I received some great advice a few years ago; “Before you step up step back”… before a immediate answer give ourselves time to think about it first. If others don’t respect this and demand a immediate answer then just say no…
I had a friend like her. It has always been all about her. She told me we were best friends etc... but treated me horribly. Eventually I grew up, and realised how much happier I am without the toxic feeling of being used, and belittled etc...
Anna, you have such a gift for seeing both sides and being understanding to all parties. Your ability to look at a situation and pick out what needs to be corrected in future interactions is incredibly helpful, as is your solid advice. Another amazing video!
I used to befriend narcissists; not only nothing is ever good enough for them, they are never grateful for what you do for them big or small, they never make concessions for you or have the least of empathy, sympathy or understanding. Little by little I started dropping those people from my circle of friends and my life became very peaceful. Hopefully Fiona can sort her situation for the best.
Thank you for this, you are doing God’s work 🤍 100% agree. When I was around aggressive women, I’d regress, lose my center and fawn. They thought since I was such a “good listener” aka dissociate and mumble “mmhmm” once in a while while they monologued, that we were friends. I’d keep showing up to people please them until one day I’d blow my cool and they’d be hurt to realize we never really were friends. Has happened a few times and I regret abandoning myself to tolerate what was intolerable to me but also inadvertently deceiving them in the process.
People pleasing is an exercise in futility. However, it is a selfish, self centered society. Sometimes, the more we do, the more people expect of us. People do not love us for who we are, but what we can do for them. It is safer to just be alone.
that's what happened to me, we feel empty and lonely on inside, we crave human connections, but we end up trying to please everyone, only to end up feeling hurt.... it's like pull and push relationship....
I can relate to her Trauma as a child. I've recently been dealing with friends that put expectations on me. Calling someone "My Best Friend" leads to being put on a pedestal and people expect you to be a certain way. I feel for her. Sometimes no feels sad but it passes. Thank you for these wonderful videos. I appreciate all that you do.
So glad your shared this! Me in a nut shell! Its so hard in the moment to say no or even tell people how I really feel. Definately, a pattern with me. Its almost as if you step out of your body because the emotion is so intense! Thanks for your input and Fiona was thrown a hard curve ball.
This is so valuable!!! I have actually BEEN in this position before, and can completely relate. I have been a yes person and people pleaser most my life. I am only now learning the value of personal boundaries and being able to say No firmly and politely. And not feel guilt about it. Learning some language on how to do that helps a lot. Like some simple statements you can make and practicing them so your ready and not put on the spot and say the wrong thing. Helps build confidence, and actually true relationships as well.
An older lady in Al-Anon taught me how to say no. "I'd rather not today, but thank you." Another easier way to do no is, "How can I ....?" I'm much older now, and the lady who taught this to me is now in heaven, but I can even say, "Hell, no!" if necessary. I don't very often say that :)
I'd love to see you do an episode on feeling unworthy and triggered when getting married. I dealt with this when I got engaged and married and felt so guilty for not being over the moon. It just felt like I was setting myself and him up for disappointment, and I still wrestle with this.
Your videos are sooo spot on it's spooky. Last time you talked about withdrawing and hiding to try and maintain connection while I was busy hiding in my room....now you're talking about saying yes when you mean no while I'm writing a letter to the person i was avoiding trying to explain that from the beginning of our relationship I've been people pleasing until I finally snapped & started hiding...Yikes lol. Thanks for reminding me to be gentler in my letter and consider that I am also part of the crazy. Gonna sleep on it & send it tomorrow morning I think.
I always love hearing how impartial Anna is when dissecting the letters to her. Thank you, Anna. I feel differently about the option of saying "no" after saying "yes". The best thing is to think about it before answering and if the answer is "yes", I believe in committing and doing the best job you can. It's not forever and you can gently cut ties afterwards if the experience was horrible.
I am so affected by this video. I thought you'd go the opposite. When you didn't, I felt myself in her shoes. And, the best part - I could not only hear your wisdom, I could take it. I will write you soon, I have a huge issue, I need wise eyes on. I'm so glad I watched this. I'm - finally - ready to start the daily practice - in earnest. I have questions/fears/reservations!!! Thank you much for all you do!
You said that the bride might have cptsd because she calles Fiona "best friend" But it might be the case that Fiona has such a problem with saying her truth and being assertive that she acts like a best friend while actually not liking the girl that much. I had to overcome this sort of pattern in my life.
I was told, "You need healing." I know they mean well in my case but I have would searched and am standing my ground. I even asked several outside sources.
Ugh, I get stuck doing that a lot. So frustrating. I "rehearse" ways to say no but when my supervisor asks me I panic inside and feel like I "have to." Or if I say no to meeting up with someone I feel so nervous and guilty the rest of the day that it's almost like I should have just done it anyway, LOL....
Who else saves these videos for later because you're not mentally prepared to hear a reality check just yet? I know this video is about to rock my world
Perfect timing for me, as your videos so often are. Last night an acquaintance I've known for years texted me out of the blue, told me a tale of woes, and then asked me out for dinner or lunch. I know he's got a lot of issues, and while I was happy enough to run into him occasionally and chat, there's no way I wanted him in my life more than that. Certainly not in any romantic way! I may be lonely and want a relationship, but no thanks. I want a healthy relationship. What I did was lie. I told him I was involved with someone, and then wondered what The Fairy would have done or advised me to do in this sort of situation. I'd rather not lie, but even now I don't know what would have been the better choice. I could have said "No, but thanks for asking," but I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have let it drop there and would have asked why. I know he's got a temper. So, is a white lie like this okay, or is there a better way to handle it? When I ran into him and he asked me for my phone number a few months ago, I wanted to say no then too, but obviously didn't. How do you gracefully say no in these situations? I don't want to hurt his, or anyone else's, feelings, but I also don't want to do something I really don't want to do and end up in a situation like last night. Help.
Could you do a video about the flip side of this? Like if she would have said, "No," what it might have looked like and how to stand firm when people say things such as, "Well you're just jealous...or mad...or hurt." How to respond, if at all? How do we get past getting hurt from the responses to our boundaries? Thanks and love! Another great video.
This triggered me to review my life choices and write a nice mail to a colleague thanking him for an offer he made a while ago and that I accepted, now declining it, because I kept ruminating about it.
Thanks so much, I can’t even express how helpful this was to me. 15:44 - „if she has no friends, her marriage is probably wobbly too” - you should have a copyright on this comment Anna!
She should have politely declined being the bridesmaid I'd this "friend" makes her feel uncomfortable.. better yet skip the wedding, stay home and just send her a nice wedding card...
What kind of dialogue would you advise for someone who gets called weak by the person with CPTSD every time they feel sad (not often, and not arguing with anyone or asking for help, just sometimes scared or sad and trying to work through it)? They were raised by (divorced and remarried couples passing him around) two drunks (one of which was neglectful and a verbal abuser and pretty narcissistic), a verbal and physical abuser who tried to kill him, and a depressed neglectful hypochondriac. He was told as a child that his laugh was stupid, his smile was ugly, and if he was sad then "You better stop that crying, or I'll give you something to cry about". The abuse and neglect was from toddler age all the way through adulthood.
I don't think that makes a friend a narc. In England people were only allowed a small amount of people at their wedding.. like 15 if I remember correctly.. why would she put the girls boyfriend over her family ???
I feel for you because it is extremely uncomfortable. I thought the same thing about the friend though... And agree miscarriage is devastating for many people. Regarding the wedding...that is extremely stressful anyway and because of COVID you really were under a lot of pressure to limit people. Don't take that personal. Agree with Fairy, the better thing was to set your boundaries and be honest in kindness, OR, just serve in love a person that is needier than you. Sorry you went through, but learn and go forward and forgive and if ever appropriate, apologize if you feel led. Best regards. I have friends that speak to me in "love" without a relationship. It is surprising to me but as I get to know them I see that they are hurting too. I, however, am also getting paid back for the times I did it. Wish I had this knowledge before but am grateful I do know!!!
This is the second time I've heard you talk about narcissist traits in people with cptsd and I'd appreciate video on this, what does it look like and if you suspect that you may be exhibiting some traits how do you begin to work on them as you heal from your cptsd... (Edit) for anyone interested here's an earlier video she did on this ruclips.net/video/Q_0poJWcggY/видео.html
I received some great advice a few years ago; “Before you step up step back”… before a immediate answer give ourselves time to think about it first. If others don’t respect this and demand a immediate answer then just say no…
Great advice!
-Cara@TeamFairy
NO is so hard, especially anticipating their arguments.
It gets easier the more we learn to be honest with ourselves.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am going through that now. I am finally able to say no,but was not expecting the pushback I got!
I had a friend like her. It has always been all about her. She told me we were best friends etc... but treated me horribly. Eventually I grew up, and realised how much happier I am without the toxic feeling of being used, and belittled etc...
Anna, you have such a gift for seeing both sides and being understanding to all parties. Your ability to look at a situation and pick out what needs to be corrected in future interactions is incredibly helpful, as is your solid advice. Another amazing video!
WOW! Thanks so much for seining that love to Anna!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I used to befriend narcissists; not only nothing is ever good enough for them, they are never grateful for what you do for them big or small, they never make concessions for you or have the least of empathy, sympathy or understanding. Little by little I started dropping those people from my circle of friends and my life became very peaceful. Hopefully Fiona can sort her situation for the best.
Thanks for offering Fiona the support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
same, im still dealing with them on everyday basis, it's so hard to change the old pattern
Thanks for this video! I'm still saying yes and I'm 73. I only have myself to blame.
Thank you for this, you are doing God’s work 🤍 100% agree. When I was around aggressive women, I’d regress, lose my center and fawn. They thought since I was such a “good listener” aka dissociate and mumble “mmhmm” once in a while while they monologued, that we were friends. I’d keep showing up to people please them until one day I’d blow my cool and they’d be hurt to realize we never really were friends. Has happened a few times and I regret abandoning myself to tolerate what was intolerable to me but also inadvertently deceiving them in the process.
Small steps! It can take a minute to find our voice.
-Cara@TeamFairy
ש
People pleasing is an exercise in futility. However, it is a selfish, self centered society. Sometimes, the more we do, the more people expect of us. People do not love us for who we are, but what we can do for them. It is safer to just be alone.
that's what happened to me, we feel empty and lonely on inside, we crave human connections, but we end up trying to please everyone, only to end up feeling hurt....
it's like pull and push relationship....
I can relate to her Trauma as a child. I've recently been dealing with friends that put expectations on me. Calling someone "My Best Friend" leads to being put on a pedestal and people expect you to be a certain way. I feel for her. Sometimes no feels sad but it passes.
Thank you for these wonderful videos. I appreciate all that you do.
Anna, you are so genuine, intimate, vulnerable, direct and articulate with this subject matter. You are communicating so much. Very generous of you.
So glad your shared this! Me in a nut shell! Its so hard in the moment to say no or even tell people how I really feel. Definately, a pattern with me. Its almost as if you step out of your body because the emotion is so intense! Thanks for your input and Fiona was thrown a hard curve ball.
This is so valuable!!! I have actually BEEN in this position before, and can completely relate. I have been a yes person and people pleaser most my life. I am only now learning the value of personal boundaries and being able to say No firmly and politely. And not feel guilt about it. Learning some language on how to do that helps a lot. Like some simple statements you can make and practicing them so your ready and not put on the spot and say the wrong thing. Helps build confidence, and actually true relationships as well.
An older lady in Al-Anon taught me how to say no. "I'd rather not today, but thank you." Another easier way to do no is, "How can I ....?" I'm much older now, and the lady who taught this to me is now in heaven, but I can even say, "Hell, no!" if necessary. I don't very often say that :)
I'd love to see you do an episode on feeling unworthy and triggered when getting married. I dealt with this when I got engaged and married and felt so guilty for not being over the moon. It just felt like I was setting myself and him up for disappointment, and I still wrestle with this.
Such a good topic. I'll think about that. Thanks!
Your videos are sooo spot on it's spooky. Last time you talked about withdrawing and hiding to try and maintain connection while I was busy hiding in my room....now you're talking about saying yes when you mean no while I'm writing a letter to the person i was avoiding trying to explain that from the beginning of our relationship I've been people pleasing until I finally snapped & started hiding...Yikes lol. Thanks for reminding me to be gentler in my letter and consider that I am also part of the crazy. Gonna sleep on it & send it tomorrow morning I think.
right place right time...twice :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I always love hearing how impartial Anna is when dissecting the letters to her. Thank you, Anna. I feel differently about the option of saying "no" after saying "yes". The best thing is to think about it before answering and if the answer is "yes", I believe in committing and doing the best job you can. It's not forever and you can gently cut ties afterwards if the experience was horrible.
The way you responded to this letter was so loving and kind.
Wow! Just wow!
Thanks so much for saying so!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What an AMAZING video!!! The type of things I never had a clue about. Outstanding. What a gift you have, Anna. Keep sharing your insights
I am so affected by this video. I thought you'd go the opposite. When you didn't, I felt myself in her shoes. And, the best part - I could not only hear your wisdom, I could take it. I will write you soon, I have a huge issue, I need wise eyes on. I'm so glad I watched this. I'm - finally - ready to start the daily practice - in earnest. I have questions/fears/reservations!!! Thank you much for all you do!
You said that the bride might have cptsd because she calles Fiona "best friend" But it might be the case that Fiona has such a problem with saying her truth and being assertive that she acts like a best friend while actually not liking the girl that much. I had to overcome this sort of pattern in my life.
When I say no. Set a boundary. I am told I am mad.....
I was told, "You need healing." I know they mean well in my case but I have would searched and am standing my ground. I even asked several outside sources.
I just said yes to picking up extra shifts at work. Ugh. So tired . nice for payday. Terrible to go all over and do 10 to 14 hour days.
Ugh, I get stuck doing that a lot. So frustrating. I "rehearse" ways to say no but when my supervisor asks me I panic inside and feel like I "have to." Or if I say no to meeting up with someone I feel so nervous and guilty the rest of the day that it's almost like I should have just done it anyway, LOL....
Ouch!
Who else saves these videos for later because you're not mentally prepared to hear a reality check just yet? I know this video is about to rock my world
LOL
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, I just want to say you look extra beautiful today, and THANK YOU for all your help !!! Bless you sweet lady !!!
You are so welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good color for her!
Perfect timing for me, as your videos so often are. Last night an acquaintance I've known for years texted me out of the blue, told me a tale of woes, and then asked me out for dinner or lunch. I know he's got a lot of issues, and while I was happy enough to run into him occasionally and chat, there's no way I wanted him in my life more than that. Certainly not in any romantic way! I may be lonely and want a relationship, but no thanks. I want a healthy relationship.
What I did was lie. I told him I was involved with someone, and then wondered what The Fairy would have done or advised me to do in this sort of situation.
I'd rather not lie, but even now I don't know what would have been the better choice. I could have said "No, but thanks for asking," but I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have let it drop there and would have asked why. I know he's got a temper. So, is a white lie like this okay, or is there a better way to handle it?
When I ran into him and he asked me for my phone number a few months ago, I wanted to say no then too, but obviously didn't. How do you gracefully say no in these situations? I don't want to hurt his, or anyone else's, feelings, but I also don't want to do something I really don't want to do and end up in a situation like last night. Help.
You know us so well! Lol! Can't say no, then we create a problem that is toxic. Nailed it.
I was just thinking about this, and the notification about your video popped up.
Could you do a video about the flip side of this? Like if she would have said, "No," what it might have looked like and how to stand firm when people say things such as, "Well you're just jealous...or mad...or hurt." How to respond, if at all? How do we get past getting hurt from the responses to our boundaries? Thanks and love! Another great video.
This triggered me to review my life choices and write a nice mail to a colleague thanking him for an offer he made a while ago and that I accepted, now declining it, because I kept ruminating about it.
Words of Wisdom. Such Mature Counsel is in Very High Demand these days.
Respect ... from Boston
Appreciate the kind words!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks so much, I can’t even express how helpful this was to me.
15:44 - „if she has no friends, her marriage is probably wobbly too” - you should have a copyright on this comment Anna!
I'm so grateful for your videos❤🙏🏽❤
Thank you for another excellent video full of useful guidance and information. This is a very relatable topic for me.
I'm so glad!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Tough Love ❤️
I wouldn’t have gone to the wedding if my husband wasn’t invited.
Same. Don’t ask me to celebrate your relationship if you cant honor mine!
Where do we draw the line between holding a friend accountable for self destructive behavior and criticism? Really struggling with this one.
She should have politely declined being the bridesmaid I'd this "friend" makes her feel uncomfortable.. better yet skip the wedding, stay home and just send her a nice wedding card...
If... Typo . Fat fingers...
You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else
..
I think that this is dead on. But I had no clue. I missed the angle that the bridesmaid was part of it.
Saying yes to someone I was too afraid of violence to refuse them.
same, this was all caused by our past trauma, i guess your trauma is the same like me, violence and bully
Laura lord
@@withrowchelsinormanfzwicke4615 Lucinta lord
What kind of dialogue would you advise for someone who gets called weak by the person with CPTSD every time they feel sad (not often, and not arguing with anyone or asking for help, just sometimes scared or sad and trying to work through it)? They were raised by (divorced and remarried couples passing him around) two drunks (one of which was neglectful and a verbal abuser and pretty narcissistic), a verbal and physical abuser who tried to kill him, and a depressed neglectful hypochondriac. He was told as a child that his laugh was stupid, his smile was ugly, and if he was sad then "You better stop that crying, or I'll give you something to cry about". The abuse and neglect was from toddler age all the way through adulthood.
I don't think that makes a friend a narc. In England people were only allowed a small amount of people at their wedding.. like 15 if I remember correctly.. why would she put the girls boyfriend over her family ???
I know how it feels not bring able to read people...
I feel for you because it is extremely uncomfortable. I thought the same thing about the friend though... And agree miscarriage is devastating for many people. Regarding the wedding...that is extremely stressful anyway and because of COVID you really were under a lot of pressure to limit people. Don't take that personal. Agree with Fairy, the better thing was to set your boundaries and be honest in kindness, OR, just serve in love a person that is needier than you. Sorry you went through, but learn and go forward and forgive and if ever appropriate, apologize if you feel led. Best regards. I have friends that speak to me in "love" without a relationship. It is surprising to me but as I get to know them I see that they are hurting too. I, however, am also getting paid back for the times I did it. Wish I had this knowledge before but am grateful I do know!!!
This is the second time I've heard you talk about narcissist traits in people with cptsd and I'd appreciate video on this, what does it look like and if you suspect that you may be exhibiting some traits how do you begin to work on them as you heal from your cptsd... (Edit) for anyone interested here's an earlier video she did on this ruclips.net/video/Q_0poJWcggY/видео.html
thank you, every CPTSD person almost probably have Narcissistic traits in them, whether they deny it so bad and called themselv, "Empaths"
Sounds like her friend's miscarriage added to her PTSD and codependency....
Sounds like both women don't know how to read people...
Bridesmaid