let's explore the abstract idea of how being Autistic is inherently linked to Ego Death
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- Опубликовано: 8 июн 2024
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Timestamps:
Intro 00:00-03:06
Magic Mind 03:07-05:13
What is Ego Death? 05:14-06:02
Negative impacts of no Ego 06:03-07:05
Ego Death in childhood 07:06-09:27
Fear of being perceived 12:48-13:42
Painfully self-aware 13:43-15:23
Links to masking 15:24-15:56
Links to BPD 15:57-16:52
Being perceived accurately 16:53-17:43
Part of survival 17:44-20:13
Scapegoating 20:14-21:50
Questioning your reality 21:51-21:41
Positive effects 21:42-30:14
Closing thoughts 30:15-33:00
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I'm in Australia so I can't get it shipped here but it sounds great! I love matcha, it's a really "clean" kind of boost and doesn't give me the jitters or crash like coffee does but I hate the mess I make every morning preparing it. A grab and go option is awesome 🍵
I have some matcha tea but no idea how to prepare it. How much powder to use? Hot, cold, I have no clue
@@recoveringsoul755 Traditionally it's drunk hot with just water. I like mine iced with milk.
I use a little sifter to sift about a quarter or a third of a teaspoon of powder into a glass, pour on about an inch of hot but not boiling water, whisk it until it's dissolved, add a big handful of ice, then top off with milk (I like almond) and some vanilla stevia.
Because matcha very finely ground green tea leaves it mixes differently with water than instant coffee. Dissolved was the best word I could think of for whisking it, but it actually only half dissolves and half suspends itself in the water. If I let the glass sit for a while before drinking it needs another stir to disperse the portion of powder that settles.
I think that's why it's traditionally sifted first. It can be hard to get the tiny lumps out otherwise.
But another good option if I CBF or don't have sifters and whisks handy, is to just put the matcha powder, hot water and ice into a jar or shaker and shake the HECK out of it 🫨 Then add milk etc. The ice does a pretty decent job at getting the lumps out while it's getting shaken up.
Sometimes I also just put it in the shaker with my greens powder in the morning.
Beware that spoon for spoon matcha is a LOT stronger (in both caffeine and taste) than instant coffee. A third of a teaspoon is a good strong mix.
Also like coffee, some matchas are much nicer than others. I've tried some horrendously bitter ones that were undrinkable to me even with milk and sweetener and also some super smooth delicious ones. It's hard to describe the taste other than "green".
I hope you enjoy ☺️
@@Alice_Walker oh I used too much. Thank you I'll try again with much smaller amount
I was constantly told and mocked as a little girl in things for just wanting to be near my mom. Or hearing how I was a burden as a baby b/c I cried every night & didn’t sleep.
And still it brings me to tears at 44yrs old.
I love what you said about how autistic people are like mirrors to other people. I've thought this about autistic people for such a long time! I think we mirror back to people what they don't like about themselves. I've triggered so many people without even realising and I've felt completely baffled as it's never been my intention to insult or offend anyone.
Idk, this is questionable.
@@blairsantillanaright
'Malkavian'
Idk technically anyone can trigger someone by reminding them of themselves. I'm not sure it's specifically linked to autism but it's something I can't speak of personally.
Like when pointing out flaws in what they see as rational
I had so many times as a child getting in trouble for pointing out how adults around me acted counter to what they said or saying things countering what they themselves said earlier
Before watching I just wanted to validate that in ancient India, the neurodivergent spectrum was recognized as a "holy" affliction. The neurotypical heterosexual is considered the average working person. People who didn't fit into that narrow box were given other roles in life befitting their unique specialties. Often times they were put in the Brahmin caste as neurodivergent brains tend to also have spiritual ability capacity. Giving them the jobs to hyperfocus on art, medicine, music, celebrations, organization etc.
Being taught we are an instrument of the heavens who are not bound to the shackles of the neurotypical standard was one of the best aspects of the utilitarian caste system.
Overtime greedy people realized that this equitable system wouldn't lavish their needs so they amended the system so certain families maintained power rather than relying on raising children to follow their hearts
So you end up with modern india in the Kali Yuga, so far from the paradise it used to be just like humans polluting and pillaging the planet that created them.
This. Varna system was never meant to be based on birth. Thanks for educating people on this
I often suspected Ramana Maharshi as being on the spectrum.
Interesting.
I remember once hearing that a young person having a meltdown in the west, was actually recognized as someone going through a spiritual transformation in other cultures. And with the proper support and training, they could thrive.
I wish I could remember the details, but maybe it was India
I don't think this is right. In ancient india they had casts and people weren't allowed to change castes. If you were an average working person you couldn't become a Brahman, you had to be born one.
My Chinese father said, and I quote, “I need to destroy your self esteem”. I think my lack of ego (fakeness) makes him feel uncomfortable because it challenges his own need to maintain a facade, and thus by not being able to agitate any responses or insecurities from me, he has increased his abuse as a projective function of his own neurotypical narcissism. The moral I draw from this is that the less ego one has, the more people will ironically accuse you of being arrogant, because a cohort of neurotypicals are so pathologically fake, they cannot visualize the possibility that someone acting confidently is not a personal attack on them, and thus seek to destroy, even their own children, before they believe they will get destroyed.
100% this! My father and I are both accused of being arrogant (by my mother!) She doesn't realize we are humble, just comfortable with who we are. She's insecure, and so our confidence makes her own insecurity apparent to her
Seems like you’ve attached an ego to having no ego
BEAUTIFULLY SAID!!! I have noticed that too!!! The more comfortable you are with yourself and the more your ego dies, very egotistical people work hard to destroy your self worth while projecting and saying that it is YOU working to destroy theirs! You're just minding your own business though!!!Most humans disgust me because of this hypocrisy.
@@robertwalters3882And why do you feel the need to say that? Where was the ego in his comment? You seem like a person that is desperate for everyone else to have an ego to justify your own ego. You put ego where their is none so that you can feel superior. Stay in your own lane. Nice try though.
im A chinese born in germany And it was very hard for me. im not diagnosed professionally but i felt everything you and the girl from the clip said.
growing up non of my friends stayed and i always felt like a visitor.thanks alot for sharing
I'm somebody who can't mask to save their life, but sometimes can appear almost normal every once in a while. What always astonishes me is how there's such a cultural trend around here of celebrating and demanding "authenticity", but everybody seems to prefer than I had a mask on. It's so draining when what people tell me they need from me, is rarely what they actually seem to need. On a micro-level it's like the emotional labor of helping everybody manage their perceptions, and nobody meeting me halfway to understand mine.
Fully agree. People constantly tell me to be myself and that they value authenticitt, but when I dig a little deeper, I find that they already have an image in their heads of what my "authentic" self is actually like and will punish me if I refuse to conform to those standards.
A lot of these people who "value authenticity" have a very narrow view of what authentic behavior can actually look like and aren't willing to accept that.
"I love honest people!" mfs when autistics un-mask around them.
They only like people to be authentic bc they fear they are being lied to or deceived; what they really want is people to cater to their perceptions to feel validated themselves.
@LilChuunosuke I've been going through this again recently and its been so frustrating that I stopped hanging around them for the time being. I've considered blocking them all but I have disproportionate emotional reactions to a lot of things so I'm trying to be balanced but I don't feel like actually see me so I don't really see the point in being around them but I also don't have anyone else.
Figuring out that neurotypicals mean: "be entertaining" when they say "be authentic" was helpful.
You made me realize that I masked most heavily when I wanted people to see the good intentions and morals I had. As an autistic person with flat affect/"resting b*tch face" and a lot of social difficulties, people always tended to assume I'm cold or heartless. When in reality, I have hyperempathy so strong I could hardly bear it. I just wanted people to see my good intentions reflected outwardly as well. But unfortunately that hardly ever worked, no matter how hard I masked. And I obliterated my sense of self and fell into traps of abuse for nothing.
same here
i relate so heavily to this ...
Really relate to this. I empathize and feel so deeply for others that I burn out. I also have a stoic “flat” face, I feel like an alien to my peers. Not to steal the wind from this comment with my own rambling, but I wonder if I will ever be at peace with who I am, knowing that the world doesn’t understand those like me.
I went through the same thing, still dealing with it, now just choose to accept if someone wants to see me as a person with bad intentions, even though I feel like I feel everyone's emotions but mine....
and then those very same people that point the finger saying, "you are so cold!" then treat you so cold even though you're actually not, it's a double-standard 🤦♀
“We mask in order to be perceived accurately, but in order to be perceived accurately, we have to become as inaccurate to ourselves as possible.” -Just straight up brilliant and insightful. It broke my brain (in a good way) for a second lol. Bit of a revelation. Sorry if that sounds a little over dramatic, I’m undiagnosed and in my late 30s, and just now beginning to seek out answers and assistance for myself for the first time, so a lot of what I’m learning does hit with an extra impact. This channel is a service and a blessing for those of us who were swallowed by the cracks of society early on, still trying to catch up. Thanks so much
100% same experience and also revelatory
This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I think that it's possible to partially mask without going insane. I kind of see it in the same category as posture and hygiene.
When I have bad posture/hygiene, my physical health suffers. When I mask too much, my mental health suffers. When I don't mask enough, my social health suffers.
For instance, relaxing my brow and tightening my cheeks is easier than trying to "smile" all the time, even though it's functionally the same thing. I don't try to stop myself from stimming anymore, but I try to figure out alternative methods that are less distracting to others while still being satisfying for me. Hell, even just changing up my wardrobe/aesthetic has been really helpful (as someone who used to not really think about clothes or fashion).
i’ve been thinking recently, that neurodivergent folks also tend to be really good at detecting bullshit. i think because we tend to have a strong sense of justice, we’re more sensitive to things that seem “unfair”, and are therefore less likely to put up with bullshit right off the bat. i think this contributes to the ego death effect we have on others quite a bit lol.
Absolutely. I found this with new hires at an old job, I read them like a book.
I would know immediately what type of person/worker they would be and comment as such. Too many times I was written off as a reactionary only to have confirmation of others 6 months later "oh wow, you were right"
There is a bit of irony there when you think about it. However it's not a "super" power, it can be exhausting. Like Irene mentions, it makes you question your reality having to defend your position ad nauseam, either internally or externally.
I have an absolute bulletproof bs detector. I fathoms me how other pps around me buying into other pps bs, must be doing it on purpose to safe some lying ass face
@@CerealKiller187 Strangely while I have trouble reading the people I know, work was less difficult or any situation where I’m in a large group of people and watching people. I think when I’m more involved and less an observer, my systems overload. But I’ve had the same experience at work.
I once had a boss look at me and without me saying a word about what the potential hire had said that was so obviously objectionable, he just told me that the guy really didn’t mean that. Yes, he did. Then, when the guy blew a gasket over something my boss told me to do for him when I warned the boss that he should give the guy a head’s up first, he didn’t agree, and the guy blew a gasket and said he was going to get me fired. I told the boss that (I was the boss’s unofficial right-hand “man” and was much respected in my place a work despite being seen as weird) and he said that I was hard to get used to. So, I figured if the guy succeeded in getting me fired, then my boss deserved it. About six months later the guy showed his ass toward me (not literally) at a dinner full of colleagues and consultants that I knew respected me (but he didn’t know and he thought the humorous story that one of them was telling about me was an opening) and he tried to pass it off as humor. I handled it well. Anyone with half a brain knew what he was doing. The next day I was alone with the boss on the way to the airport when he told me he heard what had happened the night before and that the guy had started to treat him like he could get him fired (the boss owned the business-a private subsidiary of a private holding company that I put in place for him legally), and he let me know that as soon as he could find his replacement, the guy would be fired. I didn’t utter a word not even a “I told you so.”
How?
Is it weird that I'm not autistic and yet I relate to this?
"How many times have you guys been in spaces where you only have one friend who's in the main group, but they only really pay attention to you or hang out with you when it's just you two and no one else is around to see it?" My God that's insightful,. I hadn't even noticed to consider that. That realization hurt.
Omg that hit me too! I was 12, in grade six, and my best friend said to me, “I can only be your friend in class and after school. I can’t hang with you at lunch or recess because the others won’t like me.” I just stupidly thought that was fine and acceptable and happily went along with it.
Now, it makes 49 year old me just feel completely heartbroken and sad. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 40 but even before I knew something was ‘wrong’ with me.
I'm realizing that a lot of my classmates in primary school that we thought of as weird/obnoxious/eccentric could've just been autistic. And I feel heartbroken for having participated in their outcast.
There's this one kid I remember, Mohamed, who was fascinated by dinosaurs, obsessed even. But he was so smart, much more than anyone else in the class. He was a walking encyclopedia. When we had oral presentations, he would be so passionate about his subject (usually dinosaurs), everyone would be completely captivated. But he used his hands a lot when he was talking. And he spoke loud and fast and would spit up a storm. He'd talk about the most random things to people who didn't really care and would talk for long times. So he was pushed aside. Not many friends, nobody wanted to sit next to him. Me neither. Classmates would exchange glances and chuckle behind his back when he would start on another rant. Looking back 14 years later, I hope that kid is doing great things, and I hope silly 8 year old children didn't kill his passions. I hope he found someone to listen to him speak passionately, and I hope he still loves dinosaurs.
I'm sorry, Momo. We'll teach our kids better.
@@ss.waaaaw 💕 sending you love and best wishes. Thank you for this reply. It makes a difference. 💕
I call it being a lastie, or an un-groupable friend. They might hang out with you as last resort or come to you when they can't be with a large crowd themselves either, maybe to vent a bit of have a more relaxing time. You try to not take it personally too much over time.
I've had experiences where people have been obsessed with and relied on me as a therapist and sole confidant and told me secrets they'd never told anyone else, but at the end of the day, upholding other social obligations was more important than spending time with me despite them seeming most happy and authentic when doing so. Eventually spending less and less time with me because they needed to pour more energy into making people who barely knew and liked them mildly entertained, or because those people were the types of people they were "supposed to" hang out with. This happened about 4 major times before I got sick of it and wised up. I'm now happily married to another very likely autistic person who was nothing but openly and publicly enthusiastic about me since the moment we met, and vice versa.
in high school it was a constant thing...individuals showing understanding alone...then turning their back on me in larger groups. I had no security. they were so unpredictable. and so I just did everything myself, alone. also intensely stressful.
I lost my best friend from elementary school (I only had two, really) this way. I'd briefly moved away during middle school, we wrote to each other like every week...then, we we actually had a high school class together, she ignored me for the new, cooler people. I was really hurt, and didn't really make an effort to invite her over again, hoping that she'd reach out and apologize, but she never did. It was pretty devastating.
BUT fortunately it was a bigger school, and I found a new and better friend group at the "weird kid" table (mostly science olympiad and theater nerds). People who won't admit to being your friend in front of people they think are better aren't worth being friends with in the first place.
I totally relate to that and im sorry....@@emilymoran9152
i’m 26 and can relate to this so bad!! Its impacted me in my adulthood because I kept my feelings to myself when people turned on me in their larger groups. I could never understand why, and I would ask them why they were acting different, but could never get a solid answer. I am breaking free from internalizing this and turning cold as a result of being treated this way. Its made me treat genuine people coldly bc I had a skewed view of people as if no one was genuine. So insane how our internalizations of things can make us see the world differently if we let it. I let it, and I will no longer allow my mind to function this way. surely.
this was me since childhood, i'm just real asf and a great friend but not social or popular enough to want to be seen with. it hurt as a child, now as an adult i just drift away when i feel my friendship isn't valued, or feels one sided. it no longer hurts my feelings, i've just become numb to being thrown under the bus, avoiding people like this (almost everyone is like this though LMAO) is just the norm for me now. take me or leave me, don't drag me along without committing the way i will. i can't convince myself into being as shallow as those people, it's not right, i'm just not built like that i guess lol.
exactly. thrown under the bus in social situation at school, in large groups. but best friends in 1 on 1's. you can only be thrown under the bus so many times. @@aeong_bread
Thank you Irene. I am 75 years old and for most of my life I've felt like I never quite fit in the social life around me. In terms of what you call "Ego-death", I came to the realization that I am already dead. I've always felt alone, not connecting with others, invisible. By the time I started my last job, (20 years employed), I didn't take mental possession of my office or any of the equipment in it. In retirement I became aware that I don't "own" any of the possessions I've collected over my entire lifetime and because of that I don't care about how they will be disposed of after my death. I only recently became aware that I am autistic and it is very difficult to look back over my life and am beginning to see the why and how I've done things. This video is a very powerful message to me and wakes me up to the need to re-incorporate my ego, (my genuine self), back into my life in order to make sure my descendants are provided for.
I hope you find healing in your journey back to yourself, take time to start up old hobbies and keep going through frustrations, you've got this ❤
🖤
Very good is step-taking! You can correct me if I’m wrong, but I think at that point you might have already been very alienated and was in the ~non-positive~ side of the acceptance phase. If so, I am sorry you had to live through that phase feeling alone. Thank you for holding out & not becoming closed off to the present opportunity reclaim yourself & I genuinely hope you reach a point where you feel peace. 🕊️
You are valid, you are seen here and thank you for being open about your experiences. Being connected to yourself can be a sensory nightmare I feel like for me, being clumsy and injured a lot made me think of my physical self as a place of discomfort that is better left out of my thoughts. If that makes sense. As I sit in bath water or move my body with intention like in Yoga I feel that mind body connection strengthens. Enjoying food or sensory experiences is another good one, like rubbing your feet on something super soft, sinking into a deep pillow, petting an animal are also connection points I’ve observed. I hope this helps ❤
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry it took so long for you to find answers, but I'm glad you're here now. ❤ I hope you find your true self and thrive.
Is anyone blown away by how articulate, intelligent, insightful and just so lovely and caring so many ND creators are, and so sad that just amazing people are misunderstood, invalidated and feel unaccepted by society. Society is missing out on so much by not making an effort to understand such beautiful people
If her ego death idea was true, you wouldn't feel unaccepted. Or rather, you would relate to feeling unaccepted in the exact same way as to feeling accepted. The idea that there's something to miss out on or the idea/feeling that one experience is better than the other is all ego
Fully agree with the last sentence. After all, people only care about their needs/what is relevant to them.
@@NJ-wb1cz I disagree. Ego death is a step towards acceptance not the final solution. One ego death is not the answer, many people go through the process multiple times and work through layers before getting any true understanding and acceptance.
Life is a complex and ongoing process of understanding the self, it is not a simple one step solution.
@@gillb9222 you aren't referencing ego death then. There are no "layers" in ego death, you're really equally fine existing and not existing, having friends and not having friends, everyone you know dying and not dying. Everything just feels equally fine because there's really no ego to tell what's better and what's worse than anything. People express it in countless ways, maybe they say they "found Jesus" or whatever
People can go through it repeatedly because obviously they are very likely to regain ego afterwards
What she's calling "ego death" seems to be a form of people pleasing and social conformance which are very much driven by ego. What you seem to be calling ego death is going against butthurt or something like finding a way to get over yourself in some situation? I'm not sure
@@NJ-wb1cz I think we are talking about the same thing but I think that you probably know more about the mechanics than I do. When I was talking about having it happen repeatedly I think it is what you were saying about regaining ego afterwards.
It is interesting that this has come up so a subject because, after a few difficult years, you descrption seems to be where I am which is really interesting. I need to do some more study around the subject. Thank you so much for a very interesting comment
YOU NAILED THE REASON I DON'T DO THERAPY. I tried it and quit pretty quickly. My best friend (at the time) was so disapproving, and I literally told her that they weren't saying anything I didn't already know. Why would I pay someone to tell me things I'm fully aware of?
Also, yes, that "friend" definitely alienated me when other people were around who had issues with me. She said that she advocated for me, but I don't know if she did. I was having A LOT of meltdowns back then. Not a fun time
Ah yes I also remember the entire 5 months of therapy and also when I invite my parents over to address the issue it just became sour... So much to do with therapy but not really helping
The way I got around the therapy thing is to just get myself psychology resources, books and self-study courses from trained professionals. It made a world of difference. I don't have to deal with someone's weird opinions about me but I still get to benefit from therapy and knowledge of self
I agree with this as an autistic person. I feel like that’s why it’s hard for me to get along with certain people. I’ve noticed that people I rarely get along with are also people who are very insecure, but hide it by being egotistical. These people can’t stand being shown their flaws, they get angry. I find that these people are often individuals who have never faced any problems in their life that have forced them to evaluate themselves, their morality or that causes them to have a different perspective
Everything they say is the truth. Everyone else is wrong. Every “correction” is an attack towards them. Every interaction is an act to make themselves look better. They can’t stand people who are content with themselves because they’re able to accept they’re not perfect and that’s something they can’t do because of their ego
I try not to take it personally, I just avoid people like this. I know who I am and it’s sad that they are too afraid to find out who they are. If someone can’t acknowledge they are flawed or are wrong sometimes, I don’t want to be around someone like that anyways
Bro, that’s kinda my dad right now, lol… I don’t get along with him well because of how you feel in the reasons you mentioned. I can see the patterns & errors that could be so easily avoided based on learning & it’s kinda perplexing how they just won’t change. I just know it takes a heavy hand to reset that kind of ego to a humbler state so I foolishly worry for him. I get how confusing that whole setup is, but I also know you can’t control other people.
I have experience this and I agree with you and I try and do the same
Yeah aka a lot of women (especially other millennials and gen x and boomers) have this exact issue. I only tolerate them if I have to otherwise I could care less if they liked me. I tell myself if they liked me then it makes me a shitty person since they are already shitty. Good to ignore and withdraw ur time with them. They’ll find out the hard way if they don’t stop that toxic mindset
Nobody can get along with people like that, to be fair. They're not really the type of person that's designed to be personable or interested in having actual real relationships with people, they're just living in a constant state of defense and fear. Narcissists aren't meant to be easy to get along with lol
Wow. This is how I had seen that too upon only certain individuals. 😮
The other thing about not being told anything new in therapy is how it can make you feel insane. I’ve researched and analysed my situation and applied every possible solution for coping and it still doesn’t work. Having those things affirmed like “you’re doing the right thing” and “you’re on the right track” just make me feel completely lost. Because I know they’re supposed to help but the don’t.
I can relate to that. I have been driven almost insane from this sort of thing in the past (not just from therapists). I’m nearly 55 and have spent my whole life searching for answers and analysing the crap out of myself because I’ve had to since no one else has been up to the job and ability to access proper therapy has been scarce. I know I was never and am not insane, it is just that there is a huge insurpassable gulf between Autistic understanding and the bog standard brain.
Apologies if youre not religious...but in my case the few break throughs i had were through prayer. I talk to God about my troubles. Ask His help and then I have insights and my anxiety calms down. Still have difficult moments off course, but they have a meaning now. Therapy is very difficult for me...because like you im a fixer and i tried many coping mechanisms. I always feel fake and empty with those.
I remember having a therapist who was very helpful for about a year, but then when I got into college I was really struggling in new social situations. I’d had the same tight-knit friend group for years and I realize now that I was suddenly masking a lot more. I remember trying to articulate to my therapist how I felt like I was always doing the wrong thing, and she was confused and basically like “no, I think you’re doing a great job!” And I remember having this realization that she wasn’t going to be able to help me anymore because I was doing everything “right” but I still felt like shit.
@@myconfusedmerriment That sounds like a typical case of where they read more into what you say rather than just listen and take it literally and give you the credit that you know what you’re talking about.
@@tracik1277im only formally diagnosed with adhd but this is one of those things that makes me question if I’m also autistic. my best friend is the first person close to me to have realized communication between us is exactly as you describe and the first to also try to modify his own behavior instead of expecting me to do all of it. it was really helpful when he explained his perception of it because I hadn’t fully realized exactly why it’s been a chronic issue. we’re still kinda figuring out a balance/boundaries but for the most i feel like I can be more myself without masking because I’m not as worried about being accidentally offensive. I think it’s helped my friend become a little less reactionary and judgey and more patient and overall I think he feels less anxiety as well, like less on guard. I wish it was easier to get to this point with others
There's a Dutch autistic author called Vera Helleman who says that autistic people oftentimes lack "self-reference" as she calls it. I do really recognize your story especially the part of seeing so many perspectives and trying to take that all into account. It's so stressful to put so much pressure on ourselves, and it's even more devastating when despite all our efforts we are still being misunderstood. I'd say after years of practicing this I've actually become an expert on communication skills, and most people just suck at that. The best way is to realize we all have different perspectives and respect that, to be understanding or curious to understand, instead of fighting over opinions or views. I remember one of the most painful things I've ever had is having someone I care deeply about tell me I don't care about them and that I'm selfish. And then get rejected for that.
Thank you for sharing. I haven't heard of her (Dutch myself), so I'll be sure to check her and her book out. If you don't mind me asking: have you ever felt like despite your curiosity and willingness to learn, you were making the same mistakes over and over again? I ask this because your current outlook sounds freeing, but for me it seems like I just can't seem to grasp what I'm suppose to do or say. If it get's explained to me after the fact I might understand the other perspective, but I'm not able to apply it to a next/different situation somehow. I'm curious to know if and how you've navigated that 😊
@@Mar10la Well, I have been working a lot on setting boundaries and realising who I am, what I need and what my values are as a person. For example I can not tolerate my friends yelling and acting out at me. They will have to communicate properly about their feelings, needs and what their values are and what they expect of me. The mistake I'm actually making is thinking I am the one doing something bad when a friend starts yelling at me and therefore me making the same mistake again. I just realised in this particular case I did not actually make any mistake. I used the right wordings to openly talk about my feelings and concerns, and the other person started yelling at me without asking any questions because they thought I was accusing them of something, which I really wasn't. So the mistake I actually made many times in my life is choosing the wrong friends for me, letting people walk all over me and acting like my feelings don't matter. I think I will make this mistake again in the future, but not as much as before. It's both a blessing and a curse. It makes us very loyal and good friends, but for the people who don't see that, we tend to put that love and energy into the wrong people. I don't think we should be judgemental or anything, but more like realising that some people are just not fit for us. I love to prevent people from getting angry or upset with me, but we shouldn't sacrifice ourselves for that. Realising this has made me sad because the friendships I thought I had and the letting go I had to do is really sad. But I did it for my own happiness. And I hope with the right friends next time around I'll be able to speak up and be met with value and understanding. Or at the very least not with anger. One time I met a new friend, who would come to me and calmly explain their issues to me, and when I tried to conform to those issues I felt bad, because I suddenly had to treat other people differently than I normally would to make this friend feel comfortable and it felt wrong to me. So I told them that I tried, but that it wasn't authentic for me to act in that way. It also felt like I had to take care of their feelings towards other people, while that shouldn't be my responsibility. So we decided to meet 1 on 1 from now on, because they felt really uncomfortable in the group setting this was taking place in. So that's how we resolved this issue peacefully. ^^
@cosmolosys thanks for sharing :) at the end of last year I had something quite similar happen to me ( ended up going into hermit mode without realizing it and became super withdrawn, didn’t really talk to my best friend/roommate for a couple months as I was emotionally caught up in a family situation…it got to the point where we sat down and had a really long talk about our relationship before cutting things off, and one of the most surprising things that she said was that she thought that i had suddenly hated her and purposely disregarded her feelings. i had felt like the opposite was true, but i just didn’t want her to feel attached to the bs i was experiencing (my thought process towards sharing with people lol i know it’s bad) and just ended up making it worse. still at a loss with how to move forward after i let one of the most important people in my life at the time feel this way abt their relationship with me. this seems to be a pattern, how do you move on from this i’m tired of feeling so conflicted and stuck abt my relationships.
@@hyllb I actually tend to overshare instead of shutting out people from my life(issues). I'm also tired of worrying about my relationships.. Focusing on nice things, yourself and nice people who are present in your life is how to get over it eventually, but it will pop up in your mind from time to time, but the frequency of it will eventually slowly decrease over the years... but if there's still a way to fix things, talk, apologize, and letting people know you want to be friends and spend time together, communication is the only way. It can be scary to communicate but if it's otherwise lost anyways, what have you got to lose? I feel like if I haven't done everything in my power to try and make things right or clear as day, I could never get over it until I tried and tried and tried. So my only option is to try and communicate. But that's really frustrating to do with a person who tries to keep you away from their life(issues) and doesn't actually want to talk or confide in you, you're right that often makes things worse 😅 What to do? I'd say, with the right people, the good friends, always try to be an open book and completely honest. And remember, sharing your life issues isn't bothering a friend, it is confiding in them, confirming trust and closeness.
@@hyllbi’m literally going thru this rn. my gf of 2 years broke up with me and she told me she hasnt felt any love from me for a few months when i was just trying my hardest to put on a smile for her. i didn’t want to include her in the mental turmoil and then when i did… well. it was a lose/lose situation
This is so eloquently spoken. A couple years back when I realized I didn't identify with the term "woman", I came to realize I didn't identify with any gendered term (except maybe agender). What I did find interesting was people's perception of my gender, like the pronouns people used for me felt more like a read into them then myself. This discussion really resonated with me, thank you for the amazing work
Wow, I completely relate to this.
thats so fucking real
All the tension created lately on this topic gives people on the spectrum a huge amount of social anxiety, myself included. IRL it isn't really a read into the other person. It's literally your reflection because that's all they can see, until you explicitly express otherwise. What is actually telling is using an anon account and seeing what gender is attributed to you just based on what you say or how you say it. That's deep. That's a read into the other person.
I feel that so much. Everytime someone using feminine terms for me or she/her I almost want to look at them and be like interesting you think I am a girl/woman 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Well, she has a misconception of ego death and misrepresents it, but she does it eloquently. Her main premise that people pleasing and not knowing who you are are ego death is just wrong. Ego death for a people pleaser would include not really caring about people pleasing anymore from the inside, and it's not connected to any suffering of not knowing who you are. That suffering is the suffering of ego. From the point of view of ego death, it doesn't really matter if you know who your are or not, all of it is equal life
Never felt so seen by someone before. I've had it in my head since I was a kid that I was a "chameleon" because I seemingly had a different personality for every individual or situation. Really, I just have no clue "how to be" inherently, so I simply mirror other people around me in the moment. This absolutely leads to emotional suffering... Re: having no idea who I am as a person, what/who/how I want to be in this world. At age 28 I also feel like a burden nor do I have any helpful or eye-opening guidance. Everyone advises me from the wrong angles - completely misinterpreting what I need and me, unable to articulate what I need or want.
I bounce between "I am a crazy person and I can't do anything and don't belong anywhere" and "I am the only sane one" depending on my confidence level of the day. It really is hell. I truly believe that if society was orchestrated mainly by autistics across the spectrum, we could be living in a gentle, quiet, considerate, colorful, beautiful, FREE world that is the antithesis of what human society is today.
This. ❤🎉
Try meditation and look into buddhism
My therapist literally called me a social chameleon as a positive the other day like no. U put it into words perfectly
Wow - you say it as if the same text is printed on the inside of each of our brains
@@madallas_mons Never prescribe religious views. It's supposed to be a individuals personal choice lest it be invalid. Perhaps suggest they pick up something they can ask all the questions they want like a type of philosophy.
Responding to minute 25: as a person whose learned to hold space for multiple peoples perspectives is including my own, it does allow me to feel self-love. However, instead of self hatred I feel more saddened by the disconnect, lonely, and sometimes angry that others can’t see my point of view yet I’m the one who suffers for it. Still, I think I’m worthy of love even if it’s only my own.
right now im in one of those eras of my life where I have to accept that I can't fit into other's lifestyles no matter how much id love to purely because of how differently my mind and body works and Im not gonna lie its had me in a super dark place. your video has helped me reframe it in a way that helps me feel less alone. thank you.
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I NEEDED this video today. The past couple of weeks I have really been going through it. Every single social interaction I've had, I've come out on the other side feeling like I messed up/miscommunicated/unintentionally hurt the other person's feelings. All because I've been going through the process of unmasking, and sometimes that results in people having negative reactions to how I act when I'm not masking as much. Being monotone, not controlling my facial features, asking the questions I really want to ask. When close friends/coworkers started having negative reactions to me in that state, it made me start thinking... do these people like ME really, or just the mask I've been presenting up to this point? And who am I? Now in social situations I can't help but see the entire thing through the other person's perspective, and fully understand why they have the reactions they do. I can't blame them. Their confusion/agitation to me acting differently than they're used to is understandable. AND the pain their reactions cause me is valid. The real struggle is finding the balance and understanding that both are true at the same time.
Same, nobody said how hard it would be to start embracing what people call weird.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has had problems with therapists. I’ve been in and out of therapy all my life and I have always felt like I’ve been humouring them. Making them feel good because I didn’t want to be “difficult”. I always felt like I needed a therapists therapist, like maybe they would have something new to say. It truely is a lonely experience realising that no one else, not even a professional has anything new to add.
I think I can learn from almost everyone I meet. If I try.
@Lilycat5 If you're paying for therapy, for professional advice because you are struggling, to then have to do the additional work to make the rote responses you get "helpful" is too much to ask. Like great for you that you have that ability, but saying that in response to this comment is pretty invalidating. When you are paying someone for THEM to help you, you having to do all the work and still pay for it and not receive anything inherently new or valuable is frustrating af. If you have tips on HOW to make this experience helpful, do share. Otherwise you're just patting yourself on the back while OP is being vulnerable about a valid struggle.
Wholeheartedly agree. Therapy hasn't been at all helpful for me because I am so self aware and psychology and self help have been a special interest for nearly 30 years now. It would be nice to be able to externally process my CPTSD from being late diagnosed, but for now it's just not an option. At least I have developed skills to manage on my own, but it's not the same as feeling seen and understood. Totally get your struggles. It's very lonely.
@@evergreenforestwitch Good point. I would not pay for a therapist who couldn't teach me anything. Sometimes you have to try a fair number of therapists before you find a decent one.
But OP said no one has anything new to add. That seems unlikely to me. I don't understand it.
@@Catlily5 Idk where you live nut in the US, paying to go to therapist after therapist and getting no tangible results at any of them, which has been my experience, is not tenable. I have had the exact same experience as OP. Again, good for you that you have had another experience, it does not make either my or OP's experience invalid. I'm sure therapists exist who can be helpful, that does not mean in any capacity that I or OP ha e access to them.
I think something incredibly scary is how much I have actually gaslit myself to the extend where I only now start working on unlearning what I've been telling myself. Unlearning what I've been telling myself my whole life sounds impossible to me rn. Like Ik it is possible but it is so exhausting and it is so hard to actually talk about this.
it is absolutely possible and hey, starting and recognizing is the biggest step really. then you hope everything will fall into place with some more reflecting and self-learning. have faith in the process. most importantly, have faith in yourSELF. while unlearning, there is still so much we have to offer with rediscovering our unique qualities that have been buried underneath all the societal norms and expectations placed upon us. make it one of your biggest life goals/purposes to self-dig and you’ll find yourself working at it little by little each day.
Absolutely understand you. Despite doing my own therapy for over 10 years now, I've only realised I'm constantly gaslighting myself within the last year.
Gaslighting yourself means removing yourself from reality, withdrawing into being preoccupied by the voice in your head, which is basically dissociation. Especially if you're already prone to dissociating as a coping mechanism. What personally helped (amongst many other small coping tools) was realising that the second I hear a gaslighting comment in my brain, I no longer perceive reality as it is. Therefore, in that moment, I immediately practice mindfulness by solely focusing on stimming or some physical input - just try to shut the thought process down and keep myself anchored in reality. Pretty hard to do with CPTSD as well, but not impossible with motivation. Very hard as you're going through it. Can't understate how worth it it is.
Over time it is possible to learn to recognise the 'delusion' of gaslighting, and it is also a transferrable skill - it helps to get rid of other delusions too, meaning you will be able to recognise when you think of something in a way that is not representative of reality. This is the ability to hold the multiple truths that Irene is talking about, I think.
I hope that your journey will lead you to a point when you are not controlled by the gaslighting. It is definitely allowed to be compassionate to yourself.
I can really relate to that. The random amount times an issue from the past that is already resolved comes back and gaslights me. Situations where it happens currently and messing up tends to also bring back it. It's pretty scary but I'm glad to hear people with the same issues having solutions to make it less of a problem and being back on track.
@alexmizak7063 thank you for your wise advice. I'm very grateful to you for sharing your insight. I am trying to reprogram that process right now and wasn't sure what to do.
The concept of ego death being tied to autism is fascinating and makes me wonder if it correlates to the general "you are where you need to be" vibes my 🍄 experiences gave me.
I am a 29yrs Autistic M that was diagnosed after I spent 5 years in the military. The trauma is unspeakable and has had detrimental effects in my life. This video made me feel a little bit more peaceful and it hit home so deeply I started to cry and hard stim throughout. Wow.
I was in the Marine corps for 4 years, and trust me.. I feel undiagnosed. The stuff I went through was rough and left me Damaged mentally and physically. Disabled vet too. I feel lost in the sauce honestly as a 30 year old
I'm in a similar position. I've found that I can't accept that I could simultaneously be so competent and self reliant yet also make such basic errors and need special accommodations. I hope you find the peace you're looking for.
On ego deaths...they have been numerous and Ive had to "re-invent" myself many times. It got to the point that I was so confused on who I was that after a very toxic experience, I shut myself "in house" to try and discover me. I have a lifetime draw to spirituality and these past years since I stepped into my "cave" have been hard but ....also peaceful as Ive not had the pressure to have to pretend anymore as theres no one around to keep up with. Hence Im now following my Soul without having to try doing a different version of me. Obviously I cannot stay this way, but, hopefully I can make myself strong enough to not to have to create yet another part of me.
That’s the way
The most heartbreaking and defeating situations I've ever been in because of this is that I was scapegoat-ed and completely turned on by a very close group of friends who were all on the ADHD and Austism spectrum. Like, I thought I was supposed to be safe in that kind of environment--I felt at home, and it was a whole other level of cruelty to be treated that way by people like you. Why can you all make space for each other, but not for me?
because theyre larping and youre the real deal?
Something similar happened to me fairly recently, I'm sorry you've had to deal with it too.
Sometimes autism overlap a little bit with sociopathic behavior, because some people might struggle with having empathy for other people
I think something I've realised recently is that that kind of group bullying is something people do to bond with each other and autistic people may not necessarily be immune to that. But if they're immature enough to do it, it's for sure a shitty experience but I hope no great loss in the long term ❤
This resonated with me. I was apart of an online group of neurodiverse individuals two years ago that gave me a feeling of “I finally found a place to belong”, but I fell out of favor just a quickly as I gained it. It was heartbreaking and I’ve been spending these past two years recovering. I know I did things that weren’t okay and it’s fair to expect to take accountability for that. I guess i figured I wouldn’t struggle to be understood, to be believed, when trying to do so. The words “this is a safe space” started to sound like a lie, but I was convinced that I was being unreasonable for feeling so terrible when I had done wrong to someone else.
Going to therapy feels like the therapist is the meme kid who goes "did you ever have a dream that, you that, you did, you, you, you did, you did that, what did, that you, you that, that you want them to do you so bad you'd do anything?!" And then he looks so satisfied.
The therapist is like "have you ever, stick with me here, ever considered to, are you ready? To LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF??????!" And im left going.... Uh duh? Next step plz. And with 80% of my therapists over the years, they have no next step. Maybe they recommend some book from the 70s or 80s.
Later I realized I wasn't neurotypical so ofc the "regular" advice was ill fitting but it really caused me to spiral for a few years thinking I must just be some unique freak of nature over here that can't communicate anything about my internal experience at all even though 99% of my time is devoted to trying to introspect and understand myself.
Most of them are basically just plain violent and delusional about their own mental state of being satanists.
I’ve never realized that “you don’t feel safe in other people’s perception of you” is exactly how I feel. I also used to imagine all the bad things people thought of me and say “I hate myself” in awkward situations, aka times my mask slipped. I still do a mental run through of my ‘mistakes’ after social interactions. I think that’s one of my anxieties around a online presence. I don’t feel safe enough to make mistakes on social media, one because most comment sections aren’t as thoughtful as this one, and two I don’t think I want my in person acquaintances to perceive my online persona.
I have a book that really helped me make peace with this, ‘As We Have Always Done’. by sharing Indigenous insights it gave me a new, additional framework to understand the world and myself with. No description will ever do it justice, it’s by amazing author Leanne Betasamosake Simpson.
((psychedelics too?? just me?))
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Irene, you struck me to my core discussing the "Self-Awareness of Autistic people". I always get told I'm very self-aware or kind of like I'm solving my own issues.
Even my fitness coach told me this and it's like thank you I know that but I'm looking for answers 😭😭😭
It's so frustrating because it feels like I am talking to a brick wall no matter what.
This is so interesting to me. When I was a kid, and I would often have these moments come out of nowhere where I suddenly couldn’t comprehend the fact that I was just one solitary human being with one solitary identity. I would, without any warning or reason, feel this sense of connection and integration with everything, and would become overwhelmed at how ridiculous it seemed that I would always be stuck in just *my* own one perspective and couldn’t somehow access and be a part of some sort of greater consciousness. It was always exhilarating but came with a sense of grief that I was so limited, that I could never go beyond my own mind and experience. It’s the sort of thing I’ve only ever heard other people describe in regards to psychedelic drug experiences (often using terms like “ego death”) but for some reason I was inexplicably reaching this state of consciousness regularly when I was just 3-10 years old. It still happens maybe every few years now? And it’s not as intense or long-lasting as it ever was when I was kid, it’ll just pass in a matter of seconds. It’s never happened in connection to meditation or anything like that either, it’s always just when I’m doing something else or am on autopilot.
Leave your body sometime.....
I have felt at one with everything a couple of times in my life. Without drugs. But it didn't last long.
their are pathways to abilities some consider un-natural....@@Catlily5
as an autistic I also started having these thoughts from around 3-4 and i still do now x_x
Strangely I think I've felt the same or similar kind of thing when I was young as far back as I could remember. I never knew how to exactly describe it and until now never heard of anyone else describing anything like this either.
This resonated with me so much, especially the part about the social alienation. It feels like structural gaslighting, how society will tell us we're wrong or crazy, rather than confront the cognitive dissonance that our existence exposes
...I'm sad now. thanks.
@@DjDoxastic that's fair 😅 I was feeling a lot of isolation when I wrote that. If you want to hear something a bit more hopeful, I recently reconnected with an old friend(/crush) after 8 years apart, and one of the first things she told me is that she recently got her autism diagnosis. I'm self-diagnosed, and one of the things that helped us get closer was talking about our experiences being autistic and bonding over how similar our 'flavors' of AuDHD are. We started dating, and found out we were both crushing on each other all those years, but weren't unmasked/self-aware enough to communicate that. She's now one of my biggest sources of love and joy in my life, and it's very freeing to have someone I love who thinks and communicates the same way I do 💜 Because of our shared neurotype, we're better able to love each other the way we want to be loved. It's proof to me that connection, community, and validation are possible for us autists, and I hope all of us are able to find that and build that both within our own community and in the wider world. Sorry if this is a lot, but I just wanted to share some happy to balance the sad ✌️
This literally brought me to tears, I couldn't explain into words what I have been feeling throughout most of my life. Doctors and therapists said depression and anxiety, but it is NOT what I feel 100%. Its way bigger than those two words combined, and the way you described peoples' perceptions of yourself was perfect, along with multiple ego deaths.
i really relate to how you said that when we mess up socially it impacts our ego. that impacted my self esteem so much growing up to the point i thought i was dumb. felt so isolating too. and yes i despised myself for messing up so much!
that goes for everyone, allistics and autistics
I’m 45 y/o woman, undiagnosed but come from a family of with multiple autistic individuals.
This video is the first time I felt seen.
Tears were shed. Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
You’ve helped me understand a bit of the reason why I go through phases of interacting with the world vs complete shutdown. All of the times just before a shutdown were definitely ego challenging, they didn’t just challenge my self image, but my future plans for myself. They threw me into such a state of shock and panic that the safest option was to retreat into self isolation to avoid being perceived, and desperately try to figure out who I was and what I was doing from the safety of my bedroom. I’m 25 now with no savings, no job and one friend. And this is because I find it so difficult to put effort in for someone I don’t fully know or trust (me) and the past has shown me that if I set myself up, I’ll have higher to fall. I feel so embarrassed blurting all this out on the internet but this feels like a safe space. I’m incredibly grateful people like me have people like you who hold your hand out and help us through 🖤
Damn cuz I’m literally in the same boat! I’m 25, full of passion and creativity but with no money, no savings, no friendships that make me feel alive all because of burnout. I’ve been jumping from job to job in my adulthood while I watch my peers really building their careers.
@@alylopez3721 I’m so sorry you’re in the same boat. The only advice I can offer is to unlearn comparing yourself to others. I know naturally almost everybody does it a little bit, but I think us neurodiverse peeps get particularly good at it as we learn to mask, and it’s just that extra kick in the gut we really don’t need when we reach this point. The second my mind starts wandering to what my high school peers have achieved I have to remind myself that I have my own limitations, and I will achieve what I can when I am able. I’m not able to right now, and I owe it to myself to access the help I do need, not shame myself for “failing” in a neurotypical society.
@@alylopez3721 also I just realised you didn’t ask for advice so I’m sorry for lumping that on you but I’m gonna leave it there if you do want to read it.
This is exactly what I’m going through 🤍
Oh my god I'm so glad someone is talking about this. I relate SO HARD to what you said about being self-aware to the point of harm, and being forced to see yourself from other people's perspectives all the time, even when their perceptions are almost always wrong.
I didn't expect this video to upset me when I was about to click on it, but my god this just hits home so hard. Everything you say. I think this video actually underlines the reason so many autistic people unalive themselves really well. It's incredibly heartbreaking but I do think most of us can relate to everything you talk about here.
Thank you for this. Im 63, female, diagnosed at age 52. Life has been horrendous and this is the most clear explanation of what we have to deal with. Needless to say Ive been single 20 years apart from short lived toxic dating so Ive now been in self imposed solitariness since 2021 after experiencing what I thought was a real relationship that got more and more abusive over its 2 year span. We do suffer at the hands of Neurotypicals and its so hard to navigate life in their world.
Ive been through a similar situation. Im 34 and gave up dating alltogether. Its an additional stressor i dont need. Religion in my case is one of my special interests and im considering the monastic life once my health stabilizes. Ive been on sick leave with a painful auto immune disease. I reframed many things in life. I hope you reach peace. Thats what im trying to find.
I'm someone who feels very strongly about conflict resolution and i like solving social issues. I've been guilty of giving unsolicited advice or openly drawing conclusions that may be insensitive. If course i never know until someone tells me later and i have to go apologize to a person i didn't realize I'd offended.
Same with me.
My supervisor was telling me about his life at home…
How his wife kept bitching at him about taking the trash out. I tried to tell him, “well if she’s calling you at work… maybe it a a cry for help?” As she stays home with the children. Maybe she’s struggling, he is too, since he has to work so much.
And then I was criticized for giving that feedback. Why talk to me about it? Just to vent? I understand that…. I just don’t know when to give advice and not when too.
I’ve been criticized for this so much. When someone tells me something bad about their lives I want to help.
@@ScarryGargoyle I think most people feel better if others emphathise or sympathise ( sorry English isn't my first language ). Best to only give advice if you are directly asked to give advice. If unsure, ask if you can give some advice first.
I agree, I enjoyed conflict resolution for the longest time and helping people. I learned better to ask, "Do you want comfort, listening, or solutions?" It helps. If that person is offended by that question, there's nothing you are going to be able to say/do to make the interaction better.
@@danika9411 I appreciate this
@@MairesMama , thanks for showing me a way too navigate this .
You hit the mark on this! I've been explaining to my partner that I feel like I'm constantly going through an ego death. It doesn't help that I also have PMDD, which legit makes me feel like I'm at my wits end. Everytime I get knocked down I have to remind myself that there will be an end and I'll feel okay but then the social consequences of being autistic in an allistic society pushes me further back. My goals and aspirations have been greatly impacted by burnout and dysregulation that they are starting to seem impossible to achieve
Omg I'm so happy your said that because I have PMDD and Autism too and I'm trying to find ways lessen Pmdd, I'm about to ask my doctor though I'm afraid of being put on medication which I'm not sure is pricey or not. Anything helping you?
Oh yes, PMDD. I too described it as a monthly ego death. I went to a naturopath and found great relief but it can be so expensive. For my PMDD sufferers out there, don't underestimate the power of over the counter supplements like magnesium glycinate and evening primrose oil. Ashwaganda and black cohosh are great but should be used as advised by a physician
the part about the friend who shares the same sentiments and is more open to us when alone, but turns their back on us when the group is around. that one hit me. I had a friend open up to me recently when we went to an event alone together. But all that feels like it didn't happen because they act like no conversation or confession was shared between us. It feels so jarring and betraying.
Simply put: “there is no place for me here.” 😶
Less-simply put: Undiagnosed, in my 30’s (f). A life of masking and (lots of internalized autism/unrecognized melties - I just never knew). A lifetime of struggle to convince the non-neurospicy of “normalcy”, but completely gaslit any time I try to be honest about how I’m struggling, now that I’m learning to recognize aspects… (aka asking for damn help/trying to explain to someone why I’m having such a hard time with x, or didn’t “get it”). I spent my teen years trying to unknowingly escape “uncanny valley”, simply trying to make friends well enough to make it through. While I wasn’t overplaying anything and just trying my best to fit in and have a “normal” school/friend experience - unless that received pushback, I spent the rest of the time trying to convince “my friends” that I wasn’t “a poser”. I was bullied a lot, by “friends”… over this. Even my family will not recognize or accept it when I attempt to verbalize any aspect of what I’ve taught myself to internalize, for survival sake. Then, it’s just another battle to the bottom of “who had it worse”… Completely missing the point. I also naturally have a very flat affect, which is constantly perceived as grumpy, bitchy and negative. It’s freaking exhausting. I’m at an impasse, there is simply no winning.
I suppose this is why I have lived mostly as somewhat of a “lone wolf”… Nobody to have to convince of anything… What an existence. Aside from that, I truly feel as though I have lost myself. I even left my social media circles years ago so that I didn’t really have a digital footprint to think about. I am wrong if I’m truthful, but what’s right about being a facsimile for other people’s perception of “normal me”? How is it that you believe you know me better than I do, yet you won’t accept me at my most honest? (at risk to self)
This was a tough one for me… Really spot on, Irene. ❤ I would love to hear more on related topics. Feels like we exist in this void, yet we’re expected to perform like circus freaks, simply to reach “average”. While I’m quite aware that there are definitely people out there struggling with worse things in life, it’s hard when all roads lead back to simply being “wrong”, no matter what. Due to all that pushback, self-confidence is a *massive* problem, especially now in adulthood. But now… you have nobody left to advocate for you or be in your corner. Just accept that you’re invalid. I am still trying to find some sort of joy in the little things… but that’s essentially a pocket full of lint and pennies. The world only gets worse when you focus on the bigger picture again.
Sorry for dropping a novel here… The green really suits you, by the way. You look lovely, and thank you for this thought-provoking video. 🤗✨
Your comment is so well put together! It articulates so much of what I wanted to say and how I feel. I was unable to formulate anything cohesive, just fragmented stuff and kind of all over the place. Really glad to have found what you wrote. I feel my mind’s a little more organized after having someone relay the words I similarly hoped to convey. Many thanks ❤
Ha ha, don’t apologize! When’s the next book coming out? 👏🏾😊
I can definitely relate. There have been few days that I've actually wanted to be on this planet; it's just so hard, and I constantly feel either completely broken or like a total alien. At best, I feel completely neutral about being here, just merely existing and trying to stay afloat, and other days I'm just so done and can't function in this world any more. My whole existence has felt like a mistake/burden/wrong. Nobody helped me growing up, and I'm just now (at almost age 30) discovering that I'm autistic--it explains so much, but I don't know who I'm supposed to be any more or how to take care of myself in a world that doesn't accept me or allow me to have different needs.
Fluctuating between feeling neutral/staying afloat and being done/can’t function 👏👏 No real help, more like sabotage.
Sorry bout the fragmentation…can’t get my brain working fully 😅
Please keep going. I care about you. I know that you are worthy and important. Don’t give up! You are loved! ❤
@@yikes268 I appreciate you. It's truly sad that I get more love from others online than in the real world. Just treated like a burden or taken advantage of. It's hard to function and just stay afloat; I'm just so burned out but have to keep "powering through" due to financial reasons. I barely make anything as it is. Struggle with sleeping, too. Just so drained and overwhelmed with the world
@@bubbiccino No worries. It can be tricky to get words out. Since I can appear "normal" (at least sort of) out in the world, I'm constantly told that I know how to communicate/how I'm feeling. It's so hard to put things into words and identify precisely how I'm feeling, especially verbally and when put on the spot. I've had plenty of people write off what I say when I do manage to communicate something or they'll use it against me. People don't believe that I'm struggling because it doesn't look like I'm struggling from the surface; I'm constantly on the struggle bus, though, furiously trying to stay afloat but rarely having enough energy to do so. I've had people snap at me that I can't be autistic because I'm not officially diagnosed (and will be turning 31 next month). It's just so hard to manage much of anything in this world when people don't understand you and you don't have the support you need. It's like chucking a fish into the air and telling it to fly like a bird. What works for most/other people, just doesn't work for me, no matter how desperately I try or want it to
@@jessicac6189 indeed! Perhaps it’s in part ego death/something akin to it, part alexithymia, and part delayed processing. I’ve found that I struggle more with identifying my emotions since social integration (by masking) into society. Being prompted just leaves both sides frustrated as I cannot put together a response, and they cannot receive a response.
It feels like there’s no safe time or space to just be myself. There’s no method that works for my circumstances either, so despite my desperation to find a solution and seeking answers from others, it’s always a dead end. Either the anxiety and stress deter sleep or I’m numb and fighting dissociation because it can’t be afforded to me when I need to stay afloat financially.
It’s incredibly isolating when everything YOU do is somehow wrong, but others get by so easily doing basically the same. Still wracking my brain over this whenever I’m not out of it 😑
I have complex trauma on top of autism and I clicked on your video right away. I feel like throughout my life I've snuffed out whatever sense of self I have and "recalibration" is exactly the word I'd use. I've recalibrated myself for everything and everyone else and used dissociative coping mechanisms to appear the way I think people want me to. I have a fractured identity. I feel completely unsafe, unstable, and utterly alone with nothing to tether me to this world. Your video makes complete sense to me and it's the first time I've heard these thoughts articulated outside of my own head.
That sounds terrifying, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing that. Do you have anyone in your life to lean on or talk with? I see you said you feel utterly alone with nothing to tether you, so I hope that question didn’t come off badly. I just know we can feel alone despite having good support or at least I have. I completely empathize with everything you said except I’ve never been diagnosed, only recently was told by a friend that they think I’m autistic but high functioning. Did you or do you carry around a sense of shame from feeling ‘fake’ but not feeling like you have a whole lot of control of how you act around people and instead feeling like you get switched onto an autopilot script and once they’re gone only then can you realize how you really felt towards them or what they said? If you don’t have anyone to share this with, I’m not sure how you’ve gotten this far with my perspective of your self knowledge and ability to articulate all this about yourself, if you don’t mind sharing I’d love to hear how you’ve come to this point. I hope you can incorporate my admiration for you into your healing process. To share a bit about mine, once I was able to realize what I had been doing my entire life due to my traumatic upbringing and what truly happened to me, I completely became destabilized to the point of almost needing hospitalization from this sense of ego death. I only made it through due to my support network and sheer determination. To do all of that alone, I can’t imagine. The vulnerability, the confusion, the detethering with nothing to grasp to, I’d only have to hope whoever was around was compassionate and sensitive enough to understand and help me get through it. I’d love to hear more from you if you’d like to share, it’d be nice to speak with you
Yeah, "reeecalibrating" is literally emotional labour and not only the not developingf proper ego is bad but like, no one was eve rmeant to do emotional laboutr all the time, its hella traumatizing, always,
Magic mushrooms is the way
@@maggies7370 Hey I just saw your comment. A lot of what you are saying I resonate with, the faking, the autopilot, the inability to process my feelings in the moment, the vulnerability, the confusion, especially the period of complete destabilization; I feel I'm just starting to come out of that period. I'm able to share snippets of my experience here and there with some people but few have been able to offer more than a listening ear. It really is the sheer determination to scramble for answers and ways to stabilize myself better that is getting me through. I have some theories of how my brain works and have now established a bit stability in my life to allow me to keep going despite the dissociative symptoms. My therapist at the time wasn't even able to help me with the stabilizing part because I feel what I needed was/is a support network to provide reassurance and emotionally stabilizing interactions. I don't think I was truly alone but I also didn't have anyone I could count on. It's very interesting how your descriptions of your experience align with mine and I'd love to speak with you more about this as well.
I almost cried when you talked about therapy like... yes, I've been going to therapy for years and it has done nothing for me. Everything my therapist says I already know or have already thought of and it's hopeless, because I don't know who else to ask for help when I need, if even my therapist gaslights me sometimes saying that "everyone has similar problems" and "lots of people are lonely/feel the same as you" or even "your communication difficulties are not because you're autistic"
Just like everything else in our world, therapy was created by and for neurotypicals.
I know that if I want to not be completely cast out of society I have to keep masking. That girl from the tiktok said everything... I turned into an adult and realized I have way bigger support needs that I thought I did previously and I can't stand pretending I don't.I can't stand masking anymore, but I can't stand being isolated when I act like my true self... You literally have to kill your real self in order to keep existing.
It's crazy how I completely changed when I turned into an adult, and now I feel so dependent, childish and incapable, even though I was seem as mature and adult as a child...I know I have some trauma and other mental issues combined but still... It's suffocating.
Thank you for the video
Your English is exceedingly clear and while we may never meet IRL -
I say lovingly:
You are not alone.
My deepest wishes for your pervasive wellness - for your true self to thrive and connect with worthy, understanding others.
Much love,
Nick
Did your therapist tell you why they think it's not autism causing communication difficulties?
@@NickFields4 thank you so much
@@hayuseen6683 To be very honest, I have no idea and I'm still confused by it, I didn't question her because I'm terrified lol...
But I was telling her about having a hard time talking to my parents and that I couldn't be closer to them, and I emphasized that a lot of it came from not being able to communicate outside my special interests and she just said "but that doesn't have anything to do with you being autistic"
So yeah I'm not sure what she meant.
@@makialksounds like she didn't have much of an idea what autism really is... I had dismissive therapists too.. it's so disheartening. The only therapeutic modalities that have helped me more recently are Voice Dialogue and Internal Family Systems.
I swear you are prophetic...I've been in a week long meltdown trying to figure out why the hell its so hard to communicate with people, why I can't keep long term relationships, and why I'm currently stressing over a roommate situation. I have to be sooo intentional about not internalizing disagreements or miscommunications as moral failures on my part. I still feel so ungrounded and lost as an autistic adult--I can't even begin to describe everything you unearthed for me with this video
I saw Morgans video about autistic burnout and it spoke such deep volumes because that's exactly what I'm going through right now. It's so difficult to just look fine from the outside but to actually constantly hate yourself and feel like you wish you didn't have the struggles you have.
could I ask, Morgan who?
The tiktok in the middle talking about burnout in relation to self view. I related to that quite a bit.
@avalbaneesplanade5122 sorry roughly 11 minutes in.
@@avalbaneesplanade5122I’m at the start of the video, but I’m assuming Morgan Foley. I follow her on Instagram.
Try meditation
I think the deep discomfort I have being perceived is part of why lockdown was some of the most mentally healthy time in my life, in part because wearing a mask felt like I had a larger ability to control people’s perception of me
This is why I think it's so important for autistic people to find community among other autistic people. It's okay if it's online if it gives you fulfillment in your life. You need a place where you can be yourself and express yourself. If neurotypical people can seek out other neurotypicals to make friends with and fit in with, then we should be able to seek out our own kind as well. I've found community through fandom. I created a space on discord where I could connect with a small pool of other fans, and through sharing our passions, we've grown very close and it's really become a special place. A lot of us are neurodivergent, and having similar struggles helps us all feel validated. We can talk about our passions and our struggles alike. It's really important to talk to people who can truly understand you and the way you think, and especially people who think the way you do. You learn to love yourself through other people loving you.
This video really hit me today, thank you for making this. It gave me a lot of comfort.
My therapist has really been working on making me realize just how unsustainably high-masking I am and she's been encouraging me to connect with my authentic self because I am so disconnected from my own needs and personality. It's been so painful to be so vulnerable because it's made me really realize how hard I've made it for myself to exist in any space, there is so much shame, critique, and meta-analysis in every single thing I do. I couldn't hear the meta-analysis until my therapist pointed it out and now that I can, I feel even more alone and betrayed by the world.
I've already had two breakdowns today because in my new job I'm so burnt out, it feels like I've been failing every social interaction because I don't know the right way to exist. I've been shunned from nearly every friend group I've had because at some point I became burnt out and couldn't mask anymore. I only have 2 close friends which I am so grateful for but even with them I am masking, I am only ever myself with my mom. My mom's eventual death terrifies so deeply because I feel like once she is gone there is no one else, she will take me with her.
I feel like I am always finding things that I like about other people and trying to latch onto those things as a part of myself
I used to do that too.
Im not even through the whole video, but I started crying. The therapy thing. How im sooooooo self awarrrreeeeeeee. Never getting helpful information I haven't encountered from therapists and the constant disappointment from trying to get help
You have gorgeous hair! If I unmasked, people would see that I am pessimistic, nihilistic, cold hearted, and anti-life (life is a tragedy). Not many people can tolerate the distressful feelings that arise in themself from being around someone who has really been ringed through life. I have learned that people respond to me, not because of me, but because of the emotions that come up within them, from what I say or do.
This is EXACTLY what I’ve needed to hear about today and about the past month as I am coming to the realization that I am in severe autistic burnout and will not come out of it until I start setting and holding some pretty firm boundaries. THANK YOU for talking about this!
Honestly, the last bit about people not taking empathy and understanding as "enough" but they want you to agree with them. I lost so many friends over that. And I cannot help but feel like I did all I can to hear them out and be genuine around them, thinking they would be receptive of what I have to say.
I kinda feel like this is a different ego death than from what I usually hear how this word is used. This term from what I heard and also experience is a psychedelic experience from dmt, lsd, shrooms, or even salvia. And it’s a very strong uncomfortable feeling. The closest I got to ego death was by getting really high by some dealers weed. And it was not just a loss of who I was but I felt a sinking sensation like I was coming to a literal end as in death hence the name ego death. Shit sucked like hell and I thought I was gonna be stuck like that. But luckily like all highs it went away…. Eventually.
Yeah, except that experience is not the "death," it's what it feels like to hang on and not go through it.
This video is *incredible*. Not only is it interesting and relatable, it is genuinely the first time I have seen this expressed this way. I have wanted to find the right words for it for so long and you really nailed it. I even relate to yours and your partner's relationship dynamic as described here, as well as the specific example you gave about saying yes but not necessarily agreeing.
I fall into the trap of agreeing much more than I'd like to, or saying something a bit ambiguous like "yeah," while knowing that will be interpreted as agreement. I struggle to have simple disagreements with people - not because I can't or don't want to talk about it, but because it almost always turns into a conflict because people tie so much of their identity being right or agreed with/seen. I relate to the struggle of letting people know that *I do see* what they mean and see the impact it has, but still don't agree.
I have also had to learn to fight the urge to correct people, even on trivial things, for that exact reason.
It is so isolating to be the only one in the room with extra information, or a different opinion, or seeing a pattern, and not being able to point any of it out because it would cause conflict or cause people to have their feelings hurt.
At the same time as holding all of that back, simultaneously dealing with being misunderstood and misinterpreted, my tone being taken a certain way, the words I use being "wrong" - you're so right to say it's exhausting and wears away at your sense of self. I have literally been going through an identity crisis and going back and forth between validating and gaslighting myself. I'm trying to get back to a place of knowing who I am and that I can trust my experiences, but that shit is *traumatic*
I would love to see the part two, going into the things we're often told to do that may not be so helpful.
I have looked into resources for R-OCD and Autism and how to phrase my feelings correctly and so many other things, but nothing ever seems to break the cycle. I just want to feel like myself again
Relate 👏👏
Somehow we all need to find each other so we don’t have to be alone 😑 I don’t know how to deal with this. It’s exhausting to accommodate yet not be accommodated.
@bubbiccino Right? I wish each city had groups for us, ran by people like us who know that struggle. I would love to have like book clubs, art classes, group exercises, nature walks, all those kinda of things with everything being voluntary, meaning no one has to participate if they don't want to
Thank you for addressing the scapegoating that is done to autistic people. It's such a painful experience so I admire your courage for doing so. It will help a lot of people. You are not alone, we are a community and at last we are speaking up and finding each other. Sending you love and blessings.
Fitting in was never my thing. I could see how groupthink affected others poorly. I had enough awareness to not become like the group or a copy of a copy. I was more comfortable knowing who I was when everyone else was trying to be someone else. I remember in grade school how I didn't want to play with the other kids at recess during the school's fall festival. The guidance counselor came out on the field and gave me an ultimatum: either I play like the rest of them or I go home early.
I didn't want to leave school, I wasn't being disobedient, I just didn't want to play. To make the situation worse, the guidance counselor said once she goes down the blow-up slide, she would call my parents to pick me up. I cried for two reasons: knowing I was misunderstood and knowing that I was expected to fit in. This took place in the early 2000s at a Catholic school. The lack of tolerance and empathy towards me was a shock to my religious learning as well. Needless to say, I felt betrayed, confused, and lonely.
This was when I got comfortable with being alone, austere, and above all, authentic.
Teachers are sadists aren't they? The way children are treated is awful!
This was fantastic. I think the alienation and constant mistakes not only happens to autistic people but also other kinds of mental differences or illness. That's also part of the reason why I worried I might be crazy or a narcissist or something because of how often I upset other people accidentally
Crazy does not know how to not be crazy (on their own at least). And a narcissist (actual diagnosis) doesn't care if they are and wouldn't be worried about being one. They are a ironic mix of only self aware enough to know they are flawed but cannot perceive themselves truthfully outside themselves. And are hellbent on lying to the world to fake it till they make it (and woe on anyone who tells them the truth about themselves).
I'm diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder (social PHOBIA!!!! 😅), but I completely and especially understand the FEAR OF BEING PERCEIVED. Scopophobia on 1,000. I'm really realizing how much it goes beyond being seen, but also heard (not just voice; but the sounds from performing any action that would indicate that I exist, I'm present in a certain location, and now I'm broadcasting some type of sonar imagery that at least gives clues to the manner in which I may be existing in that moment 😂😅😵💫😖), and also others perceiving how much time I may have spent in a certain room or location and worrying about their expectations, assumptions, or judgements of me for that.
Also, I've felt too self-aware for therapy. -- My anxiety is still very severe and I acutely panic a lot or feel very dizzy; BUT overall my self-concept is still a lot better than it used to be, through my self-work and spirituality.
Heart-energy hug to you Irene and anyone else going through this 💚
I had no idea this was in your awareness.....spiritual deaths are exceptional difficult oftentimes. I struggled continuously throughout life. It was helpful to make connection with my spirit guides....after that happened, i never felt alone. I still struggle, but with their support I am finally healing. You have summed this up perfectly. This needs to be included, acknowledged, integrated into autism therapies. I traded places with a spider when i was six. I learned how afraid of us they truly are. and then i proceeded to try to understand other peoples perceptions of me. it was exhausting... finally had a nervous breakdown when i was 52.
I had a “friend” who did the exact thing you mentioned in the scapegoat section. She would be the best friend alone but around others would completely ignore me and admitted that she did this. Friendships have always been extremely hard for me and no matter what I do people put me in the scapegoat box. I’ve only known a few people who truly except my flat affect and need for alone time without making me feel unusual for it.
At nearly 23, I have finally reached the point where I have successfully reintegrated my ego and sense of self back into my life. It took years of self hatred, suffering, and exclusion, but here we are.
I sometimes laugh at people who wish to go back to high school. As someone who had to fight just to get this far, why the hell would I want to go back? Although even in this, I was still luckier than many. I was surrounded by enough neurodivergent people throughout my time growing up that I was able to always have my own little group of outcasts.
And now that I’m graduating from college, it feels like I can finally start my life. But don’t get me wrong, I’m prepared to immediately trip over myself and learn even more brutal lessons along the way. But that’s life unfortunately.
Thank you for this video, this was like a therapy session I didn’t realize I needed. I would like to add though that despite obliterating my ego many times in my life, I’ve reached a point where I can feel the different egos (masks?) fluttering beneath the surface waiting to present themselves as needed.
Great video! I'm 43 and have gone through countless ego deaths related to my autism. I even spent a good portion of my life writing books of systems to help people understand each other's perspectives, something I was doing a bunch for my parents when I was very young. But it never occurred to me until now that I wrote all that stuff because I'm autistic and just needed validation of my perspective, haha. So thanks for that! Also, I didn't realize until this video how much I was constantly punished by my parents who really just weren't understanding me. All in all I'm happy with the path I've travelled because I can now enjoy a great deal of self-realization
i don’t know if i’m autistic but this all is something i’ve been really thinking about recently in my own life and it feels so good to know that i’m not the only one. love the video thank you
You probably are. I know…I don’t know. But all I can say is…I’ve wondered for over 20 years and finally shelled the 2k out wondering if I was wasting thousands to be told “you just got some anxiety”….and no question to the lady at all that I was on the spectrum. She said “you hide it well…I didn’t know when we shook hands immediately “. So…I have a theory that no one but someone autistic would sit around and wonder for a long time if they were autistic
@@pistachiosandpopcorn7146no dont put labels on people you dont know
Probably talk to autist circles, orcommenters lol.
And if you look at signs, either have a good rtrusted person that isnt aftaid to be brutal honest with you, if you check that
And/or if you have stories of yourself as child that might help
If you check have at least a person who knows you personally well that isnt afraid to be bbrutally honest about that, and not too polite to not say it, if you ask them.
You really should check that as early as possoible, like its neve rtoo late, but the earlier, the more you can be aware what you can do to make life motre accomodating, and know that you werent crazy, and that, its just bette rknowing early to deal with possible problems, wit hbetter solutions.
Cause there qre tips to go less hard against your needs if you are aware.
Currently on Christmas vacation, and suddenly a bout of pure depression just hit me when I was out walking in my hometown. I just can't be here without all the lonliness and despair I felt earlier in life inevitably resurfacing. I feel fortunate now to have great people around me; I've got multiple social arenas where I now live, and I'm still close with my friends from high school. These people are getting married and starting families now, and I guess that's where some of my depression stems from -- just the fact that we'll never be together like we used to anymore. I kept thinking about all the times we've hung out at the mall together and realizing that those days are ultimately over. I'm fine with our friendships changing as we pursue different paths in life, and I think we all have known all along that I was never cut out to live that traditional small-town family life that my friends now are pursuing. Yet, despite our differences, these are all people with whom I truly resonate; they've been one of, if not THE, most secure support system I've had throughout the years, even when we haven't lived closed to each other. Of course I wish my friends all well... but I am the kind of person who really depend on having close platonic connections. I'm years single at this point, and even if I were to get into a new relationship, I don't want to over prioritize that in favor of my close friendships -- yet, that's the norm here in the South, and another reason why I could never move back here.
As mentioned, I have lots of social connections and friends where I live now... and I don't feel like masking gets the better of me anymore. Sure, in some situations it does, but I inherently feel that the people who require me to mask and modify myself aren't ever going to get beyond the level of being basic acquaintances to me; I ultimately would not want them to be anything more. My struggle is often that I feel "a bit one the outside of" every community or group I give a try. I've mostly come to accept it by now, but it leads me to wonder occasionally if there are people out there I could truly resonate with like I did my friends in the south.
This year has been filled with academic stress (finished my MA degree this spring), bad finances, general anxiety and uncertainty regarding my future, etc. Not to mention having been ill more than I've been in good shape since late summer... so suffice it to say the cards just haven't really been in my favor. I still feel like I've attempted to make the best of my situation; I've definitely challeged myself on multiple fronts, and in many ways it has paid of. I keep reminding myself that I haven't met all the people even in the city I currently reside, and that there are good chances that there are still plenty of people out there would could become part of my social circle in some way or another. How I feel now is not how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life.
You absolutely hit the nail on the head for me. Everything you said, I resonated with at my core. Especially the being perceived part and the self-aware part. It feels like I am finally being understood for the first time in my life. So, thank you for this, truly thank you. I also feel like I am now on my "reintroducing my ego stage", where I am starting to understand that other people's perceptions of me should not impact myself awareness but instead realize that all perceptions seem to stem from their perspective on life. Like if somebody has a negative perception of me, it is not due to me, but rather their past trauma/current understanding of the world and their place in it. It's like I have finally found myself in Waldo after searching for that lunatic for YEARS. That lunatic is me, I'm shy, I'm awkward, I'm a nerd, but those aren't negative traits that society claims them to be. I'm finally finding my younger self in all of those cringe memories I revisit every night and instead of cringing at my mistakes, I sit with him, laugh with him, and enjoy his socially awkward quarks. IDK how it truly happened, but showing myself love instead of self-hate and connecting with my inner child has really helped me to truly accept things for what they were and what they are today, from my past traumas to my future triumphs.
Honestly this is 100% accurate for me, absolutely. I've been the scapegoat all my life everywhere I go. And I agree and identify with everything you said in this video.
It is really hard to live in this world but I always choose to be loyal to myself no matter what, i think this is the most important thing cuz we need to find safety in ourselves and trust our perceptions of the world and of people
This is the most relatable video from your channel.
I don’t think i can keep going for much longer. Literally what is the point? Living, working a job, existing anywhere is daily torture
THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE THIS
I was struggling with that exact thing this morning. I was feeling really defeated by life so I turned to my internet therapist (Google) to find advice that might work for me. Low and behold searching "feeling defeated by life" turned up article after article about how my blaming everyone else for my mistakes was the problem, and that when something goes wrong it is only my fault.
As a recovering doormat that sent me on a while new spiral.
I am so, so happy I'm not the only one who feels they've experienced multiple ego deaths throughout life.
I don't think the process completed at first (that's when you feel that oneness and connection; it began as a terrifying nothingness to me that I avoided for years). Took a while, but once it happened? Man..
The beauty. ♡
Now, I'm majoring in Ayurveda Wellness & Integrative Health, future aspirations towards Transpersonal Psychology. There's such sacred truth many who don't have this sort of experience in life can miss. I believe I'm here to remind those who desire reminding. ☆
As are you! ♡
I'm grateful to be on this journey with you. Been looking for something like that productivity shot! Thank you so much, Irene~☆
I don't know if I'm on that spectrum but I definitely relate to all of these points, I've always thought of myself as slower than everyone else at work but one I've researched and understood a concept well, my performance would snowball basically start slow but outpace most eventually. It's just that I get torn apart by my peers and prevented from continuing certain things due to my failure of messing up the first time, rereading, feeling immensely anxious with that looming sense that I know I'll mess up and my self esteem will shatter because i may not be given a second opportunity
22:20 this whole section!!! I was in a workplace during covid where i liked everyone but one person because she was a bully. One friend i made at work had issues communicating with her frequently, but she became friends with the bully along with several other coworkers who knew her behavior. I felt crazy being the only person willing to escalate the issues to management, but everyone just turned a blind eye to it. I wish i had left that workplace sooner because it made me sick.
Exactly the same thing happened to me. It was my first job in an office environment, and I was straight out of college. I started it more or less a year ago, and for the most part, I really enjoyed it. I had friends there, and I know the management team really liked me. But there was this one girl who despised me. It was partially my fault, as she told me that I come across as bitchy and stuck up, but once she realised that I was only socially awkward, and therefor had no social influence, she started bullying me, very subtly. It took me an entire year to finally break down. A couple of months ago, I ended up walking into her very roughly, as I really wanted to hurt her, but held myself back enough to just walk into her. At that point, she freaked out, and I literally walked out of my job, sobbing. I told the receptionist to let my boss know that I was quitting and never coming back. I’ve had so many colleagues messaging me about what happened, but I haven’t replied to anyone as I don’t know how to tell them that she had been bullying me for the entire year.
I’m not a high-masking autistic, but I can relate 100%
Thank you for the discussion 🙏🏾💛
Yes, a video on how advice has been counter intuitive when having a natural egoless state. It seems a lot of self help books focus on letting the ego "go" to unite with the sense of "oneness"... yet this sense of oneness has defined my life naturally and I struggle to actually stand up for my own personal needs or desires like learning to have an identity is the true "fight" of my life!
I've achieved that. I have an identity now. The struggle is about strengthening the ego and finding my identity through introspection. I grew up schizoid and with subclinical autism.
I didn't know what to expect when I started watching but deep into it feels like the awakening moments when I realized that it was okay for me to be gay and autistic or when I finally admitted to myself that I'm nonbinary. Literally having just had a bad meltdown because I thought that I lost my work ID is absolutely about how much the mask has held me back since my ego has been so defeated that I don't even realize who I am at times. Every single social experience, online or not, seems like a new ego death as a result, since my ego literally has such a short lifespan.
Irene, once again, thank you for creating a unique space where your authenticity and personal experience give others like myself a reason to comment. I rarely at all comment on videos, yet here I am again, on Your channel, saying how much I appreciate you being you. Your authenticity is undeniable and always refreshing. Your lived experience is valued and related to by many.
This video came at an absolutely perfect time for me. I’ve been struggling with this so hard lately and it’s always so validating and refreshing to hear someone else say the things I hear in my head and know that I’m not losing my fucking mind. Thank you so much for these videos. They help so much more than I think I could ever express 🖤
I have no idea if I am autistic, but certainly highly sensitive and I’ve always felt like I have no place in the world. Even more recently and therefore I’ve been spending most of my time alone because I’m just not interested in most people. Your videos, especially this one, really made me feel like I’m not alone with my experience and that maybe I’m not as “crazy” (whatever that means) as I thought. ❤️🙏🏼
This also reminds me of a thought i had a few years back,
When we are born, we are whole, we are authentic to ourselves. As we grow up, we are taught or traumatized into people we may not even recognize. The hardest part is waking up to that reality and working to find ourselves again. This is the process that begets rebelious teenagers and mid-life crises.
What do i know though, this is just how i make sense of the world. I have no schooling or formal training in psychology or anything like that.
Scapegoating - PREACH. Also, I'm about in the same emotional place as the girl in the first TikTok. I'm 40 and have to pretend like everything is still peach and okay at work. Any accommodations that were available have now all flown away. I always feel like the scapegoat. I ask for help that never comes.
I remember, as a teenager, thinking and getting emotional over the fact that I truly need more support to safely exist & deeply realizing where I would be without the needed support, then to lose the support I had as a new adult, struggling, because my support system was not supportive and gaslighted, harshly misunderstood me to the point where I was exactly where I imagined I would be without the support I needed. I knew what would happen. I didn’t know that I would be so betrayed, though. It’s so heavy.
The painfully aware section felt close to home
I just want to thank you for giving me what you said you were missing
I don't cry a lot but this really made me tear up
I haven’t been diagnosed due to my insurance ending in a month. (I couldn’t even get an appointment for the evaluation even though I’ve been trying to get in somewhere since February.) My therapist is the one that recommended I get “in touch with the possibility of autism”. It’s because literally every single time I’ve spoken to her and had a emotional bomb it points back to experiencing sensory and social differences growing up. Sometimes I feel extremely guilty attributing my struggles to something I’m not diagnosed with.. even if they feel so accurate and real. This video hits home though. I just never felt like “me” or knew who I was and as an artist- these struggles I’ve spent my whole life simplifying- bring me to a ragged emotional place if I even look at my work. :/
Self diagnosis is valid. Many of us choose or cannot get an "offical" diagnosis, but that doesn't make us any less autistic.
Do not feel bad about self diagnosis. I’m currently trying to get a diagnosis, but I am living in poverty. My medical insurance sent me a nonsensical list of doctors with no information attached to it that I had to sift through one by one. Most places give you the runaround and tell you they don’t do diagnosis and that you have to call your health insurance and find out which places do. But of course when you call your health insurance, they say you need to call somewhere else. I’ve been trying to go through this process since September and finally this week I was able to request testing and an appointment somewhere but have not heard back.
Best of luck ❤
I deeply resonate and empathize with a majority of the things you brought up. A girl I work with who I absolutely adore always tells me I’m very self aware of myself and what’s going on in my body, and I wanted to take it as a compliment but to me it was confusing like is that how I appear outwardly because on the inside I’m talking myself through how to breathe properly, respond appropriately, and come off as a human being. I wish I could get to that sweet spot, I’m trying to make changes, moving out soon and in with my fiancé who always encourages and supports me, going around people outside of work more, saying yes to plans and following through more. I’ve always been this way but after battling with addiction for 10+ years and being sober for a few I felt a relapse coming and remembered someone telling me if I ever wanted to really get clean to do a godly dose of LSD, which I did because I knew I would die if I relapsed again, here I am 5+ years clean but the ego death from that on top of my general ego struggle/facade has been detrimental. I want to learn how to use it to my advantage. I get fussy when I can’t explain things properly with my fiancé, but anyone else I just walk away disassociate collect my thoughts, recenter and try another approach. I wanna do so much in life but keep experiencing mental and physical burnout from an autoimmune disorder, I have ADHD and have had a doctor recommend an autism assessment but I refused only because I don’t want to lose privileges, I kinda suspect I am, regardless of if I am or am not, I just want to get to a point where I’m not micromanaging my every move in fear of being perceived. Thank you for your video it really hit home in a lot of ways. Once we find ways to make peace with ourselves we’ll be unstoppable 🙂🫶🏻
This was one of the most validating videos I’ve ever seen, and that’s really saying something… Seriously, thank you so much. I’ve been struggling so bad, but it helps to know there are others like me out there…
I'm only halfway through and so overwhelmed with how well you are explaining these things. My therapists don't believe me because finding the words to describe my experiences is so difficult. Thank you for finding them. We are so desperate to communicate our experiences, thank you for providing such a cohesive and coherent explanation of what is actually going on.
Irene, you have no idea how much I resonate with what your shared (very eloquently) in this video. I hopped on RUclips this evening to watch a video from an autistic creator because I was feeling depleted after facing so many of these feelings over the weekend, and I am so glad you posted this today. Such synchronicity 🙏🏻💜 I feel like I am entering / in the beginning phases of reaching that level of acceptance - what you referred to as the ultimate ego death - and it’s been a really interesting process… I am actually beginning to find indulgent pockets of peace, and it’s quite wild and feels so good. I still really struggle with what you spoke to surrounding feeling like perhaps I’ll just have to be completely lonely or alone in my life, and how genuinely terrifying and debilitating that thought and reality can be / seem. Thank you for making me feel so seen and not alone. ❤️
This video is incredibly validating for so many reasons. I've been struggling with many of the issues you discuss recently, and it's been driving me insane. Personally I also have the issue of being similar to your partner in that I grew up in a very argumentative household, so my natural reaction is strong defensiveness and needing to distinguish between "right" and "wrong"; but then in hindsight, after analyzing the situation, I end up in the place of ego death where everyone's perspective and experience is valid all at the same time... And then I often feel bad for being so defensive, not to mention being perceived as being so obsessed with being right when that is not who I want to be at all. A problem I find there is when I accept everyone's truth but one or multiple people (including myself) feel hurt, and I want to ask for an apology but am not sure how to do so without invalidating my own experience or another person's experience.
Overall it's a ridiculously complex internal conflict that I have tried to explain to people, but I have never once felt heard after explaining.
Related to the defensiveness I mentioned, though, is that "being perceived inaccurately" thing. My best friend has a tendency to make jokes poking fun at me, but I'm often the butt of the joke (a product of their own traumatic upbringing), I take it literally, and I feel as if I have been outed as a bad person in some way and I get super defensive and have to prove that they're wrong or they lied about me because that isn't who I am. It's a vicious loop that can also hurt them too and I'm only just barely starting to accept that good friends won't judge me for those things/prove it wrong with actions rather than words, but man is it difficult :')
Thanks for the video though, I can't wait to watch more and I really appreciate you doing this! ♥
Age 29 - I agree with pretty much everything you've said. I am not sure I'd consider it an ego death although I really appreciate that an ego death is still language much closer than what I was using even with some psychology and therapy background (thank you for this springboard). I have Dissociative Amnesia which feels like this. I am my blind spot, which is connected to my auDHD experiences obviously. In my teens and early twenties, people described me and maybe still would (despite not really being accurate), as 'argumentative', or 'highly opinionated' and this was tied into my need to get a sense of self through watching other people discourse and decide how I feel about not just what they said, but (whether they followed through, whether they were a hypocrite, how did they behave before, during, and after?) and this gave people the impression that I had a more developed sense of self than I had because it allowed me to develop a mask of "goodness/acceptableness" without actually addressing any of my real traits or opinions. It *didn't* mean that my opinions fit in with the group, which is where their anger comes from. It meant that I determined where my opinion fell (even if it was wildly outside of anything they discussed as an option) and then based on how everyone else behaved, I picked the supporting behaviors that felt the most just/moral as a way to compensate for not giving a thought to how just or moral etc. those things were for ME in reality and my lived experience (let's talk about conservative women voting their rights away, and how despite never being a conservative I waffled on my opinions for a while on some things). As an Autistic person, it becomes very complicated to disentangle "right" from "just/moral" because neurotypicals typically equate the two in ways that aren't real especially socially and ethically, and that can be confusing when you want to do the most good AND you want to be in the "most good" group too and it begins to really screw with Autistic sense of justice vs their own selves in my opinion which is why we end up struggling harder later after you have had to climb the mountain with your bare hands while they took the lift.
People would say I always seemed "confident" and "march to the beat of your own drum" which in hindsight, like okay how did no one think "Maybe it's the 'tism?" with all of my other personality traits... I would have also told you I had a strong sense of self, but as you mentioned a lot of that was what people told me I was and when those people go away (good or bad), so do those stable supports for your idea of self. (example, a teacher or friend)
I digress, it seems counterintuitive then that my overdeveloped sense of justice compensated for the gaps of my selves where opinions (both agreement and dissent) were not only where I was comfortable, but the only way I knew how to grow socially and find allies. When your own family doesn't really understand your experiences and how you're trying to process and fit in socially, and they try to argue with you or correct you, or in some way destabilize your traits in an attempt to make you more neurotypical (good/bad intentions aside), all of your "otherness" is seen as a choice, and sometimes an opinion. Rather than accept that you are different, you are just "disagreeable" or "ornery" something of the sort. This is (my 2c) a way in which Autistic people are basically trying to engage social situations in a scientific way based on social experience, along the lines of what you were saying. At least most of us didn't have a healthy or ill-informed background family experience, and that leads to us spending more time learning the ins and outs of what it's like to be someone else to get through, never learning how to navigate conflict 1-on-1 ourselves because it's too difficult as children to talk with neurotypicals about your experiences. Logically, that would be then just a few steps away from young Au-dults trying to re-engage these mechanisms to learn about other people and new situations.
I think this also gives people a sense that you're "Playing people off one another" or "stirring the pot" ("borderline/etc behavior") because they think that you should "just know" how people will react to one another, and how discourse will go and who will fight and argue and how etc. They project a social understanding that you don't know while being angry that you're "choosing" to create conflict (you are, but not in the way that neurotypical people think, like with someone who is choosing to create conflict in BPD for the narcissistic/emotional fuel). In my opinion, I find it funny when people say that Autistic people are argumentative - I would argue (ha ha!) that instead we are raised in an internal and external environment of conflict, even if we don't visibly struggle with it, and are usually not averse to bluntly dealing with conflict in the moment because we typically don't understand neurotypical projections or expectations (in my case, I don't care about your social contract of fake professionalism in my next example).
I'm just going to give a "me" example where let's say if I worked in a physical office and there is a group convo of peers and someone said something that I just took wrong, and replied in a way that created conflict. Consciously, I'm not trying to create conflict but instead, I'm thinking about getting more context about the group thoughts on a topic I've now deviated to in an unconscious way. Let's say, they are talking about football and everyone is clearly a fan of one or two main teams, and they ask who I like. I say, Oh well, I don't really follow football but I'm a Boston sports fan. Someone brings up deflate-gate, and I don't respond with what they're looking for (opinion or emotion shift) OR I'll respond with something I know at least some people would disagree with, such as deflate-gate wasn't real. It doesn't matter if I know that to be true or believe it. The other main groups don't like the Patriots, and now there's tension. I've just got a clear understanding of a ton of group AND individual dynamics, background, and conflict management at work. I also don't like the idea that Autistic people don't apologize or aren't able to conflict manage. Actually, I probably over-conflict manage and over-apologize if I think you are somewhat an ally because existence is already hard enough.
I know who I can ask to help me or whether someone's mood might affect how they respond to me (based around our experiences where one person is usually better alone than in the group or in certain settings). Naturally, this would become something that autistic people begin to play on (which most neurotypicals would consider manipulative simply because it gave information about themselves that they didn't intend to give out willingly, and not because it was a nefarious interaction.) Since now we know about them, and they realize we know how to learn about them, we are kind of intimidating or threatening to them because we can see past the social masks that they'd like to portray. And the other reason why they find that kind of behavior insidious is simply that when they do it, they're doing it to engage mechanisms to learn about you and other minority groups to take away specific groups' humanity or for other nefarious reasons outside of just learning about people.
Well said.
Neurotypicals feel more comfortable having the option to frame things in a way that please them. Their intention is to share the surface level. Autistic people analyze and naturally delve into the layers all the way to the core. Our strengths are antithetical? (don’t know if that’s the right way to phrase) to theirs so they feel threatened 😑
@@bubbiccino yes exactly then they don't understand your adaptations (I'll use my example again). "Why doesn't she work on Sundays? Seems a bit antisocial or something." Well, Jared, you seemed like a prissy biotch when your team lost. I know you're not going to do ish at work that day and you're going to be in a foul mood but I'll be expected to maintain niceties and take on an extra share of work since "it doesn't matter to me who wins" but the way you talk/treat to me that day certainly won't match expectations of fairness. Y'all done tipped your hand as a group too who is going to side with your behavior based on who reacted to the previous incident lol
"ego death in childhood" section - thank you so much for talking about this! I am diagnosed asd with cptsd. It truly starts early childhood, when we have no agency at all.
We have to mask and mimic in order to survive, and that is extremely exhausting and debilitating, especially when it isnt successful versus ablism/neurotypical structures.
After years of basically getting nothing out of therapy except a venting space, I've finally found a way to make it like, usefull to me, by almost like looking at it as a cognitive load sharing space. As in, a thing happens and I'm going into full reflection/analysis mode reflexively, but i try to hold off on it until therapy so that 1) i stay more connected with my here and now and my enviroment because analysis literally just turns off more social and grounded parts of the brain, and 2) ill be doing that reflection out loud with another person, so some of the latent mean rules i made up abt the world or myself actually see the light of day and can be challenged more effectively than i can in my own head where those things feel more true. So annoying that it took me almost a decade to actually make therapists useful to me 😭😭😂 but im noticing now that im so much better at staying in the moment instead of floating in that analysis space, and that helps a lot with feeling like i can connect with people to some extent
I have been going through a very rough time lately, struggling a lot with my art and my artistic expressions. As an art student and someone who has devoted most of my life to art and has always felt the most comfortable making art, this has been heartbreaking. I have been going through the motions of picking everything up again, and a lot of it has to do with finding all the pieces of myself that have shattered once more. This video has opened my eyes to so many things; how being a high masking autistic person has influenced my idea of self -- an artist. Thank you so much for sharing and giving me so much insight.
Elaborate please
@@dark_nightwing_xl2797 on?
This is such an important video. I have always had these vague feelings of never knowing who I am but have never heard such a clear analysis of not having an ego. Thank you for making this!
'You don't feel safe'- YES, that's how I've felt most of my life. I'm sorry you feel this way too.
I wanted to expand on what you were saying at the end about accepting everyone is valid without explanation, becuase I think it's the same sentiment I have bit worded differently. At a point when i realized it was too difficult and too painful for me to get accomodations and to be understood, I realized I could at least be the person I need for other people when they need it. Everyone is valid, including the people who dont get me, and who's my presence forces them to confront themself. If I expect anything from them, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. If I become the person who accomodates them, then I can create a situation where everyone is comfortable, even if it requires more work from me. E.g. i feel socially awkward saying hi. Maybe other person also feels awkward saying hi. I say hi first and smile and break the ice. If they are friendly, they willl smile and say hi back and feel comfortable. If they are not, they are not worth my time, and I also dont need to take it personally. I didnt do anything wrong by being friendly. And maybe they are having a really hard time. I get that. It's lonely on the island like this, but its ultimately better for myself and the people around me. The people around me dont get me, but I get them
thank you for talking about the sensory issues with taking pills, I hate it so much, sometimes I can, but most of the time is so hard, I need to breath before and after, and I can’t in public places with loud noises and people
I’m only 13 minutes in but wow. It both feels comforting and extremely painful to hear this. It hits so so close to home.
I was really struggling with gaslighting myself into thinking I can't be autistic, but watching this video... I'm like 98% sure I am. It is making me emotional as I feel like everything you're saying resonates with me.
As you said being so self aware makes it hard to get meaningful input from people, but your videos never fail to deliver some insight. Thank you!