Psychological abuse - caught in harmful relationships | Signe M. Hegestand | TEDxAarhus
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- Опубликовано: 19 дек 2019
- What makes people stay in psychologically abusive relations? Watch this personal talk from TEDxAarhus, 2019, where psychologist, Signe M. Hegestand talks about the unconscious patterns that shape our behaviour.
Signe M. Hegestand is an authorized psychologist, psychotherapist and Mindfulness Instructor. In her work, she has been focusing on psychologically abusive relations, because - as she says: “Psychological violence is overlooked, destructive and destroying.”.
In autumn, 2019, she published a book about moving on after a psychologically abusive relationship. “I want to raise awareness of how unconscious relationship patterns affect our love life, so that people can create healthy and loving relationships and nurturing environments for children to grow up in.”
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx Signe M. Hegestand is an authorized Psychologist, Psychotherapist and Mindfulness Instructor. In her work, she has been focusing on psychologically abusive relations for the last 5 years, because - as she says: “psychological violence is overlooked, destructive and destroying”. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
“How do you prove a crime that leaves no physical marks and the only witness is the victim?”
💔
You record everything!!!!
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
That part hit me too.
Wow this hit deep
press record.. I did it on my phone.. what started as a personal thing to hear back if I was being "gaslighted", ended up being given as evidence to police months later when we had a "blow up" incident.
It saved my life!
What makes people stay? People who've been abused start to doubt that the relationship is abusive. The abuser starts to say the right words or do the right thing when you pull away. Then you doubt your intuition. Then you think you're the crazy one. They call you and talk in the most sweetest voice claiming that they love you. They'll make you worry about them when they play games and ghost you. Then they turn it around on you that you ghosted them when you don't chase after them.
I've seen this trend affecting victims mentally.
Thank you for being that person who helps by putting experiences and feelings into words. It helps us by putting our experiences and thoughts in a more logical way of thinking. Its hard for most people to process properly what they have been through which can put a strain on what they will go through. People are able to get help and think of things that happened to them differently when people like you take a moment to express. I hope that wasn't confusing, I hope it made sense. Thank you for taking your time, you may be giving many others the gift of themselves back.
Your comment I felt that went through that with my husband ghosted me because mental illness and our son at the time was 18 months old . It was a crazy situation. Now he's trying to make it up to me but after that. I'm forever damaged
Another thing they do is provoke you, then when you break they flip it around and make it seem like you're insane and you're the abusive one.
Reactive abuse is what it's called.
Debbie Killewald EXACTLY!
I cried and cried because this is my story. No one understands what this does to you long term. It's like a slow lobotomy year after year, until you just lose your ability to think straight, And your personality has completely changed. you lose everything Because every area of your life was systematically taken away and you are to blame, not them. You become Frankenstein's monster that nobody wants anymore.
Thank you...perfect.
Hope you're ok. I understand.
FunSize Boyce ...I would agree !
The majority of us are in the same boat.
Rachelley americarose ...some are MUCH worse than others, if you and others only knew...
Yes,have Compassion for yourself.
Brain scans can prove emotional abuse. Emotional abuse needs to be taken more seriously.
Do you know how far back can they prove it on brain scans?
I sure didn't know that. Thank you for that very valuable bit of information.
This is something I want to google now. I’m really fascinated by what brain activity patterns tell us about psychiatric disorders or what impact trauma leaves on us. But I definitely feel like my brain has changed drastically (for the worse) since I’ve been in my 12-year distressing relationship.
Katen Rangel it’s invisible
@@kirstieb8025 amygdala gets bigger and hippocampus smaller, and it is known to happen during any type of trauma, war trauma included
My mother is a narcissist & can’t see it. “You’re so sensitive” was the running theme to excuse her cruelty. You don’t have children to make them clones of yourself.
J Bats are you all good mate
Sean Hindson - thank you! - Julie:)
Sweets as....☺️😄
Narcissistic mothers are the worst, I found help on line, but still am damaged for life because of her.
You really have to love yourself by putting distance between you and them for your own healing or else you will always be hurting.Stop waiting and expecting them to change,your waiting is hurting you,it hard to accept it but you must heal the inner girl or boy and stop waiting.
Patterns and behaviors of "abuse" can be even more subtle and insidious than the ones mentioned here. She didn't even mention gas lighting which is a common tactic used by abusive people. The NUMBER one thing to sheild and inoculate yourself against getting sucked into bad relationships is tuning into your body and how it feels, instead of basing it on the persons words, saying I love you and SHOWING love are very different indeed. I had to work very hard on BOUNDARIES and saying no, and trusting my gut and iintution, to break free of old patterns of loving unhealthy people. It can be done. But it takes conscious effort.
I'd say she's avoiding technical psychology terms because they hinder getting the message across. She implied gaslight when she mentioned a woman being manipulated with statements like: 'You're too sensitive' 'You misunderstood' 'you're wrong'
Also watching patterns. Not just the words or actions of the moment.
Even silence is used as a weapon. However, the subtle and much more complex and malicious methods of mental and emotional abuse are really difficult to put in words. Financial abuse is part of it too. And that can be the main reason someone gets stuck.
So true. It took me a long time to learn if their actions don't match what they say, believe their actions. Saying I love you is real easy. The hard cold reality is if someone actually loves you, the last thing they want to do is hurt you. So clearly, if they keep hurting you, the words are meaningless.
Maybe... but your mind, body, & gut sometimes have different things to say
My girlfriend and step children suffered horrid abuse in a previous relationship for years and my girlfriend to suffer at the hands of her narcissistic mother and sister. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and still helping her not to say sorry for everything and helped her get over her dependency for alcohol.
Your a good man jay
💖💖💖💖
👌
👍
Amazing ❤️🙏🏾
I stumbled upon you today..2 marriages later and at the age of 62...I am still trying to learn how to set boundaries and how to love and be loved in a healthy relationship. I have not completed my journey and I have not been in a relationship for over 10 years. I don't think healing has an expiration date. Thank you for your wise words, they all resonated with me.
Thanks for sharing. I'm 57 and widowed but still hurt from that relationship and others before that. Infact most of the issues in my previous marriage were sorted in 3 different courts in my country that lasted 7 years from my late husbands relatives,who had been fed falsehoods by my husband concerning me.
The matters ended in my favor and we dont see eye to eye.
I resolved never to have any man relationship again and only trust my maker.
I'm still in the process of healing with my two grown children and 5 grandkids.
Peace to you.
Wandering Audi.
check out Lisa A Romano on you tube, and Facebook..
Meredith Miller at Inner Integration. She also has a book called The Journey.
Look into Lisa A. Romano on you tube regarding healing from Codependency. She has a organ she does rice a year but, her videos are really good and held alot.
I can relate. I haven't been in a relationship for ten years plus.
Emotional abuse has been found to cause PTSD separate from physical abuse and it appears to cause long term depression and anxiety years after they are out of the relationship. In other words emotional abuse causes major damage just as physical abuse alone.
this is what I Was so scared of.
Yes!
I think people who haven't experienced it are real which to say that they would never "let that happen them" or then tend to think victims must be weak. But they don't get how subtle it can be and how they can convince others. Like when he comments on your deepest insecurity. It stings. But if you actually say anything or (especially with other around to hear him) call him out, he immediately looks around at everyone else then grins at you and says something like "Guess someone is a bit uptight" and everyone laughs. So not only has he chipped away at you by revealing the insecurity, now apparently your feeling are wrong too since everyone seemed to think you were being uptight, you figure they all feel the same. It's this chipping away day after day that eventually tears you apart.
Worse than
I am experiencing it.its almost 12 years but the pain persist. I am afraid of new relationships.
At 20 I believed that you gave everything that you have to give for love, had no idea I'd married a Covert Narcissist until my life was wrecked. I'm like the bionic woman now rebuilding myself but better... Thank you!
This sounds very familiar to me.
🙌🏾
Separated from my husband now, when I would tell him what he said to me, or how an action he took hurt me, he would say that I was attacking him. My telling him how his behavior was hurting was hurtful to him, so he felt he had the right to punish me for saying anything about him that wasn't nurturing or appreciative. He felt entitled to be cruel to me because his ego was injured when I told him he was less than perfect. The heartlessness, cold, calculated cruel remarks were breath taking. It literally hurt to breathe. And trauma bonding is real, it is like you are living in a desert and when he would decided to be kind and demonstrate loving actions I would drink it up like needed water; but, it never lasted and usually came when he wanted something for himself. The way he could twist things around to blame me for his actions was unfathomable. Even recording conversations did not cause him to acknowledge how he was treated me, he dismissed it out right saying it wasn't an overall example of our relationship and what was happening in communication. Even though, it documented all of my complaints, silent treatment, rude comments, stating that I said something I did not say, saying he said something he did not say - with proof it was still a no go for him to take responsibility or allow accountability for his actions. I'm working on recovery now and it is still painful and difficult. She's right how do you hold someone accountable for emotional abuse when they are in denial and no one wants to get involved in domestic disputes that aren't actual physical violence?
Relate to everything you said 100%
I'm in a similar situation, although not married. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for years and it's been series of emotional abuse all through - silent treatments, rude comments, and manipulation. It didn't start out like that and I was hoping she would change but it has only gotten worse. I'm convinced I should leave the relationship but I don't know how to. I'm afraid of how broken I'd be if I leave. I know I don't need her to survive but I've gotten so used to being with her that I fear I'd be really unstable in the long term. I really wish life was easier.
I stayed in an abusive relationship for love. Unable to see the patterns of abuse, I questioned myself, where am I wrong. I did things out of love, but nothing was enough. Till it was more than I could take. I found out there was a term for it, Abusive and toxic relationship. Somehow gathered the courage to let go. But the pain that I had given my all is too much to bear.
I have a hard time getting past the betrayal. I had put all my trust in a Narcissist, but thought it was I who triggered his tantrums & control. The bottom line is not to stay in a situation where u don't feel safe & get respect. Once u'r away from these aberrant men, everything becomes clear.
pallawi jain I promise time helps to heal if you decide take care of yourself
@@fernandaalves8785 But, can we forgive them? I can't seem to.
@suzanne adamson Totally! We can forgive them! But first of all we must know what forgiveness truly means! It doesn’t mean you have to be friends or partners again, it doesn’t mean you even have to have contact. It means free your soul of any resentment, and also let them go completely. Forgiveness as letting go of any attachment positive or negative. Exercise it every day, when a bad thought comes to your mind you think immediately: I forgive you and let you go. At the beginning it mind sound odd even for yourself, the words are gonna be bitter on your mouth. But keep practicing every day one thought at a time.
@@fernandaalves8785 I hold tremendous resentment for my ex partner, the whom has been insisting in be friends or Like"family". I reached a point where I had to block him, as he would would not respect what I had asked for(as usual, as what I wanted, would never be accounted) , space and time to heal.
Over time, he has kept insisting in giving the appearance that he is just that wonderful guy everyone would Want by his side and me as being a ungrateful person(he and his family elaborate The outer appearance as to always going far and beyond for anyone while the day to day, doors in situation would be completely disfuntional and as regards to me, I would never matter, i was just the giver) he even went to my mum's place, to finally collect his belongings he had left there and told her how bad I had been by blocking him instead of keeping in touch as a family since we both currently live in another country. Also wanting to take my nieces to go to the cinema or to be with them(as if it was a custody case when they are not even my kids)
I find really hard to forgive and that feeling remains there. I don't want to be like my mum and dad. Holding onto it 25+years later after divorce.
I feel really bothered because eventhough I know it was the right decision to end that disfuntional relationship, I still have a mix of love and anger for him, for things he allowed to happen, not putting my feelings or me first.
He is now in a new relationship (people keeps telling about his life eventhough I don't want to know) which went from starting 4 months after we had ended ours and a pregnancy on almost 3rd month of relationship. It destroys me hearing about him and Frustrates me it never worked for us despite All the effort put in.
He sent me a message last week for my birthday anniversary ( to which I did not reply)and I only found out, the following day, about the loss of the baby on week 22 of the pregnancy.
I feel bad not telling him anything, as it is terrible what's happened to them, but the mix of feelings hearing him moving on in life while I am still dealing with it, I am not able to pass page and forgive. I do feel happy for him as he has found happiness, don't get me wrong and even relieved, because it means less being on top of me insisting on being friends, but it's that incapability to forgive.
I hope you understand my feelings.
Thanks for taking the time on reading my thoughts 🙏❤️
I am in a abusive relationship when will I walk out? Only god knows, please pray for me I don’t know why I can’t leave. .. I’ll act like everything is okay but, if you look deep into my eyes you’ll see my pain. ..
Hi Bye abusive relationships are by far the hardest ones to leave. I’ve been in one and it took so much to walk away. For months I would cry myself to sleep, blame myself for the times he got angry at me.
But I’ll the grief I was experiencing- it’s very common for those leaving an abusive person. I realised that I was free to wear what I want, go out and just do whatever. And it felt so good.
Honestly, there are times when I think I miss him but I then steer my thoughts to think about the attachment styles and question what it is I actually miss. And then I realise- it’s never actually him that I miss; it’s the illusion of him. It’s what I tricked myself of who he was and not who he really is. Abusive people love the control they have over their partners not the partners themselves. It’s no reflection on you or anybody being abused but rather on the one committing the abuse.
All the best to you Hi Bye. Xx
Prepare yourself beforehand because it's a nightmare
Look into covert narcissistic abuse.... Idk if it's a good fit for you but it was for me
It's hard to leave because you are trauma bonded to your abuser. You need to break that Trauma Bond.
I wish I could be able to send you some courage and strength. Belive me you worth more than what you have right now.
Fantastic way to end. “Sometimes you need to say no to others & break the old pattern & say yes to yourself”
Just because you are a guy doesn’t mean this doesn’t happen to you. I’ve been in this kind of relationship for two and a half years. I chose to believe I was more than what my partner was saying about me. The price I payed for freedom was 15 days of homelessness coach surfing. Believe in yourself and love yourself first. Don’t believe it when they say you’re to incompetent to go on your own. You can break the cycle this doesn’t have to be your reality.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 and a half years at uni. It was my first relationship. It destroyed my self-esteem. I made the mistake of reacting to her bad behaviour at times with my own bad behaviour, and of course I was always the one in the wrong, because no-one else could see the effect her abuse was having on me. Eventually, I tried to break it off with her unsuccessfully, but she ran off with someone else- who I will ever be thankful to for ridding me of her. Since splitting up with her, I've had severe mental health problems and haven't had any luck with women due to the constant bouts of depression and mania which have ruined any attempt at a relationship. I think I'm over it now- my mental health is great and I'm ready to date again after a very long time, but I will never let any woman violate my boundaries ever again.
She clarified that both sexes are capable of having emotionally abusive relationships. I've seen it both ways, just slightly different in the manipulation tactics. Good luck in your healing.
Agreed mate. 27 years of my life in the bin due to these psychopaths.
she didn't say that it doesn't happen to a guy, she explained why she focuses on women - because according to statistics women are more likely to end up in emotionally abusive relationships (we could argue that statistics could be inaccurate because men are less likely to admit their girlfriend/wife is abusing them because of shame, but that would complicate things)
i also think that the reason why she focused on one gender was for simplicity reasons - because it'd complicate the speech if she'd have to say "she or he / a woman or a man" everytime in the speech
same
I lived in a psychological abusive relationship for 5 years, and 20yrs later I’m still trying to heal from the scars they gave me
I know, sometimes i feel like I'm just waking up and I'm old and everyone else kept moving but I'm paralized
SHYLO KNOX omg that’s what I’m experiencing. That’s exactly it.
I know isn't it crazy how long it takes to heal? I can spot them now but I can't seem to meet a healthy man if it were to save my life.
SHYLO KNOX I completely agree with you, but I feel I have to have faith that everything happens for a reason
Debbie Killewald I feel that sometimes we also self sabotage in fear of making the same mistakes all over again
Sometimes you get tricked in a bad way and have to wake up and reclaim your self agency or build it from ground zero.
Yep, recently duped and discarded. Now I need to rebuild.
I finally left an emotional abusive relationship that was almost 5 years. Now that I took all the courage to leave, the transition of being and finding myself is more difficult than I thought. He broke me down so well that I can’t think on my own. I feel guilt for leaving because everything I felt and did was proved to be wrong by him. I know things will get better from here but it was truly a traumatic experience and will impact me for the rest of my life.
I hope you are getting therapy, what is happening, to you is my fear. I’ve been in an narcissistic relationship for 28 years. I lost myself when I laid down with him. I knew he was a terrible person, but I didn’t care. I just wanted someone to call me his girlfriend and hold my hand and call me. (I was a young girl 17) My mom was mentally sick and so was her partner. He abused us and kept us away from my mother. I have felt out of place my whole life, never ever fit in. My husband was an easy target, I could sense that he needed someone too. His mom was an alcoholic/ drug addict and his dad was physically abusive and suffered from addiction as well . We were doomed from the start. Two sick people clinging on to each other. He became the only person I have and that’s a very dark place to be. We have 4 children and three grandchildren. Me walking away changes everything. Because I know when I leave I will need to grieve a life I thought I would never have. I just wanted to say this. I wish you well ❤️
Do not worry..the feeling can never last forever. have hope and everything will actually get better..and it will mean nothing to you
You can do it. I need to believe that because I need to do the same.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I left after the first episode.
Wise person!
Your very smart
Good for you!!
Very proud of you this takes amazing courage
Damn good for you must have been a bad first episode
The things I did for love ❤️ and how much I had to learn that the only true love is the love you get for just being yourself. I was abused, taking advantage of sooooo many times and I endured and still didn’t get love. I don’t do anything for love anymore. Take it or leave it.
So happy you could leave so many people don't. I have a friend that goes through this right do you have any advice how I can support her
@J.G. H. you playing the game you are victim blaming
❤❤❤❤
Thank God for these youtube videos. They teach me to observe for existing and possibly RED FLAGS 🚩 , in relationships.
I may be still single, but I am also ALIVE and in one piece, with a sound mind.
To God be the Glory!
Praise God!
This is so true 😢 I dealt with abuse all my life from family, friends, career, relationships and I’m just so damn tired
Most times that is the way the Parents treat the child and that is what the child grows up to attract until you get therapy.
mayana charles - Well said. I’m in therapy currently to undo what I’ve learned so I never get into another dysfunctional relationship again.
you are right mayana...how are you?
@@alvinzady764 In Therapy
@@mayanacharles4204 I'm sorry,how's your therapy?hope you are getting better,if you don't mind,you can give me your whats up number,we can talk better...
4 years of therapy and I still got tricked
Beyond disappointed in myself for staying 7 months too long. I knew within a month he was bad news. Had hope we would both improve.
Stayed with a narcissist 12 years-5 months no contact
Been with one for 15 yrs. I can't wait to go no contact. I'm proud of you.
I was definitely in an emotionally abusive marriage. This has absolutely affected the rest of my life for sure. I was trapped in a strange city, without money, without family, no means of transport. With a toddler and pregnant with a second baby. I was physically shoved and locked out of my home, while I knew my toddler son was being physically abused inside. I never had the bravery or self-confidence to leave him unless I had another man to "take care" of me. Ha! Naturally, that relationship also had a very abusive component. and on it goes. Now I am old and alone, but happier than I have been since my early childhood. I have my independence and the attachment and love of my children, which neither husband do not have.
Honestly, I’m close to giving up on relationships. At 35 after being hurt and having my boundaries disrespected repeatedly only to still deal with it is just crazy. When this is done, so am I...🤷🏽♀️
You are more strong than you can imagine and you will overcome that. Eventually you will find someone who loves the way you deserve. But first you need to love yourself
Pay attention to how you treat others. I bet you mistreat your partners as well, but of course as a woman you have been programmed to only see yourself as a victim.
So much of this is true. I have had this cycle repeating throughout my life. I've also been badly bullied in my personal life and at work. The perpetrator does such a good job of turning others against you that you have no one who is willing to help you and no one that believes you. An end result of this is that you are isolated and have to find something new where no one knows the other person.
My eldest sister experienced emotional abuse, which caused several health issues from the stress of it all. Today she is dead. I did not know that my sister was living with an emotionally abusive husband. I did not realize this until after her death. She hid so much of what went on behind closed doors.
Sorry to hear that.
I'm so sorry x
I wanted to cry listening to her voice. You can hear how scared she is to talk and how upset she feels, feeling failed by everyone
was in an emotionally abusive relationship. the worst part is I still love him. even though I know logically he treated me terribly, I still wish we could be together and make things work. I gave everything in me to make it work and nothing was good enough. he never took responsibility for his mistakes and blamed me and ultimately broke up with me. the screaming matches he had with me have leaved me scarred and traumatized. im so afraid of abandonment by him Im willing to give up everything to be with him. and I know I had a very unstable childhood so it all makes sense why I act this way. I just wonder how some people can be so cruel and be okay with themselves. ive been really depressed about this and Im scared Ill never fully heal.
I know how you feel. Do you feel it was worth leaving?
Holy moses..Everything she says I am living. from the deep sadness and loneliness to the abuse, the childhood and the difficulties of drawing boundaries. This speech was the most powerful Ive ever seen.
This can just as easily happen between a parent and child also...The absolute worst thing is not being believed because people can't see the damage as opposed to physical abuse.
I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship... Didn't want to admit for a while.. Hoped it would get better.. The slightest mistake and she turns into a shouting angry crazy woman. From nice and sweet to a horrible witch.
Her brother is also around causing more complications.
Been 4 years and I think I can't wait for things to change anymore.. it's affecting my mental health..
Get help 4 yourself somehow and get out! Call a help hotline and follow their advice! Ask a friend 4 help and leave! You have free will! Use it! Good luck bruh! 👍
I'm praying for you brother
I am a victim of emotional abuse and it took me a long time to realise it. Talk to someone you trust or any health care provider, even just by talking what you've been experiencing, it helps you to know that you're not alone at least.
I don't know which was worse: my mother's endless physical abuse or her soul-killing mental cruelty. My own wife was once removed from our home for child abuse. A child naturally feels that something is wrong with them when Mommy the Great Nurturer seems to hate them. Healing from child abuse will become easier when women stop selling themselves as all-loving and all-nurturing. Then, the mother can be called out on the basis of her character instead of her gender.
Bradley Mosman thats psychopathy, narcissism or sociopathy. A real mother loves her children.
Brutal.
Most definitely correct!
@@pbj7890 hugs to you. Many of the people I've met throughout life look at me differently because I'm not on contact with any of the toxic family I came from. So many chances I gave to those "people", because they are family. So many years wasted, so many tears cried. Sure, I'm rough around the edges and have trust issues, and I work on that daily. Meanwhile, they live their lives, spreading their poison to whomever will listen. They can have it. I'm breaking the cycle.
Mothers could be some of the most abusive.
One of my first boyfriends in middle school was psychologically abusive and as a child I didn't really realize, but I dated someone else in 9th grade who wasn't the best boyfriend either, but the distraction got me out of that relationship thank-fully. I heard years later that my middle school boyfriend (avoiding names here) had physically abused several girls and was psychotic. I also remember him telling me in 8th grade that his father would beat him periodically. I wasn't taught from my parents what to look for, and as a young girl I just wanted a boyfriend. If I would've stayed in that relationship, I have no idea where I'd be today. Parents teach your children the signs, especially your daughters, because no we would NOT leave if we don't know to.
God for you, Meg.
Toxic parents cannot teach that because they cause harm and abuse to the child.
This things run in families.Its hard but wise to breakout.
You can teach a girl the signs of toxicity and they still refuse to see it. I'm living that now and as a mom it's tough to bear to know you've talked about so much of this and the girl still rushed in to "feel loved" and such. To her credit she is headstrong and will tell the boy to eff off but I fear she's still being sucked in. Will have to sit down with her and discuss.
@@mayanacharles4204 very true :(
I am experiencing this I think, I can't think straight sometimes. Its certain things that I see, that lead to emotional trauma. I think things will get better,and every two years it comes back, I never get stronger. I just get more damaged.
I am so loving and kind. I respect others and want to be humble at all times. I have been manipulated to believe that all this virtues that have always dominated by character are actually not true.
I don't know what to do.
Thank you for talking about this...its true, emotional negligence in childhood can cause them to have low self esteem, feel unworthy of love as adults and make us believe that we need to compromise and live in abusive relationships..I was in such a relationship for a long time till I finally came to terms with myself n moved out of it
For me, my neglect was being sent to a boarding school. I felt betrayed by my own mother, who isn't a bad person. She thought it was good for me because I was bright and would be better off around other bright kids. I did well at school academically, but the separation from my loved ones left me emotionally scarred. I did tell her this years later, and she apologised. I accepted it wasn't done out of malice.
this is so hard to deal with, because if you don't know what a caring and loving relationship is then you live with these demons in your life and also your child lives with these feelings.
Thank you for this lecture. Abuse happens everywhere: in families, in relationships and in the job. I am survivor of psychological abuse at home during childhood but it has meshed with abuse in working environments., which has been less systematic but not less damaging. Emotional abuse needs to be taken seriously and we survivors need to get access to the tools necessary to really move on: how to identify safe environments from potentially abusive ones, how to protect yourself emotionally in case of abuse and how to break the persistence of it.
I felt I had to reply to your remarks as this has happened to me. Like you i suffered psychological abuse at home as a child and I found that this repeated itself at work. With my last job it was terrible and I still have flashbacks from this experience. I hope you are on the path of healing.
This is literally my life story so far.
I was born into this situation. The pain of my existence to this day stems from this type of coercive control and having a learned helplessness and I vow to make this my life mission to educate much like this excellent speech. Every single painful word of this is what I feel every second of every day.
sounds like the root of the issue is parenting - how people experience love and respect (or lack thereof) from the very beginning - which makes me wonder if there even is a way to fix this problem as a whole society. Is there a way to teach people how to love and respect their kids? God...that question is sad. I try my best not to make the same mistakes my parents did, but parenting is so damn hard sometimes. Having the parent perspective now has helped me forgive them.
I’ve only been in abusive relationships. I just got out of one today. The pain is unreal & im just so thankful to my parents for making me think abuse is ok to tolerate
This is a very common form of abuse and leaves mental scars for many many years
Yes that is what I went through with my ex. He have narcissistic personality disorder.
Hope you’re in a better place now🌸
Most of us have fallen victims to this abuses and hardly teach others how to discern this abusive traits before hand.
I thank you very much for the inside look of how much this type of behavior affects some of the people that have been put through this. I experienced something similar and I somehow overcame this with a stronger will and authority against it as a result. You opened my eyes to the fact I may push against loved ones in my life to strongly because I was able to overcome and not see the fact some may not have. Bless you.
I needed to see this tonight. every single word is me.
Thank you for this, so simple and beautifully explained by a very beautiful lady with a beautiful soul. I could easily be the little girl described who went on to abusive relationships unknowingly repeating the pattern, now I say “no” 💕💕
Awesome. I'm learning to say no and yes to myself. Enough with psychological abuse. We deserve better!
The best thing you can do as a lady.. only depend on yourself. Do whatever you can to support yourself!!! It is not worth staying in an abusive relationship just for financial support AT ALLLLLLLLLLL ever. Don't do it. Take care of yourself and love yourself before you get trapped 💜💜💜💜💜💜 said by experience lol😪 this applies to all relationships. Abusive parents or partners aren't worth all of these mental health issues.
Fantastically said bravo. This subject is crucial bc usually people who live this are unaware of it.
Thanks Ms. Hegestand for increasing awareness.
There are other forms of abuse. Mine was financial abuse. I married a man with money and never caught on, at first, that I had no finances in my own name. I wasn't on the mortgage, the title to either car, had no bank account of my own. If I needed stuff he gave me cash. One day this hit home and I realized what a corner I'd been painted into. In a fit of anger he held me on the bottom of the hot tub and drowned me. Just before I passed out he pulled me onto the deck. After that I told him I was leaving him. He said "how are you going to do that?" with a smug smile. I had nothing and was afraid that I'd wind up on the street, begging for money, so I stayed. I did get away but years of my life were wasted forever.
Thank you for helping to reveal the prevalence of crazy-making abuse in relationships! 💟
Yes! We need to hear more of this
I'm going to watch this video everyday of my life! It described my situation so perfectly and I think it will help me to get ahead. Thanks so much for this!
Exploring the comments, people’s exp and stories is also insightful :(. ‘Setting her own needs aside, blaming herself for her partners bad mood and feeling grateful for any kind of love’..
"I will not let another person call me names and I will not let people treat me disrespectfully". This is my issue when my husband and I argue bad.
I survived 37 years with a guy who never stopped dating/cheating. I never cheated. We (I) raised three children. Now the children hardly talk to me (kids nowadays!). All I ever wanted was my parents to talk to me....but my mom died @ age 9, dad checked out and remarried and the spoiled their new child together. Basically, I never had any family, all abusive. Now, my employers are abusive and I have no friends. Jesus come quickly.
Say no to others, and yes to yourself...Powerful
Thank you, I appreciate your willingness to help others.
So spot on!! 😊 I identify with this, one thing not mentioned that's true for me is that I also struggle with being fairly emotionally unavailable because my feelings were not important. Luckily I am learning a lot thought different 12 step programs. ❤
This was very good! I needed to hear this.
It is an extremely emotional video and so true. Never never give up. God bless you
I heard:
look at you, you have no confidence
your clothes are wrong
I wouldn't get out of bed for less than $1,000 a day (ridiculing my income)
etc, etc, etc.
Terrible terrible abuse, against his 11 year old daughter and 16 year old son, who unfortunately also acted out many of these traits having been raised themselves in such a toxic environment to have it normalized. I felt like I was a fresh piece of meat bought home to a pack of hyena's who all circled and laughed at me (and they did laugh too - very sadistic people) slowly tormenting and waiting for their turn to each tack another little tasty bite of me....they can't even hear it when you try to explain what this looks like.
Im a man and an NPD survivor. I hate it when people act like it doesn't happen much to men. It happens much much more then dodgey statistics will tell you. I bet many men don't even recognize that they were abused psychologically and emotionally. My heart goes out to anybody in this boat no matter who they are. Light attracts darkness.
You are so right. Men are taught at a young age not to express their feelings, so they get pushed away and that alone is a recipe for bad. Before giving birth to a son, I never even paid much attention to any sufferings of men, but my boy made me realize how society denies boys the outlet or the acceptance to feel and humans are at their very core feeling creatures before we are anything else. We had feelings before we were even able to see or speak. There are many things that need to be changed about society because it denies victims and rewards abusers. You are not a dodgy statistic, you're a person just like the rest of the survivors and your voice matters equally. My heart goes out to you. Light does attract darkness no matter the person. And many times the darkness seeps in like an insidious parasite until it's contaminated so much of the purest parts turning them grey or even dark...it is when you ask yourself what's wrong with me that many start learning about what's wrong with them.
@@Breezysighed Its lovely that you see it. I think far too often people say "men won't or aren't open about their feelings", we actually are a lot of the time, its just that we aren't listened to and hardly anyone cares. We are invisible. The bottom of society in many ways. Most homeless people are men, most suicides are overwhelmingly men, that's not purely because "we aren't open with our feelings" like most people say, its just not the case. Its because life isn't kind to men these days. We are seen as disposable and treated that way. We often, many of us feel that way.
@@Breezysighed If I died today, two people would know and one would occasionally miss me. I'm not joking.
Yeah true! I think the real statistics are closer to 50/50. Also there is male on male abuse which has such a strong hold on culture which leads to very perverse understandings about men and such a huge impact on self perception.
Thank you for this post.
WE DID NOTHING WRONG BUT LOVE THE WRONG PERSON. She is very right tho, how do u prove a crime was committed when ur friends think ur exaggerating or in some way allowed this to happen. What was done to me was a straight up crime, most awful thing I have witnessed happen to anyone, and now those around me expect me to get over, stop thinking about and start dating again... START DATING AGAIN, wtf... they have no I idea how much destruction I have endured.
Wonderful. You can feel the empathy in her words
When ever I come to ted talk I realise that world is very big. I am happy to see there are people like me
Verbal abuse took everything from me. My family, my peace of mind. Thank God my case manager listened & believed about the verbal abuse.
You are an intelligent and compassionate woman. Thank you so much for this TEDtalk.
P.S. your outfit and hair are incredible! My daughter and I love your style!
Great speech! Worth rewatching.
Exactly, no physical marks
Thanks a million. Such an enlightening speech!
Amazing. Thank you 💕
Thank you so much for this concise and yet very informative video. It has really helped me a lot. I think I will rewatch this from time to time throughout potential future relationships in case I fall into those same traps again. So thank you!!!
ok, i watched it again already. That last minute is gold! I wrote the points down. Thank you again!
Great awareness presentation.
Thank you for this
We need laws against psychological abuse. We need to term psychological abuse mental assault because it’s just as malicious as battery. Emotional mental abuse has the same goal as physical abuse which is to hurt someone else. Scars from mental abuse can take a lifetime to heal unlike physical scars. There is nothing soft about soft torture.
This is so relateable to me thank you for helping me understand myself and why I am the way I am
Thank you so much love!
Perfect..🙌❤️... yet so painful to look at 💔but I am doing it one layer at a time 🙏Thank You
Amazing talk. Thank you. I have said no to myself, but it’s time to say it’s enough. I will not let you insult me anymore.
I thought there are very less people who suffer from PTSD after getting affected by narcissist parent , there is an big empath community, my love is with you, be strong because it'll hurt.
very nice...
Thank you so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Absolutely loved this thank you so much
GOD I LOVE THIS TED talk!!!!
Wow ! Thank you !
I'm learning to set boundaries. In the process of setting and maintaining boundaries I don't care about those who are trying to show me a lesson.
Very valuable talk. Needs more views
Thank you !
The tears 🥺 such an important topic
Wonderful talk!
This is why PTSD applies to me. This as I can remember started at 3yrs.
Thank you thank you thank you for an fantastic speech 👏👏👏👏👏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Perfect ending. ❤
Very true and very good message
Thank you ❤️