LIMERENCE: Loving Unavailable People Drains Your Emotional Vibrance
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 19 окт 2024
- 🟢 Order My New Book and Attend a Special LIVE Workshop Sept 25: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
When parents harm you as a child it can really damage the way you perceive other people, how you feel towards them and the way that you form attachments to them. In this video I respond to a letter from Amyra.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com...
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com...
The whole package is kind, loving, generous, and crazy about me. He’s hardworking and intelligent. He has proper values and respects me and the people around him. He is accepting of me. He isn’t perfect but is capable of self reflection and can communicate with me. The best part is I get to be the whole package for him. We show up as the very best version of our self, and we get to be happy and have fun together.
I’m happy for you
Yes! This
Does he have a single brother 🤷🏽♀️🤣🤣🤣
@@pacificprincess5849 🤣🤣
This sounds lovely 😊
Realizing I've never been "in love;" it's been limerance. My whole world has been turned upside down in a good way.
Good question, Is it love or is it something else??,, sure feels like love, because my feelings are all encompassing of this person on my mind.
I feel the same. There's sadness and grief but also deep relief and liberation ❤️🔥🕊️🙏🌹🦁
When you see yourself differently, you'll attract better. When you can acknowledge that you are both the problem and the solution to all your problems, your life will begin to change.
Do the internal work and figure out what personality trait is causing you so much unhappiness. Let's begin to normalize being the Victor in the stories we share.
A victim will always attract situations that will allow them to continue being the victim. Choose to be a VICTOR today, and watch your life change.
I've decided to just put all my efforts into my hobbies due to excessive heartbreaks....
Me, too.
Entering flow states can be very useful in healing from limerence’s detrimental effects!
There's such much more to life then just a relationship with a man. Not saying that a relationship with a man is always bad but there so much more too. A relationship with God, Hobbies, Bible studies, exercise and walking, crafts, cooking your life can be "full". Even if you are single
@@lindsayowens4962May God bless you Lindsay 🙏😇🥰
I may be there as well
The best part of defeating limerence, is learning to recognize it for what it is, a lie and your own responsibility as falling for it and not having boundaries. Just that is enough to carry on with enough peace for the rest of your life.
Amen
I feel like what helped me was seeing what real love was like and learning what respect I actually deserved. Then I could clearly see that relationship as fake and a projection of what I thought I wanted.
I personally subconsciously stopped wanting the relationship before I really knew what the limerance problem was when I gained more self respect and worked on dissociating less.
I tell myself out loud, “it’s limerence! Stop!” That usually ends those thoughts.
Yes, understanding what it is exactly and then working to subdue it.
"You no longer have time to lose months or years to be in limerence over someone who is not really your guy" YAP this is it. I was feeling a strong attraction (Limerence) towards a guy that is in a relationship, and even though I see it very clear that I do not have real feelings for him and im just attracted to his unavailability and looks, I just can't shake this feeling off. Thank you for calling it out Anna, I need to establish stronger boundaries for myself and get away from this.
Here's my question though. Attractive (looks) people are attractive. Ok so we can't have crushes on them now? And just because someone is in a relationship doesn't mean we shouldn't be attracted to them or develop feelings. I think its perfectly human to develop crushes even on "unavailable people." Limirence is actually thrown around to include crushes but actually lumerence is rare. Its more if a psychological obsession where the thought and fantasy if a person is more important than the reality of the person, to the point that you would get irritated by the real person not living up to your fantasy of them. Unless you have something like that going on you probably have a crush and thats ok.
@@AR-mu4zq yes this has puzzled me. It's not the same as list, but seems more like preoccupation
Woah, so all of her 20s and 30s were spent limerant for this narcissist!?!? Wishing her all the luck for healthy love that is rooted in truth and presence. May the spark of good love find her. ❤️
Thank you so much for these kind words to our letter writer. We really appreciate it. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I feel the exact same way she does... Limerence relationships seem safe because it protects me from further heartbreak in a way....
I experienced it in a time that I was no where near ready to have a real relationship. But god, it got so unhealthy and painful.
I feel like it’s safe bc deep down - we know it’s not gonna be a real relationship. Like a day to day committed relationship.
The first step IS creating a life of joy! A life you look forward to!!! Where you’re on top of things! Working on it now, retrieving my life years of pandemic and even pre-pandemic isolation. Trying to “not miss him” doesn’t work
I appreciate this breakdown “avoidance of agency” - from years of having no control and having to contort your brain to make sense of what’s going on around you. I can definitely relate. Childhood trauma completely distorts your “normal”
Stop pursuing an unavailable man and giving your heart to a ghost! Damn I needed that
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
This was a wonderful video Anna, I really needed to hear this particular message. I have also wondered if something was wrong with me bc it is so rare that I’m even attracted to anyone and when I am, I can be sure that they are inappropriate or unavailable for me. It’s just been the story of my life and I’m approaching 50 yo so I feel like time isn’t on my side. I see women who are friends and family that have been married 3 and 4 times and I just don’t know how they do it. I mean I don’t even get asked out for coffee. It’s probably my fault bc my cab light isn’t turned on, I know. I’ve never had a relationship where the guy actually really cared to know me. All the effort has always been left to me. One thing that has changed for me though, is that I know if a guy doesn’t seem enthusiastic to be with me then I shouldn’t try to make excuses for him. You know like, his job is hectic or he’s going through a lot right now. NO. I have a job too, and to be alive and our age is to have a lot going on! I’m done cutting people so much slack. If someone is truly interested, they will make it known. Anything less is a deal breaker. Again, thank you. 🙏😊
yes.
Indeed, if someone is interested in you, they will show it 💛
I do not know if this is relevant for others that suffered this pattern, but I was addicted from a very early age ( and there is a reason) to WAITING. I made that decision to wait as a 3 year old. So, my limerence had this aching feeling of waiting, waiting, waiting. It is a pattern for other areas of my life. It is a hard pattern to break, to just be present. I sometimes go for a while, and then slip back and catch myself waiting again.
I relate. The churches I used to go to, many years ago, said to the best choice was to wait for god to bring you a spouse and to make it obvious to you. Well, I waited for nine years. Then married the guy who asked me. He left the church and became abusive. I left after several years. Waited over 7 years. Next guy asked. Repeat. Ugh. I divorced and am still healing over 7 years later. Haven’t felt ready to date. No longer believe in that god.
Wow, I've never thought about it but it is so true.
This is a really interesting insight... I often find myself waiting for love to hit me or someone to notice me somewhere in public. It feels disempowering for this to feel like the only way I can connect.
@@kamran8451 same here😔
@Hélène Wow, that is an amazing insight. When I got married, very young, the addiction did not leave me. If the man was older, I slipped into a comforting limerence, never letting it come to reality. I had a very damaged father who did not want his children, and said so. So, I decided to wait, for the day, a Father's love would come. I thought I was the only person in the world, with this. I could see it, but could not seem to stop it, until I bravely brought to conscious awareness, how cruel my childhood had been. Your last line, blew me away!
This one literally made me wake up. I will no longer look at emotionally unavailable men. Im ready to take on a real relationship in the future x
Hey Fairy,
Do you realize that the job you , and others, are doing is actually paying off ! The fact that this woman coming from one of the most conservative and patriarcal culture in the world is reaching out with such an accurate vue of her story and present situation is beautifull. And also possible because healing is not an only "on the couch" situation anymore. Because of you all we can compare and say "No" to therapists who are not right for us. We can analyse, take distance, find à community to share, find the good therapist. 10 years ago it would not have been the same situation. Bravo to this woman. This platform allows us to learn so much about how to see our own storys and feel our feelings. It is giving validation ! It is a very important job, so keep going. With CFC and other channels i've been educating myself to the point that it saved my life. To be honnest, it is likely that without this knowledge i would not longer be here anymore. So those are life or death situations that you help us sort out. For everyone, please keep up the good and prolific work you do.
Have an amasing day everybody!
Cheers from France ! 😉 love !
Emotional affair with a married man; his wife died; we’re still friends, intimately so - - but to my devastated heart, through phase after phase it’s now dawning on me that he doesn’t want me. Limerence can go on forever unless you wake up and kill the forfeit king. 💔
Why are you friends w a man with such a terrible character? He cheated on his wife - and then he led on another woman. And he must know (maybe unconsciously) about your issues and low self esteem. That’s why he targeted you, led you on, and then didn’t choose you. And you’re still friends w this person? Where is your anger??
Thank you for bringing awareness. I wish I would have seen this 9 years ago. I bought the twin flame community hook line and sinker. Now that I am free of it, hearing people advise "twins" to stay in toxic situations feels so disgusting and exploitative. Thank you again for helping 💫📢💜
That twin flame scam.. I never understood why people fell for it. Then I discovered Limerance 🤣
And guess the guy you think your twin never Contact you again
The new age + spiritual communities have so many toxic pockets!!! I was super into new age and Law of attraction. Until finally the abuse hit a level I couldn’t dissociate from - and I realized my dad was a narcissist / abusive - and my childhood was - not good. Denial, compartmentalization, workaholism - kept me from seeing that for a very long time. And all of my “crushes” and “romances” - I can see very clearly now as limerance.
Outstanding vid! There is always something for everyone in these sessions. I always go back and rewatch these to stabilize myself and my emotions. Thank you so much, Ms. Anna. Your wisdom and great advice is so healing for so many of us!
Glad you enjoyed this one. Thank you so much for the support. - Ashley, Team Fairy
You are not alone Amira. I was also raised Indian in an Islamic family to an arranged marriage and my dad was sent to jail. The women toxic examples and hurts were similar. This video was very triggering and helpful to me too. Thank you for sharing your example and allowing us to learn. As I learn to date in better health of mind body and soul, in mid life this has been helpful 🙏🏽✨❤️🔥
I enjoy building model cars, reading about cars and collecting Die Cast cars as a hobby and it brings me a lot of joy ...
I grew up with a narcissist mother and my first relationship had patterns that were similar to her behavior. it took me 3 years of constant heartbreak to finally realize how unhealthy the relationship was for me. I’ve always been a very romantic person, I love love and being romantic and all that fluffy stuff. After my breakup, I am in the same boat. I’ve become slightly avoidant and I have no feelings or desire of love or want anymore even though I do want those things. I feel so dead inside and I feel broken too but I need to understand that I went through a lot and it’s time to start healing those wounds. I’ve also accepted that if I don’t find the best man that goes above and beyond, I am not settling. I’ve been scared that this emptiness will never go away and I’ll never feel chemistry with anymore else. However, I prefer that over someone who takes advantage of my love again and doesn’t deserve it.
I am so happy this experience was shared. I too find it rare to be attracted easily or at all. I do have lots to offer. I’m stuck.
Thanks to this beautiful soul I was able to identify the Limerence mid-episode and pivot toward recovery. It wasn't easy but being conscious of what was happening helped me learn alot about myself. The moral of the story: I'm capable of love and if anyone wants it they'll find me.
Yay!
it really hurts and fucking scares me that i may be losing years of my life to limerence. it’s so scary because i know i’m predisposed to being in that state. it makes me feel shameful and guilty. i don’t want to waste my time.
I hope today is a better day for you. I fighting like hell for me today.
'How do I become the dignified, boundaried, responsible, beautiful, capable woman I am meant to be?' Mmm this question is so valuable! And yes to the life of joy not depending of others! Thank you so much for this video and the precious nuggets of truth, clarity and wisdom you bring us. I'm a recovering limerant. Sending love, healing and hugs to the writer 🙏🤍⛲☀️🤗
Wow, what a bang on my head, Anna. Thanks for this wake-up call - just when I'm waking up. Cleaning-up my act (my rooms, my body, my eating-habits, my interests, forgiving others their un-payable debts etc.) allows me to look and act more in line with what's healthy for me. I'm much older (than you) but I don't think this changes with age; I think I might find someone with whom I can share joy - and there's so much joy to be had! - "even" at the ripe age of 67.
My experience was similar, but i would say even more hurtful, as i have a rule to never deal with married men, so i met a guy who was similar to the Professor described, high status in society, good looking, very kind and all in the package, he told me he is divorced since 4 years and everything is over and solved there... we never started a proper relationship, he kept me 2 years in stand by position, telling me he needs time....., while he still felt responsible and looked after his ex family even she had a boyfriend, but she called him for everything, one day he send me a message that is better everybody goes there own way, i was shocked but these videos teached me a lot about myself, boundaries, childhood trauma experiences and narcisistic behavior..... i am still educating myself and wish i have found these teachings long before i met him, as it 3 years and i still grieving over him, or the illusion he is going to create for me the life i miss.... thank you for the job you are doing!
Too many boundaries isolates too!... there’s a balance and at 60 , I don’t know if I’ll ever find it!
Boundaries are important but also often serve a powerful euphemism for the non-reciprocity of narcissists, solipsists, and machiavellians who are happy to suck up all the energy, attention, and love a codependent is willing to give them while only giving back crumbs.
Thank you Our Fairy ..You and only YOU have helped me so so much and in this subject ! I never ever knew it had a Name ..
I have limerence towards my Mom. She may have never loved me. I was in Alanon many years when someone said out loud “my mom didn’t love me and I am okay.” I ate those words and repeated it over and over.
I still try to show up for her hoping hop-ium that this time be different.
The idea 💡 that my own mom didn’t love me is the ultimatum “I must be unlovable”.
Right now she is not talking to me 😂 which is a huge time in for me.
Thank you for this and all of your videos. I had intense childhood trauma and all of life's sppedbumps that go with it. After 9 years with a therapist who I felt 'got' me, since discovering you I realized we weren't actually getting much work done. Then she ghosted me and it felt like a blessing to drop that and get to work. I tick all the boxes for cPTSD and have been celibate, self isolating and avoidant for over 10 years, whilst feeling like the proverbial one hand clapping. I've been on a few dates and thank goodness, dodged the bullets and didn't go any further with these folk.
I've become the cat lady, living alone, never socialising which wasn't part of the plan. But I did cut out a bunch of toxic folk from my life including family so that's a bonus and I do now walk with open eyes. I've never had a healthy romantic relationship and would love to really open my heart one day.
Your understanding and generosity in sharing has been helping so much
Thanks again
And as the saying goes, "God will never lead you to another woman's husband."
Yes, you have to get to a point of being happy with yourself, and to really know yourself. And, to be disciplined with yourself, but also forgiving. So many of us are still healing -- the wound does get smaller over time -- and the real you can shine forth. We're all a "work in progress".
That’s it. I gave my heart to a ghost. Insidious thief. And I did it to myself.
It sounds like her original wound, stems from the loss of her mother. Death broke her family unit apart, then she watched her father attempt to unsuccessfully connect with another woman. I mean this in a completely platonic way, but I suspect she tried to take her mother's place, as a way to reanimate her from the dead - to sooth her father's wounds. That's why she cannot see the severity of his actions, if it was violence. She is seeing it through a dead woman's, untouchable perspective - that she so desperately wants to be alive.
To pinpoint where she stands in all this, I think she needs to face the loss of her mother, first. To separate herself and let her be gone. As hard as that truth is. She was seven when she passed away. A time in her life, a young girl starts to consciously recoginse her identify - it starts usually at six. So she barely got a year of consciously recognising her identity, when a huge figure in that process, disappeared. She is longing to find herself, and is afraid to face that process - because it's marred by a seven-year old girl's memory of it being such a painful process.
I think her mother would want her to know, it's okay to let her go - and be the woman her mother gave her life to become. It's okay to live her life. It's okay to be happy. She is not betraying her mother's memory, by letting her go. She is fulfilling her mother's greatest wish. For her daughter, to have a fulfilling life.
Some info about asexuality:
If you're asexual you are NOT broken, and you can still have a happy, stable relationship! There are options out there for asexuals who want partners. Some aces are sex repulsed, and they find someone who feels the same, while others are ok with, or even enjoy sex. Aces don't experience the initial physical attraction, but that doesn't necessarily mean they never want sex. For example, it's possible to be ace, and have a high sex drive, so you choose to have sex even if you don't find anyone attractive.
Honestly if you have cptsd, and you're ace, it can work in your favor! It can be helpful to not have a physical urge potentially complicating and rushing relationships.
I myself am demisexual, which means I only experience attraction after I've bonded with someone. I'm relieved about this for the reason I mentioned! I didn't experience attraction until my late teens when I fell in love, and that attraction only grew stronger over the years.
I figured I'd share because it could be worth exploring and thinking about, for todays letter writer! I'd also recommend they find some forums and places to discuss this to learn more, if they haven't already. It can be a really important part of forming your identity and figuring out what you want, and personally, comparing experiences helped me a lot!
That makes so much sense. Thanks
Thank you for adding this nugget. It was a topic I had thought about recently, and it helps to hear another’s perspective/ wisdom
This sounds like that tendency these days to way overanalyze the tiniest minutiae of our inner lives and categorize it. "Demisexual"? That's just regulars relationship bonding. It doesn't need a name or it's own special label.
@@Captain_MonsterFart not really. It means that you are physically not attracted to someone until you got to know them (feel a connection). Like, you don't think about them in the terms of attractive/unattractive, you don't even think about them as a "man" or "woman". And then suddenly your eyes open. At least for me.
I relate to this letter a lot. The way Anna broke it down is brilliant. I believe its possible to be asexual and limerant, i think its kind of a mental compensation.
Happy to hear you enjoyed the video. Thanks for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I relate to feeling asexual + limerant too. I’ve also dealt with enmeshment and engulfment from controlling narc/codependent parents. Feel like maybe it’s a fear of being taken over again?
@@00st307-m yes I am the same x
Another informative episode. Thanks for keeping it real. I liked the line when you said dating a ghost. If they got a wife or gf they are a no go, makes it so hard when a lot of them lie on dating profiles!!
You are not alone! Thanks for sharing❤️
Your work and your channel is saving lives. Thank you!
I identified with this woman's letter sooooo much! I just realized I've been having all my relationships with Narcissist too! I recognize this but I too feel as though I'm not attracted to anyone, I hope someday I will attract and be attracted to someone who is not Narcissist. I'm still listening to this video so maybe I will hear my answer.
Your insights are so powerful Anna.
I can actually feel my shield melt away listening to your healing perspectives.
Pls keep doing what you do.
This is good advice. I tell people to check this channel out because the tips and techniques work so well. "investing in a ghost" = limerence with an unavailable partner.
I could have written this! I'm not Indian. I'm American and my step mother never left, but otherwise it's bang on!
I watched this video a few times because I could definitely relate. I also find it hard to be attracted to someone or find someone attractive to me. There are some jurisdictions where even threatening someone will land you in jail like where I live in Quebec. The author of this letter sounds very transparent, honest, authentic and self-aware of her issues and blind spots. I think if her father had indeed been physically violent to that evil narcissistic step-mother she would have said so. Also we all know how racist cops are in North America. My guess is that the stepmother baited her dad and ran off to the cops with the threat that he was going to hit her and the pigs believed her and threw him in the slammer. One less person of colour off the streets, right?
Sounds to me that evil step-mother was a real piece of work and left a trail of destruction and hurt and pain behind her. Amira didn’t deserve that, no kid does but I’m not hearing much in the way of real solutions. Amira said she’s off the prof now and wants a healthy relationship with someone available and good but is having a hard time feeling attraction and chemistry to others. Doesn’t sound like she’ll go after another narcissist or married guy anytime soon. She wants to feel that spark again for someone appropriate. I came out of a 5 year limerant relationship too. I want to learn that as well.
You projected a lot there. If the story of her father was that dramatic and unjust, it probably would have been mentioned. You seem to carry some serious resentment that maybe needs examination.
I can relate with this on every level. I know it's less optimal, i could even enumerate the no-gos and yet, in the depths of my mind it's like I'm in a trance, following the false hope i created for myself 😔
Thank you sooo much for doing all this videos on Limerence! Priceless!
You're welcome. Glad it was helpful. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you so much for this straight talking reality check. I can really sympathise with this woman, if her mum passed away and she had an evil step mother, it makes sense she would have a kind of traumatic loyalty to her dad, and there is some fantastic info on narcisssitc family systems which might help her break down the different family roles and get her head around it further so she can free herself from family enforced habits further..
I think education and theoretical understanding of narcism is tremendously freeing, more than therapy itself, because by nature narcism is confusing and sets everyone into caos and into a path of self doubt and excuse making.. And its not your fault, but its wonderful to have the knoweldge and tools to catch it as its happening, when your about to make excuses for someone else again, you can see where your just responding from a trigger to keep secrets and enable someones bad beahviour to get a little positive reward from them... I just want to say this because recovering from narcism can feel like it will take a lifetime, but i think about a year of research can bring good break throughs and very real empowerment. Ultimately therapy is well spent understanding reasonable but maybe mal functioning behvaiour so you can make better choices, with narcism, nothing about it is ever reasonable or truely workable, so time spent figuring it out is lost time.
I can imagine how vulnerable she might feel to truely imagine what closeness and genuiness might be like, and I think practicing with genuine friendships could be good, because its lower risk, and you can have many different friends, rather than looking for the one perfect man. After a while when it feels more normal to feel special the way genuine friends mirror to us, it might be easier to trust that and pick it up, when its a dating situation. Its hard for sparks to fly when someone is affraid, so i totally agree with your advice anna, finding joy again, and letting your guard down, enjoying life again will make it easier to notice when that time comes that its truely a good thing with another person.
Im in that process of tidying up loose ends, i think its cyclical anyeay in everyones life to have a clear out and a reorder anyway, and it feels so great! I feel immemse self assurance growing from getting back on top of things and feeling in charge of my life, instead of at the mercy of chance.
My father died when I was 5. My biological mother, was the evil "Stepmother". 7 years later my mother had a baby by a unavailable man. Then she treated me like Cinderella.
I hear you. I recently resigned from being my mother's Cinderella and I'm 58 ha ha freedom happy dance
The vulnerability you show in this video Anna, is so moving. You are the friend we all need.
Btw, this woman is playing the victim card. She feels deep inside she deserves this man, therefor she will not let anyone else in.
@@karinsolli9581 Nice one! Victim-blaming a person who had childhood trauma, wants a healthy relationship with someone available, is doing therapy and her best to change herself for the better in order to leave the toxic person behind her. I’m sure you’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys with your judgemental attitude and the assumptions you make of everyone around you.
You have saved my life. God bless
We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
The title is Truthful !
Don’t give up, Open up! Good advice.
This was excellent from start to finish! Thank you
Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
once i defined limerence and found your videos, i have felt so validated. thank you again and again for the videos dedicated to limerence.
Glad Anna's videos are validating for you. Sending you encouragement! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Good luck Amira. This is where the hard but worthwhile work, starts.
Right on time 🙏🏼
I fell in love with married man, who was before my colleague and friend. It was very painfull for me, because he was very supportive of my transition to my own business. I felt like he was my soul mate. Anyhow it was bad for me to stay in touch with him. After I left the work and he was no longer my colleague I wrote him that I no longer want to be in contact with him because my relationship changed to him and I fell in love with him. I blocked him on FB. Now its a month after that and I feel better even if I miss him. I am concentrating on myself and my business and am healing. I feel that it was great decission. Also I would like to mention that thanks to watching Annas video I realized it quicker that I was limerent. Thank you Anna 🙏🤗
I just had a revelation when hearing the end of the video where she says that boundaries isolate. People with CPTSD see other people in loving relationships (seemingly loving relationships we don’t really know about a couples actual relationship, people are great at hiding any issue) and they see that those couples have no boundaries with each other, and THATS what they crave. That people allot their boundaries to “outsiders” and have no boundaries with their partners-when it comes to TRUST. If there were actually no boundaries between healthy partners then of course it would be a toxic relationship. But to those with CPTSD they just see the level of trust and don’t realize that’s what it is and just assign it as a relationship between two lucky people who found their soul mate.
Fighting feelings of limerence just sucks.. more so when the guy in front of you just flirts with you every time you're alone and then flirts with literally every other girl in front of you. Like dude, I don't care who you want just stop dangling this false hope over me, and be a good friend cos that's what I really need
Wonderful video and analysis thank you! Your giving a label to this unhealthy attachment to what we think are romantic interests has been so important to my healing. Limerance is a huge problem generator and now knowing - from you- what this is and why it happens is so important. I still feel limerant at times but now I have a label for it and can tell myself I when i am doing /feeling it and tell myself to stop. Xx
I think that "normal" people, and even people prone to les electric limerence can't even know how excruciating, how life devastating, how totally crushing this state of being could be (it's not a feeling, it's a state of life because it's all consuming). So, I have a problem with this concept of "deciding" what to do when it comes to limerence peaks. You can't decide on your own in most cases. You need serious help.
GirI, you're with the rest of us who don't find ninety five percent of the maIe population attractive. ✌🏼
Ditto!
We're all sure you're in the top 5% yourself.
@@D4ngeresque wow, way to be petty and insecure. This is not about top and bottom percentages, it's perhaps just about having a specific type or perhaps - at least that's true for me - being attracted to people whose personality I really click with. You don't know this person and they don't owe you to be attracted to you. Chill.
@@xLiLlyx98 Please show me the part where I said a random youtube commenter I don't know owes it to be attracted to me. Also, I better chill. I'm so clearly worked up about this random thing I commented on weeks ago and then instantly forgot about. Monologue on your own time, dude.
@@D4ngeresque 😂 95% of the male population, lol. Then I guess all you’re left with is 5% of males who good looking with narcissistic, psychopathic, ASPD, BPD of HBPD disorders
Pornography addicts lack the empathy for Intimacy in marriage but he is loving to strangers and his neighbors.
i’m 18 and i’m in a relationship with someone i don’t feel great with. i dismissed all their aspects that i didn’t like, so easily. i shoved all of that under the rug, like it was nothing. i feel so triggered, traumatised, empty and defeated. and the worst part is that i don’t feel like i can leave; part of me is in pain just considering it. but i’ve reached my limit. for a year i’ve been dating this person and even though i have thought of ending it countless times, i haven’t. with a person that doesn’t meet my needs, i twist and bend myself to meet theirs, as if i can vicariously achieve true love that way. it hurts, but i’m used to it. it’s something i’m attracted to. i think what makes it most hard to leave is that i don’t have someone to confide in that understands me if i do break up. it’s so much harder to end something when i don’t feel like i have a support system, or hope outside of the relationship. i truly feel so broken, so disappointed in myself. but i guess i can only go up from here. i really don’t have any other choice.
I am 24, listen to me so you don't waste your time like I did. Don't stay in miserable places where your most basic needs aren't being met and where you feel neglected, unloved. Leave the person, enjoy your passions and try to be the best version of yourself and only invest in someone who would be delighted to be with you. Also if marriage is what you desire don't wait too long. Don't rush it, but also make sure you use your 20s wisely. I know matter what someone tells you, you will only leave when you are ready. But trust me in this one, you do not want to waste your time, no one will ever give that back to you
@@dsb1080 i just broke up with him. i've been crying so much. i want him beside me.
@@kaeyaslut3545 I completely understand and it is ok to grieve that relationship. I am currently in the same place with what feels like having lost my best friend. But in my soul I know it is for the best and I know you know that as well deep down. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better. Focus on making friends in real life so that you have a support system in the future.
I get a lot from your videos. Thank you.!
Happy to hear that. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
What frustrates me is that I know all of this stuff, and I'm not hung up on anyone at this point, but I just threw in the towel (at least for a while) on the "dating" idea because the only two men in the last few months I've had much to do with other than in passing were both largely unavailable, for different reasons, and I pulled back when I realized how unavailable they each were (within a few weeks), with no regrets. I don't know why my cab light is off, it feels like I'm driving my cab down Main Street and nobody's wanting to hail me at all. So I just turned off the light on purpose, and I'm just driving myself where I want to go. So to speak. It's really frustrating. Lots of lovely people pass by me every day, many stop to talk to me for a little bit, but none are interested even in coffee.
Wow, I really like the way you deliver your message. ❤ you have a very grounded approach and I love the 12 steps being thrown in whether it AA or Alanon or SLA. Honesty with one’s self is not easy but once you get there the freedom is sweet.
Thank you Anna, you are a blessing to so many lives. You are an answer to so many prayers of heart break and unspeakable pain. May God Almighty bless the works of your hands💕🙏🏾🕊
Dear Anna, I am blessed to have found your channel. I'm looking for ways to help my adult daughter who's isolating herself. Do you have any videos on how to help your loved ones who are affected by Childhood Trauma Disorder? She doesn’t want to go to therapist
Girl! This video is a word! ❤❤❤
Wooow i discover this channel woow it’s amazing helps me recover a límeremce
How did you get so wise? You're 100s of times better than all the therapists I saw since college.
Wow really needed to hear this
Incredible thank you
Taking this advice today for a fresh start. Thank you xxx🌞🌈🤞❤️💕💕💕
Love this!! We're cheering for you as you start this new chapter. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I've been recovering from an abusive , malignant, narcissistic x for a few years now. With him for over 16 years. I get what woman is saying about her professor and don't think she was projecting about him being popular on campus and all or most of the girls wanting him. That's what narcs do! Mine did...it's typical of their charm and wanting all the attention from any woman they can.
I really identify with this
Loved this video, thank you so much
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
“Don’t mess with married men” and I’d add ex’s including deceased partners if the person hasn’t reached closure ( or perhaps acceptance)
Amira i feel you🙏💪
Take the advice, 6 years I wasted on a married man, now struggling to stay away from him, he's not a good potential partner! He lied and cheated on his wife for 6 years, but still for me with traumabrain, it's really really hard to stay away, but these videos put words to what I'm going through
I'm so glad you feel understood here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I actually used you as support to break up with a man I felt I loved🥰, 6 years, he ocourse is married, first the word crapfitting got me!! I have the goldmedal ;-), then the traumabrain, and it all just fell in to place. the two first days were very hard, but a week in, I feel much better. Focusing on me, OMG I spent so much time in trauma over this guy.. who wants someone who cheats on their wife for 6 years.. I know I will have struggles and relapses, or maybe not. My energy level is up and I listen to one or two of your videos every day to keep me focused. THANK YOU
Do you have any more videos about the being on time, being organised, trusting oneself in one's life and organisation etc Anna? A very pertinent theme. Thanks!
It sounds like you may have internalised views from your stepmother on superficial qualities that make a person attractive (potentially also from the media growing up too). But the reality of dating is that there is a certain bracket of people who will be available to you/attracted to you based on what you are putting out there. Obviously there are exceptions and attraction is unique to each person but in general people who have those superficial qualities you see as “the whole package” will be attracted to other people who have similar qualities. So if you want those people to be GENUINELY available to you, you could try and develop some of those qualities in yourself (eg make a lot of money, put a lot of time and attention into developing your physical appearance). Because remember in the relationship you had with the professor he wasn’t ACTUALLY available to you and interested in being with you exclusively. But even if you did that you might find the reality of dating one of these types of people much more unsatisfying than the perfect fantasy constructed from the moments where they show you your best side. For example even if you were that professor’s wife and he was technically “your” person he would have been doing that behaviour behind your back because he has a need for that type of attention. Alternatively like is mentioned in the video you could just consider those people completely off the table because they probably wouldn’t be interested in you without you significantly changing yourself but if you did and ended up with one you probably wouldn’t be interested in the reality of them. As mentioned in the video instead try to focus your attention on other positive qualities like how a person makes you feel about yourself. It won’t feel as easy as an ideal attraction you made up in your head and there are unattractive things about everyone but a bond can grow over time if you decide you value finding someone real over the idea of perfection. Or if not there’s no reason you can’t lead a happy life alone and enjoy your fantasy life! But if that’s not satisfying for you then anything where you’re dealing with other real people involves an element of compromise. Good luck! It is possible to train yourself to be attracted to different things and repulsed by things you used to like if you frame them differently for yourself. It can take a few years to really sink in and you have to keep reminding yourself but I’ve done it!
I needed this one.
The end made me cry - that is exactly who I've worked on becoming. There's just a few threads left to freedom (and lifetime of devotion to joy and loving boundaries).
Glad it spoke to you. Sending you encouragement. - Ashley, Team Fairy
This reminds me of listening to Roy Masters in my 20s on the radio.
Never get involved with married men. Best advice ever.
Wow! Really hit home! Tytyty!
This came at the right time
Oh good! :) - Ashley, Team Fairy
Omg your hair looks beautiful
I was never abused as a kid but I feel like some some things happened that may have caused me to avoid attachment. I was a military brat so I learned to keep myself from getting too close to friends as I would be ripped away from them every 2 years. Also, my Dad was simply not there, even when he was physically there he was very much self-absorbed and career-driven. Sometime I feel my faux-trauma doesn't warrant my avoidant/needy(is that even a thing?) attachment style. But maybe it's legit.
This is really helpful, I thank you a lot for this.
I have limerence but I have too much social anxiety to approach the man, or any man for that matter. I think I'll be alone for the rest of my life and these fantasy are the only thing I have to hold on to.
Being Asexual is one of many reasons I deleted my Facebook account.... Facebook made my heartbreak worse!!
This is my problem too
Don't be in limerence with someone else's boyfriend/ or gf either. Not just someone's husband or wife.
I'm in love with someone that was never available emotionally only for sex she was never truly intimate. Said I was wierd and nagged to much because I wanted more . I just want to be loved
i dont even have ptsd but i still get limerance , why?
I loved this video❤
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
There was so much for me in this video
We're so happy to hear that! -Calista@TeamFairy
Soooo true…
It sounds like she was looking for a mentor, which is similar to a father figure. Being a mentor is traditionally part of the role of a professor. So I am curious about whether this professor took any interest in her work as a student and in her career, and whether it was helpful or inspiring, and if that side of it was important to her.
If she felt limerence, was any of the limerence caused by the excitement and possibilities of her studies?
Mentor Definition “an intimate friend who is also a sage counsellor, as of one who is young or experienced”.
Traditionally also known as “male mother” to help guide young men into male world, as a kind of traditional service or duty to youth when men leave their mothers and fathers behind; a responsible role that professors are traditionally supposed to respect.