😢 me too. My son in law is a narcissist and a drama queen. 35 years old no job for well over a year. My daughter is pregnant. My husband validates him because my son in law is very manipulative. Turns things around on me. Example, oh no that's not what I meant etc. Now my son in law has the power in my home. All he does is cause drama. He's 35 going on 12. I'm just in alot of pain because my husband never takes my side. He shuts me down really quick.
This is actually what I'm experiencing now with my husband. I'm so sorry you're suffering from this situation :/ My husband makes me feel like I'm going crazy and disregards any progress I've made for me and to better the relationship. I'd calmly and kindly ask how we could work on building a stronger connection and he'd turn it on me and immediately say my expectations are too high, he'll never be able to make me happy, I'm just trying to verbally abuse him and use him as an excuse to be unhappy. So frustrating and defeating...and extremely toxic. We're in couples therapy now but he continues to throw me under the bus and not take responsibility for his side of the equation, so I'm not sure this will ever change since I'm finally seeing his true colors (especially since we've been together 12 years, struggling for over 5 of those years). Best of luck to you. Remember that you are more important than staying in an emotionally abusive 💕 relationship.
Experiencing the same currently with my bf. Tried to confront him about the delivery of what he said to me couple days ago . I agreed with the core meaning of his message but I found it condescending (confirmed beforehand I wasnt reading into something non existent) and wanted to clarify if he meant to come across that way...... Boy when I tell you he straight told me "let me tell you why youre wrong"... I listened to what he was saying but it felt like I might aswell of kept my mouth shut. I just sat there being talked at and not listened to at all. I get shutdown on a regular basis or told I shouldn't feel a certain way, how I should and assumes things about me. .
I'm experiencing this with my girlfriend. We've been friends for so long when we finally started seeing each other. I just went back and looked at my text which don't have any questions about how I'm doing or I hope your having a good day. I figured being friends for so long would change things so there wouldn't be any games. No, she only returns text when she needs something.
I’ve dealt with this for years by partner and get told “what, I’m supposed to care about your feelings” “I don’t care” “your too emotional” “are you done talking “ or get the silent treatment so sad after being married for 14 years he says he’s done trying and I’m just trying to make him look bad. Geez no safe space in my relationship for my heart
I e experienced this repeatedly, in some subtle and some more explicit ways. I tried to communicate my feeling and needs vulnerably which just led to greater invalidation. My partner tried to adjust her behaviour slightly, but it felt like that was only to not lose me, rather than try to understand how I actually felt. All I ever wanted was a balanced relationship where both of our emotions and needs were equally important. And where we had different ways of getting a need met we meet in the middle and honour that within both of us. I started abandoning myself because I tolerated her feelings being front and Centre, which always happed when I tried to communicate mine. This led to my self worth plummeting until I found the strength to stand my ground. Ultimately once I communicated my expectation, clearly and vulnerably- that our emotions and needs be equally important in the relationship, it became obvious that they were not. That was when I kindly stated that I was leaving the relationship. This was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do, because I loved her and still do. I thought she was the woman I’d been waiting for all these years, but I had value myself - which meant ending it and giving myself the message that I deserve a reciprocal relationship.. Which I truly believe, some day, I will find ❤️
You can remember how someone made you feel years later even if you can't remember the exact details that actually happened. The feeling you felt stays trapped in your body if it's not dealt with and validated at the time.
We respond to invalidating because we have felt this before...and it wasn't good..so we become scared that these "bad" things are happening again and so we rear up to stop it asap but then we look like we are blowing this out of proportion...we are NOT! we have a right to protect every part of our body...including our feelings and heart.
I can hear so much of this in how my wife treats me. I cannot say anything about how I feel with regards to any situation without being told I am wrong, I was wrong or I did X or Y and essentially deserve it. This has happened for so long now that I have given up making attempts in many aspects of my family. It is pretty sad when I look forward to being at work even if I work in retail.
No one should ever respond to somoenes FEELINGS this way. You never know what horible abuse somoene has been through before you got started on them . you may just destroy somoens spirit
I feel this to my core, everything you said is what I experience. I feel like I barely exist as a person. I’m not living my life I’m living his. It’s made worse when you have a limitations due to a chronic illness. I’m invisible
I've tried to tell him how I feel he makes me cry. He shows no emotion to the fact that he has hurt me. He goes about his business as usual. What can I do. Broken
It’s time to leave, I’ve been there..don’t trap yourself in a trauma bond relationship..if it doesn’t hurt him that YOU are hurting and that YOU cry, sis..he doesn’t care..please save yourself, choose your peace. Make room for the person that’s truly meant to show you healthy love.. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
“Man up” .. rather “woman up”. Maybe satisfaction seeing yu cry. Smtimes there’s a lot of financial/logistical loss with divorce, especially w age. If yu can tough it out and grow stronger and depend on God’s strength!! He doesn’t lie, betray, be rude, deceive.. let yr partner yur not a little wimp - “does this make yu feel more like a man? Really?” When he sees its not having same effect he may back off. I’ve been thru the mill but NOW I realize (with humility) I’m quite a gal - not perfect but a good woman.. get stronger, ask the Lord for wisdom, and be the bigger one. I’ve come a long way , so will you💪🏽🙏🏽
“They tell you what they think you are feeling” this one really got my heart racing! Happens every day, as a way to try to push my buttons, to the point where my partner actually says they know how I feel before I even do ! LMAO
Do you use I statements or are you saying you make me feel? If you are not blaming him maybe he feels guilty and therefore extremely sensitive to what you’re saying?
@@MaryJoRapini I try to always start by saying “it’s not on you, but I am feeling…” but yes sometimes “I do say you are making me feel like …” In both the cases reactions are almost same. It ends up with calling me dramatic and “just get over it, big deal” kind of statement.
Yeah, he is definitely not comfortable with something you are triggering. This is his responsibility to face but he may need a third party ( therapist) to help him see it and work through it.
25 years of this. I still tell him how he makes me feel, moreoften than not, but as always he tells me how I am feeling is incorrect. I say he’s absolutely on point incorrect and remind him that is my feelings not his then tell him “I am ending it here” and walk away.
Just experienced this. He invalidates me so much. Turns everything around. Makes me feel crazy. Tells me I’m so dependant 🥺 I don’t think I can continue.
I appreciated this video. A lot of people like kicking the hornets nest and then not providing answers. As someone unable to pay for therapy but in desperate need of it, I appreciate this video.
Most of my life I felt that I’ve always been invalidated. My family, my friends, and my relationships were always telling me I was wrong for feeling angry, frustrated, sad, depressed. I felt that I needed to conceal my feelings because I was overreacting or too sensitive.. that my feelings weren’t valid enough. That I was the bad guy because they hurt me and I was expressing that to them. It took a lot to leave all that and realizing my worth and that I deserved better. I’m healing and learning more about myself. I hope everyone gets to that point in their life if they’re struggling. You’re not overreacting, nor are you too sensitive, your feelings are valid and they matter.
I believe one of the worst things you can do to a person in a relationship is invalidate your feelings. My former relationship was like that, and I ended up cheating. Fortunately one of my "affairs" have lead to the absolute best relationship of my life. I have finally discovered what it is like to have a whole hearted healthy relationship.
No dispute on that. I've been on both ends, unfortunately. It doesn't make it right, but mistakes were made. They just fortunately lead me in the right direction
Thank you! This is very healthy and helpful. Just saw a video where a man was saying women expressing their feelings all the time is unnecessary and stresses men out so when you feel you need to express your feelings just ignore them and smile....That felt so wrong to me. Glad I found this instead!
Many unlicensed coaches have no training and they can say whatever they want. As a licensed therapist I think being able to express your feelings is the most important part of being human. ❤️
I literally just saw a video of therapist who said "expecting your husband to listen to your feelings is both unrealistic and inappropriate." 💩 Praying he's not married.
Thanks for validating my emotions. The only people who validate my emotions are my friends and my sister when she can. But I’ve never had emotional support. I really need to get a therapist again… I have such a issue finding one
Subconsciously, I will admit I am guilty, if Eye rolling or playing on my phone while trying to talk to me. I NEVER realized, that’s what I was doing to her… Going forward if she wants my attention phones going off and giving her my undecided attention.
I’m watching this but after 20 plus years of being together I’m done. I don’t have the strength or energy to even try anymore. My feelings matter and it’s obvious he doesn’t care. I’m done asking and crying.
I like what you said. My feelings matter, just not to him. I can no longer deal with a man that doesn’t care about me. 26 years of marriage. I’m about to end it. Extremely scary. I feel like I’m free falling off a cliff.
My family is already invalidate my feelings but he also.... I wish, I wish... he let me finish to say some things I really hurt not invalidate my feelings all the time.
He wants me to apologize for him hurting me... smh. He never apologizes to but I have to to him. Yea, I am tired of the devaluation. It bothers him when I am happy so he starts to insult me so I can get angry, THEN he feels happy. Lol
When I try to tell my wife anything that bothers me somehow it ends up about how hers is worse and I don’t understand her pain so she doesn’t have to deal with hearing about mine
Hey Mary! I think that dealing with trust issues in yourself or your partner would be a good video idea. It’s something that’s been bugging my mind for ages because I’ve never really figured it out. As always a great and calm informative video Mary!
I have been looking everywhere for this kind of advice. No one else has said this on RUclips or anywhere that I have seen. I really think that this video is an answer to prayer because I was about to give up and getting any help on this issue. It really hurts me when I am crying or having other negative emotions and other people just ignore me. It really does or least used to make me feel worthless. But I have overcome so much trauma agony and stress, that what didn’t kill me make me stronger. I am so proud of what I have overcome in Jesus name that I have confidence in myself. I guess that means that I can validate myself too. But that’s still a lonely place to be. Jesus didn’t create us to be an island. It’s especially hurtful when my husband doesn’t want anything to do with me today. And when I think about my family, they treat me this way too. We have discussed many things and I know it’s getting better. I know why I leave these comments, because I’m looking for validation from a stranger. What’s wrong with that? I know it won’t mean as much as my husband validating me, but I still think a little bit goes a long way. It makes us realize that we aren’t alone. There are billions of people on this planet. Can’t at least one of them (in addition to myself) validate me?
He tells me that my feelings are complaints. When I try to tell him I’m not happy he responds with “complain complain complain that’s all you ever do is just complain”. The pure invalidation of me as a human being is completely devastating. I’ve tried for years to get him to hear me, and he only pulls further away and deeper into himself, I’m finding the strength to end my 26 year marriage as I cannot continue to live with a ghost of a man who provides nothing to the marriage other than pain and misery
I'm struggling with this so much right now, but we're engaged to be married later this year :( I'm so low and feel like my fiance is completely incapable of showing me kindness, respect, empathy, or understanding. I'm scared. It's cost so much to book things for our wedding I feel devastated. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he argues and just attacks me, I said if he can't communicate with kindness how can I feel like getting married is a good idea and he just said "fine, I dont care"
Can I ask you if he was always the same ? I’ve been dating someone for just 3 months and I’m thinking leaving them 😢 I don’t wanna continue feeling this way and I wonder if people can ever change
Humans experience life through their emotions, it’s how we navigate, connect, and steer away from harm. To expect a person not to feel is turning them into an object.
Been in NO PROGRESS & NO WAY TO GO path 8 days now Have discussed a lot Compromise over compromise Telling him this m that, begging him to communicate and hold his hands, hug, see thru his eyes, many many times.... I don't even understand I didn't even angry I'm telling him that I'm upset that he didn't even recognize the clues of our quality time... After watching movies and he's just jumped into RUclips video (again) 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓 4 days after I'm trying to ask n try to get close, but he's totally giving 'doesn't matter' attitude He's just doing his own stuff I found this video Today is my 8th day, sleeping in another room n don't want to meet him It's always, me, who have to come forward Start the conversation and slowly guide him join the dots, and explain carefully... Everything I'm tired n i'm mixed up now
When you try to go to your friend for validation of your past trauma but he ends up invalidating you and thinks he’s just telling you what you don’t want to hear… 😔
It could mean many things…often though it is tied into their own feeling of lack of control of their feelings (how your expression of feelings trigger something within them). Invalidation is often an unconscious attempt to get the discomfort to stop. If someone is avoidant, emotionally unavailable, they often had a childhood where they were never taught validation and don’t know how to validate others. I wouldn’t assign a “meaning” to others behaviors (like, “they don’t care about the relationship) that’s a huge cause of self created suffering, when we assume, jump to conclusions, about why people do what they do. It also takes the focus off of us and our empowerment. To be empowered, one has to know what they want/need, what their boundaries are, how they will implement follow through to boundaries (consistently) and communicate these clearly, respectfully and firmly. Your job is to heal yourself and advocate for yourself. In that way you will have more clarity, understanding, of yourself and others…and you won’t try to analyze their behavior. You’ll be strong within yourself knowing what you will, and won’t tolerate. The number one key, is self validation. Often, when we are attracted to those who invalidate…we already invalidate ourselves. It can be things like, ignoring how we feel, dismissing our needs, minimizing our own boundaries (this can be through internal dialogue, habits…much is subconscious). We are attracted to those who will treat us similarly to how we treat ourselves (and we learned to treat ourselves that way from how we were treated in childhood). Once we wake up, heal our core wounds, do subconscious reprogramming, we learn to pay attention and honor ourselves better. We then will attract those who will do that too. Vulnerability is also a big component…saying “I don’t feel cared for when my feelings are invalidated”. In addition, define what came across as invalidating to you (as SO many people are blind to invalidating others), so they have a clear example to work with. That takes ownership of YOUR feelings and perspective, instead of projecting that onto someone else. It’s scary, yes, but it’s the only way to an authentic, transparent, healthy dynamic.
@@Alphacentauri819 "Often, when we are attracted to those who invalidate…" I think this is spot on. I was invalidated by my parents while growing up and again and again get attached to those who do the same. It's a vicious cycle. It's like I have this desperate need to be validated and those in whom I put my complete trust dismiss my feelings as inappropriate to them, etc.
@@whatsupbudbud I’m so sorry you were invalidated, starting in childhood. I was too. I too have been “attracted” to those who are invalidating. Finding out my attachment style (fearful avoidant), my core wounds and how to heal, has been incredibly empowering. It’s a journey for sure, but a huge key is to stop (and redirect, reprogram) our own invalidating internal dialogue. We learn it early, early on and don’t even know it’s going on until we really look deeper. The realization of entrenched patterns, of taking on how our parents treated us, and treating ourselves in similar ways, is eye opening. I wish for you connection and love (to yourself and others) and peace. May you know your incredible worth in this universe and only allow people and situations that reflect that. 💫💛
What does it mean when you try to express your feelings to your partner (especially if it's something they've done that's made you upset) and they suggest your mentally ill/ have you taken your medication today or tell you to stop being negative/ stop creating a problem.
My boyfriend of almost 3 year's I believe is a bit narcissistic. He KNOWS my life story of how I grew up in all FORMS of ABUSE😢😢. Yet he owns his own business, and called me, saying: " You think you have problems, I've had someone steal $10,000 dollars from my business! Some people have REAL problems. It has wounded me, I now distrust him, and need to move back to my own apartment. (Yes, after having everything taken from me, by my ex-EVIL husband of 36 years, my home, my children & grandchildren, I signed off on receiving any of his retirement. He the Ex attempted to kill me, LITERALLY because he learned he had stock in Motorola in 2014, he didn't want to have to share it with me. It's absolute... INSANITY!
BEGGING my husband to talk with me for our family so we can both work on ourselves for our kids... And he blows up, breaks down, shuts down, blows up and so on... ALL day, and blame me for ruining the day
I don't know if I'm guilty of this or not, but my husband radiates anger or resentment, and I try to ask him "what's going on" and get a very aggressive response or annoyance. I feel bad because it sounds like I'm trying to tell him how he feels, but I'm really trying to figure out how he feels so I can calm down and calm the children down.
What is it when they ignored u or say I’m not listening to nothing you are talking about or just give up the silent treatment? Or they think you are something they saw on RUclips and they apply some technique from the video and it makes the situation worse?
You should do a video on unintentional invalidation, because invalidation is subjective. Someone with autism for example could take something as simple as sarcasm the wrong way, and feel invalidated. People don't realise that nobody is perfect, people have flaws, and everyone makes minor mistakes. Invalidation happens in all romantic relationships, and it doesn't mean that the other person done it on purpose, or that you should break up. One regrettable action shouldn't ruin your whole relationship.
I love my wife more than life itself. But considering the medical and mental issues that she endures, she fails to understand my problems. It is very frustrating when she gets extremely angry with me when I share my feelings with her. But, I have a solution. She will never be able to ignore my emotions ever again. I learned about Nitrogen Hypoxia the other day. And before that it was Helium. I toyed with this idea for years; but now I am ready. I can't stand this pain anymore. I want to go home. Thank you Mom, Dad, Daughter and Wife for all of the times you have blown me off. And please disrespect my passing by crying for yourself at my funeral. Goodbye.
Re "I'm not going to talk to you about this any more." Isn't it possible that this is actually one person setting a healthy boundary? For example, when the "feelings" smuggle in passive-aggressive (or just plain aggressive) messages, gaslighting, etc.?
It seems to me that there might be a range of possbilities from what is invalidating - to what is neither necessarily validating, nor necessarily invalidating - to what is validating. So, for instance, if I am expressing something that I feel or have experienced, then whoever I am expressing that to might (for example) either say or do something dismissive (invalidating), or might say or do something irrelevant - or, at least, unrelated - to what I was expressed (neither necessairly invalidating, nor necessarily validating), or might NOT say or do anything (also neither necessarily validating, nor necessarily invalidating) in reply to what I expressed - or in response to what I expressed, or they might say or do something supportive (validating) in response to what I expressed. If that is so, then - sometimes - what is not any actual invalidation (but is instead simply not a validation), might seem to be an invalidation - even though it isn't that, at all. There is some distinction, perhaps, between a partner simply not paying attention to what it is that you are expressing to them - or that you are attempting to express anything to them, and a partner deliberately ignoring what you are attempting to express, or even deliberately ignoring that you are attempting to express anything at all. Someone who is a compulsive talker, for example, is not necessarily validating (nor is necessarily invalidating) what the other person is expressing - or is attempting to express.
Thank you. I left the room while my partner was playing a video game (and he was talking but I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or someone in the game). I needed to rinse my cup and wandered out of the room. I would not usually do that while someone is speaking to me. Anyways, he then got upset and told me how I am a “disrespectful” person for doing that. I felt guilty but I did stand up for myself to say I really didn’t mean to be that way. He was adamant that my behavior was unacceptable. What would be a healthy reaction to that?
@@whatsupbudbudthat’s a nice point. My partner is the type that would immediately apologize to me too (if I apologize and acknowledge my fault first - even if it was unintentional). Thank you, I did not think of it that way🙏
Ask him to put away his video game. Are you from the US? In the US we use eye contact. If he is going to talk to you, then he needs to look you in the eyes so you know he speaking to you. If he is not looking at you and you don’t know if he talking to you, then that’s a problem. At the very least he could have asked you if you heard what he said and repeated himself. Did he even use your name? That’s another indication that someone is talking to you. He cannot blame you for being rude if he is being rude too.
@@annaburns2865 Anna, no I am not from US. He did not make eye contact nor call my name. Unfortunately he has a habit to yell across the house and expect me to listen. I am working on being assertive and letting him know he should refrain from that.
@@Bluesnakes333 ok. I am not sure if I understand the situation completely. My mother in law (May she Rest In Peace) used to yell a lot too. I hated whenever she yelled at me or her caregivers because we were always nearby even if we were in the next room and sometimes it felt like was right in my ear, I think it’s because my husband usually wore ear buds all the time. When we first got married it was very hard for me to get his attention. I didn’t have it in me to yell at him as hard as she did and I didn’t want to either. I would repeat his name and try to yell until I was blue in the face. But I couldn’t be as gruff as his mom. Which is what he was used to. It was extremely frustrating for me at the time, but after two years of marriage I think we finally found a system that works. He usually just puts one ear bud in so the other ear bud is free to hear what I am saying. If your partner is yelling at you I would go into another room. If the weather is nice enough maybe go outside even for 5 minutes. Especially if you have neighbors he will be less likely to yell with them around. If you are in physical danger, you can always call 911 or your local police department. But hopefully, it will just be a communication issue which you can both work on. These RUclips videos have helped my husband and I out a lot. 🙂
My partner and his mother blame all that on their autism. I think some autistic people use their autism as a free pass and are very manipulative. I have seen some abusive behaviours from my autistic partner recent weeks and I don't want to tolerate more, after almost 10 months mostly loving and good relationship.
I’m honestly struggling to not do this. I’m in a relationship with a female who has borderline personality disorder and her constant yo yoing between emotions over little things is frustrating. She cheated on me a month ago and now constantly says I’m going to do the same, I’m nearly at my wits end with her and her near constant dramatics.
I don't want to sound brash or insensitive but I think that she took it too far and you need to focus on yourself. You don't deserve to stay with someone who's going to gaslight you
You should leave this relationship. I have been in a relationship with a borderline which turned into physical abuse and he eventually committed suicide so I really struggled for a decade after. I'm not saying they are the same people but it is a dangerous position you are in. Likely.
I feel like I'm the only one trying to make the marriage work . I gave everything even financially I spend all my money for our Family so he doesn't need to worry about money that much. Still no love and res for me.
I guess we men never get it right. If we don’t talk it’s because we are withholding. If we do we’re called gaslighters, narcissist etc. relationships are stressful to us too and nobody really cares about us men
Feelings. People have become such weak sheep. Get over yourselves and toughen up. The world is a tough place. Sticks and stones. No one should need validation for their feelings from someone else.
It’s great that you now are aware about this and it’s now an opportunity to grow and improve now you are conscious of your actions. Try speaking to him and ask him how he feels or bring up things he has wanted to talk about that you have shut down prior. Tell him what you have learnt and apologize and just listen and understand This will go along way
Told him how I feel and he turned it all back on me. Actually I've been trying to tell him about my needs and he shuts me down every time
😢 me too. My son in law is a narcissist and a drama queen. 35 years old no job for well over a year. My daughter is pregnant. My husband validates him because my son in law is very manipulative. Turns things around on me. Example, oh no that's not what I meant etc. Now my son in law has the power in my home. All he does is cause drama. He's 35 going on 12. I'm just in alot of pain because my husband never takes my side. He shuts me down really quick.
This is actually what I'm experiencing now with my husband. I'm so sorry you're suffering from this situation :/
My husband makes me feel like I'm going crazy and disregards any progress I've made for me and to better the relationship. I'd calmly and kindly ask how we could work on building a stronger connection and he'd turn it on me and immediately say my expectations are too high, he'll never be able to make me happy, I'm just trying to verbally abuse him and use him as an excuse to be unhappy. So frustrating and defeating...and extremely toxic.
We're in couples therapy now but he continues to throw me under the bus and not take responsibility for his side of the equation, so I'm not sure this will ever change since I'm finally seeing his true colors (especially since we've been together 12 years, struggling for over 5 of those years).
Best of luck to you. Remember that you are more important than staying in an emotionally abusive 💕 relationship.
@@huyentang8925 sounds a lot like my partner. I'm only 2 years in and already feel broken
Experiencing the same currently with my bf. Tried to confront him about the delivery of what he said to me couple days ago . I agreed with the core meaning of his message but I found it condescending (confirmed beforehand I wasnt reading into something non existent) and wanted to clarify if he meant to come across that way...... Boy when I tell you he straight told me "let me tell you why youre wrong"... I listened to what he was saying but it felt like I might aswell of kept my mouth shut. I just sat there being talked at and not listened to at all. I get shutdown on a regular basis or told I shouldn't feel a certain way, how I should and assumes things about me. .
I'm experiencing this with my girlfriend. We've been friends for so long when we finally started seeing each other. I just went back and looked at my text which don't have any questions about how I'm doing or I hope your having a good day. I figured being friends for so long would change things so there wouldn't be any games. No, she only returns text when she needs something.
When you have to look up videos & information about your mental health, because you don’t want to be a burden to anyone..
That’s not necessarily the case, don’t talk down on your self
I need this validation after 7 months of being constantly invalidated. It's sooooo incredibly PAINFUL! 😭
24 for me, Finally divorced him and feel like a brand new person!
It is painful.
Very painful. I’m not the only one…I thought I was losing it…
Lol we need a support group❤
Feelings are definitely right or wrong. Emotional invalidation is one of my favorite tactics. Goddamn I am awesome!
I’ve dealt with this for years by partner and get told “what, I’m supposed to care about your feelings” “I don’t care” “your too emotional” “are you done talking “ or get the silent treatment so sad after being married for 14 years he says he’s done trying and I’m just trying to make him look bad. Geez no safe space in my relationship for my heart
I relate. Sadly so many of us can. ❤
Can you leave this relationship? It isn't worth going through life like that. We only have one life.
They call us dramatic & crazy 😂😂 then tell us just move one 😂
I e experienced this repeatedly, in some subtle and some more explicit ways. I tried to communicate my feeling and needs vulnerably which just led to greater invalidation. My partner tried to adjust her behaviour slightly, but it felt like that was only to not lose me, rather than try to understand how I actually felt. All I ever wanted was a balanced relationship where both of our emotions and needs were equally important. And where we had different ways of getting a need met we meet in the middle and honour that within both of us. I started abandoning myself because I tolerated her feelings being front and Centre, which always happed when I tried to communicate mine. This led to my self worth plummeting until I found the strength to stand my ground. Ultimately once I communicated my expectation, clearly and vulnerably- that our emotions and needs be equally important in the relationship, it became obvious that they were not. That was when I kindly stated that I was leaving the relationship.
This was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do, because I loved her and still do. I thought she was the woman I’d been waiting for all these years, but I had value myself - which meant ending it and giving myself the message that I deserve a reciprocal relationship..
Which I truly believe, some day, I will find ❤️
You can remember how someone made you feel years later even if you can't remember the exact details that actually happened. The feeling you felt stays trapped in your body if it's not dealt with and validated at the time.
This is heavy.
We respond to invalidating because we have felt this before...and it wasn't good..so we become scared that these "bad" things are happening again and so we rear up to stop it asap but then we look like we are blowing this out of proportion...we are NOT! we have a right to protect every part of our body...including our feelings and heart.
Even if they are significant. Walk away. It is very painful but in due time you will be much happier and have better people in your life.
They also don't care when they hurt you and call you too emotional.
I can hear so much of this in how my wife treats me. I cannot say anything about how I feel with regards to any situation without being told I am wrong, I was wrong or I did X or Y and essentially deserve it. This has happened for so long now that I have given up making attempts in many aspects of my family. It is pretty sad when I look forward to being at work even if I work in retail.
No one should ever respond to somoenes FEELINGS this way. You never know what horible abuse somoene has been through before you got started on them . you may just destroy somoens spirit
I feel this to my core, everything you said is what I experience. I feel like I barely exist as a person. I’m not living my life I’m living his. It’s made worse when you have a limitations due to a chronic illness. I’m invisible
I've tried to tell him how I feel he makes me cry. He shows no emotion to the fact that he has hurt me. He goes about his business as usual. What can I do. Broken
It’s time to leave, I’ve been there..don’t trap yourself in a trauma bond relationship..if it doesn’t hurt him that YOU are hurting and that YOU cry, sis..he doesn’t care..please save yourself, choose your peace. Make room for the person that’s truly meant to show you healthy love.. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
“Man up” .. rather “woman up”. Maybe satisfaction seeing yu cry. Smtimes there’s a lot of financial/logistical loss with divorce, especially w age. If yu can tough it out and grow stronger and depend on God’s strength!! He doesn’t lie, betray, be rude, deceive.. let yr partner yur not a little wimp - “does this make yu feel more like a man? Really?” When he sees its not having same effect he may back off. I’ve been thru the mill but NOW I realize (with humility) I’m quite a gal - not perfect but a good woman.. get stronger, ask the Lord for wisdom, and be the bigger one. I’ve come a long way , so will you💪🏽🙏🏽
“They tell you what they think you are feeling” this one really got my heart racing! Happens every day, as a way to try to push my buttons, to the point where my partner actually says they know how I feel before I even do !
LMAO
I'm the only one who knows how I feel....LOL!
Every time I express how am I feeling turns out I am blaming him and I am a drama queen
Do you use I statements or are you saying you make me feel? If you are not blaming him maybe he feels guilty and therefore extremely sensitive to what you’re saying?
@@MaryJoRapini I try to always start by saying “it’s not on you, but I am feeling…” but yes sometimes “I do say you are making me feel like …”
In both the cases reactions are almost same. It ends up with calling me dramatic and “just get over it, big deal” kind of statement.
Yeah, he is definitely not comfortable with something you are triggering. This is his responsibility to face but he may need a third party ( therapist) to help him see it and work through it.
25 years of this. I still tell him how he makes me feel, moreoften than not, but as always he tells me how I am feeling is incorrect. I say he’s absolutely on point incorrect and remind him that is my feelings not his then tell him “I am ending it here” and walk away.
Just experienced this. He invalidates me so much. Turns everything around. Makes me feel crazy. Tells me I’m so dependant 🥺 I don’t think I can continue.
I’m at that point as well.
@@catalinaamzi Sending love and strength
Your feelings and needs are important and you deserve them to be met and validated…
Remove yourself love
Feelings are definitely right or wrong. Emotional invalidation is one of my favorite tactics. Goddamn I am awesome!
I appreciated this video. A lot of people like kicking the hornets nest and then not providing answers. As someone unable to pay for therapy but in desperate need of it, I appreciate this video.
Most of my life I felt that I’ve always been invalidated. My family, my friends, and my relationships were always telling me I was wrong for feeling angry, frustrated, sad, depressed. I felt that I needed to conceal my feelings because I was overreacting or too sensitive.. that my feelings weren’t valid enough. That I was the bad guy because they hurt me and I was expressing that to them. It took a lot to leave all that and realizing my worth and that I deserved better. I’m healing and learning more about myself. I hope everyone gets to that point in their life if they’re struggling. You’re not overreacting, nor are you too sensitive, your feelings are valid and they matter.
I believe one of the worst things you can do to a person in a relationship is invalidate your feelings. My former relationship was like that, and I ended up cheating. Fortunately one of my "affairs" have lead to the absolute best relationship of my life. I have finally discovered what it is like to have a whole hearted healthy relationship.
Still.. cheating is also bad
You should have ended it with your partner
You're right, I should have. And I did, it just should have been sooner than later. No denying it.
No dispute on that. I've been on both ends, unfortunately. It doesn't make it right, but mistakes were made. They just fortunately lead me in the right direction
No excuse for cheating. Just end it if you don't like it
Thank you! This is very healthy and helpful. Just saw a video where a man was saying women expressing their feelings all the time is unnecessary and stresses men out so when you feel you need to express your feelings just ignore them and smile....That felt so wrong to me. Glad I found this instead!
Many unlicensed coaches have no training and they can say whatever they want. As a licensed therapist I think being able to express your feelings is the most important part of being human. ❤️
I hear this so much. Men already have so much in their mind, you telling them how you feel stresses them out because the can’t fix it. - I reject that
I literally just saw a video of therapist who said "expecting your husband to listen to your feelings is both unrealistic and inappropriate." 💩 Praying he's not married.
Was he a licensed therapist or someone giving relationship advice w/ little or no training?
Feelings are definitely right or wrong. Emotional invalidation is one of my favorite tactics. Goddamn I am awesome!
Thanks for validating my emotions. The only people who validate my emotions are my friends and my sister when she can. But I’ve never had emotional support. I really need to get a therapist again… I have such a issue finding one
Feelings are never right or wrong they just are ❤
Thank you for finally making a video with a reasonably loud audible component! Earlier videos were really difficult with the soft audio.
Subconsciously, I will admit I am guilty, if Eye rolling or playing on my phone while trying to talk to me. I NEVER realized, that’s what I was doing to her…
Going forward if she wants my attention phones going off and giving her my undecided attention.
I’m watching this but after 20 plus years of being together I’m done. I don’t have the strength or energy to even try anymore. My feelings matter and it’s obvious he doesn’t care. I’m done asking and crying.
I like what you said. My feelings matter, just not to him. I can no longer deal with a man that doesn’t care about me. 26 years of marriage. I’m about to end it. Extremely scary. I feel like I’m free falling off a cliff.
My family is already invalidate my feelings but he also.... I wish, I wish... he let me finish to say some things I really hurt not invalidate my feelings all the time.
If someone makes you feel bad about yourself then they simply don't care . Run away fast
He wants me to apologize for him hurting me... smh. He never apologizes to but I have to to him. Yea, I am tired of the devaluation. It bothers him when I am happy so he starts to insult me so I can get angry, THEN he feels happy. Lol
I only deal with this in this past relationship. I’ve never actually dealt with this before until this person.
When I try to tell my wife anything that bothers me somehow it ends up about how hers is worse and I don’t understand her pain so she doesn’t have to deal with hearing about mine
Hey Mary!
I think that dealing with trust issues in yourself or your partner would be a good video idea.
It’s something that’s been bugging my mind for ages because I’ve never really figured it out.
As always a great and calm informative video Mary!
I have been looking everywhere for this kind of advice. No one else has said this on RUclips or anywhere that I have seen. I really think that this video is an answer to prayer because I was about to give up and getting any help on this issue. It really hurts me when I am crying or having other negative emotions and other people just ignore me. It really does or least used to make me feel worthless. But I have overcome so much trauma agony and stress, that what didn’t kill me make me stronger. I am so proud of what I have overcome in Jesus name that I have confidence in myself. I guess that means that I can validate myself too. But that’s still a lonely place to be. Jesus didn’t create us to be an island. It’s especially hurtful when my husband doesn’t want anything to do with me today. And when I think about my family, they treat me this way too. We have discussed many things and I know it’s getting better. I know why I leave these comments, because I’m looking for validation from a stranger. What’s wrong with that? I know it won’t mean as much as my husband validating me, but I still think a little bit goes a long way. It makes us realize that we aren’t alone. There are billions of people on this planet. Can’t at least one of them (in addition to myself) validate me?
He tells me that my feelings are complaints. When I try to tell him I’m not happy he responds with “complain complain complain that’s all you ever do is just complain”. The pure invalidation of me as a human being is completely devastating. I’ve tried for years to get him to hear me, and he only pulls further away and deeper into himself, I’m finding the strength to end my 26 year marriage as I cannot continue to live with a ghost of a man who provides nothing to the marriage other than pain and misery
I think I am now a narcissist because I’ve dealt with one for so long. Greatttt😑
I'm struggling with this so much right now, but we're engaged to be married later this year :( I'm so low and feel like my fiance is completely incapable of showing me kindness, respect, empathy, or understanding. I'm scared. It's cost so much to book things for our wedding I feel devastated. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he argues and just attacks me, I said if he can't communicate with kindness how can I feel like getting married is a good idea and he just said "fine, I dont care"
Please don't marry only because you paid for the weeding 🙏 it's the most important decision of your life for your mental health - choice of partner
they really don’t care and only think of themselves -
you are with a covert narcissist - Run - get out of this relationship ASAP - walk away
Thank you for this video.
My husband does this all the time every single thing she said and it hurts so bad I just had to stop telling him how I felt.😪
Can I ask you if he was always the same ? I’ve been dating someone for just 3 months and I’m thinking leaving them 😢 I don’t wanna continue feeling this way and I wonder if people can ever change
Have a talk, if hes not wiiling, or doednt validate you. Then yes END it. Dont waste your years!!
The part where you express how you feel when you feel invalidated. Response: ‘oh, just because of THAT. Ok. If I’m so horrible… leave’
Exactly how mine acts!
Maybe you should leave for your own sake you deserve better both of you ❤️❤️
Narc
I’m not allowed to have feelings. I’m delusional for having them he says. I hate my life!
He would say I'm over reacting
Just Subscribed.
Great content and so helpful ❤
This was so helpful! Thank you.
Again thank you so much for this video. This helps me feel better ☺️
Humans experience life through their emotions, it’s how we navigate, connect, and steer away from harm. To expect a person not to feel is turning them into an object.
ME: "we need to discuss things and sort them out" HER: "OK, let's discuss, but I'm not going to change - I'm happy"
Been in NO PROGRESS & NO WAY TO GO path 8 days now
Have discussed a lot
Compromise over compromise
Telling him this m that, begging him to communicate and hold his hands, hug, see thru his eyes, many many times....
I don't even understand
I didn't even angry
I'm telling him that I'm upset that he didn't even recognize the clues of our quality time...
After watching movies and he's just jumped into RUclips video (again)
😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓
4 days after I'm trying to ask n try to get close, but he's totally giving 'doesn't matter' attitude
He's just doing his own stuff
I found this video
Today is my 8th day, sleeping in another room n don't want to meet him
It's always, me, who have to come forward
Start the conversation and slowly guide him join the dots, and explain carefully...
Everything
I'm tired n i'm mixed up now
When you try to go to your friend for validation of your past trauma but he ends up invalidating you and thinks he’s just telling you what you don’t want to hear… 😔
So relatable right now
Mary, if they don't validate your feelings could it be they don't care about the relationship?
It could mean many things…often though it is tied into their own feeling of lack of control of their feelings (how your expression of feelings trigger something within them). Invalidation is often an unconscious attempt to get the discomfort to stop. If someone is avoidant, emotionally unavailable, they often had a childhood where they were never taught validation and don’t know how to validate others.
I wouldn’t assign a “meaning” to others behaviors (like, “they don’t care about the relationship) that’s a huge cause of self created suffering, when we assume, jump to conclusions, about why people do what they do.
It also takes the focus off of us and our empowerment.
To be empowered, one has to know what they want/need, what their boundaries are, how they will implement follow through to boundaries (consistently) and communicate these clearly, respectfully and firmly.
Your job is to heal yourself and advocate for yourself. In that way you will have more clarity, understanding, of yourself and others…and you won’t try to analyze their behavior. You’ll be strong within yourself knowing what you will, and won’t tolerate.
The number one key, is self validation. Often, when we are attracted to those who invalidate…we already invalidate ourselves. It can be things like, ignoring how we feel, dismissing our needs, minimizing our own boundaries (this can be through internal dialogue, habits…much is subconscious). We are attracted to those who will treat us similarly to how we treat ourselves (and we learned to treat ourselves that way from how we were treated in childhood). Once we wake up, heal our core wounds, do subconscious reprogramming, we learn to pay attention and honor ourselves better. We then will attract those who will do that too.
Vulnerability is also a big component…saying “I don’t feel cared for when my feelings are invalidated”. In addition, define what came across as invalidating to you (as SO many people are blind to invalidating others), so they have a clear example to work with. That takes ownership of YOUR feelings and perspective, instead of projecting that onto someone else. It’s scary, yes, but it’s the only way to an authentic, transparent, healthy dynamic.
@@Alphacentauri819 "Often, when we are attracted to those who invalidate…" I think this is spot on. I was invalidated by my parents while growing up and again and again get attached to those who do the same. It's a vicious cycle. It's like I have this desperate need to be validated and those in whom I put my complete trust dismiss my feelings as inappropriate to them, etc.
@@whatsupbudbud I’m so sorry you were invalidated, starting in childhood.
I was too. I too have been “attracted” to those who are invalidating.
Finding out my attachment style (fearful avoidant), my core wounds and how to heal, has been incredibly empowering. It’s a journey for sure, but a huge key is to stop (and redirect, reprogram) our own invalidating internal dialogue. We learn it early, early on and don’t even know it’s going on until we really look deeper. The realization of entrenched patterns, of taking on how our parents treated us, and treating ourselves in similar ways, is eye opening.
I wish for you connection and love (to yourself and others) and peace. May you know your incredible worth in this universe and only allow people and situations that reflect that. 💫💛
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you so much for your kindness, stranger.
Sadly yes
He has for so very long! It is painful yes!
Amazing advice! Thank you so much for sharing this ❤. Hopefully my gf will learn from it so I don’t have to get back on tinder lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣I hope she learnt from it
@@nikkiejonathan7514 lol she didn’t and I broke up with her.
I think I’m ready to run away now
What does it mean when you try to express your feelings to your partner (especially if it's something they've done that's made you upset) and they suggest your mentally ill/ have you taken your medication today or tell you to stop being negative/ stop creating a problem.
Gas lighting
Narc
Gratitude 💕✨
Thank you this helped me he does these things its been so damaging to me
My boyfriend of almost 3 year's I believe is a bit narcissistic. He KNOWS my life story of how I grew up in all FORMS of ABUSE😢😢. Yet he owns his own business, and called me, saying: " You think you have problems, I've had someone steal $10,000 dollars from my business! Some people have REAL problems. It has wounded me, I now distrust him, and need to move back to my own apartment. (Yes, after having everything taken from me, by my ex-EVIL husband of 36 years, my home, my children & grandchildren, I signed off on receiving any of his retirement. He the Ex attempted to kill me, LITERALLY because he learned he had stock in Motorola in 2014, he didn't want to have to share it with me. It's absolute... INSANITY!
BEGGING my husband to talk with me for our family so we can both work on ourselves for our kids... And he blows up, breaks down, shuts down, blows up and so on... ALL day, and blame me for ruining the day
I don't know if I'm guilty of this or not, but my husband radiates anger or resentment, and I try to ask him "what's going on" and get a very aggressive response or annoyance. I feel bad because it sounds like I'm trying to tell him how he feels, but I'm really trying to figure out how he feels so I can calm down and calm the children down.
What is it when they ignored u or say I’m not listening to nothing you are talking about or just give up the silent treatment? Or they think you are something they saw on RUclips and they apply some technique from the video and it makes the situation worse?
You should do a video on unintentional invalidation, because invalidation is subjective. Someone with autism for example could take something as simple as sarcasm the wrong way, and feel invalidated. People don't realise that nobody is perfect, people have flaws, and everyone makes minor mistakes. Invalidation happens in all romantic relationships, and it doesn't mean that the other person done it on purpose, or that you should break up. One regrettable action shouldn't ruin your whole relationship.
I love my wife more than life itself. But considering the medical and mental issues that she endures, she fails to understand my problems. It is very frustrating when she gets extremely angry with me when I share my feelings with her. But, I have a solution. She will never be able to ignore my emotions ever again. I learned about Nitrogen Hypoxia the other day. And before that it was Helium. I toyed with this idea for years; but now I am ready. I can't stand this pain anymore. I want to go home. Thank you Mom, Dad, Daughter and Wife for all of the times you have blown me off. And please disrespect my passing by crying for yourself at my funeral. Goodbye.
Thank you ma'am!
Re "I'm not going to talk to you about this any more." Isn't it possible that this is actually one person setting a healthy boundary? For example, when the "feelings" smuggle in passive-aggressive (or just plain aggressive) messages, gaslighting, etc.?
I'm guilty, I regret it
It seems to me that there might be a range of possbilities from what is invalidating - to what is neither necessarily validating, nor necessarily invalidating - to what is validating. So, for instance, if I am expressing something that I feel or have experienced, then whoever I am expressing that to might (for example) either say or do something dismissive (invalidating), or might say or do something irrelevant - or, at least, unrelated - to what I was expressed (neither necessairly invalidating, nor necessarily validating), or might NOT say or do anything (also neither necessarily validating, nor necessarily invalidating) in reply to what I expressed - or in response to what I expressed, or they might say or do something supportive (validating) in response to what I expressed. If that is so, then - sometimes - what is not any actual invalidation (but is instead simply not a validation), might seem to be an invalidation - even though it isn't that, at all. There is some distinction, perhaps, between a partner simply not paying attention to what it is that you are expressing to them - or that you are attempting to express anything to them, and a partner deliberately ignoring what you are attempting to express, or even deliberately ignoring that you are attempting to express anything at all. Someone who is a compulsive talker, for example, is not necessarily validating (nor is necessarily invalidating) what the other person is expressing - or is attempting to express.
Thank you. I left the room while my partner was playing a video game (and he was talking but I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or someone in the game). I needed to rinse my cup and wandered out of the room. I would not usually do that while someone is speaking to me. Anyways, he then got upset and told me how I am a “disrespectful” person for doing that. I felt guilty but I did stand up for myself to say I really didn’t mean to be that way. He was adamant that my behavior was unacceptable. What would be a healthy reaction to that?
Say you're sorry for hurting his/her feelings. That's all there is really to validate their feelings.
@@whatsupbudbudthat’s a nice point. My partner is the type that would immediately apologize to me too (if I apologize and acknowledge my fault first - even if it was unintentional). Thank you, I did not think of it that way🙏
Ask him to put away his video game. Are you from the US? In the US we use eye contact. If he is going to talk to you, then he needs to look you in the eyes so you know he speaking to you. If he is not looking at you and you don’t know if he talking to you, then that’s a problem. At the very least he could have asked you if you heard what he said and repeated himself. Did he even use your name? That’s another indication that someone is talking to you. He cannot blame you for being rude if he is being rude too.
@@annaburns2865 Anna, no I am not from US. He did not make eye contact nor call my name. Unfortunately he has a habit to yell across the house and expect me to listen. I am working on being assertive and letting him know he should refrain from that.
@@Bluesnakes333 ok. I am not sure if I understand the situation completely. My mother in law (May she Rest In Peace) used to yell a lot too. I hated whenever she yelled at me or her caregivers because we were always nearby even if we were in the next room and sometimes it felt like was right in my ear, I think it’s because my husband usually wore ear buds all the time. When we first got married it was very hard for me to get his attention. I didn’t have it in me to yell at him as hard as she did and I didn’t want to either. I would repeat his name and try to yell until I was blue in the face. But I couldn’t be as gruff as his mom. Which is what he was used to. It was extremely frustrating for me at the time, but after two years of marriage I think we finally found a system that works. He usually just puts one ear bud in so the other ear bud is free to hear what I am saying. If your partner is yelling at you I would go into another room. If the weather is nice enough maybe go outside even for 5 minutes. Especially if you have neighbors he will be less likely to yell with them around. If you are in physical danger, you can always call 911 or your local police department. But hopefully, it will just be a communication issue which you can both work on. These RUclips videos have helped my husband and I out a lot. 🙂
Thank you 🙏🏾 very informing.
Thank YOU!
Ive been trying to write how i feel on this comment section, but ended up erasing it, its so hard for me, shes been traumatizing me.
Thank you
My partner and his mother blame all that on their autism. I think some autistic people use their autism as a free pass and are very manipulative. I have seen some abusive behaviours from my autistic partner recent weeks and I don't want to tolerate more, after almost 10 months mostly loving and good relationship.
I’m honestly struggling to not do this. I’m in a relationship with a female who has borderline personality disorder and her constant yo yoing between emotions over little things is frustrating. She cheated on me a month ago and now constantly says I’m going to do the same, I’m nearly at my wits end with her and her near constant dramatics.
I don't want to sound brash or insensitive but I think that she took it too far and you need to focus on yourself. You don't deserve to stay with someone who's going to gaslight you
You should leave this relationship. I have been in a relationship with a borderline which turned into physical abuse and he eventually committed suicide so I really struggled for a decade after. I'm not saying they are the same people but it is a dangerous position you are in. Likely.
She cheated, that's enough reason to leave her
What do you do when you don't feel the same way?
Feelings are definitely right or wrong. Emotional invalidation is one of my favorite tactics. Goddamn I am awesome!
I feel like I'm the only one trying to make the marriage work . I gave everything even financially I spend all my money for our Family so he doesn't need to worry about money that much. Still no love and res for me.
Thats how I feel. I just got a master's degree and yet, i must have some karmic bullshit that keeps popping up. Thanks for this message.
He turns his back to me and leaves the room…
I am not interested in a relationshio that holds this dynamic. Dont feel safe giving muy body yo a man that cant take of my heart. Nope, thank you.
He just says there's no proof
I guess we men never get it right. If we don’t talk it’s because we are withholding. If we do we’re called gaslighters, narcissist etc. relationships are stressful to us too and nobody really cares about us men
Feelings. People have become such weak sheep. Get over yourselves and toughen up. The world is a tough place. Sticks and stones. No one should need validation for their feelings from someone else.
Needed this, thank you for sharing this video ❤🥲
I hate that I can’t really relate to anyone here in the comments because I (the woman) invalidate my boyfriend
It’s great that you now are aware about this and it’s now an opportunity to grow and improve now you are conscious of your actions.
Try speaking to him and ask him how he feels or bring up things he has wanted to talk about that you have shut down prior.
Tell him what you have learnt and apologize and just listen and understand
This will go along way