How to Build Confidence Without Being a Creep
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- Опубликовано: 19 июл 2022
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People are Soooo focused on confidence JUST to attract a partner.
What He said about the study about the people willing to try stuff is way more powerful to me. And how it had a positive feedback loop.
I'll be swinging that bat instead.
Writing, digital art, music production.
Let's goooo
Yooo is this a FLCL reference
Thats a funny/sad part about some anime. Fans will latch on and embody everything terrible from a series instead of the actual message.
@@TheDionysiac flcl?
@@ThexDynastxQueen you say that like it's exclusive to anime.
@@treefingers1183 No, I say that as OP made an FLCL reference lol.
Sir, as a young man with a lot of red pilled friends, I must say we need more of this. An inclusive, empathetic way to look at men's issues. Without this all we have is the manosphere and people trying to take advantage of them
The young man needs to #WAKEUP life ain’t not Disney channel original movie. It’s Battle Royale (2000).
ain't that funny that you are wearing a red shirt to signal it too.lol!
we need to develop a language for masculine empathy instead of mockery. and a lot of our younger siblings' spleen is being exploited and leveraged and that's sad. because as men , just how many venues do we have to express ourselves .
‼️‼️
I think Aba from Aba and Preach said it perfectly. Many people criticize the redpill yet neglect to provide young men with an alternative to it.
I feel like as a young black man the only person who's ever encouraged me to be anything or even expected much from me is my father, and a lot of boys in our community aren't afforded that upbringing.
@@LintyShinobi Did your mother abandon you? Sounds like there’s some hurt there
I don't remember where I heard it but I really like the idea that confidence isn't knowing/thinking you're the shit, it's knowing/thinking you'll be okay even if you aren't.
Yep, that's actually nthe definition of it, it's simply being comfortable in your own skin
Based
So basically you think confidence equals being outcome independent? The latter is definitely part of the former but I think confidence is more than just that.
Exactly. Don't aim to be confident, aim to be comfortable.
@@erievhsthat innately requires some belief in yourself
Also, the thing men forget is women get hit on a lot. I am not saying that in a positive way. Most women who have to leave the house everyday, get propositioned or otherwise offered unwanted sex multiple times a week. So women are much more likely to be closed off in public spaces. The moment you enter a space like a dance class or an art gallery or comic book shop, we’re going to be much more receptive to your attention. Even in a club, women have to be on our guards, about our drinks and what our friends are doing to stay safe. We’re not relaxed and we’re receptive.
Also women don’t prioritize meeting a romantic partner over everything else, contrary to popular belief, so if we’re in a grocery store trying to run errands, we’re probably not going to talk to you unless we know you and like you already.
Picking up a hobby is a great tip. Women want to be comfortable, relaxed, and safe. If you think a woman isn’t those three things, you probably don’t have a chance even if she might like you otherwise.
This is true, but in my experience it doesn't really matter. If she's interested it can be on a train, plane, club, hiking etc. Best thing for men to do is to build themselves up to the degree in which a woman would be interested in who them vs chasing women. Become someone desirable and through that journey there will be women who are interested in dating you.
Yeah the hobby thing isn't really a great tip as well
Totally agree. But as a tall good-looking dude i get approached in the street a lot too by girls and sometimes gay dudes (i'm fine with it. It ain't wrong to me) but in very random moments when i approach a woman in the streets i almost always get a number or a good reaction. I think some guys look at this and think that they can do it too
but this is also a thing women could do, women could try to approach men they like, and men should do what women are doing now, stop valuing or prioritizing a romantic relationship overall and do other thigs assume you are going to die alone, i also dont think its a bad thing to go to ask women out with the intentions of just sex as long as you arent devious about it
This just makes me feel like I can never approach a woman without annoying them
You're so right on confidence being a subjective, unmeasurable concept. I'm a Black woman and have pretty severe anxiety but I mask it by being pretty quiet and introverted in public. The number of people who've told me that I seemed so confident when I was at work, school, at the gym, etc. when in reality I was a nervous wreck is pretty high. I'm also pretty blunt when I do speak, so people then think 'well damn you're confident'. Nope, just ASD lol. I think if I was another race, they would project 'shy' onto me instead of 'confident', just because society doesn't really allow for the idea for Black people to be anxious, shy or nervous.
This sounds a lot like me 😅 I do put effort in carrying myself with confidence but inside I’m very much thinking “Please don’t look at me or talk to me 😭.” I don’t know where the hell it stems from but I’m out here faking it until I make it lol I still feel very awkward/clumsy in communicating with strangers or even acquaintances but I just force myself to continue.
Hmm I’m a white guy with autism I’m curious as to how your experience differs from mine
Yup. Same here. I am just good at masking. In reality, I am a complete wreck on the inside.
I honestly never perceived black people cant be anxious shy or nervous we’re all human after all
@@cheetahluv210 if you are genuinely curious about how a visibly black autistic woman's experience is different from yours as an autistic white man then you really gotta read "All The Weight Of Our Dreams: on living with racialized autism"
People should give this book a chance even if they aren't autistic, and even if reading is challenging, just to understand better
When F.D says the same thing as many grifters, but in so much of a nicer way where, instead of bringing me down, it gives me hope to accomplish something, and I don't have to buy his seminar, his book, and his office hours. Man, this content is good.
What do grifters say that you feel brings you down?
@@superdupeninja8149 I think he means the grifters like talking down to their audience like jerks and douchebags who see their audience as beneath them.
I built confidence step by step by getting outside my comfort zone. Also instead of trying to talk to women with that explicit purpose of dating but just being friends. Also facing rejection and seeing that most people aren’t the way I thought they were. Most people are nice and won’t act with hostility towards strangers
facts
Also people should try new things, new spaces , now days You see most of the incels or mysoginist guys playing videogames 24/7then jumping on the right wing pundit on RUclips saying to them that womens are this monsters that just want to use them and trow them , theyshould try an outdor Activity not just a sport, it can be any Activity like reading clubs or comunitary service , that way they interact with people and Will full more confidence talking with mans and womans, and most important they Will find out that most of people arent as terminaly online like this right wing pundits says all people are
I just like making friends
Make sure they don't hate the homeless. Many people at my work want to melt the homeless because some were rude or shoplifted.
wont they though? hasnt been my experience
As young men we are encouraged to be confident, but never shown how to be, let alone given an operational definition of what the word means.
And it can mean different things. I found my confidence in my broad range of skills and improving my posture.
The words "growth mindset" took me back to being gaslit by a teacher about my learning disability so fast🤣. It wasn't for years until I realized the actual merit in that idea
Algorithmic punch
the way hasan has gone from being seen as cenks geeky hanger on to some kind of sexy karl marx is very silly but should inspire anyone to take that step out of nerdhood
He’s still a nerd for sure (which is a good thing) but he leveled up his appearance
"sexy Karl Marx" is one of the funniest phrases I've ever seen. It's just such an oxymoron, and shouldn't exist.
But what if I actually like nerdy and geeky stuff and completely uninterested in living Hasan’s lifestyle?
@@WhoBlah21 not exactly a prescription for how to live your life and more an example of what can be accomplished with commitment and also how quickly people forget who someone "used to be"
I’m gay and don’t have much stake in helping young straight men find self confidence, but I agree regarding Hasan. In my opinion I think Hasan, Shark3ozero, and FD all do a lot to effluence young men to positive direction. I will say though, having any of the three around 10/12 years ago would have been huge for my personal development and my own confidence. If any of that makes sense 😂
There is a critical acknowledgement that is very overlooked on this conversation that I wanted to bring up: learned helplessness
There are a ton of academic articles discussing the psychological phenomenon where the environment reinforces learned negative sentiments on a subject and does not adapt outside of that contained perspective. Seligman and Maier did some questionable accidental animal testing to discover that the persistence in a problem is sustained in the person’s (or dog’s) perspective of the problem.
Stepping outside our comfort zones just to step out doesn’t help as much as one might think without having the tools and techniques of emotional identification and regulation. I would argue that confidence is a byproduct of solid healthy boundaries and clear, concise communication within our own internal locus of control, instead of a muscle that can be sprained or worked on in a counter-intuitive way.
I feel like this applies to me. I'm basically at a point where even the topic is triggering and failure puts me at a real risk for further suicidal ideation. Probably has to do with the abuse and general shitty experiences I went through but it's basically to a point where I even fear 'success' since I can't trust people to not use me.
Contrapoints did a whole section of this in her Incels video where she likened the harsh reinforcement in incel subreddits about how ugly and unlovable/desirable they are by other incels to the harsh criticism in forums from other trans people about how they're not "passing". They just sit themselves down in these negative communities and just absorb this negative feedback loop that gets internalized and constructs their mental narratives about themselves and the world.
@@99sins I'm sorry you going through this. I'm saying this completely without judgement, but you might benefit from a little talk therapy, I've done a significant amount, and it's absolutely helped me to develop my self esteem. Not trying to act like therapy is necessarily accessible to everyone because of cost and other things, but if it is available to you I recommend it. Whatever you do, I wish you love and rest.
@@ADubbs-fd8xf Thanks for the kind words. I've actually been to 4 therapy clinics now and I'm on the waiting list for my 5th so I've done a decent amount. Turns out I need something more intensive than what the first 3 could offer and the 4th denied to do since I'm "not fit for group therapy".
Seriously, I always hated "fake it til you make it." If you can fake confidence, you're already confident because you're essentially acting and actors are some of the most confident people alive. If you can't fake it and try, people will see right through you, you'll be a nervous wreck or a try hard, and you'll generally have a bad time.
This sounds a lot like self actualization. You know that you are a work in progress and ready to do said work in order to grow and prosper. You are understanding that you are in a progress not perfection mindset and that encourages humility and self awareness. You just know yourself but also believe that you have no limits somewhat.
Parents need to give their sons and daughters not only a sense of confidence, but the decency to NOT destroy the confidence of others without justification.
Really good advice. I wish someone had just sat my young self down and explained to me that women were just people. They are not a puzzle to figure out. Just talk to them like you would your boys. Rejection isn't an indictment of you as a person. There's a million reasons someone might not give you their number. Confidence is key but so is critical self-examination. If you're trying to find someone but struggling, ask yourself: are you the type of person someone would want to be with? I'm not saying "do you look like an alpha Chad" but "do you have a good personality? Do people genuinely enjoy being around you? Do you listen? Are you thoughtful? Do you come across as not a miserable prick most of the time? Do you put SOME effort into your appearance or do you look like someone that needs taken care of 24/7?" If not, you might have to put work in. You might think you have a "good person" inside of you but if no one can see that, it doesn't matter.
Transitioning and finding my way into LGBT+ spaces was a huge help in me gaining confidence with potential romantic partners. At least in my experience, LGBT+ spaces especially with a lot of women have a kind of implicit understanding that every single one of us is nervous and insecure and terrified of rejection and barely holding it together in terms of putting ourselves, out there, and that realization that "Confidence" in terms of "Life is a puzzle that I have solved and I have zero troubles interacting with people" just doesn't really exist was unbelievably helpful to me. Not seeing people as perfect or having something that I lack was what finally got me to start asking people out and going on Tinder and Bumble and such, and I honestly don't know how I would have had that realization without the experience of transitioning
Yeah, because then no one expects anything from you and you are loved unconditionally by the people who follow the western values.
What hobbies do you do where you know queer folks reside?
This is some real shit. I would always hear that women like dudes that were funny. And I have always been the shyest, nerdiest dude in my friend group. Confidence was floor level. So when I started doing standup comedy AND figured out I was good at it, I definitely felt more confident. I say some bold shit on stage sometimes and even if I’m not flirting with actual intention, the fact I got a laugh is all I needed. And now, I’m dating someone I never would’ve dreamed I had a chance with. So trust me y’all. Figure out what you’re good at, and get better. Cause it makes a hell of a difference when you pull up to the table with something other than “I’m a nice guy/girl/person.”
Sounds similar to what Jordan Petersen says.
@@rejectionisprotection4448 oh god. What exactly does he say?
@@sadboijokes Well there is the "cleaning up your room", thing, but also the importance of being competent, developing beneficial habits, being consistent and having discipline.
You didnt do shet, my boy. You just had the luck that you werent booed and spat on by your 'fellow people' and survived.
@@menschgebliebenergossenpar9213 aw word? You think every time I get on that stage is laughs and applause? That’s cute. Do you know how much adversity you have to deal with as a comedian?
This is probably the best unsolicited advice I've gotten in years.
💯
I surrounded myself with friends who saw something in me I didn't see myself. I made the conscience decision to believe them. They helps me how to dress for my body, I started really think about that type of woman I wanted to be. What she looked like and sounded like behaved. And I worked on that. And now that's me. And I love me. And loving me was the hardest part.
That's beautiful
good friendships are so important, we need to really emphasize how important it is to healing and growing as people.
I love this
What a great story.
I've never been a big fan of telling people to "build confidence" as a dating advice. Truth is, a person can do all the right things and still not have a partner. Instead, I feel like the focus should be on finding our worth outside of the romantic/sexual validation we recieve. This culture puts way to much focus and value on love and sex that many people forget how to build an equally fulfilling life outside of that. Love/sex is presented as this pentacle of happiness or end goal of life. Frustation is inevitable when a person cannot obtain what they believe everyone is deserved out of life. I feel like that's why so many men have been falling down rabbit holes of extremist ideologies. It doesn't help that having s*x or "getting hoes" is so intrinsically tied to manhood either.
Everybody who looks hot to you likely had a very impressionable awkward stage that still colors their self-perception TO THIS DAY. The glow up absolutely helped in their confidence boost in terms of frequency of positive feedback, but the gap btwn the awkward internal-external period to the glow up era was where a lot of self prescribed exposure therapy happened. Exposure is absolutely necessary just to get out of the negative personal mental narratives people construct about themselves and other people. Its not always what you think, we all have self doubt. The majority of us are not walking around with the mentality of an Olympian god/goddess, yes even the "hot ones".
A timely reminder that James Gandolfini, an overweight, middle aged, bald man was considered hot by many women (and men) because of the CONFIDENCE he exuded as Tony Soprano. That doesn't mean you go and invest in toxic masculinity it means you construct a positive mental narrative for yourself and stick with it. Confidence doesn't men tearing others down to build yourself up, it means you do not put value to other people's (perceived) negative opinion/reaction to you. you just move on and give it no further thought.
Reminds me of the study where baby elephants were restricted to an enclosed area with a rope. When they grew up, their adult size made them easily strong enough to snap the rope and break free, but because they grew up with a rope they initially couldn't break, they were just complacent, as if to assume the rope could never be broken.
I went through that period. I was insecure and now I'm confident
Nobody noticed or cared. Nobody found me any more attractive now as they did then. If this is you experience then be grateful, because in my experience confidence does nothing in regards to other people liking you. I'm better off now sure, but nobody else cares
Also if what you say is true about Gandolfini as Soprano is true that's... Very worrying. Gandolfini portrayed a violent and unstable sociopath, is that attractive? Should I be a sociopath if I want to be attractive
i used to be borderline blackpilled when i was a younger teenager, as i got older i vowed to be confident, talk to more people, and be less nihilistic about things and nowadays at 24, finding dates is not hard at all
Lucky you I did the same thing and shit ain't different
@@SwipeDrako don’t give up bro, every journey is different. Just know you’ve come to the right place
@@chreeess Ah come on! Stop gaslighting people just to keep them from quitting this society-bullcrap, because you are afraid that you wont have enough manpower against the fash if shtf
@@SwipeDrako same. Ain't a damn thing changed lmao
@BanquetOfTheLeviathan and thats a good thing to realize, i think too many people are worried about finding that storybook lover and let it eat at them. sometimes the best thing to so is hunker down and focus on what matters most
Hasan talks all the time about how he had severe social anxiety and was overweight. He literally had to build his physical muscles and his confidence muscles.
Maybe if I work hard enough I can be just like Hassan!!!!
@@ralphwilsin Nah bro he is too GigaChad don't set the bar that high.
He didn't improve his confidence. He made himself more appealing to women and started getting better results.
That's not confidence.
@@Procanin We are all equals bro! I do not subscribe to the binary theory of Gigachads!!!
@@ReaperCet working out and eating healthier make you feel better and look better, both of which make you behave more confidently
Courage (acting without certainty or expectations of success) breeds confidence (certainty of success or performance), but it also blunts your fear of failure---and that's the most important part. You get used to failing, but so long as you keep trying, you'll likely get results. Just like any skill.
Tbh I think the only thing I’ve learned that’s helped is just a certain level of comfort and “not needing” the attention. It’s so weird, but that seems to attract more attention than anything.
I've always felt like, as a man ... the only guaranteed way to never be called a creep is to just never show romantic interest in women. If that's not an option for you, then what you have control over is not being an asshole when women aren't interested. We aren't entitled to the romantic attention of women. The man - o - sphere is feeding into the sense of entitlement that has always been there with us. You're supposed to just put yourself out there and learn to endure some rejection and heartbreak without becoming bitter and hating women for not sleeping with you
Truth is there are no guarantees, we can't allow other peoples perceptions of who we are to guide us. We are talking collectively about a group of people who aren't in out shoes and have shown no inclination to understand the tight rope we walk. I would say if a woman calls you creepy for talking to her and you feel definitively that you haven't compromised yourself, fuck it. You can't control how she feels
@@ahmorgan Exactly, shoot your shot. If she’s not into you, move on with your life. It’s that attitude of entitlement that is messing things up right now
@@ahmorgan The irony of your comment talking about women "making no effort" to understand the "tightrope" men walk on, when your entire comment reeks of lack of empathy for women's hyper vigilance. I WISH all women had to worry about was someone calling us a rude word like creepy, but the reality is that women have to deal with sexual vioIence, sexual harassment, and vioIent reactions from men constantly. Whats funny is that guys think that when we talk about these experiences, they only happen to us once and it sticks with us forever... but sexuaI violence is something women experience as often as men experience being called weird or creepy when asking someone out. When yall start to empathize with these actual life ruining problems women have to face, maybe then women wont roll their eyes when you complain about a woman being rude to you
@@botanicalitus4194 personally I think men in general should just stop pursuing romantic relataionhsip and focus on other things if it happens , it happens and if it doesn't then at least we know we all stand , as for the sexual violence I do think men listen but the issue of hyper vigilance that's going going happen regardless if they listen or not so my solution women should start going for the men they want and people should stop advising men on how to go about the rules of pursuing or initiating the interaction if it doesn't guarantee anything, if women take the lead because they would have already vetted said men they want, it would be due to your judge of character right and since they have what they want, everyone is happy or at least we all know where we stand
I don't hate women for not sleeping with me, if anything I hate myself
Finding women who have similar interests as you are such a life hack when it comes to dating! After I finished my graduate degree and left academia for good last year, I struggled to make friends and date because it was easier to meet new people when I was at a university (clubs, parties, Greek life, etc.). Still, once I realized that I should do the same thing and hung out spots and joined groups in my area with similar interests, I pretty much have had a successful dating and social life!
Congrats!
When it comes to general social anxiety, the advice I've heard to building up confidence is to practice just walking down the street with your head held high and shoulders back. Go with a friend if it helps. Look people in the eye. Give a smile and nod. Eventually practice alone. Eventually practice asking someone you're not attracted to for the time (a straight guy might ask an older man) say thank you and keep walking. Once you're comfortable doing that, practice asking people you are attracted to for the time, say thank you, and keep walking. Eventually speaking to strangers, even attractive ones, won't feel so utterly impossible.
In my country doing this is frowned upon and generally considered weird. In my country speaking to strangers is a social faux-paus
Things like this worked well for me. I was a shy kid, but started regularly traveling with friends to go to concerts up to a few hours away. I always hated not interacting with the world more, and figured since I'd never see any of these people again anyway and we had at least one thing in common (enjoying whoever we were there to see), there was no harm in trying to talk to some of them. Even if it was just a quick comment, about the time, opening act, whatever. Doing it in the first place was my only concern.
It didn't take me long to notice that talking to people when there was close to zero possibility of pressure kept getting easier and easier, without even trying. Some of them even found me funny. And as it kept getting easier, I'd start doing it closer to home. It personally didn't take me long to overcome my shyness that way.
the tip about finding a person while pursuing a passion or a skill can be very much true. as someone who was able to find a person and get married within the last 5 years, i found my wife while i was learning to box. we took some of the same classes, hit it off, and the rest is history. chase your dreams, chase your goals, chase your interests, and you’ll likely find the person you wanna be with chasing the same/similar thing
I don't have many dreams, goals or interests. I just wanna enjoy myself and relax. What do I do?
Lol literally been tryna up my smash bros game I feel personally attacked!
The bit about the halo effect and towards the end about "doctors marry other doctors" kinda aligns with my anecdotal experience. I met my partner at work, at a time where I was not confident in myself and had not had much luck meeting and attracting women. But I was rocking it at my job and did a lot of talking to managers, clients, etc, so at work I came off as more confident than I would in most social settings. My now partner was attracted to that, and it probably helped that we were at work, so my default was to treat all women as coworkers, not as potential dates. Eventually we hung out outside of work and realized our mutual attraction and the rest is history. She still tells me she loves my voice when I talk on client meetings haha, it's the only good thing that comes outta them!
upthrow up air
I hate how women are attracted to confidence. I just want someone to like me for me. I'm seeing more and more how I need to act in a certain way to get attention. I need to mutilate and change myself into something I do not recognise. I need to warp myself. It makes me want to hurt myself sometimes
This seems to tie into a study that I read about "luck." People tend to think about luck in terms of some sort of external force acting on us, but what the study found is that people who self identified as "lucky," were more likely to both identify and act on opportunities. Essentially, the "luckiest" people are simply those who are actively looking for and willing to act on identified opportunities.
*Edit: This was the study I read: Richard Wiseman "The Luck Factor"
Because of your comment, I used google to see if this is true because I want to believe it and it is! There’s an actual study saying what you said. Not that I didn’t believe you, but I wanted to confirm.
@@Adeyemiii It's been a long time since I read it, so I'll see if I can find an online citation.
@@Adeyemiii Links tend to get flagged by YT, but IIRC, this is the study. It should come up on a basic search.
Richard Wiseman The Luck Factor B Helzberg
@@newscoulomb3705 thanks i just read it! glad there’s a study about this.
I would agree with this. People call me lucky all the time. But it's really because I take action on the opportunities presented to me and try to make them into what I want them to be. Pick up taught me this and helped me apply it to other areas of my life.
Short story:
I moved across the country with a girl but we split a couple years later. Didn’t have much of a social circle but I used to do some acting (local stuff, nothing big).
I used Meetup to find an improv group. Mostly doing games like Whose Line. Fun stuff, great creative outlet. A girl there asked me to audition for a local haunted house. I did and got a fun role. Other performers invited me to come to local acting meetup. I networked, joined some script-reading groups, worked on my acting skills, karaoke nights - fun stuff.
Wound up meeting my eventual spouse at a bar. I actually don’t frequent bars unless it’s a meetup for a larger group. She’s likes acting and is also a big nerd just like me. We talked about the Song of Ice and Fire books (Game of Thrones) for like 3 hours.
By perusing my own interests and getting out into the world, I met people, learned about my new city, and developed some skills. Out of all those people I met, some were attractive to me, and I eventually found a partner I have a lot in common with.
Unless you’re really lucky, this shit doesn’t just fall into your lap. You gotta go on your own journey and learn how to keep an open mind to other possibilities along the way.
And I was a “nice guy” for most of my teens and 20’s who probably could have fallen into the “incel” crowd if I’d been born 5 or more years later. And I’m def not a Chad. So have some hope.
Hasan worked for his confidence too, he was overweight at 18 he got into his body in college and learned socializing there
I'm sure his height, bone structure and privilege didn't help him at all
@@painunending4610 I'm sure it did
Dude's just over here putting out content on his B channel better than what 99% of RUclips is on their A channels.
I’m on my self improvement journey 💯 One day I will be able to talk to women! Believe it!
The only problem with the "learn a new skill" thing is that I get so bored so easily that if I start a project or thing and don't immediately see improvement I drop it instantly. It's like, my brain can't grasp the idea of learning a skill and just wants to co-opt it into my skillset
my problem is the same, I think that what I learned to do is reward myself for making milestones like buying myself ice cream or watching a new episode of overlord.
Start by reading for at least an hour a day, it helps you focus.
Here’s my thing about Hasan. Hasan used to be really overweight and not very successful with women. It wasn’t until he started working out really hard and eating right that confidence sort of followed out
The thing is, in my opinion his confidence probably came after he saw himself change. And I wish more of the “be confident” type advice that’s out there would be less afraid to directly say: confidence a lot of times follows positive change in your own life
He changed his appearance to be more attractive and probably got more attention because of it. His height and good bone structure probably helped a ton too
Action comes before belief sometimes.
It’s the results we end up believing in. Action is what gets the results.
Like Mark Twain said, the fastest way to get ahead is to get started.
Love the deep dive you broke it down so well and in a short conversation, the build up to your point felt so enlightening to me you put into words what I’ve felt for along time about the manosphere but never been able to communicate without dancing along an edge of judgement great video you’re gonna change alotta minds you’re gonna speedrun to that 1 million taking on topics like this
Confidence is like any other skill. Some people have a natural talent, some have trouble with it, but anyone can learn with practice.
"There's no, like, magic pill for improving, you know, depressive symptoms"
Odd choice of words, lol.
The way you dissected this topic was amazing. Love your content!
Preciate this shit man. Youve given me more useful and practical information than all the time I could spent banging my head against the manosphere. You really are having an effect on me and men. Before the most balanced view i coukd find was Aba n Preach...now imma let em go.
This is such a healthy outlook, I’ve absolutely fallen in love with your vids. I haven’t seen many positive black male figures on this platform and this is very refreshing to watch.
DUDE! as an introverted nerd with social phobia, this is as close to pragmatic, actual self-help i've ever gotten, if that makes sense. keeping it real, as they say.
i'm in a toughhhh spot since i'm also a pre-everything (as they call it.... i'm not a transmed...) trans woman lesbian, but this video could translate to such a situation in a pinch.
thank you, FD.
Great video FD. I’m a youngish man who has done a lot of work on myself around this already, but the pandemic has thrown me off a lot and allowed me to regress a bit. These are things that are easy to grasp and I’ve heard before, but I really feel a need to be reminded. Totally understand you not wanting to make this a part of your schtick, but this is a massive niche desperately wanting to be filled (heh) and I hope more people jump on that gravy train in the coming years.
I love this because people should learn more about this without falling for the grifters ploys
Great content FD! Just talk is fantastic advice. I think social success is largely a combination of two foundational things: don't expect anything from another person (not their time, attention, interest, whatever) and try to make every interaction interesting or enjoyable in some way (i.e. just talk) if someone can do that, they'll have enough social success where they won't care if someone else (even a large number of other people) disregard them
Thank you, honestly.
I really like the idea of establishing a skill or hobby to develop competence and therefore some confidence.
To me, that's way more doable than the message of just "be confident".
I think Anthony Recenello is a great example of someone trying to provide a counter to a lot of the pickup artist crap that has become so prominent. I haven't watched him recently, but a video I would highly recommend checking out are "An Introverts' Guide to Approaching Strangers" where he goes over how to navigate meeting new people in general with advice that goes beyond looking for a romantic partner and applies to life in general. There is also another video where he reacts to Hasan's romantic advice and adds to it.
I love Anthony! Glad to see him combat those red-pill and alpha/beta crap that is everywhere on RUclips
I think nerds got invalidated by heteronormative culture because the competition wasn't appreciated.
Thanks for the video! It was very coherent and helpful. You do good work :)
How so?
As somebody who does have a bachelor’s in psychology, while extraversion is one of the big five personality traits, but confidence isn’t. Confidence is a skill and if it doesn’t come naturally to you, it’s something that you have to literally force yourself to do.
I was exceptionally shy when I was younger, but as I got older my mom, who is a total social butterfly, forced me to go out of my comfort zone and express myself and it made me become more confident. I fought tooth and nail every step of the way as a teenager, but knowing how do something as simple as walking up to an employee and asking which aisle the item I was looking for was in was a real life skill.
Knowing how to strike up a conversation with somebody is a life skill. I hate small talk, as most people do, so I had to learn how to talk about things that are actually interesting if I wanted to avoid small talk. As a result I am super confident and assertive in most conversations. That doesn’t mean that I’m super extraverted (I usually avoid conversation with strangers if I can) or not insecure. It means that I’m able to push through my social anxiety to be able to achieve my goals.
You sound a lot like me lol. I even turned despising small talk into a skill, and that paid off more than most folks would think at first.
That's real cool that you intentionally made yourself develop the skill. I'm curious though, can you give an example of how you sidestep the awkward small talk?
It's so true tho, engaging in community, gaining a skill and working thru your social anxiety is the most productive way to date fr
Nice. You already said most of what I was thinking of saying, so I'll just leave a quote I heard once that really speaks to it.
Confidence is "Feeling that no matter what happens, everything will be fine." It's not thinking, everything will be a success, it's thinking that even if you fail, you'll still manage. So, building confidence is less about building your ability to succeed and more about building your ability to handle failure.
I once learned how in social situations, when you do something that makes you look dumb, you can still come out of it looking good, just by being amused by your own mistakes, rather than mortified. Basically, learning to laugh at yourself. Learning to do that gave me a safety net that that really boosted my confidence in social situations.
A better than average recipe for cake frosting. Definitely one of the more sincere attempts to address this issue.
The thing about games, especially social ones, is that if you just play to win, everyones experience (including yours) will suck. However, if you play with everyones fun in mind, you usually do actually enjoy yourself and hopefully help others do the same.
You're not "more confident" than you were 10 years ago.
You're just BETTER than you were 10 years ago.
And that makes you more likely to succeed and that increases your "confidence."
You're only a creep if the person you're talking to isn't into it (and you can't take a hint)
Sometimes hints are hard to read
liking and commenting before video ends, because the algorithm NEEDS more content like this in regards young guys looking for models of behavior and interaction around this stuff and there's so much toxic and dangerous content out there like dang
This is super accurate! To really underscore the confidence is a muscle point- I’m great with people in general- I’ve never had a hard time with women. For me I’m working on confidence trying to learn new skills and be creative- the more we try something the easier it gets but nothing is universally applicable.
Us young men need people like you to point us in a good, healthy direction. Lovin' it!!
I was sending my 17 yr old to his stepdad's to go to Dragoncon.I have some things to consider now...lol
Don't send him alone!
Great video as always!
This reminds me of a documentary about Iceberg Slim I saw. He said his books were meant to be cautionary tales as well🤷♀
I loved this video! Please make more sharing advice and research. I don't think you understand how much it means to a lot of my students coming into college
I love this comment section. I love that F.D. Has not just great ideas/dialogues but also a great community of people who are also trying to learn and grow
Thank you for finally pointing out that "The Game" is a cautionary tale! I remembering so many dudes in my 20s talking about how that book "opened their minds" and made them dive into pick up. And then when I read it, I was like, "Really!? These dudes are all assholes and psychopaths in this book!"
I like the summary at the end of this video, spend time with other people and learn stuff.
I don't know why I watched video - probably because I enjoyed your other video as I very happily married. I've always struggled making friends though and I feel what you said could easily apply. Thank you
So many of these are just neurotypical traits or the performativity of neurotypical traits, aka masking and the way that's socially rewarded.
17:50 facts💯if u are focused on ur purpose life has a way of puttin the RIGHT PEOPLE in ur life💯🤞🏾
I agree with a lot of what you said, and this is a process of thought I've been working on developing myself. Something I think of slightly differently is when you said to "expect failure," and then learn from your mistakes. I make the distinction to instead accept the possibility of failure, so that failure isn't something I'm anticipating. Like when I was younger, I and people around me would apply to top colleges "expecting" not to get in, but in my experience, that way of thinking was pretty damaging. acknowledging that it might not work out, though, is now something I consider a fundamental early step for trying anything new, be it applying to MIT or asking out a girl. That easily could've been a slip of the tongue, but it took me a long time to make that distinction for myself, so I just wanted to offer my two cents. Thanks for the vid :)
“Expect failure and build from that“ 💯
If we are self aware, and recognize our value...we will be confident. So, do the work people...you have value, let everyone know what you can do, especially to help others. It's nice feeling useful.... And it feels nice to have people help eachother. We can't do this alone, we need eachother.
Came to drop a like and comment for the algorithm. I don’t think I’ll tune into this video’s topic today, but it’s important for young men to see good role models and healthy information.
Thanks :3
It also helps when those around you boost your self confidence. For example, ever since I was little I was always told that I'd be a "Heartbreaker" or was handsome. Then as I grew up in high school I had a few girls basically fawning over me with little to no effort. Then in college dated a girl who was extremely into me. That's not even including my guy friends who boosted my confidence.
All of that outside boosting definitely had an impact on how i carried myself and my confidence.
great way to build confidence is to set goals. they don’t have to necessarily be romantic in nature, not just like learning a language, household efficiency, dietary, honestly anything you’re interested in. the achievement from those little things is ultimately what builds up confidence that can applied in day to day life.
Thank you for your work!
People always ask me how are you so confident or how can I do a better job on picking up a gender I am attracted to. I always say pick up a new hobby, I didn't know why that made so much sense to me before. To me it was always the thing that you are going to a new community, humbled, and you need to connect with other folks to get better. Also like you said you are doing something for yourself in the meantime as well, so even if you are not sucessful in the immediate for dating, it makes you more interesting down the line because you tried to be competitent on something new and usually people find that attractive that you try and broaden your horizons. Which in turn make you more confident in new spaces or scenarios so it is always a win win no matter what. Just wanted to comment for the first time because I really enjoy your content and I find that we are really similar in a lot of ways. Keep up the great work!
This man speaks good. I am not American but I understand him in these global stuff he speaks. Good man, hi from Bosnia I watch you a lot.
Those DragonCon drum circles after 12AM. The bar. Lots of pairing off, absolutely.
I built my "confidence" by finding comfort where I felt uncomfortable so just hanging out and meeting ppl and having different experiences off that. It's not as hard as i thought it was and sure took a while but now i just feel better about myself because now I know what I want from life and myself. also worrying about building confidence to get women is wack af
Love the B sides Sig
14:24 mad disrespectful 😂😂😂
As someone who is kinda good at feigning confidence, it will always crumble down when you get close to people and you are relaxed.
Thanks for another one!
The concept of 'fake it 'till you make it' regarding confidence was first really taught to me when I had to take a mandatory public speaking class in college, and it really made sense to me. The problem with applying that to more personal interactions, though, has always been that the consequences feel, and are, so much more personal and vulnerable. It's one thing to fake confidence in front of a group of people you're pretty confident will never really interact with you on an intimate level, or people who you already have a solid intimate relationship with. It's an entirely different realm when it comes to people you don't really know who you truly want to view you well intimately. And I think that's the biggest stumbling block; exercise your confidence is great advice in a very generic sense but it doesn't actually mean jack shit to people who don't really understand what confidence means to the people they actually are really invested in impressing.
I'm glad you thought better about the Fantano leg beef. You don't want that thicc boi smoke
I didn't start really getting confident until I started mastering who I was a person. I wasn't a club or bar kinda guy (I'd find out later that I'm on the spectrum which really put me out of sorts in those loud places). I embraced my geekdom and my style of humor that I really started to click with women from both a romantic and non romantic sense. I started taking to women just around my junior college and the local bookstores and had a lot of fun when I stopped trying to be the edge edgelord I thought girls wanted.
Plus I think it's worth mentioning that even if you can take it eventually you'll either burn yourself or from pretending or be found out by the person you're taking to. So be upfront and yourself and you'll eventually find someone that's into you.
"Most self help shit is bullshit"
Imma stay for this one.
I think that one of the best points that you brought up is building a skill. Even if its not one that might bring you in proximity of the desired gender, building that skill can build your self esteem up and give you the resiliency to go out and engage with others. Failing and learning at guitar in the privacy of your room is much more manageable than failing and learning in front of a room of your peers, but the confidence that learning that skill can grant you can give you the ability to go out and engage in those situations and learn.
Thanks for being the solution I really appreciate your content I’ve become a better and informed man because you. God bless ❤
Can you stress more about being open to different women. These men fall in love with me until i tell them im post op trans. Im amazing haha🤣
a lot of men have wierd things around confident women. Just saying. Im getting better at understanding though.
More unsolicited advice.
Before you try to romance or date or hook-up or whatever... you need to go for a long walk, or take a long shower and figure out what it is that you want. Do you want a long term partner who you might even marry some day? Do you want to just try being with different people for a little while to find out more about who you are? Do you want a hook-up?
If you are thinking "ANYTHING I just don't want to be alone!" Sloooow down! Really think it through. Are you sad that there is no one sitting on the couch reading while you work on the computer? Sad there is no one to kiss goodbye each day before you go to work? Or is it more that you want to have sex wake up walk home from their place and keep your nice quiet apartment?
A lot of misery in relationships comes from no one knowing what they want at all.
For practical purposes, even though there are many shades of relationship between hooking up in the upstairs bedroom at the party ...and growing old together after 40 years of happy marriage most people are either "looking for a hook up" OR "looking to build something" The approach and patters are different.
Most of the "bad relationships" my friends had came down to a mismatch in expectations for the future of the relationship. Get that right and you'll avoid a sea of grief.
Shout out to Atlanta. I played wingman for a single friend of mine at a place called Battle and Brew and it was so easy just having conversations. Just talk to people.
You get it bro!!!
I got confidence from doing judo and getting a black belt, not because it made me tough so much as it put me in a position to have to fail over and over until I started to feel a little more competent. Being uncertain and moving forward anyway. And knowing that I can fuck up, and it's actually not the end of the world. Even though I still deal with anxiety, those vibes have translated to a lot of other areas of my life.
This is so helpful for everyone
It's actually very simple. The thing almost everyone get's hung up on is they conflate cofidence and self-esteem (which are VERY different and there's very little evidence that you can actually infuence self-esteem because it's basically reverse trait Neuroticism).
This is important because it has to be understood that confidence is not something you just simply decide to have, nor is it an indication of character/moral virtue (pleeenty of jerks and bad people are confident) it's rather an indication of how successful you are in a given field we're looking at.
Some people might find it un-sexy but confidence is ONLY built by success as opposed to (as MANY people claim) faillure. Faillure might build thick skin, but if you fail 100 times in a row without succeeding at the end and you're confident? I say you're either very delusional or your confidence is fake, it's impossible.
So, we can use this by gradually setting the difficulty of whatever you're trying to get confident in and string victories (and no, confidence isn't transferable, that's, again, self-esteem. If you're a confident basketball player why would you be confident at driving? It makes no sense).
Thank you! Self help is such bootstraps ideology
Oh boyyyy dragoncon.... Oh lawdy....
I effing love this RUclips channel. I wish you were around when I was kicking it younger. I Would have made less mistakes and I would have failed smart.
That dragoncon example was 🔥