I will always remember being in a psych ward and talking to one of the other girls. She said that we weren’t selfish for wanting to kill ourselves, but that others were selfish for wanting to keep us alive when it was so painful. The suffering may have already happened but to imagine a life where it repeats forever is a difficult thing. Now I don’t struggle nearly as much but I think I’ll always agree with her on some level.
But you won't live forever. And living is suffering at times. You just need to learn better coping mechanisms. We all do. You just need to have more patience and kindness for yourself.
There's an aspect about suicide/suicidal ideation that I never really see people talk about.. When people say they "just want the pain to end", I relate, but in a different way. I don't want to not be anything; I want to be everything. My experience of suicidal ideation is wanting so desperately to live and be alive, but feeling like it will never come to pass. I would wail in the late hours of the night sobbing that I want to live, I want to love and travel, I want to explore. I want to breathe. I am desperate to be alive, and yet, I feel like a doll that will never get that satisfaction. Like if pinoccio never had a possibility of becoming a "real boy" and being alive. What makes me want to die is the soul-crushing feeling that I will never get to truly live. That I won't live a happy life, and this rotting inside of me will never go away; that it will haunt me for the rest of the time I am on this earth. When all I want to do is be alive, the most reasonable end seems to be death.
I have had those experiences, and what i can tell you is that the reason that i was going forward after that was because i have already experienced it, my childhood years were blissful and i would give everything i have right now to go back to that time, the evidence of that feeling being possible since i have experienced it before is what keeps me pushing, to chase that same life going into my adult years with my full will.
@@xitcix8360 You need to be in a state of privilege to even be able to say that. Not everyone can "just work for it", it's just invalidating. You don't know them. For all you know they could be bedridden.
@xelith6157 Even if you are permanently bedridden, there is a path to success if you work hard enough and give it enough time, even if it takes a decade. Anybody can watch online courses and get certified for a career, anybody can start an online business, anybody can find love. Unless you're mentally disabled, there is always a path.
@@davidkeulen7006 It is when you factor in that it perfectly describes how suicidal people think and feel. As someone whose been suicidal quite a lot in life - not assuming you’ve never experienced it by the way - it perfectly describes some of the heaviness, thoughts and feelings I’ve never really been able to articulate. That’s what I meant by profound. I don’t think it’s something that should necessarily be aspired to, but it does help having it put into such simple terms. Most of my darker thoughts are on how my existence impacts other people and how that gets twisted into believing things would be better for the ones I loved if I was no longer here. I love how this video as a whole explored the mentality of suicidal ideation and chronic thoughts, and how it ended on a lighter, hopeful note.
giving any credibility to people who decide that only well off eurocentrics could possibly be right about anything is just as bad tho. might as well call it a virtue signal at that point tbh. because you clearly still believe that 99% of the human species are "mentally ill" for simply not being born as well off eurocentrics. its hilarious to see so many philosophy focused channels do exactly that. well off eurocentrics privilege really does retard their capacity to understand reality. thats where all these long winded explanations of why people should or shouldnt feel a certain way. because their frame of reference is one of a nearly perfect world, not what most of us experience, which is just the effects of their endless judgements combining with the unearned privilege/power over others well being. anyone endorsing the existence of eurocentric culture is a eugenicist because thats all this culture has ever operated for, applying the goals of eugenicists to the world at all costs....
My personal experience with suicidal ideation was that I truly, don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with everything life throws my way (the happy AND the sad). It's tiring. It just feels logical, like, if I was experiencing burnout I would be recommended to leave my job. If I was experiencing a toxic relationship i would be recommended to leave...what do I do if I'm just tired, overall? But yeah, I'm too tired to even try, and deal with whatever the consequences of attempting will bring, so I guess I'm staying
My dad told me about the want to not exist when I was about 4 or 5 first. May not have been the best thing to tell a kid about, but I stand by what he told me. It's simply not logical to want to be here. The moment I think about the logic behind living, I come to the same conclusion; it's only coincidence and an unnecessary one at that. I don't always feel suicidal, but even when I'm happy I know deep down I don't 'belong' here. I wish I could exist without being at least. I wish you the best way to cope with living.
@@aspenirving you too! It's not even a sad thing, like you said, just not logical. We tend to romanticize things because life is rare, but so are plenty of diseases. So, rare isn't always good. We also have religion deciding that suicidal people deserve hell, so most people think that being suicidal = bad when in reality I just don't have the time or the money to have a good experience due to capitalism. And don't get me started on disabled people, because god knows what some of them are being forced to go through, without even being able to communicate.
personally i feel life is meaningless and purpose is a capitalist manipulation. im simply here to be as happy as possible and enjoy as much as possible. currently im pretty happy about half the time, and as far as i can tell i have a pretty good potential to be happy in the future. when im old and it hurts to move or breathe and i can barely think, i dont think ill be happy like that, and i doubt i would be able to be in a working state again to enjoy life. ill prolly die then. i want to live now because im having a good enough time and i know im highly likely to have a better time later too. once neither of those are true im gone
“Even as a child, when I lacked for nothing, I wanted to die: I wanted to surrender because I saw no sense in struggling. I felt that nothing would be proved, substantiated, added, or subtracted by continuing an existence I never asked for.” I remember having so many arguments with my parents as a child because I would say “I wish I was never born!” and they’d inevitably call me dramatic. It’s a thought I’ve never been able to shake and the older I get the more justified I feel my child self was.
It is pretty dramatic though. Perhaps pick up some unnecessary responsibilities and accept that you take yourself too seriously. When you're in charge of caring for others, you stop caring about your own every move so much. Remember, humility is NOT thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less often. When the focus of your life is on serving others, suddenly your every feeling and whim is no longer the driver of your life.
@@SeanWinters That's not true, when you care for others you especially care about your every move because you do not want to hurt the people you love but benefit them. Yes - we are all in our own heads - the tragedy of philosophers' mind - the tragedy of depression - the tragedy of consciousness. It is better to indoctrinate ourselves into religion in order to find that blissful ignorance within a smaller box.
@@valvihk3649you immediately destroy the validity of your argument with the last part about religion, as a full depth dive into any religion, whether Hinduism or Abrahamic, often startle existential issues, its the same people who simplify religion or belittle it that it seems so blissfully ignorant
I really think it's not complicated. Succeeding in your endeavors is inherently satisfying. With enough failure, anything ceases to be worth the effort. For those of us who fail incessantly, acceptance is our only remedy. It's a remedy for the pathetic and the losers. Buddhist philosophy and christian meekness is perfect for screw-ups and peasants. Knowing better, it hardly works on me to practice acceptance. It's a way to delude yourself into peace, when reality is not being kind to you. What a trivial, pathetic existence. I was just not cut out. And awareness is not enough to save me
I have this desire. Life is full of suffering, and the worst is always yet to come. My parents will most definitely be gone before me and I will be there to witness it. Will I be able to manage to have a lifelong relationship or start a family? The financial need to survive for the rest of your life. These thoughts cross my mind and makes me wonder if experiencing life is worth all of this and more. I have no intention of taking my own life, but the desire or fantasy of never having been born is there.
In the words of Doug Stanhope "Everybody that says that suicide is not the answer, hasn't heard all the questions." Not all suicidal thoughts come from feelings of hopelessness.
@@Dondillilochevroletthis is why you haven’t heard all the questions let alone answers because you do not listen which is why you’re a victim to the present and a slave to non thinking. If you’d be quiet and listen you will understand, but your ego is getting in your way.
@@Dondillilochevrolet The source of a quote like this doesn't matter. Death of the author and all that. Sometimes the most profound sayings come from the wildest places
I think the problem lies in how we made our societies work. Too many of us no longer fit the mold; we don't want to continuously fail to meet the standard of what's expected of us to be human. I'd love to live life as an observer outside of the human world, but realistically it'll never be possible. Humans ruin everything, even existence. Being born to see how beautiful the world is but being unable to experience it is just cruel.
True, we as human beings are designed for a world we no longer live in. At some point in the past everything started developing and changing so fast that it became impossible for human evolution to catch up with the challenges we face.
That's an interesting concept. But, I have to say - I think it's also human nature of indoctrination. I have not met one person within a religion that wasn't happy within their existence. Living in the box, ignorance is truly a bliss. Because they do not have to think like you think, they have meaning and it's real to them. They don't need proof and some don't even need logic.
@@morpheus_313 we're not 'designed' at all and evolution is mostly the result of extreme suffering and drastic events creating bottlenecks and culls in genotypes. Something very much to be avoided.
I do believe there is a major disconnect between those who have experienced suicidal tendencies and those who have not. Personally I have experienced the want to die and the want to never have been born. Other people have termed this as the Call Of The Void. An example of those who are not suicidal feel it when they are on a large cliff and feel the urge to jump for no reason. However suicidal people feel it almost on a daily basis. I haven't been suicidal in years however if I was to die suddenly I would feel apathy towards it even if I have made massive strides in my own personal life, have many wonderful people in my life and a somewhat successful business that I am growing. I won't kill myself and have no intention of doing so now but that still doesn't stop me having the call of the void every once in a while. The main difference I find is that although you may improve your life and well being once you get it it kinda just sticks around and reminds you every now and then that it is a possibility if things got too extreme like say being in a vegetative state and wanting someone to disconnect the life support kind of thing. To attempt to understand it when you have not experienced it is truly impossible as it is one of those things that in most cases don't have a basis in logic. You can't logically understand why someone wants to either die or not be born in the first place if our entire biological coding is towards living and reproducing the next generation. In many cases the lack of fear of death and the want for death can be thought of through the less of either suffering or pain but that does not account for those that have good life's, means in which they can provide for themselves and those they care for. Aren't in any serious physically or even emotional pain and yet still feel the call. I have a good family life, good childhood, good job, decent savings, loving partner, supportive friends and yet I still got depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Most of those I spoke to who went though good lives and felt the same call of the void I noticed all similar things. For some reason we all felt the same thing. I also noticed that they all were those kind of people who question everything, are creative, artistic and have the ability for incredible reasoning, quick to help others, are kind and generally think of others before ourselves. I would argue that those that feel the need to not be born or to die are those who care far too deeply about others and the world and it is more through our hearts being shattered by the cruelty of the world that makes us feel the call more so that anything. We want the best for others and not just ourselves. And yet when we attempt to do so we are unable to make a significant difference in the world. Unfortunately I do not see this changing anytime soon. That won't stop me from trying though. And it won't stop others from trying to make this place a little better off than when we started off. To attempt to understand the world and people and how we think through logic will only make you go insane. The only way to do it is to realise there is no logic. To do kindness when you can, to fight when all odds are stacked against you, to be truthful and to ignore the call as sooner or later Death has a way of knocking on your door in the end anyways at some point so why bother inviting him earlier. Apologies for the wall of text but hopefully it makes sense.
The call of the void that you are talking about, this version of it, I have felt before, many times. Ended up with the exact same decision as yours. The decision to not stop trying even after all the odds. Except that I am just a 17-year old. That, in my opinion, is kind of terrifying, as I have never really met (face to face) anyone 17 or even older that has similar thoughts, or feelings as me. I have prioritized Logic and Rationality in my life as much as possible. And that has brought me ever so slightly closer to that call of void. I have recognized the fact that no matter what I do in this world, it would not be able to make a big change in the grand scheme of things, no one can do that, considering the fact that this universe will come to an end either way. History, as I have learned throughout the years, is cyclical, not linear. The same things repeat over and over. There comes the rise of either good or bad, followed by downfall, and another rise of the same and so on and so forth. If a permanent change is impossible, then I at least hope to make a temporary change. At least, let it be the rise of good, or downfall of bad. Even if it's temporary (which, indeed, is very ambitious, to the point of impossibility). That's my take on all of this. What is your opinion on this? The question on who gets to define good or bad arises from the previous paragraph. And that too is equally difficult. The only way moving forward that I see is to choose a framework, otherwise, the subjective nature of good and bad itself would prevent us from moving forward (in my opinion). That is why I have chosen an already made framework and I am going to uphold it (with a few tweaks of my own if necessary). Also, sorry for the huge block of text. And like you said, hopefully it makes sense.
The only reason I haven't ended myself is that when I was a small child I tried and failed several times because I couldn't overcome my basic survival instincts and I just kinda gave up. Now I just regret not having gone through with it, because I have this weird mindset of: "It's already been so long, might as well push through, when I can't overcome my instincts."
It’s almost like a taint, for those that have gone through suicidal thoughts, and have found some way through it. It gives you that extra bit of insight into those murkier bits of existence, coming back into your life time to time. I speak from experience, I still think about, but so removed that it’s almost like a fantasy, like I’m removed from it all.
I call your conclusion "anti-nihilism", and it's a view I subscribe to when I'm on a peak and not in a trough. It feels good to know that others have reached the same end answer. Live well by yourself and be of as much help to others as you can while you can, because you might as well. One might well reach the opposite conclusion by the same reasoning, but I feel as though it would fall apart in that case. It takes less effort to be nice overall, I think, which perhaps appeals to the general exhaustion of the depressed.
"And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive. But better than both is the one who has never been born, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 4:2-3 Also: "- The life of the worlds is a roaring river, but Earth’s is a pond and a backwater. - The sign of doom is written on your brows - how long will ye kick against the pin-pricks? - But there is one conquest and one crown, one salvation and one solution. - Know yourselves - be infertile and let the earth be silent after ye.” ― The Last Messiah, by Peter Wessel Zapffe
@@Now4extinction honestly most beings want to live, is none of our business if some dont want so ynow.. if there be a mass death then be with only the ones that want and exclude the majority that just dont want.
being su*cidal, for me, outside of abuse/mistreatment, is this ever-existing exhaustion that life requires. Growing up I never had a goal, I didn't have a dream job, I didn't know you could have those things. Yes I knew what the word literally meant, but I didn't understand why 'goals' were being poised as so important. I just existed on, taking steps in an attempt to mirror what my classmates were doing in an attempt to be like them and maybe achieve friends. I applied to college, picked a random major, and even now as an adult I feel like I'm just doing what I have to do with no clear goal. It's exhausting. Even thinking of the concept of a goal and creating one seems exhausting in the ever-changing world dynamics of political turmoil, climate change, and all existential worries. I can't separate and compartmentalize things I think other people easily do. Even if I was able to actually conceptualize a goal, I don't think I deserve the happiness of succeeding it. When I do rarely feel happy, there's an underlying sense of doom and dread from beneath that prevents me from feeling it completely. I wouldn't say my life is miserable, and I do have a momentary reason to keep on living: academic validation. I'm currently knee deep in extracurriculars and major-centered programs in an attempt for validation from professors and staff I admire, meanwhile I have no clear want to actually be doing these things and rather than learning it feels like an obligation not to let them down. But it's all so exhausting. The chase for academic validation being my only reason to exist is in constant conflict of how tired it makes me feel but I can't decrease what I do because then I lose the only worth I have in my eyes. It's a perpetual, self-reinforcing cycle, leading me to having breakdowns every couple months where I nearly commit but calm myself down enough not to with the thought of how much hassle it would be for my friends to clean my stuff out and empty where I live. It's been this way since I was a kid. I will be the one to end myself. It's a thought I've had since I was 10, and a fact I've accepted, as that part of me is all I've known and is my truth for my whole life. It's my version of normal, a type of self-regulation. I just don't know when or why but I do understand it all stems from the feeling of exhaustion. And I know that once I do get my degree there is no more academic validation to seek, and that is where maybe my exhaustion will end. One way or the other, once I am faced with breaking down my established 'normal'.
I don’t want to give advice because I know I’m not experienced enough Is it just the want of validation? Like you need for people to approve of you but not needing to waste energy by being a part of their life as well?
@@SirSqueakins I guess for me validation is comprised of two parts. The first is fear of embarrassment. I get embarrassed whenever I mess up something, get a question wrong, whenever my writing is seen as sub-par. This, I think, comes from the fear of making mistakes and the over-punishment from making mistakes from my youth, where I could be hurt at whenever I failed short of perfection, and therefore pushes me to put extra tension on myself to never be wrong. It also exemplifies my strong social anxiety, the overabundance of worry over things I know most people wouldn't bat an eye at. The second part is admiration at my professors, who I view as successful people that could make the world theirs and live successful lives, and showcase clear determination and drive towards a goal I don't have. I don't want them to be disappointed me, and although I know it's unhealthy I guess I view them as sort of parental figures since I didn't have healthy ones growing up. I think inherently my worldview is flawed, and obviously unhealthy. I also know being so fearful of embarrassment is sort of self-centered too, because why do I think I am so important my mistakes are bigger and worse than others, and that feeds into my frustration that I have yet to find a healthy route to be normal about failure. And I do think this all feeds into the feelings of doom I carry around, and is part of the reason I feel like a shell of a person often, operating on autopilot.
@@dls4642Try volunteering to help others in your community maybe you will find joy in the validation that comes from that. There are lots of unknowns to explore and experience before ones physical health deteriorates and gets in the way.
I don't really know why am I watching this. I don't really wish I was never been born, I just wish we could all live much longer. I'm.going back to Michael Levin 's page.
I'm not suicidal but Indifferent to life.i don't consider myself depressed but do have many pessimistic views.its difficult to be happy when I got to work 70-80 hour a week just to keep my head above water as debt creeps past my airways.
I live a completely different life probably, but same. I'm so young, barely in my 20's, and too much happened already. My living situation is good now, but I'm just tired..
Ikr! But it shows which RUclipsrs could care less about promoting a scam or which ones don't even check to see if it is a scam in the first place yet promote it as if it's good.
@@Foogi9000 I was considering it at some point and knowing this now makes me feel like I dodged a large bullet. I wanted to do Better Help or online therapy in general bc I have a better time expressing myself in text like this than in-person and people tend to read the wrong things by looking at me or how my body is since I'm not always expressive in a normal way. To anyone who knows more for this: Since BetterHelp is clearly not a safe place and breaks confidentiality, is there any online/DM-like therapy that is actually good and does keep everything confidential? tbh my ideal therapy/form of help is DMing someone but under a different name, no picture/face reveal. I've got some issues but some of them are bad enough that I don't think I'll ever reveal it to someone with my real name and/or face known. Part of me was thinking of going to that healthygamergg guy but I don't know if he offers services and keeps people's issues private/doesn't make vids or streams on it.
@@happilyevernever4289 tbh you also have to understand that a sponsorship nowadays implies you "DO NOT ENDORSE IT AS A CONTENT CREATOR" and that it's just a paycheck, so I couldn't care any less than they did if they're sponsored by something they don't actually care about or are just trying to find a way to monetize something serious. Good on them if they don't take a sponsorship because of moral reasons, but I dislike the flack people are giving random youtubers because they took a sponsorship. (The alternative is obviously patreon or ko-fi, but we all know that 90% of your audience can't or won't donate any money)
There was a night that I just lied in bed with a feeling of just existing. Existing with no purpose, no feeling of mattering to anyone. It is not a feeling I would wish on my worst enemy.
Since I dont have the 'right' answer I'll give an analogy. Its like losing your leg. You can still walk with a prosthetic it's not really the same as when you had your leg and there will be many days where , you kind of hope for the day you'll be able to run how you used to but that chapter is done.. you do however still have two working arms maybe you can find the best in a bad situation.. Sometimes you forget though and you want for nothing but the leg you used to have and that's OK too
I can relate more than you probably think though... thats only my interpretation, that empty lonely feeling is CRUSHING a lot of the time and I wanna 'punch out the timecard' same as anyone else about 30% of the time shit ain't easy lol 😂
I don't wish to die. However, I do wish to fade. I dislike this world and the ignorance that fills it. Hatred is man's weapon and they wield it spitefully and ignorantly. To fade is sometimes to rest and other times to just let me do what I please. I didn't ask to be here and I definitely didn't ask for the fucked up system that I was thrusted into. What a wonderous thing to be born into a dystopian horror. The late stage death throws of an economic system. At times I just wish to float and observe, with no need to live or experience this suffering. At the end, nonexistence is what it was like before I was born. Nothing. I haven't lived it, for I wasn't alive. I didn't exist what so ever.
it's amazing how some people will go through life never knowing how it feels to want to die (or want so badly so live they want to die). that's a blessing tbh
I understand this feeling and sometimes I wonder how people without mental illnesses live. I don't imagine everything is perfect for them but after seeing how mental illnesses affect others, I'm curious on what the lives of those without such illnesses are like.
its so strange, like ever talk to a person whos neve been traumatisd? I have a few times, it feels like they live on the surface of life, not truly experiencing it. They are without the depth of emotional turmoil that changes a person and it shows. They feel shallow.
@@coolegg8489I have too. Because they don’t understand the risk that life has, nor what’s it like to be traumatized or understand the depth of emotion that actions can have on others, conversations about hard topics or in depth emotions feels very surface level with someone trauma free. Maybe that’s the way things are supposed to be, and maybe I just carry my trauma into every interaction and exaggerate the stakes, but I find that the most genuine connections I’ve had with people are with those who went through similar things I did. I’m half jealous of people without trauma and half fascinated that they operate through such a shallow lense of life, free of certain types on inhibitions. It makes me wonder if that’s the way “peak humans” are supposed to be, or if being human is tied into trauma and recognizing how strong and powerful emotions are. The best people on my opinion are those that have went through hard things and developed compassion through that, so I lean towards the latter.
As a suicidal person, I resent that so many think they can speak for me. "I know you don't really want to die. Nobody does." I understand that when people say this, what they usually mean is that people want the pain to stop and death is only instrumental in that. This is like saying, "You don't want surgery. You just want the issue you're getting surgery for to go away." But is it true that people don't ever want death for its own sake? I'm not so sure. Wouldn't that imply that everyone wants to live forever, or at least that everyone would want to live forever if life were purely blissful? I think it makes sense to have a preference to not be conscious, especially given that in reality, consciousness always involves suffering. You won't be there to experience the lack of consciousness (which is the point), but while you're here, you can make a judgement.
Normals can't abide actually thinking about their own non-existence. Suicidal people, who are not only comfortable with their own non-existence but *yearn* for it, throw that concept back in their face and question the status quo that, "being alive is best!" They can't handle that, because it summons up all the existential demons they're suppressing and ignoring with their day-to-day grind and consumerism and hedonism and religion and and and and.
@@haltes it's because someone being suicidal forces "normal" people to confront all the lies and half-truths and BS they convince themselves of that lets them keep going, blissfully ignorant and thus 'happy.' They can't confront that mountain of self-delusion, so they label us "wrong." Not merely "broken," which I'll accept, on a limited basis, but WRONG, as in BAD. We call into question their entire paradigm, and they're simply not strong and tough enough to deal with it. Too. Damned. Bad.
@@haltes I mean, when you lose a parent or child, you feel like you weren't an enough reason for that person to keep living and trying to get better. It makes you feel worthless. Like that person was saying 'You're not enough for me to stay'. But of course when someone decides it's time to leave this world, it's almost impossible to make them change their mind. That's why no one should feel guilty or less worthy for not saving someone from suicide.
The main reason why I miss being a teenager, was because I simply didn't think about deep topics like this, because I lived in my little bubble with my fellow youngsters. The reality of life suddenly hits you in your 20s, and it isn't fun. Now for the rest of my life, I will have to carry these thoughts.
At least these thoughts haven’t plagued you your entire life, for me- these thoughts all started in 2014 for me and it’s made me an extremely pessimistic and mean person. Starting therapy soon, so hopefully my healing journey lies ahead.
I have been thinking like this only recently, probably around COVID-19 era. However, from my younger years, I have always been a child with lack of desire to grow and be great person like my father & my mother. I know that I am like this because in my elementary school, I was bullied a lot by my friends. After that, I became a recluse and playing games, reading comics, watching movies, going to restaurants are the only thing that bring me joy. Perhaps I was, and still am, like this because I had 0 friend. I have few friends now, but we don't interact much. I also hate the things that's happening around my country and the world. I wish I could just get rid of this thing called "awareness"
putting it here for all who are asking: This video was uploaded about a month prior, but due to sponsorship problems it got postponed. Check the channel's Community section to see the timeline.
since this comment is pinned ill leave this here: accept suffering completely and you will be happy since it will not affect you anymore. you can be happy even with the worst of lives if you accept any possible pain that comes in the way, most beings dont suffer so deeply because of the lack of care about suffering.. some do can have life long traumas (even flies) but others just can be happy and forget about pain.
You are a wise person. Most humans understand on a basic level that life in its current state is becoming more difficult and less enjoyable in every aspect. There is a lot of uncertainty about one’s existence in the modern world where putting roof over your head, food, and medical costs are astronomical. Not to mention that education is absolutely bankrupting many people who have tried to get an education just to be stuck with high student loan payments for decades not being able to afford to travel, to buy a home, to go places or even have any normal existence and before you know it life is a major burden with little or no joy. On top of that come painful childhood traumas and very painful adulthood relationships that further create suffering and pain. And of course life can become so difficult and painful one may ask if life is even worth living. I have pondered this question many times and I must say one thing that does push me forward is the people who have been cruel and abusive towards me. As I obtain my graduate degree and continue towards a Ph.D I feel enormous gratitude for the people who have been abusive, cruel and horrible to me, they propel me forward and make me stronger. In a way I feed of their cruelty and tell myself they won’t break me, their cruelty and abuse only has made me strive and grow stronger.
Existence feels like a burden too heavy to bare a lot of the time. I'm terrified of dying and I drive myself insane thinking about death. I've developed chronic anxiety because I'm always over worrying about everything (especially my health). Sometimes I really do wish I never existed in the first place to have to shoulder the burden of existing. But not death. The train of thought from this video is going to make me lose sleep.
I don't know when my dissatisfaction with life began. There are possible starting points, but it goes back too far to recall. All I remember was the first time I looked up at the sky and thought to myself, "is this it? Life is boring." Nothing but pain and a struggle to survive. It's tiring. More than sad or happy, it's simply exhausting.
I get the same thoughts at random, even during happy and pleasant moments. Like on the way back home after a movie night with friends, it even happened during one of my brother's wedding.
Tiring isn't the same as boring, tho. I get the exhaustion but the boredom? There are a lot of things I need to do everyday, things I struggle with, that boredom never crosses my mind. Dead tired? Definitely. Bored? Far from it
When I was 19 two major things happened to me: First, I started cutting myself in preparation to die, to get brave, shred the fear of pain and simply go in one clean stroke. The second was watching Monster. The anime. My sense of disconnection is very easy to follow, I know when it begun and why, but that never makes the loneliness go away. I started thinking that only surface feelings should be attached because you cannot guarantee being there the next morning wo why being pain to others if you are gonna get lost yourself? And that echoed as I watched that Anime. My love for those noir and detective stories fed by this almost metaphysical series, and the memories of all the beacons of hope I found also came running with each chapter. I was fascinated by Bonaparta and his capacity to change a child's mind with a book, so much that I decided to educate kids and hope that the seeds in their minds bloom into hope. I was terrified of how much Johan, or his shadow could echo my own pain and insecurities... And I feel in love with Tenma and his journey, his hopes, his purpose and the primise that the sun will cone once again. One day I just cracked down and after nights and night of begging for death and dreading the fear of it, I hugged my mom, showed her the cuts and she simply hikd me too, crying with and for me. Then I knew, I would never ever be able to end myself. My mother's warmth was too precious too loose, my siblings voices, my dog gaze, the nicknames my father gave me. The sound of rain, the drawings I do, the dreams I had, the things I wanted to see and share, it was too precious. Even if I was worthless in my eyes, life was not and I wanted to be there and had a chance to, perhaps, love myself as fiercely as I loved being there. And sometimes its hard, it has been years of struggle, but every time I found myself hurting, I'm also able to cry, put some video, sleep and wake up the next morning, marveled at the sun. Another chance to try, because tomorrow the sun will shine. Thanks to the creator for this, thanks youtube for baiting me with the series that saved my life. I wont ask anyone to live, specially if they are in pain, or say my reasons for living are THE reason, but standing here I can say with my whole heart, that one sunray is worth watching, so as long as the sun comes out, you have another chance to bask on it too
There is this feeling I've been getting once every 4 months or so for around 10 years already. The best I could describe it is that it's a feeling of being extremely uncomfortable with existing. It's like feeling actual pain from existing, but in the entire brain. It happens so suddenly at random times. I remember when I first experienced it at 8 years old, I told my mom about it - about how it hurts and how weird it feels. When it happens, I have this extremely strong desire and extremely strong urge to not exist. I don't mean dying, but literally- to not exist. I suddenly become very aware of my existence. EDIT: I just remembered my mom told me that once when I was around 6 years old, I was walking joyfully down a corridor but, all of a sudden, I stopped and stared at nothing for like a minute. So maybe that's when I really started experiencing this.
Atomization that is inherent to our current system leads to loneliness and helplessness; despite diverse expression, we all feel it, and existence is not the problem here. We desire non-existence only when existence becomes unbearable, and as someone who cured my depression, I can guarantee existence is NOT unbearable by itself
Ive been trying to explain this feeling to people for years and can never get it out correctly. But this is really close. Its almost something clicks in my brain where i all of the sudden fully realize that it makes zero sense for me or anything to exist or even just feel or experience anything at all. And there is no way to explain it. And then my brain kinda just goes "woah"
@@SeekstaeYes, but you can't claim and preach that faith will heal others if you still feel the same way as the supposed "Heathens" you're trying to convert, do.
When my therapist asked if I was experiencing suicidal ideation, I told him it was more like a desire to not exist. I guess I don’t wish I was dead. I just wish I was never born.
I was 10 years old when i am having this kind of existential crisis, feels like we just popped up in this life and you can't remember clearly your childhood days, it sums up perfectly, the 3rd person, like you feel you are watching your life, you got lost in life, tragedy/traumatic experience in early days of your life, suicide shit in the bridge goddamn, i understand better now why tf i become so suicidal all of the sudden after the traumatic experience, it was because of the distant connection with my parents and me being physically sensitive, i am 100% relate to the main character of the monster, i came to the point of my life ( my early teen-age ) where i don't feel any kins of emotions and i identified myself as monster too ( like being useless, hated, unwanted ) i am even carrying a knife at my backpack during my grade schools because of the fear someone might bully me again ( which also adds up my trauma ) goddamn, i cried and finished the video, thank you so much for this man and of course to myself and to the RUclips algorithm, sooner i want to make videos like this, because as you are, that can be therapeutic hobby for me and i want to help someone who is suffering as me, i just finished watching video about Nietzsche ( title : the hated philosopher ) then i stumbled uppm this at the recommendation
I believe that when it comes to suicide, you can only ever answer the question "Why" with theories. You can analyze behavior all day long, but you'll only ever have a theory. You can never actually know the truth, because the only person who can tell you can't tell you anymore. My dad committed suicide when I was young, and I told my cousin that whole theory, and my cousin responded with something he clearly thought was the truth. I just told him, "That's a good theory." He refused to believe that his supposition was only a theory, and that he had the definitive answer. You can never know why. You can never get closure with the truth. You can never ask for the truth. You can only accept that a person that was there now isn't.
This sounds profound but like it’s pretty easy to answer the question of why someone offed themselves like it’s not that hard maybe they were bullied depressed grief etc it’s rlly not that hard
@@Frankdurlinor a brain tumour, reaction to medication. I dont think we actually know why we do what we do, let alone anyone else. We can hypothesise, at best.
Nothing is EVER really known. We can work in probabilities and nothing more. Even some of the most convincing science turns out to be insufficient. This doesn't mean that there's no reason for philosophy and trying to understand things. But eventually, you realize that all things we think we know are only ever partial truths, and paradoxically, that includes this statement itself. I still find the journey worth pursuing, even if it ends in an incomplete tragedy
I’m autistic, I don’t feel emotions, especially strong ones, very well. The lack of purpose and simple desire to have never been born is something i’ve felt very frequently in the past and this video really resonated with me and did the topic justice. As i’ve aged i’ve gotten better at coping with reality and existence and things are better now. I could never kill myself but in the state of mind I had entered i was completely capable of understanding how someone could. Thank you for this additionally, major respect for the rejection of the sponsorship, if I wasn’t a broke college student I would support your patreon as you have displayed strong moral character.
Quick question, what are you in charge of? Another way of stating this: do you have any unnecessary responsibilities? Have you accepted a duty of any kind which you haven't been forced to accept? When you voluntarily pick up hobbies, when you care about responsibilities you have accepted for little to no reason, that's when you start remembering that your own perspective is perhaps the least important. That's what meaning in life is, and that's what brings contentment.
@@SeanWinters I am also an autistic person who experiences a lack of strong emotions. I have a lot of hobbies (fibre arts, novel writing, guitar, mandolin, running), however they don't imbue me with purpose the way I imagine they would for a neurotypical person. They're really just the things I'm doing to fill time before I one day cease to exist. Writing in particular is something that I feel very dutifully about, I have experienced a lot of horrible things in life that I can turn into words that might help someone one day and are therefore my responsibility to share. But it doesn't make any underlying apathy about life go away. I'm not sure if that's specific to autistic people or not but my friends who are also autistic/adhd have also expressed similar feelings. I think there may be something in the way our brains are wired that allows for the ability to conceptualise non-existance or to realise that in the grand scheme of things we as individuals are ultimately inconsequential in a way neurotypicals don't normally understand.
This has been my experience as well and I realized a large part of what made me feel worse was how others who couldn't understand would constantly try to invalidate my feelings because I wasn't strongly expressing them. It took me a while to realize I was okay simply existing and to no longer care if others think I'm doing so in the incorrect way. I still try to attempt to connect with others but it feels like there is a barrier that always keeps me disconnected from others on a deeper level. I also still face frequent states of depersonalization at my best and worst of times that make me question the point of being. I can honestly say if it weren't for my sister and father being able to relate with all of my pain in the same manner I wouldn't have been able to keep going. It hurts at times and I feel alone but at other times I remember how lucky I am to have anyone who I can connect with when so many have no one and I guess that's enough for me to have the hope that things will be better tomorrow
There's an very specific fear about suicide that almost nobody takes in consideration: THE DOUBT. If you're totally convinced that you'll still exist in some form of your conscience after leaving the body, not knowing what's on the other side is a very insidious fear...What if I'll be dragged against my will and power to another plan of existence even worse than this world? What if there's some evil governance behind the visible and I'll be abused and punished just for doing my thing and desobeing? What if you become some sort of fucking ghost, as a punishment? Doubt is very crushing
Having a chronic illness, even one as manageable as Diabetes, the desire comes from a huge amount of frustration against yourself, the world, the food, the medication and more. Imagining being able to eat something without a worry or concern for bolus or medications, or feeling alright even without having to eat every 2 hours...then it comes into "I wish it wasn't here". "I wish I wasn't here". Its a fast step into the desire of things not existing, out of overwhelming feeling of what can or cannot be controlled. I always felt when, I desire to not exist here, it is my search to recover control into a world that is over complex, unable to be tamed or changed by sheer force of work from my own. Then you realize its ok to be unable to control life, or people, or all of your health...specially on an ill day with diabetes where you to into high spikes or you messed your insulin and get lows. Desire of non-existence is really desire for a real control in our lives, probably. Maybe. I don't know.
That is ultimately one of the biggest struggles: That longing for some sense of control in a reality that denies us so little of it. And in circumstances of "letting go," whether in seeking comfort or in actually dying, control is traded for some semblance of peace. Having control of any sort is the bargaining chip for any scrap of peace of mind, and even if that control has already been "sold," the act itself of relinquishing that control can sometimes bring peace in the form of freedom.
"All you can offer is your friendship" And yet, even then, sometimes it's not enough. A close friend of mine took his life near the end of 2019. He was loved. He had friends that loved him, family that loved him. And yet, maybe it was because he couldn't feel that love, maybe because fear of his circumstances (he was going through some stuff I won't get into) he felt it wasn't worth it to go on. The hardest thing to struggle with, what I am still struggling with, is knowing that I offered the best I could, but it still happened.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life” It is hard, very hard to struggle with the thoughts of not doing enough, or doing something wrong. It is difficult to not let those thoughts consume you. The most bitter pill to swallow is that we can not change the past, we can only hope the lessons we learn from it can help us do better in the days still to come.
To clarify a bit: suicidal ideation is different from suicide. If my description of suicide disagrees with your personal experience, this might be why… Joiner’s point is that there are psychological differences between those who succeed in dying and those who attempt and fail, and of course, even those who only have suicidal thoughts. Joiner has a lot of evidence to support these claims in his book. I’ve suffered from suicidal ideation before but I’ve never been suicidal. If I had expressed my thoughts to a therapist I wouldn’t be hospitalized against my will, but how to explain this? I believe Joiner’s book does a great job detailing why certain people are at higher risk for dying from suicide than others. I think the way he explains it in terms of psychology is brilliant. I understand I could have done a better job explaining such an important distinction.
Yes it's actually very easy to commit suicide, the only thing easier being considering it. It really does take a significantly different state of mind to carry out such a painful thing compared to dealing with depression. They're both truly dark and difficult but different in a subtler way. "While the desire for suicide is necessary, it alone will not result in death by suicide. Rather, Joiner asserts that one must also have acquired capability (that is, the acquired ability) to overcome one's natural fear of death."
I think it's important to be aware that it's not easy, per se, there are a lot of people who have had to suffer the consequences of nearly every method available to show that, even methods a lot of people think are nearly fail safe. I thought there was some really interesting discussion and media reference here, I do wish the conclusion wasn't so blunt and off-putting, though. I hope making this was helpful for you as someone who lost someone to suicide, I can relate to that and it's one of the worst things I've experienced, but I also feel like you're making a statement of fact about something much more nuanced than that and may cause people to abandon your content as a result. I've found some of your other content very interesting do I hope you sick with it, but I definitely hope the feedback throughout the comments helps you avoid that sort of conclusion in the future.
Not all suicidal people; not all people with suicidal ideation; not all depressed people; there is significant error and bias present in the research you cited, but you did not address any of it in this video. Suffice to say the incidence of undiagnosed mental illness in this country is an epidemic, especially among men. The people contributing to the ideas of "what do suicidal people think" are also disproportionately sourced from people who, in fact, did not kill themselves.
I feel like "it's already too late" references the past events that occured to have made people feel suicidal, or feel the way that they do, rather than referencing the future suffering that will occur. The future holds many things, aswell as suffering, but suicide can never undo the core of what created the urges to begin with
"Stupid" "Asshole" "Selfish" "Ungrateful" "Dumb" "Evil" "Malevolent" "Pitiful"... Out of all the things that you said, "Selfless" was what struck me the most. The word kinda beamed inside of me. It was what made me cry. I've never experienced the featherweight feeling of being seen. Thank you so much. Edit: Reading this again... This was really melodramatic hahaha
Good on you not accepting a sponsorship from Better Help. Doing that alone gets so much respect from me. There's even bigger channels who claim to care about mental health and still take their sponsorship.
sometime ago I told a friend that my only true wish, was for total oblivion, to simple close my eyes and stop existing. I can't say with total conviction, that I have had a bad life, nor that I don't feel love, but all I can say for sure, and have been saying for the better part of my adult life now, is that if I were to die today, I'd die a happy and satisfied life. When I was a child, a freak incident put me really close to death, but a cranial surgery brought me back. I was only a kid, who didn't know any better, and for a brief moment, stopped being alive. From that point on, every happy or unhappy moment in my life comes with this perspective, I could've just stopped existing way before this happened. The first quote of this video, really shocked me. I felt the words as their meaning made a fundamental sense into my being 'it is already too late'. It is true, all those things that happened are already gone, it's in my past now. I can't say where this new meaning will bring me, or change me, but I'll probably never forget it, as I think about death, my death, every day. I still believe, that my time will come, hopefully soon, something happening to me, and I'll be able to stop existing, and feel unbelievable peace, as I pass away once again. I am incredibly thankful for you making this video.
Hey is it okay if I use these lines for a short film that I’m making? In a personal note, what you’re saying feels like a phase that I had when I was younger. The feeling of nonexistence. Questions like why do I exist? What is my propose here? Type stuff. I recommend to seriously see a therapist. If that fails that I wish you luck in finding a new way to exist. P.S Try hedonism btw. It’s a little dangerous if excessive with it.
@@kesler4982 A film that’s “kind of” exploring what you already talked about. Thanks again for meeting me use your lines. I’ll make sure to give you credit for it.
15:48 Yeah. The desperate need to feel like you belong somewhere. Being bullied or ignored just intensifies the negative. Lifelong depression opens your eyes to more than one would want but if you get through to a more stable life, your empathy and understanding will be your greatest strength.
This was certianly hard to watch for me. One of my closest friends died by suicide 2 days ago and the stuff said in this video make me hurt even more. All I can hope for is that wherever he is, I just hope that he is happy and at peace.
im sorry for your loss. sometimes its hard to realize how much people really care, speaking from experience. you're awesome for trying to help make his life better by being his friend. even when you dont know what theyre going through, i promise you made it a bit easier. i know you helped him live longer. he was a great friend, im sure. from my experience, if you are too kind you begin to think so much less of yourself, and you begin to wonder if you matter. but everyone does. just a few under everyone has made a significant difference, a great one. thank you for being there for him and yes, i know for a fact he is at peace. whether there is or isnt an afterlife - you know he is.
It's not about wanting to die. It's about wanting to escape pain. Imagine being in a burning building on the tenth floor. Do you let the flames continue to burn you, or do you leap out the window? In choosing to live, you have to endure the pain. You have to regrow the skin, suffer a long painfull healing process until it is thick enough to witstand the coarseness of life. It will inevitably leave you scarred and deformed. And then, only then can you bear to see your existence through others which would you choose?
i saw that jump vs. burn analogy, could you point me to that video again? it was brief but well produced and the guy had a strange way about him but that quote has never left my mind, choosing the slightly lesser of two horrible ends
To be honest I still don’t understand how life can be so painful that you can’t go on living from an emotional perspective. I feel like the root of being suicidal is fundamentally emotional, so it’s hard for me to draw parallels with “physical” examples such as a burning building.
My experience with suicidal thoughts was different from what you described in the video. I know people care for me, I know I am loved. I know I’m selfish for wanting to die, but I just want the hurt to stop, you know?
You put into words some of the stuff I've felt and know your comment is appreciated and seen. I hope that the hurt will stop or be drastically reduced for you. I don't think or know if it will lessen or stop for me, but I do want that for you.
See I think we are selfish, or at least I am for trying it. But I don't think anyone can blame us for that. The depths of emotional torture we've been subject too would push most people to the same conclusion - its in the end *almost rational. The problem is in ignoring the very real version of you that wants to exist. Do we owe it to them to try to get better? Maybe, I don't really know- But I think I might owe them another day just to figure it out.
I feel so unhappy to be born to have to deal with shit. But i cant talk about this to my close ones. Because i literaly have a normal and functional family. I am at uni and desperate to find a job that i will likely work till my last breath or not working at all and face criticism from family.But the problem is i dont feel the joy in any career occupation anymore. I did all jobs from sales to developers. And the fire in me just suddenly vanished now. No directions no nothing. What should i do
Sometimes it's the pain, and as I've gotten older sometimes it's purely from just being tired. I get tired of life, tired of everything and would rather just not exist.
Ive never fully understand the guilting of suicidal people. I was guilted in this way multiple times but it hasn’t given me more reason to live, in fact, it’s given me more reason to hate. Hate the world or hate myself or hate people or hate the breath that burns my lungs with pleasure. I struggle with truly respecting or understanding people. Sometimes i wonder if I’m truly a human and my label is just that. A label. Like having a label of a cereal on a container of rice. I get hatred and annoyance when I explain the faults that brought me into the world or when I tell my family that I don’t understand people and yet I’m forced to be one. I get reprimanded for not respecting life or respecting humanity but how am I expected, perhaps even demanded to respect people that would never want to consider respecting someone like me.
As you said, the wish to merely no longer exist can be a product of the lack of connection - the feeling of not just being worthy of love, but also the feeling that you may never be. What's most painful is trying, and failing, again and again, to the point you think you'll never be good at something, being proven time and time again that your efforts, your time, your love, your BEING hasn't amounted to anything, and it never will. What hurts is trying to make those connections, time and time again, and being left with nothing, time and time again. Everyone thinks introverts are the only victims of this pain. No one thinks about the ones who desperately try. It's not about extroversion, it's about loneliness. We want to be wanted too. "They always seemed so happy, so friendly. I didn't know what they were going through."
Thank you for putting this into words, And if i can add, It also hurts when you try to explain it to someone, explain how you've consistently experienced this your entire life to someone, and yet they turn to you and have the gaul to tell you to "stop painting everyone with the same brush" As if what you said went in one ear and out the other. As if it's you generalizing everyone, and you dont actually try. As if people aren't consistently painting themselves with the same brush over and over, time and time again with little to no variantion. As if it is you inflicting consistent rejection upon yourself and not the ones whom you've tried to form connections with rejecting you and your existence everytime
the thing for me is the opposite, it took me so long to actually feel my existence. when I was a kid I had so many problems with no explanation, it took me 19 years to realize the reason behind all of those was I didn't know how to exist. Their solution for me was just to change myself, and I did that for a long time. I changed so much that if I met my past self, I couldn't recognize myself anymore. right now the only thing I want to do is to find who I actually am, for me, it's hard to exist, it's like I'm ashamed to exist as the one I am. I tried to be someone else so I could feel what they felt, but I was unable to do that. so there were two choices for. I chose to just simply exist, be shameless and open my eyes every new day without looking for a higher purpose or anything that i can't understand. i don't need those to live, i just need to move forward. that's it. i'm a simple person with simple desires. the moment i realized that, even seeing trees were enough to feel loved.
I'm so glad that your channel's back! Your content is leading me through the hardest points in my life. I've been dealing with war-related PTSD, but your interpretation of such visceral and abstract feelings gave me vital insight into analyzing ones emotional self. Your content has taught me essential tools in metacognition and introspection, without which I doubt that I'd be here to write this comment. I'm really glad that you've managed to get your channel back, Just wanted to say that the impact you've had on my life, and I'm certain on many others as well, is cathartic and quite literally life-saving. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You.
I've watched Monster a couple times over the years. Great series. Always nice to see people talk about it. And tying it into a feeling I've often felt was a nice touch. Excellent video.
I was born into a relatively poor family, where we live paycheck to paycheck. Neither of my parents are well-educated or have well-paying jobs, and they didn’t raise me in a way that set me up for success. I feel like I could have achieved so much more if I had been born into someone else’s family and raised in the right environment. I love my parents, but life feels so unfair sometimes. It breaks me to even feel this way.
That's why I did rather have an abortion than bring my kid on earth for them to feel this pain... I feel them never existing is better than them being miserable and feeling life is a pain.
I've been wishing that I've never been born ever since I was 15. I'm 29 now, and that wish grows stronger every year. I was forced into existence by two selfish people who had no right to be parents. My father is angry, massive narcissist and my mom is weak willed woman who put up with his crap and made us do it too. Truth is, I feel so much resentment towards them.
I don’t think I’ve ever been actively suicidal but growing up and a large portion of my adulthood I sure did wish I had never been born or that I could just simply not exist anymore. It is kind of a relief to see I wasn’t alone in that.
Finally got around to finishing this video, and it was so cathartic and incredibly well crafted. What's more, the mention of “No longer human” comes at the most perfect time. My disconnection from human beings has always been very apparent to me, and the fact that I could never feel fully represented by any media (contrary to my peers) further proved my point. Or at least, until “No longer human” found its way to me. Word by word, Osamu Dazai's vision of the world and self, reflected my own so gently and purely, that he humanized us both, in the process. I guess that was enough to ground me and bring my suicidal thoughts to their usual passive self. It honestly took me years to finish. Every few lines would send me into a tailspin, or my mind would make frantic efforts to keep me away from it, hiding it or making me forget about it. It's still one of my most precious possessions, and whenever my loved ones describe the desire to see my mind and experience of the world, I find myself redirecting them to this beautiful book. I've heard people horrified by the story and its main character Yozo, claiming him to truly be unworthy of being a human being; and I say they are the ones lacking humanity if that's all they have to say about such a raw and humanistic piece of art. It's not a sign of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society.
finished the video, i love just how it was produced, and i feel myself relating to a lot of what was said, but i feel as though my feeling of not wanting to exist is different from being born or wanting to die. i just don't want to be HERE. i want to just observe as everything passes by, i want to be what i feel is free
I actually don't understand what's so difficult to imagine not existing, or what's so scary or unknown about death. If you've experienced a persistent state of numbness and apathy - to the point where you sit there for hours barely even thinking at all - then you know what "nothing" feels like.
I know that I’ve experienced the yearning for non-existence. Though I know there is no way for what has been done to be undone. Even if my existence were erased there is now an absence where I used to be. Most of my suicidal thoughts are out of frustration and anxiety of having to live. People live for such a short amount of time but when I am faced with the years of potential life I feel the process weigh on me. Living is an exhausting process but like exercise it is worth doing for your own sake. Though recently I’ve found that I feel unworthy of life. In order to be better you need to want to be better and sometimes I can’t bring myself to want that. I deny myself the right to take up time and space to exist in whatever way. Though I almost feel as if my worth has been compromised. Not by myself but by the world around me. I don’t want to exist in a world that hates me and despite all the evidence that it doesn’t I still feel the sharp edges cutting into me. Certain people do not want me to exist and it’s for things I cannot control. My gender, sexuality, race, neurodivergence. It does not fit into whatever prepackaged thing that those people subscribe to. And it’s not just that those people exist with such bigotry but that a lot of them make it their life’s work to be weird about it. Some people go into certain careers with the intention of using violence against people like me and the people I love. They make it harder to live knowing that the way our society is built tells me that I’m not worth the time or the space to simply be and how I’ve internalized it and sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the idea of becoming another static that people will use against more people like me. I go through this process of rage and then depression and then exhaustion with life. If there’s any concern I’m currently doing pretty alright. Trying to like actually think about how to survive in this modern dystopia as someone that would implode if put into certain environments. At this point I do not wish for happiness I just want to be content. My existence is bearable for the time being until it is not bearable due to uncontrollable or controllable conditions. TL;DR Bro living is kinda ass Still gonna do it tho
i decided to not kms, and came to terms with the fact that passive suicidality is gonna be a part of me (it has been for as long as i can remember). “It’s too late now” is the best way to describe it lol
I agree with most of the video except the parts where you insist suicidal people don't really want to die. That's simply not true. Most of us truly do want to die, it's our families who want us to live.
this showed up on my recommended feed at very strange time as this is one of those days where it gets really really hard and the desire to not being born is at its all time high. it was really eyeopening when you said the desire to be loved is what makes people want to go on living, and i agree, and while i have friends and other people i care about and they care about me too, the fact that my parents never does seem to still does lasting damage to me, even tho im nearing 30 and i havent seen them in 6 yrs. job hunting has been really rough, and to see how the people who brought me into this world cares nothing about how im doing or even tries to help me, living the best of their live, going on month long trips abroad while im here thinking about not existing and wondering how im wont survive until the end of the year broke me again these couple of days. if the person who brought you into this world never even wanted you to be here, why are you even here??? tenma is my favorite character from monster but i greatly sympathize with johan...
@@kunpunko fr, I've seen people (not all people but lots) be kind to cats for being themselves or existing. Meanwhile I've seen people (not all people but still some) be mean towards homeless people and go as far as destroying their food and belongings.
i never wanted to exist. i recently found a note from when I was literally SIX YEARS OLD about how I’d be better off dead. but I’ve just got to keep going. not like I really have a choice. so I just spend it trying to spread positivity, because even if I’m gotten just as everything else will be, I at least did something.
TW suicide. I think about wanting to die every single day since i was little and at some point in my misery i asked “well why?” I’m here with a collective heart (and some therapy sessions up my sleeve) analyzing my attempts and it was really a pure sense of hopelessness and physical pain that was felt from the tip of your toes to the top of you head. Every single part of your body feels off and you want to get yourself out of there. And death sounds like a pain killer. It is the most tunnel vision experience and you don’t even realize you are at the verge of death until the very last second. Your brain is echoing the same thing over and over and over not even you can interrupt it. And you genuinely feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when you’re like “fine I’ll just die” because you can. And you are. That’s the truth. “Nothing matters we are all gonna die”. I only got out by fantasying of my death (while waiting to die after to attempt) and how my absence would look like and then I thought of the people in that distant future and I calmed down. it was only after I fail I was about to think. I still feel myself at the side of death everyday but maybe that’s because I was born haha. It’s weird to think about not having depression because that’s literally all I know. It’s weird to think about not existing because that’s all I’ve been. But it’s weird we get to think in the first place so. Nothing matters we’re all gonna die. I finds peace in constants. At some point that was my death because no matter what I do I’ll be dead eventually. But now it’s curiosity. If something else in this life is true it’s that you’ll never know everything. So now I want to know everything because I won’t be done even when I’m dead. I’m saying this because I genuinely genuinely believed it was normal to want to die until I was told other wise. I imagine it’s the same on the other side of the coin. Anyway I hope people talk about this more because life’s answers are in the minds of the mentally ill but people are too proud …check on your loved ones and tell them you love them fr. The thought of you can save people too (I’m proof)
My wish to never have been born is very interesting. People who force you into the world and then expect you to act as if you wanted to wake up everyday struggling for survival.
Nobody is forcing you to struggle. Take it or not, but it's not a lie that you can just enjoy your life. Don't say things like money or family issues, looks... the only excuse could be severe disability, and even then, there's examples of those making the most of it. Youre not forcing yourself to struggle, and the feeling of pain you have is valid, and so too is it valid to not change anything, but it's possible. Atleast, that's my opinion.
@@NoNo-lt7tg I wish I could’ve gone more into detail if I cared, but I was tired at the time of writing that comment. Thank you for being so respectful in your comment and you’re right you only struggle if you think or believe you are. I don’t struggle at all! I just wish I was never born honestly. Have a good day!
I got chills at the end. This really is an eye opener. Fantasy keeps the world going. And not wanting to exist is different than being suicidal. Amazing explanation and references.
What a beautifully written piece of art. I am privileged to deeply know every reference you make, it's as if this was written by and for myself. What a comfort it is to know that someone else thinks and feels so similar to me.
I’m a 36-year-old man who feels like my best days are behind me, and have always held a resentment toward my parents for bringing me into this world that I never asked to be a part of. Some days it takes all the energy I can muster just to get up and live another day. I’ve already decided that I will live long enough to see my mother pass and then I will check out as soon as she’s gone. I can’t inflict the pain of my loss on her, so for now I will go through the motions.
It's gonna be harder when my grandmother passes, and I don't even want to think about existing in a world in which my best friend and love of my life no longer exists. The day they are both gone, I'm either already dead or I might soon follow, anyways. My cat's life is far more finite, but I'll be happy for her if she can outlive me comfortably.
I know this doesn’t address all your comments but there has been studies on terminally ill elders about when they felt the most comfortable/happy/and confident during their lives, and the most common answer was when they were 40-50 years old. After they were comfortably in their careers and after dealing with the highs and lows of youth. I don’t think your best days are behind you, I just think that’s what media and society defines as the best times of everyone’s lives (18-25) is over. But a lot of that is just the sensationalization of youth. I do the same thing, where I constantly romanticize my 20s and constantly fill with guilty nostalgia and anxiety that I can never return to those years. But I think there is some merit to relying on the studies, and holding in for later parts of our lives. I want to see for myself why being 40 was better than 20, and if you can, I think you should think about that and challenge yourself too. But I do understand the struggle, and how exhaustion permeates your being. I wish you the best, truly. And I get what you mean about not wanting to burdening your mom with your death. I do the same for my uncle.
It's... weird... the only times I can escape this feeling is when I'm so deep into a roleplay (DND but also freeform ones) I lose myself and see myself as the character I'm playing rather than the me playing them. I feel a purpose when I pretend to be not me. A hero of hope, a harem protagonist, a brooding vigilante, a quirky well-meaning kleptomaniac, a dramatic tragic villain. When I'm these, I don't feel it. I don't feel that passive ideation.
I've been battling depression for most of my life. This is all articulating something I have not been able to. Thank you for talking about this. Truly, thank you. The way you describe this just shattered me and the tie in with anime resonated. I'm grateful you just walked me through my thoughts.
I have been feeling this way since forever. I'm currently 17. I'm only here now because my 10 year-old self decided to give me a second chance. I wish i was dead. I exist through every passing moment hoping that i would just disappear. There isn't a single day where this thought fail to cross my mind. My desire towards materialistic things never lasts long before i'm questioned with the uncertainty of "why?" I don't want to do, feel, or have anything, because what's the point? There's no meaning. I can live my life simply if i let go of the search for meaning and accept reality. But i genuinely can't. Because at the end of the day, all i want to do is disappear into nothingness.
I’m 17 too, we have barely experienced life yet. Say we live to 80, we haven’t even gone through a fourth of our lifespan yet, and typically we don’t get conscience till like 7-10 years of age, so we have been mentally around for even less. Life has so much to offer, and the way we look upon the world impacts it immensely. I used to fear death to the point where it would push me to tears every night as I thought I wouldn’t wake up. I found my safety in my faith, the world is a complicated place, and the lens we use to look upon it changes everything I believe in you. you are meant for greater things, we are all in this together💪🏼
As someone who was c sectioned, born blue, with the chord wrapped around my neck and later odd and died for 5 minutes we most certainly can conceptualize non existence. It’s bliss
You wouldn't remember any of that were it not for someone else telling you of it Before you say I am wrong, know I went through this same experience upon my birth. Born dead from an umbilical cord strangulation and revived
@@chandlerdoeswhatifs9399 I don't think that was the point. The point is that they are romanticizing it because I desire non existence. They wish they never were revived. It's a difficult thing to be told - glass and salt in the wound for someone who wishes non existence.
To experience a bliss, you have to experience things. Non existence is just like that time before you were born, and you know what was the most striking thing about it from your perspective? It happened in less than a millisecond. Meaning that for all intents and purposes, we can't not exist, because the period where we are dead is completely irrelevant for us. Once you die, trillions of years will pass in an instant, and you will just continue existing again.
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, though I don't think I ever wanted to simply not exist or never be born. The closest feeling I've had was when I felt very depressed. wishing that nothing existed save for my bedroom- no door or windows, no outside world, no other people. I wouldn't grow old or hungry or thirsty, I could either sit and draw for as long as i wanted, then settle into bed and sleep soundly for thousands or even millions of years. Then I'd wake up and everything would be back to normal, and I'd fix myself breakfast.
There's a corner of the internet where the beauty of death is the subject matter, and the most profound works from them have "why die?" and "what are the effects?" at their center.
I just discovered this channel and I thought you quit, after seeing your upload history. I was very much delighted to have been graced with this upload. 🙏
i dont just want to "never have existed". i absolutely want to die. i want everything that entails. and having somebody tell me they know better than i do just solidifies this desire & the motivation i need to do so
i havent existed for billions of years before i was born, it has done me no harm. I cannot imagine it being diffrent for the billions of years to come after my time has passed.
I frequently find myself feeling this. Though as you so eloquently put, it's quite a nuanced and unclear feeling. A previous video of yours, "The Desire to Not Exist" resonated greatly with me and also I felt echoed much of how I frequently feel. Thank you for putting feelings like these to words one can ponder and understand.
Don't choose a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Thats something I heard recently and its one of a handful of things keeping me on the path to admitting myself to a mental hospital [not a psych ward, v different] and not just committing to permanence. I'm trying, and I'm arranging to be admitted by January. I'm lucky to have people who support me as well, but this phrase has really stuck to me. This existence is so scary and so overhwelming, but permanence and the impact I'll leave on the people that love me is scarier.
Emil Cioran is one of my favorite wikipedia finds. This is the first time I've seen anyone discuss him. I was researching nihilism among other things and Emil's views caught my eye because I aligned with his views very closely. I will explore Joiner and that book, as a depressed person the way you explained that S people conquer their primal fear of death by going through it in their head over and over really makes sense to me. It now makes sense to me how regular people are always so dumbfounded that anyone would want to do such a thing. To think that people used to, and still say, that anime is just cartoons yet in nearly all philosophical videos you can find examples of anime that explores these serious, complex topics. I just realized I watched your other video from 2 years ago.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
We having an existential crisis with this one
Real
frrr
BArtholomeo!!!!!!
I am used to, so it's ok
i lowkey forgot anything else existed while i was playing this video
I will always remember being in a psych ward and talking to one of the other girls. She said that we weren’t selfish for wanting to kill ourselves, but that others were selfish for wanting to keep us alive when it was so painful. The suffering may have already happened but to imagine a life where it repeats forever is a difficult thing. Now I don’t struggle nearly as much but I think I’ll always agree with her on some level.
❤Sending you love and healing
But you won't live forever. And living is suffering at times. You just need to learn better coping mechanisms. We all do. You just need to have more patience and kindness for yourself.
@@happilyevernever4289You just need to stop talking about thing You don't understand.
@@Dolrittoi dont think so, i just think he needs to word himself better
I definitely agree with her.
There's an aspect about suicide/suicidal ideation that I never really see people talk about.. When people say they "just want the pain to end", I relate, but in a different way. I don't want to not be anything; I want to be everything. My experience of suicidal ideation is wanting so desperately to live and be alive, but feeling like it will never come to pass. I would wail in the late hours of the night sobbing that I want to live, I want to love and travel, I want to explore. I want to breathe. I am desperate to be alive, and yet, I feel like a doll that will never get that satisfaction. Like if pinoccio never had a possibility of becoming a "real boy" and being alive. What makes me want to die is the soul-crushing feeling that I will never get to truly live. That I won't live a happy life, and this rotting inside of me will never go away; that it will haunt me for the rest of the time I am on this earth. When all I want to do is be alive, the most reasonable end seems to be death.
You make your own destiny. Work toward it, and you will get the life you want, how soon depends on how hard you're willing to work.
I have had those experiences, and what i can tell you is that the reason that i was going forward after that was because i have already experienced it, my childhood years were blissful and i would give everything i have right now to go back to that time, the evidence of that feeling being possible since i have experienced it before is what keeps me pushing, to chase that same life going into my adult years with my full will.
@@xitcix8360 You need to be in a state of privilege to even be able to say that. Not everyone can "just work for it", it's just invalidating. You don't know them. For all you know they could be bedridden.
@xelith6157 Even if you are permanently bedridden, there is a path to success if you work hard enough and give it enough time, even if it takes a decade. Anybody can watch online courses and get certified for a career, anybody can start an online business, anybody can find love. Unless you're mentally disabled, there is always a path.
@@xelith6157 I am bedridden lol
‘Suicide is an apology for having ever existed’ is such a profound, poignant and painful truth.
I don't see how that is profound
Like 'omg I have not lived up to the expectations im sorry i'm heading out now' that is not profound
@@davidkeulen7006 It is when you factor in that it perfectly describes how suicidal people think and feel. As someone whose been suicidal quite a lot in life - not assuming you’ve never experienced it by the way - it perfectly describes some of the heaviness, thoughts and feelings I’ve never really been able to articulate. That’s what I meant by profound. I don’t think it’s something that should necessarily be aspired to, but it does help having it put into such simple terms. Most of my darker thoughts are on how my existence impacts other people and how that gets twisted into believing things would be better for the ones I loved if I was no longer here.
I love how this video as a whole explored the mentality of suicidal ideation and chronic thoughts, and how it ended on a lighter, hopeful note.
100%
Not always. Some people are just tired of participating in a rigged game where they always fail and suffer no matter how hard they try.
Thanks for not accepting the better help sponsorship 🙌🏽
giving any credibility to people who decide that only well off eurocentrics could possibly be right about anything is just as bad tho. might as well call it a virtue signal at that point tbh. because you clearly still believe that 99% of the human species are "mentally ill" for simply not being born as well off eurocentrics. its hilarious to see so many philosophy focused channels do exactly that. well off eurocentrics privilege really does retard their capacity to understand reality. thats where all these long winded explanations of why people should or shouldnt feel a certain way. because their frame of reference is one of a nearly perfect world, not what most of us experience, which is just the effects of their endless judgements combining with the unearned privilege/power over others well being. anyone endorsing the existence of eurocentric culture is a eugenicist because thats all this culture has ever operated for, applying the goals of eugenicists to the world at all costs....
I feel I have missed something- can you explain?
Nvm- I got 7 minutes into the video 😂 I just saw your comment while the beginning played so I was confused
So many folks I would normally respect still have that sponsor.
@@ZX-Gear they probably just don't know. I didnt' know til like a week ago and it's been going on for years
That’s why I love sleeping. While I am sleeping, I am not existing. I dream rarely, so it feels like a slice of nonexistence.
Sleep is just death, being shy...
passive sucde ideation?
finally someone who gets it
when I’m sleeping I’m just in clarity, just not suffering and it’s enough to be some state that I don’t feel mental suffering in be loved and desired
sleeping is the free trial of dying
My personal experience with suicidal ideation was that I truly, don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with everything life throws my way (the happy AND the sad). It's tiring.
It just feels logical, like, if I was experiencing burnout I would be recommended to leave my job. If I was experiencing a toxic relationship i would be recommended to leave...what do I do if I'm just tired, overall?
But yeah, I'm too tired to even try, and deal with whatever the consequences of attempting will bring, so I guess I'm staying
If you're tired, rest. Rejuvenate. Find purpose, maybe?
My dad told me about the want to not exist when I was about 4 or 5 first. May not have been the best thing to tell a kid about, but I stand by what he told me. It's simply not logical to want to be here. The moment I think about the logic behind living, I come to the same conclusion; it's only coincidence and an unnecessary one at that.
I don't always feel suicidal, but even when I'm happy I know deep down I don't 'belong' here. I wish I could exist without being at least.
I wish you the best way to cope with living.
@@aspenirving you too! It's not even a sad thing, like you said, just not logical. We tend to romanticize things because life is rare, but so are plenty of diseases. So, rare isn't always good.
We also have religion deciding that suicidal people deserve hell, so most people think that being suicidal = bad when in reality I just don't have the time or the money to have a good experience due to capitalism.
And don't get me started on disabled people, because god knows what some of them are being forced to go through, without even being able to communicate.
personally i feel life is meaningless and purpose is a capitalist manipulation. im simply here to be as happy as possible and enjoy as much as possible. currently im pretty happy about half the time, and as far as i can tell i have a pretty good potential to be happy in the future. when im old and it hurts to move or breathe and i can barely think, i dont think ill be happy like that, and i doubt i would be able to be in a working state again to enjoy life. ill prolly die then. i want to live now because im having a good enough time and i know im highly likely to have a better time later too. once neither of those are true im gone
@@Mc-zr2xj the first sentence you wrote is stupid, because you just follow it with what your purpose is
“Even as a child, when I lacked for nothing, I wanted to die: I wanted to surrender because I saw no sense in struggling. I felt that nothing would be proved, substantiated, added, or subtracted by continuing an existence I never asked for.”
I remember having so many arguments with my parents as a child because I would say “I wish I was never born!” and they’d inevitably call me dramatic.
It’s a thought I’ve never been able to shake and the older I get the more justified I feel my child self was.
It is pretty dramatic though. Perhaps pick up some unnecessary responsibilities and accept that you take yourself too seriously. When you're in charge of caring for others, you stop caring about your own every move so much.
Remember, humility is NOT thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less often. When the focus of your life is on serving others, suddenly your every feeling and whim is no longer the driver of your life.
I wouldn't be that honest.
@@SeanWinters That's not true, when you care for others you especially care about your every move because you do not want to hurt the people you love but benefit them. Yes - we are all in our own heads - the tragedy of philosophers' mind - the tragedy of depression - the tragedy of consciousness. It is better to indoctrinate ourselves into religion in order to find that blissful ignorance within a smaller box.
@@valvihk3649you immediately destroy the validity of your argument with the last part about religion, as a full depth dive into any religion, whether Hinduism or Abrahamic, often startle existential issues, its the same people who simplify religion or belittle it that it seems so blissfully ignorant
I really think it's not complicated. Succeeding in your endeavors is inherently satisfying. With enough failure, anything ceases to be worth the effort. For those of us who fail incessantly, acceptance is our only remedy. It's a remedy for the pathetic and the losers. Buddhist philosophy and christian meekness is perfect for screw-ups and peasants. Knowing better, it hardly works on me to practice acceptance. It's a way to delude yourself into peace, when reality is not being kind to you. What a trivial, pathetic existence. I was just not cut out. And awareness is not enough to save me
I have this desire. Life is full of suffering, and the worst is always yet to come. My parents will most definitely be gone before me and I will be there to witness it. Will I be able to manage to have a lifelong relationship or start a family? The financial need to survive for the rest of your life. These thoughts cross my mind and makes me wonder if experiencing life is worth all of this and more. I have no intention of taking my own life, but the desire or fantasy of never having been born is there.
As long as you outlive your parents, anything after that doesn't matter much
In the words of Doug Stanhope "Everybody that says that suicide is not the answer, hasn't heard all the questions."
Not all suicidal thoughts come from feelings of hopelessness.
You can never hear all the questions
Also maybe don’t listen to drug addict comics for existence advice lol esp Doug. Just jokes folks
@@Dondillilochevroletthis is why you haven’t heard all the questions let alone answers because you do not listen which is why you’re a victim to the present and a slave to non thinking. If you’d be quiet and listen you will understand, but your ego is getting in your way.
@@Dondillilochevrolet The source of a quote like this doesn't matter. Death of the author and all that. Sometimes the most profound sayings come from the wildest places
@@catdownthestreet this is more like r/im14andthisisdeep
I think the problem lies in how we made our societies work. Too many of us no longer fit the mold; we don't want to continuously fail to meet the standard of what's expected of us to be human. I'd love to live life as an observer outside of the human world, but realistically it'll never be possible. Humans ruin everything, even existence. Being born to see how beautiful the world is but being unable to experience it is just cruel.
True, we as human beings are designed for a world we no longer live in. At some point in the past everything started developing and changing so fast that it became impossible for human evolution to catch up with the challenges we face.
That's an interesting concept. But, I have to say - I think it's also human nature of indoctrination. I have not met one person within a religion that wasn't happy within their existence. Living in the box, ignorance is truly a bliss. Because they do not have to think like you think, they have meaning and it's real to them. They don't need proof and some don't even need logic.
We have all become philosophers.
We allowed it, as the others did for thousands of years. It's our own fault for this creation and I don't see it getting any better and it sucks.
@@morpheus_313 we're not 'designed' at all and evolution is mostly the result of extreme suffering and drastic events creating bottlenecks and culls in genotypes. Something very much to be avoided.
I do believe there is a major disconnect between those who have experienced suicidal tendencies and those who have not. Personally I have experienced the want to die and the want to never have been born. Other people have termed this as the Call Of The Void. An example of those who are not suicidal feel it when they are on a large cliff and feel the urge to jump for no reason. However suicidal people feel it almost on a daily basis.
I haven't been suicidal in years however if I was to die suddenly I would feel apathy towards it even if I have made massive strides in my own personal life, have many wonderful people in my life and a somewhat successful business that I am growing. I won't kill myself and have no intention of doing so now but that still doesn't stop me having the call of the void every once in a while.
The main difference I find is that although you may improve your life and well being once you get it it kinda just sticks around and reminds you every now and then that it is a possibility if things got too extreme like say being in a vegetative state and wanting someone to disconnect the life support kind of thing.
To attempt to understand it when you have not experienced it is truly impossible as it is one of those things that in most cases don't have a basis in logic.
You can't logically understand why someone wants to either die or not be born in the first place if our entire biological coding is towards living and reproducing the next generation.
In many cases the lack of fear of death and the want for death can be thought of through the less of either suffering or pain but that does not account for those that have good life's, means in which they can provide for themselves and those they care for. Aren't in any serious physically or even emotional pain and yet still feel the call.
I have a good family life, good childhood, good job, decent savings, loving partner, supportive friends and yet I still got depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
Most of those I spoke to who went though good lives and felt the same call of the void I noticed all similar things. For some reason we all felt the same thing.
I also noticed that they all were those kind of people who question everything, are creative, artistic and have the ability for incredible reasoning, quick to help others, are kind and generally think of others before ourselves.
I would argue that those that feel the need to not be born or to die are those who care far too deeply about others and the world and it is more through our hearts being shattered by the cruelty of the world that makes us feel the call more so that anything. We want the best for others and not just ourselves. And yet when we attempt to do so we are unable to make a significant difference in the world. Unfortunately I do not see this changing anytime soon.
That won't stop me from trying though. And it won't stop others from trying to make this place a little better off than when we started off. To attempt to understand the world and people and how we think through logic will only make you go insane. The only way to do it is to realise there is no logic. To do kindness when you can, to fight when all odds are stacked against you, to be truthful and to ignore the call as sooner or later Death has a way of knocking on your door in the end anyways at some point so why bother inviting him earlier.
Apologies for the wall of text but hopefully it makes sense.
The call of the void that you are talking about, this version of it, I have felt before, many times. Ended up with the exact same decision as yours. The decision to not stop trying even after all the odds. Except that I am just a 17-year old. That, in my opinion, is kind of terrifying, as I have never really met (face to face) anyone 17 or even older that has similar thoughts, or feelings as me. I have prioritized Logic and Rationality in my life as much as possible. And that has brought me ever so slightly closer to that call of void.
I have recognized the fact that no matter what I do in this world, it would not be able to make a big change in the grand scheme of things, no one can do that, considering the fact that this universe will come to an end either way. History, as I have learned throughout the years, is cyclical, not linear. The same things repeat over and over. There comes the rise of either good or bad, followed by downfall, and another rise of the same and so on and so forth. If a permanent change is impossible, then I at least hope to make a temporary change. At least, let it be the rise of good, or downfall of bad. Even if it's temporary (which, indeed, is very ambitious, to the point of impossibility). That's my take on all of this. What is your opinion on this?
The question on who gets to define good or bad arises from the previous paragraph. And that too is equally difficult. The only way moving forward that I see is to choose a framework, otherwise, the subjective nature of good and bad itself would prevent us from moving forward (in my opinion). That is why I have chosen an already made framework and I am going to uphold it (with a few tweaks of my own if necessary).
Also, sorry for the huge block of text. And like you said, hopefully it makes sense.
The only reason I haven't ended myself is that when I was a small child I tried and failed several times because I couldn't overcome my basic survival instincts and I just kinda gave up. Now I just regret not having gone through with it, because I have this weird mindset of: "It's already been so long, might as well push through, when I can't overcome my instincts."
It’s almost like a taint, for those that have gone through suicidal thoughts, and have found some way through it. It gives you that extra bit of insight into those murkier bits of existence, coming back into your life time to time.
I speak from experience, I still think about, but so removed that it’s almost like a fantasy, like I’m removed from it all.
I rarely feel so seen as I did while reading your comment. Thank you.
I call your conclusion "anti-nihilism", and it's a view I subscribe to when I'm on a peak and not in a trough. It feels good to know that others have reached the same end answer. Live well by yourself and be of as much help to others as you can while you can, because you might as well. One might well reach the opposite conclusion by the same reasoning, but I feel as though it would fall apart in that case. It takes less effort to be nice overall, I think, which perhaps appeals to the general exhaustion of the depressed.
"And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive. But better than both is the one who has never been born, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 4:2-3
Also: "- The life of the worlds is a roaring river, but Earth’s is a pond and a backwater.
- The sign of doom is written on your brows - how long will ye kick against the pin-pricks?
- But there is one conquest and one crown, one salvation and one solution.
- Know yourselves - be infertile and let the earth be silent after ye.”
― The Last Messiah, by Peter Wessel Zapffe
💯
Extinctionism Movement 👀
I think these are the hardest lines in the bible
@@Now4extinction honestly most beings want to live, is none of our business if some dont want so ynow.. if there be a mass death then be with only the ones that want and exclude the majority that just dont want.
who dont exist cant be happy, who exist can be happy regardless of suffering if they get strong.
being su*cidal, for me, outside of abuse/mistreatment, is this ever-existing exhaustion that life requires. Growing up I never had a goal, I didn't have a dream job, I didn't know you could have those things. Yes I knew what the word literally meant, but I didn't understand why 'goals' were being poised as so important. I just existed on, taking steps in an attempt to mirror what my classmates were doing in an attempt to be like them and maybe achieve friends. I applied to college, picked a random major, and even now as an adult I feel like I'm just doing what I have to do with no clear goal. It's exhausting. Even thinking of the concept of a goal and creating one seems exhausting in the ever-changing world dynamics of political turmoil, climate change, and all existential worries. I can't separate and compartmentalize things I think other people easily do. Even if I was able to actually conceptualize a goal, I don't think I deserve the happiness of succeeding it. When I do rarely feel happy, there's an underlying sense of doom and dread from beneath that prevents me from feeling it completely. I wouldn't say my life is miserable, and I do have a momentary reason to keep on living: academic validation. I'm currently knee deep in extracurriculars and major-centered programs in an attempt for validation from professors and staff I admire, meanwhile I have no clear want to actually be doing these things and rather than learning it feels like an obligation not to let them down. But it's all so exhausting. The chase for academic validation being my only reason to exist is in constant conflict of how tired it makes me feel but I can't decrease what I do because then I lose the only worth I have in my eyes. It's a perpetual, self-reinforcing cycle, leading me to having breakdowns every couple months where I nearly commit but calm myself down enough not to with the thought of how much hassle it would be for my friends to clean my stuff out and empty where I live. It's been this way since I was a kid. I will be the one to end myself. It's a thought I've had since I was 10, and a fact I've accepted, as that part of me is all I've known and is my truth for my whole life. It's my version of normal, a type of self-regulation. I just don't know when or why but I do understand it all stems from the feeling of exhaustion. And I know that once I do get my degree there is no more academic validation to seek, and that is where maybe my exhaustion will end. One way or the other, once I am faced with breaking down my established 'normal'.
I don’t want to give advice because I know I’m not experienced enough
Is it just the want of validation? Like you need for people to approve of you but not needing to waste energy by being a part of their life as well?
@@SirSqueakins I guess for me validation is comprised of two parts. The first is fear of embarrassment. I get embarrassed whenever I mess up something, get a question wrong, whenever my writing is seen as sub-par. This, I think, comes from the fear of making mistakes and the over-punishment from making mistakes from my youth, where I could be hurt at whenever I failed short of perfection, and therefore pushes me to put extra tension on myself to never be wrong. It also exemplifies my strong social anxiety, the overabundance of worry over things I know most people wouldn't bat an eye at. The second part is admiration at my professors, who I view as successful people that could make the world theirs and live successful lives, and showcase clear determination and drive towards a goal I don't have. I don't want them to be disappointed me, and although I know it's unhealthy I guess I view them as sort of parental figures since I didn't have healthy ones growing up. I think inherently my worldview is flawed, and obviously unhealthy. I also know being so fearful of embarrassment is sort of self-centered too, because why do I think I am so important my mistakes are bigger and worse than others, and that feeds into my frustration that I have yet to find a healthy route to be normal about failure. And I do think this all feeds into the feelings of doom I carry around, and is part of the reason I feel like a shell of a person often, operating on autopilot.
@@dls4642Try volunteering to help others in your community maybe you will find joy in the validation that comes from that.
There are lots of unknowns to explore and experience before ones physical health deteriorates and gets in the way.
I don't really know why am I watching this. I don't really wish I was never been born, I just wish we could all live much longer. I'm.going back to Michael Levin 's page.
I just have chronic pain, can't see well, and am impoverished so wish I was not born. The only time I am ever truly happy is when I am lucid dreaming.
I'm not suicidal but Indifferent to life.i don't consider myself depressed but do have many pessimistic views.its difficult to be happy when I got to work 70-80 hour a week just to keep my head above water as debt creeps past my airways.
No need to achieve happiness. Just some decency and being content would be enough.
@kormannn1 ^ it's not hard to achieve but your starting points hurt it the most..
I live a completely different life probably, but same. I'm so young, barely in my 20's, and too much happened already. My living situation is good now, but I'm just tired..
Thank you for calling out Better Health! It's disgusting so many RUclipsrs are still promoting it.
Ikr! But it shows which RUclipsrs could care less about promoting a scam or which ones don't even check to see if it is a scam in the first place yet promote it as if it's good.
Btw BetterHelp actively breaks confidentiality! Your messages are not safe when using BH.
@@Foogi9000 I was considering it at some point and knowing this now makes me feel like I dodged a large bullet. I wanted to do Better Help or online therapy in general bc I have a better time expressing myself in text like this than in-person and people tend to read the wrong things by looking at me or how my body is since I'm not always expressive in a normal way.
To anyone who knows more for this:
Since BetterHelp is clearly not a safe place and breaks confidentiality, is there any online/DM-like therapy that is actually good and does keep everything confidential? tbh my ideal therapy/form of help is DMing someone but under a different name, no picture/face reveal. I've got some issues but some of them are bad enough that I don't think I'll ever reveal it to someone with my real name and/or face known. Part of me was thinking of going to that healthygamergg guy but I don't know if he offers services and keeps people's issues private/doesn't make vids or streams on it.
@@happilyevernever4289 tbh you also have to understand that a sponsorship nowadays implies you "DO NOT ENDORSE IT AS A CONTENT CREATOR" and that it's just a paycheck, so I couldn't care any less than they did if they're sponsored by something they don't actually care about or are just trying to find a way to monetize something serious. Good on them if they don't take a sponsorship because of moral reasons, but I dislike the flack people are giving random youtubers because they took a sponsorship. (The alternative is obviously patreon or ko-fi, but we all know that 90% of your audience can't or won't donate any money)
Me too
There was a night that I just lied in bed with a feeling of just existing. Existing with no purpose, no feeling of mattering to anyone. It is not a feeling I would wish on my worst enemy.
I live in that.
Me every day all day.
How did you overcome it? I feel no joy in my existence every day.
Since I dont have the 'right' answer I'll give an analogy. Its like losing your leg. You can still walk with a prosthetic it's not really the same as when you had your leg and there will be many days where , you kind of hope for the day you'll be able to run how you used to but that chapter is done.. you do however still have two working arms maybe you can find the best in a bad situation.. Sometimes you forget though and you want for nothing but the leg you used to have and that's OK too
I can relate more than you probably think though... thats only my interpretation, that empty lonely feeling is CRUSHING a lot of the time and I wanna 'punch out the timecard' same as anyone else about 30% of the time shit ain't easy lol 😂
I don't wish to die. However, I do wish to fade. I dislike this world and the ignorance that fills it. Hatred is man's weapon and they wield it spitefully and ignorantly. To fade is sometimes to rest and other times to just let me do what I please. I didn't ask to be here and I definitely didn't ask for the fucked up system that I was thrusted into. What a wonderous thing to be born into a dystopian horror. The late stage death throws of an economic system. At times I just wish to float and observe, with no need to live or experience this suffering. At the end, nonexistence is what it was like before I was born. Nothing. I haven't lived it, for I wasn't alive. I didn't exist what so ever.
it's amazing how some people will go through life never knowing how it feels to want to die (or want so badly so live they want to die). that's a blessing tbh
I understand this feeling and sometimes I wonder how people without mental illnesses live. I don't imagine everything is perfect for them but after seeing how mental illnesses affect others, I'm curious on what the lives of those without such illnesses are like.
its so strange, like ever talk to a person whos neve been traumatisd? I have a few times, it feels like they live on the surface of life, not truly experiencing it. They are without the depth of emotional turmoil that changes a person and it shows. They feel shallow.
I wish I wasn't alive at 9
@@coolegg8489I have too. Because they don’t understand the risk that life has, nor what’s it like to be traumatized or understand the depth of emotion that actions can have on others, conversations about hard topics or in depth emotions feels very surface level with someone trauma free. Maybe that’s the way things are supposed to be, and maybe I just carry my trauma into every interaction and exaggerate the stakes, but I find that the most genuine connections I’ve had with people are with those who went through similar things I did. I’m half jealous of people without trauma and half fascinated that they operate through such a shallow lense of life, free of certain types on inhibitions. It makes me wonder if that’s the way “peak humans” are supposed to be, or if being human is tied into trauma and recognizing how strong and powerful emotions are. The best people on my opinion are those that have went through hard things and developed compassion through that, so I lean towards the latter.
it's a curse.
As a suicidal person, I resent that so many think they can speak for me. "I know you don't really want to die. Nobody does." I understand that when people say this, what they usually mean is that people want the pain to stop and death is only instrumental in that. This is like saying, "You don't want surgery. You just want the issue you're getting surgery for to go away." But is it true that people don't ever want death for its own sake? I'm not so sure. Wouldn't that imply that everyone wants to live forever, or at least that everyone would want to live forever if life were purely blissful? I think it makes sense to have a preference to not be conscious, especially given that in reality, consciousness always involves suffering. You won't be there to experience the lack of consciousness (which is the point), but while you're here, you can make a judgement.
I agree, society is very patronising towards suicidal people. It's almost like someone elses wish to not exist is an insult to 'them'
Normals can't abide actually thinking about their own non-existence. Suicidal people, who are not only comfortable with their own non-existence but *yearn* for it, throw that concept back in their face and question the status quo that, "being alive is best!"
They can't handle that, because it summons up all the existential demons they're suppressing and ignoring with their day-to-day grind and consumerism and hedonism and religion and and and and.
exactly what i also said in this video, I was near dying last year and I cant recall ever feeling peace before that
@@haltes it's because someone being suicidal forces "normal" people to confront all the lies and half-truths and BS they convince themselves of that lets them keep going, blissfully ignorant and thus 'happy.' They can't confront that mountain of self-delusion, so they label us "wrong." Not merely "broken," which I'll accept, on a limited basis, but WRONG, as in BAD.
We call into question their entire paradigm, and they're simply not strong and tough enough to deal with it.
Too. Damned. Bad.
@@haltes I mean, when you lose a parent or child, you feel like you weren't an enough reason for that person to keep living and trying to get better. It makes you feel worthless. Like that person was saying 'You're not enough for me to stay'.
But of course when someone decides it's time to leave this world, it's almost impossible to make them change their mind. That's why no one should feel guilty or less worthy for not saving someone from suicide.
The main reason why I miss being a teenager, was because I simply didn't think about deep topics like this, because I lived in my little bubble with my fellow youngsters. The reality of life suddenly hits you in your 20s, and it isn't fun. Now for the rest of my life, I will have to carry these thoughts.
At least these thoughts haven’t plagued you your entire life, for me- these thoughts all started in 2014 for me and it’s made me an extremely pessimistic and mean person. Starting therapy soon, so hopefully my healing journey lies ahead.
I’ve been thinking like this since I was 12 it’s definitely not healthy for me
i wish the reality had not hitted me at 8 so now i could have nice teenage years but instead im more close of a suicidal hikkikomori than a normal boy
I have been thinking like this only recently, probably around COVID-19 era. However, from my younger years, I have always been a child with lack of desire to grow and be great person like my father & my mother. I know that I am like this because in my elementary school, I was bullied a lot by my friends. After that, I became a recluse and playing games, reading comics, watching movies, going to restaurants are the only thing that bring me joy. Perhaps I was, and still am, like this because I had 0 friend. I have few friends now, but we don't interact much. I also hate the things that's happening around my country and the world. I wish I could just get rid of this thing called "awareness"
putting it here for all who are asking:
This video was uploaded about a month prior, but due to sponsorship problems it got postponed.
Check the channel's Community section to see the timeline.
100% worth the wait per usual
since this comment is pinned ill leave this here:
accept suffering completely and you will be happy since it will not affect you anymore.
you can be happy even with the worst of lives if you accept any possible pain that comes in the way, most beings dont suffer so deeply because of the lack of care about suffering.. some do can have life long traumas (even flies) but others just can be happy and forget about pain.
@@jktech2117 just be happy and youll feel better
I feel like no one aksed to be born into a world where the norm is to be a corporate or minimum wage slave to survive.
You are a wise person. Most humans understand on a basic level that life in its current state is becoming more difficult and less enjoyable in every aspect. There is a lot of uncertainty about one’s existence in the modern world where putting roof over your head, food, and medical costs are astronomical. Not to mention that education is absolutely bankrupting many people who have tried to get an education just to be stuck with high student loan payments for decades not being able to afford to travel, to buy a home, to go places or even have any normal existence and before you know it life is a major burden with little or no joy. On top of that come painful childhood traumas and very painful adulthood relationships that further create suffering and pain. And of course life can become so difficult and painful one may ask if life is even worth living. I have pondered this question many times and I must say one thing that does push me forward is the people who have been cruel and abusive towards me. As I obtain my graduate degree and continue towards a Ph.D I feel enormous gratitude for the people who have been abusive, cruel and horrible to me, they propel me forward and make me stronger. In a way I feed of their cruelty and tell myself they won’t break me, their cruelty and abuse only has made me strive and grow stronger.
You would rather go back in time with no medicine, filth, blatant slavery, no job diversity and I could go on
@@fiery_agency you’re putting words in their mouth. They never said that. Clearly you don’t understand and that’s ok.
@@robertholden4586 I just feel like it's annoying when people bitch about the modern world saying "corporate slave" when it's the best we've ever had.
@@fiery_agency yeah but it’s draining
Existence feels like a burden too heavy to bare a lot of the time. I'm terrified of dying and I drive myself insane thinking about death. I've developed chronic anxiety because I'm always over worrying about everything (especially my health). Sometimes I really do wish I never existed in the first place to have to shoulder the burden of existing. But not death. The train of thought from this video is going to make me lose sleep.
why is this comment relatable
I don't know when my dissatisfaction with life began.
There are possible starting points, but it goes back too far to recall.
All I remember was the first time I looked up at the sky and thought to myself, "is this it? Life is boring."
Nothing but pain and a struggle to survive. It's tiring. More than sad or happy, it's simply exhausting.
I get the same thoughts at random, even during happy and pleasant moments. Like on the way back home after a movie night with friends, it even happened during one of my brother's wedding.
I've been trying meditation and a secular buddhist way of life to try to deal/cope with this.
Tiring isn't the same as boring, tho. I get the exhaustion but the boredom? There are a lot of things I need to do everyday, things I struggle with, that boredom never crosses my mind. Dead tired? Definitely. Bored? Far from it
@@nilak.s617 "Tiring isn't the same as boring, tho" But you can still have both...
I think the addition of Shinji and Evangelion in this is important. I feel like he is the epitome of wanting to die but not wanting to kill himself
When I was 19 two major things happened to me: First, I started cutting myself in preparation to die, to get brave, shred the fear of pain and simply go in one clean stroke. The second was watching Monster. The anime.
My sense of disconnection is very easy to follow, I know when it begun and why, but that never makes the loneliness go away. I started thinking that only surface feelings should be attached because you cannot guarantee being there the next morning wo why being pain to others if you are gonna get lost yourself? And that echoed as I watched that Anime. My love for those noir and detective stories fed by this almost metaphysical series, and the memories of all the beacons of hope I found also came running with each chapter. I was fascinated by Bonaparta and his capacity to change a child's mind with a book, so much that I decided to educate kids and hope that the seeds in their minds bloom into hope. I was terrified of how much Johan, or his shadow could echo my own pain and insecurities... And I feel in love with Tenma and his journey, his hopes, his purpose and the primise that the sun will cone once again.
One day I just cracked down and after nights and night of begging for death and dreading the fear of it, I hugged my mom, showed her the cuts and she simply hikd me too, crying with and for me. Then I knew, I would never ever be able to end myself. My mother's warmth was too precious too loose, my siblings voices, my dog gaze, the nicknames my father gave me. The sound of rain, the drawings I do, the dreams I had, the things I wanted to see and share, it was too precious. Even if I was worthless in my eyes, life was not and I wanted to be there and had a chance to, perhaps, love myself as fiercely as I loved being there. And sometimes its hard, it has been years of struggle, but every time I found myself hurting, I'm also able to cry, put some video, sleep and wake up the next morning, marveled at the sun.
Another chance to try, because tomorrow the sun will shine.
Thanks to the creator for this, thanks youtube for baiting me with the series that saved my life. I wont ask anyone to live, specially if they are in pain, or say my reasons for living are THE reason, but standing here I can say with my whole heart, that one sunray is worth watching, so as long as the sun comes out, you have another chance to bask on it too
There is this feeling I've been getting once every 4 months or so for around 10 years already. The best I could describe it is that it's a feeling of being extremely uncomfortable with existing. It's like feeling actual pain from existing, but in the entire brain. It happens so suddenly at random times. I remember when I first experienced it at 8 years old, I told my mom about it - about how it hurts and how weird it feels. When it happens, I have this extremely strong desire and extremely strong urge to not exist. I don't mean dying, but literally- to not exist. I suddenly become very aware of my existence.
EDIT: I just remembered my mom told me that once when I was around 6 years old, I was walking joyfully down a corridor but, all of a sudden, I stopped and stared at nothing for like a minute. So maybe that's when I really started experiencing this.
Atomization that is inherent to our current system leads to loneliness and helplessness; despite diverse expression, we all feel it, and existence is not the problem here. We desire non-existence only when existence becomes unbearable, and as someone who cured my depression, I can guarantee existence is NOT unbearable by itself
Ive been trying to explain this feeling to people for years and can never get it out correctly. But this is really close. Its almost something clicks in my brain where i all of the sudden fully realize that it makes zero sense for me or anything to exist or even just feel or experience anything at all. And there is no way to explain it. And then my brain kinda just goes "woah"
@@Seekstae funny that you preach that despite, allegedly, still being broken. How's the belief in your "God" going for ya then?
@@SeekstaeYes, but you can't claim and preach that faith will heal others if you still feel the same way as the supposed "Heathens" you're trying to convert, do.
@@Seekstae Google
When my therapist asked if I was experiencing suicidal ideation, I told him it was more like a desire to not exist.
I guess I don’t wish I was dead. I just wish I was never born.
i had a similar experience, where i told her that i wouldn’t kill myself, but i would rather not have been born
I was immediately sent to a mental hospital (closed ward) after I was honest once to my therapist. I never go again bruh.
bible?
@@anon3631hi
I wanna go but dont know how yet. Like I dont wanna wake up and live with the consequences. And still cannot find the least painful way to go
I was 10 years old when i am having this kind of existential crisis, feels like we just popped up in this life and you can't remember clearly your childhood days, it sums up perfectly, the 3rd person, like you feel you are watching your life, you got lost in life, tragedy/traumatic experience in early days of your life, suicide shit in the bridge goddamn, i understand better now why tf i become so suicidal all of the sudden after the traumatic experience, it was because of the distant connection with my parents and me being physically sensitive, i am 100% relate to the main character of the monster, i came to the point of my life ( my early teen-age ) where i don't feel any kins of emotions and i identified myself as monster too ( like being useless, hated, unwanted ) i am even carrying a knife at my backpack during my grade schools because of the fear someone might bully me again ( which also adds up my trauma ) goddamn, i cried and finished the video, thank you so much for this man and of course to myself and to the RUclips algorithm, sooner i want to make videos like this, because as you are, that can be therapeutic hobby for me and i want to help someone who is suffering as me, i just finished watching video about Nietzsche ( title : the hated philosopher ) then i stumbled uppm this at the recommendation
I believe that when it comes to suicide, you can only ever answer the question "Why" with theories. You can analyze behavior all day long, but you'll only ever have a theory. You can never actually know the truth, because the only person who can tell you can't tell you anymore. My dad committed suicide when I was young, and I told my cousin that whole theory, and my cousin responded with something he clearly thought was the truth. I just told him, "That's a good theory." He refused to believe that his supposition was only a theory, and that he had the definitive answer. You can never know why. You can never get closure with the truth. You can never ask for the truth. You can only accept that a person that was there now isn't.
This sounds profound but like it’s pretty easy to answer the question of why someone offed themselves like it’s not that hard maybe they were bullied depressed grief etc it’s rlly not that hard
@@Frankdurlinor a brain tumour, reaction to medication. I dont think we actually know why we do what we do, let alone anyone else. We can hypothesise, at best.
Nothing is EVER really known.
We can work in probabilities and nothing more.
Even some of the most convincing science turns out to be insufficient.
This doesn't mean that there's no reason for philosophy and trying to understand things.
But eventually, you realize that all things we think we know are only ever partial truths, and paradoxically, that includes this statement itself.
I still find the journey worth pursuing, even if it ends in an incomplete tragedy
@@lukedegraaf1186 we can?? Like where are yall getting this from explain to me why don’t actually know why we do what we do
@@MattAngiono it is tho 😔
I’m autistic, I don’t feel emotions, especially strong ones, very well. The lack of purpose and simple desire to have never been born is something i’ve felt very frequently in the past and this video really resonated with me and did the topic justice. As i’ve aged i’ve gotten better at coping with reality and existence and things are better now. I could never kill myself but in the state of mind I had entered i was completely capable of understanding how someone could. Thank you for this
additionally, major respect for the rejection of the sponsorship, if I wasn’t a broke college student I would support your patreon as you have displayed strong moral character.
Quick question, what are you in charge of?
Another way of stating this: do you have any unnecessary responsibilities? Have you accepted a duty of any kind which you haven't been forced to accept?
When you voluntarily pick up hobbies, when you care about responsibilities you have accepted for little to no reason, that's when you start remembering that your own perspective is perhaps the least important. That's what meaning in life is, and that's what brings contentment.
@@SeanWinters I am also an autistic person who experiences a lack of strong emotions. I have a lot of hobbies (fibre arts, novel writing, guitar, mandolin, running), however they don't imbue me with purpose the way I imagine they would for a neurotypical person. They're really just the things I'm doing to fill time before I one day cease to exist.
Writing in particular is something that I feel very dutifully about, I have experienced a lot of horrible things in life that I can turn into words that might help someone one day and are therefore my responsibility to share. But it doesn't make any underlying apathy about life go away. I'm not sure if that's specific to autistic people or not but my friends who are also autistic/adhd have also expressed similar feelings. I think there may be something in the way our brains are wired that allows for the ability to conceptualise non-existance or to realise that in the grand scheme of things we as individuals are ultimately inconsequential in a way neurotypicals don't normally understand.
Yeah me too sometimes for me my strong emotions can switch on and off, like my mood it can go from the highest of highs to the lowest lows
Its funny Im an autistic person whos had trouble feeling everything too strongly yet through mental illness I've still ended up in that same headspace
This has been my experience as well and I realized a large part of what made me feel worse was how others who couldn't understand would constantly try to invalidate my feelings because I wasn't strongly expressing them. It took me a while to realize I was okay simply existing and to no longer care if others think I'm doing so in the incorrect way. I still try to attempt to connect with others but it feels like there is a barrier that always keeps me disconnected from others on a deeper level. I also still face frequent states of depersonalization at my best and worst of times that make me question the point of being. I can honestly say if it weren't for my sister and father being able to relate with all of my pain in the same manner I wouldn't have been able to keep going. It hurts at times and I feel alone but at other times I remember how lucky I am to have anyone who I can connect with when so many have no one and I guess that's enough for me to have the hope that things will be better tomorrow
There's an very specific fear about suicide that almost nobody takes in consideration: THE DOUBT. If you're totally convinced that you'll still exist in some form of your conscience after leaving the body, not knowing what's on the other side is a very insidious fear...What if I'll be dragged against my will and power to another plan of existence even worse than this world? What if there's some evil governance behind the visible and I'll be abused and punished just for doing my thing and desobeing? What if you become some sort of fucking ghost, as a punishment? Doubt is very crushing
this is the only thing keeping me alive
Lets be real most people fear going to hell you didn't want to name it so i did.
@@PandoraActor041 wdym, we are already living in hell
@csapka some people are really happy in this life.
@PandoraActor041 Good for them. Btw I don't see how this has anything to do with what I said
(ps: Glory to Nazarick!)
Having a chronic illness, even one as manageable as Diabetes, the desire comes from a huge amount of frustration against yourself, the world, the food, the medication and more.
Imagining being able to eat something without a worry or concern for bolus or medications, or feeling alright even without having to eat every 2 hours...then it comes into "I wish it wasn't here". "I wish I wasn't here".
Its a fast step into the desire of things not existing, out of overwhelming feeling of what can or cannot be controlled.
I always felt when, I desire to not exist here, it is my search to recover control into a world that is over complex, unable to be tamed or changed by sheer force of work from my own. Then you realize its ok to be unable to control life, or people, or all of your health...specially on an ill day with diabetes where you to into high spikes or you messed your insulin and get lows.
Desire of non-existence is really desire for a real control in our lives, probably. Maybe. I don't know.
Can relate with some of what you are saying. I am not ever going to be okay though with being disabled.
That is ultimately one of the biggest struggles: That longing for some sense of control in a reality that denies us so little of it. And in circumstances of "letting go," whether in seeking comfort or in actually dying, control is traded for some semblance of peace. Having control of any sort is the bargaining chip for any scrap of peace of mind, and even if that control has already been "sold," the act itself of relinquishing that control can sometimes bring peace in the form of freedom.
I discovered your channel because of the video of not wanting to exist and now i revisit it because of not wanting to be born
Lol
Same
Same thing, no?
What's a productive sleep schedule?
I've never heard of such a thing before in my life?
"All you can offer is your friendship"
And yet, even then, sometimes it's not enough. A close friend of mine took his life near the end of 2019. He was loved. He had friends that loved him, family that loved him. And yet, maybe it was because he couldn't feel that love, maybe because fear of his circumstances (he was going through some stuff I won't get into) he felt it wasn't worth it to go on.
The hardest thing to struggle with, what I am still struggling with, is knowing that I offered the best I could, but it still happened.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life” It is hard, very hard to struggle with the thoughts of not doing enough, or doing something wrong. It is difficult to not let those thoughts consume you. The most bitter pill to swallow is that we can not change the past, we can only hope the lessons we learn from it can help us do better in the days still to come.
“Hated by life itself” is a song that I reflect on when I have moments like this.
I love that song because it first sounds like a s*c*de note but seems more about the accepting our lives and how we live them.
Such a good song
To clarify a bit: suicidal ideation is different from suicide. If my description of suicide disagrees with your personal experience, this might be why…
Joiner’s point is that there are psychological differences between those who succeed in dying and those who attempt and fail, and of course, even those who only have suicidal thoughts. Joiner has a lot of evidence to support these claims in his book.
I’ve suffered from suicidal ideation before but I’ve never been suicidal. If I had expressed my thoughts to a therapist I wouldn’t be hospitalized against my will, but how to explain this? I believe Joiner’s book does a great job detailing why certain people are at higher risk for dying from suicide than others. I think the way he explains it in terms of psychology is brilliant.
I understand I could have done a better job explaining such an important distinction.
Do or don't, you will regret both.
@@stalinsbutterfly Regret are for the living.
Yes it's actually very easy to commit suicide, the only thing easier being considering it. It really does take a significantly different state of mind to carry out such a painful thing compared to dealing with depression. They're both truly dark and difficult but different in a subtler way.
"While the desire for suicide is necessary, it alone will not result in death by suicide. Rather, Joiner asserts that one must also have acquired capability (that is, the acquired ability) to overcome one's natural fear of death."
I think it's important to be aware that it's not easy, per se, there are a lot of people who have had to suffer the consequences of nearly every method available to show that, even methods a lot of people think are nearly fail safe.
I thought there was some really interesting discussion and media reference here, I do wish the conclusion wasn't so blunt and off-putting, though.
I hope making this was helpful for you as someone who lost someone to suicide, I can relate to that and it's one of the worst things I've experienced, but I also feel like you're making a statement of fact about something much more nuanced than that and may cause people to abandon your content as a result. I've found some of your other content very interesting do I hope you sick with it, but I definitely hope the feedback throughout the comments helps you avoid that sort of conclusion in the future.
Not all suicidal people; not all people with suicidal ideation; not all depressed people; there is significant error and bias present in the research you cited, but you did not address any of it in this video. Suffice to say the incidence of undiagnosed mental illness in this country is an epidemic, especially among men. The people contributing to the ideas of "what do suicidal people think" are also disproportionately sourced from people who, in fact, did not kill themselves.
"it's already too late" not when we're talking about potentially decades of suffering ahead
I feel like "it's already too late" references the past events that occured to have made people feel suicidal, or feel the way that they do, rather than referencing the future suffering that will occur. The future holds many things, aswell as suffering, but suicide can never undo the core of what created the urges to begin with
The day I was born was the worst day of my life. When I'm with others, I am alone, and there is no me there.
I get the feeling
I’m so sorry
You probably don’t want or care for my pity, but I’m sincerely sorry you feel that way. Hope it gets better soon.
Find people you can be yourself with
@@diamondmemer9754 If you're homeless, just b7y a house
"Stupid" "Asshole" "Selfish" "Ungrateful" "Dumb" "Evil" "Malevolent" "Pitiful"...
Out of all the things that you said, "Selfless" was what struck me the most. The word kinda beamed inside of me. It was what made me cry.
I've never experienced the featherweight feeling of being seen. Thank you so much.
Edit: Reading this again... This was really melodramatic hahaha
It's ok
:)
I actually started crying during this video. Thank you for making this. I think it might have changed my life
Good on you not accepting a sponsorship from Better Help. Doing that alone gets so much respect from me. There's even bigger channels who claim to care about mental health and still take their sponsorship.
Exactly. He's a real one for that
"Silence productive sleep schedule, half-hour long video essay on the loathing of life is talking."
sometime ago I told a friend that my only true wish, was for total oblivion, to simple close my eyes and stop existing. I can't say with total conviction, that I have had a bad life, nor that I don't feel love, but all I can say for sure, and have been saying for the better part of my adult life now, is that if I were to die today, I'd die a happy and satisfied life.
When I was a child, a freak incident put me really close to death, but a cranial surgery brought me back. I was only a kid, who didn't know any better, and for a brief moment, stopped being alive. From that point on, every happy or unhappy moment in my life comes with this perspective, I could've just stopped existing way before this happened.
The first quote of this video, really shocked me. I felt the words as their meaning made a fundamental sense into my being 'it is already too late'. It is true, all those things that happened are already gone, it's in my past now.
I can't say where this new meaning will bring me, or change me, but I'll probably never forget it, as I think about death, my death, every day. I still believe, that my time will come, hopefully soon, something happening to me, and I'll be able to stop existing, and feel unbelievable peace, as I pass away once again. I am incredibly thankful for you making this video.
Hey is it okay if I use these lines for a short film that I’m making?
In a personal note, what you’re saying feels like a phase that I had when I was younger. The feeling of nonexistence. Questions like why do I exist? What is my propose here? Type stuff. I recommend to seriously see a therapist. If that fails that I wish you luck in finding a new way to exist.
P.S
Try hedonism btw. It’s a little dangerous if excessive with it.
@@channingbloom7125 hey, no problem, thanks for letting me know. what kind of film are you making?
@@kesler4982
A film that’s “kind of” exploring what you already talked about. Thanks again for meeting me use your lines. I’ll make sure to give you credit for it.
I sorta feel similar
15:48 Yeah. The desperate need to feel like you belong somewhere. Being bullied or ignored just intensifies the negative. Lifelong depression opens your eyes to more than one would want but if you get through to a more stable life, your empathy and understanding will be your greatest strength.
This was certianly hard to watch for me. One of my closest friends died by suicide 2 days ago and the stuff said in this video make me hurt even more. All I can hope for is that wherever he is, I just hope that he is happy and at peace.
im sorry for your loss. sometimes its hard to realize how much people really care, speaking from experience. you're awesome for trying to help make his life better by being his friend. even when you dont know what theyre going through, i promise you made it a bit easier. i know you helped him live longer.
he was a great friend, im sure. from my experience, if you are too kind you begin to think so much less of yourself, and you begin to wonder if you matter. but everyone does. just a few under everyone has made a significant difference, a great one.
thank you for being there for him
and yes, i know for a fact he is at peace. whether there is or isnt an afterlife - you know he is.
It's not about wanting to die. It's about wanting to escape pain. Imagine being in a burning building on the tenth floor. Do you let the flames continue to burn you, or do you leap out the window? In choosing to live, you have to endure the pain. You have to regrow the skin, suffer a long painfull healing process until it is thick enough to witstand the coarseness of life. It will inevitably leave you scarred and deformed. And then, only then can you bear to see your existence through others which would you choose?
I. AM.. ATOMIC.
i saw that jump vs. burn analogy, could you point me to that video again? it was brief but well produced and the guy had a strange way about him but that quote has never left my mind, choosing the slightly lesser of two horrible ends
To be honest I still don’t understand how life can be so painful that you can’t go on living from an emotional perspective. I feel like the root of being suicidal is fundamentally emotional, so it’s hard for me to draw parallels with “physical” examples such as a burning building.
My experience with suicidal thoughts was different from what you described in the video. I know people care for me, I know I am loved. I know I’m selfish for wanting to die, but I just want the hurt to stop, you know?
You're not selfish and while i can't know specifically how you feel as i am not you i do overall understand what you mean.
You put into words some of the stuff I've felt and know your comment is appreciated and seen. I hope that the hurt will stop or be drastically reduced for you. I don't think or know if it will lessen or stop for me, but I do want that for you.
See I think we are selfish, or at least I am for trying it. But I don't think anyone can blame us for that. The depths of emotional torture we've been subject too would push most people to the same conclusion - its in the end *almost rational. The problem is in ignoring the very real version of you that wants to exist. Do we owe it to them to try to get better? Maybe, I don't really know- But I think I might owe them another day just to figure it out.
I feel so unhappy to be born to have to deal with shit. But i cant talk about this to my close ones. Because i literaly have a normal and functional family. I am at uni and desperate to find a job that i will likely work till my last breath or not working at all and face criticism from family.But the problem is i dont feel the joy in any career occupation anymore. I did all jobs from sales to developers. And the fire in me just suddenly vanished now. No directions no nothing. What should i do
Sometimes it's the pain, and as I've gotten older sometimes it's purely from just being tired. I get tired of life, tired of everything and would rather just not exist.
Ive never fully understand the guilting of suicidal people. I was guilted in this way multiple times but it hasn’t given me more reason to live, in fact, it’s given me more reason to hate. Hate the world or hate myself or hate people or hate the breath that burns my lungs with pleasure. I struggle with truly respecting or understanding people. Sometimes i wonder if I’m truly a human and my label is just that. A label. Like having a label of a cereal on a container of rice. I get hatred and annoyance when I explain the faults that brought me into the world or when I tell my family that I don’t understand people and yet I’m forced to be one. I get reprimanded for not respecting life or respecting humanity but how am I expected, perhaps even demanded to respect people that would never want to consider respecting someone like me.
As you said, the wish to merely no longer exist can be a product of the lack of connection - the feeling of not just being worthy of love, but also the feeling that you may never be.
What's most painful is trying, and failing, again and again, to the point you think you'll never be good at something, being proven time and time again that your efforts, your time, your love, your BEING hasn't amounted to anything, and it never will. What hurts is trying to make those connections, time and time again, and being left with nothing, time and time again.
Everyone thinks introverts are the only victims of this pain. No one thinks about the ones who desperately try. It's not about extroversion, it's about loneliness. We want to be wanted too.
"They always seemed so happy, so friendly. I didn't know what they were going through."
Thank you for putting this into words,
And if i can add,
It also hurts when you try to explain it to someone, explain how you've consistently experienced this your entire life to someone, and yet they turn to you and have the gaul to tell you to "stop painting everyone with the same brush"
As if what you said went in one ear and out the other. As if it's you generalizing everyone, and you dont actually try.
As if people aren't consistently painting themselves with the same brush over and over, time and time again with little to no variantion. As if it is you inflicting consistent rejection upon yourself and not the ones whom you've tried to form connections with rejecting you and your existence everytime
@@daedaluswriting9350 yeah and so many of "you will find somebody one day" with little variation
the thing for me is the opposite, it took me so long to actually feel my existence. when I was a kid I had so many problems with no explanation, it took me 19 years to realize the reason behind all of those was I didn't know how to exist.
Their solution for me was just to change myself, and I did that for a long time. I changed so much that if I met my past self, I couldn't recognize myself anymore.
right now the only thing I want to do is to find who I actually am, for me, it's hard to exist, it's like I'm ashamed to exist as the one I am. I tried to be someone else so I could feel what they felt, but I was unable to do that. so there were two choices for. I chose to just simply exist, be shameless and open my eyes every new day without looking for a higher purpose or anything that i can't understand. i don't need those to live, i just need to move forward. that's it. i'm a simple person with simple desires. the moment i realized that, even seeing trees were enough to feel loved.
I'm so glad that your channel's back! Your content is leading me through the hardest points in my life. I've been dealing with war-related PTSD, but your interpretation of such visceral and abstract feelings gave me vital insight into analyzing ones emotional self. Your content has taught me essential tools in metacognition and introspection, without which I doubt that I'd be here to write this comment.
I'm really glad that you've managed to get your channel back, Just wanted to say that the impact you've had on my life, and I'm certain on many others as well, is cathartic and quite literally life-saving.
From the bottom of my heart,
Thank You.
Finally! Ive never opened a notification faster in my life
I didn't even consciously read it. I just clicked out of pure instinct.
I've watched Monster a couple times over the years. Great series. Always nice to see people talk about it. And tying it into a feeling I've often felt was a nice touch. Excellent video.
Monster is goated af 💯💯💯
Martins line always gets me
I was born into a relatively poor family, where we live paycheck to paycheck. Neither of my parents are well-educated or have well-paying jobs, and they didn’t raise me in a way that set me up for success. I feel like I could have achieved so much more if I had been born into someone else’s family and raised in the right environment. I love my parents, but life feels so unfair sometimes. It breaks me to even feel this way.
That's why I did rather have an abortion than bring my kid on earth for them to feel this pain... I feel them never existing is better than them being miserable and feeling life is a pain.
I've been wishing that I've never been born ever since I was 15. I'm 29 now, and that wish grows stronger every year. I was forced into existence by two selfish people who had no right to be parents. My father is angry, massive narcissist and my mom is weak willed woman who put up with his crap and made us do it too. Truth is, I feel so much resentment towards them.
and both of them were just forcibly put in this world by 4 equally selfish individuals the same way
I don’t think I’ve ever been actively suicidal but growing up and a large portion of my adulthood I sure did wish I had never been born or that I could just simply not exist anymore. It is kind of a relief to see I wasn’t alone in that.
Finally got around to finishing this video, and it was so cathartic and incredibly well crafted.
What's more, the mention of “No longer human” comes at the most perfect time.
My disconnection from human beings has always been very apparent to me, and the fact that I could never feel fully represented by any media (contrary to my peers) further proved my point. Or at least, until “No longer human” found its way to me. Word by word, Osamu Dazai's vision of the world and self,
reflected my own so gently and purely, that he humanized us both, in the process. I guess that was enough to ground me and bring my suicidal thoughts to their usual passive self.
It honestly took me years to finish. Every few lines would send me into a tailspin, or my mind would make frantic efforts to keep me away from it, hiding it or making me forget about it. It's still one of my most precious possessions, and whenever my loved ones describe the desire to see my mind and experience of the world, I find myself redirecting them to this beautiful book. I've heard people horrified by the story and its main character Yozo, claiming him to truly be unworthy of being a human being; and I say they are the ones lacking humanity if that's all they have to say about such a raw and humanistic piece of art.
It's not a sign of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society.
Osamu Dazai, Monster and the trouvle with being born in the same video??? Im so unbelievably hapoy tight now.
What a beautiful video man. Seriously, well done.
S+ tier, I don’t really watch tv at all anymore because of stuff like this.
saw this was posted and instantly clicked, i just know i'm in for a painful, relatable video
finished the video, i love just how it was produced, and i feel myself relating to a lot of what was said, but i feel as though my feeling of not wanting to exist is different from being born or wanting to die. i just don't want to be HERE. i want to just observe as everything passes by, i want to be what i feel is free
Extinctionism Movement 👀
"we are actively building ourselves in response to the void" damn, great quote
I actually don't understand what's so difficult to imagine not existing, or what's so scary or unknown about death. If you've experienced a persistent state of numbness and apathy - to the point where you sit there for hours barely even thinking at all - then you know what "nothing" feels like.
The intensity of my loneliness and my desire and ache for love are all-consuming
I know that I’ve experienced the yearning for non-existence. Though I know there is no way for what has been done to be undone.
Even if my existence were erased there is now an absence where I used to be.
Most of my suicidal thoughts are out of frustration and anxiety of having to live. People live for such a short amount of time but when I am faced with the years of potential life I feel the process weigh on me. Living is an exhausting process but like exercise it is worth doing for your own sake.
Though recently I’ve found that I feel unworthy of life. In order to be better you need to want to be better and sometimes I can’t bring myself to want that. I deny myself the right to take up time and space to exist in whatever way. Though I almost feel as if my worth has been compromised. Not by myself but by the world around me. I don’t want to exist in a world that hates me and despite all the evidence that it doesn’t I still feel the sharp edges cutting into me.
Certain people do not want me to exist and it’s for things I cannot control. My gender, sexuality, race, neurodivergence. It does not fit into whatever prepackaged thing that those people subscribe to. And it’s not just that those people exist with such bigotry but that a lot of them make it their life’s work to be weird about it. Some people go into certain careers with the intention of using violence against people like me and the people I love. They make it harder to live knowing that the way our society is built tells me that I’m not worth the time or the space to simply be and how I’ve internalized it and sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the idea of becoming another static that people will use against more people like me.
I go through this process of rage and then depression and then exhaustion with life.
If there’s any concern I’m currently doing pretty alright. Trying to like actually think about how to survive in this modern dystopia as someone that would implode if put into certain environments. At this point I do not wish for happiness I just want to be content. My existence is bearable for the time being until it is not bearable due to uncontrollable or controllable conditions.
TL;DR
Bro living is kinda ass
Still gonna do it tho
You declining the better help sponsor was the best thing for my mental health today. Thank you. Awesome video.
i decided to not kms, and came to terms with the fact that passive suicidality is gonna be a part of me (it has been for as long as i can remember). “It’s too late now” is the best way to describe it lol
I agree with most of the video except the parts where you insist suicidal people don't really want to die. That's simply not true. Most of us truly do want to die, it's our families who want us to live.
exactly, it is our love for people who wish to keep us suffering that keeps us from fulfilling our desires
Do you know why you want to die
this showed up on my recommended feed at very strange time as this is one of those days where it gets really really hard and the desire to not being born is at its all time high. it was really eyeopening when you said the desire to be loved is what makes people want to go on living, and i agree, and while i have friends and other people i care about and they care about me too, the fact that my parents never does seem to still does lasting damage to me, even tho im nearing 30 and i havent seen them in 6 yrs. job hunting has been really rough, and to see how the people who brought me into this world cares nothing about how im doing or even tries to help me, living the best of their live, going on month long trips abroad while im here thinking about not existing and wondering how im wont survive until the end of the year broke me again these couple of days. if the person who brought you into this world never even wanted you to be here, why are you even here??? tenma is my favorite character from monster but i greatly sympathize with johan...
I don't wish to never been born. I just wish I was a cat. Roaming around, eating here and there without a care in the world. 😢
that’s called being homeless…
@@SlenderGray59 Homeless or not, humans are still too much in their own heads. Cats on the other hand are Zen Masters.
@@SlenderGray59no it’s not lmfao???
But then you might get eaten by people in China for mukbang TikTok videos or the Haitian immigrants that trump doesn’t like 😘.
@@kunpunko fr, I've seen people (not all people but lots) be kind to cats for being themselves or existing. Meanwhile I've seen people (not all people but still some) be mean towards homeless people and go as far as destroying their food and belongings.
Never realized others felt this way... My wife has acted like it's crazy for me to wish I wasn't born, but seems to be fairly common sadly.
She probably feels sh*t on. Your wife isn't good enough for you to desire life? Talk about slapping her in the face. Ouch.
i never wanted to exist. i recently found a note from when I was literally SIX YEARS OLD about how I’d be better off dead. but I’ve just got to keep going. not like I really have a choice.
so I just spend it trying to spread positivity, because even if I’m gotten just as everything else will be, I at least did something.
TW suicide.
I think about wanting to die every single day since i was little and at some point in my misery i asked “well why?” I’m here with a collective heart (and some therapy sessions up my sleeve) analyzing my attempts and it was really a pure sense of hopelessness and physical pain that was felt from the tip of your toes to the top of you head. Every single part of your body feels off and you want to get yourself out of there. And death sounds like a pain killer. It is the most tunnel vision experience and you don’t even realize you are at the verge of death until the very last second. Your brain is echoing the same thing over and over and over not even you can interrupt it. And you genuinely feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when you’re like “fine I’ll just die” because you can. And you are. That’s the truth. “Nothing matters we are all gonna die”. I only got out by fantasying of my death (while waiting to die after to attempt) and how my absence would look like and then I thought of the people in that distant future and I calmed down. it was only after I fail I was about to think. I still feel myself at the side of death everyday but maybe that’s because I was born haha. It’s weird to think about not having depression because that’s literally all I know. It’s weird to think about not existing because that’s all I’ve been. But it’s weird we get to think in the first place so. Nothing matters we’re all gonna die. I finds peace in constants. At some point that was my death because no matter what I do I’ll be dead eventually. But now it’s curiosity. If something else in this life is true it’s that you’ll never know everything. So now I want to know everything because I won’t be done even when I’m dead. I’m saying this because I genuinely genuinely believed it was normal to want to die until I was told other wise. I imagine it’s the same on the other side of the coin. Anyway I hope people talk about this more because life’s answers are in the minds of the mentally ill but people are too proud …check on your loved ones and tell them you love them fr. The thought of you can save people too (I’m proof)
Suicide is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed
My wish to never have been born is very interesting. People who force you into the world and then expect you to act as if you wanted to wake up everyday struggling for survival.
Nobody is forcing you to struggle. Take it or not, but it's not a lie that you can just enjoy your life. Don't say things like money or family issues, looks... the only excuse could be severe disability, and even then, there's examples of those making the most of it. Youre not forcing yourself to struggle, and the feeling of pain you have is valid, and so too is it valid to not change anything, but it's possible.
Atleast, that's my opinion.
@@NoNo-lt7tg I wish I could’ve gone more into detail if I cared, but I was tired at the time of writing that comment. Thank you for being so respectful in your comment and you’re right you only struggle if you think or believe you are. I don’t struggle at all! I just wish I was never born honestly. Have a good day!
@@NoNo-lt7tg dumb kids in gaza just need to toughen up!
I got chills at the end. This really is an eye opener. Fantasy keeps the world going. And not wanting to exist is different than being suicidal. Amazing explanation and references.
This is easily the best analysis of Monster I've seen! Makes the story of Johan much darker!
Sometimes you just want the pain to end.
What a beautifully written piece of art. I am privileged to deeply know every reference you make, it's as if this was written by and for myself. What a comfort it is to know that someone else thinks and feels so similar to me.
I’m a 36-year-old man who feels like my best days are behind me, and have always held a resentment toward my parents for bringing me into this world that I never asked to be a part of. Some days it takes all the energy I can muster just to get up and live another day. I’ve already decided that I will live long enough to see my mother pass and then I will check out as soon as she’s gone. I can’t inflict the pain of my loss on her, so for now I will go through the motions.
I feel the same... the only reason I still live is because I don't want to hurt some people badly, because I know they will be broken...
i understand you
It's gonna be harder when my grandmother passes, and I don't even want to think about existing in a world in which my best friend and love of my life no longer exists. The day they are both gone, I'm either already dead or I might soon follow, anyways. My cat's life is far more finite, but I'll be happy for her if she can outlive me comfortably.
I know this doesn’t address all your comments but there has been studies on terminally ill elders about when they felt the most comfortable/happy/and confident during their lives, and the most common answer was when they were 40-50 years old. After they were comfortably in their careers and after dealing with the highs and lows of youth. I don’t think your best days are behind you, I just think that’s what media and society defines as the best times of everyone’s lives (18-25) is over. But a lot of that is just the sensationalization of youth. I do the same thing, where I constantly romanticize my 20s and constantly fill with guilty nostalgia and anxiety that I can never return to those years. But I think there is some merit to relying on the studies, and holding in for later parts of our lives. I want to see for myself why being 40 was better than 20, and if you can, I think you should think about that and challenge yourself too. But I do understand the struggle, and how exhaustion permeates your being. I wish you the best, truly. And I get what you mean about not wanting to burdening your mom with your death. I do the same for my uncle.
I am only 17, but I can't help but relate a little too much
It's... weird... the only times I can escape this feeling is when I'm so deep into a roleplay (DND but also freeform ones) I lose myself and see myself as the character I'm playing rather than the me playing them. I feel a purpose when I pretend to be not me. A hero of hope, a harem protagonist, a brooding vigilante, a quirky well-meaning kleptomaniac, a dramatic tragic villain. When I'm these, I don't feel it. I don't feel that passive ideation.
I've been battling depression for most of my life. This is all articulating something I have not been able to. Thank you for talking about this. Truly, thank you. The way you describe this just shattered me and the tie in with anime resonated. I'm grateful you just walked me through my thoughts.
Stayed up for this and you posted it the day after
*starts playing the tinest violin in the world
Boo hoo get over it
I have been feeling this way since forever. I'm currently 17. I'm only here now because my 10 year-old self decided to give me a second chance. I wish i was dead. I exist through every passing moment hoping that i would just disappear. There isn't a single day where this thought fail to cross my mind. My desire towards materialistic things never lasts long before i'm questioned with the uncertainty of "why?" I don't want to do, feel, or have anything, because what's the point? There's no meaning. I can live my life simply if i let go of the search for meaning and accept reality. But i genuinely can't. Because at the end of the day, all i want to do is disappear into nothingness.
I’m 17 too, we have barely experienced life yet. Say we live to 80, we haven’t even gone through a fourth of our lifespan yet, and typically we don’t get conscience till like 7-10 years of age, so we have been mentally around for even less.
Life has so much to offer, and the way we look upon the world impacts it immensely. I used to fear death to the point where it would push me to tears every night as I thought I wouldn’t wake up. I found my safety in my faith, the world is a complicated place, and the lens we use to look upon it changes everything
I believe in you. you are meant for greater things, we are all in this together💪🏼
8:48 bro looks so cozy im jealous 😭😭
Watching this and the "Desire not to Exist" back to back shows how much you have grown as a content creator and person. Keep it up.
'he was as tired of death, as he was of life'.. damn that hit hard..
As someone who was c sectioned, born blue, with the chord wrapped around my neck and later odd and died for 5 minutes we most certainly can conceptualize non existence. It’s bliss
You wouldn't remember any of that were it not for someone else telling you of it
Before you say I am wrong, know I went through this same experience upon my birth. Born dead from an umbilical cord strangulation and revived
@@chandlerdoeswhatifs9399 I don't think that was the point. The point is that they are romanticizing it because I desire non existence. They wish they never were revived. It's a difficult thing to be told - glass and salt in the wound for someone who wishes non existence.
@@valvihk3649A physical existing conception of non existence is not non-existence. You cannot conceptualize what is the antithesis of concept.
To experience a bliss, you have to experience things. Non existence is just like that time before you were born, and you know what was the most striking thing about it from your perspective? It happened in less than a millisecond. Meaning that for all intents and purposes, we can't not exist, because the period where we are dead is completely irrelevant for us. Once you die, trillions of years will pass in an instant, and you will just continue existing again.
“Its bliss,”you say wishfully
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, though I don't think I ever wanted to simply not exist or never be born. The closest feeling I've had was when I felt very depressed. wishing that nothing existed save for my bedroom- no door or windows, no outside world, no other people. I wouldn't grow old or hungry or thirsty, I could either sit and draw for as long as i wanted, then settle into bed and sleep soundly for thousands or even millions of years. Then I'd wake up and everything would be back to normal, and I'd fix myself breakfast.
There's a corner of the internet where the beauty of death is the subject matter, and the most profound works from them have "why die?" and "what are the effects?" at their center.
I just discovered this channel and I thought you quit, after seeing your upload history. I was very much delighted to have been graced with this upload. 🙏
real asf for not taking better help sponsorship and amazing vid, instant sub
i dont just want to "never have existed". i absolutely want to die. i want everything that entails. and having somebody tell me they know better than i do just solidifies this desire & the motivation i need to do so
i havent existed for billions of years before i was born, it has done me no harm. I cannot imagine it being diffrent for the billions of years to come after my time has passed.
quote by Mark Twain
@@rafhael636 thank you, i forgot where i have heard it first
I frequently find myself feeling this. Though as you so eloquently put, it's quite a nuanced and unclear feeling.
A previous video of yours, "The Desire to Not Exist" resonated greatly with me and also I felt echoed much of how I frequently feel.
Thank you for putting feelings like these to words one can ponder and understand.
Don't choose a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Thats something I heard recently and its one of a handful of things keeping me on the path to admitting myself to a mental hospital [not a psych ward, v different] and not just committing to permanence. I'm trying, and I'm arranging to be admitted by January. I'm lucky to have people who support me as well, but this phrase has really stuck to me. This existence is so scary and so overhwelming, but permanence and the impact I'll leave on the people that love me is scarier.
Cioran is one of my favorite writers and this was really good. Subscribed.
I feel no joy in my existence, i come back home ready to go, only to wake up the next morning...ohh Life!.
😢
Emil Cioran is one of my favorite wikipedia finds. This is the first time I've seen anyone discuss him. I was researching nihilism among other things and Emil's views caught my eye because I aligned with his views very closely.
I will explore Joiner and that book, as a depressed person the way you explained that S people conquer their primal fear of death by going through it in their head over and over really makes sense to me. It now makes sense to me how regular people are always so dumbfounded that anyone would want to do such a thing.
To think that people used to, and still say, that anime is just cartoons yet in nearly all philosophical videos you can find examples of anime that explores these serious, complex topics.
I just realized I watched your other video from 2 years ago.