Trying to make it work with a narcissist is like pouring water into a bucket with holes. No matter how much you put in, your efforts just keep leaking away.
The more you try and make it work with a narcissist, you will just end up burning yourself out. You have to understand that they cannot make it work with themselves. And their trauma, drama and chaos is not your responsibility. You are only responsible for yourself.
20 years with a narcassistic husband i got him out my life and went on to get a puppy had more love shown to me by my pup in 4 short months than what that thing ever showed me.
You have nailed it dr Ramani. Narcisistic relationships are not sustainable, they are eternal oneway relationships, where you constantly have to cater to their changing expectations and are treated as an object used to meet their needs and regulate their unpredictable and changing moods. You have to turn your authenticity off and are forced to behave in a dishonest way which in essence is enabling their evil behaviour to wreak more havoc in the world. There are no ways you can make adult life problems work out fine with narcissistic people whose emotional development has been arrested at a pre adolescent age. Thank you for your immense help and support 😊 God bless you ❤
Good for you! Keep going....I'm almost at 9 years no contact and life only got saner and better without their crazy sh*t derailing me every single day....
babysitting them is the absolut right term, you basically have a child as partner. problem is, when you try to shape them, they feel patronized and accuse you of it. so yes, keeping the dog and leaving the narc was the right decision for me. the dog gives me more cuddles and love in one week than the narc did in the past 24 years...
My best work-around is to talk with strangers when I go for a walk. Many are only too happy to talk, resulting in wonderful chats free of anger and contempt. It's a life saver!
It's amazing how much physical damage these toxic relationships can cause. After learning enough to have a PhD, we can finally focus on our body and mental healing. Best wishes to you. I recommend anti-inflamatory vitamins, minerals, and diet. 🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤
My mother was my first narc. Everything was my fault and I became the target of her vitriol. I had no power. My father revealed himself over my lifetime as a wimp who didn’t protect me. He was Neville Chamberlain. Peace at any price. Peace for him but I paid the price. I cut them out. They left me nothing. But my own peace which was worth the price.
When I ignored the bad, she escalated into forced confrontations, ultimately resulting in shocking, horrid false accusations. Worn down after I finally left? To put it mildly.
I praised my ex NARCISSIST for over 30 years. 🤢Finally the praise became truth in the form of insults. As they say the truth shall set you free! 🥰(freedom 9-12-22) anyone else?
Another problem with praising a narcissist's good behaviour is the praise can sometimes feed their aggrandized self-opinion and make them even more arrogant.
My dog does an excellent job at regulating himself. When he gets anxious/stressed, he grabs his bone and chews it until he's calm. And I didn't teach him that, he just naturally does this behavior. My dog is better at regulating/soothing himself than many humans!
Ive in the past tried to make it work with a narc, but it didn’t work out and in fact I ended up getting shorted again and again. They forever attempting to change other to their own liking. Theyre only concerned about themselves. The manipulations are such mind ucks its sickening and depressing.
Love your videos Dr. Ramani, they are so inspirational. So many people criticize those of us stuck in one of these relationships, because they do not fully understand the situation we are in. Thirty years in and I have finally realize that this will never work. The constant stress has brought on several health issues breast cancer, COPD, thyroid, and constant unusually high heart rates from the constant confusion and foggy thinking that comes from dealing with these MONSTERS. I am considering divorce but have to get my support people on board. I have considered this many times, but the fear of being alone ultimately forces me to stay. I have lost who I was and my purpose in life. I pray that I am successful this time. Any encouraging words and advice would be much appreciated. Thank you again Dr. Ramani for your videos.
RUN, Yes you will have some difficult times Feel lonely Plan ahead if possible Hopefully you will have a support network, Not Enablers I have been in the same situation Health issues, and not cared for by my Ex husband, Afterwards I now know, thanks to listening to Dr Ramani, I was ? Damaged goods, and he already had New Supply Your health and well-being will improve DONT go back I wish you well
I was where you are now just 4 months ago and the pain and suffering at times feels unbearable. BUT with self love, Jesus and education I am healing inch by inch. You know the truth of Narcs evil- The grief is a hard stage- I grieve for me now- I gave 40yrs to my ex and i did not know who, what, or where i was. You are a beautiful child of God - I would rather be alone than abused for one Breath .
After trying to make it work with a narc (in hindsight, full blown person with NPD) for years, I gave up so much of myself up with the hopes that the relationship would work out. 7 months away from my abuser, I am still struggling to find myself again. I was lucky because I had the resources to leave, but the healing is taking longer than I thought. I suffer from the guilt for putting up with his behavior for so long. Behavior is definitely a language. I wish I would have listened instead of trying to make it work. Take the dog and leave while there is still some of you left, so you can have an easier time rediscovering who your authentic self used to be.
Be kind to yourself, you got out. Reading Psalms was a big help to me when I was going through my divorce. Exercise, even if it is walking, will help clear your brain. Get plenty of sleep, it will help you heal. Go No Contact, the fastest way to heal.
Hi Dr. Ramani, I'm your follower,thank you so much. Now I understand why they blame me despite my sacrificed in my family. I got married at 40 because I help them but Instead they see my sacrificed,they make me as their enemy. I realized that my family is narcissistic.my father is covert narc.and my sister too. Watching from phillipines.
8 years out & divorced & will always tune in to DrRamini's daily videos. I have never forgotten for even a moment what I suffered from trying to make it work with a malignant narcissist and the many surgeries I experienced due to the stress of trying to live with his appalling abuse & try keep all the trains running on time alone with 3 children One of my surgeries being breast cancer My body was giving up It simply can not be done Don't allow the enablers, the flying monkeys, the various cultures, etc, force any of you into trying to make it work as if you do continue to try your body will one day present its price The survivors suffer the consequences of staying Run as fast as your two legs can bring you & trust me your life will definitely get better Find a good trauma focused therapist & rebuild your life Another brilliant video, DrRamini. Thank you & bless you
Very wise. I’ve found that in dealing with the narcissists in my life, one must do all this navigating in silence, which makes it even harder. Please, if you’re in any relationship with a narcissist and can’t get out, find people who you can trust and spend time with them.
I am getting so worn out by my narcissistic wife it is starting to affect my health ! I cant leave because she will end up with my 2 beautiful daughter's who adore me.
I found out that my covert narcissistic wife of 24 years was having a 15-year affair. I have 3 kids, including two daughters and our youngest, a son. I filed for divorce two weeks ago. If I did it, so can you. Praying for your strength
Wow, so Brilliant. One of the best summaries of "making it work" so far. I would have to transcribe the whole video to highlight the gold nuggets. YOU will forever be doing all the work and making all the changes while they continue in their entitled, minimizing, and blaming and shaming ways.
There is also fallout from trying to make it work with a narc's enablers. It doesn't work, and oftentimes the best choice is to go no contact with them as well if possible.
"Transactional charisma" is a cool new term for me. Charm and charisma are so separation oriented. Separation in a non-healthy way rather than what we're after which is healthy "separation" and healthy "union." We're after wholeness within ourselves.
"Narcissistic people don't hold on to the long-term historical arc of a relationship. They just react to their current mood." That is a profound statement on what you will realize with a narcissist. Another thing to say would be they have no "sentimentality" about you and your past together.
Great video, Dr. Ramani for saying all the right words that I needed to hear today. You are a God-send to all of us out here trying to navigate life with the narcissists in our lives.
They are always miserable and trying to out maneuver and impress someone cooler than you. They will say “nobody comes to visit them” when you’re sitting right in front of them. The will make you feel like a million bucks every time. So degrading of the self. ☹
Eternal one way street... it was exhausting !!! Leaving was so painfully hard and the fall out from leaving has been devastating ( but worth it ) it's a daily struggle to rebuild myself and heal especially while dealing with the fall out 😢💔💝
2:03 Oh HELL no to an "expert" advising praising narcs! Thank you for talking sense about this Dr. Ramani! So true that a dog is more likely to change with positive feedback and consistency! 😂💖🐕
These videos are so helpful dr Ramani, thank you so much! This one made think of my work place: the company I work for acts like a narc. I’m SO TIRED of walking on egg shells and having to be very careful to say the right thing in the right way, to be defensive all the time because the moment I get vulnerable people will use information against me, how they gaslight me and how I’m always the one wrong… I’m quitting, it will never “work” and it’s damaging me
I cannot think you enough, Dr. Ramani! Your channel here has made sense of my confusing childhood. I never understood why people could be so mean. And now I get it. I had already stopped talking with them. Going no contact was one of the best things I did for my mental health. But I still didn't understand and still kept picking partners that had similar characteristics. Hopefully, next time I decide someone is worth dating, they are also mentally healthy. Thank you so much for your help on my journey!
…I am a survivor, I was physically abused by the NARCISSIST I was involved with…I keep in touch with my previous neighbors and they informed me that he came around as if nothing had occurred, WEIRD SHIT!
Oof. This hit home. I THOUGHT my 1st husband had changed. He showed a willingness to try to mend our relationship. He did a whole bunch of future making. He came and spent a week with me, our daughter, & my son. Then he went home. TA DA! The switch flipped & all of a sudden, I was asking to much, doing everything wrong, blahblahblah. He has made minor positive changes on the surface. Deep down, he's still the guy that I loved so much that hurt me so bad. It was definitely painful to go through it all again after being separated for 21 years, divorced for 19 years. I would say I regret being kind & nice to him but i would be a liar. I needed to learn this on a soul level. It sucked but the illusion has finally shattered after all this time. I left him 21 years ago to keep our daughter safe but held on to a sliver of hope we would someday magically "fix it." I know better now. I'm continuing to work on me. I have things I want to accomplish in the 2nd half of my life. Cutting all those ties has finally happened and I can be happy on my own.
True. That described the last 26 yrs of my life. I keep getting minor sickness,pneumonia,hernia, IBS. I have just some out of minor surgery . I was really nervous about it, he (narcissist) was offended by something on the day and became really angry at me. I was so nervous of the pending surgery I did not say anything to defend myself. This is not uncommon and in the past I "worked around " his moods, petulance and temper. My sister drove me to the Hosp. Three days later when he picked me up a from Hosp. he was critical and angry It is very difficult to leave these relationships. They will not change! It will take a toll on your physical and mental health!! Our children, now grown up see how difficult he is. NOW !! it is my time. I'm healing my body at the moment and cannot do much but the situation highlighted just how ALONE I have been and just how much support I have missed out on. The above video speaks volumes.
Been out of the situationship for almost 6 years now and still I have difficulty remembering that the N's brain does not process life the way a healthy person's brain does. I really believe that it is a combination of early emotional trauma and its negative effects on the developing brain. HOWEVER!!!!! that does not ever excuse bad behavior and the breaking down of another person. They know how to act to be socially proper but refuse to put in the effort to do so with their partner. Parts of the brain are offline. That may be why they never change.
No matter how much you try to maneuver around such folks, the fallout is inevitable. They cannot be placated! They want to kill your hopes & inspiration because they have none
I think you have empathically tapped into my exact situation at exact same time as I am going through these issues. its blowing my fuckin mind EVERY DAY
This video is 🔥 Ditch the narcissist, keep the dog. I've never heard more realistic advice in my life!! You go Dr Ramani! I absolutely love your brutal honesty & that you're not afraid to show case it. I feel that acceptance is maybe the hardest part & so people could use a hard dose of reality. Thank you!!
Having been the person walking on eggshells and trying to make it work, understanding that they can't change who they are so I have to be the one to step back and let them "win," I have to say, it's not sustainable. It works for a time, but people need to be themselves eventually. You'll speak your truth at some point or it will come bursting out without your control. And then you'll have to go into damage control, apologize and accomodate to return things to the previous status and you're left feeling awful. But eventually you're gonna be fed up and leave and they'll call you crazy and childish blah blah blah but you need to keep your cool and move on. My only regret is how much time I spent complaining about my situation to others. I wish I had gotten over it sooner but it's all part of the healing process. The fact that I cared meant that the relationships were important to me and the fact that they couldn't care less is indicative of why I made the right choice. Even now I sometimes like to think that me leaving had an impact on them, so clearly I'm not fully healed, I still care. But it's a process, I'll get there eventually. Hopefully.
I’m struggling with dealing with some pent up resentment toward my non narcissistic mother for not standing up for my sibling and myself when we were kids. The fallout is horrifying and long-lasting. I’m 31 and haven’t lived with my narcissist father for YEARS and still continue to remember those awful moments but now wondering where was she through all of this??
Definitely spot on! It is mentally draining. I love her to point where I didn’t set boundaries and walked on eggshells. Realized that I was being used as an asset. Thankfully that I didn’t break no contact. Apart of does think about her but I have to quickly think how her actions affected my mental.
The narcissist chips away at your very soul. You die a little bit each day you endure their behavior. I spent 20 years with mine and am now free and able to be me again but it has taken a long time to heal. Best advice is to RUN and don't look back!!
Omg i think you made this just for me. I feel like your talking directly to me about my situation. I dont know how to explain how much this resonates with me right now. But wow you nailed it!!
Narcissists people will never change. Best decision ever to have gone through dating one and have learned to stay the hell away from these types of people, living in their self-centered head!
WOW! So good Dr. Ramani, so good! Sitting here eating chili dogs hanging on every word.😄Unhealthy treat. I'm in awe while listening to you because I remember thinking for years her toxic insanity was just an isolated case. I knew nothing about narcissistic traits, tactics and manipulations but always wondered why she relished in darkness. Why she felt evil was attractive? It wasn't and isn't. Wholehearted thanks for helping so many of us make sense of living nightmares!
This is it: EXACTLY. It never ceases to astonish me how only ONE person’s behaviour can bring everyone in their orbit down. It is fundamentally exhausting. The time and energy spent managing someone else’s behaviour because they cannot manage themselves is insanity.
I 'accommodated"...praised""..made allowances for..tried to help..talk..reason things out for 28 years...and when I finally found my voice and decided I was so worn out aand lonely..he killed himself. It gutted me..he blamed me in his note. His final act to be in control.
I used to jokingly tell my husband that in my next life, I would wish to be born as a husband - now I know somewhere deep down I already had this realisation that he won't change.. Not in this lifetime. Focusing on myself now.
This video is spot on! I finally had to cut ties with my toxic brother. I tried for years to be as pleasing as I could around him to avoid him going off on me. I got so tired of it, and the moment I put my needs first his true colors came out and he got vicious.
I am early on (less than 6 weeks) and he was THE reason I missed an appointment after making it crystal clear that I needed to leave by a certain time. His response was "you should've made it clear that we were running late" and never once took any accountability for his part. Even my friend said, "You should have left his ass there." I am seeing vibrantly colored pink (red?) flags. Constructive advice welcomed.
@@dlwilliamson5644. It’s just the beginning of their poor behavior. it’s still early so I would suggest you leave before that emotional bond is formed.
@@Lavagirl05 Thank you very much for your advice. Yes, if I end it now I will save myself from twisting my thoughts into a pretzel making excuses and rationalizations. Thank you again for the generosity of your response.
I am a preschool teacher and we do pour praises into our students, we mostly work with low income families that don't always have the necessary social skills. We do have a "rewards" system and it does work. However, as an adult, I do not expect praise for doing what is "normal" of me. My husband used to point out every time he helped me around the house (I was a SAHM) and it drove me crazy! He has gotten better at this, thankfully (it did take some time after I started working FT). I denied my true self for many years for fear of rocking the boat, but I no longer care what others think of me. Life is too short to not live out my authenticity.
“You can’t change them and they WILL wear you down”. Had Narc manager, resigned within 2 months, without another job lined up. What’s the cost to your soul? Left 30 year marriage and realize it’s best to distance yourself and have faith, there are good people worth your time. Don’t dig in, get out!
Exactly!.....my ex-cnpd wife said to me that "even when i tell her that, that was really well done or good or great, i sound as if was faking it". And i realized that my praises wasn't giving her the admiration and validation she needs anymore.
Exactly! I came to the realization that I was destroying myself all the while trying to appease them and choosing my battles. I thought about what it would be like to have the roles reversed with respect to having someone care enough about me to try and make me happy once in a while. Don’t I deserve that, at least occasionally?!
I need this as daily remember, especially when I feel pity for them. They are selfish and don't care about me, so I don't need to care about them either.
Grey rocked for 7 years. Only praised the positive.Thought it was going fairly well. But we ended up back in family court after I held him to account for abusing our children. He won't change. He likes a "court battle" ( He takes ME to court everytime he does something awful to our children)
So on point again, Dr Ramani. I am trying to be low contact with my mum, for reasons complicated, but I have to have periods where I block her as it is exhausting trying to cope with the endless emotional abuse. I 100% get how no contact can be the only solution. In therapy we came up with an analogy for her “The Child Snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, some days she is nice and has a “candy cart” and I get drawn in but then the mirage drops and there’s the cage with entrapment and suffering. Some days I can see the cage immediately but some days it’s the candy van, but I have to tell myself “there is always a cage”.
it's like living with a predator or having that in a relationship which is very bad life if it continues you'd become a prisoner to their expectations and lose yourself in their life which would be a waste of your own life
I left! 52 years where nothing changed. Hundreds of times I was told that if I didn't like it.. LEAVE and don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass. In April, he said it again and I took him up on the offer. I'm FREE and I'm happy.
Is it possible to get worn down to the point of Physical collapse? YES!!! It happened to me...I'm now 85 & only got rid of him 2 years ago.....I am dealing with MAJOR problems....health, emotions. Can I ever feel Whole again???
Trying to make it work with a narcissist is like pouring water into a bucket with holes. No matter how much you put in, your efforts just keep leaking away.
The Law of Diminishing Returns.
well said
I love my Pomeranians. Skookie and Toto. They are rescued.
Great analogy!
That's a great analogy
Narcissists ruined me, but dogs healed me. 🐶🐕😊
it’s made me not trust anyone anymore. The last narc was a friend, I thought we were good friends…but it turns out she was a Narc too.
@@Candy-O1776 We are drawn to what is familiar.
Me too .mine give me a breath when I can't breath.
Indeed...they,the doggies, are God's special gifts that bring joy and peace and healing.
YES!!!! If it wasn’t for my pug, I probably would be worse off.
The more you try and make it work with a narcissist, you will just end up burning yourself out. You have to understand that they cannot make it work with themselves. And their trauma, drama and chaos is not your responsibility. You are only responsible for yourself.
Amen 🙏
They cannot make it work with themselves. Nailed. It!
Truth❤
Please talk about how misogyny is the same as narcissism
Not .... Sheesh. @@jointhefun4
That’s exactly what I did -
Leave the narc and keep the dog. 🎉
Just like me.
I did exactly that 6 weeks ago after 26 years with the naarc
me too
So true. Narcissists give you conditional love, but dogs give you unconditional love. 🐕❤😊
20 years with a narcassistic husband i got him out my life and went on to get a puppy had more love shown to me by my pup in 4 short months than what that thing ever showed me.
No use trying to make it work. Try to heal by living for yourself.
That’s the only way I can get through this.
Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Well said
You have nailed it dr Ramani. Narcisistic relationships are not sustainable, they are eternal oneway relationships, where you constantly have to cater to their changing expectations and are treated as an object used to meet their needs and regulate their unpredictable and changing moods. You have to turn your authenticity off and are forced to behave in a dishonest way which in essence is enabling their evil behaviour to wreak more havoc in the world. There are no ways you can make adult life problems work out fine with narcissistic people whose emotional development has been arrested at a pre adolescent age. Thank you for your immense help and support 😊 God bless you ❤
perfect explanation...thank you.
Arrested development just hit me, thank you ❤
Emotional development arrested Great statement Now get it the 65 year old child narc I'm married to
On point, amen to that!!! U
Well said .
My story: 12 years of my life lost trying to make that relationship work. Please ! Don’t even loose a minute!!!!
🎉❤🎉❤
THEY DO NOT CHANGE!!! I live in the world of possibilities soooooooo 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
I’m 60+ days out! I have my appetite back and the Narcissist BLOCKED!
Good for you! Keep going....I'm almost at 9 years no contact and life only got saner and better without their crazy sh*t derailing me every single day....
🎉❤🎉❤
babysitting them is the absolut right term, you basically have a child as partner. problem is, when you try to shape them, they feel patronized and accuse you of it. so yes, keeping the dog and leaving the narc was the right decision for me. the dog gives me more cuddles and love in one week than the narc did in the past 24 years...
Life has been more peaceful since I left the narcissist, then adopted a Rottweiler ❤
My best work-around is to talk with strangers when I go for a walk. Many are only too happy to talk, resulting in wonderful chats free of anger and contempt. It's a life saver!
I love it! Very simple and sage advice. Thank you
YES! I do the same thing. Even a smile and friendly greeting lifts my spirit.
Agree! I'm still avoiding new people, so strangers are often the best way to laugh or just hear yourself chat with a human. 🎉❤🎉❤
Good advice.❤
Careful with that
I did wear out myself with now ex husband. I am still recovering from that hell. Chronic fatigue is real. Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150👋👍🙌🫅👑🙏
It's amazing how much physical damage these toxic relationships can cause. After learning enough to have a PhD, we can finally focus on our body and mental healing. Best wishes to you. I recommend anti-inflamatory vitamins, minerals, and diet. 🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤
And perhaps read the book The Myth of Normal along with all the other wonderful books and podcasts, etc. Healing is a beautiful process!
"It's not gonna change, and you won't be the exception." So good!
7 years out and still listening. Reminding myself about how bad it was and how good it is to be out! She nails it every single time. Thx Dr Ramani!
🎉❤🎉❤
My mother was my first narc. Everything was my fault and I became the target of her vitriol. I had no power. My father revealed himself over my lifetime as a wimp who didn’t protect me. He was Neville Chamberlain. Peace at any price. Peace for him but I paid the price. I cut them out. They left me nothing. But my own peace which was worth the price.
Ditto Scapegoats … that’s just the tip of the iceberg
Chamberlain. Never heard that one. Well done. I learned something today. Thx
Wow, they punished you even to the end, by not leaving you anything. But you're right....peace is worth it!
@@elbee1290 God provides!
Same here but my mother Failed at getting rid of my abusive toxic father
Your right again. Its not a fixable problem with a narcissist. One thing is for sure a narc will destroy you in a thousand different ways.
When I ignored the bad, she escalated into forced confrontations, ultimately resulting in shocking, horrid false accusations. Worn down after I finally left? To put it mildly.
I praised my ex NARCISSIST for over 30 years. 🤢Finally the praise became truth in the form of insults. As they say the truth shall set you free! 🥰(freedom 9-12-22) anyone else?
@@mrs100 freedom 11-22-22 after 40+ years!
Freedom 6/25/22 after 13 years.
How u stay for 30 years
Another problem with praising a narcissist's good behaviour is the praise can sometimes feed their aggrandized self-opinion and make them even more arrogant.
This right here 👆👆👆👆👆👆
My dog does an excellent job at regulating himself. When he gets anxious/stressed, he grabs his bone and chews it until he's calm. And I didn't teach him that, he just naturally does this behavior. My dog is better at regulating/soothing himself than many humans!
Holding out hope for the narcissist will only make you more depressed.
Exactly
There is no hope
They would have to be re-parented to ever live a healthy life
Ive in the past tried to make it work with a narc, but it didn’t work out and in fact I ended up getting shorted again and again. They forever attempting to change other to their own liking. Theyre only concerned about themselves. The manipulations are such mind ucks its sickening and depressing.
Love your videos Dr. Ramani, they are so inspirational. So many people criticize those of us stuck in one of these relationships, because they do not fully understand the situation we are in. Thirty years in and I have finally realize that this will never work. The constant stress has brought on several health issues breast cancer, COPD, thyroid, and constant unusually high heart rates from the constant confusion and foggy thinking that comes from dealing with these MONSTERS. I am considering divorce but have to get my support people on board. I have considered this many times, but the fear of being alone ultimately forces me to stay. I have lost who I was and my purpose in life. I pray that I am successful this time. Any encouraging words and advice would be much appreciated. Thank you again Dr. Ramani for your videos.
Get out, for your health. You are already alone. I did it and much more peaceful now
RUN,
Yes you will have some difficult times
Feel lonely
Plan ahead if possible
Hopefully you will have a support network, Not Enablers
I have been in the same situation
Health issues, and not cared for by my Ex husband,
Afterwards I now know, thanks to listening to Dr Ramani, I was ? Damaged goods, and he already had New Supply
Your health and well-being will improve
DONT go back
I wish you well
I was where you are now just 4 months ago and the pain and suffering at times feels unbearable.
BUT with self love, Jesus and education I am healing inch by inch.
You know the truth of Narcs evil-
The grief is a hard stage- I grieve for me now- I gave 40yrs to my ex and i did not know who, what, or where i was.
You are a beautiful child of God -
I would rather be alone than abused for one
Breath .
Leave the narcissist and keep the cat, dog, ferret, hamster, etc... ❤
After trying to make it work with a narc (in hindsight, full blown person with NPD) for years, I gave up so much of myself up with the hopes that the relationship would work out. 7 months away from my abuser, I am still struggling to find myself again. I was lucky because I had the resources to leave, but the healing is taking longer than I thought. I suffer from the guilt for putting up with his behavior for so long. Behavior is definitely a language. I wish I would have listened instead of trying to make it work. Take the dog and leave while there is still some of you left, so you can have an easier time rediscovering who your authentic self used to be.
Be kind to yourself, you got out. Reading Psalms was a big help to me when I was going through my divorce. Exercise, even if it is walking, will help clear your brain. Get plenty of sleep, it will help you heal. Go No Contact, the fastest way to heal.
Hi Dr. Ramani, I'm your follower,thank you so much. Now I understand why they blame me despite my sacrificed in my family. I got married at 40 because I help them but Instead they see my sacrificed,they make me as their enemy. I realized that my family is narcissistic.my father is covert narc.and my sister too. Watching from phillipines.
Trying to empty a lake with a teaspoon comes to mind.
Love this! So true!
8 years out & divorced & will always tune in to DrRamini's daily videos. I have never forgotten for even a moment what I suffered from trying to make it work with a malignant narcissist and the many surgeries I experienced due to the stress of trying to live with his appalling abuse & try keep all the trains running on time alone with 3 children
One of my surgeries being breast cancer
My body was giving up
It simply can not be done
Don't allow the enablers, the flying monkeys, the various cultures, etc, force any of you into trying to make it work as if you do continue to try your body will one day present its price
The survivors suffer the consequences of staying
Run as fast as your two legs can bring you & trust me your life will definitely get better
Find a good trauma focused therapist & rebuild your life
Another brilliant video, DrRamini. Thank you & bless you
I really needed this today. Exactly this. I so wish it could work, but the toll it takes on me is unbelievable.
Very wise. I’ve found that in dealing with the narcissists in my life, one must do all this navigating in silence, which makes it even harder. Please, if you’re in any relationship with a narcissist and can’t get out, find people who you can trust and spend time with them.
I am getting so worn out by my narcissistic wife it is starting to affect my health ! I cant leave because she will end up with my 2 beautiful daughter's who adore me.
Stay till they’re 18. You’re right. She’ll outmaneuver you.
I found out that my covert narcissistic wife of 24 years was having a 15-year affair. I have 3 kids, including two daughters and our youngest, a son. I filed for divorce two weeks ago. If I did it, so can you. Praying for your strength
You’re 1000 percent correct
Dr Ramani nailed it today!
Wow, so Brilliant. One of the best summaries of "making it work" so far. I would have to transcribe the whole video to highlight the gold nuggets. YOU will forever be doing all the work and making all the changes while they continue in their entitled, minimizing, and blaming and shaming ways.
"Stop trying to control. Let go of fixed plans and concepts, and the world will govern itself."
-Laozi
There is also fallout from trying to make it work with a narc's enablers. It doesn't work, and oftentimes the best choice is to go no contact with them as well if possible.
"Transactional charisma" is a cool new term for me. Charm and charisma are so separation oriented. Separation in a non-healthy way rather than what we're after which is healthy "separation" and healthy "union."
We're after wholeness within ourselves.
"Narcissistic people don't hold on to the long-term historical arc of a relationship. They just react to their current mood."
That is a profound statement on what you will realize with a narcissist. Another thing to say would be they have no "sentimentality" about you and your past together.
True. Definitely no sentimentality
Great video, Dr. Ramani for saying all the right words that I needed to hear today. You are a God-send to all of us out here trying to navigate life with the narcissists in our lives.
You are speaking directly to me Dr R. Thank you
Me Too😢
The lying, the spending, it only gets worse. Wait till you find out who they are really trying to impress.
They are always miserable and trying to out maneuver and impress someone cooler than you. They will say “nobody comes to visit them” when you’re sitting right in front of them. The will make you feel like a million bucks every time. So degrading of the self. ☹
There is no working out things with a narcissist. Especially a sneaky one!!
These words hit hard but are also validating. I needed this today.
Insightful as ever. Thank you ❤
Eternal one way street... it was exhausting !!!
Leaving was so painfully hard and the fall out from leaving has been devastating ( but worth it ) it's a daily struggle to rebuild myself and heal especially while dealing with the fall out 😢💔💝
You Really NAILED it on This One Dr. Ramani ! Thank you Ever So Much !
2:03 Oh HELL no to an "expert" advising praising narcs! Thank you for talking sense about this Dr. Ramani! So true that a dog is more likely to change with positive feedback and consistency! 😂💖🐕
These videos are so helpful dr Ramani, thank you so much! This one made think of my work place: the company I work for acts like a narc. I’m SO TIRED of walking on egg shells and having to be very careful to say the right thing in the right way, to be defensive all the time because the moment I get vulnerable people will use information against me, how they gaslight me and how I’m always the one wrong… I’m quitting, it will never “work” and it’s damaging me
ouch! that hurt😢
my problem with loyalty is that it keeps me in a place that continues to hurt me.
I cannot think you enough, Dr. Ramani! Your channel here has made sense of my confusing childhood. I never understood why people could be so mean. And now I get it. I had already stopped talking with them. Going no contact was one of the best things I did for my mental health. But I still didn't understand and still kept picking partners that had similar characteristics.
Hopefully, next time I decide someone is worth dating, they are also mentally healthy.
Thank you so much for your help on my journey!
…I am a survivor, I was physically abused by the NARCISSIST I was involved with…I keep in touch with my previous neighbors and they informed me that he came around as if nothing had occurred, WEIRD SHIT!
My morning is already better once I come here and visit first thing.
Thank you!!
5:23 they DON'T, that's so true! They don't keep the score of your achievements, only failings
Oof. This hit home. I THOUGHT my 1st husband had changed. He showed a willingness to try to mend our relationship. He did a whole bunch of future making. He came and spent a week with me, our daughter, & my son. Then he went home. TA DA! The switch flipped & all of a sudden, I was asking to much, doing everything wrong, blahblahblah. He has made minor positive changes on the surface. Deep down, he's still the guy that I loved so much that hurt me so bad. It was definitely painful to go through it all again after being separated for 21 years, divorced for 19 years. I would say I regret being kind & nice to him but i would be a liar. I needed to learn this on a soul level. It sucked but the illusion has finally shattered after all this time. I left him 21 years ago to keep our daughter safe but held on to a sliver of hope we would someday magically "fix it." I know better now. I'm continuing to work on me. I have things I want to accomplish in the 2nd half of my life. Cutting all those ties has finally happened and I can be happy on my own.
True. That described the last 26 yrs of my life. I keep getting minor sickness,pneumonia,hernia, IBS. I have just some out of minor surgery . I was really nervous about it, he (narcissist) was offended by something on the day and became really angry at me. I was so nervous of the pending surgery I did not say anything to defend myself. This is not uncommon and in the past I "worked around " his moods, petulance and temper. My sister drove me to the Hosp. Three days later when he picked me up a from Hosp. he was critical and angry It is very difficult to leave these relationships. They will not change! It will take a toll on your physical and mental health!! Our children, now grown up see how difficult he is. NOW !! it is my time. I'm healing my body at the moment and cannot do much but the situation highlighted just how ALONE I have been and just how much support I have missed out on. The above video speaks volumes.
Been out of the situationship for almost 6 years now and still I have difficulty remembering that the N's brain does not process life the way a healthy person's brain does. I really believe that it is a combination of early emotional trauma and its negative effects on the developing brain. HOWEVER!!!!! that does not ever excuse bad behavior and the breaking down of another person. They know how to act to be socially proper but refuse to put in the effort to do so with their partner. Parts of the brain are offline. That may be why they never change.
No matter how much you try to maneuver around such folks, the fallout is inevitable. They cannot be placated! They want to kill your hopes & inspiration because they have none
I think you have empathically tapped into my exact situation at exact same time as I am going through these issues. its blowing my fuckin mind EVERY DAY
This video is 🔥
Ditch the narcissist, keep the dog. I've never heard more realistic advice in my life!! You go Dr Ramani! I absolutely love your brutal honesty & that you're not afraid to show case it. I feel that acceptance is maybe the hardest part & so people could use a hard dose of reality. Thank you!!
You can't satisfy someone who is determined to be unhappy with you
Hard-hitting truth from Dr. Ramani. Much appreciated! Have found this journey challenging but not impossible.
Having been the person walking on eggshells and trying to make it work, understanding that they can't change who they are so I have to be the one to step back and let them "win," I have to say, it's not sustainable. It works for a time, but people need to be themselves eventually. You'll speak your truth at some point or it will come bursting out without your control. And then you'll have to go into damage control, apologize and accomodate to return things to the previous status and you're left feeling awful. But eventually you're gonna be fed up and leave and they'll call you crazy and childish blah blah blah but you need to keep your cool and move on. My only regret is how much time I spent complaining about my situation to others. I wish I had gotten over it sooner but it's all part of the healing process. The fact that I cared meant that the relationships were important to me and the fact that they couldn't care less is indicative of why I made the right choice. Even now I sometimes like to think that me leaving had an impact on them, so clearly I'm not fully healed, I still care. But it's a process, I'll get there eventually. Hopefully.
I’m struggling with dealing with some pent up resentment toward my non narcissistic mother for not standing up for my sibling and myself when we were kids. The fallout is horrifying and long-lasting. I’m 31 and haven’t lived with my narcissist father for YEARS and still continue to remember those awful moments but now wondering where was she through all of this??
Definitely spot on! It is mentally draining. I love her to point where I didn’t set boundaries and walked on eggshells. Realized that I was being used as an asset. Thankfully that I didn’t break no contact. Apart of does think about her but I have to quickly think how her actions affected my mental.
The narcissist chips away at your very soul. You die a little bit each day you endure their behavior. I spent 20 years with mine and am now free and able to be me again but it has taken a long time to heal. Best advice is to RUN and don't look back!!
Dr Ramani, you are SOOO right. How sad, huh? It is TRUE!
Omg i think you made this just for me. I feel like your talking directly to me about my situation. I dont know how to explain how much this resonates with me right now. But wow you nailed it!!
Narcissists people will never change. Best decision ever to have gone through dating one and have learned to stay the hell away from these types of people, living in their self-centered head!
“Maybe leave the narcissistic and keep the dog” 💯👍👍😆
Dogs are smarter than narcissists😀😀Hee hee! Never thought of it that way😉
My narcissistic has just been diagnosed with dementia. A nightmare inside a nightmare 😢😢😢
So Sorry for you.
Wishing you the best.
Cannot offer any advice.
WOW! So good Dr. Ramani, so good! Sitting here eating chili dogs hanging on every word.😄Unhealthy treat. I'm in awe while listening to you because I remember thinking for years her toxic insanity was just an isolated case. I knew nothing about narcissistic traits, tactics and manipulations but always wondered why she relished in darkness. Why she felt evil was attractive? It wasn't and isn't. Wholehearted thanks for helping so many of us make sense of living nightmares!
Really needed to hear that. Such a spot on video. Yr work is amazing
This is it: EXACTLY. It never ceases to astonish me how only ONE person’s behaviour can bring everyone in their orbit down. It is fundamentally exhausting. The time and energy spent managing someone else’s behaviour because they cannot manage themselves is insanity.
I 'accommodated"...praised""..made allowances for..tried to help..talk..reason things out for 28 years...and when I finally found my voice and decided I was so worn out aand lonely..he killed himself. It gutted me..he blamed me in his note. His final act to be in control.
❤ please don't take it serious.
I used to jokingly tell my husband that in my next life, I would wish to be born as a husband - now I know somewhere deep down I already had this realisation that he won't change.. Not in this lifetime. Focusing on myself now.
Thanks for this! ❤I needed this reminder. Narcs will never change. Disengage and focus on your health, career, and success.
This video is spot on! I finally had to cut ties with my toxic brother. I tried for years to be as pleasing as I could around him to avoid him going off on me. I got so tired of it, and the moment I put my needs first his true colors came out and he got vicious.
leave the narcissist...keep the dog!...priceless!
They do not understand your feelings at all. They have none, so they don't even know how they hurt you. They just don't get it! You must leave now!
I am early on (less than 6 weeks) and he was THE reason I missed an appointment after making it crystal clear that I needed to leave by a certain time. His response was "you should've made it clear that we were running late" and never once took any accountability for his part. Even my friend said, "You should have left his ass there." I am seeing vibrantly colored pink (red?) flags. Constructive advice welcomed.
@@dlwilliamson5644.
It’s just the beginning of their poor behavior. it’s still early so I would suggest you leave before that emotional bond is formed.
@@Lavagirl05 Thank you very much for your advice. Yes, if I end it now I will save myself from twisting my thoughts into a pretzel making excuses and rationalizations. Thank you again for the generosity of your response.
@@dlwilliamson5644Run!
@@dlwilliamson5644 you’re welcome. ☺️
I had never understood why someone would ghost someone else. That is until I found myself in a relationship with a narcissist.
I am a preschool teacher and we do pour praises into our students, we mostly work with low income families that don't always have the necessary social skills. We do have a "rewards" system and it does work. However, as an adult, I do not expect praise for doing what is "normal" of me. My husband used to point out every time he helped me around the house (I was a SAHM) and it drove me crazy! He has gotten better at this, thankfully (it did take some time after I started working FT). I denied my true self for many years for fear of rocking the boat, but I no longer care what others think of me. Life is too short to not live out my authenticity.
Love it! Spot on.❤
"Conditional Love ONLY"
As Long as You are Doing WHAT THEY WANT! RUN!!!!
“You can’t change them and they WILL wear you down”. Had Narc manager, resigned within 2 months, without another job lined up. What’s the cost to your soul? Left 30 year marriage and realize it’s best to distance yourself and have faith, there are good people worth your time. Don’t dig in, get out!
Exactly!.....my ex-cnpd wife said to me that "even when i tell her that, that was really well done or good or great, i sound as if was faking it".
And i realized that my praises wasn't giving her the admiration and validation she needs anymore.
It doesn’t work with narcs ever! It only gets worse! And worse! And worse!
Ouch… brutal honesty this morning … thanks for your work.
Exactly! I came to the realization that I was destroying myself all the while trying to appease them and choosing my battles. I thought about what it would be like to have the roles reversed with respect to having someone care enough about me to try and make me happy once in a while. Don’t I deserve that, at least occasionally?!
... "All Damned Day"! That's F*cked Up, to say the least. Thanks Dr., making this role more smoothly....
I need this as daily remember, especially when I feel pity for them.
They are selfish and don't care about me, so I don't need to care about them either.
Great video on the subject, I’m asking myself these exact questions 11 years into it!
Grey rocked for 7 years. Only praised the positive.Thought it was going fairly well. But we ended up back in family court after I held him to account for abusing our children. He won't change. He likes a "court battle"
( He takes ME to court everytime he does something awful to our children)
So POWERFUL! Every word resonates!
So on point again, Dr Ramani. I am trying to be low contact with my mum, for reasons complicated, but I have to have periods where I block her as it is exhausting trying to cope with the endless emotional abuse. I 100% get how no contact can be the only solution. In therapy we came up with an analogy for her “The Child Snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, some days she is nice and has a “candy cart” and I get drawn in but then the mirage drops and there’s the cage with entrapment and suffering. Some days I can see the cage immediately but some days it’s the candy van, but I have to tell myself “there is always a cage”.
it's like living with a predator or having that in a relationship which is very bad life if it continues you'd become a prisoner to their expectations and lose yourself in their life which would be a waste of your own life
I left! 52 years where nothing changed. Hundreds of times I was told that if I didn't like it.. LEAVE and don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass. In April, he said it again and I took him up on the offer. I'm FREE and I'm happy.
Is it possible to get worn down to the point of Physical collapse? YES!!! It happened to me...I'm now 85 & only got rid of him 2 years ago.....I am dealing with MAJOR problems....health, emotions. Can I ever feel Whole again???
DEFINITELY keep the Dog. I wish I were kidding. No, I'm NOT.