'A fridge or a freezer' - that's spot on. I used to call my avoidant person snowmen. He would go cold and detach after sex. I would ask for a cuddle, and it always felt like I was forcing it out of him. His arms would go limp and lifeless.. Then, he would disappear for a few days and give me excuses that he was too busy to text. I felt extremely lonely in this connection, but I learned a lot about all aspects of trauma and got so interested in psychology that I decided to take a uni course. I truly believe that people like my ex a catalysts. They trigger our deepest wounds so we can find the root of our pain and start the healing process. I can also look at these connections from a spiritual perspective and see how avoidants dive deeper into the darkness to help us understand ourselves better and grow from the painful experiences. Now, I can look at their behaviour as 'self-sacrifice' from their side.
33:13 this also true for the other way around. My avoidant ex idealized me. He told me numerous times I was out of his league, can’t believe he got a girl like me, etc. I think he was living a high school fantasy of getting that girl. Which is shattering considering I am so much more and I valued him. He went from adoring me to doing a 180 and couldn’t get me out of his life fast enough.
Ken, you've helped me so much - thank you! A few months after a brutal FA breakup I've done a load of work on myself and am feeling well. But am wondering: how I could trust a relationship again? What are the early signs to look for in an avoidant? I was very trusting before and don't want to swing the other way now, but find it hard to imagine trusting a new relationship.
Wow, I had never heard the idea of avoidant's saying/thinking "I don't want to orgasm with you (because that gives their partner the control). This is actually how I think my ex was before they started to deactivate. Early in the relationship, during sex, they would be very avoidant (haha) of foreplay and just strictly wanted penetrative sex and that's it. My thought was that this was their bid to avoid building close intimacy (or maybe a self-worth issue) if things are just straight sex. As the relationship progressed, they became a little more open to more than just straight penetrative sex, and we had probably the most intimate night in the bed room of our relationship, after that night is exactly when they started the slow fade. We never had sex again after that and only saw each-other maybe 1-2 more times until they pulled the "Im just not ready for a relationship" card. Ken, can you explain more about the idea behind "I worry that if I enjoy this (sex), that you're going to use it against me"?
My DA ex was like this. Would often cry when having one, and started to ask that I try not to make her orgasm because "she didnt want to concentrate on that". Really confused me at the time, especially because this was the beginning of the end, she started to pull away, deactivate, etc until she ultimately broke up with me because "she wasn't in love". It's crazy how Ken brings up "noticing patterns", and hearing so many stories like mine you also really start to see it too.
@@cafesparrow28 These people are broken beyond redemption. Imagine not wanting to orgasm because it makes you feel vulnerable. Let that sink in. Emotional vulnerability is the fundamental requirement of a relationship, and avoidants are just not capable of it. Overwhelmingly, the ones who say they have become secure and come online bashing the anxious are just doing that - another coping mechanism for their issues which they do not want to face.
You have no idea how much you have helped me. Not only you have given me hope and understanding of who I was with, but also about myself and repercussions his attiudes/actions/behavior and trauma have had on me- and most importantly that I am not alone in feeling how I feel, and the healing I need to embark on so I can be the healthy person I used to be before him- not perfect- but healthier than how I am now. Keep doing what you are doing, you are making such a difference in the works. I hipe you know that and if not, I hope this comment reminds you of it.
Got to be tough! As a woman I just calm myself a lot which makes even a dismissive avoidant man chase me/court me. But what is a (hetero) guy supposed to do with an avoidant woman? It's tough, if he slows down a lot, will she then be ok with him again?
It’s funny how I didn’t watch this one at first cause “My avoidant isn’t a woman….” But my situation was basically exactly as this dude. I asked for a committed relationship, he said he just wanted to be friends. Which I respected. We go to a concert together then HE turns on the romance, knowing full well how bad I wanted a relationship with him…then he pulled away and made ME feel like I was the delusional one by saying “I told you what I wanted. I’m not interested in a relationship.” So I ended up feeling bad and questioning myself when he was the one who pursued me romantically, knowing full well what I wanted.
I am an FA woman...previously AP but now realise heavy FA Disregulation on the back of a discard from a DA. I have never been hot/cold I feel it inside but have managed to regulate in a 27 year relationship and a following 3 year. I have never hurt anyone or been disloyal but I do need space to breathe....more so nowadays. Going back into dating at 55 is very hard and makes me want to stay single! With regards to the comment of an FA parent. My dad is FA but never had multiple relationships married to my mum for 55 years...his FA behaviour shows up in his daily interactions and life challenges but due to his generation he would not leave my mum (AP) So things aren't always that obvious and cultural/social factors also play out. This shit is complicated 😅 Good luck to everyone working on it !
'A fridge or a freezer' - that's spot on. I used to call my avoidant person snowmen. He would go cold and detach after sex. I would ask for a cuddle, and it always felt like I was forcing it out of him. His arms would go limp and lifeless..
Then, he would disappear for a few days and give me excuses that he was too busy to text. I felt extremely lonely in this connection, but I learned a lot about all aspects of trauma and got so interested in psychology that I decided to take a uni course. I truly believe that people like my ex a catalysts. They trigger our deepest wounds so we can find the root of our pain and start the healing process.
I can also look at these connections from a spiritual perspective and see how avoidants dive deeper into the darkness to help us understand ourselves better and grow from the painful experiences. Now, I can look at their behaviour as 'self-sacrifice' from their side.
33:13 this also true for the other way around. My avoidant ex idealized me. He told me numerous times I was out of his league, can’t believe he got a girl like me, etc. I think he was living a high school fantasy of getting that girl. Which is shattering considering I am so much more and I valued him. He went from adoring me to doing a 180 and couldn’t get me out of his life fast enough.
Ken, you've helped me so much - thank you! A few months after a brutal FA breakup I've done a load of work on myself and am feeling well. But am wondering: how I could trust a relationship again? What are the early signs to look for in an avoidant? I was very trusting before and don't want to swing the other way now, but find it hard to imagine trusting a new relationship.
Wow, I had never heard the idea of avoidant's saying/thinking "I don't want to orgasm with you (because that gives their partner the control). This is actually how I think my ex was before they started to deactivate. Early in the relationship, during sex, they would be very avoidant (haha) of foreplay and just strictly wanted penetrative sex and that's it. My thought was that this was their bid to avoid building close intimacy (or maybe a self-worth issue) if things are just straight sex. As the relationship progressed, they became a little more open to more than just straight penetrative sex, and we had probably the most intimate night in the bed room of our relationship, after that night is exactly when they started the slow fade. We never had sex again after that and only saw each-other maybe 1-2 more times until they pulled the "Im just not ready for a relationship" card.
Ken, can you explain more about the idea behind "I worry that if I enjoy this (sex), that you're going to use it against me"?
My DA ex was like this. Would often cry when having one, and started to ask that I try not to make her orgasm because "she didnt want to concentrate on that". Really confused me at the time, especially because this was the beginning of the end, she started to pull away, deactivate, etc until she ultimately broke up with me because "she wasn't in love". It's crazy how Ken brings up "noticing patterns", and hearing so many stories like mine you also really start to see it too.
That sounds like a narcissist
@@cafesparrow28 These people are broken beyond redemption. Imagine not wanting to orgasm because it makes you feel vulnerable. Let that sink in. Emotional vulnerability is the fundamental requirement of a relationship, and avoidants are just not capable of it. Overwhelmingly, the ones who say they have become secure and come online bashing the anxious are just doing that - another coping mechanism for their issues which they do not want to face.
You have no idea how much you have helped me. Not only you have given me hope and understanding of who I was with, but also about myself and repercussions his attiudes/actions/behavior and trauma have had on me- and most importantly that I am not alone in feeling how I feel, and the healing I need to embark on so I can be the healthy person I used to be before him- not perfect- but healthier than how I am now. Keep doing what you are doing, you are making such a difference in the works. I hipe you know that and if not, I hope this comment reminds you of it.
Thanks!
Got to be tough! As a woman I just calm myself a lot which makes even a dismissive avoidant man chase me/court me.
But what is a (hetero) guy supposed to do with an avoidant woman? It's tough, if he slows down a lot, will she then be ok with him again?
It’s funny how I didn’t watch this one at first cause
“My avoidant isn’t a woman….”
But my situation was basically exactly as this dude. I asked for a committed relationship, he said he just wanted to be friends. Which I respected.
We go to a concert together then HE turns on the romance, knowing full well how bad I wanted a relationship with him…then he pulled away and made ME feel like I was the delusional one by saying
“I told you what I wanted. I’m not interested in a relationship.”
So I ended up feeling bad and questioning myself when he was the one who pursued me romantically, knowing full well what I wanted.
I am an FA woman...previously AP but now realise heavy FA Disregulation on the back of a discard from a DA. I have never been hot/cold I feel it inside but have managed to regulate in a 27 year relationship and a following 3 year. I have never hurt anyone or been disloyal but I do need space to breathe....more so nowadays. Going back into dating at 55 is very hard and makes me want to stay single!
With regards to the comment of an FA parent. My dad is FA but never had multiple relationships married to my mum for 55 years...his FA behaviour shows up in his daily interactions and life challenges but due to his generation he would not leave my mum (AP) So things aren't always that obvious and cultural/social factors also play out. This shit is complicated 😅 Good luck to everyone working on it !
I was AP and have now turned more FA since a really bad heartbreak. Also enjoying the solitude and needing space.
❤
Also, how can I send a letter telling you my story? In hopes you get to read it and give me some insight?
YES! I do not have social media and I want to just send it to an email!
I have a letter to have you examine, please.