I grew up in a home that was full of invalidating behaviors. It’s only now I can look at myself and accept that I don’t need anyone’s validation; I’m valid to myself for myself.
I try very hard not to invalidate people or their beliefs. I am a curious person who likes to dig deeper. That can make people feel that I am looking to invalidate them, but that is not my intention. I am looking to understand the nuances of different perspectives in life. I never see things as black or white.
I think the term the shrinks use often enough now is 'inner critic'. I never pulled my sister's pig tails, but the way I'd get treated by her was the height of all shame. I rarely ever viewed anyone else to really be like her. But then I've met alot of shameful people that work tirelessly to keep it almost concealed. They should make some radical acceptance and model a bit more honesty for better change in their own lives. Like learning how to perhaps compliment others without invalidation..like exercise constructive cooperation skills but they do themselves generally think they are too clever to take any advice and fight to take the lead over almost anything. So I stopped bothering to concern myself too much to them after a while. We all deserve a bit of timeout ✌🙏
@@carefulcarpenter Sometimes I think make war with those who ask for war and then settle on an agreement. Sometimes it's a one man stand among all the useless invalidators. No agreement will be established or ever met if ever partaken. So then what's the point of waring..? 🙏
@@bertzerker747 I began writing creative and wise thoughts on messageboards back in 2000. I was mostly ignored, but seemed to catch the attention of those who like to beat up on the intuitive types who express themselves publically. It was not the bullies who I fretted about---- it was those who stood by silently and said nothing on my behalf. This is the true definition of "evil" --- taking no positive action in the face of injustice. "Sometimes Bullies Wear Red Dresses" cc. 2000
My older bro would be made fun of (as did I) at the drop of a hat, he retaliated back by picking on me and it's all water under the bridge now but somehow you still feel like you can't completely let your guard down.
* Complexity baffles them * They are psychologically lazy * They are displacing their inner tensions on you (there can be only one!!) " They are stuck in an immature, adolescent mentality
As the youngest and the only girl I was always “too little.” When I grew up I married into a family in which I never felt like one of them. When I made attempts to participate in the conversations there was no response except brief blank stares as if the flow of conversation had been interrupted by an irritating noise. Then they would continue talking to each other as if nothing had happened. My husband treated me much the same for 30 years. We were never friends. Imagine the way I must have felt at the age of 70 when I began having a friendship with a man who actually enjoyed conversations with me. I fell in love in a profound way that I could never have imagined feeling. He is gone now and I miss him, but will be eternally grateful that God allowed me to know such a good, decent man.
So profoundly happy for you to have know this real fulfillment! Keep that close to you..., I am also the youngest, and a girl. There have been times that it appeared that the others just dismissed me and my input. I've watched the messes that they've gotten into, and thought "Wow, that was avoidable, but you wouldn't give me the time of day..." I learned a long time ago to choose my 'family' among trusted friends, who can recognize the insight and clear headedness that I possess.
Narcs and their delusions causes them to become very entitled to treating you with disrespect. As they illegally watch you and force themselves into your life they'll really believe you belong to them. And wont even be good to you
I'm also the youngest and the only girl in our family. They are not good listeners. I've been called names for wanting to get help knowing and admitting that there is something wrong with me. As a kid, I saw our house and anywhere with them as a training ground where I have to follow their orders or else I'm shit. I grew up hearing insults and invalidation. I want to meet someone who can understand me or at least try to listen. I'm almost done. I'm glad you found a person like that.
@Millicient Aspinet Yah, it "should" but narcissists are resistant to reality, plus they're not listening. STILL, it's a great idea to just simply stick to being the authority on oneself - just as Bee Still said. Amen
I understand! Attempts to share points of view, cooperate, create a safe place for those absent vs make them the target of ridicule has not gone well. I’m the scapegoat/ black sheep! Prefer not fitting in than communicating in their pattern. Movies & other shared public events help & not sharing anything personal! TY Dr. LC!
@@pd8827 Great ideas. It took me a long time to learn that my journey is my own. I can have fantastic relationships without them knowing my full history. It's about now, who and what I choose to do. Thanks for your comment.
Sometimes it seems there'd be no one left if I took that stance completely. Have had to do a bunch of it, though. You start to realize the full extent of a person's toxicity once you step back. Had to kick myself.
And they're not going to listen to the whole story, they catch a few words and launch on their sneering response. You can watch it unfold. You can predict it. You can see their gears working on twisting your words as you speak.
My feelings, my thoughts, my suggestions were invalidated constantly. When I finally understood what I was dealing with I walked away. My final words were if you think Its ok to disrespect me then there is no relationship.
@Teresa - a friend once said this to me: if you wouldn't accept this behavior from a "friend" than why on Earth would you accept it from your own family/ siblings, etc??? She had a valid point.
I like that "...if you think it's okay to disrespect me then..." RIGHT-O. There IS a problem when they think it's okay to disrespect us. It's difficult to teach them that is is NOT okay. Consequences, etc. etc. - all an energy-draining misadventure. Sigh
@@painteroflove - I'm nice to everyone, grocery store, siblings, clients, etc. I am the youngest & grew up adoring my sibs. Only much later in life came to understand most of them were various types of Narcs. It was devastating.
Sounds just like a narcissist. They don’t want you to make sense. They damn well KNOW you make sense, but they don’t want to hear it. They ALSO need you to doubt yourself in the hopes that you will quit trying to make sense ever after.
@@chriswyma145 Sometimes he would break down what I was saying and repeat it. Not sure if he's a narc or ocpd. He gets hung up on the tiniest details. Then gets flustered and not much follow through....
@@sunnydaye5942 That may be a bit different. It sounds like he has a hard time comprehending what he hears maybe? Did you notice if he did that with others at all? I know I am bad in social settings. I try to have what I think is a conversation, but, after being so isolated, I'd get excited about being with others and want to just talk. It does not go over well. I could never understand why one person's story was so funny or engaging, yet I'd say something and... crickets.... I began to realize I was not like everyone else, but I didn't know what to do to change. So frustrating. I felt invisible or stupid and not much in between.
In other words, they are just setting you up, right? They love getting the reaction out of you so they can say, "See! You are the one unstable!" If you can pick up those clues, you can learn to walk away and not be drawn into their belittling attacks. Good strategy. ⚘
So true, I was in a relationship for two years of my too short life and he'd ghost me for months on end blame me for feeling lonely coz I wasn't trying hard enough at reaching out and creating the situation and not caring what he was going through and on and on and on. Wed known each other from childhood and he'd used that against me coz "we had history" that I'd be stupid and selfish and callous if I ended things. It took him almost a decade to admit we could date and five stupid years to get engaged; and then one day things just clicked and I realized he'd only moved to the next step when I was starting to look elsewhere and blame me for being flighty and finecky and not having trust in him and not saying what I needed and on and on and on. When he next ghosted me I didn't reach out and moved in, he called me after *nine months* and started that stupid nonsense blaming me for not reaching out even though we lived in the same town and ran in the same circle that I was the one trying to ruin our history and therefore future. When I didn't buy it he turned to telling me how hard he'd had it and a the bad things I'd done. When I didn't buy that he got his family involved and they harassed me and my family for months blaming me for how things had been for almost twenty years and baking me for ending the best two years of my life (they weren't) and eventually disappeared. Thank goodness he's gone, people will trap you with "history" and you should watch out.
@@availanila Exactly. It was my fault I didn't reach out. But when I did, he would use the information against me and humiliate me in the presence of others. Finally, I just closed down and moved on.
My brother did this so perfectly this weekend in front of my mother..He tried and tried in an indirect manner…I finally just walked out of the room for awhile..I guess I didn’t stay gone long enough to get me in line..Came back and just tried to ignore him but still had that “whatever” in me so he attacked directly..I bit back all in front of my mother..Of course it was all my fault because he is the golden child..I have to learn to physically LEAVE when he is around..
"psychologically lazy people" well that explains why my parents spent their time making fun of people who chose to study psychology, in order to discourage me to do so...
Very helpful to hear him say that these invalidators are “black & white thinkers” who don’t like complexity or complex ideas. That explains a lot because I am a super complex and creative thinker who comes up with innovative solutions. Also, helpful to know these people are often stuck in middle school when it comes to social skills. I always felt a bit guilty for thinking “how immature!”...after they basically call me an idiot.
Funny you used that phrase, “black and white thinkers”, my x and I literally had an argument about how he actually perceived things as black and white, he argued everything was black and white, me, no things are much more complicated than that. You are Spot On with that statement. I had forgotten that.
I've know so many people over my lifetime, who were brilliant, who excelled in so many ways, but because they had been invalidated, over and over again, it drained them of any wish to make a better life for themselves. It came out as anger, or selfishness, or some other bizarre characteristic that disabled them. Sad.
Mine came out as extreme neediness and emotional outbursts because I never got the support I needed in my formative years that made me secure in my attachments and my identity. It's getting better in therapy, but it takes time to undo that. I use self-validation techniques and remind myself that other people do not get more of a say on my experiences and who I am than I do.
My narcissistic ex friend always wants to "talk", insisting I come to her whenever I have an issue. She will insist healthy friends talk things out. The reality, however, is that her talk isn't a discussion, it is just her completely invalidating me and basically giving me the "my way or the highway" presentation. That's why she's an ex-friend.
My earliest memories were of being screamed at by both of my parents for having an opinion of the color of a rug and other minor things. They were so bad that I learned to shut up and freeze at an early age with occasional outbursts of anger and chronic depression and anxiety. I’m learning to feel okay about expressing myself at the ripe old age of 62. It’s an amazing and freeing feeling and I plan on staying this way.
Me four - age 72. Just figured all out over the past 10 years. Wasted a lot of years before I woke up. Am enjoying peace & quiet, am no contact now with narc abusive sister & brother, and nieces.
And me. Dr C is right they don't have emotional maturity of empathy and always think they're right. At 64 years of age with a history of thi kind of abuse it's difficult to deal with.all over again. I get angry and anxious and depressed because it brings up every bad negative emotion I had during my childhood when I was treated like I was nothing.
Yesterday I interacted with a cousin who invalidates all the time. I told her something I knew to be true based on documented evidence and she responded, that’s your opinion. I said no it’s the truth. She said it’s your truth. I wasn’t going to let her get away with making me feel awful so I said it’s not my truth, it’s the truth. I still felt bad because there are so few of us left, I’m 73, after all these years she still believes she is better than me and I must remain inferior.
I’m validating that I was invalidated numerous times, probably before we were even married , but didn’t understand that that was what was happening to me. Pretty much all of our marriage.
Yup & say anything in your own defense and your narc feels doubly right/justified putting up your never too far away just in their easy reach crazy flag, huh, wonder how that happened, we felt normal not too long ago!
Invalidation can strangely seep from family to school to the workforce. Almost like clockwork. It takes a calm self image to navigate through each phase per se and recognize the almost predictable immaturity of others. This isn't stubbornness or arrogance if the criticisms are invalid. It's knowing who you are. Better to have few quality friends who respect you than a back breaking quiverful of fake-friendly people hissing behind your back.
My sister is such a bully Narc & she has cultivated some sibs to be her flying 🐒. She even tries to "tell me" what my own memories are! 🤯🤣 How crazy is that?
This reminds me of the day (after 13years) I kept my power rather than being baited into yelling to be heard: He was doing the usual criticism, and I stood there calmly and said I didn’t agree and what he said was false. That made him mad. He screamed something at me, I don’t remember what, and it felt like he pulled his mother’s skin over me and was reacting to that. I still calmly kept my power. He stormed off, acting like a five year old. A week later after another one of these scenes, I kicked him out. I was done. It was very scary to be alone after losing all my power in the outside world, but the amazing thing was, I met new people who took my words seriously, called me talented, and gave me realistic feedback. I was on my way back to health! The scars are there but rarely bother me. 😍
Stu in England here. Saying thank you again (a thousand times) to Dr C and others that have posted comments. Nearly 11 months into being free from a very destructive narcissistic girlfriend, and only discovered these vids a month or so ago and it's really helping me to complete this journey. I knew something in my thinking was missing, and Dr. C (and Lisa Romano) gave me the answer... Understanding, knowledge, acceptance, re discovering me, focusing on my own qualities and ability to have and maintain healthy relationships with others... Thank you all so much. Had a solo weekend away on motorcycle last weekend... Felt fantastic and depended on no o e but me. Couldn't have done that before. Anyone on the healing journey... Hang in there... These vids will help you and its SOOO worth it. Thank you everyone
@@jj80919 hi JJ thank you for your reply. It's weirdly very helpful when you see a reply from someone; something about realising your not on your own I think. Yes I do listen to Dr Ramani too. Very very good. What I find deeply shocking about Dr. Carter, Dr. Ramani and Lisa Ramano is just how ACCURATELY they describe my own experiences. I'm a guy in England, thousands of miles from them, yet they describe the exact words, actions, insults, damage, abuse, physical stuff, lies, etc etc that has been used against me for 4 years. I thought my ex girlfriend was uniquely difficult, and the shock for me is realising thru these vids that there are many others who've had very similar experiences. Lisa Ramano is, I think, especially good at helping and describing things for guys as well as girls. All 3 are amazing. I've had 11 months to heal now(there's still holes in walls and doors and the kitchen counter from my ex's rages, but the holes in my life are so much better now... I'm in what Lisa calls the "maintaining" phase. So thank you JJ. Your reply takes me 1 more step on the journey, a few steps in fact. Kindness back to you JJ. I hope your journey is successful too. Stu in England
@@dewuknowofHyMn yes you can... If you take action and actually do the things these vids talk about and do the THINKING and the LOOKING AT YOURSELF and the REDISCOVERING that you ARE ok and good and not a piece of sh**, as these vids say... That you are ENOUGH. If you do some of these things every day, you'll get the strength to tell whoever's been treating you badly where they can go. Power, strength and KINDNESS back to you 12blvnhm 4me from Stu in England
Hi Stu! Congratulations on breaking free & reclaiming yourself. I too was 🤯 when I 1st started listening to all the ppl./ Drs. you mentioned. At 1st I felt so stupid. Then, I was angry to come to understand Narcs do these awful things ON PURPOSE. Then, like you - was again 🤯 to learn from comments - that Narcs are SO similar & emply the same "bag of tricks" i.e., Rage, Silent Treatment, Gaslighting, Smear Campaign, Selective Amnesia, etc. To learn that your entire relationship was just smoke & mirrors 🪞 & that they'll NEVER, EVER change was eye opening. I will always be so grateful to Drs. Carter & Ramani, and a few others - and also to the wise & warm community here. Stay strong... and stay on guard so this doesn't happen again!
A former friend who invalidated my trauma told me “my opinion is valueless.” but all I can say is that, of course it is but I don’t think I’d want to be friends with someone who has an opinion that invalidates me and my psychological trauma.
jokes don't hurt & are never at another's expense. I'd say I can take a joke when no one is put down, discredited. I know when a joke is a healthy joke. therefore I stop speaking from then on.
"Fair game" struck a chord with me. Yah, where does this "ownership attitude" come from? Perhaps she sees you and all "yours" as an extension of herself? "Boundaries" is a good topic - right!
He runs the ice maker or the garbage disposal while I’m speaking. I tell him it’s rude. Later, he runs the faucet while I’m speaking. I tell him it hurts that he’s not listening. He blames me for not speaking up. For not getting to the point of the story faster. For talking to him while he’s trying to get ready for bed. So it’s all my fault that he’s dismissive? It was eerie how this hits home for me. He is every one of these things. And every time I tell him how I feel, he acts like I’m just overly sensitive and critical. Deflecting, getting defensive, and turning it around on me is the standard. His mind is made up in his head. He won’t listen. Where does one go from there?
OH BOY!!! That one "gets me" - the ol' "I'll just get up and walk-away and do stuff while YOU are trying to communicate with me." Grrrr! Right or wrong, the only thing I know to do is to STOP talking and stop communicating and do something else instead. You drop/ignore me? I'm dropping/ignoring the conversation too. If he then says "What?!" or abreacts to your walking away, just keep walking. You can always talk later? Maybe this is bad advice. I'd be interested to hear what people think. It's all I know to do. To keep trying to communicate while the other party is running the garbage disposal? Hello? Is there a metaphor there? Like what you're saying is just "garbage" that he's "disposing" of? No, I couldn't keep talking after that. I'd grab my phone and call a friend ASAP. Mid-sentence. When he turns off the disposal I'm already talking to gal-pal Sally about her new curtains. I'd probably FAKE IT if I had to, lol. Garbage disposal... you got me going with that one!
@@painteroflove I’ve done plenty of walking away but it has no impact. Almost like it’s a relief to him that he doesn’t have to listen. Emotionally lazy and stunted in adolescence for sure. But your advice about Sally and her curtains made me 😂 Thanks for the giggle
They tie you in knots. it's as if they're just playing a game with you. Iv'e said it over and over again, it's just a matter of avoiding them if you can. Anyway it's a bit like watching the news they're just oppositional to whatever is going on at the time. As we would say in Yorkshire England, any road for an argument.
Hi Dennis Nowland. Interesting comments. I agree they act as if they are playing a game and one of the many rage insults, shouts, comments I got thrown at me was "SO YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES DO YOU? I'LL SHOW YOU FU****G GAMES" This was hurled at me so viciously for me doing and saying completely normal, living, caring things
Big house-building project. I am the creative one and give ideas, draw sketches. No discussion back. Then he just does what he wants. Invalidation over and over. I felt like a tenant and said, Do what you want, I don't even want to know - whatever. He is not mean, he is disengaged, dismissive by default. He is insular and clueless when it comes to validation, and how to share ideas. I cannot afford to care or invest my emotions in this project. Giving up. This is bad for both of us. So, tell me when it is over.
The man of God called Job comes to mind, he lost everything but he would not let go or turn against his father in heaven, Job had everything restored to him. People can and invalidate you and do but God does not cling to him, Amen
After a smear campaign launched against me by by narc brother, sister and their flying monkeys, I was discussing my feelings of anger and sadness with my mom and she said, “I’m worried about you?” I told her, “don’t be worried about me, worry about your other three children who are hell bent on destroying me, something is seriously wrong with them.” Yep, I’m on to them!
Worried about you for refusing to be abused? So many people don't see how these patterns work. Your mother may eventually get it. Mine did. Right before she died, she said to me, "Your sister doesn't have the inner depth that you do. I think you might have to just keep your distance. Don't let her dominate and bully you. It's clear to me now, when it wasn't before, that she has a lot of jealousy towards you. Also, you're the prettier one." Thanks, Mom!
My 90 yr old mother worries about me claiming I recall a life that never existed even as I am abused still by my siblings and their kids and moms flying monkeys. I also kept journals as a kid of the abuse, still have them. So I know my experience was real.
The strategy is to let them believe what they want and disappear from the situation. You cannot have a 50/50 friendship with them. Until you submit to their framework, you will be putting up with their insults and controlling/trivializing putdowns.
As a remorseful serial invalidator, I found this perspective so helpful; I recognise the black/white thinking, and the origins in family/work. Learning how to respond to assertiveness and cede control I’m working on - resolve is not a problem but tackling long-held habits is. Your videos are valuable and comforting.
The only thing that has worked for me is to stay silent, walk away and completely ignore what they say or do. Be fearless because in front of you they will try to look superior in every way possible. This one can't stand that I don't let them into my space anymore. It's killing them.
2:11 - You....ain't....kidding!!!! Won't even let me get a word in edgewise. Just interrupts me and talks over me and if I continue, I get a "stop talking!!!! stop talking!!!!" from them.
I absolutely agree. We really appreciate your mini lectures Dr. Carter. Knowledge is perhaps the best medicine against the poison of narcissists or other toxic people. With knowledge we heal and can also protect ourselves against future attacks.
I think the part where the other person interrupts whenever I try to speak on an important topic fits me.Talkson how we can get along and though it may seem like I try to control my husband all I want is to have him listen.He acts like if he does he's going to die or something!!
I've always felt like I've been treated like a second class member of the family by my 3 oldest siblings . They treat me in a manner they wouldn't treat eachother . One of the ways they invalidate me is when they claim I'm ungrateful even though I've always told them thank you when they did something for me. It's as if my words are falling on deaf ears or they value so little the things I say that they forget them quickly
It helps to take at least 1 yr. of Latin in H.S., even though it's a dead language. It will help you for the rest of your life to figure out words that you don't know. Between that & context you can decipher almost any word. I still remember 1st day: Agriculae, Agricolus, Agricularum.... or something like that! 😁
I was trained/raised to believe that my feelings/thoughts were always wrong and do not matter. Knowing what I do now, I am able to see through invalidation and move on. This video was very helpful in giving me more insight and understanding. Thank you.
I see the two-faced liar narc(Dad); his schemes. I won't stoop to his level. That is how I live with myself in honestly. I won't lie to others about him.
Father, sister, bosses, ex husband! Whew! I am finally learning what the red flags are and control my reactions to them. Left my invalidating, gaslighting, controlling, black & white thinking, covert narcissistic husband a few months ago. Tomorrow would've been our 34th wedding anniversary. Now it just D day again
My mother snapped at me as we were walking out of the house. I told her in text message that I wanted a reason for why she did it. She said we could talk when I got off work. I get home and both of my parents went to bed uncharacteristically early, and she didn't say anything to me that night. The next morning I sit down to talk with her, and she's "too busy" to talk, yet when I'm leaving for work (not even an hour later) she's just lounging on the couch on her phone. She said she, "doesn't have time to bicker about whether feelings were hurt." and claimed that I want her to talk to me like I'm a child. When all I asked was for her to not snap at me as we're leaving the house, out of nowhere.
It’s hard for me to be as uncaring and indifferent as they are when I’m dealing with them. It’s not in my nature and it makes me feel bleh to do it, but I see now that I must if I am to survive this.
I agree with you! It's my nature to be kind and friendly, to everyone.. But now I realize how the narc baits, and I dont take their "bait" Narcs love empathetic highly sensitive people..I am very aware of Narcissists, everywhere I go, they expose theirselves constantly!! Awareness in not taking their "bait" is essential!
Well, Paradise, you don't have to be "uncaring" about their unfortunate state. If a vicious dog is barking at you, you can still have genuine concern for the dog and hope the best for him, ya just don't want to try to pet him or bark back.
Wow, this is great advice, I noticed those who consistently invalidate are poor listeners, narrow minded and lack self awareness. It is really sad, but frustrating to deal with. I would recommend limiting time and conversations with them, but some times you can't.. I learned to just agree to disagree or even say, thank you for sharing your opinion/perspective and leave it at that.
They will start an argument with you in front of others. If you say ANYTHING they will escalate and everyone in the room will be uncomfortable and perceive that YOU are bickering EQUALLY with the narcissist. The only defense is to say nothing and back out of the room. But they have spoiled your conversation with the others and given them a bad association with you.
100% spot on. They get in first and, even though they started it, you are the one left defending yourself. They think they have won and that's how it feels, but they are always remain unhappy, resentful, and angry, however much they darken your name to others. They can NEVER satisfy their lack of satisfaction with life. That's no way to live a life, so more fool them.
They have no issue trash talking you and the people they SHOULD care about the most, in front of others, including people they randomly run into out in public. No basic understanding of concepts such as boundaries, or waiting until you're alone to have that discussion. Or, my personal favorite, when you leave the room for a minute then come back to find them trash talking you and trying to turn the people you care about against you. I've lost count of how many people they've turned against me with lies, gossip, slander and gaslighting.
¹⁰sept: laura: right there č you. Mine kept instigating whenever our children were in the home. He'd start in on me for some minor BS, raise his voice, then yelled. Our kids would come investigate 🔎 sit in front roll seats to 'the show' and since i used to not react or reacted inappropriate they would not only take his side but chime in. Put a stop to that s***. I had to start Standing Up for myself, never defended myself (not necessary). He went as far as video 📹 taping me when i was raising my voice (to be heard), turning what he called me or said about me back on him....AND used this recording against me as evidence, once i finally got the courage to call 911. Made me out to be having a 'mental episode'
I remind myself about this every time when I meet them. I stop giving then the narcissistic supply they want from me. I must become ”nasty, terribly selfish” and not to care that they say so. When I am unhappy and feel bad, then it is not selfish: Then I am just crazy, an idiot, fool etc. So, whatever, I am always something bad, not enogh of something, whatever I do or whatever do not do. Never enogh of that something that they want.
Has anyone here experienced another adult REPEATEDLY ASKING for your advice and opinion, only to IMMEDIATLY invalidate it every single time you answer?! I now just completly ignore the question or change the subject mid sentence while the question is being asked, which often results in bewilderment or anger on the other adults part. But I dont care anymore.
Wow!! And you just keep on giving in a TOTALLY appropriate manner..My dad died in April and it has been pure he.. It is soooooo hard to look at yourself and see that all your life choices have been made on seeking validation from others/that your two marriages were based on love bombing that of course went away/ that really right now there is NO ONE who would stand with you/stand up for you..All you have is yourself and nothing you have given matters…Buttt on the lighter side…I will learn this lesson and I will grow..I can change no one but me..Soo thanks .. OUCH..THANKS🤣
I had to realize that my birth family will never provide me the support and warmth they give each other and I will always be the black sheep. I accepted that they don't care about me as much as I care for them and I need to step back and go very low contact. It hurts so much and I feel like I am grieving but I can't heal if they are part of my life.
I tried proving myself for years but I didn't know that they were just enjoying the constant rejection they would give me - enjoyed it ! I got bleeding ulcers, anxiety just general health decline that went on till they died.
My narcissistic relative WON'T discuss anything. I just get the silent wall, told "I know I can't change you," but they can't tell me what I have done wrong. It's all just about invalidating me and making me feel so stupid and so inherently disgusting that she has "nothing to say". The closest I"ve gotten from her is "I don't know why I'm so conflicted." She finally entered therapy over two years ago, but I"ve seen no effort to mend fences with me by beginning to make any sort of effort. It's all still just TOTAL CONTROL, which at this point, means intense silent treatment.
I grew up invalidated by my mother.Then I married into a family that was like that.I can be talking and they pretend I'm not talking and will interrupt me.I found out one family member was talking about me behind my back calling me crazy.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, from your eternal sister in Christ somewhere near Seattle. That person is my 82-year old mother. Dad and I joke about the old Willy Nelson song: I'm so wrong again. Just can't wait to be oh, So wrong again. Life with mom is not like making music w my friends. Just can't wait to be Oh, so wrong again. How dad put up w her for just over 50 years is beyond me, and my 4 sibs. No wonder why we and so many others stay away. She has become a bitter, old woman. TY, Doctor. I will forward your channel to as many people as I can. Including my 4 sibs, my Insurance Broker, my mechanic who runs a 16-bay shop, etc. Hoping to help grow your channel. Much love, gratitude and respect from somewhere near Seattle. ⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
Make a mental note of the person who invalidated you. We talk they blameshift. Don't get upset. If they have done something 54 times why get upset the 55th time. Radical acceptance of who these people are. Very low frustration tolerance , very poor judgment. Save your energy don't argue that is what they want. That's what they want. So keep your mouth shut and realize you will be met with dismissive behavior. Get up and excuse yourself go do something else. Find someone who has object constancy who can appreciate your ideas. Their internal world is extremely negative and they see the world as persecutory. They believe their needs may never be met so they fight to have their needs 1st. As for your needs they aren't concerned unless it aligns with their needs.
I can’t tell you how much your talks have helped me the last few weeks - processing why an ex partner should remain an ex partner. Thank you thank you thank you 🙏
When I was young I witnessed a couple who broke-up and then went-back together time and time again. Once I asked her if she was broken-up with her husband and she said she "didn't know." I thought that was like TORTURE. That's ONE time that I learned from someone else's woes. I never broke-up lightly and I never looked-back after a goodbye. Right or wrong, good or bad, at least I knew my status.
Hi Tanya I agree... And you can stick to keeping them an ex if you remind yourself every day you are a decent person and you never deserved whatever bad treatment you got. Ki dness back to you Tanya from Stu in England
Can I just tell a wild story. Before even subscribing to this channel in 2020 I bought a book called the anger trap. Little did I know Dr Les was the author. I only opened and read the book after going to therapy and it not helping to make sense of the anger I felt from having a narcissist mother and my father abandoning me before I was even born. This was around 2022. Only then did i realise that ive been subscribed and watched his channel. All I can say is this book has help me makes sense the rage I felt and help me process these uncomfortable feelings because that’s not something i was taught. My therapist noted I swallow my anger with food = binge eating. Mainly because I couldn’t place my anger anywhere else. I do have moments where I overeat but not like I used to. This book changed my life!
' At the very least, there's one person in the equation that's going in the right direction', ' be the healthy alternative' and 'in those moments that's when your healthiness has the best chance too show up ' are phrases I will try to remind my self of when dealing with the invalidating person in my life.
My brother, changed my folks will, both parents gone now, he took everything !!! My other 2 siblings and I GOT NOTHING, including the house.. What Dr. C talked about is only part of my brother..hmmmmm.. Maybe he's the milkmans ? My other siblings and I would never act/steal/invalidate anyone ....especially family...like he has done.. Yep, yep, yep, Dr. C talked about that person who calls himself my brother...🙃
I REALISED AFTER WATCHING DR LES' STREAMS I HAVE BEEN APOLOGISING TO ALL THESE CONTROLLERS IN MY LIFE FOR THEIR WRONGS, NO MORE APOLOGISING I'VE GOT TO CONFRONT AND STOP APOLOGISING, PEOPLE PLEASING! GOSH THIS IS LIFE CHANGING!
Thoughout my childhood I was invalidated and the older I got the more prevalent it became. When I started thinking for myself and developing my own thoughts and feelings and being an individual and not merely a reflection of my parents it became more prevalent. Also, my mistakes are constantly being brought up yet, Im expected to enthusiastically change myself after all my mistakes are being pulled out and with all the emotional invalidation. Also keep being told by everybody including my sister that everything in my life is happening solely because of my own choices and actions when that's not always the case and I have nothing to be angry about, they refuse to see how they contribute to the problem. They seem to constantly tell me that I'm always wrong even when what I'm feeling is normal. I constantly have to defend myself for nornal things. Sometimes I'm called stupid or dumb just for having a different logic pattern sometimes I'm tolf its a good idea but most of the time its not so. I started a new job almost year ago and I was struggling a little at the job when I tell them about it they give me advice, but its later used against me. I keep being bugged about the job. They found out that I also have ADHD, but constantly put neurotypical standards onto me with not much listening, understanding or accommodations. And they use God for everything as a cover all which sometimes prevent reals conversations. Its not that I dont believe in God and Jesus, but I keep being gaslight and invalidated using religion, which almost makes me want nothing to do with it sometimes. The thing of it is the confusing part is that my parents mean well and deep down I know that but they way they do things can be toxic and unbearable at times. At this point In my life Im 26 and just as the man in the video said, I'm actually am entering a stage in my life where I'm like F everything! I'm starting to actually become low key rebellious, angry and, antisocial at a time I should be making friends. Im walking around with a slow but burning anger I can feel it in my chest sometimes. I don't like being told what to do and also have an aversion to following and meeting people's expectations especially at the job. My job is very meticulous which is a cesspool of criticism mistake correction, which angers me even more. I want to be independent but then sometimes I self destruct when I'm to myself amd people alway have to intervene(alot of it is because of my ADHD)This video really helped me and it was SPOT ON.
"Emotional storms" which we have experienced teach us the following: it is less important how much bad experience we have or had in our life, but it is more important how/way we have experienced them. After these "storms" we can be invalidated in many ways and feel emotionally broken down. But, don't forget every "emotional storm" is always sign or message sent to us with an aim how to improve something inside us. The road made of: rebuild healthy self-love, self-esteem and self-confidence leads to healing. Dr. Carter, thanks. Looking forward to Your advices!
This precisely describes painful memories that I've been working to heal. Memories of experiences that make me physically ill. I didn't understand at all the personal attacks that eventually cost me a career. This preso in a nutshell is deeply helpful. Thank you.
I can normally have normal conversations but when I get “triggered “ I revert back to childhood and checkout. I don’t need to feel smart or anything like that. I just don’t want to be blown over. I am a problem solver at heart so I ask questions.
Dr. Carter you're a gift to the world! Wonder if you know that you're helping people from all over the world. I appreciate so much everything that you do. Greetings from South Brazil
Absolutely. I have only recently recognized that i have a lifetime of getting myself into relationships with this type of person/ involvement in organizations lead by these type of "invalidating" people. So I'm in the process of leaving my second church in 3 years because at this point I don't have the energy/ skills to deal with another pastor/ minister that is messing with my mental health.
Yes, when I state my true thoughts, the amount of times I have heard the response ''I'm shocked'' or ''well that was unexpected'' or ''I'm surprised you say that''. And I'm thinking, why are you so surprised??, what I'm saying is a perfectly reasonable thing for me to say. It's usually at that point, however that they seem to know they are loosing a grip on me, so I use their statement of ''I'm shocked'' as confirmation for myself that I'm on the right path away from the toxicity.
My X and his mom were hugely invalidating but they Loved that I was the opposite. I still wonder what was wrong with me that I allowed that in my life? I grew up being seen, heard and valued. My family loved a good debate, but not them, it damaged my self perception. I was married to x for a long time, and it cost me so much emotionally and physically. Looking back now, it was profoundly wrong. I tried to stay objective but as I was separated and controlled more and more because I had to pick my fights. If you stay with narcissistic ppl long term they are good at first micro controlled then majorly controlled. The x and his parent systematically removed me from my support system (friends and family) slowly but absolutely. This behavior was of great concern to those who cared genuinely for me, but I did not listen, lost my will to fight for me. Ultimately thins ended, I left and things got Ugly Fast. I’m more than 3 years out, and have gone no contact, never ever want to be there again.
I've watched many of your videos this past year in lockdown , this was the most poignoint for me ... my thoughts my anxiety and how I view myself has really changed because I've been able to explore and evolve xxx thank you Dr Carter as always xxx I'm hoping finally I can really put myself first xxx
How does one “Just say no” to a spouse of 20+ years that one simply can’t or won’t leave. We have tried counseling but can’t afford it year round and he always reverts to his default setting of dismissiveness. This topic had me in tears when I realized I have been invalidated my entire life. And especially when you demonstrated what healthy people would say to each other.
Maybe "not needing" something we're not getting is the best response? When Dr. C lists out all the ways truly super-healthy people treat each other, it makes us drool, amiright? Who doesn't love that perfectly-healthy perfect person?! But, we have a better shot at trying to BE that person than we do... well, you know.
@@painteroflove I do get the whole “give yourself what your family never did” thing. Somehow when it’s your spouse, though, I feel like you have a right to certain expectations or needs. Companionship, love, affection, emotional support. Otherwise why get married?? Because you chose each other. You weren’t born with them, you don’t work with them. Yes the doctor’s responses would be so fulfilling. It seems so simple and natural to me yet so difficult for some. As in, if they validate you, it somehow makes them vulnerable to you. It’s like a contest and if they acknowledge your feelings it means you are right and they are wrong. I have often said no one has to win or lose. The goal should just be to understand each other. But that doesn’t work either. I am exhausted always being the one struggling to communicate in a healthy manner.
@@AllyKit My husband is the same as yours. He talks over me, outright interrupts, invalidates, dismisses, minimizes, ignores and talks to me like I'm stupid. And I can't just "walk away", there's a life here that involves more than just me. So until I'm able to come up with something else, I try to follow Dr Carter's recommendations. It's not easy, and sometimes I fail. I try not to take the bait and argue, or prove my point. It will never make a difference what I say, he will always win, and doesn't really care what my thoughts are anyways. But you know what? I feel better not letting him get to me so much! I feel empowered sitting there with no expression on my face, no reaction, just like he does to me. And inside I'm smiling...even though it's hard to do this and isn't my nature. Don't let him get the best of you! Maybe our 2 husbands should hang out together and see who can invalidate more :)
@@AllyKitI was told by someone that went to premarital counseling that there should be no expectations for marriage. Also, I just read someone's very enlightening comment on a other video that traditional marriage is about a plan, family and politics. Love is not a necessity/expectation in a traditional marriage. Idk. I would need love (understanding, kindness, compassion etc) in my marriage. Also, I agree, many things should not be about win/lose or right/wrong but when you want understanding and the other wants a victory...you (I) will lose everytime, unfortunately.
Invalivadtion-The grand deflection! OMG! Think I found you just in time to help me manage my parents’ declining years!! Thank you!!!! More on parental need for control and denial of their reality!!!
@@ccdm515 I never thought about narc with this. I know I carried the shame and blame. Still do. Never thought of it as rude but it is so rude. I’m sorry you got that too, but your comments have given me some comfort and I’m very grateful.
![Kodak Black - Versatile 4 [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/VcP_1Ua__vY/mqdefault.jpg)
If they can get you to chase their validation, they can control you. That's the whole game.
Well said my friend 👍
That's why if you really don't care they have no power.
@@stacymurphy2599 Bingo! 🏆
Correct-o!!! "You're entitled to your opinion, you don't need to validate this." That's a horrible thing to the narcissist's ear for sure!!!
Good point. We need to validate ourselves and that’s enough!
I grew up in a home that was full of invalidating behaviors. It’s only now I can look at myself and accept that I don’t need anyone’s validation; I’m valid to myself for myself.
I try very hard not to invalidate people or their beliefs. I am a curious person who likes to dig deeper. That can make people feel that I am looking to invalidate them, but that is not my intention. I am looking to understand the nuances of different perspectives in life. I never see things as black or white.
I think the term the shrinks use often enough now is 'inner critic'.
I never pulled my sister's pig tails, but the way I'd get treated by her was the height of all shame.
I rarely ever viewed anyone else to really be like her.
But then I've met alot of shameful people that work tirelessly to keep it almost concealed.
They should make some radical acceptance and model a bit more honesty for better change in their own lives.
Like learning how to perhaps compliment others without invalidation..like exercise constructive cooperation skills but they do themselves generally think they are too clever to take any advice and fight to take the lead over almost anything.
So I stopped bothering to concern myself too much to them after a while.
We all deserve a bit of timeout ✌🙏
@@carefulcarpenter Sometimes I think make war with those who ask for war and then settle on an agreement.
Sometimes it's a one man stand among all the useless invalidators.
No agreement will be established or ever met if ever partaken.
So then what's the point of waring..? 🙏
@@bertzerker747 I began writing creative and wise thoughts on messageboards back in 2000. I was mostly ignored, but seemed to catch the attention of those who like to beat up on the intuitive types who express themselves publically.
It was not the bullies who I fretted about---- it was those who stood by silently and said nothing on my behalf. This is the true definition of "evil" --- taking no positive action in the face of injustice.
"Sometimes Bullies Wear Red Dresses"
cc. 2000
My older bro would be made fun of (as did I) at the drop of a hat, he retaliated back by picking on me and it's all water under the bridge now but somehow you still feel like you can't completely let your guard down.
Indeed. Invalidation and gaslighting are evil companions of the narcissist.
* Complexity baffles them
* They are psychologically lazy
* They are displacing their inner tensions on you (there can be only one!!)
" They are stuck in an immature, adolescent mentality
Joe
As the youngest and the only girl I was always “too little.” When I grew up I married into a family in which I never felt like one of them. When I made attempts to participate in the conversations there was no response except brief blank stares as if the flow of conversation had been interrupted by an irritating noise. Then they would continue talking to each other as if nothing had happened. My husband treated me much the same for 30 years. We were never friends. Imagine the way I must have felt at the age of 70 when I began having a friendship with a man who actually enjoyed conversations with me. I fell in love in a profound way that I could never have imagined feeling. He is gone now and I miss him, but will be eternally grateful that God allowed me to know such a good, decent man.
So profoundly happy for you to have know this real fulfillment! Keep that close to you...,
I am also the youngest, and a girl. There have been times that it appeared that the others just dismissed me and my input. I've watched the messes that they've gotten into, and thought "Wow, that was avoidable, but you wouldn't give me the time of day..." I learned a long time ago to choose my 'family' among trusted friends, who can recognize the insight and clear headedness that I possess.
Narcs and their delusions causes them to become very entitled to treating you with disrespect. As they illegally watch you and force themselves into your life they'll really believe you belong to them. And wont even be good to you
Wow amen
I'm also the youngest and the only girl in our family. They are not good listeners. I've been called names for wanting to get help knowing and admitting that there is something wrong with me. As a kid, I saw our house and anywhere with them as a training ground where I have to follow their orders or else I'm shit. I grew up hearing insults and invalidation. I want to meet someone who can understand me or at least try to listen. I'm almost done. I'm glad you found a person like that.
Wow.... all the way to 70 years old? I feel so bad for you
It helps to remember to treat narcissists as those suffering with mental health issues, so don’t allow them to mess with your mind.
Very good! 👍👏👏👏
Agreed. Great post.
That’s a helpful outlook. Just realize that they’re not all there and pretend they’re a little child so you don’t expect anything better from them.
Not to the point you feel bad for them and stay out of guilt
Yep.😊
"Don't let the narcissists establish who you are going to be" is quite profound.
Or what you experienced.
I was there.
I know what happened.
I saw it
I heard it.
I felt it.
I have a witness. God is my witness. Amen.
Amen
@Millicient Aspinet Yah, it "should" but narcissists are resistant to reality, plus they're not listening. STILL, it's a great idea to just simply stick to being the authority on oneself - just as Bee Still said. Amen
God is my validator.
@@choosepeacetoday yep.
Amen
It's hard when it's your family. There is a cycle of creating one person each generation that gets picked on. I'm not going to participate.
I understand! Attempts to share points of view, cooperate, create a safe place for those absent vs make them the target of ridicule has not gone well. I’m the scapegoat/ black sheep! Prefer not fitting in than communicating in their pattern.
Movies & other shared public events help & not sharing anything personal! TY Dr. LC!
@@pd8827 Great ideas. It took me a long time to learn that my journey is my own. I can have fantastic relationships without them knowing my full history. It's about now, who and what I choose to do. Thanks for your comment.
That's it, I am the scape goat 🐐. I am not playing their games. I would rather be alone.
I'm curious how far back in my mother's family the scapegoat selection goes, it is so pronounced.
@@joywebster2678 very interesting. We happen to have generational cycle too. I guess I'm "it".
Invalidating shouts that the relationship needs reconsideration as to its worth .
Sometimes it seems there'd be no one left if I took that stance completely. Have had to do a bunch of it, though. You start to realize the full extent of a person's toxicity once you step back. Had to kick myself.
They’ll never take you side, whether it’s an issue with a work colleague, who is bullying you or taking advantage. It must always be your fault.
And they're not going to listen to the whole story, they catch a few words and launch on their sneering response. You can watch it unfold. You can predict it. You can see their gears working on twisting your words as you speak.
My feelings, my thoughts, my suggestions were invalidated constantly.
When I finally understood what I was dealing with I walked away. My final words were if you think Its ok to disrespect me then there is no relationship.
@Teresa - a friend once said this to me: if you wouldn't accept this behavior from a "friend" than why on Earth would you accept it from your own family/ siblings, etc??? She had a valid point.
I like that "...if you think it's okay to disrespect me then..." RIGHT-O. There IS a problem when they think it's okay to disrespect us. It's difficult to teach them that is is NOT okay. Consequences, etc. etc. - all an energy-draining misadventure. Sigh
@@mdee860 If we were as nice to our family as we are to the strangers at the grocery store? Hello?
@@painteroflove - I'm nice to everyone, grocery store, siblings, clients, etc. I am the youngest & grew up adoring my sibs. Only much later in life came to understand most of them were various types of Narcs. It was devastating.
YES.
Start validating yourself and do as much good as you possibly can in this evil world!
Im 65 yrs old and have no desire to go through anymore invalidation with anyone
Too many years of the BS!
He used to interrupt me mid sentence, "wait wait wait, you are not making sense." He'd say. How does he know if I can't finish my sentence????
Sounds just like a narcissist. They don’t want you to make sense. They damn well KNOW you make sense, but they don’t want to hear it.
They ALSO need you to doubt yourself in the hopes that you will quit trying to make sense ever after.
@@chriswyma145 Sometimes he would break down what I was saying and repeat it. Not sure if he's a narc or ocpd. He gets hung up on the tiniest details. Then gets flustered and not much follow through....
@@chriswyma145 Its possible. Not quite sure. Then again I got to decide how much I give to this.
They're one step ahead for making us crazy and then it's look, you're crazy again!
@@sunnydaye5942 That may be a bit different. It sounds like he has a hard time comprehending what he hears maybe? Did you notice if he did that with others at all? I know I am bad in social settings. I try to have what I think is a conversation, but, after being so isolated, I'd get excited about being with others and want to just talk. It does not go over well. I could never understand why one person's story was so funny or engaging, yet I'd say something and... crickets.... I began to realize I was not like everyone else, but I didn't know what to do to change. So frustrating. I felt invisible or stupid and not much in between.
It is sadism to enjoy causing strife and invalidation
Thank you. It really is.
My mother.. completely unable to discuss anything. The only topic she’s comfortable with is the weather or how awful something is.
Ditto. Ugh!
Same as my mum, only interested in soaps. More important than real life apparently.
Have they been invalidated a long time?
Mine became invalid when I met her.
We have the same mother!!!
In other words, they are just setting you up, right? They love getting the reaction out of you so they can say, "See! You are the one unstable!" If you can pick up those clues, you can learn to walk away and not be drawn into their belittling attacks. Good strategy. ⚘
Yes, they play the "gotcha" came quite often. Dr. C
So true, I was in a relationship for two years of my too short life and he'd ghost me for months on end blame me for feeling lonely coz I wasn't trying hard enough at reaching out and creating the situation and not caring what he was going through and on and on and on. Wed known each other from childhood and he'd used that against me coz "we had history" that I'd be stupid and selfish and callous if I ended things. It took him almost a decade to admit we could date and five stupid years to get engaged; and then one day things just clicked and I realized he'd only moved to the next step when I was starting to look elsewhere and blame me for being flighty and finecky and not having trust in him and not saying what I needed and on and on and on.
When he next ghosted me I didn't reach out and moved in, he called me after *nine months* and started that stupid nonsense blaming me for not reaching out even though we lived in the same town and ran in the same circle that I was the one trying to ruin our history and therefore future. When I didn't buy it he turned to telling me how hard he'd had it and a the bad things I'd done. When I didn't buy that he got his family involved and they harassed me and my family for months blaming me for how things had been for almost twenty years and baking me for ending the best two years of my life (they weren't) and eventually disappeared. Thank goodness he's gone, people will trap you with "history" and you should watch out.
@@availanila Exactly. It was my fault I didn't reach out. But when I did, he would use the information against me and humiliate me in the presence of others. Finally, I just closed down and moved on.
My brother did this so perfectly this weekend in front of my mother..He tried and tried in an indirect manner…I finally just walked out of the room for awhile..I guess I didn’t stay gone long enough to get me in line..Came back and just tried to ignore him but still had that “whatever” in me so he attacked directly..I bit back all in front of my mother..Of course it was all my fault because he is the golden child..I have to learn to physically LEAVE when he is around..
@@teelynnsaldana7721 They want a reaction. You have to find a way to avoid the entrapment.
"psychologically lazy people" well that explains why my parents spent their time making fun of people who chose to study psychology, in order to discourage me to do so...
I never get or ask for validation, yet I'm constantly validating them, not anymore.
Whoa. This just shook me. Thank you for this comment!
Very helpful to hear him say that these invalidators are “black & white thinkers” who don’t like complexity or complex ideas. That explains a lot because I am a super complex and creative thinker who comes up with innovative solutions. Also, helpful to know these people are often stuck in middle school when it comes to social skills. I always felt a bit guilty for thinking “how immature!”...after they basically call me an idiot.
Creativity and innovation threaten the narcissist, and benefit the rest.
So true!
I also feel guilty for thinking that people are stuck back there in middle school even though they’re well over 40. It’s sad.
Funny you used that phrase, “black and white thinkers”, my x and I literally had an argument about how he actually perceived things as black and white, he argued everything was black and white, me, no things are much more complicated than that. You are Spot On with that statement. I had forgotten that.
So true!
Yep. Psychological laziness, describes my family, perfectly.
One I know opens every text with a derogatory nickname. Talk about insults. I’m not responding anymore. SMH Thanks, Doc!
I've know so many people over my lifetime, who were brilliant, who excelled in so many ways, but because they had been invalidated, over and over again, it drained them of any wish to make a better life for themselves. It came out as anger, or selfishness, or some other bizarre characteristic that disabled them. Sad.
Oh I wanted a better life, but my self-esteem was all gone. Zero confidence in myself - Impostor Syndrome.
Mine came out as extreme neediness and emotional outbursts because I never got the support I needed in my formative years that made me secure in my attachments and my identity.
It's getting better in therapy, but it takes time to undo that. I use self-validation techniques and remind myself that other people do not get more of a say on my experiences and who I am than I do.
My narcissistic ex friend always wants to "talk", insisting I come to her whenever I have an issue. She will insist healthy friends talk things out. The reality, however, is that her talk isn't a discussion, it is just her completely invalidating me and basically giving me the "my way or the highway" presentation. That's why she's an ex-friend.
My earliest memories were of being screamed at by both of my parents for having an opinion of the color of a rug and other minor things. They were so bad that I learned to shut up and freeze at an early age with occasional outbursts of anger and chronic depression and anxiety. I’m learning to feel okay about expressing myself at the ripe old age of 62. It’s an amazing and freeing feeling and I plan on staying this way.
I could have written this. 64.
Me too 63
Me three
Me four - age 72. Just figured all out over the past 10 years. Wasted a lot of years before I woke up. Am enjoying peace & quiet, am no contact now with narc abusive sister & brother, and nieces.
And me. Dr C is right they don't have emotional maturity of empathy and always think they're right. At 64 years of age with a history of thi kind of abuse it's difficult to deal with.all over again. I get angry and anxious and depressed because it brings up every bad negative emotion I had during my childhood when I was treated like I was nothing.
My mother law is incapable of this. YOU ARE A GODSEND!!
Yesterday I interacted with a cousin who invalidates all the time. I told her something I knew to be true based on documented evidence and she responded, that’s your opinion. I said no it’s the truth. She said it’s your truth. I wasn’t going to let her get away with making me feel awful so I said it’s not my truth, it’s the truth. I still felt bad because there are so few of us left, I’m 73, after all these years she still believes she is better than me and I must remain inferior.
I’m validating that I was invalidated numerous times, probably before we were even married , but didn’t understand that that was what was happening to me. Pretty much all of our marriage.
Love that!
So many of us have been there as well. Hugs and peace wishes for you. 💜
@@christinebuckingham8369 Wishing you hugs and peace also!
Yup & say anything in your own defense and your narc feels doubly right/justified putting up your never too far away just in their easy reach crazy flag, huh, wonder how that happened, we felt normal not too long ago!
@@joseenoel8093 Like what the heck just happened! We were having a conversation and then , boom!
Invalidation can strangely seep from family to school to the workforce. Almost like clockwork. It takes a calm self image to navigate through each phase per se and recognize the almost predictable immaturity of others. This isn't stubbornness or arrogance if the criticisms are invalid. It's knowing who you are. Better to have few quality friends who respect you than a back breaking quiverful of fake-friendly people hissing behind your back.
Well stated. You speak with the mind of an artist. Dr. C
Our only weapon is kindness.
And being absent from the invalidation.
🌈😘🙋
Brilliant comment. This is something very powerful we can all do
Be careful with that. Consider self preservation too
@MJ yes many times when you reply to an abusive narcissist with kindness, they take that as a greenlight for them to abuse you even more.
My sister is such a bully Narc & she has cultivated some sibs to be her flying 🐒. She even tries to "tell me" what my own memories are! 🤯🤣 How crazy is that?
I get invalidated all the time and I always think you know what these people are just rejecting themselves
That's a good way to look at it.
This reminds me of the day (after 13years) I kept my power rather than being baited into yelling to be heard: He was doing the usual criticism, and I stood there calmly and said I didn’t agree and what he said was false. That made him mad. He screamed something at me, I don’t remember what, and it felt like he pulled his mother’s skin over me and was reacting to that. I still calmly kept my power. He stormed off, acting like a five year old. A week later after another one of these scenes, I kicked him out. I was done. It was very scary to be alone after losing all my power in the outside world, but the amazing thing was, I met new people who took my words seriously, called me talented, and gave me realistic feedback. I was on my way back to health! The scars are there but rarely bother me. 😍
”Don’t let them establish who you want to be.” I must write that quote on my wall and remember it daily.
Exactly. I saw your other comment too, and it is a reminder that you can't afford to take your cues from really unhealthy people. Dr. C
I’m married to one that thrives on invalidating, It’s as if my wife enjoys the process.
That's because Narcs DO enjoy the process!
Feeds their supply....makes them feel superior.
Stu in England here. Saying thank you again (a thousand times) to Dr C and others that have posted comments. Nearly 11 months into being free from a very destructive narcissistic girlfriend, and only discovered these vids a month or so ago and it's really helping me to complete this journey. I knew something in my thinking was missing, and Dr. C (and Lisa Romano) gave me the answer... Understanding, knowledge, acceptance, re discovering me, focusing on my own qualities and ability to have and maintain healthy relationships with others... Thank you all so much. Had a solo weekend away on motorcycle last weekend... Felt fantastic and depended on no o e but me. Couldn't have done that before.
Anyone on the healing journey... Hang in there... These vids will help you and its SOOO worth it. Thank you everyone
@@trollcrusher242 thank you, and you have an interesting name. Kindness back to you.
Stu in England
@@jj80919 hi JJ thank you for your reply. It's weirdly very helpful when you see a reply from someone; something about realising your not on your own I think. Yes I do listen to Dr Ramani too. Very very good. What I find deeply shocking about Dr. Carter, Dr. Ramani and Lisa Ramano is just how ACCURATELY they describe my own experiences. I'm a guy in England, thousands of miles from them, yet they describe the exact words, actions, insults, damage, abuse, physical stuff, lies, etc etc that has been used against me for 4 years. I thought my ex girlfriend was uniquely difficult, and the shock for me is realising thru these vids that there are many others who've had very similar experiences. Lisa Ramano is, I think, especially good at helping and describing things for guys as well as girls. All 3 are amazing. I've had 11 months to heal now(there's still holes in walls and doors and the kitchen counter from my ex's rages, but the holes in my life are so much better now... I'm in what Lisa calls the "maintaining" phase.
So thank you JJ. Your reply takes me 1 more step on the journey, a few steps in fact. Kindness back to you JJ. I hope your journey is successful too. Stu in England
I am sooo glad your FREE !!!
You can do this....hang in there, you can do this....
@@dewuknowofHyMn yes you can... If you take action and actually do the things these vids talk about and do the THINKING and the LOOKING AT YOURSELF and the REDISCOVERING that you ARE ok and good and not a piece of sh**, as these vids say... That you are ENOUGH.
If you do some of these things every day, you'll get the strength to tell whoever's been treating you badly where they can go.
Power, strength and KINDNESS back to you 12blvnhm 4me from Stu in England
Hi Stu! Congratulations on breaking free & reclaiming yourself. I too was 🤯 when I 1st started listening to all the ppl./ Drs. you mentioned. At 1st I felt so stupid. Then, I was angry to come to understand Narcs do these awful things ON PURPOSE. Then, like you - was again 🤯 to learn from comments - that Narcs are SO similar & emply the same "bag of tricks" i.e., Rage, Silent Treatment, Gaslighting, Smear Campaign, Selective Amnesia, etc. To learn that your entire relationship was just smoke & mirrors 🪞 & that they'll NEVER, EVER change was eye opening. I will always be so grateful to Drs. Carter & Ramani, and a few others - and also to the wise & warm community here. Stay strong... and stay on guard so this doesn't happen again!
Can’t be invalidated if their opinions are invalid to me🤣
Good point. Dr. C
AMEN. Good one!
🫰❤️😇
A former friend who invalidated my trauma told me “my opinion is valueless.” but all I can say is that, of course it is but I don’t think I’d want to be friends with someone who has an opinion that invalidates me and my psychological trauma.
jokes don't hurt & are never at another's expense. I'd say I can take a joke when no one is put down, discredited. I know when a joke is a healthy joke. therefore I stop speaking from then on.
My mother knows nothing about me. I'm just her extension in her mind. She thinks my husband and kids are fair game for her. No boundaries.
"Fair game" struck a chord with me. Yah, where does this "ownership attitude" come from? Perhaps she sees you and all "yours" as an extension of herself? "Boundaries" is a good topic - right!
He runs the ice maker or the garbage disposal while I’m speaking. I tell him it’s rude. Later, he runs the faucet while I’m speaking. I tell him it hurts that he’s not listening. He blames me for not speaking up. For not getting to the point of the story faster. For talking to him while he’s trying to get ready for bed. So it’s all my fault that he’s dismissive?
It was eerie how this hits home for me. He is every one of these things. And every time I tell him how I feel, he acts like I’m just overly sensitive and critical. Deflecting, getting defensive, and turning it around on me is the standard. His mind is made up in his head. He won’t listen. Where does one go from there?
OH BOY!!! That one "gets me" - the ol' "I'll just get up and walk-away and do stuff while YOU are trying to communicate with me." Grrrr! Right or wrong, the only thing I know to do is to STOP talking and stop communicating and do something else instead. You drop/ignore me? I'm dropping/ignoring the conversation too. If he then says "What?!" or abreacts to your walking away, just keep walking. You can always talk later? Maybe this is bad advice. I'd be interested to hear what people think. It's all I know to do. To keep trying to communicate while the other party is running the garbage disposal? Hello? Is there a metaphor there? Like what you're saying is just "garbage" that he's "disposing" of? No, I couldn't keep talking after that. I'd grab my phone and call a friend ASAP. Mid-sentence. When he turns off the disposal I'm already talking to gal-pal Sally about her new curtains. I'd probably FAKE IT if I had to, lol. Garbage disposal... you got me going with that one!
@@painteroflove I’ve done plenty of walking away but it has no impact. Almost like it’s a relief to him that he doesn’t have to listen. Emotionally lazy and stunted in adolescence for sure. But your advice about Sally and her curtains made me 😂 Thanks for the giggle
I validate myself now!
The aim is not to be impressive, the aim is to work out who is worth being impressed by
They tie you in knots. it's as if they're just playing a game with you. Iv'e said it over and over again, it's just a matter of avoiding them if you can. Anyway it's a bit like watching the news they're just oppositional to whatever is going on at the time. As we would say in Yorkshire England, any road for an argument.
"Oppositional to whatever..." Exactly and now I have a great new saying: "Any road for an argument." Yes. That's their attitude.
Hi Dennis Nowland. Interesting comments. I agree they act as if they are playing a game and one of the many rage insults, shouts, comments I got thrown at me was "SO YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES DO YOU? I'LL SHOW YOU FU****G GAMES" This was hurled at me so viciously for me doing and saying completely normal, living, caring things
I have never heard “any road for an argument” but it sounds good x
Big house-building project. I am the creative one and give ideas, draw sketches. No discussion back. Then he just does what he wants. Invalidation over and over. I felt like a tenant and said, Do what you want, I don't even want to know - whatever.
He is not mean, he is disengaged, dismissive by default. He is insular and clueless when it comes to validation, and how to share ideas. I cannot afford to care or invest my emotions in this project. Giving up. This is bad for both of us. So, tell me when it is over.
The man of God called Job comes to mind, he lost everything but he would not let go or turn against his father in heaven, Job had everything restored to him.
People can and invalidate you and do but God does not cling to him, Amen
AMEN!
@@sirtedricwalker2979 true, it is good to know what and who you are againt I mean so you can choose your words carefully
Yah, "people" are just "people" and they're NOT "God" and they're not as important as they sometimes feel to us. Easy to know, more difficult to feel.
After a smear campaign launched against me by by narc brother, sister and their flying monkeys, I was discussing my feelings of anger and sadness with my mom and she said, “I’m worried about you?” I told her, “don’t be worried about me, worry about your other three children who are hell bent on destroying me, something is seriously wrong with them.” Yep, I’m on to them!
Worried about you for refusing to be abused? So many people don't see how these patterns work. Your mother may eventually get it. Mine did. Right before she died, she said to me, "Your sister doesn't have the inner depth that you do. I think you might have to just keep your distance. Don't let her dominate and bully you. It's clear to me now, when it wasn't before, that she has a lot of jealousy towards you. Also, you're the prettier one." Thanks, Mom!
@@notagain779 thank you sweet angel. You give me hope!
My 90 yr old mother worries about me claiming I recall a life that never existed even as I am abused still by my siblings and their kids and moms flying monkeys. I also kept journals as a kid of the abuse, still have them. So I know my experience was real.
@@joywebster2678 Journals? Very good idea!
The strategy is to let them believe what they want and disappear from the situation. You cannot have a 50/50 friendship with them. Until you submit to their framework, you will be putting up with their insults and controlling/trivializing putdowns.
As a remorseful serial invalidator, I found this perspective so helpful; I recognise the black/white thinking, and the origins in family/work. Learning how to respond to assertiveness and cede control I’m working on - resolve is not a problem but tackling long-held habits is. Your videos are valuable and comforting.
Wishing you the best possible outcomes. Changing mindsets and habits is hard work, and worth the efforts.
Thanks for giving hope that some invalidators do change ❤
The only thing that has worked for me is to stay silent, walk away and completely ignore what they say or do. Be fearless because in front of you they will try to look superior in every way possible. This one can't stand that I don't let them into my space anymore. It's killing them.
2:11 - You....ain't....kidding!!!! Won't even let me get a word in edgewise. Just interrupts me and talks over me and if I continue, I get a "stop talking!!!! stop talking!!!!" from them.
I'm loving that you're posting videos on this channel again, it means we get a dose of Dr. Carter almost daily now. :)
Now that I'm quasi-retired I can do it! Thanks for the encouragement! Dr. C
I absolutely agree. We really appreciate your mini lectures Dr. Carter. Knowledge is perhaps the best medicine against the poison of narcissists or other toxic people. With knowledge we heal and can also protect ourselves against future attacks.
@@DrLesCarter it's the very least I can do. you're like the kind dad I never had & you keep me sane. thanks for being here...as long as you enjoy it.
@@sheilajac Spot on!
I love that you don't only point out what narcissism is, but also help with getting on the right track. Much apreciated🧡
I think the part where the other person interrupts whenever I try to speak on an important topic fits me.Talkson how we can get along and though it may seem like I try to control my husband all I want is to have him listen.He acts like if he does he's going to die or something!!
“I don’t know what to do with nuance.” Exactly.
Like - near-literally that exact conversation, just today
Especially when they're deeply committed to punching back on everything anyway.
I've always felt like I've been treated like a second class member of the family by my 3 oldest siblings . They treat me in a manner they wouldn't treat eachother .
One of the ways they invalidate me is when they claim I'm ungrateful even though I've always told them thank you when they did something for me.
It's as if my words are falling on deaf ears or they value so little the things I say that they forget them quickly
That's why I'm here Dr Carter. Reprogramme my thinking from childhood?.. Look forward to your dulcet tones Dr C :)
Are you a Latin scholar? Dulcis...sweet in Latin. You're so kind. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter ha ha Kindness Yes, a Latin scholar, No... Just a Scottish girl looking for answers after narcissism. :)
It helps to take at least 1 yr. of Latin in H.S., even though it's a dead language. It will help you for the rest of your life to figure out words that you don't know. Between that & context you can decipher almost any word. I still remember 1st day: Agriculae, Agricolus, Agricularum.... or something like that! 😁
I was trained/raised to believe that my feelings/thoughts were always wrong and do not matter. Knowing what I do now, I am able to see through invalidation and move on. This video was very helpful in giving me more insight and understanding. Thank you.
I see the two-faced liar narc(Dad); his schemes. I won't stoop to his level. That is how I live with myself in honestly. I won't lie to others about him.
You wanna know the invalidator's favorite quote?
"That's life."
Very dismissive. Dr. C
Father, sister, bosses, ex husband! Whew! I am finally learning what the red flags are and control my reactions to them. Left my invalidating, gaslighting, controlling, black & white thinking, covert narcissistic husband a few months ago. Tomorrow would've been our 34th wedding anniversary. Now it just D day again
My mother snapped at me as we were walking out of the house. I told her in text message that I wanted a reason for why she did it. She said we could talk when I got off work. I get home and both of my parents went to bed uncharacteristically early, and she didn't say anything to me that night. The next morning I sit down to talk with her, and she's "too busy" to talk, yet when I'm leaving for work (not even an hour later) she's just lounging on the couch on her phone. She said she, "doesn't have time to bicker about whether feelings were hurt." and claimed that I want her to talk to me like I'm a child. When all I asked was for her to not snap at me as we're leaving the house, out of nowhere.
It’s hard for me to be as uncaring and indifferent as they are when I’m dealing with them. It’s not in my nature and it makes me feel bleh to do it, but I see now that I must if I am to survive this.
I agree with you! It's my nature to be kind and friendly, to everyone..
But now I realize how the narc baits, and I dont take their "bait"
Narcs love empathetic highly sensitive people..I am very aware of Narcissists, everywhere I go, they expose theirselves constantly!! Awareness in not taking their "bait" is essential!
Well, Paradise, you don't have to be "uncaring" about their unfortunate state. If a vicious dog is barking at you, you can still have genuine concern for the dog and hope the best for him, ya just don't want to try to pet him or bark back.
🎉
Wow, this is great advice, I noticed those who consistently invalidate are poor listeners, narrow minded and lack self awareness. It is really sad, but frustrating to deal with. I would recommend limiting time and conversations with them, but some times you can't.. I learned to just agree to disagree or even say, thank you for sharing your opinion/perspective and leave it at that.
They will start an argument with you in front of others. If you say ANYTHING they will escalate and everyone in the room will be uncomfortable and perceive that YOU are bickering EQUALLY with the narcissist.
The only defense is to say nothing and back out of the room. But they have spoiled your conversation with the others and given them a bad association with you.
100% spot on. They get in first and, even though they started it, you are the one left defending yourself. They think they have won and that's how it feels, but they are always remain unhappy, resentful, and angry, however much they darken your name to others. They can NEVER satisfy their lack of satisfaction with life. That's no way to live a life, so more fool them.
Agreed, and I have experienced the same. Gray rock is the only way for me.
They have no issue trash talking you and the people they SHOULD care about the most, in front of others, including people they randomly run into out in public. No basic understanding of concepts such as boundaries, or waiting until you're alone to have that discussion. Or, my personal favorite, when you leave the room for a minute then come back to find them trash talking you and trying to turn the people you care about against you. I've lost count of how many people they've turned against me with lies, gossip, slander and gaslighting.
@Laura Randolph • You're so true...
¹⁰sept: laura: right there č you. Mine kept instigating whenever our children were in the home. He'd start in on me for some minor BS, raise his voice, then yelled. Our kids would come investigate 🔎 sit in front roll seats to 'the show' and since i used to not react or reacted inappropriate they would not only take his side but chime in. Put a stop to that s***. I had to start Standing Up for myself, never defended myself (not necessary).
He went as far as video 📹 taping me when i was raising my voice (to be heard), turning what he called me or said about me back on him....AND used this recording against me as evidence, once i finally got the courage to call 911. Made me out to be having a 'mental episode'
I remind myself about this every time when I meet them. I stop giving then the narcissistic supply they want from me. I must become ”nasty, terribly selfish” and not to care that they say so. When I am unhappy and feel bad, then it is not selfish: Then I am just crazy, an idiot, fool etc. So, whatever, I am always something bad, not enogh of something, whatever I do or whatever do not do. Never enogh of that something that they want.
Yep, ‘psychologically lazy’ is the best description to give the narc.
*repeats... low listening skills, high demanding tendencies...
*understands my family system more...
Has anyone here experienced another adult REPEATEDLY ASKING for your advice and opinion, only to IMMEDIATLY invalidate it every single time you answer?! I now just completly ignore the question or change the subject mid sentence while the question is being asked, which often results in bewilderment or anger on the other adults part. But I dont care anymore.
Wow!! And you just keep on giving in a TOTALLY appropriate manner..My dad died in April and it has been pure he.. It is soooooo hard to look at yourself and see that all your life choices have been made on seeking validation from others/that your two marriages were based on love bombing that of course went away/ that really right now there is NO ONE who would stand with you/stand up for you..All you have is yourself and nothing you have given matters…Buttt on the lighter side…I will learn this lesson and I will grow..I can change no one but me..Soo thanks .. OUCH..THANKS🤣
Say thank you for showing me your true colors and do whatever you can to get out, or get protected.
I had to realize that my birth family will never provide me the support and warmth they give each other and I will always be the black sheep. I accepted that they don't care about me as much as I care for them and I need to step back and go very low contact. It hurts so much and I feel like I am grieving but I can't heal if they are part of my life.
I tried proving myself for years but I didn't know that they were just enjoying the constant rejection they would give me - enjoyed it ! I got bleeding ulcers, anxiety just general health decline that went on till they died.
My narcissistic relative WON'T discuss anything. I just get the silent wall, told "I know I can't change you," but they can't tell me what I have done wrong. It's all just about invalidating me and making me feel so stupid and so inherently disgusting that she has "nothing to say". The closest I"ve gotten from her is "I don't know why I'm so conflicted." She finally entered therapy over two years ago, but I"ve seen no effort to mend fences with me by beginning to make any sort of effort. It's all still just TOTAL CONTROL, which at this point, means intense silent treatment.
I grew up invalidated by my mother.Then I married into a family that was like that.I can be talking and they pretend I'm not talking and will interrupt me.I found out one family member was talking about me behind my back calling me crazy.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, from your eternal sister in Christ somewhere near Seattle.
That person is my 82-year old mother.
Dad and I joke about the old Willy Nelson song:
I'm so wrong again.
Just can't wait to be oh,
So wrong again.
Life with mom is not like making music w my friends.
Just can't wait to be
Oh, so wrong again.
How dad put up w her for just over 50 years is beyond me, and my 4 sibs.
No wonder why we and so many others stay away. She has become a bitter, old woman.
TY, Doctor. I will forward your channel to as many people as I can.
Including my 4 sibs, my Insurance Broker, my mechanic who runs a 16-bay shop, etc.
Hoping to help grow your channel. Much love, gratitude and respect from somewhere near Seattle.
⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
Make a mental note of the person who invalidated you. We talk they blameshift. Don't get upset. If they have done something 54 times why get upset the 55th time. Radical acceptance of who these people are. Very low frustration tolerance , very poor judgment. Save your energy don't argue that is what they want. That's what they want. So keep your mouth shut and realize you will be met with dismissive behavior. Get up and excuse yourself go do something else. Find someone who has object constancy who can appreciate your ideas.
Their internal world is extremely negative and they see the world as persecutory. They believe their needs may never be met so they fight to have their needs 1st. As for your needs they aren't concerned unless it aligns with their needs.
This is so true.
I can’t tell you how much your talks have helped me the last few weeks - processing why an ex partner should remain an ex partner. Thank you thank you thank you 🙏
When I was young I witnessed a couple who broke-up and then went-back together time and time again. Once I asked her if she was broken-up with her husband and she said she "didn't know." I thought that was like TORTURE. That's ONE time that I learned from someone else's woes. I never broke-up lightly and I never looked-back after a goodbye. Right or wrong, good or bad, at least I knew my status.
Hi Tanya I agree... And you can stick to keeping them an ex if you remind yourself every day you are a decent person and you never deserved whatever bad treatment you got. Ki dness back to you Tanya from Stu in England
Can I just tell a wild story. Before even subscribing to this channel in 2020 I bought a book called the anger trap. Little did I know Dr Les was the author. I only opened and read the book after going to therapy and it not helping to make sense of the anger I felt from having a narcissist mother and my father abandoning me before I was even born. This was around 2022. Only then did i realise that ive been subscribed and watched his channel. All I can say is this book has help me makes sense the rage I felt and help me process these uncomfortable feelings because that’s not something i was taught. My therapist noted I swallow my anger with food = binge eating. Mainly because I couldn’t place my anger anywhere else. I do have moments where I overeat but not like I used to. This book changed my life!
Great video - I wish you'd also addressed when someone's invalidating statement triggers intense and unexpected anger and possibly rage.
' At the very least, there's one person in the equation that's going in the right direction', ' be the healthy alternative' and 'in those moments that's when your healthiness has the best chance too show up ' are phrases I will try to remind my self of when dealing with the invalidating person in my life.
My brother, changed my folks will, both parents gone now, he took everything !!!
My other 2 siblings and I GOT NOTHING, including the house..
What Dr. C talked about is only part of my brother..hmmmmm..
Maybe he's the milkmans ?
My other siblings and I would never
act/steal/invalidate anyone ....especially family...like he has done..
Yep, yep, yep, Dr. C talked about that person who calls himself my brother...🙃
I have walked away from them and told them to take me out of the will. Basically avoiding the pain of the same thing happening.
"So THAT'S your idea..."
"Is that the best you can do?"
"Try not to mess it up this time"
"I wish you would have listened to me"
Mike, UGH! That was painful just to read.
I REALISED AFTER WATCHING DR LES' STREAMS I HAVE BEEN APOLOGISING TO ALL THESE CONTROLLERS IN MY LIFE FOR THEIR WRONGS, NO MORE APOLOGISING I'VE GOT TO CONFRONT AND STOP APOLOGISING, PEOPLE PLEASING! GOSH THIS IS LIFE CHANGING!
Dr.C you look really good in the orange shirt!!
Thoughout my childhood I was invalidated and the older I got the more prevalent it became. When I started thinking for myself and developing my own thoughts and feelings and being an individual and not merely a reflection of my parents it became more prevalent. Also, my mistakes are constantly being brought up yet, Im expected to enthusiastically change myself after all my mistakes are being pulled out and with all the emotional invalidation. Also keep being told by everybody including my sister that everything in my life is happening solely because of my own choices and actions when that's not always the case and I have nothing to be angry about, they refuse to see how they contribute to the problem. They seem to constantly tell me that I'm always wrong even when what I'm feeling is normal. I constantly have to defend myself for nornal things. Sometimes I'm called stupid or dumb just for having a different logic pattern sometimes I'm tolf its a good idea but most of the time its not so. I started a new job almost year ago and I was struggling a little at the job when I tell them about it they give me advice, but its later used against me. I keep being bugged about the job. They found out that I also have ADHD, but constantly put neurotypical standards onto me with not much listening, understanding or accommodations. And they use God for everything as a cover all which sometimes prevent reals conversations. Its not that I dont believe in God and Jesus, but I keep being gaslight and invalidated using religion, which almost makes me want nothing to do with it sometimes. The thing of it is the confusing part is that my parents mean well and deep down I know that but they way they do things can be toxic and unbearable at times. At this point In my life Im 26 and just as the man in the video said, I'm actually am entering a stage in my life where I'm like F everything! I'm starting to actually become low key rebellious, angry and, antisocial at a time I should be making friends. Im walking around with a slow but burning anger I can feel it in my chest sometimes. I don't like being told what to do and also have an aversion to following and meeting people's expectations especially at the job. My job is very meticulous which is a cesspool of criticism mistake correction, which angers me even more. I want to be independent but then sometimes I self destruct when I'm to myself amd people alway have to intervene(alot of it is because of my ADHD)This video really helped me and it was SPOT ON.
"Emotional storms" which we have experienced teach us the following: it is less important how much bad experience we have or had in our life, but it is more important how/way we have experienced them. After these "storms" we can be invalidated in many ways and feel emotionally broken down. But, don't forget every "emotional storm" is always sign or message sent to us with an aim how to improve something inside us. The road made of: rebuild healthy self-love, self-esteem and self-confidence leads to healing. Dr. Carter, thanks. Looking forward to Your advices!
This precisely describes painful memories that I've been working to heal. Memories of experiences that make me physically ill. I didn't understand at all the personal attacks that eventually cost me a career. This preso in a nutshell is deeply helpful. Thank you.
I can normally have normal conversations but when I get “triggered “ I revert back to childhood and checkout. I don’t need to feel smart or anything like that. I just don’t want to be blown over. I am a problem solver at heart so I ask questions.
Dr. Carter you're a gift to the world! Wonder if you know that you're helping people from all over the world. I appreciate so much everything that you do. Greetings from South Brazil
Thank you Sandra. Your comments warm my heart. Dr. C
"a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation"
Absolutely. I have only recently recognized that i have a lifetime of getting myself into relationships with this type of person/ involvement in organizations lead by these type of "invalidating" people. So I'm in the process of leaving my second church in 3 years because at this point I don't have the energy/ skills to deal with another pastor/ minister that is messing with my mental health.
I can so relate and they never allow anyone that they can't manipulate, to take part in anything. Walk away.
Yes, when I state my true thoughts, the amount of times I have heard the response ''I'm shocked'' or ''well that was unexpected'' or ''I'm surprised you say that''. And I'm thinking, why are you so surprised??, what I'm saying is a perfectly reasonable thing for me to say. It's usually at that point, however that they seem to know they are loosing a grip on me, so I use their statement of ''I'm shocked'' as confirmation for myself that I'm on the right path away from the toxicity.
My X and his mom were hugely invalidating but they Loved that I was the opposite. I still wonder what was wrong with me that I allowed that in my life? I grew up being seen, heard and valued. My family loved a good debate, but not them, it damaged my self perception. I was married to x for a long time, and it cost me so much emotionally and physically. Looking back now, it was profoundly wrong. I tried to stay objective but as I was separated and controlled more and more because I had to pick my fights. If you stay with narcissistic ppl long term they are good at first micro controlled then majorly controlled. The x and his parent systematically removed me from my support system (friends and family) slowly but absolutely. This behavior was of great concern to those who cared genuinely for me, but I did not listen, lost my will to fight for me. Ultimately thins ended, I left and things got Ugly Fast. I’m more than 3 years out, and have gone no contact, never ever want to be there again.
I've watched many of your videos this past year in lockdown , this was the most poignoint for me ... my thoughts my anxiety and how I view myself has really changed because I've been able to explore and evolve xxx thank you Dr Carter as always xxx I'm hoping finally I can really put myself first xxx
So pleased, Louise. You're why I do the videos. Dr. C
another way of invalidating is the use of sarcasm
Absolutely. And then claim you can’t take a joke.
This is the best vid/info I've seen about invalidation. Thank you so much!! 👏
How does one “Just say no” to a spouse of 20+ years that one simply can’t or won’t leave. We have tried counseling but can’t afford it year round and he always reverts to his default setting of dismissiveness. This topic had me in tears when I realized I have been invalidated my entire life. And especially when you demonstrated what healthy people would say to each other.
Maybe "not needing" something we're not getting is the best response? When Dr. C lists out all the ways truly super-healthy people treat each other, it makes us drool, amiright? Who doesn't love that perfectly-healthy perfect person?! But, we have a better shot at trying to BE that person than we do... well, you know.
@@painteroflove I do get the whole “give yourself what your family never did” thing. Somehow when it’s your spouse, though, I feel like you have a right to certain expectations or needs. Companionship, love, affection, emotional support. Otherwise why get married?? Because you chose each other. You weren’t born with them, you don’t work with them. Yes the doctor’s responses would be so fulfilling. It seems so simple and natural to me yet so difficult for some. As in, if they validate you, it somehow makes them vulnerable to you. It’s like a contest and if they acknowledge your feelings it means you are right and they are wrong. I have often said no one has to win or lose. The goal should just be to
understand each other. But that doesn’t work either. I am exhausted always being the one struggling to communicate in a healthy manner.
@@AllyKit My husband is the same as yours. He talks over me, outright interrupts, invalidates, dismisses, minimizes, ignores and talks to me like I'm stupid. And I can't just "walk away", there's a life here that involves more than just me. So until I'm able to come up with something else, I try to follow Dr Carter's recommendations. It's not easy, and sometimes I fail. I try not to take the bait and argue, or prove my point. It will never make a difference what I say, he will always win, and doesn't really care what my thoughts are anyways. But you know what? I feel better not letting him get to me so much! I feel empowered sitting there with no expression on my face, no reaction, just like he does to me. And inside I'm smiling...even though it's hard to do this and isn't my nature. Don't let him get the best of you! Maybe our 2 husbands should hang out together and see who can invalidate more :)
@@AllyKitI was told by someone that went to premarital counseling that there should be no expectations for marriage. Also, I just read someone's very enlightening comment on a other video that traditional marriage is about a plan, family and politics. Love is not a necessity/expectation in a traditional marriage. Idk. I would need love (understanding, kindness, compassion etc) in my marriage.
Also, I agree, many things should not be about win/lose or right/wrong but when you want understanding and the other wants a victory...you (I) will lose everytime, unfortunately.
I go into an angry rage when I feel invalidated 😡
Ok, we just spent a day with my family!
"How stupid can you be?"
Dont know, still exploring that.😁
lol😆😭🤣💜
wanda H 😄
Love the response wanda H,
A+++
Invalivadtion-The grand deflection! OMG! Think I found you just in time to help me manage my parents’ declining years!! Thank you!!!! More on parental need for control and denial of their reality!!!
Yeah, in my family it was, “it’s just Judy” whenever I did something they weren’t happy about. Followed me my whole life.
@@ccdm515 Thank you so much. Blessings.
@@ccdm515 I never thought about narc with this. I know I carried the shame and blame. Still do. Never thought of it as rude but it is so rude. I’m sorry you got that too, but your comments have given me some comfort and I’m very grateful.
How about “You’re too sensitive! Get thicker skin!”
And you didn't have a "sense of humor" --- it's amazing how they excuse themselves. THEY wouldn't tolerate receiving what they dish out, I bet.
@@painteroflove Oh yes, heard that one too! And “Geez, touchy, touchy!” coupled with an eye roll if you call them out on it.
"HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE"