I was raised by narcissistic, controlling and highly manipulative parents, and this is exactly right. It only took me 40 years, but I finally stood up to my mother (who ran the family - in a respectful way), put boundaries in place and finally had to walk away. But the first step was learning that she was all "bark". That was the most terrifying thing for me, and how she had controlled me all these years. She still tries to send me an email once a year victimizing herself and trying to manipulate me, but I just delete it and move on with my day. It's hard to learn this, but it is very rewarding to have the freedom to choose.
Same here my mother was the same and also sends me very toxic emails I just immediately delete. I'm proud of you for going that hard step keep on enjoying a life without toxicity 💚
I’m not going to act like I know what you’ve gone through, but it seems you and I are similar in parental experiences. I’m still in touch with my Dad, but I am away from my Mom. And I couldn’t be happier. It’s amazing and scary to be away from the narcissistic, borderline tyrannical environment, and finally see with clarity all the horrible things my mother has done. I hope you’re doing much much better today, man.
Don't feel bad, I had a narcissist with NPD and a father that was also narcisstic. I just stayed locked in my bedroom as a teen. She wasn't going to brutalize my mind. Unfortunately because of the bullying amd not knowing how to respond I allowed other people to do it. She was horrible and destroyed the entire family. This isn't just about negative emotion, it's about someone constantly putting you and others down all the time. You can't ask for anything because the answer will always be no.
Imagine your husband allowing and encouraging them to then do it to your wife. I didn't realize people got this sick. And still want to be perceived as 'great'
Well good. I left home at 17. So made my children responsible for themselves. Both doing well My Son sends pics, shares time when on the road ever so often. Advised me a bit buying a car. I don’t interfere with his family. His wife takes care of him, boy 7, girl 8. Have to let boys go to grow up or it would mess them up. My girl busy too and remarried w/ 13,22 girls & his twin boys n older Sis. Sir, you make time for yourself and provide. Love YOUR Family as it’s Your turn now. God bless!
When you still live together and can't run away yet, it's all bark and bite unfortunately. And the biting hurts waaayy into adulthood, still recovering, 15 years later.
You’ll do great ! I promise you this big effort you’re making into learning how to deal with that type of stuff will pay off with peace and a better life you created for yourself ❤️ only be patient with yourself while you do it 🫂
Walk away, break the cycle. Just because they brought you into this world does not mean they get to keep you. You're already doing better by accepting your worth. ❤
Agreed. Walk away. You owe them nothing -- they brought you into the world, and you are their genetic and cultural legacy, so it is actually more their responsibility to make sure you succeed and want to carry on their legacy. (Contrary to common interpretations of a certain saying from the Bible.) Fortunately I'm "obstinate" and intolerant enough of attempted manipulation, and had an option to go live with my dad instead, such that I got away before the end of HS, and never gave any further validity to her methods. However, it still took another 20+ years to gain enough insight and confidence to handle the inappropriate methods of interaction -- laugh them off or actively contradict them -- rather than just ignore/avoid the manipulation.
This makes sense to me- I'm 36 now, financially independent and living with my partner and haven't lived with my parents in years. My parents don't like my choices- they feel that I'm floundering in my career, they disapprove of my partner, and criticize my body and self-expression. But they can't *force* me to change any of those things, I know that and they know that. I *want* them to accept me as I am and I wish I could have the supportive family dynamics I see other people enjoying, but if I can get to a place where I don't *need* their acceptance, then I can stop letting them make me feel small, and that's at least something. Tolerating their negative feelings doesn't feel good or even sound like it would be but when the alternative is tolerating their control on your life choices, that's much worse.
This is literally my mother you're describing. Except she does have some bite, like withdrawing financial support for my essential medications, as she did just today. I hate her so much but I can't afford to move out.
That may be criminally abusive. You should seek legal advice. And if she's claiming you as a dependent for tax purposes, she could find herself with another big problem.
I know it rough out here, but living with a narcissistic parent is NOT an option, move into your car if you have to, you can get discounted medication coupons with the singlecare app, if you live in a blue state you can apply for state health insurance
Call ADULT SERVICES - see if they can get you into a rented room or studio. Trump is prez now and republicans are not a fan of social supports so I don’t know if it’ll be available but try.
I kinda discovered this on my own as a teenager, but I went all the way and did everything in my power to dissapoint/annoy them. Did exactly the opposite of what they say. Probably not the healthy way to do it, but it helped me not depend on their opinion...
i made my parents proud all my childhood... it's all I ever cared for... when i didn't, i realized that there wasn't much difference either way so i stoped caring
Yeah. I stopped tolerating her shit and instead of asking what has changed within me, she went on to how I would be forever alone and defenseless if she were to die from the “sadness” I make her feel. She knows damn well I was diagnosed with major depression in summer too. Why are they like this??
Just my observations* Also hate feeling small or stupid so they make other ppl feel that way so there's always someone around them who they can feel better or smarter than by comparison
Please understand that your mother probably survived some really bad parenting and that is all she knows. Now that you are an adult it is your job to take care of yourself. Congratulations for recognizing what is causing you to suffer and doing everything you can to heal yourself. You only have power to change yourself. Don't waste time and energy on her. Take care of yourself. She has shown you what doesn't work for you. Let that info guide you to what does work for you.
I’ve always suspected my father of being a narcissist, he’s the embodiment of the “tyrannical father” without a doubt, at the very least. He came to my work’s shop (he’s the head supervisor for the company) and saw I was reading a psychology book inspired by Carl Jung on my lunch break. I was reading about characteristics of immature masculinity & how emotionally immature men will try to tear others down and their inputs aren’t helpful but destructive… He walked up to me and asked what I was reading, when I told him he said, “what a waste of time.” I just looked at him and laughed 😂.. the irony..
It was somewhat of a good experience learning how to tolerate it growing up with an abusive parent, it's made me realize a lot of adults are just man children where I don't need to put up with their bs and I don't feel nervous in asserting myself anymore knowing fully well in 90% of cases I'll be fine if I just talk in a calm voice calling em out it just unnerves em usually. And if it comes to something like a job if I have any solid options I'll just leave, I don't feel bad being disrespectful in return cause they asked for it.
I have been in that situation in the past. Luckily I've gotten to move out which helped put things into perspective. It doesn't actually matter what my parents' response is. And eventually they jus have to start learning to accept said choices. Or alternatively, if that never happens, that's just how it is. Unfortunately whilst I was a kid and unable to move out yet, it sure felt very different. Did not feel like bark no bite, felt like both.
I'm realizing this is also applicable to parentification too-- if youre the emotional or other kind of support for your parent, when you set boundaries, they will turn up the negative emotions, which you feel like folding on because you'd just be helping them! Which you should! And they really really would be so sad without you + will start guilting and talking down to you sometimes. I'm learning to sit w and be okay with their negative emotions
Oh man this hits close to home. When I (21 yr), want to do something my mom disagrees with, like getting a stupid piercing, she cannot sleep, her head hurts and she blames it on me. She also says that my father and her will stop paying for my university, with money which comes mostly from my father who stays quiet during these arguments. This has been going on for a while, but I started to notice it in my teens and I think it affected me pretty negatively. I started therapy last month though, so I hope it will help me sort these feelings out. Anyway, you for your videos and hang in there everyone, find help, things will get better! ❤️
Getting away is only the beginning. You have to do the hard work of undoing the brainwashing you were subjected to in your formative years. Otherwise, you will repeat the mistakes their "training" has set you up for, for the rest of your life.
easier said than done by dr k. being pulled into a dynamic is so nasty. My brother as an example.. i really feel like i need boss mob mentality everytime i have him around me. and we all know, that's not possible to be composed like that 24/7. Just one junk meal or an allnighter or a single paperwork minion and stuff will go south. So yea, getting a completely new environment would be golden, yea
That's not healthy and not true. It's always an option, but not the only one. The fault is assuming you or I have the ability to actually fix it on our own.
Asian guy here - Being the youngest and considered the "baby" of the entire (extended) family, I walk away at 18 despite being parent wish to be overly protective and controlled. The truth is that I earned the most respect because I was the one able to leave them at 18, get my own career while lived on my own and do everything with myself. The irony is that this is the way they will give you the most respect. To do something they can't do with themselves. And the moment they try to control you and tell you what to do, you can literally get up and leave them. They can do absolutely nothing against you. At best they threaten that you dishonour family blah blah blah garbage. You are the most powerful when they have absolutely nothing to control you. You don't need them. If anything, they probably need you, because you are wiser than them and know more than them. You probably earn more money than them. Especially if you start your own business or do extremely well in something that they foolishly can't see. They will come crawling back to you when you make it big, WITHOUT THEIR HELP in the first place.
I remember my first step in this Journey, when my kids psychologist told me this, but she said it better, she continuely asked me what could she do? Untill I had nothing to think of❤. That day changed my life. Thanks to her forever
Not all toxic parents are just all bark and no bite. Some bite just as hard. I had a set of parents that bit just as relentlessly and got others to do it too.
Me too. About age 40 I finally started really standing up for myself. I'm embarrassed it was so late in life and I tolerated so much from others. But when it starts at an early age (still in diapers) you just think that's how it is for you and there is nothing you can do. And having a chronic illness made it difficult to get away from home and a teenager so I gave up. But, of course, I eventually cut them off. Now I hit the other guard rail, am alone and don't trust anyone. Still better than an being around an abuser.
Cut the line, there is no between to treat them. You must be so decisive for your inner child. It’s time to protect your inner child from them. Be decisive with your own NO.
Negative emotion from others has controlled me all my life until I found therapy. I'm the poster child of a people pleaser. It sucks! My parents are dead but I walked away from 2 adult kids. Still get the shakes when conflict happens anywhere near me but feeling better in myself for walking away.
With all the love I can muster. I will never tolerate somebody else's bad behavior and poor decision. I will remove myself and let them sort out their own emotions. It is not my job to tolerate anyone.
I wanted to help clarify because I had this reaction too at first and then realized what was actually meant- it isn't that you sit around letting your parents nag you and "tolerate" it, it's that if your parents have ingrained in you, "if you do XYZ, I will be upset/disappointed/etc", you get to a place where you're ok with the idea of your parents being upset/disappointed/etc. Which can include physically leaving the space or ending a conversation if they cross a boundary, because that's essentially saying "I'm caring for myself and my boundaries and I'm holding firm in that even if it makes you upset". Essentially unless you can tolerate knowing someone's not happy with you, you'll bend over backwards to make them happy and that's not healthy (which it sounds like you agree with). I think it should have been worded better tho I think this is a clip from a longer video that likely would have been clearer.
Can you make a video about NPD and narcissism, maybe in collaboration with Dr. Mark Ettensohn (Heal NPD), because everytime it's about toxic relationships I see people heavily misusing and stigmatizing those terms
And what if ure scared and disordered bc that little (misallocated/disproportionate)"disappointment" and anger is what makes her actually physically harm you? like destroying personal belongings and just substantial personal deprivation and abuse?
Alas yeah sometimes you kind of have to have to "compromise" a losing fight until your opportunity to finally escape arises. Just staying sane for months or years on end can be a lot to recover from.
I feel like it was different for me. I lived till 20 constantly fearing that they would throw me out of the house. At that point it isn’t just bark, what I’m ultimately afraid of is bite 🤷♀️ Even at 27 when I had built a life of my own, I had gone to visit them for a few months. All I had said was that the food at home wasn’t suiting my nutritional needs so I’ll get meal services. Yes there’s a huge problem at home for inconsistent and unhealthy food. I’ve been given pancakes and raita (savoury curd dip with onions) to eat. The fact that these two dishes aren’t even from the same continent is secondary, it was not a complete meal. One thing led to another and my dad asked me to leave the house. Then I started packing, because this time, I could actually go somewhere and survive. Realising which he came to apologise. My fear of bite was clearly warranted. So my dad wasn’t narcissistic then? My mom was?
Except when the mother is a narcissist. She will be negative 24/7, that is *not* healthy to be around. You cannot unwind years of being raised in and around abuse.
and then the people who always bark and forget to bite, learn what a bite actually is again when you've had enough. Cause not only do they forget how to bite, they also forget how to deal with a bite
Man, you did not need to call me out like that dude. I am so senitive to negative emotion from friends and my husband that i do not know what to do. I feel incredibly stuck becyase for almost 19 years my mother made my life a living hell and all i could do was prepare is this gonna be a terrible day or will this be okish.
Why you doing this to yourself???Why you allowing other people to 💩 on you???Life is short and you have just one shot so put yourself tougher and start to live your life.And if you don’t want to do something to others then don’t do it.Learn to say NO without guilt.From now you are your priority.Good like .Keep strong head up.With practice you will build stronger you
Oh they bite pretty hard too especially at a young age. Then later they bite via screaming and other scary behaviors. With that conditioning so deeply embedded the bark is way more effective well into adulthood.
Maybe because I am used to be yelled at, i learned how to shut off my brain when people yell at me. Seriously I don't care if your words are useful or not. If you can't talk like a civilized person, then don't talk at all.
I left my home at 20 and never looked back ack.I respect my parents but come on my mum is another level.I know she had hard childhood but this should make her more aware how kids feel when things are bad and specially when parents turn against own kids.I do believe I won life lottery and from my 3 siblings only me have stable family .I am visiting my family every year but not for long .It’s nice being together but for short time.I feel like people can’t stand each other ,listen the same BS knowing that another year has passed and nothing has changed at home made me satisfied that I left so early.
My mother was abusive, i used to always treat her like a moron. I wish i didn't as much since it wasn't helping anyone, now we've become better at tolerating eachother and others, some more than others.
I wouldn't call my mother toxic, but her ways with the words are too agressive even if she doesn't mean to. What Dr. K said is the exact thing my psychologist told me.
I love that ❤ But when I watched this now I thought noooooo. Tolerate disappointment is exactly what I don't wanna do 😭😭 That's why it's true though I guess.
What if like half the time parents don’t even know, even though it’s their responsibility? IMO what if it’s up to each subject of their treatment, not necessarily victim, to potentially be the bigger adult and not resent them or resort to harboring negative emotions and thoughts turning into beliefs, like, beyond what is in this video. Tolerance of the vocal words and tone received. The test is if you can still believe you Love your parent afterwards even if you express all of this to them and it’s not tolerated by them. Sometimes, Dunning Kruger and give them a break, like congrats you know better than an older parent who put in more time and has some more experiences than you. Also, some parents are just bad parents, and I feel for their kids, children or adults.
I wish I saw this video before I spent 3 years on therapy out of my own pocket because my mom was both a narcissist and "so stressed out" by paying her taxes that she just evaded them for years. Rest in peace health insurance.
How can we tolerate the negative emotions from our end? How is it possible if I’m kind of a rebellious person and the thing is I’ve become like this because of these issues only….explain more?
This guys energy is so sweet innocent loving cute amazing freindly and educational😂❤🎉 what the fuck a went from not wanting to be here to laughing smiling , God Bless You Doctor!😂🎉❤😅😊
That was true for my husband controlling me. I am not perfect yet but am much better at saying what I need to say. Ironically, he is getting much better at listening.
How do I determine whether a person is more bark than bite or there might be some real consequences? Including they talk about me badly (without proof) to my superiors?
As a teacher they said I needed to be able to get my students back in line with just a look. I never figured it out. How I was supppposed to contain and keep 30 hormone infused middle schoolers safe and learning without hating who I had become...
OK, but what if the bark IS ACTUALLY the bite? Like barking really loud really angrily in your ears for more than 40 minutes on end for any stupid shit? How can someone tolerate that? And the dog doesn't even get tired, actually the opposite, like it never happened
Always blaming the mother. My mother was a saint. Father was the monster. Instead of talking about the mother, he should talk about the toxic parent, whatever their gender.
The nagging and yelling is still considered stress that is negatively affecting her health, which I don’t want to happen. In this case it is a “bite”, but to her rather than me. Since I care a lot about her health, that controls me.
@@HealthySelfHealthyWorldLLC I can see the confusion and agree it should have been worded better but the thing to tolerate is knowing the parent is frustrated/upset, not particular actions that violate boundaries. There are some people who logistically can't distance themselves from parents but for those who can, the parents' main recourse is telling them how upset/disappointed/angry they are with the child. This often triggers the child to take action to try to mitigate these parents' feelings. But if you as the child can tolerate knowing that your parent disapproves of you without rushing to make it better, that psychological hold will be broken. If that situation seems unfamiliar to you, this advice probably just isn't relevant either, but in a lot of Asian households, there is a lot of pressure growing up to please parents, and it can be the hardest to escape because you take that with you even when you walk away and leave home
@@superaarthibhaiii… I truly wish I was unfamiliar 😆 🙏🏽❤️🩹 While I get the ingrained and age-old concept of titiksha, what I tend to take away from many who speak on forbearance is how unhinged they can become when stressed. Tolerating abuse in any form (especially when we can’t control it) leads to youth seeking any kind of control in another form. I’m sure you know when I’m going with that… 💔
So why don’t I just said her this? There is a respect earned for being your partner period (it’s biological). Also struggle is good, it’s what made you make a TikTok and have content to talk about😊
Now most the children who watched this video will misunderstand and think their parents are toxic.Dont do that,tolerating your parents a little bit is fine, don't try to push them to perfection.
The most important parenting advice my father gave me was that both as parent and as an adult my most important skill will be being able to disappoint a child. I must be willing to say no, to be the bad guy, to listen the child crying and resist the impulse to put an end to it. At the moment I fail at that, I've failed that child. Sadly it looks like some children also have to learn that skill with their parents.
I was raised by narcissistic, controlling and highly manipulative parents, and this is exactly right. It only took me 40 years, but I finally stood up to my mother (who ran the family - in a respectful way), put boundaries in place and finally had to walk away. But the first step was learning that she was all "bark". That was the most terrifying thing for me, and how she had controlled me all these years. She still tries to send me an email once a year victimizing herself and trying to manipulate me, but I just delete it and move on with my day. It's hard to learn this, but it is very rewarding to have the freedom to choose.
You're do Great, Thanks for Sharing it's 😊
Same here my mother was the same and also sends me very toxic emails I just immediately delete. I'm proud of you for going that hard step keep on enjoying a life without toxicity 💚
I’m not going to act like I know what you’ve gone through, but it seems you and I are similar in parental experiences. I’m still in touch with my Dad, but I am away from my Mom. And I couldn’t be happier. It’s amazing and scary to be away from the narcissistic, borderline tyrannical environment, and finally see with clarity all the horrible things my mother has done. I hope you’re doing much much better today, man.
Don't feel bad, I had a narcissist with NPD and a father that was also narcisstic. I just stayed locked in my bedroom as a teen. She wasn't going to brutalize my mind. Unfortunately because of the bullying amd not knowing how to respond I allowed other people to do it. She was horrible and destroyed the entire family. This isn't just about negative emotion, it's about someone constantly putting you and others down all the time. You can't ask for anything because the answer will always be no.
Imagine your husband allowing and encouraging them to then do it to your wife. I didn't realize people got this sick. And still want to be perceived as 'great'
At my big age of 43, I finally kicked the habit of trying to "earn" my mother's love. No hard feelings towards her. I'm just refocusing my energy.
Well good. I left home at 17. So made my children responsible for themselves. Both doing well
My Son sends pics, shares time when on the road ever so often. Advised me a bit buying a car. I don’t interfere with his family. His wife takes care of him, boy 7, girl 8. Have to let boys go to grow up or it would mess them up. My girl busy too and remarried w/ 13,22 girls & his twin boys n older Sis. Sir, you make time for yourself and provide. Love YOUR Family as it’s Your turn now. God bless!
When you still live together and can't run away yet, it's all bark and bite unfortunately. And the biting hurts waaayy into adulthood, still recovering, 15 years later.
exactly.
Currently learning this now, in my late twenties. Please wish me luck and good health.
Wishing you luck and prosperity bro. Keep it up
You’ll do great ! I promise you this big effort you’re making into learning how to deal with that type of stuff will pay off with peace and a better life you created for yourself ❤️ only be patient with yourself while you do it 🫂
Learn about narcissistic abuse and cluster b personality disorders and you will understand your parent
Walk away, break the cycle. Just because they brought you into this world does not mean they get to keep you. You're already doing better by accepting your worth. ❤
Agreed. Walk away. You owe them nothing -- they brought you into the world, and you are their genetic and cultural legacy, so it is actually more their responsibility to make sure you succeed and want to carry on their legacy. (Contrary to common interpretations of a certain saying from the Bible.)
Fortunately I'm "obstinate" and intolerant enough of attempted manipulation, and had an option to go live with my dad instead, such that I got away before the end of HS, and never gave any further validity to her methods. However, it still took another 20+ years to gain enough insight and confidence to handle the inappropriate methods of interaction -- laugh them off or actively contradict them -- rather than just ignore/avoid the manipulation.
And most likely many of us were just conceived by accident.
This makes sense to me- I'm 36 now, financially independent and living with my partner and haven't lived with my parents in years. My parents don't like my choices- they feel that I'm floundering in my career, they disapprove of my partner, and criticize my body and self-expression. But they can't *force* me to change any of those things, I know that and they know that. I *want* them to accept me as I am and I wish I could have the supportive family dynamics I see other people enjoying, but if I can get to a place where I don't *need* their acceptance, then I can stop letting them make me feel small, and that's at least something. Tolerating their negative feelings doesn't feel good or even sound like it would be but when the alternative is tolerating their control on your life choices, that's much worse.
This is literally my mother you're describing. Except she does have some bite, like withdrawing financial support for my essential medications, as she did just today. I hate her so much but I can't afford to move out.
:(
That may be criminally abusive. You should seek legal advice. And if she's claiming you as a dependent for tax purposes, she could find herself with another big problem.
That is emotional abuse
I know it rough out here, but living with a narcissistic parent is NOT an option, move into your car if you have to, you can get discounted medication coupons with the singlecare app, if you live in a blue state you can apply for state health insurance
Call ADULT SERVICES - see if they can get you into a rented room or studio. Trump is prez now and republicans are not a fan of social supports so I don’t know if it’ll be available but try.
I kinda discovered this on my own as a teenager, but I went all the way and did everything in my power to dissapoint/annoy them. Did exactly the opposite of what they say. Probably not the healthy way to do it, but it helped me not depend on their opinion...
I'm teenager too and doing same as you did for few years it indeed helped create my independent self
i made my parents proud all my childhood... it's all I ever cared for... when i didn't, i realized that there wasn't much difference either way so i stoped caring
Yeah. I stopped tolerating her shit and instead of asking what has changed within me, she went on to how I would be forever alone and defenseless if she were to die from the “sadness” I make her feel. She knows damn well I was diagnosed with major depression in summer too. Why are they like this??
Terrified of being alone (with themselves) so they emotionally cripple people (especially offspring & spouses) so they can't leave them.
Just my observations*
Also hate feeling small or stupid so they make other ppl feel that way so there's always someone around them who they can feel better or smarter than by comparison
People don't like losing power. Check out extinction burst.
I’ll be so real , yo momma insane gang. Time to dip 💯
Please understand that your mother probably survived some really bad parenting and that is all she knows. Now that you are an adult it is your job to take care of yourself. Congratulations for recognizing what is causing you to suffer and doing everything you can to heal yourself. You only have power to change yourself. Don't waste time and energy on her. Take care of yourself. She has shown you what doesn't work for you. Let that info guide you to what does work for you.
I’ve always suspected my father of being a narcissist, he’s the embodiment of the “tyrannical father” without a doubt, at the very least.
He came to my work’s shop (he’s the head supervisor for the company) and saw I was reading a psychology book inspired by Carl Jung on my lunch break.
I was reading about characteristics of immature masculinity & how emotionally immature men will try to tear others down and their inputs aren’t helpful but destructive…
He walked up to me and asked what I was reading, when I told him he said, “what a waste of time.”
I just looked at him and laughed 😂..
the irony..
You laughing is immature tbh. Just say “no it isn’t”
Lmao like there's a point@p.p.8624
@ 😂 that’s gotta be rage bait lol
What an asshole. He should have praised you for reading instead of looking at your phone like everyone else does :(
@@DiscipleLuke no bro, you are ironically reading a book about characteristics of immature masculinity while you display them yourself.
It was somewhat of a good experience learning how to tolerate it growing up with an abusive parent, it's made me realize a lot of adults are just man children where I don't need to put up with their bs and I don't feel nervous in asserting myself anymore knowing fully well in 90% of cases I'll be fine if I just talk in a calm voice calling em out it just unnerves em usually. And if it comes to something like a job if I have any solid options I'll just leave, I don't feel bad being disrespectful in return cause they asked for it.
I have been in that situation in the past. Luckily I've gotten to move out which helped put things into perspective. It doesn't actually matter what my parents' response is. And eventually they jus have to start learning to accept said choices. Or alternatively, if that never happens, that's just how it is.
Unfortunately whilst I was a kid and unable to move out yet, it sure felt very different. Did not feel like bark no bite, felt like both.
I'm realizing this is also applicable to parentification too-- if youre the emotional or other kind of support for your parent, when you set boundaries, they will turn up the negative emotions, which you feel like folding on because you'd just be helping them! Which you should! And they really really would be so sad without you + will start guilting and talking down to you sometimes. I'm learning to sit w and be okay with their negative emotions
Oh man this hits close to home. When I (21 yr), want to do something my mom disagrees with, like getting a stupid piercing, she cannot sleep, her head hurts and she blames it on me. She also says that my father and her will stop paying for my university, with money which comes mostly from my father who stays quiet during these arguments. This has been going on for a while, but I started to notice it in my teens and I think it affected me pretty negatively. I started therapy last month though, so I hope it will help me sort these feelings out. Anyway, you for your videos and hang in there everyone, find help, things will get better! ❤️
You have to get away. There is no fixing them.
Getting away is only the beginning. You have to do the hard work of undoing the brainwashing you were subjected to in your formative years. Otherwise, you will repeat the mistakes their "training" has set you up for, for the rest of your life.
This.
What if u cant
easier said than done by dr k. being pulled into a dynamic is so nasty. My brother as an example.. i really feel like i need boss mob mentality everytime i have him around me. and we all know, that's not possible to be composed like that 24/7. Just one junk meal or an allnighter or a single paperwork minion and stuff will go south.
So yea, getting a completely new environment would be golden, yea
That's not healthy and not true. It's always an option, but not the only one. The fault is assuming you or I have the ability to actually fix it on our own.
Learning about narcissistic abuse and cluster b personality disorders was literally the most important thing I've ever done for myself
Asian guy here - Being the youngest and considered the "baby" of the entire (extended) family, I walk away at 18 despite being parent wish to be overly protective and controlled. The truth is that I earned the most respect because I was the one able to leave them at 18, get my own career while lived on my own and do everything with myself. The irony is that this is the way they will give you the most respect. To do something they can't do with themselves. And the moment they try to control you and tell you what to do, you can literally get up and leave them. They can do absolutely nothing against you. At best they threaten that you dishonour family blah blah blah garbage. You are the most powerful when they have absolutely nothing to control you. You don't need them. If anything, they probably need you, because you are wiser than them and know more than them. You probably earn more money than them. Especially if you start your own business or do extremely well in something that they foolishly can't see. They will come crawling back to you when you make it big, WITHOUT THEIR HELP in the first place.
Emotional resilience and the art of listening
The problem is when you’ve already mastered that but you got misinformed people who want to assist that deranged and toxic parent in their nagging
i dont thing so, when other people got misinformed an talk to me its just like them passing a message, not realy talking their opinion
@ alright buddy, don’t spill your applesauce
This
Flying monkeys
Flying monkeys
I remember my first step in this Journey, when my kids psychologist told me this, but she said it better, she continuely asked me what could she do? Untill I had nothing to think of❤. That day changed my life. Thanks to her forever
Dr. K reading my mind right now and sending me the perfect short
Not all toxic parents are just all bark and no bite. Some bite just as hard.
I had a set of parents that bit just as relentlessly and got others to do it too.
Me too. About age 40 I finally started really standing up for myself. I'm embarrassed it was so late in life and I tolerated so much from others. But when it starts at an early age (still in diapers) you just think that's how it is for you and there is nothing you can do. And having a chronic illness made it difficult to get away from home and a teenager so I gave up. But, of course, I eventually cut them off. Now I hit the other guard rail, am alone and don't trust anyone. Still better than an being around an abuser.
So so true.If only people realise this then they would live happier life ,their own life not the parents life.❤
Cut the line, there is no between to treat them. You must be so decisive for your inner child. It’s time to protect your inner child from them. Be decisive with your own NO.
My mother has always been the kindest ever❤️
You are so lucky ❤😂
Wish I could say that. Cherish her.
Thanks for everything your videos are amazing
and this makes you stronger and able to move on to bigger and more relevant battles.❤
Negative emotion from others has controlled me all my life until I found therapy. I'm the poster child of a people pleaser. It sucks! My parents are dead but I walked away from 2 adult kids. Still get the shakes when conflict happens anywhere near me but feeling better in myself for walking away.
With all the love I can muster. I will never tolerate somebody else's bad behavior and poor decision. I will remove myself and let them sort out their own emotions. It is not my job to tolerate anyone.
I wanted to help clarify because I had this reaction too at first and then realized what was actually meant- it isn't that you sit around letting your parents nag you and "tolerate" it, it's that if your parents have ingrained in you, "if you do XYZ, I will be upset/disappointed/etc", you get to a place where you're ok with the idea of your parents being upset/disappointed/etc. Which can include physically leaving the space or ending a conversation if they cross a boundary, because that's essentially saying "I'm caring for myself and my boundaries and I'm holding firm in that even if it makes you upset". Essentially unless you can tolerate knowing someone's not happy with you, you'll bend over backwards to make them happy and that's not healthy (which it sounds like you agree with).
I think it should have been worded better tho I think this is a clip from a longer video that likely would have been clearer.
Can you make a video about NPD and narcissism, maybe in collaboration with Dr. Mark Ettensohn (Heal NPD), because everytime it's about toxic relationships I see people heavily misusing and stigmatizing those terms
And what if ure scared and disordered bc that little (misallocated/disproportionate)"disappointment" and anger is what makes her actually physically harm you? like destroying personal belongings and just substantial personal deprivation and abuse?
Jokes on you. You ignore them and then they get physical.
Alas yeah sometimes you kind of have to have to "compromise" a losing fight until your opportunity to finally escape arises. Just staying sane for months or years on end can be a lot to recover from.
I feel like it was different for me. I lived till 20 constantly fearing that they would throw me out of the house. At that point it isn’t just bark, what I’m ultimately afraid of is bite 🤷♀️
Even at 27 when I had built a life of my own, I had gone to visit them for a few months. All I had said was that the food at home wasn’t suiting my nutritional needs so I’ll get meal services.
Yes there’s a huge problem at home for inconsistent and unhealthy food. I’ve been given pancakes and raita (savoury curd dip with onions) to eat. The fact that these two dishes aren’t even from the same continent is secondary, it was not a complete meal.
One thing led to another and my dad asked me to leave the house. Then I started packing, because this time, I could actually go somewhere and survive. Realising which he came to apologise. My fear of bite was clearly warranted.
So my dad wasn’t narcissistic then? My mom was?
Interesting, never thought about it this way 🤔 ,thank you doctor ❤
Except when the mother is a narcissist. She will be negative 24/7, that is *not* healthy to be around. You cannot unwind years of being raised in and around abuse.
Yes, you can. But it takes hard work to undo the brain washing. It took years to get that way. It takes years to fully get free of it.
@@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry it's literally impossible to undo the damage caused in childhood
@@nonameismyname61354 If that's your attitude then I suppose it may well be, for you.
@@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry are mental disorders like generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, cptsd reversible?
This plays a huge role into our deeply systemic problems in American society today.
Thank You 🙏
I had a friend whose mother forbade him to date in high school. After an argument he went on a date,. She committed suicide.
Talk about dramatic! What kind of culture is this?
Yes that is típically a narc. I know one who made the same
and then the people who always bark and forget to bite, learn what a bite actually is again when you've had enough. Cause not only do they forget how to bite, they also forget how to deal with a bite
I'll be so pissed at myself if I'm still controlling my kid's lives when they're 25. That's a huge failure.
Always enjoy your suggestions so much! 🎉
How do we learn to tolerate other people's negative emotions?
U nailed it. My dad demonstrated exactly how to tune "the old lady" out. 😅
@@brianimoto4634 it's exactly what my dad is teaching me right now XD
amazing break down. I understand.
Never saw it that way, had a conversation with my mum about this, I'm learning to tolerate this.....im 25 too....
Now thats a good perspective
Man, you did not need to call me out like that dude. I am so senitive to negative emotion from friends and my husband that i do not know what to do. I feel incredibly stuck becyase for almost 19 years my mother made my life a living hell and all i could do was prepare is this gonna be a terrible day or will this be okish.
We will surely get over it dont worry. A day at time. You can talk to me. I fight everyday with the feeling you describe
Why you doing this to yourself???Why you allowing other people to 💩 on you???Life is short and you have just one shot so put yourself tougher and start to live your life.And if you don’t want to do something to others then don’t do it.Learn to say NO without guilt.From now you are your priority.Good like .Keep strong head up.With practice you will build stronger you
Correct I am getting it down with both Mt parents
Oh they bite pretty hard too especially at a young age. Then later they bite via screaming and other scary behaviors. With that conditioning so deeply embedded the bark is way more effective well into adulthood.
Maybe because I am used to be yelled at, i learned how to shut off my brain when people yell at me. Seriously I don't care if your words are useful or not. If you can't talk like a civilized person, then don't talk at all.
I left my home at 20 and never looked back ack.I respect my parents but come on my mum is another level.I know she had hard childhood but this should make her more aware how kids feel when things are bad and specially when parents turn against own kids.I do believe I won life lottery and from my 3 siblings only me have stable family .I am visiting my family every year but not for long .It’s nice being together but for short time.I feel like people can’t stand each other ,listen the same BS knowing that another year has passed and nothing has changed at home made me satisfied that I left so early.
waaaow!!🎉 you just made my left over years 😅
I took this approach when I came out to my parents
People, this is huge! 😮
My mother was abusive, i used to always treat her like a moron. I wish i didn't as much since it wasn't helping anyone, now we've become better at tolerating eachother and others, some more than others.
I wouldn't call my mother toxic, but her ways with the words are too agressive even if she doesn't mean to.
What Dr. K said is the exact thing my psychologist told me.
Spooky how accurate this is.
Terimakasih ilmunya 😊
No, keep a distance from her or him.
It's hard when they bite you too
I love that ❤ But when I watched this now I thought noooooo. Tolerate disappointment is exactly what I don't wanna do 😭😭 That's why it's true though I guess.
What if like half the time parents don’t even know, even though it’s their responsibility? IMO what if it’s up to each subject of their treatment, not necessarily victim, to potentially be the bigger adult and not resent them or resort to harboring negative emotions and thoughts turning into beliefs, like, beyond what is in this video. Tolerance of the vocal words and tone received. The test is if you can still believe you Love your parent afterwards even if you express all of this to them and it’s not tolerated by them. Sometimes, Dunning Kruger and give them a break, like congrats you know better than an older parent who put in more time and has some more experiences than you. Also, some parents are just bad parents, and I feel for their kids, children or adults.
Walk away from shitty toxic parents DO NOT tolerate it for a second longer
I wonder what happens to kids where tje parents actually bite and not just bark.
That's an entirely separate issue.
When you don’t react to it all of a sudden you are “cold” and “not human”
I wish I saw this video before I spent 3 years on therapy out of my own pocket because my mom was both a narcissist and "so stressed out" by paying her taxes that she just evaded them for years. Rest in peace health insurance.
How can we tolerate the negative emotions from our end? How is it possible if I’m kind of a rebellious person and the thing is I’ve become like this because of these issues only….explain more?
Amen.
Not all moms are like this.
"They're more bark than bite"
*Gets hit with bark* /s
This guys energy is so sweet innocent loving cute amazing freindly and educational😂❤🎉 what the fuck a went from not wanting to be here to laughing smiling , God Bless You Doctor!😂🎉❤😅😊
...happens still and it not soo much the mom.. it's how my Dad backs up her toxic weak bite.. and then get at me... when she even goes at him..
That was true for my husband controlling me. I am not perfect yet but am much better at saying what I need to say. Ironically, he is getting much better at listening.
I speak to my mother once a year for this exact reason. Simply to ask for my taxes to be filed by her personal accountant.
Wven knowing that, being able to toperate it is so hard... it feels almost impossible.
My siblings and I have the same strategy with the NPD traits of our family members. ignore ignore ignore!
How do I determine whether a person is more bark than bite or there might be some real consequences? Including they talk about me badly (without proof) to my superiors?
I just gaslighted myself into having an massive ego and don't care about my parents anymore.
And that is why she can be mad and stay mad. Be as upset as she likes and go on as many tangents as she likes. Nobody has time for that.
As a teacher they said I needed to be able to get my students back in line with just a look. I never figured it out. How I was supppposed to contain and keep 30 hormone infused middle schoolers safe and learning without hating who I had become...
Dad. My mom was a saint. She survived my dad.
OK, but what if the bark IS ACTUALLY the bite? Like barking really loud really angrily in your ears for more than 40 minutes on end for any stupid shit? How can someone tolerate that? And the dog doesn't even get tired, actually the opposite, like it never happened
my mother shout at me for at least 10 days straight for breaking just one cup. I feel that is worst than a dog bite..
TLDR: “how to deal with toxic parents: be toxic”
True
How to tolerate?
Brilliant
Always blaming the mother. My mother was a saint. Father was the monster. Instead of talking about the mother, he should talk about the toxic parent, whatever their gender.
Just tolerate
The nagging and yelling is still considered stress that is negatively affecting her health, which I don’t want to happen. In this case it is a “bite”, but to her rather than me. Since I care a lot about her health, that controls me.
Barks feel like bites, even from a distance.
thanos snap your boundaries back
No thanks. 🛑 This sounds like early-days advice people used to give to domestic violence victims. “Just tolerate it…”
@@HealthySelfHealthyWorldLLC I can see the confusion and agree it should have been worded better but the thing to tolerate is knowing the parent is frustrated/upset, not particular actions that violate boundaries.
There are some people who logistically can't distance themselves from parents but for those who can, the parents' main recourse is telling them how upset/disappointed/angry they are with the child. This often triggers the child to take action to try to mitigate these parents' feelings. But if you as the child can tolerate knowing that your parent disapproves of you without rushing to make it better, that psychological hold will be broken.
If that situation seems unfamiliar to you, this advice probably just isn't relevant either, but in a lot of Asian households, there is a lot of pressure growing up to please parents, and it can be the hardest to escape because you take that with you even when you walk away and leave home
@@superaarthibhaiii… I truly wish I was unfamiliar 😆 🙏🏽❤️🩹 While I get the ingrained and age-old concept of titiksha, what I tend to take away from many who speak on forbearance is how unhinged they can become when stressed. Tolerating abuse in any form (especially when we can’t control it) leads to youth seeking any kind of control in another form. I’m sure you know when I’m going with that… 💔
So why don’t I just said her this? There is a respect earned for being your partner period (it’s biological). Also struggle is good, it’s what made you make a TikTok and have content to talk about😊
LOOK AT ME
I AM THE CAPTAIN NOW
Now most the children who watched this video will misunderstand and think their parents are toxic.Dont do that,tolerating your parents a little bit is fine, don't try to push them to perfection.
The most important parenting advice my father gave me was that both as parent and as an adult my most important skill will be being able to disappoint a child. I must be willing to say no, to be the bad guy, to listen the child crying and resist the impulse to put an end to it. At the moment I fail at that, I've failed that child.
Sadly it looks like some children also have to learn that skill with their parents.
and what if actualy parents bite ?
Ditto
fucking perfect