being in a state of constant brain fog and not really being able to conceptualize life and formulating thought have been such relatable reality for me as well
im still not properly diagnosed but im sure i am autistic and this past year has been fully of educating myself and understanding everything about me under the scope of autism while dealing with a heartbreak and its been all very eye opening and also very painful
As a teacher myself, it breaks my heart to hear how your teacher mistreated you. I could never imagine reacting that way...and I'm so sorry your mother cared more about saving face with the teachers than checking on you. I'm glad you have your partner's support now. My transgender son was recently diagnosed at 14 (although I've had a feeling since he was 3, but was told I was crazy). He definitely internalizes his meltdowns and I wish I could help him through it more. I tell him we're all a work in progress and never to be ashamed but he's a teenager who just wants to be "normal".
I very much relate to this. My whole upbringing and into my early adult years I was so incredibly disconnected and dissociated. I watched myself through a window most of my life, with periods of time feel more in my body but not being able to fully connect with it. Not fully understanding what was going on. I came to the realization after over a year of educating myself that I'm Autistic. Since then I've been navigating so much burnout and genuinely 30 years of bottled up emotions and meltdowns. It's super overwhelming but also incredibly liberating. I feel like I'm on the tail end of almost a year long period of burnout and feel so much more attune with my own body and emotions. Still have a lot of processing and unpacking to do, which will probably take years to do so, but I feel like I'm getting closer to manage life in a way that is more accommodating and less destructive. Always nice to hear from other Autistic folks and know you're not alone
That was my first thought, although the guilt and shame can be crippling. I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD like a month or two ago (at the game of 25) and its hard, it's so very hard.
100% agree, but it also might not be masking and more about staying in the camera frame/in focus. Depending on how close you are to the camera, movement will cause you to be cut off the frame. Being further from the camera helps minimize the issue because you have more room to move within the frame
"You're scaring me" "Well now you know how I feel" Like this is an expression of how I feel on the inside so if someone is afraid just by seeing it from the outside they should have the empathy to realise that it is 100 times that on the inside for the person melting down.
It's horrible when they're not even telling you but you KNOW they're scared of you. It's especially infuriating because they will NOT admit their feelings and put the whole burden and blame on you instead. It's straight up brutal and - and I weight my words there because my therapist specialised in autism was the first to say it - it's abusive. A type of abuse you can't even denounce without being gaslit even more. It's plain vicious man
They'll try to pass it off as you being a "vulnerable narc", just watch a bunch of grandiose antisocial narcs trying to justify their lack of empathy (And jealousy from you receiving "attention at their expense") by calling you histrionic or borderline... Watch those heartless weirdos do it, and try to convince everyone they're right. Because it's easier to not care, it's easier to not feel, for everyone really... but for them, it comes naturally.
I hate when people uses phrases like this when you are in a crisis because it’s essentially demanding you be emotionally available to them when you literally cannot. My mom always told me that I needed to think of other peoples feelings when I was in a crisis. I’m sorry mom but if I’m feeling su*cidal I don’t have the bandwidth to care for others emotionally.
Their feelings are valid too. It is what it is. There are good ways to express emotions and there is acting scary. You can't stop acting scary, you have to go isolate yourself until you are ready to come back to the social interaction. #accountability #responsibility
I intensely dislike the common practice of making someone feel bad for feeling bad, especially for meltdowns. It is extremely unfair and cruel. #FriendsAndFamily
I would have a meltdown and my family would just make it worse either saying I'm lazy or belittling me for being unable to concentrate and focus bc i would and still do say i don't know and would get yelled at for being honest bc i didn't know how to verbalize it due to my undiagnosed adhd and shame as well so Id just go nonverbal and just internalize it to where its so painful and deep; the last full meltdown I had my aunt just mocked me called me retarded and stupid said I was acting like a crazy person and she would bring up my dead mom and the stress I caused her which just shuts me down even more cause I would blame myself for all her problems
Masking is killing us. We need to be comfortable being ourselves amongst each other. Moving, stim, do what you need. You're doing us a favor when you do it! When you normalize it!
Growing up autistic in a house where I was emotionally neglected, and going to a school that didn’t treat me fairly, even though I was diagnosed at a young age, taught me that my emotions are the enemy. They’re something to be suppressed otherwise you’ll just get in trouble again. I don’t really remember my meltdowns, just that they seemed really stupid and pointless and that I wished I could control my emotions so that I didn’t get in trouble again. I guess it’s still like that even if I’m out of school.
Can relate. From the beginning of 2nd Grade until Graduation, I had an "Autism Support Aide" babysitting me in almost every class, whose sole purpose was to hover over me and prevent me from stimming. I was the Autistic kid to receive such an intrusive accommodation, and the aides and teachers kept yelling at me for trivial reasons (eg. showing any emotion other than happiness was "disrespectful"), and I was punished frequently and severely for stimming too much. By 3rd Grade I had the distinct feeling of being singled out for unfair treatment, and by 4th grade I was struggling not only with passive suicidal ideation (which the school district not only didn't take seriously, but also made me sign a document promising not to express such sentiments) but also with hating my own ability to feel emotions.
I'm so sorry you were abused like that. I hope that with time you will be able to foster some self-compassion and learn to relate to those tender parts of yourself with the love and care that you needed and deserved as a child.
@@strategicgamingwithaacorns2874 that is so so horrible, I'm so sorry you were abused like that. I hope you can feel compassion and love towards your childhood self who did what they needed to to survive that horrible environment. I hope you are in a safe environment now where you can be supported in healing your internal relationship with your own emotions, stim freely and express yourself. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you.
I’m dealing with internalize meltdowns alone on a daily basis. It’s very isolating, physically draining, and scary. I have always had to take care of myself since the age of 5. As someone who has been chronically unemployed the last 8 years and not able to have my basic needs met. My meltdowns looks like intense crying fits, severe rocking back and forth, mutism, increase chronic pain, intense dissociation with speaking repetitive thoughts that are severely self harmful.
I have similar feelings of dissociation and repeating thoughts. It's very scary and I haven't relaxed in a couple of weeks. I'm currently employed but taking time off work.
This sounds like me. When you say you had to take care of yourself since you were 5, how do you mean? This is what happened to me in a way as well. I was already bullied by then, but had a girl who protected me and we used to go away from everyone and just be the two of us . With her I could be my autistic self, and we even got pretend married. Then she died suddenly when I was 5, and I didn’t get any help to process it I remember thinking then that I was alone in the world now and could only rely on myself. So that’s what happened. From the age of 5 I didn’t even trust my family or feel I could rely on them, and it messed up my life from the start. Now, at 41, I just realized I’m autistic and have ADHD. Life has been nothing but an endless string of trauma.
Neurodivergent bf can read me almost instantly when something is going wrong. Hand holding, hugs, helping me escape the situation and retreat. He sits down with me and shares some cute cat videos. I can read him pretty well too. I’m so blessed.
Irene, maybe this'll help: an Autistic meltdown is ONLY when the nervous system is overstimulated and consequently, overwhelmed; and so it can't process ANY new information when in that state. It's not a temper-tantrum, it not a weakness in one's character. I understand. I'm Autistic too.
I don't really know if I ever had a meltdown, I probably did many times, I only remember moments of intense stress, disassociating from the world around me, feeling dizzy, but without ever making it visible in anyway to the world around me. Especially when I was younger as the oldest of 4, I always had this mentality of never wanting to be a burden to anyone, so I never had anyone I opened up to who could have interrogated those feelings. Nowadays living on my on I feel like I manage my stress and emotions well enough through enough alone time, exercise etc. But as I am writing this, I am realising it probably just means that I built up a greater capacity to seal those things away. So I am guessing if I am sealing those other things away, I probably sealing away what would be meltdowns as well, and I don't even how I could have external meltdowns, even if I didn't feel a taboo about expressing my deepest emotions like that in any public way.
Thank you so much for saying this. This resonates with me and my life so far. I always felt like an imposter since I didn't know how to explain my low aggression and demeanor when I am going through tough times and stressful dysregulating events. Now I realize its internal, to myself, hidden deep as I drift through the deepest parts of my head to escape from the busy and confusing world around me. Thanks for speaking out! \(^-^)/
Totally relate to this. I'm child #7, but my college psychology professor (who knew one of my siblings) said that I seemed more like an eldest and wondered if I could relate to that, and, actually, I do. I have felt "responsible" my whole life, and it occurs to me that I have a lot of resentment for my older siblings who are able to be irresponsible, badly behaved, and (importantly) freely emotionally expressive. I have had a few flaming meltdowns, and it's always terrifying, to myself as much as to my family members. I'm just now learning A LOT about myself. Cheers to us -both- ALL on our separate journeys. 🙏🕊
I was 52 when diagnosed. I wish it had been sooner as my marriage may have had a chance to survive. Life is messed up when diagnosed late in life. If my parents had known then my childhood would possibly have been less toxic. I was always considered "the trouble maker" "the bad one" "the unloveable one" hopefully things will become easier as you age ❤️
38 and trying to get a diagnosis. I hate how so many people act like if you made it this long suffering alone and hiding, then it should be fine to go on doing that forever. I'm so glad you know you have a community now and I'm sorry for all the pain that comes with late diagnosis.
I was diagnosed at 49, after my marriage fell apart and my whole life had gone to shit. I can relate to everything said above because it could be describing me. I'm sorry we (and many others) had to endure decades trying to function in neurotypical society with an unknown disability. That said, my diagnosis has been an incredibly liberating experience because now I know I'm not a slacker or a loser, just autistic. I hope everyone on the spectrum can get the information and validation that they need to live a full and satisfying life. ✊
Hey Irene. Thankyou for openly sharing about your expereince with meltdowns. I was just diagnosed with autism in July and also have adhd that I was diagnosed with last October. I'm also a late diagnosed woman as I am 39 yrs old. I can't tell you how validating this video has been for me. It couldn't have come at a better time actually as I have just moved house and I've had a number of internal and semi-external meltdowns the past week or so. Change in environment is a MASSIVE trigger for me as my whole world feels like it tips off its axis and unfortunately, I've had to move several times in the past 2 years due to moving interstate and renting. It's literally been a nightmare. 😪 Each time I have a meltdown (which is a lot in any given week as I have many triggers) I feel like I dissociate and lose myself over again to the point where I feel disconnected however I expereince HYPERsensitivity not HYPOsensitivity. I wish I felt nothing but I feel EVERYTHING and I want that to go away. How can I make the feelings numb and go away? I hold a lot of shame about my autism and not just because of my internalised meltdowns. I'm a grown woman with kids and I should have it all together, right? This week, I have to deferr my studies in psychology because of reasons that I can't easily describe, and it's killing me. It's deeply wounding me. I have learnt that I don't have the brain functionality for the university as I can't conceptualise what needs to be done and I don't know hpw to di statistics because I ha e dyscalculia and dyslexia.
@@thatmumwithautismDon't be too hard on yourself. Late diagnosis is a lot to process. I would know, I'm still doing it myself. And you've got a lot of your plate as a mom even without the frequent moves. Just breathe. I know hypersensitivity is not making anything easier, but you DON'T want to be numb. Just breathe. Make sure to take time for self care when you feel overwhelmed. Stim, scream if you are in a place where it's safe to do that and it helps, do whatever helps you take a little bit out of your bucket. Deterring your studies is not quitting, it's taking a break. It's only quitting if you never go back to it and right now you sound like you're juggling a lot of responsibilities and that all adds to your bucket. Just breathe. You don't know me, and I hope I'm not overstepping. You just seem like you're having a time and I wanted to let you know I read your comment, and I care. And I'm rooting for you.
@kingrix Thank you. It means a lot to me that you've replied to my comment. I feel like I'm a failure right now, and I'm not sure what to do. I constantly keep saying to my husband that I feel unsafe in my environment, but he doesn't know how to help. I feel like such a burden.
When I find myself spiralling down into the dark depths of a meltdown after an argument, I suddenly gained some kind of bird perspective, and remembered a sentence to say to yourself,As a way of self-soothing in your head when dark thoughts are spiralling you down. I could hear my own voice telling me very calmly and passionately: “but I do understand you, I do love you, and that is all that matters here, no one else matters, you are not alone, you have yourself, the most important person who loves you is yourself, right?” It really helped fast. I also self hug very strong. I have to admit, that I am not sure if I would have been able to do that before having a child, and having to learn to coregulate his emotions. You learn a lot as a parent… and I also learned soothing my inner child at this moment. Literally visualising comforting your upset hurt child self with a fluffy orange blanket or so. It works so well.
i remember i had a huge meltdown in front of my now ex boyfriend, which was provoked by an argument we were having. like a month after it he would say things like “yeah that was really traumatic for me” “that whole situation was…” and while i understand that it’s scary for others, he made it all about himself when it was me who was in a moment of crisis, not him. it was so unnecessary for him to say all of that, as if i could help what happened. that story always makes me feel a bit sick to my stomach lol.
I heard the word "derealisation" for the first time this month, and researched only yesterday on it. I've been describing this for years to doctors not one of them ever bothered telling me it is a disorder or acknowleged what I was telling. I can't express myself. I can't find words, any word. I know I used to be able to write and speak but now not only I can't, it physically hurts me. The headaches everytime I try to just THINK are so violent. I didn't think it could be linked to autism. Listening to this video I realise I never allowed any of my meltdowns to be external. No crying, kepping a straight face, even when alone, in case someone could hear or come. I am so disconnected of my body. And of the reality. I will now try to be aware of my needs and let them out. I have a meltdown every two weeks I won't be able to continue like that for long without consequences. But I don't know what an external meltdown will be like for me. (just writing this hurts my head so much) Thank you for sharing. This helped me a lot.
Uff. You want a virtual hug? The derealisation and the headaches both sound worrying and serious. Do you think you can keep on trying to find a doctor who listens to you?
@@nephistar thank you. I will take your message as the virtual hug. As for your question, I don't know. It's extremely hard for me to search for a new doctor, to make an appointement and then to try and explain. So far, not one of them knew or cared. I use so much energy to try I don't have enough to be ignored or gaslight again
@@someoneoutthere0h00 I feel that in my bones! It's so hard to keep trying when you're being dismissed again and again. 🥲 What you are describing makes me think of the freeze response. When your brain perceives a threat and decides to allocates all your energy to survival, so it turns off all the other functions. It makes everything so difficult, like your brain is working against you.
As a later diagnosed adult, I honestly don't know if I really had what would qualify as an external meltdown in childhood. I did cry and have some self harm behaviours, but it was never really super intense. That said, I have really bad perseveration where I mentally berate myself really intensely in times of stress. It's like my system gets hijacked. The hypo/hypersensitivity thing is something I still haven't figured out quite yet, too. I definitely don't have a wide emotional range. It's anxiety, depression, or empty neutrality/void/meh.
I relate to this a lot. I am diagnosed with type 1 asd, but I can’t remember a whole lot of external meltdowns, even as a kid. I do relate to periods of intense depersonalization, some hyposensitivity, and occasional desires to self-harm, as well as berating myself constantly. I haven’t had any horrible periods of depersonalization/derealization recently, but I struggle a lot with the harsh internal criticism.
same here there are a few times as a young kid where i can look back and ask myself if it was a meltdown or not. i’m on a self discovery journey and ik im fs neurodivergent but i’ve had a constant struggle between what i might be and this channel and this community has been very validating for me i hope anyone else who is confused or feels like an imposter can reach a sense of pride and validation in who they truly are ❤️❤️
I personally don't have aggressive meltdowns anymore but they were very bad in primary school. But for that I'm no longer able to feel real anger. The therapist said I wouldn't allow myself to feel that way because of fear of an aggressive meltdown. But I have internalized meltdowns sometimes with a lot of self hatret and only if I'm alone I sometimes experience external meltdowns with a lot of sadness or fear (a bit like a panic attack but because of sensory overload). The last external I had was actually while informing myself about autism. In the video was a mother who really cared about her autistic son and could really help him and my brain just wasn't able to handle with it because it was so different for me and I felt what I would have felt in the same situation and that was too much for my brain and it got into panic mode and I cried for a while.
@@thethoughtspot222 I am like almost always in a mode of shutdown and feel a bit as disconnected from my emotions and my environment as you have described. It's just too funny if your grandparents tell you that others have it worse because you don't have these aggressive meltdowns. What they don't know is what it costs. And that I still have meltdowns but only in a form they can't see. Even my parents don't know that because I fear their judgement. And also I have always been told that I just want to get attention while I just didn't want. That judgement really hurt me.
I remember a couple years ago I decided that I was gonna start dealing with those "anger issues" that I was always told that I have - this was really just meltdowns and reactive abuse that manifested as a lot of screaming and crying. I didn't realize that I was actually just suppressing my emotions until I was physically incapable of feeling anger. I'd feel the anger coming on because of something shitty that was said or done to me and then I'd go completely emotionally numb. It wasn't just anger too, all my other emotions just felt duller. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I had a breakdown a couple months into this numbness. Anywho, something that really helped me process what was happening and heal was the realization that anger was a secondary emotion. The anger was a result of a primary reaction that I was ignoring, usually hurt, fear, etc. Addressing those primary emotions as well as what, and who was causing them really helped me develop a healthier relationship with my anger. Edit: I'd just like to clarify that when I call anger a secondary emotion, I don't mean that it is less important than other emotions. I mean that it is usually a byproduct of something else.
@@simply_nebulous I did always think that I had anger issues and was in therapy because of that. A couple of years ago, my parents told me that I'm on the spectrum.
I also can't feel real anger anymore!! As a kid I expressed it a lot and was constantly punished for it. I got beaten down, over and over again, and eventually my body realized that anger was not a safe emotion to feel. So instead I just end up feeling sad or overwhelmed and focus the energy internally.
I wasn’t allowed to express any emotion as a child. I do remember I started rebelling as a teen by shouting at my parents, because I was finally too big for corporal punishment. I did have one colossal meltdown when I was 21, and visiting home from college, where I sank to the floor and pulled out several clumps of my own hair (both fists full). My shut down mother and brother kept delivering attacking with shame, calling me “dramatic”, when my dad rushed in to stop me. I’m so glad times have changed for us all. It’s finally safe for me to accept my needs and meltdowns as a 53 year old. Externalizing is key. It’s taken my lifetime to allow it. Thank you for this post. ❤❤❤❤❤
Oh my gosh. I was locked in a room by a teacher for similar reasons in elementary school and broke into a nonverbal meltdown. Is this something we all went through as autistic children?? This video was validating on so many levels. Thank you for everything that you do.
Yes!! I got locked in my room 2 stories up as a kid because of a "" tantrum"".... I'm not diagnosed but the levels of distress and bubbling frustration and discomfort I felt on a daily basis makes me think its not just neurotypical" oo I'm being rude rn cuz I can!!1!". I remember being manhandled or touched all the fucking time, like grabbing my hand, grabbing and carrying my whole body, etc. I would always run away obviously and was called a" demon child" like...... Girl....... And now whenever I go downstairs I can feel that bubbling feeling, and if I feel it too much, for example if someone tries to make conversation with me, I sprint back into my room to sit in silence there instead. I have never broken anything, but I have such an urge to just smash shit but I won't because as a kid I just got punished worse for any show of "" "negative" "" emotion
Looking back into my experience going to a special education school for children aged 4-5. I realize a little boy was mostlikely having these meltdowns. The teachers responded to that by restraining him into a chair, not really having any kind of comforting words to say to him. Times might have changed now but that does seem like such a bad aproach from literal special education teachers who should be trained on how to deal with this properly. It can't be easy but there must be better ways that don't further stress out children and invalidates their experience.
Oh god, my poor brother, I just remembered we used to seat-belt him to the dinner chair because he wanted to stand or walk around while eating but his feeding tube was stationary and we didn't want him to rip it out of his stomach. And he would cry so much, this poor boy. He had a lot of meltdowns and we just didn't know what to do for him a lot of the time because he's Deaf and nonverbal. He's 28 and in assisted living now and I haven't seen him in two years because of the distance and the pandemic. I miss him a lot. And now I know why it's always been so much easier for me to relate to him than our other brother, because it turns out I'm almost definitely autistic too while our brother is the sole neurotypical of the three of us lol
I never had a meltdown at school as a kid. Almost daily at home until I learned to prep clothes and such the night before, calling every single day, “the worst day of my life,” until my family made a joke out of it. But I would literally have nightmares about being at school and having some kind of explosive behavior that, in my mind, there was no coming back from. Repressed stress I suppose 🙃
Not having "typical" external meltdowns is a major reason for me to doubt my autism diagnosis even though my psychiatrist clearly confirmed my former self dignosis. I recognise my experience in your description of why you internalised them and how it lead to chunks of memory missing/beeing very cloudy. This is the first time hearing clearly about internalised meltdowns (not "just" diffenent kinds/coping mechanisms). Thank you for giving me this information. It is very useful for organising my thoughts an understanding my feelings. Maybe I can even recognize my own meltdowns in the future an call them that instead of a panic attack/not beeing able to think or other vague desriptions of my distress :)
Thank you for making the space and time for this video despite your pain and whatever else is going on in your life. These videos really mean a lot and help so many people connect with and validate who they truly are. Thank you Irene and I'm hoping you feel better soon and take as much time as you need for your mental and physical health🖤
As someone who has lived with chronic pain for 4 years, I appreciate hearing from other people who struggle with similar symptoms and experiences. It gives me hope that despite my unexplained symptoms being debilitating and disabling at times, I could still maybe do some of the things you do. Especially as someone who, like you, is autistic.
I have had chronic pain for over 20 years without diagnosis despite seeking help. The daily pain even on good days is hard but I want to encourage you to go for your passions. I have done so much in my life and know that people living with chronic pain or other struggles are caple of so many amazing things. Please be brave and also be kind to yourself.
@@DearTamela Thank you for sharing, both of you. And what an encouraging message. I'm also finding this to be true. I wish for a diagnosis but I guess rather not get the wrong one either, so in the meantime, am gonna have to live the best I can - including taking it easy as much as needed. Take care. God bless!
man. ive never been able to have an external meltdown in front of someone. if I start to all I can think about is them seeing and me scaring them. thank you for giving me hope and comfort
I was diagnosed as autistic last year, a month before turning 41. I had gone through my whole life not understanding me and not understanding why I am so different to everyone else. Meltdowns and shutdowns are something I am still trying to understand and work through. Thank you for taking the time to share your own experiences and help others to understand these things. I also wanted to say, I have always generally been a quiet and shy person and I don't think I had many instances of meltdowns but I do remember a few instances of what I have always thought was just rage after being pushed too far. I was bullied a lot and sometimes would hold the anger and sadness from that inside for months or even years at a time. So inevitably, there would come a time when something or someone would trigger me and everything came out in one explosive outburst. I gave someone a huge black eye once, I remember at times screaming and shouting at the top of my lungs out of anger and maybe thinking that what I am doing is crazy and a too much but at the same time not being able to stop because the emotions needed to come out fully. Maybe these were autistic meltdowns, I don't know for sure. I tend to have shutdowns far more often and hace days where I just want to shut out the outside world and close my personal space down as small as possible so that I feel safe. I am still in the process of understanding all of it. I had a lot of experiences of shutting off from the world when I felt threatened or overwhelmed. The best way to explain it is that it felt like my body was a protective shell and my inner person could shrink down inside when needed. Like a turtle going into its shell. It felt like I would shrink down inside and my body ran on autopilot while I was safely encased inside. I would only communicate in a very quiet, simple manner at these times. It was my way of protecting myself at times that I had no other way. Thank you for helping me to understand this. You're amazingly strong. Keep going!
I'm 45 and was just diagnosed with ADHD and ASD this summer. I'm just beginning to realize how much I masked, how much I suffered from low self esteem, and how often my reactions to stress were in fact meltdows or shutdowns... The main problem with being diagnosed so late in life after decades of intense masking is that I really struggle to reconnect with stimming, I still don't know what could help me regulate, and as a result I experience meltdowns on a regular basis - almost every week (intense "ugly" and loud crying, with clenched fists, first in a curled up position, and then suddenly a need to move all over the place, usually moving my arms in all directions to suppress the urge to hit my own head...). Now that I am educated about autism and understand my needs, I dont want to suppress my meltdowns anymore: when I'm home I juste let it out and 30/45 minutes later I'm perfectly calm, but most of them happen at work.. I generally go to the toilet to hide and try to regulate, but I can't be noisy so it's never enough. I thought that on those days I could at least "delay it" and let it out when i'm home in the evening, but I see now that a long day of keeping it inside just makes it impossible : it transforms into an internal tension that just stays there indefinitely and drains all of my energy >< Anyway, thanks for your work, it's been really helping me. I have found many communities online and feel so much less alone now ❤ I'm still in the beginning of my journey, but I must say that even just being diagnosed and learning about other autistic peoples' experiences has helped me SO MUCH to understand myself and feel less ashamed or "inadequate". Understanding I am allowed to feel what I feel, to be different, and to adapt my life to MY needs is really life changing 😳... after 45 years of forcing myself to be "normal" and feeling like I was a lesser person for not succeding 😢
Thank you for sharing your experiences! I’m glad you’ve found this understanding of yourself. I was diagnosed with ADHD and self-diagnosed (after the suggestion of my therapist) with autism earlier this year, too. I really relate to your last paragraph. I hope your journey to reconnect with your stims is successful - best of luck with everything, internet stranger. 💛
Growing up realizing you can't trust the people you're supposed to trust most isn't easy. Glad you found yourself and are able to explain it so clearly. I can definitely relate.
i think this video might have changed my life. ive been thinking about it every day. im 30 years old. i was diagnosed with CPTSD last year and ive been attributing everything to that. lately, ive been suspecting i might be autistic. this video is the first time ive ever heard someone exactly describe the "outbursts" ive had since kindergarten. i was kicked out of multiple grades despite having perfect grades. they were also described as "temper tantrums." ive felt intense shame my entire life over them. thank you for helping me connect the dots with this.
It's so validating to see you get emotional when talking about these things, because I frequently get the same way when talking about my personal issues and it makes people very uncomfortable. I just learned not to talk about my feelings at all, because I know I can't control my emotional response to it lol
Gentle reminder, you don't have to follow up hard feeling admissions with lol. It's not funny, and it doesn't have to be in order for you to be valid. Ily, we get better together.
hells yes. i called suicide hotline last week to exlain everything that ever wen wrong in my life and how i purposely made friends with the awful kids who abused me, not the normal kids, and she told me "well im not so sure i know what normal is". nice. so if i had called about having been molested by a pedo, then that behavior is normal too? wtf is the dsm iv then
Internal meltdowns last so long compared to external ones. I can be crying off and on all day if i have to work, just postponing the feelings. It feels aweful. When i dont feel comfortable to express the overwhelming feelings.
Hi Irene, thank you so much for making this video. I understand it is such a vulnerable topic and the fear of how others will perceive the information is scary. But your videos have meant so much to me as a fellow autistic ex-ABA therapist. I had been internalizing my meltdowns for years up until my time in ABA where my body hit a breaking point from watching my clients have meltdowns because of unrealistic demands I was expected to place on them as part of my job. My meltdowns now manifest externally or physically passing out if I try to dissociate from my body. Thank you.
My mother.used to brutally mock my meltdowns. My whole family did it, but for some reason I expected more from her. In retrospect, I realize she was least capable of supporting me in any way.
I think it's dodgy for a teacher to literally lock a child in a room. Barring autism, claustrophobic people exist! It's basic knowledge that you don't just randomly lock ANYONE into a room because they could have a panic attack and I'm surprised that teacher didn't get reprimanded
I didn’t realize how often I’ve been having internalized meltdowns, and why the few times I’ve reached out and just cried and rocked back and forth actually seemed to relieve me.
Your timing is immaculate 😅 I’m going through somewhat of a meltdown/shutdown right now. I always see these comments, but guess today’s my day 😓 Someone hard triggered my OCD/OCD-like tendencies and provoked me more to react 😑 Purposely provoking me and forcing me to be the “crazy” one happened throughout my childhood. I loathe them for framing my life as a madman when I am inherently a friendly and energetic person. Now I’m just immensely burnt out and constantly exhausted. 100% agree on violent/self-harming stims. I need to “expel” the negative energy/heat elsewhere. Breathing to calm down only works when I’m panicking. Being unable to express oneself (e.g. bottling up emotions) is my best guess for why this type of regulation occurs. Society is controlling as is and forcing people to act neurotypical/heteronormative. Mental health takes a big hit from all of this; going against our inherent nature (which mind you, actually hurts no one smh) causes us such deep harm. I find it extremely difficult to hurt others, and I definitely don’t ever intentionally or “want” to stim in a violent manner to myself. But when the mind and body are pressed to self-regulate after being forced not to for too long by society, it of course happens. Stopping nature from happening is a temporary possibility; it always “corrects” itself. *About the teacher who went to get the nice teacher, haha…I always scoff at people getting others to wipe their ass when they can’t be responsible enough to recognize their mistakes and do better. And I’m sorry your mother wasn’t supportive/acted like nothing happened. I’ve had similar experiences where I was provoked for reactions and then ignored until I came back from meltdowns/shutdowns and was “needed” to perform tasks/whatever. It hurts every time…I feel like cattle or something 😅 Oh wow (typing as I watch through this part of the video)! I think I developed OCD-like tendencies (not dx’d hence the phrasing) around that age too from the way I was treated. Just like you, I suppressed everything and forcibly stopped all stims. I was full of anger until I began dissociating/dpdr. I started pondering over the meaning of life and took interest in philosophical matters. I’m definitely not as in touch with my emotions as I was from childhood. I often use media to re-assimilate? The disconnect may be the explanation for why I had even more difficulty with forming thoughts and speech (compared to before, delayed processing?). I know those waves you’re talking about!! I feel like the sh*t of the earth when someone’s there to support me because I’m being a horrific burden- but I also feel terribly lonely without them. So the meltdown/shutdown cycle loops until the body’s done self-regulating, I guess? Thank you for sharing, truly ❤️ I’m so glad you’ve found someone who validates and supports you! It’s deeply heartwarming to see your progress 😊 Solidarity in autism and our meltdowns! 👊
I am also irene, I also have autism. I feel trapped by my scripting. I had my last (kinda) small meltdown in a party and I probably lost all my social points with that friend group. I shook and I scratched myself a little bit. But I still wasn't non-verbal and ten minutes before any scratching I had asked them to please not touch me (which they ignored). They then asked me if I wanted to go home... It was a good call but I hated the fact that they never gave me the option to just take a break and come back. They were embarrassed. It's been three weeks and they avoid talking about parties I've seen they are still going to by social media. In general, this has recently made me feel like a child with no agency or power. Thank you, you make me feel understood.
I am getting to know my autistic side now and I also had very awful parents that didn't cater to my needs and I am trying to learn more and I only realised yesterday that I had a meltdown. I only realised this week that meltdowns are what I have always called breakdowns. Thank you for this. I went into in a complete numb state. I also have OCD so instead of my own thoughts I just had the event that triggered my meltdown play over and over and over again in a loop, which made it even worse. Thank you so much for this. I feel less abnorbal. Edit: thank you for describing in detail the crying part too. My parents and other people in my life have always told me that the way I cried so loudly was "attention-seeking". This is why I have always learned to have my "breakdowns" which I know now were always meltdowns, I always run to a bathroom if I am in a place with other people.
Hihihi, Pixiefantasy here... 48 year old female diagnosed formally diagnosed 1.5 years ago. I was misdiagnosed with bi-polar and medicated for that mental health issue instead of a neurodiversity issue or however I'm "supposed " to state that. Learning new language finally that makes sense to me. I relate to this video so much. Internalized meltdowns...I call this " my shadow boxer", beating me up from the inside. I'm currently experiencing autistic burnout and FINALLY have the words 🙈🙉🙊 💙 ✌🖤☕🌈
I am diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD. I am glad that I got diagnosed with autism this year at age 47 because now I know that I am having a meltdown and not a mental breakdown. I don't worry as much that I am heading towards a stay in the mental hospital every time I get overly upset.
You read my thoughts?! I also was misdiagnosed…I think my meltdown were the main reason for that, bc I was naive enough to hope that shrinks can help me.
This is such an important video. I’ve never been able to relate to how meltdowns are usually described as much as I did hearing your experience. And the physical affects this kind of stress can have cannot be understated- Seriously, thank you for making this! I have DID and it interacts with my autism in a lot of ways- I went through many traumatizing things as a child, but the things that impacted me the most were situations that wouldn’t have occurred if I wasn’t autistic. One of the positives of this is that I’ve learned how to be my own meltdown/flashback partner. My comments already too long so I’m not gonna get too into structural dissociation theory, but I have a part that can be “stable” while another part has the meltdown. This can mean holding my own hand, guiding myself internally, and sometimes even interfering destructive behaviors. It might look weird to others and there’s definitely room for improvement in my coping skills, but it’s super helpful, at least while I’m not comfortable with other people seeing me meltdown
I resonate so much with the fear of being perceived. If I'm stressed out and suppressing tears, the worst thing someone can do is ask if I'm ok or point out that I look nervous. I was in a state of hypersensitivity yesterday after a serious conversation at work during which I got a bit overwhelmed and became tearful. It's very hard for me to readjust and regulate myself again after I get emotionally overstimulated and start to cry, but I had to go to a doctor's appointment, so I was trying my best to turn it off on the car ride over to the doctor's office. As soon as I walked up to register, the receptionist asked if I was ok because I looked nervous and I immediately burst into tears and was so embarrassed. She was such a kind and lovely person and was being very supportive, but I feel like she must've thought I was going through some kind of serious trauma and I didn't know how to explain to her that no, it's nothing serious, I just received very mild criticism at work and that stress was being compounded with the nervous anticipation for the gynecology appointment since I've never had a pelvic exam or pap test before, and I'm just holding a lot of stress in my body because this is just who I am as a person. But yeah, anyway, that's the story of me crying at the gynecologist's office. Also, it turned out that they didn't accept my insurance, and they were like, hey why don't you just call them quickly to be sure, and I felt too pathetic to tell them that I hate phone calls and they really stress me out and I was worried that I would cry on the phone, so I just did it, because apparently the embarrassment of having to explain that to them overrode the stress of having to make the phone call itself, so I just went into the bathroom where I could pace and stim privately, and I was actually very proud of myself because I was actually able to make the phone call without crying, so that was exciting, and I think it gave me an energy boost for the rest of the day because I went back to work after and I felt really on my game for the first time that whole week. I think that's the longest run-on sentence I've ever written, but for some reason I feels like it has to be that way, so I'm not gonna re-edit it, sorry.
@26 mins, "squeeze my hands" greatest love. He's giving you back your agency. Your hands are no longer balled into fists involuntarily; YOU are squeezing his hands, doing something deliberately. My love to you both! :'-)
This video made me ugly cry. Im 31 and I haven’t been diagnosed with autism but I was diagnosed with adhd and I feel in my heart that I have autism that is difficult to detect because im high masking. I feel like im losing my mind. I feel like my whole life was a lie. I’ve filtered myself so much to make other comfortable that I just don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I like. I’ve been gaslighting myself for so long it’s hard for me to cry. This video released something inside of me that needed processing. I wanted to reach through the screen and give you a hug because I empathize with you so much. I’m so glad you have a partner who understands. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. The world needed this 💕
I really relate to internalized meltdowns. I wasn't allowed to show negative emotions as a child and really relate to having silent internal explosions. Your partner sounds amazing. My partner also grounds me.
When I was a child with undiagnosed autism my teacher would have to physically restrain me when I was having a meltdown so I wouldn’t completely destroy the classroom
I have been like this for as long as I can remember. The hyposensitivity, brain fog, feeling dissociated and depersonalized, not being able to understand or explain feelings, and sometimes not being able to feel anything. I only somewhat externalize meltdowns when I am alone or when I don’t feel like people are paying attention to me. I will do things like pinch and slap myself but I never do these things around people I know well or when I think I’m in a situation where people will notice. Most of the time my brain just doesn’t let me express emotions in front of others or my brain will just shut down my emotions.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m dealing with long standing trauma of being locked in my room as a child. I appreciate your clarity and sharing that page from the book.
Ive lives,alone now for 20+ years, I find it very VERY hard so hard that its now not even easy to cry anymore. I understand that numbness, I was the same painfree numb when I had my tattoos too. When I was a young teen I could stick pins into my leg and not feel a thing. Lifes been a mess indeed. Youre honesty in sharing and seeing you cry actually made me release some tears for the first time in 2 years ...thank you ❤️
I was recently diagnosed (in my 40s) and I've been working up to watching this because I've been having internalized meltdowns for decades and didn't realize that was what was happening. All your videos that I have watched have been helpful, but this one really hit hard. I had a physiological response to your story about being locked in a room by a teacher, I felt myself in that situation and had to take a bit of a break. 💜 Thank you for making this. It was clearly difficult but I appreciate that this is on the internet for people to see and learn from.
Gahh, I really felt for you were describing your childhood meltdown and ripping up the paper, and I really relate to, "We just moved on like nothing was wrong. Only I was wrong." It's so horrible when you're in SO much pain and it's even super obvious because of the crying and screaming and other distressed behaviors, but the people in charge just kinda... walk away and move on. And nothing gets resolved, and you still feel like a freak because it feels like no one around you sees the problem you see, and the problem is so big and so frightening and no one sees it and no one sees *you.* I also relate to the derealization SO much. I was indeed calling it "brain fog". I recently went to the doctor and got blood taken just to test and see if I had some kind of vitamin deficiency because I was almost constantly too tired and distracted and stressed to focus on anything except my special interests. It was genuinely hard to even feel things towards other stuff, and I began to resent my job for having all these dumb rules that made no sense, like you mentioned, and wondering why I bothered to show up and knowing that the reason was because I need the money and resenting that fact as well. >< For now, I'm just letting this out and processing the things I'm learning about autism and how it affects me? And this video helped a LOT. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your candid and raw honesty, Condolences for the pain you've been through. I internalized meltdowns after I was corporeally punished by my mother for a violent one and she said I was stupid (for the meltdown). They became externalized again after years of psychological abuse, I had a partner living with me who threatened to break up with me if I didn't stop my autism. They pushed meltdowns and trauma triggers repeatedly until I was in a state of hair-trigger external, incredibly violent meltdowns. I didn't know how to control it, I was disgusted with myself. I saw myself as the abuser even though the triggers were obvious, avoidable, and I did everything I could to handle it. I begged for 10 minutes to calm down, I begged for alone-time, I begged for better communication, slower and more patient communication rather than contantly being thrown on the defensive. I ended up homeless and couch-hopping. I ended up back with my family. My Mom continued to violate basic boundaries. Knocking before opening the door. Giving me time alone to process emotions. Being allowed to put a conversation on pause, etc. She didn't respect that while we were still under considerable stress. I was paying 100% of the household bills, bleeding my meager savings because my income was 200$ less than the monthly bills. She didn't understand my full-grown adult meltdowns. I am now ZERO contact with past abusers or people who cannot respect boundaries. I used to self-harm daily to keep meltdowns 'internalized' and got labeled with BPD. I'm now 2 years free of self-harm. I'm 2 years free of unsupportive and abusive people. My body's numbness and dissociation has faded and now I'm more aware than ever of how much pain I've been in for years not really knowing how bad it is. The doctors have no real solutions. They've only advised OTC pain-killers and simultaneously chastized me for taking so many OTC tylenol & ibuprofen. I share this for anyone in a similar situation who's confused and struggling, and in fashion of sharing a similar experience to share I can relate. I'm not looking for sympathy or consolation or congratulations. Thank you.
I have self harmed as well. I rarely do that anymore. Once a year or less. I was labeled BPD as well even though I didn't meet the criteria. It was bullshit. And harmful to me.
Condolences! While I found DBT helpful that was only because of the DBT therapist I had at the time. A lot of DBT therapists use withdrawal of warmth and refuse to validate the emotions of the client which seems against the basic tenants of DBT to me but I guess what do I know lol. The BPD label was incredible harmful, the stigma around the disorder indicates intentional and precalculated manipulations which isn't even part of the criteria. I've never been able to get diagnosed with autism, but a psychiatrist will take just 15 minutes with me and decide that it's BPD without asking about my history of relationships. It seems to be that doctors think that self-harm can only ever be a symptom of BPD and never just a symptom of distress, trauma, etc. I hope you've been able to find more helpful ways@@Catlily5
@@thatautodidact2371 I found DBT to be more helpful than harmful when I had a good DBT therapist as well. Luckily I had her for longer. I had a couple of bad DBT therapists and some very bad psych hospital stays. I agree that the mental health professionals thinking that self harm is only due to BPD is total bullshit. I don't even meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD. I also at that point had several friendships from 5 to 10 years long. The hospital would say I was manipulative and borderline because I was desperate and scared due to PTSD and meltdowns. They thought I was trying to manipulate them by melting down. I was freaking out because I thought a meltdown was a mental health breakdown and that I needed psychiatric help. When I was outpatient the counselors would comment that I did not seem borderline. It was a huge mess. I am currently diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar and Autism. I only got diagnosed with autism this year at age 47. It has been helpful to me because it explains things that the mental health diagnoses didn't explain. They were only a partial explanation and my progress was very slow. I do believe that I am both mentally ill and autistic ( 70% of autistic people have a mental illness as well). But treating the mental illness only is missing half or more of the picture. I hope you can get diagnosed correctly.
This came at the perfect time for me. Literally just this week I learned what internalized meltdowns were and it was SUCH a revelation. Thank you so much for this
I have chronic pain too and it is so hard even on good days. I really appreciate you being so honest and open, it makes me feel more comfortable doing similarly in my content. I am trying to get tested for autism but am certain I have it and I also feel very emotional about how much harder things are having to hide for so long. Now that I've excepted being autistic I find myself experiencing things more like I did as a small child. Hearing autistic stories make me feel seen in a way I have never felt before. I like that you acknowledge that meltdowns are both normal but also are hard on those close to us. Self harm seen in this light really is healing. I've been restrained in meltdown and the feeling was terrifying and traumatic.
Girl, your pain resonates with me. I am in the same position. People who don’t have the struggle can’t possibly begin to understand…unless they know or love someone with it and have educated themselves on what it is. I have this struggle. My own parents still call it “emotional” instead of accepting this for what it is. Heads in the sand.
It's so sad too. I wish people would try to understand, I wish people could understand. When I have a meltdown its because I was always highly emotional and feel deeply emotionally impacted because one of my core beliefs is being heavily in tune with my emotions, so when something affects me. It affects me 100x as much because I always saw that as a normal way of going through life. To live life deeply and fully, I was genuinely shocked when others don't live like that.
Just found you and second video I'm watching. I realized I was on the spectrum at 35. I have extreme chronic pain in my neck, shoulders, back. I feel its how I dealt with my melt downs. I'd hold it all in, go nonverbal. Now as I look back on it all, no wonder I have so much pain now. Looking forward to the future where I can let out feelings proper...release that wont hurt me? With no judgement...because the judgement is how I've gotten to this point, crippled by pain and bottling it all in. Hopefully we can all feel ourselves one day!
I honestly don't even know if I am autistic... that's my biggest problem. Some people really close to me say they can see it but then my coworkers tell me no way and my therapist (who doesn't specialize in autism) says I would be high functioning if I am. I don't know anymore and I get confused/nervous when I watch your videos thinking that maybe I am making it all up, but I love your videos you seem so sweet
Neurotypical people don't spend a lot of time and energy worrying about wether they are autistic or not. Nobody is inventing problems, if you struggle and if life seems way more difficult than everyone around you, there is definitely something up. Now, it could be something else, as anxiety disorders or CPTSD/ADHD symptoms can overlap with ASD. Do not trust therapists that are not specialized or willing to read recent studies, I myself have a psychology degree and we had 2 hours on autism over the course of 5 years, and it was only about little white rich boys. One therapist even told me I couldn't be autistic because I managed to get a master's degree in psychology... a lot of them have no idea what they are talking about and just pretend they do. If you can afford it, find a specialized therapist. Otherwise, I would advise you to look up all the symptoms of ASD, and make a list of the things you could never explain about yourself and your interaction with other people/the times you felt different from the people around you, all your mental/physical health struggles and bring that list to your therapist. Also, if possible, ask your family if they think some things were "odd" with you as a young child. Look up videos on early signs in childhood, they often (not always!) manifest with tiptoe walking until late/t-rex arms/clumsiness/having to cut all the tags from your clothes/difference in speech development/fussiness around food/intense interests in some topics/collecting objects/... Hope this is helpful and not overwhelming... and hope you will find some answers
Occupational Therapist here! A lot of the work that we do for people with ASD dual/triple diagnosis is focused on sensory processing. The way that your partner helps you regulate - in terms of physical input (not just co-regulation) is very much consistent with what we understand about how the nervous system responds to deep pressure and physical activity. As a society I dont think we do a good job of showing people rhe different options that are available for coping and regulating, but they are infinite and you can experiment with them! 😊 That's what's so great about occupational therapy - you can have a safe space to try things out and listen to your body.
I'm 24 yo and got diagnosed last year. Watching this video and reflecting on my own experiences made me realize that I have at least two different kinds of meltdowns. They are either triggered by feeling scared/ confused and not having any control which leads to intense fear/crying etc. The other ones happen when im very overstimulated and irritated / hungry and they are so violent and filled with rage that i feel like i want to hurt everybody around me. (So having someone help me is not an option lol) Though meltdowns cant be avoided knowing what they are and knowing my triggers has really helped. Tysm for making videos about these topics 💜
Blocking the door when someone is trying to get out is like a basic tactic for escalating a situation and making someone panic. That teacher should never do that to anyone, the result is never good. A lot of domestic violence starts because of that kind of situation where someone is being physically blocked into a room, because the feelings and vulnerability escalates so quickly.
This video is one of the most validating experiences I've had in 32 years... thank.you.so.much. from a one-week-diagnosed Autistic woman with an autoimmune chronic illness ❤
Im sorry you are in so much pain. I also struggle with chronic pain and one of the things that took my pain experience from 100 down to 15 is the work of Dr. Sarnos-books and a documentary called "All the Rage". I was bedridden for 4 years and now am not..at all.... some pain, some occasional headaches but nothing, NOTHING like what I lived with. Tan you for sharing. My internalized meltdowns have been a horror show and now knowing its me but not me, I feel so much relief.
Thank you for sharing. I have carried so much shame regarding my meltdowns. I scream and yell. It does scare people around me. I just dont have anyone i can trust so touching me makes the melt down worse. This is the first time i have heard of internalized meltdowns. I would have to do this at work and in public, but as i have aged, that mask breaks down sometimes. Remote work saved me. Covid is hearbreaking. I lost my mom, but the slow down of society and ability to work from home saved me. I really appreciate the honesty of your videos. I felt so much shame and i have so much gratitude for you letting me know i am not alone.
at 12:06, when you're describing feeling you were the problem .... i had such similar experiences in early life, of not being comforted but instead punished. thank you for your vulnerability and your honesty. this video is actively changing my life for the better. /g
Thank you. Life is overwhelming for autistic people. I am autistic man. When I had a meltdown, I would shout, punch myself, and then quietly cry in my room.
My melt downs have always been called tantrums up until less the a year ago when I fell hard into masking. What’s funny about this is because my cousin (was diagnosed autistic at a young age) was having the same breakdowns I was having over the same stuff, while I got yelled at he got coddled and pisses me off all the time. I’m not a diagnosed autistic, but I’ve done research and I. Going to see a specialist at some point and once I get a diagnosis imma rub it in my family face how badly they treated me. Another thing that pisses me off is how they use my cousin (the one previously mentioned) as an insult, like one time I was talking on about a topic, for liek hours I think and my mom was just like “your acting a lot like_____ right now” in a l disgusted tone I hate double standards when it comes to male and female in the mental health system. I could go on and on about it (I was about to) but basically my issues don’t seem to be taken as seriously s my male counter parts (I have like 3 diagnosis) and it really starting to piss me off when people say I don’t look like I could have adhd or autism (I’m a walking stereotype, but ya know, born female) purely for the fact that I’m not a male child (got told that to my face by medical professionals 💀
My only word of caution is to be careful rubbing it in your family’s face when you do get diagnosed. Some people will still treat you the same and invalidate you even with a diagnosis. It sounds really satisfying and would be 100000% justified, but just be careful.
I also wasn't diagnosed and my mother doesnt support my selfmed thinks of me as junkie and that I make up my disability and chronic pain, Im actually unsure if Ill make it past this winter since I cant afford housing and because im undiagnosed for physically debilitating disorders at this point, I try to survive for 5 years now and im just 22, never had chance to actually go trhough right puberty and develop but im undiagnosed so im choosing to live like this in eyes of society and authorities so they won't help me
@@maya_void3923 I feel your pain, I pray you get a safe and stable place to stay and are able to get diagnosed to get the proper help. It's hard out here for us undiagnosed females who are great at masking. It's really hard. You'll make it through I believe you are strong, strong enough to get this far and strong enough to keep going.
I think part of the different treatment for the diagnosed kid is the “power struggle” that so many neurotypicals are constantly in. It’s scary how many neurotypical people will accuse their own literal TODDLERS of “being manipulative.” Having an official diagnosis seems to cut some of that down.
Had a similar experience but with my older brother being the one who got diagnosed. I was known as the “lazy child” and the amount of times I’d be told to “stop acting autistic” and that I had no excuse to act like my brother did was insane… Only to later find out my parents were told to get me tested by my school as a child! I got my adhd diagnosis (likely have autism too) a few years ago and my mom’s initial reaction was that I must’ve “fooled” the test somehow but I will say she has educated herself and is a lot more supportive now though that doesn’t change the childhood trauma it gave me😐
Yes about “people pushing you into a meltdown“ . It is so true. Thank you for saying this. I was teased and sat on. By my caregivers. It creates anger even in a neurotypical
i cried when you described your external physical meltdown because i feel i have experienced that very thing or something similar to it and ive always felt ashamed of it because i would throw things and it almost felt like i had little control over my actions but i knew i needed to let it out . ive had many moments like this in my life and im unsure if i just have anger issues or dont know how to handle high levels of stress but thankyou for sharing this , you dont understand how not alone you just made me feel 🥺🫶🏽 i apprecaite you ! ✨️
What now I know is a meltdown, is this increasing wave growing inside of me. I can hold it for a while but at some point it just breaks. In my case it's also mostly instense crying and almost screaming until I am tired and cannot do it anymore. And I hate the fear and confusion that causes in people around me. Since I've started to pay more attention to my body and feelings I've managed to notice that before a meltdown there is this extremely unpleasant feeling inside... something like suffocationg or dread. I started remembering that when I was a kid the same feeling happened when for example during playing with kids and messing around someone would impare my movement. Like the most vivid example I remember was when my neighbourhood friend locked me with some pillows within an armchair. I had exactly this feeling that I have to get out that it has to stop now. My partner is my safest person tho even he doesn't always know what to do and what is happening and especially when to stop doing a thing that he was doing before my meltdown. I started to talk with him about it. I don't want him to be scared or confused or feel like it's his fault. But I need him to understand that when this is happening to me, everything has to stop. It's not about him. I am not running away from a difficult convsersation or a problem. It's about my body reacting. And while it might be that our interaction connected with other circumstance has triggered the meltdown, it's really not possible to foresee all possible triggers and prevent them all and sometimes it will happen. The good part is that my meltdowns are much more rare in recent times. I guess, me realising that I need to rest more after things that are more taxing for me, might have a lot to do with that. I now have the language to explain that it might seem I am not doing much on the outside so people don't understand why do I need the rest, yet my body doesn't lie - if it's tired or overstimulated there is a reason and it's valid even if it's only specific to me and no one else around me. I also started to stim conciously when I feel a meltdown coming and it helps a lot. It can still happen but the intensity will be less taxing for me.
This video made me cry with you😢 I had a meltdown today and my older brother is one of my biggest triggers bc he goes straight to violence even when someone confronts him in a respectful manner. Anyway, my mom does not understand me at all and she says things that are just so invalidating and it frustrates me. I don't feel like I can go to her but I want to so bad I want her to hold me and tell me it will be okay but she unintentionally says all the wrong things and triggers me even more. Although I'm not diagnosed with autism, I relate to this video completely and I think if I show her this and tell her this is exactly how I feel and what I need maybe she will understand a little bit. So thank you so much for being vulnerable and open about this difficult topic. You are so strong and an inspiration to others, myself included. Much love❤️
❤ this is so moving, thank you. If my daughter did things like rip up paper i'd sit with her, and rip up some paper too, or if it was maybe an object we wouldnt want broken id give her something it was ok to break / tear safely. It would turn into a kind of quiet activity we were doing together and help her transition, she would be able to open up and move through her emotions because we were doing it together.
Thank you for sharing. This is actually very informative and your channel means a lot to me. My partner is autistic and he benefits most from somatic therapy type stuff. I try to be as validating and helpful as possible but I myself get triggered by loud noises due to my own sensory issues and trauma. As a result when he yells (never at me), throws things, hits himself punches walls, etc. It definitely has an effect on us both. We’re still trying to work out what works best but so far we’re finding that giving each other space to process and regulate ourselves in the same house but different areas is helpful. Additionally, bike rides clear his head, dancing in VR, or having a safe thing to throw, punch or break are super helpful. Still working through the kinks but totally relate and very grateful. It takes a lot of courage to put this out there and I definitely admire you for that. Keep keeping on. You have my support from afar! Hope you have a great rest of your week!
What a great candid video. I have never heard anyone explain a meltdown. Your honesty and vulnerability while being very factual and honest is refreshing. I am learning a lot and thinking more about what people go through and thinking about my own needs. Thank you… ❤
I have my guitars on the wall too! Meltdowns for me feel like depression. But I also have times when I throw a fit and yell about everything . People get scared . Sometimes I get panic attacks . I also did photography in college . We are similar in so many ways . ❤️
Girl…when you started talking about your support with your partner, I even teared up. As a nurse with ASD, it warms my heart that you have such an empathetic partner you can lean on for support! ❤️
Hey Irene! Thank you for your vulnerability. I feel your pain too. I used to be external with my meltdowns as a kid, but everyone--including myself, thanks to internalizing people's views of me--thought I was just attention seeking or making drama when there didn't need to be. I learned to internalize it.. and its an immense internal pain--sometimes physical, in my chest, that can only be expressed in quiet by myself and the cries are physically painful. Violent stims are also a problem and I wish that there was someone near me to help me with it so I don't hurt myself.. I just want patience from others.. patience and understanding that I am not a bad person, or troubled, or scary, or needing to be told how to behave.. because I feel a deep sense of shame when I am in those moments because here I am 35 and breaking down like a toddler would. I've had many family, who don't understand, witness me and shame me for them.. or scold me like a child to straighten up and stop embarrassing them. Its an isolating experience... and I am glad that your channel exists.. its helped me not feel so alone in what I feel and deal with. and given me advice in how to navigate my experiences in a more helpful way than hurting myself..
Thank you for being so brave to talk about this! I think I had meltdowns as a teen but I don't remember much about that time - but at least I remember something similar; maybe a contributing factor is that I kinda quit life and avoid all kinds of conflicts which is also not healthy at all... In adult life my body's main reaction to stress and overstimulation is shutdowns, selective mutism, burnout and slowly drifting towards depression.
I'm not sure if you will see this comment. Thank you for all the amazing work and energy you put into your podcast and videos. I cried listening to this one, especially after having a session with my therapist where she said "I'd like to recommend a psychologist to evaluate you for ADHD or autism". It felt like a relief of "oh my gosh, maybe I'm NOT crazy?" And after hearing this episode, a lot of things from my childhood, adolescence and even adult hood (26) make sense now. I always felt like I cant function like a "normal" person could even tho I do my best and now I may finally be able to get the diagnosis to help me in the right direction. You've been such a beautiful blessing in the community and I cant thank you enough for all you do💓✨️
I relate so much with your experience, being hyposensitive because you’re so disconnected and internalizing your meltdowns, the correlation between it. I can only now allow myself to externalize my meltdowns since I have my autism and adhd diagnosis. I feel a little less alone when I can have my meltdown with my partner. I noticed this is one of the healthiest ways to navigate my meltdowns as he is also very empathetic and nurturing. He allows me to express what I’m feeling even though it may look ‘much’, just being able to talk through it with someone who understands what’s going on can help a lot. I know having someone like that isn’t for everyone.. otherwise writing down what you’re feeling and experiencing to allow your feelings to ‘be there’ and give a place to what you’re feeling is a good way to somewhat cope with those internalized meltdowns. Thanks again Irene for sharing your experience with us.
Thank you for sharing vulnerable moments, your videos are helping SO MANY PEOPLE! You truly are making such an impact. You are loved and appreciated ☺️💕
Hey Irene, I recently found your channel. You have no idea how much it helps me just to know that I’m not alone in these feelings. Over the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced more meltdowns and shutdowns than I have in the previous 8 years. It’s debilitating, but finding your channel (And some other channels of autistic creators) has been hugely beneficial. Thank you for this video especially!
I’ve never related to anything more, even including the s/o part. My bf is so empathetic, he’s the only one who’s ever been able to comfort me during my meltdowns. I feel safe with him bc I know he would never judge me. I’m so thankful for him. And thank you for sharing this. Your videos always make me feel less alone. Please take care 💕
Thank you. You made me realize what I actually experienced. These weren’t common outbreaks of anger, where people told me that I was overreacting. These were Meltdowns. I recently got my diagnosis for ADHD and when you told what internalized meltdowns were for you I found myself in it and started to cry immediately. You helped me to understand myself. I’m really thankful that you shared this with us.
I’ve only had one internalized meltdown and it was at my grandma’s 89th birthday. My dad said I couldn’t bring my headphones to the party and when I told him that the headphones drown out the excess noise he said it wasn’t going to be noisy. (He doesn’t know I’m autistic) it was noisy. VERY noisy. The music was loud asf and so many ppl were talking around me and I could remember just feeling I was on the verge of crying. There were times where I would think about locking myself in the bathroom and just crying there but I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. All I did was cover my ears and just sat at my seat (there were tables and chairs) I could barely eat bc every time I went to grab my fork to eat I would just be attacked by the loud music around me. I couldn’t draw, I couldn’t listen to my playlist on Spotify to drown out the noise. I couldn’t do anything. I felted lied to that day and I still do. Yes i know he probably didn’t know the music was going to be loud but I just feel like he let me down that day.
Oh my goodness. I just had one of my first meltdowns post diagnosis at Disneyland of all places. I’m a 44f. I was so mad that I wanted to hit things. I don’t even really remember the meltdown. It lasted for almost 2.5 hours. Nonstop crying, hyperventilating, dizzy. I just remember not wanting my husband to be anywhere near me and I was trying my hardest to mask over a little bit to protect my 13 yo son. It was bananas. I woke up from crying myself to sleep. Only my son came to my side to help me. I was just dx in February 2023. My husband is already spread thin with patience for my new diagnosis. It’s been a struggle. I’ve been living in a brain fog and disconnected to the real world for a few years now after a surgery went wrong and put me in life/death danger. I’ve not been the same since.
Well this got longer than I thought so here is my big response comment in order of the things you talk about -if walking around while doing a video would be better for your pain management i am sure we all would be okay with it! i have seen lots of people who do like walking vlogs or walking and talking while showing what they are seeing (a forest or the city or something!) if this isn’t your thing thats totally fine i just thought you should know we all support you regardless of your video style! -i totally agree about the self harm stim thing. oh my god. i just explained this to my best friend! wanting me to stop doing the pain-stim is only going to bring me more distress. and its not harming me in the long run. its not permanent damage. previously as a teenager when i was depressed i self harmed because i thought i deserved it. this is different! its a completely different reason and a different style of self harm. irene i totally get you here and its so nice to have someone else verbalize it. -“only i was wrong and the problem was me” wow. this is exactly how i felt as a child. and now when i still deal with my extreme guilt and people pleasing. -okay so apparently i have internalized meltdowns. okay makes sense. it feels like i have a scream that needs to come out but instead all the pressure goes to my head and i freeze and there is nothing i can do. i can’t cry as the pressure hurts too badly. guess i need to work on this. i am scared to have outward meltdowns but they do sometimes happen. you are the first person i am hearing talk about internalized meltdowns (probably because i am not on tiktok). being late diagnosed (25) is a learning process but i feel i’m getting to breaking point so i better learn quickly. -you and a few other channels really make me want to create a youtube account as well to begin talking about my experiences as an autistic woman late diagnosed. i love watching all you guys and hearing your individual experiences. thank you for sharing, even if it feels hard or vulnerable! it helps us not feel alone
20:36 I'm autistic and struggling with this exact thing so much right now, it's such a relief to hear someone say how powerless and genuinely traumatic it feels. I have chronic mental and neurological disabilities and I'm unable to work because of it. I filed for SSDI in february of 2022 and this summer my appeal to the denial for my case was rejected, so now I have to wait 8+ months to have a hearing with a judge (and thankfully, my attorney). A month ago or so I was considering for the 1,000th time that if I get paired with an uncompassionate ableist judge who can simply choose to disregard all of my medical documentation, I have to start this process all over again. I had thought of that possibility so many times, but in that instance, it felt like a colossal wave crashing down on me and I was only barely able to walk myself back from having a severe panic attack (which is an achievement!). On the days when the weight of that reality doesn't manifest as exhausting fear and stress, I struggle with major depressive episodes. I can't imagine how I would live if my family and partner weren't able to support me financially. There's so much shame being in my late 20s and having my parents paying my bills.
My mother would drive me to meltdowns daily. And during the worst ones, she would record me to show to friends and family... i can't articulate the way that makes you feel. It is so terrible. But the thought of being dirt on the floor was comforting. Of being something inanimate and easily overlookable. Anything to not be perceived. Anything that does not truly exist with a mind and a heart that can be broken. That was my comfort. I guess since then, i have such an ingrained desire to stay unperceived in my meltdowns that i turn them all inward. All of my stims, everything, inward. But my stims are violent now. The crazy meltdowns were started by being punnished for stimmimg and other issues. Pain became the strongest sensation i could give to myself without being noticed. So now claw at the palms of my hands and my thighs because i can make the sensation intense enough to drown out my feelings and re regulate me but not be noticed. It's not good though. Aside from obvious reasons, i cant get a diagnosis because the psychologist doesn't recognize any of my damn stims when I'm sitting right in front of him and doing them. And i didn't always internalize like this. I'm implementing stim toys now to encourage me to use something less destructive. But even then, it's hard to find stim toys that work. But it's a process. It would have been great to be past this right now though. But we aren't. I feel like a child for all of the skills i did not get to learn at the right age. But worse than for the self destructive habits that were ingraned into my primary circutry instead. And she calls herself a mother.. it doesn't take much to sleep with someone and forget a condom. What comes after on the other hand... that's different entirely. A mom teaches her children to prepare them for the world. She did the opposite and now thinks she can hug me and be my friend like it was all just so difficult for the both of us... but she had a choice and i did not.
being in a state of constant brain fog and not really being able to conceptualize life and formulating thought have been such relatable reality for me as well
im still not properly diagnosed but im sure i am autistic and this past year has been fully of educating myself and understanding everything about me under the scope of autism while dealing with a heartbreak and its been all very eye opening and also very painful
I’n glad you started to know what is happening in you. Send a hug ❤
Same with me. I am not formally diagnosed, but have been studying about this for over a year or so and I’m pretty sure I’m on the spectrum.
As a teacher myself, it breaks my heart to hear how your teacher mistreated you. I could never imagine reacting that way...and I'm so sorry your mother cared more about saving face with the teachers than checking on you. I'm glad you have your partner's support now. My transgender son was recently diagnosed at 14 (although I've had a feeling since he was 3, but was told I was crazy). He definitely internalizes his meltdowns and I wish I could help him through it more. I tell him we're all a work in progress and never to be ashamed but he's a teenager who just wants to be "normal".
I very much relate to this. My whole upbringing and into my early adult years I was so incredibly disconnected and dissociated. I watched myself through a window most of my life, with periods of time feel more in my body but not being able to fully connect with it. Not fully understanding what was going on.
I came to the realization after over a year of educating myself that I'm Autistic. Since then I've been navigating so much burnout and genuinely 30 years of bottled up emotions and meltdowns. It's super overwhelming but also incredibly liberating. I feel like I'm on the tail end of almost a year long period of burnout and feel so much more attune with my own body and emotions. Still have a lot of processing and unpacking to do, which will probably take years to do so, but I feel like I'm getting closer to manage life in a way that is more accommodating and less destructive. Always nice to hear from other Autistic folks and know you're not alone
FEEL FREE TO MOVE WHEN FILMING IF U WANT, DO WHATEVER TO ACCOMODATE YOUR NEEDS! ❤❤❤❤
i was gonna say this too!! ur audience will definitely be more understanding than most
I feel the same way
That was my first thought, although the guilt and shame can be crippling. I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD like a month or two ago (at the game of 25) and its hard, it's so very hard.
100% agree, but it also might not be masking and more about staying in the camera frame/in focus. Depending on how close you are to the camera, movement will cause you to be cut off the frame. Being further from the camera helps minimize the issue because you have more room to move within the frame
@@WaffleSalad that's a really good idea c:
“you’re scaring me” is so invalidating: I’m the one who’s feeling strongly and I can’t step out of it to comfort someone else reacting to me feeling.
"You're scaring me"
"Well now you know how I feel"
Like this is an expression of how I feel on the inside so if someone is afraid just by seeing it from the outside they should have the empathy to realise that it is 100 times that on the inside for the person melting down.
It's horrible when they're not even telling you but you KNOW they're scared of you. It's especially infuriating because they will NOT admit their feelings and put the whole burden and blame on you instead. It's straight up brutal and - and I weight my words there because my therapist specialised in autism was the first to say it - it's abusive. A type of abuse you can't even denounce without being gaslit even more. It's plain vicious man
They'll try to pass it off as you being a "vulnerable narc", just watch a bunch of grandiose antisocial narcs trying to justify their lack of empathy (And jealousy from you receiving "attention at their expense") by calling you histrionic or borderline...
Watch those heartless weirdos do it, and try to convince everyone they're right. Because it's easier to not care, it's easier to not feel, for everyone really... but for them, it comes naturally.
I hate when people uses phrases like this when you are in a crisis because it’s essentially demanding you be emotionally available to them when you literally cannot. My mom always told me that I needed to think of other peoples feelings when I was in a crisis. I’m sorry mom but if I’m feeling su*cidal I don’t have the bandwidth to care for others emotionally.
Their feelings are valid too. It is what it is. There are good ways to express emotions and there is acting scary. You can't stop acting scary, you have to go isolate yourself until you are ready to come back to the social interaction. #accountability #responsibility
“nothing was wrong, only i was wrong.” ok we’re crying tonight. we are weeping *and* wailing tonight.
I almost broke down and had to stop the video when she said that. 😭
Straight up had to pause to process that. That quote was strong.
that part also broke me
I intensely dislike the common practice of making someone feel bad for feeling bad, especially for meltdowns. It is extremely unfair and cruel. #FriendsAndFamily
I agree.
That's the way I was raised. Are you saying my parents were wrong???
I would have a meltdown and my family would just make it worse either saying I'm lazy or belittling me for being unable to concentrate and focus bc i would and still do say i don't know and would get yelled at for being honest bc i didn't know how to verbalize it due to my undiagnosed adhd and shame as well so Id just go nonverbal and just internalize it to where its so painful and deep; the last full meltdown I had my aunt just mocked me called me retarded and stupid said I was acting like a crazy person and she would bring up my dead mom and the stress I caused her which just shuts me down even more cause I would blame myself for all her problems
It seems like people are having kids for all the wrong reasons and the abuse of leadership dominates everything.
@@robertabarnhart6240Were you diagnosed as autisic at the time?
I hadn't been yet, and went through the same thing.
Having meltdowns in front of the wrong people can be the worst feeling in the world.
Masking is killing us. We need to be comfortable being ourselves amongst each other. Moving, stim, do what you need. You're doing us a favor when you do it! When you normalize it!
This ☝️
Growing up autistic in a house where I was emotionally neglected, and going to a school that didn’t treat me fairly, even though I was diagnosed at a young age, taught me that my emotions are the enemy. They’re something to be suppressed otherwise you’ll just get in trouble again. I don’t really remember my meltdowns, just that they seemed really stupid and pointless and that I wished I could control my emotions so that I didn’t get in trouble again. I guess it’s still like that even if I’m out of school.
Can relate. From the beginning of 2nd Grade until Graduation, I had an "Autism Support Aide" babysitting me in almost every class, whose sole purpose was to hover over me and prevent me from stimming. I was the Autistic kid to receive such an intrusive accommodation, and the aides and teachers kept yelling at me for trivial reasons (eg. showing any emotion other than happiness was "disrespectful"), and I was punished frequently and severely for stimming too much. By 3rd Grade I had the distinct feeling of being singled out for unfair treatment, and by 4th grade I was struggling not only with passive suicidal ideation (which the school district not only didn't take seriously, but also made me sign a document promising not to express such sentiments) but also with hating my own ability to feel emotions.
I'm so sorry you were abused like that. I hope that with time you will be able to foster some self-compassion and learn to relate to those tender parts of yourself with the love and care that you needed and deserved as a child.
@@strategicgamingwithaacorns2874 that is so so horrible, I'm so sorry you were abused like that. I hope you can feel compassion and love towards your childhood self who did what they needed to to survive that horrible environment. I hope you are in a safe environment now where you can be supported in healing your internal relationship with your own emotions, stim freely and express yourself. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you.
I’m dealing with internalize meltdowns alone on a daily basis. It’s very isolating, physically draining, and scary. I have always had to take care of myself since the age of 5. As someone who has been chronically unemployed the last 8 years and not able to have my basic needs met. My meltdowns looks like intense crying fits, severe rocking back and forth, mutism, increase chronic pain, intense dissociation with speaking repetitive thoughts that are severely self harmful.
Dealing with one right now. Thank you for this episode. I feel seen. Doesn’t help the severe shame but I feel see
I have similar feelings of dissociation and repeating thoughts. It's very scary and I haven't relaxed in a couple of weeks. I'm currently employed but taking time off work.
This sounds like me. When you say you had to take care of yourself since you were 5, how do you mean? This is what happened to me in a way as well. I was already bullied by then, but had a girl who protected me and we used to go away from everyone and just be the two of us . With her I could be my autistic self, and we even got pretend married. Then she died suddenly when I was 5, and I didn’t get any help to process it I remember thinking then that I was alone in the world now and could only rely on myself. So that’s what happened. From the age of 5 I didn’t even trust my family or feel I could rely on them, and it messed up my life from the start. Now, at 41, I just realized I’m autistic and have ADHD. Life has been nothing but an endless string of trauma.
omg i thought i was the only one im so sorry
Neurodivergent bf can read me almost instantly when something is going wrong. Hand holding, hugs, helping me escape the situation and retreat. He sits down with me and shares some cute cat videos. I can read him pretty well too. I’m so blessed.
Irene, maybe this'll help: an Autistic meltdown is ONLY when the nervous system is overstimulated and consequently, overwhelmed; and so it can't process ANY new information when in that state. It's not a temper-tantrum, it not a weakness in one's character.
I understand. I'm Autistic too.
I don't really know if I ever had a meltdown, I probably did many times, I only remember moments of intense stress, disassociating from the world around me, feeling dizzy, but without ever making it visible in anyway to the world around me.
Especially when I was younger as the oldest of 4, I always had this mentality of never wanting to be a burden to anyone, so I never had anyone I opened up to who could have interrogated those feelings.
Nowadays living on my on I feel like I manage my stress and emotions well enough through enough alone time, exercise etc. But as I am writing this, I am realising it probably just means that I built up a greater capacity to seal those things away.
So I am guessing if I am sealing those other things away, I probably sealing away what would be meltdowns as well, and I don't even how I could have external meltdowns, even if I didn't feel a taboo about expressing my deepest emotions like that in any public way.
i feel very similarly to everything youve said. thanks for sharing 😇
Thank you so much for saying this. This resonates with me and my life so far. I always felt like an imposter since I didn't know how to explain my low aggression and demeanor when I am going through tough times and stressful dysregulating events. Now I realize its internal, to myself, hidden deep as I drift through the deepest parts of my head to escape from the busy and confusing world around me. Thanks for speaking out! \(^-^)/
Totally relate to this. I'm child #7, but my college psychology professor (who knew one of my siblings) said that I seemed more like an eldest and wondered if I could relate to that, and, actually, I do. I have felt "responsible" my whole life, and it occurs to me that I have a lot of resentment for my older siblings who are able to be irresponsible, badly behaved, and (importantly) freely emotionally expressive.
I have had a few flaming meltdowns, and it's always terrifying, to myself as much as to my family members.
I'm just now learning A LOT about myself.
Cheers to us -both- ALL on our separate journeys. 🙏🕊
Exactly the same!
I was 52 when diagnosed. I wish it had been sooner as my marriage may have had a chance to survive. Life is messed up when diagnosed late in life. If my parents had known then my childhood would possibly have been less toxic. I was always considered "the trouble maker" "the bad one" "the unloveable one" hopefully things will become easier as you age ❤️
38 and trying to get a diagnosis. I hate how so many people act like if you made it this long suffering alone and hiding, then it should be fine to go on doing that forever. I'm so glad you know you have a community now and I'm sorry for all the pain that comes with late diagnosis.
I was diagnosed at 49, after my marriage fell apart and my whole life had gone to shit. I can relate to everything said above because it could be describing me. I'm sorry we (and many others) had to endure decades trying to function in neurotypical society with an unknown disability.
That said, my diagnosis has been an incredibly liberating experience because now I know I'm not a slacker or a loser, just autistic. I hope everyone on the spectrum can get the information and validation that they need to live a full and satisfying life. ✊
Hey Irene. Thankyou for openly sharing about your expereince with meltdowns. I was just diagnosed with autism in July and also have adhd that I was diagnosed with last October. I'm also a late diagnosed woman as I am 39 yrs old.
I can't tell you how validating this video has been for me. It couldn't have come at a better time actually as I have just moved house and I've had a number of internal and semi-external meltdowns the past week or so. Change in environment is a MASSIVE trigger for me as my whole world feels like it tips off its axis and unfortunately, I've had to move several times in the past 2 years due to moving interstate and renting. It's literally been a nightmare. 😪
Each time I have a meltdown (which is a lot in any given week as I have many triggers) I feel like I dissociate and lose myself over again to the point where I feel disconnected however I expereince HYPERsensitivity not HYPOsensitivity. I wish I felt nothing but I feel EVERYTHING and I want that to go away. How can I make the feelings numb and go away?
I hold a lot of shame about my autism and not just because of my internalised meltdowns. I'm a grown woman with kids and I should have it all together, right?
This week, I have to deferr my studies in psychology because of reasons that I can't easily describe, and it's killing me. It's deeply wounding me. I have learnt that I don't have the brain functionality for the university as I can't conceptualise what needs to be done and I don't know hpw to di statistics because I ha e dyscalculia and dyslexia.
@@thatmumwithautismDon't be too hard on yourself. Late diagnosis is a lot to process. I would know, I'm still doing it myself. And you've got a lot of your plate as a mom even without the frequent moves. Just breathe.
I know hypersensitivity is not making anything easier, but you DON'T want to be numb. Just breathe. Make sure to take time for self care when you feel overwhelmed. Stim, scream if you are in a place where it's safe to do that and it helps, do whatever helps you take a little bit out of your bucket.
Deterring your studies is not quitting, it's taking a break. It's only quitting if you never go back to it and right now you sound like you're juggling a lot of responsibilities and that all adds to your bucket. Just breathe.
You don't know me, and I hope I'm not overstepping. You just seem like you're having a time and I wanted to let you know I read your comment, and I care. And I'm rooting for you.
@kingrix Thank you. It means a lot to me that you've replied to my comment.
I feel like I'm a failure right now, and I'm not sure what to do. I constantly keep saying to my husband that I feel unsafe in my environment, but he doesn't know how to help. I feel like such a burden.
When I find myself spiralling down into the dark depths of a meltdown after an argument, I suddenly gained some kind of bird perspective, and remembered a sentence to say to yourself,As a way of self-soothing in your head when dark thoughts are spiralling you down. I could hear my own voice telling me very calmly and passionately: “but I do understand you, I do love you, and that is all that matters here, no one else matters, you are not alone, you have yourself, the most important person who loves you is yourself, right?” It really helped fast. I also self hug very strong. I have to admit, that I am not sure if I would have been able to do that before having a child, and having to learn to coregulate his emotions. You learn a lot as a parent… and I also learned soothing my inner child at this moment. Literally visualising comforting your upset hurt child self with a fluffy orange blanket or so. It works so well.
Thank you so much. I will borrow your script and adapt it for myself. Re-parenting the inner-child is important work. ❤
I second this ❤
i remember i had a huge meltdown in front of my now ex boyfriend, which was provoked by an argument we were having. like a month after it he would say things like “yeah that was really traumatic for me” “that whole situation was…” and while i understand that it’s scary for others, he made it all about himself when it was me who was in a moment of crisis, not him. it was so unnecessary for him to say all of that, as if i could help what happened. that story always makes me feel a bit sick to my stomach lol.
I heard the word "derealisation" for the first time this month, and researched only yesterday on it. I've been describing this for years to doctors not one of them ever bothered telling me it is a disorder or acknowleged what I was telling.
I can't express myself. I can't find words, any word. I know I used to be able to write and speak but now not only I can't, it physically hurts me. The headaches everytime I try to just THINK are so violent.
I didn't think it could be linked to autism. Listening to this video I realise I never allowed any of my meltdowns to be external. No crying, kepping a straight face, even when alone, in case someone could hear or come. I am so disconnected of my body. And of the reality.
I will now try to be aware of my needs and let them out. I have a meltdown every two weeks I won't be able to continue like that for long without consequences. But I don't know what an external meltdown will be like for me. (just writing this hurts my head so much)
Thank you for sharing. This helped me a lot.
Uff. You want a virtual hug?
The derealisation and the headaches both sound worrying and serious. Do you think you can keep on trying to find a doctor who listens to you?
@@nephistar thank you. I will take your message as the virtual hug.
As for your question, I don't know. It's extremely hard for me to search for a new doctor, to make an appointement and then to try and explain. So far, not one of them knew or cared. I use so much energy to try I don't have enough to be ignored or gaslight again
@@someoneoutthere0h00 I feel that in my bones! It's so hard to keep trying when you're being dismissed again and again. 🥲 What you are describing makes me think of the freeze response. When your brain perceives a threat and decides to allocates all your energy to survival, so it turns off all the other functions. It makes everything so difficult, like your brain is working against you.
As a later diagnosed adult, I honestly don't know if I really had what would qualify as an external meltdown in childhood. I did cry and have some self harm behaviours, but it was never really super intense. That said, I have really bad perseveration where I mentally berate myself really intensely in times of stress. It's like my system gets hijacked. The hypo/hypersensitivity thing is something I still haven't figured out quite yet, too. I definitely don't have a wide emotional range. It's anxiety, depression, or empty neutrality/void/meh.
Same here 😔
I relate to this a lot. I am diagnosed with type 1 asd, but I can’t remember a whole lot of external meltdowns, even as a kid. I do relate to periods of intense depersonalization, some hyposensitivity, and occasional desires to self-harm, as well as berating myself constantly. I haven’t had any horrible periods of depersonalization/derealization recently, but I struggle a lot with the harsh internal criticism.
Same
omfg, SAAAAAME!! 😭🤕❤️
same here there are a few times as a young kid where i can look back and ask myself if it was a meltdown or not. i’m on a self discovery journey and ik im fs neurodivergent but i’ve had a constant struggle between what i might be and this channel and this community has been very validating for me i hope anyone else who is confused or feels like an imposter can reach a sense of pride and validation in who they truly are ❤️❤️
I personally don't have aggressive meltdowns anymore but they were very bad in primary school. But for that I'm no longer able to feel real anger. The therapist said I wouldn't allow myself to feel that way because of fear of an aggressive meltdown. But I have internalized meltdowns sometimes with a lot of self hatret and only if I'm alone I sometimes experience external meltdowns with a lot of sadness or fear (a bit like a panic attack but because of sensory overload). The last external I had was actually while informing myself about autism. In the video was a mother who really cared about her autistic son and could really help him and my brain just wasn't able to handle with it because it was so different for me and I felt what I would have felt in the same situation and that was too much for my brain and it got into panic mode and I cried for a while.
Sometimes I feel like we can see when a meltdown is imminent and shutdown before we get to the point of melting down
@@thethoughtspot222 I am like almost always in a mode of shutdown and feel a bit as disconnected from my emotions and my environment as you have described. It's just too funny if your grandparents tell you that others have it worse because you don't have these aggressive meltdowns. What they don't know is what it costs. And that I still have meltdowns but only in a form they can't see. Even my parents don't know that because I fear their judgement. And also I have always been told that I just want to get attention while I just didn't want. That judgement really hurt me.
I remember a couple years ago I decided that I was gonna start dealing with those "anger issues" that I was always told that I have - this was really just meltdowns and reactive abuse that manifested as a lot of screaming and crying. I didn't realize that I was actually just suppressing my emotions until I was physically incapable of feeling anger. I'd feel the anger coming on because of something shitty that was said or done to me and then I'd go completely emotionally numb. It wasn't just anger too, all my other emotions just felt duller. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I had a breakdown a couple months into this numbness.
Anywho, something that really helped me process what was happening and heal was the realization that anger was a secondary emotion. The anger was a result of a primary reaction that I was ignoring, usually hurt, fear, etc. Addressing those primary emotions as well as what, and who was causing them really helped me develop a healthier relationship with my anger.
Edit: I'd just like to clarify that when I call anger a secondary emotion, I don't mean that it is less important than other emotions. I mean that it is usually a byproduct of something else.
@@simply_nebulous I did always think that I had anger issues and was in therapy because of that. A couple of years ago, my parents told me that I'm on the spectrum.
I also can't feel real anger anymore!! As a kid I expressed it a lot and was constantly punished for it. I got beaten down, over and over again, and eventually my body realized that anger was not a safe emotion to feel. So instead I just end up feeling sad or overwhelmed and focus the energy internally.
I wasn’t allowed to express any emotion as a child. I do remember I started rebelling as a teen by shouting at my parents, because I was finally too big for corporal punishment. I did have one colossal meltdown when I was 21, and visiting home from college, where I sank to the floor and pulled out several clumps of my own hair (both fists full). My shut down mother and brother kept delivering attacking with shame, calling me “dramatic”, when my dad rushed in to stop me. I’m so glad times have changed for us all. It’s finally safe for me to accept my needs and meltdowns as a 53 year old. Externalizing is key. It’s taken my lifetime to allow it. Thank you for this post. ❤❤❤❤❤
14:40 I have a line in one of my poems, "the stone she could not spit out sat in her heart"..reminds me of this
Oh my gosh. I was locked in a room by a teacher for similar reasons in elementary school and broke into a nonverbal meltdown. Is this something we all went through as autistic children?? This video was validating on so many levels. Thank you for everything that you do.
Yes!! I got locked in my room 2 stories up as a kid because of a "" tantrum"".... I'm not diagnosed but the levels of distress and bubbling frustration and discomfort I felt on a daily basis makes me think its not just neurotypical" oo I'm being rude rn cuz I can!!1!".
I remember being manhandled or touched all the fucking time, like grabbing my hand, grabbing and carrying my whole body, etc. I would always run away obviously and was called a" demon child" like...... Girl.......
And now whenever I go downstairs I can feel that bubbling feeling, and if I feel it too much, for example if someone tries to make conversation with me, I sprint back into my room to sit in silence there instead. I have never broken anything, but I have such an urge to just smash shit but I won't because as a kid I just got punished worse for any show of "" "negative" "" emotion
Looking back into my experience going to a special education school for children aged 4-5. I realize a little boy was mostlikely having these meltdowns. The teachers responded to that by restraining him into a chair, not really having any kind of comforting words to say to him. Times might have changed now but that does seem like such a bad aproach from literal special education teachers who should be trained on how to deal with this properly. It can't be easy but there must be better ways that don't further stress out children and invalidates their experience.
Oh god, my poor brother, I just remembered we used to seat-belt him to the dinner chair because he wanted to stand or walk around while eating but his feeding tube was stationary and we didn't want him to rip it out of his stomach. And he would cry so much, this poor boy. He had a lot of meltdowns and we just didn't know what to do for him a lot of the time because he's Deaf and nonverbal. He's 28 and in assisted living now and I haven't seen him in two years because of the distance and the pandemic. I miss him a lot. And now I know why it's always been so much easier for me to relate to him than our other brother, because it turns out I'm almost definitely autistic too while our brother is the sole neurotypical of the three of us lol
I never had a meltdown at school as a kid. Almost daily at home until I learned to prep clothes and such the night before, calling every single day, “the worst day of my life,” until my family made a joke out of it. But I would literally have nightmares about being at school and having some kind of explosive behavior that, in my mind, there was no coming back from. Repressed stress I suppose 🙃
❤ I was restrained too in school and my mum picked me up emotion less
I have chronic health problems too
Not having "typical" external meltdowns is a major reason for me to doubt my autism diagnosis even though my psychiatrist clearly confirmed my former self dignosis. I recognise my experience in your description of why you internalised them and how it lead to chunks of memory missing/beeing very cloudy. This is the first time hearing clearly about internalised meltdowns (not "just" diffenent kinds/coping mechanisms). Thank you for giving me this information. It is very useful for organising my thoughts an understanding my feelings. Maybe I can even recognize my own meltdowns in the future an call them that instead of a panic attack/not beeing able to think or other vague desriptions of my distress :)
Thank you for making the space and time for this video despite your pain and whatever else is going on in your life. These videos really mean a lot and help so many people connect with and validate who they truly are. Thank you Irene and I'm hoping you feel better soon and take as much time as you need for your mental and physical health🖤
As someone who has lived with chronic pain for 4 years, I appreciate hearing from other people who struggle with similar symptoms and experiences. It gives me hope that despite my unexplained symptoms being debilitating and disabling at times, I could still maybe do some of the things you do. Especially as someone who, like you, is autistic.
I have had chronic pain for over 20 years without diagnosis despite seeking help. The daily pain even on good days is hard but I want to encourage you to go for your passions. I have done so much in my life and know that people living with chronic pain or other struggles are caple of so many amazing things. Please be brave and also be kind to yourself.
@@DearTamela Thank you for sharing, both of you. And what an encouraging message. I'm also finding this to be true. I wish for a diagnosis but I guess rather not get the wrong one either, so in the meantime, am gonna have to live the best I can - including taking it easy as much as needed. Take care. God bless!
man. ive never been able to have an external meltdown in front of someone. if I start to all I can think about is them seeing and me scaring them. thank you for giving me hope and comfort
I was diagnosed as autistic last year, a month before turning 41. I had gone through my whole life not understanding me and not understanding why I am so different to everyone else. Meltdowns and shutdowns are something I am still trying to understand and work through. Thank you for taking the time to share your own experiences and help others to understand these things. I also wanted to say, I have always generally been a quiet and shy person and I don't think I had many instances of meltdowns but I do remember a few instances of what I have always thought was just rage after being pushed too far. I was bullied a lot and sometimes would hold the anger and sadness from that inside for months or even years at a time. So inevitably, there would come a time when something or someone would trigger me and everything came out in one explosive outburst. I gave someone a huge black eye once, I remember at times screaming and shouting at the top of my lungs out of anger and maybe thinking that what I am doing is crazy and a too much but at the same time not being able to stop because the emotions needed to come out fully. Maybe these were autistic meltdowns, I don't know for sure. I tend to have shutdowns far more often and hace days where I just want to shut out the outside world and close my personal space down as small as possible so that I feel safe. I am still in the process of understanding all of it. I had a lot of experiences of shutting off from the world when I felt threatened or overwhelmed. The best way to explain it is that it felt like my body was a protective shell and my inner person could shrink down inside when needed. Like a turtle going into its shell. It felt like I would shrink down inside and my body ran on autopilot while I was safely encased inside. I would only communicate in a very quiet, simple manner at these times. It was my way of protecting myself at times that I had no other way.
Thank you for helping me to understand this. You're amazingly strong. Keep going!
I can relate to your post!
I'm 45 and was just diagnosed with ADHD and ASD this summer. I'm just beginning to realize how much I masked, how much I suffered from low self esteem, and how often my reactions to stress were in fact meltdows or shutdowns... The main problem with being diagnosed so late in life after decades of intense masking is that I really struggle to reconnect with stimming, I still don't know what could help me regulate, and as a result I experience meltdowns on a regular basis - almost every week (intense "ugly" and loud crying, with clenched fists, first in a curled up position, and then suddenly a need to move all over the place, usually moving my arms in all directions to suppress the urge to hit my own head...). Now that I am educated about autism and understand my needs, I dont want to suppress my meltdowns anymore: when I'm home I juste let it out and 30/45 minutes later I'm perfectly calm, but most of them happen at work.. I generally go to the toilet to hide and try to regulate, but I can't be noisy so it's never enough. I thought that on those days I could at least "delay it" and let it out when i'm home in the evening, but I see now that a long day of keeping it inside just makes it impossible : it transforms into an internal tension that just stays there indefinitely and drains all of my energy ><
Anyway, thanks for your work, it's been really helping me.
I have found many communities online and feel so much less alone now ❤
I'm still in the beginning of my journey, but I must say that even just being diagnosed and learning about other autistic peoples' experiences has helped me SO MUCH to understand myself and feel less ashamed or "inadequate". Understanding I am allowed to feel what I feel, to be different, and to adapt my life to MY needs is really life changing 😳... after 45 years of forcing myself to be "normal" and feeling like I was a lesser person for not succeding 😢
Thank you for sharing your experiences! I’m glad you’ve found this understanding of yourself. I was diagnosed with ADHD and self-diagnosed (after the suggestion of my therapist) with autism earlier this year, too. I really relate to your last paragraph. I hope your journey to reconnect with your stims is successful - best of luck with everything, internet stranger. 💛
Growing up realizing you can't trust the people you're supposed to trust most isn't easy. Glad you found yourself and are able to explain it so clearly. I can definitely relate.
i think this video might have changed my life. ive been thinking about it every day. im 30 years old. i was diagnosed with CPTSD last year and ive been attributing everything to that. lately, ive been suspecting i might be autistic. this video is the first time ive ever heard someone exactly describe the "outbursts" ive had since kindergarten. i was kicked out of multiple grades despite having perfect grades. they were also described as "temper tantrums." ive felt intense shame my entire life over them.
thank you for helping me connect the dots with this.
I have both PTSD and autism.
It's so validating to see you get emotional when talking about these things, because I frequently get the same way when talking about my personal issues and it makes people very uncomfortable. I just learned not to talk about my feelings at all, because I know I can't control my emotional response to it lol
Gentle reminder, you don't have to follow up hard feeling admissions with lol. It's not funny, and it doesn't have to be in order for you to be valid. Ily, we get better together.
hells yes. i called suicide hotline last week to exlain everything that ever wen wrong in my life and how i purposely made friends with the awful kids who abused me, not the normal kids, and she told me "well im not so sure i know what normal is". nice. so if i had called about having been molested by a pedo, then that behavior is normal too? wtf is the dsm iv then
@@aurieamoore5823so true. Practicing not making everything “lol” and practicing to stop saying sorry for everything are very needed for kind people
As far as the 'lol' goes I will laugh awkwardly with you. Sometimes I laugh so that I don't cry. *hugs* for you if you like them.
why yall ignoring me@@tifat5105
Internal meltdowns last so long compared to external ones. I can be crying off and on all day if i have to work, just postponing the feelings. It feels aweful. When i dont feel comfortable to express the overwhelming feelings.
Hi Irene, thank you so much for making this video. I understand it is such a vulnerable topic and the fear of how others will perceive the information is scary. But your videos have meant so much to me as a fellow autistic ex-ABA therapist. I had been internalizing my meltdowns for years up until my time in ABA where my body hit a breaking point from watching my clients have meltdowns because of unrealistic demands I was expected to place on them as part of my job. My meltdowns now manifest externally or physically passing out if I try to dissociate from my body.
Thank you.
My mother.used to brutally mock my meltdowns. My whole family did it, but for some reason I expected more from her. In retrospect, I realize she was least capable of supporting me in any way.
I think it's dodgy for a teacher to literally lock a child in a room. Barring autism, claustrophobic people exist! It's basic knowledge that you don't just randomly lock ANYONE into a room because they could have a panic attack and I'm surprised that teacher didn't get reprimanded
I didn’t realize how often I’ve been having internalized meltdowns, and why the few times I’ve reached out and just cried and rocked back and forth actually seemed to relieve me.
Your timing is immaculate 😅 I’m going through somewhat of a meltdown/shutdown right now. I always see these comments, but guess today’s my day 😓
Someone hard triggered my OCD/OCD-like tendencies and provoked me more to react 😑 Purposely provoking me and forcing me to be the “crazy” one happened throughout my childhood. I loathe them for framing my life as a madman when I am inherently a friendly and energetic person. Now I’m just immensely burnt out and constantly exhausted.
100% agree on violent/self-harming stims. I need to “expel” the negative energy/heat elsewhere. Breathing to calm down only works when I’m panicking. Being unable to express oneself (e.g. bottling up emotions) is my best guess for why this type of regulation occurs. Society is controlling as is and forcing people to act neurotypical/heteronormative. Mental health takes a big hit from all of this; going against our inherent nature (which mind you, actually hurts no one smh) causes us such deep harm. I find it extremely difficult to hurt others, and I definitely don’t ever intentionally or “want” to stim in a violent manner to myself. But when the mind and body are pressed to self-regulate after being forced not to for too long by society, it of course happens. Stopping nature from happening is a temporary possibility; it always “corrects” itself.
*About the teacher who went to get the nice teacher, haha…I always scoff at people getting others to wipe their ass when they can’t be responsible enough to recognize their mistakes and do better. And I’m sorry your mother wasn’t supportive/acted like nothing happened. I’ve had similar experiences where I was provoked for reactions and then ignored until I came back from meltdowns/shutdowns and was “needed” to perform tasks/whatever. It hurts every time…I feel like cattle or something 😅
Oh wow (typing as I watch through this part of the video)! I think I developed OCD-like tendencies (not dx’d hence the phrasing) around that age too from the way I was treated. Just like you, I suppressed everything and forcibly stopped all stims. I was full of anger until I began dissociating/dpdr. I started pondering over the meaning of life and took interest in philosophical matters.
I’m definitely not as in touch with my emotions as I was from childhood. I often use media to re-assimilate? The disconnect may be the explanation for why I had even more difficulty with forming thoughts and speech (compared to before, delayed processing?).
I know those waves you’re talking about!! I feel like the sh*t of the earth when someone’s there to support me because I’m being a horrific burden- but I also feel terribly lonely without them. So the meltdown/shutdown cycle loops until the body’s done self-regulating, I guess?
Thank you for sharing, truly ❤️ I’m so glad you’ve found someone who validates and supports you! It’s deeply heartwarming to see your progress 😊
Solidarity in autism and our meltdowns! 👊
I am also irene, I also have autism. I feel trapped by my scripting. I had my last (kinda) small meltdown in a party and I probably lost all my social points with that friend group. I shook and I scratched myself a little bit. But I still wasn't non-verbal and ten minutes before any scratching I had asked them to please not touch me (which they ignored). They then asked me if I wanted to go home... It was a good call but I hated the fact that they never gave me the option to just take a break and come back. They were embarrassed. It's been three weeks and they avoid talking about parties I've seen they are still going to by social media. In general, this has recently made me feel like a child with no agency or power. Thank you, you make me feel understood.
I am getting to know my autistic side now and I also had very awful parents that didn't cater to my needs and I am trying to learn more and I only realised yesterday that I had a meltdown. I only realised this week that meltdowns are what I have always called breakdowns.
Thank you for this. I went into in a complete numb state. I also have OCD so instead of my own thoughts I just had the event that triggered my meltdown play over and over and over again in a loop, which made it even worse.
Thank you so much for this. I feel less abnorbal.
Edit: thank you for describing in detail the crying part too. My parents and other people in my life have always told me that the way I cried so loudly was "attention-seeking". This is why I have always learned to have my "breakdowns" which I know now were always meltdowns, I always run to a bathroom if I am in a place with other people.
Hihihi, Pixiefantasy here... 48 year old female diagnosed formally diagnosed 1.5 years ago. I was misdiagnosed with bi-polar and medicated for that mental health issue instead of a neurodiversity issue or however I'm "supposed " to state that. Learning new language finally that makes sense to me. I relate to this video so much. Internalized meltdowns...I call this " my shadow boxer", beating me up from the inside. I'm currently experiencing autistic burnout and FINALLY have the words
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✌🖤☕🌈
I am diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD. I am glad that I got diagnosed with autism this year at age 47 because now I know that I am having a meltdown and not a mental breakdown. I don't worry as much that I am heading towards a stay in the mental hospital every time I get overly upset.
You read my thoughts?! I also was misdiagnosed…I think my meltdown were the main reason for that, bc I was naive enough to hope that shrinks can help me.
@@Orech-the-Nut Sometimes they can help but they can definitely hurt as well. Choose carefully.
This is such an important video. I’ve never been able to relate to how meltdowns are usually described as much as I did hearing your experience. And the physical affects this kind of stress can have cannot be understated- Seriously, thank you for making this!
I have DID and it interacts with my autism in a lot of ways- I went through many traumatizing things as a child, but the things that impacted me the most were situations that wouldn’t have occurred if I wasn’t autistic.
One of the positives of this is that I’ve learned how to be my own meltdown/flashback partner. My comments already too long so I’m not gonna get too into structural dissociation theory, but I have a part that can be “stable” while another part has the meltdown. This can mean holding my own hand, guiding myself internally, and sometimes even interfering destructive behaviors. It might look weird to others and there’s definitely room for improvement in my coping skills, but it’s super helpful, at least while I’m not comfortable with other people seeing me meltdown
I resonate so much with the fear of being perceived. If I'm stressed out and suppressing tears, the worst thing someone can do is ask if I'm ok or point out that I look nervous. I was in a state of hypersensitivity yesterday after a serious conversation at work during which I got a bit overwhelmed and became tearful. It's very hard for me to readjust and regulate myself again after I get emotionally overstimulated and start to cry, but I had to go to a doctor's appointment, so I was trying my best to turn it off on the car ride over to the doctor's office. As soon as I walked up to register, the receptionist asked if I was ok because I looked nervous and I immediately burst into tears and was so embarrassed. She was such a kind and lovely person and was being very supportive, but I feel like she must've thought I was going through some kind of serious trauma and I didn't know how to explain to her that no, it's nothing serious, I just received very mild criticism at work and that stress was being compounded with the nervous anticipation for the gynecology appointment since I've never had a pelvic exam or pap test before, and I'm just holding a lot of stress in my body because this is just who I am as a person. But yeah, anyway, that's the story of me crying at the gynecologist's office.
Also, it turned out that they didn't accept my insurance, and they were like, hey why don't you just call them quickly to be sure, and I felt too pathetic to tell them that I hate phone calls and they really stress me out and I was worried that I would cry on the phone, so I just did it, because apparently the embarrassment of having to explain that to them overrode the stress of having to make the phone call itself, so I just went into the bathroom where I could pace and stim privately, and I was actually very proud of myself because I was actually able to make the phone call without crying, so that was exciting, and I think it gave me an energy boost for the rest of the day because I went back to work after and I felt really on my game for the first time that whole week. I think that's the longest run-on sentence I've ever written, but for some reason I feels like it has to be that way, so I'm not gonna re-edit it, sorry.
@26 mins, "squeeze my hands" greatest love. He's giving you back your agency. Your hands are no longer balled into fists involuntarily; YOU are squeezing his hands, doing something deliberately. My love to you both! :'-)
This video made me ugly cry. Im 31 and I haven’t been diagnosed with autism but I was diagnosed with adhd and I feel in my heart that I have autism that is difficult to detect because im high masking. I feel like im losing my mind. I feel like my whole life was a lie. I’ve filtered myself so much to make other comfortable that I just don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I like. I’ve been gaslighting myself for so long it’s hard for me to cry. This video released something inside of me that needed processing. I wanted to reach through the screen and give you a hug because I empathize with you so much. I’m so glad you have a partner who understands. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. The world needed this 💕
I really relate to internalized meltdowns. I wasn't allowed to show negative emotions as a child and really relate to having silent internal explosions. Your partner sounds amazing. My partner also grounds me.
When I was a child with undiagnosed autism my teacher would have to physically restrain me when I was having a meltdown so I wouldn’t completely destroy the classroom
I have been like this for as long as I can remember. The hyposensitivity, brain fog, feeling dissociated and depersonalized, not being able to understand or explain feelings, and sometimes not being able to feel anything. I only somewhat externalize meltdowns when I am alone or when I don’t feel like people are paying attention to me. I will do things like pinch and slap myself but I never do these things around people I know well or when I think I’m in a situation where people will notice. Most of the time my brain just doesn’t let me express emotions in front of others or my brain will just shut down my emotions.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m dealing with long standing trauma of being locked in my room as a child. I appreciate your clarity and sharing that page from the book.
Ive lives,alone now for 20+ years, I find it very VERY hard so hard that its now not even easy to cry anymore. I understand that numbness, I was the same painfree numb when I had my tattoos too. When I was a young teen I could stick pins into my leg and not feel a thing. Lifes been a mess indeed. Youre honesty in sharing and seeing you cry actually made me release some tears for the first time in 2 years ...thank you ❤️
Your partner sounds so empathetic and compassionate
I was recently diagnosed (in my 40s) and I've been working up to watching this because I've been having internalized meltdowns for decades and didn't realize that was what was happening. All your videos that I have watched have been helpful, but this one really hit hard. I had a physiological response to your story about being locked in a room by a teacher, I felt myself in that situation and had to take a bit of a break. 💜
Thank you for making this. It was clearly difficult but I appreciate that this is on the internet for people to see and learn from.
I can't even remember having an external meltdown and I think they were internalized so hard it gave me a dissociation disorder
i've absolutely felt entirely disconnected from my body for most of my life. Thank you so much for your vulnerability
Gahh, I really felt for you were describing your childhood meltdown and ripping up the paper, and I really relate to, "We just moved on like nothing was wrong. Only I was wrong." It's so horrible when you're in SO much pain and it's even super obvious because of the crying and screaming and other distressed behaviors, but the people in charge just kinda... walk away and move on. And nothing gets resolved, and you still feel like a freak because it feels like no one around you sees the problem you see, and the problem is so big and so frightening and no one sees it and no one sees *you.*
I also relate to the derealization SO much. I was indeed calling it "brain fog". I recently went to the doctor and got blood taken just to test and see if I had some kind of vitamin deficiency because I was almost constantly too tired and distracted and stressed to focus on anything except my special interests. It was genuinely hard to even feel things towards other stuff, and I began to resent my job for having all these dumb rules that made no sense, like you mentioned, and wondering why I bothered to show up and knowing that the reason was because I need the money and resenting that fact as well. ><
For now, I'm just letting this out and processing the things I'm learning about autism and how it affects me? And this video helped a LOT. Thank you for sharing.
Ditto ❤
Thank you for your candid and raw honesty, Condolences for the pain you've been through. I internalized meltdowns after I was corporeally punished by my mother for a violent one and she said I was stupid (for the meltdown). They became externalized again after years of psychological abuse, I had a partner living with me who threatened to break up with me if I didn't stop my autism. They pushed meltdowns and trauma triggers repeatedly until I was in a state of hair-trigger external, incredibly violent meltdowns. I didn't know how to control it, I was disgusted with myself. I saw myself as the abuser even though the triggers were obvious, avoidable, and I did everything I could to handle it. I begged for 10 minutes to calm down, I begged for alone-time, I begged for better communication, slower and more patient communication rather than contantly being thrown on the defensive. I ended up homeless and couch-hopping. I ended up back with my family. My Mom continued to violate basic boundaries. Knocking before opening the door. Giving me time alone to process emotions. Being allowed to put a conversation on pause, etc. She didn't respect that while we were still under considerable stress. I was paying 100% of the household bills, bleeding my meager savings because my income was 200$ less than the monthly bills. She didn't understand my full-grown adult meltdowns. I am now ZERO contact with past abusers or people who cannot respect boundaries. I used to self-harm daily to keep meltdowns 'internalized' and got labeled with BPD. I'm now 2 years free of self-harm. I'm 2 years free of unsupportive and abusive people. My body's numbness and dissociation has faded and now I'm more aware than ever of how much pain I've been in for years not really knowing how bad it is. The doctors have no real solutions. They've only advised OTC pain-killers and simultaneously chastized me for taking so many OTC tylenol & ibuprofen.
I share this for anyone in a similar situation who's confused and struggling, and in fashion of sharing a similar experience to share I can relate. I'm not looking for sympathy or consolation or congratulations. Thank you.
I have self harmed as well. I rarely do that anymore. Once a year or less. I was labeled BPD as well even though I didn't meet the criteria. It was bullshit. And harmful to me.
Condolences! While I found DBT helpful that was only because of the DBT therapist I had at the time. A lot of DBT therapists use withdrawal of warmth and refuse to validate the emotions of the client which seems against the basic tenants of DBT to me but I guess what do I know lol. The BPD label was incredible harmful, the stigma around the disorder indicates intentional and precalculated manipulations which isn't even part of the criteria. I've never been able to get diagnosed with autism, but a psychiatrist will take just 15 minutes with me and decide that it's BPD without asking about my history of relationships.
It seems to be that doctors think that self-harm can only ever be a symptom of BPD and never just a symptom of distress, trauma, etc. I hope you've been able to find more helpful ways@@Catlily5
@@thatautodidact2371 I found DBT to be more helpful than harmful when I had a good DBT therapist as well. Luckily I had her for longer. I had a couple of bad DBT therapists and some very bad psych hospital stays.
I agree that the mental health professionals thinking that self harm is only due to BPD is total bullshit. I don't even meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD. I also at that point had several friendships from 5 to 10 years long.
The hospital would say I was manipulative and borderline because I was desperate and scared due to PTSD and meltdowns. They thought I was trying to manipulate them by melting down. I was freaking out because I thought a meltdown was a mental health breakdown and that I needed psychiatric help.
When I was outpatient the counselors would comment that I did not seem borderline.
It was a huge mess. I am currently diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar and Autism. I only got diagnosed with autism this year at age 47.
It has been helpful to me because it explains things that the mental health diagnoses didn't explain. They were only a partial explanation and my progress was very slow. I do believe that I am both mentally ill and autistic ( 70% of autistic people have a mental illness as well). But treating the mental illness only is missing half or more of the picture.
I hope you can get diagnosed correctly.
Thanks for sharing!
This came at the perfect time for me. Literally just this week I learned what internalized meltdowns were and it was SUCH a revelation. Thank you so much for this
I have chronic pain too and it is so hard even on good days. I really appreciate you being so honest and open, it makes me feel more comfortable doing similarly in my content. I am trying to get tested for autism but am certain I have it and I also feel very emotional about how much harder things are having to hide for so long. Now that I've excepted being autistic I find myself experiencing things more like I did as a small child. Hearing autistic stories make me feel seen in a way I have never felt before. I like that you acknowledge that meltdowns are both normal but also are hard on those close to us. Self harm seen in this light really is healing. I've been restrained in meltdown and the feeling was terrifying and traumatic.
that teacher sounds like someone who should have nothing to do with children
Girl, your pain resonates with me. I am in the same position. People who don’t have the struggle can’t possibly begin to understand…unless they know or love someone with it and have educated themselves on what it is. I have this struggle. My own parents still call it “emotional” instead of accepting this for what it is. Heads in the sand.
It's so sad too. I wish people would try to understand, I wish people could understand. When I have a meltdown its because I was always highly emotional and feel deeply emotionally impacted because one of my core beliefs is being heavily in tune with my emotions, so when something affects me. It affects me 100x as much because I always saw that as a normal way of going through life. To live life deeply and fully, I was genuinely shocked when others don't live like that.
Just found you and second video I'm watching. I realized I was on the spectrum at 35. I have extreme chronic pain in my neck, shoulders, back. I feel its how I dealt with my melt downs. I'd hold it all in, go nonverbal. Now as I look back on it all, no wonder I have so much pain now. Looking forward to the future where I can let out feelings proper...release that wont hurt me? With no judgement...because the judgement is how I've gotten to this point, crippled by pain and bottling it all in. Hopefully we can all feel ourselves one day!
I honestly don't even know if I am autistic... that's my biggest problem. Some people really close to me say they can see it but then my coworkers tell me no way and my therapist (who doesn't specialize in autism) says I would be high functioning if I am. I don't know anymore and I get confused/nervous when I watch your videos thinking that maybe I am making it all up, but I love your videos you seem so sweet
Neurotypical people don't spend a lot of time and energy worrying about wether they are autistic or not. Nobody is inventing problems, if you struggle and if life seems way more difficult than everyone around you, there is definitely something up. Now, it could be something else, as anxiety disorders or CPTSD/ADHD symptoms can overlap with ASD. Do not trust therapists that are not specialized or willing to read recent studies, I myself have a psychology degree and we had 2 hours on autism over the course of 5 years, and it was only about little white rich boys. One therapist even told me I couldn't be autistic because I managed to get a master's degree in psychology... a lot of them have no idea what they are talking about and just pretend they do. If you can afford it, find a specialized therapist. Otherwise, I would advise you to look up all the symptoms of ASD, and make a list of the things you could never explain about yourself and your interaction with other people/the times you felt different from the people around you, all your mental/physical health struggles and bring that list to your therapist. Also, if possible, ask your family if they think some things were "odd" with you as a young child. Look up videos on early signs in childhood, they often (not always!) manifest with tiptoe walking until late/t-rex arms/clumsiness/having to cut all the tags from your clothes/difference in speech development/fussiness around food/intense interests in some topics/collecting objects/... Hope this is helpful and not overwhelming... and hope you will find some answers
@@belindabitz Thank you so much! I’ll definitely do try some of this. At the very least it’ll stop me from worrying
Occupational Therapist here! A lot of the work that we do for people with ASD dual/triple diagnosis is focused on sensory processing. The way that your partner helps you regulate - in terms of physical input (not just co-regulation) is very much consistent with what we understand about how the nervous system responds to deep pressure and physical activity. As a society I dont think we do a good job of showing people rhe different options that are available for coping and regulating, but they are infinite and you can experiment with them! 😊 That's what's so great about occupational therapy - you can have a safe space to try things out and listen to your body.
I'm 24 yo and got diagnosed last year. Watching this video and reflecting on my own experiences made me realize that I have at least two different kinds of meltdowns. They are either triggered by feeling scared/ confused and not having any control which leads to intense fear/crying etc. The other ones happen when im very overstimulated and irritated / hungry and they are so violent and filled with rage that i feel like i want to hurt everybody around me. (So having someone help me is not an option lol) Though meltdowns cant be avoided knowing what they are and knowing my triggers has really helped. Tysm for making videos about these topics 💜
Blocking the door when someone is trying to get out is like a basic tactic for escalating a situation and making someone panic. That teacher should never do that to anyone, the result is never good. A lot of domestic violence starts because of that kind of situation where someone is being physically blocked into a room, because the feelings and vulnerability escalates so quickly.
This video is one of the most validating experiences I've had in 32 years... thank.you.so.much. from a one-week-diagnosed Autistic woman with an autoimmune chronic illness ❤
Im sorry you are in so much pain. I also struggle with chronic pain and one of the things that took my pain experience from 100 down to 15 is the work of Dr. Sarnos-books and a documentary called "All the Rage". I was bedridden for 4 years and now am not..at all.... some pain, some occasional headaches but nothing, NOTHING like what I lived with. Tan you for sharing. My internalized meltdowns have been a horror show and now knowing its me but not me, I feel so much relief.
Your eloquence and vulnerability are amazing to me
Thank you for sharing. I have carried so much shame regarding my meltdowns. I scream and yell. It does scare people around me. I just dont have anyone i can trust so touching me makes the melt down worse. This is the first time i have heard of internalized meltdowns. I would have to do this at work and in public, but as i have aged, that mask breaks down sometimes. Remote work saved me. Covid is hearbreaking. I lost my mom, but the slow down of society and ability to work from home saved me.
I really appreciate the honesty of your videos. I felt so much shame and i have so much gratitude for you letting me know i am not alone.
at 12:06, when you're describing feeling you were the problem .... i had such similar experiences in early life, of not being comforted but instead punished. thank you for your vulnerability and your honesty. this video is actively changing my life for the better. /g
ironically, 12/06 is my anniversary w my (very loving) autistic spouse
Thank you. Life is overwhelming for autistic people. I am autistic man. When I had a meltdown, I would shout, punch myself, and then quietly cry in my room.
My melt downs have always been called tantrums up until less the a year ago when I fell hard into masking. What’s funny about this is because my cousin (was diagnosed autistic at a young age) was having the same breakdowns I was having over the same stuff, while I got yelled at he got coddled and pisses me off all the time. I’m not a diagnosed autistic, but I’ve done research and I. Going to see a specialist at some point and once I get a diagnosis imma rub it in my family face how badly they treated me.
Another thing that pisses me off is how they use my cousin (the one previously mentioned) as an insult, like one time I was talking on about a topic, for liek hours I think and my mom was just like “your acting a lot like_____ right now” in a l disgusted tone I hate double standards when it comes to male and female in the mental health system.
I could go on and on about it (I was about to) but basically my issues don’t seem to be taken as seriously s my male counter parts (I have like 3 diagnosis) and it really starting to piss me off when people say I don’t look like I could have adhd or autism (I’m a walking stereotype, but ya know, born female) purely for the fact that I’m not a male child (got told that to my face by medical professionals 💀
My only word of caution is to be careful rubbing it in your family’s face when you do get diagnosed. Some people will still treat you the same and invalidate you even with a diagnosis. It sounds really satisfying and would be 100000% justified, but just be careful.
I also wasn't diagnosed and my mother doesnt support my selfmed thinks of me as junkie and that I make up my disability and chronic pain, Im actually unsure if Ill make it past this winter since I cant afford housing and because im undiagnosed for physically debilitating disorders at this point, I try to survive for 5 years now and im just 22, never had chance to actually go trhough right puberty and develop but im undiagnosed so im choosing to live like this in eyes of society and authorities so they won't help me
@@maya_void3923 I feel your pain, I pray you get a safe and stable place to stay and are able to get diagnosed to get the proper help. It's hard out here for us undiagnosed females who are great at masking. It's really hard. You'll make it through I believe you are strong, strong enough to get this far and strong enough to keep going.
I think part of the different treatment for the diagnosed kid is the “power struggle” that so many neurotypicals are constantly in.
It’s scary how many neurotypical people will accuse their own literal TODDLERS of “being manipulative.”
Having an official diagnosis seems to cut some of that down.
Had a similar experience but with my older brother being the one who got diagnosed. I was known as the “lazy child” and the amount of times I’d be told to “stop acting autistic” and that I had no excuse to act like my brother did was insane… Only to later find out my parents were told to get me tested by my school as a child! I got my adhd diagnosis (likely have autism too) a few years ago and my mom’s initial reaction was that I must’ve “fooled” the test somehow but I will say she has educated herself and is a lot more supportive now though that doesn’t change the childhood trauma it gave me😐
I'm glad you found your partner after experiences such as that you commented about that horrible teacher.
Yes about “people pushing you into a meltdown“ . It is so true. Thank you for saying this. I was teased and sat on. By my caregivers. It creates anger even in a neurotypical
i cried when you described your external physical meltdown because i feel i have experienced that very thing or something similar to it and ive always felt ashamed of it because i would throw things and it almost felt like i had little control over my actions but i knew i needed to let it out . ive had many moments like this in my life and im unsure if i just have anger issues or dont know how to handle high levels of stress but thankyou for sharing this , you dont understand how not alone you just made me feel 🥺🫶🏽 i apprecaite you ! ✨️
My mind is kind of blown that there is a whole world of people who have had this experience and it's not just me. Feels pretty validating actually.
What now I know is a meltdown, is this increasing wave growing inside of me. I can hold it for a while but at some point it just breaks. In my case it's also mostly instense crying and almost screaming until I am tired and cannot do it anymore. And I hate the fear and confusion that causes in people around me. Since I've started to pay more attention to my body and feelings I've managed to notice that before a meltdown there is this extremely unpleasant feeling inside... something like suffocationg or dread. I started remembering that when I was a kid the same feeling happened when for example during playing with kids and messing around someone would impare my movement. Like the most vivid example I remember was when my neighbourhood friend locked me with some pillows within an armchair. I had exactly this feeling that I have to get out that it has to stop now.
My partner is my safest person tho even he doesn't always know what to do and what is happening and especially when to stop doing a thing that he was doing before my meltdown. I started to talk with him about it. I don't want him to be scared or confused or feel like it's his fault. But I need him to understand that when this is happening to me, everything has to stop. It's not about him. I am not running away from a difficult convsersation or a problem. It's about my body reacting. And while it might be that our interaction connected with other circumstance has triggered the meltdown, it's really not possible to foresee all possible triggers and prevent them all and sometimes it will happen.
The good part is that my meltdowns are much more rare in recent times. I guess, me realising that I need to rest more after things that are more taxing for me, might have a lot to do with that. I now have the language to explain that it might seem I am not doing much on the outside so people don't understand why do I need the rest, yet my body doesn't lie - if it's tired or overstimulated there is a reason and it's valid even if it's only specific to me and no one else around me. I also started to stim conciously when I feel a meltdown coming and it helps a lot. It can still happen but the intensity will be less taxing for me.
When I have an internalized meltdown, it is like a breaker goes off, and I am very calm on the outside no matter what I am feeling.
Your description of your partner gives me some hope in humanity. I don't have anyone like this in my life and I'm glad you do.
This video made me cry with you😢 I had a meltdown today and my older brother is one of my biggest triggers bc he goes straight to violence even when someone confronts him in a respectful manner. Anyway, my mom does not understand me at all and she says things that are just so invalidating and it frustrates me. I don't feel like I can go to her but I want to so bad I want her to hold me and tell me it will be okay but she unintentionally says all the wrong things and triggers me even more. Although I'm not diagnosed with autism, I relate to this video completely and I think if I show her this and tell her this is exactly how I feel and what I need maybe she will understand a little bit. So thank you so much for being vulnerable and open about this difficult topic. You are so strong and an inspiration to others, myself included. Much love❤️
Every day I accumulate more bullet points in the "hey you might actually be autistic" list. This is SO close to home for me...
❤ this is so moving, thank you. If my daughter did things like rip up paper i'd sit with her, and rip up some paper too, or if it was maybe an object we wouldnt want broken id give her something it was ok to break / tear safely. It would turn into a kind of quiet activity we were doing together and help her transition, she would be able to open up and move through her emotions because we were doing it together.
Thank you for sharing. This is actually very informative and your channel means a lot to me. My partner is autistic and he benefits most from somatic therapy type stuff. I try to be as validating and helpful as possible but I myself get triggered by loud noises due to my own sensory issues and trauma. As a result when he yells (never at me), throws things, hits himself punches walls, etc. It definitely has an effect on us both. We’re still trying to work out what works best but so far we’re finding that giving each other space to process and regulate ourselves in the same house but different areas is helpful. Additionally, bike rides clear his head, dancing in VR, or having a safe thing to throw, punch or break are super helpful. Still working through the kinks but totally relate and very grateful. It takes a lot of courage to put this out there and I definitely admire you for that. Keep keeping on. You have my support from afar! Hope you have a great rest of your week!
What a great candid video. I have never heard anyone explain a meltdown. Your honesty and vulnerability while being very factual and honest is refreshing. I am learning a lot and thinking more about what people go through and thinking about my own needs. Thank you… ❤
I have my guitars on the wall too! Meltdowns for me feel like depression. But I also have times when I throw a fit and yell about everything . People get scared . Sometimes I get panic attacks . I also did photography in college . We are similar in so many ways . ❤️
Girl…when you started talking about your support with your partner, I even teared up. As a nurse with ASD, it warms my heart that you have such an empathetic partner you can lean on for support! ❤️
Hey Irene!
Thank you for your vulnerability. I feel your pain too. I used to be external with my meltdowns as a kid, but everyone--including myself, thanks to internalizing people's views of me--thought I was just attention seeking or making drama when there didn't need to be. I learned to internalize it.. and its an immense internal pain--sometimes physical, in my chest, that can only be expressed in quiet by myself and the cries are physically painful. Violent stims are also a problem and I wish that there was someone near me to help me with it so I don't hurt myself.. I just want patience from others.. patience and understanding that I am not a bad person, or troubled, or scary, or needing to be told how to behave.. because I feel a deep sense of shame when I am in those moments because here I am 35 and breaking down like a toddler would. I've had many family, who don't understand, witness me and shame me for them.. or scold me like a child to straighten up and stop embarrassing them.
Its an isolating experience... and I am glad that your channel exists.. its helped me not feel so alone in what I feel and deal with. and given me advice in how to navigate my experiences in a more helpful way than hurting myself..
Thank you for being so brave to talk about this!
I think I had meltdowns as a teen but I don't remember much about that time - but at least I remember something similar; maybe a contributing factor is that I kinda quit life and avoid all kinds of conflicts which is also not healthy at all... In adult life my body's main reaction to stress and overstimulation is shutdowns, selective mutism, burnout and slowly drifting towards depression.
I'm not sure if you will see this comment. Thank you for all the amazing work and energy you put into your podcast and videos. I cried listening to this one, especially after having a session with my therapist where she said "I'd like to recommend a psychologist to evaluate you for ADHD or autism". It felt like a relief of "oh my gosh, maybe I'm NOT crazy?" And after hearing this episode, a lot of things from my childhood, adolescence and even adult hood (26) make sense now. I always felt like I cant function like a "normal" person could even tho I do my best and now I may finally be able to get the diagnosis to help me in the right direction. You've been such a beautiful blessing in the community and I cant thank you enough for all you do💓✨️
It took me a long time to find someone who wasn't freaked out by my meltdowns.
I relate so much with your experience, being hyposensitive because you’re so disconnected and internalizing your meltdowns, the correlation between it. I can only now allow myself to externalize my meltdowns since I have my autism and adhd diagnosis. I feel a little less alone when I can have my meltdown with my partner. I noticed this is one of the healthiest ways to navigate my meltdowns as he is also very empathetic and nurturing. He allows me to express what I’m feeling even though it may look ‘much’, just being able to talk through it with someone who understands what’s going on can help a lot. I know having someone like that isn’t for everyone.. otherwise writing down what you’re feeling and experiencing to allow your feelings to ‘be there’ and give a place to what you’re feeling is a good way to somewhat cope with those internalized meltdowns. Thanks again Irene for sharing your experience with us.
You described my entire high school experience thank you for sharing it hurts all the time but I can't describe it
Thank you for sharing vulnerable moments, your videos are helping SO MANY PEOPLE! You truly are making such an impact. You are loved and appreciated ☺️💕
i love your channel i don’t feel so alone knowing i’m not the only one that feels this way to .
Hey Irene, I recently found your channel. You have no idea how much it helps me just to know that I’m not alone in these feelings. Over the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced more meltdowns and shutdowns than I have in the previous 8 years.
It’s debilitating, but finding your channel (And some other channels of autistic creators) has been hugely beneficial. Thank you for this video especially!
I’ve never related to anything more, even including the s/o part. My bf is so empathetic, he’s the only one who’s ever been able to comfort me during my meltdowns. I feel safe with him bc I know he would never judge me. I’m so thankful for him.
And thank you for sharing this. Your videos always make me feel less alone. Please take care 💕
My boyfriend is great too. He is one of the only people who could handle it when I get upset.
Thank you. You made me realize what I actually experienced. These weren’t common outbreaks of anger, where people told me that I was overreacting. These were Meltdowns.
I recently got my diagnosis for ADHD and when you told what internalized meltdowns were for you I found myself in it and started to cry immediately.
You helped me to understand myself.
I’m really thankful that you shared this with us.
I’ve only had one internalized meltdown and it was at my grandma’s 89th birthday. My dad said I couldn’t bring my headphones to the party and when I told him that the headphones drown out the excess noise he said it wasn’t going to be noisy. (He doesn’t know I’m autistic) it was noisy. VERY noisy. The music was loud asf and so many ppl were talking around me and I could remember just feeling I was on the verge of crying. There were times where I would think about locking myself in the bathroom and just crying there but I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. All I did was cover my ears and just sat at my seat (there were tables and chairs) I could barely eat bc every time I went to grab my fork to eat I would just be attacked by the loud music around me. I couldn’t draw, I couldn’t listen to my playlist on Spotify to drown out the noise. I couldn’t do anything. I felted lied to that day and I still do. Yes i know he probably didn’t know the music was going to be loud but I just feel like he let me down that day.
Oh my goodness. I just had one of my first meltdowns post diagnosis at Disneyland of all places. I’m a 44f. I was so mad that I wanted to hit things. I don’t even really remember the meltdown. It lasted for almost 2.5 hours. Nonstop crying, hyperventilating, dizzy. I just remember not wanting my husband to be anywhere near me and I was trying my hardest to mask over a little bit to protect my 13 yo son. It was bananas. I woke up from crying myself to sleep. Only my son came to my side to help me. I was just dx in February 2023. My husband is already spread thin with patience for my new diagnosis. It’s been a struggle. I’ve been living in a brain fog and disconnected to the real world for a few years now after a surgery went wrong and put me in life/death danger. I’ve not been the same since.
Well this got longer than I thought so here is my big response comment in order of the things you talk about
-if walking around while doing a video would be better for your pain management i am sure we all would be okay with it! i have seen lots of people who do like walking vlogs or walking and talking while showing what they are seeing (a forest or the city or something!) if this isn’t your thing thats totally fine i just thought you should know we all support you regardless of your video style!
-i totally agree about the self harm stim thing. oh my god. i just explained this to my best friend! wanting me to stop doing the pain-stim is only going to bring me more distress. and its not harming me in the long run. its not permanent damage. previously as a teenager when i was depressed i self harmed because i thought i deserved it. this is different! its a completely different reason and a different style of self harm. irene i totally get you here and its so nice to have someone else verbalize it.
-“only i was wrong and the problem was me” wow. this is exactly how i felt as a child. and now when i still deal with my extreme guilt and people pleasing.
-okay so apparently i have internalized meltdowns. okay makes sense. it feels like i have a scream that needs to come out but instead all the pressure goes to my head and i freeze and there is nothing i can do. i can’t cry as the pressure hurts too badly. guess i need to work on this. i am scared to have outward meltdowns but they do sometimes happen. you are the first person i am hearing talk about internalized meltdowns (probably because i am not on tiktok). being late diagnosed (25) is a learning process but i feel i’m getting to breaking point so i better learn quickly.
-you and a few other channels really make me want to create a youtube account as well to begin talking about my experiences as an autistic woman late diagnosed. i love watching all you guys and hearing your individual experiences. thank you for sharing, even if it feels hard or vulnerable! it helps us not feel alone
20:36 I'm autistic and struggling with this exact thing so much right now, it's such a relief to hear someone say how powerless and genuinely traumatic it feels. I have chronic mental and neurological disabilities and I'm unable to work because of it. I filed for SSDI in february of 2022 and this summer my appeal to the denial for my case was rejected, so now I have to wait 8+ months to have a hearing with a judge (and thankfully, my attorney).
A month ago or so I was considering for the 1,000th time that if I get paired with an uncompassionate ableist judge who can simply choose to disregard all of my medical documentation, I have to start this process all over again. I had thought of that possibility so many times, but in that instance, it felt like a colossal wave crashing down on me and I was only barely able to walk myself back from having a severe panic attack (which is an achievement!). On the days when the weight of that reality doesn't manifest as exhausting fear and stress, I struggle with major depressive episodes. I can't imagine how I would live if my family and partner weren't able to support me financially. There's so much shame being in my late 20s and having my parents paying my bills.
My mother would drive me to meltdowns daily. And during the worst ones, she would record me to show to friends and family... i can't articulate the way that makes you feel. It is so terrible. But the thought of being dirt on the floor was comforting. Of being something inanimate and easily overlookable. Anything to not be perceived.
Anything that does not truly exist with a mind and a heart that can be broken. That was my comfort.
I guess since then, i have such an ingrained desire to stay unperceived in my meltdowns that i turn them all inward. All of my stims, everything, inward. But my stims are violent now. The crazy meltdowns were started by being punnished for stimmimg and other issues. Pain became the strongest sensation i could give to myself without being noticed. So now claw at the palms of my hands and my thighs because i can make the sensation intense enough to drown out my feelings and re regulate me but not be noticed. It's not good though. Aside from obvious reasons, i cant get a diagnosis because the psychologist doesn't recognize any of my damn stims when I'm sitting right in front of him and doing them. And i didn't always internalize like this. I'm implementing stim toys now to encourage me to use something less destructive. But even then, it's hard to find stim toys that work. But it's a process. It would have been great to be past this right now though. But we aren't. I feel like a child for all of the skills i did not get to learn at the right age. But worse than for the self destructive habits that were ingraned into my primary circutry instead. And she calls herself a mother.. it doesn't take much to sleep with someone and forget a condom. What comes after on the other hand... that's different entirely. A mom teaches her children to prepare them for the world. She did the opposite and now thinks she can hug me and be my friend like it was all just so difficult for the both of us... but she had a choice and i did not.