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1. The fear of being exposed. 2. The fear of losing control of their image. 3. Criticism or fear of humiliation. Status is important for them. They have an allergy to vulnerability. 4. They fear being rejected. 5. They fear process. What’s going on between you two. Not the content. They fear about what’s going on. They want to argue not analyse. 6. They are afraid of low anxiety in others. They control by keeping everyone’s anxiety high around them. Low anxiety means you are in control. 7. Your Willingness and being intentional will drive them crazy. 8. They are afraid of playfulness or a lack of over seriousness. ( sigh ) Their over seriousness is designed to enmesh us with them. 9. They fear being left alone and feeling non significant. They need emotional supply.
they fear being REJECTED: but ruin Every single Family event. Meet my cousin 'W'- 5 years she writes me ' I miss you Carol!" ( if you say Hello Windy; she will stab You, socially!!
My mother would verbally attack me and if I didn’t respond or react she would say I don’t care with my nonchalant attitude, but then if I started speaking up and saying something back then she would say I’m so disrespectful. So then I would ask her what do she want from me to be quite or to say something then she would say I got a smart ass mouth… it took me almost 40 years to realize my reality and our relationship. I finally just walked away
Thank You!!! My mom says, " We'll figure it out." and I say, "No, my husband and I will figure it out and we'll let you know what we decide. " "You are you, and I am me." When I say that, I feel like I'm being mean. I'm aware of our toxic relationship , but she's not. She won't let me go. You are talking about my mom to a tee.
That's my mom too. She contributed to the demise of my marriage, but I blame myself because I had no boundaries and she over involved herself with everything. If I asked her to back off she'd get defensive and pouty. If I told her not to do something, she'd do it anyway and then get mad at me for not being grateful. And I think she was happy that my marriage failed so that she would remain relevant. She uses money to try to control. And she does it all under a guise of generosity and selflessness when really it's all about her. She uses my kids as a way to insert herself in my life. And then talks badly about me to them. It's so toxic. I couldn't imagine ever treating my kids the way she treats me.
This is my mother and me, too. She has said that anything that affects one of her children (we're all middle-aged adults) is "her business." Looking back at what I think I know about her upbringing, I'm pretty sure her father was a malignant narcissist. This was a revelation to me because as his grandchildren, I was aware that in his eyes, we could do no wrong. I would have called that love 10 years ago, because he definitely secured a very beneficial financial situation for the entire family. But now I know he treated my grandmother very cruelly and was a very emotionally abusive father with absolutely no personal friendships and who used money to control his family and others. My mother's job, until she married and even afterward, was to manage her younger sister who was definitely intellectually challenged (which was never acknowledged constructively by my grandparents) extremely rebellious, sexually promiscuous (shameful and shocking in 1950s small-town Oklahoma). She was held responsible for "Cindy's" self-destructive behavior while my grandparents enabled it financially and looked the other way until there were consequences, including pregnancies with random men and drunk driving accidents. I can't imagine this wasn't decisive in forming my mother's self-image, and is probably why she believes she has felt it approrpiate to manipulate me,, her only daughter, well into adulthood. The day I told her, at age 56, that I wasn't a reflection of her and her conduct wasn't a reflection of me, I saw panic and confusion on her face. It simply didn't compute. Likewise, when I told her I wasn't responsible for her feelings or conduct, and that I, not she, was 100% responsible for my feelings and conduct, I saw the same panic and confusion. That conversation occurred after she'd verbally abused and mocked me, completely unprovoked, at a large family gathering in front of others. When she "apologized" (in private, of course) she said, "I'm sorry I made you angry earlier." First, I had very consciously refrained from reacting to her insults and waited until someone else finally interjected and diverted her from me. I waited until an opportunity to leave the room presented itself and exited; I did not give any emotional reaction at all to her or anyone else. Second, I noticed for the very first time how manipulative her "apology" was. If I'd simply accepted it, I would not only concede that she had the power to "make me angry", but I'd also accept that she wasn't apologizing for anything she'd actually done. It was like recognizing that my mother was an alien, a foreign person who was comfortable unapologetically hurting me and my family, but who was uncomfortable not knowing whether she'd wounded me as intended. Instead of accepting her words as usual. I told her she hadn't made me angry at all. She'd merely expressed her very low opinion of me and my family, which I hadn't fully been aware of before. I said I disagreed with her opinion, but I respected her right to hold it, and I wasn't angry about it. She looked at her toes while physically backed out of the laundry room where she'd cornered me. She turned and walked off, muttering that she had a headache and was going to bed. She didn't speak to me for the rest of that holiday week. I learned later that she went around to everyone else in the house, telling them that I was so furious with her that I wouldn't speak to her! These people are broken and damaged facades of human beings. If they can get you to function at a purely emotional level - emoting, explaining how you feel about their conduct, reacting with smiles, laughter, angry words, or tears - they're in the driver's seat, setting up the next opportunity to manipulate you. If, on the other hand, you become a detached, fact-based, emotionless person who provides only facts and absolutely no view of your internal emotions, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, ideas, etc. to them, they are absolutely lost at sea. They have nothing at all with which to steer and manipulate you, especially if you are indifferent to their jabs and insults. It's not a half-way proposition. You cannot let them know anything about your moods, triumphs, disappointments, etc. and this is very hard when you've believed they actually cared about you as a person. But once you truly accept that sharing all of that personal, intimate information had, for them, only one function - ammunition to manipulate you - it's easier to remember to keep yourself to yourself for your own protection.
@@eurokay4755 thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like your aunt may have suffered from BPD. I have many of the traits myself. Our family is dysfunctional also. Apparently my mom's mom was narcissistic and used to bait my grandfather into fights. He died from a heart attack before I was born. My mom baits me also. One time my car got stuck in the snow on my way home from work and my mom called me and asked me why I wasn't home. She then insisted on picking me up and literally screamed at me on the ride home telling me what a terrible mother I am and then told me to stop screaming at her, I hadn't even raised my voice at all. Just so many instances of things like that. I got so used to it that I thought it was normal. And I can't even tell you how many times she betrayed my trust and told family members of my personal struggles, but made it all about her. It's a lot to forgive and overcome.
@@higherlove8886 I've decided the whole "forgive" thing is kind of irrelevant. I think the only duty you have is to treat everyone, including yourself, with respect. That means that you have to limit contact with people who have shown they cannot respect you. Their reasons for being unable to be respectful of you are their own. "You don't need to understand a tornado. You just need to know where it is." Your job is to understand that they disdain you and to not give them space or material to disrespect you. This is actually respectful of them because, although they would fight you on this, their treatment of you lowers THEM, not you. If no contact is the only way to prevent that, then no contact is best for both of you. I maintain some contact with strict boundaries, and it's worth it to me to ensure neglect Mom's physical safety and security. Emotionally, I'm internally off limits. Nothing she spits out gets past my ears, certainly not into my heart or thought processes. I'm indifferent to her gripes about me and her gossip about others, which is largely why she gripes about me. You see the juvenile, arrested-develooment cycle. Consider that opting out of the intergenerational cycle of narcissistic abuse is a good way to honor your mom and the rest of your family as teachers: they taught you what not ever to accept in others or yourself. And move in without regret..
This was my Mom 2 a T.. she was a very good narcissist!! And I was in a codependent family trance! I lived in that water too long! But I heard a voice .. Jerry’s voice speaking TRUTH! Thank you for helping us all learn who we really are! Ever grateful to your ambition to help others get out of the web of dysfunction!
Hi Jerry, Im 25 years old and have recently moved to Mexico to be closer to my boyfriends family. In the time that I have been here, the distance has made me analyze my relationship with my parents. I had been really struggling and my boyfriend suggested your videos. I just want to say, your wisdom has helped me so much in navigating how to have a balanced relationship with my parents and to also let go of thoughts and conditioning that has plagued me my entire life. Thank you❤️
Funny, I had to move from Mexico to Australia. My husband always knew how messed my family was and I didn’t see it. He never suggested any videos or any other back up materials so that just made me think he was jealous of how much my mum “loved” me. Took me a long time to get here.
It is so obvious to anyone who knows these things, that I grew up with narcissists. I have this persona that I can't seem to get rid of, like eg. I have to feel anxious and behave anxious when speaking to someone who may be in a superior position, when in fact I don't even actually feel anxious! I feel like I have to behave this way, no doubt bc dad liked it that way. Made me feel safe when dad was in a good mood... It's like a habit, I can't shake it off, and I'm 40 years old. I still try to work on myself, but it's like, there are so many holes, so much to do, still.
I'm nearly 50 & worked in mental health for 25 years, I've known so many people from all walks of life, different cultures & belief systems, socioeconomic statuses- I have seen & heard some things, but the singleminded selfishness & fantasy lands of narcs still take my breath away. Especially the "spiritual" or religious ones lol just, wow. Educating those who still have human qualities like empathy is the best we can do: keep fighting the good fight, Jerry 🙏🤍
Thanks for your comment and yep that ideally is not what being "spiritual" means by almost every definition. Thanks for your carrer path too, I have been in therapy for a couple disorders and have dealt with Narcs/BPD in family & associates. It is disturbing, and can of course be dangerous to be involved with said, I've arrived to realize through treatment that the only answer is to focus on your own health/progress... and get away from such.
The religious ones are the worst they are demons acting like angels cause they use the word god and light Up candles in front of u to show u how much they believe and it is all a lie
❤Thank you Jerry for your most kind & generous sharing of this enlightening & helpful video that I have just listened to. I am hereby sharing my freshly prepared 'Study Notes' - with 'TIMESTAMPS' of the '9 Things' - using that 'Maia2009' has kindly shared a year ago, 1. The fear of Being Exposed. (2:17) 2. The fear of Losing Control of their Image & other people’s perception of it (hence their pathological need of one-upmanship, etc.). (3:37) 3. Criticism or Fear of Humiliation. Status is important for them. They have an allergy to Vulnerability. (5:15) Narcissists will take the first step to humiliate others before others have a chance to humiliate them. 4. They fear Being Rejected. (5:40) 5. Narcissists love or want to ‘Argue’ not to ‘Analyse’. (7:37) They fear ‘Process’. They prefer to focus on the Content (The Argument - Issues & Problems). ‘Process’ is what is going on - like the narcissist gas-lighting or shouting at you. Narcissists are ‘Linear Thinkers’ and do not like ‘The Process’ (Problem-Solving). 6. They are afraid of CALMNESS or ‘Low Anxiety’ in others. They thrive on Reactivity & Automatic Triggers in Relationships. They control others by keeping everyone’s anxiety high around them. Low Anxiety means you are ‘In Control’. (11:48) 7. Your ‘Wilfulness’ and ‘Being Intentional’ will drive them crazy. (13:12) 8. They are afraid of Playfulness or a lack of ‘Over-Seriousness’. (14:13) The narcissist’s ‘Over-Seriousness’ is designed to Enmesh us with them by being ‘over-serious’ about them. They prefer unquestioning compliance of others and narcissists do not take responsibility of their attitudes, behaviours, actions, etc. 9. They fear being Left Alone and feeling Non-Significant. They need constant Narcissistic/Emotional Supplies or Adulation. (17:29)
One guaranteed way to seriously enrage them was to be happy, or relaxed. I was so happy to "abandon" them, as soon as I possibly could. They were hell to each other and to us kids. And thought that they were great.
Very insightful! They are overserious. I know I'm not a narcissist because I enjoy being goofy and having fun! I have a light heart. Thanks again for the words of wisdom!
My father was an alcoholic/drug abusing primary narcistic sociopath, i.e. a criminal and abuser. My sister is attempting to emulate my father who never gave her attention in order feel connection to our late father. The behavior is just as extreme and very dangerous, i.e. death threats and violence. It seem that environment and genetics contribute to narcistic behavior. I can't deal with my sister while caring for my mother full time and cut her completely out of my life. I just can't deal with her insanity and drunkenness. Thanks for the help Jerry.
I have encountered many narcissistic people in my personal life and I've often been totally confused. This video I'll listen to a few times. Thank you.
Even more disturbing if they feel at times exposed and vunerable to you (me) for whatever reason... and tell you they feel crazy sometimes... that is just a creepy psyco situation. In my case they quickly revert to classic kickback hate. Even to point of incorporating admitting feeling bad to you... I have been in therapy for my own Borderline disorder and I see parallels, but the Narccist I'm involved with is relentless... and *any kind of distancing indeed trigger a much larger and more creepy reaction... That is my experience. They also can demand or creepily insist that even in light of all other evidence that you somehow agree with them. I'm in therapy for problems I recognize, they don't believe in problems and will attack and feed off of any reality... so yes, fears. The only answer is to get away from them in general. "No matter what the issue is", in indeed in fact feed and want to look abused and and standing up for yourself results in "You are absurd and being mean to me". Not a solveable puzzle in almost every instance and you cannot argue crazy w/ crazy... and they can be very dangerous depending combining desire to bait and how much self pity they can incorporate...
This video is a wealth of wisdom from Mr. Wise! The part about about low-anxiety individuals and how the high-conflict/high controllers are very uncomfortable around them was on point! In my family system, as a keen observer, I sensed many of these fears in my parents and also with coworkers in the workplace, but I believed my perceptions were off. So much gaslighting diminished my trust in my intuition. Thank you very much for the validation.
Great content bro! I started a diet two months ago, set a fixed time to go to sleep every night and got a hometrainer and I already lost 16 pounds and feel much better!
Detached, neutral or self differentiated- that’s fascinating. Process vs Content such an interesting point. “Yelling at me must stop…” Thanks for explaining how they want to keep you in an anxious state. That’s interesting.
Used to have anxiety attacks - which I could not pinpoint the cause of. My Husband used to make me lie down and count slowly to see if it would calm me down. Most of my anxiety evolved to show that him and his parents - were the cause. ;)
OMG...I've just learned a few new things about what's going on between me and my narcissistic sister that I hadn't heard articulated in quite this way. There's something realy wonderful about the way you describe these "processes". Many youtubers who discuss narcissism seem to be catering to our need to have our anger and pain validated by focusing on the "behaviours" of the narcissist...and then stop there. Do you do individual counseling online? I feel like you're just the type of help I need. It just hit me that my sister has ALWAYS been triggered whenever I'm calm/happy/at peace....and always seems very peaceful and smug and happy when I'm "on edge"....and it also just hit me that THIS may be the "real" reason she always manages to fabricate a grievance or a problem out of thin air just before any family gathering. Just by noticing/recognizing this, I feel a little more sane...
After I filed for divorce....Judge gave me the house. For a year....he refused to move out. He would always make threats to "Get rid of me"..."lock me up somewhere". He hated to see me feel peaceful and calm....he would do something mean or cruel to make me upset....then he would Whistle as if 'making me upset made him very happy'.
This is terrifying. It's describing all (3) of my remaining family of origin, all older than me. Why do I have to be the only one of us who can see it, and the only one with no resources that might allow me to escape that family? Discovering all this at 60 as a result of a complete collapse in my own life and finding myself in need of support has been terrible. I'm glad you are here to explain it Jerry, but it's still the scariest thing I've ever had to face. They are such raging bullies. I have to develop my self-differentiation, but I can't imagine how I will be able to do that without support.
The point about over seriousness was very perceptive. I experience weaponised pomposity on a daily basis. Someone who uses condescension, admonishing and nit picking of any small factual slip up as a dagger. He is very ready to sneer at others but incapable of ever laughing WITH others or laughing at his own failings. Exhausting, tedious but now radical acceptance of his abnormality and an exit plan. Thank you for another excellent video. 😊
As soon as i get any hint someone is a narcissistic i leave. Ive spent to many years dealing with these unhealthy people from my parents, siblings, children, boyfriends, friends etc. Im done
If at all you can get away from them you must... or be so well educated on them IF you have to be around them... when you critize them you will realize you have no idea who this person is.. once you see them rage from simply having been told the truth about their behavior
When I first started listening to you a few days ago, it sounded like you were talking about my narcissistic family becasue of my reactive habitual behavior , mirroring and retaliation compulsion I attack back and now I'm the narcissist on a kamikaze mission no a flying a bowing without map. LOL
Jerry thank you for your very helpful , high quality information videos. You present in such a clear way. I jsaw a reply you made to another comment with the link to make a donation. Just to let people know it’s very straight forward and can be done as a one off.
I would go to the front page of my you tube channel jerrywiserelationship systems you tube There should be a subscribe button there Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
The gfear of process- dear lawd do i know that one... Myself and my Narc spent of 3.5 hrs replaying a scenario that had happened... A statement was made in a manor he left laughing & smiling with.. Only to be distraught and upset with it only a meer hour later as he suddenly felt as if I was trying control him and that he had the right to change his mind. He continually argued the process over and over but never once acknowledged the manor in which the content was delivered in. Only became hyper focused on 3 words that were said.... I was emotionally exhausted that day. Gah I have so many stories of him refusing to acknowledge the process its creates a whirlwind in my mind... Im currently in tue silence/discard phase and its heart breaking cause this person is my son.
You sound like a hurt narcissist… he said that one of the things they don’t like. Yet somehow out of all the things he said, you try to undermine his message with that one thing… Exposed!😂
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👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼
➡FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!" jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
🆘FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment join.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
🔥🔥🔥 6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self! program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
1. The fear of being exposed.
2. The fear of losing control of their image.
3. Criticism or fear of humiliation. Status is important for them. They have an allergy to vulnerability.
4. They fear being rejected.
5. They fear process. What’s going on between you two. Not the content. They fear about what’s going on. They want to argue not analyse.
6. They are afraid of low anxiety in others. They control by keeping everyone’s anxiety high around them. Low anxiety means you are in control.
7. Your Willingness and being intentional will drive them crazy.
8. They are afraid of playfulness or a lack of over seriousness. ( sigh )
Their over seriousness is designed to enmesh us with them.
9. They fear being left alone and feeling non significant. They need emotional supply.
Thanks very much for posting the list here. 💙🧡❤️💜💚
Thank you. 2nd excellent list I’ve seen that you have made and shared.
Much appreciated
Thank you 🌷
they fear being REJECTED: but ruin Every single Family event. Meet my cousin 'W'- 5 years she writes me ' I miss you Carol!" ( if you say Hello Windy; she will stab You, socially!!
1 The truth
2 The truth
3 The truth
4 The truth
And so on!
It’s that simple.
So if you are just calm you’re already threatening to them
Yep. My dad hates it when I am calm despite his bullying.
My mother would verbally attack me and if I didn’t respond or react she would say I don’t care with my nonchalant attitude, but then if I started speaking up and saying something back then she would say I’m so disrespectful. So then I would ask her what do she want from me to be quite or to say something then she would say I got a smart ass mouth… it took me almost 40 years to realize my reality and our relationship. I finally just walked away
Thank You!!! My mom says, " We'll figure it out." and I say, "No, my husband and I will figure it out and we'll let you know what we decide. " "You are you, and I am me." When I say that, I feel like I'm being mean. I'm aware of our toxic relationship , but she's not. She won't let me go. You are talking about my mom to a tee.
That's my mom too. She contributed to the demise of my marriage, but I blame myself because I had no boundaries and she over involved herself with everything. If I asked her to back off she'd get defensive and pouty. If I told her not to do something, she'd do it anyway and then get mad at me for not being grateful. And I think she was happy that my marriage failed so that she would remain relevant. She uses money to try to control. And she does it all under a guise of generosity and selflessness when really it's all about her. She uses my kids as a way to insert herself in my life. And then talks badly about me to them. It's so toxic. I couldn't imagine ever treating my kids the way she treats me.
This is my mother and me, too. She has said that anything that affects one of her children (we're all middle-aged adults) is "her business."
Looking back at what I think I know about her upbringing, I'm pretty sure her father was a malignant narcissist. This was a revelation to me because as his grandchildren, I was aware that in his eyes, we could do no wrong. I would have called that love 10 years ago, because he definitely secured a very beneficial financial situation for the entire family. But now I know he treated my grandmother very cruelly and was a very emotionally abusive father with absolutely no personal friendships and who used money to control his family and others. My mother's job, until she married and even afterward, was to manage her younger sister who was definitely intellectually challenged (which was never acknowledged constructively by my grandparents) extremely rebellious, sexually promiscuous (shameful and shocking in 1950s small-town Oklahoma). She was held responsible for "Cindy's" self-destructive behavior while my grandparents enabled it financially and looked the other way until there were consequences, including pregnancies with random men and drunk driving accidents. I can't imagine this wasn't decisive in forming my mother's self-image, and is probably why she believes she has felt it approrpiate to manipulate me,, her only daughter, well into adulthood.
The day I told her, at age 56, that I wasn't a reflection of her and her conduct wasn't a reflection of me, I saw panic and confusion on her face. It simply didn't compute.
Likewise, when I told her I wasn't responsible for her feelings or conduct, and that I, not she, was 100% responsible for my feelings and conduct, I saw the same panic and confusion. That conversation occurred after she'd verbally abused and mocked me, completely unprovoked, at a large family gathering in front of others. When she "apologized" (in private, of course) she said, "I'm sorry I made you angry earlier." First, I had very consciously refrained from reacting to her insults and waited until someone else finally interjected and diverted her from me. I waited until an opportunity to leave the room presented itself and exited; I did not give any emotional reaction at all to her or anyone else. Second, I noticed for the very first time how manipulative her "apology" was. If I'd simply accepted it, I would not only concede that she had the power to "make me angry", but I'd also accept that she wasn't apologizing for anything she'd actually done. It was like recognizing that my mother was an alien, a foreign person who was comfortable unapologetically hurting me and my family, but who was uncomfortable not knowing whether she'd wounded me as intended.
Instead of accepting her words as usual. I told her she hadn't made me angry at all. She'd merely expressed her very low opinion of me and my family, which I hadn't fully been aware of before. I said I disagreed with her opinion, but I respected her right to hold it, and I wasn't angry about it.
She looked at her toes while physically backed out of the laundry room where she'd cornered me. She turned and walked off, muttering that she had a headache and was going to bed.
She didn't speak to me for the rest of that holiday week. I learned later that she went around to everyone else in the house, telling them that I was so furious with her that I wouldn't speak to her!
These people are broken and damaged facades of human beings. If they can get you to function at a purely emotional level - emoting, explaining how you feel about their conduct, reacting with smiles, laughter, angry words, or tears - they're in the driver's seat, setting up the next opportunity to manipulate you.
If, on the other hand, you become a detached, fact-based, emotionless person who provides only facts and absolutely no view of your internal emotions, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, ideas, etc. to them, they are absolutely lost at sea. They have nothing at all with which to steer and manipulate you, especially if you are indifferent to their jabs and insults.
It's not a half-way proposition. You cannot let them know anything about your moods, triumphs, disappointments, etc. and this is very hard when you've believed they actually cared about you as a person. But once you truly accept that sharing all of that personal, intimate information had, for them, only one function - ammunition to manipulate you - it's easier to remember to keep yourself to yourself for your own protection.
@@eurokay4755 thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like your aunt may have suffered from BPD. I have many of the traits myself. Our family is dysfunctional also. Apparently my mom's mom was narcissistic and used to bait my grandfather into fights. He died from a heart attack before I was born. My mom baits me also. One time my car got stuck in the snow on my way home from work and my mom called me and asked me why I wasn't home. She then insisted on picking me up and literally screamed at me on the ride home telling me what a terrible mother I am and then told me to stop screaming at her, I hadn't even raised my voice at all. Just so many instances of things like that. I got so used to it that I thought it was normal. And I can't even tell you how many times she betrayed my trust and told family members of my personal struggles, but made it all about her. It's a lot to forgive and overcome.
@@higherlove8886 I've decided the whole "forgive" thing is kind of irrelevant. I think the only duty you have is to treat everyone, including yourself, with respect. That means that you have to limit contact with people who have shown they cannot respect you. Their reasons for being unable to be respectful of you are their own. "You don't need to understand a tornado. You just need to know where it is." Your job is to understand that they disdain you and to not give them space or material to disrespect you. This is actually respectful of them because, although they would fight you on this, their treatment of you lowers THEM, not you. If no contact is the only way to prevent that, then no contact is best for both of you. I maintain some contact with strict boundaries, and it's worth it to me to ensure neglect Mom's physical safety and security. Emotionally, I'm internally off limits. Nothing she spits out gets past my ears, certainly not into my heart or thought processes. I'm indifferent to her gripes about me and her gossip about others, which is largely why she gripes about me. You see the juvenile, arrested-develooment cycle.
Consider that opting out of the intergenerational cycle of narcissistic abuse is a good way to honor your mom and the rest of your family as teachers: they taught you what not ever to accept in others or yourself. And move in without regret..
@@eurokay4755 thank you for your well written response and insightful advice. All the best to you!
This was my Mom 2 a T.. she was a very good narcissist!! And I was in a codependent family trance!
I lived in that water too long!
But I heard a voice .. Jerry’s voice speaking TRUTH! Thank you for helping us all learn who we really are! Ever grateful to your ambition to help others get out of the web of dysfunction!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Hi Jerry, Im 25 years old and have recently moved to Mexico to be closer to my boyfriends family. In the time that I have been here, the distance has made me analyze my relationship with my parents. I had been really struggling and my boyfriend suggested your videos.
I just want to say, your wisdom has helped me so much in navigating how to have a balanced relationship with my parents and to also let go of thoughts and conditioning that has plagued me my entire life. Thank you❤️
@lunitab0nita What a nice boyfriend! It is a truly a blessing to find someone outside one's family that truly cares. I am so happy for you.
Funny, I had to move from Mexico to Australia. My husband always knew how messed my family was and I didn’t see it. He never suggested any videos or any other back up materials so that just made me think he was jealous of how much my mum “loved” me. Took me a long time to get here.
It is so obvious to anyone who knows these things, that I grew up with narcissists. I have this persona that I can't seem to get rid of, like eg. I have to feel anxious and behave anxious when speaking to someone who may be in a superior position, when in fact I don't even actually feel anxious! I feel like I have to behave this way, no doubt bc dad liked it that way. Made me feel safe when dad was in a good mood... It's like a habit, I can't shake it off, and I'm 40 years old. I still try to work on myself, but it's like, there are so many holes, so much to do, still.
I'm nearly 50 & worked in mental health for 25 years, I've known so many people from all walks of life, different cultures & belief systems, socioeconomic statuses- I have seen & heard some things, but the singleminded selfishness & fantasy lands of narcs still take my breath away. Especially the "spiritual" or religious ones lol just, wow. Educating those who still have human qualities like empathy is the best we can do: keep fighting the good fight, Jerry 🙏🤍
Thanks for your comment and yep that ideally is not what being "spiritual" means by almost every definition. Thanks for your carrer path too, I have been in therapy for a couple disorders and have dealt with Narcs/BPD in family & associates. It is disturbing, and can of course be dangerous to be involved with said, I've arrived to realize through treatment that the only answer is to focus on your own health/progress... and get away from such.
Rose White - Thanks for your post!
💕💕
Well said
The religious ones are the worst they are demons acting like angels cause they use the word god and light
Up candles in front of u to show u how much they believe and it is all a lie
❤Thank you Jerry for your most kind & generous sharing of this enlightening & helpful video that I have just listened to. I am hereby sharing my freshly prepared 'Study Notes' - with 'TIMESTAMPS' of the '9 Things' - using that 'Maia2009' has kindly shared a year ago,
1. The fear of Being Exposed. (2:17)
2. The fear of Losing Control of their Image & other people’s perception of it (hence their pathological need of one-upmanship, etc.). (3:37)
3. Criticism or Fear of Humiliation. Status is important for them. They have an allergy to Vulnerability. (5:15)
Narcissists will take the first step to humiliate others before others have a chance to humiliate them.
4. They fear Being Rejected. (5:40)
5. Narcissists love or want to ‘Argue’ not to ‘Analyse’. (7:37)
They fear ‘Process’. They prefer to focus on the Content (The Argument - Issues & Problems). ‘Process’ is what is going on - like the narcissist gas-lighting or shouting at you. Narcissists are ‘Linear Thinkers’ and do not like ‘The Process’ (Problem-Solving).
6. They are afraid of CALMNESS or ‘Low Anxiety’ in others. They thrive on Reactivity & Automatic Triggers in Relationships. They control others by keeping everyone’s anxiety high around them. Low Anxiety means you are ‘In Control’. (11:48)
7. Your ‘Wilfulness’ and ‘Being Intentional’ will drive them crazy. (13:12)
8. They are afraid of Playfulness or a lack of ‘Over-Seriousness’. (14:13)
The narcissist’s ‘Over-Seriousness’ is designed to Enmesh us with them by being ‘over-serious’ about them. They prefer unquestioning compliance of others and narcissists do not take responsibility of their attitudes, behaviours, actions, etc.
9. They fear being Left Alone and feeling Non-Significant. They need constant Narcissistic/Emotional Supplies or Adulation. (17:29)
Thank you so much Kam Leung. And thank you for watching.
One guaranteed way to seriously enrage them was to be happy, or relaxed. I was so happy to "abandon" them, as soon as I possibly could. They were hell to each other and to us kids. And thought that they were great.
Very insightful! They are overserious. I know I'm not a narcissist because I enjoy being goofy and having fun! I have a light heart. Thanks again for the words of wisdom!
Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you for watching.
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My father was an alcoholic/drug abusing primary narcistic sociopath, i.e. a criminal and abuser. My sister is attempting to emulate my father who never gave her attention in order feel connection to our late father. The behavior is just as extreme and very dangerous, i.e. death threats and violence. It seem that environment and genetics contribute to narcistic behavior. I can't deal with my sister while caring for my mother full time and cut her completely out of my life. I just can't deal with her insanity and drunkenness. Thanks for the help Jerry.
I have encountered many narcissistic people in my personal life and I've often been totally confused. This video I'll listen to a few times. Thank you.
Their unstable inner state "stable"? It's their version of stability whixh is like being on a tilt-o-whirl
Even more disturbing if they feel at times exposed and vunerable to you (me) for whatever reason... and tell you they feel crazy sometimes... that is just a creepy psyco situation. In my case they quickly revert to classic kickback hate. Even to point of incorporating admitting feeling bad to you... I have been in therapy for my own Borderline disorder and I see parallels, but the Narccist I'm involved with is relentless... and *any kind of distancing indeed trigger a much larger and more creepy reaction... That is my experience. They also can demand or creepily insist that even in light of all other evidence that you somehow agree with them. I'm in therapy for problems I recognize, they don't believe in problems and will attack and feed off of any reality... so yes, fears. The only answer is to get away from them in general. "No matter what the issue is", in indeed in fact feed and want to look abused and and standing up for yourself results in "You are absurd and being mean to me". Not a solveable puzzle in almost every instance and you cannot argue crazy w/ crazy... and they can be very dangerous depending combining desire to bait and how much self pity they can incorporate...
This video is a wealth of wisdom from Mr. Wise! The part about about low-anxiety individuals and how the high-conflict/high controllers are very uncomfortable around them was on point! In my family system, as a keen observer, I sensed many of these fears in my parents and also with coworkers in the workplace, but I believed my perceptions were off. So much gaslighting diminished my trust in my intuition. Thank you very much for the validation.
You are very welcome
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Great content bro! I started a diet two months ago, set a fixed time to go to sleep every night and got a hometrainer and I already lost 16 pounds and feel much better!
Thanks, Jerry. These tactics that the self-absorbed individuals do render themselves inappropriate/undesirable.
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Detached, neutral or self differentiated- that’s fascinating.
Process vs Content such an interesting point.
“Yelling at me must stop…”
Thanks for explaining how they want to keep you in an anxious state. That’s interesting.
Used to have anxiety attacks - which I could not pinpoint the cause of. My Husband used to make me lie down and count slowly to see if it would calm me down.
Most of my anxiety evolved to show that him and his parents - were the cause. ;)
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OMG...I've just learned a few new things about what's going on between me and my narcissistic sister that I hadn't heard articulated in quite this way.
There's something realy wonderful about the way you describe these "processes". Many youtubers who discuss narcissism seem to be catering to our need to have our anger and pain validated by focusing on the "behaviours" of the narcissist...and then stop there.
Do you do individual counseling online? I feel like you're just the type of help I need.
It just hit me that my sister has ALWAYS been triggered whenever I'm calm/happy/at peace....and always seems very peaceful and smug and happy when I'm "on edge"....and it also just hit me that THIS may be the "real" reason she always manages to fabricate a grievance or a problem out of thin air just before any family gathering.
Just by noticing/recognizing this, I feel a little more sane...
You described my mother to a T!
Thank you Jerry for your work! Sooooo helpful😊
they fear you being independent
After I filed for divorce....Judge gave me the house. For a year....he refused to move out. He would always make threats to "Get rid of me"..."lock me up somewhere". He hated to see me feel peaceful and calm....he would do something mean or cruel to make me upset....then he would Whistle as if 'making me upset made him very happy'.
Thanks for this. I'm a counseling student and I've been listening to this for years already.
This is extraordinary work. It is a shame, academic scholar programs don´t teach this. This goes the opposite to nonsenses like behavioral analysis.
This is terrifying. It's describing all (3) of my remaining family of origin, all older than me. Why do I have to be the only one of us who can see it, and the only one with no resources that might allow me to escape that family? Discovering all this at 60 as a result of a complete collapse in my own life and finding myself in need of support has been terrible. I'm glad you are here to explain it Jerry, but it's still the scariest thing I've ever had to face. They are such raging bullies. I have to develop my self-differentiation, but I can't imagine how I will be able to do that without support.
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Thank you for watching. I'm over 60 and I understand....
The best way of dealing with my ex narcissist husband was to ignore the comments and stay happy and unruffled and peaceful. It really unnerved him 😅
Jerry, this is my favorite video you've done. Thank you so much.🙏🏽
The point about over seriousness was very perceptive. I experience weaponised pomposity on a daily basis. Someone who uses condescension, admonishing and nit picking of any small factual slip up as a dagger. He is very ready to sneer at others but incapable of ever laughing WITH others or laughing at his own failings. Exhausting, tedious but now radical acceptance of his abnormality and an exit plan. Thank you for another excellent video. 😊
U r very welcome
Narcissist love to say 'other people are jealous of them'....which means they are jealous or they would not know what being jealous is.....
As soon as i get any hint someone is a narcissistic i leave. Ive spent to many years dealing with these unhealthy people from my parents, siblings, children, boyfriends, friends etc. Im done
Congrats on 60k, Jerry!!
Thank you so much, it's really exciting!!
If at all you can get away from them you must... or be so well educated on them IF you have to be around them... when you critize them you will realize you have no idea who this person is.. once you see them rage from simply having been told the truth about their behavior
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You rock Mr. Wise!
Deep insight, resonate, much appreciated.
Glad it was helpful!
Its a blessing to have found ur channel
Thanks!
Thank you
That was great content..👍🙏🎯
Glad you enjoyed it
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Another video yassss😘
Thank you, Jerry 😊
Jerry. You have been an immense hp to me in oh so many ways thank you again & again ♥👍🌸
You are so welcome
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Thank you wonderful Jerry!
When I first started listening to you a few days ago, it sounded like you were talking about my narcissistic family becasue of my reactive habitual behavior , mirroring and retaliation compulsion I attack back and now I'm the narcissist on a kamikaze mission no a flying a bowing without map. LOL
Jerry thank you for your very helpful , high quality information videos. You present in such a clear way. I jsaw a reply you made to another comment with the link to make a donation. Just to let people know it’s very straight forward and can be done as a one off.
Excellent video, as are all the others. Thank you so much!
You're very welcome!
TY Jerry.....awesome as usual....where do I subscribe
I would go to the front page of my you tube channel
jerrywiserelationship systems you tube
There should be a subscribe button there
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The gfear of process- dear lawd do i know that one... Myself and my Narc spent of 3.5 hrs replaying a scenario that had happened... A statement was made in a manor he left laughing & smiling with.. Only to be distraught and upset with it only a meer hour later as he suddenly felt as if I was trying control him and that he had the right to change his mind. He continually argued the process over and over but never once acknowledged the manor in which the content was delivered in. Only became hyper focused on 3 words that were said.... I was emotionally exhausted that day. Gah I have so many stories of him refusing to acknowledge the process its creates a whirlwind in my mind... Im currently in tue silence/discard phase and its heart breaking cause this person is my son.
You Hooked Me Today !
I Approve You. I’m Now A Subscriber And You Will Be Added To My “Favorites To Listen To” ! 🙏
Awesome! Thank you!
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Thank you so much!!!!!
thanks 🙏.
Thank you sir god bless
Amen....Being exposed....
Great as always! Thanks :-)
Thanks again!
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You are still Number one Dr.Wise 😉
Excellent
Thank you so much 😀
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My mom and uncle are like this.
Great video, thank you!
Glad you liked it!
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very good
Thanks so much
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They can not loose control over controlling other people's lives.....
With all due respect Jerry, does the average person want their flaws exposed? Is that only attributed to the narcissist? Thanks for the video
You sound like a hurt narcissist… he said that one of the things they don’t like. Yet somehow out of all the things he said, you try to undermine his message with that one thing… Exposed!😂
Describes my dad to a T.
100%
💯🙏💗🙌💗🙏💯
🎉🎉🎉
👍🙏🙏🙏