Yes. I did about a year of greyrocking with my dad. He acted like he couldn't take care of himself. So I stopped stepping in and helping. He started talking care of himself. He just didn't want to do it if someone else would do it for him. Then when he got really abusive again, I walked away for good.
You couldn't have said it better.... i am experiencing silent treatment(2 months and counting) because i confronted my fiance about his cold and insensitive attitude towards me while dealing with an ailment and grieving the loss of my uncle. I dont know if it's because he is unable to show empathy.
I can imagine how much you love this man. You called him your fiancé. I beg you to look at his behavior. You are not imagining things. He is cold, unresponsive, and uncaring. And this is still in the early stages of your relationship. As time goes by, he will only get worse. I’ve been in a marriage to a narcissist for 26 years(I didn’t know), it’s been full of nothing but pain, grief, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, and heartache. I’m now working towards a divorce. I just can’t take it anymore. Please hold your truth with this man and ask yourself. Do you really want to be with somebody who cannot be compassionate towards this very very dark and lonely time in your life when you need compassion and love? He will never give it to you. He can’t he’s too broken inside to care about somebody else. Before you get married, seek out the assistance of a counselor to explore your childhood where you learned to not need anything from anybody to be loved. You were groom from a young age to love a narcissist. This is a life of nothing but hurt and emptiness, please work on yourself before you marry this man I employ you to search your truths. How many times have you seen this behavior before in more subtle forms? Please read up on love bombing and Hoovering. Dr. Romani doesn’t excellent segments on these topics. I suspect that that’s what he has done to pull you close enough to him to get you to marry him. Ultimately, you deserve better
@lindakosy Same here... I'ts going on almost a year. He reached out to say happy bday but ignored my response. Loves to block me I know It's a form of punishment, but I stopped caring a long time ago, every narc I know acts this way when they feel exposed, told no, or feel disrespected.
The important thing here is 'they don't see you as anywhere equal'. It is so true and they go as far as making you feel wrong about your worth. They even go beyond and taunt/gloat to make you self blame. They truly must be hurting bad!
The narcissist's splitting causes the victim to split too. We hold good memories in a different place than the bad ones. This is such a complex issue, so thanks for making it accessible Dr R!
@@maggamoosie801 their splitting reinforces the cognitive dissonance. Of course they're not ALL bad ALL of the time, which is why it's so crazymaking!!
IF a narcissist agrees to get help, with family going with them to the doctor appointments for behavior verification, etc. IS there anything that can change the narcissist’s behavior or have them understand how they are behaving and how difficult and wrong it is? Bottom line: can this personality disorder be treated like other mental health illnesses with therapy and/or medication?
Learn a out the last sign of a regular relationship breakdown by gottman.. it's when someone switches from assuming positive intent to assuming negative intent.. it's interesting
I always called this the Yo-Yo, I didn't know that there was a term for it. My mother would come at me & tell me to get out of the house, that everything bad in her life, & my family's life was because of me. Then when I would stay away, she had my father beg me to come back. They would tell me how wonderful I was, & They would promise not to be cruel to me any more. But, of course, when I returned, if something else ticked them off, they would come at me again. I was the innocent bystander & scapegoat, & now I understand the splitting. I was always obedient, did whatever they told me & got good grades. Of course I ended up in narcissistic relationships, & saw the same patterns again, but I didn't understand them to be dangerous bc they were familiar. & the malignant narcissistic spouse that I am divorcing, did the same splitting, sometimes in a matter of minutes. He would see me & give me a big smile & then decide that he hated me & his face would literally go grey & dark with intense hatred. Thank you Dr Ramani for continuing to help me & everyone get through these very difficult experiences with by providing the insight & education & information so that we can understand what we are dealing with & take actions to protect ourselves. Our power is in the information.
"You're only measured by utility" ooooff it's so true! And now that I know how I'm viewed, it completely frees me of striving for any sort of relationship with my sister. It can be freeing if you can work through the grief of basically being used as a resource/supply vending machine.
@@sugarpuddin Yes, but we don't know if that's part of the act they're putting on. You never quite know with politicians since they always have an agenda.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Outwardly, she was always boasting about me - that I had achievements, that I was so smart. But she never confirmed it to me. At home I was always a spoiled lazy person, sickly through my fault (because I don't listen). As if she was talking about two completely different people. Now I understand it. Thank you for a great - as always - lesson. PS. Sorry for my language, I don't speak English very well.
This gives me insight into a narc boss trait that got me worried sick for long at work. It's like smear campaign, but the opposite. He never praises me in person, only virtually and behind my back. Weird stuff. Thanks for sharing!
My ex used to love my cooking when we met and he'd tell me "Mmm, you're such a good cook; so creative: wow, i would never have thought these ingredients would work soo well together..." Then it switched to "Oh my god, you expect me to eat this? Are you trying to poison me? Did tou pick this rotten food out of the bin? " He would then take the plate of food untouched and chuck it in the bin! Shouting while making himself something "Suitable" to eat. I was mortified.
Yes, and I just began making my own marinade. My son stopped in and tried and loved it. Literally just had a review on why my spouse doesn't like my marinade before seeing your comment. I think I will keep making it, 🤔 I like it. I have never been able to duplicate a perfect meal twice for him.
@@well_weathered Perfection could be made but that is exactly why they denounce it and abuse you for it. Power, control, manipulation and depravity for their own toxic pleasure of abusing you. I bet your marinade is bloomin' gorgeous! What's the recipe? I love cooking, me like; more than eating haha. Continued healing success everyone ❤️✨👊
@@ApocalypseofMichael I marinaded steak with drizzling on Heinz Worchestershire, Egmont Manuka honey and Grandma's molasses, then rubbing in ground cloves. Then I sprinkle with Weber Montana Steak seasoning. Share your own recipe here?
I'm trying really hard to get out of a narcissistic marriage, and it's killing my very soul. I've said over and over I want out, let me go, I don't love you ... he won't leave. I'm miserable, trapped and angry quite a bit. This is my life. I've listened to all the videos you've posted and I just cry. I am learning, I will say that.
Honey until you don’t take the life in your hands no matter how hard it is you will go in circles over and over . Just do it and heal your soul your brain your whole body will feel better ♥️ I had to do it next day after he me blocked in all devices social media and leaving me in the hospital almost dying after ectopic pregnancy surgery then i said enough left cold turkey. Thank god 1 year with no contact the best thing ive done in my life
I have been married to my narcissist husband for 30 years and didn't realize he was a narcissist until I saw one of your posts. My husband followed all the characteristics for a covert narcissist and the favorite was the silent treatment that lasted one time for 7 months!! I now am in the middle of a divorce. I am looking forward to my new future life. I want to thank you for what you do. I have been listening to your book, It's not you" and I appreciate all of your insights. I know I am going to be alright. I have family and friends support but I feel like you were there to guide me through this process. Big Thank you!!
I was also finally freed from 30 years of marriage a year ago. I'm telling you the greatest joy is that I can breathe normally and live peacefully without worrying about Narc's mood swings. Don't look back, go for it. After the divorce, you may sometimes feel guilty. Then, look for Dr Ramni's episode about guilt. Her videos will help you go through your journey.
This is why I get suspicious of people who openly mistreat me and then are being oh so nice and friendly as if we've been the best of buddies and I have been a highly valued member of the team this entire time.
Great description!! One day you're the best, one mistake and you're the worst. I made the mistake of telling my narc ex that everything in life wasn't black and white. He responded with, "It is! That's the problem with you, you have too many shades of gray!" That comment really opened my eyes.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- that's what I always thought of my dad. He could be so nice at times which was confusing. It took him getting to his worst as "Mr. Hyde" where I realized I couldn't handle it any longer for me to go no contact.
It's like a roller coaster ride you can never get off of. I would much rather he be one way or the other, but it could be good and then the rug gets pulled out from under me because I may have forgotten something or didn't make his food right. It's exhausting.
Oh, wow, this is exactly my husband. His good days~I’m so beautiful and he’s so in love. I say something he doesn’t agree with-‘I hate you’, I’m leaving when our son is 18’!
Wow.I have recently become observant in my narc relationship and I can see this clearly now with your explanation. Thank you Dr Ramani you have helped me understand this very hell like relationship that I now know what is happening. You have been a light through this very dark time.
Can relate to this…excellent memory, as scapegoat and truth teller it pisses them off but they have also benefited / sometimes but seldom praised it. Further, you raise a great point - good memory when your life has been trauma is a barbed hook of blessings curses etc. I love my mind but wish I couldn’t remember so well sometimes. ❤
@@hiloknowsall7462I feel like I could have wrote what you said myself!! We have no choice but to keep track yet at the same time we can’t help it that we have such excellent memory recall to the T.. When you go over everything - where you were sitting, where they were, what they wore or what you wore.. doen yo the T.. The rage, trying to veer you off track with their salad, words and deception and nastiness and mockery.. then they decide to be emotionally and mentally vengeful and cruel and then hang up in your face or walk away because they’re avoidance and don’t want to actually have to own app like a proper adult that they are.. it’s maddening at how stupid they think you are but if they ever need you for anything it goes on for them… you’re the best person in the world.. for that & then they just discard you all over again.. and you’re the subpar stupid human that they consulate tell you are or act to show you that they think you are because of what they feel inside about you. My mother, father and brother are exactly the same same nasty beast. They are the ones that deserve to have the chronic illnesses as opposed to me.
It would be so much easier to spot narcissists if they would consistently act toxic all the time. They can turn their abusive behavior on and off at will, which proves that they know exactly what they’re doing. It’s carefully calculated.
Thank you! Its so confusing along with RAGE. ONE minute they're smiling, the next they're screaming at the top of their lungs. One minute he's making me dinner, the next he's telling me I don't know him and just being callous. Honestly it's been almost 2 months since I ghosted him and it's just been PEACEFUL. The trauma Bond be trying to get me but I think of moments such as splitting and the RAGE and I'm like no thanks. I don't miss confusion. 💛
Thats so true!! You can become very to good to very bad in just one minute in the narcissist's mind. They are extremely judgemental too. They see threat in people who are confident and composed and start calling them bad or arrogant.
So with a narcissist, never think that you are suddenly wonderful to them. Also, don't think that you're to blame when they scream at you in a rage. It is THEM not YOU!
Oh my goodness, yes! I saw and experienced this in the X, and it always puzzled me -- assigning all good or all bad to someone, and watching him flip it on the same person depending on how he felt treated. Now I have a name for that, thank you.
U have that if u have something the narcissist wants then u are the best. When u don't have anything they need u are nothing. That's my experience with narcissists. They're users & that's it! To them I say no & to hell with u!!!
A Lifetime of being controlled by a narcissistic parent, ex spouse and sibling= a very confusing and difficult life. I am depleted of self worth. This too shall pass isn't working well. Dealing with the ex is going well. But my brother is on full blown attack and attempted to contact my adult Sons and their wives to tell them HIS side of the story. They listened....(need I say more). I feel like I was run over by a bulldozer. I'm not sure about this therapist I started to see the other day. I'm hoping I'm not too old to be redirected. Thank you for writing your book and sharing some of your story Dr. Ramani. Knowing that I have your book is a comfort in itself. 💜
that sucks about your brother. It's not your fault. I'm glad you're getting support. YOU aren't the one who needs to compromise or change, and I'm glad you're getting support to help you keep realizing that. Are you in Dr R's group? It's been a life changer for me.!
I thought I was imagining things. Couldn’t understand how I could be on top of the world then a 💩 in a heartbeat. Dr Ramani you saved my life. Been on this journey since 2019. Can’t wait to read your book. 🥰. Thank you!
Har. I love this, Dr Ramani is so right on. I have a story: My Narky took me to Falls Terrace, we had a lovely dinner overlooking Tumwater Falls. Then, along with desert the waitress served me a small dish with a tiny wrapped package on it. I said "oh, gifts? What a nice restaurant!" (honestly, I thought it was some kind of restaurant promo) and I opened it - it was a nice little gold ring, with some diamonds and a pretty blue topaz. I looked at Narky in a panic. Oh sh*t, he put me on the spot. Thanks a lot, Ace. The waitress was standing there watching, and all the other patrons were looking on and smiling. I said, "oh, it's beautiful, thank you" and looked around at everyone and smiled. He put it on my finger, and the waitress asked "is this an engagement ring?" and before he could say anything I said "NO, it's just a friendship ring. I'm never getting married again." It was a great evening for me. I don't think it went the way HE wanted it to. We had our final breakup ...gee, maybe just a couple of months after that. Thanks for reminding me Dr R! I haven't enjoyed that memory in a long time!
Being victimised/ A VICTIM is what happens when someone suffers at the hands of abusers / perpetrators of violence, emotional, sexual, economic abuse etc. NARCS live in victim hood and faux victimisation to achieve certain goals. They play victim, they think others victimise them (projection) etc. they are profoundly different - being a survivor of victimisation and having been a real victim to horrendous things so many times - does not poison or create an identity in me of victim hood / playing the victim / using such things as a tool for manipulation / sympathy etc. survivor is what my identity/beliefs and values endorse these days. Hope this makes sense❤
@@hiloknowsall7462 Thank you, Agreed, but I am looking for even more clarity than that, for example, Sam Vaknin says that narcissists claim victimhood over external things, like their image and money and external objects they might have lost. Whereas true victims are trying to express their loss of internal things. Like losing time (decades) or a relationship, or loss of potential... It really struck me that Sam said the things real victims lose, can never be replaced. That made me pause and caused a lot of sadness in me... . whereas what narcissists lose can be replaced... I was hoping Dr. Ram could get in on this, what is her take... 👍
I go from great to absolute crap in less than 10 minutes, all I have to do is forget to fold a hand towel, or not put the dirty cloths in the basket CORRECTLY..... YEA there is a correct way to fold them and put in the basket.
Other phenomenons I wish you would make a video on and constantly see: 1. self-hoovering (especially with neglectful narcissists). One little positive or even neutral action (a normal message/ phone call) is interpreted by the non narcissistic partner as a positive more than it actually is. 2. Narcissistic Easter eggs (somewhat like a dog whistle, but with actions/ objects). Giving the kid a phone knowing the other parent wants a screen free time, and will be agitated. Thank you! Coach Vera
@@CrystalMarkland-hb1no It seems that Cluster B personalities in general share a lot of traits, and most differences between them are distinctions of frequency, varying circumstances, and patterns.
😮😮😮😮😮 And this video has just pointed out a major chunk of what I've been struggling with. And it's what I need to make peace with: defining someone by who they are or by their actions. It's the most unhealthy, if you want the truth. 😔😔😔
The scariest part of splitting is never knowing when it was going to happen The raging rant followed So happy to be divorced and grateful that I don't have any Narrcissist's in my life I now have my own loving tribe of people in my life Thank you for supporting me to this stage in my life with your daily guidance ❤
OMG, you clarified my mother/daughter relationship for me. I knew she had tendencies of narcissism but the splitting hit the nail on the head. I'l leave it at that...I could write paragraph after paragraph of examples.
Thank you for being here. Splitting has become... a second nature to me. I'm in a narcissistic relationship for more than a decade, growing 2 kids and trying for 8 years to convince my wife to see a therapist as a couple. Because of her denial, I started atomic therapy 2 years ago and stood well on my feet. In the last year, I found out what a narcissist is and connected all the dots. I'm healthy (always had to doubt myself and question everything), but not in a healthy relationship. In the following weeks, we'll start seeing a therapist as a couple (she said yes). I hope this is the beginning of a journey of healing. I love her and want to see her free and happy from her childhood traumas. She's a wonderful person, having a bad childhood trauma that never got touched, always avoiding to deal with it. I hope she'll understand that this type of "attachment" is the way she got attached with our 2 daughters. Love is not a materialistic type of bonding, love is about giving without expecting to get back something in return. If couples therapy fail (I'm expecting everything, even leaving therapy at the first sessions) I'll divorce and find the best possible way to raise our children with love and care. An example of daily oral abuse is not a role model for our children and will not be tolerated for ever...
The principal told me the exact same thing when I was a new elementary teacher. She told me not to take it seriously when the students loved me and not to take it seriously when they hated me because one day they're going to love you and the next they're going to hate you.
I realize my mom is a narcissist. She once told me not to study to become a Naturopathic Doctor and then when I graduated she would tell everybody it was because of her . Then when I got pregnant before Getting married i was the worse she called me horrible things and said it was my fault she was suffering. Then my grandpa told me the same thing I know realize they're both narcissist. I'm now married to a narcissist I'm leaving the relationship but he's making it really hard. Especially because we have a 3 year old.
I had a narcissist boss like this. She would go off on how AWFUL someone around her was fairly often and just the vehemence was so over the top it would leave me wondering if someone had like tried to kill her cat or something. Turns out it was always some minor way in which someone disappointed her and it got to be scary to see. She usually saw people as literally good or evil, was super vindictive when people disappointed her, which I thought was comically weird for an adult woman.
When it is your Sister, that you live with. No other Family. It becomes torture as they get older. I don't have the means to live alone. Very sad, the older we get, the sadder it becomes.
When my daughter was in her teens she would make me these glowing, loving cards going on and on about how I take care of her, etc but she treated me horrible. It was so weird at the time but now I see that it was splitting; now she's just horrible toward me.
yeah one day I went from a good friend to an actual demon. I was not just bad I was evil, all my motivations were evil and everything I did was to get him. never changed
💯 One day he was SOOO in love with me, the next "You're not a good person! You're horrible!" 🤦♀️ At least now I know the term for it... Makes sense! Thank you!
The restaurant example made me think, this how the Bachelor franchise gets people (usually with some degree of narcissism) to feel like they’ve fallen in love with the person of their dreams on just a few spectacular dates.
I am the savior on the inhale, and the villain on the exhale in the same breath! I think they resent everyone most of the time... they just throw out a few nice things or comments to keep you on the line if they happen to feel good!
My sister definitely does this. I didn’t know what it was. When I had my firstborn and was correcting him, she called me a child abuser and the mother in the book called, “It”. Then years down the line, she felt that I wasn’t correcting one of my kids harsh enough and she then told me that I was spoiling my kids so much that they were going to turn into serial killers.
I feel like I'm entering a new stage of life in which I might finally have healthy relationships thanks to my new understanding of narcissism. I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic family and trained to think I was the problem. I attracted narcissists like flies to honey and pretty much every relationship I've had has been me thinking the other person was perfect and they know everything, while I was trying to live up to their expectations that I be perfect because of how much they reminded me what a flawed person I am. I've now realized I have to retrain myself to stop seeing others as perfect people who know everything and accept them as flawed human beings, and I also have to retrain myself to stop acting like I'm this terribly flawed person who needs to constantly apologize for it and turn myself inside out trying to be perfect. It's like in looking for healthier relationships, I have this expectation that the other person will be a healthy person and I have to be too, but I'm having to acknowledge that isn't what healthy relationship means. What it means is both of us understanding that neither is perfect and accepting that about each other and ourselves.
The unpredictability of all this has made it so incredibly hard to teust anyone and I'm always anxious around people. Constantly split by proxy, self-doubt by default. Still trying to wade through cognitive dissonance. But learning it's not me 💕
Yep, just a few days ago (hopefully the last time I see my mom closer than 500 feet), she kept telling me to do things in and out the apartment while a kitten kept coming in and out with her saying "no the cat didn't walk in"
Thank you for this. I try to understand from a developmental standpoint why people act this way. And also how I might act from an early developmental stage I’m stuck at that allows me to sort of be a puzzle piece that fits the narcissistic family structure. Interesting that I can see myself treating others as if I need to please them. Even if it means they might look like the emperor with no clothes or if they ask me to do things that I know will lead to a problem. As a child my dad got angry at me for trying to protect my cats from getting run over. One day I remember watching him back over my cat before I could say anything. I also notice now, that I am very permissive with kids as if they need to get everything they wish for or I’m not being a good example. I’m glad I don’t have kids. I’m even like that with my pets although I think a lot of people spoil pets lol. I learn these boundaries by interacting with them almost as a parent. Sometimes I do yell and they don’t like me and sometimes I’m all that and a bag of chips because I give them nice things. One other example in a reverse kind of way. I watch certain RUclips creators and RUclips algorithms send me content based on my emotional state so they grab my attention. In some cases I feel like I’m in a narcissistic relationship. Except it’s the RUclips version of a creator I interact with. I’m trying to act in such a way as to fit the expectations or guidance of the creator. But really I’m getting gaslit by RUclips algorithms. I’m a way RUclips has discovered I’ve been in a narcissistic family of origin and the algorithm knows just how to keep my attention with bread crumbs, gaslighting, shame etc. it’s really kind of creepy. So I’m going direct to websites or live programs with teachers rather than watching RUclips or Facebook content in these situations. So in relation to your video, the algorithm is the infant child that can’t grow up. It’s kind of like interacting with my parents or siblings when I was a child myself. Hopefully that makes some sense. Btw RUclips is sending me tons of your content now lol.
Yeeeeessss omg and i felt that I LOVE YOU soo deep and as soon i started to talk about plans and future changes he will turn off his excitement and we end up finding on the way home
And this is a kind of reverse/ different projection to "themselves" and that is why they must have an "ideal image" (the truth does not matter), because only the perfect one can be "loved/appreciated/accepted". What is the reason? Paradoxical- they want to be accepted and loved. And reverse feedback back to people. That's all I came up with today :D
Which means that narcissism comes from Darwin's theory (indirectly) In the socialization process, they received "dependent love" (it is not love) from their parents, which means acceptance when they were perfect, but (that) children are not perfect at all (they learn from mistakes / experience / getting to know the world, because they have not yet developed abstract thinking*) , so- thirsty for love/ acceptance (to survive - Darwin; recognition by the herd) they learn to lie/ manipulate, which means create an image. *It develops around the age of 13 and then they can predict/ plan and think abstractly. Look Duc! This explains everything: - the baby will die after birth if it is not touched by its mother (and a narcissistic mother touches it "conditionally" when it "does not cause problems"; is polite) - it cannot survive on its own without a family/ herd (a narcissistic mother is disgusted by "poop", but also by dirty animals) - etc. etc. (I will not write truisms ;) It's not about love/acceptance, but about fighting for life from birth! But it's getting interesting... BECAUSE WE created narcissism! There was a change from "sociological polis" (adaptation of the concept of "polis" from the philosophy of law) to "ideal/ career/ money/ etc." Social media has reinforced this the most (feedback already in children), which means... it will get worse... And now - fanfare🥳 - Dale Carnegie started it (!!!), but it was a "seed". So the main reason is the "pride of society" (rejection of God and putting oneself on a pedestal, which is what Carnegie overinterpreted when he referred to Emerson's philosophy, which means it comes from the USA :D) BUT...Houston! We have a problem!!! If narcissists are the highest in the hierarchy and there is a cult of money/ power /career "sociological polis", it means that (according to Darwin's theory) they are... the best adapted as individuals (and even more so when the "importance of the family" is devalued). HA! I'm a f∪cking genius- I found the cause of narcissism 🤠🥳💪 Which line for the Nobel Prize in psychology? 😚😋🤷 Flowers, congratulations, visits to workplaces...😆😉
In the first days he treat me as an angel and just 3 months later, he said to me i hate you and insult me and even betray me with no reason. Iam still in shock
Once I was an amazing husband and father, now she's made false allegations and trying to put me in prison and has abducted my child. There are no words to explain how a narc can be so callus and cold and cause so much trauma to their own child and be willing to perjure themselves in court and lie to police and solicitors because they now want to discard you. There is no right or wrong, empathy, understanding or moral compass, just what they want and will say or do anything in order to get it and avert attention from their bad deeds.
I used to have a housemate like this. She was weirdly obsessed with me for the first 2 months (I should’ve known that was a red flag, but we had been friends for a long time before becoming housemates), and then she turned on me and went full blown psycho. People don’t understand how traumatizing it is to live in that kind of unsafe situation unless they experience it themselves.
Narcissists do in fact live in a strictly BINARY world with not many gray areas. When the Narcissists see the world through the keyhole of 'utility' and 'non-utility' (to THEM of course) they also then react very STRONGLY to the slightest degree of difference of opinion and even personalize it to mean that 'you hate them' just because you choose to have a different viewpoint / perspective of things in Life. This REACTION is actually them saying silently, without openly utterly the words 'How dare you think differently than me' because inside their head they believe that a conflict MUST mean that only one person is right and somebody else is definitely 'wrong' and that somebody obviously cannot be them. Not a chance in the Universe.
True, our son split all the time on his dad (husband). Everything would be perfect and then out of the blue he’d get a letter of phone call that was just so awful and make anyone crumble. It was nuts the delusional ideas that he would accuse him of or go off on his personality that he does not actually have but my son did have-projection!
I'm so glad there's a video on this. I was trying to figure out if narcs do this or just borderlines. It flips so quickly too. I experience this with 2 statements at the opposite ends of a spectrum. One statement is positive and one is negative. And I'd always ask "which is it?". I always had my step-dad tell me as a kid that his childhood was perfect and his parents loved him the most and then he'd go out of his way to hurt me and say "see now you can understand what I had to go thru. Nobody cared about me". What did you go thru if your childhood was perfect? Like which is it? And then as a truth teller/scapegoat I would point out that those 2 statements don't match. Shouldn't have said that😂. Made it worse for myself.
Im so over my relationship. Im not getting anything from it. I even told him i would rather live under a bridge with someobe who actually loves and values me than live with a cold, narcissisic, abusive monster
Hi Dr Ramani here's an idea for not so serious video: how would it be for narcissist to be last human and to know it? Just thought it could be interesting. Thank you so much for your extremely helpful work!
Is Splitting the reason why narcissists use words like always and never a lot? It seems like they want something to be either good or bad, with no gray area, no middle ground.
The only good thing to come from my narcissitic relationship is that i will never fall in love with another one. I know the signs, i know when my intuition is right. That is the silver lining in the hell ive endured for over a year
Splitting, I thought, was taking what someone said and arguing or twisting it. Covert narcissists I know do this regularly, and I think they get turned on with the argument that ensues. It seems to be a "crazy-making" strategy to unbalance the conversation or take others hostage.
The narc uses vulnerability to split. "You know what he said about you?" It is scary how they use damaging labels so freely to split. There is so much shaming that gets projected when you have normal feelings about situations. Don't go deep with a narc is so important.
With my narc sister it was more of the version of me that was bad/horrible and then the ok/boring/mild/ version of me that was good enough to be exploited by her...I was never "good/amazing" to her...she was totally unable to complement/thank me or acknowledging that I have done something good for her (whether it's a present, invitation to a nice place, paying for her tuition, supporting her emotionally). This was very confusing for me, as I tried so hard to please her and I had to constantly "prove" myself but never got recognition or gratitude for anything I've done, on the contrary, she was always belittling what I gave her and devaluating it but was happy to continue to receive whatever she could get out of me.
My ex husband absolutely loved showing off my talents sometimes even ,making out they were is own, but when I was sick or feeling low, he was really nasty. This included things like leaving me alone when I was in labour and being super horrid when I had post natal depression. I lasted 28 years only because of the good times in between and because I did not have the confidence to go it alone. Eventually as he aged it got so bad I had to leave for my own health.. Oh, and he had an affair with one of my closest friends
![Blox Fruits Dragon Rework Update [Full Stream]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EqDAp8udhm0/mqdefault.jpg)
As soon as we stop pleasing them we can see their true monstrous self.
Yes. I did about a year of greyrocking with my dad. He acted like he couldn't take care of himself. So I stopped stepping in and helping. He started talking care of himself. He just didn't want to do it if someone else would do it for him. Then when he got really abusive again, I walked away for good.
Yes that's what happened when I started getting the education on what I was enmeshed in
Absolutely 💯
Jekyll turns into Hyde. Or a wolf takes off sheep's clothing.
Want to see the true narcissist? Confront them on a behavior you do not like and don’t back down. That angry monster is the real person
You couldn't have said it better.... i am experiencing silent treatment(2 months and counting) because i confronted my fiance about his cold and insensitive attitude towards me while dealing with an ailment and grieving the loss of my uncle. I dont know if it's because he is unable to show empathy.
I can imagine how much you love this man. You called him your fiancé. I beg you to look at his behavior. You are not imagining things. He is cold, unresponsive, and uncaring. And this is still in the early stages of your relationship. As time goes by, he will only get worse. I’ve been in a marriage to a narcissist for 26 years(I didn’t know), it’s been full of nothing but pain, grief, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, and heartache. I’m now working towards a divorce. I just can’t take it anymore.
Please hold your truth with this man and ask yourself. Do you really want to be with somebody who cannot be compassionate towards this very very dark and lonely time in your life when you need compassion and love? He will never give it to you. He can’t he’s too broken inside to care about somebody else. Before you get married, seek out the assistance of a counselor to explore your childhood where you learned to not need anything from anybody to be loved. You were groom from a young age to love a narcissist. This is a life of nothing but hurt and emptiness, please work on yourself before you marry this man
I employ you to search your truths. How many times have you seen this behavior before in more subtle forms? Please read up on love bombing and Hoovering. Dr. Romani doesn’t excellent segments on these topics. I suspect that that’s what he has done to pull you close enough to him to get you to marry him.
Ultimately, you deserve better
@lindakosy
Same here... I'ts going on almost a year. He reached out to say happy bday but ignored my response. Loves to block me I know It's a form of punishment, but I stopped caring a long time ago, every narc I know acts this way when they feel exposed, told no, or feel disrespected.
@@lindakosyget out now while you can. Find someone that treats you right.
Run
The important thing here is 'they don't see you as anywhere equal'. It is so true and they go as far as making you feel wrong about your worth. They even go beyond and taunt/gloat to make you self blame. They truly must be hurting bad!
I don't care anymore
They all drank enough of my blood for rest of my life...
Somehow I started guessing from first a few moments "who they are "....
The narcissist's splitting causes the victim to split too. We hold good memories in a different place than the bad ones. This is such a complex issue, so thanks for making it accessible Dr R!
@@maggamoosie801 their splitting reinforces the cognitive dissonance. Of course they're not ALL bad ALL of the time, which is why it's so crazymaking!!
Wow, your're so correct! I never thought about that, holding the memories in different places.
IF a narcissist agrees to get help, with family going with them to the doctor appointments for behavior verification, etc. IS there anything that can change the narcissist’s behavior or have them understand how they are behaving and how difficult and wrong it is? Bottom line: can this personality disorder be treated like other mental health illnesses with therapy and/or medication?
Learn a out the last sign of a regular relationship breakdown by gottman.. it's when someone switches from assuming positive intent to assuming negative intent.. it's interesting
I always called this the Yo-Yo, I didn't know that there was a term for it. My mother would come at me & tell me to get out of the house, that everything bad in her life, & my family's life was because of me.
Then when I would stay away, she had my father beg me to come back. They would tell me how wonderful I was, & They would promise not to be cruel to me any more.
But, of course, when I returned, if something else ticked them off, they would come at me again. I was the innocent bystander & scapegoat, & now I understand the splitting. I was always obedient, did whatever they told me & got good grades.
Of course I ended up in narcissistic relationships, & saw the same patterns again, but I didn't understand them to be dangerous bc they were familiar.
& the malignant narcissistic spouse that I am divorcing, did the same splitting, sometimes in a matter of minutes. He would see me & give me a big smile & then decide that he hated me & his face would literally go grey & dark with intense hatred.
Thank you Dr Ramani for continuing to help me & everyone get through these very difficult experiences with by providing the insight & education & information so that we can understand what we are dealing with & take actions to protect ourselves. Our power is in the information.
"You're only measured by utility" ooooff it's so true! And now that I know how I'm viewed, it completely frees me of striving for any sort of relationship with my sister. It can be freeing if you can work through the grief of basically being used as a resource/supply vending machine.
Vending machine. Best description ever. I look for humor and laughs when I can. 😂
Yeah, that phrase really enlightened me as to why I always felt inadequate working for a narc boss I had. She ONLY valued people by their utility.
That knocked me out too
I observe that politicians and religious leaders engage in splitting
@@sugarpuddin Yes, but we don't know if that's part of the act they're putting on. You never quite know with politicians since they always have an agenda.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Outwardly, she was always boasting about me - that I had achievements, that I was so smart. But she never confirmed it to me. At home I was always a spoiled lazy person, sickly through my fault (because I don't listen). As if she was talking about two completely different people. Now I understand it. Thank you for a great - as always - lesson. PS. Sorry for my language, I don't speak English very well.
This gives me insight into a narc boss trait that got me worried sick for long at work. It's like smear campaign, but the opposite. He never praises me in person, only virtually and behind my back. Weird stuff. Thanks for sharing!
Don't apologise about your language, your English is perfect!
My ex used to love my cooking when we met and he'd tell me "Mmm, you're such a good cook; so creative: wow, i would never have thought these ingredients would work soo well together..."
Then it switched to "Oh my god, you expect me to eat this? Are you trying to poison me? Did tou pick this rotten food out of the bin? " He would then take the plate of food untouched and chuck it in the bin! Shouting while making himself something "Suitable" to eat. I was mortified.
Sounds like a real psycho.
Yes, and I just began making my own marinade. My son stopped in and tried and loved it.
Literally just had a review on why my spouse doesn't like my marinade before seeing your comment.
I think I will keep making it, 🤔 I like it.
I have never been able to duplicate a perfect meal twice for him.
@@well_weathered Perfection could be made but that is exactly why they denounce it and abuse you for it. Power, control, manipulation and depravity for their own toxic pleasure of abusing you. I bet your marinade is bloomin' gorgeous! What's the recipe? I love cooking, me like; more than eating haha.
Continued healing success everyone ❤️✨👊
@@well_weathered And you never will. Narcs make sure they are never pleased as a form of control. Keep making what you and your son love!
@@ApocalypseofMichael I marinaded steak with drizzling on Heinz Worchestershire, Egmont Manuka honey and Grandma's molasses, then rubbing in ground cloves. Then I sprinkle with Weber Montana Steak seasoning.
Share your own recipe here?
I'm trying really hard to get out of a narcissistic marriage, and it's killing my very soul. I've said over and over I want out, let me go, I don't love you ... he won't leave. I'm miserable, trapped and angry quite a bit. This is my life. I've listened to all the videos you've posted and I just cry. I am learning, I will say that.
Keep trying you are worth it. I'm still stuck, but taking baby steps to freedom. Oh to have just 30 minutes of solitude....
It's even more impossible with children. I'm in the same boat, just with two small ones and no family or other support system.
I'm so sorry. Why can't you just run away?
Honey until you don’t take the life in your hands no matter how hard it is you will go in circles over and over .
Just do it and heal your soul your brain your whole body will feel better ♥️
I had to do it next day after he me blocked in all devices social media and leaving me in the hospital almost dying after ectopic pregnancy surgery then i said enough left cold turkey.
Thank god 1 year with no contact the best thing ive done in my life
Have you talked to a lawyer?
~You are only measured by the utility you have to them~
I have been married to my narcissist husband for 30 years and didn't realize he was a narcissist until I saw one of your posts. My husband followed all the characteristics for a covert narcissist and the favorite was the silent treatment that lasted one time for 7 months!!
I now am in the middle of a divorce. I am looking forward to my new future life. I want to thank you for what you do. I have been listening to your book, It's not you" and I appreciate all of your insights. I know I am going to be alright. I have family and friends support but I feel like you were there to guide me through this process. Big Thank you!!
I was also finally freed from 30 years of marriage a year ago. I'm telling you the greatest joy is that I can breathe normally and live peacefully without worrying about Narc's mood swings. Don't look back, go for it. After the divorce, you may sometimes feel guilty. Then, look for Dr Ramni's episode about guilt. Her videos will help you go through your journey.
This is why I get suspicious of people who openly mistreat me and then are being oh so nice and friendly as if we've been the best of buddies and I have been a highly valued member of the team this entire time.
Great description!! One day you're the best, one mistake and you're the worst. I made the mistake of telling my narc ex that everything in life wasn't black and white. He responded with, "It is! That's the problem with you, you have too many shades of gray!" That comment really opened my eyes.
Wow. Mine said the exact same thing! They hate gray. It requires thought and reflecting on themselves. Pure krypton to a narc.
There is no such thing as too many shades of grey
Mercy is for them but no one else. There are billions of shades of grey for them but it is black and white for them.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- that's what I always thought of my dad. He could be so nice at times which was confusing. It took him getting to his worst as "Mr. Hyde" where I realized I couldn't handle it any longer for me to go no contact.
Took the words right out of my mouth for the family of origin.
Once you see it you can never unsee it.
The abusers in my foo, that is.
It's so frustrating that people around him don't understand his Hyde aspect. 😰
It's like a roller coaster ride you can never get off of. I would much rather he be one way or the other, but it could be good and then the rug gets pulled out from under me because I may have forgotten something or didn't make his food right. It's exhausting.
Please talk next about Narcissistic paranoia!! 🙏🙏🙏
Yes please
Oh, wow, this is exactly my husband. His good days~I’m so beautiful and he’s so in love. I say something he doesn’t agree with-‘I hate you’, I’m leaving when our son is 18’!
Wow.I have recently become observant in my narc relationship and I can see this clearly now with your explanation. Thank you Dr Ramani you have helped me understand this very hell like relationship that I now know what is happening. You have been a light through this very dark time.
The astonishing thing is that sometimes it's exactly the same trait (eg. having a good memory) which is viewed as good at times, bad at others.
Can relate to this…excellent memory, as scapegoat and truth teller it pisses them off but they have also benefited / sometimes but seldom praised it. Further, you raise a great point - good memory when your life has been trauma is a barbed hook of blessings curses etc. I love my mind but wish I couldn’t remember so well sometimes. ❤
@@hiloknowsall7462I feel like I could have wrote what you said myself!! We have no choice but to keep track yet at the same time we can’t help it that we have such excellent memory recall to the T..
When you go over everything - where you were sitting, where they were, what they wore or what you wore.. doen yo the T..
The rage, trying to veer you off track with their salad, words and deception and nastiness and mockery.. then they decide to be emotionally and mentally vengeful and cruel and then hang up in your face or walk away because they’re avoidance and don’t want to actually have to own app like a proper adult that they are.. it’s maddening at how stupid they think you are but if they ever need you for anything it goes on for them… you’re the best person in the world.. for that & then they just discard you all over again.. and you’re the subpar stupid human that they consulate tell you are or act to show you that they think you are because of what they feel inside about you.
My mother, father and brother are exactly the same same nasty beast. They are the ones that deserve to have the chronic illnesses as opposed to me.
Yes it is only a good trait when it benefits them personally (as a utility)
Infantile stage of development is an accurate estimate of an adult narcissist state of immaturity’s. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤
Gratitude and appreciation from Trinidad & Tobago
"I loved you a lot this morning, now not so much." He wrote that after I let him know I felt let down by something.
What a horrible thing he wrote. I relate to being dismissed, it truly sucks.
@@pallavidawson7933 🤗
How that's even a variable thing
OMG, I'm sorry, but that's hilarious!
It would be so much easier to spot narcissists if they would consistently act toxic all the time. They can turn their abusive behavior on and off at will, which proves that they know exactly what they’re doing. It’s carefully calculated.
Thank you! Its so confusing along with RAGE. ONE minute they're smiling, the next they're screaming at the top of their lungs. One minute he's making me dinner, the next he's telling me I don't know him and just being callous. Honestly it's been almost 2 months since I ghosted him and it's just been PEACEFUL. The trauma Bond be trying to get me but I think of moments such as splitting and the RAGE and I'm like no thanks. I don't miss confusion. 💛
This. Once you see it your world changes. At least mine did. I no longer try to make sense of it. DEEP has given me more tools. Thanks Dr Ramani ❤
Thats so true!! You can become very to good to very bad in just one minute in the narcissist's mind. They are extremely judgemental too. They see threat in people who are confident and composed and start calling them bad or arrogant.
So with a narcissist, never think that you are suddenly wonderful to them. Also, don't think that you're to blame when they scream at you in a rage. It is THEM not YOU!
It was a roller coaster with my mother yes. So very confusing. 👍
We love you in Canada 🇨🇦 ❤️
Oh my goodness, yes! I saw and experienced this in the X, and it always puzzled me -- assigning all good or all bad to someone, and watching him flip it on the same person depending on how he felt treated. Now I have a name for that, thank you.
How apt! Splitting also as in "you need to split away from them".
U have that if u have something the narcissist wants then u are the best. When u don't have anything they need u are nothing. That's my experience with narcissists. They're users & that's it! To them I say no & to hell with u!!!
Thanks a lot Dr Ramani
A Lifetime of being controlled by a narcissistic parent, ex spouse and sibling= a very confusing and difficult life. I am depleted of self worth. This too shall pass isn't working well. Dealing with the ex is going well. But my brother is on full blown attack and attempted to contact my adult Sons and their wives to tell them HIS side of the story. They listened....(need I say more). I feel like I was run over by a bulldozer. I'm not sure about this therapist I started to see the other day. I'm hoping I'm not too old to be redirected. Thank you for writing your book and sharing some of your story Dr. Ramani. Knowing that I have your book is a comfort in itself. 💜
You aren’t alone out there, it really isn’t you. If you don’t click with your counsellor find another one. You deserve that.
@@davidlangley4762 thank You
that sucks about your brother. It's not your fault.
I'm glad you're getting support. YOU aren't the one who needs to compromise or change, and I'm glad you're getting support to help you keep realizing that. Are you in Dr R's group? It's been a life changer for me.!
I thought I was imagining things. Couldn’t understand how I could be on top of the world then a 💩 in a heartbeat. Dr Ramani you saved my life. Been on this journey since 2019. Can’t wait to read your book. 🥰. Thank you!
Har. I love this, Dr Ramani is so right on. I have a story:
My Narky took me to Falls Terrace, we had a lovely dinner overlooking Tumwater Falls. Then, along with desert the waitress served me a small dish with a tiny wrapped package on it.
I said "oh, gifts? What a nice restaurant!" (honestly, I thought it was some kind of restaurant promo) and I opened it - it was a nice little gold ring, with some diamonds and a pretty blue topaz.
I looked at Narky in a panic. Oh sh*t, he put me on the spot. Thanks a lot, Ace.
The waitress was standing there watching, and all the other patrons were looking on and smiling.
I said, "oh, it's beautiful, thank you" and looked around at everyone and smiled. He put it on my finger, and the waitress asked "is this an engagement ring?" and before he could say anything I said "NO, it's just a friendship ring. I'm never getting married again."
It was a great evening for me.
I don't think it went the way HE wanted it to.
We had our final breakup ...gee, maybe just a couple of months after that.
Thanks for reminding me Dr R! I haven't enjoyed that memory in a long time!
Question. Can you talk about the difference between a true victim and how narcissists claim to be a victim? Thank you so much!!!! 👍❤❤❤
Being victimised/ A VICTIM is what happens when someone suffers at the hands of abusers / perpetrators of violence, emotional, sexual, economic abuse etc.
NARCS live in victim hood and faux victimisation to achieve certain goals. They play victim, they think others victimise them (projection) etc. they are profoundly different - being a survivor of victimisation and having been a real victim to horrendous things so many times - does not poison or create an identity in me of victim hood / playing the victim / using such things as a tool for manipulation / sympathy etc. survivor is what my identity/beliefs and values endorse these days. Hope this makes sense❤
@@hiloknowsall7462 Thank you, Agreed, but I am looking for even more clarity than that, for example, Sam Vaknin says that narcissists claim victimhood over external things, like their image and money and external objects they might have lost. Whereas true victims are trying to express their loss of internal things. Like losing time (decades) or a relationship, or loss of potential... It really struck me that Sam said the things real victims lose, can never be replaced. That made me pause and caused a lot of sadness in me... . whereas what narcissists lose can be replaced... I was hoping Dr. Ram could get in on this, what is her take... 👍
I go from great to absolute crap in less than 10 minutes, all I have to do is forget to fold a hand towel, or not put the dirty cloths in the basket CORRECTLY..... YEA there is a correct way to fold them and put in the basket.
Other phenomenons I wish you would make a video on and constantly see: 1. self-hoovering (especially with neglectful narcissists). One little positive or even neutral action (a normal message/ phone call) is interpreted by the non narcissistic partner as a positive more than it actually is.
2. Narcissistic Easter eggs (somewhat like a dog whistle, but with actions/ objects). Giving the kid a phone knowing the other parent wants a screen free time, and will be agitated.
Thank you! Coach Vera
TIL, narcissists split too. Somehow thought it was a bpd only thing but this checks out. Explains a lot.
I thought only BPD's split too
@@CrystalMarkland-hb1no It seems that Cluster B personalities in general share a lot of traits, and most differences between them are distinctions of frequency, varying circumstances, and patterns.
😮😮😮😮😮
And this video has just pointed out a major chunk of what I've been struggling with. And it's what I need to make peace with: defining someone by who they are or by their actions.
It's the most unhealthy, if you want the truth. 😔😔😔
How can I help a scapegoat in a narcissist family to help escape/see the truth?
@@Laurel-k8mI couldn't agree more! It's a tough spot, but modeling healthy behavior and having faith in the person is really the best you can do.
I love you! You are my right person at the right time Dr Ramani.
Thank you again and again.
The scariest part of splitting is never knowing when it was going to happen
The raging rant followed
So happy to be divorced and grateful that I don't have any Narrcissist's in my life
I now have my own loving tribe of people in my life
Thank you for supporting me to this stage in my life with your daily guidance ❤
*Thank u soooo much for your work.always helpful and informative.* ❤
OMG, you clarified my mother/daughter relationship for me. I knew she had tendencies of narcissism but the splitting hit the nail on the head. I'l leave it at that...I could write paragraph after paragraph of examples.
Thank you for being here. Splitting has become... a second nature to me.
I'm in a narcissistic relationship for more than a decade, growing 2 kids and trying for 8 years to convince my wife to see a therapist as a couple. Because of her denial, I started atomic therapy 2 years ago and stood well on my feet. In the last year, I found out what a narcissist is and connected all the dots. I'm healthy (always had to doubt myself and question everything), but not in a healthy relationship.
In the following weeks, we'll start seeing a therapist as a couple (she said yes). I hope this is the beginning of a journey of healing. I love her and want to see her free and happy from her childhood traumas. She's a wonderful person, having a bad childhood trauma that never got touched, always avoiding to deal with it. I hope she'll understand that this type of "attachment" is the way she got attached with our 2 daughters. Love is not a materialistic type of bonding, love is about giving without expecting to get back something in return.
If couples therapy fail (I'm expecting everything, even leaving therapy at the first sessions) I'll divorce and find the best possible way to raise our children with love and care. An example of daily oral abuse is not a role model for our children and will not be tolerated for ever...
One extreme to the other.OMG yes
The principal told me the exact same thing when I was a new elementary teacher. She told me not to take it seriously when the students loved me and not to take it seriously when they hated me because one day they're going to love you and the next they're going to hate you.
Excellent insight I can relate to this now many years outside of my narcissistic relationship. They are so crazy making!
Dr. R subtly flashing her erudition. Perfect subtle summary of M. Klein’s description of the paranoid-schizoid position. Brilliant.
So true, when the good sister is in the bad books, then the bad sister gets pushed up to the top. It's so weird
I realize my mom is a narcissist. She once told me not to study to become a Naturopathic Doctor and then when I graduated she would tell everybody it was because of her . Then when I got pregnant before Getting married i was the worse she called me horrible things and said it was my fault she was suffering. Then my grandpa told me the same thing I know realize they're both narcissist.
I'm now married to a narcissist I'm leaving the relationship but he's making it really hard. Especially because we have a 3 year old.
I had a narcissist boss like this. She would go off on how AWFUL someone around her was fairly often and just the vehemence was so over the top it would leave me wondering if someone had like tried to kill her cat or something. Turns out it was always some minor way in which someone disappointed her and it got to be scary to see. She usually saw people as literally good or evil, was super vindictive when people disappointed her, which I thought was comically weird for an adult woman.
This behavioral pattern called splitting overlaps with Borderline Personality Disorder.
When it is your Sister, that you live with. No other Family. It becomes torture as they get older. I don't have the means to live alone. Very sad, the older we get, the sadder it becomes.
Men get mean.
I'm in the same situation as you! Constantly being gaslit by her and having to cope by myself
Very mind-boggling, too. Thanks, Dr. Ramani. 🙏💝
When my daughter was in her teens she would make me these glowing, loving cards going on and on about how I take care of her, etc but she treated me horrible. It was so weird at the time but now I see that it was splitting; now she's just horrible toward me.
yeah one day I went from a good friend to an actual demon. I was not just bad I was evil, all my motivations were evil and everything I did was to get him. never changed
This is so helpful, for understanding others and also me.
Thank you.
Dr. Ramani, thank you. Hope you have a happy day. Take care.
💯 One day he was SOOO in love with me, the next "You're not a good person! You're horrible!" 🤦♀️ At least now I know the term for it... Makes sense! Thank you!
Interesting how the type of splitting is a bit different in BPD vs NPD.
The restaurant example made me think, this how the Bachelor franchise gets people (usually with some degree of narcissism) to feel like they’ve fallen in love with the person of their dreams on just a few spectacular dates.
I am the savior on the inhale, and the villain on the exhale in the same breath! I think they resent everyone most of the time... they just throw out a few nice things or comments to keep you on the line if they happen to feel good!
I always thought splitting was exclusive to BPD. Very illuminating.
My sister definitely does this. I didn’t know what it was. When I had my firstborn and was correcting him, she called me a child abuser and the mother in the book called, “It”. Then years down the line, she felt that I wasn’t correcting one of my kids harsh enough and she then told me that I was spoiling my kids so much that they were going to turn into serial killers.
I feel like I'm entering a new stage of life in which I might finally have healthy relationships thanks to my new understanding of narcissism. I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic family and trained to think I was the problem. I attracted narcissists like flies to honey and pretty much every relationship I've had has been me thinking the other person was perfect and they know everything, while I was trying to live up to their expectations that I be perfect because of how much they reminded me what a flawed person I am. I've now realized I have to retrain myself to stop seeing others as perfect people who know everything and accept them as flawed human beings, and I also have to retrain myself to stop acting like I'm this terribly flawed person who needs to constantly apologize for it and turn myself inside out trying to be perfect. It's like in looking for healthier relationships, I have this expectation that the other person will be a healthy person and I have to be too, but I'm having to acknowledge that isn't what healthy relationship means. What it means is both of us understanding that neither is perfect and accepting that about each other and ourselves.
THANK YOU...THANK YOU ...THANK YOU..❤❤❤
The unpredictability of all this has made it so incredibly hard to teust anyone and I'm always anxious around people. Constantly split by proxy, self-doubt by default. Still trying to wade through cognitive dissonance. But learning it's not me 💕
Yep, just a few days ago (hopefully the last time I see my mom closer than 500 feet), she kept telling me to do things in and out the apartment while a kitten kept coming in and out with her saying "no the cat didn't walk in"
Thank you this! This is happening to me but I guess from this info and experience I understand clinically even more…
Thank you for this. I try to understand from a developmental standpoint why people act this way. And also how I might act from an early developmental stage I’m stuck at that allows me to sort of be a puzzle piece that fits the narcissistic family structure. Interesting that I can see myself treating others as if I need to please them. Even if it means they might look like the emperor with no clothes or if they ask me to do things that I know will lead to a problem. As a child my dad got angry at me for trying to protect my cats from getting run over. One day I remember watching him back over my cat before I could say anything. I also notice now, that I am very permissive with kids as if they need to get everything they wish for or I’m not being a good example. I’m glad I don’t have kids. I’m even like that with my pets although I think a lot of people spoil pets lol. I learn these boundaries by interacting with them almost as a parent. Sometimes I do yell and they don’t like me and sometimes I’m all that and a bag of chips because I give them nice things.
One other example in a reverse kind of way. I watch certain RUclips creators and RUclips algorithms send me content based on my emotional state so they grab my attention. In some cases I feel like I’m in a narcissistic relationship. Except it’s the RUclips version of a creator I interact with. I’m trying to act in such a way as to fit the expectations or guidance of the creator. But really I’m getting gaslit by RUclips algorithms. I’m a way RUclips has discovered I’ve been in a narcissistic family of origin and the algorithm knows just how to keep my attention with bread crumbs, gaslighting, shame etc. it’s really kind of creepy. So I’m going direct to websites or live programs with teachers rather than watching RUclips or Facebook content in these situations. So in relation to your video, the algorithm is the infant child that can’t grow up. It’s kind of like interacting with my parents or siblings when I was a child myself. Hopefully that makes some sense. Btw RUclips is sending me tons of your content now lol.
Yeeeeessss omg and i felt that I LOVE YOU soo deep and as soon i started to talk about plans and future changes he will turn off his excitement and we end up finding on the way home
And this is a kind of reverse/ different projection to "themselves" and that is why they must have an "ideal image" (the truth does not matter), because only the perfect one can be "loved/appreciated/accepted". What is the reason? Paradoxical- they want to be accepted and loved.
And reverse feedback back to people.
That's all I came up with today :D
Which means that narcissism comes from Darwin's theory (indirectly)
In the socialization process, they received "dependent love" (it is not love) from their parents, which means acceptance when they were perfect, but (that) children are not perfect at all (they learn from mistakes / experience / getting to know the world, because they have not yet developed abstract thinking*) , so- thirsty for love/ acceptance (to survive - Darwin; recognition by the herd) they learn to lie/ manipulate, which means create an image.
*It develops around the age of 13 and then they can predict/ plan and think abstractly.
Look Duc!
This explains everything:
- the baby will die after birth if it is not touched by its mother (and a narcissistic mother touches it "conditionally" when it "does not cause problems"; is polite)
- it cannot survive on its own without a family/ herd (a narcissistic mother is disgusted by "poop", but also by dirty animals)
- etc. etc. (I will not write truisms ;)
It's not about love/acceptance, but about fighting for life from birth!
But it's getting interesting...
BECAUSE WE created narcissism!
There was a change from "sociological polis" (adaptation of the concept of "polis" from the philosophy of law) to "ideal/ career/ money/ etc."
Social media has reinforced this the most (feedback already in children), which means... it will get worse...
And now - fanfare🥳 - Dale Carnegie started it (!!!), but it was a "seed".
So the main reason is the "pride of society" (rejection of God and putting oneself on a pedestal, which is what Carnegie overinterpreted when he referred to Emerson's philosophy, which means it comes from the USA :D)
BUT...Houston! We have a problem!!!
If narcissists are the highest in the hierarchy and there is a cult of money/ power /career "sociological polis", it means that (according to Darwin's theory) they are... the best adapted as individuals (and even more so when the "importance of the family" is devalued).
HA! I'm a f∪cking genius- I found the cause of narcissism 🤠🥳💪
Which line for the Nobel Prize in psychology? 😚😋🤷
Flowers, congratulations, visits to workplaces...😆😉
In the first days he treat me as an angel and just 3 months later, he said to me i hate you and insult me and even betray me with no reason. Iam still in shock
My ex always described himself as having black and white thinking! He would say I either love you or hate you Lucy.
6:09 this makes sense now!
Can you talk about the splitting of children who grow up with narc parents and view everyone as their parents
YES YES YES
Very interesting topic, thank you Dr. Ramani!
Once I was an amazing husband and father, now she's made false allegations and trying to put me in prison and has abducted my child. There are no words to explain how a narc can be so callus and cold and cause so much trauma to their own child and be willing to perjure themselves in court and lie to police and solicitors because they now want to discard you. There is no right or wrong, empathy, understanding or moral compass, just what they want and will say or do anything in order to get it and avert attention from their bad deeds.
I used to have a housemate like this. She was weirdly obsessed with me for the first 2 months (I should’ve known that was a red flag, but we had been friends for a long time before becoming housemates), and then she turned on me and went full blown psycho. People don’t understand how traumatizing it is to live in that kind of unsafe situation unless they experience it themselves.
I experienced this, yes. He insulted me because their was lipstick on a glass.
Narcissists do in fact live in a strictly BINARY world with not many gray areas. When the Narcissists see the world through the keyhole of 'utility' and 'non-utility' (to THEM of course) they also then react very STRONGLY to the slightest degree of difference of opinion and even personalize it to mean that 'you hate them' just because you choose to have a different viewpoint / perspective of things in Life. This REACTION is actually them saying silently, without openly utterly the words 'How dare you think differently than me' because inside their head they believe that a conflict MUST mean that only one person is right and somebody else is definitely 'wrong' and that somebody obviously cannot be them. Not a chance in the Universe.
True, our son split all the time on his dad (husband). Everything would be perfect and then out of the blue he’d get a letter of phone call that was just so awful and make anyone crumble. It was nuts the delusional ideas that he would accuse him of or go off on his personality that he does not actually have but my son did have-projection!
I'm so glad there's a video on this. I was trying to figure out if narcs do this or just borderlines. It flips so quickly too. I experience this with 2 statements at the opposite ends of a spectrum. One statement is positive and one is negative. And I'd always ask "which is it?". I always had my step-dad tell me as a kid that his childhood was perfect and his parents loved him the most and then he'd go out of his way to hurt me and say "see now you can understand what I had to go thru. Nobody cared about me". What did you go thru if your childhood was perfect? Like which is it? And then as a truth teller/scapegoat I would point out that those 2 statements don't match. Shouldn't have said that😂. Made it worse for myself.
Thank you Universe.
Im so over my relationship. Im not getting anything from it. I even told him i would rather live under a bridge with someobe who actually loves and values me than live with a cold, narcissisic, abusive monster
I wonder if, for some, more conscious, narcissists, it is simply control and positive/negative reinforcement, to keep you reigned in.
Hi Dr Ramani here's an idea for not so serious video: how would it be for narcissist to be last human and to know it? Just thought it could be interesting. Thank you so much for your extremely helpful work!
Is Splitting the reason why narcissists use words like always and never a lot? It seems like they want something to be either good or bad, with no gray area, no middle ground.
The only good thing to come from my narcissitic relationship is that i will never fall in love with another one. I know the signs, i know when my intuition is right. That is the silver lining in the hell ive endured for over a year
Splitting, I thought, was taking what someone said and arguing or twisting it. Covert narcissists I know do this regularly, and I think they get turned on with the argument that ensues. It seems to be a "crazy-making" strategy to unbalance the conversation or take others hostage.
Thank you very much, doctor
Thanks! 😊
The narc uses vulnerability to split. "You know what he said about you?" It is scary how they use damaging labels so freely to split. There is so much shaming that gets projected when you have normal feelings about situations. Don't go deep with a narc is so important.
With my narc sister it was more of the version of me that was bad/horrible and then the ok/boring/mild/ version of me that was good enough to be exploited by her...I was never "good/amazing" to her...she was totally unable to complement/thank me or acknowledging that I have done something good for her (whether it's a present, invitation to a nice place, paying for her tuition, supporting her emotionally). This was very confusing for me, as I tried so hard to please her and I had to constantly "prove" myself but never got recognition or gratitude for anything I've done, on the contrary, she was always belittling what I gave her and devaluating it but was happy to continue to receive whatever she could get out of me.
Slitting is when the narcissist changes personalities.
My ex husband absolutely loved showing off my talents sometimes even ,making out they were is own, but when I was sick or feeling low, he was really nasty. This included things like leaving me alone when I was in labour and being super horrid when I had post natal depression. I lasted 28 years only because of the good times in between and because I did not have the confidence to go it alone. Eventually as he aged it got so bad I had to leave for my own health.. Oh, and he had an affair with one of my closest friends
Can you talk about when a grown up adult who is not narcissistic but is splitting and/or keeps running back to the narcissistic parents?
Possible BPD? That causes splitting too.