05: How Orgasms Are Hurting Your Relationship (and how to fix it) - Marnia Robinson

Odds are that the way that you’re having sex is actually causing problems in your relationship. In this episode, you will find out how having orgasms is a surefire way to lead you toward getting bored of your partner, creating problems, and breaking up - and how karezza (or non-orgasmic sex) can completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Experience the increased closeness, desire, and feelings of fulfillment in relationship that will help you sustain partnership over the long term.
My guest today is Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships.  Her book is about how sex and orgasms affect your biochemistry, how it can undermine your relationship, and she also describes a way of lovemaking that boosts your bonding biochemistry to help you increase your love and fulfillment in your relationship.
Marnia is a graduate of Brown and Yale and a former corporate attorney.  She blogs on Huffington Post and serves on the board of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Marnia is also the moderator of the website www.reuniting.info where you can find more information about karezza and evidence to support how switching to non-orgasmic lovemaking will actually lead to a happier, more intimate relationship.
Here are some of the details of our conversation:
When you have an orgasm, your brain gets the biggest natural blast of neurochemicals possible without drugs.
The “ripple effects” of how this blast changes your internal biochemistry can continue for up to two weeks and affect how we view our partner and the world around us.
Some of the ripples you might experience are: mood swings, depression, anger, irritability, mental fogginess, boredom, and fatigue
While western society has become very orgasm-focused, other cultures have had teachings (many of them ancient) that advocate abstaining from too much sexual climax because of weakened energy. Now science can actually back up this advice.
It makes sense in terms of evolution and fostering diversity why you would want to grow tired of one partner and seek out another. However, since we humans are in the rare 3-5% of mammals that pair bond, we have two competing bio-mechanisms at work. If you stick with orgasm-centered sex, then you are going down the road of habituation to your partner. On the other hand, if you practice sex that is non-orgasmic, you activate the pair bonding circuitry more and more strongly over time.
When you are focused on bonding activities, you actually become increasingly satisfied in your relationship - and take yourself off the path that would otherwise have potentially led to your dissatisfaction.
Bear in mind that there is a difference for new lovers, who are in the “honeymoon neurochemistry” phase for the first two years of a relationship. During this phase you won’t be as susceptible to the same pattern of habituation - but by the time you reach two years you are in danger of rapidly shifting into an orgasm-driven downward spiral.
Marnia encourages gentle lovemaking and intercourse without being goal-driven and orgasm-seeking.
She also teaches attachment cues or “bonding behaviors” that should be part of each couple’s daily relationship.  If you download this show guide you will ALSO get a link to her FREE GUIDE on bonding behaviors that will foster oxytocin production in you and your partner.
This kind of sex brings more attention to each partner’s needs, a stronger connection, more tenderness, lingering contentment, better communication, reduced anxiety, more energy, more understanding, and more balance in life.
This kind of sex is also sustainable over the long term. If you’re in a more dopamine (and orgasmic) centered cycle, you will potentially have to always be focused on new ways to create more dopamine. Why go down that rabbit hole when your body already has a mechanism perfectly designed to keep you sexually satisfied and in harmony with your partner over the long term?
Are you intrigued?  I promise that you will learn things you have probably never heard before from Marnia’s practical explanation of these techniques.  Give them a try, and please let us know your results!
Links and Resources:
www.reuniting.info   - Marnia’s website
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow on Amazon
Text PASSION to 33444 to download the pdf version of this episode guide AND Marnia’s Free Guide to Bonding Behaviors. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of "Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” by Marnia Robinson.
Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook
www.neilsattin.com/cupid   (Marnia’s episode page on my website)
Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:
The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

[@PassportGods]

25:55 Bonding behaviours.
30:50 More sensitive to pleasure.
36:24 What to expect as a man over the long term.
50:26 Tantra.

[@CobraFlows]

This video is solid gold, this needs to be shared!

[@crisaldocapito7436]

Great Interview, this info is more valuable than Gold.
From Mozambique, Africa.

[@slomnim]

chronically underviewed!

[@Immanuel11.11]

What I believe is not being addressed here is that orgasm are separate thing from ejaculation. And I’m coming from having had direct experience of both exclusively. Orgasms don’t hurt if you don’t squirt. Read “The multi orgasmic man” by Mantak Chia

[@Gieszkanne]

She mentioned taoist sex practice several times. She must know about this so I wounder why she doesnt speak about this.

[@GoldJacketLuke]

Excellent conversation!

[@icarooliveira3856]

Just seen your videos where you mentioned her book, you talked with so much enthusiasm that I decided to hear more about it. Have you thought about interviewing her yourself?

[@MasterNofap]

Luke!

[@mastermandarin師父中文]

Thank you.

[@Immanuel11.11]

Did she say we boost our immune system by having multiple relationships.? I would love to know the science behind this.

[@Immanuel11.11]

I came into this information shortly before my divorce. And attempted to explain to my wife at the time that I was going to abstain from ejaculating for a while and she might have thought I was having an affair. I told her it was a ancient Chinese secret. And she just knew I was lying to her. Thinking back on it it might have been just Ego shock. Just thinking how I would have reacted if the tables were turned. We both watched a considerable amount of porn when we first met.

[@izak-jn3vi]

29:33 your question shows a bit of insecurity every man posses.I think it is like someone who eats healthy for a while would never crave junk anymore.

[@nomonade]

"Evolution does not like monogamy" that sounds like complete nonsense to me. Raising a human kid is hard work and obviously a stable couple will be more successful at it

[@HedonismAndZen]

In humans ... evolution likes a pair bond to last 4 or 5 years until the infant is more independent. After that the father and mother are encouraged to find new mates to create children with different immune systems.

[@aNaturalist]

​@@HedonismAndZen that is exactly correct. It's great to see good replies like yours.

[@DrChaad]

Evolution is a myth.

[@spaceengineer1452]

It’s certainly not working. People are becoming dumber, more materialistic, voting for idiots...

[@meneleosaa7290]

love happiness meanings a prayer for the fulfilment of love.GOD YAHWEH ELLL

[@dances1424]

This guy asking questions out of kereezma, his out of touch from the conversation

[@trixycason313]

This is complete and utter bullshit 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@myotherusername9224]

Can you explain why it's wrong

[@Clarke1982]

elaborate.

[@Immanuel11.11]

Honeymoon phase reaction

[@ZitaMitzeth]

Thank you for information and insights! Very helpful and looking forward to read that book 🫶 hopefully have luck finding the right person someday that can understand this 🙏🙏🙏