60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 22/33 - Create What They Hate
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- Опубликовано: 5 авг 2021
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People from Complex Trauma often create the very things they hate and are trying to avoid - like abandonment, disrespect and repeating the same mistakes. Why is that? And what can they do to change?
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I'm so tired of trying to heal
I understand exactly what you mean.
Same here ;_;
Just when I feel it’s better. I spiral again.
I feel you
Hypnotherapy.
Families systems absolutely hate when someone tries to break the cycle. It's a never-ending battle
💯That’s why I’m the black sheep and I can say it doesn’t bother me but it does in some fashion.
i use my anger as a crutch the down side is the potential to crash and end up on the news is always there
That is completely true.
Its not a battle when you stop giving a damn what they think
True, I see it clearly
I stopped the rot of generational trauma, I didn't have kids , the buck stops here with me, I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody
That’s not really how you stop it. You stop it by having children and securely attaching with them and passing on a heritage of love, value, acceptance. Not having kids is still a fine choice if it’s what you need but it’s not the solution to trauma. Love is.
Me too.
@@itsamerrylife9128I would argue that love is not enough to stop the cycle of trauma. Love can be very sincere and very distorted.
Some family's trauma is bad enough that it's going to take many decades of active healing to get to a place where they could raise children without seriously damaging them.
It's important to respect that we don't know the situation someone is coming from. Some of the stuff out here is worse than most folks can even imagine. And love, beautiful and wonderful and important as it is, is not enough to heal that.
I commend your choice and action with not continuing the cycle. It's a damn strong choice, and a lot of people may not understand or respect it. But it is effective.
I hope you're also able to get the support and healing you need in order to be at peace in yourself for your own peace and contented life.
@@itsamerrylife9128
One needs to have secure attachment themselves so they can provide.
Giving from a full cup
I came to a realization that i think will help a lot of people here. I am afraid of conflict, I used to "avoid" conflict by not speaking my mind. But then i realized that when I dont stand up for myself there is way more conflict, its just internal conflict instead of external. You feel all the uncomfortable emotions with internal conflict, with external conflict you must feel confident in order to prevail. And when you communicate like an adult, there is a chance things will get done. The more you communicate your needs in a healthy way, the more healthy people will come into your life while the unhealthy people leave.
You described what I've been like too. Being non confrontational caused me more pain and stress, resentment, anger than just confronting people. Super unhealthy.
And sometimes when you are confrontational even if you try to be diplomatic people do get defensive or near violent or they shut down or won’t engage. So many unhealthy people and that tension and internal conflict becomes too much so you give up.
I am like that too and still have a lot of healing to do
External conflict a lot of times will not solve problems. Even as an intellegent articulate outspoken person you run into incredible bottle necks. Most commonly an abject lack of empathy or just general ability to focus/understand. The real problem is that people who are incompetent at comprehending others lack even the competence to realize this. Thus things like gaslighting and blaming often times seem intentional when more commonly its merely a symptom of the larger problem. The only real way to deal with people who hurt you and think nothing of it is to excommunicate/cut all contact. Life often times isn't so easy however and thus we end up with trauma from these idiots as the speaker is pointing out.
Very wise and super helpful as I had never thought about this before x
I think a big part of this is, beyond "not being able to listen to danger sirens" is not about danger but about safety - not having a reference point of safety to serve as a guide and provide a means for survival.
Jesus
Yes 100%
Yeah those mechanisms must be interacting, you get used to excessive vagus nerve activation that would cause most to fight or flight, and your model for home and what you understand is dangerous so safe places feel uncertain
100% true omg
@@muscularclassrepresentativ5663 agree, also just wanted to add stable csituations feel boring or under stimulating. We think we don’t want drama but unfortunately a lack of drama is perceived as a lack of fulfilling interaction.
Being a people pleaser is like a survival tool in certain households. The moment you displease and showcase your own way of thinking and lifestyle… it’s like you have to feel shameful for it. I’ve been growing out of this and I definitely started unraveling all the cognitive dissonance in my head in situations it didn’t really need to be there.
My current reality.
Amen
It’s one of the 4 types of personalities that come from trauma.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporessss I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporessss
The short answer is that they subconsciously create situations they want to avoid bc they are 'familiar' with the trauma..etc
Exactly, they are comfortable with the pattern and they don't realize that there is a way to break out of it, they have to be retrained it's a new patterns. While they do that, EMDRtherapy is highly recommended.
Totally this is me :( …
@@PugetwitchThey are programmed to create what they hate. They have controllers, reporters & managers programmed in them that identifies independent desire & blocks that to enact obedience to programming instead. Check out DID & alters & how abuse creates introjects that persist in the abused person. Same with mirror neurons...empathic people feel the thoughts/emotions/desires & think they are their own...so they get "robotized" (Judith Herman) which makes them a compliant, subjugated person.
That's not what he said at all.
@@AnEsotericMindI hope people watch this for themselves. Smh.
The video barely started , i am already crying 😂😂 . This is too real. May God have mercy and grace for us all!
There is no god, wake up
@@feboptopt haha you just wait buddy
You can't prove that@@feboptopt . Wake up yourself.
@@feboptoptwake up??? Maybe you should take your advice 🤣
@VictoriaVictoryable And so brings this phase of your healing journey! Blessings 🙏🏼💗🙏🏼
33:37 self-fulfilling prophecy…being needy and wanting people to be constantly available and respond to you perfectly every time otherwise they’ve let you down and your belief that everyone disappoints and abandons you is confirmed
What if you have a feeling that person is playing games with you and it's not a normal slow response
all people are needy and we are in a dysfunctional system period
the us sociological structures are dysfunctional
@@nadineelizabeth195this is what I'm wrestling with. My "best friend" has gradually distanced me and I'm so sick of it. But if I don't react positively, I'm the one with the problem. He'll ask how I am and then wait two weeks to reply. It takes away my peace so I've given up on trying to reach out and share anything.
@@nadineelizabeth195 you are lying to yourself.
This is so spot on. It’s really shocking how much these videos have opened my eyes to bits of my own behavior. It’s sad, and I have so much healing to do. God bless this man.
Same!!!
Gosh I agree .. I found this man a few years ago
And see myself in most videos . It’s so overwhelming
I feel the aame❤
Except the radar part. The person molesting usually is someone the child WANTS to go with, at least initially. We do a grave disservice to our children in painting molesters as monsters: not because they don't do monstrous harm, but because they charm children. They attract children. So, as a child, you learn not to trust you gut, because at first, your gut said, " this person pays attention to me. This person LIKES me". THAT is what messes with ones own intuition. It is a trick
Just discovered this and it absolutely destroyed me. “don't want my kids to make the bad choices I
made" 😢 and the idea that my beautiful child can somehow be infected by my own childhood is heartbreaking . This neverending explanation loop in particular is driving me insane.
Wow, this was spot on!!!! I am a magnet for relationships that are toxic. My parents were cold, didn’t like babies or toddlers. They were emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusive everyday of our childhood. On top of that,my mothers birth control failed and I was conceived. They hated me for it. I am 50 years old, and I can honestly say the most wonderful experience of my life was becoming pregnant with our son. Determined to raise him completely different from my parents, I did make some of their mistakes, not having any guidance. But I wish there were parenting classes for young women, and more women willing to help new moms in communities. That would have helped me tremendously.
it's a tough journey...❤
Monogamy is misogyny.
My mother always said I was an accident. I found out a few years ago, it wasn't true.
@@jedahn I am sorry to hear that she would say that to make you feel that way. They have no idea that what comes out of their mouth is a sword to the heart.
In traditional communities, women gather daily in their day while working - discussing their lives, children, relationships, ideas, goals etc. They have support parenting, elders, and can sing and weave strength, culture and stories into their communities. We need to re create this gathering times and it can be big work.
Hands down... I've seen thousands of talks in the past five years and this is the most thorough, most succinct description of what it's like.
Yes I agree.
The more important question is why people can move from initially liking someone to regularly and knowingly disrespecting them simply because that person is nice or has poor boundaries. It seems to me the problem is not with poor boundaries but with people deciding they are entitled to be less courteous to others than they would allow others to be toward them and to consistently seek opportunities to behave that way toward people they fkn LIKE. Wtf?
Yes, the missing piece is the human nature. One just can't be caught off guard.
💯
I have to say I feel this to my bones and have experienced the difference culturally with how we see things in the United States as opposed to other countries. For instance, Europeans do not feel the need to have a contest over who works more hours in a week they take long lunch breaks that actually are dinner breaks and they take a nap after they have a huge meal. They know how to relax they value family time they value each other. Our country is so wrapped up and who’s got a bigger butt, prettier face more Botox, better products to make your skin not age how much money is spent on shoes clothes cars we are materialistic and we are selfish. Our government encourages us to do this. They also encourage dependency. We are not a democracy. We are shit show and I’m to the point where I’m going to start looking for housing and a lifestyle that does not include this crap anymore.
I definitely think this too! It's the same for autistic people, a bully magnet.
Wow this describes me perfectly. I am just now starting to realize how much the abuse I experienced all throughout my childhood really affected me. I always thought there was something wrong with me but really it was unresolved trauma that I need help getting healed from.
BITE MODELS are excellent tools for survival
💗🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
❤
Cptsd feels like a pre req to purgatory
Hahahahahahahahah that is such an awesome observation
Purgatory, unfortunately, is a lie. Not in the bible.
@@infiniteshoeblackAbsolutely.
@@infiniteshoeblackI beg to differ. Following Christ's path the best I can has led me here. Yes, religion and surrounding yourself with narcissistic behavior can make you feel uneasy, bring out your insecurities and toxicity, there are good people in churches though🤷🏼♂️.
It was our divine Creator who saved me from my carnal mind, not a church or religion. A path from a teacher of love, compassion and desire to seek knowledge, healing and hard truths. If you truly seek with intent, through your heart, knock on that door, it will be opened.
He loves you.
Blessings and Love.
@@infiniteshoeblackTHANK YOU!
I have seen that I overexplain, and I haven't figured out how else to handle the situation. It's often the case that I am not getting any feedback from the other person that they understand, so I keep going. I have since learned that most people don't want to understand.
That last part is key .
The vast majority of people only care to understand anything if they see a direct easily diagrammed benefit in it for themselves .
This is 🎯
I do this. It's exhausting.
and they probably don´t respect you and delute themselves they are better than you and that what they keep themselves busy with is better than all that what you are doing what do you even do all day why dont you go and do this or why not go and do that are you looking to go and do something like that
- and it doesn´t even matter cause it´s never good it´s never just good
Exactly, they just look at you blankly
What I did to please people gave them the reason to not respect me. It look years for me to realize this.
So true I was pleaser as well, but now I'll love and do for others but with no expectations. And I keep those boundaries in check for the hard core takers.
Years of therapy and I have learned more here on this channel. Grateful
Amen! Same here! I love all the detail and how real he is.
I'm realizing that I ran away from becoming my mother just to find out that I am just like her and what she created in me is what I passed on to my children. I treated my children like just like she treated me and now they respond with the same hatred that I had for my mother, and now I hate my mother and myself even more. I've been carrying the shame of my mother and the shame of myself for so long and I'm tired, my soul is screaming and my heart is broken. There's no coming back from this.....
Yes there is a way back.
Go deep inside and ask the way.
How do you get inside?
I feel your pain and going through a similar experience by the sounds of it. Don’t loose hope. There IS a way. And you are NOT your mother. You deserve to be happy and find healing. Until we die it’s never too late. To acknowledge, to recognise, and to find ways to heal from trauma. Im trying. Peace and blessings
Keep looking. Things will open up. Different things work for different people at different times… silent sitting aka meditation can bring much insight, ‘the work’ by Byron Katie is a handy tool…
There is power in forgiveness. Apologize to your children (when they're adults and out of the house)
Great. I'm trying to avoid getting into a bad relationship. That includes family friends etc. I'm sick of it. Where are the healthy people? You are kind of right I feel like a magnet for nasty, messed up people. To say the least.
I think this "look for the healthy people" idea is going to get people stuck. Healthy people are only looking for healthy people, they maintain boundaries and don't get involved with unhealthy people.
We also don't have a great internal compass for what healthy looks like. How can we look for it?
We can, however, model ourselves after people who share their stories and wisdom publicly. We can find guidance. We can go through the process of healing with our sick friends.
Yes you do need to get healthy first and part of that journey is noticing when you are being drawn to unhealthy people. Another part of the journey is being with people who are in recovery. I was in al-anon for a while and that really helped. You could say they weren't healthy either but at least they knew it and could see the red flags.
Finally if and when you find healthy people be aware that you won't feel right being with them. They may seem boring or maybe intrusive. Try to take a step back. Try to look at that person objectively and decide maybe this person is good for me. Maybe boring is actually lack of drama, maybe intrusive is actually desiring closeness and authenticity. It's tough and it takes work. You can get there, the longest journey starts with the first step.
It is difficult. I have come to realize that I made unhealthy relationships all my life, but over the decades my friendships have become less and less neurotic. Now at 46 I refuse to make any unhealthy new friendships. The one big problem with this is that I am absolutely terrified of normal, healthy and boundaried people , their rules of behaviour do not feel like “home”. But I’m sticking with it anyway for once in my life, I’m dealing with it by having fairly superficial friendships with healthy people, and hope that my courage will increase over time to become closer. It’s a problem because to open up and be more authentic and truthful about my family “baggage”, I fear “normal” people will do a runner.
I liken it to a dance... our messed up parents teach us how to dance in the world... and we seek partners (they US) who also know the dance we learned... until you're willing and able to "dance to another tune" we're trapped in a cycle of _Evil Tango!_ We may be outstanding dancers at this Tango, even... but, we can learn to dance the Fox Trot, too! Even IF that's much more boring on the surface. Or opt for a Viennese Waltz!
But, IDK what I'm saying... I'm all alone at nearly 54... and never have any intention (after the most recent re-traumatization) to marry or get involved intimately ever again. Dancing is overrated.
This speaker is amazing.
@Tim Fletcher, you are the best therapist i have ever had. Just by watching your videos, I have learned so much about my childhood trauma, cptsd and its detrimental effects on my adult life. I have more peace and understanding of who I am and what I can do to heal the trauma and to become whole again. I also enjoyed hearing the bible stories and learned much from them. God bless you in all you do. You are truly a gift to humanity from Him. Thank you!🙏
My gosh this is so honest and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I feel the exact same way about this channel. Deepest gratitude
@yiqu6854 Agreed!
@yiqu6854 Agreed! Grateful to @TimFletcher
Agree Tim is a huge blessing. I know God sent me here and Tim is fulfilling his purpose. Thank you so much!
One of the most important videos I've watched about ptsd please never stop sharing these videos
Wow this is amazing! I'm a therapist and I got more out of this than I did from trauma trainings that cost $$$$. Thank you! I'm going to keep listening to you. You speak in a way that makes sense to me & would make sense to my clients too. You are helping people with your videos!
Your a therapist and your borrowing things from a RUclips video that makes me unsure of therapist. I’m taking your name down I’m going to avoid you at all costs. lol, just saying that if you got more out of this one video out of all the training you spent over the years that’s very scary to hear about therapists. That’s why people are turning to online therapy for free. You guys are going to be out of business. I’m glad you admitted this. Thank you so much for your honesty.
To be fair... it takes time for the newer studies to be taken into consideration, added to the DSM and then also added to school curriculum.
I'm not a therapist and I'm not actually fond of therapy myself due to my various repeated unsatisfactory experiences over the course of the past 10 years.
But I think I would've rather had my plethora of therapists more informed beyond their typical education.
I think I would have fared well and I wouldn't be so jaded by the thought of therapy.
@vance641 like... I hear what you're saying, but I respectfully feel like you're mad at the wrong thing
You may also like then John Bradshaw from 80's and 90's. Keen understanding, insight on family systems. Able to articulate so people were helped. Dense reading. Compassionate man to the end of his life.
I’m angry about how many needs of mine must’ve went unmet in my childhood 😡 I relate to every example. My life is so painful because of all the things that my parents withheld. This sucks man.
Knowing is an important part of healing. It's good you feel your anger. What's underneath?
me too, my mom truly evil to me
I heard you 💕 no love 🙏 no support
Yeah I feel the same at times, even now. What’s almost worse is when you come to the realization that they withheld what you needed because they simply did not have it to give usually because they never had their needs met. Exactly like he discusses at around 19:30❤
Edit: fixing time stamp
Same here but the only thing that has helped is my relationship with God. He’s my counselor my friend my savior my Father. He’s the one that is always there for me! Trustworthy Honest and Forgiving.
Tim is so wise and clear and balanced in what he is telling us.
Listening to him is so helpful and nourishing.
Balanced is exactly the word. Talking about the behaviors and people's responses without judgment for anyone involved.
This was very upsetting for me, so true, I’m 64 and alone and feel like I’m never going to change. This is a self fulfilling prophecy. It happens over and over and over again. But at least I know why……
I'm so sorry to hear that.
I feel the same. Like there's no winning to this. You try and try and try, but things are the same.
My heart goes out to you.
I've always believed that if you keep moving, you'll get there, eventually.
Dunno if this applies to this.
But we're given a difficult situation. Either fight or wither away.
I hope you get there, truly.
I think the antidote to feeling hopeless is to go and volunteer, do for others without any expectations. Love people, love yourself, most importantly Love Jesus and what He did for us, there's peace and contentment with Him.Only He fills the empty void, since we're all messed up to some degree. Prayers
My healing journey from CPTSD has led me to the point where I avoid videos like this. Instead of teaching us how to create a functional nervous system through behavior and lifestyle changes, "therapists" bully us into believing that we can never change and that the only thing we can do is manage symptoms and revisit past traumas which gets us to a place of further disempowerment and dependency. Instead of focusing on how to craft a better nervous system and encouraging us, this approach ostracizes us and alienates us from the rest of human society, which does not have the background or context to understand what we are talking about when we express our feelings. It makes you feel more shame and the sense that you are eternally damned. Stop making people feel that they have no future by highlighting, circling and placing the past in neon lighting. Instead, lets answer the question of "now what ?" and encourage people to chase their dreams and better future.
Almost as if teaching us to heal the nervous system in a reasonable and practical and empathic way, instead of damning our human psyches right and left would put them outa business! No more clients. I also avoid videos like this for the same reason
@@enneaf1676 I have found pets to be hugely healing. There are also substances and procedures that hack the nervous system. Look into the SGB procedure. If you live in the northeast, there is an ongoing study where you can get the treatment for free. Psychedelics like ketamine and mdma are also very promising.
@@enneaf1676 look into Dr. Lipov. He invented a procedure called SGB that mutes the fight and flight system in the brain. The FDA also legalized ketamine and is on the brink of legalizing other psychedelics.
Just because you personally are past the discovery phase of your healing journey, doesn’t mean everyone else is. If it’s not for you, good. But if someone is just starting out, why do you suppose they need your negativity in the comments section? Just unsubscribe and scroll on by to things that fit you now. You’re not the main character in other people’s lives.
@@shewho333 im not trying to be the main character. I prefaced the comment by saying " my healing journey". At first, these videos did help me to a degree because they validated that I was on the receiving end of alot of abuse. However, I'm trying to make the point that these therapists don't always have your best interests in mind. The narrative that we are damaged permanently is not a healing one. If anything, it makes you entrapped in the trauma. There are healing therapies that decompress the nervous system enough that you begin to have a different view of the world and of people. If you stay in the narrative of "they abused me, now all I can do is manage my defective brain and nervous system". That is a never ending, self fulfilling prophecy which does not save you in the end. It's the same self sealing system that cult leaders use to entrap their victims. If you can convince someone that they are defective, and keep repeating that, you can get people to listen to you without any objections, instead of giving them the tools to find their own personal joy and euphoria, their euphoria and accomplishment comes from following an asinine therapy model where no matter what they do, they feel the same. You keep learning helplessness if you spend too much time analyzing the source of the Trauma without healing the nervous system shut down that is causing your ptsd symptoms. I have found for myself that words do not heal the physiological roots of trauma. It's like trying to talk away a broken leg.
Well now I know why I create so much misery in my life. That is what I grew up with and that's what feels normal. Misery is normal for me, that when things are going well or positive, I freak out and create misery for myself. To be genuinely happy is a really uncomfortable feeling for me, because it doesn't feel right. It's not normal to me. It creates cognitive dissonance. I have safe people in my life now, and now my mind just plays out all the unsafe things I no longer have in my life... because I really have no idea how to live life without it. So I create artificial misery for myself out of sheer boredom. Joy and happiness feel dangerous for me, it threatens my identity and who I think I am. Now trying to change this is the part I haven't figured out.
Hated though it may be, misery and uncertainty serve as a comfort blanket against the terrifying unknown. Maybe its like easing one's way into the cold sea, one step at a time, waiting to get accumstomed before taking additional steps.
@@samnangthim6949 That's a very positive way of looking at it. Thank you for that :)
This made me bawl like a child😭….can such people ever lead a normal life??? I lead a seemingly normal life…yet it doesn’t feel so
No human lives a perfect normal life.
Jesus died to purchase healing for us. Go to Him for love, validation and healing.
This man is a pyschological healing genius.
This describes my whole f$#@ing life from early childhood, up to now. I'm 58, and been divorced since 2008. Ex hubby abandoned our marriage during the 2007-08 recession. I chose at that time, to step out of the game. Now, that I'm getting older & facing being old/getting old alone, I realize I might have waited too long, and that ship may have passed. I was crying listening to this, as it totally resonated with me. I want people in my life, but at the same time, I have learned to not trust anyone, so it never gets anywhere. My oldest son and I are estranged, he did horrible things to my property, stole items, gaslit me to my family, so that only re-rubbed salt in a huge, trauma-filled open wound. I will never be the same. I feel more comfortable with hatred and anger, instead of love. I love my pets to the max, however!!
Cognitive dissonance....Wow! Thank you! Now I know there is a word for it.
I am getting SO MUCH out of these talks. What a blessing of understanding you have given me Tim.
Thank you🙏
As a CPTSD Survivor put through hell by biological parents, foster care, foster care potential parents, school bullying, then my adoptive parents ashamed we weren't able to be normal couldn't fix us so they talked to community service who said throw them in a SIP home we can fix them.....they didn't fix me they abused me and I was sexually violated in the sip homes and because of that while my adopted parents moved on with life while leaving us there the abandonment I will never forget or forgive. Why because when we were adopted I believed to have better life and never be abandoned again, but then when they finally realized they made a mistake after sticking my bro and I in SIP homes the damage was done, then treated diffrently talked to as if we should be dumbdowned by adoptive relatives and them not understanding us we felt useless and didn't belong there so then why were we adopted. Just to be discarded and then apologize for the suffering in a SIP because they gave up on us, just to not truly feel like we belong at family gatherings.....all this has lead to my severe CPTSD, each day is a battle, each day I live walking in fear and on eggshells. Now I'm in process of getting a Service Dog because its destroyed my ability to function outside of my home, especially during my birthday, holidays and around adoptive family.
Not sure how you’re doing today, but I wanted you to know that I read this and my heart broke for you. I am currently praying for you. I believe that God alone can fill your heart and heal you. I’m also being healed by God. I pray that you immediately feel God’s safe protective presence. The best is yet to come!
❤
God gives his toughest battle to his toughest soldiers. Wether or not your a believer, you're tough, no one can deny you that.
Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel felt reading this. where I come from, people are too privileged to know such struggles. So people like us don't make sense to them.
Wherever you are, much respect and support to you.
😢😢❤
, thank you for your kindness, your words made me cry @@LadyEh
Yep. This is very common and also often referred to as re-enactment. Also has to do with unconsciously trying to "resolve" or "undo" or "control" the trauma by putting ourselves in similar situations and expecting / shooting for different overcomes over and over again. We need to learn to be self-aware enough to wake up to this pattern so that we can change it. And a part of being able to do that is learning enough emotion / nervous system regulation so that we can stay self-aware and in control
It's to do with one's environment aswell.
Some of us are too poor to move out, there are so many dysfunctional cycles that keep our mood down and with low self esteem.
Lack of recources and people outside of the home unwilling to help even when you ask.
The outside world sometimes doesn't treat us that well either.
It's just a never ending cycle that we never asked to be a part of.
I'm sorry for the parent I was. I wish I knew these things and could have done better. It's never to late to learn. Wishing my beautiful girl the best birthday yet ...I am so sorry my trauma caused her harm. Always the last prayer before sleep and first upon waking. God bless everyone try to break generational trauma, as well as whAt you picked up along the way.
Amen
Indeed
Unbelievable! That you so nonchalantly talk about trauma and harm you caused. You should be reported to the authorities.
@@PraiseOnMyLips I don't read the message as being nonchalant at all. They are saying it's their first and last thought of every day... and they are here, doing the work now, to heal. I'm not sure there's any more we can ask from ourselves or others, than that. Is there something else that you feel is missing?
I hope you tell her, and keep telling her and show her by your actions. I am 50 and words from my father like that could help me heal. It’s exhausting (feels impossible really) to heal by yourself. I could forgive him much more deeply if I heard that from him, if he saw the pain his actions, or inactions caused. Your admitting your downfalls gives hope. May you keep moving forward.❤
When it comes to getting close to anyone, there's no 'safe'.
I'm almost 70, thankfully, so I won't get getting close to anyone. I had a husband and kids and now grandkids. So I don't want to date since my husband passed about 5 years ago. Happily single, happily not getting close to anyone! I actually like it.
Family constellation work is very powerful for generational trauma👌
I've been hurt enough to need healing . I turn to the Lord Jesus the savior and healer. He is my refuge and my exceeding great reward.
I feel like they live in a duality of a child and a man. Wanting a mother to support him and take care of him. He feels.entitled because he is a child and expects to be cared for. Then man chimes in and has a hate for that woman the image of his mother, abuses and degrades because he is finally grown enough to stand up against the woman that is the false image of his mother. War of child need and adult need push pull
That's why, never have relationship before healing the trauma
It's his fault then if he hurt other people because of his trauma
Precisely
Thank you Tim, watching from Australia. I am diagnosed with complex ptsd. I've been bingeing your videos and they really speak to my experiences. Unfortunately for me, the cycle continues because I didn't know how to change the inevitability. So much, and because of my age 64 and knowledge wasn't available until the last 15 years, I have become secluded and reclusive. I continue to talk to my trauma trained psychologist but I know my recovery is only at a minimum.
Thank you for your comment. If you want, a good place to start is the Healthy Tools series which goes through the 12 Basic Needs. Recovery is long and hard - a lifetime of work. But very well worth it - for yourself and your loved ones. Don't forget to look back to see how far you've come to this point. Wishing you much strength as you continue on.
i feel your pain. im 63 had a massive mental breakdown 5 months ago.3x sexual assault ptsd, suicidal etc. lost my 33 year disfunctional marriage, my fault mainly. took a 120 g dose of mdma ,not extacy. game changer instantly. in a way better state. not perfect but manageable and workable. find it on the internet and get it tested before use. it gives you a hole new perspective on yourself and life. if i didnt try it i would be dead.give it a shot, you will appreciate it. i think your gov. is just starting to allow it for treatment. sometimes its too hard to qualify to get in and jump through the hoops so do it yourself. just relaxe and let it happen and go with it. you will never be as free without it. best thing i have ever done for myself. ask me more if you want. from canada
It's not your fault. Thank God the information is coming out about trauma and its effects. I am 66 and, like you, I wish I had known about generational trauma a long time ago. At least now I know what happened in my own life. I didn't raise children so I didn't pass my trauma on. Unfortunately my brother has had children and I am afraid that he might have verbally abused them. 😢
For me, especially during my youth and college years, I ended up becoming close friends with a couple very popular and high-achieving people that I unconsciously believed I could never keep as friends, because part of me believed I wasn’t good enough as a person such that I never trusted the existence of the friendship. I didn’t allow myself to imagine their fondness or connection to me was real and so I was always very insecure in those relationships. Eventually I would do something to sabotage those friendships out of some core belief that they were doomed anyway and better that I end them on my own terms rather than being abandoned on theirs. Tragedy of it all was deep down I loved these friends and wanted to be close to them. So in sabotaging these relationships I got the very things I did not want, which was to lose the things, i.e. those friendships, that I wanted. Much grief and regret follows from that.
I can relate, it’s like we lived the same story lol
U described me there 😢😭
Can someone tell me how this guy came up with these recordings and notes? He’s spot on. He should write a book. Really good stuff :)
It’s really common sense if you have been in an unhealthy family environment.
@@TeaRose9no it’s not common sense, that’s why we need therapy.
He is already explaining what is in any psychological book
we ask for courage to do the same 🙏 amen
Recently had a kid(22 yo punk) chuck a rock and smash my vans windshield. Rather then being angry about him, I was angry WITH him.
He thought I was going to hit him. He looked like a deer in headlights when I caught up with him.
I was obviously rattled but did my best to tell him straight, I was you once upon a time. Told him “you smashed my window, this could mess up your future, but I am going to let you go, I just want you to tell me what’s going on?”
He said little but it was enough. I told him to find good men, even if he doesn’t believe, men of god will help. Asked for a hug, whispered a sweet nothing in his ear and gave him a poke in the shoulder walking back to my van.
Yelled “love you brother” as I drove away.
I wish I had the brain about me in that moment to have done more as I literally saw myself in his eyes 😢 he’s got a world of pain to deal with and likely no one to guide him through it.
I hope that my actions were an example of the way out ❤
Re sexual abuse, another facet that warrants awareness, there are circumstances where the attention of the abuse becomes a love substitute that isn't hated but fills the need to be seen, felt, wanted, thankyou for the work that you do
I've come sooooo far...
It's a retraining, to trust my gut, because my gut speaks loudly, and to learn consciously what is acceptable and better than, (because I deserve the same care and love that I offer)...in our rules of healthy engagement, AND to be OK with abandoning the wounded (narcissists are wounded).
Wow this is has me on a whole next level of healing...😮
It’s important to heal to break these for our kids
Accepting and acknowledging your inner wounds Is the first step for healing and I believe it will help us to redefine ourselves for who we are and how we want to others to perceive us and not what society expects us to be ❤. Thank you so much for the support and knowledge!!
Its ENTIRELY possible for us deeply Wounded children inside to Grow Up in a Healthy way.
I started to acknowledge that wounded baby. To LOVE MYSELF FIRST.
Saved my own Damm Self. From the Danger I had a large part in Creating.
53 years old totally physically unable to work. And as Loved and Cherished as I have ever been.
When we ALLOW Others to Love us by Saving OURSELVES. Everything gets BETTER.
I weep from happiness now. Feeling SAFE for the FIRST time. I wake with JOY. I had no idea how Little I was trained to settle for by trauma and a broken society. 💔
After the THIRD abusive marriage and to a man who I thought would NEVER lay a hand on me in anger. Until he did. And I OWN My part in ALL my past struggles.
I FINALLY took charge of MY own suffering.
In a relationship that Embraces Conflict. Then lets it go.
I was TERRIFIED of speaking my own desires and needs. Especially if it inconvenienced someone in MY mind.
I bathed in Fear. No more. Its AMAZING. and if I can so can you.
We are Perfect and Whole Exactly as We Are.
Thanku ❤
This is the most accurate explanation I have heard but for some strange reason I found it weird coming from the lips of a man?! 🙃
Due to being from Uk and we're decades behind US in accepting these facts about the affects of childhood trauma, at 52 it is the first time I have ever heard a person talk about sexual abuse and how it "awakens" the sex drive before it's ready and this is what leads to promiscuity (or the opposite). I figured this out over time as a traumatised adult with CPTSD. The affect of childhood sexual abuse and the psychological abuse it goes hand in hand with, alters the (normal) physiological changes that should occur naturally leading up to adolescence. I felt these changes unnaturally and had a very strong need to have a baby before I even began to menstruate. This was all I thought about even tho at 12 and 13 I was NOT yet sexually active. My adult life became all about creating the very thing I was trying to avoid. I am a "textbook" example of childhood abuse survivor and so grateful it is now being vocalised so accurately, not only to make it clearer to anyone that hasn't experienced it, but to validate my own feelings and see how much I have healed... alone. ❤🙏🙏
I'm learning so much abuut my tesonse to my life ss a alcoholic. My recovery has been complicated by complex trauma.I have always been conflict avoidant because of my childhood.Thankyou Tim.
This has made me feel validated just listening to it.❤
I've been in therapy for 20 years, now going to school to be an MFT and this lecture just answered every question I've ever wanted answered. Thank you, and thank you @theovon for showing us him!
Pretty tragic stuff, what a huge dose of Love needed upon earths humanity. People need people far more than we realize it seems and we appear to drift further further apart instead of caring about each other...or maybe its "trauma" talking ;-) Im blown by this video. I am so very grateful.
Tim I thank God for your words of wisdom...
This explains exactly what I’ve been saying is how my two youngest children took the toxic unhealthy path that their abusive sociopath father taught them. 💔
it might be useful to know that you are responsible as well, there are therapists and episodes where they discuss the enabling parent
what was your part apart from blaming?
@@AA-iy4gm are all parents enablers? I was not the addict parent, but one part I did wrong was to marry an addict. During the time that my two youngest teenage children became addicts I tried to help them but I absolutely did not know how to help them. I had them in therapy but I didn’t know how to correctly help them at that time. They’re adults now and I’m still trying to learn what I can do to help, which is the reason I’m following this RUclips channel and learning as much as possible. I know that I have made mistakes with them. I was saying that they were taught to be addicts by their addiction father.
It's not your fault. It's very, very hard for safe parents to fight both genetics and trauma. Don't let anyone blame you for something you didn't do.
victim blame much guys?
So many ways we have been hurt. But only one way to heal: love ourselves.
I have complex PTSD but it started at age 21 due to my first love and long term relationship was physically abusive. My childhood was normal and my parents were loving and supportive. They were married 51 years. There was no abuse of any kind or neglect. But I have three physically abusive relationships as an adult. My first love, my ex-husband and father of my daughter, and the father of my son and live-in partner of six years. I have subscribed because everything you’re saying relates and applies to me 100%. it was important to point out that complex trauma and PTSD does not always have to be a result of your childhood
The High Powered podcast 💜
C trauma happens in layers during development. By 21 you are quite developed. What you describe would be more like ptsd. People w healthy childhoods dont end up in abusive relationships and they dont stay in them. My guess is youve experienced emotional and psychological abuse and you cant see it yet or arent allowed to admit to yourself. C trauma is def childhood related. Ptsd is not.
I mean this in the utmost sincere way.....how does this happen?
You grow up in a loving 2 parent homes, end up in an abusive relationship? Like if that was never modeled how exactly does that work?
I'm curious.....I grew up with a narcissistic mother, so my trauma bonds make sense.
Is this a self-esteem thing? I am genuinely interested in how healthy homes can yield these types of results?
You probably nevrr expectedto be abused so became a vulnerable target. Especially if you were trusting. Anyone can be victimised, anyone can be abused, context and being a in an alien context doesnt help....
@@tizzlekizzle Im sorry but that is not the case with me. Abuse doesn’t happen immediately. I was 3 years into a five year relationship before the abuse started. I did not find out for several years later why the sudden change in him. He was my first love, first sexual relationship, etc. I hid the abuse from everyone most importantly my parents. and it’s very possible to have PTSD from long-term domestic abuse. It doesn’t have to be from childhood as I said, I have had three of my most significant relationships were all physically abusive starting at age 21 until 45. And because it is ongoing, long term trauma and the nature of my symptoms, I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. In fact, I present as ADHD but I did not have these symptoms as a child. It makes no difference if it started when I was an adult. I’m sorry but I did have a healthy childhood and I did end up in abusive relationships. There are two ways to get Complex PTSD. One is childhood trauma. The other is domestic abuse.
While CPTSD is often associated with chronic
trauma in childhood, adults who experience chronic trauma can also develop the condition.
Just came up for the first time today.
Better late than never.
Bless him.
This man truly understands us 😌
I am so thankful that I found your channel, it has blessed my life and my healing.
I never thought something was wrong with me. I was the baby in my family. Everyone knew I was unique.😊
All i ever wanted was to be loved and couldnt be because i pushed everyone away needing it so much.. i finalllly shut it off and immediately people love me lol.
Being human is so dumb
It really is
I'd say it depends on what would you see as love. It might differ from a person to a person..
This guy is the TRUTH
This is soooo amazing!! This is the biggest reasons I decided NOT to have kids….I struggled so hard with complex trauma and addictions but I did overcome my addictions with meditation and lots and lots of therapy
This is deeply hitting home
Your talks are so wonderful and insightful. It's like hearing about myself.
All we have to do is let go and be completely authentic. Shed the trauma and become the beautiful gem you have always been deep inside. The one that's been hidden away from the world. Set her free. She knows all the answers to the questions you seek.
It's all about having Patience & and Grace for yourself.
Be the parent you always wanted... to yourself.
And most of all, Enjoy the Journey 💜
Yes. I do. It's good luck, I feel. But then I go thru unnecessary stress. I gotta take the time to sit and really listen to this guy.
WOW! My eyes have been opened! I learned in one hour what i didn’t learn in therapy in 15 years!
This is excellent. And the one that just made me break down in tears because there is so much truth is: a trauma background creating new trauma in adulthood. My childhood experiences have not nearly been as painful as my adult ones. Even as a faithful Christian, I was not listening to that gut. I have been trying to recover fully from some things that happened caused by this. It has been very painful, and God is healing and freeing. But this is one of the most helpful explanations I've encountered as to why this painful adult trauma happened. I have to trust to work it all out for good. And pray I can stop this cycle.
Thank you. You have explained so much in a manner that is so clear and easy to understand. I have so much healing and work to do.
This made me cry. I've been trying to understand why I am the way I am...and why I can't change it.
These videos are amazing in how much lines up with experience. One concern I have, though, is about "narcissism". His description of what defines a narcissist fits almost every man from, say, 100 years ago and beyond. What today we label narcissist behavior in a man used to be called "being a man". I am not trying to be coy or rude here. Try naming a period in history when the majority of men not only helped with the logistics of raising a child, but with the emotional nurturing of raising a child. As to women, before 1960 there were very few women (percentage-wise) that had the audacity to suggest that they had needs that should be considered.
So very useful in my healing journey .thanks Tim for all your generosity of sharing
I absolutely love your channel, it explains to everyone, the ins and outs of topics - without all the professional jargon busting words.
I'm a mental health worker, and I've found listening to you, really helpful and inspiring 😊
This guy is sharing AMAZING information sooooooo clearly!
THANK YOU!!!
I am so glad to have found you Tim. Thank you for being a part of my healing and trauma education. 💛
Spot on thank you so much for this information. It helps a lot. I had to go no contact with my birth family cause of cognitive dissonance. It was messing with my brain and I thought I was going mad. After no contact there has been healing but also a great sorrow that I need to deal with the rest of my life. And I struggle to have health relationships in my life. ❤
I am concerned about my deliberate retrauma. Specifically regarding incessant research on the internet surrounding my trauma.
Yes, it's very important to not become obsessed with one's trauma - I've learned this through experience. An important phase of healing is moving on toward constructive modes of daily living.
Thank you. At 60 years old, I finally come across information that gives me understanding of why my life has been so challenging. I could be the poster child for this video! You explain these concepts perfectly. God oh mighty. Thank you.
Question- so NOW HOW DO I REPAIR MY BROKEN MARRIAGE?
Thanks for sharing. I have experienced severe abuse in my childhood along the lines described here which has had awful consequences later on in my adult life. And it is very difficult to deal with, but I remain hopeful that I will come through this and above all avoid the negative persons (my family) and not go back to them for acceptance
I am going through shit of my life from my parents bring up…I just wanted to throw my laptop to the wall of what I heard what my mom did to me….
I didn’t cause I want to hear more…but my feelings are such a rollercoaster of what happend to me in this family
Hey a thrower!
High five, sister!
I'm feeling like breaking things for the past 2 months. But I keep thinking. Autumn can only last so long. Or maybe I've already hit winter. Anyways spring is on the way, and so I'll be blooming again.
At least with optimism, I get to live the relief twice.
XXX
This man literally explains my life
Top video. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD. I walked away from my family 12 years and it was hard at first but now im finally forging ahead and enjoying life at the age of fifty. I realised it was too hard to heal with my abusive weirdo family in my life draining my energy and resources
This is exactly me, I left home at 18 for college and havent permanently been back since Im turning 24 this year and I am finding it so hard to undo a life of that. My dad has alll sorts of trauma, full blown narcissist and my partner is the perfect person for me ITs been hard to accept healthy and good he helps me identify when im reacting from my trauma and splitting, I believe I may have BPD as a result of my cptsd. I have healed a lot lately by building my confidence, I DEFINITELY need therapy but im a broke grad student haha
This is THE MOST frustrating dynamic. I would swear the new person was absolutely nothing at all like the last one.. "i got a good guy this time!" Then find out too late theyre just as violent and abusive as the last one.
I’m in this situation right now. But my eyes are wide open.
@@shewho333 i said that so many times. Im so sick of being wrong. I literally give up. There's just no way to know. And by the time I find out, the damage is already done. I just can't with that shit, anymore.
@@yuriination yep, a lot of women esp with CPTSD we have this. Even women without this have us and if we talk about it sometimes we still get blamed by men.
Thank goodness people put these videos up. Been trying to better myself. ❤
Thank you Tim, I needed this🙏🏾 see a lot of painful behavior in myself from a painful childhood. I appreciate you.
Some form of unhealthy/imperfect parenting is in reality a given, since none of us is perfect. What we as parents can do, is our (limited) best, and then we can prayerfully trust God to somehow fix the mistakes we had made - even without knowing.
Wonderful to realise that we as imperfect children of imperfect parents (as had been rightfully explained here and at the end of the previous lecture) can - similar to Joseph - choose a healthy path; this instead of following the wrong example/s modelled by our parents and/or other family members.
We should also not forget that ultimately God is The Creator of ALL life; including (physical and other) imperfections. As is for example Written: 'The thorn in one's flesh' is there for a reason (one possibly being to keep one humble).
This series has been so eye opening
i can relste 100%, thank you for helpiky me acknowledge the continuing vicious cycles of default abusess and what feels normal when it clearly isnt normal.
This is one of the best lectures I’ve ever heard. You have done an excellent of explaining trauma and its effects.
Thank you, Tim! God bless you and your family 🙏
I am planning to watch all teachings...
I can recognise myself in what you're saying- used to over-talk and over-explain a lot in the past.
So thankful that God has healed me a lot. It has been a long journey but so glad that I'm not who I used to be. It has helped me to be much more compassionate towards others who are struggling.
Thank you so much for this. This empowers me with the understanding that what shows up is determined by my combination of realities and transforming into a vehicle for truth and not a pushover for acceptance 🎯
As a kid my biggest dream was to be a mom. But I’ve learned that dreams don’t necessarily make someone happy or content.
My girlfriend & I have decided not have children because we have a lot of physical disabilities & mental health issues between us.
If we had kids we would put everything into their mental, physical, & emotional needs. But there would be nothing left for ourselves or each other. We’re just happy to have each other & to stop the dysfunction we endured. I hope everyone here does what is truly best for them & that they live the best lives possible
Thank you for doing that. I wish more people would consider this. Ruminated on this with my own parents as well in years of suicidal depression like why did you do this? Child-rearing is so selfish tbh
Totally get your decision, both me and my husband suffered all sorts of abandonment and trauma from our upbringing. We never felt rounded or supported enough to start a family, knew we just didn't have the tools to cope with children, I'm sad now I'm in my late fifty's but know it was the right decision!
@@DoctorDarlingTTV well, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have children. You just have to make sure that you have room for them mentally, emotionally, & physically. My partner & I struggle would with that. We are emotionally available enough for a child, but our lack of energy mentally & physically would just get in the way too much for that to be the best option for us or a child. We would be good parents, but wouldn’t be able to be good parents & good partners & that would eventually hurt our kid. So we decided against it
@@glendawoodcock4994 it’s completely understandable. Children are a wonderful thing. Honestly, few things made me happier, but it’s a 24/7 job. & it’s a hard one. I’m glad that you made the right decision for you & I hope that you’re very happy despite not having kids
I’m terribly sorry about your suicidal depression. My girlfriend & I have both struggled with it. I encourage you to try your best to heal & be happy. & if someday you want a child & you have the room in your life for them, meaning that you can do things like help them cope for their big feeling every time they need it then, I recommend at least considering it. We all fear being unhealthy like our parents, but it is very possible not to be an unhealthy person even if you have mental health struggles. But I’m certainly not trying to pressure you into it
@@glendawoodcock4994 I’m really proud of you for putting the needs of a child before your wants of having one. I really hope that you & your husband are happy despite it