EXPECT THIS when you’re ARGUING with a narcissist
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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You will go nowhere arguing with a narcissist. Even when proving them wrong with facts, they will blatantly deny them and make up their own facts just to discredit you. There is no point arguing with them because all they care about is having the last word and winning.
True !
Really scary stuff…To the point their fabrication can cause serious damage and kills reputation
True!
True
It frustrates the hell out of a narc if you don’t react to their cruel relentless baiting. My husband baited me mercilessly when we were first married. He really did a number on me. I spent more time crying over his gas lighting and was totally confused. I would have left but he cleverly ( and I, stupidly) set up my isolation and financial commitment. Word salad will make your head spin. Now I am emotionally disengaged. I agree with everything he says with a shrug. I told him “ you whipped the I care right out of me. I don’t care. Find someone else that makes you happy….”. I am tapped out emotionally. It’s lawyer time - but it will have to be his idea. Control. Vindictive. Revengeful. and a good dose of military PTSD he won’t ever acknowledge. 🤷♀️
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.
- Socrates
This has occurred in the news media for years. It also occurs in businesses. I unintentionally got two bosses fired because of the way they treated employees in different places where I worked.
FACTS
Arguing with a narcissist is like wrestling with an octopus, there is always another tentacle you weren't expecting that's gonna pop up and smack you in the face. They'll say the nastiest wierdest things to knock you off balance. You're not talking to someone who wants to hear your pov! You'll leave the interaction feeling unstable confused and ruminating over and over getting angrier and more upset, still wanting them to hear your side. Don't bother, they do not want to hear it
That's TRUE💯💯💯
When you’re emotionally invested, you feel the need to prove your point. When you’re not emotionally invested, you just don’t care anymore. And this my friend, is where you need to get to. YOU.JUST.DONT.CARE. 💐
Painful and true
Surprise! They can even call you unhinged when you are sitting there calmly listening to their rant. They will actually project their own crazy escalation onto you while you are quietly remaining silent!! And they will believe their own lie.
THIS, all the time. I am sitting and not saying a word while he is foaming at the mouth, pacing, screaming, cursing, and telling me I can't possibly think clearly because I am bipolar. This can go on for hours without me saying a word. That's when I put my headphones on and watch these videos. Hubby is blind and can't tell what I am doing...
Speaking as a sibling, it's almost comical how a narcissist will remember, and hold against you every little thing that you ever did wrong starting from the day of your birth. Imagine a middle age person haranguing you because of something you did when you were five.
I am there. As executor of my father's will I have been through more hell from siblings (after 50 years of bad treatment) than I though possible. Gpod to know I'm not alone.
@@Benjaminleo815 A parent's passing or illness seems to bring out the ugly among family members. Some of my siblings basically abandoned me and my other sibling to deal with our mother and her home when she got too ill to live by herself. I don't have much to do with them anymore.
😂commonly comical if we can stay calm and confident in our own POV fostering closeness vs egg shell walking
@@p.w.352rejection can be protection. Ours died and neither contacted me to let me know & he’s her executor. Guess it’s kinda common not okay just not unheard of in these types of situations with the narc parent dying and siblings who are different
Facts! I’m going through this with 3 of my siblings at the moment.
It's futile. Just walk away and resist the devils attempts to devour you.
They say they don't want you anymore but they don't actually leave.. making you confused and off balanced. This is gaslighting
They are parasitic cowards.
This leads to so much confusion at points where there is no energy to even talk normally like nothing
Timestamps
00:28 - They will gaslight you
05:14 - They will make you look unstable
15:32 - They will use word salad to dodge the argument
24:55 - They will bring up old grievances
32:50 - They will bait you, poke you, and incite you
Thank you for the timestamps ⏲
15 years of it, 100% accurate!!!!
They will insult you.
One therapist once told me "There are people who deny that the holocaust ever happened too." That put the narcissist's responses in a whole different light!
That's hardly a sign of narcissism. Unless you were there then you only have some dodgy war propaganda and the memories of some old people who were 5 at the time..
Just asking questions about it will land you in prison in some countries. Seems like quite a disproportionate response.
Or have a father coming back from fighting the Nazis in WW 2 with memories of piled up bodies of Jews and who suffered PTSD for the rest of his life.
@@wayland7150 It was an example she used when describing how a narc will gaslight a situation. It wasn't meant as a way to diagnose an narc.
@@mwilson7842 I'm sorry that happened to him. Ptsd is a horrible thing. I hope he finds/found peace.
That is too funny! I actually did record a conversation with my husband for that very reason! And yes, I was always being played with manipulation. Married now for over 50 years to this man. Learned about 5 years ago how to catch this now and stop the damage. Now that I am on to him, we get along much better. Problem is after all these years, my body is broken down from all the stressful years. I needed you 40 years ago! So listen folks and learn how to stop the abuse. Now I am old and sick but you have a chance to turn things around❤
Amen sister. I feel for you. 😊
Omg😢I’ve also been married, 44 years to a vulnerable covert narcissistic & only put a finger on it recently thru counseling with an excellent psychologist & left him 2 mos ago. I’m in the process of unraveling all that I’ve known in my gut for years! I feel like I’ve lost everyone & everything. I’m trying to make the decision to start over or go back armored & tooled with what I know now & make the best of it. I’m 62 now. 😢 so trag😢ic
Yo sister! 48 years of confusion and stress for me. I am finally figuring it out, and yes, it’s a lot better when you can recognize what is happening and walk away. But of course, nothing ever gets resolved even when you really need a resolution.
Bless you 😢 I feel your pain, regrets and sadness. I’m still with my narc husband nearly 29 years married 😔
Blessings! Im torn up too, but I do all I can with whats left. I hope to volunteer at the senior center this Spring and show people how to do crafts!
Never EVER communicate with a narcissist by text. It will go wrong so many ways, there won't be enough words left to put it right. Get in early with a comment to them that text is not sufficient for clear communication and LEAVE IT THERE. Don't read the twenty eight paragraphs they wrote. Don't let them live rent free in your head. Be blunt about telling them that you did not read all the paragraphs as soon as you realised it was a rant. Skip to the end. Let them waste their energy on empty space. Force them to explain themselves to your face if they dare. Be ruthless. They are not looking after you and do not intend to. So you must do that. Set boundaries, and enforce them with a rod of iron. Don't allow the negotiating to start. You know where it will end. You can love the narcissist, but don't make a big deal of it. Love sometimes means holding firm boundaries when the one that you love has failed to do so.
They can also use text against you and manipulate what you write.
Have you noticed that the film & entertainment industry glamourizes narcs as "misunderstood", "diamond in the rough", broken individuals who just need someone to see them, be emotionally supportive and understanding so they can change into the most amazing and supportive people in the storyline???
It's all a Hollywood ILLUSION, A PIPE DREAM.
It sends the wrong message to millions of kids, teens, and adults worldwide.
The film industry is literally leading MILLIONS of unsuspecting innocent good people, young and old, down a dark path of thinking that they can fix one of these so-called broken individuals like they show in the movies and accepting trauma-bonding as normal, natural, and acceptable and to hold onto future faking in the form of false hope that one day they'll change into that pretend amazing person.
It's future-faking.
It's euphemistically making narcs look like great people on screen.
It's concealing WHAT narcs REALLY ARE.
It's fooling whole generations of people into getting into narcissistic abusive relationships under false hope. Resulting in mental/emotional destabilizing and produces physical health problems for otherwise GOOD people
Yup. Unfortunately, there is no redemption arc IRL with one of these people. 🙁
Preys upon compassion and denigrates safe boundaries, all the time, programming people to be perpetual victims.
There is often an overlooked link to Munchausen (not necessarily By Proxy) and Narcissism, especially regarding whom they target and why. Scary stuff, targeting an expert in a given area, to get one over on, outsmart, the expert and if they fail, well no loss, because that person is an expert.
I think narcissism has become a “social norm”. It’s important to send a subtle message to push people into accepting or putting up with narcissists.
@@shanghaimoondon’t forget that the ‘real victim’ is the Narcissist…
My mother used to say "If I say the sky is purple, the sky is purple". Never join the narcissist's reality. Because it isn't reality
The FIRST thing I can expect is A CHILD THROWING A TEMPER TANTRUM INCLUDING KNOCKING THINGS ONTO THE FLOOR, HITTING, AND KICKING. While she is doing that, I walk away. She says “Are you ignoring me?” I say, “I’m trying.” In case you’re wondering, I’m in a situation that has taken me years to work through. I believe I am finally going to make necessary improvements in ‘24 for me to make the needed changes in my life. 😊 I hope you all have A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.
What you described sounds all too familiar, and I, too, am making steps of progress to leave this drama behind. Every step closer is so freeing... I wish you the best as you do what you need to for you!
Yeah. I’ve become a certain way that triggers narcissists into a temper tantrum really fast. At least they identify themselves.
If the social situation is non complicated it’s fun to say “are you really having a temper tantrum?” And then mimic them. And then act like they’ve thrown up on themselves
Thankyou and same to you!
Don’t argue with them, it’s not worth your sanity.😂
I got in an argument with my ex on the phone and I was in public, he was at home. He said “how dare you yell at me in public” I was like WTF, no one knew who I was talking to. 😂 It’s all about them…everything.
I seriously feel the last 21 months of my life has been the Twilight Zone.
They also won't let you set any boundaries, like ever. 🙄
Indeed. I work from home (I wish I could afford studio space) and am constantly interrupted by my retired GF. I told her consider me away at “the office” when my door is closed, and only interrupt me with things that you would normally phone me at work about. This worked for about half a day, but she still expecting a “gold star” for being good about it. Ugh.
@@mochachaiguy sorry to hear. It can be so challenging.
@@JanGroh Thanks, Jan. Challenging indeed. Just now, I had to tell her that I would clean up the gardening mess on the balcony when I broke for dinner. Sigh.
@@mochachaiguy I think of it as like expecting a dog not to bark - it's just not in their nature. BTW, does your GF have ADHD by chance? That can make them very nosy as they strive to stave off boredom and loneliness (with you as the only/main supply she used to get at work). I would work toward finding her a good hobby or interest group outside the home, as you are her only supply otherwise.
@@JanGroh That's a helpful perspective.👍🏽. No diagnosis of ADHD as far as I know. She was a docent at a shoe museum until the arrival of Covid put a stop to all that - it was a perfect for, she loves to meet new people and can chat for ages. By the time they were accepting volunteers again, she developed osteoarthritis in both hips not enough for a replacement yet though, then two torn rotator cuffs, now a fractured pelvis. I've had long discussions with her about her interests, and what hobbies she may find engaging, but those discussions haven't bared any real fruit to date. We started doing puzzles, but she’s been increasingly frustrated with even the 500 piece ones. It turns out that pattern matching isn’t her strong suit. I’ve been encouraging her friends to reach out a bit more, and some of them have. I’m grateful for that, and she is as well, but if they cancel for any reason… things get messy. Anyway…. Thanks again for the sage tips and perspective.
It's more difficult when they use your own scatterbrained-ness against you.
"Why do you remember this but not that?" Yes I forget some stuff I've been told, and they use that to claim you're ignoring things on purpose or use the opportunity to make up things. Makes me feel like I'm the gaslighter.
My GF has even admitted (in a tame moment of truthfulness) that some times she “remembers things that never happened”, but goes ballistic if I call into question her recollection of something I’ve actually documented.
The best piece of advice I've gotten about responding to a gaslight is simply this: "I don't agree with you. I'm done talking about this."
This is my adult narcissist daughter. I never could "prove my point", get validation, make her admit she did or said something hurtful. It was always "I didn't say that, you are crazy. I told you that you have issues". Everything you said I have lived.
Me too. Hang in. Blessed Christmas!🎄🙏🤴🎁☃️🔔
They want to 'get you on the ropes' because they thrive on conflict. Walking away is good for your health.
I found this out the hard way. Finally after years I finally know how the mind is a narcissist works. Well bottom line is they don't care how anyone feels or thinks. Ultimate control is their only goal of course with an approving audience when it suits them. No contact, grey rock, yellow rock and know when to walk away is now my ultimate goal. My Viper narcissist mother no longer has my attention. I wish I knew this years ago.
Oh, ya! My narcissistic sister made a vague complaint to me. When I asked her to clarify, she decided to bring up something from 20 year ago that I did not even remember. My response was something like "I don't remember saying that but if I did, it was not a particularly nice thing to say". After this, she sent me an email demanding an apology for five other things that happened over the past 20 years. I never did find out the basis of the original complaint.
She just had to keep going. 😂
The best is when they make a big deal out of nothing, they won't let it go and then when they push you to anger, you have the problem, you have anger issues, you need a therapist and on and on. Then when you said, " You were the one to bring up ....." Oh, no, they just asked a question or made a comment, and you are the one who got upset and made a big deal about nothing. They project everything they just did on to you and now they are the victim of you. Now imagine being a kid and this is your parent doing this to your young mind for over a decade.
Every discussion with a narc ends up in a debate and or heated discussion.... even when it comes to would you like a cup of tea!!!!!
Here's what I do, I look him my full attention, say "REALLY!" I laugh, shake my head & walk away! If he starts reacting I say I'm busy. I'll make you an appointment on the 15th of next month. It's always the 15th of next month.
‘denial’ and ‘deflection’ = the story of my marriage. Thank-you for validating that (my) reality isn’t just all in my head.
So he just hit me in my nose and immediately after that he starting yelling I DIDNT TOUCH YOU, YOU HIT ME, and then he went to the police station and told them a whole story that I have no clue about. I NEVER TOUCHED HIM IN ANYWAY POSSIBLE. What’s worst is that he is also a police officer 👮🏿♂️
I have a super narcissistic sibling. In my case, I had to disengage to the point where I’m not even physically around her, and she LIKES having that kind of an effect on me and others. If I remained silent or calm in an argument, I was physically assaulted. I remember one time she punched me repeatedly while I was driving and I was trying to make a left turn in a busy intersection. Another time I was about to see a friend that she had a falling out with, and I was given a black eye- I had to go to work like that and everything. She has since been arrested for physical assault, admitted to a psych hospital, and court-ordered to do therapy. I was so hopeful that she would at least change after hitting rock-bottom, but nope. She gaslights everyone she’s ever physically hurt into thinking that we deserved it somehow and that she didn’t know how to make “the abuse” (in reality: ego injuries) stop, therefore, she had “no choice” but to lash out violently. People used to believe that I was being overdramatic and that we were just having normal sibling arguments until they themselves were around her alone and got into their own disagreements with her, THEN they would see it for themselves. She still has a violent temperament to this day, and has no one in her social circle because of it. We all got tired of being her punching bag. She violently abused animals when we were little, too.
December can be a difficult month for me because my Mother died in dec, my daughter became a type 1 diabetic in dec, and other deaths etc. I was feeling down early December a few years ago and told my X narc how I was feeling. He replied “You’re just having a pity party”. OMG!!!!!! I was in shock. I mentioned this comment to him at a later date. He said “I never said that”. This is when IO realized he’d been gaslighting me for years. KNOW YOUR REALITY MY FELLOW NARC SURVIVORS.
If vigilantism was legal, I believe narcissists would control their actions.
No , their flying monkeys would hit you first ! 😮
An interesting way to look at things.
It would boomerang big time! I have no desire to go to jail…….
Omg I halfway agree with this but they’d have you unjustly killed in a heartbeat!
In a certain place and time, where narci's ruled and WERE the gov. and police -
EVERYTHING got so illegal and out of control in thier efforts to end my life I had to act -
and the narcissists were found ded on the ground.
When I tried to call law enforcement to report it they hung up on me.
Unmarked federal cars followed me around town till I fled to my home state {and they still do}.
Oh, one time while suffering 9 years as "a homeless person" the rich family made me into - I got a DA on the phone from my late mother's place, was about to name names. heard a buzzing on the line and looked at the phone to see the battery drain down to zero and shut off!
'Them' can do that, as if their "vigilantism' in the name of totalitarian gang stalking narcissisisism was LEGAL!
OH -then my 90 year old mother Shirley just plain DISAPPEARED, she knew too much, and did not want her son to freeze to death. She wanted to switch from helping 'Them' to heling me, and she was gone, taken shrieking from her retirement home an drugged into a coma and... - my inheritance also went where I will never get to it.
@@Greenawareness188 The Flying Monkey vigilantes would Strike First Strike Hard without any mercy... OMG this is basically Cobra Kai.
You make me laugh SO HARD ! 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣 I just love you explaining word salad 🙌🏼🤣🤣🤪
THANK YOU 🙏🏼
My neighbor is a fireman and he's an ASSHOLE. There was a plastic grocery bag stuck to the side of his house for a week. We were leaving and he was outside walking back and forth past the bag. When we got back, the bag was at the side of our house in the backyard in a scrunch up ball. I pick it up and threw it in the garbage, I should have thrown it back. I saw him later that night and confronted him, saying "I don't appreciate you throwing garbage in our backyard". He told me, "It was the wind I swear." There wasn't any wind, and even if there was the wind isn't going to turn it into a ball. He's the neighborhood's KEVIN, he likes to complain about everything and everyone. Yet he throws the snow back on the street after it's been plowed, he of all people should know that's illegal.
What a miserable man. So sorry he's your neighbor... good neighbors are worth their weight in gold, bad neighbors worth their weigh in s#!t... for everyone around them. Here's to praying that he moves soon!! 🙏🏻💯😏
Oh man. Darn kid never grew up. And the darn kid sounds just like a KEVIN, the neighborhood fireman ASSHOLE. The hell? What is happening to Americans? They pacify us with credit cards and mortgages. We buy what we think we want but it’s really just cuz that’s what they tell us we should want. I swear we finally get the credit score up, sure as heck get the card, the new car, device, etc. then the next thing comes out. We get in tbe car. Then we see the next model. Slaves to credit cards. Pacified and too busy to pay attention to the important stuff….
Good for you for saying something. I like it.
Yeah, don’t throw anything back on his property. Don’t argue. Just build a large fence. Separation is the best decision; be proactive (cameras, if need be) not reactive. Document, be accommodating to the degree one can. They love to fight and they hope to bring you down with them, if not worse. There are several series on TV that show neighbors that are willing to kill, just to get their way or prove a point.
It's so refreshing 😊 and mind blowing to listen to this woman. I seriously don't like my Narcissistic parent.
Oh oh oh your example of the word salad!!!!!!!! Effing brilliant!!!!!! My insane marriage. Holy cow. Sooooo accurate
My mother just gaslighted me this afternoon. She made up a series of events and called me being forgetful because she knew I was going to deny all. She was enraged the whole time. She was simply being antagonistic to what I asked of her. I must be mindful and Thanks you.
I watched a video from Lee Hammock, a recovering NPD in therapy, and he calls those public provoking a narcissistic dog whistle. Instead of an inside joke, it's an inside trigger that the narcissist will say and only his target will hear and understand and get triggered. He is trying to get them to react to show the public how unhinged his partner looks.
Some people are just sick + dangerous.
It's best to stay far, far away......
Extremely hard to do if you are related by blood.
The whole thing is just a terrible mess of lies and punishments.
I cannot grasp how fragile the truth has become.
It is akin to living in a house of mirrors.
Very hard to endure.
You’re spot on. This is such an accurate description of narcissistic gaslighting.
Ahhhhhhh! This explains so much for me in the last 6 years. My stepddaughter would spark me up, then seem so controlled and collected while provoking me as I'm seen as so dramatic and overreactive.😢
Oh yeah. That is their trademark. Get you worked up and remain calm, while smirking. Drives you mad!
Thank you so much for your videos. I just got out of a 7 year long relationship. I had to call the police. He confessed to SA and is being charged. Your videos really save lives ❤
You are an amazing woman.
Dr. Ramani is truly amazing, but she is so much more than that, she is an incredible soul and teacher, offering help to scores of people who are completely lost and suffering and don’t even know where to turn
She helped me immensely, helped me to acquire steady footing and retain my sanity in a horrible situation
Thank you, wonderful, amazing Dr Ramani
My ex wife would gaslight me into thinking I was gaslighting her and needed help. Ironically, the help she convinced me into needing, I did need, to finally be able to see her as she was and getting the heck out!
These videos have just been so eye opening. Thank you!
You’re so right. My narc ex did such bizarre things that i felt I couldn’t speak about it without sounding crazy myself. It didn’t help that he was popular with the community where we lived.
Yes,my ex neighbour would bait the whole time and when I finally gave her a piece of my mind ,she'd act all scared and say,"Look at you
I'm scared of you,you're cookoos
Im going to pray for you"😏😣
Oddly enough,two days later she's calling me again😏
Oh my, the “word salad” always made me shut down, nervous and feeling worthless. No more, no more.
7 therapists in 14 years. He looked composed and quiet and the paragon of virtue. I looked like the nutjob
Six years away from this insanity..... not one angry outburst
OMG! I just literally went exactly through that 10 minutes ago.
And at the end, she said: "get help, dude".
Dr. Ramini, IM FINALLY STARTING TO SURPRISE MY HUSBAND W)MY RAMINI KNOWLEDGE & BOOM I THREW IT RIGHT BACK @HIM W/ALL HIS FOOLISHNESS, I SOUNDED MORE EDUCATED & LOOKED GREAT TAKING THE HIGHER ROAD... SORRY IF THAT SOUNDS LIKE BRAGGING, ITS JUST ABOUT TIME & RIGHT TO TURN THE TABLES! KARMA DOES COME, MANIFESTATION! 🙏 THANKS AGAIN!
When I confronted a narcissist about some things he said, which were quite mean, he stopped speaking to me.
He probably would have tried to gaslight me by denying his words, but in this case, it wasn't possible.
U got lucky lol 😂
Mine didn’t even deny it, he just laughed and blamed his cruel words on me.
I appreciate you so much ❤️❤️❤️ You give us a voice. The laws definitely have to change. These Gaslighting & narcissistic abuse needs to be in the umbrella of Domestic violence .IT IS ABUSE !! then we'll start getting people held accountable🎉🎉🎉 An we'll have a healthier society.. xoxo MY NARCISSISTIC MOTHER had me drugged up on bipolar medicine to shut me up. I have ADHD an imma truth teller. Scapegoat it sucked. But I learned a lot. An that was the plan right !!! So now that we know then we have to move accordingly. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE
Yes, people should definitely be held accountable for this
It's just mind boggling. I have a very good teacher memory. Looking back after 25 years of gaslighting, I'm realizing my gut and my mind were spot on, but I didn't listen.... wow!
Dr Ramani, you are looking beautiful in this dress! This colour suits you.
My narcissist is an expert in making everything my fault. 20 years of my fault. I have known him for 38 years, and before our marriage, he blamed his Mom for his problems. I knew how he was, and I still thought he would be different in sharing his life with me, his supposed lifetime love. There is truth in how a man treats his Mom is how he will treat you. At least, that is true in my life. I KNEW how he was and I STILL believed with me he would finally find happiness. Nope. Thanks to your videos I have finally gotten the strength and education to know what's really going on and to get out. No more wasted time for me!
Excellent. My two ex-girlfriends behaved in such way. I never can defend myself against their blamings. When I show my problems they started immediately return them back on me and everything were my fault. Very toxic.
Thank you so much. You provide such clarity. These talks have helped me so much.
The word salad example was perrrfect 😂 Unfortunately got a minor cptsd flashback but I was laughing at how often that happened in my family. Listening to them like "Dear God please just shut up!"
Thanks Dr Ramani. I recently saw that movie. I am in therapy and happier than ever after 25 years of struggling the narc in my life. All my romantic relationships were that way so I am happily divorced. Learning healthy boundaries. I thought all my ex's were in a screw with Bethclub
I learned that lesson quickly . I just tell my husband yup your right. I tell him hes right about everything it doesn't matter what it is. And walk away.
I’m so glad I found this. I’ve seen many Dr. Ramani videos since I’ve left a narcissistic relationship. But her covering THIS is spot on and I feel more understood somehow. I’m so glad she’s here to listen to.
I'm going through absolute HELL!! I live with a narcissist and he gaslights me everyday when I don't see him for a few days he hates it cuz he goes out of his way to engage in conversation but I don't go off the beaten track I stick with yes & no answers it's so difficult cuz I'm full of so much empathy and it's so hard to stop saying how are you too him. 😢😢 I'm so unwell over this I can't cope some days I feel so tired and trapped..
I, one day, set a boundary. I meant the boundary for the day, but he thought I meant forever. It worked!
We were organizing the garage one weekend. He was belittling and condescending the first day of the organizing (though it was happening all the time--I literally thought of hurting myself because of feeling trapped). That first evening, I said, "If you speak to me in a belittling, condescending, demeaning, and/or disrespectful way, I will walk away, and you are on your own."
I meant it for the next day. A week later, a month later, he showed me he CAN control himself.
It comes down to knowing your worth and advocating for yourself.
@@lydia_a_a thank you for that helped me.
Dr. Ramani"s reenactment of the hijacking of the discussion was spectacular. I feel like I have gone into another dimension when this happens. When you are finally able to exit and find safety it is like your mind is speaking gibberish. What just happened?
You cannot put your heart into a relationship with them......period! It's a game and once you realize that, you play them until you can do better. Thats the only way to win. If not , you can loose your mind with them but that can only happen if you love them and put your heart into the relationship. DON'T and you'll be okay. Its sounds horrible but they are only good to be used. No future there. I speak from experience with one. They abuse kindness and love. As soon as you are able to, leave.
From the Matrix movie; “you never really know someone until you fight them.” Emotions are flying, words that would never be spoken in controlled conversations are spoken, control is lost to truth!! Listen closely in high emotion confrontations….that’s what I’ve learned.
I said to one guy once "It must be nice to perfect."
Over a perceived slight on him, which never happened, he flipped out verbally.
It was a very unnerving experience.
I have a box of I love you, you are the best mom, and a box of all the jobs I had and I applied for, as my child insists I ruined her life, we were never happy, and I never worked!
He accused me of stealing from him while he was in Florida. I just calmly told him "So now I'm a thief. That says a lot about this relationship. "
And he had nerve accusing me of anything considering he took another woman with him to Florida.
WOW THANK YOU FOR SAYING HOW THIS TERM WAS FOUNDED..ALWAYS WONDERED WHERE GASLIGHTING CAME FEOM
I’m so glad when you tell us all this stuff I’m far enough away from it now that it makes me laugh. It’s all so right on! ❤
Arguing with the Narc...
0:28 They will gaslight you
5:15 They will make you look unstable
15:32 They will use word salad to dodge the argument
24:55 They will bring up old grievances
32:50 They will bate you, poke you, and incite you
Thank you for the timestamps ⏲
Very impressive. The examples acted out.
This was a really great episode! I wonder about myself sometimes. For example I have grievances from the past. I've felt it's because the other person won't acknowledge how they hurt me and the family. I wondered am I being narcissistic because I bring those times up? I really appreciate the example of "word salad" vs intense linear speech. Also like the baiting too!
YUP! 👌💯 u literally described my everyday life dealing with my narcissistic ex bf lol 🙄 it's a never-ending battle. They rip into me 4 talking, then rip into me if I refuse to argue, then rip into me if I do try to defend myself. Rip into me if I'm nice, rip into me even more if I treat them how they treat me. Screwed no matter what! 😑
💯
Every single one of your videos is description of my life being raised by narcissistic parents. I am the middle child. I have an older sister and a younger sister. My mother passed in January of this year my father had passed away about four years prior. The real sad thing is I felt relief when my mother passed then my older sister stepped in as trustee and yes, you know the whole story and my younger sister has also left my life, and then in July I unexpectedly lost my husband the grief. I am feeling right now is beyond anything I can describe. I pray that I will find peace.
Absolutely everything you talk about in all aspects is so spot on
Thank you for all your efforts and helping others to understand, this dynamic
OMG that’s exactly how the arguments go!!! Wow!
Beautiful example of word salad Dr. Ramani 🤣🤣🤣🤣. Seconds in, you're lost, headache sets in and you're just staring at them in disbelief because wtf did they just say? 😲😲😲
I truly appreciate your efforts for others and your very helpful channel content, Dr Ramani. 🖖
The statement in the opening was a gut punch! EVERY TIME. Including this all time favourite “You left me before, how can’t I be worried you won’t leave me again!?” Ah she’s so good at deflection, I tell her she’s like Wonder Woman with her bracelets. SMDH
You are awesome. But i totally want to defeat the narcissist. It feels like we just can't win with these people
Totally can't win. They don't care so nothing affects them.
You defeat them by not needing them anymore. If you move on, they lose all their control
Thanks you so much dr Ramani you are the best.
Who cares for the carer?
Thanks for sharing Dr Ramani.🐨
Happy Holidays to you and your family Dr Ramani.
Thanks for a great year of your education, and helping me keep my no contact strong.
Blessings, Dr. Ramani thank you. ❤
I brought up an issue and then suddenly the other person had an issue the same or similar as a response.
And can you imagine dealing with all of this with someone who has a counseling degree? Although he hasn't practiced in 30 years and was fired from the position when he had it.
word-salad!!🤣🤣🤣 I love you, doctor! that's what it is)) what's been going out of my mom all my life!
In my case, I was already isolated from all but a couple of my closest friends. I wrote out a list of the conversation reactions I always experienced, and my confidents said that it wasn't possible to predict. The next time I challenged the Narcissist's bad behavior (on speakerphone with both confidents present), I was proved right, as the conversation went EXACTLY as I predicted. 6 months later, one of these confidents found the same playbook list in the book "In Sheep’s Clothing".
This is especially true for those who grow up in a narcissistic family. A child has no way to know that the parent is lying about who they are to the child and to everyone else around the child. My mother would tell people that I was the worst kid and if anyone tried to say otherwise she would say to them "what is wrong with them" if they could not see it her way. This was true with family members, church members, and anyone of my school contacts. She even used to tell my partners that I was a bad investment growing up.
Exactly all of the above now he’s really playing the victim
Been there, done that. THIS time, I insisted that he was terribly wrong and i knew i was hearing what i was hearing. I even asked if he was as concerned about me as he said, then he should want to help me, right? So i asked him to stop having 2 or more devices playing different things and to listen to one at a time…for now. So i can stop accusing him of using the audio of these devices to cover up what he’s seemingly whispering on the phone, or maybe in a chat or maybe listening to a porn video. BUT I KNOW I HAVE BEEN HEARING WHISPERING COMING FROM HIM AND HE DENIES IT. Sorry, buddy ole pal, what you tell me makes no sense. And why does it stop when I come into the room where you are? His classic answer to ANY question? “I don’t know”. Right. That’s a good answer. My answer back? “Bye Felicia!”
Revenge of the store clerks: I was in a store checkout and had a complaint. The clerk then talked to me like I was 5 years old. When I asked her to stop, she kept doing it more and then escalated with my every response or request. Eventually, she called her manager over. I only realize now that she was enjoying upsetting me when she kept doing what I asked her not to do.
You can’t argue with narcissistic parents. It’s like you’re trying to have a constructive conversation with a kid because they’re emotionally immature
Thank you DR Ramani ❤ you are a light in this world ❤happy holidays to you and yours❤️🙏✨
This was a superlative discussion, I loved how you contrasted what is vs what is not very important to have that distinction to avoid conflation
This is play by play what my ex MiL was doing to all of us women who married into the family. She framed each of us as having severe PPD, being unfit mothers, having drug problems, being unfaithful, and needing to have our children taken from us and awarded to her because we were all “turning her sons against her.” She eventually lost access to all of the grandchildren for her efforts. It’s still a struggle for me to stay firm in my reality without “proof”.
My husband told me he wants to buy a body cam because he thinks that every person we come across in public is a racist who is out to hurt him. I told him, sure, I will get one too, to wear all the time. He did not like that idea at all...
It is about making u be at fault, not about finding if there is a way u r not at fault. That is why u should break contact with them.
Oh my God😂 your impression of the word salad was spot on and completely correct me up!
I've delt with a narcissist before and they can destroy your character by simpling saying false things about you behind your back without you even knowing to very close peope both you and the narcissist are close with, meanwhile you're wondering why so & so suddenly thinks different of you and when you confront the narcissist they simply replie, "oh i cant say anything about you to anyone, because you get so sensitive immediately" now they're gas lightning and make you appear delusional infront of that other person and then the narcissist would say, " see i told you" to that other person so now you "really appear delusional" I WAS DESCRIBING A SITUATION I DELT WITH IN THE PAST WITH A NARCISSIST
Good morning Dr.
As I was exhaustively defending/explaining myself against the narc's false accusation... that's when she also accused me of gaslighting, a term I hadn't heard before. So glad she projected that word onto me!! I think that led me to this channel nearly 4 years ago - and it was like turning all the lights on. Ding ding ding!! I finally understood this person - everything I had been going through was finally defined. My trauma from childhood and past relationships finally made sense. I finally felt sane again 😊 I really can't thank you enough Dr. Ramani! Happy new year!
No More Fighting:
I have become Helen Keller !
And it works