Fear of Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
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- Опубликовано: 13 июл 2024
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Fear of Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) loom larger than gains, meaning that people by nature are aversive to losses. Loss aversion in behavioral economics refers to a phenomenon where a real or potential loss is perceived by individuals as psychologically or emotionally more severe than an equivalent gain. For instance, the pain of losing $100 is often far greater than the joy gained in finding the same amount.
How about in relationships, loss of a partner is more intense than the joy of having them close. Loss aversion gets stronger as the stakes of a gamble or choice grow larger. Prospect theory and utility theory follow and allow the person to feel regret and anticipated disappointment for that said gamble, which BPD turn on you. This causes a spin, perhaps a downward spiral.
this resonates with me heavily. i am constantly finding myself so scared of losing people, that i sometimes self-sabotage and leave them first. it’s like i always know it’s gonna come to that point eventually so why not do it myself now… the worst part is, when i’m alone i feel empty, like i NEED someone to fill that void inside me, but at the same time when i meet someone new i need a guarantee that they won’t abandon me. it’s so hard 😣
Know what you mean. Used to enjoy alone time but it’s not as much fun as I made it before. You don’t have to push people away unless they’ve hurt your feelings; it’s okay to let yourself be loved sometimes
I have abandoned SO many people just to avoid them leaving me.
The fear of abandonment is my number one BPD issue.
I hope you find it helpful :)
@@DrDanielFox normally I would write ✍️ this in private but you are so good in what you do you deserve the recognition, I have suffered from BPD for the last ten years and whilst we are lucky here in the Uk 🇬🇧 to get free health care the funding for mental health is at an all time low however I have been working with MIND a mental health charity who are brilliant helping where they can and also watching all of your videos servals times you became my online guru for my BPD, I have learnt so much and am now training to become a Mental health peer support worker so thank you for all the help you have given me and many more besides, thank you 🙏
Same here :/
The fear of abandonment is a Major constituent in my life. I'm always scared of people leaving, either by their own will or by some twisted fate.
It’s very hard to deal with. I hope you find the video helpful.
@@DrDanielFox Thankyou doctor ❤️
My dad died when I was 5. Growing up, I was always worried my teachers/other adults in my life were going to die
It's so hard to enjoy being with someone when the idea of impending doom lingering. Even if there is no reason to be afraid of losing them. My FP has been my friend for 10 years and sometimes I forget to have fun with him because I'm afraid of losing him.
I struggle with keeping friend groups because I definitely see the huge loss and impact much more than the gain of companionship or time together. I've also come to see sorta that I just self-sabotage those relationships early on so that the friend groups simply just don't have to deal with my "toxic" personality anymore.
Insight is key
I think most people are pretty toxic & don’t know how to handle their own feelings let alone be around someone who is authentic ab how they feel 24/7
Often the fear of abandonment comes from real abandonment, looking forward to this video.
Especially if the real abandonment either occurred severely and early in life, and/or there has been repeated abandonment.
It's like; hurt people, (will) hurt people.
OMG YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY LIFE!! I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT THERE WAS A NAME FOR HOW IVE BEEN STRUGGLING! 😲😮🤯 Holy crap
Without a solid sense of self, I can't feel I'll be okay without others.
We come with nothing and leave with nothing.
Knowing that and having the same basis diagnosis if your here, then we know that we do rely on others for validation, but i think we should challenge ourselves to don't our DBT. IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
Even when your familiar with pbd it can be very difficult to avoid compassion fatigue when in a relationship with someone suffering front the disorder. This channel helps me combat that effect. Thx doc. 👍
I know what you’re talking about and I think that it’s important for us to have awareness when we do experience compassion fatigue and always continue to do the best we can while taking care of ourselves. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox thank you, Dr. Mad respect to you. 🖖
in a few months all my friends are going to be leaving town, and my brain has translated that into leaving me. i can’t stop them from going but thank you dr fox, i’ll try to remember to cherish the time they have left
This really confirms so much. I've been seeing this in me more now and you explained it well. Sometimes I would sit back and let myself feel those feelings of abandonment and loss and work through them by journaling. That's when it dawn's on me that there is a reason and it's not because they don't love me anymore. It's because change is happening for them. I realize people come and go in my life and instead of feeling the loss, I believe the cycle will repeat itself and I will be okay with it.
Thank you for sharing.. ❤️
@@L4LA0412 my pleasure. Hope it helped.
@@ramonaklassen9280 i trust it's help me... My method is journaling too, but you remind me to learn to stay and watch carefully what arose in my heads. Cause sometimes i just ran away 🤣 scared it will be unbearable and afraid that it can turn me on into a jerk mode unintentionally ✌️😁
@@L4LA0412 today As I was walking home from my chiropractor, a thought came to mind and I felt some emotion behind it coming on. I had to tell myself, nope not going there. When I got home I journaled and now that those thoughts are out and on paper, I knew that one day when I reread my journal, I will see the tiny victory I had today. I'm happy to have shared with you.
If you've BPD and can read this with some lvl of acknowledgement then you maybe ready for healing and self recovery, else, living in a fear n victim mode will keep attracting the same reality of 'no one loves me'...
"I Hate you, Don't leave me"( sounds familiar?) ... has destroyed relationships for BPDs. The Fear OA makes them non committal with 'one step always out of the door' and even if they do manage a relation it's not a matter of time that bpds self sabotage with withdrawl n avoidance... 'how can it be so perfect, whats wrong here'? ..kind of doubts. Deep down they do not consider themselves worthy of ANY love. So .....let they run before someone leaves them.
One way to overcome fear is to expose yourself to it...Bpds overcontrol situations to avoid pain at any cost...let it come, face it n feel the pain. Then what will be your control will be the reaction to it, which is what you lost in the past/ childhood...which put you in a vulnerable spot. Its not the fear of abandonment but the fear of not being able to do something abt it that chains you down.
EXTREMELY TOUGH but the shotest cut to overcome fear n change the trajectory once for all.
This is very real in my life. I have such a negative outlook and mistrust due to my BPD lens. But I'm shifting my outlook and trying to see the positives in every situation. Thank you so much for these valuable tips Dr. Fox!!
Thank you for being so humorous! It really makes the hardship your discussing easier to think about and tackle!
your workbook is precious gift for me cause i have borderline personality disorder.This disease destroyed my life,i took 4 times suicidal attempt and i was admitted in ICU i didn’t know about borderline. when i went to Canada in 2019 i ordered this book from Amazon then i read it and i trying to follow all of your instructions it help to reform my life.Thanks a lot sir.
LOVE you from Bangladesh.
It took me some time to see how fear of abandonment was always under the surface and the trigger of my ex's irrational anger and behaviors. It manifests by her checking your phone and computer, anger over you missing their phone call, walking away from an argument. Showing up at your job or house in the middle of the night, constantly asking about past relationships. Fear of abandonment can be disabling.
I’m finding it hard to go through the day without getting that reassurance from my loved ones or family. It’s like i need to know that yes they are here in order for me to fully face the day, for me to have that motivation, or whatever you wanna call it. I can try and be positive and optimistic, so as to prepare myself for that ‘thing that eventually will happen’ but when someone is ready to leave me, i am the first to break down and cry. I wish i wasn’t so difficult to love, i wish i don’t feel things as deeply as i do, i wish i don’t have all these traits that people find to be suffocating 😔
Same here 😭
Rest assured that Ur not the only one.. now only I come to know about what exactly I'm..till now it is really hell that feels like I'm the one who is not normal n everyone seemed ok..that's very painful even to share with others coz of misunderstanding n again rejection..I always keep myself detached with humans than before they go away from me. We can really cope up with this when we more attached ourselves to non human things like reading books, having some good habbies which motivates us positively, having pets, caring them, gardening, associating ourself with good people, making friends who are humourous in nature, entertaining ourself with music n dance, taking new challenges n work, always keeping ourself busy with something without thinking whether it benefits or not, doing the things which keeps us happier though it's small..these are some of the things among others will certainly feel good n motivated with the any mental conditions. I have done n find happiness in it..but now again experiencing the same bad things n aggravated BPD symptoms just coz I stopped doing all above things n thought of associating myself with people 😔
I totally agree with thinking positively about yourself because I have MS and it's hard to believe what I can and can't do. I used to be able to do a whole lot more than I can do nowadays but I stopped and to look at the stuff that I can do and it made me feel a lot better so I agree with what you are saying wholeheartedly
My mom had MS for 32 years. She was diagnosed when I was 2. She always felt as if she would have been a better mom if she hadn't had MS and she couldn't have been further from the truth. Every single one of my favorite memories wouldn't exist if she hadn't had MS. The time my brother lost control going downhill in her wheelchair and screamed like a little girl as he zoomed by, he was 18 btw haha the time my dad was giving her a piggy back ride, like always, but fell and after getting back on to his back they were laughing so hard my mom literally peed her pants/down my dads back 🤣 Her MS taught me acceptance, empathy, compassion, love, generosity, respect and made me a better person. I only ever wished my mom didnt have MS for her sake, so she could have a better life. My life was already perfect and my mom was perfect to me. I never thought "gah i wish my mom could walk so she could take me shopping" or anything like that. Not once was her MS ever a burden to me. She was a phenomenal person who was always in high spirits even during the last 13 years when she was fully quadriplegic. She was and will always be my hero. She was my everything. The only thing better than having her as a mom was having her as a grandmother. She was the best grandmother to my daughter's. Please dont ever feel like you're less than you use to be because of your MS because what you slowly lack physically you gain mentally and emotionally. No my mom couldn't walk but she was ALWAYS there for us and we never took a single moment for granted. In my opinion my moms MS made her a superhero, it was a strength, not a weakness. She had primary progressive MS and she always found a silver lining, always found the fun in the bad. I remember the first time she ever had to use a scooter at a store, we were at Walmart back in the late 90s and she was nervous and embarrassed about it when all of a sudden i looked up and my dad was in a scooter pulling up beside her scooter asking if she wanted to race. We spent 30 mins in the parking lot racing the scooters haha 😄 it was so much fun. She use to always say "MS is really getting on my nerves" and we knew it was her way of venting with humor. Anytime you find yourself struggling try my moms mantra/pun "ms is getting on my nerves" and see if it helps ease the tension for you like it did for us.
Wishing you the best!! You can do this!
Oh Dr Fox - I’ve been living this intensely for a decade & i appreciate you identifying it so clearly. It’s reduced my friendship group to the bare bare minimum. Loss aversion: an absolutely exact description. I’ve mastered living in seclusion now I so want to unlearn that
BEST THERAPY YET!!! and have had BPD for few years.
Thank you Dr Fox!.🙏
Thanks
I listened to this because a friend got diagnosed with BPD but I think the positive outlook was great for me to hear as well, I think we could all learn from that.
Dr. Fox's channel has been a huge blessing to my recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. 😍
I feel like I'm on the verge of understanding this, but it's still blurry to me. Thank you Dr. Fox for helping me figure this stuff out.
Just challenge your negative thoughts.
Example: I'm ugly today
Where's the facts: has someone told you this! Is it true?? Is it your lens? You might feel bad, but look fine. Does that make sense?
@@Shortkonner Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. I do the valid facts and invalid facts thing and it does work, but sometimes I don't know that I need to do it. I'm making new discoveries every day, so I'll get there :)
This was a really helpful video Dr. Fox! Definitely an enormous component of my BPD and I will have to watch this video multiple times to really gather and digest all the morsels. Seems like growing up with some negative influences makes it hard to unlearn that which has come to be so automatic. Man, I am hard on myself. Awesome reminder. Thanks!
These videos are saving lives thank you for making them 💗
Thank you so much, Dr. Fox! I needed to hear this. I appreciate everything you do for us. 💚
The fear of abandonment is a self fulfilling prophecy, I have been so scared of losing the people in my life I go to extreme measures to keep them (why all BPD people are people pleasers). It has lead to extreme sadness and even to people being scared of me, or taking complete advantage of me, I hate it. I want to change
It's tough dealing with the fear of abandonment, but recognizing it is the first step towards making positive changes.
I’m very thankful for this video right now. Perfect timing
Thank you Thank you Dr. Fox. What a timely video. Just when I was at the verge of brooding a perceived abandonment…this came as a spark of hope 🙏🏻💕💕
Your channel has helped me learn so much about myself and learn how to cope with my bpd that I found ways to challenge it. Looking back I see my progress! I still have a long way to go but I’m getting better everyday with your advice from your videos. Thank you so much!
Hi Dr. Fox. I told my therapy doctor about you last week 😁 I really appreciate your videos, very helpful and friendly. Thank you!
Thank you Dr. Fox. This was helpful.
I have had to listen the your video over and over--I love your humor and the valuable information.
Thanks Dr Fox, really appreciate all the optimism u give us. It keeps me going some days
I just purchased your BPD work book and I find it so informative and helpful. I am going to reccomend it to my mental health support group. Thank you.
I needed to hear this video - it hits me right where I am in life right now! Thank you so much!
You are the absolute best online PhD...wow, so grateful for you....thanks so much for giving us scapegoats (borderlines) the strength & awareness in telling us that we're not broken because we are gaslit by everyone close. You are incredible...such a breath of fresh air. We no longer have to carry the burden of guilt & shame from toxic abusers...we are free of that. We are only responsible for ourselves & our own reactions.
Thanks for this content. Loss aversion has definitely been my experience. Over the past year this channel has helped me to grow better. As a result of that growth, I now see myself as having a Borderline Personality. Period. I try each day to be the best person that I can be given the personality that I have. I recently got fired from my job because I expressed myself inappropriately in the workplace. Lesson learned. Now I am more vigilant to live with the positive and negative aspects of my personality and treat any disorderly expressions that occur. Have a great day! 👍 Daniel E Staub
Man, you got into me. I loudly say thank you, after every piece of your preciously insightful talks. You connect on an emotional level and your honest desire to really help, shines through. I can not thank you enough for what you add to many lives. I got your Workbook yesterday. I was grateful while I was reading it, as perusing any form of BPD related therapy is not an option where I live, and deep understandable non-academic resources are scares. Sharing your being in such manner is generous. Creating these contents is a sample of true philanthropy.
I needed this so badly thank u
Best video ever, it makes me see my BPD diferently
Thanks again Dr.Fox. For the hand puppets- they were needed today - and the Dad humor. Always for the Dad humor. 😂😊
Ps. I see your RUclips plaque 😉😊
Congratulations 🎉🎊🎈🍾
This was a really significant and beautifully articulated internal experience that I think I was too afraid to parse out and bring into the light( or my BPD traits were afraid). I appreciate how you separate the individual from the disorder, and emphasize the space between the Self and the difficult perceptions/ thinking that emanates from these disordered aspects of our personality structure.
I am thankful that you have students that will experience your humor, vast knowledge and empathy when treating persons with PDs. I still hope one day that the language used to diagnose and describe these experiences becomes a little less stigmatizing and alienating- especially when there is more evidence to suggest a physiological and neurological difference... I have always been resistant to the classification of personality disorders- it feels ( for me) such a personal attack on your very being.
Sorry I have rambled a long ways from the admiration of your hand puppet talents🤦🏽♀️
Thank you Dr. Fox and for everyone watching- be safe and don’t give up!!
DR FOX IS AN ABSOLUT BOSS
Just bought your BPD workbook and really appreciate your videos. Great tone for tough topics.
Thank you for the support and I hope it helps you grow and learn about yourself. Be well and stay strong.
I really needed to hear this thank you sir 🙏
Thank you Dr Fox!! Your bpd workbook and these videos have been helping me in the last years so much.
Glad you like them!
i cannot describe how much of my life has changed. thank you for these videos.
Thank you for your kind words. Be well and stay safe
Incredible video as per usual, Dr. Fox. This video needs millions of views. Much love from Appalachia. You’re changing people’s lives on AND offline.
That's so kind of you to say. Be well.
Thank you man for all these information so value and so real thank you ..and yes this have been very positive for me ..🙏💪💪
My pleasure!!
Thank you for your videos, some have been very helpful for me, like this one on catastrophizing, and all the relationship implications that goes with it... I think it would be interesting if someday you will talk about misunderstandings, the inability to react to it properly, and the maladaptive habit of letting go misunderstandings (what some may actually feel inside) not explaining or collecting thoughts effectively in order to manifest and to observe the misunderstanding world outside you, feeling that you cannot change it while you are just blind and not attentive to yourself when you let go and don't see those kind of things that will trigger things inside you many times without you noticing it. Thank you again.
Amazing video my friend!The way you talk serious but Optimistic is really awesome
Thank you! Be well.
Superb. THANK you!
This is so helpful. God bless you
I'm so grateful for your videos. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and a few other things but was given 0 information about it. Your vids have helped me find a sense of peace and has helped immensely in how I treat and view myself! Thank you!
I’m so glad they’re helpful for you. I wish you well.
Please keep this channel up forever
I'm so glad this channel is helpful for you. I wish you well.
You are sooo generous with all the knowledge you have (which is a lot) and i admire that so much. I´m so happy there´s actual good information about BPD which is often ignored or stigmatised. THANK YOU
So nice of you
Thank you Sir! I am learning to understand this new diagnosis and appreciate you taking the time to help all of us dealing with this. I often wonder how different my life would have been 30 years ago had I known this was what was going on with me.
You’re welcome. Be well.
Thank you for this video! It helped a lot. I love the concept of focusing on one positive thing
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you, it helps alot
I like this one. Thanks doc.
Your videos have helped me so much. My sister has bpd and my counselor thinks I do too and my mother thinks she does too. It has helped me gain a lot of sympathy and love towards my mother. Thankful for your channel.
I’m so glad it’s helpful. Be well.
wow so spot on its surreal , I've isolated for over a decade after a series of events that came very close to making me cross a line that can never be uncrossed, so maybe its better this way
Love the hand puppets and the duck donuts T - another great video. Thanks so much for covering this.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Now that I'm 70, I don't care much about abandonment anymore. I guess my worries have shifted to how long are my knees going to hold out and am I going to be senile by 77?! But I appreciate the encouragement to stay positive!
Brilliant as usual. Thank you 🙏
You're very welcome
I’ve been watching Your videos for few years and they really saved me. First they gave me an answers to what is going on with me. That gave me the strength and faith to find solutions, go to therapy, get help so I can walk babe steps to a full life. and I come back to the videos to see how much I’ve grown, how much I love my self and good to my self today, how much fear doesn’t have a hold on me..and how much I know my buttons, know my self. throw your videos I began finding my self my hole self that is not defined by BPD because I am the boss of me. Thank you!
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Oh my gosh. I am so hopeful and optimistic because I have found you. NOW, finally, my whole life begins to make sense. I feel as if someone understands me! I am beginning to understand why my life has been so confusing and painful. Thank you so very much!
You’re welcome. Glad it’s helpful.
Bless you
I love that you’re on Tik Tok now ! I can’t explain how much you’ve helped me with overcoming this BPD struggle . Thank you for everything Doc.
Maybe get off tic toc will help
So, so good. Thank you!
I’m glad you liked it and thank you for the comment!
This is… I have been isolating myself for the past 3 years because I just can’t handle being around people because if I make friends, they will leave me like everyone in the past… so I rather be alone and lonely 😒😒😒😒😒
Same here it's shit
HAHA DR. FOX, IM ADDING YOU ON TIKTOK, I WISH YOU WOULD MAKE THE DANCES! HAHAHA
thanks for this video, I watch all of them and they really help, in some way you're my therapist too !
I hope I can get your book soon, I'm from Argentina.
Greetings and thank you again for all your work to helps us FOLKS ! (I love when u call us that hahaha)
god bless you for this video❤
This is so true.
DR FOX MY MAN love you brother GOD BLESS
THANK YOU FOR EXISTING
Glad it was helpful!
The little dance 10/10. Also love this video and the mindset that you are talking about ::))
Thank you
Dear dr Fox! I am from Croatia in Europe. In our country we haven't profesional doctors for this disorder. I have BPD and i now how is difficult lives with this. I leern day by day about myself and my disorder from yours lesen.
You help me so much, thank you!
Sorry for my english!
Thanks Dr Fox i needed this pep talk lol
Reminder set... this one is perfect for me!
I hope you find it helpful :)
@@DrDanielFox your videos have helped me a lot!
I’ve been in a war that I did not create, it is that optimism that keeps me going. Your video is highly informative and appreciated, keep on dancing in the moonlight 😁
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Amazing man thankyou 🙏
You’re very welcome and I’m glad that you found the video helpful.
Thank u so much ❤️
I needed to hear this
awosome advice .
Thank you.
You're welcome!
Thank you so much Dr. Fox for making videos I wish we could clone you so you can provide in person therapy for everyone with BPD 😃
Thank you very much for your comment! I wish you all the best.
Great advice. Sometimes, I don't have energy to be positive, if people don't support what I want to do. But, I agree we must hold onto something positive!!!
Work on making that optimism internal instead of being dependent on external validation and approval.
I see the fear of abandonment paired with the fear of death. Death is a kind of abandonment, but its both a fear of other's death and your own. A lot of the obsessive behaviors and up being around cleaning and eating as part of fears around health.
thank you!
You’re welcome ☺️
Thank you Dr. This helped me a lot. I feel empty most all the time, ide rather be alone than deal with abandonment again
Hard cost and balance ratio. I wish you well.
Thank you. Even more value after therapy has ended
I’m so glad it’s helpful.
Can you do (have you done?) a video on managing BPD when you're physically ill or have a lot of stress or stuff going on, please?
I do really well now managing my BPD day to day but watching this I realised the reason it gets so much worse when I'm physically sick or I have a lot going on in life is because I no longer have the energy or brain space to make those consistent choices to challenge the BPD thoughts and stuff.
I'm doing my level best. 🐱👍 Your videos help
Thanks again Dr Fox, my biggest fear is perceived rejection and I tend to go overboard with this technique on people I really like.. So instead of focusing my attention on their positivites, I should focus it on my own positives to build more resilience, confidence and optimism?
Sounds a A bit like splitting yourself towards the bright side instead of someone else for a change😁
You are one of my favorite people!! Oh geezz, not like my bpd favorite person lol
And omg doc cnt wait for ure tiktoks!!
I try and have hope but it always makes me have these crashes when things don’t turn out the way I thought they would, I don’t know what to do anymore
I love this analogy. So helpful and so relatable. Ofc these feelings of scarcity and loss aversion ruling decisions about among friends. Aversion of loss over the gains and benefits of making new friends. Gah Even though I’ve learnt this I didn’t think of it this way 🥳
I’m so glad the video was helpful. Be well