Narcs want you to have no boundaries. The moment you have a boundary they complain you are 'intense'. The moment you call them out you are 'intense'. They want you to pull back.
@@l.5832 ABSOLUTELY! When you have no boundaries you are funding their lives! I fed the kids in the family for YEARS! They had new cars, boat motors that cost more than my CAR! His wife was only allowed to spend $50 a week on groceries. But that was not a problem as I kept the kids fed.. when I asked them to call the kids home at dinner time… this was over 10 yrs of feeding them all the time, they told the whole family I was selfish and mean to their kids. It took me years (in my 60’s) to realize they were just using me. I walked away. They stole my inheritance but my peace was worth every penny! Watch the people you “love”! If they are fine until you try and set a boundary… you got your answer! You become “too sensitive “ too much… 😂
"Too critical", " too argumentative", "too dramatic", etc... Pretty much, if someone is bold enough to put-you-down, then Narcissist they probably are. Granted there might be some occasions where it is appropriate but largely it a put-down
Right? And how dare you so much as like a different pair of shoes? Without them having said which ones they like, they'll get extremely offended that you're drawn to a different pair in a store and get downright nasty about it, & then about everything else you've ever done or thought or liked. "You hate things just bc I like them!" But you haven't put down anything & don't even know which pair they like. Liking something or having any opinion on anything at all, yep, unleashed a flood of venomous resentment & off the wall accusations... unless a salesperson is listening bc then it's all grace & charm. I dreaded going to stores with my mom as a kid & she kept trying to get me to go as a young adult, bc she liked it & she thought if she bought me something it bought her the right to get intensely abusive for quite some time afterwards. I'm certain she would have played martyr to her peers as if I couldn't have bought it for myself, afterwards. It wouldn't have been a gift, but a little act of war. & She'd be baffled when I didn't want the help & try to think of something else that might lure me into accepting that weird nasty scenario. So then she'd want to take me to a restaurant & thought I wouldn't stand up to her in one. I went a couple of times & ended up walking out, & paying for my own meal as I left. I told the server too. "She's being abusive, I need to go, this will cover my meal & the tip." It took me twice to learn she wouldn't learn. It grossed me out to think of her paying for mine bc it felt like she was trying to buy my soul. & I suspected she'd leave a short tip. I kind of hope the servers both kept mine as a larger tip & made her pay the whole check. There should be a fine for emotional abuse. 😂😂😂
Gaslighting 101 Class for Narcs: "Find the calmest, kindest, most empathetic person and push and poke again and again until you get a reaction, then label her as intense, rageful, crazy and unhinged. Instead of leaving, she'll try to be even "better", do more, and react less. Repeat over and over until she erases herself as a person and you're the center of her life. If possible, film her reaction and post it on social media, or trigger her in front of a therapist so she doubts herself even more. It will multiply the effect tenfold."
So spot on…. The worst of it is when you feel defeated by being misunderstood by an outsider. A two edged sword. When someone really sees what you are going through , it’s a healing grace.
Oh yes! And most outsiders do not want to acknowledge their evil friend. You could show them proof or they could even be present for the meltdowns and rages to you and they will knowingly explain it away and ask you to be MORE patient and MORE understanding. And they get to drive off and go back to their stable environments. Talk about invalidating flying monkeys. 🐒. THE WORST EVER!
Sensitivity, intelligence, empathy, and creativity ~these are all intense gifts, but I would rather have them than live my life without them. Narcissists are so *boring* -especially when they're trying to be "interesting"
I always get called intense’s cousin serious. It’s gaslight/code/guilt for I’m too close to the truth and won’t just go along with the delusion/fantasy/lie or I’m enforcing a boundary and won’t budge. ETA: “You think too much” is also a distant relative.
This video really sheds light on a common tactic narcissists use to deflect accountability. Labeling someone as "intense" is often a way to dismiss their valid emotions or reactions. Thank you for breaking this down so clearly-it’s empowering to understand these dynamics!
Intense is narc speak for crazy because of my intentional crazy making behavior & there’s a near term for that called gaslighting… they even made a movie about it & I took notes 😉 gotcha again!
As a child, I was called "the actress," and my outbursts were "Academy Award worthy." it was simply the way my family invalidated and dismissed my feelings.
Don't be afraid, and don't engage, period. Do know, it's not you. ❤ Accept the blessing wrapped in grief. In time, grief will lighten because the blessing is coming through.
I always had to leave the Narcisists! Every one of them threatened to kill me! Mom, HS bf, ex husband, recent bf! They labled me as being 'too nice', but threaten to kill me/have me killed. As far as the men went, it felt like the 'if I can't have you, then nobody can'. Terrifying! I don't trust my attraction. I am done being mentally, physically and emotionally beaten by others. I'll just keep to myself (so hard when i am people pleaser extrodinaire😢). I finally realized that is why I am their target.
Yes, once they trigger you to the point of you loosing your temper, it's over. Leave and never go back. Don't apologize. Don't cave in and call when you miss them. Keep walking
A family member once responded to information about my upbringing by saying, "Wow, you have a lot of anger." I thought to myself, This isn't anger; this is my reality. How much more gaslighting can you do?
Thank you for this comment. I have only begun to share some of my experiences with extended family members and despite trying to relate my experiences in a matter of fact way, I still get the "you're angry" comment. Yes, this is gaslighting!
Anger is a legitimate reaction to some situations. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. If it is destructive then it’s counter productive but if it fulfills its intended evolutionary purpose it can be harnessed and turned towards constructive ends. It’s all about what you do with it that counts.
Abused people are human. They get tired and exhausted from constantly being badgered by narcissists. People are not robots. Narcissists will accuse you of having a temper when they are the ones with the short fuse. Narcissists and enablers have a resistance to accountability when they resist facts, truth and reality. I will continue to resist their bs.
My mother used to start fights with me when I was a child, she would immediate claim to be a victim where I was punished and isolated while she discussed my behaviour with other family members, consistantly omitting the part where she started the fight and removing my right to state my side of it as 'you can;t trust him, he'll lie to get out of anything, he's done it to me'. Reflecting on this behaviour playing out, it was twofold, first, it kept me isolated and more vulnerable and second, people often gave her sympathy for having to deal with such a difficult child, though the most insane relavation to me with that individuals with narcissistic traits think that they are doing nothing wrong in those situations.
I completely relate. My 87 yr old Mother plays the same game, claiming I've been a difficult child. She is a sadist who enjoys making me cry, She is someone consumed by envy. These are dangerous people who happened to have given birth. Never feel guilty for protecting yourself.❤
If you're a truth teller and see through their BS, they'll do anything to try to shut you up. You're not "allowed" to have standards for other people's behavior, but they will have all kinds of rules you should follow so that they don't have to look at themselves. They're rather immature people who only skate on the surface of life.
This intense calling is very familiar. When I reacted to the evil manufactured by the narcissist I got blamed for overreacting. But now I know the truth and I now know myself. Thank you Doc.
Reminds me when I was a kid and I got bullied a lot and nobody said anything to the teachern. When they did somebody Told me to get over myself. Now I see its the fault of the parents letting it happen Because my pain amused them
Reinforcing boundaries is an intense situation. They have to make you feel guilty to try and get what they want. If you're being called this, extremely intense, you're doing right by you.
Damn right I am, after having to deal with him for 18 years, & his ashes are sitting in the corner. And I just turned 60-and no one is allowed to treat me like THAT ever again. ❤
I grew up in a household where “reactions” were not allowed! I was too sensitive… too much…ect! I know you had to know what all this was in order to say all you do! Thank you Dr R!
Same. You had to shut up, suck it up, and take whatever they did or said to you. ANY reaction was punished. Even happiness. But especially anger, sadness, crying...any emotions or reactions that weren't the narcissist' were beaten out of you.
As the former scapegoat in a highly abusive narcissist family, I went on to invite narcissistic friends & girlfriends into my life. I have been called "intense" many times during my life (and probably was at times), but now that I have been removing narcissists from my life, I am much more calm & no longer told that I am intense! Thanks for the great video, Dr Ramani.
@@jonathanuniverse9302 So interesting! I always chose narks as friends. Their way or else. I was so agreeable because it really didn’t matter to me how or where we ate or went. BUT … when something did matter… ya know… like her daughter being paid to paint for me but she wants her to go to a street fair with her while all my furniture is in the middle of the house… I just walk away from them. Anyone who can do u like that is not your friend!
Intense, dramatic, over reacting, too much, selfish, angry, etc etc etc. I've been called it all and you nailed the over regulated, highly empathic and preople pleasing with a rare occasional "outburst" of what I now see was still very controlled and considerate version of self advocacy in the face of tears of mistreatment and just needing a little bit of consideration and reciprocity in my direction. The worst is the helpers (counselors, therapists, pastors, attorneys, mediators, etc) seeing THEIR behavior as just reacting to your self advocating, as opposed to the other way around. Thank you again for highlighting these very important nuances of navigating attempts to heal.
‘Controlled and considered self advocacy’ is a perfect way to put what I tried to do - but it was still labelled as compulsive arguing, overreaction and anger.
I think as we grow up we start to realize some emotions are okay, including anger, and we aren't crazy or dramatic for having it. Theres a place for it.
It's the anger, &/or fear, distress, etc that tells us to get away from someone. It's a gift from nature to motivate us not to tolerate the intolerable. & It'll grow if we don't listen to it the first time, bc nature itself wants us to break free & be somewhere there's harmony.
Right, there’s definitely a place for it. The only time it’s a problem is when we’re not allowed to express our other emotions and that one takes over all the time.
I call it "raw." We've been nicked by the knife so many times, that it doesn't take much to send us over the edge. That is what people see, and not the continous knife sticks.
Excellent point-- and it is hard to know who we can trust when people can't see the whole story or our perspective. Such an isolating experience especially when growing up with multiple narcississtically inclined folks and extended family in one overall family. Our response may get them to feel justified and double down on control, gaslighting, lies and manipulation. Getting away is the most effective solution but their tentacles are so long...
I’ve been trying to explain this to my mother about my narcissistic brother. I have absolutely no threshold for his abuse anymore, regardless of how subtle or “minimal” his acts of abuse may seem to outsiders. When he starts in on me, I’m reacting from a place of decades worth of unresolved anger and resentment.
It took me a second to realize this wasn't my story you were talking about. Absolutely spot on Dr. Ramani. The lack of understanding of narcissistic abuse from well-meaning, but uneducated therapists in this realm is so disheartening and damaging to survivors. Keep doing your work you wonderful soul, you are making a difference. I hope you are safe and well from these fires. Please keep us posted. Thank you again for your wisdom.
They all use the same techniques! It's like there's a script somewhere they've all found & followed. Oddly, bc they don't cooperate with anything else! 😂
@@WildWoodsGirl65 yes!!!! Ironically, I had so much shame growing up because my mother is dark tetrad and I truly believed she was her own special type of sick and there was no one else out there like her. It was shocking to me to learn that this was not true.
Yes! This! This is me. I try so hard to remain calm and balanced and unreactionary to people and then when they go too far and I call them out on it I'm seen as the one with the "problem". I am so over it. Can't I too just voice my opinion? Can't I also have feelings? I am so done with these egocentric people.
My maternal narcissist feels I need to emotionally regulate because I am not completely placid when she abuses me. There is always something they can use to manipulate you.
I was super silenced and controlled when I was younger.. I did healing work and found my voice, and would react when pushed way beyond healthy limits, and so was shamed and blamed for being angry, or called crazy or ‘difficult’ for standing up for myself. They treat me like crap then get mad at me for getting angry even if it’s controlled healthy anger. I now can see how much they project their issues on me and gaslit my valid feelings. I am not the negative things they say about me. I will not sacrifice my health for them. I just want to run away. They don’t take accountability nor seek help for their issues and it’s not my problem. Focusing on my life. ❤ Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤
Even if you go to the other extreme of being too perfectionist. They will laugh at you for being too extreme. Again, bully tactics. Boundaries are for you.
I was called snappish by the N in my life. I’ve not talked to them since November. Keeping my distance helps me heal after finding a therapist who sees me for me. Thank you for your videos to see I’m not alone.
I don't think that either one of my parents were full clinical narcissists. But I still experienced it. It was like they switched back and forth between the two of them. Sometimes it was both. It looks to me like they both had heavy narcissism in their upbringings. So the dynamics and many (not all) of narcissit behaviors were often pointed at me. My mother realized a lot before she died at 92. She was deep in thought. She wanted to talk with me. She said "you are a very different person than who I thought you are". "I never really knew you ". And so at the very end of her life. I finally had a real relationship with my own mother. My family is gone now. But my mother at least and finally to a point, understood many things. In some ways my parents worked very hard and deserve recognition. In other ways my life was a nightmare. So be it. I don't need anyone else's justification. In some ways I become a little tougher than normal. But I do grieve many lost things, and parts of life that I simply didn't understand and didn't reach for . Or I didn't reach for them with others who were actually capable. Many of us grow, and I hope I do till my last breath and beyond .
Yes, ive heard that, along with "youre SO dramatic. Its the fact that my light and my vibration irritates their lack of. Took me til my 50s to realize this.
Our compassion. Our good qualities. People might think it's impossible, parents envious of siblings bonding? In my family, the two narcissists are very big haters of that. Causing drama, hoping to break off my relationship with my brother after isolating my sister. The irony is, they never liked my brother either.
Yesterday you posted a video on Adult child narcissists and today you have a video about intense. My life experience runs parallel to both videos. Learning about narcissism has helped so much. Getting into therapy has been difficult because the therapists I have seen, don't get the narcissistic abuse victims experience. I was given a diagnosis of BPD and I can't go there as using the tools and knowledge I have learned since learning about narcissism has helped me regain a sense of self. That sense of self gets knocked down by the narcissists and I get tired. Still, now, I get back up and don't abandon who I am. I can see a therapist saying I am in denial about BPD or even NPD. I say NPD because there are some who call me a narcissist as I am beginning to speak out about the abuse and regain my power. I was quiet, I suppose any speaking out would cause them to say I was intense. Actually my intensity has other sources and not many have even bothered to talk to me about anything. It is easier to judge the surface layers. Yes, self compassion is vital. It helps when I am in a down time that stems from repeat abuse attacks. The good thing is that I have never crossed the line into losing my sense of self as I had done before knowing about narcissism. I have the tools now. When I get a reprieve, I can experience Joy and life. It is what it is for now.
I had one of those moment yesterday and this video hit home, Dr. Ramani. After a series of unfair treatment and dumping work on me; the iceberg; I finally lost it over something relatively small; the ice cube. You told my story. Thank you
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes baire_persons, I have a similar experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and mushrooms have significantly contributed to my recovery and being clean today.
I wish those were more easily accessible where I live. Microdosing was my next step for my husband. He's 59 & dealing with lots of mental health challenges, possible CTE & a TBI that put him in a coma for 8 days. Unfortunately, I had to get a TPO since he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and showing violent behavior, constantly talking about harming others. He's aggressive. To anyone reading this, if you're familiar with BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?
I relate strongly to Elsa from Frozen who was forced by my parents to hide all her feelings. That she should be ashamed of her gifts and hide away who she really was. ❄️❄️❄️
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for your sharing all your years of knowledge, and expertise w/the rest of us, that need to hear you, and learn from you. I’m praying that God always protects you, and your loved ones, and I’m thankful that the LA fires have not touched you, or your loved ones🙏❣️
Thank you for this program! You literally saved my life! I am taking my story to a MN senator. I kept all of my records and am speaking about how difficult it is to escape a narcissist and how the system is failing women. Ho because of my husband’s position he got away with almost killing mee
You have summed up what took me 30 years to fully realize. Neither of my parents had any boundaries with me at all. I am finally healing and going no contact.
Dr. Ramani, I don't know how you do it. The work you've done on this disorder must be incredibly draining. It feels like we’re surrounded by people like this; they seem to be everywhere, and it’s utterly exhausting. The amount of energy they put into creating chaos is astonishing. Sometimes, I reach a point where I shut down and tune everything out, but you have the resilience to keep going. Your insights and the information you share are invaluable, and they’ve been such a tremendous help. Thank you for all that you do.
My ex husband called me "extra." I had never heard that term before and asked him what it meant. So any time I expressed a legitimate emotion, stood up for myself, or said no, I was labeled "extra" by a manbaby who did nothing. Go figure. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.
I got called “brutally honest” in an insulting way by the narc, many times. It was always after I called them out on their behavior. But their behavior wasn’t the problem, my reaction to firmly stating my boundaries was. It was crazy making.
Yep. Me too. After my narcissistic father was constantly presuming to come and visit me and stay with me and my partner after mum died ( I had moved interstate and stayed physically distant form the family home since I was 18, and kept the relationship at as safe a distance as possible via phone ) when I visited him to set a boundary, to communicate calmly, carefully that I get uncomfortable when he talks about his plans to visit and stay ( he has never been invited to btw ) he said " Oh...well thanks for letting me know. ". Then later sent an email to his neice, my cousin, who is the only blood relative I really share anything of myself with and trust and said to her that I am 'not a happy camper , with such a negative attitude to life. ' Then ' I know she suffers a lot, poor thing. '. That is the smear campaign you get for having a boundary. Like how dare I? It's a no win. Hopefully my cousin knows me well enough to recognise me for who I am. At the very least I expect we might outlive him. The truth doesn't always come out or prevail. And anyway, people don't always want or respect it, but when they call you mean things for the purposes of making their insecurity feel attended to by somebody else you know you just said something true. That's all it takes, simply state some facts.
Wow! This is eerily familiar. Except my narcissistic parent wasn’t the “hero” in the family, but instead in church and the community for charity work. Thank you doc for clarifying things for me and others. The “angry” person is exactly how I’m described. I know better now because of you. Thanks for all you do.
This vid is so *resonant* with my own experience. So grateful for the thorough validation. I watch every vid, every day. Feel so fortunate to have you, Dr. Ramani, as a virtual FOUNTAIN of information and wisdom. 🙏
I have no doubt about the push back you are getting. I worked in academia for 25 years and it is a breeding ground for narcissists. I was amazed at what people got away with. I was at the copier one day when the head of another department came and said "I had a dream last night that I shot Ann (a member of his department and a friend of mine) with a 357 magnum". To say I was shocked cannot describe my reaction. I was concerned and reported it to the assistant dean. His response? "Thanks now you have made it my problem."
My covert narc told me that I “made his blood boil.” lol Looking back I realize now it was because I was just defending myself (setting boundaries, before I had any) and he did NOT like THAT.
This video was a bit of a eureka moment for me. Called intense (or 'dramatic') throughout childhood by family and even more so as a traumatized adult scapegoat. Also called intense by various domineering, abusive partners. Always felt so bad about it. Now my adult kids are doing it. I do have emotional reactivity problems due to childhood trauma but then so do a lot of the folk labelling me as intense...
I have been called intense. To relate to Dr Ramani here. What's a person to do with all this energy? My feeling about people who have been called the same thing is: just keep learning. Keep on keeping on. It takes therapy and it takes SEEING. "Know Thyself" -- unknown ancient Greek philosopher I LIKE that: don't let this "intense" label seep into one's identity.
Thank you for another beautiful and reassuring video, Dr. Ramani. You've provided valuable insights into how early experiences can contribute to emotional intensity, a sense of being unsafe, and compensatory behaviors like kindness and overregulation. I’d like to add that there’s often a dialogue between nature and nurture. Some people naturally have more 'intense' (faster) brains, potentially due to higher-than-average glutamatergic activity. This inherent intensity can make them primary targets for narcissists within their families, social circles, or professional environments, as their presence may threaten a narcissist's sense of superiority and control. When they push back, narcissists can feel cornered and resort to intimidation tactics, such as stalking behaviors or involving "flying monkeys" to surveil and harass-actions that can understandably compromise one's sense of safety. It’s important to recognize that these gestures are typically designed to provoke an emotional reaction and discredit the target. Outside of domestic contexts, they rarely escalate to actual physical violence. I truly appreciate your closing message about embracing one's intensity. Ultimately, this intensity is a profound gift-one that narcissists seek to destroy precisely because it has the power to bring them to their knees and liberate their victims. Your work powerfully demonstrates how this strength can be a force for healing and empowerment.
(I personally seem to have a unique situation in which there might be two broad categories of people who potentially, possibly, perhaps, 'surveil' me at times: [1] one for entertainment, inspiration, and potential 'Anne and Gilbert' purposes {which I accept}; and [2] another for intimidation, silencing, and 'theft of IP' purposes {which, naturally, I don't accept!}. Sometimes, it's difficult for me to determine which is which. Apologies if this sounds and/or is crazy. [I'm using hierarchical brackets, Oxford colons, British spellings, and unnecessary commas, in an effort to seem more sane; however, in doing so, I might be cultivating precisely the opposite perception...)
(One final reply to myself here, sorry. I meant to also respond to your insightful 'icecube versus iceberg' and 'anger beneath the surface' comments. While I'm potentially just rationalising my own narcissism here, I've found in my travels that: [1] the devil is in the details, or for narcissists the deviler devil is in the details; and [2] narcissists respect and are less likely to bully fellow narcissists. Therefore, in dealing with them, I've been deliberately - or so I claim - hanging on to details like a dog with a bone, and ending by emulating their own style of explosive anger. A risk to be mitigated here is adapting to narcissism by becoming a narcissist oneself. Any advice to that end would be appreciated.)
Wow. This is enlightening! I was told I was bad tempered and angry but therapist said I was ignored and it was my way of trying to be heard Then a narc bf would say I was too much when I stood up for myself. He would provoke me and purposely antagonise me, even blaming me when I asked him to come down for dinner. Wow. I can see things so differently now. I can be assertive but it’s so eye opening to unwrap it. I am kind and have been told so by so many. I can now reconcile myself to it all. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Excellent! I have experienced being called this by my narcissist mother and narcissistic EX of 18 years. Not a single friend of mine who truly knows me would call me “angry”. Yes, my soul was “angry” in the way I was being treated but I NEVER believed it or BOUGHT INTO because…a direct quote from EX…”you love yourself too much” “you can’t be controlled”… Thank you for helping me understand and playing a direct role in my choice to NOT GO back to this person as he tried all the tricks AFTER he “filed” and then stalked me! I chose myself and that meant a “heartbreak” beyond what words could possibly say… Very happy in my peaceful mind and space. I also realized that I was grieving a “fantasy”. Completely over it (took about 2 years) 🙏💓🙏💓🙏💓
I'd like to throw in here, that there's nothing wrong with intensity! I'm an artist, a performer, and I'm autistic, and I tend to have big feelings and big reactions, to all kinds of situations. The "intensity" in my nature has harmed people I love in the past, and was constantly used against me in my various narcissistic relationships. Very early in my life, I did come to think of it as a bad thing, something about myself that desperately needed fixing. I'm undoing that conditioning now, with the help of a really good trauma-informed, narcissism-savvy therapist. Now, I LIKE my intensity! I work hard not to hurt myself and others with it, but intensity itself is not harmful. Just sayin' ✨
And narcissists also love to target neurodivergent people. I am one. I'm a child to narcissists who call me a drama queen and overreacting, for speaking up against their bullying. They also told me how I forget things, it's just my ADHD and it's being demonized by these very people that could've done anything helpful as my family. It's a struggle, when my ADHD is used by outsiders as a reason to why I'm so "rebellious" and "rude".
Dr Ramani your description of one narcissistic parent and the other appeasing parent, so not really present with their children, described my childhood. My father was the narcissist and throw in undiagnosed Borderline personality disorder with alcoholism and violence. My mother was loving, kind, but literally beaten down by his behaviour. She ended up on antidepressants in my teens and just numbed out. She was emotionally absent from mine and my sister's lives. I was the scapegoat and the truth teller. So I was called overemotional and challenging. I only got a handle on my father's behaviour when I started working in the crisis mental health system, doing face to face work with patients. By then I was in my late 30s. Both my parents have passed away and I'm 58, but I still find myself paralysed when someone starts ranting at me. Even after all that therapy. Not one therapist ever suggested my father was a narcissist and I'd suffered narcissistic abuse. Physical abuse yes but they didn't understand what narcissism does to a child, how it dismantles your sense of self. Thank you Dr Ramani for helping us understand. ❤
It is true dr Ramani. The world would rather that we give up and shut up but we must not do it in , we must not give up on ourselves like the narcisists did on themselves. Thank you. God bless you ❤
Ive been told I'm too serious, too sensitive, too healthy, too opinionated, too thin, too independent, too nice, too trusting, too religious, too intense! Bah humbug!
Thank you so much for yor work Dr Ramani, you have helped me understand my experiences in such a clear, concise and deep way that leads to compassion and healing. ❤️🩹
@@denisedevoto5703same here in fact I was convinced myself that I must be BPD. Funny how now that I'm in a healthy relationship I don't have any of the same symptoms. It's not you
@@sharicoburn5475 I actually went to a psychiatrist to see if I was borderline. I am not. They really mess with your mind. And no it wasn't me or you, it was THEM! Glad you are with someone safe. I am too and it is wonderful.
@denisedevoto5703 I'm so happy for you! And me! Yeah they will make you think you are crazy, or drive you there. It took me years to undo the damage through healing. Now I still watch Dr Ramani to both help encourage others in the comments ( kind of like support groups) and I watch to continue my healing. Blessings to you.
Yea see this is why therapy scares the shit out of me. The therapist in a huge position of power makes it about the victim being “intense.” Great video. Thanks for what you do.
Thanks so much dr Ramani. It feels so comforting having a space with people who are going through difficult times as me. I was called intense for being too happy or excited and also overreacting or throwing temper tantrums. I am much younger than him so he really got into my head "maybe I am just immature and throwing a temper tantrum" No I never was. He threw all the temper tantrums untill our last fight that I lost my cool and let my anger get the best of me and shortly after got out of the relationship because it was not my first narcissistic tango!
Hi Dr. R! I’m so grateful for all your videos, they’ve finally helped me understand why I spent so long constantly blaming myself and being depressed and I’m finally realising the manipulation and exploitation of my sensitivity and vulnerability. It all feels so clear now, thank you 🙏🏻
My narcissistic ex used to label me as intense when I was excited about my favorite band. He even called my pets intense! Seems to me these narcissists use that word to crush us, our dreams, and our goals.
🤢 Envy over pets?? I mean, what do I expect from people who are envious of children or anyone in that matter. They're too empty that the light refuse to shine into them. That's why happiness isn't their company.
I think it's also because a lot of us are very much emotionally intelligent, seeming to be distinguished in some way, like the one who seems more "adult" most of the time and the immature see that as being something like that of an authority. It comes off intense to the less poised
I wish there was a video on narcissistic sister to an empathetic sister. My mom believes me about my sister, but trying to get her to understand my personal feelings about the constant abuse and trauma I endured from my sister. From never having friends or anyone in my family who cared about me. When I became 35 ( she is 1 year younger ), I found out what narcissistic behavior was. It suddenly all clicked. I was blaming it on her zodiac sign. But it was much deeper than that. Telling her boyfriends to never compliment me, because she needs to be the center of attention, or she’ll take it out on me. Through belittling or making fun of me. My sister is thin and beautiful, I’m obese and not anywhere as beautiful as her physically. Thou I often get told I’m beautiful inside and out. I have always had it driven into my head that I’m not beautiful and my sister is. My mom admitted that she never thought I would be able to live alone. Because of my major depression and anxiety. I’ve had my current apartment for 12 years and my landlord is always telling me that my place is always good. My mom is only just recently seeing my accomplishments. I lost about 100 pounds on my own, and I’m about to get weight loss surgery to lose the rest. The more weight I lose, the nicer people are, and notice me more. As much as things are getting better for me, I’m still sad. Because why didn’t anyone care before. Why didn’t they see my worth before. I’m still the same person I’ve always been.
That exact same thing happened to me in couples therapy too, but thankfully my awesome therapist didn't call me intense, after the session was over, he whispered to me in the hallway, "She will never change"...
That's right! They never do. I still have subconscious thoughts of, "Maybe I'm too harsh on my parents, maybe it's my fault. " But their behaviour is a great reminder and eye-opener. So no thanks, I'm not pleasing anyone.
Omg what a blessing Dr. Ramani is! I moved in with my sister and her husband and the walls went up. I was not to expect to be treated wiith kindness or respect. I was at their mercy. Had I known I would have moved in with a stranger. My sister was concerned I'd be sexually abused. What she would do to me would be far less damaging. If only our minds function like that. I was dehumanized. All normal for the narcissist. I had meltdowns as a child.
Narcs want you to have no boundaries. The moment you have a boundary they complain you are 'intense'. The moment you call them out you are 'intense'. They want you to pull back.
Even just having the basic expectations of kindness and respect from others they label as intense
@@l.5832 ABSOLUTELY! When you have no boundaries you are funding their lives! I fed the kids in the family for YEARS! They had new cars, boat motors that cost more than my CAR! His wife was only allowed to spend $50 a week on groceries. But that was not a problem as I kept the kids fed.. when I asked them to call the kids home at dinner time… this was over 10 yrs of feeding them all the time, they told the whole family I was selfish and mean to their kids. It took me years (in my 60’s) to realize they were just using me. I walked away. They stole my inheritance but my peace was worth every penny! Watch the people you “love”! If they are fine until you try and set a boundary… you got your answer! You become “too sensitive “ too much… 😂
True.
This is exactly how my brother is. It’s insane to me how narcissists will punish you for the reaction they purposely induced in you.
Of course narcissists are going to call me " intense." I have light and energy. They don't.
And mercy… and love!
SING IT!! 🙏💙❣️
That’s what I was thinking
I have feelings. He doesn’t.
Yup 👍 your takin bout literally high vibration and frequency versus very very LOW 😩 vibration and frequency 👌❤️
Amen and Hallelujah queen's.... and kings..😊🤍🙏
If I had an opinion on ANYTHING, I was "too opinionated".
"Too critical", " too argumentative", "too dramatic", etc...
Pretty much, if someone is bold enough to put-you-down, then Narcissist they probably are. Granted there might be some occasions where it is appropriate but largely it a put-down
Or just plain wrong. There’s rarely a word I can speak to my NM that is deemed right by her.
Right? And how dare you so much as like a different pair of shoes? Without them having said which ones they like, they'll get extremely offended that you're drawn to a different pair in a store and get downright nasty about it, & then about everything else you've ever done or thought or liked. "You hate things just bc I like them!" But you haven't put down anything & don't even know which pair they like. Liking something or having any opinion on anything at all, yep, unleashed a flood of venomous resentment & off the wall accusations... unless a salesperson is listening bc then it's all grace & charm. I dreaded going to stores with my mom as a kid & she kept trying to get me to go as a young adult, bc she liked it & she thought if she bought me something it bought her the right to get intensely abusive for quite some time afterwards. I'm certain she would have played martyr to her peers as if I couldn't have bought it for myself, afterwards. It wouldn't have been a gift, but a little act of war. & She'd be baffled when I didn't want the help & try to think of something else that might lure me into accepting that weird nasty scenario. So then she'd want to take me to a restaurant & thought I wouldn't stand up to her in one. I went a couple of times & ended up walking out, & paying for my own meal as I left. I told the server too. "She's being abusive, I need to go, this will cover my meal & the tip." It took me twice to learn she wouldn't learn. It grossed me out to think of her paying for mine bc it felt like she was trying to buy my soul. & I suspected she'd leave a short tip. I kind of hope the servers both kept mine as a larger tip & made her pay the whole check. There should be a fine for emotional abuse. 😂😂😂
@@mandymoreno1629 EGGZACTLY. Never ever are we correct. 😭
I relate. I would get my head cut off for having a view on something. How easily threatened people are when they are defending a toxic family system.
Gaslighting 101 Class for Narcs: "Find the calmest, kindest, most empathetic person and push and poke again and again until you get a reaction, then label her as intense, rageful, crazy and unhinged. Instead of leaving, she'll try to be even "better", do more, and react less. Repeat over and over until she erases herself as a person and you're the center of her life. If possible, film her reaction and post it on social media, or trigger her in front of a therapist so she doubts herself even more. It will multiply the effect tenfold."
This
Yup...wow!
Ya after 5 years of post separation abuse I’m “unhinged” You’re damn right I am. Seriously it is so heartbreaking that this is not seen as criminal
Exactly. THis must be in their manual somewhere. RUN, Forest, RUN!!!
So spot on…. The worst of it is when you feel defeated by being misunderstood by an outsider. A two edged sword. When someone really sees what you are going through , it’s a healing grace.
So true, it’s incredibly healing when someone recognizes who the narcissist really is and sees what you’ve been through
@@ladybug947 yes
Oh yes! And most outsiders do not want to acknowledge their evil friend. You could show them proof or they could even be present for the meltdowns and rages to you and they will knowingly explain it away and ask you to be MORE patient and MORE understanding. And they get to drive off and go back to their stable environments. Talk about invalidating flying monkeys. 🐒. THE WORST EVER!
Sensitivity, intelligence, empathy, and creativity ~these are all intense gifts, but I would rather have them than live my life without them. Narcissists are so *boring* -especially when they're trying to be "interesting"
Omg oh we were great until they wanted to date our sisters and friends. What the hell
What great points. My sensitivity or empathic nature has always been criticized as a bad thing instead of a gift.
I always get called intense’s cousin serious. It’s gaslight/code/guilt for I’m too close to the truth and won’t just go along with the delusion/fantasy/lie or I’m enforcing a boundary and won’t budge.
ETA: “You think too much” is also a distant relative.
I always counter w "you think too little." You can imagine how well it's received
@@agtv_media I have said that too. & It feels good to say. They've had no comeback to it. Silence is golden. 😁
This video really sheds light on a common tactic narcissists use to deflect accountability. Labeling someone as "intense" is often a way to dismiss their valid emotions or reactions. Thank you for breaking this down so clearly-it’s empowering to understand these dynamics!
Intense is narc speak for crazy because of my intentional crazy making behavior & there’s a near term for that called gaslighting… they even made a movie about it & I took notes 😉 gotcha again!
Enablers use it too when they want the problem to go away.
As a child, I was called "the actress," and my outbursts were "Academy Award worthy." it was simply the way my family invalidated and dismissed my feelings.
The minute you need them to be there for you. You're suddenly difficult.
When a narcissist does not like your boundaries, Don't be afraid when they leave because that is the best thing for you.
Don't be afraid, and don't engage, period.
Do know, it's not you.
❤
Accept the blessing wrapped in grief.
In time, grief will lighten because the blessing is coming through.
@@WithAnEss ❤️
I always had to leave the Narcisists! Every one of them threatened to kill me! Mom, HS bf, ex husband, recent bf! They labled me as being 'too nice', but threaten to kill me/have me killed. As far as the men went, it felt like the 'if I can't have you, then nobody can'.
Terrifying! I don't trust my attraction. I am done being mentally, physically and emotionally beaten by others.
I'll just keep to myself (so hard when i am people pleaser extrodinaire😢).
I finally realized that is why I am their target.
Yes, once they trigger you to the point of you loosing your temper, it's over. Leave and never go back. Don't apologize. Don't cave in and call when you miss them. Keep walking
A family member once responded to information about my upbringing by saying, "Wow, you have a lot of anger." I thought to myself, This isn't anger; this is my reality. How much more gaslighting can you do?
Thank you for this comment. I have only begun to share some of my experiences with extended family members and despite trying to relate my experiences in a matter of fact way, I still get the "you're angry" comment. Yes, this is gaslighting!
@@annag-h6659 I can so relate.
You can only take so much BS. And yes I have this issue also.
Anger is a legitimate reaction to some situations. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. If it is destructive then it’s counter productive but if it fulfills its intended evolutionary purpose it can be harnessed and turned towards constructive ends. It’s all about what you do with it that counts.
@@valentine1713Exactly.
It’s like fighting with a crazy person. To everyone else, it looks like you’re both crazy because of how you’re reacting to the narcissist.
Yup. Takes two to tango, though. LOL hard to keep up with that dance.
Abused people are human. They get tired and exhausted from constantly being badgered by narcissists. People are not robots. Narcissists will accuse you of having a temper when they are the ones with the short fuse. Narcissists and enablers have a resistance to accountability when they resist facts, truth and reality. I will continue to resist their bs.
I would say the narcissistic person has an inbuilt immunity to taking responsibility
My mother used to start fights with me when I was a child, she would immediate claim to be a victim where I was punished and isolated while she discussed my behaviour with other family members, consistantly omitting the part where she started the fight and removing my right to state my side of it as 'you can;t trust him, he'll lie to get out of anything, he's done it to me'. Reflecting on this behaviour playing out, it was twofold, first, it kept me isolated and more vulnerable and second, people often gave her sympathy for having to deal with such a difficult child, though the most insane relavation to me with that individuals with narcissistic traits think that they are doing nothing wrong in those situations.
So sorry you went through that.
Absolutely. Hitchcock movies had nothing on these people
I'm so sorry. Not that it helps...but you're in good company :-/.
I completely relate. My 87 yr old Mother plays the same game, claiming I've been a difficult child. She is a sadist who enjoys making me cry, She is someone consumed by envy. These are dangerous people who happened to have given birth. Never feel guilty for protecting yourself.❤
If you're a truth teller and see through their BS, they'll do anything to try to shut you up. You're not "allowed" to have standards for other people's behavior, but they will have all kinds of rules you should follow so that they don't have to look at themselves. They're rather immature people who only skate on the surface of life.
This intense calling is very familiar. When I reacted to the evil manufactured by the narcissist I got blamed for overreacting. But now I know the truth and I now know myself. Thank you Doc.
Reminds me when I was a kid and I got bullied a lot and nobody said anything to the teachern. When they did somebody Told me to get over myself. Now I see its the fault of the parents letting it happen Because my pain amused them
Healing = Individuation, meaning, purpose ❤ thank you.
Reinforcing boundaries is an intense situation.
They have to make you feel guilty to try and get what they want.
If you're being called this, extremely intense, you're doing right by you.
Damn right I am, after having to deal with him for 18 years, & his ashes are sitting in the corner. And I just turned 60-and no one is allowed to treat me like THAT ever again. ❤
I am no longer anyone’s SCAPE GOAT .
Hell to the Yeahhhhhh!
I popped a hole in my narc dad’s ashes under my coat. And sprinkled them out in a graveyard. No way I could had kept them !!
Ashes in the corner sounds fitting place.
Hero on YT! ❤
They called me "too metaphoric and too analytical."
Yeah, because you were beginning to figure them out 😒
Oh my. Metaphoric and analytical-- I consider those to be compliments.
We can't do anything right according to them. Catch 22
They didn't want you to figure it out.
@@Saraflowerk Right. You’re too concrete and too abstract all at once - coded: your cognitive independence is a threat to me.
I used to be called needy. I just needed to be heard!
I grew up in a household where “reactions” were not allowed! I was too sensitive… too much…ect! I know you had to know what all this was in order to say all you do! Thank you Dr R!
Same. You had to shut up, suck it up, and take whatever they did or said to you. ANY reaction was punished. Even happiness. But especially anger, sadness, crying...any emotions or reactions that weren't the narcissist' were beaten out of you.
"Too sensitive. Get over it. I've been through worse."
"The world DOESN'T WANT TO understand these relationships" -- pretty much exactly, Doc Ramani 😢😢❤
As the former scapegoat in a highly abusive narcissist family, I went on to invite narcissistic friends & girlfriends into my life. I have been called "intense" many times during my life (and probably was at times), but now that I have been removing narcissists from my life, I am much more calm & no longer told that I am intense! Thanks for the great video, Dr Ramani.
@@jonathanuniverse9302 So interesting! I always chose narks as friends. Their way or else. I was so agreeable because it really didn’t matter to me how or where we ate or went. BUT … when something did matter… ya know… like her daughter being paid to paint for me but she wants her to go to a street fair with her while all my furniture is in the middle of the house… I just walk away from them. Anyone who can do u like that is not your friend!
Intense, dramatic, over reacting, too much, selfish, angry, etc etc etc. I've been called it all and you nailed the over regulated, highly empathic and preople pleasing with a rare occasional "outburst" of what I now see was still very controlled and considerate version of self advocacy in the face of tears of mistreatment and just needing a little bit of consideration and reciprocity in my direction. The worst is the helpers (counselors, therapists, pastors, attorneys, mediators, etc) seeing THEIR behavior as just reacting to your self advocating, as opposed to the other way around.
Thank you again for highlighting these very important nuances of navigating attempts to heal.
‘Controlled and considered self advocacy’ is a perfect way to put what I tried to do - but it was still labelled as compulsive arguing, overreaction and anger.
I think as we grow up we start to realize some emotions are okay, including anger, and we aren't crazy or dramatic for having it. Theres a place for it.
Absolutely
It's the anger, &/or fear, distress, etc that tells us to get away from someone. It's a gift from nature to motivate us not to tolerate the intolerable. & It'll grow if we don't listen to it the first time, bc nature itself wants us to break free & be somewhere there's harmony.
Right, there’s definitely a place for it. The only time it’s a problem is when we’re not allowed to express our other emotions and that one takes over all the time.
Dr. Ramani, I'm so sorry you internalized so much hardship. The world can be a really cruel place. Peace to you ♥
That's what makes her so good. She's not just teaching what she's learned , it's combined with what she's experienced.
I call it "raw." We've been nicked by the knife so many times, that it doesn't take much to send us over the edge. That is what people see, and not the continous knife sticks.
Excellent point-- and it is hard to know who we can trust when people can't see the whole story or our perspective. Such an isolating experience especially when growing up with multiple narcississtically inclined folks and extended family in one overall family. Our response may get them to feel justified and double down on control, gaslighting, lies and manipulation. Getting away is the most effective solution but their tentacles are so long...
Excellent analogy
Like being poked with a stick so many times that eventually you yell "cut it out". Of course you're acting crazy!
I’ve been trying to explain this to my mother about my narcissistic brother. I have absolutely no threshold for his abuse anymore, regardless of how subtle or “minimal” his acts of abuse may seem to outsiders. When he starts in on me, I’m reacting from a place of decades worth of unresolved anger and resentment.
It took me a second to realize this wasn't my story you were talking about. Absolutely spot on Dr. Ramani. The lack of understanding of narcissistic abuse from well-meaning, but uneducated therapists in this realm is so disheartening and damaging to survivors. Keep doing your work you wonderful soul, you are making a difference. I hope you are safe and well from these fires. Please keep us posted. Thank you again for your wisdom.
This. It shocked me because the story she is telling is like she’s in my life. It’s achingly accurate and I’m so thankful for Dr. R “seeing” us.
They all use the same techniques! It's like there's a script somewhere they've all found & followed. Oddly, bc they don't cooperate with anything else! 😂
@@WildWoodsGirl65 yes!!!! Ironically, I had so much shame growing up because my mother is dark tetrad and I truly believed she was her own special type of sick and there was no one else out there like her. It was shocking to me to learn that this was not true.
Ooh didn't realize she was close to the fires. Why do I keep thinking England??
Yes please stay safe Dr Ramani!!!
Yes! This! This is me. I try so hard to remain calm and balanced and unreactionary to people and then when they go too far and I call them out on it I'm seen as the one with the "problem". I am so over it. Can't I too just voice my opinion? Can't I also have feelings? I am so done with these egocentric people.
My maternal narcissist feels I need to emotionally regulate because I am not completely placid when she abuses me. There is always something they can use to manipulate you.
I was super silenced and controlled when I was younger.. I did healing work and found my voice, and would react when pushed way beyond healthy limits, and so was shamed and blamed for being angry, or called crazy or ‘difficult’ for standing up for myself. They treat me like crap then get mad at me for getting angry even if it’s controlled healthy anger. I now can see how much they project their issues on me and gaslit my valid feelings. I am not the negative things they say about me. I will not sacrifice my health for them. I just want to run away. They don’t take accountability nor seek help for their issues and it’s not my problem. Focusing on my life. ❤ Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤
According to them I'm too lazy, too stupid along with being too intense.
You're in good company then, I've heard the same. ❤
All my life, absolutely! But, I'm not stupid. And neither are YOU. Healing can come!
I've been given so many ridiculous and negative labels by the narcissists in my life, it's almost become comical to me.
Even if you go to the other extreme of being too perfectionist. They will laugh at you for being too extreme. Again, bully tactics. Boundaries are for you.
I have been called "intense" many times. It always been from cruel abusive people.
I was called snappish by the N in my life. I’ve not talked to them since November. Keeping my distance helps me heal after finding a therapist who sees me for me. Thank you for your videos to see I’m not alone.
I don't think that either one of my parents were full clinical narcissists. But I still experienced it. It was like they switched back and forth between the two of them. Sometimes it was both. It looks to me like they both had heavy narcissism in their upbringings. So the dynamics and many (not all) of narcissit behaviors were often pointed at me. My mother realized a lot before she died at 92. She was deep in thought. She wanted to talk with me. She said "you are a very different person than who I thought you are". "I never really knew you ". And so at the very end of her life. I finally had a real relationship with my own mother. My family is gone now. But my mother at least and finally to a point, understood many things. In some ways my parents worked very hard and deserve recognition. In other ways my life was a nightmare. So be it. I don't need anyone else's justification. In some ways I become a little tougher than normal. But I do grieve many lost things, and parts of life that I simply didn't understand and didn't reach for . Or I didn't reach for them with others who were actually capable. Many of us grow, and I hope I do till my last breath and beyond .
What you have shared is very beautiful and courageous. You told part of my story. Thank you.
I don’t mind being called intense. I deeply care for myself as well as others and I take it very seriously.
Yes, ive heard that, along with "youre SO dramatic. Its the fact that my light and my vibration irritates their lack of. Took me til my 50s to realize this.
Our compassion. Our good qualities. People might think it's impossible, parents envious of siblings bonding? In my family, the two narcissists are very big haters of that. Causing drama, hoping to break off my relationship with my brother after isolating my sister. The irony is, they never liked my brother either.
Some people don't and won't get it until they go through it.
Yesterday you posted a video on Adult child narcissists and today you have a video about intense. My life experience runs parallel to both videos. Learning about narcissism has helped so much. Getting into therapy has been difficult because the therapists I have seen, don't get the narcissistic abuse victims experience. I was given a diagnosis of BPD and I can't go there as using the tools and knowledge I have learned since learning about narcissism has helped me regain a sense of self. That sense of self gets knocked down by the narcissists and I get tired. Still, now, I get back up and don't abandon who I am. I can see a therapist saying I am in denial about BPD or even NPD. I say NPD because there are some who call me a narcissist as I am beginning to speak out about the abuse and regain my power. I was quiet, I suppose any speaking out would cause them to say I was intense. Actually my intensity has other sources and not many have even bothered to talk to me about anything. It is easier to judge the surface layers. Yes, self compassion is vital. It helps when I am in a down time that stems from repeat abuse attacks. The good thing is that I have never crossed the line into losing my sense of self as I had done before knowing about narcissism. I have the tools now. When I get a reprieve, I can experience Joy and life. It is what it is for now.
I had one of those moment yesterday and this video hit home, Dr. Ramani. After a series of unfair treatment and dumping work on me; the iceberg; I finally lost it over something relatively small; the ice cube. You told my story. Thank you
The straw that broke the camel’s back
‘ve been there, done it
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes baire_persons, I have a similar experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and mushrooms have significantly contributed to my recovery and being clean today.
I wish those were more easily accessible where I live.
Microdosing was my next step for my husband. He's 59 & dealing with lots of mental health challenges, possible CTE & a TBI that put him in a coma for 8 days. Unfortunately, I had to get a TPO since he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and showing violent behavior, constantly talking about harming others. He's aggressive. To anyone reading this, if you're familiar with BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?
Is he on instagram?
baire_persons is the man
I relate strongly to Elsa from Frozen who was forced by my parents to hide all her feelings. That she should be ashamed of her gifts and hide away who she really was. ❄️❄️❄️
Thanks. I've never seen that movie. I'll watch it.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for your sharing all your years of knowledge, and expertise w/the rest of us, that need to hear you, and learn from you. I’m praying that God always protects you, and your loved ones, and I’m thankful that the LA fires have not touched you, or your loved ones🙏❣️
Thank you for this program! You literally saved my life! I am taking my story to a MN senator. I kept all of my records and am speaking about how difficult it is to escape a narcissist and how the system is failing women. Ho because of my husband’s position he got away with almost killing mee
A narcissist called me ‘hard work’ when I asked for an explanation of his motives and behaviour.
Narcs always went for the aura or energy that was light, pure, and vibrant. Being honest and vulnerable. In that way, I was intense.
"...the World doesn't want to understand these kind of relationships..."🥺😔many thanks for calling it out Dr. Ramani🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
ditto
I've been thinking of what to write. This video blew me away! Thank you so much!!!
You have summed up what took me 30 years to fully realize. Neither of my parents had any boundaries with me at all. I am finally healing and going no contact.
Dr. Ramani, I don't know how you do it. The work you've done on this disorder must be incredibly draining. It feels like we’re surrounded by people like this; they seem to be everywhere, and it’s utterly exhausting. The amount of energy they put into creating chaos is astonishing. Sometimes, I reach a point where I shut down and tune everything out, but you have the resilience to keep going. Your insights and the information you share are invaluable, and they’ve been such a tremendous help. Thank you for all that you do.
... good morning, Doc ...'Keep Fighting the Good Fight!'...peace on💪☝️💜☮️
My ex husband called me "extra." I had never heard that term before and asked him what it meant.
So any time I expressed a legitimate emotion, stood up for myself, or said no, I was labeled "extra" by a manbaby who did nothing.
Go figure.
Thanks, Dr. Ramani.
I got called “brutally honest” in an insulting way by the narc, many times. It was always after I called them out on their behavior. But their behavior wasn’t the problem, my reaction to firmly stating my boundaries was. It was crazy making.
Yep. Me too. After my narcissistic father was constantly presuming to come and visit me and stay with me and my partner after mum died ( I had moved interstate and stayed physically distant form the family home since I was 18, and kept the relationship at as safe a distance as possible via phone ) when I visited him to set a boundary, to communicate calmly, carefully that I get uncomfortable when he talks about his plans to visit and stay ( he has never been invited to btw ) he said " Oh...well thanks for letting me know. ". Then later sent an email to his neice, my cousin, who is the only blood relative I really share anything of myself with and trust and said to her that I am 'not a happy camper , with such a negative attitude to life. ' Then ' I know she suffers a lot, poor thing. '. That is the smear campaign you get for having a boundary. Like how dare I? It's a no win. Hopefully my cousin knows me well enough to recognise me for who I am. At the very least I expect we might outlive him. The truth doesn't always come out or prevail. And anyway, people don't always want or respect it, but when they call you mean things for the purposes of making their insecurity feel attended to by somebody else you know you just said something true. That's all it takes, simply state some facts.
Ps, weird typo, he said that to her, not him.
They probably call me that because when i get enough of them i give them their crap back.
Wow! This is eerily familiar. Except my narcissistic parent wasn’t the “hero” in the family, but instead in church and the community for charity work. Thank you doc for clarifying things for me and others. The “angry” person is exactly how I’m described. I know better now because of you. Thanks for all you do.
Yes! Very relatable. I was ‘difficult’. So I have spent my life trying to be as accommodating as possible.
Good morning everyone. THANK YOU DOCTOR!! Your selfless insight is helping many of us!!
I was told I had over the top energy. 😂 I’m ok with taking my energy to a new friendship who appreciates it!
I relate to this woman's story. The narcissists make you a source by provoking the reaction.
This vid is so *resonant* with my own experience. So grateful for the thorough validation. I watch every vid, every day. Feel so fortunate to have you, Dr. Ramani, as a virtual FOUNTAIN of information and wisdom. 🙏
I have no doubt about the push back you are getting. I worked in academia for 25 years and it is a breeding ground for narcissists. I was amazed at what people got away with. I was at the copier one day when the head of another department came and said "I had a dream last night that I shot Ann (a member of his department and a friend of mine) with a 357 magnum". To say I was shocked cannot describe my reaction. I was concerned and reported it to the assistant dean. His response? "Thanks now you have made it my problem."
My covert narc told me that I “made his blood boil.” lol
Looking back I realize now it was because I was just defending myself (setting boundaries, before I had any) and he did NOT like THAT.
From one intense kid to another, thanks for this today. ❤
Exactly 100 % he called me intense !! I couldn't believe it. HE WAS A RAGING LUNATIC that's intense.
This video was a bit of a eureka moment for me. Called intense (or 'dramatic') throughout childhood by family and even more so as a traumatized adult scapegoat. Also called intense by various domineering, abusive partners. Always felt so bad about it. Now my adult kids are doing it. I do have emotional reactivity problems due to childhood trauma but then so do a lot of the folk labelling me as intense...
Intolerant and so difficult that no one but them could tolerate us...
I have been called intense. To relate to Dr Ramani here. What's a person to do with all this energy? My feeling about people who have been called the same thing is: just keep learning. Keep on keeping on. It takes therapy and it takes SEEING. "Know Thyself" -- unknown ancient Greek philosopher
I LIKE that: don't let this "intense" label seep into one's identity.
The quote unquote intense reaction is 100% justified because we are pushed to that point after all the gaslighting manipulation and lies
Yep that was me. Narcissist father and loving mother who was so caught up with pleasing my father and lost her own health.
Same. Led me to terrible abusive relationships.
Reverse the roles & that's my parents.
@@WildWoodsGirl65 yes... same... and very ill as result... hugs to all of you, from Belgium
Thank you for another beautiful and reassuring video, Dr. Ramani. You've provided valuable insights into how early experiences can contribute to emotional intensity, a sense of being unsafe, and compensatory behaviors like kindness and overregulation.
I’d like to add that there’s often a dialogue between nature and nurture. Some people naturally have more 'intense' (faster) brains, potentially due to higher-than-average glutamatergic activity. This inherent intensity can make them primary targets for narcissists within their families, social circles, or professional environments, as their presence may threaten a narcissist's sense of superiority and control. When they push back, narcissists can feel cornered and resort to intimidation tactics, such as stalking behaviors or involving "flying monkeys" to surveil and harass-actions that can understandably compromise one's sense of safety. It’s important to recognize that these gestures are typically designed to provoke an emotional reaction and discredit the target. Outside of domestic contexts, they rarely escalate to actual physical violence.
I truly appreciate your closing message about embracing one's intensity. Ultimately, this intensity is a profound gift-one that narcissists seek to destroy precisely because it has the power to bring them to their knees and liberate their victims. Your work powerfully demonstrates how this strength can be a force for healing and empowerment.
(I personally seem to have a unique situation in which there might be two broad categories of people who potentially, possibly, perhaps, 'surveil' me at times: [1] one for entertainment, inspiration, and potential 'Anne and Gilbert' purposes {which I accept}; and [2] another for intimidation, silencing, and 'theft of IP' purposes {which, naturally, I don't accept!}. Sometimes, it's difficult for me to determine which is which. Apologies if this sounds and/or is crazy. [I'm using hierarchical brackets, Oxford colons, British spellings, and unnecessary commas, in an effort to seem more sane; however, in doing so, I might be cultivating precisely the opposite perception...)
(One final reply to myself here, sorry. I meant to also respond to your insightful 'icecube versus iceberg' and 'anger beneath the surface' comments. While I'm potentially just rationalising my own narcissism here, I've found in my travels that: [1] the devil is in the details, or for narcissists the deviler devil is in the details; and [2] narcissists respect and are less likely to bully fellow narcissists. Therefore, in dealing with them, I've been deliberately - or so I claim - hanging on to details like a dog with a bone, and ending by emulating their own style of explosive anger. A risk to be mitigated here is adapting to narcissism by becoming a narcissist oneself. Any advice to that end would be appreciated.)
They call you intense or "too serious".
I had a guy recently call me serious which I took as a red flag and I told him "Yes I am actually" lol
Wow. This is enlightening!
I was told I was bad tempered and angry but therapist said I was ignored and it was my way of trying to be heard
Then a narc bf would say I was too much when I stood up for myself. He would provoke me and purposely antagonise me, even blaming me when I asked him to come down for dinner. Wow. I can see things so differently now.
I can be assertive but it’s so eye opening to unwrap it. I am kind and have been told so by so many. I can now reconcile myself to it all. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I was told I was "insanely jealous" - when in fact I was indifferent, not jealous.
And by not agreeing to date him, I was abusive.
He told me I was having “episodes” if I had emotional reactions to lies, being ignored
Excellent!
I have experienced being called this by my narcissist mother and narcissistic EX of 18 years. Not a single friend of mine who truly knows me would call me “angry”. Yes, my soul was “angry” in the way I was being treated but I NEVER believed it or BOUGHT INTO because…a direct quote from EX…”you love yourself too much” “you can’t be controlled”…
Thank you for helping me understand and playing a direct role in my choice to NOT GO back to this person as he tried all the tricks AFTER he “filed” and then stalked me!
I chose myself and that meant a “heartbreak” beyond what words could possibly say…
Very happy in my peaceful mind and space. I also realized that I was grieving a “fantasy”.
Completely over it (took about 2 years) 🙏💓🙏💓🙏💓
Same here.
We have to grieve the realization that it never was real. And that's really hard.
This was my story as well!
I hope you heal after a lifetime full of abuse.
❤️
I'd like to throw in here, that there's nothing wrong with intensity! I'm an artist, a performer, and I'm autistic, and I tend to have big feelings and big reactions, to all kinds of situations. The "intensity" in my nature has harmed people I love in the past, and was constantly used against me in my various narcissistic relationships. Very early in my life, I did come to think of it as a bad thing, something about myself that desperately needed fixing.
I'm undoing that conditioning now, with the help of a really good trauma-informed, narcissism-savvy therapist. Now, I LIKE my intensity! I work hard not to hurt myself and others with it, but intensity itself is not harmful. Just sayin' ✨
And narcissists also love to target neurodivergent people. I am one. I'm a child to narcissists who call me a drama queen and overreacting, for speaking up against their bullying. They also told me how I forget things, it's just my ADHD and it's being demonized by these very people that could've done anything helpful as my family. It's a struggle, when my ADHD is used by outsiders as a reason to why I'm so "rebellious" and "rude".
I even call myself intense. My mother is a narcissist and my ex husband is a narcissist. I wonder if this is why.
Dr Ramani your description of one narcissistic parent and the other appeasing parent, so not really present with their children, described my childhood. My father was the narcissist and throw in undiagnosed Borderline personality disorder with alcoholism and violence. My mother was loving, kind, but literally beaten down by his behaviour. She ended up on antidepressants in my teens and just numbed out. She was emotionally absent from mine and my sister's lives.
I was the scapegoat and the truth teller. So I was called overemotional and challenging. I only got a handle on my father's behaviour when I started working in the crisis mental health system, doing face to face work with patients. By then I was in my late 30s. Both my parents have passed away and I'm 58, but I still find myself paralysed when someone starts ranting at me. Even after all that therapy. Not one therapist ever suggested my father was a narcissist and I'd suffered narcissistic abuse. Physical abuse yes but they didn't understand what narcissism does to a child, how it dismantles your sense of self.
Thank you Dr Ramani for helping us understand. ❤
My mom used to call me a “schizo’” or “crazy” or she’d say “don’t be stupid!”
I personally love your passion Dr Ramani.
Yeah. I know. Thank you for this. An ex called me intense when I questioned abuse he showed me.
It is true dr Ramani. The world would rather that we give up and shut up but we must not do it in , we must not give up on ourselves like the narcisists did on themselves. Thank you. God bless you ❤
Ive been told I'm too serious, too sensitive, too healthy, too opinionated, too thin, too independent, too nice, too trusting, too religious, too intense! Bah humbug!
When diplomacy fails raw and/or intense creeps in sometimes
Everyone..have a wonderful day ..blessings and much love to you all ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much for yor work Dr Ramani, you have helped me understand my experiences in such a clear, concise and deep way that leads to compassion and healing. ❤️🩹
Praying that Dr Ramani is safe and well in these Wildfires🙏🏻❤
He'd call me bipolar. As soon as I'd show ANY emotions towards his bad behavior, rather than my usual good moods, he'd claim I was bipolar.
Mine said I was borderline and told everyone he could that I was borderline.
@@denisedevoto5703same here in fact I was convinced myself that I must be BPD.
Funny how now that I'm in a healthy relationship I don't have any of the same symptoms.
It's not you
@@sharicoburn5475 I actually went to a psychiatrist to see if I was borderline. I am not. They really mess with your mind. And no it wasn't me or you, it was THEM! Glad you are with someone safe. I am too and it is wonderful.
@denisedevoto5703 I'm so happy for you! And me! Yeah they will make you think you are crazy, or drive you there. It took me years to undo the damage through healing. Now I still watch Dr Ramani to both help encourage others in the comments ( kind of like support groups) and I watch to continue my healing. Blessings to you.
Yea see this is why therapy scares the shit out of me. The therapist in a huge position of power makes it about the victim being “intense.” Great video. Thanks for what you do.
Thanks so much dr Ramani. It feels so comforting having a space with people who are going through difficult times as me. I was called intense for being too happy or excited and also overreacting or throwing temper tantrums. I am much younger than him so he really got into my head "maybe I am just immature and throwing a temper tantrum" No I never was. He threw all the temper tantrums untill our last fight that I lost my cool and let my anger get the best of me and shortly after got out of the relationship because it was not my first narcissistic tango!
Hi Dr. R!
I’m so grateful for all your videos, they’ve finally helped me understand why I spent so long constantly blaming myself and being depressed and I’m finally realising the manipulation and exploitation of my sensitivity and vulnerability. It all feels so clear now, thank you 🙏🏻
My narcissistic ex used to label me as intense when I was excited about my favorite band. He even called my pets intense! Seems to me these narcissists use that word to crush us, our dreams, and our goals.
🤢 Envy over pets?? I mean, what do I expect from people who are envious of children or anyone in that matter. They're too empty that the light refuse to shine into them. That's why happiness isn't their company.
I think it's also because a lot of us are very much emotionally intelligent, seeming to be distinguished in some way, like the one who seems more "adult" most of the time and the immature see that as being something like that of an authority. It comes off intense to the less poised
I agree.
I wish there was a video on narcissistic sister to an empathetic sister. My mom believes me about my sister, but trying to get her to understand my personal feelings about the constant abuse and trauma I endured from my sister. From never having friends or anyone in my family who cared about me. When I became 35 ( she is 1 year younger ), I found out what narcissistic behavior was. It suddenly all clicked. I was blaming it on her zodiac sign. But it was much deeper than that. Telling her boyfriends to never compliment me, because she needs to be the center of attention, or she’ll take it out on me. Through belittling or making fun of me. My sister is thin and beautiful, I’m obese and not anywhere as beautiful as her physically. Thou I often get told I’m beautiful inside and out. I have always had it driven into my head that I’m not beautiful and my sister is. My mom admitted that she never thought I would be able to live alone. Because of my major depression and anxiety. I’ve had my current apartment for 12 years and my landlord is always telling me that my place is always good. My mom is only just recently seeing my accomplishments. I lost about 100 pounds on my own, and I’m about to get weight loss surgery to lose the rest. The more weight I lose, the nicer people are, and notice me more. As much as things are getting better for me, I’m still sad. Because why didn’t anyone care before. Why didn’t they see my worth before. I’m still the same person I’ve always been.
That exact same thing happened to me in couples therapy too, but thankfully my awesome therapist didn't call me intense, after the session was over, he whispered to me in the hallway, "She will never change"...
I'm really glad that your therapist was honest with you that they don't change
That's right! They never do. I still have subconscious thoughts of, "Maybe I'm too harsh on my parents, maybe it's my fault. " But their behaviour is a great reminder and eye-opener. So no thanks, I'm not pleasing anyone.
You spread so much love. You're so awesome Dr.Romani 😎😎 Your content is beautiful ❤️ and inspiring.
You're not intense, you're real. 💓💪
We are good people. We don’t do anyone wrong, and we care about everyone. Evil people are cursed for doing us wrong.
Beautiful and caring talk today loaded with understanding, compassion and empathy. Thank you Dr Ramini ❤
Omg what a blessing Dr. Ramani is! I moved in with my sister and her husband and the walls went up. I was not to expect to be treated wiith kindness or respect. I was at their mercy. Had I known I would have moved in with a stranger. My sister was concerned I'd be sexually abused. What she would do to me would be far less damaging. If only our minds function like that. I was dehumanized. All normal for the narcissist. I had meltdowns as a child.