10: How to Get Off the Rollercoaster and Get Back to Love with Diana Richardson

Does it seem that love comes and then goes away? Do you have the experience of being deeply in love with your partner one moment, and then the next moment feeling separate, or distant, or even carried away in a cloud of emotion? Well, we’re about to change all of that.
Today we have part two of our conversation with Diana Richardson. In particular, we are going to focus on how to always “get back to love” in your relationship - a topic in all of her books - and the focus of her book “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”. If you heard part one (which was episode number two of Relationship Alive, and focused on her approach to tantra), then you know that she is one of the leading sex educators in the world. For more than 20 years she has been teaching about slow sex - a kind of cool sex that will completely transform how you experience yourself, and your partner, as a sexual and sensual being. She has written more than 6 books on Tantra, is the producer of the award-winning movie “Slow Sex”, and people travel from all around the world to take the Making Love seminars that she teaches with her partner Michael in Switzerland. You can check out her website, livinglove.com.
Be prepared to learn a new way to experience your emotions, and a practical guide to always get back to love with your partner (and within yourself).
Diana reveals that this material, her work, was born out of her own journey and experiences.  She never expected or intended to write books and teach people, but obtained a completely new picture of sex through her lifetime with new insights and understandings.  The principles she shares developed organically, through awareness and observation. Her desire is to help others discover how their bodies are designed to connect in certain ways and clear up much of the misunderstanding surrounding sex in our world today.  “If one trusts the body and goes in with an inquiring, adventurous spirit, then all the answers will come to you.”
My conversation with Diana focuses on the following aspects of sex and relationships:
 
Flashing back to Part 1 of our conversation, Diana reiterates that when sexual energy is focused solely on the achievement or orgasm, then we miss the deeper levels of connection and awareness.  Focusing on orgasm is pleasurable, but superficial.  “There is a lot that can be engaged in and enjoyed while orgasm is hours down the road.”  
“Cool sex” or “slow sex” is a different way of having sex in which you are present and aware of your energy and your partner’s energy.  This kind of sex can be a vehicle for healing whereas the sensational style of sex leaves us with tension and brings isolation and separation from our partner
Diana explains the difference between feelings and emotions.  Feeling relates to what is happening NOW while emotion relates to something that happened in THE PAST.  Feelings stay in the system and become emotions. Therefore, emotions are basically unexpressed feelings.  
Why do we need to know the difference between feelings and emotions?  Fights between couples are often the result of something not happening in the present but the past.  Unexpressed feelings go sour in the system, lead to immediate disconnection, and become toxic—pure poison.  This toxicity often makes us want to seek revenge, and we spread the toxins around in our environment rather than deal with the underlying emotions.
How can we deal with emotions as they occur?  Identify when you are emotional and then sort the emotions out separately.  Learn to allow the feelings when they are present; don’t push them down and repress them.  Emotions are an aspect of the past being triggered in the present by a word, a deed, or a resonance in your partner’s voice.
Being emotional is not wrong, but not knowing when we’re emotional is wrong.  We often access old tension in a state of fear when what we long for most is really love.  We blame each other and are not able to look each other in the eyes.  We say, “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” or “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” All of these reactions spring from some kind of fear and allow the past to impact and destroy the present.
What are steps you can take to handle emotion properly?
Notice your emotions.
Admit your emotions.  “I am being emotional.”
Depart from your partner’s company, politely, and do something physical with your body to expend the emotional energy.
The danger in not separating for a short time is that the other partner will be tempted to become emotional, too.
Diana shares two “Golden Rules” from her book:
Never tell your partner that they are emotional.
Never put your anger on your partner.  Let it...

[@alphom1]

as you stop using sex to release tension and become quiet, what is there (including unexpressed feelings) has the chance to be known. ejaculation in particular, but also woman's orgasm, acts as a way to offload emotion, rather than become aware of it. as such, it becomes an addiction and needed like any fix

[@QED_]

If you're unsure about the phrase "cool sex" . . . consider the analogous "cool jazz" (compared to, say, bebop).

[@sarahjrurka]

Do you have another analogy/example?

[@QED_]

@@sarahjrurka It's just any analogy/example that points to the difference between the parasympathetic (relaxation) and sympathetic (excitement) states . . .

[@sarahjrurka]

@@QED_ oh yep perfect-that makes sense. Thanks!

[@fredpolster1354]

You can use woodprix, it has the best handbooks and ready instructions. You can learn much from them and make it yourself.