This is so true ... one time i had a boyfriend (2 years) he never got angry he was the most peace human being i ever met in my life. Before me he only had one woman (he was 38 when we met). So in a way i could deal with him and so i could deal with myself (better) it was, now i look back at it, the most happiest time in my life..❤ All other relationships were demonic (sure because of what i did but also because of the mirror) I am a 47 year young lady and i have BPD and adhd. Life is hard on me and i am hard on others and myself but since a few months i got medication and i follow the dialectical program ❤ 19 of april 2021 i found out i have adhd-i and since 3 months i know about my bpd. Work hard,believe, trust, medication,rest,work out and read and listen as much as you can about your illness😊 Peace and love from Amsterdam
Dr. K can you make the links stuff (like on description) to be able to be translated? Mobile phones do not make links clickable, but I've seen that making the link be able to be translated makes the link clickable.
@@Liz-dragon-street. I totally agree with this stance. They are like a one year old emotionally, never do what they say but empathize and use language that shows understanding... Even when they speak like a dictator
I’m gonna add this in: Don’t feel like it’s your responsibility to stick around for them. Stick around for you if you think it can work. They’re human and deserving, but so are you, and if you’re not in for that then get out for the benefit of both of you.
@@praba991ify if the relationship is toxic and damaging because they aren’t prepared for the realities of each other and don’t earnestly believe they can work on it, then yes they should in fact split up. Grow up
@@praba991ify The same logic can be applied to you, you're the reason people kill themselfes because of staying in toxic relationships. Sounds dumb now, huh?
don't leave over something capricious or a really bad day, but don't be afraid to leave if it's truly not working out. sometimes it actually is best for both of you to find other people
analyze the situation rationally to determine if this relationship is producing the best outcome for both of you. don't let them threatening to kill themselves or anything like that hold you hostage when you really need to leave. they're deserving of love and stability, but so are you. it's not your job to fix them; you're not capable of fixing them. when making this decision, try to see whether this relationship is positively impacting both of your lives, not whether the sex is good, or whether they're affectionate, but whether 10 years from now, when all is said and done, will you be in a better position in life from having committed, or having left? if they're stagnating and they have no commitment to improving themselves or their situation, and you're trying to grow, then it is 100% fine for you to leave.
Right. My problem is, when I leave she follows. Due to them having abandonment issues, she stays persistent. Im honestly at the point in my life where, Im growing and she's stagnant. I honestly want to find someone else.
@@johnnyp3839 Then proceed, sadly she will not stop till an external reason happens such as another person or a certain experience happens, hardly will happen by her own decision or will, but if theres nothing left on you, just go on, good luck.
The advice is true but analyze whether you're truly doing it out of love. Remember, its a relationship not a charity. If you're genuinely miserable it might be time to cut things off.
@@noidsuper No doubt. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD. I've been patient but it's literally a struggle. Not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do personally after working. I love & took my vows with her seriously but it's getting more tough.
@@BonBonGallore Thanks. Appreciate the feedback. From what I've researched, 2 to 3 sessions a week of phycotherapy for the rest of ones life with a legit mental health therapist is what it takes for a person with BPD to get the help they need.
i have bpd and even if it was really hard, i managed to make 4 year old long distance relationship work and i'm currently living with my partner it still feels surreal
i also got bpd but im sadly still in the waters being tossed here and there it sucks but all i can do right now is work on myself and find someone better
For people asking how they did it, I will assume their partner is like mine: Stable, level-headed and kind. If you suffer with BPD, you need to find someone who is healthy-minded and loving. So many of these comments paint ppl with BPD as abusers, which some can be. For me, it made me a victim. I'm sensitive to love-bombing and fell for it every time, I ended up the victim and this is the case for most people with BPD and this can be what makes them paranoid, untrusting of future partners etc. I know for a fact that lying physically pains my partner, he cannot do it. If I find a paranoid thought popping into my head, it isn't even an issue for him bc I know not to trust the thought. He'd tell me if he wanted to leave, he'd tell me if he made a mistake that might affect our relationship. Remember, BPD-sufferers are trauma survivors. We don't demonize people diagnosed with PTSD, even though it has been known to make some people violent and abusive as a result of their trauma. We aren't bad people, nobody is. People make silly choices and hopefully they learn from it. Having BPD doesn't mean you can't have healthy relationships. In fact, once you start healing, you realise that all you can afford to have are healthy relationships. Some of the more mature people (40+ yrs old) you come across who seem to have nothing but lovely people around them were likely in the same boat as us once upon a time. They took it upon themselves to heal and be choosy about who surrounds them bc they knew that was the only way to be truly happy. Take care everybody!
As someone who has BPD, surrounded by close people suffering from it, I'd like to thank you for this way of approaching the subject. It is an illness very stigmatized and living with it is far from being easy, but it's not something that makes automatically the person evil or abusive. The key for me has been understanding that all of the suffering coming from the emotional dysregulation doesn't justify hurting others; after a rant, or a crisis we must take accountability for our actions but at the same time try to validate our emotions. Yes, we're learning, we're trying to do better, but if we start to half-apologize and justify our behaviour we're allowing for it to happen again.
This is the way. What you describe is exceedingly difficult, and a constant practice, but it is the key to a more fulfilling life. You are awesome, internet stranger! I hope great joy comes your way.
in order not to let it turn into a crisis again, you may first have to be aware of your own emotions. But I think that is a bit difficult if everything depends so much on the outside. real adult intimacy and no mutual energy balance. When one takes and the other keeps giving and it doesn't help the bpd's to feel secure, result fore the partner, endlessly giving. . how should a partner keep up this relationship, without getting a burn out?
@@maritmeijer8269 I dont think that the way to make things work is by endlessly giving. Everyone should be responsible for their own emotions. If we talk about a crisis, for example, there's so much emotion that it cant be regulated psychologically, being with your partner at that moment won't be enough. It's something you should discuss with your partner first but the way to start to make things better is starting by changing the state of the body, i.e. a cold shower for 20', sport, breathing, and the partner can accompany the person going through the crisis by helping them following the steps to get there. It's not easy, and obviously if it starts being to much of a weight for you, you have to prioritize yourself, but there are ways to make it work out
It was so intense to spend time with diagnosed BPD girl that I was suddenly out of nowhere crying, even though I am a stable person and crying is very rare for me. It is so sad
I could relate. My boyfriend with BPD was the only one who made me cry for two weeks straight. I'm glad we're making progress. I just react less and choose peace, and it's so much better.
I think that has less to do with their BPD and more to die with their action. You should not be suddenly out of nowhere crying. There’s a reason for that your avoiding
I do not argue with the statement that they will be stable if you are stable. They will make you unstable and make things even more unstable for both. The BPD person need to also fight to make things happen. It feels horrible that instead of being both against the world, it is one against the world AND the BPD. Help the FP to love you. Cause it hurts A LOT.
I had this attitude, dated a lady with bpd for 2 years. I’m still in therapy over the time I spent with her. Understand that the lows might involve abusive behaviour and being cheated on. The degree of volatility can be frankly traumatic. Man was she great when things were good though.
Yeah, as a person with BPD, you do not have to put up with THAT. That’s just toxic AF. That’s not what he means by “ride the rollercoaster”. Not if it means a toxic relationship. We aren’t all like this!
I hate this stigma. I have a friend who has BPD and she tries really hard to get better. Works on her self and the symptoms have been seen less and less. Shes really trying and I am so happy for that. What I hate is jerks who stop talking to her if she tells them she has this dissorder. People assume the worst and its horrible. People in the comments saying they arent deserving of love make me so mad.
None of us asked for this and the heavy stigma doesn't help. I wish people would understand that we're already in enough pain and struggle enough with hating ourselves. We have a hard enough time on our own. One look at the statistics will show that. Best of luck to your friend, there are people out there that are more patient and understanding and will be a better partner to her than the people she's been running into. Being open about mental health is a good thing, I hope she doesn't get scared into keeping it hidden.
Not bpd, but another disorder that affects my mood. My boyfriend fully accepts my ups and downs. He doesn't try to force them to change, he just rides the wave with me and mellows me as much as he can. It's actually really refreshing, because past relationships always tried to force my emotions, which just lead me to get super angry. I warned him before we started dating and told him if he ever needs a break, if he ever needs out he can. I will not judge him. He should never feel like I am his responsibility and he needs to stay with me as am obligation. He's honestly my rock now. And getting a little "hey honey, did you do your breathing exercises yet?" can go such a long way. And if it's really bad, sometimes he just hugs me really close and goes "breath" and it works.
Don’t know anything ab your situation but he seems great. if you don’t already, since you have a disorder that affects mood try to make sure if your down and get on him ab stuff or act poorly towards him to try to take notice of how you acted, or stuff you said you didn’t mean and acknowledge it and apologize if it’s required . My last long relationship was with someone dealing with a couple disorders and she never took accountability for her words and actions so I ended up feeling like I was the problem. it means alot if you can see it and recognize if your treating someone unfairly .( not trying to assume how you act and such just a thought to help with communication ) let him know when you’re in a bad spot and if he can help or not, either you wanna talk/spend time with him or just need alone time to clear your mind/work through a bad day. Hope that can help a little and not sound condescending :)
@@h3llblaz3r12 I understand your sour feelings towards your ex, what she did was awful. BPD isn't an excuse for your shitty ex. She was just a shitty ex that had BPD. Theres as many possible behaviours in BPD that might indicate becoming a victim of abuse and getting used, as there is for manipulation. It is as varied of a disorder as the human condition itself. Please dont put the blame on her disorder, because youre inadvertedly hurting a lot of innocent people who have probably been in your shoes. BPD didnt make her a bad person, her choices did.
@@MidnightBlue-q9m like I said I don't have bpd, so my mold swings aren't as severe, but I do have anger problems and get depressed quickly. When I'm in a depression spiral he usually tries to talk to me and keep me occupied. If it's really bad he'll just cook food to make sure I at least eat and drink. When it's an anger outburst he tries talking to me calmly and if that doesn't work he just ignores me and gets some distance until I cool off. That always helps and I feel super fucking guilty. He's never angry at me and he understands that I don't mean to hurt him, it's just my brain being weird. He's generally really calm and collected, which helps. Honestly haven't had many anger outburst since being with him because he knows all my triggers and never pushes them. He told me the way he deals with it is the same way he deals with the kids (5-10) at his workplace and idk if I should be insulted or not 😂
I have BPD. My last girlfriend had BPD. I left not because she had BPD, but because she refused to work on her BPD. I was kind and stable to the best of my ability, but she didn't want to try.
That is a good reason to leave. If someone isn’t going or willing to work on their mental health- leave. The Doc missed saying that when a BPD has skills and manages or “well”; you’ll have the most AMAZING relationship!
Facts. I overcame BPD due to trauma because my husband was a rock. He told me that he knew it was something I was dealing with, and wasn't the real me. 19 years tomorrow ❤❤
There’s the clinical “proper” advice and his real opinion…which is clear. HE wouldn’t dare date someone with BPD. when I told my therapist about my Borderline Ex Wife and all the things I did for her to try and make sure we made it…and how I regretted not being a better partner…he told me “Just be glad you made it out before y’all had kids….from what I can tell in my patients…the breakup is probably a blessing in disguise. It doesn’t tend to get better…it tends to get worse.” 😳
@@mattmunny3253 That all depends; I myself suffer from Borderline and I don't see myself in most of the things he talked about or what you just described... I'm more like you in your situation, I did everything I could to make the relationship work with my Fiance, I got us Couples therapy cause she couldnt understand her Jealousy and just kept blaming me for it, and nothing seemed good enough and she just kept screaming and accusing me of cheating which never and will never happen cause that snot who I am... All I've ever wanted is Love etc; But how everyone is talking so insanely negative and destructive about Borderline and how it is a Blessing to get rid of those people in your life; It really just makes me want to Kill Myself since you're all just telling me I'll never be happy, or that I will have to go through a lot more Hell to maybe attain it one day. Maybe I'm misdiagnosed... I'd think I'd be a rather funny, interesting, enigmatic Patient for HealhyGamer and the Audience haha....
@@mattmunny3253 Also, I wish I had a Therpist like yours who speaks his mind lol, Swedens therapists are Insanely Clinical and it hasn't really helped me in 13 years
@@tarinvernon7007 Sure, but it's still Contradicting, no? I myself have been Diagnosed with BPD, but I'm starting to think I've been misdiagnosed based on other peoples experiences and the Internet etc. because I don't really behave in ways described by most haha... Maybe that's why I find it contradicting
The media, and popular culture, often tell us the wrong things, tell us to give up at the first sign. If we're just on the first one or two dates, yes. But if you're in what you've said is a committed relationship, don't run for the hills at the first signs, get help and do something worthwhile & beautiful.
I emphasize people with BPD a lot, it’s tremendously hard to live with this disorder, however if you’re constantly on guard and stressed around them, waiting for the next acting out episodes based on no real grounds it becomes unbearable and damages your health in the end, living with someone at the expense of your own mental health is simply wrong. I wish there was more people who are constantly at their most resourceful state and can create a good stable environment and help others with BPD to feel centered and at peace.
I tried my best. Flowers every week. Dinners. Chores off her hands. Paid the rent. Rubbed her feet. Fulfilled her fantasies. Listened to her. Told her how much I loved her. Showed how much I loved her. Spent all my free time with her. Then……..inevitably there would be one disagreement…one slip in my tone of voice…on day when I was tired, grumpy, or distracted…and 💥 💥💥💥 all that pent up rage & resentment would explode on me. I could watch it build up in her like a volcano about to erupt….no matter what I said or how I tried to distance myself she would come find me…follow me…re-engage until she had the final trigger to blow up on me. It’s hard to be that zen partner when the episodes take their toll on you…you start to get PTSD from their episodes and I was maintaining my bipolar disorder at the time…eventually she triggered my worst ever manic episode & when I asked her to separate…she took me to court and said I abused her. Never. Again. I understand when these people say run. I was what so many would consider a near-perfect boyfriend / husband … my texts to her are all “Good Morning Queen, I left Dunkin’ Donuts on your desk - have a good day at work 💙” and to her credit she would do the same…but when it came down to conflict? I might as well have been the devil himself or every man that had ever abused her ~ I started to question…her stories about her exes …piecing things together I realized that she had chased some of them away. I understood why her family seemed so happy / surprised that I was normal / kind / in-love and wanted to marry her…they knew.
@@mattmunny3253Epic. Epic take. I vibed it on a personal level. You’re stronger and clearer-headed now having survived it, I have no doubt. You thrived it.
@@mattmunny3253 this is incredibly reliable for me right now. I'm at Max stress and breaking down during each fight, which never used to happen. When she blows up she says all the most hurtful things she could possibly concoct and lately it has become so much worse. I have been this calm rock for almost a decade and I'm starting to crack. I'm starting to feel sad all the time and although I have fought it for so long, I have begun to unavoidably resent it and her. I'm losing all confidence in myself to be able to get through these explosive phases. It's insane and I kind of need more stability in my life than what has been transpiring. I don't want to have to go to court over things I didn't do. I couldn't take that after it already happening from a previous ex years back. I'm kind of scared stiff and petrified into not knowing what to do.
I think the most important thing here is: is the person with the disorder is making an effort. A lot of us (I'm including myself bc yeah, I've done it and in hindsight its horrible) use our problems as a crutch to do toxic shit to our partners. Yes, consider the circumstances. But. If there's nothing you can do without compromising your own well being, nor there's anything they can (or won't) do, it's okay to move on. Illness is not a free card to get whatever you want. But if the person is genuinely trying, I promise, the payoff you'll get for sticking around is probably the most loyal and loving relationship you can get.
My sister had BPD and had the biggest softest heart in the whole world, she loved really hard. Despite the faults that come with BPD, they are the kindest people you will ever meet.
I followed the advice here. I did everything you said and it STILL did not work. I gave them everything you wanted and needed, all the support, therapy etc. and it wasn’t enough because it NEVER will be enough for a BPD sufferer who does not recognise it or wishes to really change
Yes, refusing to change is the worst. I have BPD and I worked on myself and outgrew most of my symptoms through therapy, breath work and various other tools while my ex boyfriend -also a BPD refused to even admit that he had a problem and was a nightmare and rather than move forward with me he was making me backtrack which resulted in me breaking it off with him. BPD or not, self awareness and self growth takes you a long way..not all BPDs are the same and I’m sorry for your experience. Most of us do want to get better, and we are considerate and accountable, some of us aren’t and I can see how much it can affect someone.
As someone with bpd, if the person with bpd really wants to work on themselves and have a healthy relationship, they should be in some type of therapy to work on themselves. It's an everyday battle..with yourself.
So they shouldn’t procrastinate on that right. If they aren’t trying to help themselves then they are fully responsible for all the abuse. Right? They know what they doing and that they need help so they should do it. If not for themselves, for others! Most things like this and drug addiction is actually not about you but helping others. They get stuck in loop of only trying to help themselves not realizing there big problem is how they treat others. Making them feel bad and confused more. Does any of this make sense?
@@stringbender3I hope you understand that every BPD individual is different, there are some of us who are self aware and keep working on themselves (I’m on remission and I barely have any symptoms now) while my ex who also had BPD refused to acknowledge anything that he did and that he even had a problem in the first place and showed me hell which made me leave him. Not everyone’s the same..please don’t generalise or project your one individual experience. I have many healthy friendships and bonds now and neither am I abusive nor are they unhappy..they constantly remind me how worthy I am of love because I didn’t get it in my childhood and I make sure I’m a better individual with all of them. BPD is work..some do it, some don’t.. my cousin (also a BPD) is a nice person too, she wouldn’t harm an ant and she’s in a happy marriage. She did the work too, to get there.
@@rrinrinrin or they “change” But are still energy vampires and not self aware with very very weak empathy. They may feel better mirroring and sucking energy and think they changed but how about ask them ppl around them how they feel. Everyone is different just like a narc. But they are still the most fundamentally messed up ppl. Even top psychologist like Jordan Peterson day if you end up with one the only thing he suggests is: Run for the hills!
As someone who has "fixed" a BPD the second key besides you being stable is that they have to WANT to get better. Just like every other mental problem if the person with it doesn't actually want to change then you get the situation that some other commenters are talking about where the BPD person resents your happiness even if they helped you make it.
I really appreciate the stuff you say here about BPD I’m a guy, I’ve never really had a solid long term relationship because I think I have BPD. I hate myself every day for it. I can’t stop thinking about all the ways I screwed up and all the ways I’ve hurt the people I care about. I largely just isolate myself anymore because you can’t hurt people if you don’t let them get close, but it’s a miserable existence. It’s pushed me multiple times to consider ending it all because sometimes I feel hopeless about recovery. I’m scared to tell anyone about it because I don’t want them to hate me. Seeing you talk about people like me and treating them as human beings helps me to keep my head up. I appreciate your tact and skill in discussing these hard topics.
Exactly what I needed to hear thanks this gave me a ton of relief. Currently dealing with my girlfriend who I love very much is an amazing beautiful person inside and out in every way and everyday it has been a challenge and at times I get confused a bit but I keep telling my self don’t give up on her because I know she’s a great person and I genuinely want to see her happy I love seeing her smile
As someone with bpd I’ll say this: If they are diagnosed bpd and are taking active steps in improving symptoms (several kinds of therapy, being more aware of their emotions and triggers, etc) then it can work, if not you can try to help them by researching those things yourself, but if they don’t respond to it just leave them.
My ex was a very mentally unstable woman. Im thinking about what dr k said here and im seeing a lot in common. She was very self destructive when i met her and she eventually realised it was ok to break apart and wouldnt get judged or yelled at like her parents did. Stopped puking. Stopped being mean to herself. Started making friends. I had been going through some rough things in my life, including a lot of death and she had no clue how to support me as she sucks with empathy. Having to deal with her unstable mind, a long distance relationship i didnt want, a new physically demanding job, grief, all my chores, responsibilities, new born kittens to take care for and having to stay up late so she doesnt cry, it started weighing on me. The more tired i got the more tired she got. She went from being this incredible, energetic, intelligent, creative woman to her old toxic shell. Ended up cheating on me with a man she barely knew online and now shes more miserable than ever. Its hard to remind myself theres only so much i could have done and in the end of the day she chose to ruin her life, not me
I'm BPD and I'm so tired and sad of being portrayed as a monster when I'm only scared. Luckily my partner understands and we have a few rules he agreed on so that I can feel safe. He doesn't feel abused either by those rules because they provide great reliability for both of us.
I agree but only if they are putting the work in themselves, self aware and acknowledges abusive behaviour and the impact it has on people. I have BPD and I’m constantly self reflecting and trying to do better and be aware of my actions… my ex also had bpd but refused to acknowledge how scared I was of him during his rage episodes, how using all my trauma against me as a weapon had massively impacted me, refused to see how any of his behaviour was abusive, took no responsibility and blamed it all on me. I had to walk away because he was controlling me without acknowledging that anything needed to change. It’s videos like this that made me stay for longer because I felt so guilty leaving him, as I agree, BPD comes from significant trauma, and everyone deserves a chance at love. But it’s a dangerous message to send without clarifying that no one should have to tolerate abuse and violence, no matter what the illness is.
From the long version of the video: People with BPD CAN get better, though it takes years. To make relationships work with a BPD person he suggests that both you and the other person go into therapy individually.
Is this even worth it results wise. What percentage of them can be better? Are we not taking anomalies & making them a fantasy target for partners who have seen the good & worst. Personally I think we encourage things we don't understand. This leads to more broken people by idealistic professional advice. Some professionals won't even treat BPD patients for personal safety concerns when the patient becomes volatile & rages with fury. This a issue only God can handle or have patience for
@@MidnightBlue-q9mare you seriously going to say that? It may not be worth it to you but this is a very dangerous statement. I have bpd and I have never been a violent person because I believe in karma. Have fun with yours sir.
@@MidnightBlue-q9mdepending on the study, research shows that anywhere between 50-80% of people with BPD show significant symptom remission (often to the point they no longer meet the BPD criteria) within 4 years of treatment, with a very low rate (typically between 5-10%) of symptom recurrence. By contrast, Axis I disorders, like major depression or bipolar, tend to have a much quicker recovery, but they have a much greater rate of relapse and often have multiple recurrences of symptoms after treatment. BPD is currently consider one of the most successfully treated disorders specifically because once symptom remission begins, symptom remission and recovery tends to be more stable than other disorders.
Now that I recognize how & I mirror my partner's persona... So, with that knowledge, I now only allow quality people in my bubble, so that the people I will be mirroring are highly stable! ❤
Woah! I am coming around to the possibility that I might have undiagnosed BPD and I have never been in a relationship before and this instills me with only the utmost confidence! Seriously though. I love Bojack, I've recently watched some of the Ofir Sasson videos, and I relate to a lot of the experiences Bojack has gone through. Long periods of loneliness where I try to figure it out or fix everything for myself, broken up by emotional breakdowns and desperate attempts at reaching out. I can't be sure but I'm starting to think of a couple of events in my early childhood that could be contributors. But I doubt myself
Thank you. When I find someone stable it is the best thing for me. Love is so healing and we crave it like you wouldn't believe. It makes me feel like crap when I see videos saying to run from us but I do understand. Ive done a lot to work on myself and just want a loving healthy relationship but my fear of abandonment and everything else makes that difficult.
Guys omg, the ones who have a problem with this video are the ones equating BPD with abuse (that yes sometimes goes together but not always). You're making up stuff that he never mentioned (like as I said abuse, ruining your life, etc). If the thing isn't working for you of course leave, no it's not your responsibility. He's just saying that if you want to stay that it's going to be harder and maybe it would be useful to remove the stigma a bit so you don't want to run when the first sing shows. Damn. You're free, do whatever you want geez.
right. people stereotyping those with bpd as being abusive is so hurtful. i have bpd and many others that do are extremely empathic. bpd can not force you to hurt other people its still the persons decision making
@@erupmi If you have it all under control with no effect on your life or the people around you, then you wouldn’t have BPD. That’s kinda the whole deal with disorders, it’s bad enough to affect things.
@@JamEngulfernot true at all. BPD can seriously damage your relationships even without acting out constantly. It can cause you to self isolate and stay trapped in a hopeless bubble. It manifests in different ways.
@@WhatDuhDogDoin I didn’t say it had to be because of acting out, but generally BPD-driven behaviours that affect your relationships with other people will have a negative effect on those people. It doesn’t have to be abusive or anything, but it’s important to acknowledge that having a negative effect on the people in your life is pretty much a given with BPD, whether it’s directly or indirectly.
I don't have a problem with BPD people. I have an issue when they claim they are blameless and put it all on me. I got enough of that with my mother. I'll accept blame when deserved, but I'm not going to allow myself to be abused for another person's benefit again.
@@Dimitris_Half Oi James this person said they don’t have a problem with BDP people. They are just referring to the ones that DO do this as opposed to the ones who don’t.
It's New Years in a couple of hours and I have isolated myself from everyone around me to keep them safe from my erratic behaviours. I have been watching/reading a lot of material to determine which of the Cluster B personalities I fall into and then deduced that there must be other larger clusters and Lo and Behold there are. Now, I am ever more confused as to which cluster I most belong to. I find it so frustrating to not be able to have a clear sense of where I fit. I can only go with what I mostly appear to be but that can also change on any given day. I am trying to take psychology seriously but a lot of it just comes across like the B.S. in astrology. I like your channel because you are compassionate first and foremost and rationalize, articulate issues in ways that I can work with to a degree. Thank you for acknowledging that this beast deserves beauty as well. As well, because of your extensive discussions on the negative affects of weed for people with ADHD and personality disorders, I have been struggling to not use again. I stopped 4.5 months ago but this last week has been really challenging. Much of your content has been keeping me from using again and valuing my sobriety as a strong ally.
I think i might have bpd. I check every box for it and have since i was 14. In recent years i have become more self aware, learning a lot about myself, going to regular therapy and generally working on myself with the intention of eventually recvoering from these symptoms. Im a really caring, emotionally available partner but i also struggle with codependency. It really scares me that everyone in the comments seem to despise or fear people with bpd.
Remember, check out the other personality clusters as well. I just did that and frustratingly, I can say that I have characteristics of every description in every category! I guess the best takeaway here is that we are exploring and trying to be a more positive impact on others or at the very least, limit the amount of damage/disruptions we cause in other people's lives.
I went ahead with the relationship with my BPD man and married him. He then became more abusive and shows major signs of covert narcissism. Be careful about how you go about any relationship with a mentally ill individual. Please. It could end up being a dangerous situation in the future.
Same here. He was "just" BPD when I met him and it took me a decade to realize he was BPD (he was misdiagnosed as bipolar and schizoaffektiv) and got only pharmaceutical therapy and as his life got increasingly unsuccessful he got abusive and morphed into a covert narcissist.
@@juliettailor1616 oh it must of been hell for you too. I’m really sorry that you had to go through all of this Julie. I have had a similiar story, it took me decade to realise the person I loved was a covert borderline. Luckily we never got together.
You are so compassionate and such an advocate for this population. I just saw another psychiatrist from Canada saying many health providers are working from very archaic models of BPD and have the outdated stance it's not treatable. People with a health condition from cancer to a personality disorder need treatment and compassion. And yes if a partner/friend is being harmed or abused they need to leave and protect themselves. But try and be kind. pwBPD really are suffering alot.❤
This is sad and heart breaking. Whatever the terrible disorder a person may have, but still their love is true. Yes if we are not having strength to handle their ups and downs, it's realy painfull because on one side we badly want to end the toxic relationship. But on other side we love them and they love us. It's very painfull if stay and even if u leave. Its true in this situation dynamics of relationship is toxic. But that dosnt mean the person is toxic. They are genuinely helpless with their own mental issue. I realy feel hugging them and telling them all the nice words and want to rescue them. But I am not capable. I myself is terribly flawed in first place
This view and attitude has taken me into the deepest abyss of my life. You will be torn to shreds if you keep focusing on what they deserve, and how things should be, and how they could be if only you try harder to be a good partner. BPD is a contagious illness, in the sense that you get invaded and colonized with their negativity. YOU deserve better! Beware of bad counselors and save your soul.
That good luck got me as you can't ignore their highs and lows and that's what make it roller coaster. Most depressing thing is their manipulative attitude and they keep on lows and highs on extended hours/days. Its a tough choice to be with them irrespective how much love and care you have for them. Speaking from experience.... and almost giving up..
"wonderful, beautiful human being" is very true. My bf has BPD, many tried to make me steer away bc of that but I knew better and still do, would never EVER trade him for anything or anyone else ever💝
If you see someone drowning you should give them a hand and try to pull them out, but you should also be careful that they don't pull you in the ocean with them and from mine experience and everyone around me the end result was always the same
I promise you self sabotage is real. Smh if anything goes wrong makes me feel uncomfortable its like fight or flight but always on flight. I realized i came to a point when i was younger of. Everyone who comes in my life leaves they disappoint me in someway. They dont really care kind if thought process because actions speak louder then words. So now as an adult when in a relationship i tend to dismiss the relationship before it can get serious. Or even more serious. Especially if the dude is super handsome now im like o yea your definitely going to cheat on me. You wont be happy with me and i end up leaving or trying to make them hate me so they can leave. I end up hurting myself everytime. And even if I don't mean it its like i rather be alone to deal with whatever is going on in my head but at the same time. I want love i want someone to want me. So its difficult for me. I also didnt have a father so maybe thats a reason to why i dont know how a guy is suppose to show his love. Because we can say we know how we want to be treated but reality is men have their own way of thinking way different then how women think. He may think he is doing everything to make life lovely but to a woman its nothing or the bare minimum. So yea theres a lot going on here. And even still i cant fully pinpoint why im like this. I dont want to be like this. I dont want to think like this. I honestly thought we all did until i startes seeing how ppl can stay focused on a task and actually succeed without feeling like the largest pieces of crap on the earth With bpd every emotion is on 1000 and i hate it. I shouldnt walk in the room and feel what everyone is feeling. I should be able to look at someone crying without having to cry myself but can i? Nope water works. Ok im done. I know i need therapy but these therapist are booked honey lol
Thank you for sharing! As a man…I tried my best. Flowers every week. Dinners. Chores off her hands. Paid the rent. Rubbed her feet. Fulfilled her fantasies. Touched her cervix 7-20 times per week. Listened to her. Funded a joint account so she would never have to spend her own money. Told her how much I loved her. Showed how much I loved her. Spent all my free time with her. Date nights. Relationship cue cards. Couples mani pedis & massages… things would be wonderful. (her anxiety kept us inside more often) Then……..inevitably there would be one disagreement…one slip in my tone of voice…one day when I was tired, grumpy, or absentminded as human as all of us can be…and 💥 💥💥💥 all that pent up rage & resentment would explode on me. I could watch it build up in her like a volcano about to erupt….no matter what I said or how I tried to distance myself she would come find me…follow me…re-engage until she had the final trigger to blow up on me. It’s hard to be that zen partner when the episodes take their toll on you…you start to get PTSD from their episodes and I was maintaining my bipolar disorder at the time…eventually she triggered my worst ever manic episode & when I asked her to separate…she took me to court and said I abused her. I was what so many would consider a near-perfect boyfriend / husband … my texts to her are all “Good Morning Queen, I left Dunkin’ Donuts on your desk - have a good day at work 💙” and to her credit she would do the same…but when it came down to conflict? I might as well have been the devil himself or every man that had ever abused her ~ I started to question…her stories about her exes …piecing things together I realized that she had chased some of them away. I understood why her family seemed so happy / surprised that I was normal / kind / in-love and wanted to marry her…they knew. Even men that show their love in the best way possible aren’t enough to break through BPD…you have to be on point 100% of the time…and if I was on point for too long….she would get cut off in traffic or get some rude customer service and she would come home ready to commit a homicide, cut herself, drink, smoke, and blow up at me if I didn’t immediately start soothing. All that and she WAS in therapy every week for over a year…it got a lot better but my mental health was fraying by the time it did…and even then it was just rage episodes… at least I wasn’t wrestling razor blades out of her hands anymore. I would beg. Plead. Cry. For her to stop going after me so viciously. I started to have PTSD dreams of being an abused woman. I knew I had to go when I felt completely numb after one of her episodes…my inner child no longer felt safe and retreated deep inside. It was like all my emotions washed away and life went grey. It stayed that way for days…I was just silent zombie walking through life. I knew I had to get out of there.
Audiance whom are reading this, please focus on your own healing and growth. You are not a savior or hero to anyone. Wise person focuses on her or his own healing. Love is not a cure for this people. They need to go through series of therapy and take responsibility for their own actions. If you find yourself attracting narcs or borderline, ask yourself. Why do you keep attracting this people in your life.
Only way to make it work is if this is discussed immediately when you start thinking about getting serious. I spent over 3 years with a woman with quiet bpd. First year made me think, second year i spent setting boundaries, third year was complete shit until she flipped out when i said too much damage had been done. She literally screamed “I know what im doing isnt right” at the top of her lungs and tried stealing my brand new car. Ill say this, out of 8 billion people not all of them have a life lonh journey filled with work to stay from being miser
Idk. Feels like walking on eggshells with them... u don't need to leave them but if u don't talk with caution they will take things out of context and get mad over essentially nothing and leave if u don't immediately apologise, take their side and bend reality to how they see it...just my experience... they're hard to be around
No. I’m done with not putting myself first. I’m tired of putting other peoples well-being above my own when no one has done the same for me. I wish them well though
And that contradicts because? Bpd myself, the best thing that can help me is if my partner is as stable as possible and guards his borders very well and trains me almost dog way to get the habit of rrspecting them. If I rely on you to understand who I am and you can't leep one rule in place and bend left and right withe what does it say about me also. Bpd needs securoty amd the stronger the frame the more secure I'll feel leaning onto it. So yeah, put your needs first, then have space for taking care of bpd beloved or you won't be able to take care of them the correct way even
ahhhh thank you for this video... i've been wanting to get into a relationship but have been deathly afraid to. i don't want to hurt anybody and i don't want to get hurt. my last relationship i was in a toxic situation and was quite toxic myself, so was my partner. it's hard trying to get out there and feeling horribly broken
Me and my ex-wife both have BPD and depression, not the best combination. At least one of the partners needs to have at least some stability. We just dragged eachother down. Glad to see our son has never been diagnosed with any mental illness. He did suffer from how we (dis) functioned as parents though.
My fiancè has BPD. It's been 8years on and off and before marriage, we are now in counselling to cement that stability. But man, I needed to hear this so much! Thank you. It's really hard. I believe it's worth it 100%. And weirdly, having to be the stable one has made me a better person.
My personal experience with an exgf with BPD was terrible and I would never date anyone with the disorder ever again. The constant “broken-record” arguments everyday is enough to pull your hair out and that’s amongst other things. I truly feel for people with BPD, but their feelings don’t justify any toxic behavior directed at their loved ones. Get into therapy and stay with it, your mental health is important.
just to be clear, i understand if you’re traumatized from an experience and want to stay away from all things to do with it, but you do know not all people with BPD exhibit hurtful behavior towards their loved ones right? i have BPD and i personally don’t, and everyone i’ve met with BPD before i even got the diagnosis a few years ago have been some of the most kind, big hearted people i know. edit - to clarify, i do believe going to therapy and taking responsibility for your actions is something you should always do when you have any mental health condition if the circumstances permit.
@@v4mpiregirlfriend So before you got diagnosed with BPD you never gaslighted, manipulated, or did some splitting to your partners? I’m not even referring to physical abuse, but also emotional and verbal.
@@e.paradigm7415 i’m well aware of emotional abuse at all times trust me, has happened to me more times than i can count. but no, i absolutely never gaslit or manipulated any of my partners or loved ones. i knew manipulation from a very young age since it happened to me, and by the time i was old enough to have partners i already knew it was something that hurt people, and i didn’t want to hurt people. i experienced splitting, but i never treated anyone like a monster or anything because of how i thought about them. i still had decency in my actions. people, no matter what they have, can choose to be conscious of what would and wouldn’t hurt people.
@@v4mpiregirlfriend That’s amazing that you have that level of self awareness to break that cycle of abuse, however not a lot of people have that level of awareness for their actions. I understand how challenging it is for pwBPD, however abusive behavior is very prominent in couples with a BPD partner.
2 books come to mind; “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” and “Stop Walking on Eggshells” Some BP’s have behaviors more severe than others, some have additional diagnosis of Narcissistic behavior. Some people may be able to handle a relationship that can be volatile others may crumble. The overall result is the Borderlines present with black and white thinking. You get highs and you also get lows. And you get them randomly. Intermittent rewards keep a person spending every last cent at the Casino.
Sorry, but I became more and more stable in my marriage, I even took a 12 week class to conquer fear which helped tremendously for my self control, but she said that doesn't work for me, and became more unhinged over the years. BPD, and having a relationship with someone who has it can wreck your own self worth. She asked for a divorce, and I wish her well, my self esteem is all coming back now.
i am so sorry that happened to you and that she gave in to her disorder. it must've been such a struggle, i wish you healing and good thoughts. and i hope that you're in a better place now.
LEAVE. Unless you want stress and repeated heartbreak to kill you before your time. One’s intentions don’t negate the reality of the damages they cause others. Speaking from experience, save yourself. You can’t save them and they can’t consistently or truly love you in a humane way. They cause sheer torture, confusion, and deep suffering. They’re already dead inside save yourself.
idk. the person with bpd who I was with was generally a good person and our characters matched well, but she also had 0 empathy for anyone around or for herself. the relationship just wasn't sustainable or normal
lmao that good luck was funny as hell since im in relationship with someone who suffers from bpd and it's at times everyday thing, just needing some good luck
I would recommend you leave. From someone who was married to someone with BPD for 10 years. I didn’t even know how much it impacted me until I left and felt SO much relief.
This also applies to friendships. After 30 plus years of dealing with my supposed "best friend" that's BPD and countless breakups, I simply will not stand for the consistent boundary crossing. I have a congenital heart defect and have had so many complications since open heart surgery. This last little, big meltdown of hers, was enough. I told her I needed a little space to process the ultrasound I had, had the day before. Her response to me was that I was hurtful and rejectful and that there are 24 hours in a day and that I wasn't a good friend to her since I needed a little space for 5 minutes. I'm sorry, after her making every single tiny thing about her, the manipulation, the insults, the berating, the grooming tactics and honestly her downright, seemingly, narcissism, I HAVE to step back, once again, in a huge way. Everything is made into about her. Literally. I suppose the last 6 months or so, she has given me a purpose in feeling like I am giving someone a soft place to fall. Toxic of me, I know. It's difficult when my own health has blind sided me like a train off the rails, when I used to be so very healthy and there's zero understanding from her end. I've done my very best to be understanding and I have been. I simply can't take the imbalance or lack of friendship anymore. I don't feel supported, because, well I'm not. And, it hurts me deeply that now she wants to insult my own health that I never signed up for. Constantly judging me and slinging insults at me over my health. I am not sorry, any longer, for taking 5 freaking minutes to process my, justified, anxiety.
this is so true though, my healthiest relationship was with someone that was so stable and it made me feel safe. too bad they randomly broke up with me lol. now im in a relationship that was hard to fight for, but we're getting to a better place now.
I was so focused on my girlfriend being either a narcissist or having bpd and now that I’ve learned and researched about the two, I actually think that I am the one with BPD!! It was a wtf moment and I emailed my psychiatrist right away
@@ChristopherSmith-cn9uo Congrats! And don't worry, there are nuances and degrees of BPD. The probability is high, that you're just having some traits. So it might be with your partner. Also narcissists can just reveal having some traits. Finally the relationship gets clearer and new do's and don'ts have to be defined.
I was a very stable person.. then I met someone who ghosted me and came back.. this created abandonment fear and when he finally came back strong by that time I had lost trust and his inconsistency I could sense which triggered my fear.. but I think it was situational with only him.. we should always choose stable partners so we r stable ❤
Noooo if you fit together, you fit together. I mean, masochsism and sadism could fit together nicely, while enjoying their urges, but it wont look like one of those media healthy relationships
Listen man, if i learned one thing, if you got issues, you gotta work on them, and yes if you work on them and on fixing yourself, another person can choose to support you and be with you, but what you're saying is some higher level of copium, no matter how much I'd be working on myself if they don't want to change, if they don't put effort into it, they're not gonna change, it's not a matter of giving up on them, it's a matter of respecting our own health. Life is not fair, some people have it rough in life, it's not bad, but staying that way is Their toxic choice
I hope Dr. K is paying for those divorces, hospital bills, therapy, lost jobs, reputation destruction, etc. that comes from not leaving a partner with borderline persobality disorder.
Being in a relationship with somebody with BPD is like watching somebody drowning in front of you and not only that you can not save them - you drown with them! They pull you down into the abyss as well.
Exactly. If you offer help to someone and they are clearly struggling and choose to attack you and hurt you more, then it really isn’t something that is acceptable. It is ok to refuse help, but wrong to try to hurt those who want to support you
@nkmensah the divorce rate for BP1 is over 90%, whereas for BPD it's similar to the general population average. evidently bipolar is more likely to make relationships unable to work out
I have BPD and have been very abusive to people in my life. Don't put up with that shit. Yeah we can be very amazing lovers for a bit butthe disorder always wins. Some people don't deserve love it's sad but that's the truth. I only do fwb because I know I'm an absolute psycho in a real relationship
We have to be honest. BPD is Unresolved Trauma. I had severe childhood trauma and don’t have BPD because I commit to heal wounds (a lifelong process), I choose to give and receive love, and I refuse to abuse others to assuage my pain.
My ex has BPD. I always showed her love and understanding. I never blamed her for the way she acted the or why she handled situations in the way she did but she also lied and cheated so mamy times. I dont pretend that i know whats going through her head but i am still there for her even know we're not together
I disagree. I know people . Great people but they suck the life out of people around them because everyone has to tiptoe for them and they never move even half an eyelash for anyone else
My 32 yo son is BPD and it's getting worse. He will not seek therapy. After a horrible meltdown last week he pretty much alienated me, one of his brothers and my partner. I am heart broken and emotionally devastated but at 66 yo I just can't continue to deal with this. I cannot imagine being romantically involved with someone who thinks EVERYONE is out to get them and who is constantly controlling and just obnoxious. I love him dearly and want nothing but good things and success for him but I'm to the point where I just can't be around him. He has a good job just got a great promotion good looking and when you meet him you like him but the other side of that is just destruction and devastation And again it brings me no joy to say this I've had the worst days in recent memory dealing with this
I needed to hear this, my boyfriend who I want to marry has this and we are meant to be. He is the most amazing person ever. After speaking to a couple where the girl had it, it confirmed what I thought and I will never give up on him. Thank you so much for this.
A very close friend of mine has been diagnosed a couple months before, we met 3 years ago and almost developed a relationship. The intensity and the burden she carries just overwhelms me the most as I became her safety spot to vent and feel safe, but this is destroying my mental health, she did some things that I cannot feel even good around her anymore. Now, I am divided if I should still support her and try a different approach or take my own path and let her be.
here's a tumblr quote I always think about that really has helped me in my work in healthcare: "You tell people to get help or get therapy but you overlook the fact that the help/therapists you're talking about are PEOPLE." We are all people and while you must put your own wellbeing first, that doesn't mean you're to pawn someone off so that they're "someone else's" problem. People impove with fellow people and while someone might not fit with you, that doesn't mean the person should be demonized and disallowed to find people who will not demonize them and help them do better.
I was in a relationship with someone with bpd. In the end it didn't really work out. I think it was because I stopped being as stable as I was. Feels bad to have the relationship come crashing down if you start feeling just a little bit of weakness. Now I'm in another relationship and in this one I get a chance to fail and to be weak and instead of things crashing I get uplifted by my partner. I wish everyone who is in a relationship with someone who has bpd the best of luck.
Knowing a few people with borderline has made it more clear how they are and act. It’s all slightly different but you can see the same traits in all of them so it’s easier to find out they have it and act accordingly
From today's video 💚 - ruclips.net/video/rT5PN7IhyPc/видео.html
This is so true ... one time i had a boyfriend (2 years) he never got angry he was the most peace human being i ever met in my life.
Before me he only had one woman (he was 38 when we met).
So in a way i could deal with him and so i could deal with myself (better) it was, now i look back at it, the most happiest time in my life..❤
All other relationships were demonic (sure because of what i did but also because of the mirror)
I am a 47 year young lady and i have BPD and adhd.
Life is hard on me and i am hard on others and myself but since a few months i got medication and i follow the dialectical program ❤
19 of april 2021 i found out i have adhd-i and since 3 months i know about my bpd.
Work hard,believe, trust, medication,rest,work out and read and listen as much as you can about your illness😊
Peace and love from Amsterdam
Dr. K can you make the links stuff (like on description) to be able to be translated? Mobile phones do not make links clickable, but I've seen that making the link be able to be translated makes the link clickable.
25 Male, I have bpd, and I disagree. Fortunately I'm tatting my hands, neck, and face with things to deter wome.....people that are good
@@Liz-dragon-street. I totally agree with this stance. They are like a one year old emotionally, never do what they say but empathize and use language that shows understanding... Even when they speak like a dictator
@@stephaniek1346what ?!?!
I’m gonna add this in: Don’t feel like it’s your responsibility to stick around for them. Stick around for you if you think it can work. They’re human and deserving, but so are you, and if you’re not in for that then get out for the benefit of both of you.
Falling into the trap of "I can save them" is pretty damaging.
Being told to stay around because they deserve a relationship implies you're the third wheel in a relationship of 2.
You're the reason for breakups . Pls don't advice any of your friends 😂
@@praba991ify if the relationship is toxic and damaging because they aren’t prepared for the realities of each other and don’t earnestly believe they can work on it, then yes they should in fact split up.
Grow up
@@praba991ify The same logic can be applied to you, you're the reason people kill themselfes because of staying in toxic relationships. Sounds dumb now, huh?
don't leave over something capricious or a really bad day, but don't be afraid to leave if it's truly not working out.
sometimes it actually is best for both of you to find other people
analyze the situation rationally to determine if this relationship is producing the best outcome for both of you.
don't let them threatening to kill themselves or anything like that hold you hostage when you really need to leave. they're deserving of love and stability, but so are you.
it's not your job to fix them; you're not capable of fixing them.
when making this decision, try to see whether this relationship is positively impacting both of your lives, not whether the sex is good, or whether they're affectionate, but whether 10 years from now, when all is said and done, will you be in a better position in life from having committed, or having left?
if they're stagnating and they have no commitment to improving themselves or their situation, and you're trying to grow, then it is 100% fine for you to leave.
Right. My problem is, when I leave she follows. Due to them having abandonment issues, she stays persistent. Im honestly at the point in my life where, Im growing and she's stagnant. I honestly want to find someone else.
@@johnnyp3839 Then proceed, sadly she will not stop till an external reason happens such as another person or a certain experience happens, hardly will happen by her own decision or will, but if theres nothing left on you, just go on, good luck.
The advice is true but analyze whether you're truly doing it out of love. Remember, its a relationship not a charity. If you're genuinely miserable it might be time to cut things off.
💯%
@@noidsuper No doubt. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD. I've been patient but it's literally a struggle. Not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do personally after working. I love & took my vows with her seriously but it's getting more tough.
@@anthonyinsani9914 good luck, I have bpd and she definitely loves you but it’s just hard having a constant saboteur in our mind
@@BonBonGallore Thanks. Appreciate the feedback. From what I've researched, 2 to 3 sessions a week of phycotherapy for the rest of ones life with a legit mental health therapist is what it takes for a person with BPD to get the help they need.
@@anthonyinsani9914 in shorter terms, if you have it, good luck with life lmfao
you know it's serious when Dr. K says, "good luch, you're going to need it".
yeah that's a big ass oof 😂
He's not wrong. My ex had BPD and it was rough and unsafe.
💔💯
Luchador
@@cicin9313She stated a fact, not stigma. Stop arguing with imaginary comments.
i have bpd and even if it was really hard, i managed to make 4 year old long distance relationship work and i'm currently living with my partner
it still feels surreal
i also got bpd but im sadly still in the waters being tossed here and there
it sucks
but all i can do right now is work on myself and find someone better
I'm so happy for you!:')
Wow how do you do it? Are u a male/ female. For context
Congrats! You deserve that and all the love and happiness in the world, you are so worthy!! ❤️
For people asking how they did it, I will assume their partner is like mine: Stable, level-headed and kind. If you suffer with BPD, you need to find someone who is healthy-minded and loving. So many of these comments paint ppl with BPD as abusers, which some can be. For me, it made me a victim. I'm sensitive to love-bombing and fell for it every time, I ended up the victim and this is the case for most people with BPD and this can be what makes them paranoid, untrusting of future partners etc. I know for a fact that lying physically pains my partner, he cannot do it. If I find a paranoid thought popping into my head, it isn't even an issue for him bc I know not to trust the thought. He'd tell me if he wanted to leave, he'd tell me if he made a mistake that might affect our relationship. Remember, BPD-sufferers are trauma survivors. We don't demonize people diagnosed with PTSD, even though it has been known to make some people violent and abusive as a result of their trauma. We aren't bad people, nobody is. People make silly choices and hopefully they learn from it. Having BPD doesn't mean you can't have healthy relationships. In fact, once you start healing, you realise that all you can afford to have are healthy relationships. Some of the more mature people (40+ yrs old) you come across who seem to have nothing but lovely people around them were likely in the same boat as us once upon a time. They took it upon themselves to heal and be choosy about who surrounds them bc they knew that was the only way to be truly happy. Take care everybody!
As someone who has BPD, surrounded by close people suffering from it, I'd like to thank you for this way of approaching the subject. It is an illness very stigmatized and living with it is far from being easy, but it's not something that makes automatically the person evil or abusive. The key for me has been understanding that all of the suffering coming from the emotional dysregulation doesn't justify hurting others; after a rant, or a crisis we must take accountability for our actions but at the same time try to validate our emotions. Yes, we're learning, we're trying to do better, but if we start to half-apologize and justify our behaviour we're allowing for it to happen again.
This is the way. What you describe is exceedingly difficult, and a constant practice, but it is the key to a more fulfilling life.
You are awesome, internet stranger! I hope great joy comes your way.
in order not to let it turn into a crisis again, you may first have to be aware of your own emotions. But I think that is a bit difficult if everything depends so much on the outside. real adult intimacy and no mutual energy balance. When one takes and the other keeps giving and it doesn't help the bpd's to feel secure, result fore the partner, endlessly giving. . how should a partner keep up this relationship, without getting a burn out?
@@maritmeijer8269 I dont think that the way to make things work is by endlessly giving. Everyone should be responsible for their own emotions. If we talk about a crisis, for example, there's so much emotion that it cant be regulated psychologically, being with your partner at that moment won't be enough. It's something you should discuss with your partner first but the way to start to make things better is starting by changing the state of the body, i.e. a cold shower for 20', sport, breathing, and the partner can accompany the person going through the crisis by helping them following the steps to get there. It's not easy, and obviously if it starts being to much of a weight for you, you have to prioritize yourself, but there are ways to make it work out
i love this dude. thank you for helping people understand that people with mental illness are humans too.
I thoughtI was a bear for a second there
@@closerrl9851 nani the fuck bro 😂😂
It was so intense to spend time with diagnosed BPD girl that I was suddenly out of nowhere crying, even though I am a stable person and crying is very rare for me. It is so sad
I could relate. My boyfriend with BPD was the only one who made me cry for two weeks straight. I'm glad we're making progress. I just react less and choose peace, and it's so much better.
I feel so too, I used to rarely ever cry. Now I cry several times a week
I think that has less to do with their BPD and more to die with their action. You should not be suddenly out of nowhere crying. There’s a reason for that your avoiding
@Boosted_aj oh it has more to with their bpd
I do not argue with the statement that they will be stable if you are stable. They will make you unstable and make things even more unstable for both. The BPD person need to also fight to make things happen.
It feels horrible that instead of being both against the world, it is one against the world AND the BPD. Help the FP to love you. Cause it hurts A LOT.
I had this attitude, dated a lady with bpd for 2 years. I’m still in therapy over the time I spent with her.
Understand that the lows might involve abusive behaviour and being cheated on. The degree of volatility can be frankly traumatic.
Man was she great when things were good though.
Yeah, as a person with BPD, you do not have to put up with THAT. That’s just toxic AF. That’s not what he means by “ride the rollercoaster”. Not if it means a toxic relationship. We aren’t all like this!
When things are good, wait, things will be bad, wait, things will be good………..
I hate this stigma. I have a friend who has BPD and she tries really hard to get better. Works on her self and the symptoms have been seen less and less. Shes really trying and I am so happy for that. What I hate is jerks who stop talking to her if she tells them she has this dissorder. People assume the worst and its horrible. People in the comments saying they arent deserving of love make me so mad.
None of us asked for this and the heavy stigma doesn't help. I wish people would understand that we're already in enough pain and struggle enough with hating ourselves. We have a hard enough time on our own. One look at the statistics will show that.
Best of luck to your friend, there are people out there that are more patient and understanding and will be a better partner to her than the people she's been running into. Being open about mental health is a good thing, I hope she doesn't get scared into keeping it hidden.
People with bpd does not deserving love.
@@vadim.watchme Have a cookie
@@vadim.watchme Thank you for your opinion. This sentence says a lot about you.
Not bpd, but another disorder that affects my mood.
My boyfriend fully accepts my ups and downs.
He doesn't try to force them to change, he just rides the wave with me and mellows me as much as he can.
It's actually really refreshing, because past relationships always tried to force my emotions, which just lead me to get super angry.
I warned him before we started dating and told him if he ever needs a break, if he ever needs out he can. I will not judge him. He should never feel like I am his responsibility and he needs to stay with me as am obligation.
He's honestly my rock now. And getting a little "hey honey, did you do your breathing exercises yet?" can go such a long way.
And if it's really bad, sometimes he just hugs me really close and goes "breath" and it works.
Don’t know anything ab your situation but he seems great. if you don’t already, since you have a disorder that affects mood try to make sure if your down and get on him ab stuff or act poorly towards him to try to take notice of how you acted, or stuff you said you didn’t mean and acknowledge it and apologize if it’s required . My last long relationship was with someone dealing with a couple disorders and she never took accountability for her words and actions so I ended up feeling like I was the problem. it means alot if you can see it and recognize if your treating someone unfairly .( not trying to assume how you act and such just a thought to help with communication ) let him know when you’re in a bad spot and if he can help or not, either you wanna talk/spend time with him or just need alone time to clear your mind/work through a bad day. Hope that can help a little and not sound condescending :)
@@h3llblaz3r12 I understand your sour feelings towards your ex, what she did was awful.
BPD isn't an excuse for your shitty ex. She was just a shitty ex that had BPD.
Theres as many possible behaviours in BPD that might indicate becoming a victim of abuse and getting used, as there is for manipulation. It is as varied of a disorder as the human condition itself.
Please dont put the blame on her disorder, because youre inadvertedly hurting a lot of innocent people who have probably been in your shoes. BPD didnt make her a bad person, her choices did.
Amazing insight. How does he cope? With the worst of BPD?
@@MidnightBlue-q9m like I said I don't have bpd, so my mold swings aren't as severe, but I do have anger problems and get depressed quickly.
When I'm in a depression spiral he usually tries to talk to me and keep me occupied. If it's really bad he'll just cook food to make sure I at least eat and drink.
When it's an anger outburst he tries talking to me calmly and if that doesn't work he just ignores me and gets some distance until I cool off.
That always helps and I feel super fucking guilty.
He's never angry at me and he understands that I don't mean to hurt him, it's just my brain being weird.
He's generally really calm and collected, which helps.
Honestly haven't had many anger outburst since being with him because he knows all my triggers and never pushes them.
He told me the way he deals with it is the same way he deals with the kids (5-10) at his workplace and idk if I should be insulted or not 😂
Wow...🥺❤️❤️❤️❤️
I have BPD. My last girlfriend had BPD. I left not because she had BPD, but because she refused to work on her BPD. I was kind and stable to the best of my ability, but she didn't want to try.
Well there you have it.
That is a good reason to leave. If someone isn’t going or willing to work on their mental health- leave. The Doc missed saying that when a BPD has skills and manages or “well”; you’ll have the most AMAZING relationship!
I have strong abandonment issues, how can I work on it? How can i heal? 😢
Facts. I overcame BPD due to trauma because my husband was a rock. He told me that he knew it was something I was dealing with, and wasn't the real me. 19 years tomorrow ❤❤
My fiance may have a lot of heavy intense emotions but he's genuinely feeling them and that is so beautiful and worth working through together
Doesn't the Laugh and "good luck you're gonna need it!", somehow Contradict everything else talked about...? Or am I the only one noticing it?
There’s the clinical “proper” advice and his real opinion…which is clear. HE wouldn’t dare date someone with BPD.
when I told my therapist about my Borderline Ex Wife and all the things I did for her to try and make sure we made it…and how I regretted not being a better partner…he told me “Just be glad you made it out before y’all had kids….from what I can tell in my patients…the breakup is probably a blessing in disguise. It doesn’t tend to get better…it tends to get worse.” 😳
@@mattmunny3253 That all depends; I myself suffer from Borderline and I don't see myself in most of the things he talked about or what you just described... I'm more like you in your situation, I did everything I could to make the relationship work with my Fiance, I got us Couples therapy cause she couldnt understand her Jealousy and just kept blaming me for it, and nothing seemed good enough and she just kept screaming and accusing me of cheating which never and will never happen cause that snot who I am... All I've ever wanted is Love etc; But how everyone is talking so insanely negative and destructive about Borderline and how it is a Blessing to get rid of those people in your life; It really just makes me want to Kill Myself since you're all just telling me I'll never be happy, or that I will have to go through a lot more Hell to maybe attain it one day.
Maybe I'm misdiagnosed... I'd think I'd be a rather funny, interesting, enigmatic Patient for HealhyGamer and the Audience haha....
@@mattmunny3253 Also, I wish I had a Therpist like yours who speaks his mind lol, Swedens therapists are Insanely Clinical and it hasn't really helped me in 13 years
He knows its hard but if you love them and they are working on themselfs it can work. Thats what he is saying
@@tarinvernon7007 Sure, but it's still Contradicting, no? I myself have been Diagnosed with BPD, but I'm starting to think I've been misdiagnosed based on other peoples experiences and the Internet etc. because I don't really behave in ways described by most haha... Maybe that's why I find it contradicting
The media, and popular culture, often tell us the wrong things, tell us to give up at the first sign. If we're just on the first one or two dates, yes.
But if you're in what you've said is a committed relationship, don't run for the hills at the first signs, get help and do something worthwhile & beautiful.
I emphasize people with BPD a lot, it’s tremendously hard to live with this disorder, however if you’re constantly on guard and stressed around them, waiting for the next acting out episodes based on no real grounds it becomes unbearable and damages your health in the end, living with someone at the expense of your own mental health is simply wrong. I wish there was more people who are constantly at their most resourceful state and can create a good stable environment and help others with BPD to feel centered and at peace.
I tried my best. Flowers every week. Dinners. Chores off her hands. Paid the rent. Rubbed her feet. Fulfilled her fantasies. Listened to her. Told her how much I loved her. Showed how much I loved her. Spent all my free time with her. Then……..inevitably there would be one disagreement…one slip in my tone of voice…on day when I was tired, grumpy, or distracted…and 💥 💥💥💥 all that pent up rage & resentment would explode on me. I could watch it build up in her like a volcano about to erupt….no matter what I said or how I tried to distance myself she would come find me…follow me…re-engage until she had the final trigger to blow up on me. It’s hard to be that zen partner when the episodes take their toll on you…you start to get PTSD from their episodes and I was maintaining my bipolar disorder at the time…eventually she triggered my worst ever manic episode & when I asked her to separate…she took me to court and said I abused her.
Never. Again. I understand when these people say run. I was what so many would consider a near-perfect boyfriend / husband … my texts to her are all “Good Morning Queen, I left Dunkin’ Donuts on your desk - have a good day at work 💙” and to her credit she would do the same…but when it came down to conflict? I might as well have been the devil himself or every man that had ever abused her ~ I started to question…her stories about her exes …piecing things together I realized that she had chased some of them away. I understood why her family seemed so happy / surprised that I was normal / kind / in-love and wanted to marry her…they knew.
@@mattmunny3253Epic. Epic take. I vibed it on a personal level. You’re stronger and clearer-headed now having survived it, I have no doubt. You thrived it.
@@mattmunny3253 this is incredibly reliable for me right now. I'm at Max stress and breaking down during each fight, which never used to happen. When she blows up she says all the most hurtful things she could possibly concoct and lately it has become so much worse. I have been this calm rock for almost a decade and I'm starting to crack. I'm starting to feel sad all the time and although I have fought it for so long, I have begun to unavoidably resent it and her. I'm losing all confidence in myself to be able to get through these explosive phases. It's insane and I kind of need more stability in my life than what has been transpiring. I don't want to have to go to court over things I didn't do. I couldn't take that after it already happening from a previous ex years back. I'm kind of scared stiff and petrified into not knowing what to do.
I think the most important thing here is: is the person with the disorder is making an effort. A lot of us (I'm including myself bc yeah, I've done it and in hindsight its horrible) use our problems as a crutch to do toxic shit to our partners. Yes, consider the circumstances. But. If there's nothing you can do without compromising your own well being, nor there's anything they can (or won't) do, it's okay to move on. Illness is not a free card to get whatever you want. But if the person is genuinely trying, I promise, the payoff you'll get for sticking around is probably the most loyal and loving relationship you can get.
Is this from pov of a bpd or non
My sister had BPD and had the biggest softest heart in the whole world, she loved really hard. Despite the faults that come with BPD, they are the kindest people you will ever meet.
@@Red_1976 it is not love. They cannot have an adult attachment to anyone.
I followed the advice here. I did everything you said and it STILL did not work. I gave them everything you wanted and needed, all the support, therapy etc. and it wasn’t enough because it NEVER will be enough for a BPD sufferer who does not recognise it or wishes to really change
i agree. i'm so sorry that happened to you.
It will be enough for one who does recognise it and seek to change though. I'm sorry that wasn't your experience
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped no matter how hard you try.
Yes, refusing to change is the worst. I have BPD and I worked on myself and outgrew most of my symptoms through therapy, breath work and various other tools while my ex boyfriend -also a BPD refused to even admit that he had a problem and was a nightmare and rather than move forward with me he was making me backtrack which resulted in me breaking it off with him. BPD or not, self awareness and self growth takes you a long way..not all BPDs are the same and I’m sorry for your experience. Most of us do want to get better, and we are considerate and accountable, some of us aren’t and I can see how much it can affect someone.
As someone with bpd, if the person with bpd really wants to work on themselves and have a healthy relationship, they should be in some type of therapy to work on themselves. It's an everyday battle..with yourself.
So they shouldn’t procrastinate on that right. If they aren’t trying to help themselves then they are fully responsible for all the abuse. Right? They know what they doing and that they need help so they should do it. If not for themselves, for others! Most things like this and drug addiction is actually not about you but helping others. They get stuck in loop of only trying to help themselves not realizing there big problem is how they treat others. Making them feel bad and confused more. Does any of this make sense?
@@stringbender3I hope you understand that every BPD individual is different, there are some of us who are self aware and keep working on themselves (I’m on remission and I barely have any symptoms now) while my ex who also had BPD refused to acknowledge anything that he did and that he even had a problem in the first place and showed me hell which made me leave him. Not everyone’s the same..please don’t generalise or project your one individual experience. I have many healthy friendships and bonds now and neither am I abusive nor are they unhappy..they constantly remind me how worthy I am of love because I didn’t get it in my childhood and I make sure I’m a better individual with all of them. BPD is work..some do it, some don’t.. my cousin (also a BPD) is a nice person too, she wouldn’t harm an ant and she’s in a happy marriage. She did the work too, to get there.
@@rrinrinrin yes it’s the untreated ones that are basically narcs until they try to change
@@rrinrinrin I think your the one projecting, not me. It is their responsibility.
@@rrinrinrin or they “change” But are still energy vampires and not self aware with very very weak empathy. They may feel better mirroring and sucking energy and think they changed but how about ask them ppl around them how they feel. Everyone is different just like a narc. But they are still the most fundamentally messed up ppl. Even top psychologist like Jordan Peterson day if you end up with one the only thing he suggests is: Run for the hills!
As someone who has "fixed" a BPD the second key besides you being stable is that they have to WANT to get better. Just like every other mental problem if the person with it doesn't actually want to change then you get the situation that some other commenters are talking about where the BPD person resents your happiness even if they helped you make it.
I really appreciate the stuff you say here about BPD
I’m a guy, I’ve never really had a solid long term relationship because I think I have BPD. I hate myself every day for it. I can’t stop thinking about all the ways I screwed up and all the ways I’ve hurt the people I care about.
I largely just isolate myself anymore because you can’t hurt people if you don’t let them get close, but it’s a miserable existence. It’s pushed me multiple times to consider ending it all because sometimes I feel hopeless about recovery. I’m scared to tell anyone about it because I don’t want them to hate me.
Seeing you talk about people like me and treating them as human beings helps me to keep my head up. I appreciate your tact and skill in discussing these hard topics.
You will find your tribe. It takes time. But, you need to get out there to find at least one person to start with.. don’t give up. You are loved.
Exactly what I needed to hear thanks this gave me a ton of relief. Currently dealing with my girlfriend who I love very much is an amazing beautiful person inside and out in every way and everyday it has been a challenge and at times I get confused a bit but I keep telling my self don’t give up on her because I know she’s a great person and I genuinely want to see her happy I love seeing her smile
As someone with bpd I’ll say this: If they are diagnosed bpd and are taking active steps in improving symptoms (several kinds of therapy, being more aware of their emotions and triggers, etc) then it can work, if not you can try to help them by researching those things yourself, but if they don’t respond to it just leave them.
My ex was a very mentally unstable woman. Im thinking about what dr k said here and im seeing a lot in common. She was very self destructive when i met her and she eventually realised it was ok to break apart and wouldnt get judged or yelled at like her parents did. Stopped puking. Stopped being mean to herself. Started making friends. I had been going through some rough things in my life, including a lot of death and she had no clue how to support me as she sucks with empathy. Having to deal with her unstable mind, a long distance relationship i didnt want, a new physically demanding job, grief, all my chores, responsibilities, new born kittens to take care for and having to stay up late so she doesnt cry, it started weighing on me. The more tired i got the more tired she got. She went from being this incredible, energetic, intelligent, creative woman to her old toxic shell. Ended up cheating on me with a man she barely knew online and now shes more miserable than ever. Its hard to remind myself theres only so much i could have done and in the end of the day she chose to ruin her life, not me
You are the best therapist on RUclips your videos are the only ones that don’t give me anxiety and actually give me hope thank you for what you do bro
I'm BPD and I'm so tired and sad of being portrayed as a monster when I'm only scared. Luckily my partner understands and we have a few rules he agreed on so that I can feel safe. He doesn't feel abused either by those rules because they provide great reliability for both of us.
could i ask what the rules are as someone in a relationship with someone who has bpd?
What kind of rules?
I agree but only if they are putting the work in themselves, self aware and acknowledges abusive behaviour and the impact it has on people. I have BPD and I’m constantly self reflecting and trying to do better and be aware of my actions… my ex also had bpd but refused to acknowledge how scared I was of him during his rage episodes, how using all my trauma against me as a weapon had massively impacted me, refused to see how any of his behaviour was abusive, took no responsibility and blamed it all on me. I had to walk away because he was controlling me without acknowledging that anything needed to change. It’s videos like this that made me stay for longer because I felt so guilty leaving him, as I agree, BPD comes from significant trauma, and everyone deserves a chance at love. But it’s a dangerous message to send without clarifying that no one should have to tolerate abuse and violence, no matter what the illness is.
Dr K! You are the best, the leader that teach us empathy and compassion!
From the long version of the video:
People with BPD CAN get better, though it takes years.
To make relationships work with a BPD person he suggests that both you and the other person go into therapy individually.
Is this even worth it results wise. What percentage of them can be better? Are we not taking anomalies & making them a fantasy target for partners who have seen the good & worst. Personally I think we encourage things we don't understand. This leads to more broken people by idealistic professional advice. Some professionals won't even treat BPD patients for personal safety concerns when the patient becomes volatile & rages with fury. This a issue only God can handle or have patience for
@@MidnightBlue-q9mare you seriously going to say that? It may not be worth it to you but this is a very dangerous statement. I have bpd and I have never been a violent person because I believe in karma. Have fun with yours sir.
@@MidnightBlue-q9mdepending on the study, research shows that anywhere between 50-80% of people with BPD show significant symptom remission (often to the point they no longer meet the BPD criteria) within 4 years of treatment, with a very low rate (typically between 5-10%) of symptom recurrence. By contrast, Axis I disorders, like major depression or bipolar, tend to have a much quicker recovery, but they have a much greater rate of relapse and often have multiple recurrences of symptoms after treatment. BPD is currently consider one of the most successfully treated disorders specifically because once symptom remission begins, symptom remission and recovery tends to be more stable than other disorders.
@user So...therapists won't help but God will? I don't know man...
Now that I recognize how & I mirror my partner's persona...
So, with that knowledge, I now only allow quality people in my bubble, so that the people I will be mirroring are highly stable! ❤
Woah! I am coming around to the possibility that I might have undiagnosed BPD and I have never been in a relationship before and this instills me with only the utmost confidence!
Seriously though. I love Bojack, I've recently watched some of the Ofir Sasson videos, and I relate to a lot of the experiences Bojack has gone through. Long periods of loneliness where I try to figure it out or fix everything for myself, broken up by emotional breakdowns and desperate attempts at reaching out. I can't be sure but I'm starting to think of a couple of events in my early childhood that could be contributors.
But I doubt myself
My BPD ex-wife’s favorite show was Bojack…I never connected the dots until you just said that.
Thank you. When I find someone stable it is the best thing for me. Love is so healing and we crave it like you wouldn't believe. It makes me feel like crap when I see videos saying to run from us but I do understand. Ive done a lot to work on myself and just want a loving healthy relationship but my fear of abandonment and everything else makes that difficult.
Ten years ago I met the most stable and mentally healthiest person I know. Today I am almost cured! Dr. K is right ❤
Guys omg, the ones who have a problem with this video are the ones equating BPD with abuse (that yes sometimes goes together but not always). You're making up stuff that he never mentioned (like as I said abuse, ruining your life, etc). If the thing isn't working for you of course leave, no it's not your responsibility. He's just saying that if you want to stay that it's going to be harder and maybe it would be useful to remove the stigma a bit so you don't want to run when the first sing shows. Damn. You're free, do whatever you want geez.
right. people stereotyping those with bpd as being abusive is so hurtful. i have bpd and many others that do are extremely empathic. bpd can not force you to hurt other people its still the persons decision making
@@erupmi If you have it all under control with no effect on your life or the people around you, then you wouldn’t have BPD. That’s kinda the whole deal with disorders, it’s bad enough to affect things.
@@JamEngulfernot true at all. BPD can seriously damage your relationships even without acting out constantly. It can cause you to self isolate and stay trapped in a hopeless bubble. It manifests in different ways.
@@WhatDuhDogDoin I didn’t say it had to be because of acting out, but generally BPD-driven behaviours that affect your relationships with other people will have a negative effect on those people. It doesn’t have to be abusive or anything, but it’s important to acknowledge that having a negative effect on the people in your life is pretty much a given with BPD, whether it’s directly or indirectly.
I don't have a problem with BPD people. I have an issue when they claim they are blameless and put it all on me.
I got enough of that with my mother. I'll accept blame when deserved, but I'm not going to allow myself to be abused for another person's benefit again.
@@Dimitris_Half Oi James this person said they don’t have a problem with BDP people. They are just referring to the ones that DO do this as opposed to the ones who don’t.
Unfortunately people with bpd often make poor parents. A divorce with children involved can be very difficult to navigate when your ex has bpd.
Thankyou so much for your empathy 💜✨
It is very hard to know that someone else's stability depends on you.
Lmao you wouldn't have made it 40 years ago 😂
It's New Years in a couple of hours and I have isolated myself from everyone around me to keep them safe from my erratic behaviours. I have been watching/reading a lot of material to determine which of the Cluster B personalities I fall into and then deduced that there must be other larger clusters and Lo and Behold there are. Now, I am ever more confused as to which cluster I most belong to. I find it so frustrating to not be able to have a clear sense of where I fit. I can only go with what I mostly appear to be but that can also change on any given day. I am trying to take psychology seriously but a lot of it just comes across like the B.S. in astrology. I like your channel because you are compassionate first and foremost and rationalize, articulate issues in ways that I can work with to a degree. Thank you for acknowledging that this beast deserves beauty as well. As well, because of your extensive discussions on the negative affects of weed for people with ADHD and personality disorders, I have been struggling to not use again. I stopped 4.5 months ago but this last week has been really challenging. Much of your content has been keeping me from using again and valuing my sobriety as a strong ally.
I think i might have bpd. I check every box for it and have since i was 14. In recent years i have become more self aware, learning a lot about myself, going to regular therapy and generally working on myself with the intention of eventually recvoering from these symptoms. Im a really caring, emotionally available partner but i also struggle with codependency. It really scares me that everyone in the comments seem to despise or fear people with bpd.
Remember, check out the other personality clusters as well. I just did that and frustratingly, I can say that I have characteristics of every description in every category! I guess the best takeaway here is that we are exploring and trying to be a more positive impact on others or at the very least, limit the amount of damage/disruptions we cause in other people's lives.
I went ahead with the relationship with my BPD man and married him.
He then became more abusive and shows major signs of covert narcissism.
Be careful about how you go about any relationship with a mentally ill individual. Please. It could end up being a dangerous situation in the future.
I felt like you were writing down my story.
He might be a covert borderline, and unfortunately they have partially transition to be narc.
I heard from Dr. Sam Vaknin that this is could be a pretty sick combination: BPD, NPD and secondary pyschopathy. Be really careful please.
Same here. He was "just" BPD when I met him and it took me a decade to realize he was BPD (he was misdiagnosed as bipolar and schizoaffektiv) and got only pharmaceutical therapy and as his life got increasingly unsuccessful he got abusive and morphed into a covert narcissist.
@@juliettailor1616 oh it must of been hell for you too. I’m really sorry that you had to go through all of this Julie. I have had a similiar story, it took me decade to realise the person I loved was a covert borderline. Luckily we never got together.
You are so compassionate and such an advocate for this population. I just saw another psychiatrist from Canada saying many health providers are working from very archaic models of BPD and have the outdated stance it's not treatable. People with a health condition from cancer to a personality disorder need treatment and compassion. And yes if a partner/friend is being harmed or abused they need to leave and protect themselves. But try and be kind. pwBPD really are suffering alot.❤
This is sad and heart breaking. Whatever the terrible disorder a person may have, but still their love is true. Yes if we are not having strength to handle their ups and downs, it's realy painfull because on one side we badly want to end the toxic relationship. But on other side we love them and they love us. It's very painfull if stay and even if u leave.
Its true in this situation dynamics of relationship is toxic. But that dosnt mean the person is toxic. They are genuinely helpless with their own mental issue. I realy feel hugging them and telling them all the nice words and want to rescue them. But I am not capable. I myself is terribly flawed in first place
Thank you very much. i have bpd and your words are merciful to me. may God bless you and all who you love!
Not my wife’s problem to deal with my problems. Otherwise I’d send this to her. The mirroring is so true though. Never thought of it that way.
Thank you for this! I am a male BPD and I encourage this message! :)
This view and attitude has taken me into the deepest abyss of my life. You will be torn to shreds if you keep focusing on what they deserve, and how things should be, and how they could be if only you try harder to be a good partner. BPD is a contagious illness, in the sense that you get invaded and colonized with their negativity. YOU deserve better! Beware of bad counselors and save your soul.
I wish you were wrong.
Lmao your soul will be nice all crispy
That good luck got me as you can't ignore their highs and lows and that's what make it roller coaster.
Most depressing thing is their manipulative attitude and they keep on lows and highs on extended hours/days.
Its a tough choice to be with them irrespective how much love and care you have for them. Speaking from experience.... and almost giving up..
Is your partner in therapy?
As a borderline, we do get better
"wonderful, beautiful human being" is very true. My bf has BPD, many tried to make me steer away bc of that but I knew better and still do, would never EVER trade him for anything or anyone else ever💝
If you see someone drowning you should give them a hand and try to pull them out, but you should also be careful that they don't pull you in the ocean with them and from mine experience and everyone around me the end result was always the same
I promise you self sabotage is real. Smh if anything goes wrong makes me feel uncomfortable its like fight or flight but always on flight. I realized i came to a point when i was younger of. Everyone who comes in my life leaves they disappoint me in someway. They dont really care kind if thought process because actions speak louder then words. So now as an adult when in a relationship i tend to dismiss the relationship before it can get serious. Or even more serious. Especially if the dude is super handsome now im like o yea your definitely going to cheat on me. You wont be happy with me and i end up leaving or trying to make them hate me so they can leave. I end up hurting myself everytime. And even if I don't mean it its like i rather be alone to deal with whatever is going on in my head but at the same time. I want love i want someone to want me. So its difficult for me. I also didnt have a father so maybe thats a reason to why i dont know how a guy is suppose to show his love. Because we can say we know how we want to be treated but reality is men have their own way of thinking way different then how women think. He may think he is doing everything to make life lovely but to a woman its nothing or the bare minimum. So yea theres a lot going on here. And even still i cant fully pinpoint why im like this. I dont want to be like this. I dont want to think like this. I honestly thought we all did until i startes seeing how ppl can stay focused on a task and actually succeed without feeling like the largest pieces of crap on the earth
With bpd every emotion is on 1000 and i hate it. I shouldnt walk in the room and feel what everyone is feeling. I should be able to look at someone crying without having to cry myself but can i? Nope water works. Ok im done. I know i need therapy but these therapist are booked honey lol
Thank you for sharing! As a man…I tried my best. Flowers every week. Dinners. Chores off her hands. Paid the rent. Rubbed her feet. Fulfilled her fantasies. Touched her cervix 7-20 times per week. Listened to her. Funded a joint account so she would never have to spend her own money. Told her how much I loved her. Showed how much I loved her. Spent all my free time with her. Date nights. Relationship cue cards. Couples mani pedis & massages… things would be wonderful. (her anxiety kept us inside more often) Then……..inevitably there would be one disagreement…one slip in my tone of voice…one day when I was tired, grumpy, or absentminded as human as all of us can be…and 💥 💥💥💥 all that pent up rage & resentment would explode on me. I could watch it build up in her like a volcano about to erupt….no matter what I said or how I tried to distance myself she would come find me…follow me…re-engage until she had the final trigger to blow up on me. It’s hard to be that zen partner when the episodes take their toll on you…you start to get PTSD from their episodes and I was maintaining my bipolar disorder at the time…eventually she triggered my worst ever manic episode & when I asked her to separate…she took me to court and said I abused her.
I was what so many would consider a near-perfect boyfriend / husband … my texts to her are all “Good Morning Queen, I left Dunkin’ Donuts on your desk - have a good day at work 💙” and to her credit she would do the same…but when it came down to conflict? I might as well have been the devil himself or every man that had ever abused her ~ I started to question…her stories about her exes …piecing things together I realized that she had chased some of them away. I understood why her family seemed so happy / surprised that I was normal / kind / in-love and wanted to marry her…they knew. Even men that show their love in the best way possible aren’t enough to break through BPD…you have to be on point 100% of the time…and if I was on point for too long….she would get cut off in traffic or get some rude customer service and she would come home ready to commit a homicide, cut herself, drink, smoke, and blow up at me if I didn’t immediately start soothing. All that and she WAS in therapy every week for over a year…it got a lot better but my mental health was fraying by the time it did…and even then it was just rage episodes… at least I wasn’t wrestling razor blades out of her hands anymore. I would beg. Plead. Cry. For her to stop going after me so viciously. I started to have PTSD dreams of being an abused woman. I knew I had to go when I felt completely numb after one of her episodes…my inner child no longer felt safe and retreated deep inside. It was like all my emotions washed away and life went grey. It stayed that way for days…I was just silent zombie walking through life. I knew I had to get out of there.
Audiance whom are reading this, please focus on your own healing and growth. You are not a savior or hero to anyone. Wise person focuses on her or his own healing.
Love is not a cure for this people. They need to go through series of therapy and take responsibility for their own actions. If you find yourself attracting narcs or borderline, ask yourself. Why do you keep attracting this people in your life.
Thank you for sharing this. You’re right on. We all need love. BPD more love w patience
Only way to make it work is if this is discussed immediately when you start thinking about getting serious. I spent over 3 years with a woman with quiet bpd. First year made me think, second year i spent setting boundaries, third year was complete shit until she flipped out when i said too much damage had been done. She literally screamed “I know what im doing isnt right” at the top of her lungs and tried stealing my brand new car. Ill say this, out of 8 billion people not all of them have a life lonh journey filled with work to stay from being miser
So basically, "be the person that you want them to be".
Idk. Feels like walking on eggshells with them... u don't need to leave them but if u don't talk with caution they will take things out of context and get mad over essentially nothing and leave if u don't immediately apologise, take their side and bend reality to how they see it...just my experience... they're hard to be around
💯
Any disorder is hard. But you have to be a strong minded person to date someone with a disorder. That goes for anything in life.
Sounds more like bipolar
@@trishthedishlunaNo, that's absolutely BPD.
No. I’m done with not putting myself first. I’m tired of putting other peoples well-being above my own when no one has done the same for me. I wish them well though
And that contradicts because? Bpd myself, the best thing that can help me is if my partner is as stable as possible and guards his borders very well and trains me almost dog way to get the habit of rrspecting them. If I rely on you to understand who I am and you can't leep one rule in place and bend left and right withe what does it say about me also. Bpd needs securoty amd the stronger the frame the more secure I'll feel leaning onto it. So yeah, put your needs first, then have space for taking care of bpd beloved or you won't be able to take care of them the correct way even
You can do all of that and love someone with BPD. It's entirely YOUR problem if you're putting others before yourself.
@@ontheline3421no bpd needs jail
ahhhh thank you for this video... i've been wanting to get into a relationship but have been deathly afraid to. i don't want to hurt anybody and i don't want to get hurt. my last relationship i was in a toxic situation and was quite toxic myself, so was my partner. it's hard trying to get out there and feeling horribly broken
As someone with bpd who’s been single for almost 10 years now, it honestly feels hopeless at this point
I really like this Doctor. He knows his stuff 👍
Me and my ex-wife both have BPD and depression, not the best combination.
At least one of the partners needs to have at least some stability.
We just dragged eachother down.
Glad to see our son has never been diagnosed with any mental illness.
He did suffer from how we (dis) functioned as parents though.
My fiancè has BPD. It's been 8years on and off and before marriage, we are now in counselling to cement that stability. But man, I needed to hear this so much! Thank you. It's really hard. I believe it's worth it 100%. And weirdly, having to be the stable one has made me a better person.
Grifting coin telling people to stay in toxic relationships. It wasn't the media that told ME to run for the hills, it was the police.
Bro really pull out the "I can fix them" mindset
My personal experience with an exgf with BPD was terrible and I would never date anyone with the disorder ever again. The constant “broken-record” arguments everyday is enough to pull your hair out and that’s amongst other things. I truly feel for people with BPD, but their feelings don’t justify any toxic behavior directed at their loved ones. Get into therapy and stay with it, your mental health is important.
just to be clear, i understand if you’re traumatized from an experience and want to stay away from all things to do with it, but you do know not all people with BPD exhibit hurtful behavior towards their loved ones right? i have BPD and i personally don’t, and everyone i’ve met with BPD before i even got the diagnosis a few years ago have been some of the most kind, big hearted people i know.
edit - to clarify, i do believe going to therapy and taking responsibility for your actions is something you should always do when you have any mental health condition if the circumstances permit.
@@v4mpiregirlfriend So before you got diagnosed with BPD you never gaslighted, manipulated, or did some splitting to your partners? I’m not even referring to physical abuse, but also emotional and verbal.
@@e.paradigm7415 i’m well aware of emotional abuse at all times trust me, has happened to me more times than i can count. but no, i absolutely never gaslit or manipulated any of my partners or loved ones. i knew manipulation from a very young age since it happened to me, and by the time i was old enough to have partners i already knew it was something that hurt people, and i didn’t want to hurt people. i experienced splitting, but i never treated anyone like a monster or anything because of how i thought about them. i still had decency in my actions. people, no matter what they have, can choose to be conscious of what would and wouldn’t hurt people.
@@v4mpiregirlfriend That’s amazing that you have that level of self awareness to break that cycle of abuse, however not a lot of people have that level of awareness for their actions. I understand how challenging it is for pwBPD, however abusive behavior is very prominent in couples with a BPD partner.
@v4mpiregirlfriend look this bpd b word trying to justify her actions
This short, especially that last bit with the smile, made me smile big and fall in love with my wife all over again
2 books come to mind; “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” and “Stop Walking on Eggshells”
Some BP’s have behaviors more severe than others, some have additional diagnosis of Narcissistic behavior. Some people may be able to handle a relationship that can be volatile others may crumble.
The overall result is the Borderlines present with black and white thinking. You get highs and you also get lows. And you get them randomly.
Intermittent rewards keep a person spending every last cent at the Casino.
I have bpd and i think no man deserves to experience my horrible life and i dont have anything to offer except emptiness
Sorry, but I became more and more stable in my marriage, I even took a 12 week class to conquer fear which helped tremendously for my self control, but she said that doesn't work for me, and became more unhinged over the years. BPD, and having a relationship with someone who has it can wreck your own self worth. She asked for a divorce, and I wish her well, my self esteem is all coming back now.
i am so sorry that happened to you and that she gave in to her disorder. it must've been such a struggle, i wish you healing and good thoughts. and i hope that you're in a better place now.
You're a great, good and wonderful man, Doctor!😊👍✨ I appreciate you.❤✨
LEAVE. Unless you want stress and repeated heartbreak to kill you before your time. One’s intentions don’t negate the reality of the damages they cause others. Speaking from experience, save yourself. You can’t save them and they can’t consistently or truly love you in a humane way. They cause sheer torture, confusion, and deep suffering. They’re already dead inside save yourself.
idk. the person with bpd who I was with was generally a good person and our characters matched well, but she also had 0 empathy for anyone around or for herself. the relationship just wasn't sustainable or normal
lmao that good luck was funny as hell since im in relationship with someone who suffers from bpd and it's at times everyday thing, just needing some good luck
GET OUT! They're not gonna get better they're gonna get so much worse, you can't even imagine how bad it can be. Get out.
LEAVE THEM
you deserve someone who can love you
I would recommend you leave.
From someone who was married to someone with BPD for 10 years. I didn’t even know how much it impacted me until I left and felt SO much relief.
This also applies to friendships. After 30 plus years of dealing with my supposed "best friend" that's BPD and countless breakups, I simply will not stand for the consistent boundary crossing. I have a congenital heart defect and have had so many complications since open heart surgery. This last little, big meltdown of hers, was enough. I told her I needed a little space to process the ultrasound I had, had the day before. Her response to me was that I was hurtful and rejectful and that there are 24 hours in a day and that I wasn't a good friend to her since I needed a little space for 5 minutes. I'm sorry, after her making every single tiny thing about her, the manipulation, the insults, the berating, the grooming tactics and honestly her downright, seemingly, narcissism, I HAVE to step back, once again, in a huge way. Everything is made into about her. Literally. I suppose the last 6 months or so, she has given me a purpose in feeling like I am giving someone a soft place to fall. Toxic of me, I know. It's difficult when my own health has blind sided me like a train off the rails, when I used to be so very healthy and there's zero understanding from her end. I've done my very best to be understanding and I have been. I simply can't take the imbalance or lack of friendship anymore. I don't feel supported, because, well I'm not. And, it hurts me deeply that now she wants to insult my own health that I never signed up for. Constantly judging me and slinging insults at me over my health. I am not sorry, any longer, for taking 5 freaking minutes to process my, justified, anxiety.
I hope you're doing better now. The person you are describing does not sound like a "friend." I hope you have other true friends in your life.
My wife got bpd. She's kinda wild, but I love her.
this is so true though, my healthiest relationship was with someone that was so stable and it made me feel safe. too bad they randomly broke up with me lol. now im in a relationship that was hard to fight for, but we're getting to a better place now.
Nope. They gotta work on themself before they get in a relationship, period.
I was so focused on my girlfriend being either a narcissist or having bpd and now that I’ve learned and researched about the two, I actually think that I am the one with BPD!! It was a wtf moment and I emailed my psychiatrist right away
@@ChristopherSmith-cn9uo Congrats! And don't worry, there are nuances and degrees of BPD. The probability is high, that you're just having some traits. So it might be with your partner. Also narcissists can just reveal having some traits.
Finally the relationship gets clearer and new do's and don'ts have to be defined.
I was a very stable person.. then I met someone who ghosted me and came back.. this created abandonment fear and when he finally came back strong by that time I had lost trust and his inconsistency I could sense which triggered my fear.. but I think it was situational with only him.. we should always choose stable partners so we r stable ❤
Noooo if you fit together, you fit together. I mean, masochsism and sadism could fit together nicely, while enjoying their urges, but it wont look like one of those media healthy relationships
Listen man, if i learned one thing, if you got issues, you gotta work on them, and yes if you work on them and on fixing yourself, another person can choose to support you and be with you, but what you're saying is some higher level of copium, no matter how much I'd be working on myself if they don't want to change, if they don't put effort into it, they're not gonna change, it's not a matter of giving up on them, it's a matter of respecting our own health. Life is not fair, some people have it rough in life, it's not bad, but staying that way is Their toxic choice
I hope Dr. K is paying for those divorces, hospital bills, therapy, lost jobs, reputation destruction, etc. that comes from not leaving a partner with borderline persobality disorder.
Pure codependency I've just heard.
Being in a relationship with somebody with BPD is like watching somebody drowning in front of you and not only that you can not save them - you drown with them! They pull you down into the abyss as well.
Exactly. If you offer help to someone and they are clearly struggling and choose to attack you and hurt you more, then it really isn’t something that is acceptable. It is ok to refuse help, but wrong to try to hurt those who want to support you
Sounds more like bipolar
@nkmensah the divorce rate for BP1 is over 90%, whereas for BPD it's similar to the general population average. evidently bipolar is more likely to make relationships unable to work out
@@zedbodyAs far as I know, though, there are no meds for BPD, but there are some bipolar…not to mention certain supplements.
I have BPD and I appreciate what you said.
and i don't. Ppl with bpd are selfish abusive people who have no real emphaty or capacity to love.
I have BPD and have been very abusive to people in my life.
Don't put up with that shit. Yeah we can be very amazing lovers for a bit butthe disorder always wins. Some people don't deserve love it's sad but that's the truth. I only do fwb because I know I'm an absolute psycho in a real relationship
We have to be honest. BPD is Unresolved Trauma. I had severe childhood trauma and don’t have BPD because I commit to heal wounds (a lifelong process), I choose to give and receive love, and I refuse to abuse others to assuage my pain.
My BPD ex refuses to seek treatment. Other times, she promised she would & never did.
My ex has BPD. I always showed her love and understanding. I never blamed her for the way she acted the or why she handled situations in the way she did but she also lied and cheated so mamy times. I dont pretend that i know whats going through her head but i am still there for her even know we're not together
The good luck you’re gonna need it at the end… come in Dr. K. Have some compassion for the suffering
I disagree. I know people . Great people but they suck the life out of people around them because everyone has to tiptoe for them and they never move even half an eyelash for anyone else
My 32 yo son is BPD and it's getting worse. He will not seek therapy. After a horrible meltdown last week he pretty much alienated me, one of his brothers and my partner. I am heart broken and emotionally devastated but at 66 yo I just can't continue to deal with this. I cannot imagine being romantically involved with someone who thinks EVERYONE is out to get them and who is constantly controlling and just obnoxious. I love him dearly and want nothing but good things and success for him but I'm to the point where I just can't be around him. He has a good job just got a great promotion good looking and when you meet him you like him but the other side of that is just destruction and devastation And again it brings me no joy to say this I've had the worst days in recent memory dealing with this
I needed to hear this, my boyfriend who I want to marry has this and we are meant to be. He is the most amazing person ever. After speaking to a couple where the girl had it, it confirmed what I thought and I will never give up on him. Thank you so much for this.
A very close friend of mine has been diagnosed a couple months before, we met 3 years ago and almost developed a relationship. The intensity and the burden she carries just overwhelms me the most as I became her safety spot to vent and feel safe, but this is destroying my mental health, she did some things that I cannot feel even good around her anymore. Now, I am divided if I should still support her and try a different approach or take my own path and let her be.
Real talk, do what’s safest. It sounds like this person is a good friend of yours, but isn’t necessarily a very healthy person for you right now.
here's a tumblr quote I always think about that really has helped me in my work in healthcare: "You tell people to get help or get therapy but you overlook the fact that the help/therapists you're talking about are PEOPLE."
We are all people and while you must put your own wellbeing first, that doesn't mean you're to pawn someone off so that they're "someone else's" problem. People impove with fellow people and while someone might not fit with you, that doesn't mean the person should be demonized and disallowed to find people who will not demonize them and help them do better.
I was in a relationship with someone with bpd. In the end it didn't really work out. I think it was because I stopped being as stable as I was. Feels bad to have the relationship come crashing down if you start feeling just a little bit of weakness.
Now I'm in another relationship and in this one I get a chance to fail and to be weak and instead of things crashing I get uplifted by my partner.
I wish everyone who is in a relationship with someone who has bpd the best of luck.
Knowing a few people with borderline has made it more clear how they are and act. It’s all slightly different but you can see the same traits in all of them so it’s easier to find out they have it and act accordingly