I spent the first 17 years of my life being an idiot and talking about "before my parents got divorced." finally, after my cousin almost spilled the beans, my mom admitted she had never even been married to my dad, and everyone else knew except for me. she was just ashamed and thought i would think less of her. i didn't, but i still hold some resentment that she didn't tell me the truth for so long.
Yeah it seems a weird thing to do, lie to your kids about a thing they have no preconceived notions about anyway. Like she birthed you… Who was gonna tell you you should be ashamed before she told you otherwise? I think her own internalized shame just pushed her to keep it a secret. I know some cultures and family are extremely shameful about having children “out of wedlock”
@@DeathnoteBB yeah, if she didn't want her child to feel shame for the situation, she should have taught her child that the situation wasn't shameful despite what others might say.
@@Schnort Well as I said, the mom clearly had her own shame about it. Shame is illogical, it makes you unable to do things that would logically make sense to do, because the shame keeps you from being able to do those things.
RE: the first topic… A friend of mine recently found out that all 3 siblings from their family were conceived from a donor (the same donor) and that their dad is not their bio dad (due to infertility). All siblings are adults and have their own family now. Their parents decided not to tell them, because 30+ years ago it wasn’t so common to openly talk about getting pregnant by a donor. Now, all 3 siblings were incredibly upset and the whole family is fighting. So………. tell your kids the truth. It doesn’t matter if they immediately understand the whole issue or not, at least you won’t be stuck later with the stigma of being a liar. Yoou have to trust your kids in order to win their trust as well.
The fighting in that situation doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I’m assuming the parents are still together and the bio dad was anonymous and never in the picture? Your dad is the person that raised you.
@@denysebrooks8770 Right? I still don't understand why I should care to know exactly who had sex or whose gamets were used in order to birth me. My family is the one that raised me, period. In the same manner I don't understand why are people so adamant about having a biological child and there being something wrong if you don't. As in being adopted being used as an insult. Or being constantly harassed for the fact that I don't want a bio child because of various reasons including my genes being total garbage.
That first one is also super dangerous because, at least in America, there is no law stopping doctors from swapping out donor material with their own. Now, you'd think that normal people would not do this, and yet we have a lawsuit on our hands where hundreds upon hundreds of people have reqlized, through 23AndMe, that they've been, say, dating their siblings or cousins. Because most of them have hundreds of siblings.
Dude, yes in cases like that always tell them. What if their donor had medical stuff on his family side that they should be screened for or whatever. Or as it does happen, what if they got with a sibling somewhere from the same donor. People don't do blood tests before marriage anymore so they wouldn't even know. Tell the children, always.
a rare AITA where the person isn't the asshole looking for validation, the audience made it clear that they aren't an asshole even thought they disagree, and the person still accepted the advice, beautiful
Definitely good to see! I hope he gets the courage to talk to his daughter sooner rather than later since now sends like a great opportunity since she just learned about it and accepted it
Although, keep in mind that some AITA posts are psyops to make it look like feminists are just crazy man haters (unless we're walking abour terfs). I don't remember who made an in deep video on this, but yeah, basically, some are gamergate vestiges. Anyway, I still agree with the sentiment of the post
@@cyclicozone2072 so, you wouldn't be angry seeing him go into a womans bathroom? change clothes in front of women? because i'm pretty sure you would throw hands if you saw someone male-looking doing those things.
@@cyclicozone2072 And what are the implications of that? Him going into female spaces? Because I sure as hell think women wouldn't want to see him in bathrooms.
@Commander Corl I love Jaime, but God no, I don't want him in women's spaces. Who would? He's a *man* Idk why this asshole finds that so hard to understand
I have an almost 9YO child and a 4YO child, and we've always had discussions in an age-appropriate way about things like sexual orientation, gender, racism, sexism, etc since they were toddlers because I think it's crucial for them to learn about it while they're young. When my best friend came out as trans non-binary a couple years ago there was no confusion for them because they'd already learned that some people feel differently than the label they were assigned when they were born.
I had a similar experience. I was talking about those things with my son from a very young age (appropriately of course) with no idea how critical that would be for me. When I came out as trans when he was 11 it was such a non-issue for him. He had questions of course and there were moments of confusion, but overall it was incredibly smooth. He somehow managed to be my biggest supporter and also just didn't care very much. Early education on social issues is just so important for children.
@@stevephilips7545 The FitnessGram Pacer test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter Pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal *boop*. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound *ding*. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
@@AYKband the definition of transgender is that you have a gender identity which does not match your assigned sex at birth, so yes, non-binary is considered under the umbrella term of trans. however its up to the non-binary individual as to whether they personally use the trans label or not
The OP said he's not in contact with his family. There's a good possibility that it's because he's trans, so him saying he wants to be seen as a "normal guy" probably has to do with unresolved trauma and any internalize transpohobia from his upbringing.
Yeah, him having a lot of trauma around being trans is also the vibe I got (not talking to parents, like you said, but also the weird phrasings that Jamie pointed out). Having trauma and anxieties is completely valid, but pushing them onto your child is never okay; you'll do that anyway accidentally, don't make it worse by doing it on purpose. I'm glad he listened to the advice. It is really hard not having your trauma inform your parenting, but it is your responsibility as a parent.
@@orsolyafekete7485 yeah, I wasn't trying to say it was ok, which I think the edit kinda shows he's acknowledged. He probably isn't aware of how deep his trauma affects him, which is why I referred to it being unresolved.
@@heartyunho0716 Oh, I didn't want to imply that you said it was okay, just wanted to put that out there, because it's really important, and easy to forget. OP needed a reminder too, but it seems that was enough, so good parent, no notes (but please go to therapy, it never hurts)
I didn't come out as a trans woman until I was 50. Long story. But my two sons, 14 and 16 at the time have been some my biggest supporters. Peace, strength, love and many many blessings to anyone struggling. You are loved and you are enough. Whatever you decide to do. The entire LBGTQIA+ community is standing with you. 🌈💜🏳️⚧️💜🏳️🌈💜🏳️⚧️🌈 Edit: also Jamie is going to make a great dad!
@green mayo man🍓 this person pops up in the comment section of all of Jaime's videos and just says transphobic things. It's best to ignore them. They're trolling and not genuinely engaging
I was adopted, and I knew the word "adopted" literally years before I ever knew the meaning. I never, ever once had an issue about it, and I have always felt that the people that adopted and raised me are my "real" parents. A very close friend of mine was also adopted, but his parents chose not to tell him until he was 13, when he could "understand". He never forgave them, has questioned his identity his entire life, and upturned his whole world to try find his "real" parents. I am 60 now, and he is 57. Both his parents and mine are long since dead, and it makes me sad for him that he is still angry. In my opinion, understanding will come if the truth is not withheld.
Wow that’s really interesting to see what happened in both instances. I’m sorry he’s still angry. I’d potentially like to adopt in future and would definitely tell them as soon as I can.
A friend of mine didn't find out she was adopted until she was in her 30s, and it wasn't even from her parents -- it was from a family friend who had disagreed with their decision to never tell her. She never forgave them, and eventually found her real mother through one of those DNA sites (her father had died some years before). It didn't help that her adoptive parents were toxic, and her adopted dad abused both her and his wife.
I agree with the "real" parents. I have 3 dads as my mom has been married 3 times. My current stepfather married my mom when I was 15. They've been married for 22 years now. We're close, but not close like I am with my dad. There's obviously my biological father. He wasn't just a sperm donor, but for the first 10 years of my life, it would have been better if he had been. He was only around enough to cause problems. My real dad? My mom's 2nd husband. They married when I was 2 and were friends for years before I was born. They divorced when I was 14 but decided you only divorce a spouse, not children. He fought to pay child support for my brother and me because it didn't matter to him if someone else made us, we were *his* kids. He's never not been involved in my life. Of my parents, I'm closest with him. My mother didn't have the choice to not tell me my dad isn't my biological father, but it was good to know from before I was old enough to know what it meant. My parents were always honest with me.
I was adopted when I was a toddler, and knew since the beginning. My mom was very honest and age appropriate about my bio parents, what they were like, why I was adopted, and clarified more as I got older. I never had to wonder. As a bonus, in highschool whenever the 'yo momma' jokes would come out, I got to use the absolute ringer of: "well, MY mom CHOSE me, YOURS is STUCK with you."
My brother knew I was trans when he was 5 years old He is now very transphobic Most of that is due to parents and our significant age gap making us not hang out much In conclusion, if you tell a kid you're trans, make sure those around that kid are on board and accepting.
Kids tend to tell the truth. Other than when they’re playing make believe and everybody’s in on the game, they actually don’t stand for any sh*t. They’re wise.
@@jamesclark1335So if a kid says they're trans on their own, they're too young to know and probably being indoctrinated. But if a kid is filled with hate, thats them being wise and clever and truthful? Are kids only capable of thinking for themselves if their thoughts align with yours?
Growing up my two siblings and I all thought we were blood related and had the same parents. It wasn’t until my older brother was 30 that we learned he has a different bio dad- a man none of us has ever met. It didn’t change our sibling relationship- but our trust with our parents was shattered. They had gone to such lengths to hide this from us that they even lied about their wedding anniversary to fit my older brother into the story better. His relationship with either of them has never been the same and it’s been 6 years. Point being- don’t hide things like this from your kid- the longer it goes the worse the reaction will be. Not to the facts, but because of the prolonged lie.
I taught at an afterschool program where I went by a silly name and not my given name (think like 'Professor Doctor Jumpingbeans'), but I'd have a name tag with my legal name on it every time I signed in to the schools. Now, I'm trans, and I don't go by my legal name. I didn't then either, but one day a girl who was maybe seven or eight saw my name tag and asked if that was my "real name." To which I answered "only legally". She asked me what that meant, and I told her something along the lines of when I was born someone wrote a name down without even asking my opinion on the matter! I was being goofy as that was a part of my job, but the way her face lit up and the way she asked, "What's your *REAL* name?" Like she had been let in on some magnificent secret... At the time, I only winked, but kids have this immense sense of wonder and acceptance. Well. Most of the time.
I’m a big fan of the idea that a kid should not be able to remember when they were told something like this. It should be something they always know. It’s far easier for the kids and the parents if the kid knows that all their life, rather than a big reveal at some point when they’re going to have feelings about it, on top of the knowledge that they’ve been lied to.
As someone who found out they were adopted in their 20s, just tell your kids. Knowing I was adopted didn't change a single thing. But knowing my family was capable of that kind of deciet nearly destroyed me.
I came out Xmas of 2020. That was my Xmas present to myself, being true to me. I texted my older brother about it, and his only response was, "No." When I finally came out to the rest of my family, I was worried about what they would say. My mother and aunt were loving but not exactly supportive. Auntie has come around lately and is putting in a lot more effort to talk about me as her nephew. My mother, however, disowned me last August. The real support I had when I first came out was my daughter, who was 8 when I came out, and her dad. My daughter was so thrilled to help me with my transition, asking me the right way to address me and making sure I felt loved and cared about. Fast forward to now, I have 3 kids, a boyfriend, and my ex's girlfriend, who all love, care about, and respect me as a guy. My bio daughter even came up with different dad titles to differentiate between her dad, me (Papa), and my boyfriend (Vader). I've never felt so loved and seen before, and I'm so happy that I found my family like this. And I'd never change any of this for the world.
One of my best friends and her husband had to use a donor to have their daughter. They told her when she was very young that "Mommy and Daddy needed some help to bring you home" and have been honest with her about that from the get-go. She doesn't think it's weird at all.
i recently came out to my parents and siblings. they're supportive even though i feel like they don't really understand. but it doesn't feel good to be honest. it causes me a lot of anxiety. i feel like now they actually have access to my real identity and personality and the relationships i have with them started to feel more real all of the sudden. I don't even want to leave my room, i try to avoid talking to anyone. i need time to get used to it myself. it's weird because I've never seen anyons have this experience
Hopefully they'll come to understand. I have 2 Trans cousins and I had some difficulty adjusting cuz I had viewed them a certain way since childhood. I've more or less adjusted to the 1st cousin and accept them as they are. Second cousin is still working through their identity so I'm just waiting for them to.. fully become themselves I guess. Stay strong ❤️
I still remember when my son was around nine years old, and he saw me watching a music video from the Australian comedy band Axis of Awesome. One of the band members transitioned from male to female midway through their career (Jordan,) and my son had seen me watching their stuff prior to then, and this video was the first he had seen post-Jordan's transition. He looked momentarily confused and said "Why is that one dressed as a girl, mum?" So I just honestly explained to him about being transgender, and how Jordan now matched on the outside how she'd always felt on the inside and she was finally living her life the way she really wanted to. His response was to nod sagely and say "Oh. Cool!" So yeah... kids 'get it' way better than a lot of adults do.
Rabbit, a performer from the "robot" band Steampunk Giraffe, was an inspiration to me. Similar situation, though I haven't had to explain to any children yet.
lol My kid is 9.5 & still loves 4 Chords, but also really likes The Elephant in the Room, because she thinks it's wicked funny when Lee sings the "None of your f-ing business!" line, and enjoys joining in with Jordan & Benny for the 2nd singing of that line. 🤦🏻♀️😆
Telling kids as early as possible is really the best option. I came out and the first person I talked to about it was my then 11 year old son. It was important to me that he understand, be comfortable with the process, and be prepared for other people's reactions. He was 100% my strongest supporter at every step while at the same time just not caring. A funny comment from him was after one of my maybe overly regular check ins, "How are you feeling? Any questions? Any concerns?" He asked me, "Do you want me to care more? Am I supposed to be upset? I don't really care. Is that okay?" (This wasn't sarcastic. He can be very heartfelt about things.) I assured him that not caring is totally okay. And from then on I calmed down on checking in so often.
I love that your child asked "do you want me to care more?" that's so sweet and thoughtful - he realizes while it doesn't feel like a big deal to him, it might be for you, and he wants to know that and respond accordingly.
His reaction is the same thing I say to people if they ever come out about anything to me. Which basically boils down to: cool, I don't care, but I do respect your identity. It doesn't matter to me if someone is trans or not since they're still the same person. I do also ask them to be lenient with me getting names wrong since names and my brain don't work well together. To the point where i have frequently mixed up the names of people who don't look alike at all. So it takes a while for me to learn a new name and even longer not to mix it up with the old one.
As an autistic person with low empathy, I find myself asking people if they want me to care more about things. It's good to know I'm not the only one who genuinely asks that question. Your son sounds like a good kid
Yeah, of course the dad wasn't the asshole. He just had some concerns and insecurities he needed to work through first. Glad he did and is going to tell his daughter! ☺️
My fiancee and I are planning on having children, and we have discussed her coming out as trans to them at length. Since we would be seen as a same-sex couple, obviously there will be questions from them on how they were conceived, we can conceive without medical assistance. We also feel like our truth is also their truth since it is something that will be included in their life story.
It also shows that y’all are normal, human people. It’s not like trans couples are aliens from outer space hiding among the humanfolk Not to mention, kids have questions about how they were conceived even when it’s a cishet couple!
I love this open approach to sharing with future children what their origin story looks like. Not gender identity or sexuality, but I had to share a hard truth with my child before she was old enough to understand. My oldest was 2 when her little sister was born with disabilities and terminal medical conditions she's since died from. From the moment she was old enough to ask, "What if she dies?" we have been honest that death was a plausible outcome at any moment. It never felt right to hide that from her. She's almost 15 and has long been grateful that we answer her questions honestly. It's a huge asset in our relationship.
I was working at daycare for about a year, and at some point a little girl had asked me if i was a boy or a girl, and i just said that i don’t really know, I‘m somewhat both. She said ok and left again. Now when other kids asked she was the one to proudly announce I‘m neither and they could choose. (That’s what i told her) but i haven’t really thought about it until now. They really didn’t care, just said ok and moved on. No further questions. Makes me happy to think about that.
Gotta love working with kids! There are some phobic ones here and there, but that's just a reflection of their parents' beliefs and they're not set in stone. For the most part, they don't have much prejudice yet and just love a caretaker that's fun, reliable, and trusts/respects them
I think you're right that shame or insecurity can play a part in keeping a secret like that. I think there can also be an aspect of denial - as long as nobody knows my secret I can pretend it's not true. It's definitely healthier to be honest if you can, and if it safe for you to do so.
Many trans people choose to 100% stealth (if they can). There is often talk about it being due to shame, denial, or internalized transphobia. And sometimes that is part of it I'm sure. But the hassle, pain, and actual danger of being out as a trans person cannot be minimized. I'm FTM and very out. I do pass but I often wear clothing indicating that I'm trans and engage in activism. On top of mentioning it if it's relevant to the conversation. I've experienced slurs, verbal threats of violence, and two actual attempted assaults. And that is coming from a white trans guy living in one of the most progressive places in the world. I would never judge a trans person who chooses to keep it a "secret". Because the consequences of being out are not insignificant.
As a preschool teacher who is non binary, I come out to kids and educate them on gender basically every time I meet someone new. Let me tell you, kids are so accepting and loving and pure. The only reason kids show hate is because they have been shown hate themselves. I have hope for the future generations ❤
@@willowwinkle I think when I just tell them “some people are boys, some are girls, and some are in the middle or neither.” They just nod and don’t really understand the concept but also don’t judge the concept. I use the prefix “Mx.” instead of mr or ms. So I tell the kids I’m a “mix” of mr and ms. They seem to understand pretty well! And although they don’t always use they/them pronouns for me, my coworkers and the parents are mostly great and emphasize using my pronouns in their everyday language. I’m so lucky to have such accepting people where I work and live❤️
I came out as trans to my familiy last year. My younger cousins are seven and five years old. I told them that they could ask me anything they wanted about being trans, however their parents said that they probably are too young to understand. Truth is they still call me by my deadname. My aunt corrects them tho. So yeah, it heavily depence on the maturity of the kids but I'm happy for you that you had no problems.
Idk, I hate the “oh they’re too young to understand” excuse. 5 year olds are extremely inquisitive and more intelligent then they’re given credit for. 7 year olds even moreso. As for the name thing, it is possible though that they don’t understand the issue, or if it was explained to them, they just forget. I remember a lot of stuff being way murkier to me as a kid, so it’s possible they just see you as you, and know you (up until recently for them) were going by X name.
But yeah I hate when parents refuse to even try to explain things to kids. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They _don’t_ understand anything because nobody ever teaches them!!
@@DeathnoteBB good point. I will probably talk to them about it again. Try to make them remember or trying to explain it differently (maybe they didn't understand it in the first place and got confused)
My friend decided to explain to their sisters kids that its like getting a nickname you don't like. "That's not you and it can feel upsetting to be called by it." and that seemed to click with them. The kids got much better with deadnaming after that (Their sister apparently barely even explained it which doesn't help haha) But not all kids are the same, asking them why they still do can be really helpful. Regardless, best of luck ^^
the person if FTM and has a husband, so a gay couple, but is afraid of not looking like a "normal" guy, that ship has already sailed, but i definitely understand being afraid the kid can tell it to other people unprompted because kids do that a lot, but assume most people that would have a problem with you being trans already has a problem with you being gay too, so i would tell for the good of the relationship with the child
😅I thought I was the only one thinking the same. If they have a problem with him being trans they probably have a problem with him being gay low-key 👍🏽 I never understand y people pick and choose who to support in the Lgtbq community as a cis straight girls I find it cringe 🤦🏽♀️ u aren't a true ally then ,Im probably sure they have weird reasons y they choose to support this or that in the community and throw the others away .not a genuine support. If you aren't going to give the same support to everyone in the community then it's better you keep ur support away from everyone in the community .
I wonder whether that is part of it actually though - maybe he's afraid that his partner will be seen as the "real" man in the relationship and people tthink that he's not a man as much as his partner is?
I would have to disagree here. I know a lot of people ok with lgb people and super open, but when it comes to trans people it's too much and they just think we're crazy. LGB people are a lot more accepted and known in general. Even by conservative people. I am myself gay and trans and nobody cares about me being gay most of the time, even people considered on the right, but me being trans is totally different and people outside of my family and close friends are more uncomfortable and confused.
@@LoStreetsAndCities yeah. Lgb seems more known and acceptable even on tv shows / movies than transgenders because it's so hard finding movies based on cis guy falling in love with trans dude or just popular stories trans people being the main front. And also they are some well known public figures who seem to be chilled about lgb but have some kind of prejudice against transgenders ,i also notice how the media gives so much hate to trans people for literally just existing than they do for lgb , plus trans laws are being stripped away for literally nothing.
Based off of my experience: I’m 18 and nonbinary. When I was younger, my father (who’s honestly very homophobic and transphobic) didn’t let us come to a wedding for my uncles who had just gotten married at the time. Like even now I feel resentment for him not letting me go, because I feel like I would’ve been able to understand my sexuality a lot earlier. (I’m bi too lol) Edit: that being said, I understand where the trans husband is coming from. At the same time- I also agree with Jamie. I believe that it would be best to tell younger children about sexuality and gender so they can be more accepting. Tbh, I would tell my half-sister about my gender, but as my dad is very transphobic, I don’t want to not be able to see my little sister because of my father somehow finding out. Either way though, when I go home for break- I’m def going to have a conversation about my sexuality w her, because I know my father is conservative asf- so I want to make sure she’s accepting of others. (And if she realizes that she identifies differently from how she was afab, or if she isn’t straight, I want her to to know I’m here for her :))
@green mayo man🍓 f bfjfjfjf thanks lol. I never had a good sibling growing up- and esp since my sister is way younger than me, I want her to know that she can come to me without the fear of being judged as I felt when coming out to our father.
As a trans person who is also an adoptee, thank you for speaking to disclosing to children early. I have many friends who are adoptees who were never told and found out well into adulthood. Thank you for being understanding of the nuances around this topic. :)
It's not about being trans, sorry, but when I was in my early teens my dad told me that he tried it with another guy, because they really liked eachother and wondered if they liked eachother *that way* Turns out they were both straight so no, and they went back to listening to their records (it was the 70's) and were still besties. Because they tried, it didn't work, but they still loved eachother, just in a bff way. And that is why I came out to my dad first, I just called me him and told him "dad I'm Pansexual" he responded something like "ok cool", and then we spent an hour talking about comic books. So I think it's very varied experiences.
honestly what a great response, i feel like it would’ve been a little much if he like sat you down and started a super deep conversation about emotions and feelings and stuff
My daughter grew up knowing that her grandma is my dad. She’s 8 now. She asks questions about it sometimes but she understands and accepts her. And I found out when I was 10 and was very proud of her since then. So no, children are not too young to learn about this. P.S. She transitioned when I was 10 and we agreed that I could refer to her as my dad because that’s who she is to me. I still do my best to respect her identity and pronouns.
I think you are doing great! Only the people involved in a relationship get to decide what terms they use for it. So what if your Dad is a woman? If she is happy with it, that’s what is right for you.
I have a beautiful friend with 4 kiddos ( 2 toddlers, 2 teenagers ) and the kids and her all decided together her name to them is 'Wasdad'. They, particularly the teens, are her biggest cheerleaders and I have never seen her so happy! I think telling the truth and being open was the best choice! Much love to you and your family! ♥
I figured out I was non-binary about 6 months ago and I told my older kids (8 and 4) right away. (The baby is too young to get anything, but I tell him Mommy is a "they/them" and I'll explain when he's old enough to understand gender.) They totally got it and it was fine. Great, in fact. They took it in stride. Sometimes I have to remind them since I'm femme presenting, but it's literally been no big deal and they even correct people that I'm Mx. Last name. And even though it's gendered, Mom is still my favorite pronoun. Tell your kids. It'll be okay.
im agender but still go by she/they because im afab, but im only out to online friends because my family is transphobic and homophobic :/ im wondering how you came out to people potentially like that and if i should even bother telling them at all
When my fiancee came out to her immediate family as trans, her brother and sister-in-law sat down our niblings (5 & 7 at the time) and told them that she feels like a girl instead of a boy and wants to be called this now. They got a little upset, but mostly because they were calling her the wrong name before and no one told them. Kids understand more than we think, and I also think it's better to introduce them to things earlier so they don't get biased by culture
I definitely feel like a bunch of his concerns are due to internalized transphobia/past trauma with coming out. It feels like he's dealt with people leaving him because he's trans, and now he's scared of his daughter leaving him for the same reason. His daughter seems like a big part of his life and he doesn't want to lose her. He was letting his fears control him, but I'm glad he worked past that. I personally can't put myself in his shoes because I will be unable to hide that I'm trans from my future kids as I'm nonbinary and they will notice that I'm referred to with "different" pronouns than other people. However, I do understand the fear of nonacceptance. It's the reason why I've not come out to anyone outside of my friends despite being a couple months from turning 18. All I can really say is that sometimes, you've just got to take a leap of faith. I'm not planning on hiding who I am to please my family, I'm just waiting until I can take that leap from a lower cliff
I'm a teaching assistant at primary school. When the class (5-7 year olds) was doing a history topic on their family and background, everyone was encouraged to bring in photos from when they were younger, and the staff did too. Having discussed it with their class teacher first, I brought in some photos of me as a kid, not presenting male like I do now, and explained that 'when I was little, everyone used to think I was a girl- even I did! When I got bigger, I realised that wasn't right, and told everyone we'd got it wrong' . The kids were surprised at first and definitely interested, but totally accepting. I linked it back to 'history is about what changes, and what stays the same' and the lesson moved on. Five minutes, tops. It's very possible (and good!) to explain queer topics to children, even young children, in age-appropriate terms, and now those kids won't be confused or feel negative about the idea when they hear about it again later in their lives.
One of my parents came out as a trans woman when I was around 4 years old and my brother was 6 or 7. I have been asked many times over the course of my life how I coped with it or if it was difficult, and honestly I find it quite funny when people ask. At that age you are way more able to accept things as just being the way they are without making judgements, because your idea of "normal" is yet to be fixed. If anything, I am incredibly grateful for having been exposed to all kinds of different people due to growing up in such an accepting household. It has saved me from having to do a lot of unlearning later on!
Thanks, I just got back from arguing with an idiot who's comparing taking drugs to being trans as his point.... SMH sometimes I wonder if transphobes share a single brain cell together
Thanks Jamie. as one who is a transgender male asexual who was born out adultery and adopted when i got told i was adopted i was more worried about whether I was going to be accepted because I am transgender male asexual. So I think it's good to be open about both being transgender and adoption. :) PS happy world pride from sydney australia. my church got into mardi gras to protest for transgender rights. watch out for us "CLACCA Universal Life Church"- No pride in religious transphobia! Equality without exemption!" PPS I quoted you to ABC TV when I got interviewed about our transgender mardi Gras church protest float." I just said, "As my UK trans friend jamie would say, "sometimes the straights are not ok." and the ABC TV journalist loved it.
Something that I always go by when thinking about explaining stuff to kids, is that it's always better to help them step into the shallows than see someone else shove them into the deep end.
I came out as trans almost three months ago, but my parents refuse to use she/her pronouns for me, because according to them, “this is their transition too”. I’ve thought about my gender identity (and procrastinated coming out) for three years. My parents told me they might just need an additional three years to “come to terms” with it. …what.
They can't get used to it if they don't try progressively. It's ok to make mistake, but doing zero effort means '' '' I will continu to hurt you and I don't care. '' ''
man, I'm sorry your parents are acting that way :( proud of you for making steps towards living a more authentic life, and hopefully they'll come around once they realize how important this is to you
I'm going to try to keep this short(er), but it's kind of a long story. My son-in-law was 1 of 3 boys. But 5 years ago, the middle son came out as trans. She had been married for 7 years by that time to a bisexual woman who had no trouble being married to a trans woman. Her parents said the same things as yours and wanted "time." During that "time," they never referred to her by her name and would only use the dead name. When she called her parents on it, they always needed more "time." Finally, this year at Christmas, things hit the fan. "Everyone, Paul is on the phone!" It had now been 5 years since "Paul" had changed her name to "Patricia." My son-in-law got on the phone and immediately said loudly, "Merry Christmas Patricia!" After the phone call, Adam was asked why he called Paul, Patricia. Adam (my sil) told his mother that he's been using her "real" name since she came out 5 years before. "I'm just not ready." "And you never will be until you try." Adam spoke with Patricia later that night and told her that she wasn't helping herself by not telling their parents that their time for "their transition" was up and that from now on she would only be answering to Patricia. Sure. There could and probably would be mistakes, but as long as they tried, they would be accepted. Easter will be the next big holiday when calls have usually been made. I guess we'll see if these parents have learned anything. Adam is being firm with his parents and has let them know that Patricia has his full support. Expect a few wrong names and pronouns, but it really does get easier with practice!
I'm NB, and since the beggining with my kid I referred to myself as a 'person/human' and taught her about not assuming gender, and that went really smooth. At 6-7 she read about trans people like Laverne Cox in a women's biography book and in school they talked about lgtb+ matters and asked about it. Just as explained about non binary, she sat a moment to think and said "oh, like you!" And that was it, no judgement or confusion, since that was what she has seen all her life :)
@@Jcon4002 bruh there r soo many cool names u can replace mom or dad with. I read this owl House fic and one of the parents told their kid to call them 'ren'. it aint solid calm down
OMG! I saw the video where he told Shaaba's sisters, has it really been that long? When he said how old they were all I can think is "No way they are that old"
Openness with your children is critically important for building and maintaining their trust. I have some friends whose parents kept secrets from them their whole lives. When they found out, they were devastated and it was very hard to trust their parents ever again. So, yes, tell your kids as soon as they’re old enough to talk about it. Be open, honest, and truthful.
Big family 'secrets' don't work and they always come out. It happened to me. I was adopted, and that was fine, I knew that from a very young age, and I was totally fine with it. I was never remotely interested in searching for a birth mother or whatever. Much to my disgust, I found out when I was 16 that my birthmother was my eldest sister, and that my mother was in fact my grandmother. What disgusted me was that it suddenly explained why every family gathering for my whole growing up turned into an unpleasant bicker-fest, and always felt like it ended up with me in trouble for some reason I never understood. Yeah. Don't keep family secrets. It was a lot of years for me to forgive them for it (I'm 55 now). Not trans-related, I know, but they really messed up my early life with this nonsense. I know in 1967 an illigitimate child was a big 'shame', but honestly, most of my mother's hang-ups were about 'what will people think' and not 'what do my family think and how shitty does it make them feel'. This still makes me feel angry to a point. My sister who is my birth-mother is 73 and struggles with huge mental health problems, a lot of which surrounded what happened and the choices she was forced to make.
The person who didn't want to share their trans identity until their child was 10 will likely reconsider along the way, I think. My son is now 9 (going on 19) and will be fully 10 in 4 months... I can't imagine him not knowing since it's been such a breath of fresh air that he does. So far, he is just cis and straight as far as we know. One thing that did kind of make me laugh is that he's kind of got this gender abolitionist take now. We asked how he would feel if someone misgendered him and used she/her pronouns for him and he said "the pronouns they call me aren't who I am" so if you can imagine such a small human thinking up such big amazing things and how proud you'll be to see that they REALLY get it.. ahhh kids are awesome. Especially mine. 😂 Edit: for clarity, my son expresses that he can empathize with dysphoria and that to me was just a really proud moment. He's said more about it at other choice moments and it's just really apparent that he is critically thinking about how it feels to be misgendered and how important it is to just be who you are regardless of what other people think. And most importantly that who somebody is, and who he is, isn't dependent upon anyone else's opinion or approval. Thats so important for kids to understand, I think.
As a donor conceived person, I think your take is so good! I've always known I was a DC kid, and that meant for me its never been a big deal or weird, but I know many of us who found out when they were adults for whom their entire world crumbled and their sense of identity was super shaken. So many donor conceived kids have trouble with this, and I can imagine this goes for anything regarding your parents and your place in their life-- the feeling of being lied to, that's what makes it hurt the most. Children understand shit, they really do. I was told probably before I could even walk, and it's never been weird for me. There's books about explaining donor conception to kids as young as two or three, it really doesn't have to be something big and scary to do, as long as you explain it in terms that are understandable to them ^_^
I fully agree with you. Children are like books with blank pages. They learn and understand much more than most adults think. My mother was so close-lipped about herself, I didn't know she had a sister and brother until I was an adult. Currently, I have 3 children, ages 53, 49 and 29. The youngest is trans F-M, the 49-year-old is a gay woman with a long-term relationship. The oldest one is nothing like either of the others or like myself. Nuf said!
i'm glad the guy decided to tell his daughter! makes me happy when these things have a good resolution :) there can definitely be many concerns and worries for trans ppl surrounding telling their kids, but i know if i adopt any i'll be telling them, and this was nice too see as a sort of reminder of how open-minded kids can be and how it's good it tell them
Honestly it feels odd to me this is even a question. Unless you’re fully closeted, keeping it a secret makes it seem like something shameful. I wouldn’t want to teach my kids that being trans is a dirty secret
I came out to my sisters when they were 9 and 6, and they were entirely adorable and understanding in their response (and excited to have a big brother lol) ❤
i always agree with your takes on topics. as a trans guy whos not sure if he wants to be a parent or not it was actually interesting and useful to watch this video
i am really happy about this video, it was a great topic that you picked and a great train of thought about it. i too think that logically he "should" tell his daughter about his transition, but feelings can not be forced, a.k.a. one can't force people to be brave enough to do something
I came out to my little sister when she was 7 and she was the most supportive one in my whole family- she’d always correct my parents on name and pronouns when they got them wrong and it meant the world to me
He's not an asshole, just a little insecure, and who can blame him if he was rejected by his parents. I don't have kids, because I don't even feel grown up yet at 44, but I know the times my parents withheld information from me for a reason or another have left me a huge fear of being left out from the loop, and sometimes it's hard to trust other people. Of course, I only know about my family secrets because I listened, searched the drawers and connected the dots. Kids will find out eventually, but the sooner you tell, the less dramatic it will be. They'll be fine, at least until puberty. That being said, I'm semi closeted myself, and I know it's ridiculous, because I have loving parents. It ain't easy coming out.
I mean, at some point the daughter will notice the T, or possibly the scars (if there are any), or will hear something (like a conversation with a doctor to schedule pap smear or something), and she will feel lied to, and THAT would sting. So good call, I'm glad they decided to tell her.
It's an interesting thing, definitely. I don't think most of my younger cousins (under 13 or so; I came out about a decade ago so they don't remember) know I'm trans; if I saw them more often they probably would, but we don't see each other all that frequently (a few times a year) and it doesn't tend to... come up, in conversation? I know one of them asked about the pictures of me when I was little that are still up in my grandparents' house, and was told that I liked to dress that way when I was young; that's true, but incomplete. (Had I been there, I might have given a more complete answer, but my aunt didn't want to just, like, out me without my permission, so. Completely understandable, I appreciate that.) Maybe they should know, but it doesn't feel like a Great Big Secret when I'm a cousin they see a few times a year rather than an immediate family member. If I ever have kids, *they'll* probably know, though; there are parts of my childhood that just don't make sense without that context, and I wouldn't want to constantly be censoring myself.
As someone who was adopted I think genuinely the younger you tell your kids the better. I was told I was adopted so young I do not remember a point where I didn't know. My birth mom created a book for me. My mom had books for adopted children to understand that my adopted parents didn't love me less but they had to give me up because they loved me and my parents love me just the same. I never once have felt wrong or out of place because of this. It was presented as this is the fact of the matter. It doesn't make me any less of a person. Or any less loved. And I never had any ill will twords my parents for adopting me or giving up. No I don't think ops an asshole. But yes I believe he should tell his children
Because I am a bigender man/enby not seeking medical transition, explaining to my kids that I am trans is vital because I am fairly certain that adults in their lives will assume that I am their mom instead of their dad and they will probably be confused if I don’t tell them
I can relate in the sense of coming from the adoption community. I was adopted as a baby (5 days old) because my birth mother and father didn't stay together. They tried living together, and just couldn't make it work. They were desperately in love, but knew it wasn't meant to be, and wanted to give me a life that I deserved. I was told about being adopted from the beginning of my memory. It was never a big revelation, it was just another way to have a family. Some parents give birth to their children, and some parents adopt their children. I have NEVER felt less than to my family. All of my aunts and uncles, my grandparents on both sides, extended cousins and what have you, have ALWAYS treated me as part of the family because I am. And I think that needs to be applied to this situation as well. Some men are born with the wrong parts, and socialized in the wrong way as children, and the same to some women. People go through hell throughout their lives to discover who they are, and part of normalizing things like adoption and the LGBT community is to just accept that some people, and some families have different trajectories to become who they are. We have to de-mysticize the idea of transness and just say 'well yeah, he was raised as a girl, but that doesn't mean he was a girl! He just had a different path to become a man, and that's fine.' The daughter in the story clearly understands that the man from the TV was brave and wonderful for living as who he was, and hiding information about your family only creates problems in the long run.
It probably says more about me and my issues [g] that my gut reaction was, If you tell your child yourself, it will be harder for others to weaponize it against them. It takes the sting out of a mean kid saying, "YOUR dad used to be a GIRL!" if the child can shout back, "I know that, do you think I'm stupid?"
i came out to my immediate family fairly soon after i realized i was trans, and luckily they were very accepting. both of my siblings immediately told their kids, and those little ones have been my biggest supporters :') my nephew was was 8 at the time and right away he got to correcting people when they misgendered me or used my deadname (even his own parents when they messed up accidentally). both of my nieces were 3 at the time, and naturally they also had no issues with it. i didnt even have to explain pronouns to the niece i live with, she just switched right over to calling me "he" when we explained i was a boy. im really glad they've all been able to grow up knowing this about me, bc it really is just a part of their worldview now. i definitely recommend telling the kids in your life if you're able to. their love is so unconditional and uplifting, it'll give u hope for world
As an adoptee who was also told at 3yrs old I totally agree that that's the way to go. I don't remember learning I was adopted, I just have known for as long as I can remember.
5:05 On this all, im all for folks bein allowed to be stealth and that includes stealth to those closest to them; but i cud nvr imagine that scenario for myself and id feel like TA for wantin to hide this part of me from ppl i care about
One thing I know as on old and wise-ish woman is that not telling children the truth early on, whether they're small children or nearly adults, leads to misery. Leaving telling the truth (whatever that truth may be) for years leads to mistrust and recriminations. Children are far more accepting and sensible than they're given credit for. One of my siblings was a twin and didn't find out her twin died at birth until she was in her thirties. It was something all the adults (relatives and family friends) knew but was never mentioned to the children.
I’m so sorry to hear about this man’s struggles and hope, with the support of his husband, he can open up to his child soon. Kids are much smarter and more capable of processing information than we give them credit for. I hope my kids and I can keep pushing each other to become better people. My kids have already pushed me much farther out of my little anxiety bubble than I’ve ever been.
I strongly disagree if I could pass I would and I would never ever tell anyone. Being trans is dangerous and being visibly trans is DANGEROUS! I’m paycheck to paycheck btw and often just don’t eat bc I’d rather starve than be homeless so this comes from a place of fear too and I think that’s valid, fear and personal worry keeps us safe Love your videos and your channel, glad you dedicated so much time to this one story I have strong feelings on it too apparently
Sorry to hear about your food insecurity. I don't know about your location, but if you are low income, you should be eligible for some sort of assistance or hopefully have a food bank close by. We have enough local churches in my little town that they rotate free dinners every week, and provide shelter overnight when it's bad weather. Check all available resources - that's what they are there for, and when you are more secure, you can give back - I give weekly as I can afford it.
I also had many issues with the use of language the OP used, and it really showed how insecure he really is. Definitely something he should work on, especially at his big age
There is another word for kept secret in my family ticking time bomb!!! it always comes out there will be drama, tears and broken furniture. And if you’re really unlucky 5 to 7 crying infants. Yes it was that bad. for reference three of these things came out at the same family event it was as bad as you can imagine. gay, cheating with multiple pregnancies as a result, and 2 divorces, all of them unrelated to each other! And it was all set off by a rainbow cupcake literally no metaphors a freaking cupcake started all this.😂😂😂
as a child with a trans parent, i can confirm telling at a young age helps. im not confused however at the time, i didn't fully understood what it meant but i was understanding. i just wanted to throw that in there
From a very young age I knew that my oldest siblings had a different dad and that my dad was my mum’s second husband. I also was taught that since my parents got married after my older brother and I were born, that some people would be judgmental about that. Including their families. My mum was also almost 40 when she had me and considered “too old”. I’m almost 19 now and my parents are separated planning to divorce and dating other people. My stepparents have been in my life for a while now and I love them both because they make my parents happy. All of this stuff was tough to deal with but I found out at a young age which made it much easier.
i recently met my stepmum's niblings for the first time. her family is more on the old fashioned side of things, but her and her siblings are more understanding of how things have changed. i came out to my stepmum (and my dad) as nonbinary around two years ago and since then things like pronouns and my chosen name have become used as they should. meeting her cute lil niblings worried me a bit because i haven't spoken to her sister many times so i didn't know how the conversation would be brought up. to my surprise it was the most natural thing ever. her sister knew in advance and it took some getting used to for her, but the kiddos got it instantly. for context they are 7yo and 5yo. the 7yo was even correcting my stepmum's sister on her slip ups on the first day. i use any pronouns with a preference for they/them so slip ups aren't too much of a worry for me, but the kid was insistent on it bless her. i've heard from my stepmum since that she's only ever referred to me using they/them. we decided not to tell them too much about the different identities since they are young and i am the only not-cis person they know currently, but i think even if we did they would've got it. kids are smarter and a lot more compassionate than we give them credit for. i can understand these things being more of an issue when it comes to it being the parent, but ultimately raising kids with the knowledge and understanding of these topics can only do good. transphobes are raised, nobody is born with such prejudices, so having that personal exposure when they're younger could actually save a lot more pain for the trans person involved in the future because the child won't form these biases before it's too late for the trans person to come out to them
I understand his apprehension about being rejected by yet another family member who was supposed to give unconditional love. There’s a lot of internal trauma. But I would feel horribly betrayed as the daughter to find out so much later in life. It would also make me worry about what other secrets have been kept from me.
I think often when we choose not to tell kids things, it's because of shame, and by not telling them we're projecting that onto them and teaching them to be ashamed of it too. Not only that, but kids often feel a lot of distrust towards their parents when these things do come out. How can we expect kids to share important things with their parents if parents aren't setting a good example?
I totally wanna see Charlotte And Jammi do a collab on AITA 😭😭 I know they are so far away from each other but it would be so lovely Edit: thank you to all the kind people helping me figure out my sexuality. I'm now pretty sure I'm bisexuall and it's such a relief to know what's what, so to say
I think it would be great hypothetically but Charlotte (assuming Dobre) has been walking a very fine line to stay out of political commentary. If she did a collab with Jamie a lot of people would see it as a political statement. I suspect that she's 100% LGBT positive, there have been some very subtle hints, but I think she would avoid the "controversy" of being associated with an active trans creator. Not saying that just being seen on screen with a trans person *should* be political or controversial. But it is whether we like it or not. No question she would experience backlash over it.
@@CorwinFound Holy Canoly, I watch her videos daily and only now realize this! You're absolutely right, thank you for bringing this to my attention! I do recall her making very generalized statements along the lines of 'love is love' (pls don't ask me for a specific video, I've watched too many to say) but I absolutely can not recall her being political in any way. You kind of just broke my brain I guess but it's my fault for not realizing this myself hahaha
@@autumnleaves4879 I'm a trans guy (not sure what identities apply to you) so I'm hyper aware of those sorts of things. I don't demand every creator be hard core pro-LGBT in a very obvious way but I watch for signs. Mostly so that I don't accidentally promote people who turn out to be bigots. And I get people trying to stay a "happy place" where politics don't get ugly.
@@CorwinFound It is so kind of you to explain this! I'm a cis woman but very much struggling with my sexuality (trying to figure out wether I am pan or bi). I guess that's why I'm more sensitive to that topic. I do try not to promote bigots myself. But it is nice to have places where there just is no discussion of delicate topics. In a way I suppose it's a special kind of inclusion because all kinds of people can find something to enjoy together, even though they normally would stay away from each other
I feel like I really wanted to say something because I've been watching these videos for a long time and they've been an incredible help to my jorney and where I am today by bringing me confort, happyness and somewhat hope. I feel like I've cracked my shell and it's better than being in denial about myself. It took time and emotional turmoil, but I finally have a consultation soon that might finaly bring me to a top surgery I should have realized I needed long ago, so, thank you for your support on my jorney
I have to say that not telling a kid the truth, even if no other story is presented sends a pretty clear message to them about what is ok and what is not ok. When I was a kid in the 80s I knew that my aunt had been married before I was born and that she was no longer married to this man I had never known, but the reason that was true was always glossed over and vague. Similarly my mother's father had died before I was born and no one ever said how or why. When I was an older teen I learned that my aunt's husband was gay and now in a committed relationship with another man and that my grandfather had died of colon cancer, and in both cases, to me, as a child, the message was very clear, these are truths that are shameful and we don't talk about. Which really sends the message to a kid from a parent that if these things are issues you face, then we don't want to know about it because these are things we don't talk about. That may not have been the message they were intending, but it was the message that was received.
there was a story in my country where a kid (3rd grade) from a religious all boys school came out as a trans girl, and because of religious laws and opinions, the girl is being kicked out (still going on). and in our class in school we discussed it, and everyone kept misgendering her, and we had to write reasons to keep and throw her out of the school. it honestly really annoyed me that everyone kept thinking that there was a debate to be had. its really shifting my view of my school and teachers (who are mostly left leaning) and their weird treatment of this matter. they should just state clearly that this little child shouldnt be hurt and oppressed for being different. should and could I even do something about this?
When I was growing up, the reason why parents didn't tell their kids that they were adopted was to not hurt their feelings - there was a still a stigma against it then. I never understood why anyone would get upset about not sharing DNA with their parents. It would be a relief to me. I'd be less worried about inheriting mental health problems. Plus, being raised by people who actively sought out being parents has got to be a better environment than being raised by people who accidentally made a kid. On average.
I also feel like the longer a parent waits to tell their child something like this, the more opportunity is given for bigotry to sneak into their head from their peers or teachers or other outside sources.
Thank you for talking about this! I came out as a trans woman last year and have been asking myself this question and what would be the best thing to do. I don't have any children now, but I would want to tell them instead of them finding out. I'd love to see you make more videos on topics like this and on the r/AITA subreddit!
It is still difficult to talk about your true self, even if you have felt it for decades. I am still trying to figure myself out, am I just gender fluid or something else,too? I don't want to make a big deal out of it anyway.I have very few family members, though and I am 62, so I don't have to answer to anyone. My parents are gone,too. My heart goes out to those who have to deal with an unaccepting family. We can support each other on sites like this. Good luck to everyone!
I work with children and taught them about trans people when they were 4 and almost 2. At the time the 2 year old didn't understand but now that they are 3 we have discussed it again and he understands.
This is not quite the same thing but my English teacher from school found out she was adopted when she was in her 60s when her mum died. My mum’s older sister knew she had a different dad but only in the last 5 years or so she found out she has other siblings
I think when it comes to kids: your kids or ones adopted, I believe it's best for them to directly hear the "I'm trans" conversation from the person who is trans. Mostly cause, some families are bit odd about it, and you never know if someone is gonna out you out of spite.
Man they weren't lying when they said phobic people are a loud minority ☻ I've only seen 2 phobes here Ville_x and Dusty making fools of themselves. Seems like they have absolutely no social life 😂 Also y'all handing these transphobes their asses is a great treat. Y'all are so smart and funny
I’m glad he’s telling his daughter. I agree that kids are okay with things if you are, and telling them the truth about themselves and the world is important from as young an age as possible. I was told from the time I was a toddler that my mom had to go to a lot of fertility doctors before I was conceived via in vitro fertilization. At that age, I understood that my mom’s body didn’t work so she and my dad had to find a doctor that would be able to help her, and the fact that my brother and I were born was a miracle.
I feel that if op gas told his daughter that she's adopted, telling ger he is trans is pretty much the same type of discussion. You use age appropriate language, answer questions and reassure that this doesn't mean you're not a family or anything like that. I truly believe that children have an insane capacity for acceptance and Lilly has shown that she understood at least some of what was said in the lgbt presentation in saying the man was brave. I expect she'd think her daddy is brave for telling her his story too.
It's SO much better to find out things that are a bit unusual about you & your family when you're little & from your family, so that you grow up always knowing about them & able to ask questions about them. Finding out when you're grown up, especially by accident or from someone other than immediate family, is such a punch in the gut! You wonder "Why didn't they ever tell me I was adopted?" or "Why couldn't Daddy just tell me he's trans?" It makes you question everything you thought you knew about your life & is a major breach of trust with your family, & sometimes those bonds are irreparable. I know the conversations are hard, but I firmly believe if you don't think you can begin to tell your kid about these sorts of things while they're still a kid, you owe it to them NOT TO HAVE A KID! Okay, fine, I'm judgmental. But the kid(s) WILL find out, whatever it is, & it's best for them to find out from YOU! ^_^
This girl got her hormones! And thanks to insomnia and executive dysfunction is already forgetting to take them on schedule! Good thing I'm not cis because I'd be soooo fucking pregnant by now.
So glad that Jamie broke this down. And he's so right, people aren't born with transphobia, or anything like that. Teach them the truth about the world before bigotry is pushed onto them.
Pre Transition everything FTM here. This was a tough one for me to sqaure too. My partner and I already discussed kids to death but as I'm getting more comfortable in my trans identity (part of the reason I haven't transitioned yet oop-) it's something I have thought about more and more. Personally, I wouldn't tell my child I was trans until I taught them appriopate boundaries and they understand the concept. Mainly because I can't trust other people, and I wouldn't want my child to say "well my daddy is trans!" And then have "the look" that homophobes/transphobes give. Ya'll know which look I'm talking about. Even worse if that person starts with the "oh sweetie I'm so sorry" or "I'll pray for her" or even worse a hateful or extreme reaction. I don't want my child thinking that theres something wrong with having any sort of connection with trans identities. Or worse, thinking that they've done something wrong. So yes, I do think childern should have the right to know if their parents are trans/queer of any kind; unfortuantely we don't live in a world where it's safe to just... Do that. Idk, maybe it's because I still live with my cult like christan family (another reason I haven't transitioned yet. They would kick me out.) that I feel like this, maybe when I feel safer in the future this will change but unfortuantely I feel like safety is more important than personal feelings.
the longer you wait to tell, the worse it's going to get. When they're young they're not really going to care. But if you tell them wayy later in life, they're probably going to feel at least somewhat betrayed, it's going to feel like they never really even knew their father/mother properly, and that they couldn't be 'trusted'. I'm not trans nor are my parents so maybe I shouldn't really speak on this, but my parents did use a donor and they told me and my twin brother very early on, finding out about it some other way or having them tell us when we're already adults would feel so much weirder. We've grown up knowing this fact and it's completely a normal thing and doesn't change how we feel about out dad in any way because of that
10:40 Same feelings here, and theres no photos of me before comin out (partly cuz of distancin from my biofam, partly cuz i didnt have photos taken of me all of my adulthood, and partly cuz we were always too poor to buy school pictures). Now, tbf, i live a very antistealth life, but even if i was to just live as an intersex person and keep the trans stuff stealth... Id still want my potential kid to know all about me when it comes to this stuff. Ive got zero link to my past, so its not like im worried it wud come out one day in passing, but its still smth id want them to know so they know me better Its a major definin part of who i am today, even if i cud totes pass as just an intersex woman who can grow a beard. And id feel rly bad if they did find out about this, but not from me, bcuz id feel like they feel like ive hidden who i am from them
this makes me think of a middle grade book called Different Kinds of Fruit. yeah, definitely it's a good idea to tell kids. I think the comparisons to adoption and stuff are good.
my partner's little sister is 7, almost 8, and she's known since i met her (3 years ago) that even tho i look like a girl, I'm not. she doesn't fully understand everything, but for a while now she's been correcting herself when she messes up on my pronouns. i love her so much
Among the few people who might need to know what my genitals are like, my kids are probably not in that group. It's not a secret, because there's nothing to tell. I'll be their mom, no different than if I were cis.
I was kind of thinking the same thing. I guess I don’t really get why some people want their identity to be “trans” rather than just the identity they transitioned to. Like, for me, when I meet a trans person I just kind of mentally drop the “trans” and think of them as a man/woman. Of course if they’re open about being trans, it’s still a significant part of their identity and can have specific problems and experiences attached to it. But if someone was trans and simply referred to themselves as a man or a woman without mentioning that they’re trans, I wouldn’t feel betrayed or hurt if I found out. Because it’s none of my business. And not having access to that information wouldn’t impede my ability to bond and become close to that individual, so it doesn’t matter anyway. I feel like a lot of trans people have had to fight for their identity to be seen for so long that they can’t imagine why someone would rather not be seen. There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your identity, but I also think it’s kind of ignorant and infantilizing to act as if trans people who don’t want to share that information are only acting that way because they’re traumatized or ashamed. It should be 100% up to the person. Nobody grills cishet people about this stuff, so why should the trans community get that treatment? Maybe it’s just nobody’s business what’s going on with your genitalia.
I agree with you. Imagine making medical decisions about your ailing father and not knowing or finding out that way. When you’re already dealing with a parent’s declining health.
![Stromae, Pomme - “Ma Meilleure Ennemie” (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Visualizer]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1F3OGIFnW1k/mqdefault.jpg)
I spent the first 17 years of my life being an idiot and talking about "before my parents got divorced." finally, after my cousin almost spilled the beans, my mom admitted she had never even been married to my dad, and everyone else knew except for me. she was just ashamed and thought i would think less of her. i didn't, but i still hold some resentment that she didn't tell me the truth for so long.
Yeah it seems a weird thing to do, lie to your kids about a thing they have no preconceived notions about anyway. Like she birthed you… Who was gonna tell you you should be ashamed before she told you otherwise?
I think her own internalized shame just pushed her to keep it a secret. I know some cultures and family are extremely shameful about having children “out of wedlock”
@@DeathnoteBB yeah, if she didn't want her child to feel shame for the situation, she should have taught her child that the situation wasn't shameful despite what others might say.
@@Schnort Well as I said, the mom clearly had her own shame about it. Shame is illogical, it makes you unable to do things that would logically make sense to do, because the shame keeps you from being able to do those things.
@Ville Nobody loves you and you'll die alone
@@DeathnoteBB this is helpful to me for understanding some people in my life. Its true, shame makes people dumb.
RE: the first topic… A friend of mine recently found out that all 3 siblings from their family were conceived from a donor (the same donor) and that their dad is not their bio dad (due to infertility). All siblings are adults and have their own family now. Their parents decided not to tell them, because 30+ years ago it wasn’t so common to openly talk about getting pregnant by a donor. Now, all 3 siblings were incredibly upset and the whole family is fighting. So………. tell your kids the truth. It doesn’t matter if they immediately understand the whole issue or not, at least you won’t be stuck later with the stigma of being a liar. Yoou have to trust your kids in order to win their trust as well.
The fighting in that situation doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I’m assuming the parents are still together and the bio dad was anonymous and never in the picture?
Your dad is the person that raised you.
@@denysebrooks8770 Right? I still don't understand why I should care to know exactly who had sex or whose gamets were used in order to birth me. My family is the one that raised me, period. In the same manner I don't understand why are people so adamant about having a biological child and there being something wrong if you don't. As in being adopted being used as an insult. Or being constantly harassed for the fact that I don't want a bio child because of various reasons including my genes being total garbage.
@@dzbanecekfrost666 your parent is the one who raised you, but the gene donor really should cough up a health history.
That first one is also super dangerous because, at least in America, there is no law stopping doctors from swapping out donor material with their own. Now, you'd think that normal people would not do this, and yet we have a lawsuit on our hands where hundreds upon hundreds of people have reqlized, through 23AndMe, that they've been, say, dating their siblings or cousins. Because most of them have hundreds of siblings.
Dude, yes in cases like that always tell them.
What if their donor had medical stuff on his family side that they should be screened for or whatever.
Or as it does happen, what if they got with a sibling somewhere from the same donor. People don't do blood tests before marriage anymore so they wouldn't even know.
Tell the children, always.
a rare AITA where the person isn't the asshole looking for validation, the audience made it clear that they aren't an asshole even thought they disagree, and the person still accepted the advice, beautiful
Definitely good to see! I hope he gets the courage to talk to his daughter sooner rather than later since now sends like a great opportunity since she just learned about it and accepted it
Although, keep in mind that some AITA posts are psyops to make it look like feminists are just crazy man haters (unless we're walking abour terfs). I don't remember who made an in deep video on this, but yeah, basically, some are gamergate vestiges.
Anyway, I still agree with the sentiment of the post
@@cyclicozone2072 so, you wouldn't be angry seeing him go into a womans bathroom? change clothes in front of women? because i'm pretty sure you would throw hands if you saw someone male-looking doing those things.
@@cyclicozone2072 And what are the implications of that? Him going into female spaces? Because I sure as hell think women wouldn't want to see him in bathrooms.
@Commander Corl I love Jaime, but God no, I don't want him in women's spaces. Who would? He's a *man* Idk why this asshole finds that so hard to understand
I have an almost 9YO child and a 4YO child, and we've always had discussions in an age-appropriate way about things like sexual orientation, gender, racism, sexism, etc since they were toddlers because I think it's crucial for them to learn about it while they're young. When my best friend came out as trans non-binary a couple years ago there was no confusion for them because they'd already learned that some people feel differently than the label they were assigned when they were born.
I had a similar experience. I was talking about those things with my son from a very young age (appropriately of course) with no idea how critical that would be for me. When I came out as trans when he was 11 it was such a non-issue for him. He had questions of course and there were moments of confusion, but overall it was incredibly smooth. He somehow managed to be my biggest supporter and also just didn't care very much. Early education on social issues is just so important for children.
this is sick to a 4 year old omg child abuse
@@stevephilips7545 The FitnessGram Pacer test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter Pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal *boop*. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound *ding*. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
quick question: do non binary people count as transgender?
@@AYKband the definition of transgender is that you have a gender identity which does not match your assigned sex at birth, so yes, non-binary is considered under the umbrella term of trans. however its up to the non-binary individual as to whether they personally use the trans label or not
I was adopted by a lesbian couple. I grew up knowing I was adopted and grew up in the lgbtq community. I never thought it was “weird”
The OP said he's not in contact with his family. There's a good possibility that it's because he's trans, so him saying he wants to be seen as a "normal guy" probably has to do with unresolved trauma and any internalize transpohobia from his upbringing.
Yeah, him having a lot of trauma around being trans is also the vibe I got (not talking to parents, like you said, but also the weird phrasings that Jamie pointed out). Having trauma and anxieties is completely valid, but pushing them onto your child is never okay; you'll do that anyway accidentally, don't make it worse by doing it on purpose. I'm glad he listened to the advice. It is really hard not having your trauma inform your parenting, but it is your responsibility as a parent.
@@orsolyafekete7485 yeah, I wasn't trying to say it was ok, which I think the edit kinda shows he's acknowledged. He probably isn't aware of how deep his trauma affects him, which is why I referred to it being unresolved.
Definitely this. Sounds like he's got it into his head that his kid won't accept him and I can imagine it would feel like there was nothing worse.
@@heartyunho0716 Oh, I didn't want to imply that you said it was okay, just wanted to put that out there, because it's really important, and easy to forget. OP needed a reminder too, but it seems that was enough, so good parent, no notes (but please go to therapy, it never hurts)
@@orsolyafekete7485 we all probably need some therapy
I didn't come out as a trans woman until I was 50. Long story. But my two sons, 14 and 16 at the time have been some my biggest supporters. Peace, strength, love and many many blessings to anyone struggling. You are loved and you are enough. Whatever you decide to do. The entire LBGTQIA+ community is standing with you.
🌈💜🏳️⚧️💜🏳️🌈💜🏳️⚧️🌈
Edit: also Jamie is going to make a great dad!
@Ville No, that's not correct.
To OP, that's so sweet, I'm so glad your sons are there for your journey. You are loved too!
@Ville nope, trans woman, so she's a woman
@green mayo man🍓 this person pops up in the comment section of all of Jaime's videos and just says transphobic things. It's best to ignore them. They're trolling and not genuinely engaging
@Ville Don’t call trans people it unless they have disclosed to you that they’re okay with that.
Aye all power to ya🤩🤩🤩‼️‼️
I was adopted, and I knew the word "adopted" literally years before I ever knew the meaning. I never, ever once had an issue about it, and I have always felt that the people that adopted and raised me are my "real" parents. A very close friend of mine was also adopted, but his parents chose not to tell him until he was 13, when he could "understand". He never forgave them, has questioned his identity his entire life, and upturned his whole world to try find his "real" parents. I am 60 now, and he is 57. Both his parents and mine are long since dead, and it makes me sad for him that he is still angry. In my opinion, understanding will come if the truth is not withheld.
Wow that’s really interesting to see what happened in both instances. I’m sorry he’s still angry. I’d potentially like to adopt in future and would definitely tell them as soon as I can.
A friend of mine didn't find out she was adopted until she was in her 30s, and it wasn't even from her parents -- it was from a family friend who had disagreed with their decision to never tell her. She never forgave them, and eventually found her real mother through one of those DNA sites (her father had died some years before). It didn't help that her adoptive parents were toxic, and her adopted dad abused both her and his wife.
I agree with the "real" parents.
I have 3 dads as my mom has been married 3 times.
My current stepfather married my mom when I was 15. They've been married for 22 years now. We're close, but not close like I am with my dad.
There's obviously my biological father. He wasn't just a sperm donor, but for the first 10 years of my life, it would have been better if he had been. He was only around enough to cause problems.
My real dad? My mom's 2nd husband. They married when I was 2 and were friends for years before I was born. They divorced when I was 14 but decided you only divorce a spouse, not children. He fought to pay child support for my brother and me because it didn't matter to him if someone else made us, we were *his* kids. He's never not been involved in my life. Of my parents, I'm closest with him.
My mother didn't have the choice to not tell me my dad isn't my biological father, but it was good to know from before I was old enough to know what it meant. My parents were always honest with me.
I was adopted when I was a toddler, and knew since the beginning. My mom was very honest and age appropriate about my bio parents, what they were like, why I was adopted, and clarified more as I got older. I never had to wonder.
As a bonus, in highschool whenever the 'yo momma' jokes would come out, I got to use the absolute ringer of: "well, MY mom CHOSE me, YOURS is STUCK with you."
My brother knew I was trans when he was 5 years old
He is now very transphobic
Most of that is due to parents and our significant age gap making us not hang out much
In conclusion, if you tell a kid you're trans, make sure those around that kid are on board and accepting.
I'm sorry. Hugs and support
ew gross a transphobe brother
That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Sometimes family doesn’t work out and we create our own families instead ❤
Kids tend to tell the truth. Other than when they’re playing make believe and everybody’s in on the game, they actually don’t stand for any sh*t. They’re wise.
@@jamesclark1335So if a kid says they're trans on their own, they're too young to know and probably being indoctrinated. But if a kid is filled with hate, thats them being wise and clever and truthful? Are kids only capable of thinking for themselves if their thoughts align with yours?
Growing up my two siblings and I all thought we were blood related and had the same parents. It wasn’t until my older brother was 30 that we learned he has a different bio dad- a man none of us has ever met. It didn’t change our sibling relationship- but our trust with our parents was shattered. They had gone to such lengths to hide this from us that they even lied about their wedding anniversary to fit my older brother into the story better. His relationship with either of them has never been the same and it’s been 6 years. Point being- don’t hide things like this from your kid- the longer it goes the worse the reaction will be. Not to the facts, but because of the prolonged lie.
I taught at an afterschool program where I went by a silly name and not my given name (think like 'Professor Doctor Jumpingbeans'), but I'd have a name tag with my legal name on it every time I signed in to the schools. Now, I'm trans, and I don't go by my legal name. I didn't then either, but one day a girl who was maybe seven or eight saw my name tag and asked if that was my "real name." To which I answered "only legally". She asked me what that meant, and I told her something along the lines of when I was born someone wrote a name down without even asking my opinion on the matter! I was being goofy as that was a part of my job, but the way her face lit up and the way she asked, "What's your *REAL* name?" Like she had been let in on some magnificent secret... At the time, I only winked, but kids have this immense sense of wonder and acceptance. Well. Most of the time.
I’m a big fan of the idea that a kid should not be able to remember when they were told something like this. It should be something they always know. It’s far easier for the kids and the parents if the kid knows that all their life, rather than a big reveal at some point when they’re going to have feelings about it, on top of the knowledge that they’ve been lied to.
As someone who found out they were adopted in their 20s, just tell your kids.
Knowing I was adopted didn't change a single thing.
But knowing my family was capable of that kind of deciet nearly destroyed me.
I came out Xmas of 2020. That was my Xmas present to myself, being true to me. I texted my older brother about it, and his only response was, "No." When I finally came out to the rest of my family, I was worried about what they would say. My mother and aunt were loving but not exactly supportive. Auntie has come around lately and is putting in a lot more effort to talk about me as her nephew. My mother, however, disowned me last August.
The real support I had when I first came out was my daughter, who was 8 when I came out, and her dad. My daughter was so thrilled to help me with my transition, asking me the right way to address me and making sure I felt loved and cared about. Fast forward to now, I have 3 kids, a boyfriend, and my ex's girlfriend, who all love, care about, and respect me as a guy. My bio daughter even came up with different dad titles to differentiate between her dad, me (Papa), and my boyfriend (Vader). I've never felt so loved and seen before, and I'm so happy that I found my family like this. And I'd never change any of this for the world.
Do you speak German or does she watch Star Wars?
One of my best friends and her husband had to use a donor to have their daughter. They told her when she was very young that "Mommy and Daddy needed some help to bring you home" and have been honest with her about that from the get-go. She doesn't think it's weird at all.
i recently came out to my parents and siblings. they're supportive even though i feel like they don't really understand. but it doesn't feel good to be honest. it causes me a lot of anxiety. i feel like now they actually have access to my real identity and personality and the relationships i have with them started to feel more real all of the sudden. I don't even want to leave my room, i try to avoid talking to anyone. i need time to get used to it myself. it's weird because I've never seen anyons have this experience
It'll get better.
You're not alone here. It feels really strange, but I'm sure things will be okay for you. Take your time and stay safe. Best wishes
@Ville trans guy
@@Evening2458 thank you!
Hopefully they'll come to understand. I have 2 Trans cousins and I had some difficulty adjusting cuz I had viewed them a certain way since childhood. I've more or less adjusted to the 1st cousin and accept them as they are. Second cousin is still working through their identity so I'm just waiting for them to.. fully become themselves I guess.
Stay strong ❤️
I still remember when my son was around nine years old, and he saw me watching a music video from the Australian comedy band Axis of Awesome. One of the band members transitioned from male to female midway through their career (Jordan,) and my son had seen me watching their stuff prior to then, and this video was the first he had seen post-Jordan's transition. He looked momentarily confused and said "Why is that one dressed as a girl, mum?" So I just honestly explained to him about being transgender, and how Jordan now matched on the outside how she'd always felt on the inside and she was finally living her life the way she really wanted to. His response was to nod sagely and say "Oh. Cool!" So yeah... kids 'get it' way better than a lot of adults do.
Rabbit, a performer from the "robot" band Steampunk Giraffe, was an inspiration to me. Similar situation, though I haven't had to explain to any children yet.
lol My kid is 9.5 & still loves 4 Chords, but also really likes The Elephant in the Room, because she thinks it's wicked funny when Lee sings the "None of your f-ing business!" line, and enjoys joining in with Jordan & Benny for the 2nd singing of that line. 🤦🏻♀️😆
Telling kids as early as possible is really the best option. I came out and the first person I talked to about it was my then 11 year old son. It was important to me that he understand, be comfortable with the process, and be prepared for other people's reactions. He was 100% my strongest supporter at every step while at the same time just not caring.
A funny comment from him was after one of my maybe overly regular check ins, "How are you feeling? Any questions? Any concerns?" He asked me, "Do you want me to care more? Am I supposed to be upset? I don't really care. Is that okay?" (This wasn't sarcastic. He can be very heartfelt about things.) I assured him that not caring is totally okay. And from then on I calmed down on checking in so often.
I love that your child asked "do you want me to care more?" that's so sweet and thoughtful - he realizes while it doesn't feel like a big deal to him, it might be for you, and he wants to know that and respond accordingly.
His reaction is the same thing I say to people if they ever come out about anything to me. Which basically boils down to: cool, I don't care, but I do respect your identity. It doesn't matter to me if someone is trans or not since they're still the same person.
I do also ask them to be lenient with me getting names wrong since names and my brain don't work well together. To the point where i have frequently mixed up the names of people who don't look alike at all. So it takes a while for me to learn a new name and even longer not to mix it up with the old one.
Aw, what a sweet kid! I love that he asked about what you needed
As an autistic person with low empathy, I find myself asking people if they want me to care more about things. It's good to know I'm not the only one who genuinely asks that question. Your son sounds like a good kid
Bless him!
Yeah, of course the dad wasn't the asshole. He just had some concerns and insecurities he needed to work through first. Glad he did and is going to tell his daughter! ☺️
My fiancee and I are planning on having children, and we have discussed her coming out as trans to them at length. Since we would be seen as a same-sex couple, obviously there will be questions from them on how they were conceived, we can conceive without medical assistance. We also feel like our truth is also their truth since it is something that will be included in their life story.
It also shows that y’all are normal, human people. It’s not like trans couples are aliens from outer space hiding among the humanfolk
Not to mention, kids have questions about how they were conceived even when it’s a cishet couple!
Are u a trans man or trans woman ?
@@Imetwurld_ Neither, I'm a queer cis woman, and my fiancee is a lesbian trans woman.
I love this open approach to sharing with future children what their origin story looks like.
Not gender identity or sexuality, but I had to share a hard truth with my child before she was old enough to understand. My oldest was 2 when her little sister was born with disabilities and terminal medical conditions she's since died from. From the moment she was old enough to ask, "What if she dies?" we have been honest that death was a plausible outcome at any moment. It never felt right to hide that from her. She's almost 15 and has long been grateful that we answer her questions honestly.
It's a huge asset in our relationship.
I was working at daycare for about a year, and at some point a little girl had asked me if i was a boy or a girl, and i just said that i don’t really know, I‘m somewhat both. She said ok and left again. Now when other kids asked she was the one to proudly announce I‘m neither and they could choose. (That’s what i told her) but i haven’t really thought about it until now. They really didn’t care, just said ok and moved on. No further questions. Makes me happy to think about that.
Gotta love working with kids! There are some phobic ones here and there, but that's just a reflection of their parents' beliefs and they're not set in stone. For the most part, they don't have much prejudice yet and just love a caretaker that's fun, reliable, and trusts/respects them
I think you're right that shame or insecurity can play a part in keeping a secret like that. I think there can also be an aspect of denial - as long as nobody knows my secret I can pretend it's not true. It's definitely healthier to be honest if you can, and if it safe for you to do so.
Many trans people choose to 100% stealth (if they can). There is often talk about it being due to shame, denial, or internalized transphobia. And sometimes that is part of it I'm sure. But the hassle, pain, and actual danger of being out as a trans person cannot be minimized.
I'm FTM and very out. I do pass but I often wear clothing indicating that I'm trans and engage in activism. On top of mentioning it if it's relevant to the conversation. I've experienced slurs, verbal threats of violence, and two actual attempted assaults. And that is coming from a white trans guy living in one of the most progressive places in the world. I would never judge a trans person who chooses to keep it a "secret". Because the consequences of being out are not insignificant.
@@CorwinFound you're exactly right. It's slowly getting better, but it's a dangerous world out there
@@CorwinFound Good point.
As a preschool teacher who is non binary, I come out to kids and educate them on gender basically every time I meet someone new. Let me tell you, kids are so accepting and loving and pure. The only reason kids show hate is because they have been shown hate themselves. I have hope for the future generations ❤
What do you find is the best way to tell a (younger) child about being NB?
@@willowwinkle I think when I just tell them “some people are boys, some are girls, and some are in the middle or neither.” They just nod and don’t really understand the concept but also don’t judge the concept. I use the prefix “Mx.” instead of mr or ms. So I tell the kids I’m a “mix” of mr and ms. They seem to understand pretty well! And although they don’t always use they/them pronouns for me, my coworkers and the parents are mostly great and emphasize using my pronouns in their everyday language. I’m so lucky to have such accepting people where I work and live❤️
@Ville Oh yes, god forbid WE use THEM. ::eye roll::
@Ville oh god, not people telling others about words such as "he" "i" "we" "it"
@@EricaGamet hahahaha yes god forbid😂😂
I came out as trans to my familiy last year. My younger cousins are seven and five years old. I told them that they could ask me anything they wanted about being trans, however their parents said that they probably are too young to understand. Truth is they still call me by my deadname. My aunt corrects them tho.
So yeah, it heavily depence on the maturity of the kids but I'm happy for you that you had no problems.
Idk, I hate the “oh they’re too young to understand” excuse. 5 year olds are extremely inquisitive and more intelligent then they’re given credit for. 7 year olds even moreso.
As for the name thing, it is possible though that they don’t understand the issue, or if it was explained to them, they just forget. I remember a lot of stuff being way murkier to me as a kid, so it’s possible they just see you as you, and know you (up until recently for them) were going by X name.
But yeah I hate when parents refuse to even try to explain things to kids. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They _don’t_ understand anything because nobody ever teaches them!!
@@DeathnoteBB good point. I will probably talk to them about it again. Try to make them remember or trying to explain it differently (maybe they didn't understand it in the first place and got confused)
Might be that they're hearing your deadname when you're not present...
My friend decided to explain to their sisters kids that its like getting a nickname you don't like. "That's not you and it can feel upsetting to be called by it." and that seemed to click with them. The kids got much better with deadnaming after that (Their sister apparently barely even explained it which doesn't help haha) But not all kids are the same, asking them why they still do can be really helpful. Regardless, best of luck ^^
the person if FTM and has a husband, so a gay couple, but is afraid of not looking like a "normal" guy, that ship has already sailed, but i definitely understand being afraid the kid can tell it to other people unprompted because kids do that a lot, but assume most people that would have a problem with you being trans already has a problem with you being gay too, so i would tell for the good of the relationship with the child
😅I thought I was the only one thinking the same. If they have a problem with him being trans they probably have a problem with him being gay low-key 👍🏽 I never understand y people pick and choose who to support in the Lgtbq community as a cis straight girls I find it cringe 🤦🏽♀️ u aren't a true ally then ,Im probably sure they have weird reasons y they choose to support this or that in the community and throw the others away .not a genuine support. If you aren't going to give the same support to everyone in the community then it's better you keep ur support away from everyone in the community .
I wonder whether that is part of it actually though - maybe he's afraid that his partner will be seen as the "real" man in the relationship and people tthink that he's not a man as much as his partner is?
@@Louisyed agreed
I would have to disagree here. I know a lot of people ok with lgb people and super open, but when it comes to trans people it's too much and they just think we're crazy. LGB people are a lot more accepted and known in general. Even by conservative people. I am myself gay and trans and nobody cares about me being gay most of the time, even people considered on the right, but me being trans is totally different and people outside of my family and close friends are more uncomfortable and confused.
@@LoStreetsAndCities yeah. Lgb seems more known and acceptable even on tv shows / movies than transgenders because it's so hard finding movies based on cis guy falling in love with trans dude or just popular stories trans people being the main front. And also they are some well known public figures who seem to be chilled about lgb but have some kind of prejudice against transgenders ,i also notice how the media gives so much hate to trans people for literally just existing than they do for lgb , plus trans laws are being stripped away for literally nothing.
Based off of my experience: I’m 18 and nonbinary. When I was younger, my father (who’s honestly very homophobic and transphobic) didn’t let us come to a wedding for my uncles who had just gotten married at the time. Like even now I feel resentment for him not letting me go, because I feel like I would’ve been able to understand my sexuality a lot earlier. (I’m bi too lol)
Edit: that being said, I understand where the trans husband is coming from. At the same time- I also agree with Jamie. I believe that it would be best to tell younger children about sexuality and gender so they can be more accepting. Tbh, I would tell my half-sister about my gender, but as my dad is very transphobic, I don’t want to not be able to see my little sister because of my father somehow finding out. Either way though, when I go home for break- I’m def going to have a conversation about my sexuality w her, because I know my father is conservative asf- so I want to make sure she’s accepting of others. (And if she realizes that she identifies differently from how she was afab, or if she isn’t straight, I want her to to know I’m here for her :))
@Ville literally 33 people
@green mayo man🍓 f bfjfjfjf thanks lol. I never had a good sibling growing up- and esp since my sister is way younger than me, I want her to know that she can come to me without the fear of being judged as I felt when coming out to our father.
As a trans person who is also an adoptee, thank you for speaking to disclosing to children early. I have many friends who are adoptees who were never told and found out well into adulthood. Thank you for being understanding of the nuances around this topic. :)
It's not about being trans, sorry, but when I was in my early teens my dad told me that he tried it with another guy, because they really liked eachother and wondered if they liked eachother *that way*
Turns out they were both straight so no, and they went back to listening to their records (it was the 70's) and were still besties.
Because they tried, it didn't work, but they still loved eachother, just in a bff way.
And that is why I came out to my dad first, I just called me him and told him "dad I'm Pansexual" he responded something like "ok cool", and then we spent an hour talking about comic books.
So I think it's very varied experiences.
lol
honestly what a great response, i feel like it would’ve been a little much if he like sat you down and started a super deep conversation about emotions and feelings and stuff
@@EmmaJohnsonShenanigans We were in his car, going home and he just told me all this ^-^
My dad always had the best stories
Reminds me of when my dad told me he can admit when a man's attractive
@@Snowstriken some people are just more open, I'm glad your dad is like that and that you cherish it.
You guys deserve the best ♡
My daughter grew up knowing that her grandma is my dad. She’s 8 now. She asks questions about it sometimes but she understands and accepts her. And I found out when I was 10 and was very proud of her since then. So no, children are not too young to learn about this.
P.S. She transitioned when I was 10 and we agreed that I could refer to her as my dad because that’s who she is to me. I still do my best to respect her identity and pronouns.
I think you are doing great! Only the people involved in a relationship get to decide what terms they use for it. So what if your Dad is a woman? If she is happy with it, that’s what is right for you.
I have a beautiful friend with 4 kiddos ( 2 toddlers, 2 teenagers ) and the kids and her all decided together her name to them is 'Wasdad'. They, particularly the teens, are her biggest cheerleaders and I have never seen her so happy! I think telling the truth and being open was the best choice! Much love to you and your family! ♥
@Ville you literally can’t go and socialize without using pronouns, it’s basic English that you learn in like 2nd grade bro
@Ville please..go outside and make friends😭I'm begging you💀
@Ville "so changing your cringe "pronouns" everyday is so valid? lmao clowns" *when has this happened? why does it matter? does it hurt you?*
I figured out I was non-binary about 6 months ago and I told my older kids (8 and 4) right away. (The baby is too young to get anything, but I tell him Mommy is a "they/them" and I'll explain when he's old enough to understand gender.) They totally got it and it was fine. Great, in fact. They took it in stride. Sometimes I have to remind them since I'm femme presenting, but it's literally been no big deal and they even correct people that I'm Mx. Last name. And even though it's gendered, Mom is still my favorite pronoun. Tell your kids. It'll be okay.
@Ville_x you do! At least enough to post a reply! Triggered much? 🤣🤣🤣
@Ville Why are you even on this page? You obviously have a problem with people ::gasp:: using pronouns... your disdain is not wanted here.
@Ville me! and you!
im agender but still go by she/they because im afab, but im only out to online friends because my family is transphobic and homophobic :/ im wondering how you came out to people potentially like that and if i should even bother telling them at all
You're still their mother why can't they call you she or her? You're just confusing your kids
When my fiancee came out to her immediate family as trans, her brother and sister-in-law sat down our niblings (5 & 7 at the time) and told them that she feels like a girl instead of a boy and wants to be called this now. They got a little upset, but mostly because they were calling her the wrong name before and no one told them. Kids understand more than we think, and I also think it's better to introduce them to things earlier so they don't get biased by culture
I definitely feel like a bunch of his concerns are due to internalized transphobia/past trauma with coming out. It feels like he's dealt with people leaving him because he's trans, and now he's scared of his daughter leaving him for the same reason. His daughter seems like a big part of his life and he doesn't want to lose her. He was letting his fears control him, but I'm glad he worked past that. I personally can't put myself in his shoes because I will be unable to hide that I'm trans from my future kids as I'm nonbinary and they will notice that I'm referred to with "different" pronouns than other people. However, I do understand the fear of nonacceptance. It's the reason why I've not come out to anyone outside of my friends despite being a couple months from turning 18. All I can really say is that sometimes, you've just got to take a leap of faith. I'm not planning on hiding who I am to please my family, I'm just waiting until I can take that leap from a lower cliff
I'm a teaching assistant at primary school. When the class (5-7 year olds) was doing a history topic on their family and background, everyone was encouraged to bring in photos from when they were younger, and the staff did too. Having discussed it with their class teacher first, I brought in some photos of me as a kid, not presenting male like I do now, and explained that 'when I was little, everyone used to think I was a girl- even I did! When I got bigger, I realised that wasn't right, and told everyone we'd got it wrong' . The kids were surprised at first and definitely interested, but totally accepting. I linked it back to 'history is about what changes, and what stays the same' and the lesson moved on. Five minutes, tops.
It's very possible (and good!) to explain queer topics to children, even young children, in age-appropriate terms, and now those kids won't be confused or feel negative about the idea when they hear about it again later in their lives.
One of my parents came out as a trans woman when I was around 4 years old and my brother was 6 or 7. I have been asked many times over the course of my life how I coped with it or if it was difficult, and honestly I find it quite funny when people ask. At that age you are way more able to accept things as just being the way they are without making judgements, because your idea of "normal" is yet to be fixed.
If anything, I am incredibly grateful for having been exposed to all kinds of different people due to growing up in such an accepting household. It has saved me from having to do a lot of unlearning later on!
@Ville me, I care
@@thewitchstarot6975 I care too!
@@renaissancewoman3770 omg slay!
@Ville_x u care a lot it seems, since you're going around replying this to other comments
@Ville you smell of yoghurt
❤🧡💛💚💙💜🏳️🌈
Daily reminder; You are valid and amazing just the way you are!
🏳️🌈❤🧡💛💚💙💜
Thanks
@Ville what do you mean?
@Ville cringe
Thanks, I just got back from arguing with an idiot who's comparing taking drugs to being trans as his point.... SMH sometimes I wonder if transphobes share a single brain cell together
@@dustygania2425 who do you mean with „she“?
Jammi! Todays my HRT readiness appointment! I’m so excited! I’ll hopefully be close to being diagnosed !
poggers
Thanks Jamie. as one who is a transgender male asexual who was born out adultery and adopted when i got told i was adopted i was more worried about whether I was going to be accepted because I am transgender male asexual. So I think it's good to be open about both being transgender and adoption. :) PS happy world pride from sydney australia. my church got into mardi gras to protest for transgender rights. watch out for us "CLACCA Universal Life Church"- No pride in religious transphobia! Equality without exemption!" PPS I quoted you to ABC TV when I got interviewed about our transgender mardi Gras church protest float." I just said, "As my UK trans friend jamie would say, "sometimes the straights are not ok." and the ABC TV journalist loved it.
Something that I always go by when thinking about explaining stuff to kids, is that it's always better to help them step into the shallows than see someone else shove them into the deep end.
I came out as trans almost three months ago, but my parents refuse to use she/her pronouns for me, because according to them, “this is their transition too”.
I’ve thought about my gender identity (and procrastinated coming out) for three years. My parents told me they might just need an additional three years to “come to terms” with it.
…what.
They can't get used to it if they don't try progressively. It's ok to make mistake, but doing zero effort means '' '' I will continu to hurt you and I don't care. '' ''
@@skill07qc67 exactly.
man, I'm sorry your parents are acting that way :( proud of you for making steps towards living a more authentic life, and hopefully they'll come around once they realize how important this is to you
I'm going to try to keep this short(er), but it's kind of a long story.
My son-in-law was 1 of 3 boys.
But 5 years ago, the middle son came out as trans. She had been married for 7 years by that time to a bisexual woman who had no trouble being married to a trans woman.
Her parents said the same things as yours and wanted "time."
During that "time," they never referred to her by her name and would only use the dead name. When she called her parents on it, they always needed more "time."
Finally, this year at Christmas, things hit the fan.
"Everyone, Paul is on the phone!"
It had now been 5 years since "Paul" had changed her name to "Patricia."
My son-in-law got on the phone and immediately said loudly, "Merry Christmas Patricia!"
After the phone call, Adam was asked why he called Paul, Patricia.
Adam (my sil) told his mother that he's been using her "real" name since she came out 5 years before.
"I'm just not ready."
"And you never will be until you try."
Adam spoke with Patricia later that night and told her that she wasn't helping herself by not telling their parents that their time for "their transition" was up and that from now on she would only be answering to Patricia.
Sure. There could and probably would be mistakes, but as long as they tried, they would be accepted.
Easter will be the next big holiday when calls have usually been made.
I guess we'll see if these parents have learned anything.
Adam is being firm with his parents and has let them know that Patricia has his full support.
Expect a few wrong names and pronouns, but it really does get easier with practice!
@@alicecain4851 Thanks for sharing
I'm NB, and since the beggining with my kid I referred to myself as a 'person/human' and taught her about not assuming gender, and that went really smooth. At 6-7 she read about trans people like Laverne Cox in a women's biography book and in school they talked about lgtb+ matters and asked about it. Just as explained about non binary, she sat a moment to think and said "oh, like you!"
And that was it, no judgement or confusion, since that was what she has seen all her life :)
So your kid can't even call you mom or dad just parent??
@@Jcon4002 bruh there r soo many cool names u can replace mom or dad with. I read this owl House fic and one of the parents told their kid to call them 'ren'. it aint solid calm down
OMG! I saw the video where he told Shaaba's sisters, has it really been that long? When he said how old they were all I can think is "No way they are that old"
Openness with your children is critically important for building and maintaining their trust. I have some friends whose parents kept secrets from them their whole lives. When they found out, they were devastated and it was very hard to trust their parents ever again. So, yes, tell your kids as soon as they’re old enough to talk about it. Be open, honest, and truthful.
Big family 'secrets' don't work and they always come out. It happened to me. I was adopted, and that was fine, I knew that from a very young age, and I was totally fine with it. I was never remotely interested in searching for a birth mother or whatever. Much to my disgust, I found out when I was 16 that my birthmother was my eldest sister, and that my mother was in fact my grandmother. What disgusted me was that it suddenly explained why every family gathering for my whole growing up turned into an unpleasant bicker-fest, and always felt like it ended up with me in trouble for some reason I never understood. Yeah. Don't keep family secrets. It was a lot of years for me to forgive them for it (I'm 55 now). Not trans-related, I know, but they really messed up my early life with this nonsense. I know in 1967 an illigitimate child was a big 'shame', but honestly, most of my mother's hang-ups were about 'what will people think' and not 'what do my family think and how shitty does it make them feel'. This still makes me feel angry to a point. My sister who is my birth-mother is 73 and struggles with huge mental health problems, a lot of which surrounded what happened and the choices she was forced to make.
Big hug.
The person who didn't want to share their trans identity until their child was 10 will likely reconsider along the way, I think. My son is now 9 (going on 19) and will be fully 10 in 4 months... I can't imagine him not knowing since it's been such a breath of fresh air that he does. So far, he is just cis and straight as far as we know. One thing that did kind of make me laugh is that he's kind of got this gender abolitionist take now. We asked how he would feel if someone misgendered him and used she/her pronouns for him and he said "the pronouns they call me aren't who I am" so if you can imagine such a small human thinking up such big amazing things and how proud you'll be to see that they REALLY get it.. ahhh kids are awesome. Especially mine. 😂
Edit: for clarity, my son expresses that he can empathize with dysphoria and that to me was just a really proud moment. He's said more about it at other choice moments and it's just really apparent that he is critically thinking about how it feels to be misgendered and how important it is to just be who you are regardless of what other people think. And most importantly that who somebody is, and who he is, isn't dependent upon anyone else's opinion or approval. Thats so important for kids to understand, I think.
As a donor conceived person, I think your take is so good! I've always known I was a DC kid, and that meant for me its never been a big deal or weird, but I know many of us who found out when they were adults for whom their entire world crumbled and their sense of identity was super shaken. So many donor conceived kids have trouble with this, and I can imagine this goes for anything regarding your parents and your place in their life-- the feeling of being lied to, that's what makes it hurt the most. Children understand shit, they really do. I was told probably before I could even walk, and it's never been weird for me. There's books about explaining donor conception to kids as young as two or three, it really doesn't have to be something big and scary to do, as long as you explain it in terms that are understandable to them ^_^
@Ville I do :) go away if you don't.
I fully agree with you. Children are like books with blank pages. They learn and understand much more than most adults think. My mother was so close-lipped about herself, I didn't know she had a sister and brother until I was an adult. Currently, I have 3 children, ages 53, 49 and 29. The youngest is trans F-M, the 49-year-old is a gay woman with a long-term relationship. The oldest one is nothing like either of the others or like myself. Nuf said!
i'm glad the guy decided to tell his daughter! makes me happy when these things have a good resolution :)
there can definitely be many concerns and worries for trans ppl surrounding telling their kids, but i know if i adopt any i'll be telling them, and this was nice too see as a sort of reminder of how open-minded kids can be and how it's good it tell them
Honestly it feels odd to me this is even a question. Unless you’re fully closeted, keeping it a secret makes it seem like something shameful. I wouldn’t want to teach my kids that being trans is a dirty secret
@@DeathnoteBB yeah exactly! i'm just saying i understand the worres people might have, but definitely agree with you there
I came out to my sisters when they were 9 and 6, and they were entirely adorable and understanding in their response (and excited to have a big brother lol) ❤
i always agree with your takes on topics. as a trans guy whos not sure if he wants to be a parent or not it was actually interesting and useful to watch this video
i am really happy about this video, it was a great topic that you picked and a great train of thought about it. i too think that logically he "should" tell his daughter about his transition, but feelings can not be forced, a.k.a. one can't force people to be brave enough to do something
I came out to my little sister when she was 7 and she was the most supportive one in my whole family- she’d always correct my parents on name and pronouns when they got them wrong and it meant the world to me
He's not an asshole, just a little insecure, and who can blame him if he was rejected by his parents. I don't have kids, because I don't even feel grown up yet at 44, but I know the times my parents withheld information from me for a reason or another have left me a huge fear of being left out from the loop, and sometimes it's hard to trust other people. Of course, I only know about my family secrets because I listened, searched the drawers and connected the dots. Kids will find out eventually, but the sooner you tell, the less dramatic it will be. They'll be fine, at least until puberty.
That being said, I'm semi closeted myself, and I know it's ridiculous, because I have loving parents. It ain't easy coming out.
I mean, at some point the daughter will notice the T, or possibly the scars (if there are any), or will hear something (like a conversation with a doctor to schedule pap smear or something), and she will feel lied to, and THAT would sting. So good call, I'm glad they decided to tell her.
It's an interesting thing, definitely.
I don't think most of my younger cousins (under 13 or so; I came out about a decade ago so they don't remember) know I'm trans; if I saw them more often they probably would, but we don't see each other all that frequently (a few times a year) and it doesn't tend to... come up, in conversation?
I know one of them asked about the pictures of me when I was little that are still up in my grandparents' house, and was told that I liked to dress that way when I was young; that's true, but incomplete. (Had I been there, I might have given a more complete answer, but my aunt didn't want to just, like, out me without my permission, so. Completely understandable, I appreciate that.)
Maybe they should know, but it doesn't feel like a Great Big Secret when I'm a cousin they see a few times a year rather than an immediate family member.
If I ever have kids, *they'll* probably know, though; there are parts of my childhood that just don't make sense without that context, and I wouldn't want to constantly be censoring myself.
As someone who was adopted I think genuinely the younger you tell your kids the better. I was told I was adopted so young I do not remember a point where I didn't know. My birth mom created a book for me. My mom had books for adopted children to understand that my adopted parents didn't love me less but they had to give me up because they loved me and my parents love me just the same. I never once have felt wrong or out of place because of this. It was presented as this is the fact of the matter. It doesn't make me any less of a person. Or any less loved. And I never had any ill will twords my parents for adopting me or giving up. No I don't think ops an asshole. But yes I believe he should tell his children
Because I am a bigender man/enby not seeking medical transition, explaining to my kids that I am trans is vital because I am fairly certain that adults in their lives will assume that I am their mom instead of their dad and they will probably be confused if I don’t tell them
I can relate in the sense of coming from the adoption community. I was adopted as a baby (5 days old) because my birth mother and father didn't stay together. They tried living together, and just couldn't make it work. They were desperately in love, but knew it wasn't meant to be, and wanted to give me a life that I deserved.
I was told about being adopted from the beginning of my memory. It was never a big revelation, it was just another way to have a family. Some parents give birth to their children, and some parents adopt their children. I have NEVER felt less than to my family. All of my aunts and uncles, my grandparents on both sides, extended cousins and what have you, have ALWAYS treated me as part of the family because I am.
And I think that needs to be applied to this situation as well. Some men are born with the wrong parts, and socialized in the wrong way as children, and the same to some women. People go through hell throughout their lives to discover who they are, and part of normalizing things like adoption and the LGBT community is to just accept that some people, and some families have different trajectories to become who they are. We have to de-mysticize the idea of transness and just say 'well yeah, he was raised as a girl, but that doesn't mean he was a girl! He just had a different path to become a man, and that's fine.'
The daughter in the story clearly understands that the man from the TV was brave and wonderful for living as who he was, and hiding information about your family only creates problems in the long run.
It probably says more about me and my issues [g] that my gut reaction was, If you tell your child yourself, it will be harder for others to weaponize it against them. It takes the sting out of a mean kid saying, "YOUR dad used to be a GIRL!" if the child can shout back, "I know that, do you think I'm stupid?"
i came out to my immediate family fairly soon after i realized i was trans, and luckily they were very accepting. both of my siblings immediately told their kids, and those little ones have been my biggest supporters :') my nephew was was 8 at the time and right away he got to correcting people when they misgendered me or used my deadname (even his own parents when they messed up accidentally). both of my nieces were 3 at the time, and naturally they also had no issues with it. i didnt even have to explain pronouns to the niece i live with, she just switched right over to calling me "he" when we explained i was a boy. im really glad they've all been able to grow up knowing this about me, bc it really is just a part of their worldview now. i definitely recommend telling the kids in your life if you're able to. their love is so unconditional and uplifting, it'll give u hope for world
@Ville_x ?
@Ville_x what are you talking about? i have no idea what you are trying to say
As an adoptee who was also told at 3yrs old I totally agree that that's the way to go. I don't remember learning I was adopted, I just have known for as long as I can remember.
5:05 On this all, im all for folks bein allowed to be stealth and that includes stealth to those closest to them; but i cud nvr imagine that scenario for myself and id feel like TA for wantin to hide this part of me from ppl i care about
One thing I know as on old and wise-ish woman is that not telling children the truth early on, whether they're small children or nearly adults, leads to misery. Leaving telling the truth (whatever that truth may be) for years leads to mistrust and recriminations. Children are far more accepting and sensible than they're given credit for. One of my siblings was a twin and didn't find out her twin died at birth until she was in her thirties. It was something all the adults (relatives and family friends) knew but was never mentioned to the children.
I’m so sorry to hear about this man’s struggles and hope, with the support of his husband, he can open up to his child soon. Kids are much smarter and more capable of processing information than we give them credit for. I hope my kids and I can keep pushing each other to become better people. My kids have already pushed me much farther out of my little anxiety bubble than I’ve ever been.
I strongly disagree if I could pass I would and I would never ever tell anyone. Being trans is dangerous and being visibly trans is DANGEROUS! I’m paycheck to paycheck btw and often just don’t eat bc I’d rather starve than be homeless so this comes from a place of fear too and I think that’s valid, fear and personal worry keeps us safe
Love your videos and your channel, glad you dedicated so much time to this one story I have strong feelings on it too apparently
Sorry to hear about your food insecurity. I don't know about your location, but if you are low income, you should be eligible for some sort of assistance or hopefully have a food bank close by. We have enough local churches in my little town that they rotate free dinners every week, and provide shelter overnight when it's bad weather. Check all available resources - that's what they are there for, and when you are more secure, you can give back - I give weekly as I can afford it.
I also had many issues with the use of language the OP used, and it really showed how insecure he really is. Definitely something he should work on, especially at his big age
There is another word for kept secret in my family ticking time bomb!!! it always comes out there will be drama, tears and broken furniture. And if you’re really unlucky 5 to 7 crying infants. Yes it was that bad. for reference three of these things came out at the same family event it was as bad as you can imagine. gay, cheating with multiple pregnancies as a result, and 2 divorces, all of them unrelated to each other! And it was all set off by a rainbow cupcake literally no metaphors a freaking cupcake started all this.😂😂😂
as a child with a trans parent, i can confirm telling at a young age helps. im not confused however at the time, i didn't fully understood what it meant but i was understanding. i just wanted to throw that in there
From a very young age I knew that my oldest siblings had a different dad and that my dad was my mum’s second husband. I also was taught that since my parents got married after my older brother and I were born, that some people would be judgmental about that. Including their families. My mum was also almost 40 when she had me and considered “too old”. I’m almost 19 now and my parents are separated planning to divorce and dating other people. My stepparents have been in my life for a while now and I love them both because they make my parents happy. All of this stuff was tough to deal with but I found out at a young age which made it much easier.
UPLOADED EIGHT SECONDS AGO??? GOOD LORD...
i recently met my stepmum's niblings for the first time. her family is more on the old fashioned side of things, but her and her siblings are more understanding of how things have changed. i came out to my stepmum (and my dad) as nonbinary around two years ago and since then things like pronouns and my chosen name have become used as they should. meeting her cute lil niblings worried me a bit because i haven't spoken to her sister many times so i didn't know how the conversation would be brought up. to my surprise it was the most natural thing ever. her sister knew in advance and it took some getting used to for her, but the kiddos got it instantly. for context they are 7yo and 5yo. the 7yo was even correcting my stepmum's sister on her slip ups on the first day. i use any pronouns with a preference for they/them so slip ups aren't too much of a worry for me, but the kid was insistent on it bless her. i've heard from my stepmum since that she's only ever referred to me using they/them. we decided not to tell them too much about the different identities since they are young and i am the only not-cis person they know currently, but i think even if we did they would've got it. kids are smarter and a lot more compassionate than we give them credit for. i can understand these things being more of an issue when it comes to it being the parent, but ultimately raising kids with the knowledge and understanding of these topics can only do good. transphobes are raised, nobody is born with such prejudices, so having that personal exposure when they're younger could actually save a lot more pain for the trans person involved in the future because the child won't form these biases before it's too late for the trans person to come out to them
I understand his apprehension about being rejected by yet another family member who was supposed to give unconditional love. There’s a lot of internal trauma.
But I would feel horribly betrayed as the daughter to find out so much later in life. It would also make me worry about what other secrets have been kept from me.
I think often when we choose not to tell kids things, it's because of shame, and by not telling them we're projecting that onto them and teaching them to be ashamed of it too. Not only that, but kids often feel a lot of distrust towards their parents when these things do come out. How can we expect kids to share important things with their parents if parents aren't setting a good example?
I totally wanna see Charlotte And Jammi do a collab on AITA 😭😭 I know they are so far away from each other but it would be so lovely
Edit: thank you to all the kind people helping me figure out my sexuality. I'm now pretty sure I'm bisexuall and it's such a relief to know what's what, so to say
are you on about Charlotte Dobre? if so i agree
I think it would be great hypothetically but Charlotte (assuming Dobre) has been walking a very fine line to stay out of political commentary. If she did a collab with Jamie a lot of people would see it as a political statement. I suspect that she's 100% LGBT positive, there have been some very subtle hints, but I think she would avoid the "controversy" of being associated with an active trans creator.
Not saying that just being seen on screen with a trans person *should* be political or controversial. But it is whether we like it or not. No question she would experience backlash over it.
@@CorwinFound Holy Canoly, I watch her videos daily and only now realize this! You're absolutely right, thank you for bringing this to my attention!
I do recall her making very generalized statements along the lines of 'love is love' (pls don't ask me for a specific video, I've watched too many to say) but I absolutely can not recall her being political in any way. You kind of just broke my brain I guess but it's my fault for not realizing this myself hahaha
@@autumnleaves4879 I'm a trans guy (not sure what identities apply to you) so I'm hyper aware of those sorts of things. I don't demand every creator be hard core pro-LGBT in a very obvious way but I watch for signs. Mostly so that I don't accidentally promote people who turn out to be bigots. And I get people trying to stay a "happy place" where politics don't get ugly.
@@CorwinFound It is so kind of you to explain this! I'm a cis woman but very much struggling with my sexuality (trying to figure out wether I am pan or bi). I guess that's why I'm more sensitive to that topic. I do try not to promote bigots myself. But it is nice to have places where there just is no discussion of delicate topics. In a way I suppose it's a special kind of inclusion because all kinds of people can find something to enjoy together, even though they normally would stay away from each other
I feel like I really wanted to say something because I've been watching these videos for a long time and they've been an incredible help to my jorney and where I am today by bringing me confort, happyness and somewhat hope. I feel like I've cracked my shell and it's better than being in denial about myself. It took time and emotional turmoil, but I finally have a consultation soon that might finaly bring me to a top surgery I should have realized I needed long ago, so, thank you for your support on my jorney
Happy for you♡
I have to say that not telling a kid the truth, even if no other story is presented sends a pretty clear message to them about what is ok and what is not ok. When I was a kid in the 80s I knew that my aunt had been married before I was born and that she was no longer married to this man I had never known, but the reason that was true was always glossed over and vague. Similarly my mother's father had died before I was born and no one ever said how or why. When I was an older teen I learned that my aunt's husband was gay and now in a committed relationship with another man and that my grandfather had died of colon cancer, and in both cases, to me, as a child, the message was very clear, these are truths that are shameful and we don't talk about. Which really sends the message to a kid from a parent that if these things are issues you face, then we don't want to know about it because these are things we don't talk about. That may not have been the message they were intending, but it was the message that was received.
I'm so glad that ended with him deciding to tell her!
there was a story in my country where a kid (3rd grade) from a religious all boys school came out as a trans girl, and because of religious laws and opinions, the girl is being kicked out (still going on). and in our class in school we discussed it, and everyone kept misgendering her, and we had to write reasons to keep and throw her out of the school. it honestly really annoyed me that everyone kept thinking that there was a debate to be had. its really shifting my view of my school and teachers (who are mostly left leaning) and their weird treatment of this matter. they should just state clearly that this little child shouldnt be hurt and oppressed for being different. should and could I even do something about this?
When I was growing up, the reason why parents didn't tell their kids that they were adopted was to not hurt their feelings - there was a still a stigma against it then. I never understood why anyone would get upset about not sharing DNA with their parents. It would be a relief to me. I'd be less worried about inheriting mental health problems. Plus, being raised by people who actively sought out being parents has got to be a better environment than being raised by people who accidentally made a kid. On average.
I also feel like the longer a parent waits to tell their child something like this, the more opportunity is given for bigotry to sneak into their head from their peers or teachers or other outside sources.
Thank you for talking about this! I came out as a trans woman last year and have been asking myself this question and what would be the best thing to do. I don't have any children now, but I would want to tell them instead of them finding out. I'd love to see you make more videos on topics like this and on the r/AITA subreddit!
It is still difficult to talk about your true self, even if you have felt it for decades. I am still trying to figure myself out, am I just gender fluid or something else,too? I don't want to make a big deal out of it anyway.I have very few family members, though and I am 62, so I don't have to answer to anyone. My parents are gone,too. My heart goes out to those who have to deal with an unaccepting family. We can support each other on sites like this. Good luck to everyone!
I work with children and taught them about trans people when they were 4 and almost 2. At the time the 2 year old didn't understand but now that they are 3 we have discussed it again and he understands.
This is not quite the same thing but my English teacher from school found out she was adopted when she was in her 60s when her mum died.
My mum’s older sister knew she had a different dad but only in the last 5 years or so she found out she has other siblings
I think when it comes to kids: your kids or ones adopted, I believe it's best for them to directly hear the "I'm trans" conversation from the person who is trans. Mostly cause, some families are bit odd about it, and you never know if someone is gonna out you out of spite.
Man they weren't lying when they said phobic people are a loud minority ☻
I've only seen 2 phobes here Ville_x and Dusty making fools of themselves. Seems like they have absolutely no social life 😂
Also y'all handing these transphobes their asses is a great treat. Y'all are so smart and funny
I’m glad he’s telling his daughter. I agree that kids are okay with things if you are, and telling them the truth about themselves and the world is important from as young an age as possible. I was told from the time I was a toddler that my mom had to go to a lot of fertility doctors before I was conceived via in vitro fertilization. At that age, I understood that my mom’s body didn’t work so she and my dad had to find a doctor that would be able to help her, and the fact that my brother and I were born was a miracle.
I feel that if op gas told his daughter that she's adopted, telling ger he is trans is pretty much the same type of discussion. You use age appropriate language, answer questions and reassure that this doesn't mean you're not a family or anything like that.
I truly believe that children have an insane capacity for acceptance and Lilly has shown that she understood at least some of what was said in the lgbt presentation in saying the man was brave. I expect she'd think her daddy is brave for telling her his story too.
It's SO much better to find out things that are a bit unusual about you & your family when you're little & from your family, so that you grow up always knowing about them & able to ask questions about them. Finding out when you're grown up, especially by accident or from someone other than immediate family, is such a punch in the gut! You wonder "Why didn't they ever tell me I was adopted?" or "Why couldn't Daddy just tell me he's trans?" It makes you question everything you thought you knew about your life & is a major breach of trust with your family, & sometimes those bonds are irreparable. I know the conversations are hard, but I firmly believe if you don't think you can begin to tell your kid about these sorts of things while they're still a kid, you owe it to them NOT TO HAVE A KID! Okay, fine, I'm judgmental. But the kid(s) WILL find out, whatever it is, & it's best for them to find out from YOU! ^_^
This girl got her hormones! And thanks to insomnia and executive dysfunction is already forgetting to take them on schedule! Good thing I'm not cis because I'd be soooo fucking pregnant by now.
So glad that Jamie broke this down. And he's so right, people aren't born with transphobia, or anything like that. Teach them the truth about the world before bigotry is pushed onto them.
Pre Transition everything FTM here. This was a tough one for me to sqaure too. My partner and I already discussed kids to death but as I'm getting more comfortable in my trans identity (part of the reason I haven't transitioned yet oop-) it's something I have thought about more and more.
Personally, I wouldn't tell my child I was trans until I taught them appriopate boundaries and they understand the concept. Mainly because I can't trust other people, and I wouldn't want my child to say "well my daddy is trans!" And then have "the look" that homophobes/transphobes give. Ya'll know which look I'm talking about. Even worse if that person starts with the "oh sweetie I'm so sorry" or "I'll pray for her" or even worse a hateful or extreme reaction. I don't want my child thinking that theres something wrong with having any sort of connection with trans identities. Or worse, thinking that they've done something wrong.
So yes, I do think childern should have the right to know if their parents are trans/queer of any kind; unfortuantely we don't live in a world where it's safe to just... Do that.
Idk, maybe it's because I still live with my cult like christan family (another reason I haven't transitioned yet. They would kick me out.) that I feel like this, maybe when I feel safer in the future this will change but unfortuantely I feel like safety is more important than personal feelings.
the longer you wait to tell, the worse it's going to get. When they're young they're not really going to care. But if you tell them wayy later in life, they're probably going to feel at least somewhat betrayed, it's going to feel like they never really even knew their father/mother properly, and that they couldn't be 'trusted'.
I'm not trans nor are my parents so maybe I shouldn't really speak on this, but my parents did use a donor and they told me and my twin brother very early on, finding out about it some other way or having them tell us when we're already adults would feel so much weirder. We've grown up knowing this fact and it's completely a normal thing and doesn't change how we feel about out dad in any way because of that
10:40 Same feelings here, and theres no photos of me before comin out (partly cuz of distancin from my biofam, partly cuz i didnt have photos taken of me all of my adulthood, and partly cuz we were always too poor to buy school pictures). Now, tbf, i live a very antistealth life, but even if i was to just live as an intersex person and keep the trans stuff stealth... Id still want my potential kid to know all about me when it comes to this stuff.
Ive got zero link to my past, so its not like im worried it wud come out one day in passing, but its still smth id want them to know so they know me better
Its a major definin part of who i am today, even if i cud totes pass as just an intersex woman who can grow a beard. And id feel rly bad if they did find out about this, but not from me, bcuz id feel like they feel like ive hidden who i am from them
this makes me think of a middle grade book called Different Kinds of Fruit. yeah, definitely it's a good idea to tell kids. I think the comparisons to adoption and stuff are good.
Hi Jamie, can you put some of the responses from redditors in the video next time?? I like it when Shaaba does that in her videos :).
my partner's little sister is 7, almost 8, and she's known since i met her (3 years ago) that even tho i look like a girl, I'm not. she doesn't fully understand everything, but for a while now she's been correcting herself when she messes up on my pronouns. i love her so much
Among the few people who might need to know what my genitals are like, my kids are probably not in that group. It's not a secret, because there's nothing to tell. I'll be their mom, no different than if I were cis.
I was kind of thinking the same thing. I guess I don’t really get why some people want their identity to be “trans” rather than just the identity they transitioned to. Like, for me, when I meet a trans person I just kind of mentally drop the “trans” and think of them as a man/woman. Of course if they’re open about being trans, it’s still a significant part of their identity and can have specific problems and experiences attached to it. But if someone was trans and simply referred to themselves as a man or a woman without mentioning that they’re trans, I wouldn’t feel betrayed or hurt if I found out. Because it’s none of my business. And not having access to that information wouldn’t impede my ability to bond and become close to that individual, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
I feel like a lot of trans people have had to fight for their identity to be seen for so long that they can’t imagine why someone would rather not be seen.
There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your identity, but I also think it’s kind of ignorant and infantilizing to act as if trans people who don’t want to share that information are only acting that way because they’re traumatized or ashamed.
It should be 100% up to the person. Nobody grills cishet people about this stuff, so why should the trans community get that treatment? Maybe it’s just nobody’s business what’s going on with your genitalia.
This is so right! Everyone's acting like he's so wrong and so traumatized just for wanting to be stealth it's ridiculous...
I agree with you. Imagine making medical decisions about your ailing father and not knowing or finding out that way. When you’re already dealing with a parent’s declining health.
it's all about trans-parentcy.
Horrible joke! I love it!
Take my like and get outta here youuuuuuu 😂
2:20 I too was adopted. Ive also known since I was 3. It did in fact make things so much easier.