The day I lost my leg she ghosted me: the close friend who left me after my amputation [CC]
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- Опубликовано: 25 июн 2024
- I lost a friend when I lost my leg - she left and never contacted me from that day forward. This is how it happened and what I realized...
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How I lost my leg story!
• Walking into a hospita...
0:00 - The Best Intro Ever
1:50 - Our Previous Friendship
3:05 - Was SHE Safe & Okay? Why Did She Leave?
4:17 - When I Was On The Other Side
6:04 - One Of My Deepest Regrets & Growth
7:14 - Why I'm Telling This Story
8:40 - The Future
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Jo Beckwith
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MY STORY //
Fourteen years of pain and failed ankle surgeries brought me to 2018, when I made the difficult decision to become a twenty-seven-year-old below-the-knee elective amputee. This channel has documented my journey adjusting to life with a visible disability as an amputee, and continues to be a haven to discuss physical and mental health!
MY PROSTHETIC LEG:
I use the Ossur ProFlex XC Torsion foot/ankle with a direct socket with passive vaccum suction.
MY AMPUTATION STORY:
Why Did I Lose My Leg? • HOW I BECAME AN AMPUTE...
How I Said Goodbye To My Leg: • COME WITH ME ON A GOOD...
Seeing My Amputated Leg for the First Time: • Seeing my amputated le...
Day in the Life of an Amputee: • A Day in the Life of a...
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![Finally Telling the REAL Story: The Lawsuit Over My Amputation [CC]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/xNTBF2JTx7U/mqdefault.jpg)
When my brother was diagnosed with cancer and was told he had 30 days to live, many (but not all) of his friends just stopped talking to him. He ended up living for 15 months after his diagnosis, and actually, much of that time, he was pretty good. I talked on the phone to him almost daily in that last six months. His absolute best friend Kathy moved over 1,000 miles to be close to him, and she was actually holding his hand when he passed away. He was actually so upbeat that it was fun talking to him. He actually described the Chemotherapy couches as "really comfortable" so it could sit there doing origami or writing poetry. But, there was a sadness that so many of his friends just disappeared from his life like that.
My sincerest condolences. I'm glad they had so many loving people in their life.
I am sorry. @ome people just can't or won't be able /o deal with a friends serious medical issues. They are fair weather friends
K Lowe you are a very good friend.
Some people can't cope with the seriousness of the situation especially when young
I am sorry I hope he lived a great life and Kathy is so kind she is an actual true friend bless u guys
When I was pregnant with my first, my best friend was also pregnant. She lost her pregnancy. I asked her how I could be her friend in that time. I felt guilty about still being pregnant. But I asked her how I could be the friend she needed. If she needed to not be around me (as my growing belly could have been a constant reminder), I would stay away. If she wanted to chat, but avoid any baby talk, we could do that. We made it through and we've been able to be mommies together.
@@HopUpOutDaBed Wtf? You're messed up.
@@HopUpOutDaBed why do you feel the need to “advise” someone to miscarry? why would you want that for someone? this is very concerning behavior
@@ticcitoasty it was a cringe edgelord comment.
@@ticcitoasty Genuinely feel like it was satire. Highly inappropriate regardless 😵💫
@@HopUpOutDaBed fucking BASED
After my wife died, I have always been glad when people talk to me about it.
It doesn’t matter if they say the wrong thing, as long as they don’t mean intentional harm.
On the other side of things, I will talk to people. For example, if someone has terminal cancer, I will talk to them about it.
As for disability, I see the person first.
I used to work with a guy who was an amputee. We are still friends.
He had a great sense of humour.
One day he was telling me that his Dad was also an amputee, and I said, “so it’s hereditary in your family.”
He thought that was so funny. We did have a great laugh about it.
In recent years, I have become disabled myself, and I appreciate people treating me like a human being.
That's amazing!! I've been reading through this comment section and there are a lot of sad stories, but I think I'll stop reading them after seeing this. This was so uplifting and happy! I hope more people can read this!
I laughed at that too, that's just brilliant.
That was so funny tho! 😂😂
Just being treated like a human being when you have a disability or life hardship means they world. I wish more people had your outlook. It should be basic human decency. Love the comment about it being hereditary. That’s so clever and made me laugh. ❤
My friends brother died this past week. We are part of a tight group of friends - all of them are from the same middle eastern country. It’s a pretty masculine group and there’s not a whole lot of emphasis placed on discussing emotions. But when the group found out, everyone made their way to our friends apartment and just hung out. They did acknowledge what had happened by briefly giving their condolences when they greeted him, but otherwise we had our hangout as usual. At first it was so hard to imagine just chatting like a normal day. But this group has been together for years, and our comfort and friendship won out and for the past two days we’ve made sure he’s always had access to someone and people have continued to just drop by and spend time. Even if you don’t know what to say or do. Just show up. It makes the world of difference to have others lending their light when you’re in utter darkness.
I’m so sorry for his loss, you guys are doing a solid for his mental health rn
Beautifully said, thanks for sharing your experiences
lost my little brother and all these people i thought i was close to said nothing. that hurts far more than saying the wrong thing. having my cousin reach out years after to apologize meant the world to me. even if its been years please tell them i have no idea what to do but im sorry.
EXACTLY. I'm so glad that she brought that up. Lost my brother too, and so many people that should have shown up failed to do so. It was obvious that my grief made them very uncomfortable and that they didn't know what to do with it. So they "gave me space". Excuse my language but I call bullshit. It takes very little to say "hey, I have no idea what to say right now, but I wanted to check in anyway. I'm here to listen" and it's A MILLION times better than not saying anything. For all of the people that have said all the wrong things to me during this time, I have nothing but gratitude and forgiveness. Because they TRIED. They took that risk. And even if they got it all wrong, they showed up and they were there. And I'm willing to overlook all the awkward comments, and just remember the fact that they reached out, simply because they came from the right place. The radio-silence people? Those I'll have a harder time forgiving, to be honest. They're adults who can write and talk and educate themselves so, no excuses there 🤷🏻♀️
Edit: and when in doubt, ask! Ask openly! An amazing and dearest friend of mine, who did all the right things for me then, just came to me and asked: would you rather people talked to you and said the wrong thing, or would you rather people didn't try if they weren't sure? And I told her: try!! Always try!! And she said thank you and that she'd always remember that from then on. And of course she was there for me in an amazing way. Never fazed by my grief. Asking me openly every single time "how are you coping with your loss today?", allowing me to cry in front of her without telling me "it'll be okay" or any of that crap, allowing me to complain and say that the world is fucked up without telling me "everything happens for a reason", etc. Simply letting me be in that place without urging me to come out, listening to me grieve and validating everything I felt with her respectful and attentive silence.
I'm just leaving this here in case it helps someone to be there for a friend. And if you're grieving yourself, just know that yes, everything you feel is valid and the world can go frick itself.
I lost my husband of 20 years and his whole family ghosted me right after the funeral. I feel this
@@lindajohnson3272 , my deepest sympathies on the loss of your beloved husband. I can't even imagine his family doing that to you. I hope that there have been amazingly kind,, helpful people to support you as you grieve. God bless, keep, strengthen and heal you!!
Savannah E, I am so, so sorry that you lost your dear little brother, and your friends at the same time. I hope you have had some wonderful people to support you and encourage you. God bless you and keep you!
Amen!!! I also lost my brother suddenly! it’s so important to even just say “I’m so sorry”. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to do this. Sorry for your loss❤️
I'd honesty would reach out. My best friend from high school ghosted me, we had been friends for over 8 years at that time, and I had just seen her recently too. Birthdays came and went and nothing, I couldn't believe it. I ended up getting engaged a couple years later and I thought you know what I'm going to see if she responds. So I sent her an honest message. Said "hey I'm not sure what happened with us, but as I'm getting married it really hurt me thinking you should be my maid of honor and you're not here." I ended it with no worries if you don't want to respond, that's ok, just wanted to reach out. Turns out she was in an abusive relationship and had been completely isolated and had been working on therapy for it. She felt super weird to try and reach out because she felt like she ruined it with me. We've since rekindled our friendship and she will be in my wedding, just not my maid of honor :)
That's a beautiful story. I caught up with a friend from high school years ago. I was always annoyed that he was too busy to hang out with me every single time I texted him. Turns out he was a Jehovah's Witness, which I already knew, but he was the kind that had to do a TON of work for the organization that left him with little free time. He also almost got married to a terrible girl who was also JW and was struggling with that. I had a lot of sympathy for him from then on. I haven't talked to him in more than a year, but at least I know it's not out of malice towards me.
That’s the thing. Sometimes you never know what’s going on and it might not have anything to do with you.
@@nooter7366 should we call it "dodging" now? eh, Dodger?
@@keirfarnum6811 Exactly. Sometimes it is not done with a malicious intent. Life gets busy and crazy.
@@nooter7366 how? what's your issue with it?
I'm shocked at how kind you are about this. EVERYONE in my long term friendship and family list except for 2 people dropped me when I woke up from my coma. They all dropped me. I have nothing kind to say about any of them.
Jo, thank you for addressing this. My husband left after 22 years of marriage. A large part of his leaving was my chronic illness. I believed he had my back and when he left I was devastated. He broke me. Following the trauma my illness ramped up and I spent two years having surgeries due to vascular and infection issues. I lost all the toes on my right foot. Then covid hit. Through all of this I lost many friends. It’s as if once they don’t physically see you, you cease to exist. I even lost my church congregation. It’s extremely hurtful. You are correct, people don’t know how to deal with deep pain and loss. But abandoning them is cruel. Please reach out to folks who are hurting.
I truly hope someone has reached out to you in the year since you posted this.
As do I! If you ever need a friend or someone to talk to. I am a great listener and like to think of myself as a pretty good friend. I don’t have many friends but third I do consider my friend and not just an acquaintance. I hold very dear to my heart. One of my dearest friends I actually have never meet in person lol. She was starting a small business and I was one of her 1st few customers, who after receiving my order reached out to let her know what I great product she had and how I wished her great success and couldn’t wait to see her grow and become really successful and hopefully viral lol. She really appreciated that and responded. Next thing we knew we were talking everyday and gave each other our numbers so we could text and call each other. She is now one of my very best friends honestly. I hope that someday we can afford to meet each other in person. So tho I know it may seem silly to start a friendship with someone you have never meet and may not get to meet for years. I say it’s more then worth the try.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through such painful things. Please know that while people may leave, god never leaves, not forsakes us. Prayers n hugs
I'm afraid I might've ghosted people this way. I cannot recall a specific person or friend, but I am bad at keeping in touch at the best of times and when I haven't spoken to someone in a while, I get really uncomfortable taking initiative. I try to be aware of it now, but I do regret being so closed off sometimes.
if you can't remember you shouldn't have to bother 🤣 if they felt the need they could have texted you as well, friendship goes both ways
@@stijnvanderveken I took a look at how a past friendship I had "functioned" and noticed it was me reaching out and initiating contact the majority of the time. When that person was having fun and hanging out, it was with other people. When they had a problem they wanted to vent about, that's when they contacted me. I wasn't about to be someone's unpaid therapist.
i’m the same way, it’s not that i don’t want to leave this person for any specific reason but i find keeping up with people very mentally exhausting and draining. i still care for them, i still love them, but i just don’t do the routine keep up. i recently lost a friend to suicide, someone i had thought about reaching out to for months and never did because i was afraid i couldn’t be a consistent friend. i cared for this person & i didn’t show it and now i will never have the opportunity. it’s not a bad thing to be this friend, people should respect your boundaries but at the same time sometimes just a little effort really might make the difference. best of luck to you!
sometimes is better to reach out regardless the awkwardness😉 the person the other side might be happy that they haven't lost you
@@radasmrr I'm so sorry to hear about your friend 🥺 I struggle with this a lot too, and have pretty much told all my friends that they're on my checklist - I'll check in every week or so even if it's not for a full on conversation. It's been helpful because my friends understand that I'm very introverted and need a lot of alone time but still know they're a priority and I care about them
It's a shame she just ghosted you that way. I lost a friend very similarly, sometimes I still feel like reaching out and asking why or if I did anything but I hope she's doing well. Your thoughts on this topic were very insightful. Love all your content! ❤
Same happened with me when my mother left me! a friend just ghosted out of ma life dude, like we never knew each other.
@@ashutoshkumar3921 That did happen to me as well, but I met new friends and they were actually there for me (and I still speak to a few of them now) and have made a few more friends.
@How Why Oh I have.
I was just commenting about how the same thing happened to me.
Same thing kind of happened to me but she would ghost me and then she would apologize and then start to bully me and then ghost me again
When you are sick or in grief you find out who is a real friend, and usually it's very few people. My partner and I were left with two good friends when he was sick. Everybody else is good for party 😉
I lost most of my friends and really struggled to make new ones when I was diagnosed with my nerve disorder. I was 13 so it was an awful time anyway. Teens don't want to be friends with the weird girl who can't walk right, misses a ton of school, and can't handle "normal" teen plans without pain. I'm 28 now and have really closed myself off from most people
Hi, I'm sorry about your pain. You will find the person who won't judge you, keep going! I'm your no.1 fan!
Can I be your friend?
I think you've hit the nail on the head there! Grief, trauma and sadness make many people feel uncomfortable and unable to stay in that situation, or as you say, stay away through fear of getting something wrong or making it worse. When my baby daughter died there were several people who I never heard from again, told me I needed to stop grieving or hide it, they didn't like how I changed, or wanted the "old me" back. Some of those relationships have never recovered, and I realised I'm ok with that. This may sound callus, and I don't mean it to, but I just got to the point where I thought the worst thing has already happened to me, so someone not wanting or being able to stick around isn't the end of the world.
The best thing anyone ever said to me after Annabelle died was from was a 15yr old apprentice from work. She simply said I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say other than this is so shit. Me and mum are thinking of you and will remember Annabelle forever. That one message, from a kid no less, meant more than any other message I ever received because she didn't try to fix it with platitudes, didn't know what to say, yet still made the effort to contact me with such honesty and kindness. Out of the mouth of babes eh!
Hi there, firstly I cannot imagine the grief of losing a child and so sorry for your loss my experience is similar to yours only I didn't lose a child,I had quite a few good friends and all was great then I started to experience really bad pain in my joints throughout my body.i booked a doctor's appointment and she organized blood tests etc and I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of rhumourtoid arthritis this was 5 years ago. Because of this I am now pretty mutch restricted to what I can do and when I can do it etc.the medication to lower my immune system is harsh and you can't go out and have a belly full of beer with your friends etc in my case they were concerned and supportive at first but it fizzles out until they stop coming round, they have there own lives to deal with which is understandable. but I am so bloody lonely it's depressing and to rub salt into the wound my girlfriend of 22years who has been so supportive is leaving me because she wants to do the things we used to do and now can't and things are not the same anymore. I think the moral of my clouded story is are friends actually good friends and in my case I don't think they are I do call a couple of them from time to time but it would be nice for them to pop round for a beer.
@@andydawson2101 that sounds really tough, and i can't imagine what it must feel like having your partner leave, although having been with my partner for 23yrs I can empathise how emotional or physical trauma and different life experiences can be so damaging to a relationship. I support bereaved parents through a UK charity, and sadly I've seen too many couples split up after their loss to count now. My partner's dad also has a similar condition to yours as well as liver issues (possibly caused by the meds), and my mum suffers from a condition called Polymialgia, which basically means severe and constant nerve pain throughout the body, so I've seen with my own eyes how difficult it is living with such conditions and I wish you the best with your treatment. I'd definitely recommend finding groups, even online, if others in similar situations that understand how you're feeling. The groups my mum has joined do both in person and virtual meet ups and have improved her mental health massively x
Yeah, friendships are for fun, being around someone who is struggling isn’t fun.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister died a few months ago, and I experienced really similar things from people close to me. Honestly, I don't think you sound callus at all-- I actually really like that take! To me, losing those people has mostly been a relief because they just created extreme, unnecessary amounts of stress on top of a grief that was already bogging me down so much. I know a lot of people don't know what to do or say, and there's honestly nothing really *to* say to someone during times of grief, but I've found that just simple things like "I'm so sorry for ___" or "there are no words" have been the most comforting things to come from anyone. I think the best thing I've heard so far came from one of my professors, who told me something along the lines of "There's nothing I can say to make this better, but I hope you find peace soon". That really stuck with me.
@@cassandra8209 so sorry to hear of your loss of your sister. Sending love and support to you. I won't ever say you "get over it" (in fact I hate that saying), but it does become easier to carry over time, you learn to live with your grief and love simultaneously xxxxxx
Totally been there, on both sides. I remember needing to take space from a pal who was going through a bad break up because I had just gone through one and it was so triggering that I couldn’t actually be a good friend or support her because my own traumas kept getting activated. But instead of telling her this I just ghosted. We talk now and all is good but I wish I had been upfront with why I needed to take space. Love and learn.
When I was getting clean from heroin, and going into detox, my wife's closest friend basically broke off their friendship, and never picked up the phone again. My wife felt hurt, like this friend had abandoned her the moment she really needed support. I found out much later that this friend had a family member who was going in and out of rehab for years, and really wreaked havoc on her family. This friend likely assumed it would be the same for me. By a stroke of good luck, though, I ended up staying clean (almost 9 years clean/sober rn).
Sometimes, we can't give support to others. I don't think there's really anything wrong with that. It can be really hard to understand while you're in the middle of it, though, and it's really hard to find the words to say it.
@@wolfumz so true thank you for this 💕
@@wolfumz fantastic
People may first click out of curiosity about amputation, but people stay around for Jo. I think that’s really important for you to know that
True. YT niw thinks I have an obsession with amputees and operations
Lost some of my closest friends when I opened up about my depression.
Not coincidentally, they are the last close friends I ever opened up to. Disability sucks.
You deserved better, and I hope that you can find people to whom you feel you can open up again, and who this time respond with kindness.
My late mother used to tell me how my uncle, who had previously had a lot of "friends," wound up only having 2 of them who stayed with him after he had his arm amputated due to cancer when he was in high school. This video struck a chord with me because of that story; I think my mother wanted me to understand from a young age not to expect too much from the people you think are your friends, especially during times of hardship, but also to appreciate the ones who do stay...that's been proven true too many times since then.
I lost a close friend after I get brain damage from meningitis. She couldn’t handle the change I went through. I was tough but now I appreciate that she left.
Amen. Suffering has a way of weeding out the weak people from your life
I say that as someone who has been on both sides of that situation
Duuuuude I wasn’t expecting this to be as uplifting as it was! This inspired me to reach out to a friend I haven’t talked to as much since I moved. Thank you!
@@nooter7366 I was almost upset until I realized this comment section could use a few humour breaks. I'm sure at the time your ED was less uplifting.
I did exactly the same thing - started talking to a friend of mine less after moving. I think it's because our habits change when we move, and talking to a specific friend near a specific time of day or week could be thought of as a habit. It's hard to - in the moment - sort out what things have to change and what things don't.
All I can say is I'm so grateful for my circle of friends. When I lost my leg, nobody disappeared. Everyone was there when I needed them. I am thankful to all of them.
The fact that she doesn’t paint Mary as the bad guy completely and tries to understand her side is so amazing! ❤️
We are guaranteed that we will all say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Friends usually will cut you a huge amount of slack.
Yes usually. If the relationship means anything to them. Cowardly to do otherwise.
This exactly. Like Jo said, saying the wrong thing is always better than nothing at all. At least that way, they know you're there and want to support them, you're maybe just not sure how. It leaves the lines of communication open so they're comfortable telling you what they need.
I lost my father a couple months ago. While I get tired of the "oh I'm so sorry" cliché comments, I appreciate people showing sympathy. If rather that then people ignoring me. My dad's neighbour even brings me food from time to time.
On the flip side, when my dad's best friend's mom died, I (wrongly) told my dad to give the family some space, but insisted we drive over to their house right away and chat with them. They really appreciated that.
Thanks for sharing. I went through something similar. Once I started using a wheelchair, I lost almost all my friends. There's a reason why almost none of my current friends ever knew me as a walking person. It's both painful and sad to think about, but unfortunately that's the world we live in sometimes. I'm thankful for the people in my life today and the few who stuck around.
This happened to me twice in my life. The first time through a divorce. The second time when my son died. With the divorce it was complicated by a lot of lies and a smear campaign and drama, but when my son died I couldn't believe that through that entire first year I never heard from them (not on my first mother's day without him, first Christmas, his birthday). It was unbelievably cold. What I realized was that I had attracted a lot of self absorbed people into my life as a teenager and young adult, and it wasn't just limited to the man I married. I had low empathy people all around me. I was living my life hoping people would be there for me if I ever needed them, but determined to never to test it and find out because deep down I must have known I was on my own..
I've had this experience with chronic illness. When I got sick, a lot of my friends disappeared. A lot of them also asked dumb questions or straight up ignored what I was going through, which I still resent. I've since gone into a kind of remission from my condition, and most of my friends would rather act like it never happened. I get not knowing what to say and being uncomfortable with grief, but it's so important for the person experiencing the grief not to feel alone in it. I think sometimes people forget that in their desire to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
@A H yeah they seem toxic and selfish
@@meera2531 yo we got the same name
Same... I understand. I worked in a medical career and expected more understanding from coworkers and colleagues. Many of them I considered friends. I was accused of ignoring them when I was too sick to do anything, but yet they never contacted me. I was accused of faking to get out of work and collect disability. My boss said he'd prove that I was lying and make me pay the money back. Personal friends I had eventually dropped away when I didn't have the physical and mental energy to keep up with them. They got tired of me being sick. Even got divorced because hubby didn't like that my illness was holding him back. (His exact words) I went through many years wondering what I did wrong. My take on all this??... I am so much better without them. I've found true friends that accept me as I am in any given moment... they bless and enrich my life.... friends I can connect with on a heart and spirit level.... friends that understand that today is a difficult day, but maybe tomorrow won't be. I don't miss those other "friends" at all.. they are doing just fine without me in their lives.... and so am I. Love to you! 💕
When my dad died I lost every single one of my friends. Sure I got a lot of the obligatory "if you need anything let me know!" but that's like telling a person who just got hit in the head with a shovel to call you if they black out. You're hurting and it's impossible to even think, much less know if you need something. (I forgot to eat for a few days and had no idea.) And even if you did need something and knew it, you're so broken that you can't ask. I totally agree with you that it's just a way for people to do the bare minimum as a "friend" without actually having to get involved. My advice to anyone that cares about someone who is experiencing a traumatic event is this: Don't ask. Just show up. Show up with food. Show up with something to do. Show up with an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Yes... You MIGHT get told to go away. Yes, it might be painful and awkward. Risk it. If you really care about that person they're worth the risk of feeling bad to try to help them. Risk. It. You may upset them in the moment, but when the dust settles they'll remember that you cared enough to be there.
i can agree but i also would not appreciate someone forcing themselves in my life because i’m grieving. everyone is different, and while i would still like someone to talk to, showing up and forcing themselves in would be extremely triggering for me.
as the video says: just ask
pls don’t encourage acting without asking for *everyone* struggling. it can be damaging for some of us.
@@ticcitoasty I disagree.
I think there could be a middle ground here. Not that it would work for everyone of course, but something I've found helpful for communicating with friends going through hard things is using specific suggestions. So rather than saying "Hey, if I can do anything let me know" which can be hard to respond to at best and sound very insincere at worst, make a suggestion that is specific to you and your relationship with them. For example, "Hey, would it be okay if I brought over a meal?" or "Do you want to talk about it?" or even "Do you want to come over for a card/board game?". Giving them the opportunity to refuse respects their boundaries, which I think is important like Ticci mentioned. But giving the specific suggestions can help them see that you're trying to help in a concrete way, and might help a person who is going through trauma and might not have even thought about eating until you asked if you could bring some food.
@@FLAMINGBABYHEAD you disagree that people grieve differently? I'm confused.
@@aderpyaxolotl I'm sorry you're confused.
After becoming a paraplegic in a car accident one year ago, I can totally relate to the frustration with people who step back for fear of saying the wrong thing.
I agree completely that saying nothing at all is even worse than saying something stupid. Unfortunately, I’ve found that even when you explain this to people, it’s still extremely difficult for many to overcome that anxiety and reach out, just to say hi. 🤷🏻♂️
I found out a couple weeks ago that a really close friend who I've known since high school was given 2 years to live. his wife reached out to me to let me know as he was obviously dealing with a clock. So I called him , it was the hardest call I have ever made. All the thoughts you described were running through my head, I was nervous, scared (to hear it from him) and honestly self reflecting. BUT at the end I just listened and let him tell me his story, we cried and laughed and reminisced. I told him I loved like the brother I never wanted (its a guy thing) and I make sure to reach out at least once a week. We live across the country from each other and just can't pop over. I'm not known for my empathy and and am really rough around the edges but something told me that this was important and NOT about me, I'm glad I'm reached out . Thanks for sharing. ❤
I just lost my husband in July of this year. Several people I thought were my close/very close friends - just faded away. I understand people don't know what to say/do sometimes. Having been on the other side of the situation, as you stated. But ...just reaching out to say 'i care, I'm thinking about you, or I love you".. IS good and kind and thoughtful. And it HELPS!!
I'm so sad that you lost your husband and then your friends left you. I will say prayer for you. Dear Lord please help Kathy she has lost her husband and her friends are not helping her. Please Lord give her strength and fill her heart with love. Place new people in her path and let her know she will be with her husband in heaven. In Jesus name I ask this lord. Amen.
When my dad died I had a best friend of 18 year and 7 years walk away. It was so traumatizing and isolating. I never expected it and still feel hurt to this day. I’ve read this type of thing is common but it doesn’t help when you’re going thru it.
Unfortunately a lot of disabled people lose (a lot of) friends in such ways. And ai think you’re right in that our ability to deal with (second-hand) grief is one of the biggest factors here. A lot of this is due to our society trying to block everything that’s pain and grief from the public eye as much as possible. (Or condense in into a emotional movie that is over in a few hours.
We could all do with learning to deal with grief/pain a lot more. Especially now with the pandemic ALL of us are grieving our previous lives in one way or another. (And it’s clear that some people choose denial as their way of “dealing” with it.)
I’m not disabled and I have disability which is mosaic Down syndrome, it was challenging, and I don’t let my disability control my life and see as gift. I’m with the disabled people except I am the opposite. I push people away I meet in real life because as an adult I understand why I push people way. I am a detached person everyone needs personal space, alone time, and recharge however if it’s excessive it needs some resolve or reevaluation. Actually, I appreciate my personal space and alone time way before the pandemic even happened I think I spend too much time in isolation, and prioritize quality time outside than quantity time, and still have my personal space, and alone time.
Everyone is going through a lot and share wisdom that the person going through on the inside is not alone. Whether people like it or not everyone needs healing we all need it.
This video opened my eyes to a circumstance in my life where I should have stepped up, but instead I stepped away. I have some mistakes to apologize for and try to make up for, if they’ll let me. I’m so sorry for what you went through-just know that your sharing of your experiences not only affected me as a person, but inspired me to act on something that I’ve kept in the questioning back burner for a couple years. You’re so brave and awesome, and put into words an experience that I think many people have had but aren’t able to put into words, and honestly you focused more on the times where you could have done better and how we can do better than you did on how your friend could have done better. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.
I also had a friend ghost me following my surgeries for breast cancer. I had tremendous complications with it. She wished me the best before surgery and it's now been 5 years since my initial surgery with no word from her. We were very close beforehand. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. I am s nurse, I know it can be awkward but just please, be present. Be seen. Be heard. Follow the vibes of your friend. If they are withdrawn and quiet, just let them know you are there for them. Sit down and wait to see what they say.
When my mom died, two people sad “I was waiting for you to reach out”. That is such a cop out. That’s like waiting for an invitation to a funeral. You know someone died so if the person matters, you make the first move to inquire about the person who is hurting. No excuses. At least you have taken ownership. That’s grown t and very meaningful.
AGREED. Someone going through trauma isn't going to post a billboard, announcing that they're losing their shit and could use a friend. You know they're going through something traumatic, so CLEARLY they could use a friend, you shouldn't need a gold invitation to reach out and be a decent person.
There are lots of stupid people
It's not a cop-out. Especially during COVID. You literally have to get an invite to a funeral. There are a million reasons and it's not an excuse.
My dad taught me recently that if it's good news, you wait for an invite. If it's bad news, it's ur duty to inform others in their life (to a reasonable degree) and reach out to them.
I think it comes down to a combination of awkwardness and procrastination: we don't know what to say so we put it off, hoping a 'right time' will come along. The passage of time doesn't lessen the original awkwardness, instead it adds the embarrassment of having left it so long, we now have to come up with the right thing to say AND the excuse for why we left it so long. It becomes doubly hard to overcome it, so we just stay in the procrastination rut until one day we decide it is now 'too late' to say something.
In my 20's I withdrew from a friend when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She was in her 30's with four kids and I have lived with regret and guilt that I did that for those very reasons. I had no idea what to say or do around that. Now I'm a doctor and had to learn how to have hard conversations and am so thankful it was part of my training so I can use those skills in my personal life as well. Thank you for sharing.
You still owe it to that person to fix this. She still suffers from the betrayal.
@@joob40 No idea where she lives.
@@joob40 “you owe it to that person?” Slightly harsh there. Ngl.
@@TheLisaGate Wow... someone created a lifelong attachment trauma for this "friend," and you're worried about ME being "harsh" by telling her that it's her responsibility to make amends? Good lord. Clueless. How many nights has this woman spent in tears as she remembers how she was abandoned? How has it affected all her relationships since then? Can she even get close with anyone, knowing what humans are capable of? These things traumatize a person for life. But let's go on about how "harsh" I am. Get a reality check.
@@kimberlyallen6582 So find out. You live in the information age.
I'm one of these people who absolutely want to be left alone when dealing with something bad. However, the fact that people close to me let me know that they're there for me in case I need it, has been much appreciated every time. When I'm on the other end and a friend is going through something I just reach out and ask them if they need a shoulder to cry on or just some space and respect their wish. I think the most important thing is to check what that person needs first of all and never assume which one of the two it is. It's possible that someone who usually needs space will someday be in a situation that will make them want to talk or the other way around.
Great advice. I remember hating how people got uncomfortable talking to me when my dad died. The last thing I needed was their pitty.
I ask my friends if they want to talk about their loss or want to be distracted from it. I am there for them to have a deep conversation or send them ridiculous memes to try to make them smile.
@@XSemperIdem5 this is what I do, after hearing a friend say she was sick of people saying they're "sorry" since it felt more like pity than support. I've had a few friends lose very close relatives in the last few years and have told them the same as you, "My sympathies to you and your family. I know this is difficult; just tell me what you need, and I'm there." Personally, I've appreciated people saying "sorry" or expressing sympathy however, but everyone grieves differently and infers things differently.
Same, I hated the eggshell vibe and how everyone was just regurgitating the shit said on hallmark cards. It felt... Offensively generic, i guess? I was absolutely open to tearful reminiscing and that sort of stuff, but just condolences felt... Forced and intrusive, like they felt that was the protocol and they had to do that even though I didn't know them from John Doe getting his coffee downtown.
@@neoqwerty this is _exactly_ why communication is so important. People hear that, but don't seem to actually listen. It's not offensive to ask someone what they want/need, it *is* offensive to just assume and end up being that person just regurgitating hollow "helpful" statements. The most "eggshell" thing I do is ask if anything I'm saying or suggesting is too upsetting or if they'd prefer a different direction of conversation. I'm the type of person that uses laughter to help with grief, but not everyone wants that, and it's ok to check. We all grieve differently and you can't know what someone needs if you don't ask.
@@Amarianee yea! people are so scared to ask anything it seems, me included, and i wish it was something that we were taught more. relationships seem to come with this notion that we must automatically know what everyone needs, no questions asked. like, it’s treated as rude to ask what someone needs when it’s the best thing you can do! idk maybe it’s just me n where i grew up but i see it a lot whether it’s grief or just intimacy.
A Close friend's son had kidney disease. I was tested to give a kidney lobe. I had a blood clot and couldn't donate. He and his family stopped talking to me. 15 years later, it still hurts.
Going through the process of being a donor, you get super tested - to be sure you are capable.
A psychiatrist actually met me too - and warned it had happened to other donors. Wow.
That's so horrible. I am so sorry for what happened and I can't imagine the level of pain that you experienced.
This hurts me so much to read. My dad received an anonymous kidney donation in 2020, and during the process his best friend was getting tested to be a match. BFF didn’t match, but he and his family are still family to us. This is how it should have been for you and I’m so sorry that it wasn’t. So much love and healing energy to you, and SOOO much appreciation to people willing to be donors! 💗
My point is grief, shock, whatever it was, it happens. I'm still speechless
That's so sad especially when you were willing but not suitable
That is absolutely horrible. You would think they would get closer, since you at least went through the rigamarole to _try_ . It's not your fault it didn't work out. You could have just said no, but you made a massive effort. You are an amazing person and amazing friend who did not deserve that response. Keep being awesome 💜💜
i was ghosted by my best friend of almost ten years just last month. she was my everything. i was closer to her than anyone else in my life. we’ve both dealt with mental health problems for forever and sometimes take breaks from talking, but we’ve always come back. this time she didn’t. months into her taking a break i noticed her active online, hanging out with friends, dating a nice boy, looking happier than i’d ever seen her before. she had also deleted all of our playlists, tags, every reference to me or our relationship was gone. i had been going through hell for the months that she wasn’t talking to me, missing her and trying to process my sudden increase in home problems, and seeing that all of a sudden just broke me completely. all i ever wanted was for her to be happy, if getting rid of me means better for her then i can accept that but i just wanted to hear anything, anything from her one last time. i wanted to at least say goodbye. it hurts to live with the lack of resolution
I feel like this video found me at a time I really needed it. I went through some pretty traumatic experiences involving sexual harassment and sexual assault. Only a few weeks leading up to a trial I had, I reached out to a friend to let her know since she was a witness in the case and had been there for me before. It was only then that I realized she had already cut me off completely. She was still in contact with the rest of my friends.
It took me a long time to get over the pain of losing a friend and wondering why she left, but also to accept that she just didn't want to deal with how much I had changed because of my experiences. I realized that there was a real burden that came with being my friend as I learned how to live normally again, and maybe she didn't want to deal with the darkness of it all. At the end of the day, I can't blame her for that decision because we've all been there, and I always had others who were there for me
I have always been an introvert who runs away from awkward situations / conflict, and remembers nearly every instance where I have made a complete fool of myself through words or deeds. My autistic son, who struggles to understand normal social interaction / convention, has the courage to say what is on his mind regardless of how awkward it might make things, because he understands how incredibly lonely it can be when the lines of communication are cut. He would rather have constant limited communication than none at all.
I haven't spoken to my uncle since before my dad died. there was a lot of hurt, even before their parents died. just reached out and I'm nervous as hell, but you gave me the courage to do it.
May some incredible healing come to both of you! 🤗🌹
It’s been four weeks, what happened?
I hope you two were able to reconnect ❤️
Yes! I can totally relate, when I was 35, my Mom died after a relatively short battle (11 mos) with cancer… I had friends and family kind of ghost me, which sucked because after my mom got through chemo, radiation & surgery and we thought they got it all, we bought a condo together, and then a few months later we found out the cancer was back and metastasized and they gave her 5-6 weeks to live, she died 5 weeks later, so i had a condo filled with her things (and mine) and really no one to help me deal with it… my best friend at the time totally ghosted me, i found out later she was struggling with her sexuality and was dating a woman for the first time, I’m totally cool with people discovering and living their truth, i have a close family member who is out… that’s not what hurt, it’s that when i really needed her, she wasn’t there, she just never called, never had time for me… But looking back, i also realized i was avoiding people, i was being reclusive, because i was devastated, i was offered a year of free counseling and should have taken advantage of it but didn’t, i totally regret that now, but as I’ve gotten older i can look back on it all and realize I’ve matured and learned healthier coping skills, i’ve learned to get help, and to reach out to friends and family and lean on them when and if i need them, but I’m still a work in progress, aren’t we all? I love your videos Jo, you’re super relatable :-)
Thanks for posting your story. When I lost a ton of weight I lost several of my friends. Ghosted. No invites to happy hour anymore or weekend get togethers. It was strange. Then women at work gossiped and criticized my weight loss. It was so upsetting because it was the first time I felt okay in my own skin. It was just so unexpected. Took me about a year to get over it and go out again and try to make new friends.
They might have assumed you would look down on them now that you're a goddess,lol. I bet if you had confronted them they would have said YOU had changed! Congratulations on the new body and new (and better) friends
On myspace back in the day my old best friend made a post and it was about me but I thought it was about her being bulimic. I reached out to her n asked if shes ok and she told me the post was about me not her! I was in utter shock because I love food and would never intentionally throw up like that I dont even know how to! Gosh to post something like that to our entire group I'm talking family friends coworkers. She was so bothered by my weight loss that she couldn't accept I lost it the right way. She would follow me to the bathroom!!! She told everyone we know what she thought of me and tried ruining my journey.
Within the past year since loosing my leg I have had both friends and family remove themselves from my life. Thank you for always posting great content Jo. You help more people than you know.
I hope that it gets better over time
Has anyone given you any sort of explanation as to why? Bc I just don’t get why some people do this!!
@@UGAgradRN zero contact since shortly after surgery. No explanation. Someone once said that it may be too difficult for some folks to handle.
@@mikegriffin2904 I just don’t get what kind of person would ghost a good friend because their friend’s traumatic experience feels too much for THEM to handle. That means they were never a friend to begin with. That just means they didn’t want to be expected to be there for you. They just expected you to be there for them. Gross. Some people are so selfish and self centered. If anything, I’d imagine myself in that position and straighten myself out quickly. Because it could always be you and not “the other guy” in a life changing position.
@@UGAgradRN EXACTLY! This shows their true character and you’re better off without people like that! Narcissism is at an all time high these days.
I feel like this video saved a dear friendship of mine. My grandma died last year and I felt like it's been so long since I last saw my friend. I thought she had abandoned me for having so much baggage, when in reality she was just waiting for me to reach out. Thank you for letting me see her side of things (as this was yet another way my social anxiety ruins my life, making me overthink things too personally)
One thing I learned is, if you want a friendship reach out no matter what. If that said friend doesn't return it, that friendship may only exhaust you further. Don't let your anxiety tell you what the other person thinks.
Hope that it works out for you ^^
i feel that, as someone with gad and ptsd
something that tends to help me is telling myself “the worst that can happen is _”
sounds gloomy but it gives me a “practice round” to prepare myself for potential pain, and keeps me from reacting negatively.
sometimes you gotta treat ur anxiety like a scared little kid, and tell them it’s okay and that you have a back up plan in case things go south.
@@ticcitoasty yes I have tried that before
She’s the one with the problem, you lost a leg, she hit something she could not face. You seem to be doing fine. Move on, leave it behind. Keep on keeping on. Cheers.
I feel so lucky that after my sister died this year, none of my friends ghosted. You have so many good points here on how to approach grief 💚
Although you lost your foot, you never lost your personality. Thanks for being an amazing person!
There is nothing "Good" or "Right" you can say but you can always listen. Letting someone in grief just talk without trying to "Help" can be the best thing you can do.
Often we assume that the other person should be the one to reach out, and forget that they might be expecting the same of us. I think Guy Winch captures that pretty well in his Ted Talk "Why we all need to practice emotional first aid." It's something that I had a hard time understanding for a long time. It does make it even harder though when you do reach out and get nothing in return...
I can definitely relate to both sides of this. As for the uncomfortable/withdrawn side, I think it was more not as much as uncomfortable, but moreso I was too afraid to commit fully into taking care of someone in the future, because, as someone with BPD and MDD, I could barely take care of myself, and I've been taking care of others wayyyyyy wayyyy too much for wayyyyy too long.
Now, on the other side, I was diagnosed with cancer at 30. Last year, actually. It was really lonely for a while. People who haven't spoken to me in a long time reached out, but the closest friends didn't say much, and I felt like I was just left alone on my journey. A lot of people thought that I had hundreds of messages from all over. No... I ended up being alone most of my journey. Until I finally spoke up about it to people.
If anyone is curious, I still have it as far as I know, but it has shrunken a lot.
I hope your journey with cancer just gets better from here on out. It's a horrible disease. I'm not sure if you're religious, but I'll pray for you. :)
When I was 11 years old I was diagnosed with CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It affects my right hand/wrist and my right foot/ankle. When i first first diagnosed the pain was really severe. After I was diagnosed and could no longer be active with my friends and cousins, they all stopped hanging out with me and talking to me. It really hurt, and even made me contemplate suicide. As an adult now I do understand that they were just kids, and they didn't mean to hurt me. But it really did suck at the time and my relationship with all them is either non existent or just not the same as before
my sister finished cancer treatment today and although we had a celebration 🎉 I was a little sad that almost none of our close family members made the effort to come and thought her whole treatment they was so much silence :/ not even a check up on how we were doing … people always felt awkward asking or talking about my sister. Really sad, but glad we had each other there and Jesus on our side 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 praise God for her healing🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
To be fair,most the people I grew up with stopped talking to me when I became disabled.The nerve damage and Brain damage was severe and I can understand.Its hard enough to deal with myself not able to do things I used.I get that it's difficult for them to see me and frankly it's embarrassing to me even after 20 years to be so fucked up in front of people that a knew a different person.
I love how you said "I hope you do well and best of luck" to the friend, and not "hey im here if you want to renew friendship". Whatever happened there, that is NOT a friend, and will never ever be again. Friends do not do this sh**
If you're in the UK, you can ask your pharmacy to dispense your medications into dossett boxes. These are boxes that are divided up into days and times of days, so Monday-Sunday and Breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime medications. This can make it much easier to manage your medications because it's much easier to see whether you've had your medications or not.
Do you need to be a certain age? I know we did this for my great granny but I'm in my 20s and even tho I'm chronically ill and housebound most days I still feel dirty asking for services like this😅
@@whocares269 You don't. I'm 20, look younger than that, and just bought one for myself the other day. No one should ask you your age.
Edit: you can also buy those online.
@@whocares269 No, not at all. Just speak to your pharmacy about it.
@@whocares269 don't feel guilty about asking for stuff that makes life easier for you.
In Canada, these are called blister packs (among other names) but they work the same way! Ask your pharmacist, they’re very standard and done basically everywhere!
I’ve been here since my auntie had her leg amputated around a year before before Jo, and it helped me so much find out what she would have went though if she did end up living long enough to get a prosthetic.
Rip to your auntie:(
I'm sorry for your loss. Aunties are so special.
@@1sharewithu771
She was, I have memories of when my mam worked two jobs when I was basically a toddler. I’d spend my days with her colouring. She kept all my pencils in a biscuit bin and on the lid had a picture of a rabbit I coloured in on top. And I’d sit at her desk and pretend to be a doctor talking to her and my uncle. She was the glue that kept my family together. Literally.
@@whyamigae9666 What a nice memory of your auntie. She was wonderful, just like mine.
I have had this happen to me when I lost my husband at a very young age. We were both in our early fifties and very active and healthy when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I had several friends that literally did not know what to say or do after my husband died and so they just ghosted me. No calls, no texts, no emails, just silence. At first I was hurt because it seemed like they were mad at me. It was like I had done something wrong. The reality was, they didn’t know what to say to me, so they chose silence. I was lucky though as another friend gave me a book for widows and one of the chapters in the book actually addressed how some people literally don’t know how to act when something traumatic happens, or in this case when their friend who was “too young” to be a widow became a widow. This book helped me understand what those friends where potentially feeling and why they cut me off so unexpectedly. In my case, I was able to fix the issue by calling them and talking to them openly and honestly. I was able to let them know I was ok talking about my husbands unexpected death, and I understood what they were feeling. That is not always something that is easy right after a traumatic event though if one or both parties are struggling to deal with the issue. I still see the same thing happen to a lesser extent when I am with new people who do not know my past and they might mention my husband assuming I have a husband, and then I say that I am a widow. I also see it when people have parties and they just don’t invite me because I am a third wheel and everyone else in the group is a couple. I think it has allot to do when whatever has happened is an out of the ordinary thing. Like me loosing my husband when most people my age are still a part of a couple, or in your case you are young and beautiful and you are missing a limb. Those things are just not supposed to happen, and we are not schooled in how to handle something like that, and some find it easier to simply run away from the issue instead of facing it.
It’s because they are couples and you are single, so they have nothing in common with you any more. Also, the wives are afraid you will have an affair with their husbands.
I get it. I used to think I had a LOT of friends. When I was 25, living my best life, I was diagnosed with renal failure. I spent a month in the hospital, and people I thought were my closest friends absolutely disappeared from my life, and people I thought I barely knew, took the time to come and sit with my in my isolation room, every day, just to talk, and spend time. It meant a tremendous amount to me that they did this. You don't know who your friends really are, until you're at rock bottom.
Awe :( my friend left me because my horse died, she was toxic and this is a reminder to keep going :)
@@whocares269 what a jerk to ask this
@@carlapoohlockett2442 didn't mean to be a dick, no need to call me a "jerk" for trying to understand why tf someone would someone ditch a friend bc their pet died otherwise?
@@carlapoohlockett2442 I want to know too! That was definitely not a sentence I was expecting to read in the comments. Somebody makes a comment like that and then just strolls away, never to be heard from again? That's outrageous. Of course people are going to have questions about the situation. With the few details we have here, it makes no sense.
It is really hard to have difficult conversations. I still struggle with it. I'm autistic and I am known for saying the wrong thing...so instead I express that there's nothing I can say to change such a terrible situation but I am here to listen and be a shoulder to lean on. I think I'm better at doing things for people dealing with difficult situations rather than saying something eloquent. I've delivered food to friends recovering from surgery and helped friends move away from abusers. I'm really good in an emergency and when asked for advice I think I give level headed and helpful advice too. Grief is difficult because I've never experienced it myself but I try to support my partner who lost his sister years ago. I never know what to say but I ask him about her life and encourage him to tell me about his feelings of grief.
For someone known for saying the wrong thing, I think that what you have said is what people needed to hear. And it's lovely that you also volunteer to do stuff to support them.
I’m so sorry you were abandoned. I lost my son over a year ago and to this day there are some family members who have not yet acknowledged my loss.
I've just undergone my 2nd BKA (Below Knee Amputation) and I want to thank you from my 💖 for making it easier to adjust the loss of part of my left leg...you have given me hope that my life isn't over...new subscriber and so happy I found your channel!!! Much love...Peter 😊
Honestly, I don't mind if people leave me alone when I'm going thru something, like when I lost my leg. But I really did appreciate those who reached out to me too. I just kind of go with the flow on that.
I lost a 2nd brother to Covid on NYs eve. I've been so busy, but also so amazed at how many people have sent cards or messages.
Sorry for your loss... 😢
@@WatanabeNoTsuna. 💞
So sorry to hear that you lost your brother in NY Eve😭😭😭 due to Covid. I can't imagine the pain that you're going through right now. Hope you have other family members or friends to talk to. Take care of yourself and stay safe.
@@pinkrose5796 I actually lost my oldest brother in December of 2020 to Covid, then my 2nd oldest brother in December of 2021, also to Covid.
You never realize how quickly you can lose people until it happens. I'm the only one left of my immediate family, although I have a great son and husband who just hustle and get things done. It has been awful and over 2 weeks later it's not much better.
Great video, Jo. I think we've all been on both sides of this kind of experience. One lesson that I learned was that even if one makes an effort to empathize, there may turn out to be nothing that is reciprocated when circumstances reverse the roles.
I’m disabled from my chronic illness, I was undiagnosed for many many years. I lost all of my friends. They stopped talking to me & never told me why. I was there for them through everything, no matter how depressing or whether I understood it, I was there. I have never abandoned a friend, so it just makes me sad that people I would have been there for for life are gone with no reason.
That is sad. I know that friends often grow apart, sometimes a partner does not like the friend so they cause less frequent contact. No matter the cause or reason there is always hope that a truly good friend will renew contact.
I've had this happen with friends a few times, all with no explanations - you realise that the phone works both ways and I never want to push someone to remain my friend. Would be nice if people had the courage to tell you though, instead of slowly having to realise yourself!
I have had a friend “ghost” me before and it sucks. I don’t know why she stopped talking to me. I recently actually called her and forgave her for what happened and asked for forgiveness on any part I played in it. On pondering that conversation I realized she might not know why she decided to distance herself from me either and that brings me a lot of peace. I had spent a good two years upset with her and getting the opportunity to forgive her and close that chapter was really great and healing.
Are you guys planning to stay in contact going forward?
All my friends have done that to me litterally all of them except one my bestie for five years who stole something of mine lied to me and my boyfriend knowing that me or him would get in trouble for her lies.
I just stopped caring honestly other than her ive only had a handful of close friends ny entire life i now have trust issues with friendships lol
@@allosch9 No we are not. We are no longer in the same circles. I feel like that chapter in my life is closed. I am okay with that.
@@anamariap8032It must have been very uncomfortable and a bit scary for you to initiate that last conversation, not knowing if the outcome would make things better or worse. Your own sense of closure clearly is a positive for you.
Just curious, may I ask if you if you had any way of knowing how the other person felt after your conversation was over? Did you sense if other person had a similar sense of closure as well?
The reason I ask is because I am planning to have a few "closure" conversations of my own. Your experience inspires me to move forward with them.
I remember one day when I was about 15, I tearfully confided in a good friend of mine that I was severely traumatized as a kid. It was an incredibly raw and scary moment for me to open up about it. I remember her crying with me and not knowing what to say and then her parents suddenly came home and we both acted like nothing had happened so they wouldn't pry. After that, she never initiated any contact with me, and it hurt me so much. Watching this video helps me let go of some of that hurt. I would also be really uncomfortable if a close friend told me something that intense, especially if I had no idea what to say. Maybe she was scared of hurting me and she did the same thing, or maybe she experienced a similar trauma and it was just too much of a reminder to spend time with me. We never did hang out again, but I do hope she's well and fulfilled in her life.
I’m not surprised. People don’t want to be reminded of how awful life can be. They don’t want their own lives dragged down to the level of your own misfortunes. They want their own lives to stay at a safe distance from troubles like yours. They don’t want to be contaminated.
FFS you just made me realise I low-key ghosted my own sister for two years since she was diagnosed with a degenerative illness. Ok I live abroad and she had been an absent/oppositional b*tch for a while but still I friggin' ghosted her after the diagnosis. Thank you!
I had a friend ghost me after a major surgery. I was pretty hurt about it for a while. We eventually got back in touch and smoothed things over. I’ve definitely avoided people who I knew were going through stuff out of fear of saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say but I think when you realize that what they’re going through isn’t about you, it takes the pressure off and to know that even a small gesture in their time or need or sorrow is probably appreciated more than silence.
This actually happened to me too. One of my best friends from high school and was my roommate for a while. She came over one day a few months after my amputation. Didn't hear from her until a week later when she told me she didn't feel comfortable being around me anymore. It's been over a year since we've talked and it really hurt at first, but now I realize that I'm not the problem.
no your not, you don't turn into a monster when you lose a limb. I never understood why people could react like this. I hope you have other friends on who you can depend on when you need them. Real friends stick together
I don’t even know what people mean when they say garbage like this. It really makes no sense to me why people would distance themselves from a friend who’s experienced something like this. I can understand this ONLY if they were the reason it happened. I need someone who feels this way to explain to me why they feel this way.
@@UGAgradRN right? 🤦♀️
Some people are just toxic and self-centered.
@@UGAgradRN yeah I seriously don’t even get it. Like, it’s not like disabled people emit a toxic gas or something?!
I responded to a 10 year old email from a friend I didn't know very well, but who helped me a lot in a time of great vulnerability. He responded the next day and was so sweet. We have had pretty regular email content since (he lives on the other side of the world, so that's easiest. Loved this, really appreciate your authenticity, in this and other content.
No matter how one sees grief, be a foot or someone you know, it is one of the hardest things to understand in life! In my opinion, it is best not to run or hide from grief because grief will find you one day and force to face grief it will you more! In my opinion, it is best to face grief, so that when you see grief given enough time, and hopeful, some wisdom comes your way you learn to deal with grief the best way you can because with time the old you get grief will get you and hit you harder it is best to not do that! Everyone faces grief, and there is no right way there is your way do your best to not judge others, and how they deal with grief in a way that makes no sense to you why because it is not your grief even if you are grieving over the same thing learn to let go, and move on! The older you get, the more grief you will do, and no it is not easier the more you do it, you just take it, and move on! I have lost many friends and family, I am no better at dealing with grief than you, and I am too old to run from grief because it found me nowhere to run nowhere to hide!
This hits home. Both in reflecting on those who haven't stayed and reflecting on the times I've failed to stay.
Thank you for this, Jo. 💜
When you don't wanna say the wrong thing, just ask questions. How are you feeling about it? Do you feel like you wanna talk about it now or nah? Can I help you in any way? It will likely happen naturally that you are changing subjects to something less intense, and letting them guide the rhythm and not forcing anything is a great way. Our curiosity isn't as important as their feelings, time will answer everything that stays unspoken.
Seriously, my wife and I have been through two child deaths. Our best friends to this day did ONE thing. They were there. No words, there for us. They also had the wisdom to know when to simply be available. You are helping others! Well done, good and faithful one!
I appreciate so much your perspective here and thoughtful, introspective approach to this topic and totally agree with you. And tomorrow I will reach out to a friend who came to mind while watching this. We both experienced separate events of life-altering grief within a couple of weeks of each other last year and there’s been a gulf between us ever since. It’s time to work on rebuilding some ties and this video helped drive home the importance of doing just that
It’s really sad that she just ghosted you, I’m sorry that happened. I’m lucky to have had the opposite thing happen to me, I had emergency surgery two days ago and someone I haven’t spoken to in a few years for various reasons actually reached out to me and offered to get me their notes for a couple university classes we both have. It was simple but also really great for me because although I can attend some via zoom it’s also difficult to take notes right now. Sometimes reaching out to someone with even the most basic “I’m thinking of you” is something that can show them you care and are there for them.
Aw, I'm so sorry that your friend left you over the amputation. That sounds so cruel. You seem like such a positive uplifting person and I think a lot of people would want to be your friend.
Yup, been there on both sides.
I had a good friend whom I considered to be my best friend at one time, ghost me last year. As we were casually chatting and catching up he just stopped responding and that was it. I was there for him when he was battling cancer so it hurt, but it also kind of numbed me out when it comes to intimate connections.
On the other hand I have also been the ghoster once. I ghosted a girl I was seeing who I was really into right after she opened up about some serious trauma that she had been through and she also revealed that she had some pretty serious issues. However that was not the only reason I ghosted her. Right after the last time I saw her I noticed she was pretty manipulative and she decided to seek attention from other guys to (assumably) make me jealous or at least make me feel shitty. Still not sure if I did the right thing because I felt like there was a genuine connection.
You still don't know if it's ok to ghost someone? Really? Use your words and break up like an adult.
I needed this in this exact moment. And I’m reaching out to someone right now because of you. Thank you!
My best friend after hs straight up ghosted me. There is still an ache there as I never got a goodbye even. We were friends since second grade. I think it probably was alot, things I was going through. I'd love to reconnect, but its so akward now after years.
Every friend I ever had has ghosted me in the past 3 years. Didn't help that my ex did a year ago as well. 0 explanations, 0 responses. I now have more friends in foreign countries that I've never seen face to face, than people to hang out with physically. I'm trying not to take it too personally, but it's kind of hard.
I had a similar situation, and have been working to repair about a decade of estrangement. It’s actually been very healing, but it’s nice to know someone else has experienced something similar. Thanks for sharing your story.
I love how you aren’t angry at her, you just realize “hey people sometimes make mistakes and people are awkward” instead of being angry or upset. THANKYOU for making this video and best of luck on growing you leg back
I hope I’m not being insensitive
Give it time, hoping we can get to that point. The asteroid will probably hit though, right after regeneration and fusion power are perfected.
I love your honesty in this story. I think I have the same habit, of pushing myself away when I'm uncomfortable facing a friend in an unfamiliar situation. Thank you for the encouragement, Jo.
Hi Jo, I have been watching your videos since the very beginning of your chanel and I just want to say thank you. You are sharing very important aspects of human behaviour and incredibly wise words with us. I absolutely love spending evenings or breaks watching your videos and btw your mug is so cool!❤
Yes I have been on both sides of a "challenging" situation and have not been proud of my reactions. I have evolved to making a contact with the person whose life has drastically changed to a simple direct contact with a , "call or text me anytime", matched with contact numbers or telling a person whom I know is in close contact with that individual with that same message. It is hard not to dwell on that persistent internal voice saying, "you do not want to make things worse".
My BEST friend has recently decided to opt for elective amputation for the same reason you did. To escape pain.
I have done everything in my power to let her know she will not be different to me. That I’ll still love her. And be there.
Thank you for this video
You have skillfully and accurately articulating a very difficult thing here. My hats off to you for your positivity and general positive outlook. I don’t suffer from the fear of being awkward, only because I think I was brought up around it when I was young. So now I find it frustrating when I run into people just as you’ve described, who are afraid. My advice to everyone in that difficult situation is to “ to just be” with your friend. Words will follow when appropriate. Keep up the good work I love your channel.
I had one of my closest friends also ghost me. She moved away and my mom says it must have devastated her and found it too hard to stay in contact with me. But she stayed in contact with her other friends who i knew just never emailed nor called me me back even after i had tried many times. Still don't know what happened. I was heartbroken for a while afterwards.
Unfortunately I recognize some of this. 2 years ago I was in hospital for about 4 months due to a aplastic anemia and some people you just never hear from again. I also noticed that some people wanted to be there or do something but they didn't know what. Like you say, I think it is very hard to do the right thing when you have naver been in a similar situation.
Everyone I know with a chronic illness lost friends when they got sick, myself included. Sometimes ALL your friends. I try so hard to get across to people that it barely matters what you say, it just matters that you show up.
Never assume that someone closer to the person is taking care of them. There have been times I reached out to a distant friend going through a rough time only to find out I was the only person who did.
I’ve never lost a leg but I’ve been ghosted by a friend and it still hurts.
Had a good friend for 25 years, shared our love of horses, rode together a lot, helped her with her horses. She gave up riding when she thought she needed to stop riding after an accident where she broke her ribs and collarbone trying out a horse for sale. I helped her during her hospitalization, but then she simply stopped all contact. Totally ghosted. Have not heard from her since then. It was right before my father passed, so I didn't give it much attention at the time. But later on, when I realized she basically wanted nothing more to do with me, I felt a bit hurt by it. In perspective, I think it was better for me to lose that friend, due to other conflicts we had, but it was still a rather long relationship that just ended like she'd died.
Another friend I'd had for many years simply messaged me one day and said, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." And that was that. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Haven't heard from her since, either. Another horse friend who was getting out of horses. Maybe they both simply identified my role in their lives as being connected to something they didn't have anymore, so the connection to me was also lost.
Hi I can fully understand what your saying. I became an amputee last July and before that I had quite a few friends and spoke to ex work colleagues. But as soon has I had my leg taken off everything changed and people stopped contacting me. I tried contacting them but only got one word answers or it would take them days to answer. I think some of them thought I was too much trouble since I could not go anywhere unless it was disabled friendly. I say forget them and live each day has it comes.
Just screw them and live your life and be happy
@@kawthar7339 exactly!
I’ve had a similar experience with a close friend ghosting me and it’s been twenty years and it still bothers me. Thanks so much for your honesty and willingness to put yourself out there in such a personal way with people whom you don’t know. It says a lot about your courage and character.
I’m very thankful that you posted this. I also very much regret the way I reacted to a friend in need