No one is mean all the time. That is what make ppl human. That is also what makes abuse so confusing. Poverty also causes stress and abuse. My two cents is no ppl in poverty should have children.
So true, even when she is happy about my success I still feel that she is jealous maybe a little...but lately it feels more and more, the older I get and she gets
I’ve said this to my husband more times than I can count about my mom. “I don’t think she even likes me, the version of me that is catered to her to make her feel loved and comfortable, she doesn’t like. She would hate me if she really knew me.”
I'm 25 and I'm TERRIFIED of turning into my mother. I both love her and resent her. I realize she's a product of her horrible childhood and equally horrible marriage. I've had to take on the job of being her therapist, best friend, security guard, and mother when I should just be her daughter. Her life is a misery that she refuses to free herself from due to religious reasons, and she sometimes takes out her anger on her children. I don't want to be like my mother, I want to break the cycle. 🚫🌀
And most likely your child will too collapse at the thought of becoming like you. It’s all a full circle dear. You’re not escaping the cycle at all. The most you can do is stop focusing on who not to become like and focus on simply being the highest vibratory energy you can be and let being like your mother resonate on a higher frequency. Bc you will never avoid being like the person you came out of. All you can do is be the very best version of her. Or not.
@@DrLauraRPalmer that is so mean, oh my god. there are good parents out there whose children don't "collapse at the thought of becoming like them" so why wouldn't she be able to become one of those parents one day?
Your mom is sucking on your life energy and youth because she probably internally blames you for ruining her youth and now resents you for this and envies your appearance. So if you want to break the cycle get away from her, don't contact her in anyway so she can reflect and go through stages of grief. Also avoid having kids because your inner trauma may surface and you could end up doing this to your own daughter. Take care of animals instead, they are better than people.
Bring religion into her conduct she should forgive herself for what has been out of her own control and hold onto forgiveness and faith in a higher good self. I have my own demons with looking in the mirror and seeing my mother once I had children. You realize the chaos a person can create around them is because they lack self accountability past all their traumas and that is what weighs on people's hearts. If a person doesn't overcome it it can show up in relationships. Something that allowed me to grow was watching Jordan's Peterson lectures on the psychological significance of the bible. G
@@Demonetization_Symbol if you don't acknowledge the impact then your intentions can destroy it. If you give a sick person medicine they can become healthy, but if you don't see the that and keep giving a healthy person medicine they can get sick of the medicine again.
Exactly the sentiment I have when looking back at that one night I was praying in tears for God to help me heal from a really bad nightmare about my mom that scarred me. I was crying at evening prayer with my mom, because that was supposed to be my safe space where we can both be honest and be there for each other, with God as our witness. But she was offended by my dream... as if I had the conscious thought to choose to believe the lies in the nightmare that so inexplicably hurt me still? So she started listing reasons why the nightmare might've been right, started telling me how many ways I'm flawed and undesirable. We haven't had an evening prayer together again ever since. She claims she intended to help me realize how I could be better as a person when that clearly was not the effect. This was the biggest betrayal I've ever had in my life thus far and I still haven't quite recovered from that depression to this day. I can only look back bitterly at the fact that she still feels no remorse for what she did to me that night when I was already at my most vulnerable state. I'm still so very angry that I no longer have the luxury to maintain the naivety I once had of trusting her to be my comfort and healing embrace... to be my *mother*. The devil ensared another soul in his web of darkness that night, and I am deeply scarred by the fact that my own mother had a hand in it and even has the gall to deny any fault.
Lol, I’ve seen every single movie referenced in this video I’ve told my mom to her face, “I love you because I have to, I don’t like you. I don’t like anyone in our family.” I was probably 14 if not younger. I’ve never regretted it. They deserve to know the kind of relationship they fostered.
I told her I hate her, never liked her and never will 😂 I feel the anger is just so unfulfilling because she is just an unconscious animal who doesn’t even get it. She will just go on like ‘what did I do?’
This somehow reminds me of a different experience. My mother has a habit of “making a lot of mistakes.” Meaning none of her pregnancies were planned, but she doesn’t believe in abortion because of course she doesn’t. I’m 90% sure I was born because of r@pe. She got pregnant with this super abusive guy (she still talks with him even though he did a plethora of horrible things to all of her children, his children, and herself. Things I won’t get into, but know that he should be in jail rn.). Of course the pregnancy was an “accident”… a.k.a “haha I’m out of protection but I’m gonna do it anyways and just hope!” Thankfully, my mother has a history of pregnancy issues and had a high chance of miscarriage, but the fact she was an alcoholic and constantly drunk also helped. I don’t remember how the conversation happened, but she and her boyfriend decided to use the miscarriage in an argument against me. They liked to blame me for everything. I remember retorting with something similar to “thank god it died! That way it never has to deal with horrible parents like you!” I don’t regret it. I still stand by what I said. If she ever brings it up with me, I will reiterate it. What I do regret is that I’m still in contact with her, but it’s not going to stay that way. My family is dysfunctional beyond belief. My grandmother is the only person I somewhat like, and she’s the one who’s been desperate to have my mother and I reconcile. I’m sorry, grandma, but the moment you pass away, the only thing connecting the rest of the family to me will be my last name. If I didn’t like my last name, I would change that, too, but i think it’s pretty sick, so I’m keeping it.
I read according to a neuroscience study that mother-daughter relationship is the closest inter generational bond because in a healthy relationship a mother can more easily empathize with her daughter, is able to fit more easily into her daughter’s shoes in any given situation and experience what she is experiencing in a more profound way. Conversely, if it is the closest relationship, and if a mother fails to provide a healthy environment for her daughter, it is the relationship that can damage you the most, that can break you the most.
Im 42 years and i still never will be like my mother. Pushing out endless children to feel loved, needing men to feel valued, eating everything in sight because of both these ideas failing, screaming and abusing the kids, men and friends who didnt fulfil her wishes to feel loved and valued. Cutting off any friend with a different point of view who "doesn't understand". Blaming everybody else for her own deep seated problems while simultaneously utterly destroying the minds and lives of those she blames, including her own children because they didn't do what she invisaged to feel loved.
@@Aster-v8j wow....are you asking me? Because I could do but only from my own experience....I'm not qualified in anything. And I still have no help right now myself.
@@victoria.xseven7913 I'm not asking for a thesis, but how in your own experience did you stay healthy enough till now? I guess what I'm saying is I tried self help, Better Help, and asking help from doctors and social social workers but all imply they need demonstrable proof of harm. This is like drowning for minutes before anyone's permitted to pull you out. Most will drown.
@@Aster-v8j I am not healthy enough actually.....my psyche and body were destroyed and I'm still battling to put back pieces together with other pieces that continually fall back away.....don't know what you mean by thesis since I never spoke of such.
I am a guy. My dad tormented me emotionally growing up. He gave me the I should send you a bill for being born speech. It was devastating. I went no contact at 33. No contact was devastating. My whole life has been an entire wasteland of devastation.
Something hits different when it comes to same-sex abusive parents. I think it's watching your face grow into the person you hate the most but at some point so desperately wanted their love, a long time ago Hope u find peace brother
My brothers father was just the worst as well and my brother isn’t here with us anymore largely bc of it. I would try so hard to tell him his own worth isn’t tied up with that man, I hope you don’t feel that also. I think he idolized him so much when he was young he was determined to become a version of himself his dad wouldn’t treat like shit. But you know your dad, if he isn’t the type of person to reconcile then perhaps it is best you limit involvement but you can make that look however you want. You’re in control of it. I have weird relationships with my parents frankly bc I choose to be in their lives but with distance involved. Don’t let little things like what people think, even your dad, get in the way of how you want shit to be like. It’s okay to want a relationship with a shitty person, especially if you know how to handle it. Sorry for the long ass reply, just know how much you matter and that the faults lie not with you my man. And it’s never ever too late for anything.
I am sorry this happened to you. I can't umagine the amount of pressure your father probably put on you to be great, but from what I hear, it sounds like a horrible experience you went through. You have my condolences.
Now I understand why my mother and sister were distressed when they realized they would be giving birth to a daughter. That fear and rejection stemmed from viewing the task of raising a woman as difficult is painful to hear for me.
Some societies foster deeply rooted hatred towards women. Women get the feeling that they’re not wanted or at least not preferred comparing to men and they start to hate themselves. That hatred will extend to their sisters, daughters, other female relatives and friends, and in the end all other women ever existed. I know LOTS of Asian women who wished they were men or wanted to be men in another life. They’re not trans. They just hate being women and the general treatment they get from the society for being women.
@@kameralkutie5594 Yes, it's because female children in general, tend to be mistreated a lot by other people. It is a sad thing indeed, but not that much of a shocking phenomenon, because it has been happening very oftenly.
My own mother looked very panicked when she heard I was having a girl… I was initially panicked as well but self aware enough to push past it and realize I was internalizing her sentiments. She cursed me a few years ago that I would have a kid that would treat me like I did her. “Then I’ll see” meaning she hoped my kids would emotionally torment me the way she feels I tormented her. Moms should never say shit like this cuz all it did was make me feel like she never wanted me in the first place. All I did to torment her was literally have dreams that weren’t hers…
@@Itsnotworthit-cd2kb I know how you feel. The first thing my mom said about my daughter was that she wasn't 'fair enough'. The second thing was 'I hope she makes you feel the pain you made me feel'. I have never forgiven her for it. My baby deserved nothjng but love the day she was born. I don't remember what i yelled at them in the room that day. I was frothing in the mouth with pure rage. But no one in my family has brought up those sort of words ever since.
This was ridiculously well done. The comparisons between all the different characters and show they apply to a mother daughter relationship. As someone who grew up with an immigrant mother this is all too real. She would never talk about her pain and would always put up a strong face. This changed around middle-school when I started disagreeing with her. Eventually things shifted around and we started seeing our relationship in a new light. Now I’m soon to graduate and I’m happy we’ve made these changes in our relationship :D
“When Lady Bird is awarded her highschool diploma, Marion says that she walked weirdly across the stage.” Huh, well that’s accurately my mother as well. She always has something to say that puts me down in every milestone of my life.
@@aswordmadefromthebloodofmy4925 As much as my mother used to be a toxic person, noone else was meaner in my family and made me frustrated than my sister.
The sad thing is that my mother won't heal. She refuses to believe she needs it. I understand why she has done and continues to do the things she does even if it harms me, but because she refuses to believe she needs to change and refuses to put the work in, I resent her for what she's done to me and always will. And I will still feel guilty for it even if I shouldn't.
My mom is similar. She has this weird obsession with the idea of being "strong" that she refuses any sort of vulnerability or softness. It should be fine in the sense that we're all for supporting strong independent women in society, but to be invalidating her own daughter's feelings and disregarding the hurt she's caused her? It honestly makes me sick, and it's partially because I have to carry twice the load of shame and disgust she just refuses to carry for herself.
As a child, my mom would constantly criticize me for the clothes I wore, for me not being “feminine” enough and overall not liking the same stuff she did. She didn’t pick on my brother the way she did with me I forget that I was close to my mom. I loved her, I grieved her and now as an adult I’m sick of her When I was a teenager, things got really bad. She spiraled due to a complicated mental illness and this would lead to the family suffering at her hands. I would get hurt, verbally abused and I felt like I was nothing. Only as I write this now as an adult do I realize that the damage is so much less without her around. Do I miss her? No. I used to when I was a child, a teenager even but as an adult my patience has run out. When someone dear to me left this life early thanks to her bullshit did I finally snap After being told by people (including my own father), that I should be patient with her as if she wasn’t actively hurting me, that my pain “wasn’t that bad” to other people in this world, after years of therapy did it finally click for me. Yes she was my mother and yes I am (unfortunately) her daughter. She had several chances to make amends with not just me but my family but she never bothered to make an effort I used to blame myself as a teenager, as if somehow her poor choices were my fault. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be her daughter. I didn’t ask her to be my mother But at the end of the day, the only thing she did right was make me realize I’m not fit to be a parent. If I can’t even stomach the thought of a child that looks or sounds like me calling me mother, that’s more than enough proof that I wish to be nothing like her. The worst part is she too came from an abusive and dysfunctional family, which only makes me hate her more. She subjected us to the same pain she was raised with Perhaps it’s for the best that I find my own definition of motherhood. One that doesn’t include her
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I'm glad you've been able to reflect on everything and understand that you are not at all to blame and your pain shouldn't be invalidated.
@@movie.notepadThank you! It’s nice to be able to live in peace without her honestly. She’s somewhere far away and I’ve been no contact for years I’m doing well nowadays and therapy has helped! I basically have to re-parent myself and slowly undo the damage both parents have caused. I have good friends that help ❤️
My pets are my daughters. I know caring for an animal is nowhere near the same as raising a child, but from an emotional standpoint it's surreal to see how much my dog resembles me as a child (quiet, clean, as unobtrusive as can be), while my cat is pretty much the opposite way (energetic, curious, and generally a pest), similar to the way I actually wanted to be growing up, and the position that leaves me in as their guardian (their mother). I saw myself replicating patterns I'm not proud of, from my own relationship with my mother, but unlike her I have the self-awareness to realize that's wrong and these girls deserve better from me because adopting them was my choice, and also... They just do. We all do deserve to be cherished, to be loved... Right? They've been instrumental for me in my healing journey, my dog in particular. She deserves a freaking monument.
Thanks for this video analysis. I live on a different continent than my mom. When I was a kid I just wanted some love and attention. A simple "what's wrong?", a warm hug and "Everything is all right now, mom is here" would have fixed most of my distresses. However, because she never experienced this herself, she gave me what her mom gave her instead: endless criticisms. "Shut the F up! Stop crying! No child in this world is as badly behaved as you!" Now that she is old and is afraid I wouldn't go back to see her, she acts like SHE is a super well-behaved child. She would tell me on the phone how amazing her days are with a child-like wonder. Since she falls apart if I dare to correct anything she says or have a different opinion than her about anything, she would do all of the talking, and all I can respond is "uh-huh. That's great." She's perfectly content not asking and not hearing anything about how my life is going. It's a f***ed up way of interaction. When I visit her, she would go into controlling mode. I used to get really mad, but I realized that my whole life, me feeling sad, angry, helpless, frustrated have no effect on her. She is completely not in touch with other people's feelings, her own feelings. She is unable to connect with people, despite her bragging constantly having tons of friends. It took me a long time to learn that her friendships are extremely transactional. She gives lots of gifts to people, and they return a lot of gifts (baked goods, fruits etc. We are Asians), and that's considered "intimate friendship". She has no idea how people think, what they think. When she watches movies/TV shows she only comments if the actors are good looking or ugly. Now I have completely detached myself from the desire of wanting to connect with my mother. I just observe all her absurd behaviors as if I am an anthropologist. The characters in these movies are at least somewhat self-aware, or they develop some self-awareness towards the end of the movie to make the audience feel better. This is not the case for everybody in real life.
Your situation with your mom reminds me of that quote that goes "people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves". It really stuck with me
I feel a lot of this so much. And because I have to gray rock and observe, I feel detached from a part of myself that I’ll never get to know because of the hand I was dealt. At least that’s what it seems like now..
I don't have the same level of dysfunction, but many of the elements you've experienced, I can relate to (no comfort, shame for negative emotions, phone calls meant for validation, inability to understand how others feel or think unless she's been in that exact scenario). I've also noticed a correlation between my childhood emotional neglect and how I've noticed my mom's interactions as an adult. I can't say I've entirely given up, but I save all my raw feelings for others or just myself and just stay civil and lighthearted with her.
My mother was an abuser. The first few seconds of this hit hard. My mother never wanted me and I wanted to look up to her; and it never worked. She hurt me so badly; I understand and know that she’s just a person but I can’t feel more than that. I can break the cycle by not having children, and that is what I will do.
I'm so sorry. You definitely do not owe love to someone who hurts you like that. If your way of breaking the cycle is by not having children, that's perfectly fine. I hope no one shames you for that (which unfortunately happens very often to those who wish not to have kids).
@Justinn229 Not everyone can afford to have kids. Plus it's weird to have a kid just to make a point against your family rather having them because they're wanted.
When Ladybird first came out, i remember feeling so angry toward it because "Ugh the daughter is so disrespectful toward her mom!" But when I watched it, i saw so much of myself and my mothers relationship in that movie that it freaked me out. The dress scene reminds of when me, my mom, and my younger sister went dress shopping. I found this beautiful light blue gown I just adored, it made me feel like a regency era princess. When I tried it on and revealed it to her, she just shrugged and said "It looks fine." But when my sister tried on a dress, she was fawning over her. Another time is when I went to see Everything Everywhere all at once, my all time favorite movie by the way. I remember crying in the cinema so fucking hard during the scene where Joy confronts her mom. When I took my mother to see it, she interpreted it as "A movie where the daughter is mean to her mom"
It is based on personal perspective. It is reflected from inward to outward. That's why people's opinions are biased. They want to tell the "truth" but actually just their own "truth". What you see as good may not be the same with other people, including the close people. That's why I stay quiet. Some people critics me for not open up and tell the truth. I mean what "truth". Even when I explained more, none of them will understand. They simply want to hear and see what is right according to them. They call me crazy when something is wrong with my brother. They all said he is nice and I am such a terrible sister to say the "truth". Until it was coming up and hurts so many people. Then, they call me a witch. I don't get it. It's not prediction. It's what I feel inside. Something is wrong. It could be not right. When I share it, they call me crazy. My mother also call me dumbass. Until what I said is happening. So there is no point to keep talking to adults, including mom. She thinks know everything and everyone in the house. But the truth is she doesn't even know her husband enough to the point blindly not see the cheating scandals actually happening. Smh.
It’s crazy how so many people have such a strained relationship, I just went to no contact with my mother because I realized how abusive she actually was
If I could gift my mother anything, I’d give her my life. She passed taking care of and putting everyone first but herself and her dreams. I would want her to be bold, unapologetic and do what she wanted and not what others think she should, not even me. I’d hope she wouldn’t have us at all.
As a Chinese descent man, I witness this in my family, that is my mom and my sister. I am the golden boy as the 'societal standard'. But I really hate that my sister and I still experience the generational trauma my mom experienced (she grew up in broken home). Also, the fact that our dad is emotionally distant and completely uninvolved in our development, is not helping the situation. The 'traditional standard' of mom (home oriented) and dad (earning money) doesn't work. There's lack of empathy and emotional connection. Tbh, my sister and I are older millenials almost hitting 40, but we don't have desire to have our own family. Observing our parents, we just don't see the point of it.
My parents had the most abusive relationship I’ve seen out of all the people in my life. They lived for validation from society, and not for family. Out of that vitriol came 3 of us. For some reason my mother targeted me as I was the quiet, shy daughter. From degrading remarks towards my appearance and dressing starting as early as 10/11 years, to complete character assassination among all my relatives and later on in laws, she has done it all. I used to pray day and night that I get to leave home for college. Eventually she claimed it was all her hard work because of which I got a college degree. She was the reason I’d decided never to be a mother, only to hear from her how big of a failure I am for not having children. Now at 35, I’m soon having our first child, and I pray every day that I am able to break the curse of their patriarchy and the generational trauma that they imbibed from their parents and passed onto us. I hope my child sees nothing of my mother or grandmother in me
Congratulations on starting the motherhood journey. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that with your mother. The fact that you are reflective of your mother's mistakes and so intentionally care to bring your child more kindness is already a huge step in breaking that generational trauma. Your child is lucky to have someone so self-aware raising them. Don't be too hard on yourself, you'll be great ❤
Hopefully you're able to access or are accessing therapy or have a strong support network. It can be difficult to give what wasn't given to you. Difficult...but never impossible.
This made me cry so hard I threw up. This hit a little too close to home, I guess. My mom just turned 60 and I feel like only just now she's able to reflect how much of her hangups have affected me in life. And now it's like we finally have space to exist independently of each other and actually see each other without her constantly trying to control me. It's just sad how for some relationships it can take so long.
My relationship with my mother has always been complicated, but now with my parents' divorce I can see her for herself for the first time in my life. And one of the many conclusions I've come to is that I'm not afraid to be like her, I admire her for her courage and love for life, but I'm afraid to be like her, to follow the same fate. I'm still coming to terms with myself about my relationships, my feelings, and myself as a whole, so I haven't had the courage to talk to her about it yet.Or about how her actions hurt me and continue to hurt me, how one word and one look turns me into a hurt child crying alone in bed.This video made me understand a lot about my relationship with my mother.Thank you very much!
I'm glad to have helped and hope you're able to have that discussion with your mother when you're ready. My relationship with my own mother took some difficult open dialogue to get better, but the more emotional expression is normalized, the easier it becomes.
Why did i cry and why was this so good?! Watching it, felt like this was a video with already thousands of views, I can't believe this didn't blew up yet!
yep same, you are not alone 🫂 its an incredibly important and powerful video but its also important to recognize the pains it brings up, too. take care of yourselves
I don’t even know what to say. You’ve basically said everything that needed to be. Uh I think this video just changed the trajectory of my life forever.
Generational trauma and family health issues led me to decide, as young as 6 or 7, that I would never have children. My family has a history of severe chronic pain, illness, mental illness, and addiction, which have often led to depression and even suicide. My father’s chronic health issues and pain were passed down to me, and my mother and father both dealt with schizophrenia, which has impacted my life deeply. I also inherited a genetic condition with a 50% chance of passing it on, possibly even worse in a child, and this has caused periods of depression since childhood. Given my own health struggles, I can’t risk putting a child through the same, especially since I struggle just to take care of myself. There’s not much I’m proud of, but I am proud of deciding early on to never have kids instead of continuing the cycle just so I can make use of my maternal instincts.
Im 14. I think throughout my whole life everyone in my family have told me im a spitting image of my mother. Looks, emotions, my stubborness, my leadership skills, everything. I hate it, because the way my mother grew to raise me was not even like a mother. She just treated me like a small friend with strict realistic rules. Im scared to grow up to be like her, i wanna be kind, caring, patient. But im not. Im just like my mother.
You take influence from those that are around you . I was and still abused by her , only its more subtle . She has turned alot of my my family members against me and has gone on a smear campaign about me since I was a child . If I'm not careful I could pass that abuse down to my own child.. you can do the work and be your own person especially if you can recognize unhealthy patterns.. I'm 30 and I'm still fighting it . Most of us are
I went no contact from my mother. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to. It was like amputating a limb. The relationship was diseased and could never be saved. This video however, helped dull the bitterness and hatred I had for her and gives me perspective in what forgiveness means without sacrificing my inner peace. I’m still angry sometimes, but I’m realizing just how deep these societal roots go and sometimes it’s just out of our control. What I can control is how I re-parent my inner child now. So, thank you ❤
I’ve always loved my mom, but I didn’t like her for a long time. (I still don’t like my dad). BUT, I’ve begun to like her in these past few years. A big part of that is because she learned and grew as a person. And I have too. I also realized that just because you’re an adult, doesn’t mean you have everything automatically figured out. I could go on about how my mom and I use to fight all the time when I was little, but I want to focus on the fact that my mom was capable of change. And that now she’s one of my best friends ❤️
I had the same experience with my mom. When I was a tween and teen, she drove me crazy, and I think she was actually a little crazy back then. We're immigrants and she grew up with a lot of trauma, especially around her mom. She is more at peace now, I am more sympathetic/empathetic now, and we are able to be friends.
"When a daughter's greatest fear is becoming like her mother". That line felt SO threatening but SO real. I met 2 female friends who had that similar painfull experience with me... Being scared of ending up like our mothers. It's a scary thought, because imagine having a person cultivating your life, your personality and your appearance similar to theirs (mother towards daughter). And if their lives sucked, the possibility of having your life similar to theirs is sky high. My sister managed to escape that fate, but I didn't because our mother treated me way worse than her. And it was a horrible experience.
Always had a toxic relationship with my mom. Screaming, fighting, verbal abuse, manipulation, judging (she tried putting me on a strict diet at 10 years old type vibes)… it’s been a journey and it’s still a struggle but I realised that actually, my mom is the way she is because she has her own hurt and trauma that she hasn’t dealt with. Yes, I don’t want to be like my mom, but I’m starting to understand her and why she is the way she is. Is she toxic? Yes. Am I justifying her? No. She needs to heal on her own. What I’m saying is that you develop a sense of patience and peace when you realise your mom is also hurt from some things. When I move out, I don’t intend to visit often and long, but understanding these facts helps with peace and patience for now if that makes sense
@@Justanotheruser123-j1g I honestly felt that way more with my sister. While I used to think my mother was also mean and toxic with me, noone else made me more frustrated than my sister's rude behaviour.
@@missstranger7697 I understand this completely. Ironically, my sister was almost as frustrating as my mom too. Our relationship became easier when she got married and moved out
"Who ensures the mother is taken care of" SHEEEEEEESH. That's the one! I am a mother of two boys I birthed and a baby girl I didn't birth. And boy howdy, folks are first to criticize how you parent but never ask "how's the parent?".
@@movie.notepad thank you so much for the kind words. I'm trying my best. But it's definitely different parenting now than how my mom had it with us. Mainly with the fact that while I was around aunts, uncles, and cousins and was raised around them.... My kids unfortunately don't have that. So where some generational curses end, new ones crop up because they will absolutely not know their heritage by way of grandparents or extended family. The loneliness epidemic effects more than just making friends or meeting significant others.... Families aren't the same either for better and worst. Leading more parents, more mothers, to carry the load of teaching rather than a community teaching and raising up a child. I definitely see how it has effected my own kids and how they navigate through school (the only face to face social venue they have). Might be worth looking into for a video essay! With how excellent you did with this one, I know if you were to do one about that it'd be a banger!
That's incredibly true. I also have firsthand experience with the whole distance from family situation. Both my parents grew up around lots of family, but since my father immigrated and my mother is a second generation immigrant, we didn't live near their families when I was growing up. It's been interesting to observe the differences between how I view family and how they do because of it. You're right, that's a great video idea. I hadn't thought about the loneliness epidemic through that lens and it adds such dimension. I've been having trouble thinking of new video ideas and this might just be it. Thanks so much!
Why do you feel the need to describe your daughter as "one you didn't birth"? Seriously? That's the defining relationship between you and your daughter is that she didn't come out of your body? No wonder you think folks are first to criticize the parent... I can see why you experience that. You can't even mention your daughter without letting people know she's not really yours. What a terrible way for her to grow up...
@@user-gg8tl5yt7d You're making a lot of assumptions and truly come across as the people online who believe parents need to be perfect regardless of any nuancw
What a great video! As a daughter, it's interesting to see my feelings of discontent with my mother validated while also being challenged to have empathy for her. The relationship between mother and daughter is so complicated
really love learning more about this topic, since I feel like it's often taboo for daughters to speak "critically" about their mothers. there's a lot of love and a lot of hurt that is experienced in these types of relationships, it's ultimately incredibly interesting to try and unpack.
The Joy Luck Club has to be my favorite book to movie combo. They’re both so great. I remember my mom telling me the movie in detail as a child (early elementary school), at the time I don’t think she knew it was a book. I ended up having to read the book in high school and I loved every second of it. I liked it way more than the other kids in my class. I love how they display generational trauma and cycles that must be broken. I became obsessed with EEAAO as soon as I saw it the first time. I saw it 3 times in theater. I’ve cried everytime, the movie gets me so bad. I’m not Asian or the daughter of immigrants but I resonated with not feeling seen by my parents due to their own traumas. These are incredible movies, great video!
My mom just passed away unexpectedly. I’m 24. We were as close as sisters, it was always just us. A single mother and her only daughter. This video makes me look fondly upon our lives together ❤️
The more you run from it, the faster you run into it. The best way, accept it all. Accept your mother for who she is, don’t live to be accepted by her. This does not mean let her talk to you anyway, this means she is who she is and she will change if she wants. Learn from her. Learn her flaws and learn from them. She’s you from the future and literal living proof of one path you can take. You have to live your life or become her…as she became her mother trying to rebel against her. Little did she know, her mother did the same thing. Snarky, negative, absent…look at your relationships and see if you treat people like that too. There’s no excuse for her to be rude to you but that’s not an excuse for you to be rude either. Get some space from each other and grow so you can show your mother another way, as she only knows what her mother taught her.
I've been no contact with my mother for a year now. I waited so long for her to become more mature, to listen, to stop gaslighting me and actually accept me for who I am instead of shaming me into continuing to serve her. She didn't heal her own trauma before having me and she still refuses to work on herself. I won't be making the same mistake.
Me too it was about a year ago 😢 congrats to us for sticking to the decision, I know that was hard!!! But I hope you feel freedom when reminded of mothers. I feel this video kind of insinuates we the daughters, should be patient and kind and take care of them and save them from themselves or something. But I don't think this is true at all and I'm proud of you for moving on from someone who was hurting you. ❤
@@CoreyStewart91 I totally support going no contact if the situation calls for it and it seems that was the right choice for both of you. I think it's great to try and be as compassionate and understanding as possible as long as it's not harmful to you. But it's true that if someone (whether a mother, father, friend, partner, even a child in some circumstances, etc.) isn't being receptive to your help and is hurting you, you have to prioritize taking care of yourself.
Often, people assume no contact is done out of spite. However, no contact is the last resort. It comes after years and years and hours of dialogue trying to get them to understand. Tears and heartbreak. People have no idea how hard these children have tried to maintain a better relationship that does not harm their mental health. But to watch their own parents not give a single fuck despite how hard they are trying to heal and move forward, and to see these parents just want to continue and perpetuate generational trauma, sometimes that's enough to go contact. For the insensitive fools that will say, but that's still your mother or father, just because someone had a child does not make them worthy or deserving of calling them a parent. Adult children get to choose. If they terminate contact, I almost always look back at the parent. It goes against every biological cell in our body to cut contact. Imagine the amount of abuse and turmoil a child must go through to decide that this is the best path forward, only when all other avenues have been exhausted. That's why I struggle to understand those that argue going no contact is petty and frivolous. It is neither and they don't understand the first thing about that decision.
@pachachaslide this is so well said and validating 😭😭😭 I keep finding myself trying to convince others of the reality of the pain I suffered, it is retraumatizing to continually be told I should act differently. That person, like my parents, are not concerned for my well being but for the status quo to remain in tact, for the idea of unconditional familial love being an inate thing ugh. I'm just gonna start telling people they died, I know I'm strong for finally walking away, I still have to wake up and make that same choice again each day, I have to re-decide to not allow them contact to me every single day and it's been years
Yup, becoming my mother has always been my greatest fear. I see more of her in me now that I’ve reached middle age and that terrifies me, but we are still fundamentally VERY different people. I’ve worked hard to make sure of that.
It's a big struggle in my households, with both of my parents. I love them, and they love me, but they have also hurt me in a lot of ways. From my mid-teen years to now as an adult, I have spent most of the time away from home studying, but also essentially growing up by myself. This has been isolation, but at the same time means that I have had the space to grow into my own person away from my parents trauma and trauma-causing behaviours. It's still tough with them though, I as an adult child have intervened in their fights and tried to explain to them, to soothe them with the hope of mending their broken relationship. The attempt nearly broke me. I have once again distanced myself from the situation, and regained my own peace, yet it continues to pain me that I did not succeed. I will return to them of course. But sadly, healing them is a responsibility I fear too great for me to handle, and my home country has a piss poor attitude towards mental health (service is equally poor).
Please don't see your efforts as failure. You've done what you can and I'm sure made worlds of a difference. They're lucky to have you as a child with how much you care, especially despite the hurt you've endured.
Great video. I definitely saw some connections here between me and my mother, especially the talks of fearing of becoming my mother and culture clashes.
When you describe the parent’s POV- it’s always been something I reflected on, however, my mother told me about her childhood at a young age. In elementary, I knew of all my mom’s core memories of trauma, and my grandmother cried to me about her brothers molesting her- on top of the pressures of doing everything around the house because she’s a daughter. I always listened, understood, & empathized with the intermediate women in my family, but where was that for me? I realized at age 24, this year, that I had to give that empathy & compassion to myself. I was the mother when I was a child, I was also the scapegoat & target to release anger. Their pain & anger was mine, but my pain & anger was just mine. & i’m no contact now. Also, to add- my mom would compare her abuse to mine & thought she was better than her mother. In adulthood, I had to break it to her that she inflicted the same pain & trauma. I even had an uncle that thought my generation got less abuse, I made him aware that I was abused the same exact ways he was. If this is you too, after realizing.. I wish you the best, love. With all my heart, I pray you heal safely & feel peace. We are not our experiences & circumstances, we are not the body.. we are the soul having an experience. when I have PTSD, I tell myself “It’s over now. you’re safe.” I prioritize myself and it’s healing.. We create our lives, set boundaries, & live ❤ When I was a child/teen, all I wanted was to be an adult. & I meant it, I love having a real safe space.
My relationship with my mom is so awful and we can't bear the sight of one another. Our relationship is so complicated and thorny and I always thought that it was on me because I see what my mom goes through and can't even take the step forward. But it's so hard to approach or even care to approach someone that doesn't even like you. When I explain it, it sounds sad, but I feel nothing towards the state of our relationship. I don't care to fix it or bond or anything like that. It's in absolute shambles and I'm okay with it. It sounds terrible but leaving things as they are is so much less exhausting than trying to fix them because we'll just realise all over again that we don't like each other.
Commenting for the algorithm. Im currently studying sociology and focusing on the mother-daughter relationship in media has helped me to understand some aspects. I love your analysis!
"When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever Wish I could explain it better I wish it wasn't true" Now I know why this song resonate with me so much, when I'm away from home for college, I'm worse for the better
Thank you for making this video! As a woman raised in the "eastern way" whilst able to access all information and education influenced by the west, i feel confused and unable to point out what's wrong with my constant clashing point of view. By making this video, you voiced and rationalize my internal struggles for all these years. I hope this video found their target audience just like this video found me. This is excellent ❤❤
This was my mother and I felt free when she’d passed. She had great qualities but it didn’t out balance the bad in her and I hated everything about her and still do. She could have had a mother/daughter relationship but I decided to move out instead
I would love this see a video on the other side of the coin. I remember a quite that said that daughters laugh at their mothers with their fathers not realizing that they'll end just like them
Oh I’d love to see an exploration of father-daughter relationships in this way. It also reminds me of this take I once heard on the relationship of Athena as Zeus’s favorite daughter because she was allowed to be as headstrong as him but, as a female, was never considered a serious threat of supplanting him.
That Zeus-Athena point is so interesting! Would love to dive into father-daughter relationships for a future video, I'll just have to keep an eye out for movies that will help me explore it in my analysis
Daughters who do that are pathetic. Fathers who do that are pathetic. It's disgusting that being misogynistic towards the mother is a way of bonding for some daughters and fathers. It seems like many men enjoy when there is conflict between women - men enjoy gossip- even more than women. And many men dislike when women have close bonds which exclude men. If a daughter (when she is a child) is rude towards her mother, the father should scold the kid right away. But the thing is, many men secretly hate their wives and won't put in effort to bring her small comforts.
I feel personally attacked by your analysis of Lady Bird in a good way haha. It’s literally a relationship between me and my mom when I was around high school. I have a big dream and wanted to live abroad. But my mom wanted me to stay close to her. I both want her attention and acceptance for who I am which is in conflict of each other. In the end I decided to stay in my home country out of guilt for needing her financial support which I know I could never pay her back. I was torn but learn to accept it. I learned of her trauma and how she was treated without respect by many close to her. It made me understand and accept my reality better. But parts of me I still feel longing for the hope and dream that never realized
7:13 my mom did something similar on my graduation. it was the small things here and there that really rubbed me the wrong way because she had pressured me into wearing all the things she wanted me to wear and making me feel bad for things that she decided on her own to purchase. a couple weeks later she had told me that I ruined the night for HER even after she had left me crying in my room over her comments. it hard because i feel like i don’t have any power over my own life but im also selfish for wanting some respect for the way i feel. i don’t think my mother entirely realizes but she incredibly hypocritical and it really feels like the way she feels and what she wants come above everyone elses. i feel like i shouldn’t complain because ive only just started college she has worked hard her whole life but it’s hard because i live at home and commute so i don’t really have a moment of escape because shes entitled to everything
She died just last month. I was the one that signed her DNR. In my side, there was nothing left to grieve. If I could remove her name from my birth certificate I would. I now have to take care of her remaining children. I hate how easy it is to take of them when they're so mature, too mature even for their own age. I hate how easy it is to be a parent when she couldn't even do it for me. I hate how I could have had it better if she just admitted her mistakes and tried to do better but somehow, I, who was brought to this world due to their actions, was at fault. Everyday she made me wish I had never been born now that she's gone everyday I try to find something to live for.
I haven’t spoken to my mother in two years, and I know one day it will be too late to make the decision of reaching out again. Letting go is something so very painful, difficult, but healing.
I’m so happy I have a mother who doesn’t hate what she sees in me, but I still relate to the sentiment of not wanting to become like her. I don’t wanna suffer the same things she did within a society that expected so much from her. I don’t want to marry the same type of man that she did. I don’t want to lose my ambitions and sense of identity the way she lost hers. I am so lucky she understands this and feels the same way, and actively supports me in being who I want to be.
I’m 26. Malaysian Chinese. My paternal grandmother is one of the most hardworking woman I know and I loved her more than anything. My paternal was a Chinese immigrant during ww2. He was an abusive piece of shit. He drank and beat my grandma and his kids - my dad and his siblings. He died of cancer at 70 and she lived to 82, mostly in the countryside bc she didn’t wanna burden the adult children w their Own families. Maternal grandma eloped w grandpa she was 17 and he was 20 or 21. She wasn’t allowed education and would sneak off to school and when caught would be hung from the trees, tied as punishment. My own mother is the eldest of 6 kids - 5 women and 1 boy - where the latter was spoiled because he was the youngest - knocked off a woman of 15 when he was 17. My mom married at 28 to my dad at 33 who thought marriage, kids and family was a rite of passage. My parents have a loveless, resentful and bitter marriage. I vowed to myself I would never get married and settle down. I’d rather be alone and miserable than alone, hated and bitter in a toxic marriage. The generational trauma ends with ME.
bridges can be build. understanding is a start, then comes being honest with one another. no sugarcoat, just honestly telling what's been kept from each other. a lot of yell, a lot of pain, shouting, crying, just letting it out there, face to face. both will feel betrayed, and hatred towards each other, but it's necessary. and then comes the hard work to consistently building good communication, acknowledging each other's emotions, non judgemental convos, acceptance, patience, and so on.
I'm so sorry and I know it's hard to confront the reality of our relationships. Your life hasn't been wasted, though. Your whole life isn't defined by this one aspect of it.
@@happygucci5094how can you say this after watching the whole video? Is clear this person understands and that’s why she made it. Abuse shape us, but do not DEFINE us - you’re a victim of abuse, but also more than it. What you makes within this more is up to the individual, but your life wasn’t a waste, you aren’t a waste even if rn you have a hard time believing that.
I don’t think your life has been wasted; your experiences can help you make the decision to become a more compassionate and a more kind person, especially towards those who need you. Take it as a model of whom NOT to follow. ❤
@ I am that person to other people- and I also feel that my life or more specifically my youth has been wasted. Even now the lasting effects of trauma have left me kind of on the outside of life looking in… thanks for your comment 🙏🏽💕 Be well 😊
It’s only recently in the past few years, that I can be honest with my feelings towards my mother. Growing up in a religious household, it enforced a sense of never finding fault with your parents. God first, parents second, yourself last. It creates an unhealthy dynamic between parents and children.
In a similar vein, because it was my single mom who raised me and introduced me to Christianity. When the day came she finally irreversibly broke my trust in her, I also lost my faith in God and all things good altogether because I strongly linked my faith and relationship with God to my relationship with her. I know I'm supposed to look to God for hope and reassurance especially when I have no one left to confide in, and I know He doesn't fail, but she inadvertently took that away from me too somehow. In a way, I finally realize the flaw in my faith, so there's that, but it absolutely sucks right now because I feel the most isolated and despaired I've ever been, feeling like I can't even have God to try to connect with. On the worst days I end up feeling like I'm absolutely irredeemable because of it 💔
I was just thinking about this 3 days ago. I was on my way back from a shitty day and i started silently crying on the train and i thought "I've become what i feared. Ive become my mother." And when i got to a park with no one around i broke down crying.
The way this made me sob, this year I’ve started to accept the disconnect n brokenness between me and my mom. having to grieve a relationship you wont get with a parent runs so deep
I can't lie women have a choice when it comes to patriarchy. That pick me mentality is a choice. I don't feel anything for my mother. She had a choice and I never wanted a perfect mother but she could have evolved into a better person, she isn't a child. My mum's a religious pick me and decided to be a slave to a low-level insecure 'man'. I feel nothing for her. No excuses. I tried caring and loving and helping her but she likes the hell she built for herself, she doesnt want change, she wants to be picked. My future will not include her, I don't want her poisonious mind polluting my life anymore. I'm really tired of believing she's capable of motherly love. I have to kill my hope for her love. Thank you for creating this video, it was mind opening.
I guess we should also look at how women were placed in a society back then. Most of the women back then were not allowed to work and were expected to stay at home and become mothers. I think the "pick me" mentality before was formed in women's subconsciousness just for survival. They are literally placed in a society where they need to find a man to provide for them as they can't have a job or they were not given jobs that are paid enough to be financially secure or generally just secure in the society. In order to "secure" a man they need to present themselves as someone that a man will "pick" to marry. When a marry them, they also need to maintain that image . When they have children, they felt that it is also necessary that their children should uphold that image because as what in the video said, children are seen as "reflections and extensions" of their mothers. The failure of their children is a direct reflection of their failure as a mother and as a wife. Also, we should also look if generational trauma is also a factor why your mom is a "pick me". I'm not validating what she did to you, I'm just explaining that people's actions sometimes have complex causes. I hope you can heal from your traumas. I myself have a complex relationship with my mother and most of the times the things she have said echoes in my mind. I just realized that my mother and I are two different people shaped by different experiences. I should just respect what she wanted for herself, but she should also respect the things I want for myself. I also set myself free from my need for her acceptance and validation because I learned that she will never see things the way I see things and it's not her fault (not mine either). I guess empathy and mutual respect for each other is the solution, but it's hard to achieve if both are not willing to let go of their pride. I also secretly think that me living a life that is not scared by the the same things that inhibited my mother is an indication that she raised me well. She endured so much pain that I am shielded from the society's expectations, which manifested in my freedom to speak for myself and choose the things I wanted. She protected me and gave me an environment that I never felt the need to conform to what the society (that she is also in) wants me to be. The fact that I am one year away from my mother's age when she gave birth to me, and I am currently pursuing a career on my own and not have a man who wants me to give up all of my dreams to raise a family with him is a win for me and my mother.
I feel this way and am afraid to say it. I cut my mom off a year ago, I struggle with the guilt about it not because I miss her at all, but because the world has this opinion that I should go back to her and suffer and try to save her from herself. How can a woman (me) with a shit mom who didn't teach her agency or self-respect, gain the power to love, understand, and wholly SAVE that same mother from herself??? How TF? And even if I wanted to, she has to fucking come to the table. Like she has to want to change? And I'm supposed to help her why? Why does the world believe this is my responsibility or duty? Is everyone religious? Why is family duty so prevalent in our culture and only expected from women.
@@Lalaland099 I agree with you on the first sentence. Women have a choice, but instead of using it wisely, they just fall into the trap and get themselves in danger.
There are strong emotions that people feel such as love and hate. Sometimes its better to feel the emotion of apathy and move on from those who don't bring positivity in your life.
I hope I never get to be like my mom, I could relate to this relationship s a lot, sometimes it feels like she hates me, I could never understand how she would like me to replicate the same pattern with a child but I'm never becoming a mom, never.
Same here. After I discovered how harsh, cruel and mean she was with me ever since I was born, I am not risking myself to become like my mother for any guy. She made my sister cry and only my father has been supportive of me, but only through distance and distance relationships don't tend to work out.
I don’t have the best relationship with my mother, but I do feel for her. Because deep down I’m sure she knows that we, her daughters, all fear to become like her. She’s a woman who’s been used and hurt by those around her too, doesn’t have the spoons to address nor express it, and experiences the constant belittling and contempt towards her as a person because she’s not the perfect mom, wife, daughter, etc-that’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone either. I may just be her daughter, but we’re both women. We both have shit luck in this society.
@@dedstar2132 My mother would constantly compare my achievements, to my sister's achievements. What was her point of comparing me to my sister? We had different personalities and I was warmer as a person than my sister was. My sister was a cold, fearfull and distant one. She escaped the hellish critisism I had to deal with, because she had our father and she was older than me. I was literally the abandoned and emotionally neglected child in my family.
This is the real reason a lot of young girls and women are afraid of marriage or do not wish to marry. They see their moms being miserable and do not want that for themselves. And this did make me tear up.
Sure, but also there are less benefits to marriage for women. Marriage itself is built on a foundation of women being property. I lucked out with finding a truly good person to spend my life with, and we got married in case we wanted to have kids. My parents are happily married for 35 years now. But exceptions don't make the institution not screwed up and they definitely don't make people feel better who have been in terrible relationships and have no faith in romance.
@Aster_Risk I totally agree. And good for you woman!! 🎉 I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest. My parents have a good relationship. But there were a lot of instances as if us daughters and our mom were raising a 40 year old child together. It took a long time of talking, understanding and fighting to get to where it is right now. And it used to tire everyone out mentally. And mom used to get treated horribly by her in-laws, which took a long time to heal from. But they have a toxic mentality towards love relationships. I was never allowed to have boyfriend-girlfriend relationships growing up. In fact I used to feel very judgy towards people who were couples. I was told that arranged marriages are the best growing up. And now that I know that it's okay to fall in love and it's okay to marry or not marry. Finding my own partner now feels like climbing Mt Everest. The idea itself gives me anxiety and panic. Sorry if it's really very long.
Thank you for posting this well thought out video. The mother - daughter relationship is so complex. You tackled a lot of the shadows that get in the way of what has the potential to be an immensely close bond. I also appreciate that you took the time to respond to so many comments. Keep doing this kind of work. You have a needed perspective!
your videos always offer an extensive range of valuable insights, and they open my eyes to new and unique approaches to thinking. this is my third watch, and im stoked for your next project!
Lady bird really hit me hard because of all the things the mother and daughter said to each other, i bad imagined or felt with my mom growing up. But now i understand her much better.
me and my mom have a great relationship, though it’s not perfect. we have things we dont see eye to eye on, but we both know we love each other, and we met each other half way on most things. i didnt expect to cry wtching this, but i did. i feel i understand my mom at least a little more and as a chinese american, i felt really seen. thank you for this video
I am so happy I will never be anything like my mother and I am her polar opposite without even trying, feeling very blessed today and grateful for this. I broke the cycle.💜
It took me a long time to see my mom as a person and not just a mom i wouldnt mind growing up to be like her because she is everything i strive to be. Even though im not a girl anymore (transman) i still look up to my for who she is. Her mother wasnt great so she tries to be better and i think she is. I love my mom
I just added RUclips's Spanish auto-translation to the subtitles. Hope that helps in any way possible and I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey with your mom. I know it's difficult
Lady Bird explained in detail how my relationship with my mom had always been. We love each other, but she's always been abusive and unwilling to heal her trauma. Lately she's been thinking about therapy, i hope she decides what's best
You ATE with this video. You have me here at work crying about how much this hit home. I’ve watched all the movies you’ve referenced and the mother daughter relationship in each one demanded its own analysis. I’m so glad you were able to put words to our (daughters) to our pain. Great video!
This video is beautiful and bittersweet. The analysis is spot on. Thank you so much for showing how multidimensional mother-daughter relationships are, not through the lense of the male gaze, but through the female experience. I'm an immigrant myself with immigrant parents in Germany. My emotional enmeshment is more pronounced on my father-daughter relationship. I relate a lot to what is said in the video, just with my dad instead of my mom. My mom has been depressed ever since I can remember, so I've never felt pressured to or inspired by her to be like her as depression consumed most of her, but she's always been an example of what or who I don't want to be. She's very smart, but also super bitter and hung up on the past. She's funny and creative, yet so harsh at times. She's exhausted, yet pressured enough by the patriarchy to both work and take care of household chores. She's strong, yet lacks courage. She wants control over her life, yet she's submissive enough to not speak up for herself. She's burnt out, but she preserveres. I love her, and I'm afraid for her.
I’m only half way through this video but the quality of this is beautiful and its analysis is so deep, and I can draw parallels with my own life as well. Amazing work!!
Pretty much every movie referenced in this video makes me cry. And I watched it while nursing my own baby daughter, hoping to avoid my mother’s mistakes and knowing that I’ll still fail my daughter one way or another.
this was very, very painful to watch. i don't know if the wounds my mother gave me will ever heal. but at least, on the bright side, i won't pass on the generational trauma, bc i will never have children.
I ugly cried to this. Thank you so much for putting my unfinished thoughts into something I could hear for myself. This came at the right time. The editing and transitions were wonderful. I don't know how else to express that I'm grateful to have seen this. All I can do is hope for a better tomorrow.
As a child, the concept I was taught - that my mother was once me, that mothers were once their daughters - scared and confused me. It was unfathomable. This person I want to be nothing like, who did not even have a miniscule grasp on who I was, and yet was told about how we had similar traits and characteristics and hijinks. I felt as though there must be a strong funnel, forcing people to become a thing they did not want to be. I was young when I was finally bold enough to say I didn’t want to have kids when I grew up. My mother laughed, and said the same throw away line of how I’ll change my mind. But even then, part of me saw that the role itself was what helped turn a person joyless, ground them to dust, and being parentified as the oldest daughter made it clear how thankless and never ending the work was. Add to that bruise and welt forming types of physical correction that was encouraged by the southern church I was raised in, and the liberty with which leather belts were raised in my home, and all I wanted was to escape, anywhere, so long as I could be free from it all. Now I’m nearly 30. I had the opportunities to sink into the exact same pitfalls as my mother: a man much older than me, roughly her age, proposed when I graduated college (my father is my grandmother’s age). I couldn’t even see the irony; I thought it was love, truly, despite the insanity, and the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I knew I was not ready to take on such a life without resentment. He was picking baby names when I left America and moved to China. I have been traveling around the world since; now I live in Korea. I have given myself the space to grow. Away from the voices and familial pressures. I cannot say I have escaped my mother’s fate. We still speak. She wants to finish her bachelor’s degree soon, now that my siblings are out of the house mostly. A bachelor’s degree I got at the age of twenty, graduating earlier than my peers. A bachelor’s degree my mother never earned, as she dropped out of university when she was pregnant with me.
'Occasional kindness does not nullify the effects of abuse.' I felt that.
😢
YESS
Ouch.
THIS!!
No one is mean all the time. That is what make ppl human. That is also what makes abuse so confusing. Poverty also causes stress and abuse.
My two cents is no ppl in poverty should have children.
“Mothers and daughters existing as wretched mirrors of each other: I am all you could have been, and you are all I might be”
😢😢😢😢😢
This is so so true
Oof
what is this quoted from?
@@Jane-fn8wx God damn.
the part in Lady Bird where she goes "yeah but do you like me?". I always feel like my mother competes with me
I mostly feel that way with my sister.
I got through that with my mother.
So true, even when she is happy about my success I still feel that she is jealous maybe a little...but lately it feels more and more, the older I get and she gets
I’ve said this to my husband more times than I can count about my mom.
“I don’t think she even likes me, the version of me that is catered to her to make her feel loved and comfortable, she doesn’t like. She would hate me if she really knew me.”
@@0912sooli I can relate to how you feel. Sorry about that.😕
Same bestie my mother is a covert narcissist
I'm 25 and I'm TERRIFIED of turning into my mother. I both love her and resent her. I realize she's a product of her horrible childhood and equally horrible marriage. I've had to take on the job of being her therapist, best friend, security guard, and mother when I should just be her daughter. Her life is a misery that she refuses to free herself from due to religious reasons, and she sometimes takes out her anger on her children.
I don't want to be like my mother, I want to break the cycle. 🚫🌀
And most likely your child will too collapse at the thought of becoming like you. It’s all a full circle dear. You’re not escaping the cycle at all. The most you can do is stop focusing on who not to become like and focus on simply being the highest vibratory energy you can be and let being like your mother resonate on a higher frequency. Bc you will never avoid being like the person you came out of. All you can do is be the very best version of her. Or not.
@@DrLauraRPalmer that is so mean, oh my god. there are good parents out there whose children don't "collapse at the thought of becoming like them" so why wouldn't she be able to become one of those parents one day?
Your mom is sucking on your life energy and youth because she probably internally blames you for ruining her youth and now resents you for this and envies your appearance. So if you want to break the cycle get away from her, don't contact her in anyway so she can reflect and go through stages of grief. Also avoid having kids because your inner trauma may surface and you could end up doing this to your own daughter. Take care of animals instead, they are better than people.
Bring religion into her conduct she should forgive herself for what has been out of her own control and hold onto forgiveness and faith in a higher good self. I have my own demons with looking in the mirror and seeing my mother once I had children. You realize the chaos a person can create around them is because they lack self accountability past all their traumas and that is what weighs on people's hearts. If a person doesn't overcome it it can show up in relationships.
Something that allowed me to grow was watching Jordan's Peterson lectures on the psychological significance of the bible. G
@@Joyann1523 Religion is partially why she's the way she is so, no thanks!
"How good are you intentions, really, if you do not acknowledge the impact they have?"
So good, I had to write that down
Excellent video
Intentions matter as much as impact
@@Demonetization_Symbol if you don't acknowledge the impact then your intentions can destroy it.
If you give a sick person medicine they can become healthy, but if you don't see the that and keep giving a healthy person medicine they can get sick of the medicine again.
Exactly the sentiment I have when looking back at that one night I was praying in tears for God to help me heal from a really bad nightmare about my mom that scarred me. I was crying at evening prayer with my mom, because that was supposed to be my safe space where we can both be honest and be there for each other, with God as our witness. But she was offended by my dream... as if I had the conscious thought to choose to believe the lies in the nightmare that so inexplicably hurt me still? So she started listing reasons why the nightmare might've been right, started telling me how many ways I'm flawed and undesirable. We haven't had an evening prayer together again ever since. She claims she intended to help me realize how I could be better as a person when that clearly was not the effect. This was the biggest betrayal I've ever had in my life thus far and I still haven't quite recovered from that depression to this day. I can only look back bitterly at the fact that she still feels no remorse for what she did to me that night when I was already at my most vulnerable state. I'm still so very angry that I no longer have the luxury to maintain the naivety I once had of trusting her to be my comfort and healing embrace... to be my *mother*. The devil ensared another soul in his web of darkness that night, and I am deeply scarred by the fact that my own mother had a hand in it and even has the gall to deny any fault.
Lol, I’ve seen every single movie referenced in this video
I’ve told my mom to her face, “I love you because I have to, I don’t like you. I don’t like anyone in our family.” I was probably 14 if not younger. I’ve never regretted it. They deserve to know the kind of relationship they fostered.
🫂
I told her I hate her, never liked her and never will 😂 I feel the anger is just so unfulfilling because she is just an unconscious animal who doesn’t even get it. She will just go on like ‘what did I do?’
This somehow reminds me of a different experience.
My mother has a habit of “making a lot of mistakes.” Meaning none of her pregnancies were planned, but she doesn’t believe in abortion because of course she doesn’t. I’m 90% sure I was born because of r@pe.
She got pregnant with this super abusive guy (she still talks with him even though he did a plethora of horrible things to all of her children, his children, and herself. Things I won’t get into, but know that he should be in jail rn.).
Of course the pregnancy was an “accident”… a.k.a “haha I’m out of protection but I’m gonna do it anyways and just hope!” Thankfully, my mother has a history of pregnancy issues and had a high chance of miscarriage, but the fact she was an alcoholic and constantly drunk also helped.
I don’t remember how the conversation happened, but she and her boyfriend decided to use the miscarriage in an argument against me. They liked to blame me for everything. I remember retorting with something similar to “thank god it died! That way it never has to deal with horrible parents like you!”
I don’t regret it. I still stand by what I said. If she ever brings it up with me, I will reiterate it. What I do regret is that I’m still in contact with her, but it’s not going to stay that way. My family is dysfunctional beyond belief. My grandmother is the only person I somewhat like, and she’s the one who’s been desperate to have my mother and I reconcile. I’m sorry, grandma, but the moment you pass away, the only thing connecting the rest of the family to me will be my last name. If I didn’t like my last name, I would change that, too, but i think it’s pretty sick, so I’m keeping it.
@@janettewong9900 As they should.
OWAHHAHAHOOOO SICK BIRNN!!! that's literally me xDD I've been consistently abused since childhood and I needed to hear that ahhah
I read according to a neuroscience study that mother-daughter relationship is the closest inter generational bond because in a healthy relationship a mother can more easily empathize with her daughter, is able to fit more easily into her daughter’s shoes in any given situation and experience what she is experiencing in a more profound way. Conversely, if it is the closest relationship, and if a mother fails to provide a healthy environment for her daughter, it is the relationship that can damage you the most, that can break you the most.
Any link to the study? I need to read
Can you provide that study please
You can also watch a JSC true crime video titled the Case of Jon Koppenhaver (WarMachine) specifically his girlfriend and her mother
what study was this? Do you have a link?
Where did you read this? I'd love to check it out ❤
literally just SEEING clips from the joy luck club and everything everywhere all at once and ladybird makes me want to cry
yep i’m crying
@@sweetangeldthIt's okay to cry honestly. People and society expect you to be strong, but tears don't neccesarily mean weakness.
Im 42 years and i still never will be like my mother. Pushing out endless children to feel loved, needing men to feel valued, eating everything in sight because of both these ideas failing, screaming and abusing the kids, men and friends who didnt fulfil her wishes to feel loved and valued. Cutting off any friend with a different point of view who "doesn't understand". Blaming everybody else for her own deep seated problems while simultaneously utterly destroying the minds and lives of those she blames, including her own children because they didn't do what she invisaged to feel loved.
I'm glad you'll break that cycle. I hope your mother heals as much as possible, for herself and for those around her
Do you have any advice for someone with adrenal fatigue and a similarly dysfunctional family?
@@Aster-v8j wow....are you asking me? Because I could do but only from my own experience....I'm not qualified in anything. And I still have no help right now myself.
@@victoria.xseven7913 I'm not asking for a thesis, but how in your own experience did you stay healthy enough till now?
I guess what I'm saying is I tried self help, Better Help, and asking help from doctors and social social workers but all imply they need demonstrable proof of harm. This is like drowning for minutes before anyone's permitted to pull you out. Most will drown.
@@Aster-v8j I am not healthy enough actually.....my psyche and body were destroyed and I'm still battling to put back pieces together with other pieces that continually fall back away.....don't know what you mean by thesis since I never spoke of such.
I am a guy. My dad tormented me emotionally growing up. He gave me the I should send you a bill for being born speech. It was devastating. I went no contact at 33. No contact was devastating. My whole life has been an entire wasteland of devastation.
Something hits different when it comes to same-sex abusive parents. I think it's watching your face grow into the person you hate the most but at some point so desperately wanted their love, a long time ago
Hope u find peace brother
Sending internet hugs ❤❤❤
My brothers father was just the worst as well and my brother isn’t here with us anymore largely bc of it. I would try so hard to tell him his own worth isn’t tied up with that man, I hope you don’t feel that also. I think he idolized him so much when he was young he was determined to become a version of himself his dad wouldn’t treat like shit. But you know your dad, if he isn’t the type of person to reconcile then perhaps it is best you limit involvement but you can make that look however you want. You’re in control of it. I have weird relationships with my parents frankly bc I choose to be in their lives but with distance involved. Don’t let little things like what people think, even your dad, get in the way of how you want shit to be like. It’s okay to want a relationship with a shitty person, especially if you know how to handle it. Sorry for the long ass reply, just know how much you matter and that the faults lie not with you my man. And it’s never ever too late for anything.
I am sorry this happened to you.
I can't umagine the amount of pressure your father probably put on you to be great, but from what I hear, it sounds like a horrible experience you went through.
You have my condolences.
selforphan
Now I understand why my mother and sister were distressed when they realized they would be giving birth to a daughter. That fear and rejection stemmed from viewing the task of raising a woman as difficult is painful to hear for me.
It’s so sad that a lot of women don’t want to have daughters. And I’m a child free by choice woman.
Some societies foster deeply rooted hatred towards women. Women get the feeling that they’re not wanted or at least not preferred comparing to men and they start to hate themselves. That hatred will extend to their sisters, daughters, other female relatives and friends, and in the end all other women ever existed.
I know LOTS of Asian women who wished they were men or wanted to be men in another life. They’re not trans. They just hate being women and the general treatment they get from the society for being women.
@@kameralkutie5594 Yes, it's because female children in general, tend to be mistreated a lot by other people.
It is a sad thing indeed, but not that much of a shocking phenomenon, because it has been happening very oftenly.
My own mother looked very panicked when she heard I was having a girl… I was initially panicked as well but self aware enough to push past it and realize I was internalizing her sentiments.
She cursed me a few years ago that I would have a kid that would treat me like I did her. “Then I’ll see” meaning she hoped my kids would emotionally torment me the way she feels I tormented her.
Moms should never say shit like this cuz all it did was make me feel like she never wanted me in the first place. All I did to torment her was literally have dreams that weren’t hers…
@@Itsnotworthit-cd2kb I know how you feel. The first thing my mom said about my daughter was that she wasn't 'fair enough'. The second thing was 'I hope she makes you feel the pain you made me feel'.
I have never forgiven her for it. My baby deserved nothjng but love the day she was born. I don't remember what i yelled at them in the room that day. I was frothing in the mouth with pure rage. But no one in my family has brought up those sort of words ever since.
This was ridiculously well done. The comparisons between all the different characters and show they apply to a mother daughter relationship. As someone who grew up with an immigrant mother this is all too real. She would never talk about her pain and would always put up a strong face. This changed around middle-school when I started disagreeing with her. Eventually things shifted around and we started seeing our relationship in a new light. Now I’m soon to graduate and I’m happy we’ve made these changes in our relationship :D
Thank you so much and I'm really happy to hear your relationship with your mom has improved
@@movie.notepad Thank you :D and thank u for making this video
“When Lady Bird is awarded her highschool diploma, Marion says that she walked weirdly across the stage.”
Huh, well that’s accurately my mother as well. She always has something to say that puts me down in every milestone of my life.
@@aswordmadefromthebloodofmy4925 As much as my mother used to be a toxic person, noone else was meaner in my family and made me frustrated than my sister.
Same my mother was always my worst enemy. Always there to kick me when I was already down.
Same! I finished my PhD three weeks ago. Her only remark was „I bet you were sweating your tits off during the Defense.“ and that was all.
Anything I do, she never hesitates to remind me that she was better in that way than me when she was my age, and was more successful.
True😢
the urge to copy the link to this video and send it to my mom
My next best thing is to send it to my bestie who also has massive mommy issues; we're all in pain, but we do it ✨together✨ 🤣🥹💀
The urge for me to get everyone's mom's emails and send it to them like it's some mysterious divine message 🤣🤣
i would love to do the same, but my mom doesn't know english.
Lmao
SAME
The sad thing is that my mother won't heal. She refuses to believe she needs it. I understand why she has done and continues to do the things she does even if it harms me, but because she refuses to believe she needs to change and refuses to put the work in, I resent her for what she's done to me and always will. And I will still feel guilty for it even if I shouldn't.
My mom is similar. She has this weird obsession with the idea of being "strong" that she refuses any sort of vulnerability or softness. It should be fine in the sense that we're all for supporting strong independent women in society, but to be invalidating her own daughter's feelings and disregarding the hurt she's caused her? It honestly makes me sick, and it's partially because I have to carry twice the load of shame and disgust she just refuses to carry for herself.
I have exactly the same situation. It's like my mother is morbidly afraid of being told that she might've done something wrong.
As a child, my mom would constantly criticize me for the clothes I wore, for me not being “feminine” enough and overall not liking the same stuff she did. She didn’t pick on my brother the way she did with me
I forget that I was close to my mom. I loved her, I grieved her and now as an adult I’m sick of her
When I was a teenager, things got really bad. She spiraled due to a complicated mental illness and this would lead to the family suffering at her hands. I would get hurt, verbally abused and I felt like I was nothing. Only as I write this now as an adult do I realize that the damage is so much less without her around. Do I miss her? No. I used to when I was a child, a teenager even but as an adult my patience has run out. When someone dear to me left this life early thanks to her bullshit did I finally snap
After being told by people (including my own father), that I should be patient with her as if she wasn’t actively hurting me, that my pain “wasn’t that bad” to other people in this world, after years of therapy did it finally click for me. Yes she was my mother and yes I am (unfortunately) her daughter. She had several chances to make amends with not just me but my family but she never bothered to make an effort
I used to blame myself as a teenager, as if somehow her poor choices were my fault. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be her daughter. I didn’t ask her to be my mother
But at the end of the day, the only thing she did right was make me realize I’m not fit to be a parent. If I can’t even stomach the thought of a child that looks or sounds like me calling me mother, that’s more than enough proof that I wish to be nothing like her. The worst part is she too came from an abusive and dysfunctional family, which only makes me hate her more. She subjected us to the same pain she was raised with
Perhaps it’s for the best that I find my own definition of motherhood. One that doesn’t include her
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I'm glad you've been able to reflect on everything and understand that you are not at all to blame and your pain shouldn't be invalidated.
@@movie.notepadThank you! It’s nice to be able to live in peace without her honestly. She’s somewhere far away and I’ve been no contact for years
I’m doing well nowadays and therapy has helped! I basically have to re-parent myself and slowly undo the damage both parents have caused. I have good friends that help ❤️
My pets are my daughters. I know caring for an animal is nowhere near the same as raising a child, but from an emotional standpoint it's surreal to see how much my dog resembles me as a child (quiet, clean, as unobtrusive as can be), while my cat is pretty much the opposite way (energetic, curious, and generally a pest), similar to the way I actually wanted to be growing up, and the position that leaves me in as their guardian (their mother). I saw myself replicating patterns I'm not proud of, from my own relationship with my mother, but unlike her I have the self-awareness to realize that's wrong and these girls deserve better from me because adopting them was my choice, and also... They just do. We all do deserve to be cherished, to be loved... Right? They've been instrumental for me in my healing journey, my dog in particular. She deserves a freaking monument.
Thanks for this video analysis. I live on a different continent than my mom. When I was a kid I just wanted some love and attention. A simple "what's wrong?", a warm hug and "Everything is all right now, mom is here" would have fixed most of my distresses. However, because she never experienced this herself, she gave me what her mom gave her instead: endless criticisms. "Shut the F up! Stop crying! No child in this world is as badly behaved as you!" Now that she is old and is afraid I wouldn't go back to see her, she acts like SHE is a super well-behaved child. She would tell me on the phone how amazing her days are with a child-like wonder. Since she falls apart if I dare to correct anything she says or have a different opinion than her about anything, she would do all of the talking, and all I can respond is "uh-huh. That's great." She's perfectly content not asking and not hearing anything about how my life is going. It's a f***ed up way of interaction. When I visit her, she would go into controlling mode. I used to get really mad, but I realized that my whole life, me feeling sad, angry, helpless, frustrated have no effect on her. She is completely not in touch with other people's feelings, her own feelings. She is unable to connect with people, despite her bragging constantly having tons of friends. It took me a long time to learn that her friendships are extremely transactional. She gives lots of gifts to people, and they return a lot of gifts (baked goods, fruits etc. We are Asians), and that's considered "intimate friendship". She has no idea how people think, what they think. When she watches movies/TV shows she only comments if the actors are good looking or ugly. Now I have completely detached myself from the desire of wanting to connect with my mother. I just observe all her absurd behaviors as if I am an anthropologist. The characters in these movies are at least somewhat self-aware, or they develop some self-awareness towards the end of the movie to make the audience feel better. This is not the case for everybody in real life.
Your situation with your mom reminds me of that quote that goes "people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves". It really stuck with me
I feel a lot of this so much. And because I have to gray rock and observe, I feel detached from a part of myself that I’ll never get to know because of the hand I was dealt. At least that’s what it seems like now..
I don't have the same level of dysfunction, but many of the elements you've experienced, I can relate to (no comfort, shame for negative emotions, phone calls meant for validation, inability to understand how others feel or think unless she's been in that exact scenario). I've also noticed a correlation between my childhood emotional neglect and how I've noticed my mom's interactions as an adult. I can't say I've entirely given up, but I save all my raw feelings for others or just myself and just stay civil and lighthearted with her.
My mother was an abuser. The first few seconds of this hit hard. My mother never wanted me and I wanted to look up to her; and it never worked. She hurt me so badly; I understand and know that she’s just a person but I can’t feel more than that. I can break the cycle by not having children, and that is what I will do.
I'm so sorry. You definitely do not owe love to someone who hurts you like that. If your way of breaking the cycle is by not having children, that's perfectly fine. I hope no one shames you for that (which unfortunately happens very often to those who wish not to have kids).
Not having children won't break the cycle, you can be different than her you have to believe it
@@Justinn229 I’m disabled my dude. And, honestly even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to expose a potential child to this danger.
@Justinn229 Not everyone can afford to have kids. Plus it's weird to have a kid just to make a point against your family rather having them because they're wanted.
@@ClownHoundII I didn't say that! I don't have kids lol I know , i mean don't think that following your parents path will lead the same result
When Ladybird first came out, i remember feeling so angry toward it because "Ugh the daughter is so disrespectful toward her mom!" But when I watched it, i saw so much of myself and my mothers relationship in that movie that it freaked me out. The dress scene reminds of when me, my mom, and my younger sister went dress shopping. I found this beautiful light blue gown I just adored, it made me feel like a regency era princess. When I tried it on and revealed it to her, she just shrugged and said "It looks fine." But when my sister tried on a dress, she was fawning over her.
Another time is when I went to see Everything Everywhere all at once, my all time favorite movie by the way. I remember crying in the cinema so fucking hard during the scene where Joy confronts her mom. When I took my mother to see it, she interpreted it as "A movie where the daughter is mean to her mom"
It is based on personal perspective. It is reflected from inward to outward. That's why people's opinions are biased. They want to tell the "truth" but actually just their own "truth".
What you see as good may not be the same with other people, including the close people. That's why I stay quiet. Some people critics me for not open up and tell the truth. I mean what "truth". Even when I explained more, none of them will understand. They simply want to hear and see what is right according to them. They call me crazy when something is wrong with my brother. They all said he is nice and I am such a terrible sister to say the "truth". Until it was coming up and hurts so many people. Then, they call me a witch. I don't get it. It's not prediction. It's what I feel inside. Something is wrong. It could be not right. When I share it, they call me crazy. My mother also call me dumbass. Until what I said is happening. So there is no point to keep talking to adults, including mom. She thinks know everything and everyone in the house. But the truth is she doesn't even know her husband enough to the point blindly not see the cheating scandals actually happening. Smh.
It’s crazy how so many people have such a strained relationship, I just went to no contact with my mother because I realized how abusive she actually was
It really is so unfortunate. I hope the no contact and distance improves your life and mental health. Sadly sometimes that is the right solution
@ thank you ❤️
I know right. If the mother is so toxic, we don’t need to tolerate. I cute contact with mine too.
@@PoussinetteFern good for you!! Set those boundaries and live your life
If I could gift my mother anything, I’d give her my life. She passed taking care of and putting everyone first but herself and her dreams. I would want her to be bold, unapologetic and do what she wanted and not what others think she should, not even me. I’d hope she wouldn’t have us at all.
As a Chinese descent man, I witness this in my family, that is my mom and my sister. I am the golden boy as the 'societal standard'. But I really hate that my sister and I still experience the generational trauma my mom experienced (she grew up in broken home).
Also, the fact that our dad is emotionally distant and completely uninvolved in our development, is not helping the situation. The 'traditional standard' of mom (home oriented) and dad (earning money) doesn't work. There's lack of empathy and emotional connection.
Tbh, my sister and I are older millenials almost hitting 40, but we don't have desire to have our own family. Observing our parents, we just don't see the point of it.
My parents had the most abusive relationship I’ve seen out of all the people in my life. They lived for validation from society, and not for family. Out of that vitriol came 3 of us. For some reason my mother targeted me as I was the quiet, shy daughter. From degrading remarks towards my appearance and dressing starting as early as 10/11 years, to complete character assassination among all my relatives and later on in laws, she has done it all. I used to pray day and night that I get to leave home for college. Eventually she claimed it was all her hard work because of which I got a college degree. She was the reason I’d decided never to be a mother, only to hear from her how big of a failure I am for not having children. Now at 35, I’m soon having our first child, and I pray every day that I am able to break the curse of their patriarchy and the generational trauma that they imbibed from their parents and passed onto us. I hope my child sees nothing of my mother or grandmother in me
Congratulations on starting the motherhood journey. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that with your mother. The fact that you are reflective of your mother's mistakes and so intentionally care to bring your child more kindness is already a huge step in breaking that generational trauma. Your child is lucky to have someone so self-aware raising them. Don't be too hard on yourself, you'll be great ❤
Hopefully you're able to access or are accessing therapy or have a strong support network. It can be difficult to give what wasn't given to you. Difficult...but never impossible.
This made me cry so hard I threw up. This hit a little too close to home, I guess. My mom just turned 60 and I feel like only just now she's able to reflect how much of her hangups have affected me in life. And now it's like we finally have space to exist independently of each other and actually see each other without her constantly trying to control me. It's just sad how for some relationships it can take so long.
My relationship with my mother has always been complicated, but now with my parents' divorce I can see her for herself for the first time in my life. And one of the many conclusions I've come to is that I'm not afraid to be like her, I admire her for her courage and love for life, but I'm afraid to be like her, to follow the same fate.
I'm still coming to terms with myself about my relationships, my feelings, and myself as a whole, so I haven't had the courage to talk to her about it yet.Or about how her actions hurt me and continue to hurt me, how one word and one look turns me into a hurt child crying alone in bed.This video made me understand a lot about my relationship with my mother.Thank you very much!
I'm glad to have helped and hope you're able to have that discussion with your mother when you're ready. My relationship with my own mother took some difficult open dialogue to get better, but the more emotional expression is normalized, the easier it becomes.
Why did i cry and why was this so good?! Watching it, felt like this was a video with already thousands of views, I can't believe this didn't blew up yet!
Aw thanks so much! It means the world to me that it touched you like that
I had to skip forwards parts of this video because it made me flinch so hard.
🖤
Yes lots of triggers. I felt it too. Sending ❤️ ❤
yep same, you are not alone 🫂 its an incredibly important and powerful video but its also important to recognize the pains it brings up, too. take care of yourselves
I don’t even know what to say. You’ve basically said everything that needed to be. Uh I think this video just changed the trajectory of my life forever.
Thank you for saying this. It truly means a lot to me
@@movie.notepad your video made me understand so much and made me feel understood in ways that are so deeply moving
Same
Same here as well.
Generational trauma and family health issues led me to decide, as young as 6 or 7, that I would never have children. My family has a history of severe chronic pain, illness, mental illness, and addiction, which have often led to depression and even suicide. My father’s chronic health issues and pain were passed down to me, and my mother and father both dealt with schizophrenia, which has impacted my life deeply. I also inherited a genetic condition with a 50% chance of passing it on, possibly even worse in a child, and this has caused periods of depression since childhood. Given my own health struggles, I can’t risk putting a child through the same, especially since I struggle just to take care of myself. There’s not much I’m proud of, but I am proud of deciding early on to never have kids instead of continuing the cycle just so I can make use of my maternal instincts.
Im 14. I think throughout my whole life everyone in my family have told me im a spitting image of my mother. Looks, emotions, my stubborness, my leadership skills, everything. I hate it, because the way my mother grew to raise me was not even like a mother. She just treated me like a small friend with strict realistic rules. Im scared to grow up to be like her, i wanna be kind, caring, patient. But im not. Im just like my mother.
You take influence from those that are around you . I was and still abused by her , only its more subtle . She has turned alot of my my family members against me and has gone on a smear campaign about me since I was a child . If I'm not careful I could pass that abuse down to my own child.. you can do the work and be your own person especially if you can recognize unhealthy patterns.. I'm 30 and I'm still fighting it . Most of us are
I went no contact from my mother. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to. It was like amputating a limb. The relationship was diseased and could never be saved. This video however, helped dull the bitterness and hatred I had for her and gives me perspective in what forgiveness means without sacrificing my inner peace. I’m still angry sometimes, but I’m realizing just how deep these societal roots go and sometimes it’s just out of our control. What I can control is how I re-parent my inner child now. So, thank you ❤
Ugh relatable!😢❤ You take care!
I’ve always loved my mom, but I didn’t like her for a long time. (I still don’t like my dad). BUT, I’ve begun to like her in these past few years. A big part of that is because she learned and grew as a person. And I have too. I also realized that just because you’re an adult, doesn’t mean you have everything automatically figured out. I could go on about how my mom and I use to fight all the time when I was little, but I want to focus on the fact that my mom was capable of change. And that now she’s one of my best friends ❤️
I had the same experience with my mom. When I was a tween and teen, she drove me crazy, and I think she was actually a little crazy back then. We're immigrants and she grew up with a lot of trauma, especially around her mom. She is more at peace now, I am more sympathetic/empathetic now, and we are able to be friends.
@@vbrown6445 that’s nice that you both became closer over time 💗 My mom (and my dad) ate both immigrants too
OMG your comment is making me tear up, this is EXACTLY the relationship I have with my mother, you put it into such amazing words
@ aww💕 I hope you and your mother continue to be friends too! Thank you for your sweet comment 😇
"When a daughter's greatest fear is becoming like her mother".
That line felt SO threatening but SO real.
I met 2 female friends who had that similar painfull experience with me...
Being scared of ending up like our mothers. It's a scary thought, because imagine having a person cultivating your life, your personality and your appearance similar to theirs (mother towards daughter).
And if their lives sucked, the possibility of having your life similar to theirs is sky high.
My sister managed to escape that fate, but I didn't because our mother treated me way worse than her. And it was a horrible experience.
20:41 they all had their power stripped and swallowed their pain and now the only outlet they have/only power they have is over their daughter. 💔
Always had a toxic relationship with my mom. Screaming, fighting, verbal abuse, manipulation, judging (she tried putting me on a strict diet at 10 years old type vibes)… it’s been a journey and it’s still a struggle but I realised that actually, my mom is the way she is because she has her own hurt and trauma that she hasn’t dealt with. Yes, I don’t want to be like my mom, but I’m starting to understand her and why she is the way she is. Is she toxic? Yes. Am I justifying her? No. She needs to heal on her own. What I’m saying is that you develop a sense of patience and peace when you realise your mom is also hurt from some things. When I move out, I don’t intend to visit often and long, but understanding these facts helps with peace and patience for now if that makes sense
You put it so well. You can come to understand certain things without excusing the behavior, and that can make worlds of a difference.
@@movie.notepad thank you 🙏🏽 it’s been a journey 😅
@@Justanotheruser123-j1g I honestly felt that way more with my sister.
While I used to think my mother was also mean and toxic with me, noone else made me more frustrated than my sister's rude behaviour.
@@missstranger7697 I understand this completely. Ironically, my sister was almost as frustrating as my mom too. Our relationship became easier when she got married and moved out
@@Justanotheruser123-j1g are you samantha? never mind if i am wrong
"Who ensures the mother is taken care of" SHEEEEEEESH. That's the one! I am a mother of two boys I birthed and a baby girl I didn't birth. And boy howdy, folks are first to criticize how you parent but never ask "how's the parent?".
You seem like a very loving mother. I hope you have a good support system around you to help take care of you too
@@movie.notepad thank you so much for the kind words. I'm trying my best. But it's definitely different parenting now than how my mom had it with us. Mainly with the fact that while I was around aunts, uncles, and cousins and was raised around them.... My kids unfortunately don't have that. So where some generational curses end, new ones crop up because they will absolutely not know their heritage by way of grandparents or extended family. The loneliness epidemic effects more than just making friends or meeting significant others.... Families aren't the same either for better and worst. Leading more parents, more mothers, to carry the load of teaching rather than a community teaching and raising up a child. I definitely see how it has effected my own kids and how they navigate through school (the only face to face social venue they have).
Might be worth looking into for a video essay! With how excellent you did with this one, I know if you were to do one about that it'd be a banger!
That's incredibly true. I also have firsthand experience with the whole distance from family situation. Both my parents grew up around lots of family, but since my father immigrated and my mother is a second generation immigrant, we didn't live near their families when I was growing up. It's been interesting to observe the differences between how I view family and how they do because of it.
You're right, that's a great video idea. I hadn't thought about the loneliness epidemic through that lens and it adds such dimension. I've been having trouble thinking of new video ideas and this might just be it. Thanks so much!
Why do you feel the need to describe your daughter as "one you didn't birth"? Seriously? That's the defining relationship between you and your daughter is that she didn't come out of your body?
No wonder you think folks are first to criticize the parent... I can see why you experience that. You can't even mention your daughter without letting people know she's not really yours. What a terrible way for her to grow up...
@@user-gg8tl5yt7d You're making a lot of assumptions and truly come across as the people online who believe parents need to be perfect regardless of any nuancw
What a great video! As a daughter, it's interesting to see my feelings of discontent with my mother validated while also being challenged to have empathy for her. The relationship between mother and daughter is so complicated
really love learning more about this topic, since I feel like it's often taboo for daughters to speak "critically" about their mothers. there's a lot of love and a lot of hurt that is experienced in these types of relationships, it's ultimately incredibly interesting to try and unpack.
The Joy Luck Club has to be my favorite book to movie combo. They’re both so great. I remember my mom telling me the movie in detail as a child (early elementary school), at the time I don’t think she knew it was a book. I ended up having to read the book in high school and I loved every second of it. I liked it way more than the other kids in my class. I love how they display generational trauma and cycles that must be broken.
I became obsessed with EEAAO as soon as I saw it the first time. I saw it 3 times in theater. I’ve cried everytime, the movie gets me so bad. I’m not Asian or the daughter of immigrants but I resonated with not feeling seen by my parents due to their own traumas.
These are incredible movies, great video!
My mom just passed away unexpectedly. I’m 24. We were as close as sisters, it was always just us. A single mother and her only daughter. This video makes me look fondly upon our lives together ❤️
I'm so so sorry. My deepest condolences 🤍
Me too😢
This is the first video essay that made me cry this hard
The more you run from it, the faster you run into it. The best way, accept it all. Accept your mother for who she is, don’t live to be accepted by her. This does not mean let her talk to you anyway, this means she is who she is and she will change if she wants. Learn from her. Learn her flaws and learn from them. She’s you from the future and literal living proof of one path you can take. You have to live your life or become her…as she became her mother trying to rebel against her. Little did she know, her mother did the same thing. Snarky, negative, absent…look at your relationships and see if you treat people like that too. There’s no excuse for her to be rude to you but that’s not an excuse for you to be rude either. Get some space from each other and grow so you can show your mother another way, as she only knows what her mother taught her.
Wow thanks, that's an interesting introspective you revealed to me.
🎉🎉
Underrated comment!!! Deserves more likes
I've been no contact with my mother for a year now. I waited so long for her to become more mature, to listen, to stop gaslighting me and actually accept me for who I am instead of shaming me into continuing to serve her. She didn't heal her own trauma before having me and she still refuses to work on herself. I won't be making the same mistake.
Me too it was about a year ago 😢 congrats to us for sticking to the decision, I know that was hard!!! But I hope you feel freedom when reminded of mothers. I feel this video kind of insinuates we the daughters, should be patient and kind and take care of them and save them from themselves or something. But I don't think this is true at all and I'm proud of you for moving on from someone who was hurting you. ❤
@@CoreyStewart91 I totally support going no contact if the situation calls for it and it seems that was the right choice for both of you. I think it's great to try and be as compassionate and understanding as possible as long as it's not harmful to you. But it's true that if someone (whether a mother, father, friend, partner, even a child in some circumstances, etc.) isn't being receptive to your help and is hurting you, you have to prioritize taking care of yourself.
Often, people assume no contact is done out of spite. However, no contact is the last resort. It comes after years and years and hours of dialogue trying to get them to understand. Tears and heartbreak. People have no idea how hard these children have tried to maintain a better relationship that does not harm their mental health. But to watch their own parents not give a single fuck despite how hard they are trying to heal and move forward, and to see these parents just want to continue and perpetuate generational trauma, sometimes that's enough to go contact. For the insensitive fools that will say, but that's still your mother or father, just because someone had a child does not make them worthy or deserving of calling them a parent. Adult children get to choose. If they terminate contact, I almost always look back at the parent. It goes against every biological cell in our body to cut contact. Imagine the amount of abuse and turmoil a child must go through to decide that this is the best path forward, only when all other avenues have been exhausted. That's why I struggle to understand those that argue going no contact is petty and frivolous. It is neither and they don't understand the first thing about that decision.
@pachachaslide this is so well said and validating 😭😭😭 I keep finding myself trying to convince others of the reality of the pain I suffered, it is retraumatizing to continually be told I should act differently. That person, like my parents, are not concerned for my well being but for the status quo to remain in tact, for the idea of unconditional familial love being an inate thing ugh. I'm just gonna start telling people they died, I know I'm strong for finally walking away, I still have to wake up and make that same choice again each day, I have to re-decide to not allow them contact to me every single day and it's been years
Yup, becoming my mother has always been my greatest fear. I see more of her in me now that I’ve reached middle age and that terrifies me, but we are still fundamentally VERY different people. I’ve worked hard to make sure of that.
It's a big struggle in my households, with both of my parents. I love them, and they love me, but they have also hurt me in a lot of ways. From my mid-teen years to now as an adult, I have spent most of the time away from home studying, but also essentially growing up by myself. This has been isolation, but at the same time means that I have had the space to grow into my own person away from my parents trauma and trauma-causing behaviours. It's still tough with them though, I as an adult child have intervened in their fights and tried to explain to them, to soothe them with the hope of mending their broken relationship. The attempt nearly broke me. I have once again distanced myself from the situation, and regained my own peace, yet it continues to pain me that I did not succeed. I will return to them of course. But sadly, healing them is a responsibility I fear too great for me to handle, and my home country has a piss poor attitude towards mental health (service is equally poor).
Please don't see your efforts as failure. You've done what you can and I'm sure made worlds of a difference. They're lucky to have you as a child with how much you care, especially despite the hurt you've endured.
"Love that lacks sympathy is not love that is excusable" damn..
I saw myself and my mother throughout this video thank you I now understand a few things
I still haven't recovered from Everything Everywhere All at Once. It reflects my family to a tee. Without the happy ending, unfortunately.
Great video. I definitely saw some connections here between me and my mother, especially the talks of fearing of becoming my mother and culture clashes.
When you describe the parent’s POV- it’s always been something I reflected on, however, my mother told me about her childhood at a young age. In elementary, I knew of all my mom’s core memories of trauma, and my grandmother cried to me about her brothers molesting her- on top of the pressures of doing everything around the house because she’s a daughter. I always listened, understood, & empathized with the intermediate women in my family, but where was that for me? I realized at age 24, this year, that I had to give that empathy & compassion to myself. I was the mother when I was a child, I was also the scapegoat & target to release anger. Their pain & anger was mine, but my pain & anger was just mine. & i’m no contact now.
Also, to add- my mom would compare her abuse to mine & thought she was better than her mother. In adulthood, I had to break it to her that she inflicted the same pain & trauma. I even had an uncle that thought my generation got less abuse, I made him aware that I was abused the same exact ways he was.
If this is you too, after realizing.. I wish you the best, love. With all my heart, I pray you heal safely & feel peace. We are not our experiences & circumstances, we are not the body.. we are the soul having an experience. when I have PTSD, I tell myself “It’s over now. you’re safe.” I prioritize myself and it’s healing.. We create our lives, set boundaries, & live ❤
When I was a child/teen, all I wanted was to be an adult. & I meant it, I love having a real safe space.
My relationship with my mom is so awful and we can't bear the sight of one another. Our relationship is so complicated and thorny and I always thought that it was on me because I see what my mom goes through and can't even take the step forward. But it's so hard to approach or even care to approach someone that doesn't even like you. When I explain it, it sounds sad, but I feel nothing towards the state of our relationship. I don't care to fix it or bond or anything like that. It's in absolute shambles and I'm okay with it. It sounds terrible but leaving things as they are is so much less exhausting than trying to fix them because we'll just realise all over again that we don't like each other.
I felt every word
Was fighting tears at school watching this
Commenting for the algorithm. Im currently studying sociology and focusing on the mother-daughter relationship in media has helped me to understand some aspects. I love your analysis!
"When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn't true"
Now I know why this song resonate with me so much, when I'm away from home for college, I'm worse for the better
I sing this exact song to myself too when I'm unhappy with my mom 🥹💔
What's the title of the song?
@@_.blue._ Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish
Thank you for making this video! As a woman raised in the "eastern way" whilst able to access all information and education influenced by the west, i feel confused and unable to point out what's wrong with my constant clashing point of view. By making this video, you voiced and rationalize my internal struggles for all these years. I hope this video found their target audience just like this video found me. This is excellent ❤❤
This was my mother and I felt free when she’d passed. She had great qualities but it didn’t out balance the bad in her and I hated everything about her and still do. She could have had a mother/daughter relationship but I decided to move out instead
I would love this see a video on the other side of the coin. I remember a quite that said that daughters laugh at their mothers with their fathers not realizing that they'll end just like them
I've heard that quote and it definitely opened my eyes. I've even talked about it with my mother
Oh I’d love to see an exploration of father-daughter relationships in this way. It also reminds me of this take I once heard on the relationship of Athena as Zeus’s favorite daughter because she was allowed to be as headstrong as him but, as a female, was never considered a serious threat of supplanting him.
@@tricky-vixen Oh, that make so much sense, he gets to have a mini-me who will never take his place!
That Zeus-Athena point is so interesting! Would love to dive into father-daughter relationships for a future video, I'll just have to keep an eye out for movies that will help me explore it in my analysis
Daughters who do that are pathetic. Fathers who do that are pathetic. It's disgusting that being misogynistic towards the mother is a way of bonding for some daughters and fathers. It seems like many men enjoy when there is conflict between women - men enjoy gossip- even more than women. And many men dislike when women have close bonds which exclude men. If a daughter (when she is a child) is rude towards her mother, the father should scold the kid right away. But the thing is, many men secretly hate their wives and won't put in effort to bring her small comforts.
I feel personally attacked by your analysis of Lady Bird in a good way haha. It’s literally a relationship between me and my mom when I was around high school. I have a big dream and wanted to live abroad. But my mom wanted me to stay close to her. I both want her attention and acceptance for who I am which is in conflict of each other. In the end I decided to stay in my home country out of guilt for needing her financial support which I know I could never pay her back. I was torn but learn to accept it. I learned of her trauma and how she was treated without respect by many close to her. It made me understand and accept my reality better. But parts of me I still feel longing for the hope and dream that never realized
7:13 my mom did something similar on my graduation. it was the small things here and there that really rubbed me the wrong way because she had pressured me into wearing all the things she wanted me to wear and making me feel bad for things that she decided on her own to purchase. a couple weeks later she had told me that I ruined the night for HER even after she had left me crying in my room over her comments. it hard because i feel like i don’t have any power over my own life but im also selfish for wanting some respect for the way i feel. i don’t think my mother entirely realizes but she incredibly hypocritical and it really feels like the way she feels and what she wants come above everyone elses. i feel like i shouldn’t complain because ive only just started college she has worked hard her whole life but it’s hard because i live at home and commute so i don’t really have a moment of escape because shes entitled to everything
She died just last month. I was the one that signed her DNR. In my side, there was nothing left to grieve. If I could remove her name from my birth certificate I would.
I now have to take care of her remaining children. I hate how easy it is to take of them when they're so mature, too mature even for their own age.
I hate how easy it is to be a parent when she couldn't even do it for me. I hate how I could have had it better if she just admitted her mistakes and tried to do better but somehow, I, who was brought to this world due to their actions, was at fault. Everyday she made me wish I had never been born now that she's gone everyday I try to find something to live for.
I haven’t spoken to my mother in two years, and I know one day it will be too late to make the decision of reaching out again. Letting go is something so very painful, difficult, but healing.
I’m so happy I have a mother who doesn’t hate what she sees in me, but I still relate to the sentiment of not wanting to become like her. I don’t wanna suffer the same things she did within a society that expected so much from her. I don’t want to marry the same type of man that she did. I don’t want to lose my ambitions and sense of identity the way she lost hers. I am so lucky she understands this and feels the same way, and actively supports me in being who I want to be.
I’m 26. Malaysian Chinese. My paternal grandmother is one of the most hardworking woman I know and I loved her more than anything. My paternal was a Chinese immigrant during ww2. He was an abusive piece of shit. He drank and beat my grandma and his kids - my dad and his siblings. He died of cancer at 70 and she lived to 82, mostly in the countryside bc she didn’t wanna burden the adult children w their Own families. Maternal grandma eloped w grandpa she was 17 and he was 20 or 21. She wasn’t allowed education and would sneak off to school and when caught would be hung from the trees, tied as punishment. My own mother is the eldest of 6 kids - 5 women and 1 boy - where the latter was spoiled because he was the youngest - knocked off a woman of 15 when he was 17. My mom married at 28 to my dad at 33 who thought marriage, kids and family was a rite of passage. My parents have a loveless, resentful and bitter marriage. I vowed to myself I would never get married and settle down. I’d rather be alone and miserable than alone, hated and bitter in a toxic marriage. The generational trauma ends with ME.
bridges can be build. understanding is a start, then comes being honest with one another. no sugarcoat, just honestly telling what's been kept from each other. a lot of yell, a lot of pain, shouting, crying, just letting it out there, face to face. both will feel betrayed, and hatred towards each other, but it's necessary.
and then comes the hard work to consistently building good communication, acknowledging each other's emotions, non judgemental convos, acceptance, patience, and so on.
This is devastating. I never had a Mother- I had a narcissistic dictator.
I’m realizing my relationship was a lie. I am 44. My life has been wasted.
I'm so sorry and I know it's hard to confront the reality of our relationships. Your life hasn't been wasted, though. Your whole life isn't defined by this one aspect of it.
@@movie.notepad you really don’t understand the abuse inflicted by narcissistic mothers. But thank you for your comment.
@@happygucci5094how can you say this after watching the whole video? Is clear this person understands and that’s why she made it. Abuse shape us, but do not DEFINE us - you’re a victim of abuse, but also more than it. What you makes within this more is up to the individual, but your life wasn’t a waste, you aren’t a waste even if rn you have a hard time believing that.
I don’t think your life has been wasted; your experiences can help you make the decision to become a more compassionate and a more kind person, especially towards those who need you. Take it as a model of whom NOT to follow. ❤
@ I am that person to other people- and I also feel that my life or more specifically my youth has been wasted. Even now the lasting effects of trauma have left me kind of on the outside of life looking in… thanks for your comment 🙏🏽💕
Be well 😊
It’s only recently in the past few years, that I can be honest with my feelings towards my mother. Growing up in a religious household, it enforced a sense of never finding fault with your parents. God first, parents second, yourself last. It creates an unhealthy dynamic between parents and children.
In a similar vein, because it was my single mom who raised me and introduced me to Christianity. When the day came she finally irreversibly broke my trust in her, I also lost my faith in God and all things good altogether because I strongly linked my faith and relationship with God to my relationship with her. I know I'm supposed to look to God for hope and reassurance especially when I have no one left to confide in, and I know He doesn't fail, but she inadvertently took that away from me too somehow. In a way, I finally realize the flaw in my faith, so there's that, but it absolutely sucks right now because I feel the most isolated and despaired I've ever been, feeling like I can't even have God to try to connect with. On the worst days I end up feeling like I'm absolutely irredeemable because of it 💔
"As a woman, I have so much empathy for my mother, but as a daughter I have so much anger."
Thank you so much now I can put my feelings into words....
I was just thinking about this 3 days ago. I was on my way back from a shitty day and i started silently crying on the train and i thought "I've become what i feared. Ive become my mother." And when i got to a park with no one around i broke down crying.
The way this made me sob, this year I’ve started to accept the disconnect n brokenness between me and my mom. having to grieve a relationship you wont get with a parent runs so deep
I can't lie women have a choice when it comes to patriarchy. That pick me mentality is a choice.
I don't feel anything for my mother. She had a choice and I never wanted a perfect mother but she could have evolved into a better person, she isn't a child. My mum's a religious pick me and decided to be a slave to a low-level insecure 'man'. I feel nothing for her. No excuses. I tried caring and loving and helping her but she likes the hell she built for herself, she doesnt want change, she wants to be picked.
My future will not include her, I don't want her poisonious mind polluting my life anymore. I'm really tired of believing she's capable of motherly love. I have to kill my hope for her love.
Thank you for creating this video, it was mind opening.
I guess we should also look at how women were placed in a society back then. Most of the women back then were not allowed to work and were expected to stay at home and become mothers. I think the "pick me" mentality before was formed in women's subconsciousness just for survival. They are literally placed in a society where they need to find a man to provide for them as they can't have a job or they were not given jobs that are paid enough to be financially secure or generally just secure in the society. In order to "secure" a man they need to present themselves as someone that a man will "pick" to marry. When a marry them, they also need to maintain that image . When they have children, they felt that it is also necessary that their children should uphold that image because as what in the video said, children are seen as "reflections and extensions" of their mothers. The failure of their children is a direct reflection of their failure as a mother and as a wife.
Also, we should also look if generational trauma is also a factor why your mom is a "pick me".
I'm not validating what she did to you, I'm just explaining that people's actions sometimes have complex causes. I hope you can heal from your traumas.
I myself have a complex relationship with my mother and most of the times the things she have said echoes in my mind. I just realized that my mother and I are two different people shaped by different experiences. I should just respect what she wanted for herself, but she should also respect the things I want for myself. I also set myself free from my need for her acceptance and validation because I learned that she will never see things the way I see things and it's not her fault (not mine either). I guess empathy and mutual respect for each other is the solution, but it's hard to achieve if both are not willing to let go of their pride.
I also secretly think that me living a life that is not scared by the the same things that inhibited my mother is an indication that she raised me well. She endured so much pain that I am shielded from the society's expectations, which manifested in my freedom to speak for myself and choose the things I wanted. She protected me and gave me an environment that I never felt the need to conform to what the society (that she is also in) wants me to be. The fact that I am one year away from my mother's age when she gave birth to me, and I am currently pursuing a career on my own and not have a man who wants me to give up all of my dreams to raise a family with him is a win for me and my mother.
I feel this way and am afraid to say it. I cut my mom off a year ago, I struggle with the guilt about it not because I miss her at all, but because the world has this opinion that I should go back to her and suffer and try to save her from herself.
How can a woman (me) with a shit mom who didn't teach her agency or self-respect, gain the power to love, understand, and wholly SAVE that same mother from herself??? How TF? And even if I wanted to, she has to fucking come to the table. Like she has to want to change? And I'm supposed to help her why? Why does the world believe this is my responsibility or duty? Is everyone religious? Why is family duty so prevalent in our culture and only expected from women.
@@Lalaland099 I agree with you on the first sentence. Women have a choice, but instead of using it wisely, they just fall into the trap and get themselves in danger.
WELL SAID 👏
Me too. My mother did everything worse than men did to me because she wanted to be picked. No contact and never been happier.
There are strong emotions that people feel such as love and hate. Sometimes its better to feel the emotion of apathy and move on from those who don't bring positivity in your life.
I hope I never get to be like my mom, I could relate to this relationship s a lot, sometimes it feels like she hates me, I could never understand how she would like me to replicate the same pattern with a child but I'm never becoming a mom, never.
Same here. After I discovered how harsh, cruel and mean she was with me ever since I was born, I am not risking myself to become like my mother for any guy.
She made my sister cry and only my father has been supportive of me, but only through distance and distance relationships don't tend to work out.
Such an amazing video! Thanks for sharing ❤
I don’t have the best relationship with my mother, but I do feel for her. Because deep down I’m sure she knows that we, her daughters, all fear to become like her. She’s a woman who’s been used and hurt by those around her too, doesn’t have the spoons to address nor express it, and experiences the constant belittling and contempt towards her as a person because she’s not the perfect mom, wife, daughter, etc-that’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone either.
I may just be her daughter, but we’re both women. We both have shit luck in this society.
@@dedstar2132 My mother would constantly compare my achievements, to my sister's achievements.
What was her point of comparing me to my sister? We had different personalities and I was warmer as a person than my sister was.
My sister was a cold, fearfull and distant one. She escaped the hellish critisism I had to deal with, because she had our father and she was older than me.
I was literally the abandoned and emotionally neglected child in my family.
This is the real reason a lot of young girls and women are afraid of marriage or do not wish to marry. They see their moms being miserable and do not want that for themselves. And this did make me tear up.
Sure, but also there are less benefits to marriage for women. Marriage itself is built on a foundation of women being property. I lucked out with finding a truly good person to spend my life with, and we got married in case we wanted to have kids. My parents are happily married for 35 years now. But exceptions don't make the institution not screwed up and they definitely don't make people feel better who have been in terrible relationships and have no faith in romance.
@Aster_Risk I totally agree. And good for you woman!! 🎉 I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest.
My parents have a good relationship. But there were a lot of instances as if us daughters and our mom were raising a 40 year old child together. It took a long time of talking, understanding and fighting to get to where it is right now. And it used to tire everyone out mentally. And mom used to get treated horribly by her in-laws, which took a long time to heal from.
But they have a toxic mentality towards love relationships. I was never allowed to have boyfriend-girlfriend relationships growing up. In fact I used to feel very judgy towards people who were couples. I was told that arranged marriages are the best growing up. And now that I know that it's okay to fall in love and it's okay to marry or not marry. Finding my own partner now feels like climbing Mt Everest. The idea itself gives me anxiety and panic.
Sorry if it's really very long.
Thank you for posting this well thought out video. The mother - daughter relationship is so complex. You tackled a lot of the shadows that get in the way of what has the potential to be an immensely close bond.
I also appreciate that you took the time to respond to so many comments.
Keep doing this kind of work. You have a needed perspective!
Thank you so much for this. It's very motivating!
your videos always offer an extensive range of valuable insights, and they open my eyes to new and unique approaches to thinking. this is my third watch, and im stoked for your next project!
Thank you so much for saying this! Really appreciate your support
Lady bird really hit me hard because of all the things the mother and daughter said to each other, i bad imagined or felt with my mom growing up. But now i understand her much better.
me and my mom have a great relationship, though it’s not perfect. we have things we dont see eye to eye on, but we both know we love each other, and we met each other half way on most things. i didnt expect to cry wtching this, but i did. i feel i understand my mom at least a little more and as a chinese american, i felt really seen. thank you for this video
I am so happy I will never be anything like my mother and I am her polar opposite without even trying, feeling very blessed today and grateful for this. I broke the cycle.💜
It took me a long time to see my mom as a person and not just a mom i wouldnt mind growing up to be like her because she is everything i strive to be. Even though im not a girl anymore (transman) i still look up to my for who she is. Her mother wasnt great so she tries to be better and i think she is. I love my mom
sobbing through the whole vid
If only this video was in Spanish so I could show my mom. I love her, god I love her so much, but we both have so much to heal
I just added RUclips's Spanish auto-translation to the subtitles. Hope that helps in any way possible and I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey with your mom. I know it's difficult
Lady Bird explained in detail how my relationship with my mom had always been. We love each other, but she's always been abusive and unwilling to heal her trauma. Lately she's been thinking about therapy, i hope she decides what's best
This is very accurate depiction of the mother and daughter relationship in African households,and now im on the journey of healing
I'm writing a paper on generational trauma for my senior thesis and will definitely be using this as a source, thank you!
Happy to help. Good luck!
Don’t listen to this during work! 😭😭Omg this has me crying like a baby thinking back to moments and times I’ve had with my mom😭😭
You ATE with this video. You have me here at work crying about how much this hit home. I’ve watched all the movies you’ve referenced and the mother daughter relationship in each one demanded its own analysis. I’m so glad you were able to put words to our (daughters) to our pain. Great video!
This video is beautiful and bittersweet. The analysis is spot on. Thank you so much for showing how multidimensional mother-daughter relationships are, not through the lense of the male gaze, but through the female experience.
I'm an immigrant myself with immigrant parents in Germany. My emotional enmeshment is more pronounced on my father-daughter relationship. I relate a lot to what is said in the video, just with my dad instead of my mom. My mom has been depressed ever since I can remember, so I've never felt pressured to or inspired by her to be like her as depression consumed most of her, but she's always been an example of what or who I don't want to be. She's very smart, but also super bitter and hung up on the past. She's funny and creative, yet so harsh at times. She's exhausted, yet pressured enough by the patriarchy to both work and take care of household chores. She's strong, yet lacks courage. She wants control over her life, yet she's submissive enough to not speak up for herself. She's burnt out, but she preserveres. I love her, and I'm afraid for her.
I’m only half way through this video but the quality of this is beautiful and its analysis is so deep, and I can draw parallels with my own life as well. Amazing work!!
Im going to take my inability to relatr to this video as a good sign for my mother daughter relationship.
This made me cry, thank you for making it.
3:04 this is so true!
Pretty much every movie referenced in this video makes me cry. And I watched it while nursing my own baby daughter, hoping to avoid my mother’s mistakes and knowing that I’ll still fail my daughter one way or another.
I'm estranged from my mum because of childhood abuse and this vid was great :)
this was very, very painful to watch. i don't know if the wounds my mother gave me will ever heal. but at least, on the bright side, i won't pass on the generational trauma, bc i will never have children.
As someone who’s scared of crying in public it was really dangerous to watch this at the gym 😭😭😭😭
I ugly cried to this. Thank you so much for putting my unfinished thoughts into something I could hear for myself.
This came at the right time. The editing and transitions were wonderful. I don't know how else to express that I'm grateful to have seen this.
All I can do is hope for a better tomorrow.
As a child, the concept I was taught - that my mother was once me, that mothers were once their daughters - scared and confused me. It was unfathomable. This person I want to be nothing like, who did not even have a miniscule grasp on who I was, and yet was told about how we had similar traits and characteristics and hijinks. I felt as though there must be a strong funnel, forcing people to become a thing they did not want to be. I was young when I was finally bold enough to say I didn’t want to have kids when I grew up. My mother laughed, and said the same throw away line of how I’ll change my mind. But even then, part of me saw that the role itself was what helped turn a person joyless, ground them to dust, and being parentified as the oldest daughter made it clear how thankless and never ending the work was. Add to that bruise and welt forming types of physical correction that was encouraged by the southern church I was raised in, and the liberty with which leather belts were raised in my home, and all I wanted was to escape, anywhere, so long as I could be free from it all.
Now I’m nearly 30. I had the opportunities to sink into the exact same pitfalls as my mother: a man much older than me, roughly her age, proposed when I graduated college (my father is my grandmother’s age). I couldn’t even see the irony; I thought it was love, truly, despite the insanity, and the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I knew I was not ready to take on such a life without resentment. He was picking baby names when I left America and moved to China. I have been traveling around the world since; now I live in Korea. I have given myself the space to grow. Away from the voices and familial pressures. I cannot say I have escaped my mother’s fate. We still speak. She wants to finish her bachelor’s degree soon, now that my siblings are out of the house mostly. A bachelor’s degree I got at the age of twenty, graduating earlier than my peers. A bachelor’s degree my mother never earned, as she dropped out of university when she was pregnant with me.
(through tears) this video slaps. everyone should be required to watch it.