HOW TO SPOT MANIPULATION IN YOUR FAMILY| Basics of TRIANGULATION |Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубликовано: 7 июл 2024
- #trauma #TOXICFAMILY
#tamarahilllpc
Triangulation is the act of manipulating people in a situation -- sometimes behind the back of someone else -- to achieve an ultimate goal. That ultimate goal may be to control, deceive, or harm in some way. Triangulation can be intentional and unintentional.
When triangulation happens in the family, it can be devastating the relationships and the trust each member may have previously had in one another.
In this video, I will discuss the triangulator in the family and the difficulty of trying to manage someone who intentionally (or unintentionally) manipulates communication.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro
1:28 what is triangulation in the family
2:41 what drives the triangle
3:44 the pattern of triangulation
-example
9:55 ***HOW TO GET OUT OF TRIANGULATION
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I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
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Triangulation. That word alone raises my blood pressure. In case you missed it, I discuss it here too:
ruclips.net/video/O5AlmonDF1A/видео.html
I wish that I had ALL of this information about triangulation decades ago! Thank you for this!
You're so welcome!
I wish that you and RUclips were around twenty years ago.
This is great feedback.
I moved away from the dysfunction but it was pure hell growing up.
Thank you! I'm glad this was helpful. And I'm glad you moved away from this. That's the first step toward greater sanity.
Thank you Tamara for your videos
Knowing the dramatic triangle 5years ago was a great revelation for me. It explains a lot and you can't stop noticing it around once you know the concept
You're welcome! I'm sorry you have had to deal with that. It's very draining to say the least.
Here's to Energy Conservation ✨
Its so crazy to think of going to all that effort to create triangulation. It surely describes my mother. Im so blessed I am nothing like her.
Well said!
I just can't accept my sister in law because she does this. Then she breaks down in tears which gets my husband upset. Then their parents get involved and we're Then all angry with each other. She sits back and watches.
This is the typical triangle of unhealthy and reactive families. Once you notice what is going on, I suggest disengaging because it takes the power from her. She's used to doing this, obviously. Shake her up by not engaging.
Going through it too....
I'm sorry @ebee.
I Feel Another Side Effect in Living in a "civilization" where this Runs so Rampant is that when something serious does happen the folks that truly needs help will be too afraid to Speak up about it.. because they feel they will be made a spectical of... either fearing that they will not believed, and or used to Garner attention, causing the person(s) that need help to not feel safe to come forward and Abuse will continue in a way that makes Victims feel Hopeless~Helpless....Less
I truly do Thank you M'Lady.
Heres Wishing Peace to Yourself and Healing to those You are Reaching.
I Feel Safer as well as Much More Hopeful/Helpful the More I learn and work through.
Thank you FairyGurl! Appreciate your input and motivation of others on the channel. Very glad you are healing and moving forward.
My sister has done this & said things to my elderly parents about me so that she has become the golden child. I've gone limited contact with her but parents have tried to get me to sort it out "just for them" or "do it for me" they say, to guilt trip me. My worry now is that she is getting money from my parents because my dad likes to "buy" you as a way to get connection. It's so sad. Your videos really help to explain everything, thank you
You're welcome! And thank you for watching.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough because you can't make a relationship work with someone "just for me." It doesn't work that way. If so, we wouldn't have channels like mine. It would be nice if you could connect with her but it sounds like she has little to no empathy or guilt.
@@TherapistTamaraHill No empathy or guilt. She got called out on her behaviour for the first time at aged 53 (our parents always told me to ignore it because you know what she's like & I did it so that I wouldn't upset my parents). I then got told "what's my problem" "theres nothing she could do" & got told I should feel guilty for things. Amongst other things I got told I was abnormal as a child because I was small & petite and it gave her a life long weight issue. It took until the Covid pandemic for me to realise what was going on & time to stand back & work on living my life now at the of 49.
Same... 😒
I'm sorry @JNYC212
@Angie, this is horrible. I'm sorry. Sounds like a lot of help was needed here.
Hello Tamara, thank you for your videos. I live in a really toxic family where I'll put in a lot of work to please someone and then what I get in return is them not appreciating it and putting me in a bad mood when I don't even deserve it or least expect it to happen. Today I might be happy tomorrow I'll be sad it goes like a pattern because of the people I live with. This has been going on for years. And its not good for my mental health. They're so manipulative, always trying to put fire in the mountain when I have done nothing wrong. Tamara,these mental trauma they put me in mostly comes when I do good for them or when I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Its painful at my age because I know I should be married and living peacefully in my own home with my kids. Troubles come when I least expect it. These people would try to put fire on the mountain at any slight chance they have. The worst part is that when there's a family gathering or get together or maybe if I plan to go visit my other siblings to spend some time or if this my sibling is coming to the house yo visit, my mum must make sure she puts me in a really bad mood by shouting on me like a kid all the time even when I did nothing wrong. When that happens its difficult to put a smiling face or pretend to be happy when all is not well. But my mum expects me tomorrow quickly forget what she did and act like nothing happen. I've had enough and I pray I live in my home soon where I can have peace. Its so traumatic that I cry before I go to sleep, wake up and continue crying.
Thank you Berry! I'm glad this video has been helpful. :) And you're welcome.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like their behaviors are putting you under undue duress and acute stress. You're right, this isn't good for your mental health. In fact, it isn't good for your overall health. It will be important for you to eat well, stay up on your physical health, engage in activities that can relax and calm you, and then focus on your nutritional intake. These coping skills can build you up as you live with them. As you know, you have to keep yourself strong and pushing forward. Praying you can find peace soon.
This came just on time. I'm really feeling done with my mom. I'm 17 can't live with her. She's toxic always telling me she bought this and that in a way that's lowering me. She says as if she's helping me and I'm a burden to her because I'm not working. I haven't found a job but I sent cv to many jobs that can hire under-18s but no answer yet. I wanna be out of this hell of a home
Hang in there young brotha! Tamara will help get you worked out.
I'm so sorry. That's really tough, and especially at your age. I'm wishing you well and lots of prayers on your journey. You shouldn't be "a burden" at your age. You're still young and trying to figure life out. Some people over the age of 32 live at home and depend on others financially. Not saying this is "normal" but just saying that you have the right to still be at home at your age. I'm sorry this may not work out any longer.
You deserve unconditional love from your parents but some of them do not have it to give. At 17 you are close to being able to get away from her. Pace yourself if you can. And be gentle with you. Take good care of yourself, vow to dismiss her comments and looks without giving her a reaction, and try to use gray rock with her as much as possible. You got this.
@@Homoclite thanks man 🙏
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks sis, I feel heard. It's true when I get a job and make money am planning on moving out to make my own home.
My mother has done this to me and my son since his birth 17 years ago. And now my son hates me and my mother is his hero. She has destroyed him and our relationship … Wow. I have tried everything to open their eyes for years and years so now I have let go! I am praying for my son to be healed and see truth get away from her and possibly restore a relationship one day. I LITERALLY stepped out! I had to go not contact at all!! I am better I am healing now and I am moving on with my life! Praise God.
Thanks so much for continuing to go over this subject. I have been triangulated by a few family members for years, does it ever end?
Absolutely! You're welcome!
And thank you.
I would say the only time it might end is if the family member acknowledges that they are doing so. Other than that, they may continue the unconscious behavior. Sadly.
Thank you
Very informative and much of use for me
I think I should listen to it again
experienced triangulation... thanks from london
Thank goodness for this video!
Glad it was helpful!
Yes please do one on racism, discrimination etc that would be interesting
Excellent information! Thanks
Glad it was helpful!😊
I think i just realized my sister has been triangulating me with siblings & other family...idk about outside friends because we don't hang out with the same ppl...she's more extroverted..me introverted yet she's younger..she's always praising me to the point of me becoming uncomfortable when she's around others very confusing & I noticed other things as well other family acting weird & not much communication..I know wht to look for now & it's very saddening that your own fam acts this way yet portrays to be a myter..I'd say she's a communal narcissist type..throws herself to be the hero for others always helping to get the attn & admiration..I'm very reserved yet I draw attn from my looks & personality but I shy away from it (bcause it seem I get more hate than anything & it starts w/family) but still I can see she trys to slick cut me down jokingly in front of others as well but acts like a victim when I call her out on it..Ive been low contact couple months now & it has helped alot & this lil bit of knowledge goes along long way..it's really life changing & thank God for RUclips content creaters like yourself for getting it out there & helping us stay aware & put a name to this behavior..Ive been in therapy 3yrs rebuilding myself bvk up & not once have they ever mentioned or said the word narcissist or any of these behavior symptoms..if I hadn't did my own research & watch these videos, I'd prob still be blaming myself for things that wasnt my fault at all & never really having any closure nomatter how much therapy I got, this needs to be talked about more than it is..& when you try to explain ppl think you're the crazy one..I don't get it.
Thank you for that! I appreciate that and I'm glad RUclips, including my videos, have been helpful. You sound very insightful about the situation and a lot of times that's all you need to save yourself from the kind of behavior you mentioned. It's toxic to say the least.
@@TherapistTamaraHill it's definitely true if u don't do ur research on RUclips and Google u may never know how wronged you may have been all this long. Some toxic parents may sound as caring but control freak, overbearing and codependent. It just seems like they don't have a life without you, without meddling in your business and they cross boundaries regardless of what you say. It's insane
Its weird...you can lock yourself in a brick room and cut all contact and they seem to still keep it alive. Just step out of that room and your in it. I wonder why they never quit?
I agree with that. Yes. Some family members do. Like I mentioned in the video, they get a pay off somehow from playing the role they play. Because of that, they may behave in an "addictive" fashion and find it hard to "quit." That's very sad but true.
@@TherapistTamaraHill its seems like a simple solution...just tell them to leave you alone and stop but the few times I told them that caused narc injury and they ramped it up worse and because they abuse covertly its truly harmful. Thanks for you information and videos. Have a Merry Christmas 🎄🎅⛪
Very much agree with this assessment.
Thank you and you're welcome!
🔥
I think i could have caused this a couple of weeks ago. I have a narc cousin that drained my grandma of her life savings to go on many trips all over the country while in college. She told her sob stories about being a broke college student but used the money on trips to go follow different bands around. All of her college got paid for but she made terrible grades because she was traveling and not in school. Long story short she has had a very hard time getting into grad school for the same thing I'm in grad school for. So I tried to one up her I dont know why and now I feel bad. She has a job where she says she's a counselor but she doesn't have a masters and I called her out. Now I see what I did wrong and I'm going to try to make it right.
Thank you, Michelle, for sharing this. I think it is great that you can identify what you did and then desire to make things right. That doesn't mean, however, that what she did is right either. It just means that you're decent enough to not want to behave in a manner that is wrong.
It sounds to me as if you were holding in some anger because of what she did to your grandmother and took the opportunity to be passive-aggressive (with good reason). Family members like your cousin are difficult because they push you to say and do the wrong things yourself.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes indeed they push you. They actually study you as to know the buttons to push. Never step out of integrity because that is a lottery win for the narc as they will capitalize on it in every way I believe and have experienced myself. If your a saint they are discrediting if your a sinner they are exploiting. Supply.
"Study you" is the key word here. Yes. Very true of how they operate.
As the youngest siblings I use to do this to my older brother. I would pretty much snitch on them to get them yelled at by my parents. My older siblings would get their revenge and now we are close. I knew I was manipulative but didn't know the term. Thanks Tamera!
I think this is quite normal! So many siblings do this. It really just depends on how intense this behavior was that would determine if it was dangerous or truly detrimental.
@@TherapistTamaraHill okay yeah it wasn't so much so that my siblings hate our parents so it wasn't that much. Just me being a little sh!t that's all. Lol. Luckily I realized it and stopped it long ago.
That's good! Nothing growing up and maturity couldn't heal.
@@TherapistTamaraHill lol yeah
Please with subtitles!
Certainly working on it!
💜💜💜💜
I'm the rescuer.... but was also the one abused and neglected.... my triangle looks more like the toxic cemical sign... and I'm the point in the middle of 3 triangels.... I'm trying to break the triangles up to create more of the circle diagram often used where 3 circles over lap.
Thing is... I'm the rescuer, but no one has ever really rescued me....
I'm sorry Katie. That's really tough. The rescuer rarely if ever gets rescued because this role puts you in the light of being strong, independent, and capable. When someone sees you like that they rarely feel the need to support you.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yet ironically tconstantly tell me that THEY are RESCUEING ME when I require help above the 'expected level of obligation' yet im not able to say no sorry I can't atm I'm broken... can't ask for help in return, to be functional to help them...and if I protest and throw a fit then I'm ingrateful and devaluing help thats 10 years old....
I will break my toxic triangle sign cycle or it will kill me trying... I don't let EVEN 1 OFF HANDED COMMENT or well intended shouldn't have been said moment go by...
What is worse the lead triangulator or the enablers who agree to lie and manipulate?
Now what if the “victim” is actually really being victimized by someone who is highly narcissistic and is just looking for validation and support in that moment? Is it triangulation if the intent of the victim is to legitimately get support from being abused?
Felt like u were talking about my mother...
I'm sorry 😞
I feel like in my family, my sisters & mom have all played victim at one point or the other. How do you stop this triangulation? Do I leave my family? I don’t want to avoid the situation but I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted of being i the cycle for the past 35 yrs 😩😩😩
Brenda, you point out something you may not have seen yourself. Your sisters and mom including the rest of your family using the victim role is something that happens in a lot of families. One of the reasons why is because of intergenerational trauma, family enmeshment, and family alignment. What I mean by this is that family members often band together and exhibit the same behaviors, knowingly or unknowingly.
Not knowing the full details would make it hard for me to fairly answer your question. But I suggest truly exploring if putting space between you or leaving them behind is wise.
Is triangulation maintained by jealousy as well...
very good question. Yes. Sadly.
She uses very strong words as “I HATE HER/HIM”
I DONT LOVE YOUR SIBLING!
Yikes. As Marsha Cunningham stated borderline personality DISORDER
is probably the worst title for somebody who is compassionate and has learned a way of thinking that they don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Not like they are trying to be difficult. They don’t want to be that way! They don’t want something to be bigger than it is. Its exhausting! It’s just the way they were brought up. That’s why DBT and CBT helps people change their mind frame. No one group says I want to have borderline personality. It’s not something that is a vindictive trait.It’s not a choice! They are compassionate they don’t want to hurt people.
Borderline personality is completely different from a narcissist or a psychopath!
First things first it’s a learning trait that you don’t used to do. It’s exhausting. It’s not like they know what they’re doing is wrong until they get help. Psychopath and narcissist choose not to do good they choose to hurt people
I think it's very fair to say she is right about this. We do, however, have to be careful that we are not lumping everyone into the same pile. Not everyone diagnosed with BPD behaves or feels a certain way. That would be like saying all children with ADHD will grow up to become criminals with low IQ's and moral values for the rights of others due to impulsivity, even though they don't want to be this way. My point -- not everyone with Borderline Personality Disorder is the same, just like children with ADHD may display different traits and behaviors too. You really have to hear and see the label and then learn about the specific behaviors and thought patterns of the person before you.
Mother is the victim