This letter read by Anna was amazingly well- written. I swear I was the one writing this. So proud of gal for truly watching out for her Inner Being. Basically healing from her past present and future. U GO GIRL🥰 Also Anna, you are a super gal teaching us how to heal our Gentle Souls and find the Love of our life or...the LOVE IN our life. Blessings
Always remember, those who 'get offended' when you put up boundaries are most likely mad bacause they wont be able to take advantage of you anymore. And if they walk out on you, be relieved. It only means they went to look for another victim to suck the life out of.
I think there are more respectful ways to set boundaries than making connections and plans with someone then suddenly canceling last minute and stonewalling their texts then calling yourself a victim or demonizing them. To me it seems she was crossing her own boundaries, then changing her mind later, that is not his fault, he was receiving mixed signals and it is confusing when people say one thing then their actions are another, as often is the case when people aren’t yet skilled at knowing/expressing/keeping their boundaries. If she had been consistent in her boundaries and honest with her words from the start and he STILL tried to pursue it then I would say he’s a jerk.
I don't need any relationship. I am allowing myself to not to fantasize love. healing myself is a lifetime process. I need to set healthy boundaries. I need to completely healed. I need to not allow people to treat me badly. I don't want my parents to control me. Or my life decisions.
Did anyone else find revelation to what she said on 11:23?? “The one thing that will keep you out of a relationship forever is emotional entanglement with unavailable people” this woman is incredibly wise. Thank you for your work, it’s definitely lifesaving.
Biased against polyamory? Absolutely! Love that. I am totally biased against any gaslighting system that trues to stop me from recognizing my worth and resisting self degradation
When I was 13 I didn’t know about boundaries, but I heard the RATM song where he’s yelling, “f*ck you, I won’t do whatcha tell me” & I’d repeat it in the mirror until I could do it without crying.
I have to say I love this story. So proud of her. Good for you knowing what you wanted and sticking to it. Being true to yourself is what it's all about. And I can totally relate to all the thoughts and feelings I used to go threw at the beginning as she described . Afterwards I take more self care. Massage, spa hike in the woods , rest.
Excellent reminder about the need for more self-care as I (we) begin to apply these boundaries! I am currently in the process of practicing new boundaries for not one, but 3 people (!) in my life (it was a surprising stomach-churning coincidence for me, when all 3, after literal decades, treated me in an especially toxic way), and I am dealing with the emotional fall-out of standing up to each, and, in two cases, ending the relationship. I need to actively apply self-care and self-compassion. Thank you for this reminder. And I was especially proud and inspired by this person's letter.
1000%!! I have an old boyfriend (my first love) from HS that has tried numerous times to make me a secret side relationship. I have stood strong and said, "Do you have papers in hand that says you can date?" "I do not do taken men, whether married or not...even dating or living with someone." If you cannot take the time and energy to leave a relationship and be successfully single, then I am not interested. This man was married for over 30 years and had several affairs. I was not one of them. He is now divorced and has moved far away. I am remarried and happy. He had numerous times when we were single at the same time before his marriage and he wasn't interested. That was it!! I was only worth a secondary or tertiary, secret relationship. I called his bluff and he knows it. I know for fact I dodged a bullet and am proud to have stood strong in MY Beliefs.
Some may disappear, then others will appear who will respect and honor your boundaries. And what a beautiful life it becomes. Sending you encouragement as you keep setting boundaries. - Ashley, Team Fairy
It's very validating to hear you say that our reactions are more than thoughts but they're truly a physiological phenomenon. It's NOT just in our heads. For many of us that have survived significant trauma, it also shows up as autoimmune health issues.
So often, I thought it was all in my head. What a relief to read your testimonies, so healing for others to know they aren't so different. You people who share what must be difficult, have no idea how much you help the rest of us. And you know what else, you all come across, even through your trauma as intelligent, kind women who are blazing the trail back to themselves. You all absolutely rock! Thank you. ❤️
Many of my gf"s and me experienced multiple "versions" of this story. The "poor guy" that is trying to do the right thing by his wife/gf that suffers from a chronic illness, depression, financial issues. I've even heard men telling these tales about their gf's that they have no children /property together and only 3 months left on a lease binding them? ? but they still cant leave for some "unique chivalrous" BS reason. Oh and yes it's ok because take his word for it they have seperate rooms and arent intimate..Please...Ladies remember the story is always the same, just the faces and names change Be strong and dont fall for this
When I set boundaries in relationships where I previously had been more indirect about my needs, the people because spiteful, vengeful, and did actual damage to my life. I did it with a boyfriend after he dumped me when we were still living together after the breakup (we were stuck in a lease). He retaliated by letting my cat escape on purpose, never to return, then moved out unannounced on the day rent was due, owing me for that and four subsequent months. And I did it with a roommate that stayed with me for three nights but kept putting off paying me the rent. She retaliated by bailing on the whole agreement and leaving me stuck. Now I need a way to feel like setting boundaries is safe.
Denise! Good job! You avoided a disaster. Trust me, because I took every step against my good judgement, intuition, body signals and others’ advice and it resulted in a terrible situation.
I’ve been focusing on setting boundaries this year. I quit 2 jobs in less than 6 months because I still had my people pleasing ways. The 2nd job I quit (yesterday) had my “manager” lose it on me. He verbally harassed and threatened me via phone call and texts (one of the many reasons why I quit abruptly). I was scared. I felt helpless like I did when I was a child except this time I am an adult and I will do anything to protect myself. This new place of boundaries and healing feels very unfamiliar to me. I feel disconnected from it. But a silent calmness is present in my body letting me know I have done the right thing regardless of how I feel. I am no longer crapfitting. This is the me I have needed all my life.
A likely story, living with an "ex" is how these liars paint the partner who literally has no idea. The wife/husband is told the unfaithful husband/wife just needs space and the marriage is fine/still a priority to them, while the side piece gets told it's really "over", and that the "ex" just needs support of some kind, and they are such a "nice guy/gal", see? Do they all get a "how to treat individuals like a commodity" handbook? Because the same bullcrap seems to be repeated over and over. If you haven't met with and talked with the so-called ex to confirm it really is over, assume they are lying to both parties and have enough respect to yourself and the so-called ex to not go any farther. Let immature adults be accountable to the choices they are making to stay or leave a "former" relationship, and only date people who are actually single. Each person deserves a spouse who isn't tied up in someone else, so we each need to hold ourselves to standards which support healthy connection. This story had a heartwarming outcome, so glad she did the decent thing where many get tripped up. So happy for her 💛
Ugh. I'm in the stage of healing where I'm starting to set boundaries and not let people take advantage of me. A lot of people have left me. Turns out when I stop giving, there's not much motivation for some folks to stick around. It hurts and I don't know how to get past this. :(
Ugh!! I love Denise! And it was a bit surreal that she experienced the same streamline of emotional patterns in the same scenario that I have gone through! Denise, you're doing great and I'm so grateful you talked about this! Thank you, Denise!
All relationships require boundaries. Anyone who crosses or is abusive them needs to be dealt with or remove them from your life. Violence and abuse is a dealbreaker
Oh Denise you have made a great example and I am happy for you dear soul. Your feelings for saying no is very normal and certainly passes. Hugs, love and Blessings
It takes me a while to feel the feeling of "freedom" when letting someone I know isn't good for me go. The hangover is even much worse and everything I experience is through a veil of such high sensitivity & hyper awareness of how others are behaving around me. Everything is nefarious for quite a while and I really want to know how to heal this because it's really unbearably painful.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I just finished my meditation after my writing daily practice and it's hard but definitely worth it. Thank you for all the practical tools you offer 💕
Hey Fairy Fam! Finally blew the dust off my membership card and I am BACK, baby! 🏋️💪🥊 Ready to get stronger everyday with you guys. We're making it together. We got this.
@@helenmorgan1807 you can do this, I believe in you. How are you traveling? I posted this a month ago and I'm still going strong watching a couple videos a day, usually before bed. Not everything sinks in the first time around but that's ok. I get something new out of each one when I re-watch them too.
What a great letter!!!! She is doing a great job!!!!! How wonderful. What a great process. Oh my goodness she should be so proud!!!!! She spared herself a lot of pain, time, emotional overwhelm and most important PEACE OF MIND!! GREAT JOB DENISE!
Also what a learning experience for her. She is a rockstar!!!!Rockstar!!!!! It showed me power. Yes and of course the hangover. But it was relatively minimal. success!!!!!
Oh, wow! This is such a great video! So proud of you, Denise! We do have struggles with self-doubt in setting boundaries. I am still working on this. I ended a relationship with an old boyfriend who was keeping me caught up in the breakup /get back together cycle. My past trauma and self doubt were keeping me there. The last time he tried to "hoover" me, I saw it for what it was and said "No" and "unless and until you work on your stuff". Well, he hasn't worked on himself. So, it is still NO. I'm not leaving the door open, either. Moving on.... Thanks for all you do, Anna!
I recently discovered your video and I can't thank you enough. I have been on therapy since 2016 and I have come a long long way and feel like a lot of my childhood is making sense now. But your videos have blown me away and I feel like a new person every time I watch a new segment so thank you
I have the unfortunate tendency to set boundaries calmly once and then blow up at the person when they ignore my boundaries that I calmly set and then I am the bad person with an anger problem. I am working on setting boundaries calmly as many times as it takes.
Temper A big issue for me when I feel disrespected. However, I suffer the emotional consequences, not the victim. Like you, I can be kind and pleasant at first. But, my triggers still need controlling. Practice.
Boy oh boy are you right, Anna: she describes the emotional rollwercoaster of this situation perfectly. Been there / done that, only I took it slightly further before *he* recognized I had issues and communication stopped. That was a few years ago right about the time I started watching you here on YT; I think (hope?) I would have pulled the plug myself if had I the knowledge gained from you back then that I have now. (Oh and a few friends told me: stop messaging, stop communicating, get out! And it wasn't even in person since we were separated by an ocean...!) I wasn't even aware back then of what CPTSD was or even that I might have it. I want to also thank you for always defining it as the result of childhood "abuse *and* neglect", because abuse is obvious but a lot of neglect is not - even while it leaves children with similar CPTSD symptoms and behaviors. As ever, thanks for all of these helpful videos (& website/daily practice etc).
The backlash I received when I set boundaries is that my mother and sister totally shunned me for 10 years, the entier decade of my 40s. Now that I'm in my 50s, my mother and I have somewhat of a better relationship, however, I still have to be very careful. My sister and my relationship are still nonexistent.
Thank you so much for sharing success and progress stories! These are so important for us to hear about too because we are all at different stages of healing and many of us CPTSD kids need reassurance that we are on the right track 😸
I too have often felt overwhelmed even while trying to keep small boundaries. This is so inspiring. Thank you so much for all the lessons fairy. Your work has helped me a lot.
Sometimes when a boundary is put forth, there is a question of whether or not we should actually value ourselves that much... to value ourselves leaves us vulnerable at first... we are becoming open within our own well being to putting a boundary around another human being... and this can all basically trigger a sabotage cycle
omg. SO similar to what I've been going through. Two limerence ordeals since my beloved husband's death from Alzheimer's and my bumpy re-entry into the dating world. The bad news: both within ONE year. The good news: shook the first off within 3 months; the second, well, tougher. While early on he threw some sexually overt testing my way, he's been very helpful to me and otherwise demonstrates real respect and admiration. I've stayed well out of reach. My self respect is intact while I'm aching. My mantra: he's married he's married he's married ... My therapy? Having done your dating course, therapeutic writing, Vedic meditation (Daily Practice), yoga, walking, bicycling, joining local hiking and dancing clubs, learning Salsa, assisting a Pacific Crest Trail Angel, signed up to help in old growth forest advocacy, taking care of my brother's and my land. Getting to know all my neighbors from our, now my, move here almost 4 years ago. Everything I can think of to build a new, full life after widowhood. It's slow but I feel a little better. Would be delighted for a single version of "Mr. Limerence" (as my friend now calls him) to appear in my widening world. Thank you. You've helped me start climbing out of this traumatized brain's nightmarish habits.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, you're most kind. I just introduced the term "limerence" to a new friend yesterday. She has a friend with this affliction. Us goofballs gotta come out of the woodwork.
Thank you, this is unbelievably helpful for us all, and a great reminder of navigating the inner dialogue and knowing how to triumph. You consistently describe exactly what it is like in many situations. So healing. Love and gratitude
Anthony Williams, a health author, who also is on RUclips is showing in his videos how to heal emotional trauma, I benefited from his videos a lot. For example, he suggests to snack on fruit (to get fructose) with Green leafy vegetable or celery to heal the adrenals. He also recommends adaptogenic herbs like ashwaganda and licoriceroot.
Thank you so much for touching on this topic! Not only do we often receive backlash from the outside world but we will experience backlash inside. This is helping me gain a lot of clarity and I’m so grateful for this discussion.
Denice - 7:43-8:10;”you did it! “. Thank you for this wonderful post. And Denise, you put your thoughts into words incredibly! What a writer you are. Crappy Childhood Fairy, your words are always wonderful and wise😇
Fantastic video! Great job by Denise and Anna’s clear support of how it works! Many of us need the example of exactly how to keep our train on the tracks!
Big thumbs up, Denise. I had a bad day two days ago when I - for no reason at all - began to fantasize about the gal, again. I visited her FB site. I felt like an idiot and it hurt. But this gal is not for me and I know this. I don't think that I even like her very much, anymore. So, yeah, like Denise, I wanted to be with a gal, again and care for someone and be enthused and excited etc. etc. and then I thought, "...and do what?" So I started looking into cooking courses in my area! maybe I'll begin learning Italian. I FELT SO MUCH BETTER just for looking into something! I made a video to help a colleague with a specialist-question. When a friend called back having gotten an SMS the day before I had to think hard about the "emergency" she was talking about. I've got a great reality, but fantasy - which usually lasts for about an hour - sometimes becomes stronger than usual. But, of course, I don't want to live the fantasy - but just enjoy it as a fantasy. Now I didn't really start this comment to write about me, but thanks for giving me the space to do so, anyway. And yay for Denise!
I would love to learn more about the signs of when someone is ready for a healthy relationship. I am so greatful I recently discovered this channel. It has been so helpful in my journey.
I would think some good signs are 1. They are in control of their lives and not looking to control others 2. They are willing to communicate & follow up when a rocky situation occurs. 3. They respect boundaries and if they are notified of crossing them, are willing to make amends.
Something to consider as well: Men who are in the process of divorce or recent divorce know that wearing a wedding band often makes them more desirable to women, single or otherwise. An overt sign of already being 'taken' can be irresistible to some women, and it sounds like that's what's happening here.
Same ... The wife needs his insurance so he was still married but she has a bf and they are amicable. He has his own house. But she now has a job and insurance and it's one excuse after another of why they don't divorce. . Bye ..
Setting boundaries for the first time is a freaking trainwreck! But needed done. Glad to add some humor to the "incident" of my adolecent healing, lol. 😁
This is great, on so many levels. Not only does it really show many layers of processing and working through a situation, but then it shows what a successful outcome looks like and feels like. So, so helpful. Thank you to Denice or Denise? for sharing this!
Wow, never realised that it's such a powerful response in the body that you need to treat it like a toxin.. very interesting. . Thank you for sharing your knowledge
~♡~This was a really good one!!!~♡~Its nice to hear a success story & understand the confusing aftermath in those rare cases!!!~♡~Understanding this whole process more is very encouraging!!!~♡~Thank you, Fairy Godmother!!!~♡~
Anna, your videos are so helpful, they have put me into healing and moving forward. Anna, I have so much gratitude for you and your channel. It's such a positive way for all of us to grow with positive change, so thank you so much ~
Rock On, Denise! Hearing of your experience & success is very empowering for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing & thank you, Anna, for this vlog! Mega thanks! ❤️🥳
Where do we find help? The therapists I’ve had validate me but haven’t helped me grow. Any suggestions? Losing hope and tired of endless videos some that aren’t helpful on other channels. I appreciate you help! I’m looking for individual help and videos only help so much. Thank you for your time in making these for us!
When I first started to set boudaries and say 'no' to unacceptable situations and people, I literally felt like an "a...hole". Even told my therapist: "I feel like I'm a bull in the china shop, running over everybody!" She laughed, and replied: "No, you've only started to represent yourself in life effectively". Exactly what you, dear Anna, keep on saying in your videos. Congratulations to this brave woman who wrote the letter. She is becoming a person who takes no BS anymore. :)
To keep his insurance, they could get legally separated and live separately. I have my ex’s insurance but I am legally separated from him. Still legally married but emotionally separate. Haven’t seen him in years. Have a separate home and finances, other than getting his medical benefits. He is living with another woman and I could care less. I am busy healing myself, embracing self-love, and learning the skills I will need should I return to dating. In the meantime, my rescue dog is a great companion.
Wow!!! Way to go Denise! And thank you so much for sharing this and allowing us all to benefit from Ann's precise input on it 💓🌟🙏 I related to so much of what you shared and the way you described it; the denial and trauma inner talk, the guilt, the fear, the emotional storm (oh yeah..), .. the "am I wacko?!" ... , I admire your courage to ask the guy about the ring (!)..and not pretend you never saw or fear of being direct and speaking your truth. That is strength!! I am totally inspired and have made the decision to learn from you and that I shall challenge my fear when the next opportunities come up! I admire your courage to share this , doesn't matter if you used a different name or your true name; this feels like a very true and vulnerable description, it reflected and resonates deeply for me , including The Fairies explanations; Thank you so much !!!
A close friend of mine was in a very similar situation few years back. To make a long story short I strongly advised her not to move in with her boyfriend who lived in the same house with his ex-wife and their son (!!!) She was also ready to give up her apartment to move in with him (and the rest of the “entourage”). What dissuaded her from her blind trust in him was his weird and suddenly violent behavior when they met (as usual) in a motel. For few years I had to listen to her complaints about him whenever she met him in a social setting since they were loosely from the same social circle. She just couldn’t write him off as a tr*sh for some reason and kept mulling it over and over again for few years.
When you set boundaries people truly will show you who they are just listen. Then when you say you don't click and explain the reasons they will tell you they never wanted anything from you anyway. Those flags are there for a reason they just aren't right for you. Avoid all the pain find out the answer now not down the line. You will get better trust your intuition it will get stronger you will get stronger.
Loved this video. It’s like a conversation of two girlfriends, cool ones) Also really helpful, and totally agree - Denise described it all so well. Couldn’t put it in words myself 🙌
Oh my God I am SO happy she did not meet him!!! I carried on an affair with a separated man and I wish I wish I wish I would have never obliged one second if it. She is great!!!
Not to make light of the situation but isn't it ironic how all these "separated" men have sick wives they can't leave! I'm in HR and I can tell you...she wouldn't lose her insurance...that's the law under COBRA.
I remember reading about this in the book Boundaries by Dr Henry cloud and John Townsend. Great book. It's like a dark cloud over you. But yes, it's hard when you start saying no. Deep down inside I was a little girl who never learned how to say no a teenager who never got the chance to rebel.
Good grief! Similar story here! I think these guys have a book with lines like, "I would leave her; but she has a chronic illness and she needs my insurance." UGGGH!
A couple salient points: - He didn't contact Denise until recently her after meeting her MONTHS ago. - According to her, she hardly thought about him before and had NO interest in him. Denise, I'm glad you cancelled and didn't read his two subsequent texts.
I have a boundary list - a dancing partner, who breadcrumbed and mentioned several women names again and again, compared, devalued a lot behind their back's and gaslit me. He lied about his age and I called him out yesterday. He lied again and blameshifted immediately. "I ALWAYS say my age, EVERYbody knows it. But when you say it, it must be right then, or?" Afterwards he got really loud and angry cause a company not answered him within two weeks. There was it. My final confirmation. The narcistic anger. I felt this evil arrogant energy. He said that he is a goat. I said yes indeed you are and ended the dancing hour. He checked in the evening and wrote me to check if I am still available. Random hoover "I lost something blablabla". I said smoothly I found nothing in sentences. He invited me to an event. I did not go. It is sad. But I am proud.
Kudos "Denise"! Good job looking out for yourself. I want to say that my (now ex) husband told countless women the same sob story, but it was a lie. I didn't depend on him for insurance or for my mental and physical health ... his job offered a better insurance plan and I believed we were in a happy, healthy marriage. He always slept in bed with me and my mental and physical health are fine. It's my conclusion that many men tell stories like this because they believe it makes them look like "noble men" who are unloved and unappreciated. And for some reason, a certain type of women absolutely eat it up!! Additionally, when the wife finds out what he's doing behind her back - a normal reaction will appear similar to mental instability - thereby appearing to validate his lies. These side chics imagine that if a man can take care of a wretch like his current wife, he will be a beyond-amazing husband to them (once the wretch of a wife is out of the way). But, it seldom works out that way. She'll either be heartbroken because he never planned to leave his wife, or (if his wife leaves him) the side chick will become the "wretched" wife he uses to lure more women. Good for you not falling for it, Denise!
For me the problem was to not knowing how to see good people. I had red flags but no green lights. And, without healing, being alone is not the solution because years goes by, and we are at the same spot. We go to relationships with the same glasses and with same body. The therapists I had in my late 20s, 30s and 40s didn't heal at all, they talked like I was stupid for crap fit just because they identified the patterns, and made me think that I was damage forever, because some specialists were saying what I always thought, but with no solutions. And it's neurological and physical, with huge physical sensations. When we are triggered it's really like a Zombie. After, seeing your videos I felt like if an Allien came out of my body. I'm doing the Daily Practice, I have a lot of ressentments about the therapists I had. It was like going to therapy with my family. The same despise for my vulnerability, the same power relationships. Because of my trauma I crap fit for to long and leaved therapy after 5 experiences, but it was disastrous to not knowing this and I had triggers in all areas of my life. It's very important to be aware of how we were damage by trauma and the survival strategies, because I was in a duality of seeing with the mind but with trauma regressions. I did things not being aware that were trauma driven. You are saving lives.
This letter read by Anna was amazingly well- written. I swear I was the one writing this. So proud of gal for truly watching out for her Inner Being. Basically healing from her past present and future. U GO GIRL🥰 Also Anna, you are a super gal teaching us how to heal our Gentle Souls and find the Love of our life or...the LOVE IN our life. Blessings
So well said, the love already in our life. Well put.
@@dianemcmahan5159 Thank you!🌻
great comment, Connie! i agree and am happy to be part of this community
@@audreeaudree Thanks and Blessings sent your way
Always remember, those who 'get offended' when you put up boundaries are most likely mad bacause they wont be able to take advantage of you anymore. And if they walk out on you, be relieved. It only means they went to look for another victim to suck the life out of.
Well explained! ..and beware of their covert manipulations that cause guilt trips
100% true ❣
I think there are more respectful ways to set boundaries than making connections and plans with someone then suddenly canceling last minute and stonewalling their texts then calling yourself a victim or demonizing them. To me it seems she was crossing her own boundaries, then changing her mind later, that is not his fault, he was receiving mixed signals and it is confusing when people say one thing then their actions are another, as often is the case when people aren’t yet skilled at knowing/expressing/keeping their boundaries. If she had been consistent in her boundaries and honest with her words from the start and he STILL tried to pursue it then I would say he’s a jerk.
I don't need any relationship. I am allowing myself to not to fantasize love. healing myself is a lifetime process.
I need to set healthy boundaries. I need to completely healed. I need to not allow people to treat me badly. I don't want my parents to control me. Or my life decisions.
Did anyone else find revelation to what she said on 11:23?? “The one thing that will keep you out of a relationship forever is emotional entanglement with unavailable people” this woman is incredibly wise. Thank you for your work, it’s definitely lifesaving.
Biased against polyamory? Absolutely! Love that. I am totally biased against any gaslighting system that trues to stop me from recognizing my worth and resisting self degradation
When I was 13 I didn’t know about boundaries, but I heard the RATM song where he’s yelling, “f*ck you, I won’t do whatcha tell me” & I’d repeat it in the mirror until I could do it without crying.
I have to say I love this story. So proud of her. Good for you knowing what you wanted and sticking to it. Being true to yourself is what it's all about. And I can totally relate to all the thoughts and feelings I used to go threw at the beginning as she described . Afterwards I take more self care. Massage, spa hike in the woods , rest.
Thank you for sharing such kind words of support with our letter writer. We really appreciate it. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Excellent reminder about the need for more self-care as I (we) begin to apply these boundaries! I am currently in the process of practicing new boundaries for not one, but 3 people (!) in my life (it was a surprising stomach-churning coincidence for me, when all 3, after literal decades, treated me in an especially toxic way), and I am dealing with the emotional fall-out of standing up to each, and, in two cases, ending the relationship. I need to actively apply self-care and self-compassion. Thank you for this reminder. And I was especially proud and inspired by this person's letter.
Amen sister
1000%!! I have an old boyfriend (my first love) from HS that has tried numerous times to make me a secret side relationship. I have stood strong and said, "Do you have papers in hand that says you can date?" "I do not do taken men, whether married or not...even dating or living with someone." If you cannot take the time and energy to leave a relationship and be successfully single, then I am not interested. This man was married for over 30 years and had several affairs. I was not one of them. He is now divorced and has moved far away. I am remarried and happy. He had numerous times when we were single at the same time before his marriage and he wasn't interested. That was it!! I was only worth a secondary or tertiary, secret relationship. I called his bluff and he knows it. I know for fact I dodged a bullet and am proud to have stood strong in MY Beliefs.
Setting Boundaries at first, made many around me disappear. It's very lonely. But I know it's for the best.
Some may disappear, then others will appear who will respect and honor your boundaries. And what a beautiful life it becomes. Sending you encouragement as you keep setting boundaries. - Ashley, Team Fairy
It's very validating to hear you say that our reactions are more than thoughts but they're truly a physiological phenomenon. It's NOT just in our heads. For many of us that have survived significant trauma, it also shows up as autoimmune health issues.
So often, I thought it was all in my head. What a relief to read your testimonies, so healing for others to know they aren't so different. You people who share what must be difficult, have no idea how much you help the rest of us. And you know what else, you all come across, even through your trauma as intelligent, kind women who are blazing the trail back to themselves. You all absolutely rock! Thank you. ❤️
Many of my gf"s and me experienced multiple "versions" of this story. The "poor guy" that is trying to do the right thing by his wife/gf that suffers from a chronic illness, depression, financial issues. I've even heard men telling these tales about their gf's that they have no children /property together and only 3 months left on a lease binding them? ? but they still cant leave for some "unique chivalrous" BS reason. Oh and yes it's ok because take his word for it they have seperate rooms and arent intimate..Please...Ladies remember the story is always the same, just the faces and names change
Be strong and dont fall for this
When I set boundaries in relationships where I previously had been more indirect about my needs, the people because spiteful, vengeful, and did actual damage to my life. I did it with a boyfriend after he dumped me when we were still living together after the breakup (we were stuck in a lease). He retaliated by letting my cat escape on purpose, never to return, then moved out unannounced on the day rent was due, owing me for that and four subsequent months. And I did it with a roommate that stayed with me for three nights but kept putting off paying me the rent. She retaliated by bailing on the whole agreement and leaving me stuck. Now I need a way to feel like setting boundaries is safe.
I would like to say how proud I am of Denise for not meeting up with him. She just saved herself so much drama in her life.
Denise! Good job! You avoided a disaster. Trust me, because I took every step against my good judgement, intuition, body signals and others’ advice and it resulted in a terrible situation.
I’ve been focusing on setting boundaries this year. I quit 2 jobs in less than 6 months because I still had my people pleasing ways.
The 2nd job I quit (yesterday) had my “manager” lose it on me. He verbally harassed and threatened me via phone call and texts (one of the many reasons why I quit abruptly). I was scared. I felt helpless like I did when I was a child except this time I am an adult and I will do anything to protect myself.
This new place of boundaries and healing feels very unfamiliar to me. I feel disconnected from it. But a silent calmness is present in my body letting me know I have done the right thing regardless of how I feel.
I am no longer crapfitting. This is the me I have needed all my life.
Reminder, certain forms of retaliation are illegal.
I am sure you will create youself a better life when you live with those boundaries and protect yourself like that. ❤
Try looking at yourself and what happen BEFORE your manager got upset? What was YOUR part of the conflict?
A likely story, living with an "ex" is how these liars paint the partner who literally has no idea. The wife/husband is told the unfaithful husband/wife just needs space and the marriage is fine/still a priority to them, while the side piece gets told it's really "over", and that the "ex" just needs support of some kind, and they are such a "nice guy/gal", see?
Do they all get a "how to treat individuals like a commodity" handbook? Because the same bullcrap seems to be repeated over and over. If you haven't met with and talked with the so-called ex to confirm it really is over, assume they are lying to both parties and have enough respect to yourself and the so-called ex to not go any farther. Let immature adults be accountable to the choices they are making to stay or leave a "former" relationship, and only date people who are actually single.
Each person deserves a spouse who isn't tied up in someone else, so we each need to hold ourselves to standards which support healthy connection. This story had a heartwarming outcome, so glad she did the decent thing where many get tripped up. So happy for her 💛
YES . You nailed it .
We may need monogamy because our trauma requires stability. And wow, what an inspiration this woman is for the rest of us!
Thanks for watching!
-Calista@TeamFairy
Ugh. I'm in the stage of healing where I'm starting to set boundaries and not let people take advantage of me. A lot of people have left me. Turns out when I stop giving, there's not much motivation for some folks to stick around. It hurts and I don't know how to get past this. :(
Try the Daily Practice bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
I hope you can heal. The good who cares for real will probably stay. ❤
Same here. In my case my siblings have gone. My friends have stayed.
Ugh!! I love Denise! And it was a bit surreal that she experienced the same streamline of emotional patterns in the same scenario that I have gone through! Denise, you're doing great and I'm so grateful you talked about this! Thank you, Denise!
Yay. You go, Denise. Four for you. I love seeing people's successes on here and would love to see more of that. It's It's inspiring and encouraging.
All relationships require boundaries. Anyone who crosses or is abusive them needs to be dealt with or remove them from your life. Violence and abuse is a dealbreaker
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh Denise you have made a great example and I am happy for you dear soul. Your feelings for saying no is very normal and certainly passes. Hugs, love and Blessings
It takes me a while to feel the feeling of "freedom" when letting someone I know isn't good for me go. The hangover is even much worse and everything I experience is through a veil of such high sensitivity & hyper awareness of how others are behaving around me. Everything is nefarious for quite a while and I really want to know how to heal this because it's really unbearably painful.
It's hard, for sure. But worth it. Good work!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I just finished my meditation after my writing daily practice and it's hard but definitely worth it. Thank you for all the practical tools you offer 💕
@Sara Fox I'll remember that, thank you 😊
Hey Fairy Fam!
Finally blew the dust off my membership card and I am BACK, baby! 🏋️💪🥊 Ready to get stronger everyday with you guys. We're making it together. We got this.
Woohoo! Welcome back! Happy to have you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Me too. Enough
@@helenmorgan1807 you can do this, I believe in you. How are you traveling?
I posted this a month ago and I'm still going strong watching a couple videos a day, usually before bed. Not everything sinks in the first time around but that's ok. I get something new out of each one when I re-watch them too.
Finally a story about someone who had some sense and wasn't deluding herself! I love it!
What a great letter!!!! She is doing a great job!!!!! How wonderful. What a great process. Oh my goodness she should be so proud!!!!! She spared herself a lot of pain, time, emotional overwhelm and most important PEACE OF MIND!!
GREAT JOB DENISE!
Also what a learning experience for her. She is a rockstar!!!!Rockstar!!!!! It showed me power. Yes and of course the hangover. But it was relatively minimal. success!!!!!
Oh, wow! This is such a great video! So proud of you, Denise! We do have struggles with self-doubt in setting boundaries. I am still working on this. I ended a relationship with an old boyfriend who was keeping me caught up in the breakup /get back together cycle. My past trauma and self doubt were keeping me there. The last time he tried to "hoover" me, I saw it for what it was and said "No" and "unless and until you work on your stuff". Well, he hasn't worked on himself. So, it is still NO. I'm not leaving the door open, either. Moving on.... Thanks for all you do, Anna!
I recently discovered your video and I can't thank you enough. I have been on therapy since 2016 and I have come a long long way and feel like a lot of my childhood is making sense now. But your videos have blown me away and I feel like a new person every time I watch a new segment so thank you
Welcome the channel! Happy you're here -- and feeling like a new person each time you watch. We're rooting for you! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I so appreciate your vulnerability and your strength Denise!
If you set boundaries calm, people don't seem to hear it. Then I have a hard time setting consequences.
I have the unfortunate tendency to set boundaries calmly once and then blow up at the person when they ignore my boundaries that I calmly set and then I am the bad person with an anger problem. I am working on setting boundaries calmly as many times as it takes.
Temper
A big issue for me when I feel disrespected. However, I suffer the emotional consequences, not the victim. Like you, I can be kind and pleasant at first. But, my triggers still need controlling. Practice.
Better late than never. That's my experience in your shoes. They can never take that away from you! When you wake up, you WAKE UP!!
Boy oh boy are you right, Anna: she describes the emotional rollwercoaster of this situation perfectly. Been there / done that, only I took it slightly further before *he* recognized I had issues and communication stopped. That was a few years ago right about the time I started watching you here on YT; I think (hope?) I would have pulled the plug myself if had I the knowledge gained from you back then that I have now. (Oh and a few friends told me: stop messaging, stop communicating, get out! And it wasn't even in person since we were separated by an ocean...!)
I wasn't even aware back then of what CPTSD was or even that I might have it. I want to also thank you for always defining it as the result of childhood "abuse *and* neglect", because abuse is obvious but a lot of neglect is not - even while it leaves children with similar CPTSD symptoms and behaviors. As ever, thanks for all of these helpful videos (& website/daily practice etc).
One of the best talks so far in setting boundaries.
Thanks so much for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The backlash I received when I set boundaries is that my mother and sister totally shunned me for 10 years, the entier decade of my 40s. Now that I'm in my 50s, my mother and I have somewhat of a better relationship, however, I still have to be very careful. My sister and my relationship are still nonexistent.
Backlash is real, I understand.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Bravo Denise! Don’t settle for less than you deserve, a free man. There’s a lot of fish in the sea…
This is going to be helpful… thanks. Needed this
Thank you so much for sharing success and progress stories! These are so important for us to hear about too because we are all at different stages of healing and many of us CPTSD kids need reassurance that we are on the right track 😸
Agreed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"First, grow the wealth; then, pass it on--fantastic!"
Ad that ran at the end of this video seemed appropriate. Thank you, fairy godmother!
Glad you enjoyed it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I too have often felt overwhelmed even while trying to keep small boundaries. This is so inspiring. Thank you so much for all the lessons fairy. Your work has helped me a lot.
You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sometimes when a boundary is put forth, there is a question of whether or not we should actually value ourselves that much... to value ourselves leaves us vulnerable at first... we are becoming open within our own well being to putting a boundary around another human being... and this can all basically trigger a sabotage cycle
omg. SO similar to what I've been going through. Two limerence ordeals since my beloved husband's death from Alzheimer's and my bumpy re-entry into the dating world. The bad news: both within ONE year. The good news: shook the first off within 3 months; the second, well, tougher. While early on he threw some sexually overt testing my way, he's been very helpful to me and otherwise demonstrates real respect and admiration. I've stayed well out of reach. My self respect is intact while I'm aching. My mantra: he's married he's married he's married ... My therapy? Having done your dating course, therapeutic writing, Vedic meditation (Daily Practice), yoga, walking, bicycling, joining local hiking and dancing clubs, learning Salsa, assisting a Pacific Crest Trail Angel, signed up to help in old growth forest advocacy, taking care of my brother's and my land. Getting to know all my neighbors from our, now my, move here almost 4 years ago. Everything I can think of to build a new, full life after widowhood. It's slow but I feel a little better. Would be delighted for a single version of "Mr. Limerence" (as my friend now calls him) to appear in my widening world. Thank you. You've helped me start climbing out of this traumatized brain's nightmarish habits.
I'm so glad you're finding the strength, after all you've been through. Keep going!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, you're most kind. I just introduced the term "limerence" to a new friend yesterday. She has a friend with this affliction. Us goofballs gotta come out of the woodwork.
Thank you, this is unbelievably helpful for us all, and a great reminder of navigating the inner dialogue and knowing how to triumph. You consistently describe exactly what it is like in many situations. So healing. Love and gratitude
Such a great video. Thank you for posting!
Anthony Williams, a health author, who also is on RUclips is showing in his videos how to heal emotional trauma, I benefited from his videos a lot. For example, he suggests to snack on fruit (to get fructose) with Green leafy vegetable or celery to heal the adrenals. He also recommends adaptogenic herbs like ashwaganda and licoriceroot.
Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO
thank you so much , fairy ! it really helps me a lot to hear about setting boundaries as I am out of a 16 years abusive marriage .
Well done!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for touching on this topic!
Not only do we often receive backlash from the outside world but we will experience backlash inside. This is helping me gain a lot of clarity and I’m so grateful for this discussion.
glad these videos are helping, good luck. Jack@teamfairy
Good job Denise - Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate. Never settle for crumbs.
Denice - 7:43-8:10;”you did it! “. Thank you for this wonderful post. And Denise, you put your thoughts into words incredibly! What a writer you are. Crappy Childhood Fairy, your words are always wonderful and wise😇
Way to go dodging all that drama, Denise!
YES!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You NEVER disappoint me!!!!!😊❤
Thank you for explaining the hangover feeling. I really didn't understand. So helpful.
Glad you enjoyed! -Calista@TeamFairy
Fantastic video! Great job by Denise and Anna’s clear support of how it works! Many of us need the example of exactly how to keep our train on the tracks!
Big thumbs up, Denise.
I had a bad day two days ago when I - for no reason at all - began to fantasize about the gal, again. I visited her FB site. I felt like an idiot and it hurt. But this gal is not for me and I know this. I don't think that I even like her very much, anymore. So, yeah, like Denise, I wanted to be with a gal, again and care for someone and be enthused and excited etc. etc. and then I thought, "...and do what?" So I started looking into cooking courses in my area! maybe I'll begin learning Italian. I FELT SO MUCH BETTER just for looking into something! I made a video to help a colleague with a specialist-question. When a friend called back having gotten an SMS the day before I had to think hard about the "emergency" she was talking about. I've got a great reality, but fantasy - which usually lasts for about an hour - sometimes becomes stronger than usual. But, of course, I don't want to live the fantasy - but just enjoy it as a fantasy.
Now I didn't really start this comment to write about me, but thanks for giving me the space to do so, anyway. And yay for Denise!
I'm still working on how to set boundaries with people...
Great video and congrats to Denise. Thanks for sharing her letter and the boundary hangover information. That is the hardest part to overcome.
I agree self care is the best thing in this situation ...
I would love to learn more about the signs of when someone is ready for a healthy relationship. I am so greatful I recently discovered this channel. It has been so helpful in my journey.
Glad you found us as well :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I would think some good signs are 1. They are in control of their lives and not looking to control others 2. They are willing to communicate & follow up when a rocky situation occurs. 3. They respect boundaries and if they are notified of crossing them, are willing to make amends.
Something to consider as well: Men who are in the process of divorce or recent divorce know that wearing a wedding band often makes them more desirable to women, single or otherwise. An overt sign of already being 'taken' can be irresistible to some women, and it sounds like that's what's happening here.
Same ... The wife needs his insurance so he was still married but she has a bf and they are amicable. He has his own house. But she now has a job and insurance and it's one excuse after another of why they don't divorce. .
Bye ..
Setting boundaries for the first time is a freaking trainwreck! But needed done. Glad to add some humor to the "incident" of my adolecent healing, lol. 😁
I'm RIGHT there!
At the point of anticipation for the two texts that
I will ignore!
HAPPY to be..."disappointing"
Um!
Exhausted adrenals!
Anna, you really are so special, in your remarkable way. You have such a Way!
Thank you for this example and explanation. Also the after affects of setting boundaries and having them challenged.
This is great, on so many levels. Not only does it really show many layers of processing and working through a situation, but then it shows what a successful outcome looks like and feels like. So, so helpful. Thank you to Denice or Denise? for sharing this!
Thank you too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow, never realised that it's such a powerful response in the body that you need to treat it like a toxin.. very interesting. . Thank you for sharing your knowledge
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
She was smart enough to get involved with this dude .. he's most definitely a bad dude even if you may think he isn't....
~♡~This was a really good one!!!~♡~Its nice to hear a success story & understand the confusing aftermath in those rare cases!!!~♡~Understanding this whole process more is very encouraging!!!~♡~Thank you, Fairy Godmother!!!~♡~
You're so welcome!
Anna, your videos are so helpful, they have put me into healing and moving forward. Anna, I have so much gratitude for you and your channel. It's such a positive way for all of us to grow with positive change, so thank you so much ~
Thank you for the kind words. Appreciate the support. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Rock On, Denise! Hearing of your experience & success is very empowering for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing & thank you, Anna, for this vlog! Mega thanks! ❤️🥳
So glad it hit the spot :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm so proud of you, Denise!!! HIGH5 ✋
YES!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love All of this!! I have been through this very thing! Thank you for your wonderful videos, I greatly appreciate you! ❤️
What an amazing descriptive letter ...
Where do we find help? The therapists I’ve had validate me but haven’t helped me grow. Any suggestions? Losing hope and tired of endless videos some that aren’t helpful on other channels. I appreciate you help! I’m looking for individual help and videos only help so much.
Thank you for your time in making these for us!
When I first started to set boudaries and say 'no' to unacceptable situations and people, I literally felt like an "a...hole". Even told my therapist: "I feel like I'm a bull in the china shop, running over everybody!" She laughed, and replied: "No, you've only started to represent yourself in life effectively". Exactly what you, dear Anna, keep on saying in your videos. Congratulations to this brave woman who wrote the letter. She is becoming a person who takes no BS anymore. :)
Anna, this is one of my very favorites!,
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Oh good, success. ❤
To keep his insurance, they could get legally separated and live separately. I have my ex’s insurance but I am legally separated from him. Still legally married but emotionally separate. Haven’t seen him in years. Have a separate home and finances, other than getting his medical benefits. He is living with another woman and I could care less. I am busy healing myself, embracing self-love, and learning the skills I will need should I return to dating. In the meantime, my rescue dog is a great companion.
Wow!!! Way to go Denise! And thank you so much for sharing this and allowing us all to benefit from Ann's precise input on it 💓🌟🙏
I related to so much of what you shared and the way you described it; the denial and trauma inner talk, the guilt, the fear, the emotional storm (oh yeah..), .. the "am I wacko?!" ... ,
I admire your courage to ask the guy about the ring (!)..and not pretend you never saw or fear of being direct and speaking your truth. That is strength!! I am totally inspired and have made the decision to learn from you and that I shall challenge my fear when the next opportunities come up!
I admire your courage to share this , doesn't matter if you used a different name or your true name; this feels like a very true and vulnerable description, it reflected and resonates deeply for me , including The Fairies explanations; Thank you so much !!!
Thank you for being so supportive!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What a lovely video , and Denise sounds like a lovely person, and has a sense of humor , were all in this together, Thanks Fairy for your videos🤗👍👍
A close friend of mine was in a very similar situation few years back. To make a long story short I strongly advised her not to move in with her boyfriend who lived in the same house with his ex-wife and their son (!!!) She was also ready to give up her apartment to move in with him (and the rest of the “entourage”). What dissuaded her from her blind trust in him was his weird and suddenly violent behavior when they met (as usual) in a motel. For few years I had to listen to her complaints about him whenever she met him in a social setting since they were loosely from the same social circle. She just couldn’t write him off as a tr*sh for some reason and kept mulling it over and over again for few years.
Sounds a lot like CPTSD!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I found you mentioned in a group I'm in for CPTSD. And I can't wait to learn some coping skills and watch your videos.
Welcome aboard!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Go Denise Go! Your story and progress is inspiring🙌💪🫂
When you set boundaries people truly will show you who they are just listen. Then when you say you don't click and explain the reasons they will tell you they never wanted anything from you anyway. Those flags are there for a reason they just aren't right for you. Avoid all the pain find out the answer now not down the line. You will get better trust your intuition it will get stronger you will get stronger.
Loved this video. It’s like a conversation of two girlfriends, cool ones) Also really helpful, and totally agree - Denise described it all so well. Couldn’t put it in words myself 🙌
I feel freedom and power and then immense fear. It’s awful. So awful I can’t do it.
Why I don't bother with dating anymore .. Mixed Messages confuse my TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) brain.....
Oh my God I am SO happy she did not meet him!!! I carried on an affair with a separated man and I wish I wish I wish I would have never obliged one second if it. She is great!!!
Appreciate your encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Not to make light of the situation but isn't it ironic how all these "separated" men have sick wives they can't leave! I'm in HR and I can tell you...she wouldn't lose her insurance...that's the law under COBRA.
I remember reading about this in the book Boundaries by Dr Henry cloud and John Townsend. Great book. It's like a dark cloud over you. But yes, it's hard when you start saying no. Deep down inside I was a little girl who never learned how to say no a teenager who never got the chance to rebel.
Good grief! Similar story here! I think these guys have a book with lines like, "I would leave her; but she has a chronic illness and she needs my insurance." UGGGH!
I’m so glad this popped up YES 🙌🏾 thank you 😊 & im so great full for you
Yay! Thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
A couple salient points:
- He didn't contact Denise until recently her after meeting her MONTHS ago.
- According to her, she hardly thought about him before and had NO interest in him.
Denise, I'm glad you cancelled and didn't read his two subsequent texts.
👋👋👏keep it up fairy and Denise... 😊. Spirit of freedom not loss...
I have a boundary list - a dancing partner, who breadcrumbed and mentioned several women names again and again, compared, devalued a lot behind their back's and gaslit me. He lied about his age and I called him out yesterday. He lied again and blameshifted immediately. "I ALWAYS say my age, EVERYbody knows it. But when you say it, it must be right then, or?" Afterwards he got really loud and angry cause a company not answered him within two weeks. There was it. My final confirmation. The narcistic anger. I felt this evil arrogant energy. He said that he is a goat. I said yes indeed you are and ended the dancing hour. He checked in the evening and wrote me to check if I am still available. Random hoover "I lost something blablabla". I said smoothly I found nothing in sentences. He invited me to an event. I did not go. It is sad. But I am proud.
Right on!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Excellent!!!!!!
Kudos "Denise"! Good job looking out for yourself. I want to say that my (now ex) husband told countless women the same sob story, but it was a lie. I didn't depend on him for insurance or for my mental and physical health ... his job offered a better insurance plan and I believed we were in a happy, healthy marriage. He always slept in bed with me and my mental and physical health are fine. It's my conclusion that many men tell stories like this because they believe it makes them look like "noble men" who are unloved and unappreciated. And for some reason, a certain type of women absolutely eat it up!! Additionally, when the wife finds out what he's doing behind her back - a normal reaction will appear similar to mental instability - thereby appearing to validate his lies. These side chics imagine that if a man can take care of a wretch like his current wife, he will be a beyond-amazing husband to them (once the wretch of a wife is out of the way). But, it seldom works out that way. She'll either be heartbroken because he never planned to leave his wife, or (if his wife leaves him) the side chick will become the "wretched" wife he uses to lure more women. Good for you not falling for it, Denise!
So good to hear the voice of experience here!
For me the problem was to not knowing how to see good people. I had red flags but no green lights. And, without healing, being alone is not the solution because years goes by, and we are at the same spot. We go to relationships with the same glasses and with same body. The therapists I had in my late 20s, 30s and 40s didn't heal at all, they talked like I was stupid for crap fit just because they identified the patterns, and made me think that I was damage forever, because some specialists were saying what I always thought, but with no solutions. And it's neurological and physical, with huge physical sensations. When we are triggered it's really like a Zombie. After, seeing your videos I felt like if an Allien came out of my body. I'm doing the Daily Practice, I have a lot of ressentments about the therapists I had. It was like going to therapy with my family. The same despise for my vulnerability, the same power relationships. Because of my trauma I crap fit for to long and leaved therapy after 5 experiences, but it was disastrous to not knowing this and I had triggers in all areas of my life. It's very important to be aware of how we were damage by trauma and the survival strategies, because I was in a duality of seeing with the mind but with trauma regressions. I did things not being aware that were trauma driven. You are saving lives.
I need a group like that 😩
Good video thanks
Really good. 🙏🏼
Thank you 🙌
🙌