How Do Kids Become Narcissists? - Sam Vaknin

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  • Опубликовано: 22 окт 2024

Комментарии • 138

  • @SheepishWilly
    @SheepishWilly 2 года назад +274

    In 60 seconds this guy explains what 10,000 hours worth of other channels' content fails to.

    • @rabinraj15
      @rabinraj15 2 года назад +7

      Nice one 👍🏽

    • @James-wj8eq
      @James-wj8eq Год назад +2

      Definately.

    • @willcampbell6259
      @willcampbell6259 Год назад +4

      ​​@@James-wj8eq 60 seconds, and the riddle is solved. Despite not agreeing with much of their approach, waves and waves of gratitude for these two men for their hard work here.

    • @NARCDELUSION
      @NARCDELUSION Год назад +7

      This is the reason, narcissists are their core are blank, it's empty.

    • @zed6095
      @zed6095 Год назад +2

      I feel so weird, hanging on his every word, but every word makes total sense. Every word is a revelation -- I went from being a total narcissist 'victim' to now, I am searching everywhere for a way to help my sister. I don't think I can but I can try. I don't know how yet. But the answers are probably in here. I ran away , and now I wonder, can I do any help ? And should I even try? The work continues. :)

  • @henriettamoody9085
    @henriettamoody9085 Год назад +80

    When you start to calculate those numbers we are literally surround by billions of individuals that are stuck in narcissism.

    • @BEazy234
      @BEazy234 Год назад +11

      Ya, but some way more severe than others

    • @mountain10
      @mountain10 Год назад +1

      Yup

  • @zweisteinya
    @zweisteinya 8 месяцев назад +20

    Great explanation. So every kindergarten kid should be in therapy in Narcissistic America

  • @storminateacup9791
    @storminateacup9791 11 месяцев назад +19

    I could never understand why I felt I had a third child, I used to joke about it, when in essence I was.

  • @unamel4282
    @unamel4282 2 года назад +36

    He is amazing. He makes so clear points ✨

  • @QX-xq5uj
    @QX-xq5uj 7 месяцев назад +12

    My Ex was over 50 years old as I went NO-contact and he must have dissociated and objectified his mother, but it always seemed very strange to me that his voice changed every time he called her "mommy". It always sounded like a little boy in need!😢

    • @olgasampis9745
      @olgasampis9745 2 месяца назад

      That my ex…the both talk like girls

  • @artmocha9901
    @artmocha9901 6 месяцев назад +2

    Makes sense.

  • @andrewkowalski3976
    @andrewkowalski3976 Год назад +3

    This goes a long way in understanding how we can be partly individuated and flip from existing in the unindividuated mindset one moment to existing in an empowering state of individuation the next moment. When we can first identify and experience the individuated state within ourselves we have a trajectory and a goal to work towards to gain sufficient traction in the empowerment we can stay there all the time instead of bouncing between the two.

  • @louisegarner8888
    @louisegarner8888 2 года назад +27

    Latest research shows object constancy exists in some babies from 3.5-5 months age with most reaching it by 10-24 mths.
    Good enough mothering naturally has some slight absences that foster delayed gratification and the infant's self efficacy in self soothing.
    There's methods we can use at any age to "rupture and repair" the individual experiencing splitting in a self controlled manner if they're encouraged to see the value of putting in the effort needed consistently. This can be achieved by guiding a child through many and various examples of recognising persons and objects in and out of view and in various states. A mother can gently switch between various emotional states and return to neutral or play hide and seek type games using objects and mirror work. Mothers would need to use good, safe, eye contact, words, tone, actions and consistency in nurturing care and routines for the most part to build or repair the bond and attachment in a healthier manner.
    Adults can write a list of what they like, love and value about those closest to them, learn it by heart, carry it with them and refer to it when triggered to split to seeing the other as all bad. It helps to have the other do this as well and be patient, take turns listening, and be supportive in working through issues such as fear of abandonment, cheating, or whatever opinions, actions and perspectives are triggering a negative response to encourage increased self and other awareness, develop resilience in frustration/stressor tolerance and moderate emotional lability.
    If it's all too good and veering towards fantasy then reverse it a tad at a time towards reality and more neutral and moderate.
    Add a strong "why" you're doing it such as to be a better parent or partner and write up a list of alternate actions to take as well such as when angry to stop, breathe, calm down before communicating by going outdoors, exercising, taking a shower, punching a pillow, etc., allowing time to think things through so commmunication is more responsive than reactive. Just a few thoughts, thanks for inspiring. 💞

    • @asingleton8295
      @asingleton8295 Год назад +1

      @louisegarner8888 thanks for taking the time to share these techniques, which add plenty of hope. most therapists say this can't be reversed, but there has to be a way if the commitment is there. this is invaluable.

    • @enraged1584
      @enraged1584 Год назад +1

      @@asingleton8295this isn’t to reverse it. You cannot reverse it. These are tips for parents raising children

    • @asingleton8295
      @asingleton8295 Год назад +5

      @enraged1584 hello enraged. I went back and read her passage and it does say "rupture and repair" but feel free to interpret that as you will. It does also seem that most of the techniques she spells out are for children, but there are a few for adults. You know how there are paraplegics who are told they will never walk again and through their determination they become marathon runners? Never let someone else tell you what can and cannot be done. There may not be a method today, but that may be your life's calling. I believe this can be solved, yes, though I don't understand everything right now and I don't have any reason to. But, then again, I'm one of those people who was told I had a life expectancy of 2 years over a decade ago and here I stand today. To God be the glory. The body can achieve what the mind can conceive on a spiritual journey led by God. Overcoming denial is half the battle. God bless!

    • @enraged1584
      @enraged1584 Год назад +1

      @@asingleton8295 that does not cure the disorder

    • @mariemiles7287
      @mariemiles7287 Год назад +2

      Wow. Is it similar with borderline personality disorder? I have this and have worked to turn my life around, but at the age of 4, I remember sitting on the stairs crying and thinking, what am I going to do, I cant escape these people, and I remember thinking that my dad wasn't as bad as my mum, so in my head, to survive, I made dad all good and mom all bad, I split them x

  • @KarpucMotoring
    @KarpucMotoring 2 года назад +21

    Is there a link to the full interview? Thanks for your content!!

    • @organichuman
      @organichuman Год назад

      Shadowbanned replies?

    • @KarpucMotoring
      @KarpucMotoring Год назад

      @@organichuman huh?

    • @balanceskateboarding8807
      @balanceskateboarding8807 Год назад +1

      I wanna see whole interview

    • @SweetEssie
      @SweetEssie Год назад +1

      ​@@KarpucMotoringThere were 5 replies, but when you click, there's now only 3. 2 replies are shadowbanned

    • @1truthseeking8
      @1truthseeking8 Год назад

      ​@@SweetEssiethe isolation of millions of devices that Klaus Schwab talked about - truth is a virus. Independent thoughy is a virus...those contagions must be contained... a type of cyber pandemic..and there are going to be the other types too...

  • @elenalatici9568
    @elenalatici9568 2 года назад +26

    What constitutes a failure at this stage? So if there's a failure at this stage a person is doomed to being a narcissist for life? That's kind of hopeless.

    • @napalmsticks6494
      @napalmsticks6494 2 года назад +19

      welcome to psychology, spoiler alert: there is never a cure

    • @alextomlinson
      @alextomlinson 2 года назад +7

      @@napalmsticks6494 bUt WhAt AbOuT tHeRaPy

    • @alextomlinson
      @alextomlinson Год назад +7

      @@agnosticevolutionist3567 more like ALL of the clusters, as they each manifest as & when in the individual as a pathological maladaptive defence mechanism to external stressors

    • @kvega3112
      @kvega3112 Год назад +4

      I think it is important for me to say that developing self awareness and independence with good timing will promote self work on the symptoms of these disorders. Change can only come from within

    • @BlackCoffeeee
      @BlackCoffeeee Год назад +6

      Yup. If there's a failure at this crucial stage then it's game over for life. These babies are never allowed to individuate and become a separate identity. They walk around with a big empty space inside where an individual should be. It can never be fixed.

  • @1amber8cherie7
    @1amber8cherie7 Год назад +12

    Can narcissistism be passed down? I don't want my boy to be like his father but he is just like his dad & it worries me so much

    • @Nabbie128
      @Nabbie128 Год назад +12

      No. Narcissist are made not born.

    • @hajirachandlay
      @hajirachandlay 8 месяцев назад +2

      Read to him books of good men.Every child knows and aspires to goodness.

    • @ArchAngel435
      @ArchAngel435 3 месяца назад +1

      Teach him self awareness.

  • @hajerm
    @hajerm Год назад +30

    Huh? I didn’t understand what exactly fails once the child separates from “mummy”… what are some examples of what fails that keeps them stuck in that narcissistic phase?

    • @allyjay7395
      @allyjay7395 Год назад

      Neglect and abuse. Anything that improperly socializes them so they never learn to process emotions or conscience or empathy.

    • @FriedaTheFowl
      @FriedaTheFowl Год назад +15

      If mommy is unable to launch the child as an individual by around age 4, the child adopts a persona instead of becoming a unique person.

    • @1truthseeking8
      @1truthseeking8 Год назад +8

      ​@@FriedaTheFowlfirst born/idol of the family...
      Baby of the family/golden child...
      The middle child sometimes escapes this by being the scapegoat and working out how to recover growing up as a Codependent/mommy's little helper/protector/class clown of the family

    • @FriedaTheFowl
      @FriedaTheFowl Год назад +3

      @@1truthseeking8 yes, typical dynamic. Some of us grow up in multiple roles in blended families or even as only children lol resident scapegoat checking in.

    • @ashainsha
      @ashainsha 11 месяцев назад +3

      My elder sister always jealous of me 2 years apart because my mother got busy with me before she individuated. She hates me to this date for this reason we are 40 years plus age. She still wishes I would die she is upset at me being born. She hates it when other siblings get attached to me or if my parents love me more. I always have to pretend to be a scapegoat so that someone is always there to absorb the blame and rage for something I didn't do. Hope it helps. I'm the middle child

  • @notsureyou
    @notsureyou Год назад +30

    I disagree.
    A symbiotic state is one where the 2 are reliant on each other,
    That each could survive without the other, but they would live longer being together.
    The baby is completely dependent at this stage.
    Whilst the mother would be distraught etc if anything were to happen to the baby, she wouldn't die.
    Whereas the baby would literally die if there is no-one to supply it's basic needs.
    I agree that pretty much every child is born a narcissist, but some don't grow out of it for numerous reasons.
    Reasons like:
    - Not having an emotional connection with their parents (and so the relationship doesn't develop, so it remains in the zone of "they are here to provide me with whatever I want", and perhaps manifests into "everyone is here to provide for me")
    - Parents always giving the child what it WANTS
    - Parents not socialising their children, and so they don't learn social skills, or that they need to care about others (things like sharing etc)
    Plus a person can have some traits of a narcissist, and actually be on the Autism spectrum.

    • @therespectedlex9794
      @therespectedlex9794 Год назад +2

      Good thinking, about how the baby is actually treated. But you say no emotional connection, but other needs provided for. Perhaps already emotions are confused, and needs are provided to varying degrees. Perhaps feeding and comforting are even withheld, sometimes.

    • @mkeaccount4489
      @mkeaccount4489 Год назад

      Even though a narcissist lacks empathy couldnt he or she pretend to care about someone by sharing

    • @notsureyou
      @notsureyou Год назад

      @@mkeaccount4489 as a baby / young child I would say no.
      As they get older and learn to mask, yes.
      But I think that it is generally only when other people would notice the act.

    • @jinx2100
      @jinx2100 11 месяцев назад +1

      I know in psychology a mother/mother figure can often refer to a something more of a primary care giver. And I can see where this theory is coming from, but like with the theories about childhood development, it is still a theory. I think you are right, but I still find the idea of this theory quite interesting. It might also be a fair point to back the idea that both parties are somewhat reliant on each other. Neurotransmitters that are released for the primary care giver very much change the mentality, and priorities of the parent, so there may be a fair bit of mental dependency?

    • @aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470
      @aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 7 месяцев назад +1

      Wrong. Check the actual spectrum. Hint: it's not autism.

  • @DarinkaH1984
    @DarinkaH1984 Год назад +3

    Where can i find the whole interview?

  • @hajerm
    @hajerm Год назад +12

    But how about other types of narcissism ? Such as cultural narcissism? Many men who come from patriarchal societies display a lot of narcissistic traits. Where t
    Do they fit in here?

  • @naty_froggy
    @naty_froggy 11 месяцев назад +2

    Still kinda devastated like I know my dad is a narcissist but idk how this is fair to people for abusive moms that abandon their babies for them to become narcissistic, makes me wonder what happens to the babies in foster care

    • @ArchAngel435
      @ArchAngel435 3 месяца назад

      I never did meet my in-laws but I'm told they were good people. So I'm at a loss to understand how or why my ex turned out to be a grandiose narcissist. Undiagnosed but nonetheless. His older brother too has narc traits, failed relationships. My ex, now 64 is into his 3rd relationship, a former divorce client he made rich on alimony won through blackmail. Left me after 25 yrs of abuse.

  • @sanjmalik6282
    @sanjmalik6282 Год назад +5

    So it is the mother's fault or is it the child that he or she can't separate. Why does the failure happen

    • @kvega3112
      @kvega3112 Год назад +5

      A baby needs social guidance. If a mother fails to drive or incourage independence in their child by firstly not recognizing it then she is failing as a mother. I don’t think narcissists are unchanging and I believe mothers can learn to parent better as well

    • @enraged1584
      @enraged1584 Год назад +2

      It can be both, or just the mothers fault. The child CAN have mental difficulties that make it HARDER for the mother to be a “good enough” mother

    • @sanjmalik6282
      @sanjmalik6282 Год назад

      Thank you for your replies, it makes sense

    • @cinsifrit9860
      @cinsifrit9860 Год назад

      ​@@enraged1584lmao what?

    • @patriciagaskins5732
      @patriciagaskins5732 4 месяца назад +1

      ​I didn't have any guidance as a child and I didn't become a Narcissist, I was the opposite always looking for someone to love me .

  • @BobSmith-kd4oc
    @BobSmith-kd4oc Год назад +9

    I know many women who like to overlay their own sons. Sad

    • @educatedassassinps4746
      @educatedassassinps4746 Год назад +3

      What do you mean by overlay?

    • @BobSmith-kd4oc
      @BobSmith-kd4oc Год назад +9

      @@educatedassassinps4746 train them up to be a son husband

    • @hajerm
      @hajerm Год назад

      I don’t follow

    • @educatedassassinps4746
      @educatedassassinps4746 Год назад +8

      @@BobSmith-kd4oc Emotional incest.. So sick. So sad.
      Thank God everything is being exposed and people are becoming aware. 🙏

    • @kvega3112
      @kvega3112 Год назад +4

      @@educatedassassinps4746 to be honest I am glad more people are talking about it too

  • @janeleigh731
    @janeleigh731 Год назад +2

    What are the failures though? Trying to work out what made my ex husband a narcissist.

    • @cinsifrit9860
      @cinsifrit9860 Год назад

      Mothers need to calm down the kid and love them. İf they do something else basicly child fails to seperate and individuate.
      Children have intense emotions, you are basicly programming them at that age when they emote. İf you challenge the objectification of "mommy", his dichotomous like thinking fails. These disorders are culture bound disorders. America is an individualist society, if you fail that part when you were a child, you are f'ed.

    • @jent6476
      @jent6476 День назад

      His mom did it. He wont be able to see it though, because his development has been stunted

  • @Littlecatsanctuary
    @Littlecatsanctuary 4 месяца назад

    Is this the same talk where he explains how a child becomes a borderline?

  • @NONONannette
    @NONONannette 3 месяца назад

    Is failure to individuate from the mother, in this model, a result of trauma?

  • @Spaniardsoldier
    @Spaniardsoldier Год назад +6

    bro, not for life. there is hope for me haha

    • @sohara....
      @sohara.... 11 месяцев назад +1

      Yes, there's lots of possibilities ... opportunities to heal trauma ... and possibly develop inner warmth &
      wellbeing (spiritual methods worked fir me)
      By way:
      If you reply, I may not see it. When I de-installed RUclips and then a couple of weeks later, re-installed it, they stopped sending notifications to my email address.
      Best of luck with the journey.

  • @EriPages
    @EriPages Месяц назад

    Wait, hold on. What is the cause of the failure of individuation after age 18 months?
    What is the behaviour that causes the failure there?

  • @ceebe1964
    @ceebe1964 2 месяца назад

    Ya tho theres no explaination of how failure can happen...

  • @TheBSScience
    @TheBSScience Год назад

    How this separation fails?

  • @rongamache6402
    @rongamache6402 Месяц назад

    I have to disagree. I grew up with a dad that was hardly there, very indifferent to us kids and was the punisher. Mom was basically the same thing only worse. With that being said I went the other way and became an empath instead

  • @Timebend2025
    @Timebend2025 Год назад

    I see now.....😢

  • @sarahkitz6901
    @sarahkitz6901 Год назад +41

    This fails to explain why narcissists need to go around hurting and taking pleasure in others' pain, which is a choice for they carefully hide this at will.

    • @NARCDELUSION
      @NARCDELUSION Год назад +40

      Insecurity, jealousy, envy, hate, resentment, lack of empathy, failure of self control.

    • @sv-yh3mq
      @sv-yh3mq Год назад +12

      I think it is creepy and weird that they like to do that to others and watch it play out.
      They violate terms of use, and get taken out of the way-

    • @NARCDELUSION
      @NARCDELUSION Год назад +18

      @@sv-yh3mq Gets them attention, too. Anything is way better than nothing.

    • @kvega3112
      @kvega3112 Год назад +13

      I think these people don’t fully know how else to be and don’t have an authentic self esteem to drive the importance of actually working on developing healthy connections

    • @AM-hh2jb
      @AM-hh2jb Год назад +30

      Because the primary caregiver was idealized. So we're you. They see themselves only through you. They take on your initial self they idolized. But it still isn't a true sense of self for them so they envy you, for having a self and a personality, and emotions they don't. So they deflect their own insecurities and rage at you. Tell you to change. And you get more and more confused and down.
      They are reenacting that infant process with every attachment they try to make. They were not able to be Individuized from their mother properly. Which was the first ever relationship they had.
      Ao without supply, or a partner or another "mother" there is a little underdeveloped scared kid in there. So you become their mother or father and they are stuck in this loop of reenacting this game.
      Personality disorders are bad because they are the foundation of it.all. things like depression, anxiety etc all rest a layer on top of personality. If they "lose" the facade they are left with a broken person. These people are one of the most demented humans I've ever encountered. Get away

  • @therespectedlex9794
    @therespectedlex9794 Год назад

    Less than 18 months, or even 4 years seems too early.

  • @tyem9752
    @tyem9752 Год назад +2

    Damn so I’m stuck like this

  • @latinalife2458
    @latinalife2458 4 дня назад

    Yeah I can see that the ass devil called me mama ! Even though when were in a brink of divorce !
    But why the evil planing and the manipulation of I love you but when you turn they look at you discuss .
    I admire how he could fake it for 17 years
    I can’t stay silent or pretend .
    Now I tell him with my body and soul how much I hate him.
    It’s funny to see him staring like … from the distance. Maybe in his stupid mind saying why she hates me so much !
    I did nothing .

  • @cinsifrit9860
    @cinsifrit9860 3 месяца назад

    7:00

  • @leahflower9924
    @leahflower9924 Год назад

    Norman

  • @dime7612
    @dime7612 Год назад

    What a codependents? Did we get stuck too?

    • @CheezhOfficial
      @CheezhOfficial Год назад

      No we are only codependent because there's someone in our life who enables us to be like this.

  • @jnnx
    @jnnx Год назад +4

    NO MORE RICHARD GRANNON NOW FOREVER!

  • @thewokefindergeneral7631
    @thewokefindergeneral7631 2 года назад +10

    Pretty sure he's saying "mummy" not "Mommy"

    • @ambelong1
      @ambelong1 2 года назад +18

      In England and Australia we say Mummy

    • @chelleyd4020
      @chelleyd4020 Год назад

      It’s mam or mammy in scotland

    • @jnnx
      @jnnx Год назад

      General, you have just been demoted.

    • @uyoebyik
      @uyoebyik Год назад

      Only Americans say mommy

    • @hajerm
      @hajerm Год назад

      In Canada we say mummy

  • @OnsKleinGezinnetje
    @OnsKleinGezinnetje 4 месяца назад

    Is this his opinion or is this peer reviewed facts?

  • @carol-us4xn
    @carol-us4xn Год назад

    Too damn bad?.

  • @NARCDELUSION
    @NARCDELUSION Год назад +4

    Still can't tell the difference between self and mommy after 18 months ??! No, the separation happens much earlier for most babies.

    • @ciaomamabella
      @ciaomamabella Год назад

      -Said every corrupt Lawyer, to every judge that’s against every mother, whos fighting to keep her kid from a tyrannical narc father.
      It happened to me too.
      Yes, the self individualism comes MUCH later than “babies”. Try more like 3 years. The psychologist is being modest.
      Check where you got your info from.

  • @Mary-lk8eq
    @Mary-lk8eq 5 месяцев назад +1

    Richard I love 95% of your content & i love 95% of the content in a book called MEDICAL APARTIED.I get a little confused.With all this information,along with MANY personal unauthorized medical experiments experiences,
    my mind ALSO bends in OTHER possible origin AREAS. Ex. Has anyone ever entertain the origins of births in *hospitals (iv's)
    ,(billions of people hit the hospitals 1st),heavy metal
    s,flawed prenatal or placebo pills,no folic acid(brain development). Also GENETICS seems to be overlooked,a lot. Ive heard people say hes just like our great, great, great grandfather. Maybe, CHEMTRAILS(airplanes) sprayed lines of (?) all over the world. I see it weekly.
    Retired truck drivers I've talked to, says they never saw this when working.
    How about *COVID which affects the BRAIN(Insular cortex), GATE keeper of EMPATY,&LOVE.Does any of this have solidity, to consider,because I've seen families with #10 children,
    ALL are normal& is raised by the same parents, but (1)is a Holy hell Narc,& they don't understand why he's that way.Lastly,since,
    these people are SO EVIL&
    shared fantasy exist, why can't demonic spiritual ENTITIES EXIST too?It seems anything is possibe.