Thanks to Sadia & Matthew for sharing their wisdom with us! Leave a “YES” if you enjoyed this and share the biggest moment for you. And make sure to subscribe to never miss out on inspiring content like this again RUclips.com/lewishowes
How come you only ❤ed comments that view S. favorably and not Matthew? It would’ve been nice if we had a chance to hear from M why and how he thinks cheating starts. We never actually got to that, tho you said we would at the start.
Lewis I loved this trio! It has given me so much to think about! Many great points made. I agree that self love, compassion, and respect are important. We need to have them both back for more!
Excellent podcast on relationships. Best I’ve seen. I am over 70, graduate of Harvard, have taught college courses, and I would say to both of you that yes, self love is highly important for growth, etc., as is self respect for setting boundaries and definition. However, the most important trait that will save all individuals from pain and destruction is SELF DISCIPLINE. Why? Because self discipline is mindless and simply puts the body on automatic pilot to push it through all challenges to keep moving forward in a positive direction. So you are both wrong.
Yes. Sadia makes really good points.. and I'm almost on board with her.. however.. if I needed strength, to learn myself and an open mindset..and to live.. whole heartedly Mathew is a thousand times higher.. I was young and nieve' was it my fault.. no..I didn't have good teachings and I had "compress" what I needed. From my past. I also was the wife who got cancer.. luckily my husband showed up. I was the one who had a heck of a time having hard conversations.. I'd try..I'd try hard.. only when I started learning how to have them Thank you to Mathew.. I know see it wasn't me. I tired many times to have them.. he won't.. he is closed off.. but Matthew Hussey.. gave me a back story.. actually what I like to say is he gave me my story back. And I do think it's very nieve' to say state things in Sadia's way.. there is responsibility and theirs owner so..but until theirs compassion and forgiveness with in themselves..I think it would sink the person down into a deeper depression.. I choose Mathew Hussey.. I choose life.. strength, resilience. I like your bold ways and your ownership Sadia.. but Mathew gets me
Its still misleading to say though, because this implies that all humans have the ability to see the truth in people. And in my personal experience as someone who is single for most of the life, who has been accredited the ability to see the truth in people by many in my environment, almost nobody else sees the truth for what it is. It is always some kind of personalised interpretation. Yes, I'd argue 90% sees a fraction of the whole, and then believe they see it fully. Dunning-kruger effect its called. No, its not our responsibility to see the truth of them.. Not at all.. that still doesn't solve anything. Just seeing a truth will make you judgemental and assuming. Its our responsibility to hold others accountable for the things they say is true. Have them put money where their mouth is. If they're not willing, they're without a doubt hiding something. Usually just trauma though substantiated by incompetence and wrong circumstance. And that's hard. But its the main reason why we cannot see the whole truth of others. Ergo, our main responsibility is to become a person worth believing/listening to despite the risks.
She's incredibly naive and not at all fair-minded or realistic about human relationships. Her approach is very immature. Victim-blaming is cruel an stupid.
Hi Matthew, I’ve always been a fan of yours. I’ve found your work to be very in-depth, and you’re not afraid to share your own short comings as examples..such as when your wife called you out for your words not aligning with your actions. However I feel in this debate, you may have to look at why did you interrupted Sadia multiple times? From my point of view, you have already made up your mind about her and was not able to receive and reflected on what she had to say. As a female, I’ve felt Sadia was being shut down by you multiple times, instead of being honoured and listened to. I hope my best intentions will not come off the wrong way. All the best to you.💛
@@thematthewhussey I appreciate your work even more after this interview! The world is quick to place blame, and not that accepting and empathetic in understanding the struggles! Thank you for being the voice of a lot of people who suffered unimaginable pain
What I would love after listening to this very interesting conversation is to put Sadia and Dr. Ramani together for a conversation. That's all I want to say
Every single time a relationship ended badly, including 2 with narcissists, I saw the signs in the first two weeks of dating them. I am 100% responsible for my choice to overlook those things in exchange for the high of early dating. I treated myself compassionately in the aftermath, but only because I took responsibility first and, therefore, am not a victim. Also, I can't be in 100% acceptance of myself prior to taking responsibility for it in the form of actions that build my self respect.
I think Sadia's position on self-accountability is so important and brave. I got divorced last year and had to take stock of my part of the breakdown. Yes, there were signs of core-level incompatibility at the beginning, which i ignored. If i don't acknowledge that i was willfully ignorant at that time, I will keep making the same mistake. I see so many people who blame the world and therefore just keep circling the drain in a neverending doom loop I think Matthew was mostly speaking from his own personal wounds, not from an objective view of social good.
I totally agree! I think that Matthew was coming from more personal experience...overall if you have self-respect, you make the decisions and maintain the boundaries that will prevent a lot of the poor decisions that lead to the consequences that hurt us and cause us to need self compassion in the first place.
have this be a regular thing Lewis!!! a few experts together is SO MUCH better than one expert. because they challenge each other's point of views, which then makes the other person work harder to prove their point, which then allows for actual insight and excellence.
Agreed!!! However what Matthew is suggesting about self respect, is not always possible for most that have mental health issues. It’s mot always possible to expect natural behavior in an unnatural environment.
this interview started off HEATED! Matthew appeared visibly bothered. Sadia seemed very composed and confident in her stance. Great exchange. Great value from both sides. We need to see more of this.
Thank you Sadia for stressing the importance on taking accountability in relationship dynamics. We are never simply just one or another, black or white, good or bad, victim or perpetrator. We are what we allow ourselves to become over time through the relationship dynamics in which we engage (keep engaging). Responsibility, awareness, and accountability are key. 🙏
As someone who cheated I don’t think it was my ex fault but my lack of empathy with a other human being feelings and also responsibility with my marriage vow.
Thank you mattew. For Stating the importance that we are not responsible for others malicious intent towards us.. however we are responsible to learn from it. When we are tricked and abused- the cure to the pain, shame and guilt, from what we allowed to take place. Is self compassion. That self compassion leads to deep understanding and then towards wisedom, wisdom leads to self respect. Even as infants we learn compassion before we are taught to respect. We cannot always know better beforehand but we can always do better once we understand and hold ourselves accountable for the future. .
Sadia is a real gem. Matthew’s body language is very revealing here. Just one look at his posture, his almost watery eyes, the redness on his face and overall attitude towards Sadia tells a lot.
What Matthew said about manipulators is very true. These discussions are good, but it's often way more nuanced and complex in real life. Sometimes you don't actually see signs until it's gone too far. Especially true if it's the first relationship with a manipulator, and if they are incredibly capable in their craft. The cracks in the mask might not crack before it's gone so far that it's become blatant abuse. Often it ramps up over time and gets worse as the abuse cycles continue.
The level of deception can be out of this world. I married a Covert Narcissist who could fool nearly anyone. I remember sitting in a room with him amongst a group of people, when it suddenly dawned on me that he just had to steal the spotlight in every conversation he had ever had. It wasn’t until I rejected the things he had always done for me that his mask completely fell off, almost like a magic trick. It was crazy. Everything was a means to an end for him, and nothing was done out of the goodness of his heart. Who knew that we practically need degrees in psychology in order to safely navigate the dating world of prey and predator.
@@photographyenthusiast9941 that's exactly it, the signs are always there but not everyone can recognize the signs. that's part of what she's saying , naive / sensitive people are who narcissistic people target because they know they're more likely to get away w it. this guy is not even listening to her he just wants to be right. and yes we totally do need a psych degree to navigate dating it's wild
@@locoluna. Standout signs are compliments soon after meeting, bragging in any capacity, victim stories...and being overly warm/friendly/open/helpful. They tend to get bothered if you decline their offers to help. Manipulators are most often the nicest people you have ever met...and that is the biggest red flag.
Exactly, some men take their wives for granted. They take care of them and their children, and when the kids become adults, they go spend their retirement years with another woman. So sad.
We cannot see the future buuut she has a point, there’s always a higher probability if a person shows some behaviors it will lead to something. What a smart woman!
Sure, but not everyone is good at reading other people, not everyone gets to choose their partner, and partners can change over the course of a lifetime. I know someone who was a loving partner until they had a brain haemorrhage and their personality completely changed for the worse. There is no way that their partner could've predicted that they would become abusive. Sara seems very immature and naive about relationships. She has found a way to make herself feel better about her choices and more secure in her relationship, but it's not very helpful in the long run.
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 she’s a professional psychiatrist. She has experience in her field. Calling her naive? LOL Your shouldn’t speak on things you know nothing about. Obviously an accident like that is rare, but it’s not common. You’re speaking on a one off situation.
I'm talking to a girl now, and I've already told her what I expect and that I'm kinky. I've also asked her to tell me whatever it takes to keep her happy and not to be afraid to tell me.
As a person coming out of an abusive relationship with many covert narcissistic tendencies involved, Sadia resonates deeply. It's high time to rebuild myself so this never happens again. I have an awesome therapist who provides a safe environment to explore why I let this go on for so long- when it was apparent in the first month.
As a person who has been in only one relationship for 16 years, I can say what Matthew is saying is not achievable without following what Saida is saying. In fact, first you need to learn to make wise choices to be able to be connected to your true self and have compassion for yourself. I know tons of people that make mistakes everyday and always blame others. They are good people but they need to learn taking responsibility for your own life is leading to a conscious and compassionate life
Same I only had a 1 handful of boyfriends (short terms) I was quick to say nope not for me...then I met him at 19 and was only in that relationship for 18 years of my life! So I can relate to u....😒 I don't know y I didn't keep the same energy like before and just said immediately nope not for me 🤦🏽♀️
Sadia = Realism Matthew = Idealism It's important to understand both, but we teach what Sadia says in our self-defense classes. Matthew's theories are the exception, not the rule. We want to believe what Matthew says is true, but in most cases, what Sadia is saying is what truly happens. So goes the saying, "It's not what happens to you... it's what you do about it that matters."
What really struck me was the lack of true actively listening on the part of each expert. At least 10% of any statement holds truth. But, certainly, spirited. The guardedness required of assessing every word or action as we show up in the world so as to "not be at fault," is terribly sad and limited in scope. Lessons have to be brought forward, and they don't exclude compassion and self-awareness. Assuming responsibility is part of the healing and learning process. In many ways, it all requires a grieving process to get to that clearing where you see yourself and others more clearly.
Not really though. Misleading reframe. You do not have to be accountable for someone else's actions. And having self compassion does not automatically imply a victim mindset.
Yeah Matthew thinks we should have compassion for ourselves and accept our flaws Sadia says we should not accept them we should change them. She is right he is wrong.
@@Flupflopit’s being accountable on observing how the relationship is really going (with signs, with actions) not how someone dreams it to be or the potential of it all
@@godivainc4593 you probably meant that to sound profound, but it doesn't. If in fact we are not perfect, the goal is to chase towards perfection. So, by design, you are always changing something towards perfection.
I don't think Matthew understands what Sadia is saying. The reason Matthew is in disbelief of what she's saying is because they each work with different niche in the dating world. Sadia has more experience with men who are rich and are being taken advantage of by manipulative women, or working with men who are gullible. Matthew has more insight about women who are taken advantage of by manipulative men, and he is comparing pears to apples. Matthew disagrees a lot with what Sadia is saying, but Sadia is telling the truth about some types of relationship-dynamics out there and I think it's important and so good that we have Sadia who tells us about them when no one else would. I have watched almost all videos on RUclips from both of them. Matthew talks more about how women should deal with men, not give too much value to a guy who doesn't give back and avoid guys who keep them around but don't want to commit. Sadia on the other hand talks more about how men being submissive and agreeable, aren't strict with their boundaries leads to women disrespecting them and increases the chances of losing feelings and even cheating. Sadia explains that some women by their nature want a man who has masculine energy or assertiveness that make the women feel more safe and secure in the relationship. Sadia talks more about bad sides in some women while Matthew about bad sides in some men.
I love how Matthew values honest and difficult conversations when you value your relationship and are interested in keeping the relationship at a great health level!! I need a partner with this mindset!
From what I'm hearing, I think it's a perfect example how people have assigned different meanings and associations to the same words. One says "compassion" and sees great healing and strength in it, the other sees it as an excuse, weakness, and a potentially threat. They're using the same words, but are essentially talking about different things...
@@jonrazo7912 But it's true that self compassion can bring self pity, pat on your back. Tbh i can live without his defined complex self compassion. I can self respect myself, tell myself nobody would disrespect me otherwise I'd distance myself from them, also teach oneself to act decently. That'd surely cheer me up and i can get back to my feet. The way Matthew's defined compassion was almost like perfect state compassion that encompasses many good virtues. But that's bs, average people will understand it as a self pity. Also he didn't explain that much on that unfortunately
If you allow someone to use you over and over again, you don't have any compassion/respect for yourself. Stop giving other people "compassion" and refusing to respect yourself. That's not compassion, that's just weakness.
Sadia isn't saying that people deserve being abused she's simply saying they're signs that we should pay attention for and should take accountability. I think this is definitely a battle of the sexes type of interview. Very informative. They're really saying the same thing, just through different perspectives with opposite orders. I love it. Matthew, ADULTS should consider extreme accountability even in time of dispair
If both people can take accountability then it makes it easier to work together and figure it out...makesitt easier to feel safe and loved and vulnerable enough to really communicate to each other...but when 1 can't seem to do that or don't want to it's just over!!!!
I feel like Nadia takes the emotions out of the conversation and it comes across as harsh but she speaks the Truth. Self accountability is necessary and is a form of self compassion and self love and prevents you from repeating negative cycles and from always being a victim of circumstances all the time, self responsibility is necessary for breaking out of patterns. Mathew brings the emotion to the conversation and empathy. Sadia is team Realism and Mathew is idealism. The balance is necessary. Because nobody is blind sighted, people always tell on themselves. Always. But when you're in love you tend to overlook the smallest and the biggest signs. You cant control people and their actions but you have control over yourself. With that said theres a very grey area between self blame and self accountability. Self accountability is self compassion.
Self-accountability and self-compassion are related but distinct concepts. Here’s a brief overview of each: Self-Accountability: Definition: Taking responsibility for one’s actions, decisions, and their consequences. It involves being honest with oneself about one’s behavior and its impact on oneself and others. Key Aspects: Acknowledging mistakes and taking ownership of them. Setting personal goals and following through on commitments. Holding oneself to personal and ethical standards. Self-Compassion: Definition: Treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and support, especially in times of failure or difficulty. It involves recognizing one’s own suffering and responding to it with care rather than criticism. Key Aspects: Being kind and gentle with oneself during times of failure or suffering. Recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that suffering is a part of the human experience. Mindfulness of one’s thoughts and feelings without being overly critical. Differences: Focus: Self-accountability focuses on actions and their consequences, while self-compassion focuses on one's emotional response to those actions and consequences. Approach: Self-accountability is about responsibility and improvement, while self-compassion is about acceptance and kindness. How They Complement Each Other: Balanced Approach: Combining both self-accountability and self-compassion can lead to personal growth and well-being. Accountability ensures you acknowledge and learn from your actions, while compassion ensures you treat yourself kindly during the process. Healthy Mindset: Holding oneself accountable without compassion can lead to harsh self-criticism, while compassion without accountability can result in complacency. Together, they foster a healthy mindset for growth and self-improvement. In summary, while self-accountability and self-compassion are not the same, they are complementary and both are important for personal development and mental well-being.
I agree - Sadia’s client base is rich men from Dubai who marry gold diggers. Matthew’s primary client base is European and American females. I can see why their client base experience doesn’t reconcile. I side more with Matthew, as he seems to understand the western culture more.
@princessmari5063 I’m also American and agree with the commitment to take responsibility for our actions and learn from our mistakes. What I disagree with Sadhia which sounded very harsh (coming from a Psychologist) is using the word “blame” to define taking responsibility. She said that she would blame herself for the outcome of her dysfunctional decisions (paraphrasing here). We all know that when we get stuck on blaming ourselves that creates a block on a subconscious level to be able to break through patterns. That is why I agree with Matthew more. He suggested compassion and accountability to break through patterns. 😊
On the other hand, he's arguing on pathetic points which results no fruit, sometimes on mere definitions (self respect vs self love etc in order not to agree with her) also some of his definitions are complex (holistically? tf). Generally i like Sadia's talks simple and straight to the point
@@bumblebee_mscry about it then, if you’re aware you have issues then you’re aware that you can heal them This parental excuse works until you hit about thirty
@@Divinia93 Says who? Why do non-therapists think they can dictate how others are allowed to feel at what age? Grow up and stop commenting on things you know nothing about. Abuse doesn't just magically leave your life at 30.
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
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As hard as it is to accept, I need to agree with Sadia. I've been through so much in life and there are signs even though I didn't want to acknowledge them as red flags because love does blind us. They both have valid & valuable insight. I prefer to learn from their expertise rather than to criticize their different approach on their points of views.
Absolutely agree with this. I've experienced 2 toxic relationships where I definitely saw the red flags very early on and ran straight through them. True self acceptance comes from knowing you made mistakes in choosing these relationships, forgiving yourself for the mistakes and then making a commitment to never make them again
And again.. shout out to Sadia. Ive been into psychology and cluster B PDs for years now. I would confirm that people who cant love themselves ( the self-compassion) CAN love others. Its possible. But people who dont respect themselves, cant respect others. This was a strong realization. There have been moments in my life when excessive self-compassion has led me to inaction and lack of responsibility. She is wise. Kudos.
I understand what Matthew is saying, but I prefer Saida’s perspective because you should accept your responsibility towards choosing your partner and your values. You can’t always blame the other person. Communication is very important; however character and values speak for themselves!
I understand what Sadie is dating, and I subscribe to Matthew’s perspective of self-compassion first; how Matthew defines self compassion, not Sadie’s. Using the term “excessive self compassion” really sounds like victim blaming to me. Yes, healthy disagreements.
Some relationships are a mix of two people making lots of mistakes. And knowing what you would do differently next time is so helpful, whichever role you played. And then other times, you can blame the other person. Some behavior is unacceptable, whether or not the recipient "allows" it. And in abusive relationships, the terms "allow" is very murky.
Having self compassion and not subjecting yourself to crippling self-blame is something you can do without having to negate self-responsibility. You can be both self-responsible and self-compassionate. They are not mutually exclusive.
I am sorry to say this. While I still like both of these personalities I felt Matthew was selectively listening to Sadia, unnecessarily challenging her while she kept trying to engage his opinions. I think their philosophies are different and I suppose that needs to be understood as a precondition to watching this interview. I still learned a lot from this so thank you to all three of you.
BOTH parties made very good points; human nature is flawed. The best thing we can do is select people whose values naturally align with ours the most, and communicates well.
I understand Sadia’s point of view from a theoretical level, but I’m 100% on board with Matthew from a real-life, emotional intelligence and lived example perspective.
Opposite direction. Sadia’s is the real life and realist the other guy’s is idealism. Sadia’s perspective is high internal locus of control while the other guy’s is high external locus of control.
I blamed myself for 30+ years of abuse. I agree with Matthew, when I finally learned self compassion and removed my self blame, which took many, many years of therapy, and the nurturing of my own self compassion healed me. Self blame kept me away from my own love for myself and kept me in abusive situations. So I believe self compassion is a tool for healing, self blame was a tool for further harm within myself. So I am now pro self compassion all the step of the way. Thank you all for your insightful conversation. I really appreciate it.
I agree with Sadia. Self compassion only, has lead me going through a loop of the same abuse over and over again. It took me taking accountability and respecting myself for me to get out of it and recognize bad behaviors.
Sadia was correct. When I chose my husband, I was NOT in a good place, AND I am pretty strong. Totally saw all of the signs, just a lonely, dark time, I should have never even dated him.
Totally happened to me. And in that moment, I was confident I didn't see it coming. After I passed the fight or flight state, I realised the indications were there... blatantly there
@janelleespinosa6247 stop being a victim sadia vision is not always correct cause she blames the man for all the problems in the relationship and that's why I can't agree with her
@johneybrav1987 You aren't correct. Sadia is not "always " blaming either the man or the woman. She accepts the way that she could be wrong, I am merely agreeing with her on one point. Do you feel the need to keep answering a post, until someone feels bad about themselves or do you just need to be right. This is rhetorical, I am not wanting an answer from you.
Really loved this debate! Also, Lewis, you're such a sweetheart, but it's okay to just let them disagree. It's refreshing to see respectful debate online. More of these!
I’m just listening to the beginning. And I agreed with Sadia version. With the mask and how relationships start and how they eventually develop I lived it. As she described!!!!! I’m wowed !!!
I was married to a cheater for a very long time. I have put so much thought about it. Bottom line, all cheaters do not respect boundaries!!! Applies to everyone
Sadia said that people can't hide character. Yes, they can, if they believe themselves in the person they show you. And people are better behaved usually for the first year or two anyway. And not everyone is highly emotionally intelligent psychologist who can spot something in a person. Sometimes you can look back and see something, maybe, but people are also forgiving because we all make mistakes and aren't expecting people to always behave perfectly
Hey! If you're feeling unsure about things, trust your gut. Signs like secrecy, sudden changes, or lack of communication can be red flags. It's important to have open conversations with your partner to address any concerns. Your feelings matter, so take the time to talk things out.
I don't agree. There are many times trusting the gut can lead to abusive relationships. If an individual grew up in an abusive household their internal compass still ultimately points them towards what's comfortable, familiar and feels "safe". And that essentially means abusive partners. It's why so many go from one abusive partner to another. Why so many of their friends also suffered a lot of abuse. Trauma bonding. We gravitate towards it subconsciously. It's what they have grown up with. It feels comfortable because it's what they know.
I've always respected Matthew. But this time I had a different kind of respect for him. It has shown us how much he is a person who is keen on pursuing the truth and does not care about anything as much as reaching it. He has a deep philosophical sense🧡 May we all be enlightened by the truth🤲🏻💛
So you didn’t get a highly biased approach from this interview? He straight up avoided the height question. Also, he showed he learned nothing new from this interview, everything he believed was brought to the interview, and retained throughout. He didn’t acknowledge any new perspectives gained from this interview.
I can relate with what Matthew says. With self responsibility alone, one cannot accept him/herself fully. Blame, guilt , shame comes with it. Self compassion is the key to accepting oneself fully with all the flaws and trying to work on oneself.
Why would a person who's been cheated on be the one to take accountability for the other person's bad behaviour? This is a horrible take on her part. That's like blaming a victim of assault by asking, "What did you do?" or "What were you wearing?" Matthew is absolutely on point. I mean, Are we going to blame people that enter into relationships where they end up being physically or emotionally abused by a partner? Absolutely rediculous! Relationships are a lot more complicated than such over simplification. Knowledge and wisdom comes from experience and age. With experience and time, hopefully we are more discerning and have more maturity to choose better partners.
Thanks for sharing your view, I interpreted her words differently. She’s not saying take responsibility for their actions, she’s saying reflect on the signs they dropped, the behavior/ things that happened that you either ignored or let go off because you were trying to make it work. I’ve heard other experts like Esther Perel also talk about how in most cases, infidelity happens when a need isn’t being met and the “victim” can always reflect on what that looked like. Again, it doesn’t excuse their actions, it just means the other person can do some introspection too
@@Booark12 Reflection is always good and valid, and everyone should reflect on how they can better themselves and not repeat destructive patterns. It's not the same as blaming yourself for having picked the wrong partner. Blaming and shaming oneself can keep someone in victim mentality. I agree with Matthew that self-compassion can be more productive. This discussion is nuanced, and not so black and white. Maybe they should do a part 2 and continue the discussion.
@@SandraArduini You are blowing it out of proportion. Sadia just means you can be more observant of signs that shows your partner will betray you. She literally said her clients will complain about a kind of betrayal and even tell her past signs they saw leading up to it. This means the client saw red flags but ignored them and kept the relationship going. Sadia just means you are responsible to leave the relationship when there are obvious red flags or too many red flags.
Matthew is saying that for the majority of cases, we cant predict abuse/cheating, and it’s ultimately the person whose done wrong’s fault. Sadia is saying that the abusee has to take responsibility for advocating for themselves and taking ownership for their role in choosing to stay with someone who shows red flags. I believe Sadia is not talking about the initial “incident” but the partner’s choice after they have been cheated on/abused or at least seeing significant red flags. I dont think these thoughts are opposing viewpoints. They’re based on different things and can be joined together. We cant control the wrong that has been done to us (Matthew), and we have advocacy for our responses to being wronged (Sadia)
Does self-compassion as being most important incorporate tough love for yourself? Because the combination of compassion and tough love would be better defined as self-respect. Compassion is a nurturing act, but not necessarily an accountability act. Self-respect allows for nurture and accountability.
Agree, they are saying the same just in different ways. We need to have self awareness on how we respond when we are out our worst but also identify the red flags in others and choose well
SELF COMPASION & SELF RESPECT are Symbiotically Equal! BOTH are Needed Simultaniously To Become vital for Both Self Relationally & Relationship with Other.
@@avilaloveeyes that’s exactly what I was thinking by the end of the talk. Their banter is completely semantics! It has to all go hand in hand. There are no step 1 step 2 step 3. Just do the work people !
The hurt side of me wants to agree with Matthew, but the reality is, we are responsible for our decisions in life. I will say some people are better at hiding their lies than others which is what makes cheaters so bad, in my book. It is almost psychopathic how a person can lead a double life while staring you in the face and telling you that they love you. It hurts like hell, but I know that Sadia has a very important point. We must be responsible for our own actions, decisions, and lives. We have to use discernment and read between the lines because we usually have an inkling that something is off but we dismiss it because we don’t trust ourselves and/or we want to badly to be loved. Ugh. Infidelity and heartbreak truly suck.
@Lillicat88 that's like blaming the girl that's been raped. What was her part? What was she wearing? Living in a narcissist world is Living in survival mode. Until you have lived it you have no clue. Check out Dr Ramani, very helpful.
@@chelofashion7974 Oh please, that's such a cheap and false comparison. If you insist on going to the extreme end of victim blaming I would say even in those situations there might SOMETIMES (not always) be lessons to be learned (and no, I'm not talking about what she wears, I'm talking about vigilance to predators and how to protect yourself from them). None of this is to blame the victim but burying your head in the sand and pretending that predators don't exist or refusing to change ANY behaviours on a moral high ground of 'They're in the wrong, they should change' (news flash: they won't) isn't taking responsibility for your own safety
Being vulnerable enough to trust someone and letting go of your guards to truly connect with them isn’t a weakness in my opinion. That is the strength of vulnerability that you open up yourself to other person with no guarantee that he won’t hurt you. And if for some reason that person betrays/hurts me I wouldn’t be blaming myself for being naive. I would first of all feel compassion for myself for further healing. You cannot always foresee what the person will be like, sometimes people can’t for sure say how they themselves would act in extreme circumstances, let alone know about others. It’s always easy to judge and blame others when you seat well fed and in comfort with privileges.
The reality is though most people who have been cheated on, especially women, had plenty of signs before they found out. It really is about valuing yourself so that you are only selecting people who will also value you. How many people do you know where you wouldn’t be surprised if you heard their spouse cheated?
One of the head research professors said he could turn anyone into an addict in the right environment. So anyone is capable of unexpected change. It can come out of nowhere, with no signs at the beginning of the relationship. Addiction can happen at any age. Addiction presents a lot like narcissism. The only difference is their perspective of self. Addiction is an epidemic. People changing out of nowhere is a part of every family in America.
@@brittany7573 Very true--sometimes people tell us who they are from the beginning, but even those people can change. Their wants and needs can evolve. So someone may prevent themselves accurately when they meet their partner, then change as time goes on. And then it's on them for not being communicative about it.
Vulnerable is the only way both should be with each other if u both are going to figure out whether it will or won't work...because begging for that later doesn't work it will make u resentful towards the other person especially if u been together a long time!
I've been reflecting on Sadia's experience and how much it might be influenced by the culture & clientele she's been exposed to. I guess both Mathew and Sadia have a niche & body of work that’s informed their perspectives. Having grown up in India, I've witnessed firsthand the ongoing challenges women face in terms of safety. Sadia's perspective, that anything outside our family is a choice (self selection), feels like a privilege, especially considering the unimaginable atrocities women endure in many parts of the world. Despite their contrasting views, it was incredibly enlightening to hear Sadia and Matthew Hussey engage in such a thought-provoking conversation. As someone who follows both of them, I've noticed their work occasionally pulling in opposite directions. Seeing them discuss together was a truly enriching experience. In addressing such complex issues, there are no black and white answers. However, conversations like these open doors for listeners to embrace the nuances with grace, learn from diverse perspectives, and integrate what resonates with them. Grateful 🙏🏾
Now it’s time to think about how his culture impacts him. Or you think that one culture is better than the other? Everyone is impacted by what surrounds them.
If you dont take responsibility，you end up in the same situations，the cycle wont end。Take responsibility and earn self respect will lead you to recognizing who can be better partners，lets stop victimizing everything and take ownership。
I think what Sadia is saying about self responsibility comes later in the relationship. For example, Partner cheated and you decided to stay. The next time they'll cheat, you ve got to take self-responsibility for putting yourself through this again. What Mathew said about self compassion and "it's their fault" is true when you get abused/ cheated on for the first time. I would like to shed some light on, how toxic a relationship would become and how on the fence would partners be if they are constantly looking for signs or are not ignoring minor inconveniences. If you have a long term relationship, you have seen so many ups and downs of your partner's personality and have seen them grow that you don't cherry pick things and start pondering if they'll cheat. Of course after you get cheated on you begin to ponder if you could've stopped it somehow, but the fact of the matter is, you couldn't have! Self compassion is extremely important in order to move on. The person cheated on wouldn't be able to have a nontoxic/normal relationship ever if they do not exercise self compassion.
Good points. Also an abused person doesn't think, "I'm dumb for being with someone this mean, I need to go." They think "what am I doing to elicit this disrespect? It must be something inadequate in me, so it's on me to improve myself, not on them to treat me nicer just because." That person is not in the mindset to be "warned" by red flags
By the way, I think it’s really hard to spot cheaters early on and you can only do so much. That’s why his self compassion works - understand the complicated and impermanent nature of human beings so you are responsible to pick the person but if it’s still the wrong one, you don’t all blame it on yourself. I dated a guy who is super reliable.. never cancel always plan, treats me so well, then turned out to be very anxiously attached and super clingy, super jealous. I dumped him after 3 months. I think there is no perfect man, you basically just choose which problematic dude you want to work on or suits your own problems better.
same. responsible/accountable to a fault. to the degree that it kept me in and enabled the abuse done to me for decades. conditioned to do so from birth and only through finally learning self compassion was I able to break the cycle and respect and see myself and especially the abusers correctly and give myself the much needed truth that no matter how much responsibility I took I was always going to be the whipping boy. It's still challenging to stay there when Duty wants to tell me I'm always to blame for everything. I no longer take responsibility for other folks behavior, only my own. and I have compassion for my tendency to take on more than my share, and then I do better.
Wow Wow and Wow!!! This is so beautiful to see two highly intelligent, intellectual and down to earth people (coach) discussing ideas, disagreeing with grace without being disagreeable or disrespectful. We need that in our society. Thank you guys.
Matthew you just gained a new fan❤❤❤. Your ability to relate to vast majority is remarkable. Huge huge Appreciation for Lewis for facilitating such dialogue👏
My wife of almost 4 years cheated me. No signs. First time she let me down. We dated for 3 years before marriage. I Loved her as the love of my life and we were planning to start having children next year. I caught on the cheating because there were signs AFTER the cheating happened. It started about 2 weeks before I discovered and she started signs the day she arrived late after work without calling me before(we always call each other if we gonna be late). We had a pre-nup and if we one of us cheated they got basically nothing in divorce. I did nothing wrong. There were no signs. You can't say there are always signs.
Not everything is our fault because we are not know it alls. We are learning everyday about stuff we dont know about. I think self compassion is important and its also important to be self aware. Also blaming people or yourself is not helpful. Im learning from both Matthew and Sadia. Thank you❤
I agree with Matthew's view on self-compassion. I also agree with Sadia that self-compassion sometimes leads to an inability to hold others accountable because, if I think it about it long enough, I offer compassion to the perpetrator too. We have learned so much about mental health as a society, but we are simply armchair psychologists without a full toolbox with which to work. It's definitely challenging to navigate. I loved this conversation. It was uncomfortable to watch, but it also felt like a conversation I would love to be a part of with friends in the living room. Lewis, as always, I acknowledge your ability to work with all people in your signature loving manner. Great job, everyone.
this was amazing I learned so much . The reason I resonate so much with what Mathew says is because, literally, self-compassion saved me from the most toxic cycle of my life. If I hadn't allowed myself unconditional love in my worst moments, I wouldn't have reached where I am now. I radically accepted myself with all my character imperfections, all my flaws, and all the people I hurt along the way. Literally, I could have continued as I was. Maybe on paper or from a distance everything seemed fine with me, but it was a cycle of self-punishment stemming from self-hatred, even though I fulfilled my responsibilities. It took me to the worst extremes. Self-compassion is so important. Radical acceptance is so important knowing who you are and your story before jumping into a relationship is key✨🙏
I agree with Matthew!!! Loved having his voice in this video!!! i hear what Sadia is saying about taking personal responsibility and asking yourself what role did I play in this? That is not a bad self reflective question to ponder on. but it’s like she has this expectation that every person has learned how to properly vet a partner. Nowhere in our educational system (and familial system) does it teach us how to pick healthy partners, the importance of it, or the consequences it can have. (This is changing more though as we have more and more access to online information to teach us about relationships). Most people learn through trial and error, experience, and maybe a few self help videos or online resources or courses if they really are looking to do more work on themselves. Not everyone is going to have a PHD in psychology when it comes to relationships. And the expectation to blame oneself for someone else’s behavior is just gaslighting yourself. love is the answer. not blame. Blaming yourself creates self-loathing cycles
I'm agree with Sadia it is our fault to accept how other people treat us what we allow them to tell us. It is true that the our self-esteem is important here to recognize people who are narcissist and to stop them or put a limit. Most of the people who are with narcissist or toxic relationship is because they lack of self esteem. As well the communication is very important and you can improve the relationship is you tell your expectation, limit and have agreement. Great conversation guys! Thank you for sharing all your knowledge and experience.
I appreciate the opposing views. I would share that spiritual wisdom and prudence will minimize making poor decisions. We take accountability where necessary and we adapt to life challenges when they aren’t our fault. Great conversation! ☺️
I love listening to two intellectuals having a head to head conversation bringing their own perspective while masterfully challenging the opposing view. What an episode!
I love Sadia take on self respect!! Also, more important to be respected by other than loved. People who love you can hurt and disrespect you.Thanks Sadia!!!
First, you need to take responsibility for your life, which you create consciously or unconsciously, then forgive yourself for everything you did or did not do in the past and accept yourself in this moment, from there you can start to build self-love. When you really love yourself, you don't need any other fancy words like self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, self-confidence. Compassion vibrates at a very high frequency, I'm sure that only a very small number of people can access it, we usually confuse compassion with empathy, kindness, tenderness. If you want to have a good relationship, your intention should be about your contribution to the relationship, sharing the joy of making your partner's life as beautiful as possible, but not about what I can get out of it. I wish happy relationship to everyone ❤
Compassion made me complacent and overlook bad behaviour. I kept forgiving. I agree with Sadia. Harsh truth is to look at self. When I started to respect myself, I was able to establish boundaries.
I respect everyone in this video. This has to be one of my all time favorite videos. Thank you for putting this together Lewis. Well done to you and your team!
You sound like you don't really know what you're talking about in this interview. And your own morals are pretty questionable, as well. Not sure how you've ever helped anyone with your advice, besides reaffirming some rich guys that what they did was okay and not their fault.
@@alonalohman2947to me she is one hundred percent right! You can never have a good relationship till you accept your responsibility and know your value s!
I get where you come from, I think people get the concept of accountability wrong. I believe both people in a situation a responsible, I am responsible for the things that happen to me now(the ones I have control of). Life is not roses people, we have to be aware. Be compassionate and be responsible for your choices. Much love
I understand that once you've gone thru abuse, you need to wake up, heal and do the best for yourself. No one is responsible FOR the abuse done to them (due to childhood programming), but it's your responsibility to stop being with anyone who abuses YOU.
Yes, we can take responsibility for the tendencies and pitfalls of out attachment styles and be aware as we can when making choices, while still not blaming ourselves for mistakes we've made or for other people's actions
I agree with her. I think we subconsciously ignore our intuition when we want something to work and then say we didn’t see it coming when deep deep down.. we did catch a hint and chose to ignore it. But not many people are in tune enough to acknowledge that.
We are responsible for everything! She is correct! Bravo Sadia! She is explaining things on a deeper level that may be harder for people to understand.
I am 100% with Mathew 🙌👌 self compassion and is absolutely number ONE 👌🌷 everything starts with self compassion, although self-respect is important. I totally agree more with Matthew's view on most of what he shared. Thank you 💙💙💙
I love Matthew but I don’t understand why he’s so combative with Sadia’s point given there’s videos he’s made where he talks about how people you date, will usually by the second or third date show you a red flag, and how in hindsight you usually look back and think, ah, that person showed me that red flag and I willingly ignored it. Which is what she’s saying here. I don’t think her responses are about headlines, they’re focused on the main point, and the main point is that she believes you can take what you see in the beginning of relationships and apply it to your future relationships to enable success. Also, I think Matthew seems quite combative from the offset, to the point where he doesn’t directly answer some of her questions that she point blank asks him. She gives well rounded answers from what she’s perceived and admits where she’s subjective as much as possible. I appreciated her responses.
I agree that he often promotes the same advice and she was gracious in her active listening. But one of Matthew's pillars is paring responsibility with being easy on yourself for your unhealthy choices so you can move forward without overwhelming shame. I think he felt she wasn't leaving room for that.
Thanks to Sadia & Matthew for sharing their wisdom with us! Leave a “YES” if you enjoyed this and share the biggest moment for you. And make sure to subscribe to never miss out on inspiring content like this again RUclips.com/lewishowes
Thank you Matthew sir and Lewis sir❤
How come you only ❤ed comments that view S. favorably and not Matthew? It would’ve been nice if we had a chance to hear from M why and how he thinks cheating starts. We never actually got to that, tho you said we would at the start.
Lewis I loved this trio! It has given me so much to think about! Many great points made. I agree that self love, compassion, and respect are important. We need to have them both back for more!
Excellent podcast on relationships. Best I’ve seen. I am over 70, graduate of Harvard, have taught college courses, and I would say to both of you that yes, self love is highly important for growth, etc., as is self respect for setting boundaries and definition. However, the most important trait that will save all individuals from pain and destruction is SELF DISCIPLINE. Why? Because self discipline is mindless and simply puts the body on automatic pilot to push it through all challenges to keep moving forward in a positive direction. So you are both wrong.
Yes. Sadia makes really good points.. and I'm almost on board with her.. however.. if I needed strength, to learn myself and an open mindset..and to live.. whole heartedly Mathew is a thousand times higher.. I was young and nieve' was it my fault.. no..I didn't have good teachings and I had "compress" what I needed. From my past. I also was the wife who got cancer.. luckily my husband showed up. I was the one who had a heck of a time having hard conversations.. I'd try..I'd try hard.. only when I started learning how to have them Thank you to Mathew.. I know see it wasn't me. I tired many times to have them.. he won't.. he is closed off.. but Matthew Hussey.. gave me a back story.. actually what I like to say is he gave me my story back. And I do think it's very nieve' to say state things in Sadia's way.. there is responsibility and theirs owner so..but until theirs compassion and forgiveness with in themselves..I think it would sink the person down into a deeper depression.. I choose Mathew Hussey.. I choose life.. strength, resilience. I like your bold ways and your ownership Sadia.. but Mathew gets me
“Our responsibility as a human being is not to just believe the best about people but to believe the truth in people ” 💯 Sadia
Its still misleading to say though, because this implies that all humans have the ability to see the truth in people. And in my personal experience as someone who is single for most of the life, who has been accredited the ability to see the truth in people by many in my environment, almost nobody else sees the truth for what it is. It is always some kind of personalised interpretation.
Yes, I'd argue 90% sees a fraction of the whole, and then believe they see it fully. Dunning-kruger effect its called.
No, its not our responsibility to see the truth of them.. Not at all.. that still doesn't solve anything.
Just seeing a truth will make you judgemental and assuming.
Its our responsibility to hold others accountable for the things they say is true. Have them put money where their mouth is. If they're not willing, they're without a doubt hiding something. Usually just trauma though substantiated by incompetence and wrong circumstance. And that's hard. But its the main reason why we cannot see the whole truth of others.
Ergo, our main responsibility is to become a person worth believing/listening to despite the risks.
This is facts 💯
She's incredibly naive and not at all fair-minded or realistic about human relationships. Her approach is very immature. Victim-blaming is cruel an stupid.
Thanks for having me on as always brother ❤
Thank you Mathew for being there for us🥺😭❤️
Hi Matthew, I’ve always been a fan of yours. I’ve found your work to be very in-depth, and you’re not afraid to share your own short comings as examples..such as when your wife called you out for your words not aligning with your actions. However I feel in this debate, you may have to look at why did you interrupted Sadia multiple times? From my point of view, you have already made up your mind about her and was not able to receive and reflected on what she had to say. As a female, I’ve felt Sadia was being shut down by you multiple times, instead of being honoured and listened to.
I hope my best intentions will not come off the wrong way.
All the best to you.💛
Thank you for your empathy and compassion ❤
Loved your response on self-compassion. So glad to hear this vs. self-blame.
@@thematthewhussey I appreciate your work even more after this interview! The world is quick to place blame, and not that accepting and empathetic in understanding the struggles! Thank you for being the voice of a lot of people who suffered unimaginable pain
What I would love after listening to this very interesting conversation is to put Sadia and Dr. Ramani together for a conversation. That's all I want to say
Spot on, that would be an interesting conversation.
Maybe putting yourself in convo with sadia would teach you that victims should be held accountable for more things that they’d ever guess 🤷♀️
Yeeesss!! Thank you. Sadia could use her perspective, to say the very least.
💯
Omg yass
Every single time a relationship ended badly, including 2 with narcissists, I saw the signs in the first two weeks of dating them. I am 100% responsible for my choice to overlook those things in exchange for the high of early dating. I treated myself compassionately in the aftermath, but only because I took responsibility first and, therefore, am not a victim. Also, I can't be in 100% acceptance of myself prior to taking responsibility for it in the form of actions that build my self respect.
Yea I can say I rationalized the red flags. I’m healed now though
Beautifully said
Precisely
I agree. I believe both Sadia and Matthew are correct.
I think you can do both, take some responsibility for your part, and be a victim.
I think Sadia's position on self-accountability is so important and brave. I got divorced last year and had to take stock of my part of the breakdown. Yes, there were signs of core-level incompatibility at the beginning, which i ignored. If i don't acknowledge that i was willfully ignorant at that time, I will keep making the same mistake. I see so many people who blame the world and therefore just keep circling the drain in a neverending doom loop
I think Matthew was mostly speaking from his own personal wounds, not from an objective view of social good.
Absolutely, he comes across as emotional because he is in denial
I totally agree! I think that Matthew was coming from more personal experience...overall if you have self-respect, you make the decisions and maintain the boundaries that will prevent a lot of the poor decisions that lead to the consequences that hurt us and cause us to need self compassion in the first place.
I agree 💯 he sounds more like self pity than self compassion
Facts
have this be a regular thing Lewis!!! a few experts together is SO MUCH better than one expert. because they challenge each other's point of views, which then makes the other person work harder to prove their point, which then allows for actual insight and excellence.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
20:00 mark, he starts saying everything she has been saying, even though he has been disagreeing with her the whole time. 🙄
@@RaelynnGexactly
Agreed!!! However what Matthew is suggesting about self respect, is not always possible for most that have mental health issues. It’s mot always possible to expect natural behavior in an unnatural environment.
@@RaelynnGYes. I feel like Mathew was trying soo much to WIN instead of having a conversation😢.
this interview started off HEATED! Matthew appeared visibly bothered. Sadia seemed very composed and confident in her stance. Great exchange. Great value from both sides. We need to see more of this.
That's because she tenda to blame 1 gender whereas he has a more balanced view
More like because he can’t face reality, he is getting way too emotional. He will just get cheated on again and again
Thank you Sadia for stressing the importance on taking accountability in relationship dynamics. We are never simply just one or another, black or white, good or bad, victim or perpetrator.
We are what we allow ourselves to become over time through the relationship dynamics in which we engage (keep engaging).
Responsibility, awareness, and accountability are key. 🙏
True , its a dynamic black n white
But half the time the cheater is an actual narcissist n manipulator, n doesnt deserve forgiveness
As someone who cheated I don’t think it was my ex fault but my lack of empathy with a other human being feelings and also responsibility with my marriage vow.
Thank you mattew. For Stating the importance that we are not responsible for others malicious intent towards us.. however we are responsible to learn from it.
When we are tricked and abused- the cure to the pain, shame and guilt, from what we allowed to take place. Is self compassion.
That self compassion leads to deep understanding and then towards wisedom, wisdom leads to self respect.
Even as infants we learn compassion before we are taught to respect.
We cannot always know better beforehand but we can always do better once we understand and hold ourselves accountable for the future. .
Sadia is a real gem. Matthew’s body language is very revealing here. Just one look at his posture, his almost watery eyes, the redness on his face and overall attitude towards Sadia tells a lot.
Yea, Sadia said some stuff that had him bothered for sure. Matthew's insight was more valuable, self-compassion is KEY. Not self blame per Sadia....
Agreed … Matthew has been hurt in the past and he hasn’t gotten over his PTSD from it
You can tell Sadia works with men (self accountability) and Matthew works with women (Self compassion)
Fantastic conversation🎉
Thanks for watching! I'm glad you liked it!
That's so true. It was quite interesting.
I was so frustrated listening to Sadia- this comment has completely make things clearer! Thank you
@@yehfaislatheekhai329 hes the most healed masculine
💯
What Matthew said about manipulators is very true. These discussions are good, but it's often way more nuanced and complex in real life. Sometimes you don't actually see signs until it's gone too far. Especially true if it's the first relationship with a manipulator, and if they are incredibly capable in their craft. The cracks in the mask might not crack before it's gone so far that it's become blatant abuse. Often it ramps up over time and gets worse as the abuse cycles continue.
Yes I agree, what about what happens after tho? The second time we encounter people like that is our responsibility to act
So truee
The level of deception can be out of this world. I married a Covert Narcissist who could fool nearly anyone.
I remember sitting in a room with him amongst a group of people, when it suddenly dawned on me that he just had to steal the spotlight in every conversation he had ever had.
It wasn’t until I rejected the things he had always done for me that his mask completely fell off, almost like a magic trick.
It was crazy.
Everything was a means to an end for him, and nothing was done out of the goodness of his heart.
Who knew that we practically need degrees in psychology in order to safely navigate the dating world of prey and predator.
@@photographyenthusiast9941 that's exactly it, the signs are always there but not everyone can recognize the signs. that's part of what she's saying , naive / sensitive people are who narcissistic people target because they know they're more likely to get away w it. this guy is not even listening to her he just wants to be right. and yes we totally do need a psych degree to navigate dating it's wild
@@locoluna. Standout signs are compliments soon after meeting, bragging in any capacity, victim stories...and being overly warm/friendly/open/helpful. They tend to get bothered if you decline their offers to help. Manipulators are most often the nicest people you have ever met...and that is the biggest red flag.
I never denied my husband whenever he wanted it. Didn’t stop him from destroying our family and leaving me for another person.
they do talk about people who take care of others before they do themselves. If they feel like they can take you for granted, then they will.
It's just who he is.
Exactly, some men take their wives for granted. They take care of them and their children, and when the kids become adults, they go spend their retirement years with another woman. So sad.
@ariamoore5916 Looking back, could you see these characteristics in him?
Yes but everyone doesnt cheat for the same reasons , some or most r narcissists
Some could make mistakd
We cannot see the future buuut she has a point, there’s always a higher probability if a person shows some behaviors it will lead to something. What a smart woman!
Some people have a higher intuition where they can tell before it happens. And I think she’s one of them.
People tend to IGNORE that.
Sure, but not everyone is good at reading other people, not everyone gets to choose their partner, and partners can change over the course of a lifetime. I know someone who was a loving partner until they had a brain haemorrhage and their personality completely changed for the worse. There is no way that their partner could've predicted that they would become abusive.
Sara seems very immature and naive about relationships. She has found a way to make herself feel better about her choices and more secure in her relationship, but it's not very helpful in the long run.
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 she’s a professional psychiatrist.
She has experience in her field. Calling her naive? LOL
Your shouldn’t speak on things you know nothing about. Obviously an accident like that is rare, but it’s not common. You’re speaking on a one off situation.
People can't hide who they're forever. They always slip
People don’t know who they are, they learn through experiencing this life. Most don’t know what’s in their shadow self.
I'm talking to a girl now, and I've already told her what I expect and that I'm kinky. I've also asked her to tell me whatever it takes to keep her happy and not to be afraid to tell me.
Ahhhhmen!!! ❤
Ya but they can lie for 5-8 years. And thats probably enough
@@JN-bw2wp Impossible.
As a person coming out of an abusive relationship with many covert narcissistic tendencies involved, Sadia resonates deeply. It's high time to rebuild myself so this never happens again. I have an awesome therapist who provides a safe environment to explore why I let this go on for so long- when it was apparent in the first month.
As a person who has been in only one relationship for 16 years, I can say what Matthew is saying is not achievable without following what Saida is saying. In fact, first you need to learn to make wise choices to be able to be connected to your true self and have compassion for yourself. I know tons of people that make mistakes everyday and always blame others. They are good people but they need to learn taking responsibility for your own life is leading to a conscious and compassionate life
Same I only had a 1 handful of boyfriends (short terms) I was quick to say nope not for me...then I met him at 19 and was only in that relationship for 18 years of my life! So I can relate to u....😒 I don't know y I didn't keep the same energy like before and just said immediately nope not for me 🤦🏽♀️
Sadia = Realism
Matthew = Idealism
It's important to understand both, but we teach what Sadia says in our self-defense classes. Matthew's theories are the exception, not the rule.
We want to believe what Matthew says is true, but in most cases, what Sadia is saying is what truly happens.
So goes the saying, "It's not what happens to you... it's what you do about it that matters."
💯
I agree. Action as a result of life lessons versus simply understanding and having compassion. All important! But the action is so key for growth!
There is a fine line between self compassion and self pity. Don't confuse them.
What really struck me was the lack of true actively listening on the part of each expert. At least 10% of any statement holds truth.
But, certainly, spirited.
The guardedness required of assessing every word or action as we show up in the world so as to "not be at fault," is terribly sad and limited in scope. Lessons have to be brought forward, and they don't exclude compassion and self-awareness. Assuming responsibility is part of the healing and learning process. In many ways, it all requires a grieving process to get to that clearing where you see yourself and others more clearly.
Values and compassion do not exist.
Lewis in the middle is so cute, it's look just like watching his parents got into quarrel.
Lewis is the absolute best!
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
It's very funny :)
It got personal quick 😅
@@Booark12Matthew was standing for a more realistic and more holistic towards healing and not blaming.
It can go the opposite way too. After being burned, you see “red flags” in innocent actions of a potential partner.
This sounds like a battle of the victim mindset vs the accountable mindset and I’m 100 percent for accountability.
Not really though. Misleading reframe. You do not have to be accountable for someone else's actions. And having self compassion does not automatically imply a victim mindset.
Yeah Matthew thinks we should have compassion for ourselves and accept our flaws Sadia says we should not accept them we should change them. She is right he is wrong.
@@moderngoblinno one is perfect and constantly changing things about yourself doesn’t scream confidence
@@Flupflopit’s being accountable on observing how the relationship is really going (with signs, with actions) not how someone dreams it to be or the potential of it all
@@godivainc4593 you probably meant that to sound profound, but it doesn't. If in fact we are not perfect, the goal is to chase towards perfection. So, by design, you are always changing something towards perfection.
I feel like Matthew truly holds emotional intelligence and maturity. I love his gentle approach and advocating for self compassion 💜✨
I hink his approach is more wise and honest rather than gentle but largely agree with your comment.
@@angelaramsay1778 yes it’s alright. We are allowed to see things differently. I appreciate your comment. I do see honesty in him as well
Me too. He is an advocate for love
Absolutely,, Matthew is the adult in room!!! He should have a Phd for emotional maturity, over this fling of a doctor who is so far had been lucky 🍀….
@@EP-ch2wu I do agree he’s the adult in the room, but I wouldn’t go that far as to call her a fling of a doctor? Hmm. I did enjoy some of her videos
I don't think Matthew understands what Sadia is saying. The reason Matthew is in disbelief of what she's saying is because they each work with different niche in the dating world. Sadia has more experience with men who are rich and are being taken advantage of by manipulative women, or working with men who are gullible. Matthew has more insight about women who are taken advantage of by manipulative men, and he is comparing pears to apples.
Matthew disagrees a lot with what Sadia is saying, but Sadia is telling the truth about some types of relationship-dynamics out there and I think it's important and so good that we have Sadia who tells us about them when no one else would.
I have watched almost all videos on RUclips from both of them. Matthew talks more about how women should deal with men, not give too much value to a guy who doesn't give back and avoid guys who keep them around but don't want to commit.
Sadia on the other hand talks more about how men being submissive and agreeable, aren't strict with their boundaries leads to women disrespecting them and increases the chances of losing feelings and even cheating. Sadia explains that some women by their nature want a man who has masculine energy or assertiveness that make the women feel more safe and secure in the relationship.
Sadia talks more about bad sides in some women while Matthew about bad sides in some men.
I agree none are wrong. Just have different perspective from who they work with
But rich men want that type of women ,, so they don’t want the average women….
That’s how it’s works …
Well said and described…!
Sadia 👊😅
Rich men want that type of woman 😂😂😂 there is a difference between what should and what is desired
I love how Matthew values honest and difficult conversations when you value your relationship and are interested in keeping the relationship at a great health level!! I need a partner with this mindset!
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
@@lewishowes you’re most welcome! Thank you for your great content as always!
From what I'm hearing, I think it's a perfect example how people have assigned different meanings and associations to the same words. One says "compassion" and sees great healing and strength in it, the other sees it as an excuse, weakness, and a potentially threat. They're using the same words, but are essentially talking about different things...
Very clever comment... Gurdjieff?
Yup, exactly!
I think Sadira heard self pity when Mathew was talking about self compassion.
@@jonrazo7912 But it's true that self compassion can bring self pity, pat on your back. Tbh i can live without his defined complex self compassion. I can self respect myself, tell myself nobody would disrespect me otherwise I'd distance myself from them, also teach oneself to act decently. That'd surely cheer me up and i can get back to my feet. The way Matthew's defined compassion was almost like perfect state compassion that encompasses many good virtues. But that's bs, average people will understand it as a self pity. Also he didn't explain that much on that unfortunately
If you allow someone to use you over and over again, you don't have any compassion/respect for yourself. Stop giving other people "compassion" and refusing to respect yourself. That's not compassion, that's just weakness.
Sadia isn't saying that people deserve being abused she's simply saying they're signs that we should pay attention for and should take accountability.
I think this is definitely a battle of the sexes type of interview. Very informative. They're really saying the same thing, just through different perspectives with opposite orders. I love it. Matthew, ADULTS should consider extreme accountability even in time of dispair
Love Sadia she is all about taking accountability for yourself. It is a very powerful perspective. 👍🏽
Agree!
In Eastern culture, Accountability is not blame-
Sadia says, grow up and observe to better select for oneself
If both people can take accountability then it makes it easier to work together and figure it out...makesitt easier to feel safe and loved and vulnerable enough to really communicate to each other...but when 1 can't seem to do that or don't want to it's just over!!!!
I feel like Nadia takes the emotions out of the conversation and it comes across as harsh but she speaks the Truth. Self accountability is necessary and is a form of self compassion and self love and prevents you from repeating negative cycles and from always being a victim of circumstances all the time, self responsibility is necessary for breaking out of patterns. Mathew brings the emotion to the conversation and empathy. Sadia is team Realism and Mathew is idealism. The balance is necessary. Because nobody is blind sighted, people always tell on themselves. Always. But when you're in love you tend to overlook the smallest and the biggest signs. You cant control people and their actions but you have control over yourself. With that said theres a very grey area between self blame and self accountability. Self accountability is self compassion.
Self-accountability and self-compassion are related but distinct concepts. Here’s a brief overview of each:
Self-Accountability:
Definition: Taking responsibility for one’s actions, decisions, and their consequences. It involves being honest with oneself about one’s behavior and its impact on oneself and others.
Key Aspects:
Acknowledging mistakes and taking ownership of them.
Setting personal goals and following through on commitments.
Holding oneself to personal and ethical standards.
Self-Compassion:
Definition: Treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and support, especially in times of failure or difficulty. It involves recognizing one’s own suffering and responding to it with care rather than criticism.
Key Aspects:
Being kind and gentle with oneself during times of failure or suffering.
Recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that suffering is a part of the human experience.
Mindfulness of one’s thoughts and feelings without being overly critical.
Differences:
Focus: Self-accountability focuses on actions and their consequences, while self-compassion focuses on one's emotional response to those actions and consequences.
Approach: Self-accountability is about responsibility and improvement, while self-compassion is about acceptance and kindness.
How They Complement Each Other:
Balanced Approach: Combining both self-accountability and self-compassion can lead to personal growth and well-being. Accountability ensures you acknowledge and learn from your actions, while compassion ensures you treat yourself kindly during the process.
Healthy Mindset: Holding oneself accountable without compassion can lead to harsh self-criticism, while compassion without accountability can result in complacency. Together, they foster a healthy mindset for growth and self-improvement.
In summary, while self-accountability and self-compassion are not the same, they are complementary and both are important for personal development and mental well-being.
@@KarenTomasi thank you for that 💯
I agree - Sadia’s client base is rich men from Dubai who marry gold diggers. Matthew’s primary client base is European and American females. I can see why their client base experience doesn’t reconcile. I side more with Matthew, as he seems to understand the western culture more.
Excellent insight...you are the only one I've seen (comments wise), who has noticed that in reference to this conversation. Great call.
@princessmari5063 I’m also American and agree with the commitment to take responsibility for our actions and learn from our mistakes. What I disagree with Sadhia which sounded very harsh (coming from a Psychologist) is using the word “blame” to define taking responsibility. She said that she would blame herself for the outcome of her dysfunctional decisions (paraphrasing here). We all know that when we get stuck on blaming ourselves that creates a block on a subconscious level to be able to break through patterns. That is why I agree with Matthew more. He suggested compassion and accountability to break through patterns. 😊
Self accountability > Self compassion. You don't have Self compassion if you're not accountabie for yourself. Sadia won this
💯
Spot on, but I think class plays an even bigger role than culture here.
Responsibility gives us a lot more power to choose differently next time - I love everything she said
Matthew is spot on with his advice and thought process. He's very empathetic, a realist and you can tell he truly understands relationship dynamics.
On the other hand, he's arguing on pathetic points which results no fruit, sometimes on mere definitions (self respect vs self love etc in order not to agree with her) also some of his definitions are complex (holistically? tf). Generally i like Sadia's talks simple and straight to the point
Yes! Rare to hear such open talk by a Y carrier... chuckle*
I love the guy. It be such a lower divorce rate if there could be more of this ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
BUT..........he doesn't face facts as well as she does. Humanity is pretty crap and he doesn't want to hear it.
So true Matthew we can't love others if we don't love ourselves first❤
That sux for people who grew up with two narc parents.
@@bumblebee_mscry about it then, if you’re aware you have issues then you’re aware that you can heal them
This parental excuse works until you hit about thirty
@@Divinia93 Says who? Why do non-therapists think they can dictate how others are allowed to feel at what age? Grow up and stop commenting on things you know nothing about. Abuse doesn't just magically leave your life at 30.
Did Nadia actually study psychology??? There’s no way
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
As hard as it is to accept, I need to agree with Sadia. I've been through so much in life and there are signs even though I didn't want to acknowledge them as red flags because love does blind us. They both have valid & valuable insight. I prefer to learn from their expertise rather than to criticize their different approach on their points of views.
Completely agree!! But for people is easier to blame others than to accept they responsibility and change
Absolutely agree with this. I've experienced 2 toxic relationships where I definitely saw the red flags very early on and ran straight through them. True self acceptance comes from knowing you made mistakes in choosing these relationships, forgiving yourself for the mistakes and then making a commitment to never make them again
I am with you Matthew, the first step is self compassion. It is a vital component for self love and self development
It's not vital. You can develop and build self love without it.
And again.. shout out to Sadia. Ive been into psychology and cluster B PDs for years now. I would confirm that people who cant love themselves ( the self-compassion) CAN love others. Its possible. But people who dont respect themselves, cant respect others. This was a strong realization. There have been moments in my life when excessive self-compassion has led me to inaction and lack of responsibility. She is wise. Kudos.
Agree!
“People who can’t love themselves can love others” usually it ends up in codependency.
I understand what Matthew is saying, but I prefer Saida’s perspective because you should accept your responsibility towards choosing your partner and your values. You can’t always blame the other person. Communication is very important; however character and values speak for themselves!
I understand what Sadie is dating, and I subscribe to Matthew’s perspective of self-compassion first; how Matthew defines self compassion, not Sadie’s. Using the term “excessive self compassion” really sounds like victim blaming to me.
Yes, healthy disagreements.
Some relationships are a mix of two people making lots of mistakes. And knowing what you would do differently next time is so helpful, whichever role you played. And then other times, you can blame the other person. Some behavior is unacceptable, whether or not the recipient "allows" it. And in abusive relationships, the terms "allow" is very murky.
Having self compassion and not subjecting yourself to crippling self-blame is something you can do without having to negate self-responsibility. You can be both self-responsible and self-compassionate. They are not mutually exclusive.
@@jtru77 Could not have said it better!!👏🏼👏🏼
Exactly!!!
Exactly.... That's why I found this conversation pointless 🤷🏽♀️
Absolutely this
I am sorry to say this. While I still like both of these personalities I felt Matthew was selectively listening to Sadia, unnecessarily challenging her while she kept trying to engage his opinions. I think their philosophies are different and I suppose that needs to be understood as a precondition to watching this interview. I still learned a lot from this so thank you to all three of you.
Yup
I loved the way these two came to accept each others views
He just disagrees and is putting forward his own thoughts, it’s very necessary to speak your mind.
BOTH parties made very good points; human nature is flawed. The best thing we can do is select people whose values naturally align with ours the most, and communicates well.
What she said at 39:40 is accurate
I understand Sadia’s point of view from a theoretical level, but I’m 100% on board with Matthew from a real-life, emotional intelligence and lived example perspective.
Opposite direction. Sadia’s is the real life and realist the other guy’s is idealism. Sadia’s perspective is high internal locus of control while the other guy’s is high external locus of control.
I blamed myself for 30+ years of abuse. I agree with Matthew, when I finally learned self compassion and removed my self blame, which took many, many years of therapy, and the nurturing of my own self compassion healed me. Self blame kept me away from my own love for myself and kept me in abusive situations. So I believe self compassion is a tool for healing, self blame was a tool for further harm within myself. So I am now pro self compassion all the step of the way. Thank you all for your insightful conversation. I really appreciate it.
I agree with Sadia. Self compassion only, has lead me going through a loop of the same abuse over and over again. It took me taking accountability and respecting myself for me to get out of it and recognize bad behaviors.
Sadia was correct. When I chose my husband, I was NOT in a good place, AND I am pretty strong. Totally saw all of the signs, just a lonely, dark time, I should have never even dated him.
Totally happened to me. And in that moment, I was confident I didn't see it coming. After I passed the fight or flight state, I realised the indications were there... blatantly there
How do you know the relationship didn't end cause you were the problem and he just got sick of you
@@johneybrav1987 Do your parents know you're online?
@janelleespinosa6247 stop being a victim sadia vision is not always correct cause she blames the man for all the problems in the relationship and that's why I can't agree with her
@johneybrav1987 You aren't correct. Sadia is not "always " blaming either the man or the woman. She accepts the way that she could be wrong, I am merely agreeing with her on one point. Do you feel the need to keep answering a post, until someone feels bad about themselves or do you just need to be right. This is rhetorical, I am not wanting an answer from you.
Really loved this debate! Also, Lewis, you're such a sweetheart, but it's okay to just let them disagree. It's refreshing to see respectful debate online. More of these!
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
I’m just listening to the beginning. And I agreed with Sadia version. With the mask and how relationships start and how they eventually develop
I lived it. As she described!!!!! I’m wowed !!!
I was married to a cheater for a very long time. I have put so much thought about it. Bottom line, all cheaters do not respect boundaries!!! Applies to everyone
I'm so sorry you went thru that.
@bumblebee_mrs my ex-husband was a narcissist one of his favorite lines was "if you would do everything I say to do, we would be fine"
@@chelofashion7974 My heart goes out to you. Glad he is your ex.
Woww powerful!! Thank you for that. I noticed that with my ex. Will consider that for better selection.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Sadia said that people can't hide character. Yes, they can, if they believe themselves in the person they show you. And people are better behaved usually for the first year or two anyway. And not everyone is highly emotionally intelligent psychologist who can spot something in a person. Sometimes you can look back and see something, maybe, but people are also forgiving because we all make mistakes and aren't expecting people to always behave perfectly
Hey! If you're feeling unsure about things, trust your gut. Signs like secrecy, sudden changes, or lack of communication can be red flags. It's important to have open conversations with your partner to address any concerns. Your feelings matter, so take the time to talk things out.
Always trust your gut. I ended a two year relationship when there was a sudden flip and sudden silence for a number of days.
I don't agree. There are many times trusting the gut can lead to abusive relationships. If an individual grew up in an abusive household their internal compass still ultimately points them towards what's comfortable, familiar and feels "safe". And that essentially means abusive partners. It's why so many go from one abusive partner to another. Why so many of their friends also suffered a lot of abuse. Trauma bonding. We gravitate towards it subconsciously. It's what they have grown up with. It feels comfortable because it's what they know.
@JamieR That's the reason why it's extremely important, when you feel things are weird between each other, have a chat...
Doesn't work well with individuals that have cptsd or trauma.
You can do all that and people will still do what they want.
I've always respected Matthew. But this time I had a different kind of respect for him. It has shown us how much he is a person who is keen on pursuing the truth and does not care about anything as much as reaching it. He has a deep philosophical sense🧡
May we all be enlightened by the truth🤲🏻💛
So you didn’t get a highly biased approach from this interview? He straight up avoided the height question. Also, he showed he learned nothing new from this interview, everything he believed was brought to the interview, and retained throughout. He didn’t acknowledge any new perspectives gained from this interview.
I’m curious how he searched for truth in this interview?
Ouch he’s was bad at opposing 😅
@@JohnELDN neither did Sadia tbh
Matthew sold his product to his lady clients. In this discussion none research from him... Just see his videos, zero accountability for his clients 😂
I can relate with what Matthew says. With self responsibility alone, one cannot accept him/herself fully. Blame, guilt , shame comes with it. Self compassion is the key to accepting oneself fully with all the flaws and trying to work on oneself.
Why would a person who's been cheated on be the one to take accountability for the other person's bad behaviour? This is a horrible take on her part. That's like blaming a victim of assault by asking, "What did you do?" or "What were you wearing?" Matthew is absolutely on point. I mean, Are we going to blame people that enter into relationships where they end up being physically or emotionally abused by a partner? Absolutely rediculous! Relationships are a lot more complicated than such over simplification. Knowledge and wisdom comes from experience and age. With experience and time, hopefully we are more discerning and have more maturity to choose better partners.
You clearly didn't get her point
Thanks for sharing your view, I interpreted her words differently. She’s not saying take responsibility for their actions, she’s saying reflect on the signs they dropped, the behavior/ things that happened that you either ignored or let go off because you were trying to make it work.
I’ve heard other experts like Esther Perel also talk about how in most cases, infidelity happens when a need isn’t being met and the “victim” can always reflect on what that looked like. Again, it doesn’t excuse their actions, it just means the other person can do some introspection too
Responsibility means reflecting. Did I see flags that i ignored? if you don't reflect you will repeat the same pattern.
@@Booark12 Reflection is always good and valid, and everyone should reflect on how they can better themselves and not repeat destructive patterns. It's not the same as blaming yourself for having picked the wrong partner. Blaming and shaming oneself can keep someone in victim mentality. I agree with Matthew that self-compassion can be more productive. This discussion is nuanced, and not so black and white. Maybe they should do a part 2 and continue the discussion.
@@SandraArduini You are blowing it out of proportion. Sadia just means you can be more observant of signs that shows your partner will betray you. She literally said her clients will complain about a kind of betrayal and even tell her past signs they saw leading up to it. This means the client saw red flags but ignored them and kept the relationship going. Sadia just means you are responsible to leave the relationship when there are obvious red flags or too many red flags.
Matthew is saying that for the majority of cases, we cant predict abuse/cheating, and it’s ultimately the person whose done wrong’s fault.
Sadia is saying that the abusee has to take responsibility for advocating for themselves and taking ownership for their role in choosing to stay with someone who shows red flags.
I believe Sadia is not talking about the initial “incident” but the partner’s choice after they have been cheated on/abused or at least seeing significant red flags.
I dont think these thoughts are opposing viewpoints. They’re based on different things and can be joined together.
We cant control the wrong that has been done to us (Matthew), and we have advocacy for our responses to being wronged (Sadia)
Does self-compassion as being most important incorporate tough love for yourself? Because the combination of compassion and tough love would be better defined as self-respect. Compassion is a nurturing act, but not necessarily an accountability act. Self-respect allows for nurture and accountability.
agreed
Agreed
Agree, they are saying the same just in different ways. We need to have self awareness on how we respond when we are out our worst but also identify the red flags in others and choose well
🎯
SELF COMPASION & SELF RESPECT are Symbiotically Equal! BOTH are Needed Simultaniously To Become vital for Both Self Relationally & Relationship with Other.
Self Compasion Today✅️
Self Respect ✅️
Self Actualization ✅️
HAPPY SELF THAT DAY ✅️
@@avilaloveeyes that’s exactly what I was thinking by the end of the talk. Their banter is completely semantics!
It has to all go hand in hand. There are no step 1 step 2 step 3. Just do the work people !
Team Sadia 👏👏👏👏👏
Respect first and accountability second for sure.
Compassion is like the word love and it can be miss used in so many ways.
The hurt side of me wants to agree with Matthew, but the reality is, we are responsible for our decisions in life. I will say some people are better at hiding their lies than others which is what makes cheaters so bad, in my book. It is almost psychopathic how a person can lead a double life while staring you in the face and telling you that they love you. It hurts like hell, but I know that Sadia has a very important point. We must be responsible for our own actions, decisions, and lives. We have to use discernment and read between the lines because we usually have an inkling that something is off but we dismiss it because we don’t trust ourselves and/or we want to badly to be loved. Ugh. Infidelity and heartbreak truly suck.
Compassion for yourself is always needed
@@chelofashion7974 Yes, but it should never be at the expense of taking an honest account of the role you play in everything that happens to you.
@Lillicat88 that's like blaming the girl that's been raped. What was her part? What was she wearing? Living in a narcissist world is Living in survival mode. Until you have lived it you have no clue. Check out Dr Ramani, very helpful.
@@chelofashion7974 Oh please, that's such a cheap and false comparison. If you insist on going to the extreme end of victim blaming I would say even in those situations there might SOMETIMES (not always) be lessons to be learned (and no, I'm not talking about what she wears, I'm talking about vigilance to predators and how to protect yourself from them). None of this is to blame the victim but burying your head in the sand and pretending that predators don't exist or refusing to change ANY behaviours on a moral high ground of 'They're in the wrong, they should change' (news flash: they won't) isn't taking responsibility for your own safety
@Lillicat88 good luck with that
@@chelofashion7974 Said like a perpetual victim. Good luck with that
Self compassion leads to forgiving ourselves and helps us become better people. Leads to self love. Yess thank you, Mathew and everyone on the panel.
You're welcome,thank you for tuning in 🧡
Being vulnerable enough to trust someone and letting go of your guards to truly connect with them isn’t a weakness in my opinion. That is the strength of vulnerability that you open up yourself to other person with no guarantee that he won’t hurt you. And if for some reason that person betrays/hurts me I wouldn’t be blaming myself for being naive. I would first of all feel compassion for myself for further healing. You cannot always foresee what the person will be like, sometimes people can’t for sure say how they themselves would act in extreme circumstances, let alone know about others. It’s always easy to judge and blame others when you seat well fed and in comfort with privileges.
Awareness and meditation is the key here .. No matter what your S.O will do, cheat on you or fall out of love, you'd still be in tact with yourself.
The reality is though most people who have been cheated on, especially women, had plenty of signs before they found out. It really is about valuing yourself so that you are only selecting people who will also value you. How many people do you know where you wouldn’t be surprised if you heard their spouse cheated?
One of the head research professors said he could turn anyone into an addict in the right environment.
So anyone is capable of unexpected change. It can come out of nowhere, with no signs at the beginning of the relationship. Addiction can happen at any age.
Addiction presents a lot like narcissism. The only difference is their perspective of self. Addiction is an epidemic. People changing out of nowhere is a part of every family in America.
@@brittany7573 Very true--sometimes people tell us who they are from the beginning, but even those people can change. Their wants and needs can evolve. So someone may prevent themselves accurately when they meet their partner, then change as time goes on. And then it's on them for not being communicative about it.
Vulnerable is the only way both should be with each other if u both are going to figure out whether it will or won't work...because begging for that later doesn't work it will make u resentful towards the other person especially if u been together a long time!
I think Sadia is giving really good practical advice because it’s a cold world out there !!! Protect yourself at all costs.
I've been reflecting on Sadia's experience and how much it might be influenced by the culture & clientele she's been exposed to. I guess both Mathew and Sadia have a niche & body of work that’s informed their perspectives.
Having grown up in India, I've witnessed firsthand the ongoing challenges women face in terms of safety. Sadia's perspective, that anything outside our family is a choice (self selection), feels like a privilege, especially considering the unimaginable atrocities women endure in many parts of the world.
Despite their contrasting views, it was incredibly enlightening to hear Sadia and Matthew Hussey engage in such a thought-provoking conversation. As someone who follows both of them, I've noticed their work occasionally pulling in opposite directions. Seeing them discuss together was a truly enriching experience.
In addressing such complex issues, there are no black and white answers. However, conversations like these open doors for listeners to embrace the nuances with grace, learn from diverse perspectives, and integrate what resonates with them.
Grateful 🙏🏾
She is Pakistani not Indian.
Now it’s time to think about how his culture impacts him. Or you think that one culture is better than the other?
Everyone is impacted by what surrounds them.
If you dont take responsibility，you end up in the same situations，the cycle wont end。Take responsibility and earn self respect will lead you to recognizing who can be better partners，lets stop victimizing everything and take ownership。
I think what Sadia is saying about self responsibility comes later in the relationship. For example, Partner cheated and you decided to stay. The next time they'll cheat, you ve got to take self-responsibility for putting yourself through this again. What Mathew said about self compassion and "it's their fault" is true when you get abused/ cheated on for the first time. I would like to shed some light on, how toxic a relationship would become and how on the fence would partners be if they are constantly looking for signs or are not ignoring minor inconveniences. If you have a long term relationship, you have seen so many ups and downs of your partner's personality and have seen them grow that you don't cherry pick things and start pondering if they'll cheat. Of course after you get cheated on you begin to ponder if you could've stopped it somehow, but the fact of the matter is, you couldn't have! Self compassion is extremely important in order to move on. The person cheated on wouldn't be able to have a nontoxic/normal relationship ever if they do not exercise self compassion.
Good points. Also an abused person doesn't think, "I'm dumb for being with someone this mean, I need to go." They think "what am I doing to elicit this disrespect? It must be something inadequate in me, so it's on me to improve myself, not on them to treat me nicer just because." That person is not in the mindset to be "warned" by red flags
By the way, I think it’s really hard to spot cheaters early on and you can only do so much. That’s why his self compassion works - understand the complicated and impermanent nature of human beings so you are responsible to pick the person but if it’s still the wrong one, you don’t all blame it on yourself.
I dated a guy who is super reliable.. never cancel always plan, treats me so well, then turned out to be very anxiously attached and super clingy, super jealous. I dumped him after 3 months.
I think there is no perfect man, you basically just choose which problematic dude you want to work on or suits your own problems better.
I’m definitely like Mathew, I needed to learn self compassion in order to take action. Self responsibility was a grave yard for me
same. responsible/accountable to a fault. to the degree that it kept me in and enabled the abuse done to me for decades. conditioned to do so from birth and only through finally learning self compassion was I able to break the cycle and respect and see myself and especially the abusers correctly and give myself the much needed truth that no matter how much responsibility I took I was always going to be the whipping boy. It's still challenging to stay there when Duty wants to tell me I'm always to blame for everything. I no longer take responsibility for other folks behavior, only my own. and I have compassion for my tendency to take on more than my share, and then I do better.
Wow Wow and Wow!!! This is so beautiful to see two highly intelligent, intellectual and down to earth people (coach) discussing ideas, disagreeing with grace without being disagreeable or disrespectful. We need that in our society. Thank you guys.
Matthew you just gained a new fan❤❤❤. Your ability to relate to vast majority is remarkable. Huge huge Appreciation for Lewis for facilitating such dialogue👏
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
@@lewishowes you deserve so much more Lewis ❤️ your desire to give back to humanity is beautiful ❤️
Matthew, thank you for your presence and insights here 👌🏼 Your humanity (for lack of better words) is just so refreshing.
Matthew’s comments are so spot on and he’s not the psychologist. Great job!
My wife of almost 4 years cheated me. No signs. First time she let me down. We dated for 3 years before marriage. I Loved her as the love of my life and we were planning to start having children next year. I caught on the cheating because there were signs AFTER the cheating happened. It started about 2 weeks before I discovered and she started signs the day she arrived late after work without calling me before(we always call each other if we gonna be late). We had a pre-nup and if we one of us cheated they got basically nothing in divorce. I did nothing wrong. There were no signs. You can't say there are always signs.
There are signs. You just blindly ignore it cuz you are in love.
Not everything is our fault because we are not know it alls. We are learning everyday about stuff we dont know about. I think self compassion is important and its also important to be self aware. Also blaming people or yourself is not helpful. Im learning from both Matthew and Sadia.
Thank you❤
I agree with Matthew's view on self-compassion. I also agree with Sadia that self-compassion sometimes leads to an inability to hold others accountable because, if I think it about it long enough, I offer compassion to the perpetrator too. We have learned so much about mental health as a society, but we are simply armchair psychologists without a full toolbox with which to work. It's definitely challenging to navigate. I loved this conversation. It was uncomfortable to watch, but it also felt like a conversation I would love to be a part of with friends in the living room. Lewis, as always, I acknowledge your ability to work with all people in your signature loving manner. Great job, everyone.
this was amazing I learned so much . The reason I resonate so much with what Mathew says is because, literally, self-compassion saved me from the most toxic cycle of my life. If I hadn't allowed myself unconditional love in my worst moments, I wouldn't have reached where I am now. I radically accepted myself with all my character imperfections, all my flaws, and all the people I hurt along the way. Literally, I could have continued as I was. Maybe on paper or from a distance everything seemed fine with me, but it was a cycle of self-punishment stemming from self-hatred, even though I fulfilled my responsibilities. It took me to the worst extremes. Self-compassion is so important. Radical acceptance is so important knowing who you are and your story before jumping into a relationship is key✨🙏
I agree with Matthew!!! Loved having his voice in this video!!! i hear what Sadia is saying about taking personal responsibility and asking yourself what role did I play in this? That is not a bad self reflective question to ponder on. but it’s like she has this expectation that every person has learned how to properly vet a partner. Nowhere in our educational system (and familial system) does it teach us how to pick healthy partners, the importance of it, or the consequences it can have. (This is changing more though as we have more and more access to online information to teach us about relationships). Most people learn through trial and error, experience, and maybe a few self help videos or online resources or courses if they really are looking to do more work on themselves. Not everyone is going to have a PHD in psychology when it comes to relationships. And the expectation to blame oneself for someone else’s behavior is just gaslighting yourself. love is the answer. not blame. Blaming yourself creates self-loathing cycles
If you haven't learned how to properly vet a partner then that's on you, not the bad partner.
Loved reading this commentary. I totally agree 🙌
this. AND he clearly said several times, self compassion doesn't negate accountability, it aids it.
I'm agree with Sadia it is our fault to accept how other people treat us what we allow them to tell us. It is true that the our self-esteem is important here to recognize people who are narcissist and to stop them or put a limit. Most of the people who are with narcissist or toxic relationship is because they lack of self esteem. As well the communication is very important and you can improve the relationship is you tell your expectation, limit and have agreement. Great conversation guys! Thank you for sharing all your knowledge and experience.
Matthew is a wonderful calm example of someone who understands needing self compassion. Without compassion can lead to self hate and quilt.
Calm? More like butt hurt and enotional
I appreciate the opposing views. I would share that spiritual wisdom and prudence will minimize making poor decisions. We take accountability where necessary and we adapt to life challenges when they aren’t our fault.
Great conversation! ☺️
Yes, and I would add that we should take action to make things better when possible, and be gentle with ourselves for the things that aren't our fault
I love listening to two intellectuals having a head to head conversation bringing their own perspective while masterfully challenging the opposing view. What an episode!
I love Sadia take on self respect!! Also, more important to be respected by other than loved. People who love you can hurt and disrespect you.Thanks Sadia!!!
She is not describing self compassion. She is describing self pity.
Beautiful distinction, stranger
thats cause she doesn't know the definition...
TEAM SADIE! she know how people really behave. not how in theory therapy talk world people behave.
YEEEESSS
The people who are agree with Andrew tend to have victim mentality and moral narcissism where they think everything is out to get them
I love how she doesn’t let him get in her head 😂👏🏼👏🏼
This is a great conversation ❤
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
And her demeanor throughout this debate is just so classy! Love it.
First, you need to take responsibility for your life, which you create consciously or unconsciously, then forgive yourself for everything you did or did not do in the past and accept yourself in this moment, from there you can start to build self-love. When you really love yourself, you don't need any other fancy words like self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, self-confidence. Compassion vibrates at a very high frequency, I'm sure that only a very small number of people can access it, we usually confuse compassion with empathy, kindness, tenderness. If you want to have a good relationship, your intention should be about your contribution to the relationship, sharing the joy of making your partner's life as beautiful as possible, but not about what I can get out of it. I wish happy relationship to everyone ❤
Compassion made me complacent and overlook bad behaviour. I kept forgiving. I agree with Sadia. Harsh truth is to look at self. When I started to respect myself, I was able to establish boundaries.
fascinating, I would say the exact opposite. but perhaps we wouldn't agree on what compassion means.
I appreciate Sadia's more realistic take in matters discussed in this podcast.
I respect everyone in this video. This has to be one of my all time favorite videos. Thank you for putting this together Lewis. Well done to you and your team!
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Thank you guys so much Lewis is the best refereee ever!! lol
You are absolutely amazing person mam❤
You sound like you don't really know what you're talking about in this interview. And your own morals are pretty questionable, as well. Not sure how you've ever helped anyone with your advice, besides reaffirming some rich guys that what they did was okay and not their fault.
@@alonalohman2947to me she is one hundred percent right! You can never have a good relationship till you accept your responsibility and know your value s!
I get where you come from, I think people get the concept of accountability wrong. I believe both people in a situation a responsible, I am responsible for the things that happen to me now(the ones I have control of). Life is not roses people, we have to be aware. Be compassionate and be responsible for your choices. Much love
I understand that once you've gone thru abuse, you need to wake up, heal and do the best for yourself. No one is responsible FOR the abuse done to them (due to childhood programming), but it's your responsibility to stop being with anyone who abuses YOU.
This was WONDERFUL. Thank you for having these 2 differing styles. It was quite enlightening & informative.
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for watching!
I’m a psychologist in the Uk and I agree with Sadia, I would read up on attachment for those who have questions
Yes, we can take responsibility for the tendencies and pitfalls of out attachment styles and be aware as we can when making choices, while still not blaming ourselves for mistakes we've made or for other people's actions
I agree with her. I think we subconsciously ignore our intuition when we want something to work and then say we didn’t see it coming when deep deep down.. we did catch a hint and chose to ignore it. But not many people are in tune enough to acknowledge that.
We are responsible for everything! She is correct! Bravo Sadia! She is explaining things on a deeper level that may be harder for people to understand.
I agree she is coming from a psychological perspective which isn’t always nice to hear - fellow psychologist
Sadie speaks a lot of wisdom!
Why is this not viral? Absolutely spectacular debate, the depth of each other's points of view is super refreshing
100% with Matthew on this one.
I love, love how this format fleshed out these nuances and differences.
I am 100% with Mathew 🙌👌 self compassion and is absolutely number ONE 👌🌷 everything starts with self compassion, although self-respect is important.
I totally agree more with Matthew's view on most of what he shared. Thank you 💙💙💙
Lewis is winning this one with his facial expressions 🤣👌 Great episode, thank you for such an interesting conversation!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Not everyone is as observant as she is. ❤
I love Matthew but I don’t understand why he’s so combative with Sadia’s point given there’s videos he’s made where he talks about how people you date, will usually by the second or third date show you a red flag, and how in hindsight you usually look back and think, ah, that person showed me that red flag and I willingly ignored it. Which is what she’s saying here. I don’t think her responses are about headlines, they’re focused on the main point, and the main point is that she believes you can take what you see in the beginning of relationships and apply it to your future relationships to enable success. Also, I think Matthew seems quite combative from the offset, to the point where he doesn’t directly answer some of her questions that she point blank asks him. She gives well rounded answers from what she’s perceived and admits where she’s subjective as much as possible. I appreciated her responses.
I agree that he often promotes the same advice and she was gracious in her active listening. But one of Matthew's pillars is paring responsibility with being easy on yourself for your unhealthy choices so you can move forward without overwhelming shame. I think he felt she wasn't leaving room for that.
At Minute 49:43 Mathew gives his definition of self compassion - made me cry. Really impactful. Thank you