Why Punishment Based Discipline Doesn't Work (Do This Instead)
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- Опубликовано: 8 авг 2023
- Click here to learn more about Happy Place and see if it's a great fit for your family: brightestbeginning.com/happyp...
Punishment (whether it's taking away privileges, yelling, cancelling activities, or many other examples) is a really common tool used to try to put an end to undesired behaviour and teach children how they should behave in the future.
But what research shows us that punishment doesn't actually work for toddlers. In this video you'll learn why it doesn't work for young children, and what you can do instead that's much more effective.
This isn't about judgement (most of us have used some form of punishment at some point). It's simply about presenting a more effective way to teach your child appropriate behaviour that I think many parents will find helpful!
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Too many parents don't realize that the brains of toddlers are still developing. Toddlers are not fully-fledged children yet, and they need to be treated gently.
I tell hubby, don't tell our toddler that she'll go to the pool TOMORROW! She can only hear---pool! She gets happy and runs to the door, ready to go! Lol
😂 so true.
Yes so true, we know we cant tell our toddler papou (grandpa) is coming later today or he will just stand at the window waiting for him ' papou papou papou'
@@tpa3437 awe, that sounds so sweet!❤️
Hi Emma, thank you so much for all the care you put into helping us raise healthy children. You’re one of seemingly few people online who really seem trustworthy and trained and my family has benefited so much from your content. I was wondering if you could do a video on phones and screen usage and how to start off with a healthy balance for a child while they’re still a baby in particular. I’m already making efforts to lessen screen usage in the home but of course my baby is naturally interested in the object that is in my hands every day. Our generation needs professional advice on this! Would be so appreciated. Truly, thank you for your work!
❤ Any other parents have any advice? Comments?
I just got an email with this video right in time my 2.5 year old has been acting out a lot lately and it's put a strain on the household so I'm sharing this with my whole home so we're all on board thank you Emma your videos are very helpful!
I would love a video on techniques to use with a 5.5 year old who pinches. Your videos are very informative.
i've been really struggling with my 4 year old. The "baby boomers" era wonder why i don't smack my child & this is why in the video (also i grew up this way & led me very fearful of one of my parents still to this day). Thank u so much for the advice! ❤
You're so welcome!
Im on the same boat as you. I always reply this: If i hit you, thats assault. If i smack my wife/husband thats domestic violence. Why is it called discipline in my child? Can i hit you now and call it discipline?
@rukiapyonpyon that's amazing! I'm going to start mentioning this to the people / family members that ask me💡(I'll totally tell them it came from your comment too) ❤
On the flip side I live in a heavily liberal area where people are incorrectly practicing gentle parenting and think that means never saying no and/or teaching them that when they get their feelings hurt the entire world must stop turning so we can help them process their feelings which is producing little entitled monsters and horrifically permissive parents.
@@BrightElk never saying no to your child is def. a problem, i see where you are coming from! I don't see anything wrong with helping your toddler regulate their emotions (as their brains are still developing).
I strive to think up of a natural consequence that my kids care about most of the time. However, the older one sometimes doesn't care about the natural consequence anymore and can connect their behavior to the later punishment. For that situation, a punishment (e.g. no tv time for today) makes sense in my mind.
I guess the title to me is super confusing. Consequences are punishment. Toddlers definitely need to be punished by having cars taken away if throwing them or removed from the park in a time out if pushing other kids down.
What would be a really helpful topic as a video or course would be a list of common toddler behaviors and the natural/connected consequences you use or suggest to use (hitting/bitting/kicking/yelling/grabbing others toys/stealing others toys/being loud when others are trying to talk/etc)
I disagree. A consequence is a result or effect of an action or condition. A punishment is the infliction or imposition of a penalty in retribution for an offense.
Example that actually happened:
9 y/o child was told told to be careful around the table because there were drinks on it and a game out. Child was careless and knocked over a drink messing up the pieces of the game.
Consequence was that he had to help clean up, and pay half the cost of a new one with his own money to replace what did not belong to him.
He was given this consequence only because he had already been told that he needed to be careful.
A punishment would have been to send the child to his room, ground him, yell, or spank him for not listening.
He did get to keep the messed up game. (It was still usable, just not in perfect condition)
Consequences can feel like a punishment but they are closely related to an action. Punishments itself aren't.
It is a big difference if for example a child does not want to wear their jacket and so start to freeze outside, as you told him or that he aren't allowed onto the playground, because he didn't want to dress up.
There are simple rules to not punishe your children, especially with restrictions on food or "going to bed". Both will result in disbehavior towards eating or sleeping.
Consequences connect as closely as possible to actions or inactions. They are a logical outcome.
Consequence: My parents tell me to be home by 3 because we are going to the movies. I get home at 3:30 and they left without me. No movie for me and that's the consequences of my dawdling.
Punishment: I break a window messing with a baseball and my parents tell me I can't go to the movies with them that afternoon. There is no direct relationship between the window and a movie - having me arrange repairs and pay for at least part of them would be consequences.
Thank you for all your videos. I'm a Nana and on a fixed income so I can't afford Izzy course. I have learned so much for your videos. Your videos are very valuable to me. Thank you again. A new Nana!
No worries at all! Also congrats on becoming a Nana! ❤
Your videos are so informative and helpful. My wife and I always watch for the great tips!
Thanks so much! I am so glad you both find them helpful!
This is like dog training. Unless you react to a dog misbehaving immediately, no amount of punishment will have an effect.
How do you suggest dealing with the non car throwing child who still wants to play with the toy cars? They have to also recieve a consequence as the toy cars are now put away and they didn't throw a car.
Good point! Probably just focus a bit more of your attention on them (though not completely ignoring the other child) in comforting/reassuring/redirecting - it's a natural consequence that the throwing child has to learn their actions affect others. I don't think it's quite akin to keeping a whole class behind just because one child isn't quiet - in that case it's unfair and irrelevant to impact the other kids. But if the cars have got to go away for safety then that just has to happen!
Personally with little children, I don't always take the item away for long. Usually once everyone calms down (with 3-5 min) I say something like, "would you like to try playing with cars again? 'yes!' Ok, let's try it. I'm sure you'll be able to play keeping the cars on the track." (Or whatever desired behavior)
OMG Emma!I’ve been following you since I found out I was pregnant and now I reached the point of raising my Toddler. Your advices are gold, so well put into examples as well.Thank you!!
Thanks so much!
a friend's daughter is 9months old, and also has a 2 year old son. she watched this video, followed your advice, and is happy to say It Works. thank you so much💐💐
Thank you so much for your work Emma.
I wish my parents saw this video 20 years ago.
Thanks for watching! I am so excited to share our new course Happy Place with you. Click here to learn more and see if it's a great fit for your family: brightestbeginning.com/happyplace
@@ksenia5199 No worries at all! This course might not be for everyone and you're right there is only so much that can fit into a 10 minute video! Also I am not sure if you know but I do already have a course on baby development and how you can facilitate healthy development. It's called Play, Develop, Thrive. Here is a link in case you are interested: brightestbeginning.com/courses/play-develop-thrive/
Hi emma. My 18 month old toddler hits his head on the door or cabinet when he gets upset,frustrated or doesn't get what he wants. Should i correct it right away or just ignore the action? Thanks.
Your videos are always helping me a lot in preparing for the challenges to come! I’ve been following your content since pregnancy and now my baby is becoming a toddler, all your insights are extremely helpful! Thank you so much! You’re certainly contributing for a better world ❤️
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment! I'm glad you've found my videos helpful!
Another great video which is clearly explained and with useable information. it makes a great deal of sense when explained. Thanks from Central Java, Indonesia Emma.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks!
It’s honestly my pleasure! ❤️
My toddler threw the food, and I shown her video of Africa hungry kid and explained why throwing food is not only disrespectful to the god but also ethically wrong. Later my toddler started offering food to hungry kids in video…
I think conversation first, and if that don’t work, followed by immediate consequences as you explained might be a good approach…learning journey continues..
How old is your kid? Mine is 14 months, I wonder if your trcik will work.. Or maybe you have any other tricks? Thank you in advance
@@haticantik4668, mine is 21 months now. For 14 months, is definitely younger and so more challenge. When my daughter was younger, I tried to explain by making crying sound similar to her. For example, when she jumped and it almost hit my tummy, I explained that you hit me right here, now pamper me the place I got hit. I made crying sound just like her to explain that just like her, I got hit. She came, pampered me and hugged me to give comfort. The behavior still got repeated long after and I had to do the same. Later, the understanding was improved and she stopped👍
I almost didn't watch this at all because I didn't know you were talking about toddlers. Of course we don't punish toddlers! It's older kids who do know better that ought to receive punishment for intentionally breaking family rules (but don't punish them just for being weak or making a mistake, just have/help them fix the problem).
🫥h😂😮
Exactly for toddlers the undesirable behaviour is often due to a skill they still need to develop or learn. Taking the time to teach them this skill is important
Hi Emma, I couldn't find the answer to my question on the happy place site under the FAQ. How long does the course material go for? As in, is each video an hour long or how long would it take to watch/listen to the course from start to end? Thanks ❤
114min 29s of video content, two informational documents and a printable week schedule for activities. (Pls correct me if I'm wrong) 😊
take the toy after throwing it to her sibling and he begins screaming and tantrums everytime.. what to do? thanks!
It's understandable your little one would be upset. So it's important to acknowledge their feelings but hold firm with the cars being put away. Your little one can feel upset about the consequence, but it is still the consequence. Once your little one has calmed down you can teach/model the skill they need to develop to prevent the car throwing incidents in the future (again with time).
How would you suggest handling:
A well thought out manipulator?
A 3 yro who hits or bites parents when they don't get their way bc they KNOW it hurts... its intentional. ??
Same child w/a professional caregiver who understands addressing behavior immediately:
They are told a rule-- break said rule-- & kindly call you to witness it-- bc they WANT to test your "rule integrity" & see your response.
Reminder & options are made clear. It's a 70/30 split on whether they self correct or have to be assisted.
Clearly intelligent.
Time out for biting wouldn’t you think? Three minutes? For me this relates because they need to express frustration in a socially acceptable manner. Child uses a non socially acceptable means of expressing their frustration? They’re removed socially from the situation. To me that’s how this consequence relates to the biting behavior. And all kids crave attention. So removing that seems a good consequence. And TONS of positive attention when expressing frustration in an appropriate manner.
And… I don’t think it’s bad at all your three year old is trying to test the rule integrity. Kids are designed to test the limits. I think as long as you’re firm every time she’ll stop testing eventually. But for now, follow through, every time.
@@caitlynnmae2475
Thanks for your reply. I agree especially with the last paragraph. I was fishing for a possible different perspective. Timeouts are even being discouraged at this point w/ some "professionals". *Not allowed in daycares. 😐
I've got 35+ years in child & human dev't experience.. & 2 grown sons. This 3 yro is in my care & I'm mentoring the parents. A trained observer, I address quickly, so I don't have too many issues other than testing the integrity of the rules I've set.
That's a child's job.
(But it shouldn't be constantly.)
With the parents, she's become an adept manipulator & bully. Modern parents are often apprehensive about asserting their authority bc they don't want to "screw up their kid", so they become inconsistent softies & reactors.
They "gave* this little one authority, she assumed it, & now doesn't want to give it up. She speaks well, she bit to assert her dominance.
Don't think she'll volunteer for a timeout, even so, it's likely *worth it to her*.
Sound like parents are not firm or consistent with rules and boundaries.
@@perspectiveiseverything1694 Sorry to hear this… good luck.
I guess I personally refuse to listen to “professionals” and raise my kids in a manner that makes other people enjoy their company and be happy they’re around.
Do you have any tips on how to support/encourage an 8 month old baby that's started pulling herself up to stand but doesn't have the coordination to fall safely yet, please? She started pulling herself up 2 days ago and today she started only holding on with one hand and looking around, but she can't really sit unaided yet. She's very wobbly but determined to get up 😂
I'm really struggling with the ' terrible twos'
Ty Emma. How do you recommend dealing with the following situations
1) A toddler that troubles her elder sister all the time (e.g. pulling hair, taking away her crayons or pencil or whatever the elder one is doing)?
2) A toddler gets distracted from whatever she's doing leading to everything taking 10x the time
Thank you :-)
Dear Emma,is it possible to join the Happy Place also from Europe?
Hi dear Emma,
Thank you so much for these helpful videos. I had been watching and raising up my kid and he is finally 2.5 years old. I am from Pakistan but living in Germany with my family. I want to teach my son my mother tongue 'Urdu', also English and German. Until now he is speaking very good Urdu and can make sentences now in German too, which he learns from Kindergarten. But English is still not a favorite language for him, as me and my husband converse in Urdu and also on Skype while talking to our family in Pakistan. My question is: At what age I should teach English to my son? Would it be a burden for him to learn 3 languages at a time? What do you suggest for immigrants? Could you please make a video to guide about these language issues?
Thanking in advance!
I am also a pediatric OT. I work with multiple speech therapists and they recommend using all 3 languages at the same time right now. Children learn different languages more easily at a young age. Your child will likely understand English first before speaking very much in English, so keep that it mind. If your toddler likes TV, you can let watch a kids TV shows in English. You can play games in English such as Simon Says.
@@jamiefechnay7849 Thank you very much for your kind suggestions. My son would love to watch TV but we don’t allow him to watch TV at all. And we also don’t watch TV until he sleeps (in case we don’t fall dead asleep 😊).
Children quickly learn which language to use with which person - your child will probably continue with Urdu for you and family, German at school and with adults who are not family, and English sprinkled through both as needed.
I was an aide at a USA pre-school program. The first year we had one child who spoke only German, one who spoke only English, and some who spoke Spanish with varying amounts of English. Teacher was English-only, the other aide and I were bilingual Spanish-English.
By the end of the 10-week session, the children would speak to the teacher in good English, to us aides in Spanish or English or a mix, and among themselves in a wonderful blend of English and Spanish they had developed, with German words mixed in.
They all did well in first grade, so the languages sorted themselves out.
Hi @Emma Hubbard! I'm from Brazil. Is there a subtitle in Portuguese on your course???
Really good tips.
This is why a kindergarden is so important: These teachers are highly educated in this situations. Can you imagine that they learn and practice more than 100 hours about that topic.
Where do you live? Kinder teachers aren't trained in this stuff here.
I have already used this strategy of putting the toys away if my toddler is throwing them, however my toddler doesn't appear to care if the toys are put away, sometimes he actually gives them to me to put them away 🤯 so he doesn't relate this consequence to his misbehaviour, how do I address this??
is he overwhelmed and doesnt want to play anymore, or bored of those toys? im no expert in any way but those are my first questions
He's actually stopped throwing them now, so I'm guessing it was just a phase. I stuck to the boundary of if the toy gets thrown it gets put away, so I suppose he got sick of his toys being put away. Thanks for the questions though! 😊
basically teach them right from wrong, wrong to right?
I follow Emma for pretty much everything. However, I was a bit shocked in this video when she says "physical punishment is not the best method". I would expect her to say loudly and clearly that physical punishment is not acceptable under any circumstances. Hey, we're in the XXI century.
What would be a natural consequence for refusing to walk home while I'm carrying a younger sibling. I can't pick her up (this would be what she wants anyway). I can walk away a little or ignore her. Both of which slow us down to the point of taking 5minuts to walk 10m. I know she's not too tired as she will run to her Dad once in the house. How do I stop losing my calm over this? 😢
oh gosh yes i need to know this too 😭
I don't see a logical consequence for this. You may just need to make adjustments to your methods. Is her Dad able to join you on the walk home? If so, he could help by holding her along the way. If not, you may need to invest in a double stroller. Her need to be held may have something to do with wanting the same treatment as her sibling (reflecting an unmet need that can naturally happen with the whirlwind of managing more than one kid), and both ideas could alleviate some of the struggles in that.
Mine actually sits down and refuses to move.😢
In my experience, as soon as you walk away from the child as if you are actually going to leave, they will run to follow you. You can say it’s time to walk home now. Also making the walk more fun like skipping or racing (if it’s safe) May be helpful.
Toddlers are so easily distracted I think its hard to have them walk a constant fast pace, its not they are hurting someone they are just exploring. I would say take a stroller if you can..
How do you deal with toddlers out and about refusing to come home? I'm not sure how you can discipline this until you have got home
There are a few things you can do in the lead up to leaving the place - eg. give a warning, use natural endings, first-then etc. Then when it's time to go you can acknowledge that it is hard to leave when you are having so much fun but we have to go. Then you give your little one options on how you leave - eg, You can walk or I can pick you up.
Isobel goes into this in a lot more detail and gives lot more tips on how to manage this, plus lots of other behaviours.
The natural concequence of non cooperation is getting carried/put in the car by the adult. My toddles hates that, he usually chooses the cooperation route when i give him both options.
@@EmmaHubbard And if you need to, you walk home or to the car with the screaming thrashing toddler.
Im in trouble usually at night. She keeps on crying until she gets what see wants. My household doesnt understand my way of letting her cry to bring out all her frustration to end. Instead they will rush and get her. Ask if she wants to watch or go out. Its in the wee hours of night. What she wants usually is to give her a pat until she falls asleep and sing. During this time, i dont have enough strength to even get up and lean to her crib/bed. This gets me upset and angry and frustrated most of the time cause she will surely not go to sleep until maybe an hour or more. What can i do? I dont want to give in to her for she will surely use crying/screaming at the middle of the night to get me do what she wants
This is handy! Hi Emma! Can you make a video for recommended toys for older toddlers ie 3 y.o? Thank you! LO has developmental delay so doing all I can to help!
I’m working on videos for older children as we speak 🙂
I've watched only a third of the video but if they don't link the absence of dessert to a misbehavour 2 hours early, then if I take the same child for ice cream to reward something great they did 2 hours prior, I'm not actually rewarding the good behavior
Good question
I don’t think at this age good behavior needs reward. Take your kid for ice cream because ice cream is a fun treat. If your child chooses positive behavior acknowledge it with “I saw how you helped clean up the toys so quickly” or “I noticed you’ve been so gentle with your sister. That seems to make you both happy playing together”. That is sufficient at this age
Great question! You are right, for toddlers it is easier for them to understand in the moment. So if you would like to reward a behaviour, you do it as closely as possible to the behaviour. Usually just praising them in that moment is more than enough. So if your child shared their toy with their sibling then you would immediately praise the behaviour by saying "Sarah that was so kind of you to let your brother play with your car!"
Is this course only for toddlers or would the content be relevant for a 4 or 5 year old?
Hi! The course Happy Place has been developed for toddlers up to 6 year olds, so it definitely would be relevant.
Would be this applicable to neurodivergent children?
I’m not an expert but I work with older toddlers and I would say that adding in something they CAN throw and always having it around (like a bean bag or soft ball or a specific place they can throw harder toys into) and redirecting to that each time would help. I think it can be harder for neurodivergent children to understand the consequence connection even when it’s immediate and related, but they can often form new habits. Providing acceptable sensory experiences in place of the undesirable behavior is a go to for me with neurodivergent kids
Request you to make a video on 'chocking'
Thanks for the tip
😊
Video should be titled "punish or reward instantly (never delay!)"
Corrections have to happen very soon or it's useless.
My parents never withheld food as punishment UNLESS we got into a sibling squabble during the meal. That earned an immediate dismissal from the table and we went hungry until the next meal (or went outside and scrounged from the garden).
Next meal had no lectures about how they hoped we had learned a lesson and were getting another chance ... just a clean slate and another meal without comment.
ALL participants in a squabble were banished - no blaming, no attempt to assign blame for who started it. Mom said we could be fighting like fishwives coming into the house, and dead silence erupted when we entered the dining room. Dinner might be full of glares and meaningful looks, but it was calm.
Related, immediate consequences to the rescue! Thanks!
You're welcome!
I don't believe physical punishments are entirely bad (of course they should never ever be severe), if they are performed by a person who truly loves the child, and wants the best for them. There is a difference between punishment, and simply being cruel. Physical punishment can be exactly the consequence that is there in the moment, so that the child can connect it to the behaviour.
please explained the age of what a toddlers is.....belive me some parters will use this as evidenced to validate why they font apply consequences to a 5 to 12 year old where consequences should be apply for not meeting a schedule/ repetitive expectation.
A "toddler" is a child that is able to walk, but still young. Usually 2-4 years old?
As a ECE. Would say 1-2. Definitely not 4. Many 4s in California are in TK. And 4s can definitely understand things that happened in the past and connect with the future. I know this because of conversations I have had with 4 years old.
They do
What would I do in the case of my toddler biting another child? Punishment not being an option, how do you handle that? Since you cannot just put away their teeth 😅
I guess you'd take the whole child out of the equation. I've seen supernanny do time outs where you place the child on a mat or step, get down to their eye level, remain calm and tell them you have to sit here because you bit the other child when mummy told you not to. Her rule of thumb is 1 minute per year of the child's age (ie a 2 year old does 2 minutes, a 7 year old does 7). If they run off you just put them back silently and calmly and restart the timer. At the end you explain again why they were put in time out, offer a hug and tell each other you love each other.
I don't know if every part is still kosher but I feel like that would be my response; unkind behaviour ends play time
You remove the teeth and the child from the incident location.
It might be just out of the area or you might take them home from the park immediately. "You bite, we leave".
I would do a "time-in" where you remove the child from the situation but sit with them until they are calmed down. There is a reason why they bit, but likely they can't communicate it. I would work to help them calm themselves down and then find a different way for them to communicate.
Don't they have a 10 second memory? Lol
What to do if 2 year old toddler sometimes want to slap on head my 5 month old baby?
Move the baby away from 2 year old.
My toddler misbehaves like this sometimes and most of the times I try to explain straight away that what he’s doing is hurtingin a calm manner. However sometimes I will lose it and punish him 🫣
It is so hard to remain calm. We all lose it from time to time, what's important is how we repair the relationship when we do.
I want to talk to her
Don't hit your children. Don't yell at them. Don't call them names. I'm 23, 9 months ago i was diagnosed with cptsd. Today i got the results of my disability request. My country has determined i am 100% incapable of earning a salary. If you hit your child or yell at them, you aren't teaching them a lesson. You are crippling them for life. Children deserve to feel safe.
That is the worst punishment i can think of. Cruel.
Am I the only only who noticed the name of Elisabeth Turner 🏴☠️
😂
It’s really frustrating to be sent to a website, and not told how much something costs. Just “join” and asked for your charge card without telling how much it will be. This world we live in acts like everyone has deep pockets. SMH.
Dessert should NOT be a daily event.
We don't have desert in our household. We just have a meal and if there is something sweet then we never make it an 'extra'. We try to stick with fruits and sometimes a bite of something more processed here and there, like a brownie or banana bread.
We don’t do dessert at our house either because that’s our preference. But I also don’t judge families who do, as with any topic there is nuance. A spoonful of yoghurt or some fruit after dinner, for example, could be dessert for many families.
@@EmmaHubbardwell explained
Life is short, leave my yoghurt alone 😂
@@Gavivi87I was thinking the same. Like no one said it was happening everyday.
Wouldn't you consider physical punishment a form of abuse? I thought those days are long behind us.
Not sure if you watched the video, but I did specifically say that physical punishment should never be used
You'd be suprised how many ppl defend it.