They absolutely use the phrases: “I only want to go with the flow.” “I don’t want to waste your time.” “I just can’t get there (emotionally).” “I don’t want to hurt you”…while they are. They will call your situationship a relationship. They 100% use work, their health issues, their mommy, volunteering…whatever…as excuses as to why they cannot be in a relationship “right now.” They breadcrumb until they are done. They literally turn their back to you in bed, flinch when you touch them, cannot accept affection, and eventually don’t want sex with YOU. Then they completely ghost. You CANNOT have healthy, long-term communication with them. I don’t care how well you communicate. They DO NOT want romantic time with you. Being with them is incredibly confusing, you have NO say, and you’ll be lonely to the level of self-harm ideation.
May I add being passively annoyed at you when you dare to act like you in relationship with them because you are in a relationship with them 💀 they'll stay but will hate you for staying
I was told this after the break up: "I will be honest with you. Find somebody else, who will be honest with you." Still scratching my head over the meaning of it. 🤯
@riverbilly64 Mine literally could NOT accept affection, either. NO hugs, NO hand-holding, no kiss on the cheek, NO nuthin'. I tried to hug him ONE time...he flinched, his entire body went rigid and he took a step back away from me! I was beyond stunned. Weirdest relationship I was ever in!! Yet he claimed he was in love with me (and I believe he truly was). NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!
You learn how to communicate compassionately, which helps, to an extent. But inevitably you realise that you are using language in a way that removes their accountability. You phrase things in the gentlest way possible so that they don't feel under attack. But they still do. And by doing it, you minimise your feelings and how the situation impacted you. You start fawning. It's frustrating.
I was in a 6 year relationship and was dumped 6 months ago after i kicked her out for treating me, the house and herself terribly. I never broke up with her but the disrespect and avoidance was too much and she needed space to think about her actions and i needed to heal. We tried to restart but she was not interested in being romantic half the time. She slow faded out after getting into a car accident from leaving a conversation we were having and slow faded away after. I brought up her avoidant tendencies and she discarded me and shut me out. Totally blown away by all of this. I hope people like me are absolutely blown away by our next partners so much that we forget our exes name.
On what planet is all this tapdancing around their psychotic immature behavior worth it? Especially since you'll get pretty much nothing but shit treatment and anxiety in return (from experience)...and I'm not generally an anxious person. No adult should ever expect to be coddled this way. My 8 year old nieces have more emotional maturity.
my husband after 3 years broke up with me via text when i finally set my boundaries after so long. then turned it back on me accusing me of all this BS.
I'm so sad. 12 years married w an avoidant and it totally imploded. He literally deals with nothing. We couldn't discuss bills. Family planning. Goals. Was he loving yes. Amazing with acts of service and gifts. But drank to much. I'm anxious and was so resentful and totally fried by the end. It got so toxic. Still hurts. Then I dated ANOTHER ONE. I'm 45. It honestly does feel hopeless. I can't seem to move on.
I never have these problems because I've made a conscious decision to care for the 4 legged creatures only, specifically the K-9 variety ! After living a life of unfulfilled human interaction & internal covert drama, it's just not worth the effort ; humans are just too unpredictable for comfort. WOOF !
I’m in a kind of friendship situation with my dismissive avoidant ex who I’ve dated for a very short while. He’s my neighbour and therefore it’s hard to go no contact. He has been ignoring me for a while after I ended things but now he seeks contact through what feels like are excuses. He recently told me he’s depressed and is on sick leave. I was hoping to have some kind of conversation around what has happened (he brought home a female co worker the night after I ended it and she stayed the night, he made sure I heard) but he seems to have made up his mind why things went wrong (ofcourse it was all my fault). He does not want to work on himself/his attachment style because that is not the problem according to him (the problem is we were not a good match). I’m starting to feel resentful towards him because I feel I can’t be open about my side of things without him dismissing it. We are bickering everytime we talk. How can I handle this situation/go to less or no contact without him acting all awkward towards me again? Any tips?
Do these (men) avoiders ever answer your questions? Or take accountability for hurting you? And never tell you their feelings for you? And they just ghost or stop talking to you? You never know if you’ll hear from them again or get the apology you needed. When you told them that’s all you cared for from them, yet they still don’t give you that apology. Is this an avoidant or a covert narc that I dealt with? I can’t seem to understand. It’s so hurtful. If anyone can answer or give me their opinion, it would be appreciated.
@@michaella5799 What does that mean? You can wait months and still not know these questions. And really that was a pretty shitty answer and insensitive!
@@melissa3986 It means they are judging you. Men (myself included) judge women for making bad slections in man and complaining about it. It's really not fair to women in general, we would face the same problem if we could attract "better" partners...anyways, it's a rude comment to make on an avoidant video, and you really didn't deserve it. Avoidants, especially - give all the right answers at the beginning, anyways. I'll answer your question - all avoidants are different, they are a range of people with different behaviours...It's very hard to tell the difference between a narc or voidant becuse you will never know what their true intentions were - the behaviour is the same, the intentions are different. Either way, everything they said - they did believe when they said it. They will feel guilty bout it, but they will never show you an they will cover up that shame with avoidant practices...everything you feel right now, the hurt - etc...is why they do what they do - they were scared you were going to make them feel that - both the avoidant and the narc.
Narc behavior and Avoidant behavior is very similar, with the main difference being intent. However, a person's intent doesn't matter when you are on the receiving end of hurtful behaviors. After you figure out what hit you (Narc or Avoidant) consider learning how to spot these folks so hopefully you can avoid them in future relationships. No point in getting hurt repeatedly if you can prevent it. Wishing you the best. Your hurt and confusion will eventually pass, however it's going to take time.
Everything you listed is classic avoidant behavior. It IS NOT you, it’s them. They discard you. Do your very best to move on. Don’t reach out to them. Look for what you deserve. Therapy, meditation, exercise, nutrition…Treat yourself with great and gentle kindness. You will heal. I promise, but it will take time and distance.
They absolutely use the phrases: “I only want to go with the flow.” “I don’t want to waste your time.” “I just can’t get there (emotionally).” “I don’t want to hurt you”…while they are. They will call your situationship a relationship. They 100% use work, their health issues, their mommy, volunteering…whatever…as excuses as to why they cannot be in a relationship “right now.” They breadcrumb until they are done. They literally turn their back to you in bed, flinch when you touch them, cannot accept affection, and eventually don’t want sex with YOU. Then they completely ghost. You CANNOT have healthy, long-term communication with them. I don’t care how well you communicate. They DO NOT want romantic time with you. Being with them is incredibly confusing, you have NO say, and you’ll be lonely to the level of self-harm ideation.
It’s close to my experience
Spot on. It’s uncanny how so many people have such similar experiences.
May I add being passively annoyed at you when you dare to act like you in relationship with them because you are in a relationship with them 💀 they'll stay but will hate you for staying
I was told this after the break up: "I will be honest with you. Find somebody else, who will be honest with you." Still scratching my head over the meaning of it. 🤯
@riverbilly64 Mine literally could NOT accept affection, either. NO hugs, NO hand-holding, no kiss on the cheek, NO nuthin'. I tried to hug him ONE time...he flinched, his entire body went rigid and he took a step back away from me! I was beyond stunned. Weirdest relationship I was ever in!! Yet he claimed he was in love with me (and I believe he truly was). NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!
You learn how to communicate compassionately, which helps, to an extent. But inevitably you realise that you are using language in a way that removes their accountability. You phrase things in the gentlest way possible so that they don't feel under attack. But they still do. And by doing it, you minimise your feelings and how the situation impacted you. You start fawning. It's frustrating.
The way I had to carefully change my language, was the way I had to change myself in order to be with them. Everything for, all in all, nothing.
I was in a 6 year relationship and was dumped 6 months ago after i kicked her out for treating me, the house and herself terribly. I never broke up with her but the disrespect and avoidance was too much and she needed space to think about her actions and i needed to heal. We tried to restart but she was not interested in being romantic half the time. She slow faded out after getting into a car accident from leaving a conversation we were having and slow faded away after. I brought up her avoidant tendencies and she discarded me and shut me out. Totally blown away by all of this. I hope people like me are absolutely blown away by our next partners so much that we forget our exes name.
On what planet is all this tapdancing around their psychotic immature behavior worth it? Especially since you'll get pretty much nothing but shit treatment and anxiety in return (from experience)...and I'm not generally an anxious person. No adult should ever expect to be coddled this way. My 8 year old nieces have more emotional maturity.
I'm with you 100%.
my husband after 3 years broke up with me via text when i finally set my boundaries after so long. then turned it back on me accusing me of all this BS.
Great content. Super spot on.
Great info Ken! Thank you for your content. ♥️
I'm so sad. 12 years married w an avoidant and it totally imploded. He literally deals with nothing. We couldn't discuss bills. Family planning. Goals. Was he loving yes. Amazing with acts of service and gifts. But drank to much. I'm anxious and was so resentful and totally fried by the end. It got so toxic. Still hurts. Then I dated ANOTHER ONE. I'm 45. It honestly does feel hopeless. I can't seem to move on.
Love your videos!!
I never have these problems because I've made a conscious decision to care for the 4 legged creatures only, specifically the K-9 variety ! After living a life of unfulfilled human interaction & internal covert drama, it's just not worth the effort ; humans are just too unpredictable for comfort. WOOF !
I’m in a kind of friendship situation with my dismissive avoidant ex who I’ve dated for a very short while. He’s my neighbour and therefore it’s hard to go no contact. He has been ignoring me for a while after I ended things but now he seeks contact through what feels like are excuses. He recently told me he’s depressed and is on sick leave. I was hoping to have some kind of conversation around what has happened (he brought home a female co worker the night after I ended it and she stayed the night, he made sure I heard) but he seems to have made up his mind why things went wrong (ofcourse it was all my fault). He does not want to work on himself/his attachment style because that is not the problem according to him (the problem is we were not a good match). I’m starting to feel resentful towards him because I feel I can’t be open about my side of things without him dismissing it. We are bickering everytime we talk. How can I handle this situation/go to less or no contact without him acting all awkward towards me again? Any tips?
Do these (men) avoiders ever answer your questions? Or take accountability for hurting you? And never tell you their feelings for you? And they just ghost or stop talking to you? You never know if you’ll hear from them again or get the apology you needed. When you told them that’s all you cared for from them, yet they still don’t give you that apology. Is this an avoidant or a covert narc that I dealt with? I can’t seem to understand. It’s so hurtful. If anyone can answer or give me their opinion, it would be appreciated.
You should probably ask these questions before he is using you for sex not after.. would help you retain value.
@@michaella5799 What does that mean? You can wait months and still not know these questions. And really that was a pretty shitty answer and insensitive!
@@melissa3986 It means they are judging you. Men (myself included) judge women for making bad slections in man and complaining about it. It's really not fair to women in general, we would face the same problem if we could attract "better" partners...anyways, it's a rude comment to make on an avoidant video, and you really didn't deserve it. Avoidants, especially - give all the right answers at the beginning, anyways.
I'll answer your question - all avoidants are different, they are a range of people with different behaviours...It's very hard to tell the difference between a narc or voidant becuse you will never know what their true intentions were - the behaviour is the same, the intentions are different. Either way, everything they said - they did believe when they said it. They will feel guilty bout it, but they will never show you an they will cover up that shame with avoidant practices...everything you feel right now, the hurt - etc...is why they do what they do - they were scared you were going to make them feel that - both the avoidant and the narc.
Narc behavior and Avoidant behavior is very similar, with the main difference being intent. However, a person's intent doesn't matter when you are on the receiving end of hurtful behaviors. After you figure out what hit you (Narc or Avoidant) consider learning how to spot these folks so hopefully you can avoid them in future relationships. No point in getting hurt repeatedly if you can prevent it. Wishing you the best. Your hurt and confusion will eventually pass, however it's going to take time.
Everything you listed is classic avoidant behavior. It IS NOT you, it’s them. They discard you. Do your very best to move on. Don’t reach out to them. Look for what you deserve. Therapy, meditation, exercise, nutrition…Treat yourself with great and gentle kindness. You will heal. I promise, but it will take time and distance.
Ken good afternoon from India ❤