Having a child with ODD feels like a trap. I have a child who follows the rules, enjoys helping, knows and cares about right and wrong, has empathy is the biggest one, and 1 child whose older that has boarder line conduct disorder but diagnosed ODD. I feel like I live in a bi-polar world with a children who are polar opposite. It negatively effects their sibling who has to suffer the side effects of this disorder who now has anxiety. You've said before you can't teach empathy.
I feel for you, Felicia. I have one explosive child and one who is easier to parent and the explosive one really has a big impact on the whole family. I often feel like doing the right thing for one is the exact opposite of what the other child needs.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV my 11 year olds witnessed a lot of arguments from me and his dad we are really working on this and being peaceful as expected he struggles with his behaviour and responses can I fix this damage or is it too late ? Thankyou for everything you do 🙂
I appreciated your comment about catching kids doing good things to praise them for. Not a parent but I was in charge of caring for CSEC youth in a facility. I didn't have much good to offer them for good behavior, and now looking back I wish I praised them more. Thank you for this video.
Thank you so much for these tips! My 9 year old recently had been calling my bluff on consequences and I have found your past tips on giving them choices has really helped in resolving the issue between us.
Oh wow I needed this more than you even know. Great parenting tip: listen to one of these everyday. Even when you are the most amazing and patient parent; it is always great to try to improve.
Thank you so much!! I just started watching your videos and this one really caught my attention. I had all the above. My inconsistency and mood really affect my parenting....I hope to really put these tips to work. I have 15 yo son, 12 yo son and 10 yo daughter. They all have very different personalities.
I have a 5 year old and she does not respond or learn from consequences. My husband and I always follow through with our cause and effect parenting. If we tell her, “if you break this toy, I will take your toys away” she will break it and I will take every single toy out of her room and keep it away for 24 hours. Then when she gets them back immediately does the same thing. I ask her to clean her room and I will stand there and watch her and she absolutely refuses to do what we ask regardless of praise for following directions or rewards for doing a good job, or a punishment for NOT doing what we ask. We make sure she has wholesome and educational activities and we talk about feelings and I spend all day with her but she purposefully breaks things and will do the exact same behaviors over and over and she knows what the consequences are and she just doesn’t mind when we punish her. We have tried all and every strategy we can, we’ve had her in therapy for over a year and ended up having to report the therapist to the board because she started to outright ignore our calls and made the comment that she could not “fix” my child, most likely because I was in desperation of help and I may have been frustrated when she couldn’t give me a reason why my daughter shows these behaviors. She’s been diagnosed with ODD, but she shows absolutely no remorse, no type of emotion period unless it effects her directly. She tried to hurt her 2 year old brother and has a complete disregard for other people’s things. I’m at a loss and I have no idea what to do. We have been on both ends of the spectrum, all the way from constructive punishments to the harshest punishments and we are always consistent with following through with what we say but she just absolutely does not care. She has a lack of feelings and she lies about everything she does. I really need help because I’m losing my mind here... She also acts like she doesn’t understand what we ask of her but I know she does she just pretends she doesn’t purposefully to try to get on our nerves and we let her know that we see through her manipulation. I know that because she will act completely normal at other times when she isn’t trying to lie about something that she’s done. She knows for a fact that I make a really big deal about it if she’s doing good and listening but we have had gifts for her that she was supposed to get when she has shown good behavior, just for ONE DAY and they’ve been collecting dust for 5 months now... she has no interest in rewards OR discipline. She just does as she wants even after consequences and it doesn’t make a difference what we do.
If you need some individualized help, reach out for some counseling or family coaching. www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall is a great place to start.
I took away my child’s toys and she had to earn them back (she strangled a kid … after 4 days of consequences) and she just sat there like she didn’t care. I ignored it. And then during a consequence this week, she freaked because she thought her toys were going to get taken. So I guess it did work. After she earned her toys back, we role played about bullying and hurting people! And how it’s not okay and it can hurt people’s feelings and bodies.
I have only watched 3 of your vids (so far) and I've never been more enlightened on these behavior topics...tyvm!!! please keep the advice and info. coming...:D
High quality content. You are different because you go a lot deeper than short term solutions to solve the problems many parents face with their kids. Brilliant.
I was this kid 😅I feel like its quite an unusual topic, and it's good to finally have some insight into why I might have been that way. If I was sufficiently determined, only the threat of violence was enough for me. If my parents enforced some other adverse consequence, my mindset was just "ok, I'll endure it. its better than doing the X thing". It's what concerns me the most about (potentially) becoming a parent. I would like to do a better job than they did. How could I enforce a proportionate consequence if I know that if I was in the childs shoes, I would disregard it? 🤔 I like the illusion of choice approach, but I wonder how long that works for. I've seen clever kids absolutely finesse poorly prepared adults 😅
Sounds like you aren't poorly prepared, but will know what is happening in your kid's head. Don't overthink it and develop a healthy relationship early on. That does away with a majority of poor behavior.
That’s so true we tried to discipline my girl all the time now she is 12 she says idk .. Her self esteem is gone 0 . I learning so much from these video but whatever I am applying is not working … she is extremely angry with me… she hates me … push me out of her room … and hits me … the word she use is I despise you… ..for me to have her was not normal pregnancy…. I gone through 6 years of treatment to get pregnant… Lots of things went wrong …god bless her and help me so I can help her …
drama, back up a bit and show her love. Develop some more positive feelings toward one another before you start applying any consequences. Show her you will love her no matter what and even if.
Thank you for all of your great videos. I’ve learned so much through watching them. I have a question regarding this topic. What would you suggest if a parent is very consistent in following through with consequences.....the child is upset about the consequence when serving it but as soon as the punishment is served will go right back to doing the same offense. In this case picking on little brother and saying very unkind things......affecting said younger brothers confidence and self worth. He doesn’t seem to learn from the consequences. (I should mention this child is diagnosed with ASD (very high functioning) ADD and anxiety)
Kevin, is your child wanting something, like more attention from you? Try to get to the cause. If there isn't one, you can try getting creative and have a step system. The first time he does an action, he gets a consequence. If he repeats the same thing, he gets more time added to the timeout. You might need some one on one coaching since he has some other things going on. This is only general advice.
Hi Kevin, may be your son is looking for attention or love. May be he thinks that you are giving all your attention and love to his younger sibling. There could be small things that you used to do for him when he was younger but stopped doing them because he started to out grow them but started doing them for the younger child. For the parents this is a reasonable thing to do. But the children might not see it that way. But instead they might think that he/she were replaced by their siblings. This might also create unhealthy competition with their younger siblings. If you think this could be the case I would advice you to focus on giving your older child more love and attention and help him to see that he is till special and that he isn't replaced in any way.
My 10 years old doesn't care about anything in his life, not about consequences, school, not about stuff. And he has been that way for his whole life. Threaten to take something away if he doesn't clean up - Don't worry mom, look ill throw it away myself. (yes we left it in the trash 😅) No more games for you - Oh that's fine, I need to go out and play outside more anyway. That is very hard for us as parents, he seems to find everything in his life boring and dull. School, hobbies, sports, other kids, stuff. He doesn't like anything and doesn't have an emotional connection with anything besides a few people and the pets. He is also smart enough that he doesn't need to learn to get an A and he knows that. Same with consequences, he knows they will end in a few weeks and if it doesn't also not a biggy, he will find something else to do. Everything is boring anyway. We took him to a therapist few years ago, but he just didn't open up to her even though he liked her and likes 1 on 1 attention. So she quite on him after a few months. We asked his teacher to talk to him about his attitude, but apparently his opinion doesn't matter either. I think he just is overconfident that everything will work out for him in the end with the least amount of effort and he is very very stubborn. Do you have any tips (besides military school 😉) greeting from the Netherlands
Anne Niem, this sounds like a child who will need to suffer some personal consequences. That means he might need to fail a few times. Let others hold him accountable by having him do things over, miss out on opportunities, etc. Don't save him from the consequences, he needs to experience them.
Winta Wonderufael, sometimes with kids it isn't about age, but about the stage they are at. I go through that in a few of the videos so keep watching. Thank you.
They both see a psychiatrist and therapist for mental illness and take medication but it still hasn't lead up. I'm seeking out more help because I feel so lost with my children. I know that I should enjoy them but it's hard when their always fighting one another or against us.
Gloria Winkelmann, try to find things that you love with each of your daughters and spend some time with them individually. Model for them what you want to see from them.
Yes true she going through depression …I am starting seeing seeing physiologist …that’s will help her …can you suggest what could be my role during this time.
My 9 yr old grand daughter is so hooked on electronics she doesn't want to do homework, lies she did it since her school does online then throws tantrums like a 5 ye old and stands in the corner for hours screaming
redwoodsgal, I would not allow electronics during the week at all and let her know why. Her screaming fits are not ok and she won't have access at all if she continues.
I need help! I have a 14 yr old daughter and a 7yr old daughter. My 14 yr old is addicted to her phone,has trauma and ADHD(recently diagnosed) same for me. My 14yr old just sits on her phone and doesn't do anything else. Its my fault, mostly. Bcuz I HV never been consistent! Can I help n encourage, better yet, is it possible to regain my positive parenting at 14? If so, how? I literally need step by step guidance - she's jus starting counseling today, FINALLY! She definitely has anxiety/depression & is being treated thru medication. We hv lots of loss in our life in last 3yrs and we moved last may, along with my husband and I having the most toxic season ever in 9yrs of marriage. Also, bio dad has kind of dropped off n out of her life over last 2yrs too. Didn't even call on her bday this year. Ugh, I'm beyond desperate -PLEASE HELP! IM GETTING SCARED THAT I WILL NEVER B ABLE TO REPENT FROM THIS BAD PARENTING.
You definitely can make some changes. Have them turn in their phones when they come home. You can decide if they get it back or if it is done for the evening. Don't let them go to bed with their phones.
I guess most people don't know what it's like to be harshly physically abused sometimes for nothing, sometimes for being a smart ass (controlled by fear, conduct grades, become super shy & introverted, which largely impacted me for the rest of my life, even with the fun of the blessings of knowing I don't have to be stuck with a spouse, among other societal follies).. and again my dad likely had bpd, I have bpd, it's hell man, avoid it at all costs
Hi Dr Paul, great video, I always love your videos. Do you have any videos on how to work with your teenage son in a family business? (For example a construction company) There are many family owned businesses and I see very often the (usually teenage) son thinks he should be treated like a boss and not an employee and it puts a lot of stress on everyone. Maybe ideas for how to humble people like that?? I don’t know... but thanks for any help.
Yes I do! Patience S, give him experience in every department and let him know that he will need to work every job to understand the business. You may want to do some family culture coaching. I have done this for several families where we create a family culture that includes the values the family hold close. info@drpauljenkins.com.
I know I suffered from depression when I was "too young to be depressed" so I know children can be depressed but is 4 years old too young for depression? Can anybody at any age get depressed? What about a "gifted" 4 year old?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you. I've been trying to get others to be more understanding but it's difficult without explanation & we've been waiting months for assessments. He finally has his full neuropsychological assessment next month & i hope they can help explain better what's going on so others will be more understanding & we can know how to help my 4 year old better with some issues. I think maybe he's too smart for some people 😂🤣
Dear friend of mine now mid thirties - high IQ remembers age 4 seeing through a lot of the bs and it’s an existential loneliness - hard to make friends when you see through things and people talk to you like you’re a little kid...just hope knowing this is somewhat helpful.
@@jamiesjoy8 absolutely, thank you! I was very much like my 4 year old as well, they said I was gifted but my family only saw me as "bad". I'm recently learning many "gifted" people can have the same struggles I did so I'm trying to learn more to prevent my son from enduring similar pains as me. I seem to understand him but don't know how to get others to be more understanding & I don't know how to help my son behave more acceptable at times. For now I've been trying my best to keep some distance from such people as much as possible but he will need to start school soon so hopefully we can figure this out quickly... Thank you for chiming in. It sounds like your friend had similar problems as we do
I wish you well. I’ve not corresponded on here much but if there is more help, let me know. Education. Know self and know how to learn. Discover interests and lean into the gifts and/or interests he shows. Wild ride. Find self directed education and twice exceptional/special ed mislabeled due to dyslexia which is not an intelligence issue. I hope this offers some reprieve.
Mine doest say she doesn't care, but once I give chores she won't do them or does an aweful job at the chore or turns around and messes up again to piss me off and give a big excuse that it was an accident, she didn't mean it, it was not on purpose and now she is in trouble again... it never ends
Stay calm and let her know that she will continue doing the chore until it is done to your standard. That might mean missing some activities. Oh, well.
@LiveOnPurposeTV you guys are amazing I am really really great single mom of 10 y & 9 y & 3 & 8 month old baby so I was wishing your videos and I learned a lot even I am great mom but three is something I don't realize before and your videos I can say it's life safever yes. Thank you so much and God bless.
Makalea, have the phone shut off. If you don't have access to the phone, (not your plan), find something else. Turn off the wi-fi to the house, something that you have control over and does not require her cooperation.
Hello. I am struggling so much. I have a 14 year old boy who shows very little respect to anyone, and it’s making his siblings not want to be here anymore. He talks aggressively and goes immediately to that reaction over everything. Then I have a 13 year old daughter who is trying to assert herself, especially with her older brother but it very quickly comes in my own direction. My anxiety immediately skyrockets and in no time we are all fighting, my 9 year old boy is upset that his family isn’t getting along and I end up in tears for the rest of the night. Please help!
Sounds like the family needs to watch some videos and discuss their part in the family dynamics. You may need to figure out what you control and begin to use that to get some cooperation.
What if environmental factors determine different set of rules? Such as allowing my boys to play loud & run when their uncle isn't home or the rules at other houses are more strict than I would choose but I must enforce their rules when there. I'm worried my children may feel I'm inconsistent because I need to enforce other people's rules in their homes. My sons are 3yo & 4yo & the more rules I try to make them follow the more they rebel. I've explained why rules are different in different settings but do you have any ideas how to help them understand better?
I just hate my son’s aggressive behaviors and only wish I had enough money to enroll him to boarding school! For the newly weds if you think having children make you feel complete, think again!
homboy3, reach out to your school and see if they have some suggestions of programs or talk to your pediatrician. Check if your insurance covers any therapy and get some help.
Hi Dr..I have a Q..how we can encourage n convince our teens to study, specially the one can't be persuaded to study My sister is 16, and she just doesn't care about her future..runing her future just by ignoring not studying What should we do? please help Im from Iran n I love your videos, always trying to watch you n lovely Vicky
Thank you, Zahra Tara, I am not sure what there is in your control to do. What does your sister like to do? I am not sure what opportunities are open to her. Is there something else she could do beside getting good grades? I am not sure if she is up for the challenge. Maybe she could be a store owner or work in another sector? Just not familiar with the culture enough to speak knowledgeably.
What If you're child just listens to everyone else and not mom and screams and screams until he gets his way?? I want my child to respect me and listen I need help!
Tristan Ostman, you may need some one on one coaching. You can get in touch with one of our coaches to find out what we offer at www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
My three year old does timeouts with a smile. He would rather not have the privilege/toy/snack if it means he has to change his behavior or respond to a request.
I have a question and I am really stressed about my son he has no remorse when he is naughty and 3times he would walk outside of his kindy even with the teacher asking him to stop he grins and runs away this is stressing me a lot he knows it’s dangerous but goes ahead and does it anyway 😢
nimoh mims, I don't know what is causing this. Have you or the school counselor talked to him and explained the dangers of doing this? Talk to him much more than you would other kids about feelings and point out what you are feeling when it is a big emotion and try to get him to open up.
Can you give some advise on the opposite effect? What if the teen becomes increasing agitated, screaming, violent, if punished? (Ie, you were an hour late for curfew so no car today)
Hello! I really need your help. I have a nephew. He is 3 years old. He has a ten months old sister who loves him dearly and wants to hug him or play with him. He does not stop hitting her. We never have used violence in our home and whole family is child centric. He still gets the attention he always had and evrryone loves him dearly and spends time with him morethan baby sister. Today he hit her eye with a lollypop stick all of a sudden and she has scarred eye. We tried rewarding or telling consequences. He does not care at all. His parents just take away the sister when she is crying with pain when he hits her and that is it. Or if they tell him to not do it he does not care and hits them too. I being an aunt cannot do anything as no one wants anyone talk about their kids behaviour but that ten months kid has a wounded eye and it hurts me to see her crying everytime he hits her (bad hitting including hitting with heavy objects). Anyone please suggest what should be done? We tried it all. To tell him its bad, it hurts and all. For himself he cries even at small stuff like I want to throw water everywhere and if you say no he will cry or hit etc. Please help.
@@Almay20 Honestly not better since his parents would not let him realize he is doing wrong. I just gave up amd stopped asking them to let him not hurt his sister. But for the time being I was with him he did stop hitting her and I did nothing as mentioned above but I actuall tried spending time with them both together. I gave them similar snacks and similar gadgets and slowly let him know that she deserves ame stuff like him and he hasthe same so he should not be angry or jealoused. He called me when I came back and said when will you come. I like spending time with you. Come over and spend similar time.with me and my sister but I can not stay there forever and then I went back few days ago for a function and saw his behavior coming bac and he was mean to her and everyone else. It all depends. You must spend time with your kids nicely andlet them see yor actions. Unfortunately his parents' appraoch is different. If you need a suggestion. Then just let your kid know its wrong and never allow them to hit their sibblins but never corrext him in crowd in a waywhich could be insulting to him or her. Always watch and read stories that have good moral lessons and give them similar attention, toys and appreciation. You will see results.
My partner just said to our children "You are both so selfish". What can I do, my partner is very difficult to talk to. I don't think the children are selfish.
Lancaster Southway, You might want to do some work with a therapist with you and your partner, or just you alone. You need to find ways to talk and communicate to get to the bottom of this. Why does your partner think the kids are selfish? How are they defining the word?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you for understanding and giving such a well thought through reply. I'm not in a position to work with a therapist but I'm trying to look through other live on purpose videos to see how to communicate with my partner. If it were ever possible for you to do a video about how to deal with a selfish child, I might be able to send that to my partner. Thanks for all the useful videos.
My son is 7 with autism are barely on the Spectrum even though they rated him number two LOL, anyway how do I get them to be motivated to develop is written and reading skills? Excuse the grammar that's Google voice to text translator LOL
Jack v, I am not sure where you live, talk to the school about any special reading programs. Read to him everyday and they have programs on line that read to kids. Engage him with the stories, asking questions, etc. You can write stories with him. If it is something he likes, he will be more inclined to write and read.
I have a legal question and can’t afford a lawyer to help answer it. You seem pretty knowledgeable so thought I might ask? Just need a second opinion really
Love the videos guys, keep up the great work. Although as a single father that lives alone with two children, one with separation anxiety behaviour disorder. boy aged 12 and girl aged 13 with autism spectrum level 1 I am finding it extremely hard to get my wonderfully unique tag team on board with some of the content of your video especially around bed time and going to school time. Any advice from you guys would be like gold dust to me to sprinkle on my two little pixies.
Is there some reward you can offer them that would propel them toward bed and school? Also, if they have trouble getting out of the house on time then maybe they have to be woken up earlier and therefore have an earlier bedtime. Play around with it and see what works.
My girls are 10 and 12. They will be sent to their rooms when their grounded but then they start screaming and yelling at me why do you hate me so much and I'll respond that I don't hate you but it never stops. Then they'll start banging on the walls. HELP ME THEY DONT GIVE UP
This did just not hit the mark for me. Some kids absolutely do not care about consequences and this does not have another idea. I must say that I was disappointed there was no other alternative given other than depression. This is a traditional consequences/punishment model and it does not work for every kid.
Yes, you can find out everything we offer at www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall and speak with one of our coaches at no cost or you can email my assistant at info@drpauljenkins.com. I have limited spots for coaching individuals.
do we have the right to take their phone away for punishment? if so, how so we get it from them when they wont give it and will physically fight you for it!!!
Heres a theory, Spanking! Seemed to work the last 70 years, but let parents feel bad about not being able to communicate to their 5 year old through talking about feelings and college degree advise 😢 wtf how about kids being less entitled and being grateful for what they have not what they dont!
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I’m sorry I really have to give more context in my msg’s. Seems you’re still using behaviourism in psychology while universities still largely praise it as a benefit despite the fact it’s been disproved many times since the 70’s by Dr.Edward Deci’s intrinsic motivation model. Many decades ago hostage negotiators stopped trying to scare the terrorists realizing it just wasn’t working adopting the use of labels to get the terrorists choosing to say they’re walking out the bank in minutes, one example where a life had been priced at 10,Million they got him out in months. While me n my friends have suffered for decades, like many addicts suffer for years only to be blamed by therapists for not working hard enough to get the help we needed like we didn’t ask hard, long or loud enough. Blaming the paranoid who don’t trust anyone for refusing to get hurt by another therapist despite the therapists often blame the addict for being hurt by the therapists. Like while I could not remember my name or DOB a therapist was trying to make me tell her how much better I felt as she’s taught the last impression is a lasting impression though in negotiations they know it could be as short as asking the terrorist to say “good bye.”
If the father keeps the child from the mother for 2 years Indian list of child go to the mothers but the child doesn't want to go back to the father's does the mother have to make the child go back
please don't ever stop putting out content, they're SO valuable! i'm learning a lot and i go back to them so often i even take notes, literally😭❤️
Thank you for your support, honored to be on your team.
I agree. I am not a parent but he shares principles that are good even when dealing with people.
K
Having a child with ODD feels like a trap. I have a child who follows the rules, enjoys helping, knows and cares about right and wrong, has empathy is the biggest one, and 1 child whose older that has boarder line conduct disorder but diagnosed ODD. I feel like I live in a bi-polar world with a children who are polar opposite. It negatively effects their sibling who has to suffer the side effects of this disorder who now has anxiety. You've said before you can't teach empathy.
Felicia, every child comes in a personalized package. Hang in there.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV do children who lack empathy have some sort of similar neurological markers or indications?
Keep on keeping on!
I would protect the other child from the abusive one.
I feel for you, Felicia. I have one explosive child and one who is easier to parent and the explosive one really has a big impact on the whole family. I often feel like doing the right thing for one is the exact opposite of what the other child needs.
Was praying for this video to come! Thank you 🙏
You are so welcome, Nessa.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV my 11 year olds witnessed a lot of arguments from me and his dad we are really working on this and being peaceful as expected he struggles with his behaviour and responses can I fix this damage or is it too late ? Thankyou for everything you do 🙂
I appreciated your comment about catching kids doing good things to praise them for. Not a parent but I was in charge of caring for CSEC youth in a facility. I didn't have much good to offer them for good behavior, and now looking back I wish I praised them more. Thank you for this video.
Best Bug, my pleasure.
Thank you so much for these tips! My 9 year old recently had been calling my bluff on consequences and I have found your past tips on giving them choices has really helped in resolving the issue between us.
Wonderful! Glad it is helpful for you, Kristina.
I took good notes and will try ot out today. Thank you!!
Let us know how it goes.
Oh wow I needed this more than you even know. Great parenting tip: listen to one of these everyday. Even when you are the most amazing and patient parent; it is always great to try to improve.
K8YK, I think it is instinctual, to want to do better.
Thank you so much!! I just started watching your videos and this one really caught my attention. I had all the above. My inconsistency and mood really affect my parenting....I hope to really put these tips to work. I have 15 yo son, 12 yo son and 10 yo daughter. They all have very different personalities.
You are so welcome! Remember, you are the mother your children need.
I grew up.in the '60's and few people seemed to know about this psychology. Keep it coming!
No plans to stop, thank you.
Your method is the only thing that has had any sort of success with my kids. You guys are spot on!
Thank you, please share away with anyone else you know who could benefit from watching. We want to make the parent's job easier.
Invaluable food for thought. Thankyou Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins
We are honored to be on your team.
I have a 5 year old and she does not respond or learn from consequences. My husband and I always follow through with our cause and effect parenting. If we tell her, “if you break this toy, I will take your toys away” she will break it and I will take every single toy out of her room and keep it away for 24 hours. Then when she gets them back immediately does the same thing. I ask her to clean her room and I will stand there and watch her and she absolutely refuses to do what we ask regardless of praise for following directions or rewards for doing a good job, or a punishment for NOT doing what we ask. We make sure she has wholesome and educational activities and we talk about feelings and I spend all day with her but she purposefully breaks things and will do the exact same behaviors over and over and she knows what the consequences are and she just doesn’t mind when we punish her. We have tried all and every strategy we can, we’ve had her in therapy for over a year and ended up having to report the therapist to the board because she started to outright ignore our calls and made the comment that she could not “fix” my child, most likely because I was in desperation of help and I may have been frustrated when she couldn’t give me a reason why my daughter shows these behaviors. She’s been diagnosed with ODD, but she shows absolutely no remorse, no type of emotion period unless it effects her directly. She tried to hurt her 2 year old brother and has a complete disregard for other people’s things. I’m at a loss and I have no idea what to do. We have been on both ends of the spectrum, all the way from constructive punishments to the harshest punishments and we are always consistent with following through with what we say but she just absolutely does not care. She has a lack of feelings and she lies about everything she does. I really need help because I’m losing my mind here...
She also acts like she doesn’t understand what we ask of her but I know she does she just pretends she doesn’t purposefully to try to get on our nerves and we let her know that we see through her manipulation. I know that because she will act completely normal at other times when she isn’t trying to lie about something that she’s done. She knows for a fact that I make a really big deal about it if she’s doing good and listening but we have had gifts for her that she was supposed to get when she has shown good behavior, just for ONE DAY and they’ve been collecting dust for 5 months now... she has no interest in rewards OR discipline. She just does as she wants even after consequences and it doesn’t make a difference what we do.
If you need some individualized help, reach out for some counseling or family coaching. www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall is a great place to start.
And, BTW I watch almost all of ur videos - THANK YOU for talking time to them!
You rock! I appreciate you, Gina.
Thanks for another awesome, helpful video!!!!
Our pleasure!
Thank you both for this video!
Our pleasure!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thank you! Just experienced this! This is extremely helpful!
You're so welcome!
Thank you! Every single video has been extremely helpful. 🤯 I'm so glad you are sharing this treasure with us all. God bless you!
Happy to help out with a few things I have learned, Ana Sanchez.
I took away my child’s toys and she had to earn them back (she strangled a kid … after 4 days of consequences) and she just sat there like she didn’t care. I ignored it. And then during a consequence this week, she freaked because she thought her toys were going to get taken. So I guess it did work. After she earned her toys back, we role played about bullying and hurting people! And how it’s not okay and it can hurt people’s feelings and bodies.
Wonderful, glad you gave her the consequences.
This is really good!
I have only watched 3 of your vids (so far) and I've never been more enlightened on these behavior topics...tyvm!!! please keep the advice and info. coming...:D
Thank you! Will do!
Thank you
You're welcome, Erkki.
High quality content. You are different because you go a lot deeper than short term solutions to solve the problems many parents face with their kids. Brilliant.
Kabo Sekoele, thank you, that is very kind.
I was this kid 😅I feel like its quite an unusual topic, and it's good to finally have some insight into why I might have been that way. If I was sufficiently determined, only the threat of violence was enough for me. If my parents enforced some other adverse consequence, my mindset was just "ok, I'll endure it. its better than doing the X thing".
It's what concerns me the most about (potentially) becoming a parent. I would like to do a better job than they did. How could I enforce a proportionate consequence if I know that if I was in the childs shoes, I would disregard it? 🤔
I like the illusion of choice approach, but I wonder how long that works for. I've seen clever kids absolutely finesse poorly prepared adults 😅
Sounds like you aren't poorly prepared, but will know what is happening in your kid's head. Don't overthink it and develop a healthy relationship early on. That does away with a majority of poor behavior.
That’s so true we tried to discipline my girl all the time now she is 12 she says idk .. Her self esteem is gone 0 . I learning so much from these video but whatever I am applying is not working … she is extremely angry with me… she hates me … push me out of her room … and hits me … the word she use is I despise you… ..for me to have her was not normal pregnancy…. I gone through 6 years of treatment to get pregnant… Lots of things went wrong …god bless her and help me so I can help her …
drama, back up a bit and show her love. Develop some more positive feelings toward one another before you start applying any consequences. Show her you will love her no matter what and even if.
When I was raising my two, they didn't express that they didn't care, they showed it -- repeating the behavior and therefore the discipline as well.
I get that, thanks for commenting.
excellent content!!
Thank you, Tinicia.
Hi👋🏻 Thank you for this video! It is so HELPFUL....now I just have to try persuade my husband to watch too..
Glad it was helpful! Good luck, it is so helpful for the child when the parents can be together on these important topics.
And by grace of God I'm making it through of all this
We can do this.
Thank you so much!!! I couldn’t stop watching your videos!!!
Glad you like them! Please come back anytime and share with your friends.
@ 2:00 epic!! Loved it! 😁👍
waterlily, thank you.
Thank you for all of your great videos. I’ve learned so much through watching them. I have a question regarding this topic. What would you suggest if a parent is very consistent in following through with consequences.....the child is upset about the consequence when serving it but as soon as the punishment is served will go right back to doing the same offense. In this case picking on little brother and saying very unkind things......affecting said younger brothers confidence and self worth. He doesn’t seem to learn from the consequences. (I should mention this child is diagnosed with ASD (very high functioning) ADD and anxiety)
Her is 12....younger sibling is 10
Kevin, is your child wanting something, like more attention from you? Try to get to the cause. If there isn't one, you can try getting creative and have a step system. The first time he does an action, he gets a consequence. If he repeats the same thing, he gets more time added to the timeout. You might need some one on one coaching since he has some other things going on. This is only general advice.
Hi Kevin, may be your son is looking for attention or love. May be he thinks that you are giving all your attention and love to his younger sibling. There could be small things that you used to do for him when he was younger but stopped doing them because he started to out grow them but started doing them for the younger child. For the parents this is a reasonable thing to do. But the children might not see it that way. But instead they might think that he/she were replaced by their siblings. This might also create unhealthy competition with their younger siblings. If you think this could be the case I would advice you to focus on giving your older child more love and attention and help him to see that he is till special and that he isn't replaced in any way.
Consequences usually leads to problems and could injure someone or could change lives forever because of their actions
Jerome Cabral, very true. We can roll with it and live on purpose.
My 10 years old doesn't care about anything in his life, not about consequences, school, not about stuff. And he has been that way for his whole life.
Threaten to take something away if he doesn't clean up - Don't worry mom, look ill throw it away myself. (yes we left it in the trash 😅)
No more games for you - Oh that's fine, I need to go out and play outside more anyway.
That is very hard for us as parents, he seems to find everything in his life boring and dull. School, hobbies, sports, other kids, stuff. He doesn't like anything and doesn't have an emotional connection with anything besides a few people and the pets.
He is also smart enough that he doesn't need to learn to get an A and he knows that. Same with consequences, he knows they will end in a few weeks and if it doesn't also not a biggy, he will find something else to do. Everything is boring anyway.
We took him to a therapist few years ago, but he just didn't open up to her even though he liked her and likes 1 on 1 attention. So she quite on him after a few months. We asked his teacher to talk to him about his attitude, but apparently his opinion doesn't matter either.
I think he just is overconfident that everything will work out for him in the end with the least amount of effort and he is very very stubborn. Do you have any tips (besides military school 😉) greeting from the Netherlands
Anne Niem, this sounds like a child who will need to suffer some personal consequences. That means he might need to fail a few times. Let others hold him accountable by having him do things over, miss out on opportunities, etc. Don't save him from the consequences, he needs to experience them.
I've been separated for my soon-to-be-ex-husband for almost four and a half years lost my dad about 2 years ago
That is a lot to go through. I wish you the best.
Can you please tell us the tantrums according kids age and how can we fix it. 😊🙏thanks
Winta Wonderufael, sometimes with kids it isn't about age, but about the stage they are at. I go through that in a few of the videos so keep watching. Thank you.
They both see a psychiatrist and therapist for mental illness and take medication but it still hasn't lead up. I'm seeking out more help because I feel so lost with my children. I know that I should enjoy them but it's hard when their always fighting one another or against us.
Gloria Winkelmann, try to find things that you love with each of your daughters and spend some time with them individually. Model for them what you want to see from them.
Yes true she going through depression …I am starting seeing seeing physiologist …that’s will help her …can you suggest what could be my role during this time.
drama, your role is quiet support. Work with the psychologist. Let your daughter talk when she needs to without giving your thoughts.
My 9 yr old grand daughter is so hooked on electronics she doesn't want to do homework, lies she did it since her school does online then throws tantrums like a 5 ye old and stands in the corner for hours screaming
redwoodsgal, I would not allow electronics during the week at all and let her know why. Her screaming fits are not ok and she won't have access at all if she continues.
I need help! I have a 14 yr old daughter and a 7yr old daughter. My 14 yr old is addicted to her phone,has trauma and ADHD(recently diagnosed) same for me. My 14yr old just sits on her phone and doesn't do anything else. Its my fault, mostly. Bcuz I HV never been consistent! Can I help n encourage, better yet, is it possible to regain my positive parenting at 14? If so, how? I literally need step by step guidance - she's jus starting counseling today, FINALLY! She definitely has anxiety/depression & is being treated thru medication. We hv lots of loss in our life in last 3yrs and we moved last may, along with my husband and I having the most toxic season ever in 9yrs of marriage. Also, bio dad has kind of dropped off n out of her life over last 2yrs too. Didn't even call on her bday this year. Ugh, I'm beyond desperate -PLEASE HELP! IM GETTING SCARED THAT I WILL NEVER B ABLE TO REPENT FROM THIS BAD PARENTING.
You definitely can make some changes. Have them turn in their phones when they come home. You can decide if they get it back or if it is done for the evening. Don't let them go to bed with their phones.
I guess most people don't know what it's like to be harshly physically abused sometimes for nothing, sometimes for being a smart ass (controlled by fear, conduct grades, become super shy & introverted, which largely impacted me for the rest of my life, even with the fun of the blessings of knowing I don't have to be stuck with a spouse, among other societal follies).. and again my dad likely had bpd, I have bpd, it's hell man, avoid it at all costs
We can heal from past trauma. There is hope.
Hi Dr Paul, great video, I always love your videos. Do you have any videos on how to work with your teenage son in a family business? (For example a construction company) There are many family owned businesses and I see very often the (usually teenage) son thinks he should be treated like a boss and not an employee and it puts a lot of stress on everyone. Maybe ideas for how to humble people like that?? I don’t know... but thanks for any help.
Yes I do! Patience S, give him experience in every department and let him know that he will need to work every job to understand the business. You may want to do some family culture coaching. I have done this for several families where we create a family culture that includes the values the family hold close. info@drpauljenkins.com.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV That is a great idea, thank you so much! You’ve helped me and many of my family members in so many ways with your videos.
I know I suffered from depression when I was "too young to be depressed" so I know children can be depressed but is 4 years old too young for depression? Can anybody at any age get depressed? What about a "gifted" 4 year old?
UnsimplyMe, it is not likely, but has happened. Be careful with diagnosing, best to seek professional advice before labeling.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you. I've been trying to get others to be more understanding but it's difficult without explanation & we've been waiting months for assessments. He finally has his full neuropsychological assessment next month & i hope they can help explain better what's going on so others will be more understanding & we can know how to help my 4 year old better with some issues. I think maybe he's too smart for some people 😂🤣
Dear friend of mine now mid thirties - high IQ remembers age 4 seeing through a lot of the bs and it’s an existential loneliness - hard to make friends when you see through things and people talk to you like you’re a little kid...just hope knowing this is somewhat helpful.
@@jamiesjoy8 absolutely, thank you! I was very much like my 4 year old as well, they said I was gifted but my family only saw me as "bad". I'm recently learning many "gifted" people can have the same struggles I did so I'm trying to learn more to prevent my son from enduring similar pains as me. I seem to understand him but don't know how to get others to be more understanding & I don't know how to help my son behave more acceptable at times. For now I've been trying my best to keep some distance from such people as much as possible but he will need to start school soon so hopefully we can figure this out quickly... Thank you for chiming in. It sounds like your friend had similar problems as we do
I wish you well. I’ve not corresponded on here much but if there is more help, let me know. Education. Know self and know how to learn. Discover interests and lean into the gifts and/or interests he shows. Wild ride. Find self directed education and twice exceptional/special ed mislabeled due to dyslexia which is not an intelligence issue. I hope this offers some reprieve.
Mine doest say she doesn't care, but once I give chores she won't do them or does an aweful job at the chore or turns around and messes up again to piss me off and give a big excuse that it was an accident, she didn't mean it, it was not on purpose and now she is in trouble again... it never ends
Stay calm and let her know that she will continue doing the chore until it is done to your standard. That might mean missing some activities. Oh, well.
Great example with your little finger's pain, while the rest of your body is ok. Thank you.
Adrian, glad that is helpful for you.
I’ve been scouring the internet, reading articles… this hit me between the eyes
Matthew David Strader, glad we can connect.
Oh my y’all are real good at this. I love that oh good then this makes it easy for me
Mary, our pleasure. Glad we can connect.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I run a daycare I need all the help I can get thank you so much for your videos. I’m teaching and sharing with parents as well
Do you have any videos that teach any skills on children with ADHD and autism?
Anna S, yes, check out the playlist.
I love the vending machine idea. Using that one!
Perfect! Thanks, Georgina.
Waww this is amazing
Thank you!
@LiveOnPurposeTV you guys are amazing I am really really great single mom of 10 y & 9 y & 3 & 8 month old baby so I was wishing your videos and I learned a lot even I am great mom but three is something I don't realize before and your videos I can say it's life safever yes. Thank you so much and God bless.
Yes I know what you mean
Thank you.
What about when I tell my foster teen her phone time is up and she won’t listen or gets explosive yelling behaviors. What do I do?
Makalea, have the phone shut off. If you don't have access to the phone, (not your plan), find something else. Turn off the wi-fi to the house, something that you have control over and does not require her cooperation.
Friendly advice ideeas
Turn off wifi
There are apps that limit time usage
Cancel or pause sim card change phone sim subscription
I hope this helps
Hello. I am struggling so much. I have a 14 year old boy who shows very little respect to anyone, and it’s making his siblings not want to be here anymore. He talks aggressively and goes immediately to that reaction over everything.
Then I have a 13 year old daughter who is trying to assert herself, especially with her older brother but it very quickly comes in my own direction.
My anxiety immediately skyrockets and in no time we are all fighting, my 9 year old boy is upset that his family isn’t getting along and I end up in tears for the rest of the night. Please help!
Sounds like the family needs to watch some videos and discuss their part in the family dynamics. You may need to figure out what you control and begin to use that to get some cooperation.
I wish RUclips was about when my kids were young!
Jasmine RW, I hear you. I love that we can get the information out for those who need it.
What if environmental factors determine different set of rules? Such as allowing my boys to play loud & run when their uncle isn't home or the rules at other houses are more strict than I would choose but I must enforce their rules when there. I'm worried my children may feel I'm inconsistent because I need to enforce other people's rules in their homes. My sons are 3yo & 4yo & the more rules I try to make them follow the more they rebel. I've explained why rules are different in different settings but do you have any ideas how to help them understand better?
UnsimplyMe, if you want to create a visual for them, that might help. Explaining is the best thing. Communication, I am a fan.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you for responding. What do you mean by creating a visual? What kind of visuals? Poster board with pictures?
I just hate my son’s aggressive behaviors and only wish I had enough money to enroll him to boarding school! For the newly weds if you think having children make you feel complete, think again!
homboy3, reach out to your school and see if they have some suggestions of programs or talk to your pediatrician. Check if your insurance covers any therapy and get some help.
Hi Dr..I have a Q..how we can encourage n convince our teens to study, specially the one can't be persuaded to study
My sister is 16, and she just doesn't care about her future..runing her future just by ignoring not studying
What should we do?
please help
Im from Iran n I love your videos, always trying to watch you n lovely Vicky
Thank you, Zahra Tara, I am not sure what there is in your control to do. What does your sister like to do? I am not sure what opportunities are open to her. Is there something else she could do beside getting good grades? I am not sure if she is up for the challenge. Maybe she could be a store owner or work in another sector? Just not familiar with the culture enough to speak knowledgeably.
What If you're child just listens to everyone else and not mom and screams and screams until he gets his way?? I want my child to respect me and listen I need help!
Tristan Ostman, you may need some one on one coaching. You can get in touch with one of our coaches to find out what we offer at www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
This is my child and she's only 9 : (
My three year old does timeouts with a smile. He would rather not have the privilege/toy/snack if it means he has to change his behavior or respond to a request.
Hannah Ryan, glad he is going to timeout.
I have a question and I am really stressed about my son he has no remorse when he is naughty and 3times he would walk outside of his kindy even with the teacher asking him to stop he grins and runs away this is stressing me a lot he knows it’s dangerous but goes ahead and does it anyway 😢
nimoh mims, I don't know what is causing this. Have you or the school counselor talked to him and explained the dangers of doing this? Talk to him much more than you would other kids about feelings and point out what you are feeling when it is a big emotion and try to get him to open up.
Can you give some advise on the opposite effect? What if the teen becomes increasing agitated, screaming, violent, if punished? (Ie, you were an hour late for curfew so no car today)
Do not engage with him and tell him that when he can talk to you as you are talking to him (calmly), then you will engage with him, until then, no.
If your kid doesn't care about consequences you haven't raised them right so far.
jefftube58, there are some tough kids out there. We never give up hope and always try different things.
What if it’s me, the parent that has depression but is too poor to seek help because it’s far too expensive? 😭
Crazymiller, there are natural ways to deal with depression, check out the playlist for some videos on that topic.
Hello!
I really need your help. I have a nephew. He is 3 years old. He has a ten months old sister who loves him dearly and wants to hug him or play with him. He does not stop hitting her. We never have used violence in our home and whole family is child centric. He still gets the attention he always had and evrryone loves him dearly and spends time with him morethan baby sister. Today he hit her eye with a lollypop stick all of a sudden and she has scarred eye. We tried rewarding or telling consequences. He does not care at all. His parents just take away the sister when she is crying with pain when he hits her and that is it. Or if they tell him to not do it he does not care and hits them too. I being an aunt cannot do anything as no one wants anyone talk about their kids behaviour but that ten months kid has a wounded eye and it hurts me to see her crying everytime he hits her (bad hitting including hitting with heavy objects). Anyone please suggest what should be done? We tried it all. To tell him its bad, it hurts and all. For himself he cries even at small stuff like I want to throw water everywhere and if you say no he will cry or hit etc. Please help.
Remove him from the scene, he does not get the toys and playing until he is nice. Have him practice nice touches.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thankyou very much. Will give it a try.
@@mgrstd2390 how did it go?
@@Almay20 Honestly not better since his parents would not let him realize he is doing wrong. I just gave up amd stopped asking them to let him not hurt his sister.
But for the time being I was with him he did stop hitting her and I did nothing as mentioned above but I actuall tried spending time with them both together. I gave them similar snacks and similar gadgets and slowly let him know that she deserves ame stuff like him and he hasthe same so he should not be angry or jealoused.
He called me when I came back and said when will you come. I like spending time with you. Come over and spend similar time.with me and my sister but I can not stay there forever and then I went back few days ago for a function and saw his behavior coming bac and he was mean to her and everyone else.
It all depends. You must spend time with your kids nicely andlet them see yor actions. Unfortunately his parents' appraoch is different.
If you need a suggestion. Then just let your kid know its wrong and never allow them to hit their sibblins but never corrext him in crowd in a waywhich could be insulting to him or her. Always watch and read stories that have good moral lessons and give them similar attention, toys and appreciation. You will see results.
My partner just said to our children "You are both so selfish". What can I do, my partner is very difficult to talk to. I don't think the children are selfish.
Lancaster Southway, You might want to do some work with a therapist with you and your partner, or just you alone. You need to find ways to talk and communicate to get to the bottom of this. Why does your partner think the kids are selfish? How are they defining the word?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you for understanding and giving such a well thought through reply. I'm not in a position to work with a therapist but I'm trying to look through other live on purpose videos to see how to communicate with my partner. If it were ever possible for you to do a video about how to deal with a selfish child, I might be able to send that to my partner. Thanks for all the useful videos.
Children are selfish, your partner needs attention,! Cry for help from him or her!
My son is 7 with autism are barely on the Spectrum even though they rated him number two LOL, anyway how do I get them to be motivated to develop is written and reading skills? Excuse the grammar that's Google voice to text translator LOL
Jack v, I am not sure where you live, talk to the school about any special reading programs. Read to him everyday and they have programs on line that read to kids. Engage him with the stories, asking questions, etc. You can write stories with him. If it is something he likes, he will be more inclined to write and read.
Adolphus grandfather about 2 years ago
I am sorry.
I have a legal question and can’t afford a lawyer to help answer it. You seem pretty knowledgeable so thought I might ask? Just need a second opinion really
Living Legend, I can't give legal advice. Sorry, I am not licensed for that.
How does this apply to a 2 1/2 year old? She doesn’t own anything her and have many toys even so if I take something away she’s indifferent.
Allie, maybe move up bed time. Maybe she loses a choice later in the day. Brainstorm with another adult who knows your daughter.
Love the videos guys, keep up the great work. Although as a single father that lives alone with two children, one with separation anxiety behaviour disorder. boy aged 12 and girl aged 13 with autism spectrum level 1 I am finding it extremely hard to get my wonderfully unique tag team on board with some of the content of your video especially around bed time and going to school time. Any advice from you guys would be like gold dust to me to sprinkle on my two little pixies.
Is there some reward you can offer them that would propel them toward bed and school? Also, if they have trouble getting out of the house on time then maybe they have to be woken up earlier and therefore have an earlier bedtime. Play around with it and see what works.
My girls are 10 and 12. They will be sent to their rooms when their grounded but then they start screaming and yelling at me why do you hate me so much and I'll respond that I don't hate you but it never stops. Then they'll start banging on the walls. HELP ME THEY DONT GIVE UP
They are seeing what it will take to wear you down. Practice self-care, keep calm and parent on.
This did just not hit the mark for me. Some kids absolutely do not care about consequences and this does not have another idea. I must say that I was disappointed there was no other alternative given other than depression. This is a traditional consequences/punishment model and it does not work for every kid.
Of course one video cannot address every individual child in the world. It is up to the parent or the guardian to find out what works for that child.
What if your 16 year old threatens to k himself if u try to punish him bc u can’t take it lightly so now he knows how to play u
If he threatens to kill himself, take him to the emergency room for treatment. They usually don't pull that card when they know you will move on it.
Is there a way I could contact you directly?
I'm a concerned parent of 6 yr old
Yes, you can find out everything we offer at www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall and speak with one of our coaches at no cost or you can email my assistant at info@drpauljenkins.com. I have limited spots for coaching individuals.
do we have the right to take their phone away for punishment? if so, how so we get it from them when they wont give it and will physically fight you for it!!!
Call your carrier and pause the phone. No arguing, nothing physical, just temporarily suspend the phone.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV great ty so much!!
What about disorganization?
PatientlyWaiting 4MyKing/SouloDad, the child is disorganized? Not sure what you mean, but everyone is different and you can try to teach organization.
perfect @ 1.25x speed...
Peter Tran, love it when we find the sweet spot.
Our children are in trouble government is changing the curriculum.. not good
Thank you for watching.
Heres a theory, Spanking! Seemed to work the last 70 years, but let parents feel bad about not being able to communicate to their 5 year old through talking about feelings and college degree advise 😢 wtf how about kids being less entitled and being grateful for what they have not what they dont!
We can parent without spanking. My four children are doing great.
👍👏🇺🇸💜🧡💚♥️🙋♀️
Thank you.
I’m sorry it sounds like this is why therapists can not help the traumatized in 30 years.
? Not sure what you are referring to. When I work with someone there is generally a breakthrough within 60 days.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I’m sorry I really have to give more context in my msg’s.
Seems you’re still using behaviourism in psychology while universities still largely praise it as a benefit despite the fact it’s been disproved many times since the 70’s by Dr.Edward Deci’s intrinsic motivation model.
Many decades ago hostage negotiators stopped trying to scare the terrorists realizing it just wasn’t working adopting the use of labels to get the terrorists choosing to say they’re walking out the bank in minutes, one example where a life had been priced at 10,Million they got him out in months. While me n my friends have suffered for decades, like many addicts suffer for years only to be blamed by therapists for not working hard enough to get the help we needed like we didn’t ask hard, long or loud enough. Blaming the paranoid who don’t trust anyone for refusing to get hurt by another therapist despite the therapists often blame the addict for being hurt by the therapists. Like while I could not remember my name or DOB a therapist was trying to make me tell her how much better I felt as she’s taught the last impression is a lasting impression though in negotiations they know it could be as short as asking the terrorist to say “good bye.”
Then they're not strong enough. Take away more technology.
Got it, thanks.
If the father keeps the child from the mother for 2 years Indian list of child go to the mothers but the child doesn't want to go back to the father's does the mother have to make the child go back
Thank you
Honored to be on your team.