Humanity is like a non-newtonian fluid; when free, it flows wherever and generally makes a mess of things. Give it some pressure and watch it solidify...
Alien race decides to be adopt humanity. Seperate alien race decides to bully humanity's adoptive parents. Humanity as a whole: *SO YOU HAVE CHOSEN EXTERMINATUS.*
@@emeralddragon2980 yea the fact they sent a single ship, wich proceeded to absolutely book it out of there, means we all know they left a nice little present there. i am assuming from the fact that it ends at the warning to surrender, wich was already ignored once, that said agressor race has been thoroughly deleted, the only possibly remaining specimen, assuming they look alien enough, to be found in human Zoos
So, basically... Tasmanian Devils. Little black balls of fuzz, until the fighting starts, then the mouth opens and bites down with enough force to crush bone.
We're like the family guard dog. Smiles and wags and pets and playing. Doggy smiles and playful arguments over couch ownership. And then the psycho breaks in to kill our family, and suddenly we're teeth and snarling and going for the throat and hamstrings because THESE ARE OUR PACK AND YOU WILL NOT FUCKING TOUCH THEM. And then the intruder is dead and we're right back to wags and pets and a slightly red-muzzled doggy smile, and only that redness remains to show the fanged primal viciousness that is belied by our friendliness and affection, and only directed towards those that mean our people harm.
when country A takes over country B: Welp, guess country B should have thought that out better When starslime takes over territory B. Territory A: "They took B's woman and children, raped and murdered them, and drained every single resource leaving only DEATH!" Territory C: "Did they really do that?" Territory A: "Nooo, BUT ARE WE WAITING UNTIL THEY DO!?" *agreeing human noises*
@@introvertedasheck The idea of millions humans all shouting “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” is incredibly terrifying for some reason. We really are Space Orcs (Orks) aren’t we?
EnEMIeS of HuMANitY You HaVE cOME HERe To DIE. The IMMorTaL EmpEroR is WitH Us and wE aRe InVINciblE. His SolDiErs WilL sMitE yoU dOWn, HiS waR MaChINes wILL crUsH yoU unDeR thEiR trAcKS. HiS GunS wiLl briNg the VerY sKiEs crAshIng dOWn on YOu. PrEpaRe yourSelVEs, FoR yOu CannOt WiN.
There's more than a few novels where our species is unique in that we're functionally insane and basically have the rationale of Lovecraftian nightmares compared to what the norm is for the rest of the universe.
Probably seemed really innocuous to them at the time. I feel like most races wouldn't bother studying the history of a war-like race in that universe, as they'd probably expect to see the same song and dance.
Ey! Did you just attack those? They are the arch enemy of my great great grandfather, whom I despised and whose already dead! If anyone attacks them, it is me!
Nah' ive: Aww the human on board is adorable, what's his name? Seas'nd: That's Frank. He's deaf on his left side so try not to frighten him by approaching him from the left. Nah'ive: Oh no. Was it an accident? Seas'nd: It's an old injury. When our world attacked he and his crew eradicated 13 war ships before our invaders headed the warning to surrender. Nah'ive:.......
Someone attributed us to a bunch of wolves fighting over a kill, but that one wolf comes in and is subsequently slaughtered by the others working together
In the 2nd story I imagined the sudden turning of 50 billion human heads directly at where the Kor just invaded, snap, (Humans) "Did they just attack the little Colchester Conglomerate mines?" Jaws music begins.
Humans having a battle royale when suddenly a wild alien joins in. Faction 1: "Do we know these guys?" F2: "I don't think so." F7: "Do we have any treaties with them?" F15: "Nope" F23: "Bring out the nasty weapons ! The ones we banned in the past 500 years! Time to see some fireworks!"
These two completely different alien races learned a very dangerous lessen. When humans are given a reason to kill, not dominate, kill, there is nothing you can do but ask your god why it hath forsaken you.
Close but not quite true... The only thing you can do is watch as your god is squashed like a bug before your eyes and then see the thing that killed your god turn in your direction.
Humanity when fighting amongst themselves/their allies are not under attack: (Silence) Humanity when outside forces attack/their allies ARE under attack: Haka Scene from the show "See"
As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city states, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta looked relatively weak and without walls. Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying “If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.” The Spartans replied with one word - IF
Human: Look LOOK, I made ~cool thing~! Alien: Huh? Oh, yes, well done. Erm, what does it do? Human: It's COOL THING!. Alien: Ok, try not to hurt yourself you loveable scamps. Alien2: Give loot, or else (or else will hap[pen regardless) Human: BONK!, hey, I figured out a use for Cool thing, also here's Cool think Mk2 though 20, i'm going outside to play now. Sounds of screaming, tears, explosions and mayhem ensue. Alien: WTF just happened?
I like to imagine that Japanese has become humanity's universal language and that after that incident the Japanese word for "run" has become the biggest intergalactic linguistic taboo.
Moral of the stories: Don't f*ck with humans, only humans dare f*ck with humans. And if you dare f*ck with a human, or a friend of a human, prepare to get your right to be on this plane of existance revoked, because that's one easy way to turn your difficulty from Very Easy, to Nightmarish Hellbent Apocalypse.
really need to change the tone and change from a plea to a threat behind the words "Run!" and "Surrender!". They need to a be completely different guttural rumbling growl. But these stories are awesome keep up the amazing work!
Humans be like "we fired our guns and the British (enemies) kept a coming. There wasn't as many as there was a while ago we fired once more and they began a running down the Mississippi to the gulf of Mexico"
We are also EXTREMELY territorial. We could come one day, say that an island is ours, and leave it to never come back. Then, if 100 years in the future, some other country goes to the island and says they own it... Now that's enough of a reason to start a war XD. My country did it, and the opponent was far bigger and powerful than us. We were trampled, obviously, but a lot of people still say that the island is ours XD.
@@killbotter6998 Correct XD. Though my country prefers to call them Malvinas, and still acts as if they are ours, even if we had our ass handled to us by their legitimate owners XD.
They gave us a toy car, we turned it into a remote controlled car because turning it into a bomb would have been rude. But when someone hurts the people who gave us toys, we turned those toys into bombs, because not doing so would have been rude.
Kor: How could you have beaten us? The calculations said that it was impossible! Humans: You couldn't possibly know what we would do if _we_ didn't know what we'd do.
When you come across a group of angry, combative predators squabbling over a fresh kill, trying to take a piece is not a recipe for a long and healthy life.
tbh, i fully expect the humans left some sort of singularity or nanite bomb and gave them one last chance before wiping a few square lightyears from existence
@@justinconnelly5011 they blew up half the galaxy the aliens were from and then said dont f with our family. theres a tiny bit more after demanding surrender..... also a pet doggo XD
One species of alien finds us cute as puppies and adopts us Another species tries to hurt our new friends, the puppies turn out to actually be giant Dire Wolves.
@Lurking Carrier I like to think of it as a simpler warning. We sent 1 ship to slowly trundle into the middle of their territory, killing anything sent to engage it, never even slowing down. Proving they couldn't out fight us. Then it left faster than they could even track it. Proving they couldn't out run us. If you can't win the fight, and you can't run away, and we proved all that with 1 ship, imagine what we could do with 10, 100, or 1000, we highly recommend you listen this time.
@@cgi2002 Pretty much what the US did to japan in the 1850. Sent a few ships on the coast of Japan just to flex on them and make them realize how much they were outmatch, forcing the diplomatic demands they had back them. Also triggered their industrial revolution and got a nasty surprise a century latter, but that's humans for you.
@Lurking Carrier No for some reason the story was cut short. The version on reddit ends with them destroying half the galaxy. Then the friendly aliens realise that humans think dogs are cute. And that they themselves look alot like the humans dogs. And humanity sends a call across the entire universe not to mess with their buddies again.
Humanity: Busy killing each other and just casually being an apex predator. Aliens: Hmm yes let us attack while they’re distracted. All of Humanity: U fOq’N WaT mAtE! *Aliens get stomped* Rest of Galactic Civilization _Rolls up Window_
Aliens: OH JESUS CHRIST HELP! THEY ARE KILLING US ALL! Rest of Galactic Civilization: *Has radio turned up to max volume, listening to Machinegun Kiss*
@@boxtank5288 Only issue I have with that is we aren't even close to being apex predators, which I honestly think should scare "aliens" more. I haven't heard of a Space Orc story revolving around that point yet. Out of a 1-5 on the Apex scale, we are a 2.2. Yet we still kick the pants off of any actual apex predator with tools, clan bonding and preparation (basically we are Apex Batmen). Everything else was solid tho XD.
@@135Fenrir I have something for you along that subject. www.wattpad.com/872779250-empyrean-iris-story-collection-humans-are-space It actually often focusses on that, one of the aliens in particular is horrified to learn about the actual apex predators that humans kiss and cuddle and let sleep in their beds.
you know considering that race interacts with children ALOT relatively sure there would be alot of kids that took them as surrogate mothers. i mean best analogy i can think of is someone kicking you, and your 500 pound Tibetan Mastiff seeing it... the first howl is telling you to run, the first bite is telling you to give up, pray they dont bite a second time....
Quark : Let me tell you something about Hew-mons, Nephew. They're a wonderful, friendly people, as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people... will become as nasty and as violent as the most bloodthirsty Klingon.
@@wrathshorts2894 The humans, I think, knew they were doomed. But where another race would surrender to despair, the humans fought back with even greater strength. They made the Minbari fight for every inch of space. In my life, I have never seen anything like it. They would weep, They would pray, They would say goodbye to their loved ones, then throw themselves without fear or hesitation into the very face of death itself, never surrendering. No one who saw them fighting against the inevitable, could help but be moved to tears by their courage, their stubborn nobility. When they ran out of ships they used guns. When they ran out of guns they used knives and sticks, and bare hands. They were magnificent. I only hope that when it is my time, I may die with half as much dignity as I saw in their eyes in the end. They did this for two years. They never ran out of courage. But in the end, they ran out of time.
I liken humanity to a dysfunctional family. We can fight amongst ourselves as much as we like but if an outsider tries to butt in, we will unite against the hapless offender with such tremendous force that they won’t know what hit them.
"They left a single brodcast... "Surender" The response never came. The few snipits of information we managed to collect, before *it* hapened, was a second wawe of ships emerging from the planets, readying for a second assault, and dozens of blimps, indicating human ships poping out of FTL all around the enemy worlds, all across their territory, just for a split second, only to jump again, what folowed afterwards... was an explosion. A chain reaction of explosions, that cracked the planets, burst the stars and made the sky of the enemy territories turn black. No habitable planet, no mining station, no ship or survivor left. The entire galactic nation, wiped out, in an instant. That. That is the power of Humans. That is the ferocity of the cute litle ones. That is the rage they bring upon those, who unrightfully take whats dear to them. Humans are cute.... untill they are not"
Naive alien: "Aww, look at the human. It's so smol and cute!" Aliens who have seen a human in action: *hollow, dreadful, vacant eyes* "You will learn."
If they are new aliens to the Council from the above story; a council member quietly approaches them. "Ah yes you are the newest FTL race to join the council, welcome.", "Have you heard of The Kor?", "No, let me tell you a story....."
First story : Yeah the part where they fucked up was when they thought we would role over for them. The minute they attacked one group of humans, even if they were the most hated, the rest of humanity immediately said as one, "Bitch no you didn't!" Immediately followed by, "Ok. I got you." Second story: You never touch a humans friend. It's the quickest way to find out how short your life can be.
Well . . . if the group of humans was the most hated by other humans, it's possible the others will decide 'Okay. All things considered, the aliens had good cause. Okay." But if those aliens then attack other humans, it's 'The first lot, okay. Couldn't really argue those humans were worth fighting for. But now, it's Elmer Season!"
Now i am not a fan of the Leadership of North Korea, But if an Alien ship just comes by and drive-by NK With alien Nukes, you can bet on me i'll go "HEY!!! THAT WAS MY JOB YOU FUCKING HOMEWRECKING XENO SLUDGE SPACE SNAIL FUCKS!!!!" And band with the nearest coalition forming in defense of Mankind, Mess with one, You're messing with a whole species.
In short: none of us are as cruel as all of us. Look at all the horrors we visit on other humans. Think of what we will do to another species not even of Terran linkage that decides to try pushing us around. *Imperium of man noises intensify.*
Fun Fact 1: If you find yourself in the midst of a baboon troop, no matter what happens, DON'T SCARE THE BABIES. Fun Fact 2: If your species finds itself in contact with another race that has befriended humans, DON'T MAKE THE HUMANS ANGRY.
The messages in that last story are very Spartan. They had a thing of sending a message in as few words as possible. Some of my favourites: *Persians* "we want earth and water as a sign of submission" *Spartans* "then you shall have it" has messenger thrown down the well (what this is sparta is based on) *Philip of Macedonia* "if we take Sparta we will burn it to the ground" *Spartans* "If" *Athenian women* "how do you have such authority over your men?" *Spartan women* "only spartan women give birth to men" I'm paraphrasing but yeah
alien invader: ahaha, what will those humies will do? wait, why do i hear a Boss Music? Humanity: *Summoned an entire rock band, 'playing At the Hell's Gate' RIP AND TEAR UNTIL THE DEED'S DONE
It reminds me of a old US army commander that was surrounded by Germans. The Germans told them surrender, and the commander gave one word in reply. "Nuts!" Even our allies had to be explained what that one meant.
ah the alien mindset "how can humans be a threat to anyone else, they constantly fight themselves." makes vaguely threatening gesture at human outcast faction humanity: "*chuckles* you're in danger."
Human infighting weakens them in the moment, but it gives humans long-term strength. It gives humans *practice.* Humans have a lot of practice when it comes to war.
@@damonminnix4660 Ain't that the truth. America is a prime example of this. In all of it's history it has had like 16 years of actual Peace. Constantly fighting somewhere or other.
I imagine the humans see the race that finds us cute as cute themselves. Imagine a twelve foot tall, weak as wet spaghetti alien cooing over you. Adorkable. Now imagine some jackass pushes them down.
@@njnjco In another, somehow less frakked up 40kk future: Me a kreigsmen :This is my alien! There are many like it, but this one is *MINE* *points at all in vicinity* *YOU DONT FUCK WITH IT, AND IF YOU DO, I'LL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD, CRAP DOWN YOUR NECK, THEN PISS IN YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD* Turns to alien, who is looking at me bug eyed: Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?! Do you need help walking?!? Please tell are you okay?!
It's like every alien is like: "Oh look at that lemur playing in the mud with rocks! I'mma poke him with a stick and take away his rocks!" [Poke] [Human's eye glows red] [Death metal plays] "Why do I hear boss music?"
They never seem to realize most of our tech advances are from adapting military tech for other uses. Humanity has a serious hard-on for warfare, always has. Give us a reason to stop using this against eachother and unite against a common external enemy, and even we dont know what were capable of.
I like to think that in this universe Humans are outliners, normally an alien race will first create a technology to improve the quality of life of their civilians and then after quite some time they will find military aplications. Humans do the exact oposite, first they create big ass weapon of mass destrcution and only after some time, that tech is used outside militar aplications. Species like the Kor and Cl´Mir´Ni most likely had this process of tought, they belived that our weapons of war were not that advanced because of our civilian tech, so they were completely caught of gaurd when our ships had the ability to wipe out their military fleets on one shot.
Indeed. I thought of this earlier. "Humans may not be completely unified. However, all of that fighting amongst themselves has caused them to be quite adept at war. The tenacity that drove them to fling themselves at sub light speed towards a planet that they, nor their children, or their children's children had any hope of seeing; that has proved that if even a fraction of their species lives, they will never give in without a fight. The might of this race against those who would attack them, the rage that will never be forgotten due to that tenacity. That is why we are to Never attack them."
First story: The best way to beat humans is to work a faction against another. The best way to get your head handed to you on a platter is give them a common enemy.
aliens: humans are so cute and childish let's adopt them Aliens invade humanity apoted alien parents Humanity: let's play a game called genocide. We only been playing it for thousands of years
Humans: *waging war on each other* Scumbag Xenos: *thinks this is a good time to attack a small outlier group* Humans: *turn with eyes glowing red and begin marching forth screaming battle cries, letting slip our machines of war*
The full secomd story It's very common for other races to find humans 'cute' as the adults are only half the size of even the shortest G'ling. They are small, normally smell alright and are always doing something bizarre and crazy. Much like children. So it was only natural when they joined the fold of the universe we took them in, much like children. We felt superior, as if we must guide and protect these humans, especially from themselves. Our race in particular is very close to humans. We particularly thought of humans as adorable children, and many of our female kind take to becoming nursery teachers for them, as we find them ever so adorable. We actively try to make sure all ships have one as well, not only for their cuteness but their amazing problem solving skills. And humorous mistakes. Helps pass the boring voyages. Humans were always watched where ever they went, and were surprisingly innovative in their designs and technology. It was much like handing a child a toy race car and coming back an hour later to find they had turned it into a remote control car. How you have no idea, but they look so happy that you can't bring to ask 'why did you do this?'. Well, we should have. When the Cl'mir'ni came, and attacked our planet, we thought we were dead. A race so powerful and advanced, we expected to have no chance. Still we aided our alien friends to safety, and tried to hold them off. We pleaded for aid from the mighty Zu'mog'ha. Alas, they were fighting to protect their territories. We resigned ourselves to death, and prayed our people-the little that we could fit on the colony fleet-could run far enough to survive. Somehow in the chaos, the humans were alerted. They sent the enemy one single word. And only once. -Run- But the Aliens did not heed their warnings. And so the humans came. And within an hour the ships threatening us lay in wreckage and scraps. We watched a video stream, transmitted to the whole galaxy, as the humans wiped them from our home sectors. It would have been stunning but never terrifying if they had stopped there. No, they didn't stop. They sent a single ship to their galaxy my friends. The ship went to the middle of its worlds. Then it booked it from the galaxy. Why? Were their armaments too hard to defeat? When it left they sent a single message to the enemy. Once again. -Surrender- The aliens doubted them, after all who can blame them? One ship enters and later flees? Well it wasn't fleeing we discovered. The camera feed switched to a box in the middle of space, with a planet in the far background, their home planet to be exact. I realized what the ships goal had been. It had dropped a black cube. It could be no taller than I, a being 2.5x bigger than the tallest human. But why? The answer came in a moment. All feeds cut out and then there was silence. Next was an active star chart, one that actively mapped out the galaxy of the enemies. A humans voice sounded. "Ah well, we only got half the galaxy. Well, it was the only half inhabited anyways. Ow! Sorry boss was that recorded?!" Next a stern man appeared, with another man running away behind him. "A notice the the universe, you do not attack our family." He looked seriously at the screen. A four legged animal ran up to the mans feet, and I noticed it looked surprisingly like our race. But much smaller. Very much smaller. And it... Barks?
"Did you know that within 6 cycles of trading for food replicator tech, they've re-engineered it to make organic weapons?" 6 cycles? What kind of pacifist bullcrap is that? Man, we're slipping.
#2 reminds me of the Spartans reply to a Macedonian emperors message -emperor:"if i come to your land will it be friend or foe?" -spartan king:"neither" -emperor:"when i come to your land i will raise it to the ground!" -spartan king:"if" -emperor: *PROCEEDS TO NOT INVADE SPARTA*
Not only did Emperor Philip II of Macedon not invade Laconia (Sparta's kingdom), his son, Alexander, better known as Alexander the Great, the guy whose conquering skills led to HUNDREDS of conquered cities renamed after him all the way to freakin' INDIA, did not invade Laconia either. The King of Sparta's response successfully caused a GENERATIONAL conquerboner killing, the second of whom was one of the most conquerboner sportingest, empire-buildingest mofos to ever LIVE. THAT is how badass that response was.
@@GuukanKitsune I also like how Alexander the Alexander had shown more respect to Dyogines than any of the other Athenian philosophers, even going as far to say "Were I not Alexander, I would Wish to be Dyogines."
@@Thurgosh_OG maybe, but the Shotgun being loaded tells the aliens everyone in the room is about to be reduced to (insert Alien blood colour) smears on the ground and walls.
You're not wrong. I read a book on the subject that said in groups where there are no differences and no conflict, people will make up differences just to have conflict. Only the introduction of an external threat will unite them again.
Story 1, We only fight each other because we don't have anything else to fight. *PLEASE*, give us something to fight. Story 2, We still cute, dropping an experimental WMD in the middle of enemy space is super cute
Humans are Cute… Until they’re not… A classic example of someone adopting an adorable if odd looking pet. Only to later learn (upon home invasion) that the adorable, clumsy, oddly intelligent bundle of floof you’ve invited into your home to stay can in fact, at the drop of a hat, transform into a towering shambling shapeless horror with more eyes and teeth and mouths than physically possible. This you learn of course as it calmly and unobtrusively devours your enemies and leave their holdings in ruins. Before once more returning to the adorable floof you’ve known all this time, once all has been consumed and retribution wrought.
Then we snort the bone dust and proceed to drive to their home planet, steal their girlfriend, Molotov their house, make fun of their mom,s Facebook minion memes, and force their entire civilization into an unconditional surrender
I love the cute human story. "They sent one word and one word only 'RUN!' " like wow that's brilliant 👏 I loved it. And then warping in with one ship and sending the word "surrender" like damn nice double flex
1st story: we are like a family that loves and hate each other yet we have each other's backs when things happen. 2nd story: we're like cats and dogs cute, adorable, and cuddly yet we have claws and teeth. Don't mess with those that we call ours.
Hegemonic Councel: It is easier to divide by 0 than to defeat angry humans. Councilor Jorik of Kor: What is this nonsense, you cannot divide by 0. Hegemonic Councel: Exactly.
Bit like the first contact war in mass effect 😂 turians destroy 3 human ships. Humans destroy those ships. Turians *invades planet and conquers it in a week. Also turians "I think we got them all". *Humans sending in am entire fleet "PARRY THIS YOU FUCKING CASUAL"
@Lurking Carrier yeah, but iirc Mordin points out that humans are too diverse to be predictable on a genetic level in his loyalty mission. The turians could've pushed all the way to earth, but that would've just made us fight harder and smarter. On a game point of view, Shepard would've been born a few decades later and they would've been stopped or outright conquered. In a lore point of view, the turians rely on the Salarians for military intelligence and the asari for diplomacy while humans are self sufficient in all categories. We would win in the long run, as the Turians don't have the ferocity of the Krogan. They wouldn't wipe us out, but rather try and make a vassal race of us like the volus, and we all know how humanity takes to long term servitude as a collective.
This always reminds me of a quote from Doctor Who: Demons run, when a good man goes to war. Night will fall and drown the sun when a good man goes to war. Friendship dies and true love lies. Night will fall and the dark will rise when a good man goes to war.
To paraphrase my favorite scene from that episode "Good men don't need rules; today is NOT the day to find out why we have the geneva convention". is it bad that I'm amused by the fact that we're so damn good and terrifying at war, that we actually have to have rules AGAINST doing some stuff. The scary/funny thing is that I can totally see some alien civ looking through our history and going "Yeah, no. You can't do that, that, that, THAT, certainly not that, that one's RIGHT OUT, and just fuck no!"
Or when Edward, the Hammer of the Scots, invaded Scotland (almost obviously), Stirling Castle surrendered. Surrender refused, because he had just bought a new siege engine, and wanted to test it. After a couple of days, the survivors tried to surrender again, and were refused again. After a week, Stirling was totally wrecked, and Edward was happy with his new purchase.
"You ask me if the humans are so advanced, so powerful, and so gifted in the art of war and politics, why they do not sit at the head of the council? it is because they are not unified. Yes, Humanity itself has several other civilizations working with them in their collective, many of them former foes who they have shown mercy to. others have come willingly in an attempt to seek protection from much more powerful races, many of those have retracted entire fleets from warspace when their surrender to humanity was announced... however, terrans themselves, are not unified. they squabble and war amongst themselves in petty disagreements between nations on their homeworld, constantly fighting one another and learning from fighting themselves... they were once offered that position, but they declined it, as to not cause chaos by having species side with different sides of their internal conflicts. however, they have shown an interest in the position once they unify, however long that takes them... " "You want to know why i sit at the head of this council, and not the terrans?...simple.... i'm keeping their seat warm." -Head Chancellor Romanxi L'Erro of the galactic council, head ambassador of the 29 collective species of Humanity.
Aliens: We will attack the humans! Humans: You think warfare is your ally? You merely adopted warfare. I was born in it, molded by it. I haven’t seen peace till I was modern.
Humans generally: We are one, united into a single being, Praise Humanity! Humans when their alien friends get harm: *Do You Like Ethnic Cleansing? Would You Like To?*
The second story gives me a mental image of a human child holding the throat and brain of Cl'mir'ni soldiers like "Daddy! Daddy! Look what I got today!"
Humanity is like a non-newtonian fluid; when free, it flows wherever and generally makes a mess of things. Give it some pressure and watch it solidify...
solid comparison
Damn that's accurate
So Basically Ketchup
human factions only stop killing each other to kill a BIGGER faction.
@@aesthetics8230 I dont know what kinda ketchup you've been drinking but I reccomend stopping
Alien race decides to be adopt humanity.
Seperate alien race decides to bully humanity's adoptive parents.
Humanity as a whole: *SO YOU HAVE CHOSEN EXTERMINATUS.*
God have mercy on your souls.
We won't.
CLEANSE PURGE KILL, CLEANSE PURGE KILL, CLEANSE PURGE KILL, CLEANSE PURGE KILL, CLEANSE PURGE KILL, CLEANSE PURGE KILL, WE ARE HUMANITY FINEST
RIP AND TEAR!
Considering humans where do much technology and they are our neighbors and only trade partners it makes sense we would defend them
**eyes proceed to glow red**
*welcome to Florida BlTCH*
First rule when fighting humanity: no one gets to kick our ass except us
our foot swings both ways
@@AgroSquerril simultaneously
Humans kill Humans and we like it that way! We simply cannot have it any other way, that would send the wrong message.
First rule: Don't!
@@huntercj424 LOL. Nice. 🤣
"feeling pretty cute.. might fight a war or two to help out our friend"
"Feeling cute, might delete the attackers later, idk."
"feeling cute, might sent a xenos a shot txt msg"
@@emeralddragon2980 yea the fact they sent a single ship, wich proceeded to absolutely book it out of there, means we all know they left a nice little present there.
i am assuming from the fact that it ends at the warning to surrender, wich was already ignored once, that said agressor race has been thoroughly deleted, the only possibly remaining specimen, assuming they look alien enough, to be found in human Zoos
"Feeling cute, might completely eradicate an entire solar system later"
So, basically... Tasmanian Devils.
Little black balls of fuzz, until the fighting starts, then the mouth opens and bites down with enough force to crush bone.
Humans when their Bros are good: I sleep
Humans when their Bros are gonna be wiped out : *doomslayer noises intensifies*
sounds about right
"Alright, time to save our allies and show WHY you don't fuck with Humanity nor it's allies!"
We're like the family guard dog. Smiles and wags and pets and playing. Doggy smiles and playful arguments over couch ownership.
And then the psycho breaks in to kill our family, and suddenly we're teeth and snarling and going for the throat and hamstrings because THESE ARE OUR PACK AND YOU WILL NOT FUCKING TOUCH THEM.
And then the intruder is dead and we're right back to wags and pets and a slightly red-muzzled doggy smile, and only that redness remains to show the fanged primal viciousness that is belied by our friendliness and affection, and only directed towards those that mean our people harm.
See, I got the "Run" meme going in my head, personally.
@@boxtank5288 Just spreading freedom and democracy throughout the Galaxy
when country A takes over country B:
Welp, guess country B should have thought that out better
When starslime takes over territory B.
Territory A: "They took B's woman and children, raped and murdered them, and drained every single resource leaving only DEATH!"
Territory C: "Did they really do that?"
Territory A: "Nooo, BUT ARE WE WAITING UNTIL THEY DO!?"
*agreeing human noises*
*OOGA BOOGA AGREING NOISES*
WAAAAAGH!
@@introvertedasheck The idea of millions humans all shouting “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” is incredibly terrifying for some reason.
We really are Space Orcs (Orks) aren’t we?
@@TheAKgunner welp they wantedspace orks, now they get the WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
@@spacewolfblackmane19 Whether they wanted it or not.
love that we are cute until we suddenly aren't.
Aliens are space elephants
EnEMIeS of HuMANitY You HaVE cOME HERe To DIE. The IMMorTaL EmpEroR is WitH Us and wE aRe InVINciblE. His SolDiErs WilL sMitE yoU dOWn, HiS waR MaChINes wILL crUsH yoU unDeR thEiR trAcKS. HiS GunS wiLl briNg the VerY sKiEs crAshIng dOWn on YOu. PrEpaRe yourSelVEs, FoR yOu CannOt WiN.
Honestly i Can see this as a sci fi book title that is writen as a "Guide" about humanity
There's more than a few novels where our species is unique in that we're functionally insane and basically have the rationale of Lovecraftian nightmares compared to what the norm is for the rest of the universe.
@@MrDiesel237 do you have any examples?
There is a common human phrase that the Kor should have paid more attention to; "The enemy of my enemy is my friend"
true
"Hey they are beating the smallest of us with overwealming force!!! Get'em!!!!"
Probably seemed really innocuous to them at the time. I feel like most races wouldn't bother studying the history of a war-like race in that universe, as they'd probably expect to see the same song and dance.
or a more recent one: "fuck around and find out"
Ey! Did you just attack those? They are the arch enemy of my great great grandfather, whom I despised and whose already dead! If anyone attacks them, it is me!
Nah' ive: Aww the human on board is adorable, what's his name?
Seas'nd: That's Frank. He's deaf on his left side so try not to frighten him by approaching him from the left.
Nah'ive: Oh no. Was it an accident?
Seas'nd: It's an old injury. When our world attacked he and his crew eradicated 13 war ships before our invaders headed the warning to surrender.
Nah'ive:.......
The joke is, Frank drove a freighter.
I see what you did with the names
he got permanently def in that ear by manually firing a hull mounter artillery piece on an orbital station,
repeatedly
Seasoned Knife?
Edit: forgot to add a letter.
@@thearnorianruby4681 my bet it was Seasoned and Naive
We're a chaotic bunch but give us a reason for all factions to target and you'll learn why our space is left alone.
They did try to warn them....
Someone attributed us to a bunch of wolves fighting over a kill, but that one wolf comes in and is subsequently slaughtered by the others working together
@@Franktanker0 fairly accurate. it's our kill, we can rip each other apart over it but encroach on us and end up a blood puddle.
In the 2nd story I imagined the sudden turning of 50 billion human heads directly at where the Kor just invaded, snap, (Humans) "Did they just attack the little Colchester Conglomerate mines?" Jaws music begins.
"you think you're being cute!?"
"bitch I'm adorable"
lol
Humans having a battle royale when suddenly a wild alien joins in.
Faction 1: "Do we know these guys?"
F2: "I don't think so."
F7: "Do we have any treaties with them?"
F15: "Nope"
F23: "Bring out the nasty weapons ! The ones we banned in the past 500 years! Time to see some fireworks!"
F9: i have a group of bored engineers who wants to add new things to Geneva. who is with me?
@@wrigthtalekenavi2066F50: yo dude we nearly got voltron ready co e on
These two completely different alien races learned a very dangerous lessen. When humans are given a reason to kill, not dominate, kill, there is nothing you can do but ask your god why it hath forsaken you.
Close but not quite true... The only thing you can do is watch as your god is squashed like a bug before your eyes and then see the thing that killed your god turn in your direction.
@@donanthebarbarian5177 That is an even better image.
@@shadowofhawk55 So Eldar to Slaneash
And the Man Emperor of Mankind to anything?
@@ryantomer4126 Pretty much
Humanity when fighting amongst themselves/their allies are not under attack: (Silence)
Humanity when outside forces attack/their allies ARE under attack: Haka Scene from the show "See"
As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city states, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta looked relatively weak and without walls. Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying “If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.” The Spartans replied with one word - IF
That's the second message. The first message was "When I come to Sparta, should I come as friend or foe?", to which the response was, "Neither".
yeahhhhhh, the only reason we fight amongst ourselves is because we have no one else who is bothering us
Aliens: Adopt humanity
Humans: Hell yeah!
friendly aliens: *Get attacked*
Humanity: И̸̜͖̜̣̫̼̦͐̇̎̃̅̚͠O̷̙̭̩͔̻̊̀̊̈́͋̕͜͜͝
Human: Look LOOK, I made ~cool thing~!
Alien: Huh? Oh, yes, well done. Erm, what does it do?
Human: It's COOL THING!.
Alien: Ok, try not to hurt yourself you loveable scamps.
Alien2: Give loot, or else (or else will hap[pen regardless)
Human: BONK!, hey, I figured out a use for Cool thing, also here's Cool think Mk2 though 20, i'm going outside to play now. Sounds of screaming, tears, explosions and mayhem ensue.
Alien: WTF just happened?
Maybe the eldritch abominations were the humans we befriended along the way
“Amazing problem solving skills” = “so, you’ve a chosen death…”
Humans: Friendly Predator missiles
I can imagine the Humans in the 2nd story going back to the Friendly Xenos and being like: Did I do a Good Job? Now gimme headpats.
I like to imagine that Japanese has become humanity's universal language and that after that incident the Japanese word for "run" has become the biggest intergalactic linguistic taboo.
Moral of the stories: Don't f*ck with humans, only humans dare f*ck with humans.
And if you dare f*ck with a human, or a friend of a human, prepare to get your right to be on this plane of existance revoked, because that's one easy way to turn your difficulty from Very Easy, to Nightmarish Hellbent Apocalypse.
From "Violence is not the answer" cute to "Violence is a question, and the answer is YES" not cute.
This was my first hey story I ever read
2:31,
Give us a common enemy and well fight THEM.
Humanity : Kills each other all the time.
Alien: Can i also kill some of you ?
Humanity: ....so you choose death ? ....
They failed to head the warning a second time and boom an entire galaxy vanished in moments.
The “Surrender” from story two is equivalent to the old saying “fuck around and find out”
really need to change the tone and change from a plea to a threat behind the words "Run!" and "Surrender!". They need to a be completely different guttural rumbling growl.
But these stories are awesome keep up the amazing work!
lol 'RUN'.
Humans be like "we fired our guns and the British (enemies) kept a coming. There wasn't as many as there was a while ago we fired once more and they began a running down the Mississippi to the gulf of Mexico"
We are also EXTREMELY territorial.
We could come one day, say that an island is ours, and leave it to never come back.
Then, if 100 years in the future, some other country goes to the island and says they own it...
Now that's enough of a reason to start a war XD.
My country did it, and the opponent was far bigger and powerful than us.
We were trampled, obviously, but a lot of people still say that the island is ours XD.
Falkland islands i suppose?
@@killbotter6998 Correct XD.
Though my country prefers to call them Malvinas, and still acts as if they are ours, even if we had our ass handled to us by their legitimate owners XD.
To them we're like the rabbit from Monty Python lol
The Imperium if it actually allied with Xenos and got along with them
Aliens: Attack human allies
Humans: Oh great, we've been looking for a valid reason to test out all this cool new shit we built.
LMAO
if this doesn’t describe humanity in one sentence, I don’t know what does.
Isn't that part of the reason WW1 happened?
They gave us a toy car, we turned it into a remote controlled car because turning it into a bomb would have been rude. But when someone hurts the people who gave us toys, we turned those toys into bombs, because not doing so would have been rude.
@@choboibigly6565 Pretty much.
Military Dudes wanted to test out their new toys.
@@cgi2002 Humanity: Turns toy car into nuke
Aliens: y u do dat
Humanity: Its a mystery tool for later
Kor: How could you have beaten us? The calculations said that it was impossible!
Humans: You couldn't possibly know what we would do if _we_ didn't know what we'd do.
"We, as a species, are notoriously bad at math."
@@olinseats4003 "the risks we took were calulated, but man are we bad at math."
@@olinseats4003 Correction: "We are terrible at math, unless it kills or blows something up!"
@@RallasterAsuremen I agree with this as it is especially true in warrammer... And as a Krieger numbers become part of evey day life
Kor: the odds of you beating us insanely small.
Humanity: never tell me the odds
When you come across a group of angry, combative predators squabbling over a fresh kill, trying to take a piece is not a recipe for a long and healthy life.
Especially when the predators see you as "outsider".
@@CameronSMoore
It's a terrible idea since you are not one of them and you are a threat. Also there's more bounty to go around once they get kill.
That sums it up.
Bottom line.
It IS a way to get added to the menu though.
Did the humans literally take a ship to the enemy’s home planet and retreat just to flex on them?
Fucking brilliant.
never underestimate the power of flexing
tbh, i fully expect the humans left some sort of singularity or nanite bomb and gave them one last chance before wiping a few square lightyears from existence
@@justinconnelly5011 they blew up half the galaxy the aliens were from and then said dont f with our family. theres a tiny bit more after demanding surrender..... also a pet doggo XD
@@justinconnelly5011 black hole+mirrors = *fricking supernova*
@@fordprefect1587 a Supernova may be the biggest boom we can think of but it is fucking weak just exterminatus is faster
Aline:Aw isn't the little human cute?
2 days latter after getting the high holy hell shoot out of them.
Human:Bitch I'm adorable.
lol
Love it
Adorable Dorn
@@theadeptuscustodes One would even say Rogal is aDORNable
@@theadeptuscustodes He is fortifying this position.
"Hey, don't hit my brother!"
but you hit him all the time?
"THAT'S DIFFERENT!!!"
One species of alien finds us cute as puppies and adopts us
Another species tries to hurt our new friends, the puppies turn out to actually be giant Dire Wolves.
with guns
@@AgroSquerril and Planet-glassing technology
Winter has come.
More like honey badgers. They look cute and are pretty damn small. Yet they've been seen attacking lions... And WINNING...
@@vixshire3672 don’t forget nukes I’m 90% sure we’d have planetary nukes
The fact humanity just HAS a galaxy buster and no other species realized it until they deployed it as a deterrent. Gotta love space orcs
@Lurking Carrier I like to think of it as a simpler warning. We sent 1 ship to slowly trundle into the middle of their territory, killing anything sent to engage it, never even slowing down. Proving they couldn't out fight us. Then it left faster than they could even track it. Proving they couldn't out run us. If you can't win the fight, and you can't run away, and we proved all that with 1 ship, imagine what we could do with 10, 100, or 1000, we highly recommend you listen this time.
@@cgi2002 get flexed on
@@cgi2002 Pretty much what the US did to japan in the 1850.
Sent a few ships on the coast of Japan just to flex on them and make them realize how much they were outmatch, forcing the diplomatic demands they had back them. Also triggered their industrial revolution and got a nasty surprise a century latter, but that's humans for you.
@Lurking Carrier No for some reason the story was cut short.
The version on reddit ends with them destroying half the galaxy. Then the friendly aliens realise that humans think dogs are cute. And that they themselves look alot like the humans dogs.
And humanity sends a call across the entire universe not to mess with their buddies again.
WARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Humanity: Busy killing each other and just casually being an apex predator.
Aliens: Hmm yes let us attack while they’re distracted.
All of Humanity: U fOq’N WaT mAtE!
*Aliens get stomped*
Rest of Galactic Civilization
_Rolls up Window_
Aliens: OH JESUS CHRIST HELP! THEY ARE KILLING US ALL!
Rest of Galactic Civilization: *Has radio turned up to max volume, listening to Machinegun Kiss*
@@boxtank5288 Only issue I have with that is we aren't even close to being apex predators, which I honestly think should scare "aliens" more. I haven't heard of a Space Orc story revolving around that point yet. Out of a 1-5 on the Apex scale, we are a 2.2. Yet we still kick the pants off of any actual apex predator with tools, clan bonding and preparation (basically we are Apex Batmen). Everything else was solid tho XD.
We are winning because we have the numbers and are violent
@@135Fenrir I have something for you along that subject.
www.wattpad.com/872779250-empyrean-iris-story-collection-humans-are-space
It actually often focusses on that, one of the aliens in particular is horrified to learn about the actual apex predators that humans kiss and cuddle and let sleep in their beds.
@@Byvenic sweet, thanks
"The inefficiency of the humans would have been seen as an insult..."
Basically whenever I do anything with my mom
lol
Sweet home Alabama
No
you know considering that race interacts with children ALOT relatively sure there would be alot of kids that took them as surrogate mothers. i mean best analogy i can think of is someone kicking you, and your 500 pound Tibetan Mastiff seeing it... the first howl is telling you to run, the first bite is telling you to give up, pray they dont bite a second time....
Oof
@@lordtabs oof is an understatement!
Quark : Let me tell you something about Hew-mons, Nephew. They're a wonderful, friendly people, as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people... will become as nasty and as violent as the most bloodthirsty Klingon.
Worse in some way imo
I think this is my favorite Star Trek quote
@@briannamurray8092 I prefer londo molari quote on humans
@@ettibbet5493 Watch out for the quiet ones?
@@wrathshorts2894 The humans, I think, knew they were doomed. But where another race would surrender to despair, the humans fought back with even greater strength. They made the Minbari fight for every inch of space. In my life, I have never seen anything like it. They would weep, They would pray, They would say goodbye to their loved ones, then throw themselves without fear or hesitation into the very face of death itself, never surrendering. No one who saw them fighting against the inevitable, could help but be moved to tears by their courage, their stubborn nobility. When they ran out of ships they used guns. When they ran out of guns they used knives and sticks, and bare hands. They were magnificent. I only hope that when it is my time, I may die with half as much dignity as I saw in their eyes in the end. They did this for two years. They never ran out of courage. But in the end, they ran out of time.
I liken humanity to a dysfunctional family. We can fight amongst ourselves as much as we like but if an outsider tries to butt in, we will unite against the hapless offender with such tremendous force that they won’t know what hit them.
I am your 100th like.
meow
Alright Humanity, gimme a 'Whoa Bundy'
@@johnjohnjohnson7720 nya comrade
Dam straight no one picks on my little brother but me.
"They left a single brodcast... "Surender"
The response never came. The few snipits of information we managed to collect, before *it* hapened, was a second wawe of ships emerging from the planets, readying for a second assault, and dozens of blimps, indicating human ships poping out of FTL all around the enemy worlds, all across their territory, just for a split second, only to jump again, what folowed afterwards... was an explosion. A chain reaction of explosions, that cracked the planets, burst the stars and made the sky of the enemy territories turn black. No habitable planet, no mining station, no ship or survivor left. The entire galactic nation, wiped out, in an instant. That. That is the power of Humans. That is the ferocity of the cute litle ones. That is the rage they bring upon those, who unrightfully take whats dear to them. Humans are cute.... untill they are not"
Ah, the director’s cut. At least, it will be in my mind.
Serial killer breaks into your house only to be savagely murdered by you 3 year old daughter and her teddy bear.
Beautifully EPIC. This is essentially what I had figured was the real end of the second story.
The ending we needed
Naive alien: "Aww, look at the human. It's so smol and cute!"
Aliens who have seen a human in action: *hollow, dreadful, vacant eyes* "You will learn."
If they are new aliens to the Council from the above story; a council member quietly approaches them. "Ah yes you are the newest FTL race to join the council, welcome.", "Have you heard of The Kor?", "No, let me tell you a story....."
@@Thurgosh_OG "Have you heard of The Kor?" "No." "Exactly."
Mean while Most Powerful race in the unverse is disguised as house cats..
First story :
Yeah the part where they fucked up was when they thought we would role over for them. The minute they attacked one group of humans, even if they were the most hated, the rest of humanity immediately said as one, "Bitch no you didn't!" Immediately followed by, "Ok. I got you."
Second story:
You never touch a humans friend. It's the quickest way to find out how short your life can be.
Basically, the first story is summed up as “It’s okay to hate your siblings, but no outsider can lay a finger on them!”
"They're our family. It's our job to beat them up, not yours."
Well . . . if the group of humans was the most hated by other humans, it's possible the others will decide 'Okay. All things considered, the aliens had good cause. Okay." But if those aliens then attack other humans, it's 'The first lot, okay. Couldn't really argue those humans were worth fighting for. But now, it's Elmer Season!"
The first story is the epitome of "You mess with one bean, you mess with the whole God Dam Burrito!"
The fact that said aliens had an obsession with efficiency that humans would interpret as unfeeling corporatism might have helped a bit...
Never interrupt humanity never give us a target never unite us against you because when we come together we can turn mountains into dust
Yes
And for god sake don't try to bully our friends let alone try to kill them. Very bad things will happen to you, with no regrets or mercy.
in short, mess with one of us, mess with the whole trailer park.
A single human cleaved a mountain in half on his own. uniting more than 7 billion humans would do nothing but condemn yourself to death.
"HEY! Only we can kill each other, you aren't allowed!"
Sounds about right. We would unite against a common enemy, especially if it's from another species. And you don't mess with our teachers.
yarp
Especially when said teachers like us!
The one thing to unite humanity: collective hate on another people.
@@csmrookie9600 This is why alien contact hasn't been "officially" made.
Now i am not a fan of the Leadership of North Korea, But if an Alien ship just comes by and drive-by NK With alien Nukes, you can bet on me i'll go "HEY!!! THAT WAS MY JOB YOU FUCKING HOMEWRECKING XENO SLUDGE SPACE SNAIL FUCKS!!!!" And band with the nearest coalition forming in defense of Mankind, Mess with one, You're messing with a whole species.
In short: none of us are as cruel as all of us. Look at all the horrors we visit on other humans. Think of what we will do to another species not even of Terran linkage that decides to try pushing us around.
*Imperium of man noises intensify.*
Death to xenos, all hail the god emperor of mankind
@@ismaeljimenez6562 for the war hawk..for jaghatai..
The emperor protects.
FOR CADIA!!!
THE PLANET BROKE BEFORE THE GUARD DID!!!
@@kaijukoopa1248 VULKAN LIVES
aliens: *be bros to humans*
humans: cool.
other aliens: *attack the bro aliens*
humans: RIP AND TEAR THIRE BONES AND BLOOD!
you should have said "Rip and Tear until it is done!"
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!
Fun Fact 1: If you find yourself in the midst of a baboon troop, no matter what happens, DON'T SCARE THE BABIES.
Fun Fact 2: If your species finds itself in contact with another race that has befriended humans, DON'T MAKE THE HUMANS ANGRY.
The messages in that last story are very Spartan.
They had a thing of sending a message in as few words as possible.
Some of my favourites:
*Persians* "we want earth and water as a sign of submission"
*Spartans* "then you shall have it" has messenger thrown down the well (what this is sparta is based on)
*Philip of Macedonia* "if we take Sparta we will burn it to the ground"
*Spartans* "If"
*Athenian women* "how do you have such authority over your men?"
*Spartan women* "only spartan women give birth to men"
I'm paraphrasing but yeah
I prefer the precursor to the Phillip quote.
Phillip: would you prefer if I came as friend or foe?
Spartans: neither
Story #1 - "I was IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING."
Story #2 - "See, I was content with just vibin' until you fucked with our Ohana."
THEY FAILED THE VIBE CHECK
Alien invader: We have an empire.
Humans alien bros: we have humans.
alien invader: ahaha, what will those humies will do? wait, why do i hear a Boss Music?
Humanity: *Summoned an entire rock band, 'playing At the Hell's Gate' RIP AND TEAR UNTIL THE DEED'S DONE
Aliens: BUT THE CALCULATIONS!
Humans: calculate THESE 🥜🥜
lol
Humans: Never tell me the odds!! aaahhhhhh!!!
@@sirpieman300 the aliens be like:
Damn the risk is calculated but i am really bad at math.
It reminds me of a old US army commander that was surrounded by Germans. The Germans told them surrender, and the commander gave one word in reply. "Nuts!" Even our allies had to be explained what that one meant.
Humans: numbers are just that numbers, and eventually they all look the same.
ah the alien mindset "how can humans be a threat to anyone else, they constantly fight themselves."
makes vaguely threatening gesture at human outcast faction
humanity: "*chuckles* you're in danger."
Human infighting weakens them in the moment, but it gives humans long-term strength. It gives humans *practice.*
Humans have a lot of practice when it comes to war.
@@damonminnix4660 True that
@@damonminnix4660 Ain't that the truth. America is a prime example of this. In all of it's history it has had like 16 years of actual Peace. Constantly fighting somewhere or other.
No one... Literaly no one.
Humans when a friend alien race is been attacked by a evil alien race: hey Noob, want a bit of Black Rage?
It's frosted with human hatred!!!
HORUS!
Humans: Shame *Deploys Collosus*
Bring me the megazord or voltron
I imagine the humans see the race that finds us cute as cute themselves.
Imagine a twelve foot tall, weak as wet spaghetti alien cooing over you.
Adorkable.
Now imagine some jackass pushes them down.
*pulls out lazgun with bayonet*
MURDER!
Beats mean alien to death with plastic lunch tray and offers a bloody hand and a smile to help the cute, terrified, 12 foot alien get back up.
@@njnjco In another, somehow less frakked up 40kk future: Me a kreigsmen :This is my alien! There are many like it, but this one is *MINE*
*points at all in vicinity*
*YOU DONT FUCK WITH IT, AND IF YOU DO, I'LL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD, CRAP DOWN YOUR NECK, THEN PISS IN YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD*
Turns to alien, who is looking at me bug eyed: Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?! Do you need help walking?!? Please tell are you okay?!
*APE SHIT NOISES INTESIFYS*
It's like every alien is like: "Oh look at that lemur playing in the mud with rocks! I'mma poke him with a stick and take away his rocks!"
[Poke]
[Human's eye glows red] [Death metal plays]
"Why do I hear boss music?"
rip and tear
*WHY TAKE STICK?*
*Contemplates*
*I TAKE LIVES AS REPLACEMENT*
*Starts to fucking murdering those that took stick*
**Latin chanting intensifies**
Humanity is a family, we'll beat each other up all day long but when someone else comes in and starts beating on our siblings... you're doomed.
true
Any aliens that think it is cool to mess with our moms or pets or close friends had best run.
you against your sibling, you and your sibling against your cousin, the three of you against the world
They never seem to realize most of our tech advances are from adapting military tech for other uses. Humanity has a serious hard-on for warfare, always has. Give us a reason to stop using this against eachother and unite against a common external enemy, and even we dont know what were capable of.
You can't violate human rights if you're fighting xenos.
I like to think that in this universe Humans are outliners, normally an alien race will first create a technology to improve the quality of life of their civilians and then after quite some time they will find military aplications.
Humans do the exact oposite, first they create big ass weapon of mass destrcution and only after some time, that tech is used outside militar aplications.
Species like the Kor and Cl´Mir´Ni most likely had this process of tought, they belived that our weapons of war were not that advanced because of our civilian tech, so they were completely caught of gaurd when our ships had the ability to wipe out their military fleets on one shot.
@@pancake4061 Gosh that's so American of you.
Indeed. I thought of this earlier. "Humans may not be completely unified. However, all of that fighting amongst themselves has caused them to be quite adept at war. The tenacity that drove them to fling themselves at sub light speed towards a planet that they, nor their children, or their children's children had any hope of seeing; that has proved that if even a fraction of their species lives, they will never give in without a fight. The might of this race against those who would attack them, the rage that will never be forgotten due to that tenacity. That is why we are to Never attack them."
@@pancake4061 The holy Imperial Inquisition: Nods approvingly.
Alien: "How can you shoot women and children like that!"
Human: "Easy! Ya just don't lead em as much!"
(MACHINE GUN FIRE)
*Anakin Skywalker approves of this piece of advice*
But that's not lead ! It's Uranium !
@@chrisb9143 coated in magnesium
@@puppetmaster1420 Launched from magnetic acceleration weapon.
@@vrcommandoata5403 From space
Aliens: "Ha! Easy conquest!"
Humans: "YOU HURT OUR FRIENDS!"
Aliens: "Why do I hear boss music playing?"
Blue Oyster Cult: (Vengeance, The Pact)
"To defend
This is the pact
But when life's scorned
And damage done
To avenge
This is the pact"
Humans: "YOU HIT MY BROTHER, MY SISTER, MY COUSIN, ONLY I CAN DO THAT!!! NOT YOUU!!!"
First story: The best way to beat humans is to work a faction against another. The best way to get your head handed to you on a platter is give them a common enemy.
aliens: humans are so cute and childish let's adopt them
Aliens invade humanity apoted alien parents
Humanity: let's play a game called genocide.
We only been playing it for thousands of years
Humans: *waging war on each other*
Scumbag Xenos: *thinks this is a good time to attack a small outlier group*
Humans: *turn with eyes glowing red and begin marching forth screaming battle cries, letting slip our machines of war*
Two soldiers on opposite sides: bro truce we got someone else to fight
The full secomd story
It's very common for other races to find humans 'cute' as the adults are only half the size of even the shortest G'ling. They are small, normally smell alright and are always doing something bizarre and crazy. Much like children. So it was only natural when they joined the fold of the universe we took them in, much like children. We felt superior, as if we must guide and protect these humans, especially from themselves.
Our race in particular is very close to humans. We particularly thought of humans as adorable children, and many of our female kind take to becoming nursery teachers for them, as we find them ever so adorable. We actively try to make sure all ships have one as well, not only for their cuteness but their amazing problem solving skills. And humorous mistakes. Helps pass the boring voyages.
Humans were always watched where ever they went, and were surprisingly innovative in their designs and technology. It was much like handing a child a toy race car and coming back an hour later to find they had turned it into a remote control car. How you have no idea, but they look so happy that you can't bring to ask 'why did you do this?'. Well, we should have.
When the Cl'mir'ni came, and attacked our planet, we thought we were dead. A race so powerful and advanced, we expected to have no chance. Still we aided our alien friends to safety, and tried to hold them off. We pleaded for aid from the mighty Zu'mog'ha. Alas, they were fighting to protect their territories. We resigned ourselves to death, and prayed our people-the little that we could fit on the colony fleet-could run far enough to survive. Somehow in the chaos, the humans were alerted. They sent the enemy one single word. And only once.
-Run-
But the Aliens did not heed their warnings. And so the humans came. And within an hour the ships threatening us lay in wreckage and scraps. We watched a video stream, transmitted to the whole galaxy, as the humans wiped them from our home sectors. It would have been stunning but never terrifying if they had stopped there.
No, they didn't stop. They sent a single ship to their galaxy my friends. The ship went to the middle of its worlds. Then it booked it from the galaxy. Why? Were their armaments too hard to defeat? When it left they sent a single message to the enemy. Once again.
-Surrender-
The aliens doubted them, after all who can blame them? One ship enters and later flees? Well it wasn't fleeing we discovered. The camera feed switched to a box in the middle of space, with a planet in the far background, their home planet to be exact. I realized what the ships goal had been. It had dropped a black cube. It could be no taller than I, a being 2.5x bigger than the tallest human. But why?
The answer came in a moment. All feeds cut out and then there was silence. Next was an active star chart, one that actively mapped out the galaxy of the enemies. A humans voice sounded.
"Ah well, we only got half the galaxy. Well, it was the only half inhabited anyways. Ow! Sorry boss was that recorded?!" Next a stern man appeared, with another man running away behind him.
"A notice the the universe, you do not attack our family." He looked seriously at the screen. A four legged animal ran up to the mans feet, and I noticed it looked surprisingly like our race. But much smaller. Very much smaller. And it... Barks?
Its all fun and games until you harm the space fluffies humanity is fond of.
"Did you know that within 6 cycles of trading for food replicator tech, they've re-engineered it to make organic weapons?"
6 cycles? What kind of pacifist bullcrap is that? Man, we're slipping.
would have to go through bureaucracy first , so 6 is a speed record
@@AgroSquerril Now that you mention it. Yeah I guess that makes sense. |||oTL
I mean the Xeno found out after 6.... We had it in 3 because someone got bored
@@rodgemic Also depends on what you classify as a weapon. We had the squirt guns made in half a cycle.
@@ThePelican12 considering its "organic weapons", there are many ways to interpret "squirt guns"
#2 reminds me of the Spartans reply to a Macedonian emperors message
-emperor:"if i come to your land will it be friend or foe?"
-spartan king:"neither"
-emperor:"when i come to your land i will raise it to the ground!"
-spartan king:"if"
-emperor: *PROCEEDS TO NOT INVADE SPARTA*
With only one word we could terrify our enemies and if they attack then it's their fault when they become extinct
Not only did Emperor Philip II of Macedon not invade Laconia (Sparta's kingdom), his son, Alexander, better known as Alexander the Great, the guy whose conquering skills led to HUNDREDS of conquered cities renamed after him all the way to freakin' INDIA, did not invade Laconia either.
The King of Sparta's response successfully caused a GENERATIONAL conquerboner killing, the second of whom was one of the most conquerboner sportingest, empire-buildingest mofos to ever LIVE.
THAT is how badass that response was.
@@GuukanKitsune I also like how Alexander the Alexander had shown more respect to Dyogines than any of the other Athenian philosophers, even going as far to say "Were I not Alexander, I would Wish to be Dyogines."
@@henrypaleveda7760 Alexander the Pretty-Damn-Above-Average seemed to respect ballsiness above all else. And Diogenes certainly had those. XD
@@henrypaleveda7760 Dyogines responded "Were I not Dyogines, I would also wish to be Dyogines"
I feel the Gru 4 panel comic meme fits here.
Aliens: Step one, attack human allies. Step two, Ignore warning message from humans. Step three, Humans murder our entire race.
Aliens: *Looking confused at step 3*
Human in the background: loads shotgun with malicous intent
@@thegamingbluefiredragon428 shotgun not enough.
Squish with big rock, monky throw roc
@@thegamingbluefiredragon428 Wouldn't it just be as simple as smiling Human in background. "Hello."
@@Thurgosh_OG maybe, but the Shotgun being loaded tells the aliens everyone in the room is about to be reduced to (insert Alien blood colour) smears on the ground and walls.
When you threaten their space waifu mommys, the "hummiez" are going after you.
indeed
I laughed harder at this then I thought I would.
Wez gonna channel da WAAAAAGH energi ta krump sum gitz
@@burpoi I likes krumpin’ gitz!
@@wyvernharries4788
Same here! 🤣🤣🤣
"Felt cute,might scare the shit out of giant metal space squid gods l8r idk"
lol
-Run-
Like a demonic boom echoing from a cuddly kitten.
This made me giggle.
Ever seen Nicole Watterson? She's also a cat but she's got wells in her eyes to trap souls in.
"You have 8 seconds before i will find ammo for this railcannon."
I have a feeling we only fight ourselves to be kept busy and if we really, actually, unified politically we'd be a galactic menace. Eventually.
probably
That would require a essentially a one world order and no one wants that. Even if it means colonizing other stars
Practice makes perfect.
You're not wrong. I read a book on the subject that said in groups where there are no differences and no conflict, people will make up differences just to have conflict. Only the introduction of an external threat will unite them again.
3 cycles, we need to get our tuxedos out
Story 1, We only fight each other because we don't have anything else to fight. *PLEASE*, give us something to fight.
Story 2, We still cute, dropping an experimental WMD in the middle of enemy space is super cute
Defending ones friends is super adorable
Enemy alien *punches teacher*
Humans who love teacher
*So youve chosen death*
rip and tear
Friendly alien race: Get's attacked by hostile aliens.
Humanity: *Death Korps of Kreig march*
Humans are Cute… Until they’re not…
A classic example of someone adopting an adorable if odd looking pet.
Only to later learn (upon home invasion) that the adorable, clumsy, oddly intelligent bundle of floof you’ve invited into your home to stay can in fact, at the drop of a hat, transform into a towering shambling shapeless horror with more eyes and teeth and mouths than physically possible.
This you learn of course as it calmly and unobtrusively devours your enemies and leave their holdings in ruins.
Before once more returning to the adorable floof you’ve known all this time, once all has been consumed and retribution wrought.
humans when their alien bros get attacked: "im finna break this mans bones into dust"
yarp
Then we snort the bone dust and proceed to drive to their home planet, steal their girlfriend, Molotov their house, make fun of their mom,s Facebook minion memes, and force their entire civilization into an unconditional surrender
Humans are Space Orks. Cute, Adorable, Terrifying Space Orks.
that they are
Most definitely.
Orks in power armor with flamethrowers
WAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
I love the cute human story. "They sent one word and one word only 'RUN!' " like wow that's brilliant 👏 I loved it. And then warping in with one ship and sending the word "surrender" like damn nice double flex
It basically says we can march right to your living room and blow up your house and you won't be able to do anything but watch.
On “Humans are Cute…” I guess the humans took those aliens in as well as family. No one touches Familia.
I now want a story of aliens hurting alien friend of a Mexican family, like say Don alejo(seriously everyone should look this bad ass up)
@@ettibbet5493 looked his ass up, was not disappointed.
1st story: we are like a family that loves and hate each other yet we have each other's backs when things happen. 2nd story: we're like cats and dogs cute, adorable, and cuddly yet we have claws and teeth. Don't mess with those that we call ours.
Hegemonic Councel: It is easier to divide by 0 than to defeat angry humans.
Councilor Jorik of Kor: What is this nonsense, you cannot divide by 0.
Hegemonic Councel: Exactly.
They hurt the sweet alien lady that sung to the crayon eating grunts as children ...... Yeah you're an endangered species now.
Marines dont like it when you mess with their friends.
First story: We're allowed to pick and bully on our own. No one else is.
Second story: don't frack with what we see as ours.
Humans are cute.... like cats or dogs that can kill one of the giant birds
depending on the human, both.
“We’re just numbers 99, just numbers.”
“Not to me, to me you’ve always had a name, Hevy.”
RIP 99. You brave, beautiful clone.
Bit like the first contact war in mass effect 😂
turians destroy 3 human ships.
Humans destroy those ships.
Turians *invades planet and conquers it in a week. Also turians "I think we got them all".
*Humans sending in am entire fleet "PARRY THIS YOU FUCKING CASUAL"
@Lurking Carrier yeah, but iirc Mordin points out that humans are too diverse to be predictable on a genetic level in his loyalty mission. The turians could've pushed all the way to earth, but that would've just made us fight harder and smarter.
On a game point of view, Shepard would've been born a few decades later and they would've been stopped or outright conquered.
In a lore point of view, the turians rely on the Salarians for military intelligence and the asari for diplomacy while humans are self sufficient in all categories. We would win in the long run, as the Turians don't have the ferocity of the Krogan. They wouldn't wipe us out, but rather try and make a vassal race of us like the volus, and we all know how humanity takes to long term servitude as a collective.
@@roberthighsmith3192 Seems humanity is an ant colony.
This always reminds me of a quote from Doctor Who:
Demons run, when a good man goes to war.
Night will fall and drown the sun when a good man goes to war.
Friendship dies and true love lies. Night will fall and the dark will rise when a good man goes to war.
To paraphrase my favorite scene from that episode "Good men don't need rules; today is NOT the day to find out why we have the geneva convention".
is it bad that I'm amused by the fact that we're so damn good and terrifying at war, that we actually have to have rules AGAINST doing some stuff. The scary/funny thing is that I can totally see some alien civ looking through our history and going "Yeah, no. You can't do that, that, that, THAT, certainly not that, that one's RIGHT OUT, and just fuck no!"
Alien:the humans are weak exterminate allies then them
Humans:ya know now i get to test out the atomizer 9000
Or when Edward, the Hammer of the Scots, invaded Scotland (almost obviously), Stirling Castle surrendered. Surrender refused, because he had just bought a new siege engine, and wanted to test it. After a couple of days, the survivors tried to surrender again, and were refused again. After a week, Stirling was totally wrecked, and Edward was happy with his new purchase.
@@Egilhelmson gotta love the warwolf
"You ask me if the humans are so advanced, so powerful, and so gifted in the art of war and politics, why they do not sit at the head of the council? it is because they are not unified. Yes, Humanity itself has several other civilizations working with them in their collective, many of them former foes who they have shown mercy to. others have come willingly in an attempt to seek protection from much more powerful races, many of those have retracted entire fleets from warspace when their surrender to humanity was announced... however, terrans themselves, are not unified. they squabble and war amongst themselves in petty disagreements between nations on their homeworld, constantly fighting one another and learning from fighting themselves... they were once offered that position, but they declined it, as to not cause chaos by having species side with different sides of their internal conflicts. however, they have shown an interest in the position once they unify, however long that takes them... "
"You want to know why i sit at the head of this council, and not the terrans?...simple.... i'm keeping their seat warm."
-Head Chancellor Romanxi L'Erro of the galactic council, head ambassador of the 29 collective species of Humanity.
Aliens: We will attack the humans!
Humans: You think warfare is your ally? You merely adopted warfare. I was born in it, molded by it. I haven’t seen peace till I was modern.
I am the darness , I AM the Night!
Humans generally: We are one, united into a single being, Praise Humanity!
Humans when their alien friends get harm: *Do You Like Ethnic Cleansing? Would You Like To?*
The second story gives me a mental image of a human child holding the throat and brain of Cl'mir'ni soldiers like "Daddy! Daddy! Look what I got today!"
The alien:... That's great son *internally screaming*
I imagine the adoptive aliens taking in humanity kinda like a cat, but instead of bringing a mouse in we bring in a whole ass bear.
@@BloodoftheStarMoon cat assassin.
humans build a nuke father look what I have created
humans build a nuke. humans: father look what I have created.