I wish we could talk about ourselves as having different traits or characteristics or approaches; I don't feel that my ways of interacting with the world are "symptoms". Especially when so many NT traits are so very harmful to our planet, maladaptive on all sorts of scales... but considered normal; "their personality", "their choice".
That’s totally the truth social wise I’m a mix of introvert and extrovert aka an inextrovert I guess and I’ve never been a fan of anything that makes explosive sounds even glass breaking has me shocked but not be as frightened as explosive sounds such as from normal balloons and fireworks exedra exedra
The first bit about being extroverted as a child hit me hard. My parents said "I just stopped talking one day." Well yeah, because I kept getting told what I was saying was wrong. Then we moved to a new city and I was bullied really bad. I always have this feeling of no one liking me and having no idea why.
LITERALLY ME! My mom always tells me “you were so outgoing as a kid, I would always tell people: you’re never bored with daphne!” It’s upsetting to hear because she typically follows that up with “I want THAT person back”…😔
Same here. I was a happy child who wanted to talk with people and make friends but when you're constantly told you're weird or not acting like everyone else, it adds up over time. Even worse, my parents treated me like that so it started at home. Also had to deal with homophobia as well so you could imagine how little I wanted to be myself growing up
I think I might be autistic, but I don't wanna self diagnose. I relate to a lot of things mentioned in the video, but it could just be my social anxiety.
For me, I never fit in as a kid. I always knew I was different and was self conscious. Friend groups were hard because I always had the paranoia that they secretly hate me. For a long time I thought that it was just social anxiety, until I started noticing that I just didn’t talk at all. Not even to my friends or family.
It's a very common for autistic people to feel like they are "aliens", quite literally, until they find out about what autism entails or meet others exactly like them. You know it soon too, I knew it as soon as I got into school and realized nothing made sense and everyone hated me because they seemed to be able to also spot that I am an alien, that I don't belong around them. I would say this could be a development from getting bullied but really this was like the very first week of elementary school that already I was the #1 target for the kids and even the teachers, they all hated me almost instantaneously and I genuinely could not understand WHY. Hell I got diagnosed at age 7 with clinical depression because the difference was so stark and still so unclear on its origin that I became borderline suicidal. The alien feeling never really goes away, but at least I know why I feel that way now, y'know. I don't talk much either by the way, even as a child I would only talk minimally and usually only with practiced language like just saying "please" and "thank you" because being "polite" and nothing else for some reason got most adults to just leave me the hell alone.
THE PARANOIA YEs!! until i secretly recorded them talking about me, it wasn’t that bad but still. now im going into 10th grade with almost no friends :-)
I always think to myself "why the hell i meed to go and talk to them? If we were really friends they would talk to me too" i still can't understand im the one who need to start the converstaion bc the other side would never
I always felt like there was something wrong with me. Like everyone knew it, but no one would tell me. I litterally never had friends, I just couldn't make friends. Not even in pre K. I felt so out of place. I remember crying to my mom about it alot. I didn't make real friends until after school and after learning about autism/aspurgers and realizing thats probably what I have. I've never been diagnosed but man, that is such an extream thing to experience, and figuring this out was such a game changer, that I don't see how I wouldn't have it.
When you talked about the way you grew up as an extrovert but had to learn to be an introvert to survive after being reprimanded over and over again for social things you didn't understand. And eventually becoming more introverted because of that. I also definitely understand that and the deep feeling of loneliness that comes with it.
RIGHT?? like god i seriously can't tell if this is some underlying issue that isn't autism but the experience is so spot on and even without a disability that experience was so beyond awful
exactlyy bc i didn’t really have that physical reprimanding from other people i think i kind of did it to myself. i would always punish myself for saying the wrong thing or not doing the right thing or just not fitting in the way i wanted to. i can definitely relate to that intense loneliness it’s like you crave social interactions but everything you do is wrong
lol I told a friend (Jorge Avila) that I used to be extrovert but since few experiences and events I become full introvert x.x and i guilt my externals problems 🥲😊🥲
The one thing that people say that absolutely crushes me is when I meet new people and try to talk a lot and contribute to conversations to then have someone turn to me and ask “why are you so quiet, why don’t you talk?” Like ugh what was I draining myself for in the first place tf
Sounds like you may have gone through what I did. I was extroverted until kids started bullying me, first at church, then at school, daily, and it never stopped until I dropped out of high school, took my GED, and started community college with actual adults who knew how to behave like civilized human beings. Things started getting a little easier after that, but making friends is always hard for me - I have PTSD from my school years and that just never goes away.
I went through the same thing you did no one understand the trauma of being bullied as a child and the permanent effect it has on you your entire life: your love life, not making friends, not liking people, not getting along with people at work, being judegmental when a kid shoots up the school they goto people wonder why and how that could happen - I understand it perfectly
I went through bullying from my peers and even my teachers, but my sister brushes off that trauma by saying it’s apart of god’s plan, and that it happened for a reason. Well if that’s true then I fucking hate god because he ruined my life with autism and my other disabilities.
Honestly yeah I wonder how things would have been if I dropped out got my GED then did a local college and or got diagnosed with social anxiety and adhd then got treatment for it while I was still a kid. I feel like those things definitely would have helped more and also yes I agree Complex Ptsd never goes away.
I think one good way to look at it is if said "autistic" behavior appeared in adulthood or was always present. Because that's a very common question that you will be asked and diagnosed, it has to be present in childhood to be autism (undiagnosed or diagnosed). Otherwise it can be things like depression, burnout, anxiety etc.
I was never diagnosed in childhood, but I had all of the traits. At 44 I can no longer mask or try to fit in without having a complete meltdown/shutdown. In 2015/2016 I went 2-3 weeks at a time without speaking to anyone in the house or eating anything because of overstimulation. Often I was targeted by abusers in relationships because of my condition. I didn’t know that my traits were related to autism.
@darkwingduck3477 And then the complication of "well what if they have both?!" makes it challenging to diagnose, since how can autistic people not develop severe anxiety if they have to constantly be subjected to an uncomfortable environment and needing to act like someone they're not in order to fit in? So rather than say or imply that the fear of rejection rules out autism, I think it's more accurate to say that having sensory sensitivities to the point where it affects your quality of life means its autism.
@@cameronschyuder9034 Its actually not super common to have both anxiety and autism. Most anxiety therapy treatment don't really work for autistic people. Most of the anxiety that autistic people feel often time find their origin in the difficulties that comes with being autistic. For example, anxious to be in social interactions, not because of some irrational fear, but rather because you genuinley are quite bad at it etc.
@@BigmanDogsBut sometimes you could have social anxiety and also be socially awkward which adds to your fear of social situations. You just don't have the sensory issues part so that would mean it's likely not autism. Same with the if you're autistic you probably have difficulty talking about anything that isn't your special interest and would lack the social awareness to understand that most ppl you meet expect small talk and would like to be asked questions back instead of being there while you rant about your special interest. So really ppl on the autism spectrum will most likely have social anxiety but that's just a side effect of their environment and not exactly what being on thr spectrum is about.
That's what I was labeled growing up. I failed kindergarten the first time I went because I wouldn't talk (selective mutism) this was back in the 80's. I was then labeled anxious, and with panic attacks or depressed. Never diagnosed. Fast forward to now, I have a 9 year old son who was just diagnosed with Autism and anxiety disorder. Identical to the symptoms I had growing up. Now so much my childhood and current life makes a lot of sense. Reasons I think I was never diagnosed was 1 - parents with autistic traits who saw my behavior as normal 2 - also my parents were immigrants here, we didn’t have a lot of money. Plus 4 kids! 3- general awareness of how autism presents in girls 4 - heavy masking beginning when I was in 3rd grade
I had a similar experience. I would just like to gently add that those can also be cptsd symptoms. To me what's labeled autism is a developmental delay in more mild cases. It wasn't until I looked into attachment theory that things made more sense. Also keep in mind that children absorb everything like a recording device, indiscriminately the first few years so often they will absorb personality traits of the parent. Before our discernment comes online and we begin to rebel against our own programming.
@@Ouranos369 I have many more autistic traits than anxiety and panic etc… but those were the only ones that were noticeable to myself and parents and as far as I’m concerned the only ones that need to be helped broadly speaking. I have echolalia and repetitive behaviors. I can recall many behaviors that I had as a child that were “autistic” but now as an adult they aren’t as prevalent bc I found other more “normal” coping mechanisms but not necessarily healthy.
I relate to this. The selective mutism is confusing to me when I look back. I remember being very unable to speak because I was overwhelmed by confusion with everyone's behavior and it scared me and made me unable to talk. I also grew up in the 80s. I still have non verbal moments but it's more related to internal sensory overwhelm or fatigue. It's like verbal language is secondary to my cognition. Does this make sense? I relate to non speaking Autistic people very well.
i remember being put in a "special" class in kindergarten bc they could tell i was different, but that shit was so mf boring and easy they took me out really fast lol
i feel it i masked from my best friend bc she was confident and made people laugh so i thought, if i cant be that pretty girl maybe i can be the girl who makes people laugh" and i slowly "faked it til i made it" . Another mantra i had when coming out of my shell was "its only embarrassing if youre embarrassed"
I feel so overwhelmed. I remember being a extroverted kid. I feel like I learned to be by myself. I want to be social and put myself out there. I always say: I'm introverted but not shy. Ill say whatever is on my mind but i feel this disconnect with others
That’s harsh… Maybe you’ll manage to work this out someday. Maybe balance things a little, so that you can improve your social skills and get what you need. Therapy may help, idk
“But I feel This disconnect with others” So do I. I can be engaging and charismatic and people tend to like talking to me but I feel disconnected . I’ve not been able to fix it solve that .. I find socializing to be very draining as well
I have friends that are shy or just have social anxiety, and a key difference I've noticed between myself and them is when they're in a crowded area, they're self concious and maybe a little nervous, but they can still function, and they will generally start to relax as they get more comfortable. When I'm in a crowded place, I'll usually start out ok, but all the visual noise and actual noise and people bumping me, each thing is like a shock in my brain disrupting my thoughts. I'll try to concentrate on whatever task we're supposed to be doing, but it chips away at me until my verbal skills break down and pretty soon it's all I can do to just flee. Once I get to the point that I'm just fleeing, my fight or flight triggers an anxiety attack and I feel like I'm literally going to die for the rest of the day, and I'm exhausted for days after that.
But how can you come to this insightful reading of this situation if your thoughts are scrambled and our judgements are immersed in some distortion that enables us to get away from the situation?
@ErikeMiranda is not like being scrambled lol as I get more overwhelmed, it's more like energy conservation. It takes more and more energy to regulate myself as time goes on, so I have less energy to spend on the brain power it takes to be sociable. I'm still able to think. If I push myself too far I'll end up triggering a panic attack, I've used up all my energy to regulate and I just have to go. But I'm not just blindly freaking out with no awareness of what's around me. I'm 44, so I'm much more self aware of my triggers and limitations than I was at 20 or so. In my teens and early 20's especially, I might not even know what triggered me and it would very quickly send me into a tailspin. I didn't know what was going on and I would just freak out, it was debilitating. Decades of experience and therapy have helped me develop a pretty good toolbox to check in with myself and to know my strengths and limitations.
thsi si so true . i found out that at 79 yrs old im a autistic, and nwo finally in life i can learnd how to make new frends and live life. im so happy i watched this while im still young and have time. and now know what i am.
I started a new job two weeks ago, and I’m constantly fatigued at the end of the day and I feel anxious before I go to work. I absolutely love my job, I work in a lab but I work as part of a team of 8 and because it’s my first time working professionally I’m struggling to figure out how to interact with my team and be more likeable and respected. I’m starting to mask more and more often because everyone is chatty and when I was quiet and settling into my role, a colleague said I should talk more and I ended up joining into the conversations, talking more than I would have liked to and it’s exhausting. I’m forcing myself to be more extroverted just to fit into the team. I’m naturally introverted but when I’m masking I can become extroverted until I burn out…
It's the same for me, I work in a lounge bar for the Summer. I was extraverted during my childhood and would talk to everyone but when my parents divorced ,when a person in my surroundings started to over criticize me as well as my family did, I just learned to be introverted. Talking to others, smiling is a pain to me, I struggle and I get tired of it mentally. For my colleagues, what I do is not enough. Since I don't talk, they just consider that I don't care and when something happens, it's my fault. But I swear, it's been a while since I smiled that much (it's fake though). When I talk to someone, I overanalyze what she says, how she behaves. The person forgets easily the conversation but I just keep it in my mind and will think about it and just take the pessimistic side as I always do. I'm a physics student who is exhausted from her year, and now I just have to work without any vacation and just notice that my issue with people is worse that I thought it was. My whole family wants me to quit, because they know I'm tired but I have to talk to the manager and I'm scared because he obviously hates me. I wrote a huge text and I'm sorry for my English.
Pro-tip ^.^ If you feel like you can be misunderstood as "pushy" for asking too many questions - ask people questions about themselves, ask hypothetical questions or questions regarding a common academic interest. People, especially extroverted allistic(neurotypical) folks LOVE talking, especially about themselves. Make up an ethical or academical problem with a story and ask people for imput instead of asking directly. Questions like "Why do you think they don't teach Lagrangian mechanics in school? How would you make more young people interested in STEM? What science RUclipsrs you watch and why? What do you think about modernising parts of costumes, focusing on modern makeup and hair, does it take you out of the illusion?" Not only will everyone enjoy the conversation without it feeling confrontational but also, questions like these can inform you about their values and approach. Maybe you are lucky to have cool, open, accepting co-workers you wouldn't need to mask in front of? If you keep them talking,it takes pressure of you having to keep up with the flow of conversation, their tone, voice, emotions. Keeping subjects of the questions hypothetical, open ended and opinion-based allows for intense, genuine conversation without having to worry about making someone feel insulted, not believed, judged. Also - studies show that being asked for help in small tasks makes people consider the person who asked more likable and pleasant. Everyone likes feeling liked, wanted, y'know? I don't know a single person who wouldn't appreciate that, as well as hearing genuine "I'm glad I'm working with you, guys" or "wow, you are so precise, I wouldn't have figured to do it like this" or even a simple "I'm happy to see you!". Hopefully they turn out to be wonderful people you can be yourself with.
The fun really starts when you're a shy, introverted person, wondering whether you're also autistic. 😳 Like me, at 53. And having the added bonus of being a chronically ill, mostly bedbound hermit with no irl social contacts for years. Oh, and cognitive disfunction and memory loss from the disease. The diagnostic process is challenging, to say the least.
One of the things that lead me to realize I was autistic and not just socially anxious was that even after I had worked on my self esteem a lot and generally saw myself quite positively, I still spend a lot of time ruminating about what people thought of me. I realized that it wasn't (just) that I had reasons to believe people would dislike me, I just genuinely could not tell what feelings they were expressing when interacting with me. I think it's really tough when you're autistic because the only feedback that you'll actually pick up on is on the extremes. People might be giving you subtle feedback that they don't appreciate something you do etc for ages, but you won't notice until they're fed up with you and it feels like that could happen at random.
It’s so wildly accurate how you described autistic social anxiety with the folder analogy. Whenever I try to explain this to people, I like to say that everyone in my life has their own tv show and I have a specific different role that I play in each one. I always know what my motivation is with everyone after I’ve had a couple of interactions with them. I know my friends are that I’m expected to be the comic relief around, or the advice giver, or the wise cracking edgy guy. But on the other hand, I never learned how to play the general/natural roles of who I actually am to people and in society, i.e. son, brother, student, tutor, leader, manager etc. I always am “writing drafts” for people in my head and picking dialogue options that make the most sense based on previous interactions. My life is just one big rpg lol
I believe I've had autism and ADHD unchecked for so long we're now I'm 35 that it's also morphed into something worse because I've had too many stress hormones not being able to relate to anyone else or society.
This completely! This is what I do (not diagnosed, but suspect ADHD & Autism). It's like I'm playing a part, acting. I 100% relate to life being an RPG.
I was the same way when I was a child I always was extroverted I loved talking with all kinds of people and talk to everyone. But the older I got the more I started to become introverted and close myself off more and more because I feel like I was told throughout my life to not be the way I was that there was something wrong with how I interacted with others. Now I suffer from anxiety constantly and I’m always trying to be what other people want me to be. So now I need to retrain myself to just be me.
Yeah, that's probably the main difference between autistic people and people who might have some "autistic" traits or anxiety etc. Autistic people have these sorts of behavioral "issues" in childhood as well.
I used to get told that I was annoying because I used to talk wayyyy too much as a kid (I guess that was being extroverted) and now I’m wondering if that’s an autistic trait
I've listened to hours worth of similar content on different channels curated by excellent speakers, but this video is the single best explanation I've ever heard of how it actually feels to be autistic.
i am actually currently (since two months) consuming everything about autism (books, videos, tik toks, tests, diagnostic criteria etc etc) and i am still kind of gaslighting myself in "thats normal"/ "its something else" eventhough autism would literally explain every experience. thank you so much for this video because now i can definitely rule out i am "just an introvert" because i love meeting new people and having social interactions but i get so drained because of new rules to follow or sensory input that is too much, so that i cant speak for days after..
I feel this. Especially adds mode internal conflict for myself when my own mom is constantly gaslighting me into thinking I'm not autistic or I'm not "like that" despite literally being officially diagnosed. It's tough out here man..
Consuming mass information about a specific topic is such an autism thing too I've fallen into the routine of needing to look up if what I'm feeling is a universal autism experience or just me since I realised I'm on the spectrum
this is so relatable help 😭 i’ve had people tell me to my face that i’m autistic or the way i act is “deformed” (i. don’t know why my friend chose that word !) but i was still like “nah there’s no way” and although im still very much like that i’m getting a bit better. there was a time where i was a lot more convinced and wanted to get diagnosed but i brought it up with my mother and she said that i’m self diagnosing and i need to stop which unlocked an even Stronger fear of being wrong,, im still having a lot of trouble justifying a reason for me to get a diagnosis in the first place because i dont have a lot of trouble with these things- so far the only stuff that happened that i can kinda relate to it was crying in class because it was too noisy and people kept walking around everywhere and dragging their feet (this hurts my ears and makes me feel so uneasy idk why) and also feeling overwhelmed and crying when there’s a lot of people in the same room as me but that can probably be amounted to me just being a stupid crybaby 😖
@jaydinnaidoo Isn't asking to see a doctor... that wouldn't be self-diagnosing? If you think you broke your leg, you go to the doctor. The point of seeing a professional that can diagnose you, is to not self-diagnose. Your mother saying that makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Now looking back I remember being pretty extroverted in kindergarten and being so unaware/didn’t really care when a teacher was mad at me for talking, but come first grade I feel like it totally switched and I became terrified of getting yelled at for anything.
Here is the thing. The reason it is talked of as a "spectrum" is in my opinion because it is incredibly difficult at best and impossible at worst to apply categorization to any of this. As humans we want everything neatly labelled and put in boxes, but our personalities and minds are not like that. They do not fit nicely into boxes you can point at. Some people have personalities that simply defy what psychology/psychiatry could comfortably deal with. Simply ticking off a list of "symptoms" and/or "attributes" does not always work.
It's true that everyone is different and neurodivergency is often more complex in reality, but we need some kind of common ground to be on the same level when we talk/educate us about things like this. Also researches don't just come up with these categories, they use statistic methods and test whether these are rather valid or how they could be improved. These categories may not be perfect yet but at least most people do fit in these categories somehow.
@@raaagdoll Right, and labels are also a way for us to say, "look, it's not because i'm broken or that i chose to be this way, i just have a different brain than yours (and there are also many people like me!) and it doesn't always mesh well in a society that doesn't take people like me into consideration." Labels help us find the community that share our traits or have similar ones, which creates a sense of belonging, a thing that most humans want. I mean, "autism" is a lot easier to say "people who have different social communication ways than what is normalized and also engage in repetitive, restrictive behavior that would be considered unusual or different than expected by the majority population." Another issue with labels comes with people assigning certain stereotypes that may be untrue and harmful because they are unaware of the complexities that the label is subbing in for. Labels aren't perfect, but I believe that the benefits outweigh the negatives, especially if you're in a position where you need, for instance, work accommodations.
@@sinch4044 When you define it like that it becomes completely pointless because if Symptom X or Attribute Y can present as 0 or 100 on a "spectrum" and that spectrum refers to a SPECIFIC set of symptoms and/or attributes then the whole thing becomes mindbogglingly vapid.
@@sinch4044The problem with a spectrum is that the list of symptoms becomes so wide anyone could diagnose themselves as autistic at that point. It has to be more specific
whoa, the points you made on difficulty with transitions and feeling lonely but then becoming overwhelmed when actually hanging out with people called me tf out. definitely opened up a new perspective for me, thanks
The part about how you were extroverted as a child and introverted now felt like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. My parents always say “well you used to be so outgoing and happy!” Yeah, but from the reactions other people gave me for my outgoing behaviour, and me sometimes not knowing boundaries, it made me overthink what I was doing wrong, in turn, making present me nervous, anxious and unwilling to interact with people. This video has made me reflect on me and my childhood, it’s made so much clearer for me.
I feel somewhat the opposite! I was very introverted and shy as a child. As I got older, I'd still refer to myself an introvert but I learned that masking is the root cause of me feeling drained all the time. Therefore, I got better at talking to people and unmasking little by little and it's making me feel so much better. I think it's because as a child, kids (especially other girls) would make fun of me for talking about whatever was on my mind, but as I got older and talked to more adults and more mature people, I realized people aren't so bad and that more people are going to be more accepting rather than unaccepting. I don't think I'll ever be an extrovert, simply because I get more energy being alone and I value my alone time, but I don't mind being an introvert that now has more social skills and is braver in conversation is perfect for me.
Whereas I have learnt that not masking causes more problems than it doesn't. People don't want the non-masked me. So I will keep masking forever. :) Non-masking me is too much for everyone.
@@StrangeSpark Despite me non masking more as an adult, there are a lot of situations where I definitely need to mask! Work is a good example, if I don't mask some days at work I'd probably get fired tbh lol. So yeah, completely understand those who want to mask it really just depends on the person and the situation.
I never want to socialize, even a little. Recess was my least favorite part of school as a child. Socializing to me is objectively overstimulating, emotionally uncomfortable, confusing, and generally awful. I love being alone and I love my own company. Can’t recall a time in my life when I felt lonely being by myself. But the world is constantly suggesting there’s something wrong with me. That people need people to be healthy. I understand why people say this, but it’s just never been true for me (aside from the obvious reliance we have on community doctors, teachers, etc.). By far the unhealthiest I’ve been in my life has been when I’m around people most days (e.g. school, work). This video is so validating and helpful, thank you.
i am late diagnosed autistic with ptsd. i sometimes dogsit/housesit for my parents, and i just had no idea why i would get so exhausted at the end of it. i would get really frustrated at myself for getting more and more tired overtime until my parents gets home and ill just colapse in my bed or another comfortable spot i feel safe in knowing my parents are home again and i dont have these responsebilities on me anymore. Your dog story with your brother makes me so emotional but really thankful that i know im not alone in this. i finally have words to describe to my parents i didnt have before, that i CANT handle more than a certain amount of days of dogsitting in their house because i will get depressed. Sounds like just a simple thing but i really had no idea i could solve it like this and be nicer to myself. well i didnt even know it was a problem to solve, i just endured because i thought it was something i had to. Because i expected it from myself. Thank you.
Introverts are not necessarily shy. I have been an introvert my whole life yet I have high self esteem and confidence. My silence and watching/listening is often mistaken as being aloof and arrogant.
Same experience, happy and chosen, unalienated representations of introversion are about inexistant because "we" are the lucky few who had the luckiest experiences in trauma, bullying, environmental care, stability etc... so our mental health and self-esteem hasn't been damaged so much as many sadly (or we had conditions making able to stand it, or are at a point in life in which it's over). In my case, it also lead me to be somewhat arrogant tho, both innocently and cluelessy but also in usual cringy fashion of middle-class autistic guys playing coy, because of autistic self-centeredness + luck + no masking + acquiring knowledge about everything (specific interests like youtube or materialism that hijack the centralization about 1 subject). I have a memorable XP where NT people took my clumsy datadump that was an introvert trial to talk about the subject like arrogance, wanting to show I know everything, while I was just happy to have found a way not to keep silent for a subject and interact within a specific interest I naively believe they shared. I'm lucky it happened once, I know some that had their self-esteem gaslit because living it over and over, young etc... But other times, online, I have been the typical cringelord, paternalistic and all.
@@queenbutterfly4888 a typical conversation. "What's the matter?". "Nothing". "It takes more energy to frown than it does to smile". "Yeah? It takes more energy to point that out than leave me alone".
I saw a psychiatrist about potentially having adhd. We spoke for about an hour and i kept crying throughout for reasons unbeknownst to me. I didnt want to tell her outright why i was there because i didnt want to influence her train of thought or have her looking through the lens of adhd while we were talking ( just in case i dont have it and its all in my head) but i felt i didnt have a choice when she said “so why are you here today??” 😂😂. She gave me a questionnaire…. And asked me a few questions and in the end she said i just have mild attention issues and anxiety. But she said I should see a counselor to “see what all the crying is about” i really wanted a diagnosis so i could like.. know that im not crazy and something is actually wrong and i can fix it but i didnt get that at that appt. I went to the counselor and in our first session she says not only does it sound like i have adhd but it seems like i always had it and struggled with it in childhood… but i still have no formal diagnosis or medicine or care plan or anything… i started this journey in feb 2023.. i hate the way i am sometimes. Whatever it is i have whether its adhd or autism or anxiety or both it makes it hard for me to be around ppl. I have short patience and get overstimulated and overwhelmed quickly. And whatever treatment i do potentially get what if it doesnt help? Idk its just annoying.
"i really wanted a diagnosis so i could like.. know that im not crazy and something is actually wrong and i can fix it" I don't know if you will ever read my reply but I'm so glad someone feels the same way as me. It literally happened the same to me, I went to a psychiatrist, we talked for a little more than an hour. Couldn't keep myself from crying (and I felt so fucking embarrased lol) but still didn't get a diagnosis. Oh my god I feel slightly less alone now thank you so much for sharing your experience
I haven’t gone to get formally diagnosed, I’m still mulling over whether that would indeed help me. But you hit the nail on the head about feeling the way you do. You’re not alone. A lot of us feel the same way. ❤
That one tiktok asking why I have to talk too, why I can't just listen - get yourself an ADHD friend. I'm autistic, my friend is ADHD. When we're together, he will talk for hours without me having to say much at all. We hung out the other day, and in 5 hours together, I said maybe a dozen sentences.
Thank you so much for your video. I define myself more as a shy person than autistic but I share a lot of pain with autistic people and introverts who are not understood by people. I feel it interesting that I am not that anxious around strangers but I'm a lot anxious around someone I already know, such as coworkers and Friends.
This is why, in some cases, I support self diagnosing. There's so many obstacles that you have to go through to get diagnosed with autism, and, even if you do get diagnosed, there are many things that will be used against you or become unavailable to you..
As a person who didn’t know I had autism until 29, I spent a LOT of time analyzing people, behaviors, words, and habits. I’ve analyzed who are the people who are popular and what do they have in common that make them so well received. Then I copy loads of different behaviors to blend in between different type of people. The first thing I do every time I meet a new human, I always analyze them and study them to see what kind of person they are, are they a nice person or a cruel person?, what are their intentions towards me and others?, etc and act accordingly. So it’s not that I have a set list of how to interact with others. I start off polite and a little distant to begin with as I analyze them and as I collect more data about them I will either relax a little and more of my personality will shine through or I will become more weary of them and not offer any information about myself to keep myself safe. And as far as socializing, I genuinely enjoy it but it is mentally and emotionally draining. I don’t like going out much because even thinking about going out is tiring and I need rest from even considering the idea.
The first few questions I always ask before having to attend any social event is.... 1 who will be there? 2. Where is it? 3. How should I be and what will I talk about? As being myself, is always out of the question!!
When you put in 19:35 that extroverted autistic people feel the need to sacrifice time with people they love because they are too tired instead of not wanting to see them.. I felt that so much. Although I classify myself as an introvert, I had this exact problem with my now ex-girlfriend. I love her sososo much but the intensity of a romantic relationship was overwhelming me. The touching and the staring into each other's eyes longingly and the spending time exclusively with each other and basically the attention she would dedicate to me would leave me completly exhausted and sometimes I would just stop talking because it was all so much. Thankfully she is a therapist and works with autistic people so she understood and we are trying to find a new dynamic that works for the both of us because I know that she was hurting from my evasiveness as well. It's all very personal and I'm not one to share like this but I've just been feeling awful for having split with someone that I loved so deeply bc I simply could not phisically handle their love. Thank you for the video, it made me feel less alone ❤
Somehow it's really comforting to listen to you. You are so good at telling about autistic struggles, having all those folders of everyone and how difficult it is to adapt.
Highly suggest people to check the "list of common female autistic traits" I realte to 98% of them and I always considered myself as "relatively good" in social issues. Me therapist has identified me as hypersensitive which is in the neurodivergent umbrella but on the lowest side of the autistic spectrum. ❤
I'm so glad I came across your channel! I actually tried to get an ADHD official test and my psychiatrist told me it is not diagnosable on a national level, in my country. Which is such BS. I have all the symptoms And I often test well above average on ADHD and even autism tests.
i’m autistic and i’ve never been able to figure out where i align on the introvert/extrovert spectrum because i constantly feel lonely and crave connection with others when i’m alone, but making the first move in a social interaction is enough to cause a panic attack. I’ve been conditioned by some horrible friends (and bullies in retrospect) to see myself as incompetent and incorrect by nature, so now i need to observe others and allow them to choose to interact with me out of fear that i’ll screw it up. I love people, but i’m not the easiest person to get along with and that awareness holds me back a lot.
I have a similar story to yours. I was a very extroverted child from before I could even talk (I was told that I would walk up to strangers and speak gibberish to them XD), and I was super energetic and happy about life. But I always found myself getting into trouble at school, being sent to the principal's office for talking or beat boxing during class, or having difficulty interacting with classmates. This eventually led to me feeling out of place when interacting with kids at school, not really understanding social queues, being constantly rebuked by teachers and my parents, and desiring to be accepted by people around me. I finally made the decision to change myself to be 'good' and to stop being 'bad' once I finished elementary school, and somehow unconsciously turned into an introvert. I became VERY shy, quiet around strangers (even my parents) and anxious in social interactions with classmates and friends. It was not until recently that I looked back and really understood the change that happened, since my parents would often reminisce about how bubbly, energetic, talkative, and happy of a person I used to be, and now I struggle to feel comfortable to express my true feelings and emotions around anyone (even my parents) except for my two closest friends. I've had to relearn how to talk to people, because I unintentionally tend to speak softly and mumble my words, so I had to learn to project my voice when I talk to people in public, or when people have trouble hearing me. However, the transition process of learning how to speak properly was very discomforting to me, because I thought that I was 'yelling' whenever I had to speak up, and I disliked hearing myself talk. I also struggled (still do) with looking at people when I talked to them, cause I would begin to feel VERY uneasy if I look at someone face to face for longer than a second. I was always told by my teachers/parents, 'look me in the eye when I'm talking to you' when I was being rebuked, so I guess I developed some sensitivity to prolonged eye contact. So currently I consider myself an introvert, but if I'm alone for too long, I get miserably lonely and sad XD So I do crave social interaction with close friends from time to time. I have some sensory sensitivity to lights (I need all lights insude/outside my room off to fall asleep, I can't use nightlights, and have to cover my alarm clock LED light before I go to bed), large groups of people, and if people stand too close to me in public I feel extremely uncomfortable. My social battery is super short, and something as simple as being asked to 'go grocery shopping with someone', or go outside when my plan for the day was to chill in my room and relax, really throws my routine out of whack and it takes a while to recover and decide if I want to go or not XD I may have some traits akin to autism, but mostly I think I am a former extroverted, now introverted, person. This video was super insightful and helped me see that I'm not alone out there XD Thank you for taking time to explain everything clearly, provide examples, and also share personal experiences 👍
I was definitely shy (mostly to adults) but extroverted as a kid (especially towards my peers). But learned that introverted behaviors resulted in generally more favorable results more often. I've always been told I am shy throughout my entire life. These are good comparisons that I do relate to a lot. Even as a small child I wouldn't wash my hands unless I was forced to. There is just something too much with the soap, the water, the rubbing... I can make myself do so now if I have to, but I doubt I'm doing it well cause I always rush it to get it over with. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it... (not diagnosed, but I very much suspect autism & ADHD).
If we look at Carl Jung’s cognitive theory, you can’t really change yourself from being an introvert or extrovert. The environment is what makes you change and “hide” yourself. If you start to lose connection to your true sense of self, you become anxious and depressed. As a kid, I was always timid and shy, but throughout life, I find it hard to continue to keep up with the masking of my personality. I come home every day super tired and spend quite a bit of time trying to recharge and recover. I still deal with confusion in my self and sometimes can’t differentiate between what I want and what society wants. Years of trauma will do that to you. I’m also a late, diagnosed adult, and I see it more as being honest with what I love and what I choose to zoom into. People always say to be yourself and follow your heart, but society really twists and turns your sense of self. You become adversed from the activities and hobbies you used to love because of societal shaming. Then you spend the rest of your life trying to chase what makes you happen, even though the nostalgic stuff you used to like can’t bring you the same happiness. You have aversions to things that make you happy, but it’s so hard to find what that is when you can’t see it anymore. Not sure if that makes sense.
Thanks for this comment! This also always confuses me. I have ADHD and I would call myself an introvert because social interactions cost me energy, but I still enjoy them and I am definitely not shy.
Labels like ”Autism” or ”ADHD” are just bad. Can’t sit still in school and focus on to something that bores you? ADHD. Maybe it’s just boredom? Don’t do well in social situations? Autism. Maybe it’s just that people are very different. But we just feel the need to label ourselves like this. I think it’s way more complex than just having ADHD or Autism.
I mean, I see your point in the sense that everyone is different and that we should adapt to everyone as a society. But then again I would have given my left arm to have gotten a diagnosis earlier, I had so many struggles in school because nobody recognized that I had ADHD and therefore I never got the specific help that I needed. So in essence yeah the best situation would be to have everyone accepted as they are but unfortunately I think it will take a while before we reach that point as a society :(
@carlijnoosterveen2339 Hopefully, with the increasing knowledge about both ADHD and autism, especially in girls, future ones won't have that lack of support throughout their early lives. 👍
I had a moment when you said folders for every person in your life. I actuallly love astrology and have certain people birth charts memorized as well as certain placements for others as soon as I talk to them I’m constantly keeping them in mind anytime I interact with them 😭
incredibly helpful! People don't realize how nuanced those things are. But it's those nuances that helped me understand what resonated within me. So thank you!
I don't think I've ever been this early on a video, but I'm very excited to see what you have to say! Thank you for uploading consistently for us to gain knowledge and view your authenic self! 💕 I just wanna say I appreciate your channel so much, it's been such a big help to my journey of discovering myself. I am an extroverted autistic, but before I just thought maybe I was introverted because I'd feel so overwhelmed, irritated, and drained after social interaction, but I really loved it. Thank you for explaining the rigid routine trait, it's one that always confused me. It makes sense why I was very anxious with big changes like a new school, or having anger and irritation that carries through my day with unexpected changes like grocery shopping afterschool, a sibling eating my food, or something not going according that causes a meltdown at the end of the day.
Thank you for validating the having autistic traits thing. I’m still in the process of figuring out whether or not I’m autistic, but so far all signs point to me being subclinical. The pressure to fit cleanly into one neurotype is so frustrating! Thank you for calling that out.
@16:00 - 16:43 oh my goodness, i just had an epiphany from this point you brought up about keeping 'mental tabs' on people, as well as how i tend to feel another layer of exhaustion from socialisation when meeting someone new. It's the sense of feeling drained because i'm learning how to interact all over again, in order to connect with that person. I noticed that people usually forget details about me, and i just thought this was because i had 'good memory'. But it seems that i cling onto pieces of information about others so i have something, anything, to initiate interactions with them in a way that passes as neurotypical. Thanks Irene. I've wondered for a long while, and you've helped me realise this. And I suppose it can ease some of the loneliness and neglect from having feel forgotten by others, when they don't remember me as well as I remember them.
Huh. It makes me wonder a bit, if I might actually be an extroverted autistic. The mild desperation of wanting to connect and feel like I belong but not really knowing exactly why I can't, has been a constant for me since my preteens at least. Even as a kid, I remember crying because I couldn't decide if I wanted to go to a party or not; on one hand, it sounded fun and my friends were going to be there, but on the other, it also felt potentially overwhelming, and unestructured plans have always made me anxious. I do know I started becoming shy as a teen, precisely as a result of wanting so bad to socialize, but frequently failing at doing it "the right way". I also think I started becoming hyper aware of people's implied meanings and emotions around the same time. But then again, I think I was very comfortable with doing my own thing while I was a child too; I spent a lot of time just fantasizing and having a great time with it. So the other part might just be the very human prosocial nature mixed with the intense focus my enviroment has forced me to put onto having extroverted charachteristics. I don't know, it is all so nuanced.
And we always will, we see the other side of human nature. We have to pass on our observations and solutions learned to others in future generations going through the same things so they can adapt in a world that will tell them lies about themselves.
The explanations about the rigid routine and hard time with transitions is SO relatable 😭 I’m glad to hear someone else share that it could be the littlest thing and I feel like my brain is shutting down
I felt your opening comments on this video hard. I have autism, ADHD, PTSD and GAD, and it took so long to be diagnosed because people would always just attribute the issues I was having to the latter two disorders. Treatment for those never helped me deal with the neurodevelopmental challenges that I have.
Your channel is very comforting and validating. I always feel calm and comfy after watching and it's just a moment to think about stuff and a good self discovery moment. Love you and your content❤
I love this video, it so refreshing to hear that extroverted traits can exist (plus one can be ambivert or omnivert). I also love your explanation of the difference between being just introvert and autistic. Though I often still self-gaslight myself I can't have sensory issues and certain things in life are just normal, even knowing they aren't. That most kids have parents cut tags for them (even though I'll snap if someone cuts mine now... it must have the tag to be perfect), soda is a painful drink that feels like tiny stabs to the tongue people acquired a taste for, subwoofers in cars are torture devices used on passengers or other drivers and 72 degrees is the perfect temperature.
I have so much anxiety about self-diagnosis, but I've come to the point that the label would be too helpful and I relate to much to it that worrying about wrongly calling myself autistic. I strongly relate to everything, except the sensory issues, which I have but can be very mellow. I think that is one things that isn't extreme in the moment, but can build up over time to make me overwhelmed. I laughed out loud for how much I related to the potato story. If something disrupts my routine it will upset me, even if the thing itself isn't upsetting. It's just being unprepared.
I have alexithymia and just a general inability to process my feelings and the source of those feelings, so like I do have sensory sensitivities but it took me forever to figure out what they were, because I wouldn't rationalize that the smell of garbage or the sound of a fire alarm or even just having one too many tasks to do was the reason I was feeling like my skin was about to suffocate me and I could barely hold myself together. I thought well all I know is that I feel anxious and so i have to do things like take deep breaths or whatever, but going back and understanding what I know now, I realize that 99% of the time if I was really anxious there was usually some sort of sensory input that I at least on some level can recognize that I dont like, whether it be theres just too many people to keep a good script going or the music is too loud or even just I am too cold and I can feel it everywhere. And since this realization I have started to try things like shutting my eyes and wearing noise cancelling earbuds in the car ( not while driving lol ) because just seeing all the cars and hearing all the rumbles and honks and whatever would make me so uncomfortable I would often get estreme headaches or puke. Then when I tried blocking some of that sensory input, for the first time in my entire fuckin life, I felt **fine**. I don't ever just feel okay, not really, so that was startling, and I couldn't believe how much sensory input really screwed me up until I had it gone, and I could just never recognize it before due to my incredibly thick brain fog and again inability to rationalize whats happening to me. I wonder if you could be similar?
@@protodroidstuff oh yah, I definitely think that I don't realize how much sensory stuff affects me. Sometimes when I do block stuff out it's just easier to function, and realize how much it was affecting anxiety and such. Ty for your reply, I appreciate it!!!
Your example of having trouble with transitions really helped me! A big part of my late childhood came up and now I have a word for the problem I used to have. Back then I'd throw fits and cry and had to take naps with sudden very negative thoughts when unplanned things came up. Nowadays I can handle them better so I questioned if I had trouble with transitions at all. Your example brought that memory back up and gave me more security :3
My whole family would describe me as a super outgoing child, would promptly talk to everyone. I can’t remember that. The only think I remember is that ever since I started school, I was being anxious because I had no idea how to talk to people. I did make friends eventually and it got easier to interact with people I often interacted with, but every new group and environment would throw me into a loop. I think I did straight up copy behaviors I saw in others, but only when I was really little. There is an expression where I’m from that’s basically ‘Mary follows others’ which means someone that is easily influenced by others opinions or copied certain things. No one called me that but every time that was mentioned I’d get worried that someone would find out how much I tried to subtly copy people’s behaviors depending of which group I was interacting with. I just felt like my own self was not appropriate and people wouldn’t like me if I were more genuine, I worried my whole life that my friends didn’t actually like me and in friend groups I felt like I was no one’s first option. I got bullied as a child for being a crybaby and, amazingly, being too childish. Apparently even as a 10 yo I was too childish for the average kid. As I grew, I was labeled as shy and introverted, even though I’ve always enjoyed hanging out with people and going to parties (all of which left me absolutely drained afterwards). Now as an adult, most of my friends are online. Work colleagues asked ‘why are you so quiet?’ And I wouldn’t reply but I always think ‘well you’re just not talking about subjects I can contribute to’. While all the other women are talking about make up, clothes, men and whatever tf, I’m just sitting there playing a mobile game that I was obsessing with at the time and played at every free moment I had. Nowadays I work from home and it really can get lonely. Tbh it’s being very hard for me to analyze how much I have sensory issues. I feel like the majority of my breakdowns (which are very rare nowadays) are due to emotional reasons. Being in a crowd can contribute and being tired and upset can make a loud ambient feel absolutely suffocating (I do tend to leave loud rooms if I can but it’s not because I was completely overwhelmed, just a little bit). I don’t think these things affect me that much on a regular basis, or maybe they do affect and just not as much? I do often have headaches and nausea. As much as I love taking a walk outside, it can be draining and depending on the day I can feel sick even within the hour, but I’m just so used to this, it never felt completely debilitating (aside from me taking naps through the day often because I don’t feel too well). I’m also in a constant state of tired no matter what (sleep issues do contribute but I’m tired even when I can sleep) but I can just push through and work and do other things in spite of that. I hear about autistics’ experiences with sensory overload and I feel like I can’t relate to that 90% of the time, but I’m having a hard time gauging just how bad it actually is for me. Like, I don’t feel great, sure, but it’s not disrupting my life the majority of the time.
I've never been diagnosed. My 2 children have and going through the diagnosing process with them I realised I am too ❤ each of us in a different way... I came across your channel and it's so soothing to listen to what you're saying. I was trying to start a yt channel but I was really struggling to sit in front of the camera. I often hear I look like a very confident, even intimidating woman but that's not how I feel inside 😅 I feel overwhelmed so I keep my face straight until I can relax and "let it go".
I think for the longest time I denied I had anything other than trauma, depression, and was a hyper sensitive person. I wasn’t open to the idea that I had ADHD and autism until very recently it clicks. The diagnosis makes sense! You do need to rule out other things like bipolar, PTSD, etc. while even being aware that you could have co-morbidities too.
Im going to get diagnosed with therapist, but it’s so hard to recall back during my childhood. I remember a little like im a weird person and my siblings hate me. if i try to remember it, my head hurts. Do you experience it?
I think I was always shy as a kid. I got diagnosed with autism officially when I was 16, but I was told that I had Asperger autism as a kid, even when I didn't know if it was actually autism. I don't think I truly fit into the group of crowd when I was a kid, because everyone thought I was weird and I had hobbies that no one else had, like I liked to collect rocks or just make circles around stuff and meditate, I didn't have friends and I didn't understand why either. I remember back then I used to say stuff that people told me it was inappropriate to say that in public, but I was just saying some stuff without really thinking about it. Now that I'm an adult, I always had to suppress what I was saying and my mom was constantly reprimanding me. I thought I was supported by my parents, because my mom used to bring me to therapy when I was younger, but I feel like she never really understood my traits and why I'm like this
As usual you nailed again, Irene! You seem to be able to articulate my EXACT experience so perfectly! Before researching into autism and realizing that it is the missing puzzle piece for me in explaining the extreme difficulties I've had all my life since childhood, the only way I could explain myself was that I was an introvert. Now I'm not so sure...maybe I prefer being alone or only in very small groups because I get overstimulated so easily. It seems that the only time I feel entirely comfortable is when I am alone, when I am more able to control my environment and my schedule. When other people are around, there's just too many variables that are out of my control, too many things that can change from minute to minute. I also agree that shyness and introversion are different. Not all introverts are shy, and not all people who experience shyness are introverted. I also agree that a person can be an introverted autistic, or an extroverted autistic. Introversion/extroversion relates to how a person is energized in social interactions, and doesn't have anything to do with anxiety or the lack thereof. Thank you for another excellent explanation!
Thank you for this video! 💕 I’ve definitely always been shy/introverted and also had some sensory issues (light, crowds, loud noises, itchy fabric). Not diagnosed as autistic though. I was also born very premature so sometimes I wonder if I am autistic as that can increase the likelihood.. one memory that sticks out in my mind is back when I was a kid, my mom would want to put me in summer camps for socialization and I remember begging her to take me out of it because I couldn’t bare being outside for most of the day with the sun and humidity (I’m also very pale) let alone around kids I don’t know. But I remember feeling very sensitive to the summer heat & humidity! In one of your videos you mentioned dealing with panic attacks in enclosed spaces or situations you can’t leave. I’ve never heard anyone else explain the same experience that I’ve gone through. From the end of high school and until the 3rd year of uni, I dealt with daily panic attacks, triggered by situations I couldn’t leave or enclosed spaces (exams, stuck in a car or on a bus, taking off in an airplane and unable to use the washroom, in social situations etc). Sometimes it still happens but I’ve been good at calming myself down and getting out of it. It got pretty bad once they happened regularly and I started anticipating the panic attack to occur.
12:20 you put into words my entire life. Social interaction is a source of constant study for me. Learning to let go of what i can’t control and prioritise what to or what not to give a f**k about has helped a lot. I can’t control everything and if things don’t work out that’s fine, even if it’s my fault.
A couple of years ago I found out I was autistic by researching about social anxiety and introvertion to try to understand myself better. Great video 💛
I agree where it builds up in social situations you don’t realise how difficult things can be love to get a honest opinion on this topic crazy how the little things effect you even the touch of things can give me a reaction that freaks me out in my head nice that your highlighting some of the issues we deal with
Thank you so much for this video! I'm currently waiting for my diagnosis and I've been trying to find ways to explain verbally what happens in my mind, and you nailed my social experience perfectly. I was extroverted as a child... But I had social anxiety for 7 years after being "bullied" (it wasn't even that bad, but I started to feel so confused socially). Now I'm mostly an introvert. I've always questioned if my years of social anxiety are the cause of me not knowing to socialize nowadays, if I just didn't "get it" cause I didn't "practice it enough", since I didn't talk. But I'm 23 and still have so many social problems, even when social anxiety or my shyness isn't there anymore.
@@mari-wy5yk Yes! I got the results recently and I’m autistic. Turns out people know how to interact with other humans, even when they are shy lol. I’ve been practicing my social skills a lot the past few years, but there’s still a struggle and now I know why. If that’s your case, I recommend looking for a diagnosis if you see other signs like sensory issues and “repetitive behaviors”
24:42 The cup being moved: YES. Yes, yes, yes. I recently explained that I’d almost prefer someone rip my cup from my hand than move it from the table where I put it to the counter. At least if they take it from my hand, I know what happened and my reality isn’t shaken. T_T Your explanation of rigidity, need for routines, and trouble with transitions resonates with me more than any other explanation I’ve heard. Thank you. I’ve always categorized myself as an “extreme introvert.” However,I do get frustrated at some of my social limits. I value individual people, and I value community, so I want to show up. Also, I know I need some human interaction. It’s kinda like eating my vegetables. Necessary, even though solo activities are usually far more enjoyable. (Why people get together just to talk is beyond me, but I join them anyway. Can’t we get out a puzzle or Boggle? I’m slowly-very slowly-trying to speak up and suggest joint activities that are actually fun.)
I am introverted, shy, and have a lot of sensory sensitivities. I thought that I maybe had autism, though I do find myself resonating with most of the symptoms, I don't think I have it. perhaps a very mild version but not anything that seems to affect my life (other than the social aspect). Thank you for clarifying that for me :)
This was super helpful! I was also an extroverted kid and as I've gotten older, I've grown more introverted, wanting to be at home and in my comfort space and not around other ppl and new places. I feel a strange anxiety when going to new places, and it still confuses me. I enjoy spending time with my friends, but after a while I feel exhausted, and I feel overwhelmed, as though something is off in the room even though there is nothing wrong with them or me. I can't define a sensory to this feeling, but I always start fidgeting when I get to this overwhelmed point in my experience with others and new places.
Post diagnosis and as I've begun to unmask, I've realized how much more extroverted I am than I had once realized. I would still stay I lean slightly more introverted as I do require a significant amount of time to recharge from sensory burnout, but I'm way more excitement seeking and sociable than I ever would have realized.
Oh, that example about going to the grocery store NOW. This happened so many times for me, and now I see why. I think I also have an opposite thing: when I’m already transitioned to the going to the grocery store more but my partner needs another hour to get ready (and I never sure how much exactly) - waiting in this state is super hard.
I'm so happy to hear you talk about the difficulty with small unexpected changes, both in schedules and just in general. I'm autistic and I have a very hard time coming to terms with small changes like that, and I have been like that my entire life. I was just never allowed to feel that way because my parents didn't know I was autistic. Now that I almost have my diagnosis, I am letting myself be autistic in all these ways that I have masked for many years, and apparently my parents think i never felt that way and I just act like that to seem more autistic (even though my mom literally yelled at me that I was autistic to insult me when I was like seven because I got distressed after a change in plans). So every time I tell them that I need more time to process changes in schedules, they get super duper annoyed and tell me that I won't be able to ask that my schedule doesn't change on the day itself in the future when I get a job. They tell me I'm childish and annoying and making a fuss over nothing, even though, like you describe so well, it feels like a vital part of the machine that is my brain got ripped out and I need time to repair my brain. So it makes me feel seen to hear you talk about that and explain it in such a clear way.
I think you did a great job at explaining key differences between introversion, shyness, and autism! Great job! It's interesting to think about how I was as a child, I know that I always had difficulty making friends. However, I would sing "You Are My Sunshine" to anyone when I was about 5. And in 3rd grade, my friend and I did a choreographed dance to a song in front of our class for no reason. I have struggled with social anxiety. I also suffered abuse as a child in my home. That definitely pushed me towards being quiet, to keep the family secrets. There are so many factors to think about. I also think you are very beautiful!
I get overstimulated in the office where I work. I have sound sensitivity and I’m sensitive to people’s tone of voice. I over perform too. Things feel harder for me but I’m willing to work twice as hard. It’s been that way in the past too where if I worked in a location with more people - I get depressed. And gravitate towards less people. I definitely curate my life into a well oiled machine. I was a highly intelligent and observant kid. People misunderstand me because I’m taking everything in, and sometimes they think I’m disinterested but my mind is just doing to many things at once.
I hate the fact that i was always reprimanded at home. So living with my family for 20+ years made me think i was an introvert but now that I've moved far away from them im able to be more myself/ extroverted.
25:34 so, here's the thing... If my routine change is like "oh let's go shopping" (something I can do mindlessly) I don't have problems with it But when is something like, "can you pick up ***** for me?" (Something I have a responsability to it, something that is important for me to do, either for me or others) I get stressed out, I need to plan out my schedule and the steps to it *English is not my native language*
I think a main problem, especially in self diagnosing, is that people still assume extroverted-ness as a positive trait, while introverted-ness as a negative trait. So many people think more positively about themselves when they're able to withstand a crowd of people like it's an accomplishment, but it's not. It's just your brains ability to intake specific situations. While other people's brains will literally make them feel more drained when completely alone. Neither is a positive or negative. The way i view it is not whether or not a situation drains you more, but which situation do you come out with with more energy, being alone or being around people? Which environment do you thrive more in? This observation mainly comes from having a friend group who are visibly on display as extroverts, who self-identified as extroverts, but actually need to decompress after a long period of time with people, especially if they felt fine in the moment. In opposition, I feel drained after being alone but will regain my lost energy after simply being around others. Additionally this is if no other factors are added in, like extra or lack of background noise, extra or lack of recognizable people to be around, etc. Again, it shouldn't be if specific conditions are met, think about the base scenario to know which wway you lean. Neither is good or bad, you just need to recognize what your body needs to feel at your best.
The part you said about becoming an introvert due to sensory inputs is so relatable. During college all my friends started going to bars more and more, and I didn’t like the loud crowded environment like at all. Slowly shut myself in because it was better than dealing with that burnout and anxiety of being there.
Just as a sidenote, sensory sensitivity isn't solely an autistic experience, it can also be present in dyspraxia, ADHD, some postural disorders, some anxiety disorders, some behavioral disorders and some food intolerances.
From what my parents have said, I was very extroverted as a kid and would just say anything to strangers. That said, I can’t really remember anything from when I was a kid, the earliest I can remember though, middle school and early hs, I turned into a bit of an introvert. But when I met someone special that gave me confidence over the course of a few years, I slowly returned to an extrovert, and at that point I’d talk to anyone and say whatever I’m thinking no matter what’s on my mind, even if I’m talking to a stranger I don’t even know at all. That said, even with my closest homies, I really don’t even know if what I’m doing is “normal,” I never really understood social interactions and I have no clue if what I’m doing and saying is right or normal. After that special someone went away though, I’ve just turned to bad habits to cope and I’ve returned to my introversion and I have so much anxiety about my social interactions that it literally causes panic attacks nearly constantly and after I say anything I look back on and think was awkward I don’t even respond to whoever I was weird/awkward with for days or even weeks. I don’t know if my complete lack of natural social skills and my extreme social anxiety is due to autism or just my fucked up mind, but I hope I can learn and be a good guy in the future. ^^
I remember being a scared child. I wanted to talk to ppl but it was too overwhelming. Now I'm realizing that all this time I thought I was introverted bc for a long time I had no interest in friendship bc I thought it was just about small talk and boyfriends, but once I found other neurodivergent ppl, I started to crave socializing even to my own detriment. Missing out on anything with friends still bothers me
Another factor you should consider is whether you have an autistic relative. If you do, that increases your chances. I personally think I'm on the borderline, that I have Social Communication Disorder/Pragmatic Language Impairment at least. I am female. I have an autistic sibling and I had some behavioral problems growing up; I was very quiet and had behavioral outbursts due to stress and transitions. But not the sensory issues, obsessive special interests, or strict adherence to routine. However, I had to go to speech-language therapy and counseling every week. I remember in high school, when speech-language therapy was its own class for English credits, not only was I the only girl in that class, but I was also the only one who was not an Aspie. (Red flag?) However, at this point, I learned to manage. Therefore, I do not think my troubles are severe enough to warrant a diagnosis. I would only want it to settle the nagging question of whether I am autistic.
do you guys enjoy when everyone you like are together in the same room? like in your birthday for example? I get so anxious, I need to think how to act with my friends from school, my friends from college, my parents, my boyfriend, and when everyone is in the same place I freak out, thinking “how am I supposed to act now?”
This is super helpful. I have ADHD and past trauma which basically set me up with a huge overlap with autistic symptomology regarding sensory issues and social anxiety, but when you gave the example of being able to generalize social interactions vs having a social "algorithm" it really helped me realize the key differences between me and my auDHD boyfriend when it comes to our types of social anxiety!
On the topic of the extraversion - introversion continuum, as a measurable personality trait it is not about people only, they are just another stimulus. The cause for the differences between "introverts" and "extroverts" is the speed at which certain brain waves activity occurs. The higher the speed, the more internal stimuli the person has. This abundance of internal stimuli comparaed to the avearage means that for introvert people there is not as much need for external stimuli in order to reach an optimum. It also means that people who rate higher on introversion reach their threshold of excess stimuli, when the brain has no more capacity to process and thus will start prioritising or ignoring, sooner than people who rate low on introversion. Unlike them, people high on extraversion have lower rates of brain wave activity produced by their own brain, so to reach the optimum they seek out external stimuli. A stimulus can be anything, a person, a place, a sound, food... Loud music and lots of people at a party is more likely to be what a person with high extraversion needs to reach their optimum, while a music lover introvert might be fine playing loud music in their headphones during a walk trhough the city, but adding more stimuli to that equation will be too much for them. It's all about balance. Also, people are very complex stimuli and not the same depending on degree of relationship and perception, so people with social anxiety will get much more stimulated from people, just as if someone had a fear of trees and they decided to go to a forest, but would be perfectly well in plain field with flowers.
Do you have a source for this? I want to learn more, but I haven't been able to find much on introversion and extroversion relating with brain waves (like how does it correlate with ambiverts and so on). I'd love to go down the rabbit hole if I get some material to start with.
@@stardomsHere are a few articles on the matter. If you would like to search more, this research is based on Eysenck's arousal hypothesis and the correlation between resting brain activity and personality traits. Jawinski, P., Markett, S., Sander, C., Huang, J., Ulke, C., Hegerl, U., & Hensch, T. (2021). The big five personality traits and brain arousal in the resting state. Brain sciences, 11(10), 1272. Wei, L., Duan, X., Zheng, C., Wang, S., Gao, Q., Zhang, Z., ... & Chen, H. (2014). Specific frequency bands of amplitude low‐frequency oscillation encodes personality. Human brain mapping, 35(1), 331-339. Knyazev, G. G., Slobodskaya, H. R., Safronova, M. V., Sorokin, O. V., Goodman, R., & Wilson, G. D. (2003). Personality, psychopathology and brain oscillations. Personality and individual differences, 35(6), 1331-1349. Pang, Y., Cui, Q., Duan, X., Chen, H., Zeng, L., Zhang, Z., ... & Chen, H. (2017). Extraversion modulates functional connectivity hubs of resting‐state brain networks. Journal of neuropsychology, 11(3), 347-361.
It's so interesting to see different traits even in toddlers. I've always been shy and a kid who liked to be left alone, then there are those kids who easily talk to strangers and seek affection
I'm in the process of figuring out whether I'm actually autistic or not and one of the things that made me questio' it a lot is that when I don't know how to act I just copy how others in a similar situation as the one I am (like hierarchically and also if they're also not really close to the person they talk to) act with the specific person, like if I see X and they're as close to Y as me basically I will act like X all the way instead of being myself because I don't know how to be myself
I work with kids and one of the things I do is make show they’re growing at a good speed if not see if they might have autism recently going through a check list with one of the kids I realized I check in some of the cartera to have autism and it’s crazy that I look into it everyday and at 22 I learn I probably have it.
The need to connect and feeling chronically alone, but still dreading socializing really hits home... add to that the feeling of guit for not forcing myself to spend time with the peeople I love.
I’m autistic and introverted and want to be around others but….I don’t do it 95% of the time. I get all kinds of ideas and usually can’t do it. All my friends I ever had forced their friendship on me….thank god. I would have no one if they didn’t. I’m social with alcohol though.
Don’t forget that autism is a spectrum. Not every autistic person has the same set of symptoms.
truth
Which makes it a very amorphous condition. It becomes anything you want it to be unless there's a core set of traits you all share to some degree
I wish we could talk about ourselves as having different traits or characteristics or approaches; I don't feel that my ways of interacting with the world are "symptoms".
Especially when so many NT traits are so very harmful to our planet, maladaptive on all sorts of scales... but considered normal; "their personality", "their choice".
@Ville you
That’s totally the truth social wise I’m a mix of introvert and extrovert aka an inextrovert I guess and I’ve never been a fan of anything that makes explosive sounds even glass breaking has me shocked but not be
as frightened as explosive sounds such as from normal balloons and fireworks exedra exedra
The first bit about being extroverted as a child hit me hard. My parents said "I just stopped talking one day." Well yeah, because I kept getting told what I was saying was wrong. Then we moved to a new city and I was bullied really bad. I always have this feeling of no one liking me and having no idea why.
LITERALLY ME! My mom always tells me “you were so outgoing as a kid, I would always tell people: you’re never bored with daphne!”
It’s upsetting to hear because she typically follows that up with “I want THAT person back”…😔
Same here. I was a happy child who wanted to talk with people and make friends but when you're constantly told you're weird or not acting like everyone else, it adds up over time. Even worse, my parents treated me like that so it started at home. Also had to deal with homophobia as well so you could imagine how little I wanted to be myself growing up
Same exactly
I think I might be autistic, but I don't wanna self diagnose. I relate to a lot of things mentioned in the video, but it could just be my social anxiety.
That hits so hard
For me, I never fit in as a kid. I always knew I was different and was self conscious. Friend groups were hard because I always had the paranoia that they secretly hate me. For a long time I thought that it was just social anxiety, until I started noticing that I just didn’t talk at all. Not even to my friends or family.
It's a very common for autistic people to feel like they are "aliens", quite literally, until they find out about what autism entails or meet others exactly like them. You know it soon too, I knew it as soon as I got into school and realized nothing made sense and everyone hated me because they seemed to be able to also spot that I am an alien, that I don't belong around them. I would say this could be a development from getting bullied but really this was like the very first week of elementary school that already I was the #1 target for the kids and even the teachers, they all hated me almost instantaneously and I genuinely could not understand WHY. Hell I got diagnosed at age 7 with clinical depression because the difference was so stark and still so unclear on its origin that I became borderline suicidal. The alien feeling never really goes away, but at least I know why I feel that way now, y'know. I don't talk much either by the way, even as a child I would only talk minimally and usually only with practiced language like just saying "please" and "thank you" because being "polite" and nothing else for some reason got most adults to just leave me the hell alone.
THE PARANOIA YEs!! until i secretly recorded them talking about me, it wasn’t that bad but still. now im going into 10th grade with almost no friends :-)
I always think to myself "why the hell i meed to go and talk to them? If we were really friends they would talk to me too" i still can't understand im the one who need to start the converstaion bc the other side would never
I always felt like there was something wrong with me. Like everyone knew it, but no one would tell me. I litterally never had friends, I just couldn't make friends. Not even in pre K. I felt so out of place. I remember crying to my mom about it alot.
I didn't make real friends until after school and after learning about autism/aspurgers and realizing thats probably what I have. I've never been diagnosed but man, that is such an extream thing to experience, and figuring this out was such a game changer, that I don't see how I wouldn't have it.
wait….this has always been me
When you talked about the way you grew up as an extrovert but had to learn to be an introvert to survive after being reprimanded over and over again for social things you didn't understand. And eventually becoming more introverted because of that. I also definitely understand that and the deep feeling of loneliness that comes with it.
RIGHT?? like god i seriously can't tell if this is some underlying issue that isn't autism but the experience is so spot on and even without a disability that experience was so beyond awful
exactlyy bc i didn’t really have that physical reprimanding from other people i think i kind of did it to myself. i would always punish myself for saying the wrong thing or not doing the right thing or just not fitting in the way i wanted to. i can definitely relate to that intense loneliness it’s like you crave social interactions but everything you do is wrong
lol I told a friend (Jorge Avila) that I used to be extrovert but since few experiences and events I become full introvert x.x and i guilt my externals problems 🥲😊🥲
@@thecampgay you 🤝me, victims of making ourselves our own worst enemies
The one thing that people say that absolutely crushes me is when I meet new people and try to talk a lot and contribute to conversations to then have someone turn to me and ask “why are you so quiet, why don’t you talk?” Like ugh what was I draining myself for in the first place tf
Right
This is my nightmare
THIS.
When this happens to me that just makes me want to isolate more or just not interact with those people
This one just ruins my entire mood and motivation to socialize. I just shut down bc what's the point? 😔
Sounds like you may have gone through what I did. I was extroverted until kids started bullying me, first at church, then at school, daily, and it never stopped until I dropped out of high school, took my GED, and started community college with actual adults who knew how to behave like civilized human beings. Things started getting a little easier after that, but making friends is always hard for me - I have PTSD from my school years and that just never goes away.
I went through the same thing you did
no one understand the trauma of being bullied as a child and the permanent effect it has on you your entire life: your love life, not making friends, not liking people, not getting along with people at work, being judegmental
when a kid shoots up the school they goto people wonder why and how that could happen - I understand it perfectly
I went through bullying from my peers and even my teachers, but my sister brushes off that trauma by saying it’s apart of god’s plan, and that it happened for a reason. Well if that’s true then I fucking hate god because he ruined my life with autism and my other disabilities.
I've never related to anything harder.
Honestly yeah I wonder how things would have been if I dropped out got my GED then did a local college and or got diagnosed with social anxiety and adhd then got treatment for it while I was still a kid. I feel like those things definitely would have helped more and also yes I agree Complex Ptsd never goes away.
The church part👀
I think one good way to look at it is if said "autistic" behavior appeared in adulthood or was always present. Because that's a very common question that you will be asked and diagnosed, it has to be present in childhood to be autism (undiagnosed or diagnosed). Otherwise it can be things like depression, burnout, anxiety etc.
I was never diagnosed in childhood, but I had all of the traits. At 44 I can no longer mask or try to fit in without having a complete meltdown/shutdown. In 2015/2016 I went 2-3 weeks at a time without speaking to anyone in the house or eating anything because of overstimulation. Often I was targeted by abusers in relationships because of my condition. I didn’t know that my traits were related to autism.
@darkwingduck3477 And then the complication of "well what if they have both?!" makes it challenging to diagnose, since how can autistic people not develop severe anxiety if they have to constantly be subjected to an uncomfortable environment and needing to act like someone they're not in order to fit in? So rather than say or imply that the fear of rejection rules out autism, I think it's more accurate to say that having sensory sensitivities to the point where it affects your quality of life means its autism.
@@cameronschyuder9034 Its actually not super common to have both anxiety and autism. Most anxiety therapy treatment don't really work for autistic people. Most of the anxiety that autistic people feel often time find their origin in the difficulties that comes with being autistic. For example, anxious to be in social interactions, not because of some irrational fear, but rather because you genuinley are quite bad at it etc.
@@BigmanDogsBut sometimes you could have social anxiety and also be socially awkward which adds to your fear of social situations. You just don't have the sensory issues part so that would mean it's likely not autism. Same with the if you're autistic you probably have difficulty talking about anything that isn't your special interest and would lack the social awareness to understand that most ppl you meet expect small talk and would like to be asked questions back instead of being there while you rant about your special interest.
So really ppl on the autism spectrum will most likely have social anxiety but that's just a side effect of their environment and not exactly what being on thr spectrum is about.
The thing is I genuinely don’t remember anything
That's what I was labeled growing up. I failed kindergarten the first time I went because I wouldn't talk (selective mutism) this was back in the 80's. I was then labeled anxious, and with panic attacks or depressed. Never diagnosed. Fast forward to now, I have a 9 year old son who was just diagnosed with Autism and anxiety disorder. Identical to the symptoms I had growing up. Now so much my childhood and current life makes a lot of sense. Reasons I think I was never diagnosed was 1 - parents with autistic traits who saw my behavior as normal 2 - also my parents were immigrants here, we didn’t have a lot of money. Plus 4 kids! 3- general awareness of how autism presents in girls 4 - heavy masking beginning when I was in 3rd grade
I had a similar experience. I would just like to gently add that those can also be cptsd symptoms. To me what's labeled autism is a developmental delay in more mild cases. It wasn't until I looked into attachment theory that things made more sense. Also keep in mind that children absorb everything like a recording device, indiscriminately the first few years so often they will absorb personality traits of the parent. Before our discernment comes online and we begin to rebel against our own programming.
@@Ouranos369 I have many more autistic traits than anxiety and panic etc… but those were the only ones that were noticeable to myself and parents and as far as I’m concerned the only ones that need to be helped broadly speaking. I have echolalia and repetitive behaviors. I can recall many behaviors that I had as a child that were “autistic” but now as an adult they aren’t as prevalent bc I found other more “normal” coping mechanisms but not necessarily healthy.
I relate to this. The selective mutism is confusing to me when I look back. I remember being very unable to speak because I was overwhelmed by confusion with everyone's behavior and it scared me and made me unable to talk. I also grew up in the 80s. I still have non verbal moments but it's more related to internal sensory overwhelm or fatigue. It's like verbal language is secondary to my cognition. Does this make sense? I relate to non speaking Autistic people very well.
i remember being put in a "special" class in kindergarten bc they could tell i was different, but that shit was so mf boring and easy they took me out really fast lol
i feel it i masked from my best friend bc she was confident and made people laugh so i thought, if i cant be that pretty girl maybe i can be the girl who makes people laugh" and i slowly "faked it til i made it" . Another mantra i had when coming out of my shell was "its only embarrassing if youre embarrassed"
I feel so overwhelmed. I remember being a extroverted kid. I feel like I learned to be by myself. I want to be social and put myself out there. I always say: I'm introverted but not shy. Ill say whatever is on my mind but i feel this disconnect with others
Yes, this is 100% me!!
Saaaame
That’s harsh… Maybe you’ll manage to work this out someday. Maybe balance things a little, so that you can improve your social skills and get what you need. Therapy may help, idk
“But I feel
This disconnect with others”
So do I. I can be engaging and charismatic and people tend to like talking to me but I feel disconnected . I’ve not been able to fix it solve that .. I find socializing to be very draining as well
This is 100% me 😐
I have friends that are shy or just have social anxiety, and a key difference I've noticed between myself and them is when they're in a crowded area, they're self concious and maybe a little nervous, but they can still function, and they will generally start to relax as they get more comfortable. When I'm in a crowded place, I'll usually start out ok, but all the visual noise and actual noise and people bumping me, each thing is like a shock in my brain disrupting my thoughts. I'll try to concentrate on whatever task we're supposed to be doing, but it chips away at me until my verbal skills break down and pretty soon it's all I can do to just flee. Once I get to the point that I'm just fleeing, my fight or flight triggers an anxiety attack and I feel like I'm literally going to die for the rest of the day, and I'm exhausted for days after that.
But how can you come to this insightful reading of this situation if your thoughts are scrambled and our judgements are immersed in some distortion that enables us to get away from the situation?
I can relate hard to this...
It was a normal thing to me...
@ErikeMiranda is not like being scrambled lol as I get more overwhelmed, it's more like energy conservation. It takes more and more energy to regulate myself as time goes on, so I have less energy to spend on the brain power it takes to be sociable. I'm still able to think. If I push myself too far I'll end up triggering a panic attack, I've used up all my energy to regulate and I just have to go. But I'm not just blindly freaking out with no awareness of what's around me. I'm 44, so I'm much more self aware of my triggers and limitations than I was at 20 or so. In my teens and early 20's especially, I might not even know what triggered me and it would very quickly send me into a tailspin. I didn't know what was going on and I would just freak out, it was debilitating. Decades of experience and therapy have helped me develop a pretty good toolbox to check in with myself and to know my strengths and limitations.
You’re like a bunny :3 (im high)
thsi si so true . i found out that at 79 yrs old im a autistic, and nwo finally in life i can learnd how to make new frends and live life. im so happy i watched this while im still young and have time. and now know what i am.
I started a new job two weeks ago, and I’m constantly fatigued at the end of the day and I feel anxious before I go to work. I absolutely love my job, I work in a lab but I work as part of a team of 8 and because it’s my first time working professionally I’m struggling to figure out how to interact with my team and be more likeable and respected. I’m starting to mask more and more often because everyone is chatty and when I was quiet and settling into my role, a colleague said I should talk more and I ended up joining into the conversations, talking more than I would have liked to and it’s exhausting. I’m forcing myself to be more extroverted just to fit into the team.
I’m naturally introverted but when I’m masking I can become extroverted until I burn out…
Im struggling with the same thing right now.
It's the same for me, I work in a lounge bar for the Summer.
I was extraverted during my childhood and would talk to everyone but when my parents divorced ,when a person in my surroundings started to over criticize me as well as my family did, I just learned to be introverted.
Talking to others, smiling is a pain to me, I struggle and I get tired of it mentally.
For my colleagues, what I do is not enough. Since I don't talk, they just consider that I don't care and when something happens, it's my fault. But I swear, it's been a while since I smiled that much (it's fake though). When I talk to someone, I overanalyze what she says, how she behaves. The person forgets easily the conversation but I just keep it in my mind and will think about it and just take the pessimistic side as I always do.
I'm a physics student who is exhausted from her year, and now I just have to work without any vacation and just notice that my issue with people is worse that I thought it was.
My whole family wants me to quit, because they know I'm tired but I have to talk to the manager and I'm scared because he obviously hates me.
I wrote a huge text and I'm sorry for my English.
@@peanutbuttericecream2948i hope that things will get better for you🫂
im very sorry for these experiences. i hope that things will get better for you and the others who commented under this comment. 🫂
Pro-tip ^.^ If you feel like you can be misunderstood as "pushy" for asking too many questions - ask people questions about themselves, ask hypothetical questions or questions regarding a common academic interest. People, especially extroverted allistic(neurotypical) folks LOVE talking, especially about themselves. Make up an ethical or academical problem with a story and ask people for imput instead of asking directly. Questions like "Why do you think they don't teach Lagrangian mechanics in school? How would you make more young people interested in STEM? What science RUclipsrs you watch and why? What do you think about modernising parts of costumes, focusing on modern makeup and hair, does it take you out of the illusion?" Not only will everyone enjoy the conversation without it feeling confrontational but also, questions like these can inform you about their values and approach. Maybe you are lucky to have cool, open, accepting co-workers you wouldn't need to mask in front of? If you keep them talking,it takes pressure of you having to keep up with the flow of conversation, their tone, voice, emotions. Keeping subjects of the questions hypothetical, open ended and opinion-based allows for intense, genuine conversation without having to worry about making someone feel insulted, not believed, judged. Also - studies show that being asked for help in small tasks makes people consider the person who asked more likable and pleasant. Everyone likes feeling liked, wanted, y'know? I don't know a single person who wouldn't appreciate that, as well as hearing genuine "I'm glad I'm working with you, guys" or "wow, you are so precise, I wouldn't have figured to do it like this" or even a simple "I'm happy to see you!". Hopefully they turn out to be wonderful people you can be yourself with.
The fun really starts when you're a shy, introverted person, wondering whether you're also autistic. 😳 Like me, at 53. And having the added bonus of being a chronically ill, mostly bedbound hermit with no irl social contacts for years. Oh, and cognitive disfunction and memory loss from the disease. The diagnostic process is challenging, to say the least.
I'm very introverted, shy and a very sensitive person. I'm also starting to wonder if I have some autism..
@@xPanicFiex please dont diagnose yourself just bc youre shy lol..
@SoulSeekerÃderes there is no such thing as "some autism", you're either autistic or you're not. Please be careful with the way you word things
@@valeriacastro2746 Autism is a spectrum, not a binary.
Did you ever hear of AvPD? There's a fair bit of overlap; AvPD could be described as extreme introversion plus low self-image.
One of the things that lead me to realize I was autistic and not just socially anxious was that even after I had worked on my self esteem a lot and generally saw myself quite positively, I still spend a lot of time ruminating about what people thought of me. I realized that it wasn't (just) that I had reasons to believe people would dislike me, I just genuinely could not tell what feelings they were expressing when interacting with me. I think it's really tough when you're autistic because the only feedback that you'll actually pick up on is on the extremes. People might be giving you subtle feedback that they don't appreciate something you do etc for ages, but you won't notice until they're fed up with you and it feels like that could happen at random.
It’s so wildly accurate how you described autistic social anxiety with the folder analogy. Whenever I try to explain this to people, I like to say that everyone in my life has their own tv show and I have a specific different role that I play in each one. I always know what my motivation is with everyone after I’ve had a couple of interactions with them. I know my friends are that I’m expected to be the comic relief around, or the advice giver, or the wise cracking edgy guy. But on the other hand, I never learned how to play the general/natural roles of who I actually am to people and in society, i.e. son, brother, student, tutor, leader, manager etc. I always am “writing drafts” for people in my head and picking dialogue options that make the most sense based on previous interactions. My life is just one big rpg lol
I believe I've had autism and ADHD unchecked for so long we're now I'm 35 that it's also morphed into something worse because I've had too many stress hormones not being able to relate to anyone else or society.
This completely! This is what I do (not diagnosed, but suspect ADHD & Autism). It's like I'm playing a part, acting. I 100% relate to life being an RPG.
I was the same way when I was a child I always was extroverted I loved talking with all kinds of people and talk to everyone. But the older I got the more I started to become introverted and close myself off more and more because I feel like I was told throughout my life to not be the way I was that there was something wrong with how I interacted with others. Now I suffer from anxiety constantly and I’m always trying to be what other people want me to be. So now I need to retrain myself to just be me.
Yeah, that's probably the main difference between autistic people and people who might have some "autistic" traits or anxiety etc. Autistic people have these sorts of behavioral "issues" in childhood as well.
@@BigmanDogs Which behavioral "issues" specifically are you referring to? This comment seemed to me that this person had less issues in childhood
@Sarah Paul Wow I know exactly what you mean
relatable
I used to get told that I was annoying because I used to talk wayyyy too much as a kid (I guess that was being extroverted) and now I’m wondering if that’s an autistic trait
I've listened to hours worth of similar content on different channels curated by excellent speakers, but this video is the single best explanation I've ever heard of how it actually feels to be autistic.
i am actually currently (since two months) consuming everything about autism (books, videos, tik toks, tests, diagnostic criteria etc etc) and i am still kind of gaslighting myself in "thats normal"/ "its something else" eventhough autism would literally explain every experience.
thank you so much for this video because now i can definitely rule out i am "just an introvert" because i love meeting new people and having social interactions but i get so drained because of new rules to follow or sensory input that is too much, so that i cant speak for days after..
I feel this. Especially adds mode internal conflict for myself when my own mom is constantly gaslighting me into thinking I'm not autistic or I'm not "like that" despite literally being officially diagnosed. It's tough out here man..
But introverts don't hate meeting people
Consuming mass information about a specific topic is such an autism thing too I've fallen into the routine of needing to look up if what I'm feeling is a universal autism experience or just me since I realised I'm on the spectrum
this is so relatable help 😭 i’ve had people tell me to my face that i’m autistic or the way i act is “deformed” (i. don’t know why my friend chose that word !) but i was still like “nah there’s no way” and although im still very much like that i’m getting a bit better. there was a time where i was a lot more convinced and wanted to get diagnosed but i brought it up with my mother and she said that i’m self diagnosing and i need to stop which unlocked an even Stronger fear of being wrong,, im still having a lot of trouble justifying a reason for me to get a diagnosis in the first place because i dont have a lot of trouble with these things- so far the only stuff that happened that i can kinda relate to it was crying in class because it was too noisy and people kept walking around everywhere and dragging their feet (this hurts my ears and makes me feel so uneasy idk why) and also feeling overwhelmed and crying when there’s a lot of people in the same room as me but that can probably be amounted to me just being a stupid crybaby 😖
@jaydinnaidoo Isn't asking to see a doctor... that wouldn't be self-diagnosing? If you think you broke your leg, you go to the doctor. The point of seeing a professional that can diagnose you, is to not self-diagnose. Your mother saying that makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Now looking back I remember being pretty extroverted in kindergarten and being so unaware/didn’t really care when a teacher was mad at me for talking, but come first grade I feel like it totally switched and I became terrified of getting yelled at for anything.
My mom said I was exactly like this until teachers kept beating it into me
yeah it was def the teachers for me, i got quieter bc it felt like i had to walk on eggshells around them
You have the POWER to face your fear.
Marisa Peer- hypnotherapist free RUclips videos
- draw paint doodle for depression/ sadness
I could so relate omg
same
Here is the thing. The reason it is talked of as a "spectrum" is in my opinion because it is incredibly difficult at best and impossible at worst to apply categorization to any of this. As humans we want everything neatly labelled and put in boxes, but our personalities and minds are not like that. They do not fit nicely into boxes you can point at. Some people have personalities that simply defy what psychology/psychiatry could comfortably deal with. Simply ticking off a list of "symptoms" and/or "attributes" does not always work.
It's true that everyone is different and neurodivergency is often more complex in reality, but we need some kind of common ground to be on the same level when we talk/educate us about things like this.
Also researches don't just come up with these categories, they use statistic methods and test whether these are rather valid or how they could be improved.
These categories may not be perfect yet but at least most people do fit in these categories somehow.
@@raaagdoll Right, and labels are also a way for us to say, "look, it's not because i'm broken or that i chose to be this way, i just have a different brain than yours (and there are also many people like me!) and it doesn't always mesh well in a society that doesn't take people like me into consideration." Labels help us find the community that share our traits or have similar ones, which creates a sense of belonging, a thing that most humans want. I mean, "autism" is a lot easier to say "people who have different social communication ways than what is normalized and also engage in repetitive, restrictive behavior that would be considered unusual or different than expected by the majority population."
Another issue with labels comes with people assigning certain stereotypes that may be untrue and harmful because they are unaware of the complexities that the label is subbing in for. Labels aren't perfect, but I believe that the benefits outweigh the negatives, especially if you're in a position where you need, for instance, work accommodations.
A spectrum is still a list of symptoms and attributes, it just has a variable range of intensity and presentation.
@@sinch4044 When you define it like that it becomes completely pointless because if Symptom X or Attribute Y can present as 0 or 100 on a "spectrum" and that spectrum refers to a SPECIFIC set of symptoms and/or attributes then the whole thing becomes mindbogglingly vapid.
@@sinch4044The problem with a spectrum is that the list of symptoms becomes so wide anyone could diagnose themselves as autistic at that point. It has to be more specific
It is so hard to express what’s happening inside when communicating with family. Thank you for the validation.
@Ville 🤡🤡
@Ville it seems you do. Thank you 🙏 😍
@Ville_x I don’t have any thumbs 😲
I’m sorry I thought you were trolling me. If you weren’t I’m really sorry 😣 🩷
whoa, the points you made on difficulty with transitions and feeling lonely but then becoming overwhelmed when actually hanging out with people called me tf out. definitely opened up a new perspective for me, thanks
me too!and ong the anya pfp >>>
me too!
The part about how you were extroverted as a child and introverted now felt like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. My parents always say “well you used to be so outgoing and happy!” Yeah, but from the reactions other people gave me for my outgoing behaviour, and me sometimes not knowing boundaries, it made me overthink what I was doing wrong, in turn, making present me nervous, anxious and unwilling to interact with people. This video has made me reflect on me and my childhood, it’s made so much clearer for me.
I feel somewhat the opposite! I was very introverted and shy as a child. As I got older, I'd still refer to myself an introvert but I learned that masking is the root cause of me feeling drained all the time. Therefore, I got better at talking to people and unmasking little by little and it's making me feel so much better. I think it's because as a child, kids (especially other girls) would make fun of me for talking about whatever was on my mind, but as I got older and talked to more adults and more mature people, I realized people aren't so bad and that more people are going to be more accepting rather than unaccepting. I don't think I'll ever be an extrovert, simply because I get more energy being alone and I value my alone time, but I don't mind being an introvert that now has more social skills and is braver in conversation is perfect for me.
Whereas I have learnt that not masking causes more problems than it doesn't. People don't want the non-masked me. So I will keep masking forever. :) Non-masking me is too much for everyone.
@@StrangeSpark Despite me non masking more as an adult, there are a lot of situations where I definitely need to mask! Work is a good example, if I don't mask some days at work I'd probably get fired tbh lol. So yeah, completely understand those who want to mask it really just depends on the person and the situation.
You just perfectly described me there as well😧 holy crap! I didn't expect this...
I never want to socialize, even a little. Recess was my least favorite part of school as a child.
Socializing to me is objectively overstimulating, emotionally uncomfortable, confusing, and generally awful.
I love being alone and I love my own company. Can’t recall a time in my life when I felt lonely being by myself.
But the world is constantly suggesting there’s something wrong with me. That people need people to be healthy. I understand why people say this, but it’s just never been true for me (aside from the obvious reliance we have on community doctors, teachers, etc.).
By far the unhealthiest I’ve been in my life has been when I’m around people most days (e.g. school, work).
This video is so validating and helpful, thank you.
i am late diagnosed autistic with ptsd. i sometimes dogsit/housesit for my parents, and i just had no idea why i would get so exhausted at the end of it. i would get really frustrated at myself for getting more and more tired overtime until my parents gets home and ill just colapse in my bed or another comfortable spot i feel safe in knowing my parents are home again and i dont have these responsebilities on me anymore. Your dog story with your brother makes me so emotional but really thankful that i know im not alone in this. i finally have words to describe to my parents i didnt have before, that i CANT handle more than a certain amount of days of dogsitting in their house because i will get depressed. Sounds like just a simple thing but i really had no idea i could solve it like this and be nicer to myself. well i didnt even know it was a problem to solve, i just endured because i thought it was something i had to. Because i expected it from myself. Thank you.
Introverts are not necessarily shy. I have been an introvert my whole life yet I have high self esteem and confidence. My silence and watching/listening is often mistaken as being aloof and arrogant.
Same experience, happy and chosen, unalienated representations of introversion are about inexistant because "we" are the lucky few who had the luckiest experiences in trauma, bullying, environmental care, stability etc... so our mental health and self-esteem hasn't been damaged so much as many sadly (or we had conditions making able to stand it, or are at a point in life in which it's over).
In my case, it also lead me to be somewhat arrogant tho, both innocently and cluelessy but also in usual cringy fashion of middle-class autistic guys playing coy, because of autistic self-centeredness + luck + no masking + acquiring knowledge about everything (specific interests like youtube or materialism that hijack the centralization about 1 subject).
I have a memorable XP where NT people took my clumsy datadump that was an introvert trial to talk about the subject like arrogance, wanting to show I know everything, while I was just happy to have found a way not to keep silent for a subject and interact within a specific interest I naively believe they shared. I'm lucky it happened once, I know some that had their self-esteem gaslit because living it over and over, young etc...
But other times, online, I have been the typical cringelord, paternalistic and all.
I feel like you've described me.
Same here! I’m not shy or intimidated by anyone. I just like being quiet and doing my own thing. A lot of people don’t interest me and are annoying
@@queenbutterfly4888 a typical conversation.
"What's the matter?".
"Nothing".
"It takes more energy to frown than it does to smile".
"Yeah? It takes more energy to point that out than leave me alone".
@@CodeNameV13 👏
I saw a psychiatrist about potentially having adhd. We spoke for about an hour and i kept crying throughout for reasons unbeknownst to me. I didnt want to tell her outright why i was there because i didnt want to influence her train of thought or have her looking through the lens of adhd while we were talking ( just in case i dont have it and its all in my head) but i felt i didnt have a choice when she said “so why are you here today??” 😂😂. She gave me a questionnaire…. And asked me a few questions and in the end she said i just have mild attention issues and anxiety. But she said I should see a counselor to “see what all the crying is about” i really wanted a diagnosis so i could like.. know that im not crazy and something is actually wrong and i can fix it but i didnt get that at that appt. I went to the counselor and in our first session she says not only does it sound like i have adhd but it seems like i always had it and struggled with it in childhood… but i still have no formal diagnosis or medicine or care plan or anything… i started this journey in feb 2023.. i hate the way i am sometimes. Whatever it is i have whether its adhd or autism or anxiety or both it makes it hard for me to be around ppl. I have short patience and get overstimulated and overwhelmed quickly. And whatever treatment i do potentially get what if it doesnt help? Idk its just annoying.
"i really wanted a diagnosis so i could like.. know that im not crazy and something is actually wrong and i can fix it" I don't know if you will ever read my reply but I'm so glad someone feels the same way as me. It literally happened the same to me, I went to a psychiatrist, we talked for a little more than an hour. Couldn't keep myself from crying (and I felt so fucking embarrased lol) but still didn't get a diagnosis. Oh my god I feel slightly less alone now thank you so much for sharing your experience
I haven’t gone to get formally diagnosed, I’m still mulling over whether that would indeed help me. But you hit the nail on the head about feeling the way you do. You’re not alone. A lot of us feel the same way. ❤
This video is like a warm hug. It just makes me feel so much less alone
That one tiktok asking why I have to talk too, why I can't just listen - get yourself an ADHD friend. I'm autistic, my friend is ADHD. When we're together, he will talk for hours without me having to say much at all. We hung out the other day, and in 5 hours together, I said maybe a dozen sentences.
Thank you so much for your video. I define myself more as a shy person than autistic but I share a lot of pain with autistic people and introverts who are not understood by people. I feel it interesting that I am not that anxious around strangers but I'm a lot anxious around someone I already know, such as coworkers and Friends.
This is why, in some cases, I support self diagnosing. There's so many obstacles that you have to go through to get diagnosed with autism, and, even if you do get diagnosed, there are many things that will be used against you or become unavailable to you..
what becomes unavailable?
As a person who didn’t know I had autism until 29, I spent a LOT of time analyzing people, behaviors, words, and habits. I’ve analyzed who are the people who are popular and what do they have in common that make them so well received. Then I copy loads of different behaviors to blend in between different type of people. The first thing I do every time I meet a new human, I always analyze them and study them to see what kind of person they are, are they a nice person or a cruel person?, what are their intentions towards me and others?, etc and act accordingly. So it’s not that I have a set list of how to interact with others. I start off polite and a little distant to begin with as I analyze them and as I collect more data about them I will either relax a little and more of my personality will shine through or I will become more weary of them and not offer any information about myself to keep myself safe. And as far as socializing, I genuinely enjoy it but it is mentally and emotionally draining. I don’t like going out much because even thinking about going out is tiring and I need rest from even considering the idea.
The first few questions I always ask before having to attend any social event is....
1 who will be there?
2. Where is it?
3. How should I be and what will I talk about?
As being myself, is always out of the question!!
Me too
When you put in 19:35 that extroverted autistic people feel the need to sacrifice time with people they love because they are too tired instead of not wanting to see them.. I felt that so much. Although I classify myself as an introvert, I had this exact problem with my now ex-girlfriend. I love her sososo much but the intensity of a romantic relationship was overwhelming me. The touching and the staring into each other's eyes longingly and the spending time exclusively with each other and basically the attention she would dedicate to me would leave me completly exhausted and sometimes I would just stop talking because it was all so much. Thankfully she is a therapist and works with autistic people so she understood and we are trying to find a new dynamic that works for the both of us because I know that she was hurting from my evasiveness as well. It's all very personal and I'm not one to share like this but I've just been feeling awful for having split with someone that I loved so deeply bc I simply could not phisically handle their love. Thank you for the video, it made me feel less alone ❤
Somehow it's really comforting to listen to you. You are so good at telling about autistic struggles, having all those folders of everyone and how difficult it is to adapt.
Highly suggest people to check the "list of common female autistic traits" I realte to 98% of them and I always considered myself as "relatively good" in social issues. Me therapist has identified me as hypersensitive which is in the neurodivergent umbrella but on the lowest side of the autistic spectrum. ❤
do you have a link or website name where i can find this?
I'm so glad I came across your channel! I actually tried to get an ADHD official test and my psychiatrist told me it is not diagnosable on a national level, in my country. Which is such BS. I have all the symptoms And I often test well above average on ADHD and even autism tests.
Are you from Bulgaria or an ex-USSR county, because same for people over 18 at least.
i’m autistic and i’ve never been able to figure out where i align on the introvert/extrovert spectrum because i constantly feel lonely and crave connection with others when i’m alone, but making the first move in a social interaction is enough to cause a panic attack. I’ve been conditioned by some horrible friends (and bullies in retrospect) to see myself as incompetent and incorrect by nature, so now i need to observe others and allow them to choose to interact with me out of fear that i’ll screw it up. I love people, but i’m not the easiest person to get along with and that awareness holds me back a lot.
Drink camel milk asap
Thank you
This was incredibly validating 🫶🏻
I have a similar story to yours. I was a very extroverted child from before I could even talk (I was told that I would walk up to strangers and speak gibberish to them XD), and I was super energetic and happy about life. But I always found myself getting into trouble at school, being sent to the principal's office for talking or beat boxing during class, or having difficulty interacting with classmates. This eventually led to me feeling out of place when interacting with kids at school, not really understanding social queues, being constantly rebuked by teachers and my parents, and desiring to be accepted by people around me.
I finally made the decision to change myself to be 'good' and to stop being 'bad' once I finished elementary school, and somehow unconsciously turned into an introvert. I became VERY shy, quiet around strangers (even my parents) and anxious in social interactions with classmates and friends.
It was not until recently that I looked back and really understood the change that happened, since my parents would often reminisce about how bubbly, energetic, talkative, and happy of a person I used to be, and now I struggle to feel comfortable to express my true feelings and emotions around anyone (even my parents) except for my two closest friends.
I've had to relearn how to talk to people, because I unintentionally tend to speak softly and mumble my words, so I had to learn to project my voice when I talk to people in public, or when people have trouble hearing me. However, the transition process of learning how to speak properly was very discomforting to me, because I thought that I was 'yelling' whenever I had to speak up, and I disliked hearing myself talk. I also struggled (still do) with looking at people when I talked to them, cause I would begin to feel VERY uneasy if I look at someone face to face for longer than a second. I was always told by my teachers/parents, 'look me in the eye when I'm talking to you' when I was being rebuked, so I guess I developed some sensitivity to prolonged eye contact.
So currently I consider myself an introvert, but if I'm alone for too long, I get miserably lonely and sad XD So I do crave social interaction with close friends from time to time. I have some sensory sensitivity to lights (I need all lights insude/outside my room off to fall asleep, I can't use nightlights, and have to cover my alarm clock LED light before I go to bed), large groups of people, and if people stand too close to me in public I feel extremely uncomfortable. My social battery is super short, and something as simple as being asked to 'go grocery shopping with someone', or go outside when my plan for the day was to chill in my room and relax, really throws my routine out of whack and it takes a while to recover and decide if I want to go or not XD
I may have some traits akin to autism, but mostly I think I am a former extroverted, now introverted, person. This video was super insightful and helped me see that I'm not alone out there XD Thank you for taking time to explain everything clearly, provide examples, and also share personal experiences 👍
This comment resonated with my soul lmfao. God bless 🙏
My exact situation
I was definitely shy (mostly to adults) but extroverted as a kid (especially towards my peers). But learned that introverted behaviors resulted in generally more favorable results more often. I've always been told I am shy throughout my entire life.
These are good comparisons that I do relate to a lot.
Even as a small child I wouldn't wash my hands unless I was forced to. There is just something too much with the soap, the water, the rubbing... I can make myself do so now if I have to, but I doubt I'm doing it well cause I always rush it to get it over with. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it... (not diagnosed, but I very much suspect autism & ADHD).
If we look at Carl Jung’s cognitive theory, you can’t really change yourself from being an introvert or extrovert. The environment is what makes you change and “hide” yourself. If you start to lose connection to your true sense of self, you become anxious and depressed.
As a kid, I was always timid and shy, but throughout life, I find it hard to continue to keep up with the masking of my personality. I come home every day super tired and spend quite a bit of time trying to recharge and recover. I still deal with confusion in my self and sometimes can’t differentiate between what I want and what society wants. Years of trauma will do that to you.
I’m also a late, diagnosed adult, and I see it more as being honest with what I love and what I choose to zoom into. People always say to be yourself and follow your heart, but society really twists and turns your sense of self. You become adversed from the activities and hobbies you used to love because of societal shaming. Then you spend the rest of your life trying to chase what makes you happen, even though the nostalgic stuff you used to like can’t bring you the same happiness. You have aversions to things that make you happy, but it’s so hard to find what that is when you can’t see it anymore. Not sure if that makes sense.
Shyness isn’t introversion or autism. It stems from anxiety.
Thanks for this comment! This also always confuses me. I have ADHD and I would call myself an introvert because social interactions cost me energy, but I still enjoy them and I am definitely not shy.
Labels like ”Autism” or ”ADHD” are just bad.
Can’t sit still in school and focus on to something that bores you? ADHD. Maybe it’s just boredom?
Don’t do well in social situations? Autism. Maybe it’s just that people are very different.
But we just feel the need to label ourselves like this. I think it’s way more complex than just having ADHD or Autism.
I mean, I see your point in the sense that everyone is different and that we should adapt to everyone as a society. But then again I would have given my left arm to have gotten a diagnosis earlier, I had so many struggles in school because nobody recognized that I had ADHD and therefore I never got the specific help that I needed.
So in essence yeah the best situation would be to have everyone accepted as they are but unfortunately I think it will take a while before we reach that point as a society :(
@carlijnoosterveen2339 Hopefully, with the increasing knowledge about both ADHD and autism, especially in girls, future ones won't have that lack of support throughout their early lives. 👍
It‘s mentioned in 4:05 that introversion and shyness are different.
I had a moment when you said folders for every person in your life. I actuallly love astrology and have certain people birth charts memorized as well as certain placements for others as soon as I talk to them I’m constantly keeping them in mind anytime I interact with them 😭
incredibly helpful! People don't realize how nuanced those things are. But it's those nuances that helped me understand what resonated within me. So thank you!
I don't think I've ever been this early on a video, but I'm very excited to see what you have to say! Thank you for uploading consistently for us to gain knowledge and view your authenic self! 💕
I just wanna say I appreciate your channel so much, it's been such a big help to my journey of discovering myself. I am an extroverted autistic, but before I just thought maybe I was introverted because I'd feel so overwhelmed, irritated, and drained after social interaction, but I really loved it. Thank you for explaining the rigid routine trait, it's one that always confused me. It makes sense why I was very anxious with big changes like a new school, or having anger and irritation that carries through my day with unexpected changes like grocery shopping afterschool, a sibling eating my food, or something not going according that causes a meltdown at the end of the day.
Thank you for validating the having autistic traits thing. I’m still in the process of figuring out whether or not I’m autistic, but so far all signs point to me being subclinical. The pressure to fit cleanly into one neurotype is so frustrating! Thank you for calling that out.
@16:00 - 16:43 oh my goodness, i just had an epiphany from this point you brought up about keeping 'mental tabs' on people, as well as how i tend to feel another layer of exhaustion from socialisation when meeting someone new. It's the sense of feeling drained because i'm learning how to interact all over again, in order to connect with that person.
I noticed that people usually forget details about me, and i just thought this was because i had 'good memory'. But it seems that i cling onto pieces of information about others so i have something, anything, to initiate interactions with them in a way that passes as neurotypical.
Thanks Irene. I've wondered for a long while, and you've helped me realise this. And I suppose it can ease some of the loneliness and neglect from having feel forgotten by others, when they don't remember me as well as I remember them.
Huh. It makes me wonder a bit, if I might actually be an extroverted autistic. The mild desperation of wanting to connect and feel like I belong but not really knowing exactly why I can't, has been a constant for me since my preteens at least. Even as a kid, I remember crying because I couldn't decide if I wanted to go to a party or not; on one hand, it sounded fun and my friends were going to be there, but on the other, it also felt potentially overwhelming, and unestructured plans have always made me anxious. I do know I started becoming shy as a teen, precisely as a result of wanting so bad to socialize, but frequently failing at doing it "the right way". I also think I started becoming hyper aware of people's implied meanings and emotions around the same time.
But then again, I think I was very comfortable with doing my own thing while I was a child too; I spent a lot of time just fantasizing and having a great time with it. So the other part might just be the very human prosocial nature mixed with the intense focus my enviroment has forced me to put onto having extroverted charachteristics. I don't know, it is all so nuanced.
Well said… we live in a very black-and-white/binary world. It’s hard to parse through the nuance..❤
I'm a bit confused about it. Isn't a part of the autistic diagnosis the "black and white" thinking? Sorry if it sounds rude.
And we always will, we see the other side of human nature. We have to pass on our observations and solutions learned to others in future generations going through the same things so they can adapt in a world that will tell them lies about themselves.
The explanations about the rigid routine and hard time with transitions is SO relatable 😭 I’m glad to hear someone else share that it could be the littlest thing and I feel like my brain is shutting down
Thank you for all the intentional content you create! I am so excited to have a coaching session with you coming up!
I felt your opening comments on this video hard.
I have autism, ADHD, PTSD and GAD, and it took so long to be diagnosed because people would always just attribute the issues I was having to the latter two disorders. Treatment for those never helped me deal with the neurodevelopmental challenges that I have.
Your channel is very comforting and validating. I always feel calm and comfy after watching and it's just a moment to think about stuff and a good self discovery moment. Love you and your content❤
I love this video, it so refreshing to hear that extroverted traits can exist (plus one can be ambivert or omnivert). I also love your explanation of the difference between being just introvert and autistic. Though I often still self-gaslight myself I can't have sensory issues and certain things in life are just normal, even knowing they aren't. That most kids have parents cut tags for them (even though I'll snap if someone cuts mine now... it must have the tag to be perfect), soda is a painful drink that feels like tiny stabs to the tongue people acquired a taste for, subwoofers in cars are torture devices used on passengers or other drivers and 72 degrees is the perfect temperature.
I have so much anxiety about self-diagnosis, but I've come to the point that the label would be too helpful and I relate to much to it that worrying about wrongly calling myself autistic. I strongly relate to everything, except the sensory issues, which I have but can be very mellow. I think that is one things that isn't extreme in the moment, but can build up over time to make me overwhelmed. I laughed out loud for how much I related to the potato story. If something disrupts my routine it will upset me, even if the thing itself isn't upsetting. It's just being unprepared.
I have alexithymia and just a general inability to process my feelings and the source of those feelings, so like I do have sensory sensitivities but it took me forever to figure out what they were, because I wouldn't rationalize that the smell of garbage or the sound of a fire alarm or even just having one too many tasks to do was the reason I was feeling like my skin was about to suffocate me and I could barely hold myself together. I thought well all I know is that I feel anxious and so i have to do things like take deep breaths or whatever, but going back and understanding what I know now, I realize that 99% of the time if I was really anxious there was usually some sort of sensory input that I at least on some level can recognize that I dont like, whether it be theres just too many people to keep a good script going or the music is too loud or even just I am too cold and I can feel it everywhere. And since this realization I have started to try things like shutting my eyes and wearing noise cancelling earbuds in the car ( not while driving lol ) because just seeing all the cars and hearing all the rumbles and honks and whatever would make me so uncomfortable I would often get estreme headaches or puke. Then when I tried blocking some of that sensory input, for the first time in my entire fuckin life, I felt **fine**. I don't ever just feel okay, not really, so that was startling, and I couldn't believe how much sensory input really screwed me up until I had it gone, and I could just never recognize it before due to my incredibly thick brain fog and again inability to rationalize whats happening to me. I wonder if you could be similar?
@@protodroidstuff oh yah, I definitely think that I don't realize how much sensory stuff affects me. Sometimes when I do block stuff out it's just easier to function, and realize how much it was affecting anxiety and such. Ty for your reply, I appreciate it!!!
Your example of having trouble with transitions really helped me! A big part of my late childhood came up and now I have a word for the problem I used to have. Back then I'd throw fits and cry and had to take naps with sudden very negative thoughts when unplanned things came up. Nowadays I can handle them better so I questioned if I had trouble with transitions at all. Your example brought that memory back up and gave me more security :3
My whole family would describe me as a super outgoing child, would promptly talk to everyone. I can’t remember that. The only think I remember is that ever since I started school, I was being anxious because I had no idea how to talk to people. I did make friends eventually and it got easier to interact with people I often interacted with, but every new group and environment would throw me into a loop. I think I did straight up copy behaviors I saw in others, but only when I was really little. There is an expression where I’m from that’s basically ‘Mary follows others’ which means someone that is easily influenced by others opinions or copied certain things. No one called me that but every time that was mentioned I’d get worried that someone would find out how much I tried to subtly copy people’s behaviors depending of which group I was interacting with. I just felt like my own self was not appropriate and people wouldn’t like me if I were more genuine, I worried my whole life that my friends didn’t actually like me and in friend groups I felt like I was no one’s first option. I got bullied as a child for being a crybaby and, amazingly, being too childish. Apparently even as a 10 yo I was too childish for the average kid. As I grew, I was labeled as shy and introverted, even though I’ve always enjoyed hanging out with people and going to parties (all of which left me absolutely drained afterwards). Now as an adult, most of my friends are online. Work colleagues asked ‘why are you so quiet?’ And I wouldn’t reply but I always think ‘well you’re just not talking about subjects I can contribute to’. While all the other women are talking about make up, clothes, men and whatever tf, I’m just sitting there playing a mobile game that I was obsessing with at the time and played at every free moment I had. Nowadays I work from home and it really can get lonely.
Tbh it’s being very hard for me to analyze how much I have sensory issues. I feel like the majority of my breakdowns (which are very rare nowadays) are due to emotional reasons. Being in a crowd can contribute and being tired and upset can make a loud ambient feel absolutely suffocating (I do tend to leave loud rooms if I can but it’s not because I was completely overwhelmed, just a little bit). I don’t think these things affect me that much on a regular basis, or maybe they do affect and just not as much? I do often have headaches and nausea. As much as I love taking a walk outside, it can be draining and depending on the day I can feel sick even within the hour, but I’m just so used to this, it never felt completely debilitating (aside from me taking naps through the day often because I don’t feel too well). I’m also in a constant state of tired no matter what (sleep issues do contribute but I’m tired even when I can sleep) but I can just push through and work and do other things in spite of that.
I hear about autistics’ experiences with sensory overload and I feel like I can’t relate to that 90% of the time, but I’m having a hard time gauging just how bad it actually is for me. Like, I don’t feel great, sure, but it’s not disrupting my life the majority of the time.
I've never been diagnosed. My 2 children have and going through the diagnosing process with them I realised I am too ❤ each of us in a different way...
I came across your channel and it's so soothing to listen to what you're saying. I was trying to start a yt channel but I was really struggling to sit in front of the camera. I often hear I look like a very confident, even intimidating woman but that's not how I feel inside 😅
I feel overwhelmed so I keep my face straight until I can relax and "let it go".
I think for the longest time I denied I had anything other than trauma, depression, and was a hyper sensitive person. I wasn’t open to the idea that I had ADHD and autism until very recently it clicks. The diagnosis makes sense! You do need to rule out other things like bipolar, PTSD, etc. while even being aware that you could have co-morbidities too.
Im going to get diagnosed with therapist, but it’s so hard to recall back during my childhood. I remember a little like im a weird person and my siblings hate me. if i try to remember it, my head hurts. Do you experience it?
Yes! Confusion when around people even in childhood coupled with anxiety... I'd agree with that 100%.
I think I was always shy as a kid. I got diagnosed with autism officially when I was 16, but I was told that I had Asperger autism as a kid, even when I didn't know if it was actually autism. I don't think I truly fit into the group of crowd when I was a kid, because everyone thought I was weird and I had hobbies that no one else had, like I liked to collect rocks or just make circles around stuff and meditate, I didn't have friends and I didn't understand why either. I remember back then I used to say stuff that people told me it was inappropriate to say that in public, but I was just saying some stuff without really thinking about it. Now that I'm an adult, I always had to suppress what I was saying and my mom was constantly reprimanding me. I thought I was supported by my parents, because my mom used to bring me to therapy when I was younger, but I feel like she never really understood my traits and why I'm like this
As usual you nailed again, Irene! You seem to be able to articulate my EXACT experience so perfectly! Before researching into autism and realizing that it is the missing puzzle piece for me in explaining the extreme difficulties I've had all my life since childhood, the only way I could explain myself was that I was an introvert.
Now I'm not so sure...maybe I prefer being alone or only in very small groups because I get overstimulated so easily. It seems that the only time I feel entirely comfortable is when I am alone, when I am more able to control my environment and my schedule. When other people are around, there's just too many variables that are out of my control, too many things that can change from minute to minute.
I also agree that shyness and introversion are different. Not all introverts are shy, and not all people who experience shyness are introverted. I also agree that a person can be an introverted autistic, or an extroverted autistic. Introversion/extroversion relates to how a person is energized in social interactions, and doesn't have anything to do with anxiety or the lack thereof.
Thank you for another excellent explanation!
Thank you for this video! 💕
I’ve definitely always been shy/introverted and also had some sensory issues (light, crowds, loud noises, itchy fabric). Not diagnosed as autistic though. I was also born very premature so sometimes I wonder if I am autistic as that can increase the likelihood.. one memory that sticks out in my mind is back when I was a kid, my mom would want to put me in summer camps for socialization and I remember begging her to take me out of it because I couldn’t bare being outside for most of the day with the sun and humidity (I’m also very pale) let alone around kids I don’t know. But I remember feeling very sensitive to the summer heat & humidity!
In one of your videos you mentioned dealing with panic attacks in enclosed spaces or situations you can’t leave. I’ve never heard anyone else explain the same experience that I’ve gone through. From the end of high school and until the 3rd year of uni, I dealt with daily panic attacks, triggered by situations I couldn’t leave or enclosed spaces (exams, stuck in a car or on a bus, taking off in an airplane and unable to use the washroom, in social situations etc). Sometimes it still happens but I’ve been good at calming myself down and getting out of it. It got pretty bad once they happened regularly and I started anticipating the panic attack to occur.
Different breathing exercises important.
Place ice cube in your palm and squeeze for anxiety
The tinny background music while she talks is annoying. It's like listening to two radio stations at once.
12:20 you put into words my entire life. Social interaction is a source of constant study for me. Learning to let go of what i can’t control and prioritise what to or what not to give a f**k about has helped a lot. I can’t control everything and if things don’t work out that’s fine, even if it’s my fault.
A couple of years ago I found out I was autistic by researching about social anxiety and introvertion to try to understand myself better. Great video 💛
I agree where it builds up in social situations you don’t realise how difficult things can be love to get a honest opinion on this topic crazy how the little things effect you even the touch of things can give me a reaction that freaks me out in my head nice that your highlighting some of the issues we deal with
Thank you so much for this video! I'm currently waiting for my diagnosis and I've been trying to find ways to explain verbally what happens in my mind, and you nailed my social experience perfectly. I was extroverted as a child... But I had social anxiety for 7 years after being "bullied" (it wasn't even that bad, but I started to feel so confused socially). Now I'm mostly an introvert. I've always questioned if my years of social anxiety are the cause of me not knowing to socialize nowadays, if I just didn't "get it" cause I didn't "practice it enough", since I didn't talk. But I'm 23 and still have so many social problems, even when social anxiety or my shyness isn't there anymore.
I can relate to a lot of what you said!
i relate to so much of this- I’m curious if you’ve gotten your diagnosis yet?
@@mari-wy5yk Yes! I got the results recently and I’m autistic. Turns out people know how to interact with other humans, even when they are shy lol. I’ve been practicing my social skills a lot the past few years, but there’s still a struggle and now I know why. If that’s your case, I recommend looking for a diagnosis if you see other signs like sensory issues and “repetitive behaviors”
24:42 The cup being moved: YES. Yes, yes, yes. I recently explained that I’d almost prefer someone rip my cup from my hand than move it from the table where I put it to the counter. At least if they take it from my hand, I know what happened and my reality isn’t shaken. T_T
Your explanation of rigidity, need for routines, and trouble with transitions resonates with me more than any other explanation I’ve heard. Thank you.
I’ve always categorized myself as an “extreme introvert.” However,I do get frustrated at some of my social limits. I value individual people, and I value community, so I want to show up. Also, I know I need some human interaction. It’s kinda like eating my vegetables. Necessary, even though solo activities are usually far more enjoyable. (Why people get together just to talk is beyond me, but I join them anyway. Can’t we get out a puzzle or Boggle? I’m slowly-very slowly-trying to speak up and suggest joint activities that are actually fun.)
I am introverted, shy, and have a lot of sensory sensitivities. I thought that I maybe had autism, though I do find myself resonating with most of the symptoms, I don't think I have it. perhaps a very mild version but not anything that seems to affect my life (other than the social aspect). Thank you for clarifying that for me :)
This was super helpful!
I was also an extroverted kid and as I've gotten older, I've grown more introverted, wanting to be at home and in my comfort space and not around other ppl and new places. I feel a strange anxiety when going to new places, and it still confuses me. I enjoy spending time with my friends, but after a while I feel exhausted, and I feel overwhelmed, as though something is off in the room even though there is nothing wrong with them or me. I can't define a sensory to this feeling, but I always start fidgeting when I get to this overwhelmed point in my experience with others and new places.
Post diagnosis and as I've begun to unmask, I've realized how much more extroverted I am than I had once realized. I would still stay I lean slightly more introverted as I do require a significant amount of time to recharge from sensory burnout, but I'm way more excitement seeking and sociable than I ever would have realized.
Oh, that example about going to the grocery store NOW. This happened so many times for me, and now I see why. I think I also have an opposite thing: when I’m already transitioned to the going to the grocery store more but my partner needs another hour to get ready (and I never sure how much exactly) - waiting in this state is super hard.
Finally, after all these years, I understand why I felt the way I did...
Just beautiful, all of your explanations, thoughts, metaphors, analogies, and most importantly your examples. They help so much :)
I'm so happy to hear you talk about the difficulty with small unexpected changes, both in schedules and just in general. I'm autistic and I have a very hard time coming to terms with small changes like that, and I have been like that my entire life. I was just never allowed to feel that way because my parents didn't know I was autistic. Now that I almost have my diagnosis, I am letting myself be autistic in all these ways that I have masked for many years, and apparently my parents think i never felt that way and I just act like that to seem more autistic (even though my mom literally yelled at me that I was autistic to insult me when I was like seven because I got distressed after a change in plans). So every time I tell them that I need more time to process changes in schedules, they get super duper annoyed and tell me that I won't be able to ask that my schedule doesn't change on the day itself in the future when I get a job. They tell me I'm childish and annoying and making a fuss over nothing, even though, like you describe so well, it feels like a vital part of the machine that is my brain got ripped out and I need time to repair my brain. So it makes me feel seen to hear you talk about that and explain it in such a clear way.
I think you did a great job at explaining key differences between introversion, shyness, and autism! Great job! It's interesting to think about how I was as a child, I know that I always had difficulty making friends. However, I would sing "You Are My Sunshine" to anyone when I was about 5. And in 3rd grade, my friend and I did a choreographed dance to a song in front of our class for no reason. I have struggled with social anxiety. I also suffered abuse as a child in my home. That definitely pushed me towards being quiet, to keep the family secrets. There are so many factors to think about. I also think you are very beautiful!
How can I reflect about these things if I can't remember shit of my childhood?😭
And when depression destroys your memories of being a teenager
I get overstimulated in the office where I work. I have sound sensitivity and I’m sensitive to people’s tone of voice. I over perform too. Things feel harder for me but I’m willing to work twice as hard.
It’s been that way in the past too where if I worked in a location with more people - I get depressed. And gravitate towards less people.
I definitely curate my life into a well oiled machine.
I was a highly intelligent and observant kid.
People misunderstand me because I’m taking everything in, and sometimes they think I’m disinterested but my mind is just doing to many things at once.
I hate the fact that i was always reprimanded at home. So living with my family for 20+ years made me think i was an introvert but now that I've moved far away from them im able to be more myself/ extroverted.
Me too
25:34 so, here's the thing... If my routine change is like "oh let's go shopping" (something I can do mindlessly) I don't have problems with it
But when is something like, "can you pick up ***** for me?" (Something I have a responsability to it, something that is important for me to do, either for me or others) I get stressed out, I need to plan out my schedule and the steps to it
*English is not my native language*
You did an excellent job explaining how autism affects you and explaining the differences of shyness and introversion.
I think a main problem, especially in self diagnosing, is that people still assume extroverted-ness as a positive trait, while introverted-ness as a negative trait. So many people think more positively about themselves when they're able to withstand a crowd of people like it's an accomplishment, but it's not. It's just your brains ability to intake specific situations. While other people's brains will literally make them feel more drained when completely alone. Neither is a positive or negative.
The way i view it is not whether or not a situation drains you more, but which situation do you come out with with more energy, being alone or being around people? Which environment do you thrive more in?
This observation mainly comes from having a friend group who are visibly on display as extroverts, who self-identified as extroverts, but actually need to decompress after a long period of time with people, especially if they felt fine in the moment. In opposition, I feel drained after being alone but will regain my lost energy after simply being around others. Additionally this is if no other factors are added in, like extra or lack of background noise, extra or lack of recognizable people to be around, etc. Again, it shouldn't be if specific conditions are met, think about the base scenario to know which wway you lean. Neither is good or bad, you just need to recognize what your body needs to feel at your best.
The part you said about becoming an introvert due to sensory inputs is so relatable.
During college all my friends started going to bars more and more, and I didn’t like the loud crowded environment like at all. Slowly shut myself in because it was better than dealing with that burnout and anxiety of being there.
Just as a sidenote, sensory sensitivity isn't solely an autistic experience, it can also be present in dyspraxia, ADHD, some postural disorders, some anxiety disorders, some behavioral disorders and some food intolerances.
From what my parents have said, I was very extroverted as a kid and would just say anything to strangers. That said, I can’t really remember anything from when I was a kid, the earliest I can remember though, middle school and early hs, I turned into a bit of an introvert. But when I met someone special that gave me confidence over the course of a few years, I slowly returned to an extrovert, and at that point I’d talk to anyone and say whatever I’m thinking no matter what’s on my mind, even if I’m talking to a stranger I don’t even know at all. That said, even with my closest homies, I really don’t even know if what I’m doing is “normal,” I never really understood social interactions and I have no clue if what I’m doing and saying is right or normal. After that special someone went away though, I’ve just turned to bad habits to cope and I’ve returned to my introversion and I have so much anxiety about my social interactions that it literally causes panic attacks nearly constantly and after I say anything I look back on and think was awkward I don’t even respond to whoever I was weird/awkward with for days or even weeks. I don’t know if my complete lack of natural social skills and my extreme social anxiety is due to autism or just my fucked up mind, but I hope I can learn and be a good guy in the future. ^^
I remember being a scared child. I wanted to talk to ppl but it was too overwhelming. Now I'm realizing that all this time I thought I was introverted bc for a long time I had no interest in friendship bc I thought it was just about small talk and boyfriends, but once I found other neurodivergent ppl, I started to crave socializing even to my own detriment. Missing out on anything with friends still bothers me
You helped me further clarify things, ThankYou
Another factor you should consider is whether you have an autistic relative. If you do, that increases your chances.
I personally think I'm on the borderline, that I have Social Communication Disorder/Pragmatic Language Impairment at least. I am female. I have an autistic sibling and I had some behavioral problems growing up; I was very quiet and had behavioral outbursts due to stress and transitions. But not the sensory issues, obsessive special interests, or strict adherence to routine. However, I had to go to speech-language therapy and counseling every week. I remember in high school, when speech-language therapy was its own class for English credits, not only was I the only girl in that class, but I was also the only one who was not an Aspie. (Red flag?)
However, at this point, I learned to manage. Therefore, I do not think my troubles are severe enough to warrant a diagnosis. I would only want it to settle the nagging question of whether I am autistic.
Thanks. Great info
do you guys enjoy when everyone you like are together in the same room? like in your birthday for example? I get so anxious, I need to think how to act with my friends from school, my friends from college, my parents, my boyfriend, and when everyone is in the same place I freak out, thinking “how am I supposed to act now?”
This is super helpful. I have ADHD and past trauma which basically set me up with a huge overlap with autistic symptomology regarding sensory issues and social anxiety, but when you gave the example of being able to generalize social interactions vs having a social "algorithm" it really helped me realize the key differences between me and my auDHD boyfriend when it comes to our types of social anxiety!
On the topic of the extraversion - introversion continuum, as a measurable personality trait it is not about people only, they are just another stimulus. The cause for the differences between "introverts" and "extroverts" is the speed at which certain brain waves activity occurs. The higher the speed, the more internal stimuli the person has. This abundance of internal stimuli comparaed to the avearage means that for introvert people there is not as much need for external stimuli in order to reach an optimum. It also means that people who rate higher on introversion reach their threshold of excess stimuli, when the brain has no more capacity to process and thus will start prioritising or ignoring, sooner than people who rate low on introversion. Unlike them, people high on extraversion have lower rates of brain wave activity produced by their own brain, so to reach the optimum they seek out external stimuli. A stimulus can be anything, a person, a place, a sound, food... Loud music and lots of people at a party is more likely to be what a person with high extraversion needs to reach their optimum, while a music lover introvert might be fine playing loud music in their headphones during a walk trhough the city, but adding more stimuli to that equation will be too much for them. It's all about balance. Also, people are very complex stimuli and not the same depending on degree of relationship and perception, so people with social anxiety will get much more stimulated from people, just as if someone had a fear of trees and they decided to go to a forest, but would be perfectly well in plain field with flowers.
Do you have a source for this? I want to learn more, but I haven't been able to find much on introversion and extroversion relating with brain waves (like how does it correlate with ambiverts and so on). I'd love to go down the rabbit hole if I get some material to start with.
@@stardomsHere are a few articles on the matter. If you would like to search more, this research is based on Eysenck's arousal hypothesis and the correlation between resting brain activity and personality traits.
Jawinski, P., Markett, S., Sander, C., Huang, J., Ulke, C., Hegerl, U., & Hensch, T. (2021). The big five personality traits and brain arousal in the resting state. Brain sciences, 11(10), 1272.
Wei, L., Duan, X., Zheng, C., Wang, S., Gao, Q., Zhang, Z., ... & Chen, H. (2014). Specific frequency bands of amplitude low‐frequency oscillation encodes personality. Human brain mapping, 35(1), 331-339.
Knyazev, G. G., Slobodskaya, H. R., Safronova, M. V., Sorokin, O. V., Goodman, R., & Wilson, G. D. (2003). Personality, psychopathology and brain oscillations. Personality and individual differences, 35(6), 1331-1349.
Pang, Y., Cui, Q., Duan, X., Chen, H., Zeng, L., Zhang, Z., ... & Chen, H. (2017). Extraversion modulates functional connectivity hubs of resting‐state brain networks. Journal of neuropsychology, 11(3), 347-361.
It's so interesting to see different traits even in toddlers. I've always been shy and a kid who liked to be left alone, then there are those kids who easily talk to strangers and seek affection
I'm in the process of figuring out whether I'm actually autistic or not and one of the things that made me questio' it a lot is that when I don't know how to act I just copy how others in a similar situation as the one I am (like hierarchically and also if they're also not really close to the person they talk to) act with the specific person, like if I see X and they're as close to Y as me basically I will act like X all the way instead of being myself because I don't know how to be myself
Thank goodness your making content
I work with kids and one of the things I do is make show they’re growing at a good speed if not see if they might have autism recently going through a check list with one of the kids I realized I check in some of the cartera to have autism and it’s crazy that I look into it everyday and at 22 I learn I probably have it.
The need to connect and feeling chronically alone, but still dreading socializing really hits home... add to that the feeling of guit for not forcing myself to spend time with the peeople I love.
I’m autistic and introverted and want to be around others but….I don’t do it 95% of the time. I get all kinds of ideas and usually can’t do it. All my friends I ever had forced their friendship on me….thank god. I would have no one if they didn’t. I’m social with alcohol though.
I bet all your ideas made you fun to be around and your friends probably loved it..seems you don't believe they did