not my fault it all ended up south i was burning from remorse how could i so much give myself
good still is that now im so ashamed i think id rather never have sex again than fall in love with smb before he marries me
Glad you covered this.. my ex was extremely grandiose and his intense projected confidence attracted women like moths to a flame..yet he was in reality extremely insecure, especially about me-even though I gave him no reason to be-so he punished me all the time for anything that made him feel insecure, which was basically every other man on the planet, literally. He exuded alpha male sex appeal, had the lowest voice known to the human voice box and I was intoxicated into his web, but discovered that under it all he was a spiteful, emotionally immature temper tantruming toddler at best and an extremely dangerous psychopath at worst. Still miss the sex though as it was incredibly erotic although it wasn’t emotionally intimate, but ultimately non of it was worth the madness that I luckily escaped from alive and not broken. Looking good Sam ! Happy new year, and thanks for making this kind of info lighter on the heart and mind by your unique, blunt, humorous and charismatic presentation skills.
If the same one then sincere Condolences my dear! 😂 I think it’s an omnipresent spirit that shares itself amongst these mortals and uses hot sex as it’s main entrapment tactic… coming from the fires of hell it’s not surprising really (Sam is exempt from this condemnation- as we like him)
I find the similarities of these people and their personalities are really incredible... Prof. Vaknin just read the script of my past relationship, and I am again impressed. I finally saw and understood my own unhealthy traits, and it feels sad... the way I was all this time, but accepting them was the way out of a vicious narcissistic cycle. Thank you, Prof. Sam Vaknin, for your incredibly educational, eyes-opening lectures!
@@Lidiya111 good point “the similarities of these people and their personalities really incredible”. This is our saving grace
@debbie1873 what made sex so erotic?
I had the exact same experience. I feel I will never have good sex again, yet I know that it was not worth the pain it would have caused. I thankfully only wasted 6 months of my life.
My experience is the narcissist kind of gives you permission to be yourself and explore sexuality, there’s no judgement at the beginning. This usually is enough to let go of constrains and therefore it feels amazing. But it isn’t long lived. I was with two narcissists and looking back, no, the sex wasn’t that great. Now I wouldn’t get close to this type.
Someone that actually has a brain and see things for what they are.
The NPD partner wasn't really good at sex, they just allowed you do what you wanted during it, so it felt right (you were hypothetically just masturbating with someone around)
This man is absolutely right, you will have the best sex for the first few years. If you are lucky. Then it’s a complete tear down of self-esteem and self-worth, the sex eventually becomes something that you are terrified of. Good sex, or good life…? Choose life.
Thank you! Now I can understand better what happened to me. He treated me like crap outside the bedroom, and I struggled so to understand why I put it with it and went back twice. It was the sex. He made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet after six years of dating a covert narcissist. I went right from a covert to an overt in a matter of weeks. I was starved for attention. After that whole debacle I finally sought therapy for myself. Still a struggle, but I’m getting there. Have purposely not dated anyone for over a year now. Healing, slowly but surely.
It was different for me. I fell into a relationship with a narcissist when I felt bad, when I was drowning, I needed saving. No one promised me anything, that would only push me away. The attraction was automatically there. I transformed myself into a sex object and I wanted exchange. I had something to give and I was expecting him to help me, but that never happened. They just used me and didn't love me - which I expected in return...😯🥺😭
Excellent advice! 👏
ASK YOURSELF ALL THE WHYS! Then and only then, when you understand why you were attracted to them, then you won’t replace them with another narcissist.
And yet, I still care. And don't know how to stop that.
@@CarolienArents Of course you do. You have a good heart that sees the best in everyone. And that’s why narcissists count on you not to ever leave them.
The narcs I was attracted to were immensely intelligent. They weren't particularly physically attractive, but I was drawn to their gravity and found them to be intelligent. Their presentation was fascinating, and they could read a room, knowing exactly what part of their internal Brittanica to show people.
Now, while still attracted to intelligence (who wants to be bored?), I become the observer, not the participant. Its easier to spot them now, and I easily walk away, grateful for the entertainment.
@@dharma6525it’s not that simple kiddo..
@@cheekytitaable you're right
Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin...my relationship history in 44:53 minutes....
- Unparalleled sexual experiences (check)
- Sense of discomfort / people pleasers (check)
- Danger associated with narcissists acts as an aphrodisiac (check)
- Offers an escape and a sense of uniqueness (check)
- Cycle of idealisation and devaluation (check)
Despite my intentions to pursue healthy relationships, I find myself repeatedly ONLY drawn towards partners exhibiting narcissistic traits. I recognize this stems from unresolved childhood wounds (mummy issues) and a yearning for the familiar, though dysfunctional, emotional patterns from my upbringing. I am just so exhausted from it and wonder if I'll ever be able to develop a healthy bond with a romantic partner?
Simple advice: accept boredom in life and youll find peace and love
As long as you will put excitement before the rest, you wont pick better
This is so true! I realized i was attracted to this person's risk taking, indifference to danger, sometimes overly confident then switching to child-like boyishness was the cocktail i needed...to be caretaker, nurturer, healer, be protected, have adventure, borrow his confidence, etc. You confirmed my self-analysis and im actively taking ownership of these patterns. Im so glad it didnt work out! So glad i woke up, got the guts to grayrock and then when he came back for me, brutally cut this person off forever.
Spoken like a true narcissist
Nearly every word you’ve said applies to my now ex-husband. It’s been 3 years now, and though I am still very much in love the illusion of him, I am well aware to stay far away from this demon in human flesh. It’s an unbelievable push/pull in the mind. I’ve said the same thing, I will never find another man like him, sex like that again and even grieved it. It was 22 years of an insane tornado of mindfu€kery that I didn’t think existed. I ran far away 3 yrs ago, my daughter and I are healing and there is a little bit of light I see ahead. Thank you Dr. Vaknin, you helped me to understand that I wasn’t crazy, that I was right about what was happening, and that I had to carefully leave, and stay away this time. Understanding, and listening to what is exactly happening to YOU, is what I needed. Much gratitude to you for helping us see through the fog, the veil, and make a way out, a way to gain back our sanity.
I get it. When the sex is that good, it's really hard to let go. I know. But I don't want the emotional pain that goes with it. The turmoil, upheaval and lies are not worth it.
Thank you for this topic. Yeah, we were just two pathologies fulfilling each other. People find my ex husband dangerous, for me it was catchy...daddy issues. I felt like his prosperity, he was protective of. A beast with a pigeon's heart - only for me. And I was ok with that untill he stopped to treat me like a part of himself. Started to be very cold, sadistic, detached and cruel. He also became very jealous of me and ready to fight with all my male friends, even the one living abroad, who was texting me twice a year. Finally, I was forbidden to go to jim and even work. I am a professor at a university, and he was paranoid about my male students. I realised I was treated like a thing that anybody could just take. I could participate in conferences exclusively when he joined me.. It was worse and worse with time. He was also addicted to alcohol. The truth is that I never betrayed him, even when I was left for months without any contact, in terrible pain and confusion.... I want to change myself just to end up happy and safe either alone or in a relationship. Greetings from Poland.
There was no intimacy with the narcissist it was mechanical and so cold. Before I met the Ex it was long distance. He sure talked a good game how good he was, love bombing and he hyped it up 1,000 %
I visited him in his country and he more or less was ok. It was not until I came back to the USA, California that when he wanted more money and I said No that the devaluation was so devastating. He future faked me as we were supposed to get married and it never happened. He was so handsome, charismatic, alluring. He is a covert somatic narcissist. I've been a year NC. He's blocked everywhere but still stalks me on fb messenger with over 50 fake profiles. I block and report. Thank you for all the information that you share. Blessings ♥️🙏🏾
Wow, nice one!! ps: sexy jacket! You handsome son of a gun.
Hi Sam, well i definitely fall into the 'daddy issues' arena as you mention. He left us repeatedly as children for other women, yes he was a narcissist - and unfortunately my mum took him back time and time again.
The last ex narcissist (3rd relationship) on meeting knew my vulnerabilities and co-dependecy and ran with it fully. I admired his confidence and self-assuredness (on the outside at least), this i was certainly lacking at that time and also his risk taking - the way he didnt follow social norms and was a total please-himself-pleaser.
I was so used to the way of living he provided -the unpredictability, scaryness and being on edge from my own childhood - i was conditioned and ripe for the picking.
Until you see things for what they really are and manage your own issues and see the reasons you allow the behaviour in your life, you will keep living in the state of alert - like a yellow weather warning, where you are editing and enhancing the reality of the situation.
Looking back i saw the red flags on day one and wish i had listened to my gut. More body awareness is needed for all.
04vEnZmd
These people are just describing the illusion they saw in the beginning. When someone turns out to be a snake, trust that a snake is going to be a snake!
It took me some time but I eventually developed an auto-gag reflex when I meet a toxic person. Its like I learned to turn my "Spidy Senses" on for all people at all time. It has saved me years of pain and abuse. You can be as good looking and charming as you please. I will pick up on that empty monster inside. It took me about 20 years give or take. I'm glad I did. Hard boundary and I will automatically grey rock.
Me too, it took 20 yrs, and, yes, I am glad I learned how to identify them in the end.
@@colleenpage1265 I am as delighted for you as for myself 🌻💛
This video and others of yours make me literally stop in my tracks and freeze. This one just did it again. The things that are so dead on to my experience- I just can barely believe it. Thank you for posting these. Just wow… 😢
Speechless. Accurate in the most intimate way about something i could never describe
Shared fantasy as the Disneyland. Physical closeness as a dissociative hallucination.
Loving all these analogies, on fire 🔥
You are 💯💯💯 Correct..you described him, and you described me..thrill seeker..risk taker..I was so drawn to him..I viewed him as a challenge..the sexual attraction was unbelievable..but i also viewed him like he was a God..he was in the beginning, but over time the mask slipped.. and after 2 years i saw the monster..
Greetings from Armenia. We all have leather jackets. I think,it tells everything about us. Thanks for the Video.
Agree, I think I sensed the crazy in my ex (a woman) so it freed my mind so there were no limits or few inhibitions. Nothing crazy but really good. Not boring and really the key to getting addicted to her. Like you say however, after the golden period, criticism in bed started!! Or small comments that kill the mood. Etc. then it was awful. It was all we had after a point. I think also it is the intermittent reinforcement! inconsistency and roller coaster makes it more exciting. Those are the people having the fiery relationships always fighting …. You never know if they’re leaving so it’s really exciting when they say hey let’s hit the sack ! And then just forget about your argument. And the cycle starts all over.
The psychological hook. And then eventually it just grinds you down and it becomes soul crushing and awful. And it finally is not worth it.
Psychopaths deliver on the promise...
From my experience, you are always sorry eventually.
This fills in more gaps for me in my apparently neverending need to understand this dynamic. 👏🏻👏🏻
All very naughty children seem to be very cute..it's so parents don't throw them away 😂
This is a Masterpiece!! Best lecture on RUclips about this subject. What i felt in my observations in that kind of relationships are translated into the sentences by Sam. Many thanks to Professor!
Thank you prof.Vaknin, best wishes for 2024!
Yes you are so right.
Its the first time ive seen myself as sexy or attractive.
Its because he has idealized me and now ive idealized myself in my mind through him.
I was so confused to as why its the most sexual i have ever felt in my life and why is the sex so good with him.
I've been listening to the practice nothingness videos and I find them to make a lot of sense and very helpful. I like the way you use language to explain such complex contents, so sophisticatedly and accurately delivered.
Leave it to the professor to put a smile on my face 😊
Just discovered your videos and absolutely LOVING your content! Thank you for all your fascinating insight! It gives me a lot to reflect on
Thank you for all you do! Happy New Year! 🎊🎆🎈
This is the best one ever. Thank you Prof. Vaknin!!
I'm a care giver to my toxic narcissistic mom. She was an awful mother. She's 95 I find myself torn. My insides are coming apart. How did this happen? She's sweet now which is so confusing to me. I'm trying to make her last years as good as possible. I've married only covert narcissists incapable of having sex after marriage. I try to help everyone. I'm so tired. I've been watching Prof Vaknin years. Counselors are not helping.
Stay strong 💙
Read co dependency no more and learn more about attachment styles and find coping mechanisms for those 🤍 it takes time be patient with yourself you deserve love
That bad-boy image is how I came to be conceived. Tall, dark & handsome was drilled into my mom’s head. Dad left by my 6 month of life & mom proceeded to marry 4 more with similar personalities to him.
Me? I learned 5 things to watch out for & avoid, drunks, hitters, fighters but somehow I didn’t catch on to the commonality of their narcissism.
So I got me one of my own & have accepted it’s just life. Being a Jehovah’s Witness at the time I believed all men shared the trait.
Videos like this have been lifelines to climbing out of this mental black hole.
If you’ve read this far, you know where I’m coming from.
To you I congratulate you on seeking help thru understanding. Mostly tho, WTG! You got this! ❤ We’re stronger than we think 🙃🫶
27:08 you Sir, just described basically the majority of the blackpill/incel dudes on the internet. What I also have seen is alot of narcissism combined with virginity and alot of delusions when it comes to human relationships. When you give these people solid advice like going to the gym and changing their diet to become more physically attractive, they will usually hate you for that and call you names lol
This is an absolute masterpiece, thank you.
This title had me cracking up! Happy New Year, Professor 🎉
Very interesting… Yes, Narcissists are very alluring and an attraction. 🥰 Love the jacket 😎 Happy New Year. 🥳
My father was a narcissist. He got a lot of attention and was well liked by people he met… until the mask fell off. He never stayed around long enough for it to fall off though. But gosh it was so icky because we all knew how much of a toddler he actually was behind the charm. And as a teenager, I couldn’t have just told these people - don’t be fooled, he’s an asshole even if every cell of my body was screaming that.
I really love everything that you do here in youtube. I hope you find yourself in your journey.
You just perfectly described my experience with someone after a 20 year marriage to my ex narc. I felt as if I was being sucked in to a trance. Attraction like I’ve never felt before. I’ve come to suspect this person is another narc and this pretty much confirms it. Trying to get out of the feeling. Unfortunately I have to interact with this person occasionally. When I can think logically about this person I do for moments get creeped out and afraid because I can see the red flags but then my attraction returns.
I'm currently in the same boat. The attraction is intoxicating. Hard to stay away.
Great lecture as always professor!Thank you!
Wow!!! Fantastic video, Dr. Sam. Thank you for sharing.
Somatic narcissist being a disappointment in bed is very true 😂 and I find it hilarious.
I have BPD and my ex was clearly a somatic narcissist and it was all talk and no action 😂😂😂
Spoken like a covert narcissist 😊
@@dharma6525 na, she's just a BDP. Trust me they love their world being blown away.
Boderline will break her back if she makes promises. Narcissists doesn't shows up and wants to you to do all the work after all that long dirty talk 😂.
Thank you, I have been asking this question for a long time, looking for and waiting for information on this topic
Love the jacket Dr. V.
Thank you, now I can understand what happened to me.Thank you Profesorfor all you do. Greetings from Poland.
Masterful !!! OMG I am in Love .. Thank You Dr Vaknin 🥰🙏
With Respect🌼
Thank You Professor for this "for Real" video-talk/lecture. Very informative, Very validating.....Very sad..... Happy New Year and Very Best Wishes To Everyone !!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Happy New Year, dear Sam❤
I can barely see you thru your Kari Lake film. Lol. Is it me? This fits perfectly. Knew he was driven by something! Awesome card too! You did so much to enlighten us this year and so rare! Wish it was mainstream! Thank you, Melissa!! Happy New Year!
LOVED THE TITLE!
Thank you Sam. Greetings from Uruguay 🇺🇾
Hi my handsome and attractive Sam ❤
You fell for his trap!!! "Come in to my parlour said the spider to the fly".....🖤♠
I think meeting the main narc I got involved with was a jungian esque symbol for meeting my own unique brand of sex appeal actually. I felt sexually desired and felt the full weight of my attractiveness as a woman around him and his dark appeal resonated deeply within me as well so I unlocked it due to the experience with him and was able to come up with my own unique style that broadcast my essence and sensuality without shame because of him- I embraced what he saw in me and the dark type of sex appeal in him that resonated with me as well and made it my own. So I guess it was initiatory and that is how I can give it closure. Thanks Sam
Prof. Vaknin how do you know so well how it feels to be around a narcissist? That's exactly what it feels like.
A borderline with a narcissistic ex the sex was out of this world , but we both have effected each other both positively and negatively , but its a deep very destructive cycle it's heavy I always run I feel suffocated
Did you raid Pinheads wardrobe
Hellraiser reference btw
How would it look like a healthy relationship vs a relationship with a narcissist or a borderline from the inside and from the outside?
Search the life's wisdom playlist.
OMG SELF LOVE YESSSSSSSSSSSSS THANK YOU I FINALLY GOT WHAT I FOUND IRRESTIBLE
Valuable information
Perfect Outfit for this Video.
Thank you very helpful
The leather jacket to suit the theme😂🎉
My covert narcissist ex husband ignored the fact I was grabbed in the street by a stranger. I dealt with it myself and looked round expecting help and the ex had run into a pub. When I went in he didn't mention what had happened outside. He avoided sex and affection from the honeymoon week onwards. Part of that was not showering.
'NILF' and 'He's gorgeous and you're dead' hahahaha.'
"but we're in love!!!!!!" - The Tom Leykis show. thanks dad! Blow Me Up Tom!
Long Live Sam
Loving the look sam very sexy lol
Now the narcasist I was with had a face like he'd been run over by a bus but I was very attracted to him thought he was the best thing since sliced bread 😅😅 but now im out of the spell and back to reality I went off bread 🥪 😊❤
Uncanny Valley: does it applay to Borderline too?
No. Only to narcissists, psychopaths, paranoids, schizoids, schizotypals, psychotics.
@@samvakninwhat about covert borderline? Does it applay to covert borderline?
Because they feel like that can’t offer a woman what she needs is this why when they cheat they usually look for some one younger?
Daaaang, Professor! One glance at you in all that leather and say no more! 😅
I like the leather jacket 😂😂😂😂🕺🕺🕺🕺👍👍👍👍
NILF lol.
So even if the narc is bad at bed, people would stay attracted due to unexplored fantasies + the attachment around.
Does the borderline trigger even more attachement due to sex ?
Yes.
Deep insight 29:52
NILF❤
Only fools and horses
So…im
Buying me a black leather jacket from Macy’s tomorrow….Aloha🌺 from Kona, Hawaii….Sam, thank you!
Sex with my ex sociopath was passionless and robotic.
16:30 oh! The shared fantasy = the womb 'wannabe'!
look at you? look at ME!
I (male) liked having sex with the covert narc ex also a man. He has a big phallus that kept me hooked for satisfaction. I then fell in love with him, then saw his true nature post which all his abuse were heaped on to me. I came to know he was married and had multiple sex affairs. Slowly, i distanced myself from him which is still not easy due to the trauma bond. I have asked myself many times, what is it that i find in him that is so irresistible? I still do not get a clear awakening because I still remember his sex and have received nothing else from him apart from more abuse and torture. Apologies for being prude but I have found another person, who is entirely opposite to him (gentle and caring) but has similar phallus size enough to satiate me. Despite the size match, I still do not know why am I still attracted to my covert ex man thinking about him all the time......
Just wondering why the “Narcissist” is “He”?
Are there no “female” narcissists?
Half of all narcissists are women.
Because of rock jacket 😅
NILF ????!??? Uau
NILF :D
NILF 🤣
How to trick a narcissit into having sex please ?😂 i think no one is better placed than you.
Of course you already have videos about how to cope in a long term relationship with narcissist. You also mentionned in some of your video what kind of person the narcissist (or some specific attribute in them) is attracted to. But how to obtain short term relationship 😂😂😂. (i'm sorry about asking that )
Provide him/her with narcissistic supply.
@@samvaknin i tried but that's not enough. Should i be explicit ? (initiate or it would be percieved as an attack ?)
Should i be crazy about the intensity/frequency of supply ( Could he percieve it as a secret agenda ? )