Yes I agree....some people are not meant for us, some people are meant for us briefly, and we all are born alone and most of us will die alone, all by ourselves.
This is the blessing of being stripped of everything. Be it by disease, war, or divorce if you survive having everything taken from you, you will be indestructible. The hard part is letting it all go.
When I was going through the divorce, the demands kept getting larger and larger. I had a few fears: being homeless, losing everything I'd worked for, dying alone. One by one I had to face those fears and accept that I may have to go there. I cannot tell you the weight that lifted off my shoulders when I opened my hands and quit grasping at what I thought was important. The sense of self I have now is almost indescribable. I didn't lose all that, but holding it with an open hand, just like he states about the relationship, unloaded a lot of mental weight. Truly, it was a Blessing from above.
If you have nothing then nothing can be taken away. But no one can take away what's in your mind. This is the basic foundation of most Confucian belief systems; live a simple life and keep your thoughts in order.
Hey studies, I lost my home and all my vintage guitars and amps and 67,mint Ludwig drum kit. I didn't think I could be inspired to play music without them. But it's getting better, and I am excited about starting to play again anew with a more resilient outlook.
I've been believing that when I fall in love again, I'll have joyful and relaxed sex again. I've been believing that when I have joyful and relaxed sex again, the person I love/have sex with will hold enormous power over me. I have both desired and feared this coming to pass. I have been believing that my identity and happiness as a man is foundationally dependent on regularly having joyful, relaxed sex. This lesson on identity vs. possessions that you lovingly steward for a time before surrendering them back to the universe...this lesson on de-identifying from things I get to have for a time ...a dragonfly landing on my outstretched hand...this lesson is powerful medicine for me today. Ive been benefitting from your work for months now. Thank you for your thoughtful, balanced commentary on living an examined life and facing reality.
Ive taught this to my wife and have been telling my clients/students the same. Being a marine myself we are also taught this since day one of bootcamp. Civillians will call it "brainwash" but in truth its the raw perspective of how the real world works. No one cares about what youve done, not even god. Its what are you doing now/still to be of use and to keep striving and of value to those around you. Keep pushing out the content Dr.
The way I look at is if the military is going to take time to train people to be strong tough even the best because there is competition with other soldiers country OFCOURSE its valuable “brainwashing” I say the same thing about cops most cops I see where I live are fit able to fight and able to shoot to kill whilst most civilians struggle to put down the cell phone …
This was really the most insightful video I've heard in a long time. We define ourselves by material things, jobs, wealth, poverty, and people. These are not who we are, merely trappings. Thanks for this golden nugget of advice. So valuable.
Those are all external material things, but it takes serious introspective meditation to actually experience/observe the mind identifying with not only external things, but also internal and equally impermanent and essenceless things. Like thoughts, sensations, reactions and feelings. The definition of suffering. And directly experiencing them through sustained and correct onservation practices are the only way to allow the mind to break free of the habits of identification. Seeing behind the curtain breaks the illusion not just hearing about it, and seeing takes a lot of work and sitting with suffering in order to understand it. Which at first makes it feel like its magnifying the suffering, hence why most spend their whole life avoiding this essential work. May all beings be free from Suffering.
I have dealt with great tragedies in my life. The longest was trying to find my daughter who had been abducted by my husband when she was 3 1/2 after he beat me and tried to kill me in 1982. With help from a good friend I realized I had control over how I reacted or the actions I take in any given situation. I focused on what I had and was grateful for such. I needed to be strong and prepared to be the mother my daughter needs when I found her. It took 21 years and 4 months to find my daughter.
I can relate. My ex~wife kidnapped our daughter ... moved thousands of miles away ... and alienated her from her entire paternal side of the family tree for 13 years. Zero contact. Police did nothing. Even though they state that 'parental alienation' is a crime. Stay 'strong' and good 🌅🤙
The reason why I identify so strongly with this monologue is because folks love “trash talking” about me to others, but hate that I don’t react to their nonsense! I am *not* my past… I am indestructible. 👑
This one was perfect for me. I was laid off from my job of 22 years along with hundreds of others. I am pretty alone in the world, no immediate family. I have friends, but really identified with my job/career as this has been a constant in my life for 42 years. I will get another job, But it is a loss. And I have been wondering about my value etc.
Right there with you Little Rose. Perfect timing for me, too. Just going through the loss of a 40 year marriage. I'd bden her mister since I was 19. And the finality was / is crushing at times. Learning to decouple from that lost relationship is the near objective. Working that out into other areas is the long term goal. I sure hope you are doing okay now.
This channel is the most enlightened psychology I've ever come across. I've always felt that in the future, there will be no psychologists, only spiritual teachers. The two will converge. This feels like the beginning of that.
I don’t know because a Christian psychologist will be way different than a Hindu psychologist and an atheist psychologist. I mean they already have religious psychologists so I guess it’s already like that
When I retired I noticed an almost instantaneous change from "There`s our city manager" (my job), to "There's Duncan (my dog) and that fat old guy who walks him".
There are lots of people who sum up their whole identiy with politics, religion etc. From the time I was a little girl, it become clear to me that i'm nothing but pure consciousness ever eternal. But I do want to enjoy my body and the physically world while i'm in it. Haha!
You do realize that your statement about pure consciousness is itself a religious statement/assertion. Which in turn has intrinsic political overtones. Just saying the obvious.
@@meerkat1954 consciousness can be spiritual and not just based in religion. I find religion to be more dogmatic and not so free flowing, consciousness is just awareness and can be applied and used towards anything.
@@PharmacyTechLabs you do realize statimg thwre is a God can also be the nature of things right? Your statement asaumes that God or the idea of God is not natural.
"The Path to indestructibility is basically the process of systematically deidentifying from that which you falsely and unconsciously identified with sometime in your past." This is the Way
"...they inappropriately identify with external reality." Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. This is exactly what the great spiritual traditions have been saying all along. It's good to see that a psychologist understands this. Identity is not just in the material world, but it's grounded in the spiritual non-physical world as well.
@@SisypheanRoller If someone called you a giraffe you wouldn't be insulted because you know in your heart, in your non-physical world, you are not a giraffe. The goal is to feel indifferent towards any demeaning comment about you.
Job 1:21 (KJV) And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
Definitely a huge message. I always knew I would loose my good looks and body if I lived long enough. And I lived long enough. What a horribly shallow thing to miss so terribly. (Probably a symptom of our shallow society). I only knew my grandparents in their old age and alway thought of them as beautiful, because they were beautiful people inside. This definitely helped.
It’s hard to see people for what they are instead of how they look. It took till I was about 30 to really see past peoples exteriors. It reminds me of the movie “Shallow Hal” ugh
I see this in my corporate life. You get people who become their job and title. Then they get depressed the day they get laid off, and they can no longer be that person they loved.
That's rooted in stoicism: Do not say of anything “I have lost it,” but rather, “I have given it back.” Has your wife died? You have given her back. Has your child died? You have given him back. Have you lost your home? You have given it back. “But,” you may retort, “a bad person took it.” It is not your concern by what means something returns to the Source from which it came. For as long as the Source entrusts something to your hands, treat it as something borrowed, like a traveller at an inn." - Epictetus
What you said about holding these things lightly, not clinging and grasping to desperately hold on really resonated with me. We must learn to gracefully surrender to the inevitable losses of life but remain grateful for our true essence, the only thing we can never truly lose.
Orion summarizes attachment theory but explains things so well and puts things in such a positive light. These short form videos are pure gold! Thank you!
I read something similar in a Buddhist book. It was said that since everything changes with time, clinging to a fixed image will only lead to unnecessary pain. Nice to see something similar on the psychology channel.
This video is a snapshot of my life over the past 6 years, and you nailed it again Doctor. I lost everything, attempted suicide twice, 1st on April 8, 2019, and again on October 30, 2020, awoke at 4:20 the next morning and said aloud softly, how I am still here? Voluntarily committed myself to a 10 day Psyche Evaluation on November 3, 2020, and was put on 50mg of Sertraline. lived in a garage for 11 months, froze at night, but revolutionized and rehabilitated my creative ability in Photoshop after working on extremely high end advertising digital campaigns, and Fortune 500 Annual Reports since 1983. Now that my personal torturers, my father, my two older brothers, my ex-wife, and her oil commodities brother from Texas were all out of my life forever, I rebounded and ascended dramatically. You are not your things, your reputation, your wealth, or your social media coverage, but who you are at the core of your being. The people that helped me ascend back into being a creative juggernaut were my fellow felon inmates, drug dealers, drug users, thieves, child support law breakers, and detention officers, probation officers, definitely not what one would expect. By Doctor they gave me respect, kindness, friendship, affirmation, and dignity that my own wealthy family, and my ex-wife's family ruthlessly and emotionally tortured from me for 65 years. Both highly religious families detested my drive, intellect, incredible creative ability because I was driven form the age of 4 to be extraordinary, and not just a median go along to get along Christian. to both families eviscerated by the Great Depression and made wholly dysfunctional, to aspire to be the best, surpassed by no one was a mortal sin, and they could not torture that out of me. so now 8 days into my 70 year I am doing the best, most creative, and trailblazing work of my entire life. So yes, if those around you can't take from your core, the things that can not be taken away by anyone, you can become indestructible. Now this next point is critical, kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, and respect for all empowers me in ways you would find hard to imagine. I have found that for me personally, there is a direct Karmic link between breakthroughs in creativity, knowledge, and deep historical insights and the concepts of equanimity, and thoughtfulness that can not be overstated. You Sir are Brilliant, and I appreciate what you are doing more than you will ever know, you're that good. A word to the wise, live in equanimity, and thoughtfulness all your days.
I understand you very well.I have the same life.Everything was taken from me by my"loving family".An advice for young generations : Never ever trust your parents,family or wife.This is the route to hell.
@@RedEyeificationyes. There is a scripture in the Bible that stated in a time of judgment, not to even trust the beloved wife of your bosom, mother father, chikdren. Neighbors. 2 Timothy 3;1-5. All people are sinners and are capable of treacherous behavior Religion doesn't stop that. It's what is in the heart.
This is what the Buddhist call non attachment. Thank you for teaching this critically important subject in such a clear and concise manner. I am currently in the midst of a divorce (17 years and two kids) and every video I have seen of yours resonates with my experience in dealing with life and especially relationships with women. Your videos have been a blessing to me and countless others. Thank you and keep up the great work! 🙏🏽
After a terrible event in my life I felt emotionally trapped in the memory of it. The moment played on a loop in my head for months on end and I couldn't escape. It was hell. Then I found a great therapist who educated me on deidentification and EMDR. He helped me to break free of the ugly emotional cycle. Now the terrible moment is simply part of my past but doesn't define me at all. There is no emotional trigger. I am forever grateful. Life is beautiful.
@@BUBBLESPOGO What is EMDR therapy? Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is a mental health treatment technique. This method involves moving your eyes a specific way while you process traumatic memories. EMDR's goal is to help you heal from trauma or other distressing life experiences
When I get upset about anything, getting older, people calling me grandma or other rude stuff, I say to myself: 'It's just my ego talking.' Sometimes when people get very sick they say: 'Why me?'. Why not? It's just your ego talking. So I turn off my ego. It really works.
Thank you. 🙏🏻This acceptance is an integral part of aging & maturing. I am learning to accept & let go of that which will be gone with time anyway , and it has made me somewhat more patient, somewhat less anxious , and somewhat more accepting of shortcomings in others , as I am coming face to face with my increasingly longer list of limitations, that come inevitably with age.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
Even that ability to choose is dependent on brain function, chemical, hormone, and neurotransmitter availability, etc.. I'm not sure how to reconcile choice with biology.
@@someguyusa Well, in its definitive form that's true, being alive or dead is a matter of biology, let's say that if one dies, one ceases to be (at least that's what seems to happen) .. the problem with using that frame, that is, analyzing how to live our life from that perspective, is that it leads, from my perspective, to a fatalism that ultimately leads to nihilism .. what is most important, at least to me, is how we live our life while we are .. Empirically, through the trials and errors of our countless ancestors, it was found that the best way to live is by cultivating our agency (agency: purposeful self-control, a purpose over which we also have control) .. The different traditions reflect that, but the one that shows it most clearly to me (even though I am a Christian), is the Buddhist one .. in that tradition, suffering (Dukkha) is a consequence of losing our agency .. and all of us, to a greater or lesser extent, are able to train ourselves (for example by practicing contemplative meditation, or contemplative practices) in order to achieve, as far as possible, that agency .. Of course, if I suffer a stroke tomorrow, I won't have the same skills as today, but those skills that I have left will be my tools to continue cultivating my agency .. that is, as long as I am, there will always be something left of me that will give me, if I use it, the possibility of cultivating my agency (the Free Will of Christians) .. and when there is nothing left of who I am, either by death or a total degeneration (for example biological, such as Alzheimer's, total insanity, etc.), well, in that case I am no longer, why worry? I would recommend you to watch in YT the series "Awakening from the Meaning Crisis" from the Professor John Vervaeke, it is wonderful.
@@huveja9799 Thank you for the thoughtful response. I used to struggle with nihilism a lot, especially post military initially. Now I have a better perspective that is similar to what you described. That said, when considering how free will or choice works with biological systems, I’m still not sure how to parse it out. Practically speaking it’s not a big deal for my day to day, but when we look at things on a societal level or when making laws, then I think it’s more important for the sake of finding the most fair policies and actions. Good talk, friend.
@@someguyusa I am very glad that my comment has served you, when I read your comment, I saw a reflection of myself but a few years younger, where I had the same kind of thoughts as you, although I had not gone through the military experience (which is close to me by family and friends, but I do not have direct experience). Science is a wonderful tool, but at the same time, misused, it can do a lot of harm, and part of that misuse is trying to use Science as a mechanism to provide meaning to our life. It is true that it can inform the tools we use to try to live a meaningful life, but it is not capable of providing meaning, and like it or not, we need meaning as much as we need bread (I suspect that's what Christ meant when he told us that "man does not live by bread alone"). Now the only way to acquire that meaning is through practice (and the discipline necessary for that practice), it is impossible to acquire it in a theoretical way, that's what I learned (to my initial surprise), once I started practicing, my mind was transforming, slowly (don't expect anything miraculous because it's a chain of thousands of small successive steps), but undoubtedly changing. Of course, I didn't achieve that alone either, I was lucky enough to find a context that gave me the necessary support to grow the necessary forces, which admittedly were in me but nevertheless needed the external "rain" to sprout them. I guess that's what we have to "preach" in society (please, don't take "preaching" literally, I already told you that I'm a Christian and I practice it, but I usually recommend contemplative practices with a good teacher), that people must take responsibility for their lives and focus their attention on how to live that life. That's why I'm sharing this with you, because I know it works, and when I read your words, I see myself ..
The classic (in diguise) Mind-Body Cartesian duality, yet clearly superseed by most of 20th century philosophy & neuroscience. The "indestructible" aspiration is rooted in fear, being destructible (& mortal) is essential of the human condition and the unique greatness of the Human as a species, not a sign of decay or rot. To truly master yourself, embrace your fragility & when for Whom The Bells Toll, with easy and grace just say "goodbye, my honor my pleasure, thank you".
Feel it. For a long time i identified with my job: I "am a webdesigner". Everytime there was a problem with my work, I made that problem to a problem "I had", to a problem that "I am" This got even to the point of me having panik attacks everytime something needed to be changed (which is normal in my job). I though, that "I" messed up. But then I started to think "I am not a webdesigner, I just do webdesign". Its not what I am, its what I just do. And my reaction to the same sh*t got waaay smaller. So thank you for expaining it in other words. It all makes sense.
Sorry this is long folks...My first lesson was in OCS. They mentally break you down, over and over again, using fatigue and little sleep. (I can honestly say I hallucinated on the 4th day of sleep deprivation). OCS is different from regular basic or other schools, because they can do WHATEVER they want to you! There are no real rules except, not to kill you. I came out of that experience mentally hard as a rock. Secondly I worked in a jail. Convicts will do and say anything to get your attention, you learn to let things roll right off your back. I also learned that institutional "rules" or codes really don't matter in the end. If they want to hire someone, contract someone or assign you double workloads, they can do it...that also means that when people tell you NO, that is not correct. THERE IS ALWAYS AN ALTERNATIVE! They just don't have a reason or the motivation to respond to your request. I've seen administrators literally move mountains to make something happen when properly motivated (usually allowing them to think that they will get credit for something big/innovative while you have the hidden evidence in your email that it was all you...:). Later when I divorced, my ex-wife knew me well (I'm a psychologist also), and she knew EXACTLY which triggers and buttons to push to get me to say or behave (likely for the purpose of secretly recording me during the divorce and custody actions). My very wise lawyer, pointed out that ANYTHING my ex said, was not necessarily what the law and the judge would agree with. The only reason that I "reflexively" listened to her was because we were partners for 10+ years). My ex's opinion (and ability to trigger me) went right out the window. I learned to respond with three things to EVERYONE PROBLEMATIC IN LIFE!!!. 1. IF it may have merit..."I'll have to carefully consider that and get back to you." 2. You definitely don't agree..."I'm afraid I don't agree and we'll have to have that decided by a neutral party", and 3. If its nasty and you simply want to drive them INSANE!..."I'm not sure what to think of that...hmm." (stare as if they are speaking another language.) I truly found that by providing a non-answer to an adversary leaves them speechless, and since they didn't get the response they wanted, they become frustrated themselves. Since you don't respond either positively or negatively they will eventually obsess about your thoughts, intentions and purposes. I found they will attempt to PROJECT whatever "pre-framed" ideas they had onto your answers...without you saying another word. Sorry this is so long. Just had my share of nasty people in my life and I had to come to peace with how I dealt with them. I am the rock in the stream and I let trivial things flow around and past me until the disappear out of sight. Ask yourself, "will I really care about this in five years?" ***Orion...I love your work. if you'd like to confer/discuss sometime as professionals (APA and toxic masculinity??) leave a reply to this comment and I will contact you through our professional channels and use linked-in. I'm a CA. psychologist also, I'm sure I can find you via our associations. I also work with mostly male adults. AS you know, I have to use a pseudonym to avoid being Doxxed as a professional male in today's atmosphere. Thanks for being brave.
The kind of 'unidentification' (Liberation) you're talking about here doesn't tend to happen without undertaking serious and at first very challenging introspective self observation techniques. May all beings find their own true path to discovering the ultimate truths of their suffering and be free of it 🌳💜
Don't undermine the work you did in therapy, because that all preceded you receiving this advice and had you been given this advice a little earlier, it could've had a completely different effect on you.
Through introspection into the working of one's own mind, it becomes apparent we are not even the authors of "our" own thoughts. Ultimately, you could say what we are at the fundamental level is not a thing, but a pattern - like the word "whirlpool". When the water stops moving, the whirlpool disappears. A whirlpool is a pattern, not a thing. If I can be ok with that, then I am really indestructible. Thank you!
Man I really needed to hear this. On some level I'm sure that I know that I will not always have what I have now. But the problem is identifying the things I have as me. Thanks for clearing this up. I really appreciate it. I think I can live a better life now as weird as that sounds.
Great video, thanks brother. Reminds me of this great piece of advice; never attach your identity or self worth to anything you have or want. Being smart, funny, rich, good looking, etc all are fleeting and transient, instead focus on the the fact that you are the observer and the learner. Being able to take this moment in and reflect on it, learn from it, and then make changes to your life as you see fit. always learning, always growing. As Navy Seals say, never out of the fight.
Thank you. This might be my biggest problem in my life and have caused me incredible psychological pain as I have identified completely with my job and marriage to the extent that any slight to that will become an enormous personal attack. You are 100% right and I will have to start the process of de-identifying with that. Not sure how but I will have to start and succeed or it will destroy me. Thanks again for the enormous insight.
Why is this guy so underrated? He is truly a good source of information, on his niech. Thanks man. Maybe you are not underrated and maybe I just felt that way. But you have my respect and trust. Long live.
Pure Stoicism!! I love it! Just this morning I was speaking with a friend and told her, “ In a very real sense I feel invulnerable. Someone can certainly harm me, But they cannot hurt me.”
I subconsciously did this very thing over the last few years. Somehow I shed my old skin for a new one, transforming into a simpler being. Letting go of ego. Letting go.
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. To be indestructible, you must first understand how you are destructible. From a psychological perspective, you are destructible when you inappropriately identify with external reality. This basically means that you conflate what you have with who you are. This is dangerous, as any threat to a possession with which you are identified will be experienced psychologically as a threat on your essential being. However, if you can identify yourself with your self, then who can have power over you? I'll explain more in this episode. Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
What do you do if you identify as a human being and then become a cyborg? Basically, what do I do if I lose my humanity? Would I not mean anything anymore?
hope you don’t mind but this video leads me to ask do you believe in god or are you religious at all? i identify as an atheist after having done a really deep dive into anthropology. everything i’ve read leads me back to this point of having no identity outside of just being. still i cling onto parts of the identity i am familiar with because i literally have no idea what else to do or who else to be. for ex i have moments of really bad road rage. thanks to your video i realize it’s because i see my car as an intricate part of my identity because it’s my lifeline so when people pull out in front of me, ride my ass, or anything that can potentially hurt my car - i get really angry because it does feel like a personal attack. today i thought to myself what do i really want in this situation… like what’s the real issue (literally mid road rage episode) and i said to myself i wish i didn’t have to commute 45 mins back and forth to work & i wish i didn’t have the burden of even having a car & paying for gas, insurance, and CONSTANT REPAIRS. ramblings but your videos really make me think Dr. O’Ryan. Thanks
Question here! In short, our identity should not be misinterpreted as what we have, such as our jobs. Therefore, drop the possessions we have from our identity, and what our identity is left with is ____. What is this blank?? Is this our personality? Our philosophy of life? If a religious person, then our selfless love for God?
Learn to accept the things you cannot change, and change the things that you can. I recently went through a hard breakup with a woman who seemed like the one but turned out to be toxic. Saddened by this, I wrote down what I could change and what I could not in my current circumstances. Less than a month later, I was hired by a great company to do what I love, and doubled my income.
Great words of wisdom. I guess if my mailbox was destroyed my though process would be #1 how and by whom. #2 was it on purpose to "send a message" or just an accident.
Thank you for this deep insight❤️ I’ve been on a journey of self discovery and self love for about a year, and one thing I remind myself of is to let go of resentment. It goes in line with what your saying to appreciate what you have and treat things lightly. Awesome video!
Summary: 1) Identity is what you are, not what you have. If something can be taken, it is not you. It is what you have. 2) People falsely identify themselves with their possessions and feel destroyed when the possessions are lost. 3) Uncover your true identity by deidentifying yourself from your possessions. It will be make you indestructible because nobody can strip away your identity. This is a profound wisdom. Thank you Dr Orion. People get depressed, angry, heartbroken, suicidal due to the foolish attachments of their possessions with their identity. This false attachment is source of human sufferings. That is one of the core teachings of Hindusim and Buddism.
Excellent! Something like that has been rattling around in my head for a while, particularly how so many people get upset about what someone says on social media. They apparently have some sort of identification with a concept then someone else disrespects that concept and it's taken personally. Also it annoys me that when you are trying to get something across to someone they take it personally, they don't disassociate themselves from it. It's so prevalent. Another point concerns attractive women who take their attractiveness as part of who they are, once they get older and loose that attractiveness where are they?
I agree with a lot of this, Dr Taraban. For example, I think what affected Michael Jackson toward the latter part of his life was the sense that he was no longer relevant and his identity as the megastar "King of Pop" was under threat. He wanted to be "Invincible" and "Unbreakable" as his last album inferred but reality was not what he wanted it to be (regardless of how great his music and artistry still was). This could be what Madonna is struggling with now as the ageing "Queen of Pop". I think the definition of identity is very broad but simple, although I partly agree with your assessment that it's what left after everything else is taken. This is evidenced in how our bodies age and mature, we lose baby teeth and our childish voices, then our skin's elasticiy and our hair, or at least its colour. However, I also think our identity is what we naturally are. If you're tall and insecure you won't make yourself feel secure by acting "short"; it's impossible. Also, as controversial as it is, I don't think we find ultimate peace or security in trying to identify as another ethnic group or gender because our bodies and subconscious will fight to go back to "factory settings". In this case a person will have to learn how to embrace their mascuine/feminine traits and Caucasian/African/Asian/Native etc. heritage in the best and healthiest manner without doing themselves physical and psychological harm.
You gave a perfect explanation of Anatta or no-self in Buddhism. I am very grateful. Maybe you speak a little bit to fast for such difficult concepts to grasp:)
Good points. As a believer in Jesus Christ my identity is in Him. That is the most important thing about me and cannot be taken away even and especially in death. And that is the ultimate win making me indestructible.
@@childfreesingleandatheist8899 We could say the same about the greek philosophers who lied in Antiquity and left us their teachings, like Zeno, Plato or Seneca. What proofs do we have of their existence ? The Principles they left for us are wise and good, whoever they might have been, whoever wrote the books which bear their names. But for the person of Jesus-Christ, it is essential to know that it is through Him, and Him only, that we can attain ever-lasting life. He inspired the birth of a new religion , a whole new civilization, and it is unlikely that a whole civilization would have merged from a non-existing founder. If the christians did not always applied His teachings, ( and I must say, almost never, apart from some truly faithfull people ), it doesn't mean that He did not exist and that His teachings are useless... It means that there is a long way to attain the level of greatness that He represents, and faith, love, knowledge, and all other qualities are necessary to overcome the obstacles on the road to salvation. Up to this day, aside from biblical texts, there are non-biblical and archeological proofs showing that Jesus existed, like the roman historian Tacitus, in his annals of Rome, book XV, chapter XLIV, p. 353, from whom, I quote : '' Christus put to death under the reign of emperor Tiberius, by the procurator of Judaea, Pontius Pilatus. The same has been reported by roman historian Suetonius, jewish historian Flavius Josephus and others. An official roman sign found in Israel in archeoligical searches, on which it is written PONTIUS PILATES, PRAEFECTUS JUDAEA is another proof that History and the Bible didn't lie.
Nobody asked Michael king if he identified with his imaginary friend Jesus, so his response was very fair. Everytime a theist claims God is a reasonable place for an atheist to remind them that they're wrong.
To take this even farther, it’s possible to disidentify from who you think you are - to see through the whole idea that there’s a you at all who could have anything or be anyone.
Splendid and substantial lecture! A reasonable and yet so difficult goal to aspire to and work on. In regards to material possessions mimimalism can help. In the past I was very attached to my possessions, until I discovered minimalism and declutterd almost everything, even items that had meant so much to me and with which I would have deemed it a sacrilege earlier. This process of deliberately letting go helped me immensely and brought me so much freedom. Material things don’t matter that much to me anymore, and I am so glad about this development, it’s highly liberating. Once you’ve gone through this, your whole mindset and perspective can change, with positive ripple effects on other realms, even immaterial ones. Identification with relationships is much harder for me to let go of. If you experience a sudden death or tragedy that takes a loved one out of your life out of the blue, it can turn your whole life upside down and change your outlook, where you don’t take loved ones living many more years to come for granted anymore. Do you have any recommendations on decline of civilisation? Albeit on a rational level I am aware of broader historical perspectives and that cultures come and go, it still affects me on an emotional level. It feels different if you have to experience this process yourself, are surrounded by it, live and in colour. You can‘t just watch it like a movie, but are part of it, and can only escape it so much. You can withdraw yourself from some of the insanity going on to a certain degree, if you avoid the news etc., but unless you move into the woods with loved ones and completely detach yourself from all elements of civilisation, you will always be impacted by it.
Decluttering is functionally a deidentification exercise. Most of the material possessions that take up space in our lives are there because of our emotional attachment to them -- over and above the value or functionality of the things themselves. The ability to cut those psychological attachments in smaller things is a precursor to bigger things. With respect to your question: the key is to be in the world, but not of the world. Easy to say, but hard to do. However, we know it's possible, as better people have lived through worse times. See my episode "The mastery of life."
There's a poem that states this ancient wisdom - This was very well explained and I certainly learned something well put !! from Desiderata - Max Erhmann Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
This is the most insightful video I have seen from you. Looking at this from a practical standpoint. People attach by nature. If I attach to the concept of something perfect and permanent (God) then I become indestructible. I don't think you can de-identify without some concept of God.
Exactly.... when you make yourself the center and meaning of your life, nobody can insult you by insulting the car you drive, or the clothing you wear.
Stoicism is more about controlling emotions. This seems much more about contextualizing your experience and identifying the difference between possessions/status/health and your attitude/skills/mindset
@@gumbilicious1Stoicism doesn't say to control emotions, because emotions can get uncontrollable sometimes. So stoicism says to accept them as it is and let it pass.
I believe we are the things we really love, and the things we really hate. This never changes, regardless of if our looks change, or if our mental / physical capabilities change, etc.
What you are describing is the difference between an adult and everyone else. What is your being, your identity is what you can take with you after you die. The rest is just spatial temporal sensory data. Finding who you ARE, for yourself, is truly greater than any or all possessions, because, in the end, who you ARE, your identity, is all you ever had. So, if you are still lost, still struggling with the harshness of this world’s reality, please find yourself and you will no longer worry about “things”; you will worry about enriching yourself via acknowledgement of you experiences (both good and bad), accepting responsibility for that past and making amends where amends can be achieved, and living your life such that your own mirror’s reflection makes you proud of what you see, your being that only you will ever really see or know (or that ever needs to). Great video.
This is the aspect of FIGHT CLUB (book/film) that resonated so much with me as a young man. DE-identifying with societal constructs that bind us to what Nietche described as slave morality.
This really helps me with the process of my eyes and hands failing me after 32 years if type 1 diabetes. I've always been known as the guy who can make or fix anything and separating myself from that identification is quite a wrestling match. Thanks.
Buddhist monks also use this system which makes them immune to a lot. Like their mindfulness practice where they label everything throughout the day. Perceive reality, but in its more simple form. Like lets say your boss is shouting at you, you can just note "hearing, hearing." Car cuts you off in traffic, you just label "seeing, seeing." Its not that you dont deal with the issue correctly, its just that you bring consciousness to it, and dont let yourself run away in painful thought and emotional patterns. Most stuff is hearing, feeling, seeing, thinking etc. We just build these big stories around things.
"Enjoy and appreciate them when you have them, and surrender them with love and gratitude when it's time to let go." What a great lesson. Thank you.
Agree. what a powerful statement
"Receive without pride, let go without attachment." Marcus Aurelius
Yes I agree....some people are not meant for us, some people are meant for us briefly, and we all are born alone and most of us will die alone, all by ourselves.
We all die alone. Death is a solitary action.
Be cold and arrogant all the time.
Episode 3.
Yoda: you must train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose.
Orion is on some next level Jedi mind shit😂
This is the blessing of being stripped of everything. Be it by disease, war, or divorce if you survive having everything taken from you, you will be indestructible. The hard part is letting it all go.
When I was going through the divorce, the demands kept getting larger and larger. I had a few fears: being homeless, losing everything I'd worked for, dying alone. One by one I had to face those fears and accept that I may have to go there. I cannot tell you the weight that lifted off my shoulders when I opened my hands and quit grasping at what I thought was important. The sense of self I have now is almost indescribable. I didn't lose all that, but holding it with an open hand, just like he states about the relationship, unloaded a lot of mental weight. Truly, it was a Blessing from above.
Very well said.❤
If you have nothing then nothing can be taken away. But no one can take away what's in your mind. This is the basic foundation of most Confucian belief systems; live a simple life and keep your thoughts in order.
Hey studies, I lost my home and all my vintage guitars and amps and 67,mint Ludwig drum kit.
I didn't think I could be inspired to play music without them.
But it's getting better, and I am excited about starting to play again anew with a more resilient outlook.
Not true. The poor people suffer the most.
Spoken like a true Stoic philosopher. Thanks, brother.
How do the stoics view Socrates?
@@celphdfined9298 As one who likely annoyed his wife. But more generally, probably in a positive light.
@@celphdfined9298 the Stoics were essentially descendents of the Platonic school, in my understanding.
@@celphdfined9298 Stoicism is a Socratic school of philosophy. Epictetus talks about Socrates as a role model.
They where never really yours just yours for now
I've been believing that when I fall in love again, I'll have joyful and relaxed sex again. I've been believing that when I have joyful and relaxed sex again, the person I love/have sex with will hold enormous power over me. I have both desired and feared this coming to pass. I have been believing that my identity and happiness as a man is foundationally dependent on regularly having joyful, relaxed sex.
This lesson on identity vs. possessions that you lovingly steward for a time before surrendering them back to the universe...this lesson on de-identifying from things I get to have for a time ...a dragonfly landing on my outstretched hand...this lesson is powerful medicine for me today.
Ive been benefitting from your work for months now. Thank you for your thoughtful, balanced commentary on living an examined life and facing reality.
Ive taught this to my wife and have been telling my clients/students the same.
Being a marine myself we are also taught this since day one of bootcamp. Civillians will call it "brainwash" but in truth its the raw perspective of how the real world works.
No one cares about what youve done, not even god. Its what are you doing now/still to be of use and to keep striving and of value to those around you.
Keep pushing out the content Dr.
The way I look at is if the military is going to take time to train people
to be strong tough even the best because there is competition with other soldiers country OFCOURSE its valuable “brainwashing” I say the same thing about cops most cops I see where I live are fit able to fight and able to shoot to kill whilst most civilians struggle to put down the cell phone …
yeah that's why you can still be convicted of murder years later, no one cares what youve done
Exactly
This was really the most insightful video I've heard in a long time. We define ourselves by material things, jobs, wealth, poverty, and people. These are not who we are, merely trappings. Thanks for this golden nugget of advice. So valuable.
Those are all external material things, but it takes serious introspective meditation to actually experience/observe the mind identifying with not only external things, but also internal and equally impermanent and essenceless things. Like thoughts, sensations, reactions and feelings. The definition of suffering. And directly experiencing them through sustained and correct onservation practices are the only way to allow the mind to break free of the habits of identification. Seeing behind the curtain breaks the illusion not just hearing about it, and seeing takes a lot of work and sitting with suffering in order to understand it. Which at first makes it feel like its magnifying the suffering, hence why most spend their whole life avoiding this essential work.
May all beings be free from Suffering.
This false attachment of posessions with identity is the source of human sufferings. That is one of the core teachings of Hindusim and Buddism.
So true... Hyper consumerism is the dearth of US society
Buddha 😊🙏🏻✨
its the bible, nobody reads though
I have dealt with great tragedies in my life. The longest was trying to find my daughter who had been abducted by my husband when she was 3 1/2 after he beat me and tried to kill me in 1982. With help from a good friend I realized I had control over how I reacted or the actions I take in any given situation. I focused on what I had and was grateful for such. I needed to be strong and prepared to be the mother my daughter needs when I found her. It took 21 years and 4 months to find my daughter.
I can relate.
My ex~wife kidnapped our daughter ... moved thousands of miles away ... and alienated her from her entire paternal side of the family tree for 13 years. Zero contact. Police did nothing. Even though they state that 'parental alienation' is a crime.
Stay 'strong' and good 🌅🤙
God bless you....
The reason why I identify so strongly with this monologue is because folks love “trash talking” about me to others, but hate that I don’t react to their nonsense!
I am *not* my past… I am indestructible.
👑
This guy is a genius.
I've thought some these thoughts in a jumbled sort of way but he lines it up perfectly and concisely.
Don’t attach to anything but do enjoy it when ever it is in your present..
This one was perfect for me. I was laid off from my job of 22 years along with hundreds of others. I am pretty alone in the world, no immediate family. I have friends, but really identified with my job/career as this has been a constant in my life for 42 years. I will get another job, But it is a loss. And I have been wondering about my value etc.
These moments are difficult. And they may ultimately conspire to move you in a much better direction. However, passing through them isn't easy.
I was looking for an example of this topic. Thank you.
in time you wilol see it as a blessing..every cloud has a silver lining
Right there with you Little Rose. Perfect timing for me, too. Just going through the loss of a 40 year marriage. I'd bden her mister since I was 19. And the finality was / is crushing at times. Learning to decouple from that lost relationship is the near objective. Working that out into other areas is the long term goal. I sure hope you are doing okay now.
@@stxrynn 40 years!!!!? Who in their right mind throws a 40 year relationship away?
This channel is the most enlightened psychology I've ever come across. I've always felt that in the future, there will be no psychologists, only spiritual teachers. The two will converge. This feels like the beginning of that.
I couldn't said it better myself. Beautiful.
@@ivanpetricevic3893to me his eyes have a similar appearance as what clairvoyants do. Perhaps it's a look of consciousness.
I don’t know because a Christian psychologist will be way different than a Hindu psychologist and an atheist psychologist. I mean they already have religious psychologists so I guess it’s already like that
The man is brilliant
It does seem like that.
When I retired I noticed an almost instantaneous change from "There`s our city manager" (my job), to "There's Duncan (my dog) and that fat old guy who walks him".
There are lots of people who sum up their whole identiy with politics, religion etc. From the time I was a little girl, it become clear to me that i'm nothing but pure consciousness ever eternal. But I do want to enjoy my body and the physically world while i'm in it. Haha!
An insight from Maria Elena!
You do realize that your statement about pure consciousness is itself a religious statement/assertion. Which in turn has intrinsic political overtones. Just saying the obvious.
@meerkat1954 No, because I'm not saying their is a God. I'm saying that regardless of anyone belief system, this is the nature of things.
@@meerkat1954 consciousness can be spiritual and not just based in religion. I find religion to be more dogmatic and not so free flowing, consciousness is just awareness and can be applied and used towards anything.
@@PharmacyTechLabs you do realize statimg thwre is a God can also be the nature of things right? Your statement asaumes that God or the idea of God is not natural.
"The Path to indestructibility is basically the process of systematically deidentifying from that which you falsely and unconsciously identified with sometime in your past."
This is the Way
Loved it! TY Orion. Indestructible is the way!
"...they inappropriately identify with external reality." Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. This is exactly what the great spiritual traditions have been saying all along. It's good to see that a psychologist understands this. Identity is not just in the material world, but it's grounded in the spiritual non-physical world as well.
What do you mean by "non-physical world"?
@@SisypheanRoller If someone called you a giraffe you wouldn't be insulted because you know in your heart, in your non-physical world, you are not a giraffe. The goal is to feel indifferent towards any demeaning comment about you.
Job 1:21 (KJV) And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
❤
Definitely a huge message. I always knew I would loose my good looks and body if I lived long enough. And I lived long enough. What a horribly shallow thing to miss so terribly. (Probably a symptom of our shallow society). I only knew my grandparents in their old age and alway thought of them as beautiful, because they were beautiful people inside. This definitely helped.
It’s hard to see people for what they are instead of how they look. It took till I was about 30 to really see past peoples exteriors. It reminds me of the movie “Shallow Hal” ugh
I see this in my corporate life. You get people who become their job and title. Then they get depressed the day they get laid off, and they can no longer be that person they loved.
That's rooted in stoicism: Do not say of anything “I have lost it,” but rather, “I have given it back.” Has your wife died? You have given her back. Has your child died? You have given him back. Have you lost your home? You have given it back. “But,” you may retort, “a bad person took it.” It is not your concern by what means something returns to the Source from which it came. For as long as the Source entrusts something to your hands, treat it as something borrowed, like a traveller at an inn." - Epictetus
What you said about holding these things lightly, not clinging and grasping to desperately hold on really resonated with me. We must learn to gracefully surrender to the inevitable losses of life but remain grateful for our true essence, the only thing we can never truly lose.
Yes. These losses lead up to the inevitable, death.
Orion summarizes attachment theory but explains things so well and puts things in such a positive light. These short form videos are pure gold! Thank you!
I read something similar in a Buddhist book. It was said that since everything changes with time, clinging to a fixed image will only lead to unnecessary pain.
Nice to see something similar on the psychology channel.
What is the name of that book?
This video is a snapshot of my life over the past 6 years, and you nailed it again Doctor. I lost everything, attempted suicide twice, 1st on April 8, 2019, and again on October 30, 2020, awoke at 4:20 the next morning and said aloud softly, how I am still here? Voluntarily committed myself to a 10 day Psyche Evaluation on November 3, 2020, and was put on 50mg of Sertraline. lived in a garage for 11 months, froze at night, but revolutionized and rehabilitated my creative ability in Photoshop after working on extremely high end advertising digital campaigns, and Fortune 500 Annual Reports since 1983. Now that my personal torturers, my father, my two older brothers, my ex-wife, and her oil commodities brother from Texas were all out of my life forever, I rebounded and ascended dramatically. You are not your things, your reputation, your wealth, or your social media coverage, but who you are at the core of your being. The people that helped me ascend back into being a creative juggernaut were my fellow felon inmates, drug dealers, drug users, thieves, child support law breakers, and detention officers, probation officers, definitely not what one would expect. By Doctor they gave me respect, kindness, friendship, affirmation, and dignity that my own wealthy family, and my ex-wife's family ruthlessly and emotionally tortured from me for 65 years. Both highly religious families detested my drive, intellect, incredible creative ability because I was driven form the age of 4 to be extraordinary, and not just a median go along to get along Christian. to both families eviscerated by the Great Depression and made wholly dysfunctional, to aspire to be the best, surpassed by no one was a mortal sin, and they could not torture that out of me. so now 8 days into my 70 year I am doing the best, most creative, and trailblazing work of my entire life. So yes, if those around you can't take from your core, the things that can not be taken away by anyone, you can become indestructible. Now this next point is critical, kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, and respect for all empowers me in ways you would find hard to imagine. I have found that for me personally, there is a direct Karmic link between breakthroughs in creativity, knowledge, and deep historical insights and the concepts of equanimity, and thoughtfulness that can not be overstated. You Sir are Brilliant, and I appreciate what you are doing more than you will ever know, you're that good. A word to the wise, live in equanimity, and thoughtfulness all your days.
That is an amazing story. Thanks for sharing.
I understand you very well.I have the same life.Everything was taken from me by my"loving family".An advice for young generations : Never ever trust your parents,family or wife.This is the route to hell.
Woah thanks for sharing this
@@RedEyeificationyes. There is a scripture in the Bible that stated in a time of judgment, not to even trust the beloved wife of your bosom, mother father, chikdren. Neighbors. 2 Timothy 3;1-5.
All people are sinners and are capable of treacherous behavior
Religion doesn't stop that. It's what is in the heart.
@@BUBBLESPOGO You're absolutely right.
This is what the Buddhist call non attachment. Thank you for teaching this critically important subject in such a clear and concise manner. I am currently in the midst of a divorce (17 years and two kids) and every video I have seen of yours resonates with my experience in dealing with life and especially relationships with women. Your videos have been a blessing to me and countless others. Thank you and keep up the great work! 🙏🏽
Jesus talks about this at the sermon of the mount and other passages.
After a terrible event in my life I felt emotionally trapped in the memory of it. The moment played on a loop in my head for months on end and I couldn't escape. It was hell. Then I found a great therapist who educated me on deidentification and EMDR. He helped me to break free of the ugly emotional cycle. Now the terrible moment is simply part of my past but doesn't define me at all. There is no emotional trigger. I am forever grateful. Life is beautiful.
Can u tell me what EMDR stands for.
@@BUBBLESPOGO What is EMDR therapy? Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is a mental health treatment technique. This method involves moving your eyes a specific way while you process traumatic memories. EMDR's goal is to help you heal from trauma or other distressing life experiences
When I get upset about anything, getting older, people calling me grandma or other rude stuff, I say to myself: 'It's just my ego talking.' Sometimes when people get very sick they say: 'Why me?'. Why not? It's just your ego talking. So I turn off my ego. It really works.
This concept of deidentification is the basis of stoicism. Thanks for the explanation Dr.
When happiness is your ultimate goal in life, you'll fail, you'll fall, you'll suffer tremendously and unnecessarily.
Thank you. 🙏🏻This acceptance is an integral part of aging & maturing. I am learning to accept & let go of that which will be gone with time anyway , and it has made me somewhat more patient, somewhat less anxious , and somewhat more accepting of shortcomings in others , as I am coming face to face with my increasingly longer list of limitations, that come inevitably with age.
Well said. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks! Keep speaking this wisdom. Your reputation will grow, but ultimately the truth of who you really are is all that actually matters.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
This is from one of my favorite books, Man’s search for meaning.
Even that ability to choose is dependent on brain function, chemical, hormone, and neurotransmitter availability, etc..
I'm not sure how to reconcile choice with biology.
@@someguyusa Well, in its definitive form that's true, being alive or dead is a matter of biology, let's say that if one dies, one ceases to be (at least that's what seems to happen) .. the problem with using that frame, that is, analyzing how to live our life from that perspective, is that it leads, from my perspective, to a fatalism that ultimately leads to nihilism .. what is most important, at least to me, is how we live our life while we are ..
Empirically, through the trials and errors of our countless ancestors, it was found that the best way to live is by cultivating our agency (agency: purposeful self-control, a purpose over which we also have control) ..
The different traditions reflect that, but the one that shows it most clearly to me (even though I am a Christian), is the Buddhist one .. in that tradition, suffering (Dukkha) is a consequence of losing our agency .. and all of us, to a greater or lesser extent, are able to train ourselves (for example by practicing contemplative meditation, or contemplative practices) in order to achieve, as far as possible, that agency ..
Of course, if I suffer a stroke tomorrow, I won't have the same skills as today, but those skills that I have left will be my tools to continue cultivating my agency .. that is, as long as I am, there will always be something left of me that will give me, if I use it, the possibility of cultivating my agency (the Free Will of Christians) .. and when there is nothing left of who I am, either by death or a total degeneration (for example biological, such as Alzheimer's, total insanity, etc.), well, in that case I am no longer, why worry?
I would recommend you to watch in YT the series "Awakening from the Meaning Crisis" from the Professor John Vervaeke, it is wonderful.
@@huveja9799 Thank you for the thoughtful response. I used to struggle with nihilism a lot, especially post military initially. Now I have a better perspective that is similar to what you described.
That said, when considering how free will or choice works with biological systems, I’m still not sure how to parse it out. Practically speaking it’s not a big deal for my day to day, but when we look at things on a societal level or when making laws, then I think it’s more important for the sake of finding the most fair policies and actions. Good talk, friend.
@@someguyusa I am very glad that my comment has served you, when I read your comment, I saw a reflection of myself but a few years younger, where I had the same kind of thoughts as you, although I had not gone through the military experience (which is close to me by family and friends, but I do not have direct experience).
Science is a wonderful tool, but at the same time, misused, it can do a lot of harm, and part of that misuse is trying to use Science as a mechanism to provide meaning to our life. It is true that it can inform the tools we use to try to live a meaningful life, but it is not capable of providing meaning, and like it or not, we need meaning as much as we need bread (I suspect that's what Christ meant when he told us that "man does not live by bread alone").
Now the only way to acquire that meaning is through practice (and the discipline necessary for that practice), it is impossible to acquire it in a theoretical way, that's what I learned (to my initial surprise), once I started practicing, my mind was transforming, slowly (don't expect anything miraculous because it's a chain of thousands of small successive steps), but undoubtedly changing.
Of course, I didn't achieve that alone either, I was lucky enough to find a context that gave me the necessary support to grow the necessary forces, which admittedly were in me but nevertheless needed the external "rain" to sprout them.
I guess that's what we have to "preach" in society (please, don't take "preaching" literally, I already told you that I'm a Christian and I practice it, but I usually recommend contemplative practices with a good teacher), that people must take responsibility for their lives and focus their attention on how to live that life.
That's why I'm sharing this with you, because I know it works, and when I read your words, I see myself ..
This is lowkey one of the most profound clips on youtube...I wonder who else realizes this. Thanks Doc!
Now I finally understand what I’m not, but I still don’t quite understand what I am..
Excellent advice. I also want to thank you for keeping the videos easily mentally digestible and not long exhausting diatribes filled with puff.
“All of life is suffering. We suffer because we have attachments” - Buddha
The classic (in diguise) Mind-Body Cartesian duality, yet clearly superseed by most of 20th century philosophy & neuroscience. The "indestructible" aspiration is rooted in fear, being destructible (& mortal) is essential of the human condition and the unique greatness of the Human as a species, not a sign of decay or rot. To truly master yourself, embrace your fragility & when for Whom The Bells Toll, with easy and grace just say "goodbye, my honor my pleasure, thank you".
Feel it. For a long time i identified with my job: I "am a webdesigner". Everytime there was a problem with my work, I made that problem to a problem "I had", to a problem that "I am" This got even to the point of me having panik attacks everytime something needed to be changed (which is normal in my job). I though, that "I" messed up. But then I started to think "I am not a webdesigner, I just do webdesign". Its not what I am, its what I just do. And my reaction to the same sh*t got waaay smaller. So thank you for expaining it in other words. It all makes sense.
Sorry this is long folks...My first lesson was in OCS. They mentally break you down, over and over again, using fatigue and little sleep. (I can honestly say I hallucinated on the 4th day of sleep deprivation). OCS is different from regular basic or other schools, because they can do WHATEVER they want to you! There are no real rules except, not to kill you. I came out of that experience mentally hard as a rock. Secondly I worked in a jail. Convicts will do and say anything to get your attention, you learn to let things roll right off your back. I also learned that institutional "rules" or codes really don't matter in the end. If they want to hire someone, contract someone or assign you double workloads, they can do it...that also means that when people tell you NO, that is not correct. THERE IS ALWAYS AN ALTERNATIVE! They just don't have a reason or the motivation to respond to your request. I've seen administrators literally move mountains to make something happen when properly motivated (usually allowing them to think that they will get credit for something big/innovative while you have the hidden evidence in your email that it was all you...:).
Later when I divorced, my ex-wife knew me well (I'm a psychologist also), and she knew EXACTLY which triggers and buttons to push to get me to say or behave (likely for the purpose of secretly recording me during the divorce and custody actions). My very wise lawyer, pointed out that ANYTHING my ex said, was not necessarily what the law and the judge would agree with. The only reason that I "reflexively" listened to her was because we were partners for 10+ years). My ex's opinion (and ability to trigger me) went right out the window.
I learned to respond with three things to EVERYONE PROBLEMATIC IN LIFE!!!.
1. IF it may have merit..."I'll have to carefully consider that and get back to you."
2. You definitely don't agree..."I'm afraid I don't agree and we'll have to have that decided by a neutral party", and
3. If its nasty and you simply want to drive them INSANE!..."I'm not sure what to think of that...hmm." (stare as if they are speaking another language.) I truly found that by providing a non-answer to an adversary leaves them speechless, and since they didn't get the response they wanted, they become frustrated themselves. Since you don't respond either positively or negatively they will eventually obsess about your thoughts, intentions and purposes. I found they will attempt to PROJECT whatever "pre-framed" ideas they had onto your answers...without you saying another word.
Sorry this is so long. Just had my share of nasty people in my life and I had to come to peace with how I dealt with them. I am the rock in the stream and I let trivial things flow around and past me until the disappear out of sight. Ask yourself, "will I really care about this in five years?"
***Orion...I love your work. if you'd like to confer/discuss sometime as professionals (APA and toxic masculinity??) leave a reply to this comment and I will contact you through our professional channels and use linked-in. I'm a CA. psychologist also, I'm sure I can find you via our associations. I also work with mostly male adults. AS you know, I have to use a pseudonym to avoid being Doxxed as a professional male in today's atmosphere. Thanks for being brave.
@@macumezahn sorry what is OCS? officer cadet school in sg?
The kind of 'unidentification' (Liberation) you're talking about here doesn't tend to happen without undertaking serious and at first very challenging introspective self observation techniques. May all beings find their own true path to discovering the ultimate truths of their suffering and be free of it 🌳💜
The is the most important advice I have ever gotten in my life. It has done more for me than years of psychotherapy and antidepressants.
Don't undermine the work you did in therapy, because that all preceded you receiving this advice and had you been given this advice a little earlier, it could've had a completely different effect on you.
Through introspection into the working of one's own mind, it becomes apparent we are not even the authors of "our" own thoughts. Ultimately, you could say what we are at the fundamental level is not a thing, but a pattern - like the word "whirlpool". When the water stops moving, the whirlpool disappears. A whirlpool is a pattern, not a thing. If I can be ok with that, then I am really indestructible. Thank you!
Well said.
Man I really needed to hear this. On some level I'm sure that I know that I will not always have what I have now. But the problem is identifying the things I have as me. Thanks for clearing this up. I really appreciate it. I think I can live a better life now as weird as that sounds.
Great video, thanks brother. Reminds me of this great piece of advice; never attach your identity or self worth to anything you have or want. Being smart, funny, rich, good looking, etc all are fleeting and transient, instead focus on the the fact that you are the observer and the learner. Being able to take this moment in and reflect on it, learn from it, and then make changes to your life as you see fit. always learning, always growing. As Navy Seals say, never out of the fight.
Sometimes things are taken from you that you never even knew could be taken. It feels like the ground has gone from under your feet.
Thank you. This might be my biggest problem in my life and have caused me incredible psychological pain as I have identified completely with my job and marriage to the extent that any slight to that will become an enormous personal attack. You are 100% right and I will have to start the process of de-identifying with that. Not sure how but I will have to start and succeed or it will destroy me. Thanks again for the enormous insight.
Why is this guy so underrated? He is truly a good source of information, on his niech. Thanks man. Maybe you are not underrated and maybe I just felt that way. But you have my respect and trust. Long live.
This is so appropriate for my life right now. I appreciate. The way you explain the topics you cover.
Pure Stoicism!! I love it! Just this morning I was speaking with a friend and told her, “ In a very real sense I feel invulnerable. Someone can certainly harm me, But they cannot hurt me.”
Love your channel.. Blend of psychology & philosophy 😊
The same principles that Zeno and Seneca taught us, thousands of years ago. Thank you for reminding it to us.
I subconsciously did this very thing over the last few years. Somehow I shed my old skin for a new one, transforming into a simpler being. Letting go of ego. Letting go.
I bet you've won best essay at least once in your student life. 😂 Your analogies are so vivid and apt. Your ideas are on point. Bravo!
This is how i live since over 22 years, thank you for confirming that i'm doing the right thing.
Very well said and so absolutely true! The whole of life becomes an act of letting go. The important thing is go with the flow when its time.
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To be indestructible, you must first understand how you are destructible. From a psychological perspective, you are destructible when you inappropriately identify with external reality. This basically means that you conflate what you have with who you are. This is dangerous, as any threat to a possession with which you are identified will be experienced psychologically as a threat on your essential being. However, if you can identify yourself with your self, then who can have power over you? I'll explain more in this episode.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
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What do you do if you identify as a human being and then become a cyborg? Basically, what do I do if I lose my humanity? Would I not mean anything anymore?
hope you don’t mind but this video leads me to ask do you believe in god or are you religious at all? i identify as an atheist after having done a really deep dive into anthropology. everything i’ve read leads me back to this point of having no identity outside of just being. still i cling onto parts of the identity i am familiar with because i literally have no idea what else to do or who else to be.
for ex i have moments of really bad road rage. thanks to your video i realize it’s because i see my car as an intricate part of my identity because it’s my lifeline so when people pull out in front of me, ride my ass, or anything that can potentially hurt my car - i get really angry because it does feel like a personal attack.
today i thought to myself what do i really want in this situation… like what’s the real issue (literally mid road rage episode) and i said to myself i wish i didn’t have to commute 45 mins back and forth to work & i wish i didn’t have the burden of even having a car & paying for gas, insurance, and CONSTANT REPAIRS. ramblings but your videos really make me think Dr. O’Ryan.
Thanks
Question here!
In short, our identity should not be misinterpreted as what we have, such as our jobs. Therefore, drop the possessions we have from our identity, and what our identity is left with is ____. What is this blank?? Is this our personality? Our philosophy of life? If a religious person, then our selfless love for God?
Thanks from Mexico! You're the best.
Köszönjük!
Learn to accept the things you cannot change, and change the things that you can. I recently went through a hard breakup with a woman who seemed like the one but turned out to be toxic. Saddened by this, I wrote down what I could change and what I could not in my current circumstances. Less than a month later, I was hired by a great company to do what I love, and doubled my income.
Great words of wisdom. I guess if my mailbox was destroyed my though process would be #1 how and by whom. #2 was it on purpose to "send a message" or just an accident.
Thank you for this deep insight❤️ I’ve been on a journey of self discovery and self love for about a year, and one thing I remind myself of is to let go of resentment. It goes in line with what your saying to appreciate what you have and treat things lightly. Awesome video!
this is your best video bro. this is how you achieve complete resilience in a chaotic world. It's the most amazing feeling in life
Humility, smart intelligence, power, care ,this man is admirable... thank you.
Understanding what needs to be done in order to achieve this kind of mindset is both liberating and heartbreakingly sad at the same time.
Summary:
1) Identity is what you are, not what you have. If something can be taken, it is not you. It is what you have.
2) People falsely identify themselves with their possessions and feel destroyed when the possessions are lost.
3) Uncover your true identity by deidentifying yourself from your possessions. It will be make you indestructible because nobody can strip away your identity.
This is a profound wisdom. Thank you Dr Orion.
People get depressed, angry, heartbroken, suicidal due to the foolish attachments of their possessions with their identity. This false attachment is source of human sufferings. That is one of the core teachings of Hindusim and Buddism.
So much value in all your videos
Outstanding, thoughtful assessment! Thank you!
Wow... you are a gifted communicator. thank you for your videos. They are incredibly helpful in my life
Reality check for those who grow. Amazing. Much appreciated.
Your every video teaches something new. Thank you for giving this information
Very nice name, lol.
Dr O ain't just pushing out watchable content. He's pushing out rewatchable content. Next level value.
Your approach is so logical! Amazing!
This is the best RUclips channel
Excellent! Something like that has been rattling around in my head for a while, particularly how so many people get upset about what someone says on social media. They apparently have some sort of identification with a concept then someone else disrespects that concept and it's taken personally. Also it annoys me that when you are trying to get something across to someone they take it personally, they don't disassociate themselves from it. It's so prevalent. Another point concerns attractive women who take their attractiveness as part of who they are, once they get older and loose that attractiveness where are they?
Terima kasih.
I agree with a lot of this, Dr Taraban. For example, I think what affected Michael Jackson toward the latter part of his life was the sense that he was no longer relevant and his identity as the megastar "King of Pop" was under threat. He wanted to be "Invincible" and "Unbreakable" as his last album inferred but reality was not what he wanted it to be (regardless of how great his music and artistry still was). This could be what Madonna is struggling with now as the ageing "Queen of Pop".
I think the definition of identity is very broad but simple, although I partly agree with your assessment that it's what left after everything else is taken. This is evidenced in how our bodies age and mature, we lose baby teeth and our childish voices, then our skin's elasticiy and our hair, or at least its colour. However, I also think our identity is what we naturally are. If you're tall and insecure you won't make yourself feel secure by acting "short"; it's impossible. Also, as controversial as it is, I don't think we find ultimate peace or security in trying to identify as another ethnic group or gender because our bodies and subconscious will fight to go back to "factory settings". In this case a person will have to learn how to embrace their mascuine/feminine traits and Caucasian/African/Asian/Native etc. heritage in the best and healthiest manner without doing themselves physical and psychological harm.
You gave a perfect explanation of Anatta or no-self in Buddhism. I am very grateful. Maybe you speak a little bit to fast for such difficult concepts to grasp:)
Good points. As a believer in Jesus Christ my identity is in Him. That is the most important thing about me and cannot be taken away even and especially in death. And that is the ultimate win making me indestructible.
You can believe in Jesus Christ all you want and feel indestructible. But that doesn’t mean he exists or that people resurrect.
@@childfreesingleandatheist8899 We could say the same about the greek philosophers who lied in Antiquity and left us their teachings, like Zeno, Plato or Seneca. What proofs do we have of their existence ? The Principles they left for us are wise and good, whoever they might have been, whoever wrote the books which bear their names. But for the person of Jesus-Christ, it is essential to know that it is through Him, and Him only, that we can attain ever-lasting life. He inspired the birth of a new religion , a whole new civilization, and it is unlikely that a whole civilization would have merged from a non-existing founder. If the christians did not always applied His teachings, ( and I must say, almost never, apart from some truly faithfull people ), it doesn't mean that He did not exist and that His teachings are useless... It means that there is a long way to attain the level of greatness that He represents, and faith, love, knowledge, and all other qualities are necessary to overcome the obstacles on the road to salvation.
Up to this day, aside from biblical texts, there are non-biblical and archeological proofs showing that Jesus existed, like the roman historian Tacitus, in his annals of Rome, book XV, chapter XLIV, p. 353, from whom, I quote :
'' Christus put to death under the reign of emperor Tiberius, by the procurator of Judaea, Pontius Pilatus. The same has been reported by roman historian Suetonius, jewish historian Flavius Josephus and others. An official roman sign found in Israel in archeoligical searches, on which it is written PONTIUS PILATES, PRAEFECTUS JUDAEA is another proof that History and the Bible didn't lie.
@@childfreesingleandatheist8899 Your identity is clearly atheism. You would even contest a persons crutch lol.
@@childfreesingleandatheist8899ok....
Nobody asked Michael king if he identified with his imaginary friend Jesus, so his response was very fair. Everytime a theist claims God is a reasonable place for an atheist to remind them that they're wrong.
To take this even farther, it’s possible to disidentify from who you think you are - to see through the whole idea that there’s a you at all who could have anything or be anyone.
Zeno and Epictetus would approve
These videos are so good. Very insightful and present a new perspective. Highly recommend
Splendid and substantial lecture! A reasonable and yet so difficult goal to aspire to and work on.
In regards to material possessions mimimalism can help. In the past I was very attached to my possessions, until I discovered minimalism and declutterd almost everything, even items that had meant so much to me and with which I would have deemed it a sacrilege earlier. This process of deliberately letting go helped me immensely and brought me so much freedom. Material things don’t matter that much to me anymore, and I am so glad about this development, it’s highly liberating. Once you’ve gone through this, your whole mindset and perspective can change, with positive ripple effects on other realms, even immaterial ones.
Identification with relationships is much harder for me to let go of. If you experience a sudden death or tragedy that takes a loved one out of your life out of the blue, it can turn your whole life upside down and change your outlook, where you don’t take loved ones living many more years to come for granted anymore.
Do you have any recommendations on decline of civilisation? Albeit on a rational level I am aware of broader historical perspectives and that cultures come and go, it still affects me on an emotional level. It feels different if you have to experience this process yourself, are surrounded by it, live and in colour. You can‘t just watch it like a movie, but are part of it, and can only escape it so much. You can withdraw yourself from some of the insanity going on to a certain degree, if you avoid the news etc., but unless you move into the woods with loved ones and completely detach yourself from all elements of civilisation, you will always be impacted by it.
Decluttering is functionally a deidentification exercise. Most of the material possessions that take up space in our lives are there because of our emotional attachment to them -- over and above the value or functionality of the things themselves. The ability to cut those psychological attachments in smaller things is a precursor to bigger things.
With respect to your question: the key is to be in the world, but not of the world. Easy to say, but hard to do. However, we know it's possible, as better people have lived through worse times. See my episode "The mastery of life."
this man is incredibly open-minded.
There's a poem that states this ancient wisdom - This was very well explained and I certainly learned something well put !!
from Desiderata - Max Erhmann
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
This is the most insightful video I have seen from you. Looking at this from a practical standpoint. People attach by nature. If I attach to the concept of something perfect and permanent (God) then I become indestructible. I don't think you can de-identify without some concept of God.
Absolutely agree with you on that brother, there's definitely something greater than us out there!
@@ephemeralbeauty4008 I'd say in there..
My goodness. Shut up dude, you can be indestructible without some fake sky daddy.
Great advice. In Buddhism, we learn to dispel illusions like these. This is such a good, digestible presentation.
Exactly.... when you make yourself the center and meaning of your life, nobody can insult you by insulting the car you drive, or the clothing you wear.
Instructions unclear: I told my girlfriend she's a mailbox... and now I have no girlfriend and my mailbox is broken.
😂😂😂😂
🤣
Sharing this with my 12 yo daughter. She asked me a question the other day, and this video is the answer.
Sounds a lot like stoicism, or am i wrong?
@@volkerw. This is much deeper. This is Advait Vedanta.
Stoicism is more about controlling emotions. This seems much more about contextualizing your experience and identifying the difference between possessions/status/health and your attitude/skills/mindset
@@gumbilicious1Stoicism doesn't say to control emotions, because emotions can get uncontrollable sometimes. So stoicism says to accept them as it is and let it pass.
@@nandhakishor103 fair enough
@@volkerw. plain reality
I believe we are the things we really love, and the things we really hate. This never changes, regardless of if our looks change, or if our mental / physical capabilities change, etc.
Instead of a mailbox, it is your child. Instead of anger it is grief. How indestructible are you now?
I’m reminded of the song, It is well.
What you are describing is the difference between an adult and everyone else. What is your being, your identity is what you can take with you after you die. The rest is just spatial temporal sensory data. Finding who you ARE, for yourself, is truly greater than any or all possessions, because, in the end, who you ARE, your identity, is all you ever had. So, if you are still lost, still struggling with the harshness of this world’s reality, please find yourself and you will no longer worry about “things”; you will worry about enriching yourself via acknowledgement of you experiences (both good and bad), accepting responsibility for that past and making amends where amends can be achieved, and living your life such that your own mirror’s reflection makes you proud of what you see, your being that only you will ever really see or know (or that ever needs to).
Great video.
This is the aspect of FIGHT CLUB (book/film) that resonated so much with me as a young man.
DE-identifying with societal constructs that bind us to what Nietche described as slave morality.
This really helps me with the process of my eyes and hands failing me after 32 years if type 1 diabetes. I've always been known as the guy who can make or fix anything and separating myself from that identification is quite a wrestling match. Thanks.
Thanks!
Buddhist monks also use this system which makes them immune to a lot. Like their mindfulness practice where they label everything throughout the day. Perceive reality, but in its more simple form. Like lets say your boss is shouting at you, you can just note "hearing, hearing." Car cuts you off in traffic, you just label "seeing, seeing." Its not that you dont deal with the issue correctly, its just that you bring consciousness to it, and dont let yourself run away in painful thought and emotional patterns. Most stuff is hearing, feeling, seeing, thinking etc. We just build these big stories around things.
Jesus talks about this extensively.