Right off the bat Jess is trying to be friendly and kind in the bathroom and she gets a reaction like she is weird from Julia, twice. While Schmidt is rude and abrasive and Julia has basically a playful interaction with him. This is SUCH a real thing. I am constantly confused about why my genuine attempts at kindness seem to give people the ick while snarky stuff from others seems welcomed.
A lot of our society raises and oppresses women to be "nice" at all costs as a means of survival. So it's difficult for many women who have seen the mask slip consistently on women who they thought were "happy and nice," but it turns out they were faking to survive. (Ex seeing our mothers burnt out and neglected as they mask with an image of perfection to the outside world) It can really ruin our ability to take overt acts of "nicess" or "selflessness" at face value.
@@addangel yes! It's very important for us autistic people to recognize that sometimes people do *not* like us and nothing we do will change that and it's okay. It's just part of life, there are people I don't like for no real reason besides just not wanting to be around them and that's okay too.
Yes! This has always been my experience too, trying to build more friendships with like minded women and not chasing connections with people who act like Julia
Interesting.. As an Audhd I never felt very safe with either gender, if they were neurotypical it just meant I was odd man out 😂 Very early friendships with males were maybe a little easier to come by
@@ratlinggull2223it does. A lot of people with autism find cross gender friendships easier during childhood and adolescence. I don't think the effect is as pronounced during adulthood. Tbf, I wouldn't be surprised if the friendships were with other neurodiverse people. I always found that during adolescence I didn't relate to other girls and girly things and the focus on boyfriends and being attractive. Ironically, the platonic friendships with guys was almost always percieved as having a romantic component by outsiders
I feel I need that there is a "possiblity of sex", even if we would never, I get super werird around girls and feel like there should be some sort of sexual tension??!?? Super werid, I might be the only one who thinks like this :( But anyway, I feel I can also be more gross with guys because they are grosser idk
The polkadot thing is so real... I also feel like people sometimes misinterpret my genuine compliments as passive-aggressive for this reason. It's so frustrating
I had this issue and the thing that solved it is by leaning into the cheese. Instead of trying to give a normal compliment “You wear a lot of polka dots” I complete the compliment by saying “You are such a beautiful original person and you rock a polka dot better than anyone I’ve seen.” Do that enough and people are like “Huh this weird girl gives genuine ass compliments, that shit is delightful”. People also LOVE it if you notice things about their personality so you can weaponize that neurodivergent pattern recognition shit. “You know what I love about you? You’ve got this amazingly cute polka dot aesthetic - you pair different patterns so well, and pairing these different patterns comes so easily to you but even stylists struggle with that. But I love how it juxtaposes your interests. You listen to scary ass true crime podcasts so you’re like this badass fearless hardcore person but aesthetically you’re so friggin cute! I love people who are complex and layered like that.”
@@360shadowmoon It can be an insult, a compliment, or an observation. It helps to understand that Neurotypical and Neurodivergent brains are different and have their own strengths and limitations. Neurotypical brains tend to place a lot of value and importance into social acceptance and fitting in. This can be a positive - Neurotypical people tend to build pretty strong social connections and the world is designed around them, so their needs are, in a lot of ways, the needs of society. Telling a neurotypical person that they do something different than everyone else (wear a lot of polka dots) can be an observation and totally interpreted that way - but in a lot of ways, it can be telling this person "hey person with brain preoccupied with social cohesion - you're failing to fit by the social standard, just thought you should know". A comment like this can cause an interruption in the Neurotypical brain...Largely because Neurotypical conversation does involve a lot of delving into the deeper meanings of what people say and what they mean by what they said. So an observation like that can cause distress, not unlike if you were to interrupt a Neurodivergent's person ability to meet their own personal needs, like pointing out every time they were stimming. In many ways you'd likely interrupt the flow of the stim, decreasing the stim's effectiveness of soothing that person. Neurotypical flow tends to happen when they maintain social cohesion effectively - they get a lot of mental ease from things like fitting in, communicating with peers (including body language), and having a good understanding of their place in social settings.
@@360shadowmoon In the neurotypical world, not doing things the way everyone does them is usually an insult UNLESS it's a compliment. The ability to accept things neutrally by Neurotypical people is a marker of high development and maturity - it means that person has a strong sense of self and is secure in the value of their current social connections that a possible pointing out of not fitting in doesn't mentally challenge that for them. It doesn't help that neurotypical culture also promotes politeness through "softer language". Observatory language "hey you do X a lot" is often used to "correct" a social failure - and this tactic is learned from a young age from parents and authority figures. Some cultures, like those in the American South, particularly employ this indirect language to correct social failures. The phrase "Bless their heart" comes to mind. At the core of all neurotypical interactions is the need that the person feels accepted and valued. Observations can cause overthinking in all but the most secure neurotypical individuals unless they come from a particularly literal and direct culture... And neurotypical individuals experience an autistic-esque culture shock when they move from one culture to the next. Many Eastern Europeans experience being seen as rude for the first time in their life after moving to places like North America. Likewise, they may be confused by the fact that their North American friend, who makes mere observations (like other Eastern Europeans might) is rejecting all initiations of hanging out and spending time together. They soon found out that they missed a social cue in the exchange. Their North American friend was saying "stop that" when it sounded like "hey this is a thing" to their ears. That's why my motto is do not perceive anything unless it's a positive. And if it is a positive thing I'm seeing in that person, lay on the cheese so that they're certain that I'm accepting them socially. When neurotypical people feel accepted socially by someone, they give a lot of grace for any differences in communication between you two. You build a network of social trust, putting the neurotypical person in a calm state, and the good people will return the favour by understanding your communication patterns and assuming the best about your intentions. They essentially learn "Tim is an accepting person. Tim likes me. What Tim said sounds insulting to my ears if it was said by anyone but Tim, but Tim has been kind to me thus far. Let me clarify with Tim on what he meant before I get upset".
I feel like jess could also fall into the pickme girl trope by accident but the thing that differentiates jess and julia is the fact that julia is consciously bringing jess down for being feminine, which makes julia the real pickme in this situation.
I think that’s why a lot of us disliked Julia at first. It’s just gross to put down other people who are just existing differently than you, especially if you know what it’s like to feel weird and different. I’m glad Julia comes around in the end though.
She did not look down on her for being feminine, Julia was very feminine because femininity is a performative standard, she dressed feminine and wore makeup. She wasn't an overtly polite people pleaser which is something enforced into women through socialization sure, but if that's your standard for femininity then most people do not meet it. She was judging Jess because she perceived her traits as self infantilizing and her hyperfeminine style as inauthentic sure, but not for performing femininity only. They both judge eachother at some point in the episode for their lack of compliance or their adherence to gender norms.
We need to drop the "pick me" insult. No one agrees what it means anymore and it's mostly being used to put women that don't conform with feminine standards/expectations down
I don't think you can be a "pick me" by accident. She's just being her authentic self... nobody deserves to be labelled a "pick me," even by accident, when they are just being themselves.
@@mist3995 funnily enough, it's also used to put down those who DO conform to those standards... nowadays, when more traditionally feminine women express their traditional femininity, by wearing pretty dresses and cooking and having conservative/traditional values, they get called pick-me's and everybody says they're just trying to cater to men to get male attention. It's so absurd. I totally agree with retiring the phrase, for the most part. I do think there are some people for whom the phrase is a valid description, but it's very rarely used appropriately. It's almost always just one woman hating on another women for either liking men or doing something that men like.
Idk, I went through the same thing. I wish I could’ve understood the situation better. The bullying left scars and the confusion only made everything much worse. I’m glad I understand now but man, it was such a pain in the azz
Samesies, I just recently realized that I was heavily isolated and left out on purpose... But I read all the time so it didn't really bother me, I thought they were leaving me alone to read in peace lol
XD the tampons-comment I don't even consider weird. Like Jess wanted to let her know, that whenever Julia is in need of one, she doesn't need to worry.
I've also had a problem with a lot of the hate against "pick me's" because I've seen people respond to "Im not like other girls" with "Im exactly like other girls" like that's the only correct answer. What about those of us who genuinely feel alienated by other women? We want to understand and be included but have never been able to. I agree that putting down other women in order to get male attention is disgusting. But I feel like the neurodivergent girls are getting caught in the cross fire. I'm such a girls' girl, but that doesn't mean that I have an easy time connecting with other women.
I definitely agree with this sentiment, but I saw a video recently that used more concrete examples than just those of conforming to femininity. For example) I laugh like my mother, I cook eggs the way my grandmother taught me, I listen to music my best friend showed me. This recontextualized the "I'm just like other girls" phrase for me in a way that felt much more meaningful, relatable, and powerful.
I think this comment misunderstands the sentiment of “im just like other girls”. Its not about fitting in perfectly and always easily connecting with other women. Its about not creating a divide that puts down an entire gender while trying to simultaneously elevate yourself because you’re “one of the good ones”. I say all this as someone who has always had a hard time integrating with people (but especially neurotypical women)!
I don’t know how this got into my suggested queue but - I’m so glad it did. I am close friends with an autistic woman and we are so close that she calls me “sis”. A lot of neurotypical people around me think it’s “strange” that we are friends. I don’t understand why. She’s the most genuine friend I’ve ever had and as someone who has a brother that is autistic- I wish he had altruistic neurotypical friends that he could make authentic friendships with and that would look out for him. She’s not like any other female friend I’ve ever had - and I love and celebrate that about her. After I moved away after college, she came to visit and was very fixated on going to the beach. We got there very early in the morning ( she insisted it was the first thing we do together) and when we arrived she looked at me so earnestly and said “ what was the bench you sat on with your mom before she died ? Let’s sit together and make new happy memories.” And - if that doesn’t tug at your heartstrings and show the true love of a friend, I don’t know what does. She’s a blessing and all neurotypical people should be so lucky to have a “sis” like her. 🥹
You are so insightful, as soon as you likened Julia to a high masker my brain said YES, I also used to find myself feeling weirdly resentful of people who were openly being their weird selves when I was quashing so many of my own instincts! I love these videos!
Girl fights are always so carefully crafted with multiple layers of context. I think this is because of the patriarchy, how women were (and are) viewed as innocent and pure, as objects for men. In order to survive basic life, women had to constantly be in men's favour. That meant being perceived as nice and kind all the time, even when fighting. Making conflicts between women seem invisible to men was a survival mechanism. To be able to manipulate how the situation is seen by the guys and stay in their favour, defined who got to survive.
I wish this wasnt the case. I think this kind of behaviour has deprived men of seeing women in their full multifaceted natures and resultantly they see women more as objects without that full range of humanness in a way. Like they dont see that aspect so they never learn to consider it when thinking about women. Not sure if this makes sense.. 🤔
I agree. My mom tried to passive aggressively brow beat me into submission but I always spoke my mind. She learned to keep her aggression to herself in public because I might just say what I’m thinking. I didn’t care about being perceived as particularly docile or pleasant all the time, much to my mother’s humiliation.
As a Latina that lived in Japan for awhile, I always compare girl on girl conflict versus guy on guy conflict with Japanese versus Latin conflicts. Girls, just like Japanese people, need to be more manipulative to bully others duo to extreme social norms, so it’s much more careful and often harder to be combative back, because of how carefully crafted it is. Guy conflicts, just like Latin conflicts, is simpler, quicker, cus there’s less social bs. Though is more aggressive and can be more physically dangerous. Terrible guys and Latin people may kill you, terrible girls/Japanese people may make you consider killing yourself. People suck ✨
This video was good. I could never get into New Girl growing up, I felt like I kinda hated it. But after listening to your analysis I started to really get the humor in it. I think the show used to make me feel too emotional because I hated seeing Jess being constantly misunderstood and having to explain herself. I almost wanted to cry when Julia was telling Jess that her whole personality is basically a facade to manipulate others because I have heard that about myself so many times. But, thanks to your guidance, by the end I was enjoying the clips. So thank you for the video!
While I agree that Jess can be misunderstood and I’m no fan of Julie, Jess did overstep boundaries a lot in the show she almost has no character development, season 1 Jess and season 7 Jess are the same she had little to no growth as a character. I wouldn’t call her a pick me but her overstepping and lack of respect for other people’s boundaries got annoying to watch
Me too. I am choosing to be single now because the biggest issue I’ve run into is falling into manic pixie dream girl territory wherein I’m just being myself and the man I’m dating doesn’t understand that I’m a real human and not a tv character. Then they inevitable reject me the moment I turn off or unmask. I’m have yet to meet a man who is ok with me fully unmasked. I did have one best friend (a woman) who was the absolute best ever, but she passed away some years back. I heard that they used to have apps for meeting other autistic people to be friends with, but then I found out they don’t exist anymore. We need that again 😂
@@DaughterofDiogenes That falling into the manic pixie dream girl trope because of neurodivergence and "weird" hobbies and traits and men being attracted to that but then immediately resenting you when they find out you're a real person and not something to be idolized and worshipped is SO REAL. And sorry for you loss
Heh I feel that ':) I can't watch King of Queens because they fight constantly and it's hard for me to watch Big Bang Theory because everybody is so mean to Sheldon.....
One of the things I’ve found actually kind of derails passive aggressive attacks is responding affirmatively and cheerfully as if there wasn’t subtext to what was said and then no longer attempting to connect with that person moving forward. So for example, once an acquaintance was passive aggressively like “ohhhh are you a hypochondriac?” After I mentioned I got an mri to make sure my extreme headaches weren’t a sign of something underlying, and i basically disregarded the hypochondriac question and was like “gosh it’s tough, I have a higher risk of (insert serious medical issue here) because my dad has (insert predisposing medical issue here) and there’s apparently a link between those things and I really just wanted to make sure!” Which made it difficult for the passive aggression to continue its trajectory because that would make the acquaintance “look” more mean. And at the time I genuinely just answered in a literal way because that’s usually what I default to, especially when I sense weird vibes, and then afterwards I journaled about it and realized she was trying to entice me into a passive aggressive spat where I might react defensively. Because reacting defensively is when you “lose” because your reaction can be twisted and used to gaslight you. And one thing I notice with relationships of all genders but especially women is that people feel more powerful if they have the ability to reject someone else’s desire to connect. So if you just don’t have an interest in connecting with them after but also don’t have anything mean to say it removes that power.
Exactly. You gotta act naive and kind in return and it'll expose their attempt at trying to trigger you. Sometimes, they'll even try again to make their point clearer that they had an ill intention, but you just do it again, and you will see them get frustrated and give up, because otherwise they will completely expose themselves lol. It's the only way to counter troll behavior, even though one might be tempted to bite back.
@@ZeonGenesis I found that replying literally and earnestly also wins against sarcasm. Using sarcasm against someone only works when that person recognizes it as such and reacts accordingly. If they reacted like you said, naive/literally and kind, and taking the other person's words at face value, the sarcasm falls completely flat.
Lol high-school me did this without even realizing😅 I just had little interest in befriending other girls, and when they did talk to me I was just kind and literal. Female bullying can't exist in a vacuum. If you just don't fuel the flames, it dies pretty fast.
I loved this video and all the insights! When Jess said "you can't monopolize the bathroom crying space" I died laughing. Thank you! Being a girl with autism and putting in so much effort, care, and thought into making someone (especially girls) feel comfortable and like you and not think you're weird and then 70%+ of the time they still end up mistrusting you or thinking somethings wrong with you... It's exhausting and so painful. Boundaries and consistency is the only way to end the cycle in my experience. I've realized adjusting my behavior to match someone's reactions to me only makes me seem less predictable to them and burn myself out.
I cried watching this. It brought back so many moments where I'm trying to earnestly make a connection, but getting insulted on the DL. The delayed processing is so real.
How can I help my child recognize this? She's young elementary age now, and the girls are already starting making comments, my kid talks to me about it after the fact kind of checking if it was weird. She doesn't want to lose friends and wants to not stick up for herself. Ugh this is so hard.
@Beepbopboop19 I'm so sorry to hear that. It's really tough. Is there anyway you can speak to her teacher? Or the other kids' parents? Keeping busy with my hobbies has helped me and helped build my confidence. Maybe that can help her connect with like-minded people? Having a safe space has also helped me. Unfortunately kids can be really mean and can judge what they don't understand.
6:00 hurt. I've encountered a times where someone thought my personality was some sort of "act". Extremely frustrating when me being authentically myself is seen as fake somehow. Also, physical appearance being tyed in so concretly, perfectly exemplifies how extremely shallow many people are, and there's no avoiding that 😵
And there’s no getting past that! Once someone thinks you’re fake or an “act” anything you try to say or do to convince them otherwise is just you being more “fake” in their eyes! At least in my experience. All I’ve been able to do is back off from those people, nothing else works.
My female parent was a deeply angry, but very adult person.... My aunt on the hand rolled in grass, laughed like a loon and snorted. Both of them pay their bills and I took after my Aunt on purpose and I'm happier too.
I struggled to get into New Girl at first because something about Jess just being weird made me feel uncomfortable until I realized it’s because she’s acting the way I wish I could act.
Honey just act this way then !! Life is too damn short to muffle down all the joy and enthusiasm you feel just because of some daunting social norms of forced neutrality and "middle of the road" behaviour !
@ I’ve loosened up quite a bit in recent years. I am pretty free and silly and fun with friends and my partner now. I struggle mostly to be myself around people I don’t know well or family members who cause me to feel anxious and judged. I’m in therapy now and really working on not feeling the weight of anxiety about what other people feel and to not be so depressed and worried all the time.
Jess annoyed me so much at first when I was watching the show 10 years ago. now, looking back on it I think it was for this exact reason. and also because she is so girly, which I find intimidating 😅
This is all so healing and relatable. Neurotypical women (including my mother) have been calling me "aggressive" since childhood. I really disagree with passive-aggression being superior or less violent. Covert violence is still violence. I have had many male close friends, despite desperately wanting female friendship, because of this. Although, male identified neurotypicals still have some of these double-speaking ways. I also find my hobbies, interests, ways of being get judged by women who think them disingenuous. Much like Jess, the harder I would try to show my excitement and support of women, they often tend to find my enthusiasm strange or tonally incorrect. Although, autistic women with "male" interests can be viewed as "pick-me" esque, I actually find the idea that women need to behave in specific ways to be acceptable to be far more cis-het-male-gaze-coded.
“Invisible fighting” is the reason why I developed a special interest in behavioral analysis because I’d be uncomfortable after interactions and couldn’t figure out why, learning this way gave me a way to explain to people what exactly is happening in a way that can be seen rather than needing that extra area of intuition. I haven’t been diagnosed with autism but I am neurodivergent and this has helped a lot. 💛thanks 💛
I felt so bad for Jess watching this. Friendships are difficult. :( I’m really enjoying the reactions to New Girl. I would not have known about this show otherwise.
This entire video has me on the brink of wanting to cry but not hard hitting enough to the point where I get to tears. I feel so seen, heard, felt, EXPLAINED.
i only just now got diagnosed autistic but it's kind of ridiculous how many autistic coded characters i relate to and how long it took me to accept it lol
When you're trying to tell a guy or anyone else for that matter about a "girl fight"/invisible fighting you have to give backstory is what I've learned. They need the context to see the fight for what it is.
This is blowing my mind. My entire life I would get this feeling of “this person just wants me to hate myself-there’s nothing I can do to make them hate me less”. And I would never understand why people would act like this the second we got close, and yet the more I tried to humor them the worse the treatment would get. People have only ever shown me respect if I successfully call out their problem with me, WHILE seeming like I’m not upset at all lol. It makes it hard to go into making new friends with the eagerness I used to have.
When you’re calm and call it for what it is and then ask how they feel, they always don’t understand where this is coming from or they cry. And I’m sitting there like: not the perpetrator being hurt??? 😐 I’ve learned many ppl want control or power. Most social rules are regressive, stagnant, unhealthy and absurd and its beating everyone’s 🍑 NT/ND in all demographics and situations. Why do we keep agreeing and perpetuating it? I decided to unmask more than ever. I’d rather 🪦 with some semblance of freeness than a repressed shell with no sense of who I am.
It's tough to admit, but I've always been a bit of a Julia 😔 When I was younger I wasn't very good at masking, so I got a lot of feedback that I was weird. I embraced being weird rather than trying to fit in, but also developed a real superiority complex around that where I looked down on other women for exhibiting what I saw as performative femininity, rather than accepting that other women just like girly things and that's no different than me liking the things I like. I really fell into the "not like other girls" mentality, not because I wanted to impress men, but because other women were confusing and intimidating to me and that made me feel insecure, like I was just on a different wavelength to other people and we weren't able to comprehend each other 😕 I still struggle not to be judgemental of feminine women, but at least now I'm aware that that feeling isn't really about them, it's just my own knot of insecurity reacting that way and I just have to acknowledge it and put it to one side 😅
this is so real man 😢 i didnt get over the judgment thing till i met my current best friend who is so so genuinely smart and feminine. she adored that i was kind of callous and unkowledgeable about feminine stuff lmao but over the years ive softened because of her. she loves pink and everything kind of traditionally feminine but shes authentic and she loves me. now ive come to unsuppress my feminine side too and im just a lot more well rounded. shes amazing i love her so much ❤
I think when I was younger I had some resentment towards Jess because I saw myself in her, but I didn't let myself be authentic like she does. Loved your analysis here.
Loved this so much! Loved Jess practicing “Your honour” over and over, I rehearse lots of things before I say them too! On the subject of being misinterpreted, it happened me once and caused a huge fallout that included family and lasted 3 years. It was hell and I was so angry it ate me up inside. being misunderstood / misinterpreted is why many of us autistics tend to overexplain ourselves so much, so people grasp our meaning. It really is like we are speaking two different languages. I notice now with my husband and son, they use subtext and I dont and we have lots of situations where I dont get what they are saying.
I worked in a care home last year, and they’re a mine field of female interactions. I never ever knew if I should zig or zag. Every day was a struggle talking to my coworkers, even about the most mundane things. I couldn’t mention the weekend because they worked them, I couldn’t discuss my family struggles with my Nana in hospital because they’d seen worse, I couldn’t talk about meals out because they’d couldn’t afford them. So many traps. I was in charge of activities, and one of my responsibilities was tidying/organising the Christmas decorations. They were a MESS. So I rolled the lights onto cardboard and labelled ‘750 lights, white light, 10m cord’ or something to that effect. So that anybody could go to the decorations and unpack them next year knowing exactly what they had. Seemed logical to me. While I’m untangling another tree (of the nine I had to do) two women are stood at the other end rolling up what I’d untangled. One says to the other ‘oh yeah this looks like 825 lights don’t you think’ ‘oh no I think it’s more like 647’ .. I smiled and just said ‘it’s a 750 roll’. They laughed to each other, dropped the lights and walked out. It took me a good few minutes to realise they were taking the piss out of my labelling the light rolls. I’d thought I was being mindful of the next person doing the lights and I also thought they were being nice to me by helping with the roll. Nope. It was like a punch to the stomach, and I was hit by a weeks worth of interactions that were mostly them being horrible to me without me realising it. Mine. Field. 😊
The delayed reactions be insane. Because you’re just living and they’re playing mind games. Just how it’s second nature for you to just be. Same for them playing games. But many numb themselves because deep down they know it’s not right to make you the scapegoat of absurd social rules and hierarchies. My baseline of communication, respect and consistency is met with looney tune twilight zone level reactions that I have to realize it’s because I haven’t really ever masked. Then you add societal standards of “beauty” and “talent” then it’s like I just want to be left alone. Can’t rip this “please react to my kind humanity with any viscerally absurd projection” off my back. I take a lot of breaks from people. I love my own company. Other times I take walks, creative endeavors, learn my brain more and wear my favorite outfits which are my favorite colors and compression but people think I’m asking for attention.
I would’ve been so pissed if they were undoing all that work you had just gotten finished with. And who makes fun of labeling items?? That’s so stupid. Unorganized people don’t deserve your efforts babe I’m sorry 😢
I think the female friendship thing reaches another level of confusing if you’re a queer woman, aro/ace/lesbian/bisexual comes with a whole other set of unspoken rules and taboos. Like I’m a bisexual woman married to a man and I make friends with men as easily as with men, sometimes more easily with men since I grew up with brothers and learned their social cues/rules. But then I run into the problem of people misconstruing my friendliness and enthusiasm for a new friend as flirting, ESPECIALLY men. It creates this uncomfortable dynamic with so many people, especially other married couple friend. I do best with other queer neurodivergent friends but most of those people can’t relate to my experiences with marriage and having kids. I’m also living in Utah, the vast majority of other stay at homes moms are well… you can imagine. It’s a weird space to be existing in, I’m having some success with my D&D group of friends but I still run into the same old problems I’ve had my whole life in making and maintaining friendships 😢
@@BrasilianStormagedon it’s a structured, scheduled way to make friends as an adult. I highly recommend it! I’m very lucky to have found the group I did
Not unique to people w/ASD I think, if you’re a woman or femme presenting person. If you talk to them for more than 60seconds it feels like there’s always a 70% chance that they’re gonna take from that, “ I have a shot w/ X” 😂
Vice versa, I've had a lot of girls assume I'm flirting, or "interested" in them, or trying to hit on them - just being nice/trying to make friends. x.x Then, other people think nothing of exactly the same.
Just wanted to say that watching this video really changed my perspective. New Girl has always been my comfort show, and seeing Jess just being herself-and how that resonates with autistic traits-really means a lot to me. Looking back, I've always felt most comfortable around gay male friends or straightforward female friends. I've never quite fit in with the usual "girl groups" and have often felt like the logical one who's a bit on the outside. Thank you for making this; it feels so validating.
I can relate to both Jess and Julia. Julia is so hard on herself and carries resentment for those who feel like they can be themselves and don’t care about judgement as much. Julia is hung up on what other peoples thoughts COULD be. She makes assumptions and villainizes people to fit her narrative and stereotypes because it’s easier to believe that there is something wrong with other people’s thinking than her own. It’s harder to fix your underlying issues and shift your perspective. That’s something I used to struggle with a lot. Jess also does a lot of things to make Julia feel comfortable- she offers food, a blanket, and tries to connect on things they share in common like periods. Her attempts at reaching out were seen as weird to Julia, which also reminds me of my own experiences trying to connect with people who sense there is something off about me because it’s not the way they connect. Social interactions are hard and there are bits and pieces of both characters despite being so different, that remind me of myself.
Im still so oblivious when it comes to women-talk. One time, my "friend" said she makes fun of all her friends. It's an important part of friendship for her. I said, "you don't make fun of me!" She said, "not in a way that you'd pick up on it." Ouch.
oofff i hate bully banter. I can't imagine calling people names for fun. I always take it literally, I can't help it, even if they say it's a joke, I'm always afraid that it needs to come from somewhere truthful. Maybe not to some, if its an outlandish banter, then it can be funny... but everyone involved need to find it funny too... i once told a new friend i dont like the bully banter and she said that then she cant be herself or my friend. i said ok and then she went into guilt-trip mode. I okayed her behaviour for a year until I dropped it. Couldn't take anymore of her insulting everything I did.
@@bumbledee3346omg i have never related to something so much in my WHOLE life. i literally hate sarcasm because of this and what’s funny is how glorified bully banter is, i see it in movies and tv shows and people consume that and that’s what they think a healthy friendship looks like and it’s so infuriating because if you don’t find it funny you’re “stuck up” “think you’re too good for everyone” “don’t have a sense of humour” omg thank you for making me feel validated ❤
@ i don’t know where it’s mentioned in the video but she talks about this back and forth banter that people have when talking to each other…i used to feel so stupid because i couldn’t think that fast and the reason for that was because i didn’t know what was going on because they weren’t direct. i would feel so dumb and i would practice in my room to have witty quick banter. yes i agree with everything you just said
i love to see my fav show interpretted like this. the first time i watched new girl as a high-masking, undiagnosed AuDHD girl, it was hard to watch Jess because i saw so much of myself in her and was socialized to hate authenticity. rewatching it after years of growth, therapy, and finally accepting that i was neurodivergent, i saw Jess in a completely different light. She's my favorite character now and i have so much personal affection for how she lives her life as an openly autistic woman. this show did not deserve its dismissive "quirky girl" label of the 2010s..... autistic girls need this representation so badly
Oh my god I am so eager to see this. I haven't been diagnosed but as someone who has struggled to navigate the dynamics with women since I was a child, I'm so intrigued to see what you have to say on the matter.
I've noticed some women have been very wounded by society and their parents shaming them for their feelings of fear, insecurity or sad feelings, and so they've learned to deny those parts in themselves, become cold and hardened in order to make it in a male dominated world, and so when they meet women who don't repress and deny those parts of themselves, they experience them as reminders and thus threats to their false selves that they believe they need in order to survive. That's what makes some women just very toxic toward other women and it's not surprising they then often prefer attention from men and will freeze out other women. They've internalized that social hierarchy and think being tough is their success. So personally, I will avoid those women and don't care that they don't like me, because yes, I am insecure, I am scared, I get sad, and that's the reality I live in and it's normal to feel that way, and I won't be mocked for it. There are plenty of kind, understanding women like Jess out there who don't make everything a competition for male attention or being the coolest girl, and we just gotta learn to flock towards those instead.
I think I’m a girl who has internalized many opinions of others and have become angry and cold because I freeze on everyone men and women, people scare me. I always analyze and judge myself and others. Or put others on a pedestal quickly, and freeze in social interactions because I don’t want to say the wrong thing because I’m judging myself. Even if I’m aware of that, it’s difficult to stop cause I’m always thinking and I hate it. I love the girls that don’t make anything a competition and are expressive, because I used to be like that, so it reminds me of myself :/ weird place to be in life 🫤
I am weird in that all my friends and most of my loved ones are women, but I have issues creating friendships with women (mostly from being autistic nerdy and AroAce, so being misunderstood is my day to day). On the other hand I wasn't well socialized with boys, plus my relatives would instantly start shipping me with whatever kid spoke to me, so I grew a very deep aversion to spending time with them (again, AroAce). Not with adhd guys though (as long as they were kind and respectful) because they function much the same as my cousins, so I understand them on some level... with all the others it just feels like I have insufficient data in my brain library to know one way or another. And in my opinion guys are actually super covert with many things, sometimes they are repeatedly unkind even to their own best friends in ways I don't fully understand, like visible flinching and discomfort and fear/shame in their face, I CAN pick up on those emotions and empathise with them even if I don't get what's going on. And I am in STEM so I mostly witness male friendships now (although that didn't use to be the case). They hurt each other in a similar level to most bad/toxic female friendships I have seen... but they just go through with it forever and that seems to be their baseline. It might be that my baseline is too different to be comparable but if my friends treated me in such a manner I would rather not have any.
I’ve never related to something more. I only have sisters and have rarely bonded with males my whole life. I genuinely don’t understand how to at this point
I don't even watch New Girl but watching ur analysis of TV Shows really helps put a lot of the theories and features of autism into a real context. One of my fave vids for sure!
16:00 invisible neurotypical fights are a form of gaslighting. how exactly does one explain being gaslit when you're autistic and don't understand most of the subtleties happening in real time?
Omg you described the unspoken-ness of women's relationship perfectly!! When I try to explain to my boyfriend, I say the same thing as Jess did, "you just don't understand" then I feel like I'm the crazy one! Until I talk to my bff and she's like Cici. I've never been good at talking to a big group of girls bc of the jealousy aspect. I really feel for Jess here because I have tried so many times to become friends with women who just don't seem to like me.... hence why men are way easier to talk to in social aspects especially. I like they can talk about random stupid things and not just gossip, plus as someone who reacts with my facial expressions before my words, it's easier to avoid female relationships so I don't "offend" anyone. I give compliments, make them feel included and also am a gift giver, tried it from all angles. I'm approaching 30 now and have the friends I want and can sense when there's bad vibes...I probably would have stopped trying with Julia tbh and just been like "I don't know what I did to you :( " LOL
I have experienced so many of these issues with other women. It is beyond refreshing and validating to hear an honest and realistic perspective from a woman about this kind of conflict.
Thank you for doing this video, ive never come across anything talking about difficulties with girls. I've struggled with female-female interactions so much my whole life and have found it so difficult to navigate the social nuances and invisible battles. Its such an important part of a girls life because ive found other women have certain social expectations of other women, whereas women dont have these same expectations of men where they can get away with a lot more. Working in an office full of girls was very difficult for me because they expected me to act a certain way, which i didn't understand so they decided not to like me and to be against me. I'm so glad im at the age where i have more opportunity to choose who to interact with and try to accept the way i am when others don't.
This is exactly how I feel!!! Yes it is VERY difficult to navigate all the social nuances between women as a woman on the spectrum. I find it taxing. Like I have to be more careful how I say things and what I say. Women are more likely than men to take you or what you say the wrong way, and then turn around and gossip or hold it against you. I feel like with men I can just SAY things and they most likely won’t take it some sort of way or care. I also agree that women have different social expectations of men than they do with other women. I’m a nurse so I also work with mostly women.
One time I started a new job and made a couple of work friends. A week in, we were sitting in the canteen and the guy one said "wow you're way smarter than you look. It's genuinely surprising". My response was (of course) "OMG Thank you ❤". If the other work friend didn't call him out for it then and there, I probably wouldn't have figured it out for a long while. I'm still very grateful to her for it, especially since I wasn't a common occurrence for me to be defended by other women. Didn't know I was autistic then but looking back at situations like these, I had so many "aha" moments it's actually embarrassing. Thank you for another great video 💖🌸
The dynamic you’re talking about, is something my mom has done to me my whole life. The subtle, invisible underlying jabs that I don’t even get until much later. It’s so tiring. I am no contact now. I feel upset with her for never understanding me, and looking down on me. I’m one of those people who has had much more successful and longer friendships with guys. They don’t do that mind game stuff 😫 the friendships I had with women ended much more dramatically and were just so tough. And much shorter in duration. I’ve tried but it’s so damn hard.
I haven’t been diagnosed but I feel as though I do have autism. I can relate heavily with many things I learn about it, including this video. It hits hard when looking back and realizing how much I was being made fun of and thought people were laughing with me instead of at me. I’ve always loved keeping things positive and I realize how uncomfortable that has made people around me. Now I’ve basically been through it so much I can tell a lot faster..and since I catch on more quickly, I’m deemed as “too sensitive”, even by family members. If they know I’m sensitive, it confuses me why they continue. If I act like I don’t care or don’t notice, it pisses them off even more. Any way, I don’t want to dump my life on here but it’s crazy how relatable this is when there were many times I didn’t realize people were actually being mean and not playful.
In psychology the term for this sort of insidious bullying is “indirect aggression” as opposed to direct aggression which is more clear cut and overt. A lot of girls struggle with this behaviour, not necessarily because of neurodivergence, but because it’s designed to have degrees of plausible deniability. It’s usually packaged with gaslighting.
This is so triggering I missed all the social cues that you mentioned. I feel so disabled. And unsafe in social situations most of the time, because I can not understand passive aggressiveness and hidden things hidden meanings, and context which makes me feel really awful and helpless. I hope that one day maybe. I'll be able to learn how to communicate with neurotypicals. And feel more safe in this world..
Wait same! I’m actually surprised that this popped up on my feed because I just watched this episode for the first time a few days ago and I didn’t catch a few of the smaller jabs that she points out in this. Like the whole couch scene made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable but I didn’t catch the passive aggressive jabs like “here’s your blankie”. Which has thrown me because I thought I was getting so good 😭
When you get a word or phrase wrong, but it still technically makes sense, it's called an "eggcorn" I learned about that recently. It's your brain trying to make sense of what you're hearing in the right context without ever actually seeing the word or phrase written down.
I find these commentary videos so helpful because I often don't see these social nuances and meanings as an autistic person and it makes me appreciate (but also feel frustrated by) their complexities. I also agree with similar comments below that this also means I didn't understand the difficult experiences I went through in school.
13:00 the main difference between genders is that women will be trying to be passive agressive about it immediately while men will hold it in for longer and they're more likely gonna be completely blind to it happening until they explode. So they're just as likely to be passive aggressive, just differently. the passive aggressivity is more a question of personality than socialisation per se. The socialization difference between genders just impacts **how good** they are at doing it. I've actually always found other girls and women easier to get along with. Those who want to be passive agressive I ignore and those who are fine with how i am, I get along with. Most of them actually liked that I didn't play mindgames. They knew how to play it in a way I never did but they didn't particularly liked playing it when they didn't have to. Meanwhile with guys, as a tomboy who was too girly to automatically be one of the guys but too tomboyish to be like Jess I've had to "prove" stuff which was just a different way to be passive aggressive. So I ended up not making many guy friends because I had as little patience with guys than I did with girls. It's more of a random thing of which one you had around you growing up. Like if you're gay but growing up in a big city vs in the middle of nowhere you're not gonna meet the same amount of /out/ queer people. Girls' girls are a thing and I will not take this kind of slander against them
I have been trying to use "what do you mean by that?" more often if I feel off about comments that feel like insults. When i react less and ask them to elaborate, they usually don't have a response that sounds genuine. It makes it uncomfortable pretty quickly sometimes.
Advice needed!!: I only recently discovered that I have a lot of high masking autistic traits and this video was very comforting to watch. I recently had an experience with a girl in my partner’s childhood friend group that was something I didn’t realize was a pretty similar situation to what happened in the video until now. I would consider myself a “girls girl” and don’t typically have a hard time making female friends but with this specific girl I’ve never been able to get past her general icy attitude towards me. My partner and I have been together for a little longer than 7 years and I’ve been essentially adopted into the friend group and have great relationships with everyone in the group, except for this girl. She was very distant and cold to me when I first got introduced to everyone and I just thought she’d need some time to warm up to me but it’s never happened. I have a particular interest in fashion and makeup and so I like to dress up frequently and she always makes comments about my outfits or makeup that aren’t necessarily bad or mean comments but they’ve never felt like compliments even though to others they might seem that way. For a Christmas party one year we both ended up wearing the same elf jumper that we both found at Walmart. I thought it was just a cute coincidence and made the comment of “great minds think alike or something” but she wasn’t amused and went and changed a few minutes later and avoided me for the rest of the party. I tried to brush it off again because she literally never acts this way with anyone else in the group and so I thought I was just reading into it too much. UNTIL, at this years Halloween party, I was dressed up as a character from Mean Girls and felt particularly cute and had got a lot of compliments on my costume when the girl came up to me and asked said “you always look so nice, do you dress up like this all the time for others?” I know it doesn’t seem like a mean thing initially but the way she said it was very mean natured and condescending. I just told her that I enjoy fashion and that doing my makeup is fun for me because I love drag and experimenting with new looks. She just laughed and walked away. I haven’t told anyone about this but it’s starting to really get to me. Should I confront her and ask if she had a problem? Like I said, she’s super nice and friendly with everyone else in the group so I feel like I’m going crazy but I seriously think this girl might hate my guts and no one would believe me if I said something about it.
Ykw show her the same energy back. If she approaches u, say mean things, say petty backhanded things back, talk to her in a cold way, give one word answers, don't give her a lot of info about yourself. If she says something abt the way u dress again, say sarcastic things like "wouldn't u like to know", "what does it matter to u", "you just wouldn't understand fashion even if it hit u", "jealous?", idk, just things like that! I know it's scary, but u should let out ur automatic sarcastic thoughts more. They usually don't like that and might steer clear of u. Can't join her, "fight" her like yeah say things back, with a cold tone, one word/sarcastic answers, make it obvious ur not looking at her and dont like her, and dont show her ur good energy, dont give nice proper responses, dont let urself show ur affected by her shit etc. I know it's not that easy to be mean back as a nd girl, I'm the same way... I'm too nice and even had to talk to Ai chats asking how to be mean or petty back and the chat started acting like i was gonna do something evil and didnt answer back saying it can't answer due to guidelines LMFAOOOOOO. But usually, when u match people's energy, they'll kinda be flabbergasted and don't expect it, so they might get the message and be a little intimidated, cus ur fighting back, or avoid u, or maybe be a lil more cordial lol. I hope this helps... ❤
The pointing things out things!! Yes!! I try to ignore the thing to gain social favour in a group, but it gets to a point where if it continues I just want to explode and I have to say something. That's a really good point though, people want to be ignorant to these things, so when you point out stuff people are trying so hard to dismiss and ignore, they get mad at you. I cannot stand blatant hypocrisy, double standards, willful ignorance, denial or when people just don't communicate when something is wrong
This was so fun and enlightening. It's given me a lot to think about. I definitely gravitated much more towards male friends as a teenager and had that misinterpreted as manipulative.
This! I had to walk away from a lot of friendships because guys wanted more.. You guys were all I had 💔 Definitely questioned my own intentions with power dynamics
As an autistic woman I relate to Julia so much more in this. Julia represents me unmasked. Unmasked I’m not going to fake enthusiasm to match Jess’s energy just because I sense she wants me to. The way she forced the blanket on her it’s like she had no time to firmly say no before a sensory overload of some new texture engulfed her. If I state I don’t want a cupcake and explain that it’s nothing personal and Jess insists on making me take one? That feels like invalidating my opinion and crossing a clear boundary I just stated. I relate to Jess in countless ways in every episode but this one I really felt for Julia. Jess being hospitable is my worst nightmare as a guest. I see Jess as the unintentional bully Julia is just being blunt. If I were Julia I wouldn’t want to make any friendships with the roommates. I’m there for nick and his roommate’s need to interact with me is not my problem. Nick was right it’s inappropriate for Jess to ask her for free legal help. It’s even more inappropriate to insist on a friendship.
ok well the reality is that if you’re seeing someone who lives with other people, you will have to interact with those people at some point (probably many times). it’s extremely rude to pretend they don’t exist and blow them off when they’re trying to have a friendly relationship with you because you’re in THEIR living space. they deserve to feel comfortable too considering the fact that a complete stranger is staying in their HOME, their one safe haven. i would not feel comfortable having someone i know absolutely nothing about and who refuses to even acknowledge my existence staying the night at my house. i would feel very unsettled by that, as would most people
@ good point but I think there is a lot of grey area between not acknowledging someone’s existence and being their friend. Julia says hi or at least something when she goes over she doesn’t ignore everyone, refuse eye contact and walk straight to nicks room. And Schmidt had girls over a few times and no one gets to know them or cares about getting to know them… I think Jess just cares because she loves nick lol
the actual problem is julia doing the backhanded compliments thing qnd being condescending. its the mind games. i dont think julia would have cared about the cupcake especifically
I'm so glad you made a video on this episode. I actually cry sometimes and feel discomfort and triggered while watching it. I had a friendship from high school end some years ago due to the constant battle like Jess and Julia were having. We decided to move in together and after 2 years of it, I had enough. We had a terrible dynamic anyway in high school when we were closer. I always felt like I was her second choice and that she looked down on me. When I say this I don't mean to seem full of myself but I sometimes felt she was jealous of me for whatever reason. Our friendship was messy and to be honest after our first year living together I felt like that never went away and I had hoped we got past that nonsense. The second year was me trying to stay sane and distance myself from her and it really became apparent once I started dating my now fiancée. Think of Harry Potter's cousin Dudley stomping up and down the stairs like a brat. That was her quite literally. Anyway, I am content with not being around that anymore but it still saddens me that it ended the way it did. Trying to talk to her and work things out when she was so hostile, I backed off and gave up. Even once she tried to scramble and open up to me, I listened but I wasn't going to stick around for that behavior.
Oh my goodness you just had so much insight when you said the only way you could join someone like this is to make yourself small. There’s a member of my family that when I’m happy and it’s a parent so you expect they would be happy because they do care but when I walk in happy they get bitter and always say something wrong like there’s something I did wrong and they have a glum face and, everyone says oh they’re tired and cranky, but they do this to me only when I’m happy and I was thinking about that the other day like instead of me being so and going home and crying thinking about the fact that they’re really unhappy and projecting this onto me, but I don’t need to be around it
I had a friend for 13 years, which to be fair, it started out good, we were both very young and innocent at the time. But over the years I can see how weird and passive-aggressive he has become towards me. One night we were out with a group of friends of mine and he got jealous of the fact that someone called me "special". Not in a negative way. Just special. His initial reaction was to tell me to "not do that", as in not be myself. I was flabbergasted, to say the least. We don't speak anymore, but as a late diagnosed autistic woman, it can be extremely hard to tell the signs.
My first thought is perhaps he thought they were calling you “special” as an insult. He wanted you to to mask your true self so you wouldn’t draw attention or future insults. This could be due to his own internalized ableism and possibly a history of being bullied. It could be a need to ‘save’ combined with a strong sense of justice. I have a male friend who does things like this. I have reminded him that I don’t need a protector. He has troubles with his own sense of masculinity and worth. He was raised to never be “too much”. He is high masking and in denial. I think a lot of us autistic women make friends with adhd or autistic guys (or bipolar, ocd) because we all share in the experience of being different to others. Many women learn how to navigate the social difficulties earlier and we end up helping our male friends out. But a lot of them stay in denial, disassociated or distracted , hurting under the weight of their own anxieties. I hope we can help each other find freedom from these anxieties by being places of refuge for one another. Not pointing out where our friends need to hide or stay invisible.
I’m the 44 year old Jess. Life will try so hard to smash that childlike spirit. You may go through dark days and lose all hope. But then you wake up and don’t give a crap anymore. And then you get to be free. I started unmasking last year and lost my marriage and everything I thought I was and wanted to but it’s like a second coming of age for me. Now I get to grow up again and find a new self.
As a late diagnosed autistic woman (I'm 36 and I found out this year) this makes SO much sense to me and clears out so much of the confusion I had around my relationship with other women. I kept nodding my head with every sentence and felt so seen, thank you so much for this!
I love watching your videos cause as an autistic women they’re always something I can fall back on if I experience a blow to my self esteem and start resorting to masking that ultimately harms more than helps in these moments. Your content just so candidly reminds me that the way I interact with the world is not something that’s wrong or needs to be hidden. It’s really cathartic and I really love how you put these experiences into words I resonate allot with your perspective.
Every single one of the loft's characters represent a different type of neurodivergence. Nick is so adhd coded. I feel like a combination of Jess and Nick (AuDHD). I remember watching this show as a kid and relating to Jess so much, only to be diagnosed as Autistic and ADHD ten years later!
I’m actually autistic and I act more like Julia. I don’t like being in people’s personal space and vise-versa. And most girls mistake that as being mean lol I don’t smile a lot and I enjoy my alone time. I would honestly lose my mind if I had a roommate like Jess 😄
Your analysis is really interesting. I have social anxiety and I'm kinda harsh with myself the way you analysed Julia gave me a new perspective on how sometime I can appear cold to people I don't know much because I'm scared and thinking they are gonna be mean with me when sometimes it's actually not the case
I love that this situation turned out good. I have this experience so often and it's always about men and my interactions with men, or the way I approach women in a very open and exiteable way. I suddenly realise why almost all my attempts to talk with other women go wrong... I think it happens a lot more as an audhd person when I try to talk to autistic women who find my openness to talk to them as suspicious. It makes sense that any women NT or autistic distrust me since I remember at school I would often get approached by other girls whose intentions were to bully me and draw out information, and they would do this by approaching me in an overly positive and enthusiastic way. It's almost a kind of lovebombing and it has undertones of sarcasm and condescension. I can understand how after being exposed to that so much that other women would distrust my enthusiasm and warmth, and see negativity in my actions and words. Men however I don't have this experience with, the only men who do react like that towards me are the sort of misogynists who believe that women should be 'demure' and subdued. I notice a lot of women are very subdued in their interactions in order to protect themselves. Like Jess, this is something I just can't do, and on top of that don't see why I should suppress myself. I can do it in moments where I feel unsafe, but I feel that this suppression runs a lot deeper in NT's and high masking ND's. It's why it makes sense Julia takes such a strong disliking to Jess, and I think she would regardless of whether there was a man involved though it certainly does not help. Julia probably really does envy her for being open, "how does she just get to be herself and be loved??". I know I have thought a similar thing myself about other women, especially when I masked more, and even if my masking never covered my adhd. But I do want to say that men are often a factor in this. It's why the pick me thing happens, it's all about men, and I think those who are very vigilant to pick me's are also in a strange way still centering men as they cant and don't wish to understand why a woman would want male friends, and expect women to devalue their friendships with men. It centers men because it refuses to understand the individual womans experiences, and instead reliea on misogynistic stereotypes about women and stereotypes about men. Julie expected Jess to devalue her friendship with her male friends despite Julia repeatedly being nasty to Jess. I often got faced with this when I had only male friends, I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. It was often assumed that I was sleeping with male friends, or I was using ex appeal to 'get what I want' from them, like how Julia accuses Jess of using her 'big frightened baby eyes' which refer to an assumption that men would always rather have someone they can infantilise, and that women who have 'childlike' behaviours are doing that to manipulate men. Its gross on so many levels. I am aware that many of my male friends were friends with me because they were attracted to me (I found that out the hard way), I also have male friends who have stayed with me for years. And yes some of them were attracted to me, but they remain friends with me despite that. There's many ways to be a friend, and it's not as if many friendships and friendship groups don't have erotic undertones to them even if no one ever sleeps with anyone. I've seen it a lot, but its not the rule just something that does indeed happen. I think the pick me thing does have misogynistic undertones to it, it assumes a lot about women's relationships with men, and men's relationships with women. It makes the misogynistic assumption that women are only friends with men for 'one reason' it perpetuates the manipulative woman stereotype, and the manic pixie dream girl stereotype, and makes it okay for other women to be misogynistic to eachother under the guise of feminism. It's very anti friendships between the two, and demands that we devalue our friendships with the men, as well as deny the complexities of relationships between the sex's, and the erotic undertones that can appear in friendships of all kinds. It wants to put people and their relationships in a box, and it was especially worrying to me when women who had 'masculine' interests were being called pick me's. People can argue about the origins of it being good all day, but since when did bullying people make them change. In fact I'd argue all pick me does is police women and make them more likely to conform to a very isolated femininity that demands a strictly feminine appearance and interests and a strictly heteronormative and gender essentialist traditional view of the relationships between men and women. It's important to remember that it is other women who mutilate babies private parts for patriarchal aims in certain cultures, it is mother's who pass down patriarchal views to their daughters. The ammount of gaslighting that goes on in relationships between women only helps this internalised misogyny carry on, the lack of honesty between women. As a woman, when a woman insults you in a way you and everyone else who was there knows is an insult, but in words comes across as a compliment, and you respond by directly confronting that insult, you get told that the insult wasn't there because the words carried the opposite meaning. That is gaslighting, and it happens constantly. Whenever we talk about the misogyny fueling 'pick me' and 'nlog' we are told its feminist, that we're routing out the 'bad' women by bullying them into submission. Yet its the bullies who point out the pick mes and nlogs the most, and those who see this condemned behaviour as a threat. Women who aren't bullies by nature would instead ignore these women and refuse to be associated with them instead. I must always ask the question, since when did rapidly bullying people regardless of whether they've done anything wrong *actually* work? It's the same tactics people use to shame women about things that are meant to get them to conform.
As an autistic woman I find that I attract fellow neurodivergent women that are super understanding and kind. Also my neurotypical friends are super understanding and supportive as well! I got really freaking lucky, the thing about them though is that they know what hardship feels like so I think their empathy is a big part for why we’re so close
this video was so beautiful and fun to watch! i’m not autistic but my sister is and i think growing up i watched how she acted and took some of that with because i struggle with a lot of the same things jess does and what you were talking about. i always realized not even minutes later but weeks what someone really meant and that the whole time they were just throwing the knives (lol). i think i also just trust people so blindly so i never think they’re actually being mean. this video found me at a perfect spot. i am like jess in so many ways because of how overly caring and girly she is which i think is absolutely not a weakness but a lot of people see it as such which makes for a lot of people treating me like a kid even though i’m 21! i know it’s not old but i feel like watching this and going back to new girl is gonna make me appreciate jess so much more! thanks for the great insights 🫶 you got yourself another subscriber!
I'm an autistic man who's never watched this show but I'm glad I watched this video. A lot of it isn't specific to autistic women, this has actually re-contextualised most of my secondary school experiences with women - and some men - outside my friendship groups.
I really enjoyed this video. I love your commentary explaining the show and dynamics! I struggle with female friendships and I'm now understanding all these subtleties. Please do more
It's amazing to me how philosophical and psychologically adept people with autism can become. I wanted to like this video about 5 times while watching just listening to Eilene's(?) Mind. I love it!! It's like the confusion of social interactions made PhD's out of the autistic community by the age of 15, while the rest of us were just living. They were analyzing, finding patterns, and making sense of it all. People with depth like yours are GEMMMSSSSSSSSS ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤. Sending you love!!! You're amazing and halarious! Video made me smile all throughout! 😊
I always related so much to Jess. This was my favorite show when I was a teenager. In this episode, I kind of felt like I related to both of them. Maybe a little more to Jess but the traumatized parts of me definitely related to Julia. I especially related to the scene at the end where she’s struggling with the yarn and just gets so mad at herself. Dyspraxia at its finest. 😂 I also feel like I used to gravitate towards being friends with men because they were easier to understand but the older I get, the more I gravitate towards being friends with women. I think it’s about finding the right women (other neurodivergent women) who understand you and appreciate you for who you are. Neurotypical women are just a nightmare for me but honestly so are neurotypical men. Maybe it’s just easier to find neurodivergent men to be friends with because they mask less. 🤔
As a NT who has a majority ND social group (including my then boyfriend at one point) I get what you mean. I grew up in a household that values direct communication and respecting people’s differences, and boy it was a rude awakening to learn that not all NT’s think that way. I think it’s because I don’t mind (actually prefer) someone to be blunt with me than be passive aggressive, and I will do the same in turn for people.
I have only ever liked being around neurodivergent people, both male and female. When I was younger I didn’t know we were all neurodivergent. I just thought we were quirky weirdos who were more interesting and who made sense. Looking back I realize we were all just neurodivergent.
Thank you for the reminder to drink water. I hate drinking water but I crushed an entire water bottle because of you 🙏 also I remember watching New Girl with my sister and her husband and they kept saying that I’m Jess. I love this show and I do connect so much with Jess. I’ve been wondering for a good long while if I’m autistic and I very much think I am. This show is very comforting for me because it represents that unmasked version of myself that I can’t quite seem to let live yet. I need some more therapy, I think
This video was awesome, I learned a lot. My family does this kind of stuff to me, and as a autistic man I really get confused to what hell is going on, thank you for these new lens
Watching this I feel 100% relating to you. I know I'm slow to process these things too and it has happened to me more than 100 times in my life. Sometimes I know they're throwing shades but I just don't know how to respond or even explain the situation to people. It could take days or weeks to slowly process and put words in simple conclusions. I need to write down and read what I wrote to map out everything. I always know I am an INFP. I still don't know if I'm an autistic. Still, there's something about me that makes it so hard to catch on to people, especially women.
getting evaluated for autism once i’m home for winter break, these comments are exactly why i’m considering it, i always just felt off but reading these comments i actually relate so hard
Back in highschool I didn't even know I was being bullied until years later I had a reunion with my highschool friends and they told me a tea about how my "bully" is doing now. I was so shocked because I thought she's my hi-hello friend. Now that I rethink every interaction I had with her and realizing it was all backhanded compliments. Ex. That time I was singing with our guitarist classmate and she said "wow, you're really making this your career" but I was like "yeah, I wanna be a singer" 😅 ghad I was so stupid for not seeing the shade on that one
I loved being able to sit and watch through this with you! It was like hanging out with a friend!! Never heard of this show before but it looks lovely.
I’ve been both girls at different stages in my life. I was so bitter and guarded in my teens after being bullied for my entire childhood. After my diagnosis a lightbulb went off. I’ve been slowly unmasking and it feels so liberating to just be myself.
Your discussing of processing speed has given me a bit of an epitome. I wad diagnosed ADHD in my early thirties a couple years ago. During the review of my evaluation results, I was told that, while ADHD brains typically show some degree of impairment with both short term memory and processing speed, typically their processing speed score is a bit stronger than their short term memory score. It was pointed out on my results that I have it the other way around - trouble with both, but stronger memory than processing speed. While the ADHD diagnosis has helped to explain a lot, I've come to wonder if perhaps I'm actually AuDHD. So many little things in your video were so incredibly relatable or were things I've actually said to others, like wishing people would be honest and direct despite temporary discomfort as opposed to being left in the dark. But you kept coming back to slower and/or delayed processing, which would add such an objective detail to these relatable/anecdotal points. Another bullet point on the slowly growing list of things that is gradually help me accept that autism might be part of my picture as I work towards being ready to actively pursue an answer. Thanks so much for sharing! And on a lighter note, I think I have a new show to check out.
I’m going through a friend break up right now and the process has been so confusing…. I’m having flashbacks to all the comments she’s said that were actually subtle jabs at me and it frustrates me so much that I didn’t realize it at the time bc I was still trying to connect with her 😓 I also get along way better with guys!! I wish I had more girl friends but it is really hard sometimes. And my bad experiences has made me shy away.
I’ve been diagnosed with adhd since I was 6. I love new girl so very much and I really relate to her, it is one of my comfort shows. There’s always been a teeny tiny voice in the back of my head saying “maaaaybe you’re also autistic.” My 14 year old is autistic and I believe my mother is. I don’t think it really matters if I get diagnosed because I am 36 and don’t personally need the validation of a diagnosis. But watching you dissect this episode was really cool for me. I think the difference for me is I understand pretty much immediately when what someone says has another meaning. Like when someone is being mean or when someone is feeling some kind of way. I can tell and I have a lot of rejection sensitivity. I do think when I was a child who was being bullied by the girls in my class I did not understand those things but would process and discover later that they were being mean to me. I’m not sure if being able to understand invisible social dynamics is something I learned how to do very well through experience or that’s just something that happens with age.
This also reads low key as internalized homophobia. To me it seems like Julia is maybe a little bit attracted to the qualities that she likes in Jess, but instead of just having a happy healthy friendship with her, she is disgusted with the parts within her that are attracted to those qualities, so she attacks her because she doesn’t understand their relationship.
Right off the bat Jess is trying to be friendly and kind in the bathroom and she gets a reaction like she is weird from Julia, twice. While Schmidt is rude and abrasive and Julia has basically a playful interaction with him. This is SUCH a real thing. I am constantly confused about why my genuine attempts at kindness seem to give people the ick while snarky stuff from others seems welcomed.
but then when you try the snarky stuff they get upset...
Maybe you're trying too hard and it comes off as fake
if people decide to dislike you they just will
A lot of our society raises and oppresses women to be "nice" at all costs as a means of survival. So it's difficult for many women who have seen the mask slip consistently on women who they thought were "happy and nice," but it turns out they were faking to survive. (Ex seeing our mothers burnt out and neglected as they mask with an image of perfection to the outside world) It can really ruin our ability to take overt acts of "nicess" or "selflessness" at face value.
@@addangel yes! It's very important for us autistic people to recognize that sometimes people do *not* like us and nothing we do will change that and it's okay. It's just part of life, there are people I don't like for no real reason besides just not wanting to be around them and that's okay too.
So glad you touched on autistic women realizing that friendships with men are often easier, and them being accused of being a pick me.
Yes! This has always been my experience too, trying to build more friendships with like minded women and not chasing connections with people who act like Julia
Wonder if the other way applies as well. I personally know someone who (was born as) male and they get on so much better with women.
Interesting.. As an Audhd I never felt very safe with either gender, if they were neurotypical it just meant I was odd man out 😂 Very early friendships with males were maybe a little easier to come by
@@ratlinggull2223it does. A lot of people with autism find cross gender friendships easier during childhood and adolescence. I don't think the effect is as pronounced during adulthood.
Tbf, I wouldn't be surprised if the friendships were with other neurodiverse people.
I always found that during adolescence I didn't relate to other girls and girly things and the focus on boyfriends and being attractive. Ironically, the platonic friendships with guys was almost always percieved as having a romantic component by outsiders
I feel I need that there is a "possiblity of sex", even if we would never, I get super werird around girls and feel like there should be some sort of sexual tension??!?? Super werid, I might be the only one who thinks like this :( But anyway, I feel I can also be more gross with guys because they are grosser idk
The polkadot thing is so real... I also feel like people sometimes misinterpret my genuine compliments as passive-aggressive for this reason. It's so frustrating
I had this issue and the thing that solved it is by leaning into the cheese. Instead of trying to give a normal compliment “You wear a lot of polka dots” I complete the compliment by saying “You are such a beautiful original person and you rock a polka dot better than anyone I’ve seen.”
Do that enough and people are like “Huh this weird girl gives genuine ass compliments, that shit is delightful”.
People also LOVE it if you notice things about their personality so you can weaponize that neurodivergent pattern recognition shit.
“You know what I love about you? You’ve got this amazingly cute polka dot aesthetic - you pair different patterns so well, and pairing these different patterns comes so easily to you but even stylists struggle with that. But I love how it juxtaposes your interests. You listen to scary ass true crime podcasts so you’re like this badass fearless hardcore person but aesthetically you’re so friggin cute! I love people who are complex and layered like that.”
@@thekatvita "You wear a lot of polka dots" is not inherently a compliment, though. It's an observation.
@@360shadowmoon It can be an insult, a compliment, or an observation. It helps to understand that Neurotypical and Neurodivergent brains are different and have their own strengths and limitations.
Neurotypical brains tend to place a lot of value and importance into social acceptance and fitting in. This can be a positive - Neurotypical people tend to build pretty strong social connections and the world is designed around them, so their needs are, in a lot of ways, the needs of society.
Telling a neurotypical person that they do something different than everyone else (wear a lot of polka dots) can be an observation and totally interpreted that way - but in a lot of ways, it can be telling this person "hey person with brain preoccupied with social cohesion - you're failing to fit by the social standard, just thought you should know". A comment like this can cause an interruption in the Neurotypical brain...Largely because Neurotypical conversation does involve a lot of delving into the deeper meanings of what people say and what they mean by what they said.
So an observation like that can cause distress, not unlike if you were to interrupt a Neurodivergent's person ability to meet their own personal needs, like pointing out every time they were stimming. In many ways you'd likely interrupt the flow of the stim, decreasing the stim's effectiveness of soothing that person. Neurotypical flow tends to happen when they maintain social cohesion effectively - they get a lot of mental ease from things like fitting in, communicating with peers (including body language), and having a good understanding of their place in social settings.
@@360shadowmoon In the neurotypical world, not doing things the way everyone does them is usually an insult UNLESS it's a compliment. The ability to accept things neutrally by Neurotypical people is a marker of high development and maturity - it means that person has a strong sense of self and is secure in the value of their current social connections that a possible pointing out of not fitting in doesn't mentally challenge that for them.
It doesn't help that neurotypical culture also promotes politeness through "softer language". Observatory language "hey you do X a lot" is often used to "correct" a social failure - and this tactic is learned from a young age from parents and authority figures. Some cultures, like those in the American South, particularly employ this indirect language to correct social failures. The phrase "Bless their heart" comes to mind.
At the core of all neurotypical interactions is the need that the person feels accepted and valued. Observations can cause overthinking in all but the most secure neurotypical individuals unless they come from a particularly literal and direct culture... And neurotypical individuals experience an autistic-esque culture shock when they move from one culture to the next. Many Eastern Europeans experience being seen as rude for the first time in their life after moving to places like North America. Likewise, they may be confused by the fact that their North American friend, who makes mere observations (like other Eastern Europeans might) is rejecting all initiations of hanging out and spending time together. They soon found out that they missed a social cue in the exchange. Their North American friend was saying "stop that" when it sounded like "hey this is a thing" to their ears.
That's why my motto is do not perceive anything unless it's a positive. And if it is a positive thing I'm seeing in that person, lay on the cheese so that they're certain that I'm accepting them socially.
When neurotypical people feel accepted socially by someone, they give a lot of grace for any differences in communication between you two. You build a network of social trust, putting the neurotypical person in a calm state, and the good people will return the favour by understanding your communication patterns and assuming the best about your intentions. They essentially learn "Tim is an accepting person. Tim likes me. What Tim said sounds insulting to my ears if it was said by anyone but Tim, but Tim has been kind to me thus far. Let me clarify with Tim on what he meant before I get upset".
@@thekatvita so this confirms what I said, which that the statement about wearing polka dots is not inherently a compliment
I feel like jess could also fall into the pickme girl trope by accident but the thing that differentiates jess and julia is the fact that julia is consciously bringing jess down for being feminine, which makes julia the real pickme in this situation.
I think that’s why a lot of us disliked Julia at first. It’s just gross to put down other people who are just existing differently than you, especially if you know what it’s like to feel weird and different. I’m glad Julia comes around in the end though.
She did not look down on her for being feminine, Julia was very feminine because femininity is a performative standard, she dressed feminine and wore makeup. She wasn't an overtly polite people pleaser which is something enforced into women through socialization sure, but if that's your standard for femininity then most people do not meet it. She was judging Jess because she perceived her traits as self infantilizing and her hyperfeminine style as inauthentic sure, but not for performing femininity only. They both judge eachother at some point in the episode for their lack of compliance or their adherence to gender norms.
We need to drop the "pick me" insult. No one agrees what it means anymore and it's mostly being used to put women that don't conform with feminine standards/expectations down
I don't think you can be a "pick me" by accident. She's just being her authentic self... nobody deserves to be labelled a "pick me," even by accident, when they are just being themselves.
@@mist3995 funnily enough, it's also used to put down those who DO conform to those standards... nowadays, when more traditionally feminine women express their traditional femininity, by wearing pretty dresses and cooking and having conservative/traditional values, they get called pick-me's and everybody says they're just trying to cater to men to get male attention.
It's so absurd. I totally agree with retiring the phrase, for the most part. I do think there are some people for whom the phrase is a valid description, but it's very rarely used appropriately. It's almost always just one woman hating on another women for either liking men or doing something that men like.
Looking back im so glad i was so naive in school, i didnt realise all the bullying i went through
Same
same, but it's so sad to look back at what i thought were real friendships and realising it was ppl making fun of me
Idk, I went through the same thing. I wish I could’ve understood the situation better. The bullying left scars and the confusion only made everything much worse. I’m glad I understand now but man, it was such a pain in the azz
Samesies, I just recently realized that I was heavily isolated and left out on purpose... But I read all the time so it didn't really bother me, I thought they were leaving me alone to read in peace lol
It was a way God protecting us too…through our naive minds and pure hearts
XD the tampons-comment I don't even consider weird. Like Jess wanted to let her know, that whenever Julia is in need of one, she doesn't need to worry.
Same. Like "if you need one, you don't need to ask - they're everywhere". Like how I tell my friends where the snacks are when they come over. :')
"your girlfriend's not a dessert person" the bomb she knew he needed to hear lol
I've also had a problem with a lot of the hate against "pick me's" because I've seen people respond to "Im not like other girls" with "Im exactly like other girls" like that's the only correct answer. What about those of us who genuinely feel alienated by other women? We want to understand and be included but have never been able to. I agree that putting down other women in order to get male attention is disgusting. But I feel like the neurodivergent girls are getting caught in the cross fire. I'm such a girls' girl, but that doesn't mean that I have an easy time connecting with other women.
I definitely agree with this sentiment, but I saw a video recently that used more concrete examples than just those of conforming to femininity. For example) I laugh like my mother, I cook eggs the way my grandmother taught me, I listen to music my best friend showed me. This recontextualized the "I'm just like other girls" phrase for me in a way that felt much more meaningful, relatable, and powerful.
This!
Thisssssssss!
You're not alone! So technically you could be exactly like other girls, neurodivergent girls.
I think this comment misunderstands the sentiment of “im just like other girls”. Its not about fitting in perfectly and always easily connecting with other women. Its about not creating a divide that puts down an entire gender while trying to simultaneously elevate yourself because you’re “one of the good ones”. I say all this as someone who has always had a hard time integrating with people (but especially neurotypical women)!
I don’t know how this got into my suggested queue but - I’m so glad it did.
I am close friends with an autistic woman and we are so close that she calls me “sis”. A lot of neurotypical people around me think it’s “strange” that we are friends. I don’t understand why. She’s the most genuine friend I’ve ever had and as someone who has a brother that is autistic- I wish he had altruistic neurotypical friends that he could make authentic friendships with and that would look out for him.
She’s not like any other female friend I’ve ever had - and I love and celebrate that about her. After I moved away after college, she came to visit and was very fixated on going to the beach. We got there very early in the morning ( she insisted it was the first thing we do together) and when we arrived she looked at me so earnestly and said “ what was the bench you sat on with your mom before she died ? Let’s sit together and make new happy memories.” And - if that doesn’t tug at your heartstrings and show the true love of a friend, I don’t know what does. She’s a blessing and all neurotypical people should be so lucky to have a “sis” like her. 🥹
Ufff this got me! 🥲
You are so insightful, as soon as you likened Julia to a high masker my brain said YES, I also used to find myself feeling weirdly resentful of people who were openly being their weird selves when I was quashing so many of my own instincts! I love these videos!
dame honestly. Such an eye opening quote
Completely shook me. I had to do some serious introspection.
Girl fights are always so carefully crafted with multiple layers of context.
I think this is because of the patriarchy, how women were (and are) viewed as innocent and pure, as objects for men. In order to survive basic life, women had to constantly be in men's favour. That meant being perceived as nice and kind all the time, even when fighting.
Making conflicts between women seem invisible to men was a survival mechanism. To be able to manipulate how the situation is seen by the guys and stay in their favour, defined who got to survive.
I wish this wasnt the case. I think this kind of behaviour has deprived men of seeing women in their full multifaceted natures and resultantly they see women more as objects without that full range of humanness in a way. Like they dont see that aspect so they never learn to consider it when thinking about women. Not sure if this makes sense.. 🤔
Yes exactly!! That’s why it’s so much more subtle and has lots of plausible deniability. Society harshly punishes women who handle conflict like men.
I agree. My mom tried to passive aggressively brow beat me into submission but I always spoke my mind. She learned to keep her aggression to herself in public because I might just say what I’m thinking. I didn’t care about being perceived as particularly docile or pleasant all the time, much to my mother’s humiliation.
Women are more likely to use manipulation and psychological attacks because they're less physically strong than men and we're socialized differently.
As a Latina that lived in Japan for awhile, I always compare girl on girl conflict versus guy on guy conflict with Japanese versus Latin conflicts.
Girls, just like Japanese people, need to be more manipulative to bully others duo to extreme social norms, so it’s much more careful and often harder to be combative back, because of how carefully crafted it is.
Guy conflicts, just like Latin conflicts, is simpler, quicker, cus there’s less social bs. Though is more aggressive and can be more physically dangerous.
Terrible guys and Latin people may kill you, terrible girls/Japanese people may make you consider killing yourself. People suck ✨
This video was good. I could never get into New Girl growing up, I felt like I kinda hated it. But after listening to your analysis I started to really get the humor in it. I think the show used to make me feel too emotional because I hated seeing Jess being constantly misunderstood and having to explain herself. I almost wanted to cry when Julia was telling Jess that her whole personality is basically a facade to manipulate others because I have heard that about myself so many times. But, thanks to your guidance, by the end I was enjoying the clips. So thank you for the video!
While I agree that Jess can be misunderstood and I’m no fan of Julie, Jess did overstep boundaries a lot in the show she almost has no character development, season 1 Jess and season 7 Jess are the same she had little to no growth as a character. I wouldn’t call her a pick me but her overstepping and lack of respect for other people’s boundaries got annoying to watch
Me too. I am choosing to be single now because the biggest issue I’ve run into is falling into manic pixie dream girl territory wherein I’m just being myself and the man I’m dating doesn’t understand that I’m a real human and not a tv character. Then they inevitable reject me the moment I turn off or unmask. I’m have yet to meet a man who is ok with me fully unmasked. I did have one best friend (a woman) who was the absolute best ever, but she passed away some years back. I heard that they used to have apps for meeting other autistic people to be friends with, but then I found out they don’t exist anymore. We need that again 😂
@@DaughterofDiogenes That falling into the manic pixie dream girl trope because of neurodivergence and "weird" hobbies and traits and men being attracted to that but then immediately resenting you when they find out you're a real person and not something to be idolized and worshipped is SO REAL. And sorry for you loss
Heh I feel that ':) I can't watch King of Queens because they fight constantly and it's hard for me to watch Big Bang Theory because everybody is so mean to Sheldon.....
@@dn3305 what? everybody caters to Sheldon and he makes 0 allowances for other people 😭
That was so well said- the only way to connect with them was by hating yourself. That hit.
One of the things I’ve found actually kind of derails passive aggressive attacks is responding affirmatively and cheerfully as if there wasn’t subtext to what was said and then no longer attempting to connect with that person moving forward. So for example, once an acquaintance was passive aggressively like “ohhhh are you a hypochondriac?” After I mentioned I got an mri to make sure my extreme headaches weren’t a sign of something underlying, and i basically disregarded the hypochondriac question and was like “gosh it’s tough, I have a higher risk of (insert serious medical issue here) because my dad has (insert predisposing medical issue here) and there’s apparently a link between those things and I really just wanted to make sure!” Which made it difficult for the passive aggression to continue its trajectory because that would make the acquaintance “look” more mean. And at the time I genuinely just answered in a literal way because that’s usually what I default to, especially when I sense weird vibes, and then afterwards I journaled about it and realized she was trying to entice me into a passive aggressive spat where I might react defensively. Because reacting defensively is when you “lose” because your reaction can be twisted and used to gaslight you. And one thing I notice with relationships of all genders but especially women is that people feel more powerful if they have the ability to reject someone else’s desire to connect. So if you just don’t have an interest in connecting with them after but also don’t have anything mean to say it removes that power.
Holy shit you just handed me the best weapon to defend myself in social battlefields like this one
Exactly. You gotta act naive and kind in return and it'll expose their attempt at trying to trigger you. Sometimes, they'll even try again to make their point clearer that they had an ill intention, but you just do it again, and you will see them get frustrated and give up, because otherwise they will completely expose themselves lol. It's the only way to counter troll behavior, even though one might be tempted to bite back.
@@ZeonGenesis I found that replying literally and earnestly also wins against sarcasm. Using sarcasm against someone only works when that person recognizes it as such and reacts accordingly. If they reacted like you said, naive/literally and kind, and taking the other person's words at face value, the sarcasm falls completely flat.
Wow so many neurotypicals are so power hungry its scary.
Lol high-school me did this without even realizing😅 I just had little interest in befriending other girls, and when they did talk to me I was just kind and literal. Female bullying can't exist in a vacuum. If you just don't fuel the flames, it dies pretty fast.
I loved this video and all the insights! When Jess said "you can't monopolize the bathroom crying space" I died laughing. Thank you! Being a girl with autism and putting in so much effort, care, and thought into making someone (especially girls) feel comfortable and like you and not think you're weird and then 70%+ of the time they still end up mistrusting you or thinking somethings wrong with you... It's exhausting and so painful. Boundaries and consistency is the only way to end the cycle in my experience. I've realized adjusting my behavior to match someone's reactions to me only makes me seem less predictable to them and burn myself out.
I cried watching this. It brought back so many moments where I'm trying to earnestly make a connection, but getting insulted on the DL. The delayed processing is so real.
How can I help my child recognize this? She's young elementary age now, and the girls are already starting making comments, my kid talks to me about it after the fact kind of checking if it was weird. She doesn't want to lose friends and wants to not stick up for herself. Ugh this is so hard.
@Beepbopboop19 I'm so sorry to hear that. It's really tough. Is there anyway you can speak to her teacher? Or the other kids' parents? Keeping busy with my hobbies has helped me and helped build my confidence. Maybe that can help her connect with like-minded people? Having a safe space has also helped me. Unfortunately kids can be really mean and can judge what they don't understand.
@@autumnlover12358 thank you. This is helpful.
6:00 hurt. I've encountered a times where someone thought my personality was some sort of "act". Extremely frustrating when me being authentically myself is seen as fake somehow. Also, physical appearance being tyed in so concretly, perfectly exemplifies how extremely shallow many people are, and there's no avoiding that 😵
And there’s no getting past that! Once someone thinks you’re fake or an “act” anything you try to say or do to convince them otherwise is just you being more “fake” in their eyes! At least in my experience. All I’ve been able to do is back off from those people, nothing else works.
yessssss thank you for representing people like me. i am so 'ditzy' and people infantalise me for it but its just my autism lol
Me too. And I'm almost 60!
@@marilyn3711 I love that 💜 thank you for showing us how it's done 💃 il be 60 and just as dizty lol. At 28 I'm learning it ain't going anywhere 😂
Hahahaha I love these comments and feel so seen 🥰🥰🥰 I’m 53 btw 😂
@@nmg6248 squad goals 🙌
My female parent was a deeply angry, but very adult person.... My aunt on the hand rolled in grass, laughed like a loon and snorted. Both of them pay their bills and I took after my Aunt on purpose and I'm happier too.
I struggled to get into New Girl at first because something about Jess just being weird made me feel uncomfortable until I realized it’s because she’s acting the way I wish I could act.
Honey just act this way then !! Life is too damn short to muffle down all the joy and enthusiasm you feel just because of some daunting social norms of forced neutrality and "middle of the road" behaviour !
@ I’ve loosened up quite a bit in recent years. I am pretty free and silly and fun with friends and my partner now. I struggle mostly to be myself around people I don’t know well or family members who cause me to feel anxious and judged. I’m in therapy now and really working on not feeling the weight of anxiety about what other people feel and to not be so depressed and worried all the time.
Jess annoyed me so much at first when I was watching the show 10 years ago. now, looking back on it I think it was for this exact reason. and also because she is so girly, which I find intimidating 😅
This is all so healing and relatable. Neurotypical women (including my mother) have been calling me "aggressive" since childhood. I really disagree with passive-aggression being superior or less violent. Covert violence is still violence. I have had many male close friends, despite desperately wanting female friendship, because of this. Although, male identified neurotypicals still have some of these double-speaking ways. I also find my hobbies, interests, ways of being get judged by women who think them disingenuous. Much like Jess, the harder I would try to show my excitement and support of women, they often tend to find my enthusiasm strange or tonally incorrect. Although, autistic women with "male" interests can be viewed as "pick-me" esque, I actually find the idea that women need to behave in specific ways to be acceptable to be far more cis-het-male-gaze-coded.
I think I've unintentionally sought friendships with neurodi ergent women.
I feel like you and I would be friends if we met :)
14:07 Cece will forever be the best and most supportive friend ever
“Invisible fighting” is the reason why I developed a special interest in behavioral analysis because I’d be uncomfortable after interactions and couldn’t figure out why, learning this way gave me a way to explain to people what exactly is happening in a way that can be seen rather than needing that extra area of intuition. I haven’t been diagnosed with autism but I am neurodivergent and this has helped a lot. 💛thanks 💛
You just managed to validate a real deep wound I have about girl friendships and I am near crying. :( Thank you
Girl, same. Being rejected by other women is so devastating. Know you are not alone. Sending love and a big girl hug.
I felt so bad for Jess watching this. Friendships are difficult. :( I’m really enjoying the reactions to New Girl. I would not have known about this show otherwise.
This entire video has me on the brink of wanting to cry but not hard hitting enough to the point where I get to tears. I feel so seen, heard, felt, EXPLAINED.
Same ❤
i only just now got diagnosed autistic but it's kind of ridiculous how many autistic coded characters i relate to and how long it took me to accept it lol
Welcome to the fam! ❤
I so desperately want to be offered a blanket everywhere I go I’m always cold that’s so kind of Jess
I don’t know if this is just a UK thing but here we call those compliments that feel like an insult a “back handed compliment”
We have the same thing
When you're trying to tell a guy or anyone else for that matter about a "girl fight"/invisible fighting you have to give backstory is what I've learned. They need the context to see the fight for what it is.
This series is so healing for my inner child. I was more like Jess in school and it got sort of beaten out of me.
This is blowing my mind. My entire life I would get this feeling of “this person just wants me to hate myself-there’s nothing I can do to make them hate me less”. And I would never understand why people would act like this the second we got close, and yet the more I tried to humor them the worse the treatment would get. People have only ever shown me respect if I successfully call out their problem with me, WHILE seeming like I’m not upset at all lol. It makes it hard to go into making new friends with the eagerness I used to have.
Man this hit deep. I feel like this all the time. 🙃
Especially around family, and more specifically around SOME of the women in my family. 😭💔
When you’re calm and call it for what it is and then ask how they feel, they always don’t understand where this is coming from or they cry. And I’m sitting there like: not the perpetrator being hurt??? 😐
I’ve learned many ppl want control or power. Most social rules are regressive, stagnant, unhealthy and absurd and its beating everyone’s 🍑 NT/ND in all demographics and situations. Why do we keep agreeing and perpetuating it? I decided to unmask more than ever. I’d rather 🪦 with some semblance of freeness than a repressed shell with no sense of who I am.
It's tough to admit, but I've always been a bit of a Julia 😔 When I was younger I wasn't very good at masking, so I got a lot of feedback that I was weird. I embraced being weird rather than trying to fit in, but also developed a real superiority complex around that where I looked down on other women for exhibiting what I saw as performative femininity, rather than accepting that other women just like girly things and that's no different than me liking the things I like. I really fell into the "not like other girls" mentality, not because I wanted to impress men, but because other women were confusing and intimidating to me and that made me feel insecure, like I was just on a different wavelength to other people and we weren't able to comprehend each other 😕 I still struggle not to be judgemental of feminine women, but at least now I'm aware that that feeling isn't really about them, it's just my own knot of insecurity reacting that way and I just have to acknowledge it and put it to one side 😅
this is so real man 😢 i didnt get over the judgment thing till i met my current best friend who is so so genuinely smart and feminine. she adored that i was kind of callous and unkowledgeable about feminine stuff lmao but over the years ive softened because of her. she loves pink and everything kind of traditionally feminine but shes authentic and she loves me. now ive come to unsuppress my feminine side too and im just a lot more well rounded. shes amazing i love her so much ❤
I think when I was younger I had some resentment towards Jess because I saw myself in her, but I didn't let myself be authentic like she does. Loved your analysis here.
Yea that is probably because we dont look like her 😊
Loved this so much! Loved Jess practicing “Your honour” over and over, I rehearse lots of things before I say them too!
On the subject of being misinterpreted, it happened me once and caused a huge fallout that included family and lasted 3 years. It was hell and I was so angry it ate me up inside. being misunderstood / misinterpreted is why many of us autistics tend to overexplain ourselves so much, so people grasp our meaning. It really is like we are speaking two different languages. I notice now with my husband and son, they use subtext and I dont and we have lots of situations where I dont get what they are saying.
I worked in a care home last year, and they’re a mine field of female interactions. I never ever knew if I should zig or zag. Every day was a struggle talking to my coworkers, even about the most mundane things. I couldn’t mention the weekend because they worked them, I couldn’t discuss my family struggles with my Nana in hospital because they’d seen worse, I couldn’t talk about meals out because they’d couldn’t afford them. So many traps.
I was in charge of activities, and one of my responsibilities was tidying/organising the Christmas decorations. They were a MESS. So I rolled the lights onto cardboard and labelled ‘750 lights, white light, 10m cord’ or something to that effect. So that anybody could go to the decorations and unpack them next year knowing exactly what they had. Seemed logical to me.
While I’m untangling another tree (of the nine I had to do) two women are stood at the other end rolling up what I’d untangled. One says to the other ‘oh yeah this looks like 825 lights don’t you think’ ‘oh no I think it’s more like 647’ .. I smiled and just said ‘it’s a 750 roll’. They laughed to each other, dropped the lights and walked out. It took me a good few minutes to realise they were taking the piss out of my labelling the light rolls. I’d thought I was being mindful of the next person doing the lights and I also thought they were being nice to me by helping with the roll. Nope.
It was like a punch to the stomach, and I was hit by a weeks worth of interactions that were mostly them being horrible to me without me realising it.
Mine. Field. 😊
My whole life I thought I was just the problem, then I have realised at 40 I’m just autistic and it was bullying.
The delayed reactions be insane. Because you’re just living and they’re playing mind games. Just how it’s second nature for you to just be. Same for them playing games. But many numb themselves because deep down they know it’s not right to make you the scapegoat of absurd social rules and hierarchies.
My baseline of communication, respect and consistency is met with looney tune twilight zone level reactions that I have to realize it’s because I haven’t really ever masked. Then you add societal standards of “beauty” and “talent” then it’s like I just want to be left alone. Can’t rip this “please react to my kind humanity with any viscerally absurd projection” off my back.
I take a lot of breaks from people. I love my own company. Other times I take walks, creative endeavors, learn my brain more and wear my favorite outfits which are my favorite colors and compression but people think I’m asking for attention.
I would’ve been so pissed if they were undoing all that work you had just gotten finished with. And who makes fun of labeling items?? That’s so stupid. Unorganized people don’t deserve your efforts babe I’m sorry 😢
I think the female friendship thing reaches another level of confusing if you’re a queer woman, aro/ace/lesbian/bisexual comes with a whole other set of unspoken rules and taboos. Like I’m a bisexual woman married to a man and I make friends with men as easily as with men, sometimes more easily with men since I grew up with brothers and learned their social cues/rules. But then I run into the problem of people misconstruing my friendliness and enthusiasm for a new friend as flirting, ESPECIALLY men. It creates this uncomfortable dynamic with so many people, especially other married couple friend. I do best with other queer neurodivergent friends but most of those people can’t relate to my experiences with marriage and having kids. I’m also living in Utah, the vast majority of other stay at homes moms are well… you can imagine.
It’s a weird space to be existing in, I’m having some success with my D&D group of friends but I still run into the same old problems I’ve had my whole life in making and maintaining friendships 😢
It fascinates me how dnd is out there uniting neurodivergents everywhere
@@BrasilianStormagedon it’s a structured, scheduled way to make friends as an adult. I highly recommend it! I’m very lucky to have found the group I did
Not unique to people w/ASD I think, if you’re a woman or femme presenting person. If you talk to them for more than 60seconds it feels like there’s always a 70% chance that they’re gonna take from that, “ I have a shot w/ X” 😂
Vice versa, I've had a lot of girls assume I'm flirting, or "interested" in them, or trying to hit on them - just being nice/trying to make friends. x.x
Then, other people think nothing of exactly the same.
ND married aromantic lesbian mom here... If I wasn't poly I wouldn't have any friends at all. I've met all my friends on Tinder 😂
Just wanted to say that watching this video really changed my perspective. New Girl has always been my comfort show, and seeing Jess just being herself-and how that resonates with autistic traits-really means a lot to me. Looking back, I've always felt most comfortable around gay male friends or straightforward female friends. I've never quite fit in with the usual "girl groups" and have often felt like the logical one who's a bit on the outside. Thank you for making this; it feels so validating.
this is such a fun video, it feels like watching tv with a friend, except nobody wants to talk this much with me during a show!!!
I can relate to both Jess and Julia. Julia is so hard on herself and carries resentment for those who feel like they can be themselves and don’t care about judgement as much. Julia is hung up on what other peoples thoughts COULD be. She makes assumptions and villainizes people to fit her narrative and stereotypes because it’s easier to believe that there is something wrong with other people’s thinking than her own. It’s harder to fix your underlying issues and shift your perspective. That’s something I used to struggle with a lot. Jess also does a lot of things to make Julia feel comfortable- she offers food, a blanket, and tries to connect on things they share in common like periods. Her attempts at reaching out were seen as weird to Julia, which also reminds me of my own experiences trying to connect with people who sense there is something off about me because it’s not the way they connect. Social interactions are hard and there are bits and pieces of both characters despite being so different, that remind me of myself.
Im still so oblivious when it comes to women-talk. One time, my "friend" said she makes fun of all her friends. It's an important part of friendship for her. I said, "you don't make fun of me!" She said, "not in a way that you'd pick up on it." Ouch.
oofff i hate bully banter. I can't imagine calling people names for fun. I always take it literally, I can't help it, even if they say it's a joke, I'm always afraid that it needs to come from somewhere truthful. Maybe not to some, if its an outlandish banter, then it can be funny... but everyone involved need to find it funny too... i once told a new friend i dont like the bully banter and she said that then she cant be herself or my friend. i said ok and then she went into guilt-trip mode. I okayed her behaviour for a year until I dropped it. Couldn't take anymore of her insulting everything I did.
That’s not your friend
@@bumbledee3346omg i have never related to something so much in my WHOLE life. i literally hate sarcasm because of this and what’s funny is how glorified bully banter is, i see it in movies and tv shows and people consume that and that’s what they think a healthy friendship looks like and it’s so infuriating because if you don’t find it funny you’re “stuck up” “think you’re too good for everyone” “don’t have a sense of humour” omg thank you for making me feel validated ❤
@GhostPepper410 heyy you're validating me just as much!
@ i don’t know where it’s mentioned in the video but she talks about this back and forth banter that people have when talking to each other…i used to feel so stupid because i couldn’t think that fast and the reason for that was because i didn’t know what was going on because they weren’t direct. i would feel so dumb and i would practice in my room to have witty quick banter. yes i agree with everything you just said
i love to see my fav show interpretted like this. the first time i watched new girl as a high-masking, undiagnosed AuDHD girl, it was hard to watch Jess because i saw so much of myself in her and was socialized to hate authenticity. rewatching it after years of growth, therapy, and finally accepting that i was neurodivergent, i saw Jess in a completely different light. She's my favorite character now and i have so much personal affection for how she lives her life as an openly autistic woman. this show did not deserve its dismissive "quirky girl" label of the 2010s..... autistic girls need this representation so badly
Jess is soooo relatable to me. Awkwardness but being extroverted and personality as a whole.
That's good that you got not so many push back from your social invorment that you started to repress things off you self. I wish i had that to
@ Awww I know you’ll find those people! It took me awhile❤️
Oh my god I am so eager to see this. I haven't been diagnosed but as someone who has struggled to navigate the dynamics with women since I was a child, I'm so intrigued to see what you have to say on the matter.
I've noticed some women have been very wounded by society and their parents shaming them for their feelings of fear, insecurity or sad feelings, and so they've learned to deny those parts in themselves, become cold and hardened in order to make it in a male dominated world, and so when they meet women who don't repress and deny those parts of themselves, they experience them as reminders and thus threats to their false selves that they believe they need in order to survive. That's what makes some women just very toxic toward other women and it's not surprising they then often prefer attention from men and will freeze out other women. They've internalized that social hierarchy and think being tough is their success. So personally, I will avoid those women and don't care that they don't like me, because yes, I am insecure, I am scared, I get sad, and that's the reality I live in and it's normal to feel that way, and I won't be mocked for it. There are plenty of kind, understanding women like Jess out there who don't make everything a competition for male attention or being the coolest girl, and we just gotta learn to flock towards those instead.
I think I’m a girl who has internalized many opinions of others and have become angry and cold because I freeze on everyone men and women, people scare me. I always analyze and judge myself and others. Or put others on a pedestal quickly, and freeze in social interactions because I don’t want to say the wrong thing because I’m judging myself. Even if I’m aware of that, it’s difficult to stop cause I’m always thinking and I hate it. I love the girls that don’t make anything a competition and are expressive, because I used to be like that, so it reminds me of myself :/ weird place to be in life 🫤
@@aldra8507 I used to be like that too. Time heals.
Also OP you nailed it 👍
I am weird in that all my friends and most of my loved ones are women, but I have issues creating friendships with women (mostly from being autistic nerdy and AroAce, so being misunderstood is my day to day). On the other hand I wasn't well socialized with boys, plus my relatives would instantly start shipping me with whatever kid spoke to me, so I grew a very deep aversion to spending time with them (again, AroAce). Not with adhd guys though (as long as they were kind and respectful) because they function much the same as my cousins, so I understand them on some level... with all the others it just feels like I have insufficient data in my brain library to know one way or another. And in my opinion guys are actually super covert with many things, sometimes they are repeatedly unkind even to their own best friends in ways I don't fully understand, like visible flinching and discomfort and fear/shame in their face, I CAN pick up on those emotions and empathise with them even if I don't get what's going on. And I am in STEM so I mostly witness male friendships now (although that didn't use to be the case). They hurt each other in a similar level to most bad/toxic female friendships I have seen... but they just go through with it forever and that seems to be their baseline. It might be that my baseline is too different to be comparable but if my friends treated me in such a manner I would rather not have any.
exactlyyyy ! men seem so mean to each other 😭
I’ve never related to something more. I only have sisters and have rarely bonded with males my whole life. I genuinely don’t understand how to at this point
I don't even watch New Girl but watching ur analysis of TV Shows really helps put a lot of the theories and features of autism into a real context. One of my fave vids for sure!
16:00 invisible neurotypical fights are a form of gaslighting. how exactly does one explain being gaslit when you're autistic and don't understand most of the subtleties happening in real time?
Omg you described the unspoken-ness of women's relationship perfectly!! When I try to explain to my boyfriend, I say the same thing as Jess did, "you just don't understand" then I feel like I'm the crazy one! Until I talk to my bff and she's like Cici. I've never been good at talking to a big group of girls bc of the jealousy aspect. I really feel for Jess here because I have tried so many times to become friends with women who just don't seem to like me.... hence why men are way easier to talk to in social aspects especially. I like they can talk about random stupid things and not just gossip, plus as someone who reacts with my facial expressions before my words, it's easier to avoid female relationships so I don't "offend" anyone. I give compliments, make them feel included and also am a gift giver, tried it from all angles. I'm approaching 30 now and have the friends I want and can sense when there's bad vibes...I probably would have stopped trying with Julia tbh and just been like "I don't know what I did to you :( " LOL
I was really caught off guard by how relatable this is for me
I have experienced so many of these issues with other women. It is beyond refreshing and validating to hear an honest and realistic perspective from a woman about this kind of conflict.
Thank you for doing this video, ive never come across anything talking about difficulties with girls. I've struggled with female-female interactions so much my whole life and have found it so difficult to navigate the social nuances and invisible battles. Its such an important part of a girls life because ive found other women have certain social expectations of other women, whereas women dont have these same expectations of men where they can get away with a lot more. Working in an office full of girls was very difficult for me because they expected me to act a certain way, which i didn't understand so they decided not to like me and to be against me. I'm so glad im at the age where i have more opportunity to choose who to interact with and try to accept the way i am when others don't.
This is exactly how I feel!!! Yes it is VERY difficult to navigate all the social nuances between women as a woman on the spectrum. I find it taxing. Like I have to be more careful how I say things and what I say. Women are more likely than men to take you or what you say the wrong way, and then turn around and gossip or hold it against you. I feel like with men I can just SAY things and they most likely won’t take it some sort of way or care. I also agree that women have different social expectations of men than they do with other women. I’m a nurse so I also work with mostly women.
Julia is me a year ago and for most of my adolescence and Jess is me as I’m healing and coming back to myself in my 20s
One time I started a new job and made a couple of work friends. A week in, we were sitting in the canteen and the guy one said "wow you're way smarter than you look. It's genuinely surprising". My response was (of course) "OMG Thank you ❤".
If the other work friend didn't call him out for it then and there, I probably wouldn't have figured it out for a long while. I'm still very grateful to her for it, especially since I wasn't a common occurrence for me to be defended by other women.
Didn't know I was autistic then but looking back at situations like these, I had so many "aha" moments it's actually embarrassing.
Thank you for another great video 💖🌸
The dynamic you’re talking about, is something my mom has done to me my whole life. The subtle, invisible underlying jabs that I don’t even get until much later. It’s so tiring. I am no contact now. I feel upset with her for never understanding me, and looking down on me. I’m one of those people who has had much more successful and longer friendships with guys. They don’t do that mind game stuff 😫 the friendships I had with women ended much more dramatically and were just so tough. And much shorter in duration. I’ve tried but it’s so damn hard.
I haven’t been diagnosed but I feel as though I do have autism. I can relate heavily with many things I learn about it, including this video. It hits hard when looking back and realizing how much I was being made fun of and thought people were laughing with me instead of at me. I’ve always loved keeping things positive and I realize how uncomfortable that has made people around me.
Now I’ve basically been through it so much I can tell a lot faster..and since I catch on more quickly, I’m deemed as “too sensitive”, even by family members. If they know I’m sensitive, it confuses me why they continue. If I act like I don’t care or don’t notice, it pisses them off even more.
Any way, I don’t want to dump my life on here but it’s crazy how relatable this is when there were many times I didn’t realize people were actually being mean and not playful.
In psychology the term for this sort of insidious bullying is “indirect aggression” as opposed to direct aggression which is more clear cut and overt. A lot of girls struggle with this behaviour, not necessarily because of neurodivergence, but because it’s designed to have degrees of plausible deniability. It’s usually packaged with gaslighting.
This is so triggering I missed all the social cues that you mentioned. I feel so disabled. And unsafe in social situations most of the time, because I can not understand passive aggressiveness and hidden things hidden meanings, and context which makes me feel really awful and helpless. I hope that one day maybe. I'll be able to learn how to communicate with neurotypicals. And feel more safe in this world..
Learning them doesn’t help you be more safe. It just makes everything hurt more. Take it from me.
Wait same! I’m actually surprised that this popped up on my feed because I just watched this episode for the first time a few days ago and I didn’t catch a few of the smaller jabs that she points out in this. Like the whole couch scene made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable but I didn’t catch the passive aggressive jabs like “here’s your blankie”. Which has thrown me because I thought I was getting so good 😭
This is such a Sidenote, but I really love the way your skin is looking rn. I’m in a not using skincare phase rn. It’s almost motivational.
When you get a word or phrase wrong, but it still technically makes sense, it's called an "eggcorn" I learned about that recently. It's your brain trying to make sense of what you're hearing in the right context without ever actually seeing the word or phrase written down.
I find these commentary videos so helpful because I often don't see these social nuances and meanings as an autistic person and it makes me appreciate (but also feel frustrated by) their complexities.
I also agree with similar comments below that this also means I didn't understand the difficult experiences I went through in school.
13:00 the main difference between genders is that women will be trying to be passive agressive about it immediately while men will hold it in for longer and they're more likely gonna be completely blind to it happening until they explode. So they're just as likely to be passive aggressive, just differently. the passive aggressivity is more a question of personality than socialisation per se.
The socialization difference between genders just impacts **how good** they are at doing it.
I've actually always found other girls and women easier to get along with. Those who want to be passive agressive I ignore and those who are fine with how i am, I get along with. Most of them actually liked that I didn't play mindgames. They knew how to play it in a way I never did but they didn't particularly liked playing it when they didn't have to.
Meanwhile with guys, as a tomboy who was too girly to automatically be one of the guys but too tomboyish to be like Jess I've had to "prove" stuff which was just a different way to be passive aggressive. So I ended up not making many guy friends because I had as little patience with guys than I did with girls.
It's more of a random thing of which one you had around you growing up. Like if you're gay but growing up in a big city vs in the middle of nowhere you're not gonna meet the same amount of /out/ queer people.
Girls' girls are a thing and I will not take this kind of slander against them
I have been trying to use "what do you mean by that?" more often if I feel off about comments that feel like insults. When i react less and ask them to elaborate, they usually don't have a response that sounds genuine. It makes it uncomfortable pretty quickly sometimes.
Advice needed!!:
I only recently discovered that I have a lot of high masking autistic traits and this video was very comforting to watch. I recently had an experience with a girl in my partner’s childhood friend group that was something I didn’t realize was a pretty similar situation to what happened in the video until now. I would consider myself a “girls girl” and don’t typically have a hard time making female friends but with this specific girl I’ve never been able to get past her general icy attitude towards me. My partner and I have been together for a little longer than 7 years and I’ve been essentially adopted into the friend group and have great relationships with everyone in the group, except for this girl. She was very distant and cold to me when I first got introduced to everyone and I just thought she’d need some time to warm up to me but it’s never happened. I have a particular interest in fashion and makeup and so I like to dress up frequently and she always makes comments about my outfits or makeup that aren’t necessarily bad or mean comments but they’ve never felt like compliments even though to others they might seem that way. For a Christmas party one year we both ended up wearing the same elf jumper that we both found at Walmart. I thought it was just a cute coincidence and made the comment of “great minds think alike or something” but she wasn’t amused and went and changed a few minutes later and avoided me for the rest of the party. I tried to brush it off again because she literally never acts this way with anyone else in the group and so I thought I was just reading into it too much. UNTIL, at this years Halloween party, I was dressed up as a character from Mean Girls and felt particularly cute and had got a lot of compliments on my costume when the girl came up to me and asked said “you always look so nice, do you dress up like this all the time for others?” I know it doesn’t seem like a mean thing initially but the way she said it was very mean natured and condescending. I just told her that I enjoy fashion and that doing my makeup is fun for me because I love drag and experimenting with new looks. She just laughed and walked away. I haven’t told anyone about this but it’s starting to really get to me. Should I confront her and ask if she had a problem? Like I said, she’s super nice and friendly with everyone else in the group so I feel like I’m going crazy but I seriously think this girl might hate my guts and no one would believe me if I said something about it.
Ykw show her the same energy back. If she approaches u, say mean things, say petty backhanded things back, talk to her in a cold way, give one word answers, don't give her a lot of info about yourself. If she says something abt the way u dress again, say sarcastic things like "wouldn't u like to know", "what does it matter to u", "you just wouldn't understand fashion even if it hit u", "jealous?", idk, just things like that! I know it's scary, but u should let out ur automatic sarcastic thoughts more. They usually don't like that and might steer clear of u. Can't join her, "fight" her like yeah say things back, with a cold tone, one word/sarcastic answers, make it obvious ur not looking at her and dont like her, and dont show her ur good energy, dont give nice proper responses, dont let urself show ur affected by her shit etc. I know it's not that easy to be mean back as a nd girl, I'm the same way... I'm too nice and even had to talk to Ai chats asking how to be mean or petty back and the chat started acting like i was gonna do something evil and didnt answer back saying it can't answer due to guidelines LMFAOOOOOO. But usually, when u match people's energy, they'll kinda be flabbergasted and don't expect it, so they might get the message and be a little intimidated, cus ur fighting back, or avoid u, or maybe be a lil more cordial lol. I hope this helps... ❤
The pointing things out things!! Yes!! I try to ignore the thing to gain social favour in a group, but it gets to a point where if it continues I just want to explode and I have to say something. That's a really good point though, people want to be ignorant to these things, so when you point out stuff people are trying so hard to dismiss and ignore, they get mad at you. I cannot stand blatant hypocrisy, double standards, willful ignorance, denial or when people just don't communicate when something is wrong
This was so fun and enlightening. It's given me a lot to think about. I definitely gravitated much more towards male friends as a teenager and had that misinterpreted as manipulative.
This! I had to walk away from a lot of friendships because guys wanted more.. You guys were all I had 💔
Definitely questioned my own intentions with power dynamics
As an autistic woman I relate to Julia so much more in this. Julia represents me unmasked. Unmasked I’m not going to fake enthusiasm to match Jess’s energy just because I sense she wants me to. The way she forced the blanket on her it’s like she had no time to firmly say no before a sensory overload of some new texture engulfed her. If I state I don’t want a cupcake and explain that it’s nothing personal and Jess insists on making me take one? That feels like invalidating my opinion and crossing a clear boundary I just stated. I relate to Jess in countless ways in every episode but this one I really felt for Julia. Jess being hospitable is my worst nightmare as a guest. I see Jess as the unintentional bully Julia is just being blunt. If I were Julia I wouldn’t want to make any friendships with the roommates. I’m there for nick and his roommate’s need to interact with me is not my problem. Nick was right it’s inappropriate for Jess to ask her for free legal help. It’s even more inappropriate to insist on a friendship.
ok well the reality is that if you’re seeing someone who lives with other people, you will have to interact with those people at some point (probably many times). it’s extremely rude to pretend they don’t exist and blow them off when they’re trying to have a friendly relationship with you because you’re in THEIR living space. they deserve to feel comfortable too considering the fact that a complete stranger is staying in their HOME, their one safe haven. i would not feel comfortable having someone i know absolutely nothing about and who refuses to even acknowledge my existence staying the night at my house. i would feel very unsettled by that, as would most people
@ good point but I think there is a lot of grey area between not acknowledging someone’s existence and being their friend. Julia says hi or at least something when she goes over she doesn’t ignore everyone, refuse eye contact and walk straight to nicks room. And Schmidt had girls over a few times and no one gets to know them or cares about getting to know them… I think Jess just cares because she loves nick lol
the actual problem is julia doing the backhanded compliments thing qnd being condescending. its the mind games. i dont think julia would have cared about the cupcake especifically
I'm so glad you made a video on this episode. I actually cry sometimes and feel discomfort and triggered while watching it. I had a friendship from high school end some years ago due to the constant battle like Jess and Julia were having. We decided to move in together and after 2 years of it, I had enough. We had a terrible dynamic anyway in high school when we were closer. I always felt like I was her second choice and that she looked down on me. When I say this I don't mean to seem full of myself but I sometimes felt she was jealous of me for whatever reason. Our friendship was messy and to be honest after our first year living together I felt like that never went away and I had hoped we got past that nonsense. The second year was me trying to stay sane and distance myself from her and it really became apparent once I started dating my now fiancée. Think of Harry Potter's cousin Dudley stomping up and down the stairs like a brat. That was her quite literally. Anyway, I am content with not being around that anymore but it still saddens me that it ended the way it did. Trying to talk to her and work things out when she was so hostile, I backed off and gave up. Even once she tried to scramble and open up to me, I listened but I wasn't going to stick around for that behavior.
I loved your take on this…. It’s cool to know other girls dissect and observe the show like this. Please do more New Girl videos
Oh my goodness you just had so much insight when you said the only way you could join someone like this is to make yourself small. There’s a member of my family that when I’m happy and it’s a parent so you expect they would be happy because they do care but when I walk in happy they get bitter and always say something wrong like there’s something I did wrong and they have a glum face and, everyone says oh they’re tired and cranky, but they do this to me only when I’m happy and I was thinking about that the other day like instead of me being so and going home and crying thinking about the fact that they’re really unhappy and projecting this onto me, but I don’t need to be around it
I had a friend for 13 years, which to be fair, it started out good, we were both very young and innocent at the time. But over the years I can see how weird and passive-aggressive he has become towards me. One night we were out with a group of friends of mine and he got jealous of the fact that someone called me "special". Not in a negative way. Just special. His initial reaction was to tell me to "not do that", as in not be myself. I was flabbergasted, to say the least. We don't speak anymore, but as a late diagnosed autistic woman, it can be extremely hard to tell the signs.
My first thought is perhaps he thought they were calling you “special” as an insult. He wanted you to to mask your true self so you wouldn’t draw attention or future insults.
This could be due to his own internalized ableism and possibly a history of being bullied. It could be a need to ‘save’ combined with a strong sense of justice.
I have a male friend who does things like this. I have reminded him that I don’t need a protector. He has troubles with his own sense of masculinity and worth. He was raised to never be “too much”. He is high masking and in denial.
I think a lot of us autistic women make friends with adhd or autistic guys (or bipolar, ocd) because we all share in the experience of being different to others. Many women learn how to navigate the social difficulties earlier and we end up helping our male friends out. But a lot of them stay in denial, disassociated or distracted , hurting under the weight of their own anxieties.
I hope we can help each other find freedom from these anxieties by being places of refuge for one another. Not pointing out where our friends need to hide or stay invisible.
I’m the 44 year old Jess. Life will try so hard to smash that childlike spirit. You may go through dark days and lose all hope. But then you wake up and don’t give a crap anymore. And then you get to be free. I started unmasking last year and lost my marriage and everything I thought I was and wanted to but it’s like a second coming of age for me. Now I get to grow up again and find a new self.
As a late diagnosed autistic woman (I'm 36 and I found out this year) this makes SO much sense to me and clears out so much of the confusion I had around my relationship with other women. I kept nodding my head with every sentence and felt so seen, thank you so much for this!
I love watching your videos cause as an autistic women they’re always something I can fall back on if I experience a blow to my self esteem and start resorting to masking that ultimately harms more than helps in these moments. Your content just so candidly reminds me that the way I interact with the world is not something that’s wrong or needs to be hidden. It’s really cathartic and I really love how you put these experiences into words I resonate allot with your perspective.
Every single one of the loft's characters represent a different type of neurodivergence. Nick is so adhd coded. I feel like a combination of Jess and Nick (AuDHD). I remember watching this show as a kid and relating to Jess so much, only to be diagnosed as Autistic and ADHD ten years later!
I’m actually autistic and I act more like Julia. I don’t like being in people’s personal space and vise-versa. And most girls mistake that as being mean lol I don’t smile a lot and I enjoy my alone time. I would honestly lose my mind if I had a roommate like Jess 😄
Maby she is a bit out there but i dont meet alot of lady's how are open en welcoming
Your analysis is really interesting. I have social anxiety and I'm kinda harsh with myself the way you analysed Julia gave me a new perspective on how sometime I can appear cold to people I don't know much because I'm scared and thinking they are gonna be mean with me when sometimes it's actually not the case
This is so validating. I didn’t know other girls went through this 😭
I love that this situation turned out good. I have this experience so often and it's always about men and my interactions with men, or the way I approach women in a very open and exiteable way. I suddenly realise why almost all my attempts to talk with other women go wrong... I think it happens a lot more as an audhd person when I try to talk to autistic women who find my openness to talk to them as suspicious. It makes sense that any women NT or autistic distrust me since I remember at school I would often get approached by other girls whose intentions were to bully me and draw out information, and they would do this by approaching me in an overly positive and enthusiastic way. It's almost a kind of lovebombing and it has undertones of sarcasm and condescension. I can understand how after being exposed to that so much that other women would distrust my enthusiasm and warmth, and see negativity in my actions and words. Men however I don't have this experience with, the only men who do react like that towards me are the sort of misogynists who believe that women should be 'demure' and subdued. I notice a lot of women are very subdued in their interactions in order to protect themselves. Like Jess, this is something I just can't do, and on top of that don't see why I should suppress myself. I can do it in moments where I feel unsafe, but I feel that this suppression runs a lot deeper in NT's and high masking ND's. It's why it makes sense Julia takes such a strong disliking to Jess, and I think she would regardless of whether there was a man involved though it certainly does not help. Julia probably really does envy her for being open, "how does she just get to be herself and be loved??". I know I have thought a similar thing myself about other women, especially when I masked more, and even if my masking never covered my adhd.
But I do want to say that men are often a factor in this. It's why the pick me thing happens, it's all about men, and I think those who are very vigilant to pick me's are also in a strange way still centering men as they cant and don't wish to understand why a woman would want male friends, and expect women to devalue their friendships with men. It centers men because it refuses to understand the individual womans experiences, and instead reliea on misogynistic stereotypes about women and stereotypes about men. Julie expected Jess to devalue her friendship with her male friends despite Julia repeatedly being nasty to Jess. I often got faced with this when I had only male friends, I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. It was often assumed that I was sleeping with male friends, or I was using ex appeal to 'get what I want' from them, like how Julia accuses Jess of using her 'big frightened baby eyes' which refer to an assumption that men would always rather have someone they can infantilise, and that women who have 'childlike' behaviours are doing that to manipulate men. Its gross on so many levels.
I am aware that many of my male friends were friends with me because they were attracted to me (I found that out the hard way), I also have male friends who have stayed with me for years. And yes some of them were attracted to me, but they remain friends with me despite that. There's many ways to be a friend, and it's not as if many friendships and friendship groups don't have erotic undertones to them even if no one ever sleeps with anyone. I've seen it a lot, but its not the rule just something that does indeed happen.
I think the pick me thing does have misogynistic undertones to it, it assumes a lot about women's relationships with men, and men's relationships with women. It makes the misogynistic assumption that women are only friends with men for 'one reason' it perpetuates the manipulative woman stereotype, and the manic pixie dream girl stereotype, and makes it okay for other women to be misogynistic to eachother under the guise of feminism. It's very anti friendships between the two, and demands that we devalue our friendships with the men, as well as deny the complexities of relationships between the sex's, and the erotic undertones that can appear in friendships of all kinds. It wants to put people and their relationships in a box, and it was especially worrying to me when women who had 'masculine' interests were being called pick me's. People can argue about the origins of it being good all day, but since when did bullying people make them change. In fact I'd argue all pick me does is police women and make them more likely to conform to a very isolated femininity that demands a strictly feminine appearance and interests and a strictly heteronormative and gender essentialist traditional view of the relationships between men and women. It's important to remember that it is other women who mutilate babies private parts for patriarchal aims in certain cultures, it is mother's who pass down patriarchal views to their daughters.
The ammount of gaslighting that goes on in relationships between women only helps this internalised misogyny carry on, the lack of honesty between women. As a woman, when a woman insults you in a way you and everyone else who was there knows is an insult, but in words comes across as a compliment, and you respond by directly confronting that insult, you get told that the insult wasn't there because the words carried the opposite meaning. That is gaslighting, and it happens constantly. Whenever we talk about the misogyny fueling 'pick me' and 'nlog' we are told its feminist, that we're routing out the 'bad' women by bullying them into submission. Yet its the bullies who point out the pick mes and nlogs the most, and those who see this condemned behaviour as a threat. Women who aren't bullies by nature would instead ignore these women and refuse to be associated with them instead. I must always ask the question, since when did rapidly bullying people regardless of whether they've done anything wrong *actually* work? It's the same tactics people use to shame women about things that are meant to get them to conform.
I love the bit where you said the only way you can relate to them is by hating yourself thats definitely something ive experienced
As an autistic woman I find that I attract fellow neurodivergent women that are super understanding and kind. Also my neurotypical friends are super understanding and supportive as well! I got really freaking lucky, the thing about them though is that they know what hardship feels like so I think their empathy is a big part for why we’re so close
this video was so beautiful and fun to watch! i’m not autistic but my sister is and i think growing up i watched how she acted and took some of that with because i struggle with a lot of the same things jess does and what you were talking about. i always realized not even minutes later but weeks what someone really meant and that the whole time they were just throwing the knives (lol). i think i also just trust people so blindly so i never think they’re actually being mean. this video found me at a perfect spot. i am like jess in so many ways because of how overly caring and girly she is which i think is absolutely not a weakness but a lot of people see it as such which makes for a lot of people treating me like a kid even though i’m 21! i know it’s not old but i feel like watching this and going back to new girl is gonna make me appreciate jess so much more! thanks for the great insights 🫶 you got yourself another subscriber!
I'm an autistic man who's never watched this show but I'm glad I watched this video. A lot of it isn't specific to autistic women, this has actually re-contextualised most of my secondary school experiences with women - and some men - outside my friendship groups.
I really enjoyed this video. I love your commentary explaining the show and dynamics! I struggle with female friendships and I'm now understanding all these subtleties. Please do more
This puts in perfect words what I’ve experienced in sooo many relationships
It's amazing to me how philosophical and psychologically adept people with autism can become. I wanted to like this video about 5 times while watching just listening to Eilene's(?) Mind. I love it!! It's like the confusion of social interactions made PhD's out of the autistic community by the age of 15, while the rest of us were just living. They were analyzing, finding patterns, and making sense of it all. People with depth like yours are GEMMMSSSSSSSSS ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤. Sending you love!!! You're amazing and halarious! Video made me smile all throughout! 😊
I always related so much to Jess. This was my favorite show when I was a teenager. In this episode, I kind of felt like I related to both of them. Maybe a little more to Jess but the traumatized parts of me definitely related to Julia. I especially related to the scene at the end where she’s struggling with the yarn and just gets so mad at herself. Dyspraxia at its finest. 😂 I also feel like I used to gravitate towards being friends with men because they were easier to understand but the older I get, the more I gravitate towards being friends with women. I think it’s about finding the right women (other neurodivergent women) who understand you and appreciate you for who you are. Neurotypical women are just a nightmare for me but honestly so are neurotypical men. Maybe it’s just easier to find neurodivergent men to be friends with because they mask less. 🤔
100% yes
As a NT who has a majority ND social group (including my then boyfriend at one point) I get what you mean. I grew up in a household that values direct communication and respecting people’s differences, and boy it was a rude awakening to learn that not all NT’s think that way.
I think it’s because I don’t mind (actually prefer) someone to be blunt with me than be passive aggressive, and I will do the same in turn for people.
I have only ever liked being around neurodivergent people, both male and female. When I was younger I didn’t know we were all neurodivergent. I just thought we were quirky weirdos who were more interesting and who made sense. Looking back I realize we were all just neurodivergent.
Every reaction to New Girl is wellcome!
Thank you for the reminder to drink water. I hate drinking water but I crushed an entire water bottle because of you 🙏 also I remember watching New Girl with my sister and her husband and they kept saying that I’m Jess. I love this show and I do connect so much with Jess. I’ve been wondering for a good long while if I’m autistic and I very much think I am. This show is very comforting for me because it represents that unmasked version of myself that I can’t quite seem to let live yet. I need some more therapy, I think
This video was awesome, I learned a lot. My family does this kind of stuff to me, and as a autistic man I really get confused to what hell is going on, thank you for these new lens
Watching this I feel 100% relating to you. I know I'm slow to process these things too and it has happened to me more than 100 times in my life. Sometimes I know they're throwing shades but I just don't know how to respond or even explain the situation to people. It could take days or weeks to slowly process and put words in simple conclusions. I need to write down and read what I wrote to map out everything. I always know I am an INFP. I still don't know if I'm an autistic. Still, there's something about me that makes it so hard to catch on to people, especially women.
getting evaluated for autism once i’m home for winter break, these comments are exactly why i’m considering it, i always just felt off but reading these comments i actually relate so hard
Back in highschool I didn't even know I was being bullied until years later I had a reunion with my highschool friends and they told me a tea about how my "bully" is doing now. I was so shocked because I thought she's my hi-hello friend. Now that I rethink every interaction I had with her and realizing it was all backhanded compliments. Ex. That time I was singing with our guitarist classmate and she said "wow, you're really making this your career" but I was like "yeah, I wanna be a singer" 😅 ghad I was so stupid for not seeing the shade on that one
I loved being able to sit and watch through this with you! It was like hanging out with a friend!! Never heard of this show before but it looks lovely.
I’ve been both girls at different stages in my life. I was so bitter and guarded in my teens after being bullied for my entire childhood. After my diagnosis a lightbulb went off. I’ve been slowly unmasking and it feels so liberating to just be myself.
Your discussing of processing speed has given me a bit of an epitome.
I wad diagnosed ADHD in my early thirties a couple years ago. During the review of my evaluation results, I was told that, while ADHD brains typically show some degree of impairment with both short term memory and processing speed, typically their processing speed score is a bit stronger than their short term memory score. It was pointed out on my results that I have it the other way around - trouble with both, but stronger memory than processing speed.
While the ADHD diagnosis has helped to explain a lot, I've come to wonder if perhaps I'm actually AuDHD. So many little things in your video were so incredibly relatable or were things I've actually said to others, like wishing people would be honest and direct despite temporary discomfort as opposed to being left in the dark. But you kept coming back to slower and/or delayed processing, which would add such an objective detail to these relatable/anecdotal points. Another bullet point on the slowly growing list of things that is gradually help me accept that autism might be part of my picture as I work towards being ready to actively pursue an answer.
Thanks so much for sharing! And on a lighter note, I think I have a new show to check out.
I’m going through a friend break up right now and the process has been so confusing…. I’m having flashbacks to all the comments she’s said that were actually subtle jabs at me and it frustrates me so much that I didn’t realize it at the time bc I was still trying to connect with her 😓 I also get along way better with guys!! I wish I had more girl friends but it is really hard sometimes. And my bad experiences has made me shy away.
I loved this!!! I never realized Jess's autism until you pointed it out. Thank you for your thoughtfulness
I’ve been diagnosed with adhd since I was 6. I love new girl so very much and I really relate to her, it is one of my comfort shows. There’s always been a teeny tiny voice in the back of my head saying “maaaaybe you’re also autistic.” My 14 year old is autistic and I believe my mother is. I don’t think it really matters if I get diagnosed because I am 36 and don’t personally need the validation of a diagnosis. But watching you dissect this episode was really cool for me. I think the difference for me is I understand pretty much immediately when what someone says has another meaning. Like when someone is being mean or when someone is feeling some kind of way. I can tell and I have a lot of rejection sensitivity. I do think when I was a child who was being bullied by the girls in my class I did not understand those things but would process and discover later that they were being mean to me. I’m not sure if being able to understand invisible social dynamics is something I learned how to do very well through experience or that’s just something that happens with age.
This also reads low key as internalized homophobia. To me it seems like Julia is maybe a little bit attracted to the qualities that she likes in Jess, but instead of just having a happy healthy friendship with her, she is disgusted with the parts within her that are attracted to those qualities, so she attacks her because she doesn’t understand their relationship.
Leaving a comment for the algorithm. This is such a great series. It makes me feel so seen and understood