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It's a true saying my mum has drummed onto me from a kid...."it takes a stronger person to remain silent" and its so true. Anyone can argue back and forth and want the last word etc.....but remaining silent confuses them, makes u feel stronger and gives you the upper hand and the power even though they are they ones who want the power and doesn't give them anything to respond to. I've always steered away from conflict but I find the emotional side of things more difficult....thats where I show my hand. I just end up crying lol xx
Do no react. I've done it. You lose. Do not respond. I've done it. It wastes time. The narcissist will not change. No point in calling that person out. Leave. The fix is to leave. It is hard, but it hurts more to stay. Leave.
Do not react is not a solution for sure. It helps keeps your sanity as it doesn’t give the narcissist so-called “ammo” to paint a very different picture about what is going on. It is extremely difficult for an outsider to parse a conflict favorably for you when you have “bad reactions.” Even if it is a just reaction. Also, not reacting keeps you less emotional and more objective in seeing what the real problem patterns are and get to the decision to end the relationship. “Do not respond” - well that is leaving the relationship. Do not respond, forever.
By responding and sharing how you feel or what your boundaries are only tells the narcissist areas that they can focus on breaking you down at. Never share anything personal.
@@lianepinkos6703 I didn't even think about this whole dynamic of how many narcissists work: They typically "rush into" a relationship and/or substantially play up how close you are with them. If you believe that ,or aspire to get there, then it means you're going to want to try to communicate these things openly and clearly with the assumption that they will harmonize with you. Ultimately, that isn't their goal. They really do mess up just about everything you're supposed to do.
OF course leave. However in real life there are many situations where we cannot leave and we are forced to be inside ambient with the narcissists. Like job, finances, third party, service, help, poverty, inability to escape, immobility, red tape, trauma etc. Then "no react" will be interpreted by bullies as a sign that they are correct and that they continue with abuse, they won't have any incentive to stop. Sam Vaknin says that narcissists cannot change their delusions - however he said that narcissists can control their abuse, this part is in their control- otherwise they would not have so many techniques such as hovering, hoovering, honeymoon phase.
I feel like this supposedly fake buddha quote sums the message you're saying nicely: "One day the Buddha walked through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. The man said: “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.” The Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man: “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?” The man was surprised and answered: “It would belong to me because I bought the gift.” The Buddha smiled and said “That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.”
For some narcs it might work. For many narcissists no response will be green light for abuse to continue. They will interpret their target's silence as "Please continue, you are mighty, strong and correct and I need your discipline all the time since you are so grand".
I've learned to trust my anger to tell me how much a boundary has been crossed. I don't dismiss my anger. Anger is like a fire alarm that requires action to achieve safety.
me too! I was raised that anger was wrong.. but you said it perfectly! Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words. Proverbs 29:9 If a wise man goes to court with a fool, there will be raving and laughing with no resolution
Totally ... and the anger can actually be super useful in that it motivates you to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand and defend it. You just gotta balance that by doing it unemotionally and you have a super powerful defense combo!
@@LisetteDiva exactly I had a cousin who’s very narcissistic and I removed myself from her presence about 2 years ago, I stopped seeing her and calling or answering calls. when I see her at family events it’s just basic small talk and the other day she blew up on me because she’s not getting any attention and I still ignore her, and don’t fall for her tricks so I know she’s really feeling it that I don’t give her attention.
I find I am mentally healthier and happier by not having a friendship with any toxic people in my inner circle. Life is too short to spend time and energy with people like that are negative and verbally abusive.
You know people have been wondering if this good looking chocolate handsome caramel and intelligent dude speak English at all I'm referring to me is just that these people have no clue and ideas I'm trying to protect myself from toxic , delusional , vicious , malicious and dangerious people at all !!! I love being alone and i enjoy my own company dont get me wrong i love people with all my heart i have learn to love them from a distance because i dont no what theyre doing behind close door or behind the scene !!!! Take care of yall selfves .....
1. Know who we are dealing with 2. Understand where your wounds are 3. Learn how to mask your emotions. Not allowing the person to see they have upset you. Set boundaries. 4. Learn how to love yourself when someone hurts you. Learn to love yourself through that.
@ar riz. Im in the same situation and it does feel like hell on earth a lot of the time! I have 2 young kids and i feel so stuck .. I've learned that if i don't react to it or call him out on how i see what he's doing and i say im not feeding into this and walk away , it usually helps It took awhile to learn to do that as he was slowly driving me insane! I have to lean on the Lord and really stand my ground w my husband , once i recognized i wasnt the problem and he is a true narcissist it gave me strength to deal w him Its a miserable rollercoaster tho and i pray things get better for you!!
If one is a sensitive type its hard to do. But if you can master being emotionless while interacting with a narcissist, this will start setting you free.
They don’t feel anything about themselves inside. They are empty puppets with no morality. They don’t even realise that you feel bad about them. All you can do is being fake credibly, so that they get the illusion of having some kind of relationship with you. It’s an acting exercise, that’s all.
you need to fight back. my mom is a narcissist and i learned to deal with her by giving her the same treatment she was giving me. its hard but i did it and she doesn't speak too much to me anymore but that's how it is. NO ONE should be putting you down, insulting you because they couldn't stand up to the person or persons who did it to them and they are your parent. NO. get the silent treatment DO IT BACK . I did. She finally backed down after ONE YEAR. She criticizes so did I. I don't negotiate with her. She started blaming me for HER SON taking her money selling her house and putting her in a nursing home I told her well this was your golden child. You said I couldn't handle money so there you go. GOODBYE, and I never spoke to her again and she didn't speak to me for a LONG TIME. She barely does now but thats her problem.
This was SOOOO helpful to me. I struggle with co-dependency, and my husband is a narcissist and passive aggressive. Everything you said makes so much sense! By God's grace I was able to take the super hard step to walk away from our very toxic marriage and initiated a separation (we have been separated since January). Thank you for the assurance that I'm on the right track :-)
Proud of you! I hope one day I can find the strength and support system in order to leave...my narcissist doesn't believe in "separation" so I need a plan to just leave and get a divorce
Charles Potts; My narcissist sibling doesn't tolerate silence when she's spouting off and running her mouth. She goes on an endless loop of "huh, did you hear me, huh, huh, huh"? Until she gets the desired result. It is exhausting!
When I first met my ex, she put on a mask and a completely constructed personality around the things that appeal the most, and a month later, she started oversharing all her problems. That's when she took control.
Correct. My boss does this. At the start she love bombed me and reeled me in like I was her "friend". All she was new and me being the person I am made her feel welcome, trusted her and let myself open up to her but it wasnt long before the cracks started to show and she then became manager and thats when she really changed it up. My good friend left work because of her and warned me about her and told me not to trust her but I couldn't imagine someone so "nice" could turn so quickly and about 3 months into being my boss as soon as she got comfortable in the role etc she pushed me off the pedestal and the mask fell off and she blows hot and cold. Never praises me. Always picks put my flaws. Tries to show her authority one min she's so nice and next she's preying on things ive done wrong and using things against me as my weaknesses that I'd told her about when we were "friends" I do believe that people come into your life for a reason and she has been a big learning opportunity for me....I feel like I'm growing through this experience and it's preparing me for people like this in the future...I won't be so trusting and open with people so fast. Xx
My favorite thing to say after they insult me is, "Well,this conversation has run its course. I have some things to do. " "You're entitled to your opinion" and "I hear your viewpoint." This is all about non engaging.Wothdraw your presence and attention,just as you would with any rude person.If they say humiliating things in public say "Wow...That's really hurtful. Long silence*. Don't take the bait. Look crestfallen and let others see just how cruel they are. If they apologize then say, I accept your apology ,but this is happening a lot. Why are you so hurtful so often?" Put it back where it belongs. And watch them back pedal. Practice keeping a blank expression and watch how much they are confused. They don't know where to hit anymore. Good luck and never take your old devices with you because spyware can sometimes survive a factory reset. Get rid of them. Otherwise they'll continue to try to make your life hard and listen in 0n everything you say to Drs,lawyers etc. Trust me,it has happened to me and many other women. And some women were killed when he found them. Be safe, and make a clean get away. And remember, and old device,if it's around a new one,can transfer infected files/ spyware via data sharing or Bluetooth or pairing device. Turn off mail forwarding and be careful who you give new number to. Because if they give your ex your new number he can send spyware via text as well. Secure your router and home network and ensure your smart devices are not hacked. Use Non -WiFi security cameras,so he can't hack in. Trust me,they have an unnatural insatiable need for control. Why? Because if they can't control you,they lose control over themselves, and then Anything can happen. Be careful, and use wisdom on whether to get a restraining order against him. Sometimes it just makes them even angrier and then they really believe that they're a victim,then they escalate. It's only a piece of paper. And cops don't really help until after a crimes been committed. Be vigilant about your safety,vary your routines and check your car and belongings for tiny GPS trackers. You cannot be too careful. Better to be cautious and alive,than to be dead from underestimating the seriousness of the situation. Get a taser and pepper spray,take self defense and new device. You can't be too careful. Be safe and sound. Hugs to all survivors.
The more mature you act with a prsn like that the meaner they are towards you.... so be prepared for that, and continue to focus on positive things and let go of the negative
I was the toxic person. And you have no idea how much your videos are helping me. I didnt realize jst how bad i was until i stumbled upon one of your videos. It opened my eyes. It hurt so much but every point you made described me so perfectly. it helped me realize that i needed to walk away from my "partner". Just as much for their sake as my own. I was causing them so much pain and once i realized i was the problem i realized i had to leave so that they could be as happy as they deserved to be and so i could work on myself and my issues and hopefully one day be as happy as I deserve to be.
Arizbeth Reyes I love your honesty. My wife is toxic person and every time she does that. I walk away from her.we have 1 child. I just want my child to grow up a lil bet. Her days are numbers.unless she changes.
I am kinda confused.. so are we saying that we cannot ever try to work it out with others or understand their fears or wounds are help them heal ?? Is it always that we walk away??
I did this twice. After a 3 month relationship she tried to breakup with me via text. I responded very calmly and dispassionately and told her it was unacceptable and disrespectful. She called me immediately and we agreed to work on the relationship. Fast forward a week later and a couple of days after the last time I saw her in person she said on a phone call that she wanted to end the relationship. I said simply I agree. There was stunned silence on her end and I detected very high levels of anxiety. She could barely continue the conversation and literally turned on the weather report to distract her from the situation. Her one and only card to play to hurt me had failed and failed spectacularly. I absolutely crushed her ego and she may never try to contact me again out of intense fear of rejection. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
@@someothername9462 My narc husband would react this way, too. That’s why I just ignore him and go about my business. If he wants to waste his time following me around, that’s HIS business; but I got shit to do! 🤷🏻♀️
Dude, I tried to walk away and my dad threatened to beat me. I told him "I don't have to take this" and he pulled the "you will because I'm your dad" bullshit.
Easier said than done. Often the person pushing your buttons is someone you actually care about, such as your teenager, spouse, student, or a parent. No one is all bad, no one is all good. Each and every one of us is hurt and damaged in some way. Staying unemotional and setting boundaries is one thing, but walking away, especially for good, is dismissive and not always possible. A permanent goodbye would depend on the extent of their gaslighting. But most attempts to work us up are subtle and cumulative over time.
Hey, Stephanie. I can't remember which video it was but I love when you quoted, "crazy will make you crazy" and "unhealthy will make you unhealthy". Couldn't agree with you more 100%!
Yes, what is most dysfunctional is the black and white thinking and no talk rule about the narcissistic abuse and rigid unspoken rules and rigid roles. Pathological narcissists are master liars. Their whole game is logical fallacies.
What happens in the body when you react is that the fight/flight mode is triggered, this is okay for a short term. On the long term you will get health issues, too much cortisol. You will get anxiety, depression , fatigue, nutritional deficiences (b1) etc etc. You will get symptoms which cannot be declared. It's because your nervous system is stuck in fight/flight mode. Leave the toxic person to get your health back!
It's hopeless. Start working on your exit strategy. Stop wasting your precious time. You can't fix someone that does not know they're broken. It will be a cold day in Hell before a narcissist goes to a psychologist. The Narcissist knows everything, they are much smarter than any psychologist. Just get away from the narcissist as fast as you can, that's the only way.
True, Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words. Proverbs 29:9 If a wise man goes to court with a fool, there will be raving and laughing with no resolution
Could not agree more. I have lived a lifetime of attracting these leaches. Always learning from my mistakes and thinking I won’t attract anymore. Unfortunately, I would just attract smarter ones. That’s my life right now. Incredibly draining. I pray that one day soon I will look at my life and smile bc I will have completely eliminated these vile creatures out of my life
I was waiting at the bank the other day seated next to a very elderly lady who smiled at me and proudly said, "I'm celebrating my 67th wedding anniversary tomorrow." I smiled back and asked, "What's your best relationship advice?" She quickly replied, "If your man gets unruly, just walk away my dear....just quickly walk away without saying a word..... just walk away."
Even when they use foul language? They call horrible names? Tells you that sex online is better than me? That killed my heart right there! I am leaving soon but getting stronger through all this! I trust God is with me Jesus rebuke and bind everything not of you into the lake of fire and loose all good things to me from Heaven❤️🙏 I ask now I’m Jesus name Amen
I've been doing it wrong for so long. Every time I would react they would seem to glow or get turned on. It's them feeding off of my energy that makes them feel better. Now I'm realizing what their game is, don't react, don't give them pleasure of knowing they've hurt you. Thanks for the clarification.
Blue Crystal you’re also feeling better because they transfer of their negative energy on to you. That’s right so important to learn how to respond and responding either means walking away and not engaging or Setting a boundary and enforcing a boundary.
It took me a long time to understand that getting upset at them just makes them feel powerful and in control. It wasn't until I had enough and quit reaching out to her that she decided to try coming around again. I saw the same response from her each time. Act normally, apologize when that didn't work, if it did then go back to abuse, if it didn't work wait and retry again. Best thing to do is to avoid them and if confronted by them just stay calm. If they say something rude or crazy just say "If you feel that way." and then make sure you tell them you don't have time to talk and move on.
I also once read: "Confused people attract confused people." This really made me own up to my own codependency that attracted the narcissist in my life. Then when I started to be healthier, I attracted healthier people. Although ofc there are people who are like leeches anyway... biggest lesson of my life tbh.
Being with a narcissist and going through abuse is God forcing us to learn how to love ourselves.they are not going to do that for you.its a blessing in disguise but you can get through it.💪💪💪I love you all. You can do this
Yes but its not narcissistic to say that to a person who screaming at you, possibly even degrading you or refuses to see his or her part in the discussion.
@@electricjellyfish375 When a narcissist says it...it's a non apology. It's not a show of regret or remorse for what they have done, they're just sorry you feel that way.
@@TigerPaint92 You are the exception that confirm the rule, You have learn to act differently. I really do think that hurting people hurt people that people who doesn't love themselves hurt others
Definitely not sympathizing with an evildoer does make more sense. Otherwise isn't it aligning understanding to your own destruction? So it makes sense to care for yourself instead of receiving their directed projection.
Helpful! Also, being in a position where you don't feel listened to or safe isn't a conversation. It's good to say, "You know, I'm going to go. When you're ready to have a conversation about this, where we both have the ability to talk and to be heard, let me know." It's empowering when you speak up for what you deserve. You teach people how to treat you.
My spouse hated being walked away from. Towards the end of our relationship, he got more aggressive than ever before. That's also the same time I started standing up for myself and stopped taking his crap. The more emotionally independent and confident I became, the more I learned to "respond" to his abusive tactics rather than react. Which resulted in his attempt to try harder. Eventually, I had to leave cause he would threaten to hurt me if I walked away from his arguements. Of course I walked away anyway because I wasn't going to allow him to EVER think that I would "bow down" to his threats out of fear. Nope!
My ex of almost 4 years brought out the worst in me. It’s only been a few days since we split, and I’ve been immersing myself in these videos to help me find myself again.
Thank God people like you are making these videos to help people. My narcissist husband used my childhood abuse to completely screw up my head at an especially vulnerable time in my life. My mental health was being abused by using my abuse against me. At 37 years old I never met a narcissist or knew what signs to look for. These videos saved my mental health. I’d have ended up in the psych ward if I hadn’t stumbled across these. I cannot thank you enough. 🙏🏼
My child hood was used against me and I did end up in the mental institute. He cheated on me while I was there and told me he didn't want to be with someone crazy. 😢 Currently going through a divorce with my narcissist it's been the worst.
_MISERY LOVES _*_GOOD_*_ COMPANY._ One bad apple in a basket of good apples 🍏 will always rot and destroy all the other apples in the basket. It’s never the opposite.
It's bullying, they love to get a rise out of you and they know you will react. I am learning to create boundaries and hope next time if they say something to me I will respond rather than react or just cut the relationship..
Cut them off you don’t need these freaks in your life they all use this but we are family thing as an excuse tell them to go away with their nasty face and their spiteful mouth
Literally your tips are saving my life. I had to deal a lot with my brother in the past years and as I told him I was feeling sad and hurt about what he was saying to me, he never understood that. Leaving the situation is the best option to do. We only can decide what we can do, not how the other people should behave
Responding instead of reacting , is a sign of emotional maturity. Trying my best to practice the right way to respond properly on situation that really pushing your limits in dealing with an emotionally, psycholigically abusive person. Truly grateful for having the opportunity to watch and learn a lot on improving my self, by loving my self. God bless you more Ms.Stephani, your videos are truly a blessing to me just timely.
Your talking about avoiding falling into a pitfall of negative emotions that your offender is pressing you against.Walking away when you see it that way truly is empowering because YOU CHOOSE TO NOT PLAY "THEIR GAME."I love it you made me understand.
Thank you Stephanie. It took me two months after I left my ex husband to quit responding to this type of behavior and that drove him even more nuts. It was the hardest thing I ever did, to quit responding to him. People didn’t understand. They said I shouldn’t let him get to me. They said I have to control the way I react and I knew that; however it was so hard! I had never encountered something like him before so I didn’t see at first what he was doing. Thankfully it’s over now, 3 years later, he has no power over me anymore, not for a long time.
It's pretty sad when grown ass adults don't know how to regulate their emotions and they walk around angry and lash out on everyone..this video describes my "family" member
You're absolutely right Stephanie! It's a reflection of themselves, my sister is a narcissist and i believe that she doesn't have self-love, she is always looking for ways to hurt the next person, negative, abusive, a liar,conniving, causes divisions, completely poisonous like a snake. You are spot on!
I like the “ respond vs react “ because a response is warranted! Having the fortitude to respond to nasty dark toxic is fine as long as it isn’t emotional. Calling out their unhealthy is ok
I happened to stumble upon this channel while I was desperately looking for help. It’s hard for an empath to come to terms with their life experience. Empaths, given their nature and outlook to people. They constantly are looking at their own flaws and go on a journey of sled sabotage. Thank you for the amazing work put together.
My experiences with the narcissist husband makes me realized he cracks joke , make fun of me , degrading , embarrassing, or insulting me just wanted to see me in shucked ,speechless , and emotionally in pain reaction-to his behavior , I can see it just like drugs to a drug user, I believe he uses my reaction as his supplies, the more I feel sad and in pain the more he enjoys and happy. I have learned and know better now. Thank you for Stephanie ‘s Film and all of your comments . 💗
Walking away is very powerful. I walked away from my father when I saw he was getting going, and removed myself, and he followed me to my room and cornered me. 100% powerful stance to say "No I'm not going to do this with you" if it evoked that big of a reaction. Because they want you to stay and play their game.
God... ive needed this since forever. I have been picked out deliberately by these people no matter where i go and i need to find out why that is and how to stop drawing them in.
I love your compassionate approach. There are some evil narcissistic people, but for the most part , yes, they are simply unable to contain their pain, and trying to get some relief. When you don’t have buttons, they can’t be pushed. It’s worth the work to remove them. Sometimes, I don’t think it’s worth the time and effort to confront them in some cases. Each situation and person is different.
Trisha Whitehouse I'm learning to just keep my mouth shut so when I do what I need to do for me I don't feel bad for them at all especially when they don't want to hear you anyway. Theres no getting through to them, I'm glad I'm strong now.
Let them think what they will. Go ahead-BE their a**hat, their stalker, their (in my son's case) loser, their liar, their cheater, their (in my case) drunk, their this, their that.
Ah.. you have no response to that... "I'm right, god damn it I'm right!!!" .. with that evil grin... Me thinking... No.. your not, I'm just shutting down and done entertaining your wackadoo for the 1000th time.
Living with a narcissist who has a terrible temper even after years of therapy is terrible. It's really been destructive to my sense of self, confidence, and how I feel. It's done damage for sure but I am trying to become aware of how this has affected me and what I can do to get better until I can get to the point I am able to support myself. That day cannot come soon enough. It's really hard now and has been for a long time. Covid made it even worse. I just want to get out of this situation now.
7:14 This is SOooo important, and it's a hard decision to make when you understand the other person's background/problems. However, if they're attacking you... it's no longer about them. It's about YOU, and what's best for your own wellbeing.
After living with a narcissistic grandmother who hated me for 13-14 years, I’ve had enough. Really good video. 1. Knowing your wounds 2. If someone damages your vulnerable spot and you understand your wound, have an inner dialogue.
I am on a work team of 3 people. BOTH my teammates are TOXIC. I didn't stand up for myself right way and now they walk all over me and are downright rude and unprofessional. I am watching your videos to learn how to CORRECTLY stand up for myself so that I don't risk my job or reputation. Thank you for making these free videos.
Thank you so much for the reminder that this is a process.. in your last video.. it’s a really soft and forgiving way to look at the process of healing and breaking the power of the narcissist because they are so tricky and will creatively switch it up to reengage.. it’s a constant readjustment and for me I have to be on my toes all the time, every conversation.. I cannot just drop this person so your videos are really helping with the boundary setting and just giving me strength to keep up the fight to reclaim my life❤️🙏🏻
This took me so long to master. He knew exactly how to trigger me. What I did was I started expecting and got myself ready for him to trigger me. So when he finally blew up and said hurtful words, I was calm about it. I didn’t let him get to me because I already prepared myself by telling myself that whatever he gonna say I know it’s not true. I always feel like he test me. Like he want me to say something hurtful back but it’s just not me.
Sherry Roberts you can have a new life of enjoyment. Heal yourself and live positively. You are invited to read my blog: Blue collar lit. No ads, I don't make $$ from it, I post most weekdays. You don't have to comment, just have an iced tea or other refreshment and have fun & inspiration.
I hear you.....I'm close to 50 and think....my god how different my life could have been....my best option would have been...love from a distance....but I didn't understand the dynamic back then....
Definitely! The only way to get off the drama triangle is to remove yourself, refuse to play roles you're baited into. But be sure to do it from the start with all new friendships and relationships. Emotionally immature people will find someone else if they think you're too much hard work to engage in a drama triangle. Bear in mind too that they're probably not really aware that what they're doing is dysfunctional. It's learned behaviour, I've done it myself without realising why I was doing it. Get therapy if you want to get better
The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way. You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives. Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Oh my gosh, you are incredible. I feel like two hours with you would help me more than years with some therapists! Those of us who deal with narcissists know that the normal rules of engagement go out the window, and we need to have the tool to deal with their behavior! I found this video to be so helpful. I'm so glad you included how to respond to 'you're running away', because they always say that when I'm removing myself from the situation, and that always the one I'm not sure how to react to, so sometimes they get it to work, and I'm drawn in. Subscribed.
No in some situation we should answer them in their way when they are disrespecting us between people and then they leave the situation becz they can't handel it back .God bless us
Hurt people do hurt people. After working with a narcissist for 7 years, I've learned so much. You cannot allow yourself to insult others. We can choose who we hang around with and that's our prerogative. I have always told my kids that I will not argue with them and it is important that we have adult conversations. So I tell them to come back to me when they can talk like an adult. They love it.
Stephanie, I don't know how you did it, especially since we've never met and this is the very first video I've seen of yours, but you climbed right inside my head and hit every self talk and feeling that I've been having lately. Your words have helped me tremendously. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I absolutely agree with you! If you step down to their level and react the way they want you to then ultimately you are just as better as they are It doesn’t solve anything. Especially if they are narcissist. They will use it to play the victim and make you look like a monster and escalate the situation even more
In my experience the best response to negativity is to simply say "thank you" and move on. And of course you will be "tried" again and again. Just respond again with the same "thank you" until they give up and move on themselves or the negativity dissipates. Any reaction only fuels their fire. One caveat here: make certain you are not actually the narc in denial.
Thank you for this; I needed to hear it. Even after studying domestic violence for years, I was still hurt last night and questioning myself after my abusive ex-husband contacted me, gaslighting me. I've had a counselor tell me WHY I was in that relationship, but she didn't tell me how to handle it, in order to fix myself and have peace. I really appreciate it Stephanie.
Watching these videos further confirms to me that knowledge truly is power. And I find that these things are pretty helpful when dealing with narcissists.
This was really helpful. It’s so hard not to react because I naturally want to defend myself or call someone out. Knowing my audience is so important, thank you.
I am so grateful to have run across this video. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and a domestic abuse survivor as well. Thank you for giving me the tools I need to survive and ultimately thrive after the aftermath.
I feel is best to ignore and cut ties 100% because what they want from you is a reaction or start an argument. “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” if you are a believer and read the bible this is 100% true. Stop seeing friends in common. Avoid going to the same places. Don’t talk about them to anyone and focus on something else. Now if you live with them, plan a safe exist where you never have to look back or get in touch with them. Once you are gone you are gone. No second chances they will never change.
I lived with a narcissist for 14 years. He almost killed me mentally and emotionally but I refused to let him kill my soul. It’s very difficult to be in that marriage and painful to be out of it because he could not accept defeat so the more he became meaner and vindictive. I thank my own family, my children and most of all, I praise and thank God for all the love and healing. Thank you Stephanie for sharing your expertise. God bless you always for all your helpful counseling vlogs.
I have been dealing with a manipulative SO. At first the only thing I knew how to do was to just stonewall so as to not react, but I have been getting better at listening and not reacting or getting angry. She will constantly reflect and try to push buttons while asking if I am getting angry, and I finally understand why.
It's crazy how I found your video about 2 years ago about boundaries and you helped me so much. You helped me become so much more aware of who I wasn't and who I needed to be ever since I found that video, I've become such a stronger individual and you always say such amazing and eye-opening things when I need to hear it most. I love you girl!
The person who abuses, does so because they get something out of it... They get the attention or the ego stroking or whatever... They are willing to do whatever it takes to get that from you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to disengage. It takes two to be in an abusive relationship... the abuser and the abused. If you aren't one then you are the other.
Why do you say Idiot? Yes someone could be the abused in a relationship & and also be an idiot... listen, I know what you mean, but you are assuming that the abused knows what's happening to them in time to get out. You are also assuming that they haven't been sucked into the relationship through any of the multiple means that abusers use to disguise their abuse... love bombing for one... You also assume that they have the support, both financially, emotionally, or legally... to get out successfully... not to mention children... You are doing what the abusers do and placing the blame on the abused. They aren't idiots, they are caught in abuse, by their abusers. Yes they can choose to get out, but don't always have the means or support to do so easily.
I place the blame on the person who abuses. While I have no reason to know this is a truth about you... you seem to be saying that someone who is abused is just as responsible for that abuse as the abuser. That no matter what the situation an abused person can get out if it... Do you and I live in the same universe...? So, how about the woman with three children, who's mother and pastor tell her she should shut up and be grateful she has a man who supports her... who also beats her... who also abuses the kids... Or, who lives in a community that doesn't believe her, or when she does try to leave, has her family do everything they can to stop her...? Or tells her that it's gods will that she should obey her husband, no matter what. Not to mention that she works and her husband takes her check and mostly uses the money to buy beers for his friends or drinks till he's too drunk to stand, then beats her senseless because he trips coming in the house... Is she to blame? What an odd view you have on abuse.
Yes 🙌 LOVED this video! I have told my son the same thing about bullies since he was a child, but I have continued to be bullied by my mother for years! Bullies (narcissists) are just insecure and miserable, and they always will be. Just as you said we need to know it has nothing do with us-they are acting that way because THEY are so miserable 😩 and have no outlets for it other than tormenting other people! Elderly parents with narcissism are especially hard to deal with. And it just goes through the generations, it is a hard cycle to break, I am a 3rd generation single mother as well. Thank you so much for this video ♥️
The advice about telling someone "you're violating my boundaries and I'm detaching now" seems good if it's someone you have to interact with on a regular basis. But if not I think the less said the better. The last thing I said to my covert-narc ex after she sent me an email full of accusations and gaslighting was "Okay, good luck to you." No point in telling her more as it would only feed her need for drama. And if I had said more it would have left me feeling too emotionally attached. I'm prone to second-guessing myself, but it's been three months now, and with that, I feel like I made the right decision.
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Anyone who decides to leave a Narcissist is an incredibly strong person and should be proud of themselves :)
100%
I’ve never heard of this before but I will be teaching my daughter to look out for this sanpaku eye. I’ve read the links. Thanks for the info
You won’t see me being bit by no wild animal as I don’t have white under my iris
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JohSims6 thank you! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Not reacting and keeping your mouth shut is one of the hardest things in the world to do.
So true!!
It's a true saying my mum has drummed onto me from a kid...."it takes a stronger person to remain silent" and its so true. Anyone can argue back and forth and want the last word etc.....but remaining silent confuses them, makes u feel stronger and gives you the upper hand and the power even though they are they ones who want the power and doesn't give them anything to respond to. I've always steered away from conflict but I find the emotional side of things more difficult....thats where I show my hand. I just end up crying lol xx
It sure IS!!!!😬😬
How do you do this when they antagonize and trap you and you cannot get away from it.
@@bouchie739 babe, what do you mean? Are you in some sort of abusive relationship? Or is it a friend/family member or work colleague etc? Xx
Do no react. I've done it. You lose. Do not respond. I've done it. It wastes time. The narcissist will not change. No point in calling that person out. Leave. The fix is to leave. It is hard, but it hurts more to stay. Leave.
Do not react is not a solution for sure. It helps keeps your sanity as it doesn’t give the narcissist so-called “ammo” to paint a very different picture about what is going on. It is extremely difficult for an outsider to parse a conflict favorably for you when you have “bad reactions.” Even if it is a just reaction. Also, not reacting keeps you less emotional and more objective in seeing what the real problem patterns are and get to the decision to end the relationship.
“Do not respond” - well that is leaving the relationship. Do not respond, forever.
By responding and sharing how you feel or what your boundaries are only tells the narcissist areas that they can focus on breaking you down at. Never share anything personal.
@@lianepinkos6703 I didn't even think about this whole dynamic of how many narcissists work:
They typically "rush into" a relationship and/or substantially play up how close you are with them. If you believe that ,or aspire to get there, then it means you're going to want to try to communicate these things openly and clearly with the assumption that they will harmonize with you. Ultimately, that isn't their goal. They really do mess up just about everything you're supposed to do.
OF course leave.
However in real life there are many situations where we cannot leave and we are forced to be inside ambient with the narcissists.
Like job, finances, third party, service, help, poverty, inability to escape, immobility, red tape, trauma etc.
Then "no react" will be interpreted by bullies as a sign that they are correct and that they continue with abuse, they won't have any incentive to stop.
Sam Vaknin says that narcissists cannot change their delusions - however he said that narcissists can control their abuse, this part is in their control- otherwise they would not have so many techniques such as hovering, hoovering, honeymoon phase.
@@EbonySeraphim
They are deliberate shape-shifters and mirrors.
“What someone is doing to you is a reflection of themselves.”
i feel sorry for those people..i have had to deal with that type of people and im still learning
@@lala5061 but they seem to be quite happy and get applause.
💯%✅
@MariaLil3Men they sho do
Love this statement !!
I feel like this supposedly fake buddha quote sums the message you're saying nicely:
"One day the Buddha walked through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him.
The man said: “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.”
The Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man:
“Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?”
The man was surprised and answered:
“It would belong to me because I bought the gift.”
The Buddha smiled and said “That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.”
I love that story. So true and so wise.
That's very good
I love that!!
I like that kind of thinking.
Thanks for that
No reaction and No response is a response and a powerful one.....and you don’t lose yourself or control...🙏🏼
Yes I learned that a long time ago. Sometimes the best response is no response at all.
Love this so much
I. Love you
Easier said then done ???? Bad habits r hard to break ? CRY out to God !!!!!
For some narcs it might work. For many narcissists no response will be green light for abuse to continue. They will interpret their target's silence as "Please continue, you are mighty, strong and correct and I need your discipline all the time since you are so grand".
I've learned to trust my anger to tell me how much a boundary has been crossed. I don't dismiss my anger. Anger is like a fire alarm that requires action to achieve safety.
me too! I was raised that anger was wrong.. but you said it perfectly! Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words. Proverbs 29:9 If a wise man goes to court with a fool, there will be raving and laughing with no resolution
I think the anger can be helpful to alert you to create a boundary... but once a boundary has been created.... try not have the anger anymore
@@jigglypuff4ever That's how I experience it too. The key is to disengage from the dysfunctional relationship.
Totally ... and the anger can actually be super useful in that it motivates you to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand and defend it. You just gotta balance that by doing it unemotionally and you have a super powerful defense combo!
Yes anger is intuition alerting you to disrespected boundaries 🙏🙏🙏
Don't waste your life fighting a toxic partner.
Run for the hill.
Start over.
Right. Just leave....Staying is your fault now!
@@1mochadelightable no, what you're doing is victim-blaming. Being in an abusive relationship is *never* the abused person's fault
Thats what i did.
Yep!👍👍👍❤❤❤
Lol😁😁😄😃😀
Removing your self is the most powerful thing you can do 👏🏽👏🏽 and giving them zero attention
❤
Hello. Goodness I wish I could give you A BILLION thumbs up!!!! Silence is a killer.....
@@LisetteDiva exactly I had a cousin who’s very narcissistic and I removed myself from her presence about 2 years ago, I stopped seeing her and calling or answering calls. when I see her at family events it’s just basic small talk and the other day she blew up on me because she’s not getting any attention and I still ignore her, and don’t fall for her tricks so I know she’s really feeling it that I don’t give her attention.
Grey Rocking works
I find I am mentally healthier and happier by not having a friendship with any toxic people in my inner circle. Life is too short to spend time and energy with people like that are negative and verbally abusive.
I stopped talking with my whole family because of narcissism. I have never been happier.
Wow!!!
S Flamer - you are beautiful. Regards Francois
You know people have been wondering if this good looking chocolate handsome caramel and intelligent dude speak English at all I'm referring to me is just that these people have no clue and ideas I'm trying to protect myself from toxic , delusional , vicious , malicious and dangerious people at all !!! I love being alone and i enjoy my own company dont get me wrong i love people with all my heart i have learn to love them from a distance because i dont no what theyre doing behind close door or behind the scene !!!! Take care of yall selfves .....
They are not relaxing to be around.
1. Know who we are dealing with
2. Understand where your wounds are
3. Learn how to mask your emotions. Not allowing the person to see they have upset you. Set boundaries.
4. Learn how to love yourself when someone hurts you. Learn to love yourself through that.
My mantra everyday!
Thanks for this
Agree
THANK YOU!!
Thanks for this summary!
It's a nightmare if you are married to them. You can't escape if you live with them, you can't leave the situation so easily.
I've learned a narcissist is an emotional leech, parasite.. so never respond with emotion.... respond the way they do..... Emotionless.
i m dealing with a narcissist husbnd my life is going like helll
@ar riz. Im in the same situation and it does feel like hell on earth a lot of the time! I have 2 young kids and i feel so stuck .. I've learned that if i don't react to it or call him out on how i see what he's doing and i say im not feeding into this and walk away , it usually helps
It took awhile to learn to do that as he was slowly driving me insane!
I have to lean on the Lord and really stand my ground w my husband , once i recognized i wasnt the problem and he is a true narcissist it gave me strength to deal w him
Its a miserable rollercoaster tho and i pray things get better for you!!
If one is a sensitive type its hard to do. But if you can master being emotionless while interacting with a narcissist, this will start setting you free.
@@arriz6413 I feel your pain and wish I could change it for you
Agree
They're lashing out to release the pressure of how they feel about themselves inside.
Thanks for sharing that. It helps.
They don’t feel anything about themselves inside. They are empty puppets with no morality. They don’t even realise that you feel bad about them. All you can do is being fake credibly, so that they get the illusion of having some kind of relationship with you. It’s an acting exercise, that’s all.
@@compagniaelvira I'm starting to think that's the truth, especially if they are unhealthy
They hate themselves
Yup
you need to fight back. my mom is a narcissist and i learned to deal with her by giving her the same treatment she was giving me. its hard but i did it and she doesn't speak too much to me anymore but that's how it is. NO ONE should be putting you down, insulting you because they couldn't stand up to the person or persons who did it to them and they are your parent. NO. get the silent treatment DO IT BACK . I did. She finally backed down after ONE YEAR. She criticizes so did I. I don't negotiate with her. She started blaming me for HER SON taking her money selling her house and putting her in a nursing home I told her well this was your golden child. You said I couldn't handle money so there you go. GOODBYE, and I never spoke to her again and she didn't speak to me for a LONG TIME. She barely does now but thats her problem.
This was SOOOO helpful to me. I struggle with co-dependency, and my husband is a narcissist and passive aggressive. Everything you said makes so much sense! By God's grace I was able to take the super hard step to walk away from our very toxic marriage and initiated a separation (we have been separated since January). Thank you for the assurance that I'm on the right track :-)
Cristina Boersma,You got a lovely smile
How is it going? Would love an update 💗
Proud of you! I hope one day I can find the strength and support system in order to leave...my narcissist doesn't believe in "separation" so I need a plan to just leave and get a divorce
And they don’t want to get help it’s sad. I know what I need to work on but what he does to me is horrible invalidating even small accomplishments.
Hugs to you! I feel your pain.
The best way to respond is, dont respond! Drives them crazy!
Yep...they ask wtf is wrong with you or whenever you stop tripping lmk..
Charles Potts; My narcissist sibling doesn't tolerate silence when she's spouting off and running her mouth. She goes on an endless loop of "huh, did you hear me, huh, huh, huh"? Until she gets the desired result. It is exhausting!
Good .don't reply
Tried that, it didn't work
Yes!!
They always come with a nice style, makes you talk open up, showing you heart, then they take the knife
Yeah, they are genius at making you feel seen but what they are really doing is sizing you up.
When I first met my ex, she put on a mask and a completely constructed personality around the things that appeal the most, and a month later, she started oversharing all her problems. That's when she took control.
Correct. My boss does this. At the start she love bombed me and reeled me in like I was her "friend". All she was new and me being the person I am made her feel welcome, trusted her and let myself open up to her but it wasnt long before the cracks started to show and she then became manager and thats when she really changed it up. My good friend left work because of her and warned me about her and told me not to trust her but I couldn't imagine someone so "nice" could turn so quickly and about 3 months into being my boss as soon as she got comfortable in the role etc she pushed me off the pedestal and the mask fell off and she blows hot and cold. Never praises me. Always picks put my flaws. Tries to show her authority one min she's so nice and next she's preying on things ive done wrong and using things against me as my weaknesses that I'd told her about when we were "friends" I do believe that people come into your life for a reason and she has been a big learning opportunity for me....I feel like I'm growing through this experience and it's preparing me for people like this in the future...I won't be so trusting and open with people so fast. Xx
You described my husband perfectly.
So true
My favorite thing to say after they insult me is, "Well,this conversation has run its course. I have some things to do. " "You're entitled to your opinion" and "I hear your viewpoint." This is all about non engaging.Wothdraw your presence and attention,just as you would with any rude person.If they say humiliating things in public say "Wow...That's really hurtful. Long silence*. Don't take the bait. Look crestfallen and let others see just how cruel they are. If they apologize then say, I accept your apology ,but this is happening a lot. Why are you so hurtful so often?" Put it back where it belongs. And watch them back pedal. Practice keeping a blank expression and watch how much they are confused. They don't know where to hit anymore. Good luck and never take your old devices with you because spyware can sometimes survive a factory reset. Get rid of them. Otherwise they'll continue to try to make your life hard and listen in 0n everything you say to Drs,lawyers etc. Trust me,it has happened to me and many other women. And some women were killed when he found them. Be safe, and make a clean get away. And remember, and old device,if it's around a new one,can transfer infected files/ spyware via data sharing or Bluetooth or pairing device. Turn off mail forwarding and be careful who you give new number to. Because if they give your ex your new number he can send spyware via text as well. Secure your router and home network and ensure your smart devices are not hacked. Use Non -WiFi security cameras,so he can't hack in. Trust me,they have an unnatural insatiable need for control. Why? Because if they can't control you,they lose control over themselves, and then Anything can happen. Be careful, and use wisdom on whether to get a restraining order against him. Sometimes it just makes them even angrier and then they really believe that they're a victim,then they escalate. It's only a piece of paper. And cops don't really help until after a crimes been committed. Be vigilant about your safety,vary your routines and check your car and belongings for tiny GPS trackers. You cannot be too careful. Better to be cautious and alive,than to be dead from underestimating the seriousness of the situation. Get a taser and pepper spray,take self defense and new device. You can't be too careful. Be safe and sound. Hugs to all survivors.
As time passed I realized you can only control your response to someone you can't control another person's behavior.
Yes! It’s a freeing feeling once you get there.
NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.
M. F. Richardson Thank you. It's literally the only solution.
Yup!!! Run and do not look back no matter what!!!! Close that door and do not unlock it!!!!
Just waiting for the moment i get independent :D Im already happy cause i know iz Will happen some day!
Try that with a narc father...
Best comment 👍
Pay attention to what they accuse you of because its the closest thing to a confession that you'll ever receive from a narcisist
The more mature you act with a prsn like that the meaner they are towards you.... so be prepared for that, and continue to focus on positive things and let go of the negative
Exactly
This is so true..because they want you to react like they are used to you reacting,when you start healing it infuriates them.
This is true. I’m considering leaving my room because the person is my roommate
TRUE
@@LexiA0327 yes they do get angrier.
I was the toxic person. And you have no idea how much your videos are helping me. I didnt realize jst how bad i was until i stumbled upon one of your videos. It opened my eyes. It hurt so much but every point you made described me so perfectly. it helped me realize that i needed to walk away from my "partner". Just as much for their sake as my own. I was causing them so much pain and once i realized i was the problem i realized i had to leave so that they could be as happy as they deserved to be and so i could work on myself and my issues and hopefully one day be as happy as I deserve to be.
Arizbeth Reyes
I love your honesty. My wife is toxic person and every time she does that. I walk away from her.we have 1 child. I just want my child to grow up a lil bet. Her days are numbers.unless she changes.
Shauna May
Most importantly is that you learned from it. There is a book called organize your mind.its very helpful.
I am kinda confused.. so are we saying that we cannot ever try to work it out with others or understand their fears or wounds are help them heal ?? Is it always that we walk away??
@@emaambition9378 Thank you. I will find it!
@@somayayousry8846 I wish someone would help me heal ... I do work on self awareness, and pray daily, DAILY to cease hurting people.
I did this twice. After a 3 month relationship she tried to breakup with me via text. I responded very calmly and dispassionately and told her it was unacceptable and disrespectful. She called me immediately and we agreed to work on the relationship. Fast forward a week later and a couple of days after the last time I saw her in person she said on a phone call that she wanted to end the relationship. I said simply I agree. There was stunned silence on her end and I detected very high levels of anxiety. She could barely continue the conversation and literally turned on the weather report to distract her from the situation. Her one and only card to play to hurt me had failed and failed spectacularly. I absolutely crushed her ego and she may never try to contact me again out of intense fear of rejection. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
9:00 - “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not going to be around someone who speaks to me that way.” Brilliant!
And then he (or in my case - SHE) will say - oh, running away, huh? Can't handle it, eh... With that nasty glint in her eyes
But my narcissistic mother will say this exact thing after gas lighting me
@@someothername9462 My narc husband would react this way, too. That’s why I just ignore him and go about my business. If he wants to waste his time following me around, that’s HIS business; but I got shit to do! 🤷🏻♀️
Dude, I tried to walk away and my dad threatened to beat me. I told him "I don't have to take this" and he pulled the "you will because I'm your dad" bullshit.
@@benjaminperez4570 How do you deal with that kind of situation?
Staying calm, & not giving the reaction!
Is the best medicine I guess.🤓
water full 👏👏👏 Don’t panic! Stay cool calm and collected!
Yes it is and it's taken me 5years to realise that you either agree or just smile and walk away
@@amandapryar4675
very glad to hear it.
wish U all the best my friend.
stay blessed:)
Easier said than done. Often the person pushing your buttons is someone you actually care about, such as your teenager, spouse, student, or a parent. No one is all bad, no one is all good. Each and every one of us is hurt and damaged in some way. Staying unemotional and setting boundaries is one thing, but walking away, especially for good, is dismissive and not always possible. A permanent goodbye would depend on the extent of their gaslighting. But most attempts to work us up are subtle and cumulative over time.
Standing up for yourself can be tiring at many times, the mental and emotional exhaustion that they drive you to.
Hey, Stephanie. I can't remember which video it was but I love when you quoted, "crazy will make you crazy" and "unhealthy will make you unhealthy". Couldn't agree with you more 100%!
Caelan Kamuf haha!!! Not sure exactly there but it’s true!!! 🙌
Yes!!💯💯
Yes, what is most dysfunctional is the black and white thinking and no talk rule about the narcissistic abuse and rigid unspoken rules and rigid roles. Pathological narcissists are master liars. Their whole game is logical fallacies.
John Kam and Stephanie Lyn, it is the Gaslighting & Manipulation Vignette! ; ) I watched it earlier today!
exactly
What happens in the body when you react is that the fight/flight mode is triggered, this is okay for a short term. On the long term you will get health issues, too much cortisol. You will get anxiety, depression , fatigue, nutritional deficiences (b1) etc etc. You will get symptoms which cannot be declared. It's because your nervous system is stuck in fight/flight mode. Leave the toxic person to get your health back!
It's hopeless.
Start working on your exit strategy. Stop wasting your precious time. You can't fix someone that does not know they're broken. It will be a cold day in Hell before a narcissist goes to a psychologist.
The Narcissist knows everything, they are much smarter than any psychologist.
Just get away from the narcissist as fast as you can, that's the only way.
Funny he thinks I am the abuser. We actual f**k?!!#
True, Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words. Proverbs 29:9 If a wise man goes to court with a fool, there will be raving and laughing with no resolution
But how when is your parent.and like myself my both parent are narcissist.and i have no money for purchase a flat and move on
Truth
Could not agree more. I have lived a lifetime of attracting these leaches. Always learning from my mistakes and thinking I won’t attract anymore. Unfortunately, I would just attract smarter ones. That’s my life right now. Incredibly draining. I pray that one day soon I will look at my life and smile bc I will have completely eliminated these vile creatures out of my life
I was waiting at the bank the other day seated next to a very elderly lady who smiled at me and proudly said, "I'm celebrating my 67th wedding anniversary tomorrow." I smiled back and asked, "What's your best relationship advice?" She quickly replied, "If your man gets unruly, just walk away my dear....just quickly walk away without saying a word..... just walk away."
Even when they use foul language? They call horrible names? Tells you that sex online is better than me? That killed my heart right there! I am leaving soon but getting stronger through all this! I trust God is with me Jesus rebuke and bind everything not of you into the lake of fire and loose all good things to me from Heaven❤️🙏 I ask now I’m Jesus name Amen
Respond, don't react... or react responsibly.
Watching this every morning until it's engrained in my mind and my thinking. Thank you!
Honestly same
Gabrielle Wieczorek,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Same!
I've been doing it wrong for so long. Every time I would react they would seem to glow or get turned on. It's them feeding off of my energy that makes them feel better. Now I'm realizing what their game is, don't react, don't give them pleasure of knowing they've hurt you. Thanks for the clarification.
Blue Crystal you’re also feeling better because they transfer of their negative energy on to you. That’s right so important to learn how to respond and responding either means walking away and not engaging or Setting a boundary and enforcing a boundary.
It took me a long time to understand that getting upset at them just makes them feel powerful and in control. It wasn't until I had enough and quit reaching out to her that she decided to try coming around again. I saw the same response from her each time. Act normally, apologize when that didn't work, if it did then go back to abuse, if it didn't work wait and retry again.
Best thing to do is to avoid them and if confronted by them just stay calm. If they say something rude or crazy just say "If you feel that way." and then make sure you tell them you don't have time to talk and move on.
Andrew Boehmer 🙌
I also once read: "Confused people attract confused people." This really made me own up to my own codependency that attracted the narcissist in my life. Then when I started to be healthier, I attracted healthier people. Although ofc there are people who are like leeches anyway... biggest lesson of my life tbh.
YESS!!❤
These videos are incredibly helpful. Thank you so much
Being with a narcissist and going through abuse is God forcing us to learn how to love ourselves.they are not going to do that for you.its a blessing in disguise but you can get through it.💪💪💪I love you all. You can do this
That's exactly how I looked at it. I didn't value myself enough!
That was beautiful, from one Shaniece to another.
@@shanieceutsey7228 awee thanks so much. XOXOXO
very interesting angle....agree with it
So insightful!
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a classic Narcissistic apology....
Yes but its not narcissistic to say that to a person who screaming at you, possibly even degrading you or refuses to see his or her part in the discussion.
@@Glitteryglows I just repeat "I'm sorry see that differently"
The best response is: “Who does the person your pretending to be, think they are?”
Hey! That's what a lot of therapists do! And I think they're trained to do so!
@@electricjellyfish375 When a narcissist says it...it's a non apology. It's not a show of regret or remorse for what they have done, they're just sorry you feel that way.
❤ wonderful advice! It's truly a bummer to be emotionally reactive and be at their mercy. Thanks for equipping me for future abuses
Evil people hurt people.
Correction: Hurting people hurt people
@@threeicys No, I disagree. I have been hurting deeply most of my life from abuse and I dont hurt people. Only when I am triggered strongly by someone
@@TigerPaint92 You are the exception that confirm the rule, You have learn to act differently. I really do think that hurting people hurt people that people who doesn't love themselves hurt others
Pfsif correction..Mentally ill*
They need therapy because they often faced an abuse and abandoned their illness!
Definitely not sympathizing with an evildoer does make more sense. Otherwise isn't it aligning understanding to your own destruction? So it makes sense to care for yourself instead of receiving their directed projection.
My sister just unleashed a litany of abuse at me. My response was and I quote “all that you have accused me of, is in your heart.... not in mine”.
Gabriele Poverchuk,You don't need a narc 😈 in your life
Woah!!
Ask her have you looked in the mirror lately!!!!
❤❤❤❤❤
Wow this is a good statement
Helpful! Also, being in a position where you don't feel listened to or safe isn't a conversation. It's good to say, "You know, I'm going to go. When you're ready to have a conversation about this, where we both have the ability to talk and to be heard, let me know." It's empowering when you speak up for what you deserve. You teach people how to treat you.
My spouse hated being walked away from. Towards the end of our relationship, he got more aggressive than ever before. That's also the same time I started standing up for myself and stopped taking his crap. The more emotionally independent and confident I became, the more I learned to "respond" to his abusive tactics rather than react. Which resulted in his attempt to try harder. Eventually, I had to leave cause he would threaten to hurt me if I walked away from his arguements. Of course I walked away anyway because I wasn't going to allow him to EVER think that I would "bow down" to his threats out of fear. Nope!
Anna Rosario 💗💪
They bail pretty quick when you stand up to them. Wasted 8 years on eggshells, then I said "enough". And never again.
Queen❤👑
Blessings to you! Glad you had the power to move on and loving yourself.
Exactly, what I experienced. They all seem to behave exactly the same.
My ex of almost 4 years brought out the worst in me. It’s only been a few days since we split, and I’ve been immersing myself in these videos to help me find myself again.
I feel the exact same way.
Please be strong stay split if possible!!
You're on the way! #nurtureYou
Thank God people like you are making these videos to help people. My narcissist husband used my childhood abuse to completely screw up my head at an especially vulnerable time in my life. My mental health was being abused by using my abuse against me. At 37 years old I never met a narcissist or knew what signs to look for. These videos saved my mental health. I’d have ended up in the psych ward if I hadn’t stumbled across these. I cannot thank you enough. 🙏🏼
MANY Have.....I Know For A FACT! One Went Thru Because Of The Gaslighting And Confusion Came OUT AWARE.🥳💃💅💯
My childhood abuse is being used against me too
My child hood was used against me and I did end up in the mental institute. He cheated on me while I was there and told me he didn't want to be with someone crazy. 😢
Currently going through a divorce with my narcissist it's been the worst.
_MISERY LOVES _*_GOOD_*_ COMPANY._
One bad apple in a basket of good apples 🍏 will always rot and destroy all the other apples in the basket. It’s never the opposite.
Thank you for this line
😄 Now, I get it. The Earth is not flat or round. It's just one big basket.
It's bullying, they love to get a rise out of you and they know you will react. I am learning to create boundaries and hope next time if they say something to me I will respond rather than react or just cut the relationship..
Cut them off you don’t need these freaks in your life they all use this but we are family thing as an excuse tell them to go away with their nasty face and their spiteful mouth
Exactly and try to trigger people
Literally your tips are saving my life. I had to deal a lot with my brother in the past years and as I told him I was feeling sad and hurt about what he was saying to me, he never understood that. Leaving the situation is the best option to do. We only can decide what we can do, not how the other people should behave
My soon to be ex husband has the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old
So does mine!
I am sorry to know that.
My childhood was very very traumatic because of my narc mother and aunt.
Responding instead of reacting , is a sign of emotional maturity. Trying my best to practice the right way to respond properly on situation that really pushing your limits in dealing with an emotionally, psycholigically abusive person. Truly grateful for having the opportunity to watch and learn a lot on improving my self, by loving my self. God bless you more Ms.Stephani, your videos are truly a blessing to me just timely.
Your talking about avoiding falling into a pitfall of negative emotions that your offender is pressing you against.Walking away when you see it that way truly is empowering because YOU CHOOSE TO NOT PLAY "THEIR GAME."I love it you made me understand.
Thank you Stephanie. It took me two months after I left my ex husband to quit responding to this type of behavior and that drove him even more nuts. It was the hardest thing I ever did, to quit responding to him. People didn’t understand. They said I shouldn’t let him get to me. They said I have to control the way I react and I knew that; however it was so hard! I had never encountered something like him before so I didn’t see at first what he was doing. Thankfully it’s over now, 3 years later, he has no power over me anymore, not for a long time.
are u guys still together or broke up? i cant deal with a narc partner. they will just end up doing things behind your back.
GoSu done for 3 years now
MyOwn ThineOwn 👏🏼
He didn't deserve you :- >
@@sheisasurvivor8479 you deserve a good man🙏🙏🙏
When someone is trying to hurt you, treat them the way you want. Do not cater to them at all.
It's pretty sad when grown ass adults don't know how to regulate their emotions and they walk around angry and lash out on everyone..this video describes my "family" member
You're absolutely right Stephanie! It's a reflection of themselves, my sister is a narcissist and i believe that she doesn't have self-love, she is always looking for ways to hurt the next person, negative, abusive, a liar,conniving, causes divisions, completely poisonous like a snake. You are spot on!
My sister is too! Hate her
Best comeback to say to someone who says something very hurtful to you, say excuse me I'm not a mirror 😁✌❤
I like the “ respond vs react “ because a response is warranted! Having the fortitude to respond to nasty dark toxic is fine as long as it isn’t emotional. Calling out their unhealthy is ok
I happened to stumble upon this channel while I was desperately looking for help.
It’s hard for an empath to come to terms with their life experience. Empaths, given their nature and outlook to people. They constantly are looking at their own flaws and go on a journey of sled sabotage.
Thank you for the amazing work put together.
My experiences with the narcissist husband makes me realized he cracks joke , make fun of me , degrading , embarrassing, or insulting me just wanted to see me in shucked ,speechless , and emotionally in pain reaction-to his behavior , I can see it just like drugs to a drug user, I believe he uses my reaction as his supplies, the more I feel sad and in pain the more he enjoys and happy. I have learned and know better now. Thank you for Stephanie ‘s Film and all of your comments . 💗
Walking away is very powerful. I walked away from my father when I saw he was getting going, and removed myself, and he followed me to my room and cornered me. 100% powerful stance to say "No I'm not going to do this with you" if it evoked that big of a reaction. Because they want you to stay and play their game.
Samantha McCarthy,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist....
Check mate ✔️
Remember by leaving a narcissit your respecting your self and not only that your protecting your mental and emotional well being
God... ive needed this since forever. I have been picked out deliberately by these people no matter where i go and i need to find out why that is and how to stop drawing them in.
thank you for making this video!
I love your compassionate approach. There are some evil narcissistic people, but for the most part , yes, they are simply unable to contain their pain, and trying to get some relief. When you don’t have buttons, they can’t be pushed. It’s worth the work to remove them.
Sometimes, I don’t think it’s worth the time and effort to confront them in some cases. Each situation and person is different.
Trisha Whitehouse I'm learning to just keep my mouth shut so when I do what I need to do for me I don't feel bad for them at all especially when they don't want to hear you anyway. Theres no getting through to them, I'm glad I'm strong now.
I hate when you respond with no emotion and they assume you’re accepting what they say 😑
That’s just our own overthinking. Don’t assume they’re accepting. Enforce boundaries, respond or leave. Don’t accept what they say.
Bye Felicia
Let them think what they will. Go ahead-BE their a**hat, their stalker, their (in my son's case) loser, their liar, their cheater, their (in my case) drunk, their this, their that.
Ah.. you have no response to that... "I'm right, god damn it I'm right!!!" .. with that evil grin...
Me thinking... No.. your not, I'm just shutting down and done entertaining your wackadoo for the 1000th time.
My husband screams at me if I say something and when I don't.
Living with a narcissist who has a terrible temper even after years of therapy is terrible. It's really been destructive to my sense of self, confidence, and how I feel. It's done damage for sure but I am trying to become aware of how this has affected me and what I can do to get better until I can get to the point I am able to support myself. That day cannot come soon enough. It's really hard now and has been for a long time. Covid made it even worse. I just want to get out of this situation now.
Do you need help ? I can recommend you to someone who helped me get my ex back and he can also render you help as he did mine too
Whtsapp him directly
+234,,,,815,,,,689,,,,.6436
Screw disarming them. Just stay the hell away, and keep them out of your life!
Amen
@@deborahemx2 Yup!!
Sometimes it’s your inlaws that your husband wants to stay in contact with or your coworker or boss. Can’t run from everyone.
@@joannasaad298, true. It's noy always easy.
Amen to that!❤
Thank you! We all need to know how to deal with toxic people. Yes, hurt people hurt people!
7:14 This is SOooo important, and it's a hard decision to make when you understand the other person's background/problems. However, if they're attacking you... it's no longer about them. It's about YOU, and what's best for your own wellbeing.
We can only help those who help themselves. They usually do not want to change.
After living with a narcissistic grandmother who hated me for 13-14 years, I’ve had enough. Really good video. 1. Knowing your wounds 2. If someone damages your vulnerable spot and you understand your wound, have an inner dialogue.
I am on a work team of 3 people. BOTH my teammates are TOXIC. I didn't stand up for myself right way and now they walk all over me and are downright rude and unprofessional. I am watching your videos to learn how to CORRECTLY stand up for myself so that I don't risk my job or reputation. Thank you for making these free videos.
Thank you so much for the reminder that this is a process.. in your last video.. it’s a really soft and forgiving way to look at the process of healing and breaking the power of the narcissist because they are so tricky and will creatively switch it up to reengage.. it’s a constant readjustment and for me I have to be on my toes all the time, every conversation.. I cannot just drop this person so your videos are really helping with the boundary setting and just giving me strength to keep up the fight to reclaim my life❤️🙏🏻
This took me so long to master. He knew exactly how to trigger me. What I did was I started expecting and got myself ready for him to trigger me. So when he finally blew up and said hurtful words, I was calm about it. I didn’t let him get to me because I already prepared myself by telling myself that whatever he gonna say I know it’s not true. I always feel like he test me. Like he want me to say something hurtful back but it’s just not me.
Then what happened after?
@@TARIQLES for me, he cried and said he did his best
Wish I had all of this information 45 years ago
I understand but you have it now to protect yourself 💜
A little to late. At 56 just to broken.
Sherry Roberts you can have a new life of enjoyment. Heal yourself and live positively. You are invited to read my blog: Blue collar lit. No ads, I don't make $$ from it, I post most weekdays. You don't have to comment, just have an iced tea or other refreshment and have fun & inspiration.
Sherry Roberts,hope you are not with a narc 😈 cause you are too beautiful 🌷🌹🌷🌹🌹🌷🌹
I hear you.....I'm close to 50 and think....my god how different my life could have been....my best option would have been...love from a distance....but I didn't understand the dynamic back then....
Definitely! The only way to get off the drama triangle is to remove yourself, refuse to play roles you're baited into. But be sure to do it from the start with all new friendships and relationships. Emotionally immature people will find someone else if they think you're too much hard work to engage in a drama triangle. Bear in mind too that they're probably not really aware that what they're doing is dysfunctional. It's learned behaviour, I've done it myself without realising why I was doing it. Get therapy if you want to get better
The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way. You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives. Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Oh my gosh, you are incredible. I feel like two hours with you would help me more than years with some therapists! Those of us who deal with narcissists know that the normal rules of engagement go out the window, and we need to have the tool to deal with their behavior! I found this video to be so helpful. I'm so glad you included how to respond to 'you're running away', because they always say that when I'm removing myself from the situation, and that always the one I'm not sure how to react to, so sometimes they get it to work, and I'm drawn in. Subscribed.
No in some situation we should answer them in their way when they are disrespecting us between people and then they leave the situation becz they can't handel it back .God bless us
Hurt people do hurt people. After working with a narcissist for 7 years, I've learned so much. You cannot allow yourself to insult others. We can choose who we hang around with and that's our prerogative. I have always told my kids that I will not argue with them and it is important that we have adult conversations. So I tell them to come back to me when they can talk like an adult. They love it.
Stephanie, I don't know how you did it, especially since we've never met and this is the very first video I've seen of yours, but you climbed right inside my head and hit every self talk and feeling that I've been having lately. Your words have helped me tremendously. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
This came up at the perfect time, God bless
I absolutely agree with you! If you step down to their level and react the way they want you to then ultimately you are just as better as they are
It doesn’t solve anything. Especially if they are narcissist. They will use it to play the victim and make you look like a monster and escalate the situation even more
OMG soooo damn true!!!!!!
Omg this describes my sibling to a tee!!
They are children..these narcs
setti fiori true, they display extremely immature mindset and behavior
@Stephanie Lyn Coaching, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, I love your videos! You're a superstar ❤
In my experience the best response to negativity is to simply say "thank you" and move on. And of course you will be "tried" again and again. Just respond again with the same "thank you" until they give up and move on themselves or the negativity dissipates. Any reaction only fuels their fire. One caveat here: make certain you are not actually the narc in denial.
Thank you for this; I needed to hear it. Even after studying domestic violence for years, I was still hurt last night and questioning myself after my abusive ex-husband contacted me, gaslighting me. I've had a counselor tell me WHY I was in that relationship, but she didn't tell me how to handle it, in order to fix myself and have peace. I really appreciate it Stephanie.
Very useful also because of the real life examples and situations. Thank you 🙏🌹
Watching these videos further confirms to me that knowledge truly is power. And I find that these things are pretty helpful when dealing with narcissists.
This was really helpful. It’s so hard not to react because I naturally want to defend myself or call someone out. Knowing my audience is so important, thank you.
I am so grateful to have run across this video. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and a domestic abuse survivor as well. Thank you for giving me the tools I need to survive and ultimately thrive after the aftermath.
When you hold this standard and not react they keep trying other ways to make you.
can't agree enough with ALL of your followers. you are the gift from God literally saving my life. I cannot thank you enough!!
Joanne Bettencourt Thank you so much one of the nicest comments I have received! All the best.
I feel is best to ignore and cut ties 100% because what they want from you is a reaction or start an argument. “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” if you are a believer and read the bible this is 100% true.
Stop seeing friends in common. Avoid going to the same places. Don’t talk about them to anyone and focus on something else. Now if you live with them, plan a safe exist where you never have to look back or get in touch with them. Once you are gone you are gone. No second chances they will never change.
💕
Yesss
I absolutely agree 💯💯💯
I lived with a narcissist for 14 years. He almost killed me mentally and emotionally but I refused to let him kill my soul. It’s very difficult to be in that marriage and painful to be out of it because he could not accept defeat so the more he became meaner and vindictive. I thank my own family, my children and most of all, I praise and thank God for all the love and healing. Thank you Stephanie for sharing your expertise. God bless you always for all your helpful counseling vlogs.
I have been dealing with a manipulative SO. At first the only thing I knew how to do was to just stonewall so as to not react, but I have been getting better at listening and not reacting or getting angry. She will constantly reflect and try to push buttons while asking if I am getting angry, and I finally understand why.
It's crazy how I found your video about 2 years ago about boundaries and you helped me so much. You helped me become so much more aware of who I wasn't and who I needed to be ever since I found that video, I've become such a stronger individual and you always say such amazing and eye-opening things when I need to hear it most. I love you girl!
The person who abuses, does so because they get something out of it... They get the attention or the ego stroking or whatever... They are willing to do whatever it takes to get that from you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to disengage. It takes two to be in an abusive relationship... the abuser and the abused. If you aren't one then you are the other.
Why do you say Idiot? Yes someone could be the abused in a relationship & and also be an idiot... listen, I know what you mean, but you are assuming that the abused knows what's happening to them in time to get out. You are also assuming that they haven't been sucked into the relationship through any of the multiple means that abusers use to disguise their abuse... love bombing for one... You also assume that they have the support, both financially, emotionally, or legally... to get out successfully... not to mention children...
You are doing what the abusers do and placing the blame on the abused. They aren't idiots, they are caught in abuse, by their abusers. Yes they can choose to get out, but don't always have the means or support to do so easily.
I place the blame on the person who abuses.
While I have no reason to know this is a truth about you... you seem to be saying that someone who is abused is just as responsible for that abuse as the abuser. That no matter what the situation an abused person can get out if it... Do you and I live in the same universe...?
So, how about the woman with three children, who's mother and pastor tell her she should shut up and be grateful she has a man who supports her... who also beats her... who also abuses the kids... Or, who lives in a community that doesn't believe her, or when she does try to leave, has her family do everything they can to stop her...? Or tells her that it's gods will that she should obey her husband, no matter what. Not to mention that she works and her husband takes her check and mostly uses the money to buy beers for his friends or drinks till he's too drunk to stand, then beats her senseless because he trips coming in the house...
Is she to blame?
What an odd view you have on abuse.
I"m glad you aren't in a relationship with me. I doubt I could survive it. Blame the victim is the classic excuse of the abuser.
Okay.
This thread not helpful
Yes 🙌 LOVED this video! I have told my son the same thing about bullies since he was a child, but I have continued to be bullied by my mother for years! Bullies (narcissists) are just insecure and miserable, and they always will be. Just as you said we need to know it has nothing do with us-they are acting that way because THEY are so miserable 😩 and have no outlets for it other than tormenting other people! Elderly parents with narcissism are especially hard to deal with. And it just goes through the generations, it is a hard cycle to break, I am a 3rd generation single mother as well. Thank you so much for this video ♥️
It sounds like you are breaking this generational curse! Great job by the way because it will benefit the generations to come.. blessings!
Thanks for your messages that only 'hurt people' hurt others. It helps to ease the pain and anxiety when one's being attacked!
The advice about telling someone "you're violating my boundaries and I'm detaching now" seems good if it's someone you have to interact with on a regular basis. But if not I think the less said the better. The last thing I said to my covert-narc ex after she sent me an email full of accusations and gaslighting was "Okay, good luck to you." No point in telling her more as it would only feed her need for drama. And if I had said more it would have left me feeling too emotionally attached. I'm prone to second-guessing myself, but it's been three months now, and with that, I feel like I made the right decision.
I prefer to say nothing and walk away.