My partner does not do that, he has other aspects of dismissive avoidant behavior. What I do know though, is listening to what you are saying, you are very giving, very willing to allow behavior that you are viewing as you being fair to the other and are willing to accept that you need to bend and weave. You deserve more. You are a good person, you deserve real love and respect. You deserve to love yourself and learn to be more selfish. As a people pleaser, you will think you are being selfish, but boundaries are as you know important and they are not being selfish. Feeling selfish for a people pleaser is a signal you are doing some things for yourself and should do more for yourself to prove to yourself you are worth your love of you. hearing this kind of stuff from people has helped me know that what I have been going through is real and I am not crazy. Thanks for your video,it is important to talk and share to learn more and grow as loving human beings who stand by our own personal boundaries confidently.
Thanks a lot, this is really relatable to my situation with her. We were only together for 3 short months, but our chats were super intense. We literally chatted all day, morning, noon, and night. Then, when the third month came, she was sick, and suddenly, she disappeared. I tried to reach out, but she didn't respond and After a couple of days, she finally replied,by saying, "You're still waiting for me?" Honestly, that hurt me so much. I felt stupid for chasing her. After that, we started chatting again, but the intensity had decreased. She started replying less frequently, often responding weeks later. Foolishly, I still kept chasing her until I got angry and spoke harshly, maybe too rude. She apologized and told me not to have expectations because she’s not a good person. But I kept getting mad, and eventually, she got tired and ended things. Now, we’re like strangers. I’ve been doing no contact for over two months now, and honestly, I want her to reach out to me. But if I reach out first, I’m scared she won’t reply. What should I do?
Yeah this is a tricky one my friend. I totally get the intensity. People say only 3 months, but 3 super amazing months connecting with an avoidant can hook you forever. They are like nothing else. That's where the honeymoon ends for them just as we are in love. They live for the thrill of the chase and those early highs. Like she said, they don't think much of themselves. I honestly think she thinks your a good person, too good to continue hurting when she can't see a future. I know if you reach out at the wrong time, she will block you. If it's been a month or two you can always just say "hey just hoping your OK" . If she has no intention then she will tell you or ignore you. You know where you stand. If she is responding then take it super slow and don't ever mention relationship. Watch my no contact video. It's a gamble but you can't loose what you don't have.
I didn't start anxious. Was with a guy 10 years and fine if anything I was more loved by him. This avoidant man I've been with 5 years like a warrior hanging in there. Blocked on his social media. He's used dating sites throughout and says its 'just chatting.' No relationship status. I'm not allowed to be around his family events he says they think we are 'too different.' Even tho he goes on my family holidays. He can go for a month disappear. Then always back. If we have a great weekend or holiday he goes cold immediately after. He will say he wants to marry me or move in with me. Then a week later angrily list everything he hates about me. I used to think is he a narcissist. Then got the book attached. Got him to take test even tho he didn't want to as I know he had bad childhood. And he came out avoidant. He's not interested in that of course and thinks I'm the problem and just burdensome and emotional. When someone dies I have to deal with it alone as he hates 'drama.' I'm wondering...... do I want another 5 years of empty promises and being majority alone. I'm in love. But yeah is it enough.
This has got to be the worst experience of my life. Avoidants just DON'T CARE!!! You could be sitting together then witness an accident happen right in front of your eyes. They will look at you to see if you comment about it, if you don't, they also keep quiet. They will withhold things that mean a lot to you deliberately, you'll watch a nice movie & they'll just up & leave after and never even say anything about it. Then comes the emotional & intimacy abuse until you do what they want. I am in the process of fighting for custody for our two kids because I do not want them growing up against a person that can never even say well done, I am proud of you. Their ability to just suck the air out of the room is astounding. You'll be left wondering how a person can be that dark. Trust me it does not & it will not get better. On my birthday she said how come there are no recent photos of us together. That basically sums up our relationship. Get out now!!!+
great video … thank you It’s so true … I got the same experience. I kind of feel still drawn to this toxic feeling… I see him but feel nothing… is almost I want the feeling from the beginning back. But this was just the honeymoon illusion… the reality of the relationship was so different. I recognized low character skills like no comparison, no empathy, ignorance, arrogance, big ego & pride, inconsistency, manipulation , playing mind games, cheating behavior Still recovering… step by step, really hard experience and lesson
I found second time around, to block all contact, delete all memories and after that only time helped me heal. Definitely not easy and will hurt in some ways forever. Thank you for your feedback.
I made him a lovely dinner and he called me smothering. I tried once again recently as he actually asked for a roast dinner. I spent ages did lovely cnadles on table. He came down, said he was having a panic attack felt ill and when i asked oh just eat a little maybe youll feel better he threw the cutlery on the floor and said i only care about myself. Needless to say ge was fine soon as id just put dinner away. Nightmare. I wont bother cooking again. But he always makes quips that i cant cook. You cant win! So just dont bloody try as i swear ive tried EVERYTHING
@@droflivelife yep I'm aware of this and my friends are like.... just leave him! I've decided to just change how i see him. Not lose him from my life but also not allow him to affect my life. View myself now as a single woman until someone massively marries me or something.
8:40 I have been studying psychology and from my understanding, avoidants need external validation because they are insecure about themselves. They have low self-esteem and confidence. What goes in their mind is anybody's guess but I believe, unlike us, they don't feel the satisfaction just with their partner's attention, they want as much attention as possible to "feel good" about themselves
Sorry loads of comments! But also if i do try to just move on and get on with life alone, he comes back with flowers and says all the things i was wanting to hear and its so hard to say no. Even tho you know next week will be the same. They can come across totally genuine and stare lovingly in your eyes like nobody else ive ever known.
They can't change sadly. I know male avoidants especially spend their whole time looking for something different, when they can't find it, they run back, but only to start looking again. The cycle never stops. Please be strong and say goodbye. Your emotional and physical health is suffering.
@@droflivelife after 5 years I'm coming to this zen place of... maybe i'll take a lover myself, and just be happy in myself and entertain him if and when it suits me? ie. reduce my expectations.... As yes it does appear after multiple times of "i'm so sorry i'll never do it again" it just happens again. I've done my best. All my friends and family know i've tried. He's made all his friends and family believe I am the issue which means there can never be a good relationship there now. So i think he needs to now be relegated to the position of optional lover/ fun companion when it happens. Then there is no suffering as there is no expectation.
It's addictive cycle and we all really need to work on ourself and question why we keep going back me included 7 years on and off with mine the sexy selfies was very disturbing for me I used to ask why are you not sending them to me it's just what young people do was her answer ! Communication was awful sometimes days without responding to my texts phone calls funny enough she did tell me she loved me then discarded me shortly afterwards terrible with money and has no real girlfriends which bothered her badly never really criticised me tbh her birthday next week and she will expect me to reach out but honestly can't it will enable her and sends out the message she can treat me like shit and can still have me as an option keep the videos coming it's good to share I have many strange stories to tell being with her that long which make no sense at all
Wow. Thank you. I can relate to most of that. Especially the selfies. I'd definitely not reach out on the birthday. As I mentioned in the video, best to block and delete.
Yes this is the worst. When they cheat they do video calls and will drive an hour to their house. Whereas me he wouldn't make any such effort for. Even tho I'm always the one he comes running back to when he breaks a leg or something.
She didn't have friends or real friends like my boyfriend as they essentially do treat people like shit in general, taking good bits, bot maintaining any relationship tho. Family they seem to always fake to as I dunno maybe they see a future reason to keep in there.
@@droflivelife yes only reach out if you fully accept you will then continue a merry dance of mind fuckery. It's in our control whether or not we keep doing it.
Your possibly very correct. After I learnt about attachment style I stopped being anxious, needy and didn't bring up commitment topics. She kept talking about kids, house, rings, wedding. So yeah I was confused. Usually only people in love talk about this.
No, not doomed at all. I think my next video will be about how to get back, as some people want to. Just don't over do, the I want you back. Play it very slow, this time just wait for them to make contact
I feel you are reading into everything too much... I feel you are paranoid .. I disagree with the cheating ..I am an avoidant and I don't cheat or leave one relationship for the next I am the opposite.. why should we have to change our status on our Facebook page that's none of your business..
I'm not saying your all the same but if you read the comments left to my videos and of others about avoidants, they mostly experience exactly what I'm describing
My partner does not do that, he has other aspects of dismissive avoidant behavior. What I do know though, is listening to what you are saying, you are very giving, very willing to allow behavior that you are viewing as you being fair to the other and are willing to accept that you need to bend and weave. You deserve more. You are a good person, you deserve real love and respect. You deserve to love yourself and learn to be more selfish. As a people pleaser, you will think you are being selfish, but boundaries are as you know important and they are not being selfish. Feeling selfish for a people pleaser is a signal you are doing some things for yourself and should do more for yourself to prove to yourself you are worth your love of you. hearing this kind of stuff from people has helped me know that what I have been going through is real and I am not crazy. Thanks for your video,it is important to talk and share to learn more and grow as loving human beings who stand by our own personal boundaries confidently.
Thanks for your insight and kind words. You are exactly right and that's why I didn't want her back the second time and am focusing on myself.
Thanks a lot, this is really relatable to my situation with her. We were only together for 3 short months, but our chats were super intense. We literally chatted all day, morning, noon, and night. Then, when the third month came, she was sick, and suddenly, she disappeared. I tried to reach out, but she didn't respond and After a couple of days, she finally replied,by saying, "You're still waiting for me?" Honestly, that hurt me so much. I felt stupid for chasing her.
After that, we started chatting again, but the intensity had decreased. She started replying less frequently, often responding weeks later. Foolishly, I still kept chasing her until I got angry and spoke harshly, maybe too rude. She apologized and told me not to have expectations because she’s not a good person. But I kept getting mad, and eventually, she got tired and ended things. Now, we’re like strangers.
I’ve been doing no contact for over two months now, and honestly, I want her to reach out to me. But if I reach out first, I’m scared she won’t reply. What should I do?
Yeah this is a tricky one my friend. I totally get the intensity. People say only 3 months, but 3 super amazing months connecting with an avoidant can hook you forever. They are like nothing else. That's where the honeymoon ends for them just as we are in love. They live for the thrill of the chase and those early highs. Like she said, they don't think much of themselves. I honestly think she thinks your a good person, too good to continue hurting when she can't see a future. I know if you reach out at the wrong time, she will block you. If it's been a month or two you can always just say "hey just hoping your OK" . If she has no intention then she will tell you or ignore you. You know where you stand. If she is responding then take it super slow and don't ever mention relationship. Watch my no contact video. It's a gamble but you can't loose what you don't have.
I didn't start anxious. Was with a guy 10 years and fine if anything I was more loved by him. This avoidant man I've been with 5 years like a warrior hanging in there. Blocked on his social media. He's used dating sites throughout and says its 'just chatting.' No relationship status. I'm not allowed to be around his family events he says they think we are 'too different.' Even tho he goes on my family holidays. He can go for a month disappear. Then always back. If we have a great weekend or holiday he goes cold immediately after. He will say he wants to marry me or move in with me. Then a week later angrily list everything he hates about me. I used to think is he a narcissist. Then got the book attached. Got him to take test even tho he didn't want to as I know he had bad childhood. And he came out avoidant. He's not interested in that of course and thinks I'm the problem and just burdensome and emotional. When someone dies I have to deal with it alone as he hates 'drama.' I'm wondering...... do I want another 5 years of empty promises and being majority alone. I'm in love. But yeah is it enough.
This has got to be the worst experience of my life.
Avoidants just DON'T CARE!!! You could be sitting together then witness an accident happen right in front of your eyes. They will look at you to see if you comment about it, if you don't, they also keep quiet.
They will withhold things that mean a lot to you deliberately, you'll watch a nice movie & they'll just up & leave after and never even say anything about it.
Then comes the emotional & intimacy abuse until you do what they want. I am in the process of fighting for custody for our two kids because I do not want them growing up against a person that can never even say well done, I am proud of you.
Their ability to just suck the air out of the room is astounding. You'll be left wondering how a person can be that dark.
Trust me it does not & it will not get better.
On my birthday she said how come there are no recent photos of us together. That basically sums up our relationship.
Get out now!!!+
❤ thank you for your efforts for making this video. Love and light to you ❤
O your beautiful. Thank you so much for your kind words.
@@droflivelife you are welcome and you are amazing ❤️
@@sapnapandey5922 I'm very grateful for the message
great video … thank you
It’s so true … I got the same experience. I kind of feel still drawn to this toxic feeling… I see him but feel nothing… is almost I want the feeling from the beginning back. But this was just the honeymoon illusion… the reality of the relationship was so different. I recognized low character skills like no comparison, no empathy, ignorance, arrogance, big ego & pride, inconsistency, manipulation , playing mind games, cheating behavior
Still recovering… step by step, really hard experience and lesson
I found second time around, to block all contact, delete all memories and after that only time helped me heal. Definitely not easy and will hurt in some ways forever. Thank you for your feedback.
I made him a lovely dinner and he called me smothering. I tried once again recently as he actually asked for a roast dinner. I spent ages did lovely cnadles on table. He came down, said he was having a panic attack felt ill and when i asked oh just eat a little maybe youll feel better he threw the cutlery on the floor and said i only care about myself. Needless to say ge was fine soon as id just put dinner away. Nightmare. I wont bother cooking again. But he always makes quips that i cant cook. You cant win! So just dont bloody try as i swear ive tried EVERYTHING
You seem like your doing all the work and getting discarded. This is emotional abuse, one of the worst cases in avoidant relationships. Save yourself.
@@droflivelife yep I'm aware of this and my friends are like.... just leave him! I've decided to just change how i see him. Not lose him from my life but also not allow him to affect my life. View myself now as a single woman until someone massively marries me or something.
8:40
I have been studying psychology and from my understanding, avoidants need external validation because they are insecure about themselves. They have low self-esteem and confidence. What goes in their mind is anybody's guess but I believe, unlike us, they don't feel the satisfaction just with their partner's attention, they want as much attention as possible to "feel good" about themselves
That is exactly the case. Mine was happy with my attention for about 2 months then every one but me seem to be important, attractive or interesting
Sorry loads of comments! But also if i do try to just move on and get on with life alone, he comes back with flowers and says all the things i was wanting to hear and its so hard to say no. Even tho you know next week will be the same. They can come across totally genuine and stare lovingly in your eyes like nobody else ive ever known.
They can't change sadly. I know male avoidants especially spend their whole time looking for something different, when they can't find it, they run back, but only to start looking again. The cycle never stops. Please be strong and say goodbye. Your emotional and physical health is suffering.
@@droflivelife after 5 years I'm coming to this zen place of... maybe i'll take a lover myself, and just be happy in myself and entertain him if and when it suits me? ie. reduce my expectations.... As yes it does appear after multiple times of "i'm so sorry i'll never do it again" it just happens again. I've done my best. All my friends and family know i've tried. He's made all his friends and family believe I am the issue which means there can never be a good relationship there now. So i think he needs to now be relegated to the position of optional lover/ fun companion when it happens. Then there is no suffering as there is no expectation.
It's addictive cycle and we all really need to work on ourself and question why we keep going back me included 7 years on and off with mine the sexy selfies was very disturbing for me I used to ask why are you not sending them to me it's just what young people do was her answer ! Communication was awful sometimes days without responding to my texts phone calls funny enough she did tell me she loved me then discarded me shortly afterwards terrible with money and has no real girlfriends which bothered her badly never really criticised me tbh her birthday next week and she will expect me to reach out but honestly can't it will enable her and sends out the message she can treat me like shit and can still have me as an option keep the videos coming it's good to share I have many strange stories to tell being with her that long which make no sense at all
Wow. Thank you. I can relate to most of that. Especially the selfies. I'd definitely not reach out on the birthday. As I mentioned in the video, best to block and delete.
Yes this is the worst. When they cheat they do video calls and will drive an hour to their house. Whereas me he wouldn't make any such effort for. Even tho I'm always the one he comes running back to when he breaks a leg or something.
She didn't have friends or real friends like my boyfriend as they essentially do treat people like shit in general, taking good bits, bot maintaining any relationship tho. Family they seem to always fake to as I dunno maybe they see a future reason to keep in there.
@ARTEMIS-m9t that's so so true.
@@droflivelife yes only reach out if you fully accept you will then continue a merry dance of mind fuckery. It's in our control whether or not we keep doing it.
Maybe she isn't in love with you maybe she likes you but not in love.. Anxious avoidants just slow down
Your possibly very correct. After I learnt about attachment style I stopped being anxious, needy and didn't bring up commitment topics. She kept talking about kids, house, rings, wedding. So yeah I was confused. Usually only people in love talk about this.
I reached out 2 time in 2 week post BU to my DA ex. Am I doomed?
No, not doomed at all. I think my next video will be about how to get back, as some people want to. Just don't over do, the I want you back. Play it very slow, this time just wait for them to make contact
@@droflivelife thx for the tips I will definitely not reach out again even if it’s hard.
@uno5976 they usually reach out at some point. Then just try talk about anything but the relationship and I hope my next video will help.
@@droflivelife even tho the moment she deactivated after flawfinding, she deleted me everywhere without blocking me? 😅
@uno5976 yeah they don't usually block unless you go overboard. They still want to know you can contact them as they are also confused
I feel you are reading into everything too much... I feel you are paranoid .. I disagree with the cheating ..I am an avoidant and I don't cheat or leave one relationship for the next I am the opposite.. why should we have to change our status on our Facebook page that's none of your business..
I'm not saying your all the same but if you read the comments left to my videos and of others about avoidants, they mostly experience exactly what I'm describing
Your too much...
Yes typical avoidant response.