That reminds me I saw a sticker on the back of a truck today that said “fuck communist” in pink swirly font and I just had to roll my eyes. It didn’t even make sense, fuck communism? Or fuck communists? Idk either way it wasn’t correct lmao
I wish I wasn’t so scared to engage in online fandom spaces. I’m 28, painfully nervous with new people and tend to just lurk. With so much discourse and people trying to tell others that how to engage and enjoy in fandom it makes me so nervous. People tend to throw around serious terms and accusations and it just makes me scared to open up in places
I feel like the number one thing that helped ease my anxiety about that as a person in my 20s is knowing that people who participate in unproductive discourse the most are either 1. Much younger than me, or 2. Not people whose opinions I'd take very seriously anyway. Remember that it's possible to enjoy and be critical of media at the same time.
my suggestion? create a throw away account, and just reply to some stuff. what's the worst that could happen? You get some nasty comments and people telling you you're not enjoying that thing right? Whatever. Who cares. That's why it's a throwaway account, because if things don't work out, you can just delete it and move on. But maybe you'll get some comments about how that's a cool insight that other people hadn't thought of.
Oh 28 is a hard age, you’re smart enough to be self aware, too young to not a fu**. I know this is harder said than done, but just do it scared. The more you do it, the less you will be scared. I like the idea of using a throwaway account. ^^ Remember: *You deserve to exist in space as much as anyone else.* ❤❤
Been in different online fandoms since they emerged (40 here. Elder Millennial and saw many fandoms rise and die online). You're not wrong in the anxiety you feel. Even in some of the most welcoming fandoms I've been a part of, there has been some level of toxic subculture and it can be overwhelming. Especially when many of them pull the "high school English teacher" attitude of "You're interpreting the work wrong".
You got some really great ideas here! If you'll oblige me, may I offer a bit of a radical idea? Think of this as more planting a seed rather than telling you a thing to do. What about starting your own fan space? Maybe a blog where you give your thoughts and opinions on the thing you like? Maybe you administer a forum for the same? You can write the rules in order to cultivate the kind of space you wish you could find, but other people don't hold the same things as important to you? If someone acts a fool you can kick them out, which can be a little cathartic. It is work, which is a bummer, but sometimes being in control makes the work bearable. These are just my thoughts, from a person who has started a few online spaces because I found the existing ones toxic and awful. Whatever route you follow, I think you'll find a comfortable groove; you seem self aware enough that some of the identity work is already done. I get the feeling you already "know who you are", now it's just a matter of finding a few like-minded people to fill the gap.
As a public librarian, I sincerely appreciate the support! During the entire section in which you were detailing different ways to get into hobbies and form community, I was getting my typing fingers ready to write, "your library is probably a great resource for most of that!" I think people forget that libraries are not just book repositories; we are community spaces that seek to foster lifelong learning no matter where your interests may take you. Come check us out! Even if you don't have a library card, many libraries will still offer access to in-person or online programming. Many will also offer temporary cards that grant access to online resources. Most library programs and services are free and/or low cost. It's a great place to start.
This is really encouraging for me because i’m really directionless rn and I know I want to eventually get my general education done online through community college so I can go into a trade school after. But I’ve been so lonely I have like no irl friends (they’re all online) and the only place I go out to is work so I’ve been thinking about going to the library and seeing if they need any volunteers for any programs. I definitely will now after reading your comment
The public library is the best place on earth and I wish I could give your comment 700 likes! Thanks for being a librarian. You're doing an amazing service to your community!
When I was a teenager I put my whole identity on being the "smart kid who made straight A's" which was bad because as soon as I didn't make an A I would have a mental breakdown, then in college I made my whole identity "I'm going to be a teacher" but luckily now that I'm out of college and am actually teaching, and after a lot of therapy, I have realized that my identity is not just one thing and I actually know who I am. So thank you for this video it helped affirm that I'm on the right track.
I have ADHD, so my identity is very dependent on where the serotonin drags me. Having finally figured that out, i have come to the conclusion that i am a nerd. An artsy, opinionated, queer, nerd.
I grew up ibln a similar type of Christianity as Girl Defined. I didn't just not learn much about who I was as an individual, I was taught not to look (a lesson that took far longer to shake than Christianity itself). I really appreciate this video. I'm currently stumbling through my 40s trying to figure out a lot of stuff about myself that I really wish I'd known a long time ago.
i think everyone likes to pretend they know exactly who they are all the time. But that's just not the truth. How can any of us truly know exactly who we are when we're always growing and changing anyway? so i think it's ok to not know exactly who you are. I think it's ok to take some time to figure that out. And even if you don't have it figured out now, i think that's fine. Because you're not done living yet anyway. I mean, i kinda know who i am now, But i don't know who i'm gonna be in 5 years, because i'm not there. And that's alright. that's how it's supposed to be. People are supposed to grow and change. So give yourself a break. you're not done yet, so you don't have to know everything, and you don't have to have yourself completely figured out yet.
I am in a very similar place. Grew up mormon and so I was literally told not to try to figure out who I was, my only purpose was to conform to the group. It's hard to shake.
@@bottomofastairwell i'm starting to think that the essence of "who i am" is my motivation and default emotion. those are the things that guide my decision making and problem solving. the details don't really matter because they're examples of my essence.
This is so relatable. I’m 44 and feel so behind because of my upbringing. I’m doing work now that I should have done in my 20s. Sometimes I hate my young self but I have to offer compassion. It wasn’t all her fault.
A therapist I saw for a short time asked me the funeral question and it blew my mind. Definitely helped bring things into perspective at the time! As someone who didn't get a real childhood or teenage years, I find myself going back to what made me happy as a kid. I sometimes do things that I missed out on as well, like going to free/low cost museums or purchasing toys that child me could never have. For me it helps sooth the trauma a bit and also helps with forming an identity.
Definetly needed a video like this. It’s been feeling like I have been doing my young adult years the wrong way as I see everyone else my age going to concerts and bars and going clubbing and I have little interest in doing any of those things but I have been feeling like I SHOULD what to do those typical things. It’s comforting to know that there nothing wrong with staying home and wanting to dance alone instead 💕
your identity can be whatever you want it to be. it's YOURS. Be who you want. There's nothing wrong with being anything you want. If going to concerts is your thing? Cool. If staying home and reading books and sipping tea is your things? Cool. If you like doing both? Cool. The only thing you shouldn't be is an asshole (at least in my opinion.) everything else is up to you. That's the cool thing about life, there's not right or wrong way to live it
I work at an animal shelter. A lot of people who work in this profession tend to make it a big part of their identity. It can really take a toll on people's emotional health. It's a really hard balance to maintain for sure. You have to put some of yourself and emotions into your work, it's almost unavoidable. However, I've seen some people throw their whole self into the job and that's a recipe for disaster. If you have nothing else the tragic things that happen here all the time will distroy you.
I work in care and I agree with everything you say. The worst is when you try and prioritse your own mental health and set boundaries- people act as if you are selfish and don't really care when really you're just trying to save yourself
I have always struggled with the concept of identity. I don't understand what it even means, and I think that confusion is compounded by the fact that I have DID
so i think of identity kind of like a puzzle. And my identity is that picture the puzzle makes. But the thing is, that puzzle is a mess, right? The picture keeps changing as i change and grow as a person. I'm always taking out pieces that don't' fit anymore and putting brand new pieces in the box. I'm always moving pieces around to stick them somewhere else. So I have a sort of idea of what the finished picture looks like, but i haven't completed the whole puzzle yet, and that's okay, because that's life. of course i haven't finished the puzzle yet. I haven't finished my life yet. What helped me was realizing that I didn't have to finish the whole puzzle. i could just work on it this part or that part, and that was good enough. So I have a bunch of pieces that I look at and play with, and if i play with them enough, some of them will come together. And each piece of me is a piece of that puzzle (hopefully that makes sense) So music is a bunch of pieces of that puzzle to me. I LOVE music, i'm always listening to something and discovering new bands, going to concerts. Because music helps me deal with my feelings, helps me relate to the world, gives a voice to things I don't always know how to say. And going to shows is one of the ways i interact with the world and meet other people who like the same things as me. So there's that, music is some of my puzzle pieces. Being queer, that's another puzzle piece. And sometimes that piece even fits with other pieces of my puzzle. like csupporting I love my cat to the moon and back. So the puzzle piece that loves animals fits well with the pieces of me that like to nurture and care for those around me. And that piece also fits with the piece of me that wants to help those less fortunate. I don't eat meat because I don't want animals to suffer needlessly, so that piece goes really well with my love of animals, and trying to do what I think is right. Hopefully you understand my point here. (Hopefully i'm making sense, lol) All the little things about you come together to make your puzzle and form who you are. And maybe you're only able to work on one section of the puzzle at a time, or you don't know how all the pieces fit together, or you haven't finished your puzzle enough to start seeing a picture yet. But that's okay. Because it's your puzzle, your identity. And it doesn't have to LOOK like anything. It can be whatever you want it to be. Not all the pieces have to fit together. And you don't even have to know what all the pieces are yet, because like i said, the puzzle is always kind of changing anyway. Just take some time to find things you like, or to determine where you stand on certain issues, figure out what's important to you, stuff like that. Because all of those things are pieces of your puzzle, and if you collect enough of them and keep playing around with them, eventually you'll be able to start putting your puzzle (your identity) together.
I love what you said about not getting your identity caught in your work. I experience so much shaming as a SW (a queer one as well) and it’s not exactly smooth sailing but I have found so much happiness having the financial freedom to live my life. I’m not rich and By any means. I struggle as much financially as any other single mom but I love that I don’t need a man to take care of me and make my own schedule at work and answer to no one but myself. To me, that’s happiness
For a second there I wasn't sure whether sw stood for sex worker or social worker but the schedule thing kind of cleared it up hehe. Good on you, hope things work out!
I've kind of always thought about this kind of this as a kid. I've been in my own head for years, but as my childhood became more and more violent I stopped doing it for safety. Now I'm working on relearning to do it in a good way, learning who I am is so nice, I really like him.
That last sentence made me smile! I’m happy you’re doing this and liking who you are! It does feel good to learn ourselves. It’s hard though to re-teach ourselves things. For me, I’ve had to tear down and remove all of the negative structures that had been taught or forced upon me - the things that aren’t actually true to me or from me. Who I am was already there, it just got hidden, so it feels good to uncover and start developing that and growing ME. I swear, the more that I’ve healed, the closer I’ve become to who I was as a small child before anything bad ever happened. Obviously I’m going to be different now, but there’s the same core beliefs and personality traits. And being able to explore me and find my truths, rebuilding my own internal scaffolding that is solid and healthy, so I can continue building off from there. I hope your self discovery journey continues going well!! You are lovely!
A good thing my AuDHD did for me was give me a fuckmillion creative hobbies and an insatiable hunger to constantly try new ones. I thank my childhood brain for doing the work of giving me a bunch of things I can use to build identity _and_ self-actualize. If you have EVER had an interest in a creative pursuit, a sport or game, or both, chase that thing! Do it! If you end up hating it, you can stop!
I am in my 50's and who I am is still a work in progress. I can tell you who I was at 20 and at 40, but it won't be what I am today. I gave different challenges and learn new skills. Through it all, my core talents and interests remain and help me to process things that come up. For instance, when I was in my teens, we had no word for non-binary. We had David Bowie and Annie Lennox. Just not in My small New England town. There, it was only me and all the He/she jokes. Guess what, don't wait till you are in my age group to come out. If the people who claim to love you don't know who you are, you'll never be close to anyone. It really sucks to do that for a half century only to realize, the fear kept you from the one thing you always wanted , being yourself.
10:14 This! I come from a senior care background and the number of elderly folks, men especially, who never developed much of an identity past their career is amazing. They don’t adjust well to retirement let alone frailty in their late years.
Because of your videos, I stick up for myself in arguments now. You helped me realize my feelings still have value even if I get upset about something that seems small to others. For each dark day that I've had, therapy sheds a little more light on them everytime I go.
As someone with worsening severe chronic illness, who also grew up with severe mental illness, and who is in in a rural area, Identity and community has always been hard for me. While the community aspect im still chewing on, when im semi-home bound and when im not, the community is...less than safe for a queer disabled person, with few things around. Online is a beloved but imperfect place to find community, and is harder for me these days. Its also such a relife for someone to validate digital community. Actual actionable thought exercises like this, and tangible examples are so incredibly helpful, so thank you!
I’m sending this to the women in my life. It’s been a frequent topic in our conversation, wanting to find “things to do” and to develop a community around us but it feels so difficult. I think it’s all about one step at a time as long as you’re doing something to work towards finding out about yourself and hopefully enjoying the experiences (or at least learning from them) ❤
This is a video I NEEDED. This is something I’m currently working on in therapy and I like to take outside sources to better understand concepts. You really helped, love ya the most Mickey! 💜
Also, if a group around your interests doesn't exist yet, you can start it yourself. I did so in with the support of, of course, a local library. Yeey!
I live in Houston, so a large city with plenty of options. I've been doing art classes through a variety of resources, and the class might be fun, and even if it's several classes in a row, the vibe is very much we show up, we paint, we go home. So yes, I learned a lot of techniques, but nothing about these interactions really translated into a sense community or anything that extended beyond the immediate interaction. I even went to grad school here, it was night classes for people working full time, everyone showed up, did group work as assigned, and we all went on our way. I feel like I've been "putting myself out there" with hobbies and interests for years and nothing really gets off the ground beyond everyone just sketching the same tree in that moment.
Theater RUclipsr Kath Steele talked about the work she did in therapy several years ago about developing an identity made up of things in addition to musical theater because basing her entire identity on one thing was not super healthy. So it’s amazing hearing this from a therapist’s perspective on RUclips. ❤
Volunteering a is a great way to turn a hobby into a community as well! It can be with more traditional community service nonprofits if that’s what interests you or anything else really. I volunteer at the community theater and there are tons of opportunities to meet people there. I mean taking those opportunities is a whole different thing, but I have them lol. My sister volunteers at a horse ranch. There’s tons of options for people with different interests in almost every town.
I guess one broad question I still have is why is identity development so important. You touched on it in the video about how it helps you lead a happier more fulfilled life but I don't see the how of that. Any insights people have would be appreciated
mickey, wanted to thank you again for making this video. the way that you organized and presented the information was simple and achievable. yesterday, for the first time i was able to start identifying my likes/dislikes and preferences without becoming overwhelmed and going into avoidance. (i've been trying to do this for 2 years). you gave me the assurance and support that i needed. anyway, i hope you make a few more videos like this - ie: how to identify and live from your values and guiding principles, questions to reflect on each day, how to connect to and stay connected with your own internal compass.
I really appreciate this video. I’m working through my childhood trauma that began since birth so I don’t really know who I am. I didn’t realize until a year into therapy that the traumas didn’t just affect my habits or thought process but it shaped who I am.
I just signed up for a couple of events at my local library while listening to this. It's hard because my current job has me working split shifts, and my second shift ends at 6 pm or so. So I'm limited to weekend events or whatever days off I get.
i think my problem is being too many things at once. or at least not having a sense of permanence or constancy with my identity. every time i try to define even the most granular stuff about myself i dont know what i feel about it or i end up contradicting myself 5 minutes later anyway
I am Gen X and have always wondered who am I (helps that I got an ASD diagnosis 2 years ago). I think that a reason that it is more overtly prevalent now is that people are aware of more options rather than just what happens in their family/neighbourhood. In the past people put themselves into the box that was close enough to what they thought/felt or just went with what they were told and didn't question it (or did question it but still went along with the status quo) because there wasn't anything else reflected as a different option.
there are great communities around all kinds of things on line. if you are interested in a nerdy or food related thing see if a creator you like see if they have livestreams scheduled. Go hang out feel out the vibe, ask questions or contribute if you can. acknowledge ppl in chat, relax & know you can try somewhere else or leave when ever you want. There are a few lives I hit up specifically to say hi to other community members more than the main creators.
great timing for posting this video. i took a break from finding myself and am getting back into the swing of things. what makes this hard for me is that i wasn't allowed to have wants and needs, and so i never thought about or noticed my likes/dislikes, interests, preferences etc. the other thing too, i struggle to understand the definition of these vocabulary words (likes, preferences, interests, hobbies, values, wants, needs, guiding principles) and your video explained them, and suggested where to start. you connected several ideas for me.
This video is SO helpful for me. This is exactly what I'm working on in therapy - finding an identity outside of work. Some of this my therapist has suggested to me (we've done a lot of work on values and I am solid in what my values are) but I kinda like the idea of making a favorites list or even just doing a bunch of "this or that" type of questions as kind of a low-pressure way to explore who I am.
This was great! I’ve lost touch with some friends over the pandemic, and so I’m trying to make some new friends and connect more with people in my circles. IT👏IS👏HARD👏! I do have some really deep connections in my church community, but no same sex, my age friends right now. Those kinds of friendships have always been hard for me to establish and maintain. And I’m in a stage of relief where a lot of people my age are in the middle of raising kids, and I’m not. But the encouragement to keep going out, doing the hard thing of trying to connect, and trusting that something will stick eventually is great. You didn’t mention this in the video, but community centers and community colleges are also great places to look for classes related to your interests. There may be fees associated, but even if you don’t make friends, at least you’ll be doing something you like!
I somehow missed this video when you made it so I’m watching it now, I feel like it could also have been very helpful to me if I’d watched it a couple of weeks ago when it came out and I was in a lower place. I’m dealing with a lot of personal upheaval right now and it’s almost all internal, nothing about my external life has really changed. It’s not exactly that I’m not the person I want to be, but I’m not the person I thought I would become when I was younger. In some ways I feel my life is better than I could have expected but I’m also struggling with not having a strong sense of purpose and mainly just trying to keep myself and my family healthy. I’m spending a lot of time thinking about what I actually want, how I can improve my situation to feel more fulfilled. Where am I actually placing value in my life? What activities actually make me feel good about myself and what activities are just pushing that negative feeling to later? I am not fulfilled by my job and it seems impossible to advance there. I love my children and love being their mother but it’s not their responsibility to put value into my life, that’s my job towards them, so I can’t demand gratitude and generosity because that’s just not how children are. They don’t know the value of what I try to give them and I can’t expect them to. The same is true of my husband; his love can support and validate me, but only externally. I need to find a way to do this for myself, too. Anyway, I’m glad for this video and the dialogue in general because this is something that I feel is not explored enough outside of religious spaces, which are not safe or comfortable for all people.
I totally agree with EVERYTHING in this video, but how do you do this work when your existing mental health stifles you? For example; I’m someone who loves to go out. My favorite times are always outside of the house on vacations or even just going to the mall with my friends, however, I have super bad anxiety and tend to instead be a recluse in my room. Does identity work have to come after healing my anxiety?
you could do some virtual events maybe. At least for me, when i just can't bring myself to leave the house, i'll watch live streams of youtubers i like, interact on the chats. There's plenty of bands who will do virtual shows, stuff like that. And you don't always have to go out with other people either. Sometimes it's nice for me to just go on a hike in the woods by myself when i can't deal with other people. I can breathe in the nature, sit under a nice tree and just vibe. So no, i think you can still work out your identity if you're not done healing yet. Besides, our identities are always changing anyway, as we grow and change as people. So how are we supposed to know exactly who we are if we're still living and learning new things every day? I think of identity as kind of like a puzzle. And the picture the puzzle makes is who i am. But that picture is always changing a little. And sometimes i get rid of pieces that don't fit anymore (like having to cut toxic people out of my life or changing my viewpoint on things). And sometimes I add whole new pieces when i learn new things about myself (like learning new skills or discovering i was queer back in the day). And sometimes I have to move the pieces around and shuffle them or put them back in the box for later because i don't want to deal with that piece right now. But all those pieces are still me. And it's okay if i haven't finished the puzzle yet, because i'm still living and working on myself, so my identity is still changing. Hopefully that makes sense. And anyway, i know for me, doing the healing was PART OF finding my identity. i'm still working on that, because i think we all are. But that's the great thing about your identity. It's YOURS. So it doesn't have to look like anything really. It can be whatever you want. If that means your identity is just a bunch of puzzle pieces in a box right now that's fine. if you have part of the puzzle done, but not the whole thing, that's okay too. IF you think you've got the puzzle done, but then you realize you don't exactly like how it looks so you take it all apart and start over, that's okay too. Because it's YOUR puzzle, your identity, and you can do whatever you want with it and make it look any way you want to.
Can we maybe talk a bit more about the "if you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else" quote? From a personal experience, i feel that it is much more comfortable being with someone who does love themselves, at least in some ways. I heavily dislike when people seem uncomfortable with say, physical intimacy, not because they don't want to be intimate, but because they fear that they're doing it wrong or something. Of course everyone is deserving of love and belonging, i just wanted to talk about desirability, and how i feel that constantly talking oneself down, is very unattractive to me, even for friends
I love rock climbing, kayaking, hiking, camping, fishing, wildlife photography, researching things, painting, drawing, coloring, witchcraft ( NOT wiccan, I'm talking just raw traditional witchcraft), running, swimming, building things....but I genuinely hate being around other people. ( Was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD type 3 )
I'm just gonna put here that another thing that can help some folks figure out identity is this: what fictional characters do you relate to, and why? I think this can be especially helpful if you have a rare personality type, since those can be overrepresented in fiction (rare personalities often make for interesting characters after all) but even if you don't, relating to someone can shine a light on who you are as well, and what you like, or what you would like to try or do. A key aspect of this is - don't just blindly insert yourself into the character's story. Get to know the character as a person. Take stock of what the character is actually like. Because even if the character is like you, blindly inserting yourself into the character won't help you figure out who you are, because if you do that you're not getting to know the parts of yourself that are like the character either. But if the character has things in common with you, and you get to know the character (as in, take stock of the various traits they show) that might make it easier to get to know yourself - and to know when you don't have some things in common with the character, as well as when you do. And if the character has some issues, that might help you figure out and tease out what your issues are and how they relate to other things. If you're not sure where to start looking when it comes to this, there are some pretty exhaustive fandom personality quizzes out there that show thousands of characters and will give you an idea of what kind of characters you might want to check out. They don't always cover everything, but it's a place to start.
@@allyson-- Two of the protagonists of the anime Sword Art Online. One, Kirito, is male, the other, Sinon, is female. Both of those characters remind me of me in varying ways (because I happen to fall into a category of personalities that isn't common, a category that overlaps with those characters). And the third protagonist, Asuna, happens to remind me of my mom, which is an added bonus (especially considering my mom is currently suffering from Alzheimer's and never did get around to finishing her memoir). I even showed my mom the Sword Art Online arc featuring Asuna as the protagonist, and my mom agreed that girl was a lot like her (because she can still sort of remember who she was as a person, she just can't remember a lot of other day-to-day stuff).
doing a survey while listening to this is funny bc as I'm hearing the importance of questions like 'spaghetti or pizza' I'm looking at the survey question feeling a little sense of pride like "yeah, i AM the primary decision-maker about frozen pizza in my household!"
I really have to stick with stuff for years sometimes before I make friends. Breaks my heart sometimes but at least it’s getting easier. As I’m older and my peers are older they tend to respond better to my obvious neurodivergence :P People seem to get less hung up on what it means to be normal or whatever
I think my identity is like a river, only defined by motion. If I stay still and try to define myself once and for all, I freeze and panic. It's ok for personal identity to be a mystery to you.
Ive been doing identity work for years (without knowing any sort of term for it), and it really is a lifelong journey that grows and evolves all the time. Its not a destination. But my journey was set off after a divorce in which i was claimed to be the sole issue with a lot of labels that didnt add up. In response, i decided to do the hard work to untangle what he had said from actual reality. As a result, im truly one of the most confident, secure, and strong people I've ever met. Its really quite interesting in hindsight. Through a lot of journaling & therapy ive nailed down tools in this area i can see will aide me throughout my entire life.
I have tended to place my value in my job, but that's because the one job I always come back to has value beyond money. I think there is something that needs to be said about how much we now know or think we know, about others lives and what they value and how they present. I notice that my connection with people tends to be based more on how interconnected they are with the world, through the Internet, usually. I was one of the first millennials, and I barely remember a time when I could not talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime. My family were early adopters of rhe internet, since my dad needed it for work and my mom taught computer classes. I tend to best understand people who like to be connected with others regardless of geography. This has many pros, as it means seeing how similar people are. But it has the con, thee days, of seeing manipulators as only what they say they are. And watching as others are manipulated. I end up being hopeful about the world and being demoralised in the same night of looking around on RUclips. I'm not sure whether to rejoice that some people see that the people who are currently most successful are often destructive and/or frauds (loved your episodes on Dr. Phil and Jessica), or to worry that I'll never be smart enough or good enough to change the world so that such people are seen for what they are.
Just make sure you continue working on things after the video it’s not a simple thing it’s lifelong, as she said. Humans are always growing and ever changing.
Im not much younger than Ella and @ all the youngs, all us repressed late dx autistics have chronic illness and mental illness now, so I support your right to be seen as moany, attention seekers, be yourselves and be unapologetic because this is no life at all
As someone with severe cptsd and am in the process of applying for disability and can’t work anymore ( I’ve tried many jobs with little long term success and feel like I fell for a scam going to college)I’m grieving I used to be able to teach and do a lot but inside I struggled everyday. I’m struggling now with feeling safe to live without earning an income. It seems like I don’t deserve life bc I can’t afford it. I’m trying to believe that’s not true bc I do have some family support and a physically safe place to stay. My identity is more than work and money but I don’t feel it yet fully.
Anyone have a book recommendation on the phenomena of experiencing or not experiencing individual identity, and what we know about it? I’ve had several people in my life (both with and without diagnosed BPD) who by their own account didn’t experience themselves having an identity. I want to understand the concept, but it’s an odd case of the people in the actual situation not being able to give the best account, since they would have to describe how NOT experiencing something works. I’m guessing there must be some book out there not written as self-help that’s like “here is an overview of the known brain science behind experiencing a core identity, here’s why some people don’t have it, and does everyone even want it?” …but maybe it’s yet to be written.
Do you have any sources for why you don't have to learn to love yourself a certain amount before loving others? I also hate that and think it was damaging for myself as a perfectionist. I'd love to read up on it and maybe try to spread the word lol. I will also sing praises about finding community online. I'm into video games too, and finally picked up VRChat when the pandemic hit (it's even compatible for desktop). My bf and I have made an entire group of friends online, about 20 now, that are very active in our own discord server. While I do wish we were close enough to hang out more in person, it's still an amazing thing to have. I've become more of a home body as I get older and really enjoy my time with them on the weekends. If you want to "go out" without going anywhere, VRC has some awesome worlds and mini games to play in them.
OCD, GAD, PMS and also recently winner over depression, deconstructing from Christianity as a theologian, single & celibate by choice for 4 years, without any friends, unemployed for over a year after quitting because of abuse...you better believe I am the identity crisis incarcerated.
I'm suffering from identity issues. 😪 I am feeling inclusion fatigue from the popularity, corporatizing, and sexualizing of my hobbies. So many people have these interests nowadays. I feel edged out by comparing myself with the new fans and moonlighters.
who says that you have to enjoy things the way those other people enjoy things? who says you even have to engage with them the way most people do? You can like a thing by yourself, alone in your room without telling anyone else if you want. Or you can engage with other fans and share your interests with them if you want. Or you can do something completely different. There's no right or wrong way to enjoy the things you enjoy. So just enjoy them however feels right to you, however makes you happy. Take music for example. I LOVE music. And there was a band i discovered a while ago. I literally found them one night, and listened to their whole discography (like 2 albums and some singles) that night. And then I saw they had a show in my area the very next day. Did I have any less of right to be there than people who'd been listening to them for years, just because I became a fan the night before? Did I enjoy their music any less? Arguably, i'd listened to every song they'd ever made, so I probably "liked" them more than some people who had only listened to the original album but not their second. Then again, i'd only been listening for a day and not years, so maybe i wasn't a "real fan" after all. But when do you get to be a "real fan" anyway? When is your passion sufficient? And who decides that anyway? You know what i did? I went to that show, and i didn't give a damn. Because i liked the music i heard, and it was that simple. The show was awesome and I had a blast. My point is, like the things you like, however you want to like them, because there's no right or wrong way to like things
It’s hard when a label you gave yourself starts meaning something new that isn’t you. Or when people expect if you have an interest then they can assume other things about you. It can feel like your thing is being taken away. If you really enjoy your thing, do your best to ignore people who won’t take you as you are. I hope you can find a sub-group of your hobby that fits you.
I don't have an identity as of now 2024. I lost it in 2019. My life is not driven by my desires, it is driven by my fears. I don't see the usefulness to question myself as i don't have any opinions on most things.
SAME - HOMEBODIES UNIT - At your own homes - separately! 45 y.o. woman who loves to build houses and apartments on the Sims and watch my comfort shows (or have them on in the background). Firefly, ALL the Star Treks except the OS (Seriously - Spock - losing his absolute shit because the captain was assigned a female yoemen turned my stomach. Like, super, OS has women classified as less than men even in the f*cking future....)BUT I do have it on sometimes (on mute) because my cat, Bruce. He likes Star Trek OS. What a weirdo. ;)
I've got one question but I think it might actually be two so I'll split it. Why is it illegal to try to therapy somebody over the internet? What is therapy if not just at a very basic level trying to make somebody feel better? I assume just trying to make somebody feel better isn't what is meant.
Ok, I honestly don't mean to offend anyone by this, and this opinion might be a product of me being in my mid-30s instead of a teen/young adult, but....I really feel like we put WAY TOO MUCH emphasis on individual identity nowadays. I grew up in the 90s, and we had labels, but they weren't really seen as permanent--Goth, Jock, Prep, etc. They were labels for who we were in high school. No one had this idea that they HAD to know EXACTLY who they were at 14 years old. And I think with social media everyone is very explicit about their identity search, so there's now this desperate need for labels and even micro-labels, and it has hyper-emphasized the search for an identity, like it's this thing you have to fully complete before you can move on to the next level in your life. It's become a neurosis. I was raised in the US, so I can't really compare how this is in the rest of the world, but I can't help but feel that this neurosis is an extension of our hyper-individualism here. I'm not trying to say that communalism doesn't have its faults, or that people from more communal cultures don't care about their identity at all. Just that maybe they don't put this kind of pressure on themselves to have it all figured out and research which micro-label applies to them before they can function, as if identity is a stagnant state instead of an ever-evolving human experience. Now that I'm in my mid-30s, I know certain random factoids about myself--my Myers-Briggs, the fact that I have ADHD, whether or not I like chocolate or pizza, introvert rather than extrovert, etc. And you know what? It doesn't really matter to me anymore. I've moved on. I'm a human being and that is all that really matters. There's so much more to life than figuring yourself out because there's so much more to life than YOURSELF. I'm not saying light yourself on fire to keep other people warm, but also remember that you don't have to have collected all of your labels in order to be a good person and start thinking about the world at large instead of the comparatively small world inside your own head.
I get that a lot. I'm a youngin and I even agree. Heres where I come from though, practically all of the wider more conceptual ideas of identity based on community, they all are born of pain and suffrage. I don't want to be a worker because I will starve myself because my boss is selfish, I don't want to be a family member of (insert last name) because they are racist and don't care about me, I don't want to be a school student because I'm bullied and... That other stuff that I won't mention. Really, I'm just an unhealthy person being held hostage by topics much bigger than me, and by people much crueler than me. Being an individual away from all of that pain, attempting to convince myself that that isn't me, is a plea. This is all for me, specifically, I don't know about anyone else. I'm the type of person who, I know, wouldn't want a set list of adjectives for my identity (most people don't I think). Searching for your individuality is an attempt to find a sliver of control. At least I think. I'm also hoping that the journey to determine who I am will help me determine how I can make myself feel... Effective. This is just for me.
i have adhd and am potentially also autistic so finding people who are interested in the same thing is not only incredibly unlikely (in real live and in a reasonable timezone) but also if i were to meet someone i'd most likely be too passionate about it compared to how neurotypicals enjoy media... i am actually also kind of scared to learn and desire to express who i am since that could put me in a lot of danger as a trans person :') this is so unfair :(
finding autistic groups is a great way to find if not people who like exactly the same thing as you will at least be more willing to listen to you ramble about your interests
I thought identities were formed by the experiences we have trying to survive in this world. Identities are formed by trying to survive in this world. You don't get to sit down with a journal and decide who you're going to be. You're going to be greatly disappointed if that's how you think this goes. If you have the privilege to be able to sit down, and try to figure out who you're going to be. You're doing it wrong. Go out in the world and survive.
i think you can decide who you want to be. At least when it comes to certain things. Do you want to be someone who stands up for other people? You can DECIDE to do that by standing up for people when you see them being bullied instead of just standing there and letting it happen. And then if you do that all the time, you've BECOME someone who stand up for other people. a lot of our identities are formed by our experiences, sure. But we get to choose how we react to those experiences, and i think that's just as much a part of our identities as anything else is
when you said "what are you not" all my brain said was "straight and capitalist" lmao
WHAT A MOOD😂
Congrats!
The only strong constants are those. Everything else is so fluid 😅
same. But hey, that's a solid piece of identity right there.
That reminds me I saw a sticker on the back of a truck today that said “fuck communist” in pink swirly font and I just had to roll my eyes. It didn’t even make sense, fuck communism? Or fuck communists? Idk either way it wasn’t correct lmao
As a disabled person who lives VERY rurally, online spaces have been a life saver for me.
I wish I wasn’t so scared to engage in online fandom spaces. I’m 28, painfully nervous with new people and tend to just lurk. With so much discourse and people trying to tell others that how to engage and enjoy in fandom it makes me so nervous. People tend to throw around serious terms and accusations and it just makes me scared to open up in places
I feel like the number one thing that helped ease my anxiety about that as a person in my 20s is knowing that people who participate in unproductive discourse the most are either 1. Much younger than me, or 2. Not people whose opinions I'd take very seriously anyway. Remember that it's possible to enjoy and be critical of media at the same time.
my suggestion? create a throw away account, and just reply to some stuff. what's the worst that could happen? You get some nasty comments and people telling you you're not enjoying that thing right? Whatever. Who cares. That's why it's a throwaway account, because if things don't work out, you can just delete it and move on. But maybe you'll get some comments about how that's a cool insight that other people hadn't thought of.
Oh 28 is a hard age, you’re smart enough to be self aware, too young to not a fu**.
I know this is harder said than done, but just do it scared. The more you do it, the less you will be scared. I like the idea of using a throwaway account. ^^
Remember: *You deserve to exist in space as much as anyone else.* ❤❤
Been in different online fandoms since they emerged (40 here. Elder Millennial and saw many fandoms rise and die online). You're not wrong in the anxiety you feel. Even in some of the most welcoming fandoms I've been a part of, there has been some level of toxic subculture and it can be overwhelming. Especially when many of them pull the "high school English teacher" attitude of "You're interpreting the work wrong".
You got some really great ideas here! If you'll oblige me, may I offer a bit of a radical idea? Think of this as more planting a seed rather than telling you a thing to do. What about starting your own fan space? Maybe a blog where you give your thoughts and opinions on the thing you like? Maybe you administer a forum for the same? You can write the rules in order to cultivate the kind of space you wish you could find, but other people don't hold the same things as important to you? If someone acts a fool you can kick them out, which can be a little cathartic. It is work, which is a bummer, but sometimes being in control makes the work bearable. These are just my thoughts, from a person who has started a few online spaces because I found the existing ones toxic and awful. Whatever route you follow, I think you'll find a comfortable groove; you seem self aware enough that some of the identity work is already done. I get the feeling you already "know who you are", now it's just a matter of finding a few like-minded people to fill the gap.
i never realized how shitty the phrase "can't love someone else until you love yourself" made me feel until you said that.
As a public librarian, I sincerely appreciate the support! During the entire section in which you were detailing different ways to get into hobbies and form community, I was getting my typing fingers ready to write, "your library is probably a great resource for most of that!" I think people forget that libraries are not just book repositories; we are community spaces that seek to foster lifelong learning no matter where your interests may take you. Come check us out! Even if you don't have a library card, many libraries will still offer access to in-person or online programming. Many will also offer temporary cards that grant access to online resources. Most library programs and services are free and/or low cost. It's a great place to start.
My public library was my safe space as a child. Thank you for what you do.
This is really encouraging for me because i’m really directionless rn and I know I want to eventually get my general education done online through community college so I can go into a trade school after. But I’ve been so lonely I have like no irl friends (they’re all online) and the only place I go out to is work so I’ve been thinking about going to the library and seeing if they need any volunteers for any programs. I definitely will now after reading your comment
The public library is the best place on earth and I wish I could give your comment 700 likes! Thanks for being a librarian. You're doing an amazing service to your community!
When I was a teenager I put my whole identity on being the "smart kid who made straight A's" which was bad because as soon as I didn't make an A I would have a mental breakdown, then in college I made my whole identity "I'm going to be a teacher" but luckily now that I'm out of college and am actually teaching, and after a lot of therapy, I have realized that my identity is not just one thing and I actually know who I am. So thank you for this video it helped affirm that I'm on the right track.
I feel you! Same here. It's a long journey but it's so worth it in the end!
I have ADHD, so my identity is very dependent on where the serotonin drags me. Having finally figured that out, i have come to the conclusion that i am a nerd. An artsy, opinionated, queer, nerd.
I grew up ibln a similar type of Christianity as Girl Defined. I didn't just not learn much about who I was as an individual, I was taught not to look (a lesson that took far longer to shake than Christianity itself). I really appreciate this video. I'm currently stumbling through my 40s trying to figure out a lot of stuff about myself that I really wish I'd known a long time ago.
i think everyone likes to pretend they know exactly who they are all the time. But that's just not the truth. How can any of us truly know exactly who we are when we're always growing and changing anyway? so i think it's ok to not know exactly who you are. I think it's ok to take some time to figure that out. And even if you don't have it figured out now, i think that's fine. Because you're not done living yet anyway.
I mean, i kinda know who i am now, But i don't know who i'm gonna be in 5 years, because i'm not there. And that's alright. that's how it's supposed to be. People are supposed to grow and change.
So give yourself a break. you're not done yet, so you don't have to know everything, and you don't have to have yourself completely figured out yet.
@@bottomofastairwell That makes a lot of sense, thanks for the perspective.
I am in a very similar place. Grew up mormon and so I was literally told not to try to figure out who I was, my only purpose was to conform to the group. It's hard to shake.
@@bottomofastairwell i'm starting to think that the essence of "who i am" is my motivation and default emotion. those are the things that guide my decision making and problem solving. the details don't really matter because they're examples of my essence.
This is so relatable. I’m 44 and feel so behind because of my upbringing. I’m doing work now that I should have done in my 20s. Sometimes I hate my young self but I have to offer compassion. It wasn’t all her fault.
The Audacity to this video existing, while having a idenity crisis
Seriously the timing could not be better
@@arianacolletti4874 And the worst part is that I'm too high to watch it😞
why are we all having an identity crisis at the same time lmao and furthermore, HOW DOES MICKEY KNOW
@@Tamara-9quti this is too relatable
Its giving personal attack 😅😂 HOW DOES SHE KNOW!?
I want to be a bookworm. I want to live on my nice balcony, surrounded by books, enjoying nice tea blends and creating art
Do it :)
A therapist I saw for a short time asked me the funeral question and it blew my mind. Definitely helped bring things into perspective at the time!
As someone who didn't get a real childhood or teenage years, I find myself going back to what made me happy as a kid. I sometimes do things that I missed out on as well, like going to free/low cost museums or purchasing toys that child me could never have. For me it helps sooth the trauma a bit and also helps with forming an identity.
Definetly needed a video like this. It’s been feeling like I have been doing my young adult years the wrong way as I see everyone else my age going to concerts and bars and going clubbing and I have little interest in doing any of those things but I have been feeling like I SHOULD what to do those typical things. It’s comforting to know that there nothing wrong with staying home and wanting to dance alone instead 💕
your identity can be whatever you want it to be. it's YOURS. Be who you want. There's nothing wrong with being anything you want. If going to concerts is your thing? Cool. If staying home and reading books and sipping tea is your things? Cool. If you like doing both? Cool.
The only thing you shouldn't be is an asshole (at least in my opinion.) everything else is up to you. That's the cool thing about life, there's not right or wrong way to live it
I work at an animal shelter. A lot of people who work in this profession tend to make it a big part of their identity. It can really take a toll on people's emotional health. It's a really hard balance to maintain for sure. You have to put some of yourself and emotions into your work, it's almost unavoidable. However, I've seen some people throw their whole self into the job and that's a recipe for disaster. If you have nothing else the tragic things that happen here all the time will distroy you.
The paradox of compassion & boundaries for every being other than yourself
I work in care and I agree with everything you say. The worst is when you try and prioritse your own mental health and set boundaries- people act as if you are selfish and don't really care when really you're just trying to save yourself
I have always struggled with the concept of identity. I don't understand what it even means, and I think that confusion is compounded by the fact that I have DID
peace & best wishes to you & your system💜
so i think of identity kind of like a puzzle. And my identity is that picture the puzzle makes. But the thing is, that puzzle is a mess, right? The picture keeps changing as i change and grow as a person. I'm always taking out pieces that don't' fit anymore and putting brand new pieces in the box. I'm always moving pieces around to stick them somewhere else. So I have a sort of idea of what the finished picture looks like, but i haven't completed the whole puzzle yet, and that's okay, because that's life. of course i haven't finished the puzzle yet. I haven't finished my life yet.
What helped me was realizing that I didn't have to finish the whole puzzle. i could just work on it this part or that part, and that was good enough. So I have a bunch of pieces that I look at and play with, and if i play with them enough, some of them will come together. And each piece of me is a piece of that puzzle (hopefully that makes sense)
So music is a bunch of pieces of that puzzle to me. I LOVE music, i'm always listening to something and discovering new bands, going to concerts. Because music helps me deal with my feelings, helps me relate to the world, gives a voice to things I don't always know how to say. And going to shows is one of the ways i interact with the world and meet other people who like the same things as me. So there's that, music is some of my puzzle pieces.
Being queer, that's another puzzle piece. And sometimes that piece even fits with other pieces of my puzzle. like csupporting
I love my cat to the moon and back. So the puzzle piece that loves animals fits well with the pieces of me that like to nurture and care for those around me. And that piece also fits with the piece of me that wants to help those less fortunate. I don't eat meat because I don't want animals to suffer needlessly, so that piece goes really well with my love of animals, and trying to do what I think is right.
Hopefully you understand my point here. (Hopefully i'm making sense, lol)
All the little things about you come together to make your puzzle and form who you are.
And maybe you're only able to work on one section of the puzzle at a time, or you don't know how all the pieces fit together, or you haven't finished your puzzle enough to start seeing a picture yet. But that's okay. Because it's your puzzle, your identity. And it doesn't have to LOOK like anything. It can be whatever you want it to be. Not all the pieces have to fit together. And you don't even have to know what all the pieces are yet, because like i said, the puzzle is always kind of changing anyway.
Just take some time to find things you like, or to determine where you stand on certain issues, figure out what's important to you, stuff like that. Because all of those things are pieces of your puzzle, and if you collect enough of them and keep playing around with them, eventually you'll be able to start putting your puzzle (your identity) together.
same, identity? more like- d i s s a s o c i a t i o n
Same
I love what you said about not getting your identity caught in your work. I experience so much shaming as a SW (a queer one as well) and it’s not exactly smooth sailing but I have found so much happiness having the financial freedom to live my life. I’m not rich and By any means. I struggle as much financially as any other single mom but I love that I don’t need a man to take care of me and make my own schedule at work and answer to no one but myself. To me, that’s happiness
For a second there I wasn't sure whether sw stood for sex worker or social worker but the schedule thing kind of cleared it up hehe. Good on you, hope things work out!
I've kind of always thought about this kind of this as a kid. I've been in my own head for years, but as my childhood became more and more violent I stopped doing it for safety. Now I'm working on relearning to do it in a good way, learning who I am is so nice, I really like him.
That last sentence made me smile! I’m happy you’re doing this and liking who you are! It does feel good to learn ourselves. It’s hard though to re-teach ourselves things. For me, I’ve had to tear down and remove all of the negative structures that had been taught or forced upon me - the things that aren’t actually true to me or from me. Who I am was already there, it just got hidden, so it feels good to uncover and start developing that and growing ME. I swear, the more that I’ve healed, the closer I’ve become to who I was as a small child before anything bad ever happened. Obviously I’m going to be different now, but there’s the same core beliefs and personality traits. And being able to explore me and find my truths, rebuilding my own internal scaffolding that is solid and healthy, so I can continue building off from there. I hope your self discovery journey continues going well!! You are lovely!
You like HIM!?!? HA! GAAAAAY
A good thing my AuDHD did for me was give me a fuckmillion creative hobbies and an insatiable hunger to constantly try new ones. I thank my childhood brain for doing the work of giving me a bunch of things I can use to build identity _and_ self-actualize. If you have EVER had an interest in a creative pursuit, a sport or game, or both, chase that thing! Do it! If you end up hating it, you can stop!
I am in my 50's and who I am is still a work in progress. I can tell you who I was at 20 and at 40, but it won't be what I am today. I gave different challenges and learn new skills. Through it all, my core talents and interests remain and help me to process things that come up.
For instance, when I was in my teens, we had no word for non-binary. We had David Bowie and Annie Lennox. Just not in My small New England town. There, it was only me and all the He/she jokes.
Guess what, don't wait till you are in my age group to come out. If the people who claim to love you don't know who you are, you'll never be close to anyone. It really sucks to do that for a half century only to realize, the fear kept you from the one thing you always wanted , being yourself.
10:14 This! I come from a senior care background and the number of elderly folks, men especially, who never developed much of an identity past their career is amazing. They don’t adjust well to retirement let alone frailty in their late years.
Because of your videos, I stick up for myself in arguments now. You helped me realize my feelings still have value even if I get upset about something that seems small to others. For each dark day that I've had, therapy sheds a little more light on them everytime I go.
As someone with worsening severe chronic illness, who also grew up with severe mental illness, and who is in in a rural area, Identity and community has always been hard for me. While the community aspect im still chewing on, when im semi-home bound and when im not, the community is...less than safe for a queer disabled person, with few things around. Online is a beloved but imperfect place to find community, and is harder for me these days. Its also such a relife for someone to validate digital community. Actual actionable thought exercises like this, and tangible examples are so incredibly helpful, so thank you!
I’m sending this to the women in my life. It’s been a frequent topic in our conversation, wanting to find “things to do” and to develop a community around us but it feels so difficult. I think it’s all about one step at a time as long as you’re doing something to work towards finding out about yourself and hopefully enjoying the experiences (or at least learning from them) ❤
I have borderline personality disorder. I literally have no concept of an identity, but I’m working on it
That's not true! Your identity involves not knowing your identity! You're so mysterious even YOU don't know you!
This is a video I NEEDED. This is something I’m currently working on in therapy and I like to take outside sources to better understand concepts. You really helped, love ya the most Mickey! 💜
Also, if a group around your interests doesn't exist yet, you can start it yourself. I did so in with the support of, of course, a local library. Yeey!
that's awesome!
I live in Houston, so a large city with plenty of options. I've been doing art classes through a variety of resources, and the class might be fun, and even if it's several classes in a row, the vibe is very much we show up, we paint, we go home. So yes, I learned a lot of techniques, but nothing about these interactions really translated into a sense community or anything that extended beyond the immediate interaction. I even went to grad school here, it was night classes for people working full time, everyone showed up, did group work as assigned, and we all went on our way. I feel like I've been "putting myself out there" with hobbies and interests for years and nothing really gets off the ground beyond everyone just sketching the same tree in that moment.
I feel that. It's like a mutual understanding that people don't want to connect like that
I’ve been having a miserable day but this video just made it a little better. Thank you endlessly for the work you’re doing on this channel.
Theater RUclipsr Kath Steele talked about the work she did in therapy several years ago about developing an identity made up of things in addition to musical theater because basing her entire identity on one thing was not super healthy. So it’s amazing hearing this from a therapist’s perspective on RUclips. ❤
Volunteering a is a great way to turn a hobby into a community as well! It can be with more traditional community service nonprofits if that’s what interests you or anything else really. I volunteer at the community theater and there are tons of opportunities to meet people there. I mean taking those opportunities is a whole different thing, but I have them lol. My sister volunteers at a horse ranch. There’s tons of options for people with different interests in almost every town.
I guess one broad question I still have is why is identity development so important. You touched on it in the video about how it helps you lead a happier more fulfilled life but I don't see the how of that. Any insights people have would be appreciated
I had the same thought. I feel like, can’t i just exist?
I definitely needed this right now, so I very much appreciate this video 💞
mickey, wanted to thank you again for making this video. the way that you organized and presented the information was simple and achievable. yesterday, for the first time i was able to start identifying my likes/dislikes and preferences without becoming overwhelmed and going into avoidance. (i've been trying to do this for 2 years). you gave me the assurance and support that i needed. anyway, i hope you make a few more videos like this - ie: how to identify and live from your values and guiding principles, questions to reflect on each day, how to connect to and stay connected with your own internal compass.
I really appreciate this video. I’m working through my childhood trauma that began since birth so I don’t really know who I am. I didn’t realize until a year into therapy that the traumas didn’t just affect my habits or thought process but it shaped who I am.
I just signed up for a couple of events at my local library while listening to this. It's hard because my current job has me working split shifts, and my second shift ends at 6 pm or so. So I'm limited to weekend events or whatever days off I get.
i think my problem is being too many things at once. or at least not having a sense of permanence or constancy with my identity. every time i try to define even the most granular stuff about myself i dont know what i feel about it or i end up contradicting myself 5 minutes later anyway
I am Gen X and have always wondered who am I (helps that I got an ASD diagnosis 2 years ago). I think that a reason that it is more overtly prevalent now is that people are aware of more options rather than just what happens in their family/neighbourhood.
In the past people put themselves into the box that was close enough to what they thought/felt or just went with what they were told and didn't question it (or did question it but still went along with the status quo) because there wasn't anything else reflected as a different option.
there are great communities around all kinds of things on line. if you are interested in a nerdy or food related thing see if a creator you like see if they have livestreams scheduled. Go hang out feel out the vibe, ask questions or contribute if you can. acknowledge ppl in chat, relax & know you can try somewhere else or leave when ever you want. There are a few lives I hit up specifically to say hi to other community members more than the main creators.
I have met friends thru activism, meanwhile what i care about is my identity. These people lead me to new experiences.
you don't understand how much i needed this rn.
great timing for posting this video. i took a break from finding myself and am getting back into the swing of things. what makes this hard for me is that i wasn't allowed to have wants and needs, and so i never thought about or noticed my likes/dislikes, interests, preferences etc.
the other thing too, i struggle to understand the definition of these vocabulary words (likes, preferences, interests, hobbies, values, wants, needs, guiding principles) and your video explained them, and suggested where to start. you connected several ideas for me.
Wow I’ve never been this early to anything before lol. Also this video is perfect for me, as I’m going through an identity crisis.
I needed this, thank you Mickey!
This video is SO helpful for me. This is exactly what I'm working on in therapy - finding an identity outside of work. Some of this my therapist has suggested to me (we've done a lot of work on values and I am solid in what my values are) but I kinda like the idea of making a favorites list or even just doing a bunch of "this or that" type of questions as kind of a low-pressure way to explore who I am.
I feel this. It's fun to express your core essence, just like kids naturally enjoy doing.
I had one while in the military. It was great. (It wasn't, but I'm sure you can smell the sarcasm)
Your arizona accent always makes me feel safe and at home 😊❤
Now I must lookup what an AZ accent is
@@allyson-- it’s not REALLY an accent. It’s just a few words said with Spanish accents vs English ones but I can tell 🤣🤣
This was great! I’ve lost touch with some friends over the pandemic, and so I’m trying to make some new friends and connect more with people in my circles. IT👏IS👏HARD👏! I do have some really deep connections in my church community, but no same sex, my age friends right now. Those kinds of friendships have always been hard for me to establish and maintain. And I’m in a stage of relief where a lot of people my age are in the middle of raising kids, and I’m not. But the encouragement to keep going out, doing the hard thing of trying to connect, and trusting that something will stick eventually is great.
You didn’t mention this in the video, but community centers and community colleges are also great places to look for classes related to your interests. There may be fees associated, but even if you don’t make friends, at least you’ll be doing something you like!
Thank you, this was very helpful. I saved it to favorites as I will be referring back to it. ❤
I somehow missed this video when you made it so I’m watching it now, I feel like it could also have been very helpful to me if I’d watched it a couple of weeks ago when it came out and I was in a lower place.
I’m dealing with a lot of personal upheaval right now and it’s almost all internal, nothing about my external life has really changed.
It’s not exactly that I’m not the person I want to be, but I’m not the person I thought I would become when I was younger. In some ways I feel my life is better than I could have expected but I’m also struggling with not having a strong sense of purpose and mainly just trying to keep myself and my family healthy. I’m spending a lot of time thinking about what I actually want, how I can improve my situation to feel more fulfilled. Where am I actually placing value in my life? What activities actually make me feel good about myself and what activities are just pushing that negative feeling to later?
I am not fulfilled by my job and it seems impossible to advance there. I love my children and love being their mother but it’s not their responsibility to put value into my life, that’s my job towards them, so I can’t demand gratitude and generosity because that’s just not how children are. They don’t know the value of what I try to give them and I can’t expect them to. The same is true of my husband; his love can support and validate me, but only externally. I need to find a way to do this for myself, too.
Anyway, I’m glad for this video and the dialogue in general because this is something that I feel is not explored enough outside of religious spaces, which are not safe or comfortable for all people.
The amount of EF involved in those kinds of either-or questions is exhausting just to think about!
I totally agree with EVERYTHING in this video, but how do you do this work when your existing mental health stifles you? For example; I’m someone who loves to go out. My favorite times are always outside of the house on vacations or even just going to the mall with my friends, however, I have super bad anxiety and tend to instead be a recluse in my room. Does identity work have to come after healing my anxiety?
Perhaps you could work on taking small steps for both things at the same time.
you could do some virtual events maybe.
At least for me, when i just can't bring myself to leave the house, i'll watch live streams of youtubers i like, interact on the chats. There's plenty of bands who will do virtual shows, stuff like that.
And you don't always have to go out with other people either. Sometimes it's nice for me to just go on a hike in the woods by myself when i can't deal with other people. I can breathe in the nature, sit under a nice tree and just vibe.
So no, i think you can still work out your identity if you're not done healing yet. Besides, our identities are always changing anyway, as we grow and change as people. So how are we supposed to know exactly who we are if we're still living and learning new things every day?
I think of identity as kind of like a puzzle. And the picture the puzzle makes is who i am. But that picture is always changing a little. And sometimes i get rid of pieces that don't fit anymore (like having to cut toxic people out of my life or changing my viewpoint on things). And sometimes I add whole new pieces when i learn new things about myself (like learning new skills or discovering i was queer back in the day). And sometimes I have to move the pieces around and shuffle them or put them back in the box for later because i don't want to deal with that piece right now. But all those pieces are still me. And it's okay if i haven't finished the puzzle yet, because i'm still living and working on myself, so my identity is still changing. Hopefully that makes sense.
And anyway, i know for me, doing the healing was PART OF finding my identity. i'm still working on that, because i think we all are. But that's the great thing about your identity. It's YOURS. So it doesn't have to look like anything really. It can be whatever you want. If that means your identity is just a bunch of puzzle pieces in a box right now that's fine. if you have part of the puzzle done, but not the whole thing, that's okay too. IF you think you've got the puzzle done, but then you realize you don't exactly like how it looks so you take it all apart and start over, that's okay too. Because it's YOUR puzzle, your identity, and you can do whatever you want with it and make it look any way you want to.
This video felt like a warm hug :)
this video was so helpful. thank you so much
Can we maybe talk a bit more about the "if you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else" quote? From a personal experience, i feel that it is much more comfortable being with someone who does love themselves, at least in some ways. I heavily dislike when people seem uncomfortable with say, physical intimacy, not because they don't want to be intimate, but because they fear that they're doing it wrong or something. Of course everyone is deserving of love and belonging, i just wanted to talk about desirability, and how i feel that constantly talking oneself down, is very unattractive to me, even for friends
I love rock climbing, kayaking, hiking, camping, fishing, wildlife photography, researching things, painting, drawing, coloring, witchcraft ( NOT wiccan, I'm talking just raw traditional witchcraft), running, swimming, building things....but I genuinely hate being around other people. ( Was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD type 3 )
I'm just gonna put here that another thing that can help some folks figure out identity is this: what fictional characters do you relate to, and why? I think this can be especially helpful if you have a rare personality type, since those can be overrepresented in fiction (rare personalities often make for interesting characters after all) but even if you don't, relating to someone can shine a light on who you are as well, and what you like, or what you would like to try or do. A key aspect of this is - don't just blindly insert yourself into the character's story. Get to know the character as a person. Take stock of what the character is actually like. Because even if the character is like you, blindly inserting yourself into the character won't help you figure out who you are, because if you do that you're not getting to know the parts of yourself that are like the character either. But if the character has things in common with you, and you get to know the character (as in, take stock of the various traits they show) that might make it easier to get to know yourself - and to know when you don't have some things in common with the character, as well as when you do. And if the character has some issues, that might help you figure out and tease out what your issues are and how they relate to other things.
If you're not sure where to start looking when it comes to this, there are some pretty exhaustive fandom personality quizzes out there that show thousands of characters and will give you an idea of what kind of characters you might want to check out. They don't always cover everything, but it's a place to start.
Wait, I love this. Who is your character of choice?
@@allyson-- Two of the protagonists of the anime Sword Art Online. One, Kirito, is male, the other, Sinon, is female. Both of those characters remind me of me in varying ways (because I happen to fall into a category of personalities that isn't common, a category that overlaps with those characters). And the third protagonist, Asuna, happens to remind me of my mom, which is an added bonus (especially considering my mom is currently suffering from Alzheimer's and never did get around to finishing her memoir).
I even showed my mom the Sword Art Online arc featuring Asuna as the protagonist, and my mom agreed that girl was a lot like her (because she can still sort of remember who she was as a person, she just can't remember a lot of other day-to-day stuff).
doing a survey while listening to this is funny bc as I'm hearing the importance of questions like 'spaghetti or pizza' I'm looking at the survey question feeling a little sense of pride like "yeah, i AM the primary decision-maker about frozen pizza in my household!"
I LOVE you so much. Thank you for all of your hard work. You’re helping so many people especially myself. Thank you thank you thank you
I really have to stick with stuff for years sometimes before I make friends. Breaks my heart sometimes but at least it’s getting easier. As I’m older and my peers are older they tend to respond better to my obvious neurodivergence :P People seem to get less hung up on what it means to be normal or whatever
:)
Mickey it’s like you know my life!!!
Loved this so much!!! Mahalo for the awesome advice Mickey 💜😊
Facebook groups are great for hobbies and interests. I'm part of some video game groups, home decor, TV shows, urbanism, etc
I really like your videos it's very informative & gives a ton of good perspective ❤❤❤
As someone who has borderline personality disorder, i often feel myself slipping away from who i am; a person i don't know.
That shirt is amazing I’m getting one
13:07 THANK YOU! I also hate that way of thinking
I think my identity is like a river, only defined by motion. If I stay still and try to define myself once and for all, I freeze and panic. It's ok for personal identity to be a mystery to you.
Ive been doing identity work for years (without knowing any sort of term for it), and it really is a lifelong journey that grows and evolves all the time. Its not a destination. But my journey was set off after a divorce in which i was claimed to be the sole issue with a lot of labels that didnt add up. In response, i decided to do the hard work to untangle what he had said from actual reality. As a result, im truly one of the most confident, secure, and strong people I've ever met. Its really quite interesting in hindsight. Through a lot of journaling & therapy ive nailed down tools in this area i can see will aide me throughout my entire life.
I have tended to place my value in my job, but that's because the one job I always come back to has value beyond money.
I think there is something that needs to be said about how much we now know or think we know, about others lives and what they value and how they present.
I notice that my connection with people tends to be based more on how interconnected they are with the world, through the Internet, usually.
I was one of the first millennials, and I barely remember a time when I could not talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime. My family were early adopters of rhe internet, since my dad needed it for work and my mom taught computer classes. I tend to best understand people who like to be connected with others regardless of geography. This has many pros, as it means seeing how similar people are. But it has the con, thee days, of seeing manipulators as only what they say they are. And watching as others are manipulated. I end up being hopeful about the world and being demoralised in the same night of looking around on RUclips. I'm not sure whether to rejoice that some people see that the people who are currently most successful are often destructive and/or frauds (loved your episodes on Dr. Phil and Jessica), or to worry that I'll never be smart enough or good enough to change the world so that such people are seen for what they are.
2:09 not her saying this as im clicking my pen to take notes in my journal 💀
Just make sure you continue working on things after the video it’s not a simple thing it’s lifelong, as she said. Humans are always growing and ever changing.
Me seeing this video: Oh thank god mickey finally
Roller Derby has been a great way for me to build a big community with other queers and get some exercise in!
My library is a god send in Orange county fl. They even have improv
Im not much younger than Ella and @ all the youngs, all us repressed late dx autistics have chronic illness and mental illness now, so I support your right to be seen as moany, attention seekers, be yourselves and be unapologetic because this is no life at all
Trauma taught me people have to earn love and I'm getting passed that. I'm being kind to everyone. Nice
As someone with severe cptsd and am in the process of applying for disability and can’t work anymore ( I’ve tried many jobs with little long term success and feel like I fell for a scam going to college)I’m grieving I used to be able to teach and do a lot but inside I struggled everyday. I’m struggling now with feeling safe to live without earning an income. It seems like I don’t deserve life bc I can’t afford it. I’m trying to believe that’s not true bc I do have some family support and a physically safe place to stay. My identity is more than work and money but I don’t feel it yet fully.
Loving the color of your hair ! May i ask what color did you get? Thankyou
Im also a homebody! ❤
Anyone have a book recommendation on the phenomena of experiencing or not experiencing individual identity, and what we know about it?
I’ve had several people in my life (both with and without diagnosed BPD) who by their own account didn’t experience themselves having an identity. I want to understand the concept, but it’s an odd case of the people in the actual situation not being able to give the best account, since they would have to describe how NOT experiencing something works.
I’m guessing there must be some book out there not written as self-help that’s like “here is an overview of the known brain science behind experiencing a core identity, here’s why some people don’t have it, and does everyone even want it?” …but maybe it’s yet to be written.
+ great question
Do you have any sources for why you don't have to learn to love yourself a certain amount before loving others? I also hate that and think it was damaging for myself as a perfectionist. I'd love to read up on it and maybe try to spread the word lol.
I will also sing praises about finding community online. I'm into video games too, and finally picked up VRChat when the pandemic hit (it's even compatible for desktop). My bf and I have made an entire group of friends online, about 20 now, that are very active in our own discord server. While I do wish we were close enough to hang out more in person, it's still an amazing thing to have. I've become more of a home body as I get older and really enjoy my time with them on the weekends. If you want to "go out" without going anywhere, VRC has some awesome worlds and mini games to play in them.
OCD, GAD, PMS and also recently winner over depression, deconstructing from Christianity as a theologian, single & celibate by choice for 4 years, without any friends, unemployed for over a year after quitting because of abuse...you better believe I am the identity crisis incarcerated.
I'm suffering from identity issues. 😪 I am feeling inclusion fatigue from the popularity, corporatizing, and sexualizing of my hobbies. So many people have these interests nowadays. I feel edged out by comparing myself with the new fans and moonlighters.
I can't see the trees in the forest.
who says that you have to enjoy things the way those other people enjoy things? who says you even have to engage with them the way most people do?
You can like a thing by yourself, alone in your room without telling anyone else if you want. Or you can engage with other fans and share your interests with them if you want. Or you can do something completely different. There's no right or wrong way to enjoy the things you enjoy. So just enjoy them however feels right to you, however makes you happy.
Take music for example. I LOVE music. And there was a band i discovered a while ago. I literally found them one night, and listened to their whole discography (like 2 albums and some singles) that night. And then I saw they had a show in my area the very next day.
Did I have any less of right to be there than people who'd been listening to them for years, just because I became a fan the night before? Did I enjoy their music any less? Arguably, i'd listened to every song they'd ever made, so I probably "liked" them more than some people who had only listened to the original album but not their second. Then again, i'd only been listening for a day and not years, so maybe i wasn't a "real fan" after all. But when do you get to be a "real fan" anyway? When is your passion sufficient? And who decides that anyway?
You know what i did? I went to that show, and i didn't give a damn. Because i liked the music i heard, and it was that simple. The show was awesome and I had a blast.
My point is, like the things you like, however you want to like them, because there's no right or wrong way to like things
It’s hard when a label you gave yourself starts meaning something new that isn’t you. Or when people expect if you have an interest then they can assume other things about you. It can feel like your thing is being taken away. If you really enjoy your thing, do your best to ignore people who won’t take you as you are. I hope you can find a sub-group of your hobby that fits you.
@tomorrow4eva thank you, I needed your perspective.
I don't have an identity as of now 2024. I lost it in 2019. My life is not driven by my desires, it is driven by my fears. I don't see the usefulness to question myself as i don't have any opinions on most things.
I’m already lost in the sauce ✌🏻
I would hope that if someone at my funeral reads off my life dates, the second number is as high as possible.
Subscribed at 8:05
I really wish there were more metaphysical stores here they’re far far away from here and I’m in a pretty much city :/
SAME - HOMEBODIES UNIT - At your own homes - separately! 45 y.o. woman who loves to build houses and apartments on the Sims and watch my comfort shows (or have them on in the background). Firefly, ALL the Star Treks except the OS (Seriously - Spock - losing his absolute shit because the captain was assigned a female yoemen turned my stomach. Like, super, OS has women classified as less than men even in the f*cking future....)BUT I do have it on sometimes (on mute) because my cat, Bruce. He likes Star Trek OS. What a weirdo. ;)
Also, trying to engage with others to make friends while immunocompromised is just YIKES. It's so far from safe.
I love your videos.
I've got one question but I think it might actually be two so I'll split it. Why is it illegal to try to therapy somebody over the internet? What is therapy if not just at a very basic level trying to make somebody feel better? I assume just trying to make somebody feel better isn't what is meant.
Slumber parties for you!
Ok, I honestly don't mean to offend anyone by this, and this opinion might be a product of me being in my mid-30s instead of a teen/young adult, but....I really feel like we put WAY TOO MUCH emphasis on individual identity nowadays. I grew up in the 90s, and we had labels, but they weren't really seen as permanent--Goth, Jock, Prep, etc. They were labels for who we were in high school. No one had this idea that they HAD to know EXACTLY who they were at 14 years old. And I think with social media everyone is very explicit about their identity search, so there's now this desperate need for labels and even micro-labels, and it has hyper-emphasized the search for an identity, like it's this thing you have to fully complete before you can move on to the next level in your life. It's become a neurosis.
I was raised in the US, so I can't really compare how this is in the rest of the world, but I can't help but feel that this neurosis is an extension of our hyper-individualism here. I'm not trying to say that communalism doesn't have its faults, or that people from more communal cultures don't care about their identity at all. Just that maybe they don't put this kind of pressure on themselves to have it all figured out and research which micro-label applies to them before they can function, as if identity is a stagnant state instead of an ever-evolving human experience.
Now that I'm in my mid-30s, I know certain random factoids about myself--my Myers-Briggs, the fact that I have ADHD, whether or not I like chocolate or pizza, introvert rather than extrovert, etc. And you know what? It doesn't really matter to me anymore. I've moved on. I'm a human being and that is all that really matters. There's so much more to life than figuring yourself out because there's so much more to life than YOURSELF. I'm not saying light yourself on fire to keep other people warm, but also remember that you don't have to have collected all of your labels in order to be a good person and start thinking about the world at large instead of the comparatively small world inside your own head.
I get that a lot. I'm a youngin and I even agree. Heres where I come from though, practically all of the wider more conceptual ideas of identity based on community, they all are born of pain and suffrage.
I don't want to be a worker because I will starve myself because my boss is selfish, I don't want to be a family member of (insert last name) because they are racist and don't care about me, I don't want to be a school student because I'm bullied and... That other stuff that I won't mention.
Really, I'm just an unhealthy person being held hostage by topics much bigger than me, and by people much crueler than me. Being an individual away from all of that pain, attempting to convince myself that that isn't me, is a plea.
This is all for me, specifically, I don't know about anyone else. I'm the type of person who, I know, wouldn't want a set list of adjectives for my identity (most people don't I think). Searching for your individuality is an attempt to find a sliver of control. At least I think. I'm also hoping that the journey to determine who I am will help me determine how I can make myself feel... Effective.
This is just for me.
i have adhd and am potentially also autistic so finding people who are interested in the same thing is not only incredibly unlikely (in real live and in a reasonable timezone) but also if i were to meet someone i'd most likely be too passionate about it compared to how neurotypicals enjoy media... i am actually also kind of scared to learn and desire to express who i am since that could put me in a lot of danger as a trans person :') this is so unfair :(
finding autistic groups is a great way to find if not people who like exactly the same thing as you will at least be more willing to listen to you ramble about your interests
We whoah
Public libraries: my tax dollars at work. ❤
🖤
I have no stable sense of identity. I'm lost.
My bi identify- finger guns Lmao 😂
well... at least I learned that I am an uptight asshole 😪
I thought identities were formed by the experiences we have trying to survive in this world. Identities are formed by trying to survive in this world. You don't get to sit down with a journal and decide who you're going to be. You're going to be greatly disappointed if that's how you think this goes.
If you have the privilege to be able to sit down, and try to figure out who you're going to be. You're doing it wrong. Go out in the world and survive.
i think you can decide who you want to be. At least when it comes to certain things. Do you want to be someone who stands up for other people? You can DECIDE to do that by standing up for people when you see them being bullied instead of just standing there and letting it happen. And then if you do that all the time, you've BECOME someone who stand up for other people.
a lot of our identities are formed by our experiences, sure. But we get to choose how we react to those experiences, and i think that's just as much a part of our identities as anything else is